373. DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE, DOMESTIC BLISS

A comment on a prior post had me reflecting and recognizing that my blog provides you a limited glimpse into my life. A glimpse ONLY into the things I choose to share.

I believe the reason I tend to be wordy in my posts is that I don’t like to leave too much to your interpretation. A good writer would leave you more to interpret and personalize. But my goal isn’t good writing. (Hey, I heard that. Who said, “Well, Jen, mission accomplished.”). I mean, I try to be entertaining, but in the end, I want to convey MY experience, MY thoughts, MY emotions, MY reasoning, MY motivation, and MY conclusions. Pretty selfish, but hey, it’s my blog!

Further, I tend to share things that I find interesting, a new revelation that surprises me or makes me think. Writing also helps me collect and reconcile my thoughts, thus, I often write about things that require some deeper thinking and emotional exploration.

THE RESULT

My approach means mundane day-to-day things never get shared. The consequence of this is you are left to assume my entire days are filled with slave-like living conditions, threats of punishment, and being a sexual toy subject to sadistic whims of my husband.

That’s NOT an accurate portrayal of my entire life. That’s more like my Tuesday’s.

Just kidding.

Seriously, so much of my day is pretty “normal.” It’s just the backdrop is very unique. Yes, I defer a lot to my husband and demonstrate a continued reverence and respect towards him (at least that’s my goal). And yes, we consider ourselves to be in a plural marriage, with Kayla our wife. But even that is mostly just normal relationship stuff on any given day. Talk of our days, talk of current events, talk of our plans for tomorrow or the weekend, family news, etc. Pretty normal.

Yes, that “normality” can be broken by a spanking if one of us earns one. But I haven’t been spanked in over six weeks, other than Maintenance. I’ve been a good girl! So it’s not all spanking and wild sex (but there is some of that!).

So to that commenter a few posts back, and to anyone else who may think otherwise, I want to express my immense satisfaction, fulfillment, and sense of purpose and excitement I get from my daily life. I love the dynamic that we’ve created in my household!

I will concede that, almost six years into DD and almost five years into my blog, that my posts often lack the sense of excitement found in earlier posts. That’s simply because there is less unknown, less ground to explore, and less uncharted waters. The unknown brings a level of energy and excitement that can’t be replicated once things are more known. There is less to explore, less uncharted waters, but that doesn’t mean I am any less fulfilled.

I am also less in awe of myself as I was in my early days of this journey. I mean, how long can you remain in awe of your daily life? Eventually, it becomes routine, so much so that in some ways I no longer remember life pre-DD.

I hope no one reads into my posts that I have become saddened or worried or less fulfilled in my life. I HAVE NOT. Life is just on an even keel, with occasional “pops” of incremental change or surprises, like the Orgasm Control. Honestly, can you imagine what my life would be if I continued on the same trajectory of exploration and change that went on the first 2-3 years? Well, of course you can, because you are a sex hungry kinkster!

COMING SOON

We will soon start work on “renegotiating” our Agreement. We always start off saying we should simplify it. We don’t need all the detail we initially put into it, detail that helped us make sure our intentions were clear. But I suspect a repeat of what happens when we intend to simplify it. We end up enjoy the detail as it helps reinforce all the things we want from our dynamic. So unless something changes, we probably will trim off very little and even add to it. We shall see!

Whatever the outcome of the new contract, I know I owe so much to my decision back in 2015 to embark on this journey to shake up my life and look for ways to find greater fulfillment in every moment, every day.

Oh, speaking of coming soon, I don’t think I ever shared with you what happened when I came without permission. I mentioned it at the end of my Nov 7 post. I am overdue with rewarding my readers with what they really want to read — spank-filled sexually charged stories! Maybe next post, if you insist.

NEXT: 374. Uh-Oh-gasm: Orgasm Control / lack thereof

246. Subconsciousness of Wrong

So here’s something different.  Let’s talk about discipline!  It’s been awhile since I’ve written about being disciplined.  I don’t have any epic submissive fails or extended or dramatic punishments to share.  So I’ll just share a quick fire list of some things.   Basically like I did on 213. Speedy Spanking Summations. 

SMELLS LIKE JENS SPIRIT
Before I get into the discipline, here’s another Jenny blog throwback.  I good old fashion esoteric rant, Jenny style. 

I am keenly aware that my reaction to my discipline is different now.  I think it took our first two years of DD before I got significantly down the road of truly accepting discipline.  And it wasn’t until perhaps the start of this year that I think I fully got to the end of that road and fully accepted it. 

There were parts of me that still were not 100% comfortable with it.  Why did I need it?  Why is it so effective?  Why wasn’t I strong enough to be the wife, mother, and person I wanted to be without relying on my husband’s discipline?   

When I think (and read) back through my discipline experiences, I can tell I spent a lot of time trying to deconstruct what certain punishments meant – about me, about Mike, about our relationship.  I always concluded in one way or another that my disciplining brought me fulfillment, joy, pleasure (perhaps not in the moment) and a oneness with Mike.   While I have always appreciated my DD, I only recently accepted that feeling of appreciation.      

I accept DD as right for me –  unapologetically and unashamed.  And I don’t mean that in an outward sense.  Obviously if you read my posts, I’ve never outwardly felt i needed to apologize or feel ashamed for adopting DD. . . but inwardly? For a long time, especially early on, I felt I needed to apologize to my old self (that self empowered woman who would never cower to any man, especially her husband). 

And as for shame, I don’t mean it in the context of humiliation.  I never felt humiliated (humbled, yes).  The shame I needed to overcome was more about what I can only think to call a subconsciousness of wrong.  Like, I had this “thing” that I couldn’t really identify but now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see it.  I didn’t know it at the time, but there was this part of me trying to ask myself if all of this is just wrong for me and I am just too naive, insecure, blind, ..okay, even stupid… to realize it.   

It was the the tension of this feeling that influenced my behavior.  It made it easier for me to discount a rule, or conveniently forget an obligation.  This added to the fact I was still adjusting to life as a submissive.  Not every fail was due to some subconscious urge to rebel.  But clearly, the part of me that hadn’t accepted submission wasn’t making adhering to my rules any easier. 

DISCIPLINE NIRVANA
Slowly I started to lose the feelings of needing to apologize or feel shameful towards myself. It probably took two years for the ball to get rolling on losing those things.  And now, I realize, they are gone.   I think our October contract was the impetus for the final purge of those feelings.  Coupled with the discipline I got at the start of the year, and coming out to our family about Kayla and to some degree about my submission – and whammo  – those feelings were replaced with a subconsciousness of right, of joy, of fulfillment. 

Whatever the final straw, all I know is now when I am disciplined, there is no suffering nor sense of self.  I am not talking about physical pain. I am talking about the emotional uneasiness that came with the need to apologize to myself and deal with that subconsciousness of wrong.  And when there is no suffering nor sense of self, well,  Buddism has a name for that.  Nirvana.  (. . . a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido…  sorry, I can never say the word Nirvana without thinking of that). 

The result is, I simply am not as motivated to write about my spanks and “go esoteric” like I typically do regarding what they mean to me.  I know that is disappointing to you spankos out there, but you know, for you spankos there is navigation on this page to my Discipline archive.  Have fun and bust a nut.  ha.  Is there an equivalent slang for women?   Poon monsoon?  Diddle the Skittle?  Sorry, I didn’t intend to imply a masturbatory predilection amongst spankophiles.  We all know spankos are into such stories for their literary virtue.  I digress!

OUT OF TIME
Well, now look what I did.  I used up this whole post waxing philosphical (is there an opposite of that?  “waning unknowledgeably” perhaps?). Okay, stop it Jen!

I am in such a silly mood!! 

I promise. My next post will share some discipline I’ve received over the last three months or so.   I may even get it up today.  I have it mostly written and then realized it was too long to include here.   If not today, tomorrow.  Hope you enjoyed the post anyway!

Next: 247. Hey, my husband spanks me!

241. Blogoversary, Anno Blogini 2

Blogoversary or Blogiversary?  Is there an international arbiter of such things?  The WPCC  (Word Press Central Committee)?  Or perhaps the IBBV (International Bureau of Blogging Vernacular)?   I used “Blogiversary” last year, but I like “blogo” better as it sounds funnier to me.  So, blogoversary it is! 

On my first blogoversary I wrote about my favorite topic – Vulnerability!  I have so many posts dedicated to that topic.  Some of my favorites can be found under Finding my Happiness in my Shortcuts.   I think it’s an appropriate topic again.

LOVE BEING VULNERABLE, EXCEPT. . . 
The anonymity of blogging allows me to share personal and intimate parts of me without the IRL implications.  Unfiltered writing also provides me greater insights into my own feelings, motivations, and desires.  Insights you can’t get by thinking as such thinking is never as thorough, as focused, or as organized as writing. 

I don’t give it a second thought to share that I submit to my husband and allow him to discipline me.  There is no hesitation to share the sexual experiences I have with Mike, other men, or the experiences we both have with other women.  I don’t hesitate to share details on various punishments or rituals that we have.  Yep, I pretty much tell all without pause, even though I know that any one of those things are likely abhorrent to some of you (let alone those who abhor every one of those things).

DON’T (YELLOW) RAIN ON MY BLOGOVERSARY PARADE
I am undeterred, unapologetic, and share without hesitation.  That is, except for punishments related to drinking pee.   Yeah, sorry.  That festive feeling of a “blogoversary” post has just left the building! 

Pee is not a “go to” punishment from Mike’s, but, it happens more than I let on.  When I write about a punishment that includes it, I either give it slight mention (so as to diminish it), or even omit it entirely.  Mike is aware of this and as part of my “honesty” rule he has told me that I am not to omit “integral” parts of any punishment I chose to write about.  I don’t have to write about it, but if I chose to right about a punishment where it is included, I am not to omit it.  I’ve even been punished for omitting it.  You can imagine how (see, I sort of mention it, but I don’t give details).

I can share details of how many spanks or other whacks I got, my feelings about each one, whether or not there was lasting soreness, my remorse, etc.  But, not when it comes to drinking piss.

HARD LIMIT?
I’ve often thought of having pee as a hard limit.  I’ve hesitated because part of me likes giving Mike the ability to do something I find so distasteful.  It’s a bigger deterrent than spanking.  If he ever chooses to give me a warning about something, all he has to say is something like, “Do you need a drink to help adjust your attitude?”  While always quick with my responses, I am extra quick with an emphatic, “No, Sir.”

Instead of making it a hard limit, I told Mike I simply want to add a hard limit in that I do not want to have to write about this element of my discipline in my blog.  That is, no punishing me if I omit it as part of any discipline I share here.  

CAN I DO THAT? 
We consulted the Domestic Discipline Assembly on Hard Limits (known as AssHal, of course).  Assembly Chair, Neil Inlick, agreed that I could, but also ruled I had to explore why I felt this was necessary.   By the way, he also ruled that because Hard Limits are so important and must remain under the full control of the sub, I was allowed the exception of “telling” Mike what I wanted regarding hard limits, versus “asking” or “requesting” it.  He did however, let me off with a warning that in the future, I should start such conversations with, “Sir, I would like to discuss a hard limit that I am considering.”  This way there can be a respectful conversation before I “tell” Mike of my decision.   Warning noted!    

WHAT’S MY PROBLEM?
I believe my desire to avoid sharing this is that I attach deeply negative things to the act.  It goes beyond feelings of vulnerability, humbleness, or shame.  For me it comes too close to feelings of humiliation and degradation.  (Feelings explored in 178. Embracing Shame).

Pee as a discipline began with our last immersion when Kayla brought it up.  She subsequently agreed to make it a part of Mike’s options for disciplining her.  I was open to trying it, and ultimately agreed as well.  I wanted to test and push myself and I still do.  I just don’t want to write about it.

Writing about it gives me a feeling of being negatively judged.  I know the judgment is 100% my own.  Let’s be honest, I am not concerned about judgement from you.  Spank my butt, bind my breasts, clamp my nipples and clit, stick a butt plug in me, give me an enema, scold me, send me to my room to stand in the corner, whip my boobs, slap my palms, watch me go to the bathroom and the list goes on.  I’ve shared all those details without reservation.  But pee?  It’s just different for me.  Ultimately, it is my own judgement that I am concerned with, and frankly, I haven’t reconciled what this punishment really means to me. 

I have the right to make this a hard limit such that I don’t have to ever write of it again.  Problem solved.  But, a funny thing happened.  As I was writing my last post,  I had this urge build inside me.  Even though I now have this clear “out” and don’t have to write about it, I suddenly have this desire to push and test myself even more.  So, I am going to write about it in detail right now and see how it feels.

YOUR IN URINE
The pee related punishments I receive typically consist of a one-time drink that is straight from the source – Mike pees directly in my mouth.  There have been some extended pee punishment such that I must drink throughout an entire day.  I can be called over at any time to partake, sometimes directly, sometimes from a glass he fills.  If he sees me drinking something else, he might stop me and top off my cup with pee.  Yeah, the day long pee punishments are the worst.     

I have the right to use safe words to slow down how quickly I must drink and can even call “red” to stop it entirely.  It may be surprising to learn but most of the time pee is almost tasteless. . . just a little “off.”  Rarely it is putrid and undrinkable. (226. Kink Research).  When it’s been bad, Mike will allow me to dilute it with water or some other drink, which helps.  Only once have I had to call red when it was just too much. 

Whew!  You know, sharing that wasn’t so bad.    It feels very uncomfortable, yet also feels good, to “own it.”  Maybe I will keep sharing when this happens.  As it isn’t a common thing, I guess you’ll never know if I do or don’t share.   Okay, enough pee pee talk. 

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF BLOG 
Switching gears back to the blogoversary  – April 23, 2016 was my first post.   Thank you to everyone who reads, likes, and comments.  

I am just over 400,000 views and this year have been getting at least 40,000 views each month off of around 7,000 visits each month.  That is 3x the views and 2x the visits of what I was getting a year ago.  I like it that I get 5 to 6 views per visitor each month as I suppose it means you all are intrigued enough to read/re-read multiple posts.

I had no idea if there was an audience for what I wanted to write.  When I made my first dozen or so posts I hadn’t research or read many blogs and most were pretty tame and far from lascivious.  I didn’t care, I started this blog for myself.   I had a deep desire to write out my story for no one other than myself.  As self centered as this may sound, I was amazed with myself – my decisions, my desires, and of course, with my DD.  It was so opposite of me.  I was vanilla, and in an instant was transported to, well, to any of these wonderful flavors.  Clearly not vanilla!   

It was akin to leaping from black and white Kansas to polychromatic Oz, and instead of the scare crow, tin man, and the lion, Mike and I have had adventures with Kayla, John&Donna, and now Matt.  
 
I dove into my blog much like I dove into Domestic Discipline.  I learned that there is a wide kink community online and on WordPress.  Writing continues to be very fulfilling, and like I wrote last year,  I strive to be even more vulnerable in my future posts, even if that means writing about, um, er, well, you know.  Do I really have to say it?  Um..er.. well, okay.  Pee.  There, I said it. 

THANKS TO. . . 
My top commenters are NaughtyNora, Lurvspanking, and CollaredMichael.  I’ve had the most traffic off clicks from a link to my blog that is on My Bottom Smarts (Thank you Smarts!)  If you want to find links to a bunch of spanko blogs in one place, visit My Bottom Smarts.  Honorable mention goes to Our Naturist Blog whose link to a recent post of mine has driven 250 visitors this month.  Yea for the nudies! 

AND THANK YOU!
It thrills me that my experiences and thoughts have resonated with a few people, let alone the numbers represented by the stats.  I know most of you are lurkers and some of you probably read because I am a freak show curiosity.  For the rest of you I think I am either an interesting resource for your own DD or D/s journey or just an escape of some sort.  Whatever the reason – thank you!  For those who lurk but never comment, I’d love to hear why you come here.  If you are afraid to comment, email me.  My email is in my About section. 

Two years of sharing and I still get the same fulfillment in blogging that I got when I started.   Thank you for being part of that.

Next: 242. On the Nudie Farm

202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

There are several things I want to write about.  I want to “unpack” some emotions and reflections on my misbehavior per my prior post.  I also want to talk about Kayla and what she was referring to in the statement she made (also from my prior post).   So, with that, I think I’ll start with something else completely. HA HA!

QUARTERLY GOAL
Our new DD Contract provides for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me.  “Such goals are to be focused on Jennifer’s self improvement…”   As I shared, Mike’s first goal for me was to lose 18 pounds by January 18.  The Quarterly Goal falls under the Respect Mike as Head of Household subsection of our Obedience clause.  Missing the goal would result in a punishment since it would be disobedient of me to fail.

18.3 pounds to be exact.  I started at 153.3 pounds, goal is 135. I am 136.8

I am confident I’ll make it.  The pounds have come off more slowly lately but 1.8 pounds in two weeks is doable.   Mike is going to weigh me three times on the 18th (morning, afternoon, and evening) and take an average.  Oh, in case you are wondering, I am 5’6″.  By the way, I weighed between 160-165 for most of my 40’s.  I slowly lost weight about the time our DD started in 2015.  I wasn’t dieting or focusing on it.  It was the byproduct of simply taking better care of myself and being more active.

I feel great and found it easier to lose than I anticipated.  I think my submissive mindset helped.  It also helped that Mike held me to an exercise regimen else I could be punished – I always kept to my exercise schedule.  Also, Mike made me ask him for permission if I wanted a treat — an occasional cookie or whatever.  I never had to ask because I never wanted such treats.  

HOLD ON, DID YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND MADE YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
I feel compelled to share my thoughts on Mike’s choice of weight loss as my first goal.  If you think the topic of being a submissive wife isn’t incendiary enough, throw in a husband’s demands about their wife’s appearance and you have a very incendiary topic.  It reeks of self-serving misogyny,  a furthering of the chauvinistic patriarchy.   It serves to objectify women which deepens the blame women get for the lustful and licentious urges of men.  It promotes women as vixens, as sirens, as monsters.

Or not.   Yeah, I guess it could be all those things, or could just be that Mike has a preference regarding my appearance and I am happy to oblige. 

My submission is about Mike’s preferences; mundane preferences regarding the household or bigger topics like sex, my behavior, or even about my personal appearance and weight.   I’ve loved the new “dress code” and I love the thinner me.  And it’s not like I am thin.  I am a good weight, not thin, not to fat.

If Mike were to ask me to lose more I would consider it, but could “veto.”  We agreed that I can use a safe word on any Quarterly Goal if I felt I could not handle it or it became too burdensome to continue.  As for the next Quarterly Goal, well, Mike hasn’t said what he has in mind.

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE?
If you recall, Mike committed to losing 12 himself.  He didn’t have to but said he wanted to provide a “supportive” environment.  Well, he is falling short.  He has lost eight and I don’t see four coming off in the next two weeks.  Obviously there is no consequences for him other than I win bragging rights.   Now is that fair?   

FAIRNESS IN D/s
I first wrote about the concept of fairness in D/s in Post 136. Submitted Wife.  I’ll try not to repeat myself.

Is it fair that Mike does not have to suffer consequences for not meeting his weight commitment?   In fact, is it fair that he doesn’t have consequences for any of his mistakes or negative behavior?  Why should I get spanked while he gets off without even a slap on the wrist?   D/s seems inherently unfair.

I imagine this idea of “unfairness” is hard for some new submisssives to accept.  To those who see it as unfiar I say that D/s is very fair.  Any idea of unfairness, while understandable, is framed in a distorted view of what “fair” means.       

I believe those who see it as unfair are confusing Fairness with Sameness.  Yes, roles and responsibilities are not the same in D/s, but that doesn’t make them inherently unfair.  I have taken on a unique role in our household, and Mike also has a unique role.  They are not the same, they require different types of commitments, thus must be judged by different criteria.  They both have consequences, but those consequences are different.

It has happened many times where I have been punished for a behavior that Mike has been guilty of too.  That is not the point.  His behavior is not in question with the roles and responsibilities we have established.   His behavior is not relevant to my Duties and Obligations – Duties and Obligations that I helped create and that I committed to.  It is no different from if some other woman behaved contrary to my rules.  So what!?!!?  It is not relevant to my performance of my Duties and Obligations.

Mike has said that punishing me for behaviors he is guilty of actually has an impact on him.  He does reflect on it and it gives him resolve to not repeat it.  But that is a by-product of a healthy D/s relationship.  It isn’t a stated requirement.

And consider that Mike has his own set of duties and obligations that differ from mine.  He has to consider the impact of his decisions.  The impact on me, on Kayla, on our relationship.  It is a big responsibility.  He has to make difficult decisions, such as what occurred in the last post, knowing those decisions could anger or disappoint me or Kayla.  With power comes great responsibility.

Yes, I find it fair that Mike is subject to his own self-discipline regarding his behavior, and that I am subject to his physical discipline regarding mine.   That’s how D/s works.  Sure, corporal punishment is the technique used to guide my behavior and reduce conflict, but that reduction in conflict gives space to love, adoration, respect, and fulfillment.  The “Discipline” in Domestic Discipline is love. Sounds fair to me.

NEXT: 203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

136. Submitted Wife: Degrading, Unfair, Unhealthy

I can’t go too many posts without writing about my thoughts on submission.  What prompted this one was a discussion with my sisters (See Post 116 re my “coming out” to them).    

By the way, I still refer to my lifestyle as Domestic Discipline, but I recognize it has evolved to be more aligned with a Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  Once you name something, it is hard to change it.  DD is in the name of my blog and I am sticking with it. Oh, back to my sisters…

My sisters continue to ask me a lot of questions and I often am the one soliciting their questions.  I like to hear their thoughts and comments.  I know they will be unfiltered as we have a way of being totally “brutally” honest with each other.  I believe it is because we are all so secure in our sisterly love for each other that we know how to communicate tough issues very well.  We can be critical without condescension, and at no time make each other feel bad.  We share our feelings so that we are better understood and so that we can better understand each other.  So everything we say always has the underpinning of love.

I’ve also shared before (Post 2. The Backstory) that growing up there was a strong sense of “woman empowerment” bestowed on us by our mother.  Being a submissive wife was never in my future as far as my mom was concerned, or my sisters, or even me, until submission found me.  

WHY?
My sisters keep coming back to the same question, “Why?”   It isn’t that they didn’t listen to my answers or that they didn’t believe my answers.  They admit that my answers were touching, heart felt, moving, and well articulated. But still, it’s like, “Can you tell me ‘why’ again?”

The analogy I use is that it is as if they are learning a foreign language and haven’t retained the knowledge to understand it.  And like learning a foreign language, they need repetition.  So I repeat, and I repeat.  I think it is slowly sinking in, but this time I realized I needed to change my approach.    

Understand before being Understood.
I fell back on some of my counseling background and a simple communication axiom of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   In our previous conversation I was providing my sisters with a lot of information, but it was about the things that were important to me, that motivated me, that justified to me why I made the decisions I made.  I finally realized I needed to understand them first.  

I asked them what they thought submission was and what they thought my reasons were.  In those answered, I found the biases that society conditions us with and the loving concerns they had for me because of those preconceived notions.  Thus, I finally understood our conversation needed to be about what D/s WASN’T more than it needed to be about what D/s WAS. 

 In their minds, submission is

• degrading
• unfair
• unhealthy

Their actual list was longer, but I consolidated it into those three themes.

First of all, I agreed with them.  Submission COULD be any or all of those things.  Just like “Love” could spiral into any or all of those things.  The potential for those things should not be dismissed or taken lightly, but the fact is, I believe healthy D/s relations are devoid of those things.  Then we talked about each one.

DEGRADING
In their minds it was degrading to allow myself to be under Mike’s authority.  We then talked about authority in a household setting.  They agreed that in their own relationships there were things that naturally evolved where they defer authority to their husbands, or their husbands to them.  We talked about the process that got them to that point.  That process was full of arguments and conflict and even some lingering resentments that years later could be called to the surface in a moment.  In fact, there were several issues where “authority” was still in dispute and a source of  anger or resentment.  One of my sisters even said, “It still burns me today to think of….”

So I told her, “So, you feel disregarded by your husband about that issue, don’t you?”   She agreed she did.  

“And are there things that you have assumed responsibility for where he may feel disregarded by you?  She agreed that this was very likely the case.

Then I said, let’s look up the definition of what it is when you disregard something that should be taken into account, such as someone’s feelings.  We quickly got to words like contempt and, sure enough, degrade.

To me, the degrading isn’t about the person. She wasn’t degrading her husband, nor he degrading her.  What was being degraded was their happiness and love.  Sure they still loved each other.  The issue didn’t rise to the level that it destroyed their love, but, it still made it less than it could be and provided less peace and fulfillment in their relationship.  To this day, years later, there was lingering resentment.   I told my sister I have absolutely no lingering resentments, nor does Mike.  That’s the power of submission for us.  It allows our love to be the greatest it can be, no pock marks or degradation anywhere. 

One other aspect of “degrading” to them was the notion I was being treated like a child.  Well, I never spanked my kids, nor did my sisters with their kids, so no connection there.  But forget the spanking, yes, Mike is the disciplinarian, much like a parent would be.  I can’t argue that.  His role has some similarities to that of a parent but D/s goes way beyond a parents role in disciplining a child.  Also, I not only fully consent to him being the disciplinarian, but I asked for him to be that.  I’ve found I can better meet my commitments to myself and to him and have greater self control and happiness by submitting to his discipline and deferring to his will.  I don’t find it degrading, I find it uplifting.

I shared with them that accepting his discipline was a journey within our journey.  That is, initially I only accepted it on my terms, explicitly laid out in our contract.  And there would have been nothing wrong with it if it stayed that way, but, I changed and my needs changed.  I wanted more discipline and developed an unquestionable trust in Mike.  To me that is when our dynamic became D/s versus DD.  I am not just subject to his discipline, I am simply and completely “his.”   

UNFAIR
Since we already were looking at definitions, we then took a look at the definition of “unfair.” Basically there are two.  One deals with the principals of justice, the other is in regards to lack of kindness, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness.  It was interesting because one sister was hung up on the principals of justice part of it while the other was hung up on the kindness and thoughtfulness part of it.

Justice, in other words, equality.  D/s isn’t about gender roles. There are D/s relationships where the man is the submissive and there are same-sex D/s relationships.   D/s is not an indictment on women.  It is about the two individuals and what works for them. Gender is something that obviously exists, but doesn’t dictate anything.  Having said that, yes, I’ve observed most D/s relationships have a male Dom.  That simply could be because society has preconditioned too many men such that they would never consider it or would never explore it.  Society more easily accepts a submissive woman. 

I also explained that for me, D/s is about choosing a leader in the relationship.   Granting someone authority to lead you, whether it be a boss, a pastor, a teacher, a doctor, a friend, a spouse, etc., is not a value judgement on someone’s worth.  Allowing yourself to be led is not unjust.  And it is not unjust when I choose to acquiesce to Mike’s leadership, even on things I don’t agree with.

If you do not acquiesce at work, you can be fired.  At church or school?  You can be expelled.  With your doctor?  You can become ill or not get well.  With friends, it is a give and take, and when you give authority to them, you aren’t “less than,” nor when they give you authority are they “less than.”  With spouses, it can be similar to friends, but there is that risk of resentment over time if you feel pressured to acquiesce on things that are important for you to lead.   So let’s agree that leading or following is not a value statement on the person leading or following.  Following doesn’t equate to “less than.”

Then I asked them in situations where both they and their spouse wanted to lead, or neither wanted to, what happened?  Did they feel joy, peace, and composure?   No, they used words like “agitation” and “hostility” to describe how they and their partners feel in those situations.

I asked them if those feelings were really fair?   Is it fair for them to feel hostile towards their loved one, or their loved one towards them?   And again, let’s not look at fairness towards the individual, but fairness towards their love.  They agreed, it was not fair to have their love diminished over such trivial things.  I said I never feel agitation or hostility, nor does Mike towards me.   So how is it that Mike and I are being unfair to each other or unfair to our love?   How is it that a lifestyle that fosters true joy for us ever be considered unfair? 

UNHEALTHY
Other words used were “demoralizing” or “dehumanizing.”  I took on the “dehumanizing” part first.  What is dehumanizing about feeling joy, feeling fulfilled, feeling true bliss?  Is the oneness I have with Mike (Post 30.  I found my Thrill,) dehumanizing?  Just the opposite.  These feelings are the pinnacle of the emotions you want to feel as a human.  How can that be dehumanizing?

As for “demoralizing?”   I am more hopeful than ever regarding my marriage and my life.   I am deeply humbled, but not over some defeat of who I am today, but over the defeat of who I used to be.   I am humbled to where my pride does not blind me or control me.  I am not a doormat.  I simply gave up my ego.  I am ego-less.  I no longer belong to me.  I belong to Mike.   That excites me, motivates me, fulfills me.  Demoralize me?  No.

One last point I made with them was that my motives for being submissive are fully and totally personal.  It is not because of any society expectations, religious beliefs, or, of course, any family expectations.  I state this only to share my motives with you, not to question or belittle those who are motivated by those or other things.  I believe that this is one reason I am so happy with this.  It is absent any outside influence or pressure.  It is of my own making.

As I shared in my first few posts, I was looking for something to provide a more fulfilling life for me, my husband, and family.  I stumbled across DD and made an immediate connection with it, and it has worked for me.  I was extremely fortunate to have a husband who supported it.  Contrary to what people think, I know a lot of men would not have embraced being a Dom.  Just like submission is not for everyone (man or woman), Domination is not for everyone.

After this discussion they seem to be getting it. I am sure there will be more talks before they fully reconcile it in their minds.  Note that in no way am I trying to suggest they should do this or you should adopt this lifestyle.  HOWEVER, I do encourage them, and you, to be more vulnerable to those you love.  That doesn’t mean DD or D/s, unless you feel it should.  And even then, it takes two, and a good Dom is serious about their duties to nourish, respect, and love, as much as a good sub is serious about committing to constant submission that is always there, even when the Dom doesn’t deserve it.  

Just one last thought, also covered in Post 30 but worth repeating, is that achieving oneness with your partner is not about achieving sameness.  As it says in my favorite line from my favorite song ever, “We are one, but not the same.”  (U2’s “One”).    I strongly encourage you to read Post 30.  I found my Thrill, if you haven’t already. 

Peace, joy, love, and fulfillment!

NEXT:  137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking

129. Submissive ramble : Vulnerability. Respect or Love?

In re-reading this post, it is a bit of mess.  I repeat myself a bit and ramble a bit.  I just wasn’t satisfied I was articulating what I wanted, but, I tired of editing and rewriting it and figured that any repetition or rambling was simply a testament to how much I love and appreciate Mike, so much so that sometimes I had to say it twice, or, struggled to find words to bound my thoughts.  Hard to do when your love and appreciation is boundless!

SECRET SAUCE?
I’ve had several discussions with Mike lately about how he is feeling as a Dom and asked him to reflect on our journey from his perspective.   I was prompted to ask him this as I realized I have sort of taken him for granted throughout this journey.   From the beginning this lifestyle was something I wanted and basically expected him to follow.    The discussions with Mike served to further my commitment to this lifestyle and for all the great things that it does for me and for Mike.  In fact, for me, Mike’s feedback helped cement what the “secret sauce” is that brings fulfillment to a Dominant/Submissive relationship.  And amazingly, that sauce is available for everyone, even those not inclined to go the route of Domestic Discipline. 

VULNERABILITY.
The secret sauce is simply, vulnerability.  Although I dedicated an entire post to the value of vulnerability, (Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble), I still didn’t fully extol its’ virtues.   Vulnerability is the essence of why a life of submission has been so rewarding for me, and a life as a Dominant so rewarding for Mike.   Yes, vulnerability has rewarded him as well.  

In talking with John, Donna, and Kayla, they all agreed that vulnerability is where it’s at.  And YOU can have it with our without Domestic Discipline.

Simply be the total and complete authentic YOU.  Share your passing thoughts, naughty or nice, share your dreams, desires, fears, loves, likes, and dislikes.  Share EVERYTHING about your body.   Allow someone to see, inspect, and critique any and everything about you.  Opening up so thoroughly and completely leaves you extremely vulnerable.   It’s super scary, and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.   As I said in Post 67, if you are with someone who you deem unworthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps that aren’t worthy of you.

VULNERABILITY OF A DOM?
What I realized in talking to Mike is that he too has had to make himself vulnerable.  I mentioned before he is typically a pretty passive guy – easy-going.  Having to articulate his desires and having to risk being thought of in a negative way, by me or by Kayla, is also super scary and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.

I think most people assume that the level of vulnerability required for the sub is significantly greater than what is required of the Dom.  I am not so sure.  In part it depends on the general personality pre-D/s.   In my case I was the more domineering and Mike was more submissive.  Not in the kink sense, but in that I tended to assert my wishes and get my way while Mike tended to be more accommodating and would often defer to me.    While it may appear I had the greater challenge, remember that I was the one who asked that we give this lifestyle a try.  I went into it eagerly and with gusto.  Mike was basically just being Mike and accommodating my wishes.   So his journey as a Dom was challenging for him.

Let me state that this is not a competition. It serves no value to try to tabulate the merits of the journey a sub takes in relation to what a Dom takes and declare a vulnerability “winner.” My point is to simply illustrate that it has been a transition for Mike and that it required him to be vulnerable.  Clearly, not in a “time to be inspected/ time to clean / time to be spanked / time to serve / time to submit sexually” way.   But, demanding things of others does expose someone to being ridiculed or disliked because of their demands.   Especially when those demands have to do with sex.  

Mike said he did find it hard to exert his wishes.  At first he stuck pretty close to the letter of the things I prescribed in the contract, then slowly branched out and used more discretion in decided what he wanted or what he would do.  Then along came Kayla. He said Kayla was wanting so much more from him and while he enjoyed (and enjoys) being the Dom she sought, it wasn’t easy.   I wrote that during her immersion there were times I worried that Mike was going too far.   Well, he had the same doubts. He said it would really hurt if he was told he went too far, and exposing all his wants, from day-to-day things to the more prurient interests, left him with a sense of vulnerability.  

Mike says he has grown to love the role of the Dom and it shows.  He is bolder and more authoritarian.   His orders, expectations, and punishments come more quickly and firmly than before.    He doesn’t hesitate to tell me (or Kayla) what he wants from us (the non sexual stuff). And he doesn’t hesitate to tell us what he wants sexually.   And to complete this fulfilling circle, the more dominant he has become, the greater I am fulfilled (and Kayla too).  

Mike told me that it has influenced him at work. He is more decisive than ever before.  In his words, “I am bold, but not a bully.”   He communicates more clearly regarding expectations.  Basically, all the leadership stuff that he has always done well — he is doing even better.  

You might think, “how hard can it be to order your wife to lick the asshole of his girlfriend?”  Well, it requires a lot vulnerability the first time you ask for that! (not dismissing the vulnerability in being the licker or the lickee).   But after a number of every escalating kinky orders, he has all the confidence that I will comply in just about anything he asks (as will Kayla) and do so eagerly.  

Mike also said that while he never felt disrespected in our relationship, he now feels respected every moment of every day.  He said he was embarrassed to admit that he has found that respect to be like a drug.   Knowing that his every wish and every need will be respected is mind-boggling for him.   He says he finds it so fulfilling to not only be so completely respected, but to see how fulfilling it is to me and Kayla to give that respect.     

Choose one: Respect or Love?
It ties into something I read somewhere that, if given a choice between respect or love, most men choose respect and most women choose love.  I am sure there are many who disagree, and I am sure it varies by individual.  And i am not saying it is right or that is should be that way. It is just one of those axioms that resonate with my experiences in life.    

I am fulfilled through respecting every whim, dream, and desire that Mike has by serving him in every way he can imagine.   It’s great to know he is fulfilled too.   

NEXT: 130. Growing our Joy Box. XXX-mas in April.

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121. Questioning my Kink – 20 Questions from Sis

Okay, it wasn’t 20 questions.  It also was my sisters, plural, not just one of them…just taking a bit of literary license with the title.

My sisters peppered me with a variety of questions and I thought their questions, and my answers, were worth sharing.  They didn’t ask me much when I first revealed my lifestyle to them (Post 116).  They’ve become curious now that they’ve had time to cogitate on it.

Before I get into that, a quick apology/clarification on my last post/rant.  I should have made it clear that I do consider myself a feminist AND further, a humanist.  In my mind, the former is a subset of the latter. You can be the former without being the latter, but you can never be the latter without being the former.   Okay, enough of that.    

So, here we go!  Questions from sis. . . 

What if Kayla gets a boyfriend/girlfriend?
The three of us have talked openly about this.  Nothing prevents Kayla from dating but she has made it clear she is not “in the market.”  She feels her relationship with us is the relationship she is in, she doesn’t want or need another.

We talked about how this could change and the potential challenges it could pose.  As we are required to be completely open and honest, that openness can be tricky.  How would it make Kayla feel if Mike or me (or both) did not like this person?  Would Kayla tell this person about her relationship with us, and if not, why not, and if so, at what point?  We aren’t looking for a fourth, but wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to it, but again, that could be awkward.  How would it make Kayla feel if we “rejected” this person she was attracted to?   Then there is the risk the partner would reject her when/if they were told about her relationship with us.  Then there is the issue of being confident that Kayla was practicing safe sex.

I am sure there are even more issues that would have to be addressed.  Suffice to say it gets complicated. It is good that the three of us have talked through these in advance, to the extent you can even anticipate the various complications.  I am not sure how serious Kayla took those conversations because in her mind she isn’t going to date.

What if people at Mike’s work found out?
 Mike and I have become very comfortable and confident with our lifestyle.  While we don’t publicize it and consider it private, we aren’t worried over who finds out. We have a “so what?” attitude about it now.

Kayla and Mike have gone out on dates, have held hands and even kissed in public (like a peck or typical PDA, not like a make out session).  They don’t overly flaunt it, but it is no different from when Mike and I are out together.  Even Kayla and I have held hands or give each other a peck on the lips while out in public.  At some point someone we know will see something.  Let their imaginations run wild!

What if Kayla’s parents found out?
We also talked about this.  You’ll find that there isn’t much that me, Mike, and Kayla haven’t discussed.  I mentioned before I am a bit obsessed with setting expectations and part of that is talking through the various situations we could face in the future.  While you can never anticipate all the turns in life, nor anticipate how you will feel and react when they are real and not just hypothetical, let alone guarantee your feelings won’t change between now and then, it is still helpful to talk them through when they are just hypothetical.  

Kayla feels the chances are that at some point they will find out, probably hearing from someone who saw something in public like I mentioned before.  That is the primary reason she does try to be discreet and not overly flaunt it in public, but at the same time, she will still hold hands with one of us at times, or even give a quick kiss in public.  She is comfortable just telling them it is her life.  She would tell them she isn’t going to discuss her choices.  As for us, we are prepared to do the same.  

What if Kayla tells everyone?
I mentioned this before in a prior blog where Kayla has confided in a friend of hers, with our consent.  That has actually changed in that we have told Kayla she is free to tell whomever she wishes, we just want to know who she tells.    She has since shared it with her circle of friends.

Kayla has found a lot of strength and confidence from being able to share it with her friends.  Explaining it to them, much like me explaining it to my sisters, is a reaffirming thing.  It feels good to verbalize and share, with pride and not shame, what is deeply important to us.    

What about when Kayla leaves?
We have talked about the fact that we are “Mr and Mr. Right-Now” for Kayla, and that we don’t look at this as a lifelong commitment.  However, we aren’t opposed to that either and leave it up to Kayla to indicate when she is ready to take on a new chapter in her life.  Kayla said that emotionally she can’t ever imagine leaving, but philosophically thinks that once she finishes grad school (spring or fall of 2019), she can better assess her needs and plans for the future.   She reiterates that her feelings right now are such that it hurts her to even think about leaving.  We feel the same way.  Mike and I truly love her.  We love what she adds to our household, our relationship, our family.  There is so much more to it than the DD, D/s, and sex.  

What if someone gets physically hurt?
The “kink” life can be a contact sport for sure.  Accidents can happen. I’ve shared an extremely deep bruising I got in Post 52. The Spanking that Keeps Giving.  There’s also been the occasional bump on the head, redness or soreness from a restraint (ankles or wrists), or rawness/extreme sensitivity of genitals or breasts.  And not so much for Kayla, but for us nearing 50, there is the occasional joint or muscle pain after a particularly contorted and demanding activity.   Other than those things, I don’t think we do anything that is extreme enough that it risks injury that would require medical attention.

The key is communicating needs, limits, and how you are feeling.  If something is sore from the day before, you say something.   Of course, if someone were seriously injured, it makes no difference if it were the result of TTWD or just a more typical household accident.  We’d seek appropriate treatment. 

What’s it like?
More specifically, sis asked what it was like being in a three-way relationship.  This is the type of question you can’t really answer to someone’s satisfaction.  

I told her, “You know what it is like to be in your relationship with your husband?   Well, it’s like that.”

I told her there is a lot of mundane and normal stuff that you have in any relationship.  Being submissive is more than a role in the bedroom.  It is a day-to-day, moment to moment mind-set.  And being in this “triad” with Kayla is no different.  It is more than what we do in the bedroom.  It is the day to day, moment to moment interactions that we value the most.  And what those interactions like?  Well, they are like the normal interactions my sister has with her husband.   

Having said that, we clearly have more sexual energy and emotional openness than most relationships.   We spend a lot of time on understanding and reacting to the needs of each other.  I told my sisters that this should be the norm, but unfortunately, typically isn’t for most people. Most relationships lack the proper degree of willingness to be vulnerable with each other. Not so with a DD, and not so with polyamory.

I told them that the secret DD revealed to me is that your willingness to be vulnerable to your partner is directly related to your fulfillment in that relationship.  I’ve posted about vulnerability before.  My favorite is a reblog I did on Post 68. REBLOG: To fall in love anyone, do this.

What kind of equipment or toys did you buy?
That was easy, I told them next time they were over to the house I would show them. I’ve shared a post on my first “shopping spree,” (Post 41. Christmas in July ), but we have continued to make frequent purchases and have a large assortment of stuff.  Kayla has a chest in her room that is her personal choices.  

Of course I followed my answer with, “Why are you asking?  Looking for recommendations?” She slyly said, “Maybe, maybe not.” 

You are okay with Mike having sex with Kayla?
Yes. And he is okay with me having sex with her too.  

What do you enjoy the most?
I told her this was another question without a definitive answer, no more than if I asked her what she enjoyed the most about her marriage.  It is basically the same things about feeling fulfilled.  It is that feeling that is the most enjoyable.  Of course, how I get that feeling is very different from how she gets it.  So the question really is, what activities give me the greatest fulfillment. 

That’s tough to answer.  It isn’t about one thing or one action.  As far as my submissiveness, it is about the full package of being submissive.  I think I summed it up best in Post 30. I found my thrill. I did my best to share those sentiments to her.  I finally just decided to tell her about this blog and told her to read for herself.  (Yikes, maybe that wasn’t a good idea, but too late, my sisters now know of my blog). 

What, you blog about this?
My sisters were dismayed that I blog about this.  I told them it provides sufficient anonymity and it serves as a tremendous affirmation for me.   She countered with my prior statement of being comfortable with people finding out, so why the anonymity.  I told her again I consider this private, and being comfortable with people finding out whatever bit or piece they discover is way different from publicizing all the details that can be shared with a click of the button.  

I’ve been very tempted to share more about myself, pictures, etc.  Mike is totally against this and, while tempted, I too wouldn’t want to do that (yet).  Mike has a total “social media” ban on any salacious pictures of any of us or even non-salacious ones that tie us to TTWD.   I had to agree to that in order to have his permission to blog.    And Mike has access to my email, blog, and all social media so he is able to check up on me.  He knows I have a tendency to overshare, just as I did by telling my sisters of my blog.  

Why don’t I consider this abuse? 
Sis, it is all about consent and intention!  Without those it is absolutely abuse.  DD or D/s or anything we regard as kink is not one-sided exploitation when there is consent and the right intentions.   

Well isn’t this all so nice for Mike? (said sarcastically)
Yes, it is, but don’t think it is easy.  A submitted wife requires a committed husband, and a submitted person requires a committed dom.  These are equally important responsibilities. By equal, I don’t mean “the same.”  It means that the whole thing falls apart if one of us fails in our responsibilities.  But to really answer your question, absolutely, it is very nice for Mike, and that gives me immense pleasure.

Other questions
My sisters also asked questions that I covered in Post 98. Three’s Company Housekeeping.

Their questions were delivered with some skepticism, but were non-judgmental. There was never a “How could you?”  They were truly curious, and remain so, regarding how I got to this point.  They know me well enough to know I have thought through all the angles.  I shared with them that while I put a lot of thought into our journey into DD, almost from the moment I considered it, I knew it was right for me.  

Last question…
Do you have regrets about this?
No, and further, I still have that same enthusiasm today as I had when my journey started. And while my enthusiasm hasn’t waned, my appreciation as increased.  I think of the path my life was on pre-DD and know that there was no way I could be as happy and as fulfilled as I am as a submitted wife.  The relationships with John and Donna, and of course with Kayla, are unexpected and joyful additions to that journey. 

NEXT: 122. Mischievous Mike and the Little Girl

 

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86. Nature vs. Nurture? Finding my DD.

This post picks up where I left off on my prior post and I apologize in advance if I meander a bit in thought and revisit some topics from some of my initial posts.  I am just laying the emotional backdrop to an epiphany I had today that I will share on my next post.

Donna continues to stay with us until John returns on November 19.   In my last post I shared that Donna perceives the source of my submission as coming from a “bright” place in that my past lacked experiences with abuse, belittlement, neglect, etc.  I felt she was stereotyping and the comments I received seemed to agree. Submissives come from all walks of life with varied experiences!

The one common thread is simple – submissives get immense satisfaction from being submissive. The “why” will vary, but the end result is the same – it provides fulfillment in ways we haven’t found in other lifestyles. My About page highlights several of my posts about what I get from submission. My ongoing discussions with Donna have given me the opportunity to think more about why I get that fulfillment. Simply put, I have needs.

NEEDY 
I looked up the definition of “needy” and it is – destitute, indigent, deprived, disadvantaged. The definition seems to only address economic issues, not emotional issues.   Why is that? Because when it comes to emotions, we all have needs, therefore by default, we are all needy.   Satisfying our non-economic needs is a combination of cultural influences and our individual biology. The age-old combination of nurture and nature that influences everything about us.

NURTURE?
My embrace of DD certainly wasn’t from the “nurture” side of things because nothing in my upbringing supported a path to submissiveness. I know that there are some who had their submissiveness nurtured from an early age. This could be due to religion or other influences where submission was modeled by others around you and expected from you. That’s not me. While my dad was a misogynist, my mother instilled in me that I was free to live life as I see fit and didn’t need anyone (like a man), or anything (like a drug) to complete me. My family is full of strong females who modeled very non-submissive attitudes and behaviors for me.

My dad was present, but not active, in my life and that of my siblings. He went to our various school events, but never was as invested in what we were doing as my mom was.   In other words, he never asked us questions about what we were doing, what we liked, disliked, etc. It was more, “What time do you need me to be there?”

My parent’s relationship is/was odd. They were loving towards me and my siblings, but I simply describe their relationship with each other as amicable. I know my dad cheated on my mom and there was a time they even separated. While they reconciled, they kept separate bedrooms and to this day still maintain separate bedrooms. They act and behave more like best friends and roommates than husband and wife. Some of this may be because my mom didn’t conform to the submissiveness my dad desired from her. Oh, and for what it’s worth, I always related to my mom and her sense of self and self-empowerment and not my dad’s desire for a “barefoot and pregnant” (and quiet) housewife.

NATURE?
My body rewards me when I think of submission, let alone actually submit.   Whatever “pleasure” endorphins or neurochemicals the brain naturally produces all go into overdrive when I submit (or even just think about it). Simply put, these pleasure chemicals feel good!   My mom said I didn’t need any drugs in my life, and while I know she meant the illicit type, oh how wrong she was. Endorphins and the various natural neurochemicals our body produces are heaven!

Interesting, but I’ve read stuff that indicates some people get a release of these pleasure chemicals when they think of their religion. Brain scans of people who identify as highly religious show a lot of activity in their “pleasure centers” when they are asked to think about their religion. Religion is a form of submission. Interesting that the brain “rewards” some of us for submission.

Of course, the debate is, was there something in our nurturing that “trained” our brain as to what it deemed pleasurable, or were we hard-wired at birth?    Studies agree it isn’t one or the other, but a mix of both, and likely more nature versus nurture (at least from what I have read).

FINDING DD (Revisited)
I cover this in more detail in my Back Story and will summarize it here. I didn’t get into Domestic Discipline until I was 45 and married for 23 years.   I “had it together” during those 23 years.   Things pretty much had to be my way and Mike pretty much conceded.

I found myself seeking greater and greater control of everything. Part of this was to compensate for my son’s special needs. By controlling his environment to give him every possible opportunity to thrive in every moment of every day, I could at least yield some influence over a condition I couldn’t cure.   Mentally I dismissed every act of my control as an act of love for my son, no matter if it really related to his care or not.   In my mind, the more problems I could solve (control), and the more deeds I could do, the better my son would be. It didn’t matter if it was solving his problems, or my sister’s, or my nieces or nephews, friends and neighbors, Mike’s, my other kids, or Kayla’s. Their problems became my problems and I was going to help solve them.   Suffice to say, I burnt myself out.

OPEN TO ANY SOLUTION
My overload led me to seek a change in my life which to me, meant reading and researching to figure it out. I stumbled across Domestic Discipline. My first thought about DD was “that’s dumb, move on.”   However, I have this odd habit that the more negative my initial reaction is to something, the more I want to read about it.  I have found that I have learned so much by opening myself up to things that are contrary to my gut reaction.

I encourage everyone to fight through any initial gut reaction they have to a topic and instead say, “Okay, I’ll hear you out.” The trick then is to actually hear the message and not just go through the motions. It is hard, as you have to be humble and assume the best intentions from the contrary point of view. Easier said than done. If you don’t believe me, what’s your gut reaction when you hear something contrary to your beliefs about race, religion, or politics? How open are you to really listening to someone whose thoughts are different from yours?  It’s not easy and admittedly, I don’t always do it well.

I digress, but this “lesson” is worth sharing — Keeping your mind open and really hearing the other side is amazing in finding personal growth. There are times when I do this that I find reinforcement and support for my gut reaction – but there are more times where I at least shift my beliefs to something more moderate, as I find greater understanding regarding the motivations and desires of the “other side.”   And then there are the rare occasions where I completely change my point of view. DD was one such time.

I knew I was on to something after only about thirty minutes or so of reading about DD.  It just resonated with me and my mind was already “rewarding” me with those pleasure chemicals. I remember getting excited and my heart beating faster as I began to formulate how I could incorporate DD into my life. The rest of that journey is laid out in my other posts, basically from posts 1-12.

BRIGHT PATH?
All of what I stated above was a long way of simply saying that while Donna may feel my path to DD was “bright” compared to hers, mine still came about due to a void, a yearning, a missing piece from my life that only submission could fill for me. It also came from a point of just being exhausted trying to do it all.  I loved the thought of giving up my self-imposed responsibility to lead everything in exchange for a self-imposed responsibility to simply follow Mike.

I see the irony in that my DD is akin to what my mother rebelled against – but the BIG difference is that I chose this. It comes down to giving consent versus being controlled.   I think if I had married a domineering man, I too would have rebelled. He was not going to demand submission from me. If I were to give it, it would be because it was my gift. It was not because someone expected it from me.  In fact, I married a man who was willing to defer to me, and perhaps because he deferred too much (or I demanded too much), I reached a point where I was willing to give up all control and fully submit to him.

Not sure where I intended to go with this post, but I needed to get these feelings out. The discussions with Donna these last few weeks has been like a submissive-group therapy session that got me to reevaluate my reasons for choosing this and reinforcing my commitments.  Not that I had doubts, but it’s always a good thing to periodically review your motivations for getting into something and ensure the benefits are aligned with those motivations and that they still hold true for what you and your loved ones need today.

All this talk with Donna even helped lead to a moment of clarity that I didn’t see coming.  Let me just say that emotions often come with an entourage of associates, allowing their presence to go unnoticed as they influence you while hiding amongst the others.

More on that on the next post.

NEXT POST: 87.  AND THERE IT WAS

85. Bright or Dark? Source of Submission.

If you read my last few posts (82 or 84), you know that Donna is staying with us while John is out of the country on business.  The first part of last week was hard on Donna as John required her to be subject to all my rules, and only my rules.  Having to forsake her normal routine and acts of submission was emotionally difficult.   She enjoyed the later part of the week and the weekend as John required her to only follow her normal rules, with Mike filling in for John.

Direction, Discipline, and Service.
I’ve always known John and Donna follow a different D/s relationship compared to Mike and me.  Donna really enjoys, craves, and is fulfilled by direction, discipline, and service. As for me, I like the Service the most, Discipline is good – a nice mix of pain and pleasure – but I don’t really delve into the Direction part.  I don’t seek Mike’s input on a lot of daily decisions. Part of it is that so much of my day is being a mother, and the decisions need to be made quickly.  I will give this more thought.  Perhaps there are more things I could be doing to be more submissive around “Direction.”  I kind of look at is as a nuisance to Mike if I have to seek too much direction from him.  I do defer a lot to him as it is, but I am sure I could do more.  Humm…something for me to think about and talk about with Mike.

Anyway, John set out the rules for this week and it surprised me.  He once again ordered Donna to follow my rules, from this morning (Monday) through when she wakes up on Friday.   I thought this might be devastating to Donna but she took it well.  She told me that it is much easier this week and I was surprised by her reasoning.  She said she is upbeat about it because she knows it will be difficult for her and more importantly, John knows it too, but John wants her to do it anyway.  It’s like, she feels more submissive, and thus more comfortable doing it, precisely because it is difficult for her and John knows it and is requiring it anyway.  Bottom line, she feels more like “his” submissive this week, even though she is following my rules.  Interesting!

Submission – The Dark Side or the Bright?
Spending all this time with Donna means we’ve been able to talk a lot. We’ve talked a lot about our personal motivations and satisfaction regarding submission.  I’ve always admitted that my submission is a bit “light” compared to Donna’s, but she made an interesting observation about my submission.   She said that she feels my submission comes from a “bright” place, and that hers is more from a “darker” place.  And, while she has not known many people who are submissive, her belief is that most cravings for submissiveness comes from a “darker” place and that I was not the norm.

What she meant by dark is that in her mind the submissive has some history that includes perhaps at least some neglect or belittlement, or at worst some physical or sexual abuse.   If not any of those, then at least a depression or high anxiety of other origin.

I’ve only known one submissive –Donna. She has met a few other than me, but didn’t know them well, so our sample size is basically limited to our personal experiences.  I disagreed with her and told her that I think it is her own personal confirmation bias talking.  We all relate best to our own experiences, and tend to assume that people who are like us must have also had similar experiences and have similar motivations.   I told her I’ve never read anything about this so can only assume that like most things in life, people involved in various TTWD run the gamut of life experiences.  That includes whether or not TTWD include D/s or any other kink.  My guess is there is no set profile of “dark” or “bright” (as she called it).

I do admit that her past has some physical, emotional, and sexual trials and tribulations that I’ve been fortunate enough not to experience.  I also admit that those experiences play a role in the colloquial “things we do” as well as in the kink culture TTWD.  I do not believe a specific set of life experiences predisposes someone to seek out a D/s relationship.  As this is just a gut feeling, I am open to the fact I could be wrong.

I also sensed condescension in her tone.  As if she was a “real” submissive and I was just playing like one.  That’s a bit of an over dramatization, but, I still felt that she was inferring this.  Funny thing, but I know in my discussions with Kayla that I’ve done far worse than just infer this.  When I was still feeling resentful about the Kayla situation I told Kayla that this was a serious life choice for me and I couldn’t accept her just doing it as a lark.  Funny how the tables have turned and Donna was basically saying something similar to me.

I avoided feeling offended by Donna as I was able to relate to what she was feeling.  I even told her how I related this to my situation with Kayla.    I agreed her submission is “deeper” than mine, but mine was made to fit me and Mike, not her and John.  It also made me realize even more that it is extremely important that Kayla is allowed to create something that fits Kayla, assuming submission is even a route she decides to go.  And so what if she is just “trying it on for size?”  There isn’t anything that says she has to be committed for life.  Heck, even I eased into the current level of submission I have with Mike.  We don’t owe the submissive lifestyle a certain “level” of submission.  My conversation with Donna just reinforced with me that we should encourage each other to find and maintain a lifestyle that brings us the most joy and fulfillment, whatever that lifestyle may be. 

I wonder if there have been any studies out there about submissives?  Specifically in the Domestic Discipline sense and specifically with the woman as submissive – although it would be interesting to see if the findings are similar with male submissives.  And I don’t mean Christian Domestic Discipline.  I mean regarding women who clearly had options and alternatives and sought out a D/s or a Domestic Discipline relationship of their own volition, absent any family or community/religious expectations.

My bet is we would find that we come from all walks of life, all ages, and a wide range life experiences.  Some great, some good, some not-so-good, and yes, some very bad too.  Oh, what do I know?  I’ve apparently got the “bright” form of submission which according to Donna predisposes me to see everything with rose-colored glasses.  Maybe so.  Maybe not?

86.  Nature vs. Nurture.  Finding my DD.

71. Good Girl

It’s official. After almost 18 months of the “DD-honeymoon” we have settled into a routine. Not that this is bad, it is to be expected. And not to say there still isn’t a lot of satisfaction on multiple levels (emotionally, sexually, you name it) – it’s just that things are in a rhythm and standard routine.

As such, I am not sure what to write about. Since things have settled in and I’ve become quite the pro at fulfilling the commitments I made to myself and Mike, I’ll share a few things that still trip me up now and then. In other words, the things I get punished for. I probably get a spanking about every two or three days for something and rarely might get more than one in a day. I am good girl! Hee hee. That makes me laugh because I have never said that before about myself and don’t ever think in terms of “good girl” or “bad girl.” I am just me. But, as it relates to TTWD and spanking, yep, the description fits, and, even a good girl deserves a spanking every now and then.

Let’s see, my last few punishments. . .

Aha. A few nights ago I failed to journal. I typically do so in bed and the other night I got in bed and fell asleep before doing so.   Spanking!   Another evening I had left the bathroom a bit messy (a towel on the floor and some stuff out on the counter) after a shower. I left the bathroom for something and intended on returning to clean up, but forgot.   Spanking!   Oh yeah, and I got what I think is my first “pouting” punishment. Mike needed me to do something and I gave the, “Aww man, are you serious? That’s so inconvenient for me” look.   Spanking! Well, I did ask Mike to be strict, and he is delivering. I am not complaining – I am just stating the facts. And in fact, I like it!!

Then, there is the most memorable punishment of late – probably the worst punishment in months – it was for something I bought without permission. I’ve shared before that unnecessary and compulsive over-shopping was an issue for me many years ago. As such, one of the rules I created for our contract was that I must ask for permission when buying anything other than food or toiletries.

Well, I popped into the store for a few things we needed and happened down the aisle that had some dish clothes. I innocently thought, “Humm, ours are getting pretty ragged, so I’ll think I’ll pick up a few new ones.”   I told myself, “Oh, I’ll call Mike in a few minutes once I’ve gotten everything I am going to get, just in case I find something else that we need so I can ask for permission all at once.”   Next thing I know the item is being scanned at checkout and I realize, “oops, I forgot to call Mike.”   No problem, it wasn’t too late. I’ve called or texted Mike while I was standing at a register before. I am not embarrassed to do so in front of others (okay, maybe a little, but actually it excites me to display my submissiveness this way).   But, this lady was behind me with a lot of stuff and several kids and she had this “will you please hurry up” look. I didn’t want to hold up the line and it was the last item that needed to be checked. So, I handed over the debit card and checked out without calling Mike.  That lady will never know the sacrifice I made for her! Ha.

So, I am pushing the cart to the car and thinking, “Do I call him now and ask?” I could just pretend I hadn’t purchased it yet. What if he says no, and I have to return it? He will see the credit on our statement. Surely I could come up with some lie to cover it up. What if he happened to check the receipt? He has done that on occasion. But what if he says it is okay? He will never know I already bought it before asking, unless he went to the extreme of looking at the time I called him and the time on the receipt and question why they were virtually identical.   And, if I got caught lying, the punishment would be escalated – plus, even if I wasn’t caught, I have a terrible guilty conscience. I know I would just end up confessing anyway. Nope, I would have to just tell the truth and face the consequence.

It was early afternoon and our son was at school and Mike was working from home. I came in and immediately told him what I did. As part of my explanation I also said, “It was only just a few bucks anyway.”   He calmly asked me to get the stuff I bought put away, and then get undressed and find a corner in the kitchen to stand in while I wait for him.

A few minutes later he came into the kitchen and lectured me on how it wasn’t about the amount I spent as he agreed, it was trivial, but the act itself was not trivial. Given my history and my own wishes regarding asking for permission to buy things, he said he felt this was a “significant” transgression. He said I clearly was too quick to be dismissive of the importance as I failed to call or text right away and seemed to justify it by saying it was “only a few bucks anyway.”   Dang it!

He told me to bend over and he gave me about 20-25 warm ups by hand. He then took the wooden spoon from the drawer and gave me 15 very firm ones on each cheek, so 30 in all.   He then sat down and told me to get across his knee. He proceeded to give me about 100, maybe more.   Not super hard, but not soft. He varied where his hand landed so that by the end, I was pretty pink all over my butt. Then he told me to go to our room and stand in the corner and he would be in a bit.

He came in about 15 minutes later and had me fetch the hairbrush. Again I went across his knee. I don’t know how many, maybe 30, and by this time I was crying as he was going at it pretty hard. I also felt bad for indeed trivializing it, as this behavior is tied to some very bad times in our past. He had me get up and I thought it was done, but no, he then asked me to put my elbows on the bed. He then got one of the long wooden paddles that is more like a board. He had me count these off and each one was very hard. I got 10.

He then told me I had 15 more minutes of corner time and he would return.   When he did, I was ready for our “Closing Ceremony” but no, he called me across his lap. It made me cry when he told me to get across his lap and I gave a face that was clearly a “no” face.   He said, “Don’t hesitate getting over here as that just added to your spanking. I went across his lap and he proceeded to give maybe another 40 or so, again, not real hard, but by this point, definitely hard enough.   He then had me stand and he took off his belt and gave about 10 for the “no” face.

He then said I had another 15 minutes of corner time and he would set the timer. When it was up I was free to leave the corner and wash up and come into his office where we would finally have our “all is forgiven” moment to close the punishment.

In the moment and for a sometime thereafter, I felt the punishment was excessive. By the time our Maintenance Session rolled around where I could talk to him about it, I decided not to say anything.   I had asked Mike to be strict with me, and strict he was. Also, I understood that even though the specific items I purchased were trivial, my transgression represented some bad times in our past that neither one of us wants to revisit. So, once the soreness went away, in reflection, I feel the punishment was appropriate.

NEXT: 72. Swinging Solo