Tag Archives: fulfillment

246. Subconsciousness of Wrong

246

So here’s something different.  Let’s talk about discipline!  It’s been awhile since I’ve written about being disciplined.  I don’t have any epic submissive fails or extended or dramatic punishments to share.  So I’ll just share a quick fire list of some things.   Basically like I did on 213. Speedy Spanking Summations

SMELLS LIKE JENS SPIRIT
Before I get into the discipline, here’s another Jenny blog throwback.  I good old fashion esoteric rant, Jenny style. 

I am keenly aware that my reaction to my discipline is different now.  I think it took our first two years of DD before I got significantly down the road of truly accepting discipline.  And it wasn’t until perhaps the start of this year that I think I fully got to the end of that road and fully accepted it. 

There were parts of me that still were not 100% comfortable with it.  Why did I need it?  Why is it so effective?  Why wasn’t I strong enough to be the wife, mother, and person I wanted to be without relying on my husband’s discipline?   

When I think (and read) back through my discipline experiences, I can tell I spent a lot of time trying to deconstruct what certain punishments meant – about me, about Mike, about our relationship.  I always concluded in one way or another that my disciplining brought me fulfillment, joy, pleasure (perhaps not in the moment) and a oneness with Mike.   While I have always appreciated my DD, I only recently accepted that feeling of appreciation.      

I accept DD as right for me –  unapologetically and unashamed.  And I don’t mean that in an outward sense.  Obviously if you read my posts, I’ve never outwardly felt i needed to apologize or feel ashamed for adopting DD. . . but inwardly? For a long time, especially early on, I felt I needed to apologize to my old self (that self empowered woman who would never cower to any man, especially her husband). 

And as for shame, I don’t mean it in the context of humiliation.  I never felt humiliated (humbled, yes).  The shame I needed to overcome was more about what I can only think to call a subconsciousness of wrong.  Like, I had this “thing” that I couldn’t really identify but now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see it.  I didn’t know it at the time, but there was this part of me trying to ask myself if all of this is just wrong for me and I am just too naive, insecure, blind, ..okay, even stupid… to realize it.   

It was the the tension of this feeling that influenced my behavior.  It made it easier for me to discount a rule, or conveniently forget an obligation.  This added to the fact I was still adjusting to life as a submissive.  Not every fail was due to some subconscious urge to rebel.  But clearly, the part of me that hadn’t accepted submission wasn’t making adhering to my rules any easier. 

DISCIPLINE NIRVANA
Slowly I started to lose the feelings of needing to apologize or
feel shameful towards myself. It probably took two years for the ball to get rolling on losing those things.  And now, I realize, they are gone.   I think our October contract was the impetus for the final purge of those feelings.  Coupled with the discipline I got at the start of the year, and coming out to our family about Kayla and to some degree about my submission – and whammo  – those feelings were replaced with a subconsciousness of right, of joy, of fulfillment. 

Whatever the final straw, all I know is now when I am disciplined, there is no suffering nor sense of self.  I am not talking about physical pain. I am talking about the emotional uneasiness that came with the need to apologize to myself and deal with that subconsciousness of wrong.  And when there is no suffering nor sense of self, well,  Buddism has a name for that.  Nirvana.  (. . . a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido…  sorry, I can never say the word Nirvana without thinking of that). 

The result is, I simply am not as motivated to write about my spanks and “go esoteric” like I typically do regarding what they mean to me.  I know that is disappointing to you spankos out there, but you know, for you spankos there is navigation on this page to my Discipline archive.  Have fun and bust a nut.  ha.  Is there an equivalent slang for women?   Poon monsoon?  Diddle the Skittle?  Sorry, I didn’t intend to imply a masturbatory predilection amongst spankophiles.  We all know spankos are into such stories for their literary virtue.  I digress!

OUT OF TIME
Well, now look what I did.  I used up this whole post waxing philosphical (is there an opposite of that?  “waning unknowledgeably
perhaps?). Okay, stop it Jen!

I am in such a silly mood!! 

I promise. My next post will share some discipline I’ve received over the last three months or so.   I may even get it up today.  I have it mostly written and then realized it was too long to include here.   If not today, tomorrow.  Hope you enjoyed the post anyway!

Next: 247. Hey, my husband spanks me!

241. Blogoversary, Anno Blogini 2

cake

Blogoversary or Blogiversary?  Is there an international arbiter of such things?  The WPCC  (Word Press Central Committee)?  Or perhaps the IBBV (International Bureau of Blogging Vernacular)?   I used “Blogiversary” last year, but I like “blogo” better as it sounds funnier to me.  So, blogoversary it is! 

On my first blogoversary I wrote about my favorite topic – Vulnerability!  I have so many posts dedicated to that topic.  Some of my favorites can be found under Finding my Happiness in my Shortcuts.   I think it’s an appropriate topic again.

LOVE BEING VULNERABLE, EXCEPT. . . 
The anonymity of blogging allows me to share personal and intimate parts of me without the IRL implications.  Unfiltered writing also provides me greater insights into my own feelings, motivations, and desires.  Insights you can’t get by thinking as such thinking is never as thorough, as focused, or as organized as writing. 

I don’t give it a second thought to share that I submit to my husband and allow him to discipline me.  There is no hesitation to share the sexual experiences I have with Mike, other men, or the experiences we both have with other women.  I don’t hesitate to share details on various punishments or rituals that we have.  Yep, I pretty much tell all without pause, even though I know that any one of those things are likely abhorrent to some of you (let alone those who abhor every one of those things).

DON’T (YELLOW) RAIN ON MY BLOGOVERSARY PARADE
I am undeterred, unapologetic, and share without hesitation.  That is, except for punishments related to drinking pee.   Yeah, sorry.  That festive feeling of a “blogoversary” post has just left the building! 

Pee is not a “go to” punishment from Mike’s, but, it happens more than I let on.  When I write about a punishment that includes it, I either give it slight mention (so as to diminish it), or even omit it entirely.  Mike is aware of this and as part of my “honesty” rule he has told me that I am not to omit “integral” parts of any punishment I chose to write about.  I don’t have to write about it, but if I chose to right about a punishment where it is included, I am not to omit it.  I’ve even been punished for omitting it.  You can imagine how (see, I sort of mention it, but I don’t give details).

I can share details of how many spanks or other whacks I got, my feelings about each one, whether or not there was lasting soreness, my remorse, etc.  But, not when it comes to drinking piss.

HARD LIMIT?
I’ve often thought of having pee as a hard limit.  I’ve hesitated because part of me likes giving Mike the ability to do something I find so distasteful.  It’s a bigger deterrent than spanking.  If he ever chooses to give me a warning about something, all he has to say is something like, “Do you need a drink to help adjust your attitude?”  While always quick with my responses, I am extra quick with an emphatic, “No, Sir.”

Instead of making it a hard limit, I told Mike I simply want to add a hard limit in that I do not want to have to write about this element of my discipline in my blog.  That is, no punishing me if I omit it as part of any discipline I share here.  

CAN I DO THAT? 
We consulted the Domestic Discipline Assembly on Hard Limits (known as AssHal, of course).  Assembly Chair, Neil Inlick, agreed that I could, but also ruled I had to explore why I felt this was necessary.   By the way, he also ruled that because Hard Limits are so important and must remain under the full control of the sub, I was allowed the exception of “telling” Mike what I wanted regarding hard limits, versus “asking” or “requesting” it.  He did however, let me off with a warning that in the future, I should start such conversations with, “Sir, I would like to discuss a hard limit that I am considering.”  This way there can be a respectful conversation before I “tell” Mike of my decision.   Warning noted!    

WHAT’S MY PROBLEM?
I believe my desire to avoid sharing this is that I attach deeply negative things to the act.  It goes beyond feelings of vulnerability, humbleness, or shame.  For me it comes too close to feelings of humiliation and degradation.  (Feelings explored in 178. Embracing Shame).

Pee as a discipline began with our last immersion when Kayla brought it up.  She subsequently agreed to make it a part of Mike’s options for disciplining her.  I was open to trying it, and ultimately agreed as well.  I wanted to test and push myself and I still do.  I just don’t want to write about it.

Writing about it gives me a feeling of being negatively judged.  I know the judgment is 100% my own.  Let’s be honest, I am not concerned about judgement from you.  Spank my butt, bind my breasts, clamp my nipples and clit, stick a butt plug in me, give me an enema, scold me, send me to my room to stand in the corner, whip my boobs, slap my palms, watch me go to the bathroom and the list goes on.  I’ve shared all those details without reservation.  But pee?  It’s just different for me.  Ultimately, it is my own judgement that I am concerned with, and frankly, I haven’t reconciled what this punishment really means to me. 

I have the right to make this a hard limit such that I don’t have to ever write of it again.  Problem solved.  But, a funny thing happened.  As I was writing my last post,  I had this urge build inside me.  Even though I now have this clear “out” and don’t have to write about it, I suddenly have this desire to push and test myself even more.  So, I am going to write about it in detail right now and see how it feels.

YOUR IN URINE
The pee related punishments I receive typically consist of a one-time drink that is straight from the source – Mike pees directly in my mouth.  There have been some extended pee punishment such that I must drink throughout an entire day.  I can be called over at any time to partake, sometimes directly, sometimes from a glass he fills.  If he sees me drinking something else, he might stop me and top off my cup with pee.  Yeah, the day long pee punishments are the worst.     

I have the right to use safe words to slow down how quickly I must drink and can even call “red” to stop it entirely.  It may be surprising to learn but most of the time pee is almost tasteless. . . just a little “off.”  Rarely it is putrid and undrinkable. (226. Kink Research).  When it’s been bad, Mike will allow me to dilute it with water or some other drink, which helps.  Only once have I had to call red when it was just too much. 

Whew!  You know, sharing that wasn’t so bad.    It feels very uncomfortable, yet also feels good, to “own it.”  Maybe I will keep sharing when this happens.  As it isn’t a common thing, I guess you’ll never know if I do or don’t share.   Okay, enough pee pee talk. 

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF BLOG 
Switching gears back to the blogoversary  – April 23, 2016 was my first post.   Thank you to everyone who reads, likes, and comments.  

I am just over 400,000 views and this year have been getting at least 40,000 views each month off of around 7,000 visits each month.  That is 3x the views and 2x the visits of what I was getting a year ago.  I like it that I get 5 to 6 views per visitor each month as I suppose it means you all are intrigued enough to read/re-read multiple posts.

I had no idea if there was an audience for what I wanted to write.  When I made my first dozen or so posts I hadn’t research or read many blogs and most were pretty tame and far from lascivious.  I didn’t care, I started this blog for myself.   I had a deep desire to write out my story for no one other than myself.  As self centered as this may sound, I was amazed with myself – my decisions, my desires, and of course, with my DD.  It was so opposite of me.  I was vanilla, and in an instant was transported to, well, to any of these wonderful flavors.  Clearly not vanilla!   

It was akin to leaping from black and white Kansas to polychromatic Oz, and instead of the scare crow, tin man, and the lion, Mike and I have had adventures with Kayla, John&Donna, and now Matt.  
 
I dove into my blog much like I dove into Domestic Discipline.  I learned that there is a wide kink community online and on WordPress.  Writing continues to be very fulfilling, and like I wrote last year,  I strive to be even more vulnerable in my future posts, even if that means writing about, um, er, well, you know.  Do I really have to say it?  Um..er.. well, okay.  Pee.  There, I said it. 

THANKS TO. . . 
My top commenters are NaughtyNora, Lurvspanking, and CollaredMichael.  I’ve had the most traffic off clicks from a link to my blog that is on My Bottom Smarts (Thank you Smarts!)  If you want to find links to a bunch of spanko blogs in one place, visit My Bottom Smarts.  Honorable mention goes to Our Naturist Blog whose link to a recent post of mine has driven 250 visitors this month.  Yea for the nudies

AND THANK YOU!
It thrills me that my experiences and thoughts have resonated with a few people, let alone the numbers represented by the stats.  I know most of you are lurkers and some of you probably read because I am a freak show curiosity.  For the rest of you I think I am either an interesting resource for your own DD or D/s journey or just an escape of some sort.  Whatever the reason – thank you!  For those who lurk but never comment, I’d love to hear why you come here.  If you are afraid to comment, email me.  My email is in my About section. 

Two years of sharing and I still get the same fulfillment in blogging that I got when I started.   Thank you for being part of that.

Next: 242. On the Nudie Farm

202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

202

There are several things I want to write about.  I want to “unpack” some emotions and reflections on my misbehavior per my prior post.  I also want to talk about Kayla and what she was referring to in the statement she made (also from my prior post).   So, with that, I think I’ll start with something else completely. HA HA!

QUARTERLY GOAL
Our new DD Contract provides for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me.  “Such goals are to be focused on Jennifer’s self improvement…”   As I shared, Mike’s first goal for me was to lose 18 pounds by January 18.  The Quarterly Goal falls under the Respect Mike as Head of Household subsection of our Obedience clause.  Missing the goal would result in a punishment since it would be disobedient of me to fail.

18.3 pounds to be exact.  I started at 153.3 pounds, goal is 135. I am 136.8

I am confident I’ll make it.  The pounds have come off more slowly lately but 1.8 pounds in two weeks is doable.   Mike is going to weigh me three times on the 18th (morning, afternoon, and evening) and take an average.  Oh, in case you are wondering, I am 5’6″.  By the way, I weighed between 160-165 for most of my 40’s.  I slowly lost weight about the time our DD started in 2015.  I wasn’t dieting or focusing on it.  It was the byproduct of simply taking better care of myself and being more active.

I feel great and found it easier to lose than I anticipated.  I think my submissive mindset helped.  It also helped that Mike held me to an exercise regimen else I could be punished – I always kept to my exercise schedule.  Also, Mike made me ask him for permission if I wanted a treat — an occasional cookie or whatever.  I never had to ask because I never wanted such treats.  

HOLD ON, DID YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND MADE YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
I feel compelled to share my thoughts on Mike’s choice of weight loss as my first goal.  If you think the topic of being a submissive wife isn’t incendiary enough, throw in a husband’s demands about their wife’s appearance and you have a very incendiary topic.  It reeks of self-serving misogyny,  a furthering of the chauvinistic patriarchy.   It serves to objectify women which deepens the blame women get for the lustful and licentious urges of men.  It promotes women as vixens, as sirens, as monsters.

Or not.   Yeah, I guess it could be all those things, or could just be that Mike has a preference regarding my appearance and I am happy to oblige. 

My submission is about Mike’s preferences; mundane preferences regarding the household or bigger topics like sex, my behavior, or even about my personal appearance and weight.   I’ve loved the new “dress code” and I love the thinner me.  And it’s not like I am thin.  I am a good weight, not thin, not to fat.

If Mike were to ask me to lose more I would consider it, but could “veto.”  We agreed that I can use a safe word on any Quarterly Goal if I felt I could not handle it or it became too burdensome to continue.  As for the next Quarterly Goal, well, Mike hasn’t said what he has in mind.

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE?
If you recall, Mike committed to losing 12 himself.  He didn’t have to but said he wanted to provide a “supportive” environment.  Well, he is falling short.  He has lost eight and I don’t see four coming off in the next two weeks.  Obviously there is no consequences for him other than I win bragging rights.   Now is that fair?   

FAIRNESS IN D/s
I first wrote about the concept of fairness in D/s in Post 136. Submitted Wife.  I’ll try not to repeat myself.

Is it fair that Mike does not have to suffer consequences for not meeting his weight commitment?   In fact, is it fair that he doesn’t have consequences for any of his mistakes or negative behavior?  Why should I get spanked while he gets off without even a slap on the wrist?   D/s seems inherently unfair.

I imagine this idea of “unfairness” is hard for some new submisssives to accept.  To those who see it as unfiar I say that D/s is very fair.  Any idea of unfairness, while understandable, is framed in a distorted view of what “fair” means.       

I believe those who see it as unfair are confusing Fairness with Sameness.  Yes, roles and responsibilities are not the same in D/s, but that doesn’t make them inherently unfair.  I have taken on a unique role in our household, and Mike also has a unique role.  They are not the same, they require different types of commitments, thus must be judged by different criteria.  They both have consequences, but those consequences are different.

It has happened many times where I have been punished for a behavior that Mike has been guilty of too.  That is not the point.  His behavior is not in question with the roles and responsibilities we have established.   His behavior is not relevant to my Duties and Obligations – Duties and Obligations that I helped create and that I committed to.  It is no different from if some other woman behaved contrary to my rules.  So what!?!!?  It is not relevant to my performance of my Duties and Obligations.

Mike has said that punishing me for behaviors he is guilty of actually has an impact on him.  He does reflect on it and it gives him resolve to not repeat it.  But that is a by-product of a healthy D/s relationship.  It isn’t a stated requirement.

And consider that Mike has his own set of duties and obligations that differ from mine.  He has to consider the impact of his decisions.  The impact on me, on Kayla, on our relationship.  It is a big responsibility.  He has to make difficult decisions, such as what occurred in the last post, knowing those decisions could anger or disappoint me or Kayla.  With power comes great responsibility.

Yes, I find it fair that Mike is subject to his own self-discipline regarding his behavior, and that I am subject to his physical discipline regarding mine.   That’s how D/s works.  Sure, corporal punishment is the technique used to guide my behavior and reduce conflict, but that reduction in conflict gives space to love, adoration, respect, and fulfillment.  The “Discipline” in Domestic Discipline is love. Sounds fair to me.

NEXT: 203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

136. Submitted Wife: Degrading, Unfair, Unhealthy

136
I can’t go too many posts without writing about my thoughts on submission.  What prompted this one was a discussion with my sisters (See Post 116 re my “coming out” to them).    

By the way, I still refer to my lifestyle as Domestic Discipline, but I recognize it has evolved to be more aligned with a Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  Once you name something, it is hard to change it.  DD is in the name of my blog and I am sticking with it. Oh, back to my sisters…

My sisters continue to ask me a lot of questions and I often am the one soliciting their questions.  I like to hear their thoughts and comments.  I know they will be unfiltered as we have a way of being totally “brutally” honest with each other.  I believe it is because we are all so secure in our sisterly love for each other that we know how to communicate tough issues very well.  We can be critical without condescension, and at no time make each other feel bad.  We share our feelings so that we are better understood and so that we can better understand each other.  So everything we say always has the underpinning of love.

I’ve also shared before (Post 2. The Backstory) that growing up there was a strong sense of “woman empowerment” bestowed on us by our mother.  Being a submissive wife was never in my future as far as my mom was concerned, or my sisters, or even me, until submission found me.  

WHY?
My sisters keep coming back to the same question, “Why?”   It isn’t that they didn’t listen to my answers or that they didn’t believe my answers.  They admit that my answers were touching, heart felt, moving, and well articulated. But still, it’s like, “Can you tell me ‘why’ again?”

The analogy I use is that it is as if they are learning a foreign language and haven’t retained the knowledge to understand it.  And like learning a foreign language, they need repetition.  So I repeat, and I repeat.  I think it is slowly sinking in, but this time I realized I needed to change my approach.    

Understand before being Understood.
I fell back on some of my counseling background and a simple communication axiom of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   In our previous conversation I was providing my sisters with a lot of information, but it was about the things that were important to me, that motivated me, that justified to me why I made the decisions I made.  I finally realized I needed to understand them first.  

I asked them what they thought submission was and what they thought my reasons were.  In those answered, I found the biases that society conditions us with and the loving concerns they had for me because of those preconceived notions.  Thus, I finally understood our conversation needed to be about what D/s WASN’T more than it needed to be about what D/s WAS

 In their minds, submission is

  • degrading
  • unfair
  • unhealthy

Their actual list was longer, but I consolidated it into those three themes.

First of all, I agreed with them.  Submission COULD be any or all of those things.  Just like “Love” could spiral into any or all of those things.  The potential for those things should not be dismissed or taken lightly, but the fact is, I believe healthy D/s relations are devoid of those things.  Then we talked about each one.

DEGRADING
In their minds it was degrading to allow myself to be under Mike’s authority.  We then talked about authority in a household setting.  They agreed that in their own relationships there were things that naturally evolved where they defer authority to their husbands, or their husbands to them.  We talked about the process that got them to that point.  That process was full of arguments and conflict and even some lingering resentments that years later could be called to the surface in a moment.  In fact, there were several issues where “authority” was still in dispute and a source of  anger or resentment.  One of my sisters even said, “It still burns me today to think of….”

So I told her, “So, you feel disregarded by your husband about that issue, don’t you?”   She agreed she did.  

“And are there things that you have assumed responsibility for where he may feel disregarded by you?  She agreed that this was very likely the case.

Then I said, let’s look up the definition of what it is when you disregard something that should be taken into account, such as someone’s feelings.  We quickly got to words like contempt and, sure enough, degrade.

To me, the degrading isn’t about the person. She wasn’t degrading her husband, nor he degrading her.  What was being degraded was their happiness and love.  Sure they still loved each other.  The issue didn’t rise to the level that it destroyed their love, but, it still made it less than it could be and provided less peace and fulfillment in their relationship.  To this day, years later, there was lingering resentment.   I told my sister I have absolutely no lingering resentments, nor does Mike.  That’s the power of submission for us.  It allows our love to be the greatest it can be, no pock marks or degradation anywhere. 

One other aspect of “degrading” to them was the notion I was being treated like a child.  Well, I never spanked my kids, nor did my sisters with their kids, so no connection there.  But forget the spanking, yes, Mike is the disciplinarian, much like a parent would be.  I can’t argue that.  His role has some similarities to that of a parent but D/s goes way beyond a parents role in disciplining a child.  Also, I not only fully consent to him being the disciplinarian, but I asked for him to be that.  I’ve found I can better meet my commitments to myself and to him and have greater self control and happiness by submitting to his discipline and deferring to his will.  I don’t find it degrading, I find it uplifting.

I shared with them that accepting his discipline was a journey within our journey.  That is, initially I only accepted it on my terms, explicitly laid out in our contract.  And there would have been nothing wrong with it if it stayed that way, but, I changed and my needs changed.  I wanted more discipline and developed an unquestionable trust in Mike.  To me that is when our dynamic became D/s versus DD.  I am not just subject to his discipline, I am simply and completely “his.”   

UNFAIR
Since we already were looking at definitions, we then took a look at the definition of “unfair.” Basically there are two.  One deals with the principals of justice, the other is in regards to lack of kindness, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness.  It was interesting because one sister was hung up on the principals of justice part of it while the other was hung up on the kindness and thoughtfulness part of it.

Justice, in other words, equality.  D/s isn’t about gender roles. There are D/s relationships where the man is the submissive and there are same-sex D/s relationships.   D/s is not an indictment on women.  It is about the two individuals and what works for them. Gender is something that obviously exists, but doesn’t dictate anything.  Having said that, yes, I’ve observed most D/s relationships have a male Dom.  That simply could be because society has preconditioned too many men such that they would never consider it or would never explore it.  Society more easily accepts a submissive woman. 

I also explained that for me, D/s is about choosing a leader in the relationship.   Granting someone authority to lead you, whether it be a boss, a pastor, a teacher, a doctor, a friend, a spouse, etc., is not a value judgement on someone’s worth.  Allowing yourself to be led is not unjust.  And it is not unjust when I choose to acquiesce to Mike’s leadership, even on things I don’t agree with.

If you do not acquiesce at work, you can be fired.  At church or school?  You can be expelled.  With your doctor?  You can become ill or not get well.  With friends, it is a give and take, and when you give authority to them, you aren’t “less than,” nor when they give you authority are they “less than.”  With spouses, it can be similar to friends, but there is that risk of resentment over time if you feel pressured to acquiesce on things that are important for you to lead.   So let’s agree that leading or following is not a value statement on the person leading or following.  Following doesn’t equate to “less than.”

Then I asked them in situations where both they and their spouse wanted to lead, or neither wanted to, what happened?  Did they feel joy, peace, and composure?   No, they used words like “agitation” and “hostility” to describe how they and their partners feel in those situations.

I asked them if those feelings were really fair?   Is it fair for them to feel hostile towards their loved one, or their loved one towards them?   And again, let’s not look at fairness towards the individual, but fairness towards their love.  They agreed, it was not fair to have their love diminished over such trivial things.  I said I never feel agitation or hostility, nor does Mike towards me.   So how is it that Mike and I are being unfair to each other or unfair to our love?   How is it that a lifestyle that fosters true joy for us ever be considered unfair? 

UNHEALTHY
Other words used were “demoralizing” or “dehumanizing.”  I took on the “dehumanizing” part first.  What is dehumanizing about feeling joy, feeling fulfilled, feeling true bliss?  Is the oneness I have with Mike (Post 30.  I found my Thrill,) dehumanizing?  Just the opposite.  These feelings are the pinnacle of the emotions you want to feel as a human.  How can that be dehumanizing?

As for “demoralizing?”   I am more hopeful than ever regarding my marriage and my life.   I am deeply humbled, but not over some defeat of who I am today, but over the defeat of who I used to be.   I am humbled to where my pride does not blind me or control me.  I am not a doormat.  I simply gave up my ego.  I am ego-less.  I no longer belong to me.  I belong to Mike.   That excites me, motivates me, fulfills me.  Demoralize me?  No.

One last point I made with them was that my motives for being submissive are fully and totally personal.  It is not because of any society expectations, religious beliefs, or, of course, any family expectations.  I state this only to share my motives with you, not to question or belittle those who are motivated by those or other things.  I believe that this is one reason I am so happy with this.  It is absent any outside influence or pressure.  It is of my own making.

As I shared in my first few posts, I was looking for something to provide a more fulfilling life for me, my husband, and family.  I stumbled across DD and made an immediate connection with it, and it has worked for me.  I was extremely fortunate to have a husband who supported it.  Contrary to what people think, I know a lot of men would not have embraced being a Dom.  Just like submission is not for everyone (man or woman), Domination is not for everyone.

After this discussion they seem to be getting it. I am sure there will be more talks before they fully reconcile it in their minds.  Note that in no way am I trying to suggest they should do this or you should adopt this lifestyle.  HOWEVER, I do encourage them, and you, to be more vulnerable to those you love.  That doesn’t mean DD or D/s, unless you feel it should.  And even then, it takes two, and a good Dom is serious about their duties to nourish, respect, and love, as much as a good sub is serious about committing to constant submission that is always there, even when the Dom doesn’t deserve it.  

Just one last thought, also covered in Post 30 but worth repeating, is that achieving oneness with your partner is not about achieving sameness.  As it says in my favorite line from my favorite song ever, “We are one, but not the same.”  (U2’s “One”).    I strongly encourage you to read Post 30.  I found my Thrill, if you haven’t already. 

Peace, joy, love, and fulfillment!

NEXT:  137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking

129. Submissive ramble : Vulnerability. Respect or Love?

In re-reading this post, it is a bit of mess.  I repeat myself a bit and ramble a bit.  I just wasn’t satisfied I was articulating what I wanted, but, I tired of editing and rewriting it and figured that any repetition or rambling was simply a testament to how much I love and appreciate Mike, so much so that sometimes I had to say it twice, or, struggled to find words to bound my thoughts.  Hard to do when your love and appreciation is boundless!

SECRET SAUCE?
I’ve had several discussions with Mike lately about how he is feeling as a Dom and asked him to reflect on our journey from his perspective.   I was prompted to ask him this as I realized I have sort of taken him for granted throughout this journey.   From the beginning this lifestyle was something I wanted and basically expected him to follow.    The discussions with Mike served to further my commitment to this lifestyle and for all the great things that it does for me and for Mike.  In fact, for me, Mike’s feedback helped cement what the “secret sauce” is that brings fulfillment to a Dominant/Submissive relationship.  And amazingly, that sauce is available for everyone, even those not inclined to go the route of Domestic Discipline. 

VULNERABILITY.
The secret sauce is simply, vulnerability.  
Although I dedicated an entire post to the value of vulnerability, (Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble), I still didn’t fully extol its’ virtues.   Vulnerability is the essence of why a life of submission has been so rewarding for me, and a life as a Dominant so rewarding for Mike.   Yes, vulnerability has rewarded him as well.  

In talking with John, Donna, and Kayla, they all agreed that vulnerability is where it’s at.  And YOU can have it with our without Domestic Discipline.

Simply be the total and complete authentic YOU.  Share your passing thoughts, naughty or nice, share your dreams, desires, fears, loves, likes, and dislikes.  Share EVERYTHING about your body.   Allow someone to see, inspect, and critique any and everything about you.  Opening up so thoroughly and completely leaves you extremely vulnerable.   It’s super scary, and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.   As I said in Post 67, if you are with someone who you deem unworthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps that aren’t worthy of you.

VULNERABILITY OF A DOM?
What I realized in talking to Mike is that he too has had to make himself vulnerable.  I mentioned before he is typically a pretty passive guy – easy-going.  Having to articulate his desires and having to risk being thought of in a negative way, by me or by Kayla, is also super scary and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.

I think most people assume that the level of vulnerability required for the sub is significantly greater than what is required of the Dom.  I am not so sure.  In part it depends on the general personality pre-D/s.   In my case I was the more domineering and Mike was more submissive.  Not in the kink sense, but in that I tended to assert my wishes and get my way while Mike tended to be more accommodating and would often defer to me.    While it may appear I had the greater challenge, remember that I was the one who asked that we give this lifestyle a try.  I went into it eagerly and with gusto.  Mike was basically just being Mike and accommodating my wishes.   So his journey as a Dom was challenging for him.

Let me state that this is not a competition. It serves no value to try to tabulate the merits of the journey a sub takes in relation to what a Dom takes and declare a vulnerability “winner.” My point is to simply illustrate that it has been a transition for Mike and that it required him to be vulnerable.  Clearly, not in a “time to be inspected/ time to clean / time to be spanked / time to serve / time to submit sexually” way.   But, demanding things of others does expose someone to being ridiculed or disliked because of their demands.   Especially when those demands have to do with sex.  

Mike said he did find it hard to exert his wishes.  At first he stuck pretty close to the letter of the things I prescribed in the contract, then slowly branched out and used more discretion in decided what he wanted or what he would do.  Then along came Kayla. He said Kayla was wanting so much more from him and while he enjoyed (and enjoys) being the Dom she sought, it wasn’t easy.   I wrote that during her immersion there were times I worried that Mike was going too far.   Well, he had the same doubts. He said it would really hurt if he was told he went too far, and exposing all his wants, from day-to-day things to the more prurient interests, left him with a sense of vulnerability.  

Mike says he has grown to love the role of the Dom and it shows.  He is bolder and more authoritarian.   His orders, expectations, and punishments come more quickly and firmly than before.    He doesn’t hesitate to tell me (or Kayla) what he wants from us (the non sexual stuff). And he doesn’t hesitate to tell us what he wants sexually.   And to complete this fulfilling circle, the more dominant he has become, the greater I am fulfilled (and Kayla too).  

Mike told me that it has influenced him at work. He is more decisive than ever before.  In his words, “I am bold, but not a bully.”   He communicates more clearly regarding expectations.  Basically, all the leadership stuff that he has always done well — he is doing even better.  

You might think, “how hard can it be to order your wife to lick the asshole of his girlfriend?”  Well, it requires a lot vulnerability the first time you ask for that! (not dismissing the vulnerability in being the licker or the lickee).   But after a number of every escalating kinky orders, he has all the confidence that I will comply in just about anything he asks (as will Kayla) and do so eagerly.  

Mike also said that while he never felt disrespected in our relationship, he now feels respected every moment of every day.  He said he was embarrassed to admit that he has found that respect to be like a drug.   Knowing that his every wish and every need will be respected is mind-boggling for him.   He says he finds it so fulfilling to not only be so completely respected, but to see how fulfilling it is to me and Kayla to give that respect.     

Choose one: Respect or Love?
It ties into something I read somewhere that, if given a choice between respect or love, most men choose respect and most women choose love.  I am sure there are many who disagree, and I am sure it varies by individual.  And i am not saying it is right or that is should be that way. It is just one of those axioms that resonate with my experiences in life.    

I am fulfilled through respecting every whim, dream, and desire that Mike has by serving him in every way he can imagine.   It’s great to know he is fulfilled too.   

NEXT: 130. Growing our Joy Box. XXX-mas in April.

.    

 

86. Nature vs. Nurture? Finding my DD.

naturenurture

This post picks up where I left off on my prior post and I apologize in advance if I meander a bit in thought and revisit some topics from some of my initial posts.  I am just laying the emotional backdrop to an epiphany I had today that I will share on my next post.

Donna continues to stay with us until John returns on November 19.   In my last post I shared that Donna perceives the source of my submission as coming from a “bright” place in that my past lacked experiences with abuse, belittlement, neglect, etc.  I felt she was stereotyping and the comments I received seemed to agree. Submissives come from all walks of life with varied experiences!

The one common thread is simple – submissives get immense satisfaction from being submissive. The “why” will vary, but the end result is the same – it provides fulfillment in ways we haven’t found in other lifestyles. My About page highlights several of my posts about what I get from submission. My ongoing discussions with Donna have given me the opportunity to think more about why I get that fulfillment. Simply put, I have needs.

NEEDY 
I looked up the definition of “needy” and it is – destitute, indigent, deprived, disadvantaged. The definition seems to only address economic issues, not emotional issues.   Why is that? Because when it comes to emotions, we all have needs, therefore by default, we are all needy.   Satisfying our non-economic needs is a combination of cultural influences and our individual biology. The age-old combination of nurture and nature that influences everything about us.

NURTURE?
My embrace of DD certainly wasn’t from the “nurture” side of things because nothing in my upbringing supported a path to submissiveness. I know that there are some who had their submissiveness nurtured from an early age. This could be due to religion or other influences where submission was modeled by others around you and expected from you. That’s not me. While my dad was a misogynist, my mother instilled in me that I was free to live life as I see fit and didn’t need anyone (like a man), or anything (like a drug) to complete me. My family is full of strong females who modeled very non-submissive attitudes and behaviors for me.

My dad was present, but not active, in my life and that of my siblings. He went to our various school events, but never was as invested in what we were doing as my mom was.   In other words, he never asked us questions about what we were doing, what we liked, disliked, etc. It was more, “What time do you need me to be there?”

My parent’s relationship is/was odd. They were loving towards me and my siblings, but I simply describe their relationship with each other as amicable. I know my dad cheated on my mom and there was a time they even separated. While they reconciled, they kept separate bedrooms and to this day still maintain separate bedrooms. They act and behave more like best friends and roommates than husband and wife. Some of this may be because my mom didn’t conform to the submissiveness my dad desired from her. Oh, and for what it’s worth, I always related to my mom and her sense of self and self-empowerment and not my dad’s desire for a “barefoot and pregnant” (and quiet) housewife.

NATURE?
My body rewards me when I think of submission, let alone actually submit.   Whatever “pleasure” endorphins or neurochemicals the brain naturally produces all go into overdrive when I submit (or even just think about it). Simply put, these pleasure chemicals feel good!   My mom said I didn’t need any drugs in my life, and while I know she meant the illicit type, oh how wrong she was. Endorphins and the various natural neurochemicals our body produces are heaven!

Interesting, but I’ve read stuff that indicates some people get a release of these pleasure chemicals when they think of their religion. Brain scans of people who identify as highly religious show a lot of activity in their “pleasure centers” when they are asked to think about their religion. Religion is a form of submission. Interesting that the brain “rewards” some of us for submission.

Of course, the debate is, was there something in our nurturing that “trained” our brain as to what it deemed pleasurable, or were we hard-wired at birth?    Studies agree it isn’t one or the other, but a mix of both, and likely more nature versus nurture (at least from what I have read).

FINDING DD (Revisited)
I cover this in more detail in my Back Story and will summarize it here. I didn’t get into Domestic Discipline until I was 45 and married for 23 years.   I “had it together” during those 23 years.   Things pretty much had to be my way and Mike pretty much conceded.

I found myself seeking greater and greater control of everything. Part of this was to compensate for my son’s special needs. By controlling his environment to give him every possible opportunity to thrive in every moment of every day, I could at least yield some influence over a condition I couldn’t cure.   Mentally I dismissed every act of my control as an act of love for my son, no matter if it really related to his care or not.   In my mind, the more problems I could solve (control), and the more deeds I could do, the better my son would be. It didn’t matter if it was solving his problems, or my sister’s, or my nieces or nephews, friends and neighbors, Mike’s, my other kids, or Kayla’s. Their problems became my problems and I was going to help solve them.   Suffice to say, I burnt myself out.

OPEN TO ANY SOLUTION
My overload led me to seek a change in my life which to me, meant reading and researching to figure it out. I stumbled across Domestic Discipline. My first thought about DD was “that’s dumb, move on.”   However, I have this odd habit that the more negative my initial reaction is to something, the more I want to read about it.  I have found that I have learned so much by opening myself up to things that are contrary to my gut reaction.

I encourage everyone to fight through any initial gut reaction they have to a topic and instead say, “Okay, I’ll hear you out.” The trick then is to actually hear the message and not just go through the motions. It is hard, as you have to be humble and assume the best intentions from the contrary point of view. Easier said than done. If you don’t believe me, what’s your gut reaction when you hear something contrary to your beliefs about race, religion, or politics? How open are you to really listening to someone whose thoughts are different from yours?  It’s not easy and admittedly, I don’t always do it well.

I digress, but this “lesson” is worth sharing — Keeping your mind open and really hearing the other side is amazing in finding personal growth. There are times when I do this that I find reinforcement and support for my gut reaction – but there are more times where I at least shift my beliefs to something more moderate, as I find greater understanding regarding the motivations and desires of the “other side.”   And then there are the rare occasions where I completely change my point of view. DD was one such time.

I knew I was on to something after only about thirty minutes or so of reading about DD.  It just resonated with me and my mind was already “rewarding” me with those pleasure chemicals. I remember getting excited and my heart beating faster as I began to formulate how I could incorporate DD into my life. The rest of that journey is laid out in my other posts, basically from posts 1-12.

BRIGHT PATH?
All of what I stated above was a long way of simply saying that while Donna may feel my path to DD was “bright” compared to hers, mine still came about due to a void, a yearning, a missing piece from my life that only submission could fill for me. It also came from a point of just being exhausted trying to do it all.  I loved the thought of giving up my self-imposed responsibility to lead everything in exchange for a self-imposed responsibility to simply follow Mike.

I see the irony in that my DD is akin to what my mother rebelled against – but the BIG difference is that I chose this. It comes down to giving consent versus being controlled.   I think if I had married a domineering man, I too would have rebelled. He was not going to demand submission from me. If I were to give it, it would be because it was my gift. It was not because someone expected it from me.  In fact, I married a man who was willing to defer to me, and perhaps because he deferred too much (or I demanded too much), I reached a point where I was willing to give up all control and fully submit to him.

Not sure where I intended to go with this post, but I needed to get these feelings out. The discussions with Donna these last few weeks has been like a submissive-group therapy session that got me to reevaluate my reasons for choosing this and reinforcing my commitments.  Not that I had doubts, but it’s always a good thing to periodically review your motivations for getting into something and ensure the benefits are aligned with those motivations and that they still hold true for what you and your loved ones need today.

All this talk with Donna even helped lead to a moment of clarity that I didn’t see coming.  Let me just say that emotions often come with an entourage of associates, allowing their presence to go unnoticed as they influence you while hiding amongst the others.

More on that on the next post.

NEXT POST: 87.  AND THERE IT WAS