Category Archives: 6. Kayla

Posts about Kayla!

345. Kayla Part IV – Stories of first times

345

Picking up where we left off . . .

Jen:  So Kayla, speaking of semen… you did sort of mention semen…. let’s end this with questions about sex.   What do you think about your sex life?

Kayla:  It’s great, it’s plentiful, it’s great, it’s adventurous, it’s great, it’s fun, it’s great.  Did I say that it was great?  I enjoy sex.  I enjoy being sexual, and I enjoy that Mike enjoys all of that from me.  I am eager to please him in all ways, and sex is just one more way.

Jen: How adventurous were you before our relationship?  Tell us something about your first time and any other notable experiences before we so thoroughly corrupted you.

Kayla:  Maybe I was the one that thoroughly corrupted you?

Jen:  Touche’.

Kayla:  Let’s see. My first girl experience wasn’t much.  I kissed a girl when I was a freshman in high school.  She was a senior.  We kissed and rubbed each other over our clothing, but it didn’t go any further.  We did it a couple of times but then she got scared and said she wanted to stop.

I was fine with that.  I had my reservations and wasn’t bummed out by her wanting to stop, but I would have taken things as far as she was willing.  I didn’t think of myself as bisexual or gay.  I loved guys.  It was more like I was experimenting with a friend.  But the thoughts of sex with another girl didn’t turn me off, but it didn’t turn me on like guys did.

My earliest sexual experience – outside of touching myself or the “towel fun I previously mentioned – was when I was in middle school.  Seventh grade.  That would make me 12 or maybe I had turned 13.  How much detail do you want?  I could probably give you enough for an entire post.   I’ll cut to the chase.  It was in a treehouse with an older boy.  A freshman in high school, so like 15.  Really big stuff for someone in seventh grade.   Anyway, the short of it is that I got naked for him and let him touch, I then got dressed and he got naked for me and let me touch.  My first handjob.  And he came!   Success!  Ha.

We never got together after that.   Funny aside but he later came out as gay.  So I guess I was so bad I turned him gay?  And also, since we didn’t mess around after that one incident, maybe it counts as my first one night stand (laughing).

Jen?  Your first one-nighter?  So there were more?

Kayla:  Uh… no actually.  Oh, wait, one.  Yeah, and that one I don’t even remember his name.  I was about 19 or 20 and it was at a party.   And that was a for-real one-nighter.  Live and learn.

Jen:  And your first time having sex?

Kayla:  I was 16. He was 19.  I met him at a church retreat, but my first time didn’t leave me screaming, “Oh, God!”  (laughing).

The retreat was in the woods and there were a bunch of cabins.  He was one of the “counselors”  and, me being me, I befriended the older crowd who were all the counselors.  I was attracted to him and the short story is that he led me off to some unused cabins far from the main area and we had sex.   He brought a condom, so in hindsight, he was totally prepared.  I knew as we were walking there that we were going to mess around, but I didn’t think we would have sex.

Jen:  Why do you think you weren’t thinking of sex?

Kayla:  Inexperienced I guess.  But it wasn’t like I thought we weren’t going to have sex.  I just didn’t evaluate the situation one way or the other.  It was like, “Yea, this ‘man’ wants to fool around with me.”

I had boyfriends and had kissed and touched and been touched before.  But it was always up to the guy regarding how far things went.  I was always pretty passive.  I wanted to please and was too afraid to make a move they didn’t want. I figured if they wanted it, they would, well, it sounds bad, but, just take it.  Not in a rough way, but just, well, initiate it.  Maybe that’s a better word.  Initiate it.  Yes, much better.  Initiate, not take.  I have never felt someone “took” something sexually from me.  I’ve been fortunate that I have always been in a position to freely give, but they had to initiate.

Jen:  Going back to that experience in the treehouse, did he initiate it?

Kayla:  Oh, he did, for sure.  But I was for sure cool with it.  I wanted to please, even then.  And he sort of jokingly said something like, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”  That’s all it took.  I was like, “Okay.”  He said, “You first.”  I took my shirt off.  Very compliant. In hindsight I could have just snickered and said, “You wish” and that would have been the end of it.  But I am glad I didn’t.  I don’t regret the experience.

Jen:   What was that first time in the cabin like?

Kayla:  The guy was nice.  He wasn’t aggressive but didn’t have to be.  I didn’t resist anything, but he was clearly the initiator.  He totally pulled my pants and panties off, and after some foreplay, he pulled his pants down and well, did the deed.  My mind was not into the sexual pleasure of it.  I mean, parts of it felt good but my mind wondered and focused on the parts that were a bit uncomfortable or mundane. 

I was feeling some new sensations in my vagina and some nice swirls in my belly, but what I remember thinking of the most was the floor and the ceiling.  Yep.  Floor and ceiling, not fireworks and over the top passion.  It was an older unused cabin.  The planks that made up the floor were very rough, I kept thinking, “I am going to get a splinter!”   And I remember the ceiling.  I can picture it today.  Old planks of wood with occasional water stains.   No denying it,  I was not that into the sex and it was more like he was having sex with me than I with him.  He didn’t mind.

It seemed like he lasted a long time.  I would think about what I was feeling down there…combination of discomfort and delight…then think about the floor that was scratching my back, then think about the ceiling – almost like looking at clouds and imagine a bunny or funny face.  I was doing that with the water stains.   OH, and then back to the feeling between my legs for a moment, then back to staring at the ceiling.  As he got close I started to focus on his breathing.  I liked that part more than anything.  He let out the cutest noises that got louder and louder.  I didn’t fully understand it but knew that it was a sign he was enjoying it.  I liked that part more than anything.  Then he came.

Jen:  Did you go off to the cabins with him again after that.

Kayla:  Yes.  Twice more.  Also, it became the first time I gave and received oral sex.   He went down on me and afterward asked if I wanted to go down on him.  Again, that’s all I needed.  I was totally compliant as long as I didn’t have to initiate stuff.  He asked.  That was good enough for me.   I mean, I wanted to, I just didn’t want to have to initiate it. I know that was the insecurity in me.  I felt I didn’t deserve to ask or to presume he wanted what I wanted.  I only wanted to do what he wanted to do, so all he had to do was ask.

Jen: And your initial thoughts about oral sex?

Kayla:  Receiving?  Loved it.  I mean, really loved it.  No thoughts of the floor or ceiling during that.  He made me have an orgasm.  And while it felt incredible for me, I remember how happy it made him.  As someone who wanted to please, in my mind, I was like, “Oh, I get it.  I need to orgasm to make him that happy.”

At that point,  I think it was important to my psyche that my sexual pleasure was about the other person and not about me.  I told myself that my orgasms were for him.   In reality, believe me, they felt good to me.  I enjoyed them and wanted more of them, whether with a guy or by myself.  But I think at that point in my maturity I couldn’t admit that I owned my sexual desires or pleasure.  Maybe it was guilt or shame?  Not sure, but the way I reconciled my reluctance to accept my sexual desires was to rationalize they weren’t for me but for the person I was with.  I think that’s how I started finding my joy through their joy.

Jen: And what about giving oral sex?

Kayla:  As I said, he had to ask – but only had to ask once!  (laughing)

I remember that pretty vividly too.   If he loved my orgasm from eating me out, he took it to another level when I gave him head.  And his reaction during it all was totally turning me on.  I didn’t have an orgasm but I remember being very turned on after he finally came.  I was as out of breath as he was and I was wanting to go again.  I think if he lasted a little longer I would have cum.  To this day I’ve always been orgasmic when giving head.

Jen: So did you swallow?

Kayla: Yes.  I didn’t even think of it as an option.  I mean, I guess I would have spit it out if it had tasted gross.  It was fine and went right down.  No big deal.  In hindsight, he either didn’t cum a lot or it just slid right down.  The swallowing seemed uneventful at the time.

Jen:  What was your biggest takeaway from your cabin experience regarding your sexual evolution?  Any regrets?

Kayla:  Biggest take-ways from the camp were – Oral sex?  Totally rocks.  Penis-in-vagina?  Over-hyped.  But the most significant takeaway is that I actually had the ability to make someone feel that good and that someone could also take pleasure in me feeling that good.   No regrets.  He was a good guy to lose my virginity to.

Jen:  Interesting.  Even now you explain it in a way that is very focused on the other person.  Your ability to make THEM feel good.  THEIR finding pleasure in your feeling good.  All seem like submissive thinking.

Kayla:  Totally.  As I said, I was very compliant.  I was fortunate I generally hung around decent people.  Any of the guys, from the treehouse to the cabin, to first girl-on-girl kiss, could have asked me to do anything and I would have complied.   In reflection, it is easy to joke about, but no joke, I am lucky.  I don’t think I was ready for anything beyond what actually took place in each of those situations.  Of course, in hindsight, I think they weren’t either, which is why things happened the way they did.

Jen:  What of your first time with a woman, beyond the kissing and over the clothes stuff.

Kayla:  Shouldn’t I share my first threesome experience with two guys? I mean, if we are going about this chronologically?

Jen:   I don’t think my readers would object.  Do tell

Kayla: I was 17 and was dating a 20-year-old.  I met him in high school and he went on to college.  He seemed like a “man” and it was a big deal that I was dating someone in college.   We were having sex pretty regularly and all was good on that front.  His brother was my age and in my grade.   I was talking with my boyfriend and he told me his brother was a virgin.  I said something like, “maybe I could hook him up.”  My boyfriend said, “You’d do that for him?”  I was puzzled and was like, “Sure, why not.  He’s cute, he looks like you.”  My boyfriend then said, “Can I watch?” I was like, “What? Wait?  Watch what?”

Then it got awkward.  I had said, “Maybe I could hook him up,” which I meant to mean maybe I could find him a girlfriend.  But my boyfriend thought he heard me say, “Maybe I can hook up?”  which he interpreted as me saying, “Maybe I can hook up with your brother?”

Again, being the pleaser I was, and not finding the prospects the least bit objectionable, after a good laugh I told my boyfriend that if he wanted me to, I would do that.    Turned out that for my first time with his brother it was just me and the brother, no one watching.  But the next time it was all three of us — and no one was just just watching!  Yep, I had a threesome with two brothers.

Jen:  Was it a recurring thing?

Kayla:  No.  The threesome was just that one time.  But I did have sex with the brother again. That’s another story, but the short of it is that I bet I was the last girlfriend he shared with his brother (laughing).

Jen: What of your first time with a woman

Kayla:  That would be my friends I was living with right before I moved in with you.  I met her in my first year of college.   The short story is she wanted to surprise her boyfriend with a threesome and I said:  “Count me in.”   So my first time with another woman there was also a man involved, but eventually, just the two of us would get together.   They asked me to move in, which I did, and well, that’s where I was when this older couple took advantage of me, brainwashed me, made me join their marriage and be their sex slave.  Um, er, ah.  I mean, that’s when you confided in me about your dynamic and well, here we are today.

Jen:  And THAT’s the story of Kayla!

That will be the end of these interviews.  But I will post a quick rundown of where things are with our “Circle of Trust” couples since I haven’t shared much about them in a long time.  Oh, and of course, I still need to do a post about our Immersion 2020.

It’s so strange.  Our Immersion was just a few weeks ago, but it seems like a long time ago.  It was right on the cusp of our country taking COVID seriously.   We were being foolish as we were doing the exact opposite of social distancing.  Thankfully it was still within a limited number of friends, but still – dumb, dumb, dumb!  Anyways, we survived it unscathed and uninfected.  Which is the goal of any orgy!   It will be nice to remember the good ol’ days of a few weeks ago.

Hope you enjoyed the 4-mega posts with Kayla!

NEXT: 346. Immersion in the Year 2020 P.C. – Swapfest

 

 

 

 

 

344. Kayla Interview Part III

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I know I’ve spent a lot of time posting about my “Interview with Kayla.”  Don’t you know that I am slightly fond of her?   Hee-hee.   Hopefully, you find that hearing from her is interesting and entertaining.    If you didn’t read the other parts, here ya go — Part I.    Part II.

PART III
Jen:  I had someone email me asking about finances.  They were in a long term committed poly relationship and found the finances to be a point of contention.

Kayla: I think whether it’s a traditional or non-traditional relationship, money can be a source of friction.   I think it is less about the type of relationship and more about any differences in how each person views money.  You probably understand the psychology better than I do.

Jen:   Yes, there is something universal about household finances as a potential point of conflict for any relationship.   Economic power is just one more area a couple in a power-exchange dynamic has to address.  Sometimes the submissive may be willing to submit in many ways except economically.   This can cause conflict if the Dom expects such submission.  No different than if talking sex or household rules of any kind.

There’s nothing wrong with a power-exchange that does not include an exchange of economic power.  There is no right way or wrong way for a submissive or a Dom to think about this.   The key is,  no relationship can ignore this topic and like EVERY aspect of their relationship, they have to find a solution that works for everyone involved.  You can assume a submissive is likely to submit financially, but they may not for many valid reasons.  No different than say a submissive who does not want to be sexually shared or that just doesn’t do windows.  Haha.  They just have to find a Dom that accepts it.  But this post isn’t about financial advice for kinksters, it’s about you.  So explain how your finances work.

Kayla: I think you posted about this (I did).   When I was going to school I paid you rent.  My dad was still giving me money for living expenses and I had a part-time job for a bit.  I would give all my money to Mike and he would give me an allowance.  He monitored my purchases and I had to get permission for most expenditures.  I didn’t have many expenses since you all took care of groceries, utilities, and stuff like that and my dad took care of school expenses.

When I started working a “career” job after finishing school, I didn’t hesitate to give all my money to Mike.  Direct deposit into his account.   We didn’t even discuss it ahead of time.   I just did it as it was natural to me and I expected it of myself, as much as Mike expected it of me.  The fact I was making significantly more money didn’t change this for me.

Jen:  Did he expect it?  What would you say to those that think he, or we, are taking advantage of you? 

Kayla:  If they are going to point to the money as the area of concern, and not all the other submissive things I do or that I am part of a relationship with a married couple, then to me that’s a positive.  At least they accept those other parts and if they want to focus on the finances, so be it.  To me, either I am being taken advantage of in every aspect of our relationship or I am not.  I know I am not.  What others think doesn’t bother me.  You all bought me a car (Post 283. We are three) with what I thought was rent money I was giving to you.  I have no reason not to trust you all. 

Jen:  I understand it, but what would you say to those that don’t?

Kayla:  I think they say that because they can’t understand how I could be secure in this relationship, emotionally or financially.  They assume my relationship with you all is tenuous and I should maintain an exit plan, including a financial one.  That’s b.s. to me.  I bet I am saving more money than my peers.  

Jen:  You have money in your own name?

Kayla:  Yes, Mike insisted.  But he does see my statement and I can not spend it – period.  But to be clear, I would have accepted having nothing in my name.  I was even willing to have the car in his name.  I was willing to have no assets to my name.  Mike was the one who insisted on an arrangement where I have money of my own.

Mike said that I deserved a semblance of financial security that you have as his legal wife.  While legally it can never be the same, he felt it important that I had a safety net.  I can’t get equity in the home, but I could build equity some other way.  His explanation made me feel better because honestly, I wanted to 100% submit financially – give everything to him.   Now, I cherish what I do have in my name because it represents a financial equity in this household and in our marriage, legal or not.

Jen:  Explain how the arrangement works.

Kayla:  All our money goes into our household “Bills” account that Mike controls.  He takes care of the mortgage, utilities, and any recurring monthly expenses.   There’s typically a set amount that he then transfers to our “Daily” account.  All three of us are on the Daily account and use it for groceries, gas, clothing, and things like that.   (I covered the basics of this is in Post 181.  Domestic Financial Discipline).   The two of us have rules on what we can buy without permission, like groceries and gas.  This account is like our allowance.  Mike rarely makes purchases from that account since we are responsible for day-to-day household needs.   We are free to spend that account down to zero if need be as it is the amount Mike has allocated for all those daily type household expenses.

And when he puts money in the Daily, he also puts some in our individual savings accounts and the family savings account.  That can be used for gifts for birthdays and Christmas and to build up for that rainy day.   So savings is already taken out as if it were its own expense.  Mike is so good with money.  I have no clue how to spend wisely or save anything.  Well, I do now.

I already have a nice savings balance, plus Mike was adamant I contribute a large amount to my employer’s 401(k).  Believe me, financially speaking I am way better off than most of my peers.  While it sounds ominous that my paycheck goes to Mike, I not only enjoy this arrangement, I am benefiting from it.  Mike also provides me a level of financial discipline I could not provide on my own. 

Jen:  Speaking of discipline, let’s talk DD, more precisely, how your journey into submission has evolved.   What’s your narrative to describe your journey?

Kayla:  The summary of it is, I was insecure, I was self-destructive and headed down a path of even greater destruction, I was scared, I was lost.  I was like a ship that on the outside seemed seaworthy but I had no rudder.  Then you all let me in.  From the moment you shared your dynamic with me I was intrigued.  Make that hooked(Post 77.  Heart to Heart with Kayla).  I remember immediately thinking, “I want Mr. H to treat me that way.”  I think I became very flirty in hopes of charming you.  I guess it worked!

Jen:  Ya’ think?   Speaking of me, at first, we dabbled with having me as a disciplinarian along with Mike.  Talk about that.

Kayla:  I liked the idea of being submissive and accountable to both of you.  In some ways I still do, but not to the degree I needed it at first.  I can’t explain it, but I think part of it was that I wanted to be accepted by both of you and a part of both of you.  I didn’t want just a one-way relationship that was only me and Mike while the two of you had your own relationship.  I wanted a three-way relationship and at the time I thought being submissive to you was one way to have that.   Over time I realized I could have a relationship with you that didn’t include being your submissive, and anyway, it was interfering with your submissive mindset, so we both sort of moved on from that.

Jen:  “Sort of?”  So would you prefer that I discipline you?

Kayla:  Sometimes.  But I know when I think through the implications, while I like the idea of it, I wouldn’t like the reality of it.  I love where things are between us and wouldn’t want to change it.  But, I wouldn’t mind a spanking from you now and then, even if just play.

Jen:  Noted.  We can make that happen.  How would you describe our relationship and your thoughts about the age difference?

Kayla:  You are my wife.  That’s how I describe it.  I love you.  Age exists but doesn’t change those feelings.  I figure there is probably some element of psychology at work regarding my relationship with my mom – or lack of.   When I was 12-15ish I thought of you as a motherly figure.  No escaping that.  I love the warmth of your nurturing soul, and I love to be the object of that nurturing.   And at one time that nurturing may have had more of a mother-daughter vibe, but that vibe completely changed when I became a part of the family.

Jen:  Thank you, and yes, it did.  You are confident and vibrant.  You are “adulting” very well.   You don’t need mothering.   But, you do like to be little?  What do you think that is about? (Post 279. And baby makes three)

Kayla:  We’ve talked about this a lot and I still can’t fully explain it.  I think the really young age play — infant level play — was part of “resetting” my childhood from the beginning.   I needed to start from that beginning.  Sort of role-playing it out where I got everything I needed psychologically.   And then eventually I “aged up” in that play from infant to toddler to young child.

Jen:  And where are you today in that play?

Kayla:  I don’t know any other littles, but from what I’ve read I am probably more in line with the more traditional little-play.  I still have that need to be little now and then.   It’s fun role play, but I get deeply into it, beyond a role.  I become little in my mind.  I’d say my little persona ranges from age 4 to 7 but occasionally may dip into age 2 or 3 regarding breastfeeding or diaper play.

Jen:  I love that breastfeeding and diaper play rolls off your tongue as if you were talking about a favorite dessert or dress.

Kayla:  What?  You mean they aren’t normal things to talk about?   If your readers could only hear some of our conversations!  Besides, those are my favorite desserts and dress. (laughing). 

Jen:  What about your need for discipline.  Do you think about why you need this lifestyle?

Kayla:  Not really.  I just accept it.  It fulfills me.  It just feels right.  It’s like if you asked a vanilla hetero woman what she thinks about why she needs her vanilla hetero lifestyle.  You just are what you are and should just be what you are.  Go with it if it fulfills you and doesn’t harm others.

Jen:  You’re right.  I think I project my feelings on this.  Coming from 20+ years of being that vanilla hetero wife, I guess it’s easier for me to think about why I changed.  I lived the other side for so long and thus it may be more natural to occasionally reflect.  But you never see a friend or co-worker or woman in the store or ever have thoughts of, “I wish I could do that.  I wish I could be free?”

Kayla:  Never.  I cherish my role in our marriage and love being submissive.  I am free!  Free to explore something that means everything to me.  Free to explore my submission and do so in a healthy and nurturing environment.  I wouldn’t want any other life or lifestyle.

Jen:  Your submission is deeper than mine, in terms of what you do and what fulfills you.  In kink terms, it is more Master/slave than simply Dominant/submissive.

Kayla:  Like you, I had to find my limits, that level of submission that fulfilled me and that Mike was comfortable with giving.  He’s such a perfect Dom in helping both of us find our individual limits and not dictating them.  I do love a more slave oriented dynamic than a submissive one.   It’s hard to explain.  I need Mike to know I am his in any and every way he wants.  It isn’t enough for him to feel it is true, I want him to demonstrate it is true.   No different than you.  It’s just a matter of degree.  Mike is awesome at recognizing the different degrees to set things for you compared to me.

Jen:  I agree, but I always like to note on my blog that while Mike is the perfect Dom, he’s our perfect Dom.  He’s perfect because he fulfills what we both need and want.  Someone else with different needs and wants may find him inadequate.  I like to tell my readers that the perfect Dom is the one that is perfect for you.  Fortunately, Mike is perfect for both of us.

Kayla:  Oh he sure is, and that makes it all the more fulfilling to serve him.  He deserves it.  He deserves you, and he deserves me, every ounce and fiber of me.  While I may have freely given myself to him, he has shown me that he deserves all of me.  It’s a wonderful feeling.

Jen:  Yes, it is.   When you first joined our family, I made several posts about adjustments I had to make, emotionally, dealing with feelings related to jealously.  Have you ever been jealous of me?

Kayla:  I don’t think so.  I love Mike.  But I don’t feel I need him all to myself.  Maybe I was fortunate that early on I was too insecure to consider jealousy.   That seems counter-intuitive as jealousy is rooted in insecurity.  But I felt so deeply insecure that I felt like I didn’t even deserve the feeling of jealousy.   Does that make sense? (yes!) 

He was your husband and I so much wanted to be a part of the two of you, that I didn’t give my mind the chance to think anything negative.  I never once felt in competition with you.  I didn’t feel I was even entitled to feel like I was competing.

By the time I knew my position in the family was cemented, there simply wasn’t a need for any negative feelings.  If such feelings were bubbling around somewhere in my mind, I was in a place where they didn’t matter and I could reconcile them.

And what is there to be jealous of?  What would I be competing for?   Not legally being his wife?   When I think that through I feel terrible, not jealous.  If I were his wife, you would not be.  I would never take that from you, or from him, or the kids.  Their parents are married and in love.   I could never want something that would require others to experience so much pain and anguish.  Besides, I have everything I need from him and from you.  I don’t feel anything is lacking.  Like you, I love anything that brings joy to Mike, and there isn’t anyone that brings him more joy than you.   

 Jen:  Thank you, and know that you bring him a lot of joy as well.  He loves you, and I love you, and we both love that the other loves you.  Lots of love to go around.  As I stated before, Love is not Pie.  It is not to be divided and rationed.  It is infinite and to be shared.

You do a lot for Mike.  Things I don’t even do.  You clean his car every day, you run to put towels in the dryer when he showers so you can bring him warm towels when he is done.  The two of you have a lot of rituals as well and he communicates a lot to you in simple gestures, like your own form of sign language.  Mike is also a lot more strict with you.  You probably get 2-3 times the spankings I do.  And your discipline mixes in a lot of sex.  Do you ever look at my dynamic with Mike and wish your submission was less deep?

Kayla:  The question is, do you ever look at mine and wish yours was deeper?

Jen:  No, that’s not the question.  (I said in a mock stern voice). But I think I understand that as an answer.  In other words, your submission is where you and Mike want it to be and that’s that.  I totally get that.  And for the record, I love watching the two of you interact.  It always brings me joy to witness your submission to him.

Changing gears. You are changing your last name to match ours.  This is an amazing commitment on your part and we are overwhelmed by your decision.  It never dawned on us to even consider such a thing.  It’s so special.  I don’t have the right words to express just how special a gift that is to us.  No question for you.  I just needed to state that for my readers.   On second thought, I do have a question.  What gave you that idea and why did you ask both of us for permission and not just Mike?

Kayla:  Thank you.  And it isn’t my gift to you, but your gift to me.  I was very nervous when I asked you all.  I thought one or both of you might get upset and think I was taking things too far.  But I kept telling myself that you all have been so supportive and transparent with our relationship – the ceremony, the tattoos.   As for how it came to me, it was very sudden, like this lightning bolt.   I friend of mine is friends with a gay male couple who were married.  She was telling me that when her friends married, they created a new last name that was a mixture of their two names.  (here’s a name-mixing tool I found that can help you with ideas) 

In an instant it hit me.  I need to change my name.  And it was more than just needing it, I had to do it.  I felt bad that I hadn’t thought of it before.  Like I was lacking in trust in our relationship and every day I kept my last name was another day of not demonstrating my full trust.   I think that’s why I got nervous.  I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if you said no.  I thought you all would be happy, but no one can be 100% sure about that.  And I was mostly worried about your reaction, Jen.  

You’ve always been so supportive and inclusive of me – as part of your family when I was a child, and as part of your marriage as an adult.  But I still worried you might think I was going too far, that changing my name was a way to put myself closer to your level.  It was a name you had taken, and that maybe you would think I was trying to minimize you taking his name.  I felt it was important that I ask both of you and not just Mike.   As much as I know Mike is the ultimate decider of all things in our family,  I wanted your immediate reaction.  I would feel guilty if I thought you were just going along with it because Mike agreed.  I didn’t want you to just go along with it.  I wanted you to honor it, to invite it, to welcome it.  And you did. 

Jen:  Yes, we both did.  Thank you for considering my feelings like that.  It is a very big decision, but one I did not hesitate to support.  The moment you asked I was like, “Oh my god, I love it. Why didn’t we think of this?  It’s perfect.”  You were there.  I got reprimanded by Mike for not letting him speak first.   Again, it’s a wonderful gift to give us and demonstrates your commitment to the three of us as a unified triad.   So where do you see yourself in five or ten years?  What about kids?

Kayla:  I see myself a part of this family.  We are three!  In my mind, it is “until death do us part.”  I know I am still young and that the road in life has a way of throwing unexpected curves or present divergent paths.  If that happens, we deal with them at that time.  But I am probably not much different than anyone who gets married.  They don’t think about it as, “Well, what will I do when this is over?”    The thoughts are, “What will WE be like in the future?”  

I think we will be a lot like we are today.  Our dynamic may evolve, but the three of us will remain three.   And kids?  Sure, I see them at some point.  There’s always artificial insemination or good old fashion natural insemination. (laughing).   So when the time comes there will be decisions we all will have to make and I do consider it a three-way decision since it impacts all of us.

Jen:  For the readers, I think I’ve written before, Mike has been snipped, as coincidentally has John, TJ, and Matt.  The only man in our COT who isn’t sterile is Jaime (condoms and/or birth control!).  And we’ve told Kayla that we are supportive of her having a child at some point.  We don’t feel now is a good time, nor does she, but we see it happening at some point.

So Kayla, speaking of semen… you did sort of mention semen…. let’s end this with questions about sex.   What do you think about your sex life?

AND WITH THAT

I think I will end this post and will most definitely wrap up this Q&A with Kayla on the next post.   I hope you all enjoy hearing from her and understanding more about her.  I am so proud of her and so happy to be a part of her life and her a part of mine.   Maybe I got too excited and am oversharing.  But I tend to be an over-sharer. It’s my brand for this blog and you wouldn’t want me to get off-brand would you?   So you’ll just have to accept it and skim through it or skip it if it is just too much blah-blah-blah for you.

Next Post: 345. Kayla Part IV – Stories of first times

343. Kayla Interview Part II – Kayla Ours, the new addition

343

Let’s dive right back in where I left off on the prior post.

Good thing many of you are isolated with nothing to do but read stuff like this because this is a long one.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy sharing more about my dear Kayla!

Jen:  Kayla, let’s fast forward 2016 when you became a part of us.   What were your thoughts about us before the events that led us to where we are today?

– – Kayla reminded me of a post she did on this blog.  I had forgotten.  Instead of repeating things, it turns out the answer to this question is covered in that post.  Check it out herePost 182.  Hello, my name is Kala. —

Jen:  Things moved pretty fast with us.  According to things I blogged about, it was October 2016 when I first told you about the “new” lifestyle we adopted.   About a month later, we were making plans for you to move in, which you did right after Christmas.
You went from the babysitter to a submissive in a triad with a married couple in a months time.

Kayla:  A month? That would be ridiculous, like, I was some kind of desperate and needy whore.  It was clearly six weeks!   Yeah, kinda fast.  A lot of thinking can get done in six weeks.  It really isn’t that fast.  And hey, I thought of myself as being more than just the babysitter.

Jen:  I didn’t say “just” the babysitter.  But sorry, you are right, you were much more than that.  It makes for a better narrative for my kinky readers.  But still, that was fast, wasn’t it?

Kayla:  I get it.  I know both of you thought fondly of me and I was always welcomed as part of the family, not just the babysitter.   I believe everything was just perfect timing for where I was in life, what I was needing and hoping for, and what you all were able to provide me.  I so much wanted to be a part of the two of you, beyond just a young family friend.  I had zero reservations.  Did you?

Jen:  Hey, I am the interviewer here.  I think I blogged plenty about some of the things I went through at that time.  (There’s probably about ten different posts about this beginning from Post 79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealousy, Guilt to about Post 101 Compersion with a side of Submission and Spanking.  Probably more after that as well).

– You can read those if you want the answer to Kayla’s question. Let’s move on. –

Jen:  Speaking of a good narrative for my kinky readers, you told us before your first orgasm was to thoughts of Mike.  Please elaborate.

Kayla:   Yes, pretty sure my first real masturbation and orgasm were to thoughts of Mike.  It wasn’t thoughts of sex with him, at least not at first.   Him just hugging me, which he did in real life, as well as thoughts of him just caressing my arm, which he did NOT do in real life.  Yes, the thoughts of a sexy man caressing my arm was enough to make young Kayla all warm and tingly inside. (laughing)

Jen:  In other words, no different than what it takes to make you that way today?  (more laughing).

Kayla:  I go way beyond warm and tingly today, but yeppers, it doesn’t take much, even today.   But those pubescent fantasies in my head eventually evolved beyond him caressing my arm.  At some point I imagined him disciplining me – as in spanking me.  Not at all in a kink way but like a real disciplining from someone who might spank their kids.  After running those thoughts through my head, well, I’d get all the tingles down there.  At first,my mind would shift to just focusing on the tingles and not thinking about Mike or about being spanked.  But that eventually changed.

Jen:  Why do you think that fantasy appealed to you?

Kayla:  I don’t know.  It’s hard to explain why something makes you feel a certain way, especially at that age when you can’t even comprehend what may be behind certain feelings.  But if I were to guess, I think I wanted his attention and for him to care enough about me to want to help me.  A fantasy of him being stern with me and spanking me was how those feelings were manifested. 

Jen:  At that time, did you ever think about what those fantasies might mean?

Kayla: Don’t forget, I was like 11 or 12 when those thoughts started creeping into my fantasies.   And a twelve-year-old isn’t going to self analyze.  Heck, most adults don’t even do that.  People aren’t like you, Jen, striving to get to the bottom of every feeling.   Most people are too afraid of what they’ll find.   But at that age, it wasn’t about fear or anything.  You just sort of feel how you feel and are confused by it.  At that age I lacked the ability to try and reconcile that confusion.  It’s called puberty!

I really didn’t understand sex or have a desire for it.  I would vacillate between being scared by those fantasies and being turned on by them.  I didn’t have thoughts of penis-in-vagina sex or penis-in-anything sex.  I recall that following my spanking fantasies, my earliest thoughts regarding anything remotely related to actual penetration sex was having fantasies of him knowing I touched myself.  I can’t remember the actual details of the fantasy, but it was basically like in my mind I would tell him that I do it and he would spank me for it.  Kind of messed up.  Part pleasure, part guilt, part older man fantasy.  And I didn’t even know the term at the time, but in hindsight, part submission fantasy. 

I also remember thinking how mortified and embarrassed I would be if I actually told him I touched myself.  But I also distinctly remember being turned on by the thoughts of being so mortified and embarrassed.  In your words, I guess I was pre-wired to be turned on by making myself vulnerable.  But I never fantasized about actual PIV or even oral sex with him.

Jen:  I think having mixed feelings of guilt and pleasure regarding sex is normal at that age.  It can be so confusing.   Even for adults who attach a lot of guilt to sex.  Did you feel guilty about those fantasies?

Kayla:   No.  I never associated those feelings with guilt or of them being naughty.  Maybe it goes back to my mom’s reaction when she walked in on me after a bath as I was rubbing myself rather aggressively with a towel.  She set the tone that it wasn’t a big deal, but something that was personal and private.  I do remember feeling a bit scared about my fantasies, like, “What does this mean?”  “Am I normal?”  “Is this weird?”   But I think every kid goes through that when it comes to everything, let alone something dealing with sexual desires. 

Jen:  As you said, a lot of adults still deal with those questions, especially when it comes to kink.   Do you remember your first orgasm?  You’ve said it was about those thoughts with Mike.

Kayla: I like to think my first was over thoughts of him, but honestly I am not 100% sure.  I think I had some mini-orgasms before I had the first big “O” regarding my fantasies about Mike.  I  just didn’t recognize them as orgasms until I had a really intense one.   Are we supposed to be talking about this?  I was like 11.  Mike had to be what, in his late 30’s?

Jen:  It’s your fantasies we are talking about, so spill the beans here.  What was going on regarding those mini-orgasms.”  Set the scene!  My readers like filth.  And the details of this will be news to me and well, I like filth too!

Kayla:  Okay.  My first sexual experiences may not qualify as sexual experiences.  I mean, can you have a sexual experience without knowing what sex is?  Is sex defined by the area of your body that is being aroused or is it defined by intent?   Don’t you have some committee that determines these things?

Jen:  Hum… I’d have to check with the kink authorities on that.  But continue.

Kayla:  Ew.  I don’t like to think of it as sex and I definitely don’t like to think of it as kink.  My earliest memories of anything we would call remotely sexual was when I was like eight-years-old for god’s sake!

Jen:  Okay, okay.  I’ll rephrase.  What was your first experience where today, you recognize it as something that felt good in a way that today you would equate to a sexual feeling?   Better?

Kayla:   Uh, that’s not much better, because there is nothing at eight years old that felt like what sex feels like today.  But I will quit arguing the point and answer your question.  I vividly remember it because it is actually one of the few mother/daughter memories I have where her actions may have had a positive influence on me.   It was the incident with the towel that I mentioned a few questions ago.

I remember drying myself off with a towel and liking the feeling when I dried between my legs.  I probably was even younger than eight but it was never more than just a passing thought of, “Oh, that felt pretty good” and I’d move on to dry the rest of my body.   But at some point, maybe when I was eight, definitely no more than nine, instead of just a quick wipe with the towel and fleeting thought of, “that was nice,” I decided, “Hum, I should give that another wipe.”   A few baths later and it became many wipes and eventually full on rubs.   Over time I spent more and more time drying between my legs than I did the time before.  Eventually, I would put the towel between my legs with one hand in front of me and one behind and sort of ride the towel like a horse.  A horse that moved rapidly back and forth under me, haha.  It became a bath-time ritual.

I didn’t equate what I was doing to anything sexual.  It just felt good, really good.  It’s like, you know how the warm sun can feel good on your face when you walk outside?  That’s not a sexual feeling, it’s just a good feeling.   It was like that, except it wasn’t my face that got warm.  Ew, did I just say that?   Anyway, I had no clue what sex was and didn’t equate it to anything other than just a good feeling.   And when I did it, I would just reach some point where I was like, “Okay, I’ll stop now.” Time to finish drying or getting ready for bed or whatever.  Never another thought about it.   

Then one day my mom walked in on me, humping away at this towel that was buzzing back and forth between my legs. 

Jen:  How did I never hear this story before?

Kayla:   It’s to your credit that you never asked me about my sexual experiences in second grade!  What kind of perv would that make you!    (laughing)   But for real, I thought I told you about this.  I guess not.

Jen: So how did your mom react and how did you react?

Kayla:  I was cool.  I was like, “Oh, hi mom.”  I didn’t even know enough to think what I was doing was a big deal.  I don’t think I even stopped.  Maybe I slowed down a bit.   And the fact I don’t clearly remember much about her reaction sums up her reaction.  She didn’t have much of one.  She just calmly said, “If you’re going to play between your legs its best done in private, so lock the door when you do that.”

And two things stuck with me.  For a long time, I thought “play between your legs” was an actual phrase meaning to rub or touch yourself down there.  And in my mind, it was just play.  I didn’t know it could be sexual, because I didn’t even know that term.  More importantly, my mom’s reaction was such that it did not equate what I was doing with something should evoke shame or embarrassment.

But I guess as a kid you still sort of pick up on certain things.  While I felt it was normal enough to keep doing it and not feel guilty about it, I not only now knew from my mom that it was supposed to be a private thing that I did behind locked doors, but somehow I also knew it wasn’t something you talked about.  Fortunately, I didn’t go around to my friends and ask them if they also played between their legs.  I was already a bit of the weird kid anyway.  That would have been disastrous.

Jen:  So did you do it more often after that?

Kayla:  Eew, no.  I am telling you, it wasn’t a sex thing!  It was just a way to feel extra good after a bath.

Jen:  But you certainly didn’t stop doing it?

Kayla:  Hell no. 

Jen:  So let’s switch gears.  You said you were a weird kid.  In what way?

Kayla:  There’s the 10-year old Kayla answer and the current Kayla answer.  Which perspective do you want?

Jen:  Too much to ask for both?  Let’s start with kid-Kayla.

Kayla:  Kid Kayla thought everyone else was weird.  Well, I mean, I knew I was the oddball, but I felt I was odd because my supposed cohorts were weird.  I didn’t like kids my age.  I think it goes back to me wanting to be as small as possible so as not to upset my parents.  Be that perfect kid, be mature, be thoughtful.   Not that 14-year-olds are any of those things, but at age 10 I modeled myself after what I thought a 14-year-old should be.  I befriended older kids and they seemed to accept me.  Probably because in my mind they were the “better” kids in terms of the “right way” to be.  I admired them, looked up to them, emulated them.   That made it easy for me to be their friend because they liked how I treated them.  

As I got older, my friends always stayed older.  As a freshman in high school, my friends were seniors.  And the following year when many of them went off to college, their new college friends became my friends and so when I was 16 I had friends who were 20 to 23.

Jen:  Okay, what does the current Kayla think about why Kid Kayla was like that?

Kayla:  Honestly, it wasn’t until the last year or so I’ve figured that out, thanks in large part to you.  It was a self-esteem thing.  I was never truthful with my feelings as a kid.  The truth was too frightening.  A mom who cared more about drinking than about me.  More about making our lives miserable than about me.  A dad who may have tried his best, but couldn’t compensate for all that was missing for me.  I was fortunate that the way I reconciled this turned out to be somewhat productive.  Instead of acting out and being a wild child, I worked harder to be what I thought was the best child. 

At that moment I felt like I had high self-esteem.  I just “knew” I was a good kid, even though it wasn’t enough to bring about change in my mom.  But I know now that our self-esteem depends on how truthful we are with ourselves.  Because I was avoiding my true feelings and pretending that what I was doing was actually making a difference.  Not just pretending my actions helped my parents, but pretending my actions were helping me.  I was pretending I wasn’t being emotionally neglected.  And all the things I was doing to cope with that was not really addressing that.  When we aren’t truthful with ourselves, our self-esteem goes down.

I now know that is what led me to turn to alcohol as well.  You could say it was genetics, and maybe that played a part, but for me, I think it was the environment.  I didn’t feel good about myself because I didn’t know myself, I never faced my emotions.  As I felt those emotions coming to the surface I had to work harder to drive them down, and drinking helped do that for me.   Fortunately, I had you all to stop that from ever reaching a critical point.   

And that is why, as a child, I loved being around you guys.  I felt loved, I felt respected, I felt valued.  Not just from the two of you but from all three of the kids.  It was such a warm and nurturing environment.

Jen:  Thank you for saying that.  At the time, we knew things weren’t good for you on the home front.  We didn’t know all the details, but knew we were your respite.  And it wasn’t like you were just a charity case.  We truly loved having you around.  You were so good with J and T1 and T2 enjoyed your company.

Let’s fast forward to the day I shared with you that me and Mike adopted Domestic Discipline.   It really seemed to connect and resonate with you.  Things happened so fast from that day forward.  Why was that?

Kayla:  Well, first, maybe it helps to understand I already knew I was bisexual.  I had been with other girls, and at the time was living with a friend of mine and her husband and we would have threesomes.   While I was basically a “friend with benefits” to them, I found I liked the idea of being part of three.  I don’t know why.  Two friends are just better than one, right?  And then, of course, there’s the sex.   But it was more than that.  I just really liked being part of three.  However, I was not really that close to them.  I was definitely not in love with them.   Deeply in-like?  Is that a thing?

Jen:  It is now

Kayla:  So I was already predisposed to love the idea of being in a thruple.  Then you add in the fact that by far the two of you are my favorite couple.  Like, “favorite” didn’t even come close to describing it.  I idolized your relationship.  So the thought of being any part of it as an adult, not just a babysitter or kid?  Count me in!

And I was feeling a lack of control at the time.  I wanted to still be the perfect daughter but was drinking more and more myself, and I would feel guilty about that.  It was this loop of working hard to be perfect to cover up my feelings of being neglected, drinking to cope with my true feelings, feeling guilty about drinking, thus, once sober, working even harder to cover up my feelings.  And the loops got bigger and bigger.  I wanted off that roller coaster.  

And I was just getting ready to finish up my undergrad and was facing a decision to get a job, go to grad school, or move back home.  I didn’t feel prepared to make that decision, mainly because of my drinking.  I was feeling very anxious about that.  Everything about the two of you just felt right.  It felt safe, it felt sane.  I was attracted to the two of you, you to me, and it all just felt so right.  I really was in awe and so excited.

Jen:  Beyond the more meaningful relationship with us, what were your thoughts about DD?

Kayla:  It also resonated with me.   Perhaps because of my earlier fantasies, but also because I had always been so self-disciplined for all the wrong reasons, I loved the idea of striving to be self-disciplined as a way to serve someone else.  It’s like I had this power of self-discipline and could finally use it for good, and in return, focus that discipline on what is truly good for me.  I just knew the two of you had my best interests at heart. 

Jen:  Thank you.  We did, and we still do.

There’s so much more we could cover.  And I received a few emails with questions specifically for Kayla.  Some were practical things like how finances work, others about where she sees herself in 5 years, 10 years and beyond.   And then a few sex-related questions.   So — we will just have to do a Part III!

WONDERFUL NEWS
And the answer to some of those questions are revealed in some wonderful news that Kayla shared with us.  Should I wait for Part III to share it here?

Yes, I should. 

 

But, I won’t.

There will soon be a new addition to our family!

How long should I let that sentence linger?

A little longer?

Longer still?

Okay, long enough.

No, it’s not what you think.  Hum.  I really should save this for another post.

 

Okay, okay.  I will say it here.

The new addition isn’t really new, just new in name.

Kayla asked us, and we agreed, if she could legally change her last name to ours. 

Her name will soon officially be, Kayla Ours!   

Just kidding.  You know what I mean.  Her last name will be our last name.   It was something she thought of and very much wanted.  I will elaborate more on that in the next post.

What, you thought maybe the news was something different?

Next: 344. Kayla Interview Part III

342. Kayla Interview – Part I

342
Although I haven’t been posting much, I feel a renewed energy to do so.   It’s just that, well, things have been a little strange lately.  Do you sort of feel it too?  Can’t quite put my finger on what it is.   Just a different vibe in the world.   It’s probably just me.  

Mike and Kayla are both working from home.  Nothing new for Mike as he often worked from home.  His business pretty much runs as a virtual office.  Also, we’ve been fortunate that his business hasn’t slowed (yet).  For Kayla, the whole work from home is new for her company, but as I think many people are learning, there was no reason not to have previously allowed it.  She can do almost her entire job virtually.

Anyway, it’s different having them both home, although we don’t always stay at our house.  We are isolating within the family, limiting it to just the three of us and T1’s farm.  That means E, J, and by extension, interaction with E’s cousin’s next door to them.  That’s a group of 11 individuals.  A bit large but no different than a large family would have, and we all have become that – one large family.   In addition to the three of us spending more time at the farm, I’ve been going out to there a lot more just by myself, leaving Mike and Kayla at home for days on end.

I want to get you all caught up on my menagerie of relationships.   At some point, I want to share our Immersion 2020 experience.   And I wanted to at least acknowledge a very big anniversary for me — March 17 marked 5 years since we formally adopted a Domestic Discipline lifestyle. That is certainly worthy of a classic Jenny esoteric ramble!  But that will have to wait for another post.

Until then – I’ll catch you up with the latest from Kayla including some VERY BIG NEWS.  Suffice to say, we’ve come a long way since Meet the Baby Sitter.

KAYLA UPDATE
Kayla is now 25.  In October we celebrated a
one-year commitment anniversary with her after she moved in with us at the end of 2016.  It’s been an amazing three years  (and three months) and the three of us are closer than I could have ever imagined.  It feels like she’s always been a part of us.  Incorporating her into our marriage and lives happened quickly and, by and large, very smoothly.

I shared that she started a full-time job last fall after completing her Master’s degree.  It was an adjustment as it was her first real job.  40 hour work weeks (sometimes more) can be quite the adjustment for anyone.  And for Kayla, who gets so much satisfaction from serving Mike, it meant adjusting to significant time away from that service.   She had to get creative to find ways to serve him while at work.

Some things that helped her with that transition include

  • Love letters:   Sometimes from me, sometimes from Mike, sometimes from both of us.  Just a little letter that we put in an envelope that she opens on her lunch break.  It gives her something to look forward to and feel connected and thought of. . . and sometimes they are more lust-letters than love letters!   She sometimes leave us letters of her own.  Sure we could text, but letters are better!
  • Sexy Selfies:   Simple and effective, both to her and from her!  She loves to send pics of herself flashing a boob or her butt. Normally from the bathroom, but sometimes a conference room.  Hopefully they don’t have cameras!   We don’t want her to get fired.
  • Masturbation on command.  Mike may text her at any time and require she masturbate via Face Time.  She’s had to learn to quietly orgasm in the bathroom stall!  Mike does allow her to stay no if she has a meeting or working against a deadline.  Career over kink!

Jen:   Kayla, how do you explain your relationship status to people at work?

Kayla:  I’m married.  That’s where I start and usually, that’s where it ends.   Some end up asking, “What does your husband do?”  And the more “with it” coworkers keep it gender neutral and say, “What do THEY do?”  I will say, what he does, but then  I might add, “and my wife does x.”   That usually takes the conversation from casual small talk to one of significant intrigue on their part. 

I am open and honest.  I look to answer any question accurately, but only with enough information to satisfy the question.  It’s our policy!

(She’s referring to the policy we follow regarding “Tell if asked.”  The caveat is to only “tell” as much as needed to appropriately answer their question, which sometimes is a fine line such as her throwing in….”and my wife does x.”)

Jen:  I imagine it didn’t take long for the whole office to know.

Kayla:  Nope!  And I have a few pictures of us on my desk, so there’s that too.  Of course, I get a few, “Is that your parents?” comments, to which I answer, “No, it’s my partners.”

Jen: So do you describe us as your husband and wife or as partners?

Kayla:  It depends.  While legally I am not your wife, I believe the term husband or wife best describes the relationship, but sometimes “partners” is less shocking to the other person and they don’t seem to ask me as many questions.   If I am asked, “are you married” it is easier to just say “Yes” as that often ends the questioning.  If I said, “No, not legally, but…” well, then I just invite too many questions.  I am not opposed to answering questions, but sometimes the situation doesn’t warrant inviting the questions.  Typically the setting is just office small talk and thus not conducive to a longer conversation.  If it’s over lunch or something like that, I might respond in ways that invite more questions.

Jen:   Mike would be happy as that is our rule.  So, do you read my blog?

Kayla:  I have, here and there, but, I live those things with you and the things you blog you often talk about, so it’s like stuff I already know.  I sometimes like to just read the comments or the stuff that is about me.  Is that bad?

Jen:  Hum… if I say yes should you be spanked?  (laughing).   Of course not.  I haven’t provided a lot of background about you as I’ve always felt it is not my story to tell.  Well, now you can tell it.   I think… make that, I KNOW readers like the sizzle so give me a summary of what you see as your sexual evolution.

Kayla:  Sexual evolution?  That sounds so comprehensive.  How about I start first with some non-sexual stuff about my childhood?

Jen:  Sure, take it away.

Kayla:  My mom was emotionally absent and an alcoholic.  She was a closet alcoholic most of my early years but I always knew something was off.  As I got older she would be drunk more often.  She wasn’t an abusive drunk – more a nonsensical one and a depressed “woe-is-me, look what I’ve done with my life” one.   It always made me feel helpless since there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  I guess the one thing I was able to do was to try and be the perfect daughter.   I got excellent grades, stayed out of trouble, stayed pretty quiet and didn’t ask for much, which is good, because she had nothing to give emotionally.

Dad, on the other hand, was “normal,” whatever normal is.  He worked a lot which meant he wasn’t around, and I always longed for him to come home.  I felt excited when he would come through the door.  Like, “Yea! It’s time for normal!”   And he always tried to spend time with me.  If mom was particularly checked out, he would take me out for dinner.  Saturdays were “father-daughter” days.   We would always go do something that took all day.  Movies, zoo, museum, shopping, theme park, whatever.  He also tended to spoil me, giving me the material things I wanted.  Once I moved out he helped financially and every time I would see him he would give me whatever he had in his wallet.  I think he felt guilty.  A little about the fact he couldn’t do even more with me because of work, but mostly because he knew my mom couldn’t and didn’t contribute much to my well being.

Jen:  They eventually divorced.  How did that impact you?

Kayla:  Eee, yeah.  It did impact me, that’s for sure.  I was 15 and 16.   It was a mixed bag of emotions.  I think the uncertainty was the hardest part, but the actual news was a relief.  I saw it through my dad’s eyes as something he deserved to get out of.  But still, there was some anger as well, directed mostly at my mom since she was the root cause of it.  But even some anger at my dad, like, why couldn’t he have fixed her or even thinking why didn’t he just leave sooner.  Of course I know now that it wasn’t right to think that way, but that’s how I felt and thought at the time.  I also remember thinking maybe it would change my mom for the better.  That was wishful thinking.  She just doubled down on her drinking and depression.

Jen:  How did that make you feel?

Kayla:  I don’t remember ever feeling sorry for her. I reserved that feeling for my dad.  But in hindsight, I understand her choices better now.  They were still the wrong choices and she was weak for having behaved as she did.  But I now see her through the lens of her being a person, not a mom, if that makes sense.  I mean, as a kid, your parents are people you think have some special powers given to parents.  Like,  they are supposed to be endowed with special insights and knowledge about parenting.  As a kid you don’t realize they are just people, with their shortcomings as well as their own strengths.  The thought that they actually lack anything that qualifies them for parenting other than they were able to make a baby is too scary for a child to ever consider. 

Jen: So that’s now.  But what about then.  How did you deal with the various emotions you went through?

Kayla:  While most kids probably end up acting out like, I did what I normally did as a kid.  I doubled down on my goody-two-shoes persona.  I remember thinking, “If I can just make myself as small as possible, my problems will be smaller.”    I studied even harder, did more things around the house for both my mom and my dad, I didn’t complain, didn’t speak unless spoken to..  Let them complain to me.   That’s really where you and Mike come in.

Jen: How so?

Kayla:  I had been babysitting for you all for three or four years at that point, and you all always let me hang around.  I never had to be small around your family.   You, Mike, T1, T2, and J…everyone was so fun to be around.  It was my personal getaway and my chance to be big, not small.   Ha.  The irony just dawned on me.   Now I like to play “little,” yet you and Mike were the ones that gave me the confidence to be “big,” to be heard, to want to engage people around me.  Of course, it’s a different type of little and big, but still, that’s funny to me.

Jen:  Kink humor!   Before we get into our kinds and our relationship, how’s your relationship with your parents now?

Kayla:  Mom is about six years sober now, recently got a boyfriend, and I feel like I am getting to know her for the first time.  It’s strange and awkward at times, but she’s apologized and seems to be a good place emotionally and mentally.   I try to at least call her once a month and stop by maybe once a month or every other month.  We text more frequently lately.    

Dad is dad.  He checks in with me if I haven’t checked in with him recently.  You know I make it a point to see him, probably a week doesn’t go by where I don’t see him.  We have him over here now and then which I really like.

Jen:  That’s a good segue into our relationship.  How did your parents handle that?

Kayla:  As much as you say kids don’t want to know about their parent’s kink, it’s also true that parents don’t want to know about their kid’s kink.  They basically both knew I was bisexual.  I mean, I had never announced it in some declaration.  But I never hid it either.  And before moving in with you I was living with a friend and her husband in sort of a poly-light type relationship.   As you know, in that relationship I was more of a third wheel that was a friend with benefits. It wasn’t really a deep and meaningful relationship.

But no surprise, they were a bit shocked and concerned when I told them I was doing more than just living at your house.  They had initially just thought of it as the two of you just helping me out.  I let them think that for a while.  It was just easier, and I didn’t know where things would really go in our relationship.   But I eventually told them, very straightforward.  “I am in a relationship with Mike and Jen.”   

Because they knew you and already had positive thoughts about you, they didn’t seem to focus on thoughts of perhaps you all were taking advantage of me.   There was a little bit of that, but not much.  It was mostly, “Are you sure?”  “Why would you want that?”  “What’s in it for you?”   “Be careful.”   They both were more focused on me and my decision, which I expected.   My parents were never much about getting mad at others or blaming others.

The one behavior they both modeled for me was personal responsibility.  This may sound odd from an alcoholic mom, but even in her drunken stupors or non-drunk depressive moods, she never railed against the world.   She always blamed herself for her situation.  I guess in some weird ways that had a positive impact on me.   And dad, of course, was always big on personal responsibility.   If I could show him I gave a decision its’ proper consideration, he always supported me.

Jen:   It’s time to throw a bone to my readers, or a boner to the male readers, and use this to segue to more kinky stuff.

UNFORTUNATELY, this post is already pretty epic.  Some I am going to end it here and do a Part II with Kayla, including some pretty amazing and meaningful news that she announced.

NEXT 343:  Kayla Part II.  Kayla Ours – A New Addition

 

318. Master Kayla. She no longer submits?

318

A family update

KAYLA IS A MASTER 
Kayla is a cunning linguist, a master of many tounges, and a master debater.  Yes, she has mastered many things.  And now it’s official!

We attended Kayla’s Commencement Ceremony regarding her M.B.A.  She is done with her formal education and is preparing to enter her adult working life.  But not quite yet!

When she first moved in with us over two years ago we felt that she might be with us up until she graduated.  We initially looked at our relationship with her as being a chapter in her life that she would want to end and graduating seemed like a good ending point.

Of course, we all ended up madly in love.  She totally meshed with our entire household vibe as well as my marriage beyond what we could have envisioned.  About a year ago we talked about our future together.  She made it clear to us that her desire was to stay a part of us with no arbitrary end date such as graduation, a birthday, or whatever.   She feels like a permanent part of us.  And we agreed 100%.   We really are three.   That led to our ceremony complete with a ring for Kayla.   We are in a long term committed relationship.   Period.

However, our situation requires meaningful, honest, and realistic discussions about what we want, both in the near term and in the long term.  We don’t speak of our relationship as “forever” as that seems unrealistic and unnecessary.  Mike is going to be 51 soon, and I’ll be 50.  And it’s not that age by itself matters, it is that life experiences matter and Kayla (24 in case you forgot) deserves experiences outside of what we can offer her.

Kayla admits at some point she may want to explore those experiences, but at the moment she can’t imagine that time.  She agrees it is probably “out there somewhere” but at the moment it is nowhere in sight.  She hates talking about the possibility of it and that’s the end of the conversation.

KAYLA THE MASTER STILL SUBMITS
Oh, and as for the tease in my title.   Kayla is as submissive today as ever.  She is Mike’s submissive in ways that go further than my submission.  It’s hard to quantify, but I would score our potpourri dynamic like this:

  • Me and Mike:      44% DD, 40% D/s, 10% M/s, and 6% BDSM,
  • Kayla and Mike: 10% DD, 35% D/s, 35% M/s, and 20% BDSM.

Honestly, I probably should score my DD a bit lower, but I find comfort in scoring it the way I did.  I think I like to believe it is still mostly rooted in Domestic Discipline, even though there is definitely a bigger Dominant/submissive and Master/slave element than ever before.  Hey, I can self-identify however I want, so leave me alone!  Hee-hee.

My point is Kayla is the more submissive one.  I struggle with the right term. The more “subjugated” one?  No, that doesn’t fit.  That has a connotation of “conquest” which clearly doesn’t apply.  Mike did not conquer either one of us   I believe we each forged a dynamic with Mike that has liberated us.  Liberated from the thoughts and behaviors that truly enslaved us and truly subjugated us.  Kind of reminds me of one of my fav posts, Post 30.  I found my Thrill.

Consider that paragraph a mini-rant!  Ha!  I haven’t ranted about submission in quite some time.  There was the October political rant, but it’s probably been more than a year since I last ranted about my journey.  Maybe next post?  I know some of you are like, “Jen, how about making it yet another year before your next rant?  Well, too bad.  It’s my blog and I’ll rant if I want to.

GRADUATION GIFT
I think somewhere in here I shared that when Kayla first moved in with us she was paying us rent.  While she worked an on-again/off-again part-time job, her dad sent her a check each month to help her out so she could focus on school without having to work much.  He committed to doing that until she finished her MBA program.  Also, both her parents committed to helping her pay for school.  Thankfully they didn’t end those commitments when she moved in with us.

We combining our finances at her request, I think about a year ago.  It was part of fully committing to us being three.   I posted about how we handle our finances in Post 181.  Domestic Financial Discipline.  That was prior to combining Kayla’s finances.  It basically still works the same way in that any money she received went into the “Bills” account and Mike determined how much would go into our “Day-to-Day” that she and I shared.  (It’s called Day-to-day, but it’s not a daily allowance.  You’ll have to read Post 181 for how it works).

Money can often be a point of contention, but it never has with us.  Kayla liked the arrangement as it made her feel more of us being three.  She still had money to spend but was equally accountable in making sure we stayed within our jointly allocated amount.  If exceptions were needed, whether she needed it or I did, we would talk to Mike and he would decide.    

What Kayla didn’t know (but I did), was that any amount she put in was actually not changing what Mike was putting into our Day to Day account.  Instead, he was putting it into a savings account he set up.   We really didn’t need the extra income and when she did have a few exceptional expenses (new car tires), unbeknownst to her, Mike just covered them with our money.  All along Mike planned to use all the money she contributed to our household as a graduation gift to her. 

She has given us money for 29 months.  And Mike threw in a little extra to make it a nice round number.  Let’s just say her graduation gift from us is allowing her to replace her old and dying car with a new one with a little to spare!  And as that gift really didn’t cost us anything, as we looked at it as the money we didn’t need, on top of that we told her we would pay for a trip for her and a friend to go anywhere in the U.S.   Kayla is planning a trip to NY City for her and Chelsea.

KAYLA’S KINK
Kayla’s age play (Post 279) has evolved over the last 8-9 months.  She has “aged-up” if that is the right term.  That is, she’s gone from an almost infant like play to more toddler play.  It’s not something she gets to do very often because of J in the house, and we find her some play time whenever we can.  A few times we have had visits from Nurse Ann to partake in both Mike and Kayla’s nursing desires.  Other than that, it’s been pretty much kink as usual.  She is much more into being restrained (tied up, shackled, etc) and lives for sex with two men at once (sometimes three).   

She has tremendous energy and is totally committed to Mike, always looking to serve his every need.  Wait,  he’s a man, there is no “every” need.  There’s just the “one” need.  As they say, every woman wants one man to fulfill her every need, and every man wants every woman to fulfill his one need.   And in our relationship, we call that an equitable arrangement!   

I am kidding.       Just a little.       Not much really.      

WHAT’S NEXT
Kayla has a job offer and they gave her the option of starting now or waiting until August.  At our encouragement, she opted for the August start date.   So she has two-and-a-half months to be completely free to do whatever, whenever.  Well, not whatever, per Mike’s moratorium, but who knows, Mike may give her a moratorium waiver as another gift.  Sounds funny so I’ll just have to say it, “Hey mom, for my graduation Mike’s letting me suck some stranger’s cock.”    Poor taste?

As for finances, she still plans on pooling her money with us, with two exceptions.  One, she will have a savings account that she is to put a set amount into once she starts working that is her’s long term but no using it without Mike’s permission.   And two, while the rest goes into our collective pot, there will be a nice increase in our Day-to-Day allowance.

And speaking of graduations, J will be graduating high school!  About two more weeks of school left.  I’ll share on my next post what we think his future holds.  Graduating high school comes with a lot of emotion.  It’s equal parts exciting, amazing, scary, anxiety-filled, and pit-in-your-stomach terrifying.  And that’s just how I feel about it!   As for him, he’s like, “No biggie, I got this.”   We shall see.

Next: 319. Empty Nest?

293. Love is not Pie

293

2+1 DOES NOT EQUAL 3?
Kayla’s submission continues to evolve based on her needs and desires, not mine.  That is how it should be.  Her rules and rituals have a greater mix of M/s than do mine.  And out of love and concern, there have been times I have asked questions and provided my own insights and thoughts.        

Mike not only welcomed this but also solicited my advice, as did Kayla.  I was encouraged to speak up and speak often.   After all, we all had a lot to learn.  It’s one thing for me and Mike to experiment and learn within the backdrop of a 25+ year marriage.  It’s another when you are talking about a brand new relationship with someone over 25 years younger than you.   So yeah, any additional insights were valued by everyone.   But people grow and relationships evolve.  

I was slow in fully recognizing the growth and evolution.  It should have been more apparent to me, especially after our Relationship Bonding Ceremony, a ceremony designed to publicly recognize and acknowledge that growth and evolution.  (See my P.S. below re that Ceremony).   And by slow, consider that it was a year ago when I shared a somewhat similar situation.  You think I’d have figured it out sooner.  (Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year).

With what I shared on my prior post, it is finally very clear to me — my feedback is no longer needed, nor appropriate, at least in the manner in which I previously provided it. 

It’s about understanding that our relationship is NOT three separate relationships (Mike/me, Mike/Kayla, Kayla/me).  It is ONE relationship with three people.   In other words, it isn’t that 2 + 1 = 3.  It is that 1 + 1 + 1 = 3.   In math, it’s the same, but in relationships, the difference is night and day.

ON TO THE PUNISHMENT
Okay, so what was the punishment she received that had me concerned?

Mike took a lot of vacation time in December as he needed to use it up or lose it.   A few weeks ago while J was at school, Kayla asked Mike for permission to go to the bathroom, as is customary.  Instead of the typical, “You may go,” Mike, he told her, “Go get a diaper, put it on, and return here.”   This is not something he had ever previously commanded. 

Kayla responded, “But Sir…”

Mike cut her off, told her to bend over, and he spanked her with his hand about ten times in quick succession.

“Do I need to repeat myself?”

“No Sir,” and she did as she was told and returned wearing the diaper.

“Now, go. Right here, right now.  Go,” Mike ordered.

“Sir, I need…”

Mike again cut her off.  “Pull down that diaper and bend over.”  He spanked her again by hand, at least thirty times.    He then reminded her that if she has important information to share, she needs to know how to properly share it.

There are no “buts” when it comes to responding to Mike.  We never respond with a “but.”  For me, I always try to remember to replace “and” with “but.”   Instead of, “No Sir, but…”  It is, “Yes Sir, and. . . ”  Sometimes it’s hard to remember this when he asks something unexpected, and his request clearly caught Kayla (and me) off guard.

This time Kayla said, “Sir, I have something I would like to tell you that you might find important to your demand that I go in my diaper.”

Simply put, she had to poop, not just pee.  Mike’s response was, “That changes nothing. Let me know when you are done.”   She complied.  And even stranger for both Kayla and me was that Mike took care of cleaning her.  Diaper play, at least when it comes to a bowel movement, has almost exclusively been limited to our Immersions,  and even then, Mike didn’t partake in any cleanup.

I was puzzled but didn’t say anything at the time, but as I shared in my prior post, I used our Maintenance to question it.  

LOVE IS NOT PIE
I have always felt that love is not pie.  It is not to be divided and rationed.  It is infinite and to be shared. 

While labels are always tricky, they do help serve as a sort of compass, to at least give us general direction.  And the needle of our relationship is now pointing a bit less toward polyamory, and a bit more towards polygamy.   Obviously not in any legal way – but in a way that more accurately describes our relationship.  

I am happy about the evolution of our relationship.  I am sure it will continue to grow, nurtured by love and respect.  Oh, and submission to Mike!   

P.S.  I just realized!  I never really posted about the party we had in mid-October.  We invited friends and family over for a party that we promoted and celebrated as a recognition of our relationship with Kayla.  It was our way of saying we are not doing anything to try to hide what she means to us.  Our family knows.  Mike’s co-workers know.  Our friends know.  We memorialized it with the tattoos I shared on that post.
It was a lot of fun and felt very rewarding.  While it meant a lot to me and Mike, it meant even more to Kayla.

Next: Post 294. How to have fulfilling “joyless” sex 

292. Kayla’s Triad Thursday Declaration

292

I’ve promised a return to sharing more kink.  Forget family time!  It’s time to appeal to more prurient interests.   Yeah, be honest, that is why you read a blog like this! 

Well, I guess I lied.  You’ll have to wait for one more post.  This one will be the set up for the sizzling and salacious, the depraved and degenerate, the indecent and impure, the. . . well, you get the picture.  It sets the stage for the “fun” stuff, in this case, a punishment.   Yeah, I am flipping the Jenny script and sharing the aftermath of a punishment, then I’ll share the details of the punishment on the next post.    

This isn’t even about a punishment I received, it is Kayla’s.  What?  “In three months of no posting you didn’t receive a single noteworthy spanking?”    Yep.  I mean, not that I wasn’t spanked, but nothing noteworthy.  Anything I share of the last two or three months would be indistinguishable from other posts about punishments.  I can’t motivate myself to write about something that is so derivative of prior posts.  So instead, I will write about Kayla.  What makes it noteworthy is that it marks an evolution in our relationship.   

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES
Like most relationship changes, they come slowly and as part of a change in someone. 
The “initiator” recognizes a need for change before the other person does.  The initiator often stays silent for some time as they first try to understand and reconcile what that change means for themselves.   Even once they do, they sometimes are unsure how to articulate exactly what this change is.  Then there is some trigger, a tipping point, and they verbalize this change.  

In this case, the tipping point involved a punishment Mike gave Kayla.  I’ll share the details in the next post, but basically, it surprised me.  Not in its severity – it was not severe. It was just very different. 

I’ve learned to trust Mike and not question or worry about Kayla in regards to her discipline.  In fact, it was exactly a year ago that I learned that lesson well re Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.  That lesson was about learning to approach my concerns from a point of curiosity and of seeking clarity.   This was especially important when it came to issues dealing with Kayla and my concern that Mike remain on point with providing the discipline she wants and needs.  

TRIAD THURSDAY – KAYLA’S DECLARATION
We’ve started calling our Thursday Maintenance sessions “Triad Thursday” since, about eight months ago, we turned this into a family meeting of sorts with me, Mike, and Kayla all coming together for Maintenance.   As Kayla’s punishment in question happened on a Thursday, I felt it was a great opportunity to find clarity and resolve my concerns. 

Kayla’s reaction to my inquiry surprised me.   She said something like, 

“Jen, this is a great example of something that’s been bothering me but I haven’t been able to put my finger on.  I know you love me and are only looking out for me, but that’s the thing, I don’t need you to be looking out for me that way.   At least, not when it comes to the things Sir says or does to me.  Even though your questions are respectful, it still hurts me to have you question his disciplining of me.   If you want to know how I feel about a punishment I received, you can ask me.  Don’t bring it to a Maintenance.  This is not a Maintenance issue.”

Followed by. . . 

 “I want to be treated more like a wife to both of you than a “lesser third in a TriadI don’t want you as a mother, I want you as a friend, a partner, a confidant, a lover.”

Wow.   Yep. Those were her words.  She said it didn’t come out exactly how she intended, but, that yeah, the essence of it is all in there.  It’s hard to hear someone say that.  Your mind just hears, “I don’t want you.”  Thus, my defenses were triggered, but fortunately, my defensiveness didn’t last long.  I credit my years of training as a counselor and my generous and empathetic heart.  Yep, it had absolutely nothing to do with the stern look and word my initial response got from Mike. 

Brushing aside my bruised ego, what quickly ensued was a meaningful dialogue between the three of us.  I’ll spare the blow-by-blow, but it was positive, constructive, and loving.  The short version is this — Our relationship with Kayla is two years old, and Kayla is now 24.   While she was always mature beyond her years, she has grown a lot in those two years.  And ” a lot” is an understatement.   Her needs have changed.  Not as it relates to her submission, but as it relates to me.   

I had given up on being a disciplinarian to Kayla some time ago.  Part due to my own needs as a submissive and part due to her no longer desiring it.   And when she first moved in with us I was very much a “helicopter girlfriend” as I was very concerned for her well being.   And while I didn’t do this nearly as much, I still hovered over her needs in a motherly sort of way.   She was declaring her independence from my motherly type concerns for her.   Good for her!   And because I have been prone to sarcasm, I’ll state that there was no sarcasm in that statement.  Only pride, joy and love.  

SECOND WIFE?
We have been using the term “second wife” for a while in describing Mike’s relationship with Kayla.  Mostly in jest, but there is a tinge of seriousness to it, as there often is in humor.  But we had never once used that word to describe her relationship with me.   But she was right.  What has been evolving, and what her declaration just formalized, is that indeed, our relationship has crossed over to be more of that of “spousal peers.”   That was the term I came up with and she said, “Yeah, that’s it, that’s what I am trying to articulate.”     

It isn’t that she didn’t appreciate how she was treated before — she loved how we have treated her and credits it with her tremendous growth as a person.  It is simply that her needs have changed, and she is looking to be treated in a way that is consistent with her current needs.     

She is no longer that young woman who wants or needs my protection.  She is simply that young woman who wants and needs my love.  I should not go to Mike when I have a concern about Kayla that I have not yet shared with Kayla.  That is no different than how Kayla has treated me since the beginning.

While “wife” has legal connotations, it also has a lot of emotional ones.  And Kayla expressed she wanted the mantle of that title, not just between her and Mike, but between me and her. . . albeit an informal, non-legally binding title.   And for her it isn’t about any of the legal rights bestowed on that title. She is not interested in any of that.  She is interested in the standing it gives her in our family dynamic regarding how she is treated by me and by Mike.  It was easy to grant her this and both Mike and I committed to treating her this way from now one, whole-heartedly.   

There were no ill feelings from our conversation.  I truly lost my defensive feelings very quickly.  In addition, Mike reminded me how important it was for me to be so involved in her discipline and be overly sensitive to her needs in the early days of the relationship.  Even if I wasn’t administering discipline, I was often providing feedback to Mike, and not just because I would easily give it, but because he would frequently seek it.   While Kayla credits Mike for how wonderful of a Dom he is for her, Mike was quick to remind her that it came with a lot of insights from me.   

With a little reflection, any bruised ego or defensiveness I felt was quickly replaced with positive feelings.  Kayla’s “declaration” is part of the success of her growth that I have played a part in.  Far from feeling defensive, I feel admiration, love, pride, and joy – both to and from Kayla.  

Now, I know most of you pervs are saying, “Finally, you made your point.  Now, just tell us what the hell Kayla did and how she was summarily punished for it!”   Next post!

Post.  Love is not Pie

279. And baby makes three — age play

279

Click bait!  Yeah, this post is about a baby, but not what you are probably thinking.  Then again, knowing some of you, it may be exactly what you are thinking.  lol

I’ve been dealing with some recurring migraines that now appear to be gone, and my son was sick for a few days.  All that added to my blasé desires for posting lately. 

Life continues to chug along in a pretty uneventful manner.  Of course, for me that means nudity as a nudist, spankings as a submissive, and lots of sex as a…well?  I should just let you fill in the word (re Post 271).  Hee-hee.   

It’s like I’ve stated before.  There just isn’t anything noteworthy or any new revelations I’ve made about myself and my journey with DD.   I am not lamenting the fact – after three plus years of growth and evolution, it’s about time things settled into more of a routine.

My previous post focused on my friend, Valerie.  Since I once again lack anything interesting to say about myself, I will focus this post on a Kayla update.

KAYLA AND IS US
She recently started her second year towards her Master’s degree.  By May she should be done with school and ready to join the ranks of the underpaid working class.

When she moved in with us (it will be two years this December), our discussions centered around the thought she may move out on her own upon graduation as she would look nationally for the best job opportunity.   Now, her thinking is she will stay here.  The job prospects here are fine and more importantly, she wants to live with us indefinitely.  We are 100% on board with that.  

We try to remain cognizant of reality – the reality of our age difference.  To remind everyone – I am 49, Mike is 50, and Kayla is 24.   For me and Mike, we often talk to her about our concerns for experiences she may miss out on regarding life among her peers.  For her, she retorts with all the experiences she has had and will continue to have regarding life with us that she would never be able to experience with her peers.   And it isn’t like she doesn’t have friends a bit closer to her age – she does (well, most are in their early 30’s, but that’s still a lot closer than us).   Bottom line is we love her.  I love her.  And she loves us.  We are three!

I am going to share some very personal things about Kayla, but I have her permission and she reviewed this before I posted it.  

ABDL/AGE-PLAY
I mentioned our foray into ABDL as part of our annual Immersion.  Practically since the time she moved in with us, Kayla has experimented with a bit of age-play and ABDL.  But it was more a curiosity and not as a regular thing.  Well that has changed. 

And she is very open and honest about what she gets from such play.  It serves as a type of therapy for her.  She says she emerges from each “play” session feeling a bit more reconciled with her upbringing.  I’ve shared before that she wasn’t physically or sexually abused, but the emotional abuse came in the form of being ignored and verbally abused – and her mom was/is an alcoholic.   The way she describes it — She leaves our “play” sessions feeling secure and loved as a little girl, replacing  the feelings of insecurity and fright that she experienced as a little girl.    

DO YOU HAVE ANY INSIGHTS?
I have no insights into age-play.  I don’t know if the value it serves Kayla is common or not.  Although I assume for some it is about reconciling a past trauma, I also assume for some it is simply a fun way to express yourself.  Not all kink is born of trauma. 

All that really matters for us is that it benefits her.  I don’t need to know any more than that as far as my concerns for Kayla go.  However, I am interested in how others feel about this.  So if you are a little, or are a “daddy” or “mommy” to a little, I hope you’ll comment.   

WHAT A SESSION LOOKS LIKE
I’ve read of age-play that can involve hours of play, in an elaborate child-like setting complete with décor and furnishings to match the mood.  That’s not for Kayla (and if it ever is, we are totally willing to accommodate her needs).   

Most of the time our sessions involve just me and her, but Mike has participated at times.  We don’t have any set schedule for this play.  It’s whenever Kayla needs it.   There have been some days we’ve done it two or three times in a day, and some days none at all.  She tells us when she is needing it.

The details vary based on the time we have and whether or not J is home.  Typically it has occurred when J is at school.   It goes something like this . . .

Kayla will simply say, “Can Mommy feed me.”   Although the last few days she now just takes her finger and taps it against her puckered lips as a signal that she is hungry – after all, babies don’t talk!   

I take her by the hand and we go into our spare bedroom.  Yeah, this baby can walk when needed.  I am just not strong enough to carry her.  If Mike is there, he will pick her up and carry her to the room.  

We don’t have it made up to look like a nursery or anything child-like about it, but we have put together a “baby drawer.”  It has a blanket, diapers, baby powder, baby wipes, pacifier, and stuffed animal (it’s a little unicorn).   These things aren’t hidden, but if we are to have guests staying at our house we would obviously remove these contents. 

I spread the blanket on the bed or the floor and she lays down on it on her back.  I put a diaper on her, complete with a few shakes of the baby powder.  I put the pacifier in her mouth, hand her the stuffie, and then go to the kitchen and prepare her bottle.  I warm up some milk and make two bottles and return to the room.

The bed is lengthwise against the wall.  I get on the bed and prop my back up against the wall with some pillows.  She then gets in my arms.  If Mike is there, he lifts her up and places her in my arms.  He might also put on the diaper while I get the bottles.   I cradle her as best I can. She curls her legs in a semi-fetal position with her head resting in my cupped hand, another pillow propping up my elbow.  and the bottom part of her legs and her feet resting on the bed.   Hey, she’s about 5’4” so is just a tad too tall to be fully comfortably cradled in my arms.   

If Mike is there, he sits down in a chair.  We are all quiet.

I position her head in front of my breast.  I lift my breast so that my nipple is on her lips.  She sucks for as long as she needs.  When she stops sucking, it’s my cue to get the bottle.  I hold it just to the side of my breast and she takes the bottle until it is gone.  We change sides to my other breast and repeat this.

It’s all very quiet while she feeds.  Nothing is on in the background.  I sometimes will hum and stroke her hair.  It’s very surreal and serene.  If Mike is there he might comment once or twice during the feeding.  Something positive like, “Look how beautiful she is.”   When the bottles are done I just hold her. 

It’s been amazing.  She has fallen asleep a few times, has even cried a few times from the emotional release it gives her.  Eventually she will get restless – she never speaks – as a way to tell me she wet her diaper.  I change her into a fresh diaper.  I then leave the room (as does Mike if he is there). 

Kayla stays by herself for as long as she needs.  Sometimes she naps or just lays there awhile before getting up.  On a few occasions she has even masturbated.  She eventually gets up and takes off her diaper and emerges from the room when she is ready.  She gets a big hug from us and the play session is over.  

It’s amazing to be part of this experience for her.  Kinky? Sure.  Weird? Fine.  Bizarre? Whatever.  We don’t care what it’s called or how it looks.  It just works for her and I am happy that we can fulfill that need for her.   We will support her as her need for it increases, diminishes, or evolves.

Next: 280. You can’t beat that! A spanking story

261. A bit more Kayla

I left a bit of a cliffhanger with inference there is a disturbance in the DD force with Mike and I.  I will get to that in my next post – promise!  I was re-reading my prior posts and felt I left a bit out that I want to add regarding Kayla. 

HOW DOES KAYLA FIT IN TO OUR EQUITY? 
We weren’t looking for a relationship with Kayla, and it wasn’t like we were “needing” it.  But our willingness to continually put our equity into our relationship means our relationship is open to so many new and wonderful things.

To re-visit my prior analogy, our marriage is not a closed box containing the two of us, it has a door and windows, and if someone rings the doorbell, we check out who it is.  Maybe, just maybe, they get invited in.  Some temporarily, like John, Donna, and Matt.  Some..or make that one, stay indefinitely, like Kayla.

And what does it mean to have Kayla as part of my relationship with Mike….well, not just a relationship, but a marriage?

We both feel strongly connected to Kayla.  She is part of us. “Us” in my marriage is three.  I shared some of the things we have done to further “bond” her to “us.”  Here are a few more things –

SOME SIMPLE THINGS
Public displays of affection — holding hands, putting arms around each other, or even the quick little pecks on the lips.  Yeah, they happen, whether Mike and her, or me and her, or the three of us.  Pda’s can happen, but generally aren’t in our nature, so not a lot of that, but, they aren’t forbidden.  Both Mike and I try to do it a little more with Kayla, as it is a simple gesture to show her we aren’t hiding her.

It also isn’t uncommon you hear us use various terms of endearment here and there… a “luv” here, a “babe” there, or even a “sweetie” at times.  Any one of us may be directing it at any one else.  It has even been a bit funny when someone says something and throws in a “babe” and the other two are like, “which babe are you talking to?”

SOME SEXY THINGS
Of course there is also the sex.  Kayla sleeps in our bed all the time now.  Sex is an every night thing.  Sometimes it can be more Mike and Kayla or more Mike and me, or more Kayla and I…it simply is whatever it evolves to be for the night.  I do love watching the two of them.  There are times I tell Mike I am fine with just the two of them having sex and I will just watch and masturbate.

We still have our one night a week alone with Mike.  Kayla or I sleep in the guest room on alternate weeks on the nights the other one has their date night with Mike.  Mike occasionally gives Kayla and I our own night out as well and he sleeps in the guest room.  It’s nice we all get to pair up and have our own one-on-one time.  We also all three go out on occasion when we have someone to stay with J.

SOME FURNITURE THINGS
And as part of her moving her things into our room, we went shopping this week for new sheets and bedspread and we let her pick it out.  We also got a new dresser that better compliments our decor so that Kayla could move all of her stuff into our room.  Another little thing we did is that instead of  “Kayla’s dresser” and “Jen’s dresser,” we alternated the drawers such that some of our stuff is in each dresser.  No “her’s” and “mine.”

Lastly we made room for her knick-knacks and some pictures.  Overall the feel is probably still a bit more Mike’s and I age, but it clearly has a Kayla touch.

SOME D/s THINGS
I find happiness in Kayla’s happiness and in all her
growth and happiness our relationship has brought her.   Further, I am so proud of Mike of finding it within himself to be able to give Kayla what she needs and desires – even when those things differ from what I need and desire.  It can’t be easy to deal with two women who have different needs – but it sure helps when, in our case, the two women share a #1 need of pleasing him.

Their D/s has continued to evolve and has a lot more M/s elements to it.  I joke that Kayla doesn’t breath without Mike’s permission.  That’s an obvious overstatement, but, there isn’t much she can do without his permission or command.  From speaking when he is around, to eating, to using the restroom – you can pretty much name it.  

EQUITY IN OUR MARRIAGE
Overall our “open” marriage means we were open to all the things that we have subsequently experienced since adopting DD. 

  • Open to people – obviously the deep relationship with Kayla, and the sexual/friendship relationships with John, Donna, and Matt. 
  • Open to life –  Our recent adoption of nudism is a good example of us finding something we weren’t even looking for.

EQUITY FOR KAYLA?
How does Kayla feel about her relationship with Mike and I?  I shared that she is happy and fulfilled, but what specifically does she find fulfilling.  I asked her.

In Mike – she admits there is a bit of a fulfilling father-figure to him.  His intense interest in who she is and how she feels, and his eagerness, not just willingness, to focus on her needs.  She felt these things even when she was a little girl, and those feelings ended up serving as the foundation for her puppy love to become amorous and more.

She loves serving him, and craves his approval.  At first it devastated her when he disapproved of something (punished her).  That’s why she use to be a big crier.  But she quickly learned that the thrill of doing better, serving him better, and being the person she desires to be, all make the punishments worth it.  She learned they didn’t mark a failure as much as mark an opportunity. 

She still tends to be a bit of crier, but she says her tears are different.  They are often out of immense thankfulness and joy.  A recognition that she is worthy of his guidance, expectations, and love.  I know that phrase probably sickens those who are unfamiliar with DD or D/s.  But I completely understand why she feels that way. 

In me – Kayla also admits I serve a a bit of a mother figure to her, more so than she says Mike serves as a father figure.  Probably because she feels a bit closer to her own father than her own mother.   Kayla says she yearned for a mother figure. Someone to show pride when she did well, give unconditional acceptance, even when she did “dumb shit” as she puts it.  Someone who cares when she suffered and who not only made efforts to help her feel better, but whose efforts actually succeeded in doing so.

Yeah, basically all the stuff a mom would do, she said she got that from me. And like with Mike, those things preceded our “adult’ relationship.  We were those things to her when she was 11, 12, 13, etc.  Again, all serving as a foundation for a love that eventually turned amorous.      

And just to clarify, Kayla said while she feels “let down” by her parents, they were not abusive in the typical meaning of the word.  Numb, not caring, not nurturing, yes – so she feels fortunate they were not abusive other than the abuse of disinterest.

WHAT NEXT?
Who knows what’s next…or even if there is a next.  But whether or not there is, or whatever it may be, I know we are receptive to exploration – so much so that if only one of us wants to explore, they are free to do so, without the others.

I believe the roles, responsibilities, and relationships that Mike and I have, with each other and with others, is highly equitable.  But, what if Mike or I wanted something that wasn’t equitable?   See that?  A nice segue into what I alluded to in the prior post regarding DD sympatico. . .  Next post, I promise!

257. More Kayla

257

I provided a “Matt update’ on my last post and thought it fitting to share a “Kayla update.”  It’s beyond just an update about her – it includes a significant update about us!

She completed her first year of grad school with excellent grades – and a year from now will be plunged into her working years.  Kayla had just turned 22 when she moved in with us. She is now 23 (and half, ha).   Normally you stop counting half years when what, you are about 10 or 11?  Well, I mention it because while a year-and-a-half seems like a short amount of time, for Kayla, every month marked a time of tremendous personal growth – so that “half” is very important. 

KAYLA RISING
She is different.  Outwardly you can see it.  She wasn’t overweight but has lost some weight and is quite toned (thanks to a steady exercise regimen).  It is more than just firmness and curves – the once wallflower now exudes self-confidence.  Her dress also matches this new persona, perhaps in part due to a mandated dress code that ditched the baggy t-shirts for skirts and dresses, but she has grown to love her wardrobe and despite its mandate, it reflects and celebrates who she has become.   

And more importantly, inwardly you can see it.  She is more outspoken – yes, even as a submissive. Submissive doesn’t mean silent.  She communications her feelings and views – again, you could say it is due in part from this being mandated as part of our rules (and frankly, is just part of our family culture), but it too has become her.  Her fear of rejection is gone.      

She was already wise for her age at 21-22.  And now at 23, she really has a great grasp on making choices that fulfill her in healthier ways.  She has applied all the new things she has learned about herself and has shown that she just doesn’t need as much advice.  Not to say that she doesn’t ask – it is just less so.   

She has a great group of friends of her own, and continues to be an important and loved member of our household.  She is also thriving as a submissive – she will do anything for Mike.  You can see the yearning in her to please him and how fulfilling it is for her to do so.  And her and I have a great, loving relationship.  

I don’t discipline her as we have made it a point for me not to be her disciplinarian.  And while at first she still highly deferred to me, there is less and less of that.  And that is by design, from both of us.  Part of it was she knew she was the “outsider” coming into “my house,” so she showed deference out of respect.  As she saw she was not only being accepted, but that her thoughts and wishes were valued by me, she learned she didn’t need to defer.     

I feel her relationship with Mike suits both her and Mike well.  She craves submission, specifically from Mike, but frankly, she has a need for it to come from a man.  It simply doesn’t serve her needs to be submissive to me (nor does it serve mine).  Simply put, our three-way relationship has evolved to meet all our needs — and that is how relationships should evolve, else you discover that aren’t fulfilling and realize it is time to move on. 

Kayla recognizes the changes in her and is quick to express her gratitude for how we have helped her.  She tells me that she is specifically grateful to me for giving her opportunities to explore her relationship with Mike, independent of me, as well as allowing her “equal input” on various things that come up.  Not that she always gets her way, but she always feels heard and validated by me. 

I think it was very important for her to get that from another woman.  Although my relationship with her started out with me being somewhat of a mother figure to her, it has evolved beyond that.  She doesn’t need mothering any more.  She is a fully functional, confident, vibrant, and flourishing adult.  

I love this!  The purpose of all my advice was not to clip her wings and make her dependent,  it was to strengthen her wings so she can soar on her own – and she is soaring.

TELLING HER PARENTS / TELLING ALL
I don’t think I shared this before, but if I did, I don’t think I wrote much about it.  Kayla has told her parents about her relationship with Mike and I.  They weren’t thrilled, but they apparently took it well.  They already knew Kayla was bisexual, so that wasn’t new to them. 

I’ve shared that Mike and I are now in the open about Kayla – and we are now 100% open.  Family, friends, anyone!  Not that we ran and told people, but, as the situation warrants, we explain it.  For instance, Mike didn’t announce it to all his coworkers, but he did tell a few of them and told them it wasn’t any secret – so I am sure his entire office knows.

This “telling all” had a tremendous impact on Kayla.  Being unable to proclaim our love for each other can really take a toll.  It would be awkward in social situations for her to have to be on alert to make sure she “played the friend” versus the lover.  No more.

THE FUTURE?
When Kayla first moved in we talked about her living with us while she finished grad school and then she would move on into full independent adulthood.

With just a year to go before she finishes school, Kayla got to thinking about what she would be doing a year from now.  She said she was nervous to share with us what was on her mind.  She told us that she wants to stay with us, indefinitely.

We welcomed her declaration!

DEFINING OUR RELATIONSHIP – CEREMONY
Her commitment to us is that she is dedicated to our relationship, not due to a sense of obligation, but due to the love she feels from us and towards us.  Dedicated, in our relationship, doesn’t mean exclusive, as she is open to dating again, but is not actively looking to do so.

We subsequently talked about having a ceremony, honoring our commitment and recognizing her position in our relationship (my idea, and Mike agreed).  Nothing over the top – not like a formal ceremony – basically a party where we make an extended toast/declaration regarding our relationship.  So yeah, like a ceremony. 

Beyond this “ceremony,” we are also taking a few other steps as ways to show a greater committment between the three of us.    

FINANCES
We are combining finances.  I can hear the “uh-oh” coming from some of you.  Once you talk money in a relationship things can get a bit wonky.   But, she is either part of our family or isn’t, and as far as we are concerned, she is.  And actually, it is a bit anti-climatic because as part of her submission she gave up choices in spending her money.  Mike already monitors and controls her spending.   

I shared a bit about how we manage our finances in Post 181. Domestic Financial Discipline.   Kayla will now be on our “day-to-day account” and any money she has to deposit will go into the “bills account.”   She isn’t working right now, but does get a little money each month from her dad to help with living expenses – he promised her he would continue to do that as long as she was going to school, and, he is also paying for her schooling.

Kayla had been paying us rent, because she insisted on doing so. She will no longer do that.  All her money simply goes into our account and her and I have a budget on what we can spend – and we have to get Mike’s permission for anything beyond things like food or gasoline.   The end result is that there really isn’t any change in how she spends her money – and it wasn’t like she was building a savings of any kind.  It’s not like her dad is giving her a lot of money – just enough to get by.

BEDROOM
I have shared before that Kayla’s bedroom is basically part of our master bedroom.  When we had the house built we had an option of putting a door to one of the bedrooms either in the hall or, where a wall would have been in our master bedroom.  We opted for access via the master bedroom.  It was great when the room served as a nursery, and we felt at some point it would be converted into a sitting room or office.  It makes the master suite seem really huge as you open these double doors to this small entry way.  To your your left is another door to this “hidden” bedroom, and to your right is a door to the actual master bedroom.

Even though the three of us have been sharing the same bed for some time, there was still this visual of “Kayla’s bedroom” versus “our” (Mike and I) bedroom.  And it was also part of our vocabulary.  These visual and those words are powerful and aren’t reflective of our true relationship.

Thus, Mike is moving his home office into what was Kayla’s bedroom and the master is officially “ours” (Mike, me, and Kayla).  The room currently serving as Mike’s office will be a guest room.  A bonus of my dress code is that I pared down my wardrobe such that our master closet has a lot of room.  Kayla’s stuff fit nicely in it.  Even though we haven’t yet moved any furniture, we did move her things into our closet.  That gesture seems small but was extremely powerful – as we hung her last bit of clothing, Kayla began to cry — tears of joy.  This symbolic gesture means a lot to her, and to us.

COMMITMENT
What this all comes down to is that we are all in a committed relationship.  We understand that our commitment is no more permanent than commitments made in any other type of relationship.  Unmarried people living together can split up and married people can divorce — but those possibilities don’t lessen their commitment. 

Kayla can leave at any time, but that doesn’t lessen her commitment.  However, because it is so easy for her to break off from us, it is important to her, and to us, to go out of our way to demonstrate a deeper commitment.  It can’t be a wedding ring, but, we can stop hiding the role she has in our lives and we can look for subtle, but powerful, ways to demonstrate commitment. 

Our “commitment party”  is one such way.  Combining the finances is another.  There are some other ways as well, but I don’t want to share those just yet.

THE FUTURE BEYOND THAT?
While Kayla expressed her desire to be committed beyond the end of her schooling, let’s face it, she is 23, Mike and I are closing in on our 50’s.   As much growing Kayla has done from 21-23, she may continue to rapidly evolve from 23-25.  What does the 25-year old Kayla need compared to what our relationship provides?  What of the 27-year old Kayla?  30?

We talked about this and all agreed that, just like any other relationship, if it reaches a point it is no longer fulfilling, whether it be because priorities change, people change, or whatever the cause — well, that’s when you re-evaluate.  And hopefully we are all loving enough to not take offense if that were to occur.  In our case, it is not only understandable, but somewhat predictable.  We recognize our age differences may eventually matter.  Kayla may meet someone she wants to marry, she may want a child, she may yearn to be on her own.  All normal things a 20-something could want and all things that may be difficult for our relationship to support.

We aren’t looking for a lifetime commitment.  That would be silly and put unnecessary pressure on everyone.   Beyond a dedication to each other, we are dedicated and committed to the principles we have established as the ground rules for our household.  Those principles demand that if Kayla reaches a point where she yearns for something the relationship can’t provide, she is encouraged. . . no, she is required, to not allow the relationship to get in the way of her fulfillment.  Further, if (when) it comes to that point, we are required to support her.

Next: 258. Planning Immersion III – Surprise, surprise, surprise