I think if my blog has one consistent lesson, it is this:
Don’t suggest your husband spank you as you may get what you asked for.
Ha! No, that’s not it. It’s this:
Okay, not that one either, although if the consequences are “chilling” enough, you might not ever chew ice again.
Alright, maybe the lesson isn’t a lesson, but a question.
That question is — It is more fruitful to understand our emotions and actions than to hate, ridicule, or ignore them?
Aha! Yes, that’s it! And maybe there should be a second part to that sentence of, “… and whether you understand them, hate them, or ignore them, a good spanking can cure what ails you.” LOL!
IT’S ESOTERIC RAMBLE TIME
It’s been a while since I’ve dropped some Jenny-style psycho-babble. I’ll do my best to try and make this a coherent as possible, as I have a lot of disparate thoughts rolling around my head.
I was doing some thinking as I am prone to do, trying to come up with one idea or theme that I felt was the predominant thread in my blog. Sure, it is a blog about Domestic Discipline, but I feel a consistent theme I’ve gone back to time and time again is that we should take the time to understand our emotions and actions.
Another word for this can be self-awareness, but this word can be tricky. Your awareness of yourself is always limited. It is limited by, well. . . by your awareness of yourself. While you can do things to be more aware – complete awareness can not exist (any Buddhist’s out there may respectfully disagree). To me, what can exist is a better understanding of yourself. This becomes a constant journey and not a final destination of 100% self-awareness.
And if you are a long time reader, I will flunk you now and send you to the principals office if you can’t answer the question, “And how does one better understand themselves? It’s all about the “V'” word – vulnerability.
WHAT SELF AWARENESS MEANS TO ME
I don’t want to repeat myself as there are probably a dozen posts dedicated to the “V” word and a dozen others that touch on it. (Beavis: “Aa-huh. . . she said touch the V.”) If you need a refresher, here’s one post I often find myself referring back to — Post 67.
Vulnerability is only the catalyst. It is not the end-all, be-all. It is the catalyst that helps me increase my self-awareness. And if you buy my definition of self-awareness as being a “better understanding of oneself,” then vulnerability allows me to better understand myself.
This begs the question, “What is it about myself that I am trying to understand?”
I believe it comes down to me trying to answer this question, “What is giving rise to the different feelings I am having?” I’ve always been highly self reflective, but I have only been fully honest in my reflection for the last 3-4 years. It can be very difficult as the things that give rise to your feelings can be highly complex and a combination of external influences and things that are just from our own nature. Navigating that complexity is made even harder due to the many built in bias’ we all have.
Here’s a great article on bias. While not tied to self-awareness, it gives a great lesson on the bias’ we all have. The point this article helps make is that if you don’t take time to really question yourself, your motives, your feelings, your reactions, you likely will never get to the root of what gave rise to them. You will discount/ignore any “bad” or unhealthy motivations and assume only the “good” or positive motivations applied to you. Thus transformation/growth is not possible, and ultimately happiness and fulfillment will allude you.
My drive to try and understand myself comes from a perspective of boiling life down to two choices:
- Understand your emotions and let that understanding be transformative and manifest themselves in positive ways.
- Suffer your emotions – hate them, ridicule them, or ignore them, and let them manifest themselves in negative ways.
And recently I added a third part to this:
3. Understand that #1 and #2 can also apply to those you allow into your life re “understand their emotions or suffer their emotions.”
If you strive for #1 as I do, keep in mind that if you have done #2 for too long, you may need professional help to break out of it. That’s the core of what a psychologist and psychiatrist does – it is about helping you understand your emotions. Doing so requires you to be honest (vulnerable) to them and pour out all your “truths” to them. Or, you can just be vulnerable to your significant other and let them spank you. lol
Thus, I am compelled to try and understand my thoughts and emotions behind Active submission vs Passive submission which I wrote about in Post 275.
I think I used the word “Active” because up until recently, practically all my submissive acts were caused by me. The motivation of those acts were borne in me. They flowed from within me, and flowed out of me.
Contrast that with “Passive.” That is where I find my submissive acts are becoming only partially from me or even not all from me. That is, they are requirements of Mike to which I am willing to meet.
Both are worthy submissive acts. Both are fulfilling. One is not better than the other. They are like water from a different well. There is no substantial reason they are different. But emotions are typically not reasonable. It is in the emotions where you find the difference.
If you are a submissive, it doesn’t matter if you more closely identify as Active vs Passive. There is no right or wrong way, or even an absolute. You can be half-and-half, or lean a little, or completely, one way or the other. It isn’t about what I have come to understand about my emotions. It is about what you discover when you come to understand yours. Of course, this is my blog so I will talk about what I’ve come to understand fro mine.
POWER EXCHANGE IS ABHORRENT?
I’ve written that I am finding passive submission is as equally rewarding as active. As I am beginning to understand it better, the truth is, at least for now, it isn’t! Passive submission is MORE rewarding to me. I think the reason has to do with power, and as a submissive, I thrive in giving up power to my husband.
As humans, I think we are wired to derive joy from power. It’s what makes wanting to be submissive so counter-culture (Post 27. Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission). It doesn’t have to be overwhelming power, unless you are an egotistical, unstable, self-absorbed narcissist, but enough about Trump. It can be as simple as the power of persuasion. Think of the little shot of joy we all get when someone “likes” a post. It’s like, yeah, at a minimum, I persuaded them to consider what I had to say.
Whatever it is, it is human nature to derive joy from power. If you agree, then the antithesis of this is that there is sadness when power is diminished. Thus, if we lose influence, lose certain controls, it is human nature to become sad.
Therefore — now stick with me — whatever increases our power makes us happy and we value those things as being “good.” And whatever decreases our power make us sad and we value those things as being “bad.”
Thus – a person who voluntarily gives up power must be sad, bad, and violating human nature. It is only natural to conclude that Domestic Discipline or a Dominant/submissive relationship is abhorrent.
But for a submissive, there is no joy in retaining and demonstrating power. It’s more clear said in the positive — for a submissive, there is joy when power is given away.
Clearly a submissive defies our natural instinct to enjoy power. I find it odd that society looks down upon someone who gives up so much power, and looks up to someone who craves total power – even abusing that power along the way. It is the power-hungry who destroy lives, oppress and harm people for inhumane reason simply because they can. Far from submissives being “abhorrent,” there is something wrong with those who derive all their joy from power…and that goes for people who idolize (and vote) those that do so. Deplorables indeed! I digress.
Like most things, this is not an absolute. It is not a choice between “all powerful” and “completely powerless.” I do not seek to be completely powerless. I have a voice and I have influence over Mike. But by evolving from my active submission to my passive submission, I have given up more power. And that was the final step in reaching the level of submission I was looking for.
I’ve been fulfilled each step of our DD journey. And every step was critical to allowing me to reach this
destination point in my journey. I’ve stated before that when we started, I would have never accepted the level of submission I was at a year into our DD, or two years into it, or now, three-and-a-half years into it.
I’ve been fortunate in that it seems like I have always had the level of submission that I needed at the time. I believe it is because I remained vulnerable to Mike, and he to me, and we’ve cherished being completely open and honest with each other and most importantly, with ourselves. It’s about taking time to reflect and trying our best to understand our emotions and actions, and the emotions and actions of each other, rather than hate, ridicule, or ignore them.
Here’s a quote I found that connects the importance of honesty in D/s. It is from Byron Cane: