339. Jenny-job, Mean Mike, the Platinum Rule, a Jenny thing, and some other stuff

339

Sorry.  I am trying.  I keep starting a post and then thinking it’s stupid.  Don’t know why I am overthinking everything!   Okay, will try again. . .

JENNY JOB
No, not the kind of job that blows.  A real j-o-b job.  I mentioned I am working.  Just part-time.  I had been volunteering at J’s old school and decided to take on a part-time job as a teacher’s aide in the special ed classroom.  The pay is terrible but I am not doing it for money.  I just felt the need to give back.   I’ll probably just do it through the end of this school year and go back to volunteering.  While it’s not a big commitment, I like not having to adhere to a schedule.

My job also has been a new social outlet for me.  Interacting with people in ways that don’t involve TTWD.   So much of my life has become our friendships within our Circle of Trust, it’s nice to have some “vanilla” time.  lol.   And I mentioned we joined a bowling league.   The three of us bowl on a team with another couple, someone Mike knows.  They aren’t part of our COT and seem disinterested in exploring that way. 

They clearly know that we are a THRUPLE!  That’s a new term I’ve heard to describe a triad relationship.  Beyond knowing our thruple status, they aren’t fully aware of our lifestyle.  They get that we defer a lot to Mike, and probably suspect there’s more going on, but they don’t ask, and we don’t flaunt it. 

Our typical approach in social settings is, “Tell if asked, otherwise, don’t.”   It keeps things simple as all three of us know to simply be honest.  I don’t need to make a point to say, “I submit to my husband.  He spanks me along with other forms of punishment.  We have sex with other people.  Any questions?”  Ha ha ha!

MEAN MIKE?
The other day, one of my coworkers told me in a fairly awkward, round-about way that my husband sounded mean.    I asked them what gave them that impression?  As
we talked, it was clear they concluded he was controlling, thus he must be mean. 

It reminded me of my impressions of John pre-show (as in, pre Post 20. Putting on a Show).   Until I was aware of John and Donna’s dynamic, I thought John was just a bit of an asshole.  I understood why my coworker was thinking the same of Mike.  She had heard me talk with Mike on the phone, as well as heard me say things like, “I will ask my husband,” or, “Let me check with my husband.”

By the way, I get a thrill every time I utter those phrases to people that aren’t “in the know.”  It’s a bit of cheating on our “Tell if asked, otherwise, don’t” because clearly, it is putting out some “tell” vibes.   Mike allows it, so as with all things, it’s not cheating if he allows it!  But, I’d probably minimize the inquiries if I’d be stealthier about it.  Thing is, I am not ashamed of it.  I am not going to go out of my way to hide anything, even though I also am not going out of my way to share TTWD. 

I assured my coworker that Mike treats me in the manner I want to be treated and that I purposely defer to him and seek his guidance and permission on a number of things.  I told them that’s just how I am wired and Mike loves me enough to treat me in the manner I desire.  And because I hate the idea of others thinking ill of him, I added that such behavior was not Mike’s default and that it was me that thrives by deferring to him.  (I always use the word “defer” versus “submit” when talking to vanilla friends).

THE PLATINUM RULE
I asked my coworker if my thinking makes them uncomfortable.  She admitted it did, but couldn’t pinpoint why.  I assured her that how her husband treated her, as long as it was in the manner she accepts and desires, I would be happy for her as we all deserve to be treated the way we want.  It’s the Platinum Rule!  — Treat others the way they want to be treated (It’s better than the Golden Rule).  

As we talked it became clear that she felt intimidated, like it was a threat to her and all of womanhood.  It made me think of my post Is this submissive a Feminist? (The feminism part, not the political rant part of that post).   The discussion was cordial, just two women talking.  It was not adversarial, just to the point.

A JENNY THING
I told her I totally understand her concerns and there was I time I wouldn’t have understood my desires on this.  I explained my needs and desires no more represent the sum of all the needs and desires of my gender any more than hers do.  It’s not a gender thing, it’s a me-thing.  It’s a Jenny thing.   She seemed to feel better that I wasn’t some anti-feminist.   

I don’t understand why some people think that just because someone makes decisions that they believe are right for them that somehow it’s a threat or that I assume they must be right for everyone and will want to push my “agenda” on them.  Not everyone’s a Republican.  lol

She was a little inquisitive and asked some more questions about why I enjoy it.  It’s difficult to describe and I basically put it back on her, “Why do you enjoy the particular dynamic that exists in your marriage?”  She said, “I dunno, never really thought of it.  It just works for us.”  “That’s it!” I said, “Same answer for me.”

I was tempted to go into, “…and you know, there was a time I thought what we were doing was working for us, but then….” and go into my whole DD story.  But that would be too much “telling” without much “asking” on her part.    The Jenny of six months ago probably would have.  But the more insular me, the one feeling more protective of my amazing life – that Jenny is fine with being honest without oversharing.    

What’s funny to me is that I wonder if I miss opportunities to expand our Circle of Trust.  Not that I feel the need to recruit, but, our circle was created primarily by me being the run-my-mouth oversharer that I typically am.   It’s piqued the interest of some people and then, well, you know the rest.   We may not have Kayla in our lives if not for opening up with her about TTWD.   Wow.  I just re-read my first post about herHow far we’ve come! (in more ways than one, hee-hee). 

On second thought, maybe I give my loud mouth too much credit.  John and Donna were already our friends.  Mike “brought in” Matt, who in turn brought in Jillian.  Jaime and Chelsea are Kayla’s friends.  I guess my “recruits” were Valerie/Raul and Kim/TJ.   Okay, enough of that talk.  I don’t look at it as recruiting.  I don’t recruit anyone like that.  I just share and well, it causes them to share, and then one thing leads to another!  It’s the magic of vulnerability!   Maybe I should write a post about vulnerability, or two, or three, or four.  Oh, I already did that!  (there’s nine of them linked in my Shortcuts).

Okay, I am rambling now.   End post!

338. Jen, just shut up already!

338
This is my last post. . . .

 

talking about my hiatus!  lol.  

Gotcha!

Of course, I am going to keep blogging!  I am too into me to stop!  There’s plenty of domestic discipline debauchery to dole out to you  – at a slower pace.  It’s just that I had an epiphany that helped me understand what I think was at the core of my lack of motivation to blog.  And that realization has actually helped increase my interest in blogging again.  

SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE BEING UNDERSTOOD
In the past, I couldn’t wait to write about a blogworthy topic that popped in my head.  Now?  Meh.  In a prior post I shared reasons behind the multi-month respite and slower pace of blogging.  But recently I came to realize there was another reason, a more compelling and powerful reason than what I previously stated.

I’ve always been a bit of a loudmouth, quick to share my thoughts about any topic.  You’d think I would have been an awful guidance counselor, but I behaved differently in a clinical setting.  I was good with the open-ended questions to help people “find their truth” or reconcile some internal conflict.  But I’ve always been quick to share what’s on my mind outside of that setting.  There is a mantra of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   I love this saying, but I rarely followed it.

When we adopted Domestic Discipline almost 5 years ago, it was one of the things I wanted to improve about myself.  I knew reigning in my reflex to demand to be heard would help make me a better wife, mother, sister, friend, you name it.   My blog became one place where I didn’t have to reign that it.  I could go on a rant about anything at any time, such as An Esoteric Ramble, or a politically fueled, We Are Not Okay, But We Will Be.

It was my interactions on the site I mentioned in the last post, Sister’s in Submission,  that woke me up to the fact I once again was going down a path of seeking to be understood before understanding others.  I realized I was not only too quick to throw in my two cents on a topic, but my responses seemed to have the effect of shutting down dialogue, not continuing it.   Of course, I’d like to think it is because my responses were so thought out that they resonated with everyone’s “truth” thus there was simply nothing left for anyone to add.   That MUST be the reason.   Either that or it was because I was dominating the conversation, not furthering it.  Hum.  Maybe the latter?

And I noticed this old habit started appearing IRL.  With friends, family, coworkers, and yes, even with Mike.  (BTW, I’ll talk about my new job at some point. It’s part-time).

So I decided that while I would still chime in now and then, I would be less demonstrative and more suggestive in my online responses.   I also recommitted to myself to be a better listener with everyone I interacted with, whether it was online or IRL.

And I loved it!

I was getting something rewarding and fulfilling out of being  quieter – out of “seeking to understand before being understood.”   I was enjoying reading what other people had to say, being more inquisitive in my statements versus pushing my own conclusions.  It was nice hearing a different voice than my own.  And thus, the thought of “telling all” or ranting via my blog no longer motivated me. 

Also, I think there is some level of authority we all give to someone who goes on and on about a particular topic, in my case, Domestic Discipline.  And as I stated, I felt a bit intimidated with my million views and sex blogger ranking.   Like,  don’t listen to me.  I am no expert.  I do consider myself an expert on MY LIFE, but no one else’s.  I told myself, “Jen, just shut up already!”   So I did!

YAWN.  ENOUGH!  GIVE US SEXY TIME!
But now my “quiet period is over.  No need to “be quiet.”  Maybe quieter, but not quiet.  As I stated in a prior post, I needed to “get over myself.”    My obscure little blog is not intended to change the worldview on human sexuality, gender roles, marriage, or kink.  It’s simply a way for me to think through things while scratching my itch to be a bit of an exhibitionist (and for some of you more pervy folks, maybe masturbatory fodder).

With that – guess what?  We’ve been making plans for Immersion 2020 It’s become an “event” in our Circle of Trust where people have planned to take time off work – a bit of a sexual exploration vacation!  The guys are coordinating a “Swap-fest” of sorts where we will be spending some meaningful one-on-one time with other members of our group.  As in, spending the evening and night with someone other than your significant other(s).   I don’t know all the details and will happily share them when I do. 

AND — we are about a month away from our FIVE YEAR DD-VERSARY.  That’s right!  Five years of committing to a Domestic Discipline dynamic.    And there is still a lot I’d love to fill you in on regarding the last several months.    More blogging to come!

NEXT: 339. Jenny-job, Mean Mike, the Platinum Rule, a Jenny thing, and some other stuff

337. Outsourcing Domestic Discipline

338

 

In the last five months

  • I turned 50!
  • Kayla turned 25
  • We celebrated a two year anniversary of sorts with Kayla.  It’s been two years since we had a public celebration and recognition of her place in our plural marriage.
  • I started working part-time
  • What’s the latest with our various friends in our Circle of Trust? (COT)?
  • Lots of sex

Hum?  Which would most readers want me to elaborate on?

How about, “None of the above?”    Actually, this is a bit of catching up with one couple in our COT, Jaime and Chelsea.  I wrote this post months ago that I thought I posted, but it was still in my drafts.  So I am going to resurrect it and post it now.  Thus, I still have plenty of fodder for my next post regarding goings-on during my blogging hiatus.

—————————–

With a bit of an empty nest, I thought I’d have more time to blog, not less.  Volunteering, picking up extra household duties (Kayla now works full time), a bit of being lazy and using my free time to watch tv instead of blog, and yes, even BOWLING!  The three of us joined a bowling league!   I bet you didn’t know I was a jock!  To the extent that a bowler can claim that moniker, ha!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Before diving into my latest update on my life of whimsy and wonder, I thought I’d share two things I am enjoying online.

  • EAT YOUR VEGGIES
    https://goeatacarrot.com/.    Check her out.   Read about her theories and experiences with dating, sex, love, and relationships (not necessarily in that order)!  A blend of humor, politics, and sexuality!    Love her!
  • HEY SISTER, SOUL SISTER
    https://sisters-in-submission.mn.co/A women’s only online community connecting women who want to dig deeper into what submission means for them.  The site is well organized and the community is great and supportive of everyone, from those considering submission to those who are full-on slaves, and many in-between.A lot of the post are at the more extreme end of “women are holes” so, be prepared!   But, there are more moderate and mild submissives on there.  From my experience, everyone is supportive of other’s views, but if misogyny is not your thing, skip it.  If it sounds interesting and you are female, check it out.

End of Public Service Announcement!

OUTSOURCING DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE
I thought I’d expand on something I brought up in a previous post regarding Mike’s relationship with Jaime and Chelsea.

As a quick recap regarding Jaime and Chelsea (if you want the details, read Post 308):

  • So that you don’t live your life thinking it is Jay-me, it is pronounced Hi-me.  Spanish for James.   This is important because to this day I think of Hermoine Granger as “Her-Moyn” and notHer-mi-o-ney.”   I digress
  • Kayla met Chelsea in college about two years ago. Kayla was a grad student, Chelsea an undergrad.  They are basically the same age though.  This is new for Kayla as for her entire life her closest friends were also much older than her.
  • Jaime & Chelsea have been married six years.  They got married as soon as Chelsea got out of high school.  She was 18, Jaime was 22.
  • Chelsea grew up in a family that practiced corporal punishment/domestic discipline.  Spanking was a family tradition and something she was eager to leave.
  • After several years of marriage, Chelsea began craving more leadership and discipline from Jaime, including domestic discipline.   Jaime resisted.
  • After befriending Kayla, Chelsea’s need for submission reached a tipping point where she had to get Jaime on board.  It didn’t take too much effort this time and Jaime agreed to a DD dynamic — with some help from us, namely Mike. 
  • Mike has become the de facto DD coach for Jaime.   Mike administered many of the initial punishments and basically oversaw many more to help Jaime find his way as a Head of Household.  
  • Jaime looks up to Mike and is amazed at how Chelsea’s behavior, mood, and personality has changed for the better and how much happier she is.  He credits Mike with those changes. 
  • Chelsea has a crush on Mike and, as revealed in a prior post, has performed oral sex on Mike, with Jaime’s blessing.   

Sounds like a happy ending (lol!).   All parties do appear to be happy, but things have evolved differently than any of us has anticipated.   Jaime recently told Mike that he not only appreciates all the help Mike gives, but he really “gets off” on watching Mike spank her.  What has evolved is that Jaime has basically “outsourced” his DD to Mike.  Mike is Chelsea’s disciplinarian.   There is a weekly meeting, typically at their place, but sometimes at ours, that serve as Chelsea’s Maintenance Session.  

This odd arrangement has been working.  All three parties seem to find it fulfilling.  I don’t question it as I feel no need to do so.  I feel I have no standing to complain if it works for them and doesn’t interfere in my household dynamic.  Mike has asked me my opinion and I honestly give it.  I find it odd, but I can accept odd.  Heck, just look at my lifestyle.  What I do is odd, thus an “oddity” factor certainly can’t be my criteria to complain.   And honestly, I only had one concern. 

The only thing that bothers me is when we have to change our schedule to accommodate them.  They are our friends and I thoroughly enjoy the thought of Mike helping them as he does.  It really tingles me in the right places to think of him as this DD-Jedi of sorts.  But, changing our plans to accommodate them?  Sorry, I don’t like it.  I am happy to accommodate a friend when something unexpected occurs – but this is a weekly thing.   I shared my concern and Mike said he would strive to “work them in” on our schedule, not theirs.  And thus far it’s worked out!  See, I told you I have a voice in my marriage!  I get to provide feedback whenever my husband wants to spank someone else’s wife!  Who could ask for more?  lol. 

Oh, and there was one other concern I had at first.  It didn’t seem to me that Mike was really into it as if he looked at it as a chore.  He never said so, but I didn’t sense much enthusiasm.   We talked about it, and Mike said he purposely tried to “play it cool” when talking about it with me or with Kayla.   He said, “Honestly, I enjoy this role.  It is challenging to be the right kind of disciplinarian to you and to Kayla.  I feel I have mastered that challenge and it’s exciting to have someone new to figure out.”

It helped me to know he enjoys it, as I get a lot of joy from his enjoyment of anything (or anyone!).   Mike also said, before I had a chance to, that at some point his feelings may change, as may Jaime’s or Chelsea’s.  Like any change, we try and stay ahead of it through open and honest dialogue.  From what Mike says and from what I have witnessed, Jaime is a little slow on expressing himself, so it concerns me that something may fester and then show itself in a negative way.  The great thing about our relationship with them is that I am able to share this concern directly with Jaime.  I believe he fully understands the need to speak up.  And although he tends to be a bit quiet, I have to give him credit.  It couldn’t have been easy to ask Mike to become the de-facto disciplinarian in his marriage.    

Kayla is more uncomfortable with it.  I think because Chelsea is her friend and her age, it’s easier to trigger the jealousy instincts.  Kayla acknowledges it and while a bit rough at first, it has evolved to where she looks at is as sharing something (someone) she has that is really cool and that she highly cherishes.   It’s an act of her “giving,” not of someone else “taking.”  And like me, it becomes a source of pride in that, “Yeah, that’s my husband providing you something you and your husband really need and enjoy.”

Maybe there’s a way Mike can monetize his Dom skills.  Does Angie’s List include a listing for Disciplinarians? 

NEXT: 338.  Jen, just shut up already!