This post shares a very cathartic moment in my life. Sorry for the length of the post, but I felt it was important to detail each step that led to the catharsis because perhaps it wouldn’t have been possible if not for the events that led up to it.
I mentioned that with John away, at times John required Donna to be subject to all my “house” rules regarding submission, and at other times had her adhere to her own usual rules, with Mike serving in place of John in the execution of those rules.
DONNA’S INTENSE MONTHLY MAINTENANCE
John and Donna have a routine of an intense monthly maintenance at the first of each month. I’ve mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM in TTWD than Mike and I. Donna looks forward to these sessions, counting down the days as a month draws to a close. She said the intensity of them was like an “emotional dump” of all her negative feelings and anxieties. She said she was really looking forward to November’s session to purge away any remaining negative feelings that linger regarding her having to follow my rules.
While I accept that pain can do that for her and for other people, it doesn’t quite do that for me. At best I enjoy the pain of my punishments, and at worst, I simply tolerate them. While the pain does give me a release, I find plenty of release from a moderate amount of pain, thus no need to intensify it. I also find release simply in the act of submission, even when no pain is involved. Thus, while I can relate to a sense of purging negative emotions through pain, for me if the punishment gets intense it doesn’t take long for that purge to cross over into just plain old intolerable and unacceptable pain. I guess I am just not wired to find pleasure that way, just as I am sure many women are not wired to find pleasure in any one of my punishments that I enjoy. In any event, I am happy for Donna that she enjoys this and finds it beneficial.
Each session they focus on different parts of the body. This month it was her breasts. Donna told me this was her favorite because she bruises the most and the tenderness lasts the longest compared to any other body part. She said the visual and physical reminders that last for several weeks serve as reminders of her submission, giving her joy for those several weeks.
MIKE PERFORMS DONNA’S BREAST PUNISHMENT
As John was out on November 1, Mike had to administer her punishment. Mike and Donna went over to her house to perform this while John skyped in to watch. I wasn’t there as I stayed home with our son.
When Mike and Donna returned I just had to see what her tits looked like. Donna showed me and for a brief moment I was shocked. I was shocked with the extent of the bruising that was already apparent, shocked that Donna enjoyed this and looked forward to this, and shocked that Mike was responsible for delivering it.
The shock lasted only a few seconds. My next reaction was that her breasts looked beautiful. Beautiful because what it represented to her, not because what they represented to me. I knew to her these were important symbols of her submission and made her feel complete, feel renewed, feel invigorated, and feel connected to John. It also made me think, “I want that.”
I wondered if I would like a similar maintenance session? Part of me wanted to submit to Mike in that way, but boy, it really looks like it hurt! I don’t know if that is really for me. There was still a part of me that wanted to give it a try
My breast punishments are mostly my nipple clamps, breast bindings, and tack bra. There’s been some breast punishment but nothing too harsh or prolonged. For some odd reason I wanted to see what level of pain would have to be inflicted in order for me to bruise. I’ve never thought that way before about a punishment. The goal has never been to inflict a given mark. Sure, marks have happened, but not because they were the ultimate goal. What kind of punishment would it be where I would be asking for a bruise? I just couldn’t see asking for this, it was so different than any punishment. It seemed contrary to what DD means to me.
However, part of DD is also to be open to exploration. Explore my thoughts through sharing every thought with Mike, explore my sexuality through being open to act on my fantasies and Mike’s, and explore my boundaries regarding everything. Thus, I could approach this outside any punishment or maintenance session and simply look at it as an experiment in testing boundaries. So, I asked Mike if he would be willing to perform a similar punishment on me.
Mike asked me if I was wanting this out of any sense of jealously for him administering the punishment to Donna. Wow, honestly, that never crossed my mind. I told him I knew that it was important to Donna to stick as close to her routine as possible and I am happy I had a husband who was willing to help in doing that. I felt a sense of pride that our DD was able to accommodate what Donna needed and that it served to further connect us with John and Donna.
Mike agreed to give me a similar session, but wanted to build the tension and anticipation and said it would be part of our maintenance session on Sunday (which is today). In just the course of six days I saw Donna’s breasts go from the blue, to deep purple, and then to purple-yellow splotches as some of the bruising began to heal. It made me anxious as Sunday drew near. Could I really take it?
MY BREAST PUNISHMENT
We had my “normal” maintenance session and then Mike called Donna in to watch the “Maintenance Bonus” as we called it. Mike got a wooden spoon to use as that is what he used on Donna. He had me lay down on the bed and he got on his knees next to me on the bed. He then proceeded to hit one breast four times in rapid succession, then the other. It made me flinch something fierce but more out of an uncontrolled reflex than intolerable pain. He had to put one arm just below my breast to help keep me in place and then gave four or five to each breast in rapid succession. He then said that was just a warm up.
With quite a bit of force he hit one breast. I had to grab the pillow and bury my head in it to muffle my moan. He then hit the other. Then again but this time two times per breast, then again but three times. I then called, “Pause, pause, pause!!” Our “yellow” safe word.
After I collected myself he resumed. He did one per breast, followed by two per, then three, then four, then five, but before he could finish with the five I again called for “Pause.” My face buried deeper into the pillows. He asked me if I needed to stop. He reminded me this was not a punishment, he is ready to stop whenever I am and that I don’t have to endure what Donna did.
For some reason I was at a point where I was telling myself I needed to find my pain threshold and that it was no longer about submission or fulfillment or pleasure or purging. It was simply a battle with my will to endure pain and I wanted to challenge that will.
I told him to continue. He repeated the one per, two per, three per, and got all the way through to five per breast. I was crying, it hurt like hell.
I asked him how much more. He said that maybe he was about a fourth of the way through. That meant I had to endure everything I have already endured yet another three times. I knew then that I was not going to make it through that, but I felt I came this far and that I could take just a little more. I told myself I would never go down this path again as it was all just surreal and not like me, but that since I was here, I might as well push it as far as I could take it and I wasn’t quite there yet.
Mike started up again. I don’t know how far he got but I soon called out “Mercy” (our “red” safe word).
It was over.
Many punishments come with a hodgepodge of emotions, but this one was different. The pain overrode any joy and soon I started feeling ashamed. Although Mike and Donna can’t read my feeling of shame, it then turned to embarrassed for feeling shameful. I felt ridiculous. Why did I ask for this?
AND THERE IT WAS!
Jealousy can come with an entourage of associates. This allows it to hide more easily. And even at that moment, while I recognized its’ presence, it had yet to fully reveal itself to me.
First, I saw that I was indeed jealous that Mike punished Donna. Not in the act itself, but in that it was something so special, almost sacred, to Donna. I then realized this was the second time in just a few weeks that I let jealousy and resentment cloud my judgement. First in dealing with Kayla, then in dealing with this situation.
I should have listened to Mike when he questioned my feeling of jealously. I should have explored that feeling more and perhaps I would have recognized it then. I tend not to be a jealous person, so Mike wouldn’t have known to question me further and thus accepted my word. I now shared with him that I need him to be more doubtful of my intentions when it comes to potential jealously, as for some reason I have become more prone to that emotion lately.
I apologized to Mike and to Donna for feeling jealous, and that I do want Mike to fill in for John while he is away and that I don’t want anything to change. I told them I don’t sense the root of this has anything to do with TTWD or with TTWDWT (Those Things We Do With Them, hee hee, as in, with John and Donna). In fact, it then quickly came to me what the issue was. Jealously had finally fully revealed itself.
JEALOUSLY FULLY REVEALED
I was feeling resentment towards the needs of my son. I hate that about myself. I love him dearly and will do anything to help him without hesitation. But, I feel a bit jealous as I get closer to Kayla and see that she has so few constraints to her life day to day. Then, with all the time spent with Donna and getting closer to her than ever, I realize that she too has far fewer responsibilities than I do. Then there is the prognosis that this won’t ever change. My son is likely to live with us for the rest of our lives.
It makes me feel horrible to resent that fact. I’ve never felt that before. I never had a sense of “why me” and accepted my lot in life without doubts or hesitation and always strive to look on the bright side and make the most out of every day. However, this mindset has eroded as I got closer to Kayla and Donna.
Part of me feels like if I just stop being close to them I can make those feelings go away. Another part of me says that doing that will create more resentment, not less. Kayla and Donna are important to me. Granted, not more important than my son, but if I forgo having other meaningful relationships in my life, the net effect can’t be positive for me or my son. I’ve just got to get over feeling resentful that my friends, no matter how close they are, don’t share my burdens.
I feel stupid for even having to say that. It is so contrary to how I normally think and function. But, it is the truth and I have to accept it and address it. I am a glass is half-full type person, so it further bums me out that I seem to be looking at this from the half-empty point of view. I know I will work through this, and not only have Mike to lean on for support, but can also talk through this with Donna and Kayla.
I guess this pain thing actually led me to find clarity in what I was feeling and why. !?!?!
Next: 88. Something True.
2 thoughts on “87. And there it was.”
There is a reason that jealously is called the green-eyed monster. Your feelings are normal for the situation you find yourself in. You were submissive to Mike only and now suddenly he is dominant to Donna in a much more severe manner as a surrogate. Poly relationships are always clouded by jealously and that can either tear it apart or, if dealt with in an honest way can weld an unbreakable bond. You are not in the wrong Jen, you have legitimate feelings and legitimate needs. If you can become closer to Donna and Kayla and open yourself to all the possibilities then your jealousy may be channeled into a productive relationship with everyone. You don’t need to be like Donna or Kayla, you need to be yourself. That’s the woman that Mike loves.
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You have never felt a challenge to your role/place in the pack have you? This question isn’t meant to imply a known on your part.