292. Kayla’s Triad Thursday Declaration

I’ve promised a return to sharing more kink.  Forget family time!  It’s time to appeal to more prurient interests.   Yeah, be honest, that is why you read a blog like this! 

Well, I guess I lied.  You’ll have to wait for one more post.  This one will be the set up for the sizzling and salacious, the depraved and degenerate, the indecent and impure, the. . . well, you get the picture.  It sets the stage for the “fun” stuff, in this case, a punishment.   Yeah, I am flipping the Jenny script and sharing the aftermath of a punishment, then I’ll share the details of the punishment on the next post.    

This isn’t even about a punishment I received, it is Kayla’s.  What?  “In three months of no posting you didn’t receive a single noteworthy spanking?”    Yep.  I mean, not that I wasn’t spanked, but nothing noteworthy.  Anything I share of the last two or three months would be indistinguishable from other posts about punishments.  I can’t motivate myself to write about something that is so derivative of prior posts.  So instead, I will write about Kayla.  What makes it noteworthy is that it marks an evolution in our relationship.   

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES
Like most relationship changes, they come slowly and as part of a change in someone.  The “initiator” recognizes a need for change before the other person does.  The initiator often stays silent for some time as they first try to understand and reconcile what that change means for themselves.   Even once they do, they sometimes are unsure how to articulate exactly what this change is.  Then there is some trigger, a tipping point, and they verbalize this change.  

In this case, the tipping point involved a punishment Mike gave Kayla.  I’ll share the details in the next post, but basically, it surprised me.  Not in its severity – it was not severe. It was just very different. 

I’ve learned to trust Mike and not question or worry about Kayla in regards to her discipline.  In fact, it was exactly a year ago that I learned that lesson well re Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.  That lesson was about learning to approach my concerns from a point of curiosity and of seeking clarity.   This was especially important when it came to issues dealing with Kayla and my concern that Mike remain on point with providing the discipline she wants and needs.  

TRIAD THURSDAY – KAYLA’S DECLARATION
We’ve started calling our Thursday Maintenance sessions “Triad Thursday” since, about eight months ago, we turned this into a family meeting of sorts with me, Mike, and Kayla all coming together for Maintenance.   As Kayla’s punishment in question happened on a Thursday, I felt it was a great opportunity to find clarity and resolve my concerns. 

Kayla’s reaction to my inquiry surprised me.   She said something like, 

“Jen, this is a great example of something that’s been bothering me but I haven’t been able to put my finger on.  I know you love me and are only looking out for me, but that’s the thing, I don’t need you to be looking out for me that way.   At least, not when it comes to the things Sir says or does to me.  Even though your questions are respectful, it still hurts me to have you question his disciplining of me.   If you want to know how I feel about a punishment I received, you can ask me.  Don’t bring it to a Maintenance.  This is not a Maintenance issue.”

Followed by. . . 

 “I want to be treated more like a wife to both of you than a “lesser third in a Triad. I don’t want you as a mother, I want you as a friend, a partner, a confidant, a lover.”

Wow.   Yep. Those were her words.  She said it didn’t come out exactly how she intended, but, that yeah, the essence of it is all in there.  It’s hard to hear someone say that.  Your mind just hears, “I don’t want you.”  Thus, my defenses were triggered, but fortunately, my defensiveness didn’t last long.  I credit my years of training as a counselor and my generous and empathetic heart.  Yep, it had absolutely nothing to do with the stern look and word my initial response got from Mike. 

Brushing aside my bruised ego, what quickly ensued was a meaningful dialogue between the three of us.  I’ll spare the blow-by-blow, but it was positive, constructive, and loving.  The short version is this — Our relationship with Kayla is two years old, and Kayla is now 24.   While she was always mature beyond her years, she has grown a lot in those two years.  And ” a lot” is an understatement.   Her needs have changed.  Not as it relates to her submission, but as it relates to me.   

I had given up on being a disciplinarian to Kayla some time ago.  Part due to my own needs as a submissive and part due to her no longer desiring it.   And when she first moved in with us I was very much a “helicopter girlfriend” as I was very concerned for her well being.   And while I didn’t do this nearly as much, I still hovered over her needs in a motherly sort of way.   She was declaring her independence from my motherly type concerns for her.   Good for her!   And because I have been prone to sarcasm, I’ll state that there was no sarcasm in that statement.  Only pride, joy and love.  

SECOND WIFE?
We have been using the term “second wife” for a while in describing Mike’s relationship with Kayla.  Mostly in jest, but there is a tinge of seriousness to it, as there often is in humor.  But we had never once used that word to describe her relationship with me.   But she was right.  What has been evolving, and what her declaration just formalized, is that indeed, our relationship has crossed over to be more of that of “spousal peers.”   That was the term I came up with and she said, “Yeah, that’s it, that’s what I am trying to articulate.”     

It isn’t that she didn’t appreciate how she was treated before — she loved how we have treated her and credits it with her tremendous growth as a person.  It is simply that her needs have changed, and she is looking to be treated in a way that is consistent with her current needs.     

She is no longer that young woman who wants or needs my protection.  She is simply that young woman who wants and needs my love.  I should not go to Mike when I have a concern about Kayla that I have not yet shared with Kayla.  That is no different than how Kayla has treated me since the beginning.

While “wife” has legal connotations, it also has a lot of emotional ones.  And Kayla expressed she wanted the mantle of that title, not just between her and Mike, but between me and her. . . albeit an informal, non-legally binding title.   And for her it isn’t about any of the legal rights bestowed on that title. She is not interested in any of that.  She is interested in the standing it gives her in our family dynamic regarding how she is treated by me and by Mike.  It was easy to grant her this and both Mike and I committed to treating her this way from now one, whole-heartedly.   

There were no ill feelings from our conversation.  I truly lost my defensive feelings very quickly.  In addition, Mike reminded me how important it was for me to be so involved in her discipline and be overly sensitive to her needs in the early days of the relationship.  Even if I wasn’t administering discipline, I was often providing feedback to Mike, and not just because I would easily give it, but because he would frequently seek it.   While Kayla credits Mike for how wonderful of a Dom he is for her, Mike was quick to remind her that it came with a lot of insights from me.   

With a little reflection, any bruised ego or defensiveness I felt was quickly replaced with positive feelings.  Kayla’s “declaration” is part of the success of her growth that I have played a part in.  Far from feeling defensive, I feel admiration, love, pride, and joy – both to and from Kayla.  

Now, I know most of you pervs are saying, “Finally, you made your point.  Now, just tell us what the hell Kayla did and how she was summarily punished for it!”   Next post!

Post.  Love is not Pie

245. Synchronizing Expectations

This post can be filed under T.M.I.  It’s probably more than you care to know.  I am trying not to hold back and just write it like it is.  Some of the detail may not be an interesting read.  I wanted to show a bit more of the gears and cogs behind what forms the foundation of our communication style.  And show how we deal with my pursuit of a relationship with Matt.

By the way, don’t know how easy it was to catch, but, see that image above?  Yeah, it’s a door mat.  Door mat.  A mat.  Get it.  As in Matt.  You know… Matt.   Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?    {crickets}  

MORE ON THE REVEAL
I want to revisit what Mike and I first talked about when I asked for the date night with Matt.  I wrote previously that I surprised myself in that once I recognized it was something I would like to do, I did not hesitate to ask Mike.  I wasn’t apprehensive or fearful.  To add to that, I don’t think at any other time in our marriage I would have been so calm and confident about such things.  I believe it reflects the level of “oneness” Mike and I are currently experiencing. 

I admitted to Mike that I am infatuated with Matt.  That “puppy love” type feeling that I haven’t felt since I started dating Mike eons ago.  By the way, this feeling isn’t just emotional.  The feelings are chemical. 

LOVE DRUGGED
When you are at the “infatuation” stage of a relationship, your body produces higher levels of norepinephrine and dopamine.  And those chemicals feel good! 

Typically when you come down from the “puppy love” drugs, your body then pumps you with vasopressin and oxytocin.  Basically they feel pretty good too and assist with producing an “attachment” type feeling.  They can help create a bond that further cements the relationship.   Love is indeed a drug!  

Ever have that feeling of, “I don’t understand why I am so attracted to that person, I know they are no good for me?”  Well, it’s hard to fight the natural feel good drugs in your system that the person somehow triggers in you. 

That concludes this public service announcement.  Now back to our regular program.

BACK TO OUR DISCUSSION
So here are more details on the discussion that transpired between Mike and I when I asked to date Matt.  Mike was not upset by my revelation.  He grinned and nodded his head, “Yeah, I can see how you would like him.”  He asked me how I felt about it.  I said it was hard to describe as it was so foreign to me and I asked, “What did you feel when Kayla came into our relationship?”

He said that my reactions and support regarding Kayla gave him the confidence to  pursue things with her.  He never felt guilty per se, but there were times he wanted to show me extra attention, love, reassurance.  He didn’t think of it as being driven by guilt over Kayla, but by his love for me, but it’s hard to say for sure.  Ultimately, my acceptance was the most important part of making him comfortable with it.

Yeah, I can relate to that.  I sensed Mike was going to be supportive and that is important to me.  If he had any reservations, I would not not pursue this.

Mike said he was not completely surprised by my request.  He had a hunch something was brewing.  He noticed something in watching me with Matt and said he saw it the first he watched us have sex.  With John the sex is more mechanical – just sex – and Mike enjoys watching me experience that.   But with Matt, Mike saw that there was more tenderness from the start,  a hint of a bond between us – and Mike was thrilled in watching me experience that.  

Mike said it surprised him that I didn’t seem that enthusiastic when we first talked about how I felt about the sex.  I had a “take it or leave it” attitude about it.  I liked Matt okay, and I was happy that Mike enjoyed it so much.  I’ll do it for Mike and the sex wasn’t bad  Yep, that was my attitude.  However, Mike said my attitude didn’t seem to match my body language.  Mike said he sensed a bit of a “spark” between Matt and I and it especially showed during the sex.  Unlike with John, I was really into it. 

In hindsight I agree with Mike’s observation, but at the time I chalked it up to the naughtiness of it all.  I was feeding off Mike’s delight over it.  Or so I thought.  Maybe I was and things changed, or maybe I just thought I was and was suppressing the attraction.  No matter.  We’re here now.  

Mike asked me what I envisioned in a relationship with Matt.   

“I don’t know.  No vision really.  Just enjoy and see where it goes.  A lot depends on how Matt acts and behaves.  Now that you approve, I plan to have a discussion with Matt and maybe you should talk to him to make sure we stay on the same page.”

Mike thought for a bit and at first said, “Yes, the three of us should get together and talk about it.”  But then he said, “You know, nix that.  It may be intimidating to Matt if I try to impose certain behaviors.  You are both adults.  I’d like to see how your relationship evolves on its own.  It’s not like I won’t be around.”

This led Mike to state he wants us to alternate between Matt’s place and our house regarding where we have sex.  This is where Mike also gave me some rules regarding keeping him informed throughout the date and calling him after I have sex.

WHAT I SEE IN MATT
Mike had asked me what it was that I like about Matt.  For starters, some of Matt’s peculiarities that remind me of him – there are just certain mannerisms he has that are Mike-like.  As for differences, Matt kind of reminds me of a lost puppy.  He still seems a bit traumatized by his divorce.  He is not self assured like Mike.  My compassion just oozes out to want to help Matt.  

I am keenly aware of my proclivity to want to fix people.  I don’t see Matt as someone who needs fixing.  He isn’t broken, just a bit shaken and down on himself.  The person I have seen thus far has a lot to offer.  Kind, caring, compassionate and witty.   He doesn’t appear to have any unhealthy vices (drinking, drugs, gambling) other than this one vice about sleeping with his friends wife. (ha!).  I see glimpses of a confident Matt.  It’s like this egg shell of doubt that already has lots of cracks.  No, he doesn’t need fixing, just a little chisel and polish to bring back the original Matt.   

Matt tends to be very closed, not forthcoming in showing his vulnerabilities… but he wiill if you prod him a little.  I get a lot of satisfaction each time he opens up a little more.  I wouldn’t say I am in love with him.  Perhaps I will be.  But I am attracted to him, infatuated by him…yes, there is a passion for being with him and of course, the sex.  I enjoy his company.  

THE SEX WITH MATT
Mike was clear with me from the beginning that he didn’t have any specific rules for me regarding sex with Matt.  If I was comfortable doing it, “Go for it,” was his exact words.  And as I shared before, I tell Mike all the details of what Matt and I do.   Mike recently asked me a pretty loaded question.  “Of the things you do with Matt that you do with me, what you like better from Matt than from me?”   

Ouch.  He really wants to go there.  Eject, eject, eject!  Just kidding.  I didn’t hesitate to answer honestly.

The first thing that came to mind is simply the thrill of the unknown.  I still don’t know what Matt may do and the uncertainty adds some fire to the moment.   The sense of adventure and even the awkwardness we both have as we learn each other’s likes and dislikes.  All of that adds an emotion that gives it an extra spark.  In Mike-style wit, Mike responded with, “So in other words, what makes it good is that it simply isn’t me.”  Hey, that’s not what I said!

The next thing isn’t that it is better than something Mike and I do, but just different. (Luckily Mike allowed the “not better, just different” loophole to stand).  

I am a lot louder with Matt. At home I always felt the need to be a little restrained so not to wake the kids.  I think years of this has conditioned me to not be too loud with Mike, even if no kids are around.  In addition, sex at home pretty much means in our bed, because sex on the kitchen table doesn’t work with kids in the house.  So yeah, 25-ish years of sexual habits have conditioned me to be a certain way with Mike.  I can forget that conditioning when I am with Matt.

In addition to louder, I am just more vocal.  With Matt, I will tell him “fuck me right here,” whether still in his doorway, on the kitchen table, living room floor, or wherever.  The air of the illicitness of it all adds to the passion.  Part of that I blame on Mike – he started it.  Mike likes to talk dirty to me when he watches me have sex with Matt, and he gets me to respond in kind.  Now, even when Mike isn’t there, I just have this need to scream those things to Matt.  After all, it’s important to maintain precedent!   That’s my explanation and I am sticking to it! 

Actually, it also helps when you first start having sex with someone that you communicate what feels good.  It also helps Matt overcome some of the hesitancy he has because I am Mike’s wife.  Although each time we’ve had sex he seems to be less and less hesitant about anything.  I’ll keep being loud just in case, tee hee. 

And the elephant in the room, ahem, okay, not quite THAT big. . . yes, Matt has a big penis, bigger than Mike’s, bigger than anyone I’ve been with (8.4 inches).  It’s nice to look at, but honestly, I don’t really feel any difference other than when it is in my mouth.  BTW, I can’t take him all in…sorry, not a skill I’ve honed.  Anyway, yes, nice to look at.  The visual conjures up thoughts of amazing orgasmic sensations, but you can’t judge a book by it’s cover… or in this case, the orgasmic intensity by the size of the dick.   That’s my experience anyway, you’re welcome to differ in the comments!

In all honesty, there isn’t anyone better at sex than Mike.  No one can match the feeling I get from being with him.  Sure I can feel some differences and get satisfaction from those differences, but nothing is better than sex with my husband.   And frankly, it is probably 80% mental/emotional and only 20% physical that makes that statement true.   For me, sex with my lifetime  partner is tops!    

So that’s pretty much it.  Mike and I do share everything.   Try having that conversation with your significant other, I dare you!

WHAT’S NEXT WITH MATT
It’s been two weeks since that initial “date request.”  Matt and I have gone out twice.  We went back to his place for sex and then I came home.   And just yesterday Mike set my official date night with Matt to be on Tuesdays.  So if you keeping score, with Mike’s new edict, one Tuesday Matt and I go out and return to his place, and the next Tuesday we go out and return to mine.

I’ve had great discussions with Matt regarding my expectations and his.  I believe we are on the same page, as well as one can ascertain such things at this point.  And clearly Mike and I are on the same page.  So I think we are off to a proper start, as evidenced by Mike’s next suggestion. 

OVERNIGHTS?
“Jen, would you like to spend the night at Matt’s when your date nights end at his place?” 

Yep, Mike just asked me that last night.  It would have be easy to say, “Whatever you like, Sir.” or even just an “Okay, Sir,” but those answers aren’t acceptable.  When Mike asks me something it isn’t because he wants me to agree (he doesn’t need my agreement).  He wants to know how I feel.  It took many spankings over quite a long time to make me finally break my habit and understand that when asked for my opinion, “Okay” is not an answer.    

I thanked him for offering this and told him I would like that.  We will give J a cover story that I had an early doctor’s appointment.  So it’s settled.  Next Tuesday I go on a sleep over! 

MAID SERVICE?
Mike then added, “And can Matt use some help at his apartment?  Cleaning, laundry, stuff like that?”  I responded that I suppose he could and I stated that this sounded like a step towards being submissive to Matt (I already shared with Mike that I am not looking for that).  Mike said he wasn’t asking me to be, but thought it would be yet another bonding opportunity if I performed some acts of service for Matt – not out of submission, but out of caring.

I expressed concern with it taking away from my current duties and obligations in our own household.  I am already extremely busy meeting those commitments. Mike paused for a moment then responded, “On the nights you spend with Matt, in the morning I want you to prepare him breakfast and after he goes to work I want you to stay and clean his apartment.  You can leave there at noon.” 

“Yes, Sir.”

WHERE’S THE GREAT COMMUNICATION IN THAT?
There are differences in our communication depending on the situation.  For instance, I might bring something up to him at any time that prompts a meaningful discussion. These “somethings” are ideas or thoughts I am having about something we haven’t discussed before, such as my request for a date night with Matt.

Then there are the discussions that lead to Mike making a decision and stating what he wants.  At that point the discussion is over.  I am not to argue, plead, or hesitate when he states something in a declarative way.  I am to simply obey.  I can use our next Maintenance Session to respectfully express my concerns. 

I’ve learned to be attuned to how Mike states something.  He is typically very clear when he is soliciting my feedback and when he isn’t.  And when he isn’t, it is my duty to obey without question.  I like that.  Every time he states something in a commanding way, I get a little tingle in my tickle-spot. 

WHAT WILL I SAY AT MAINTENANCE? 
I’ve learned to think before I speak.  So let’s look at the evidence.  In this case, we had agreement that he was not expecting me to be submissive to Matt, no need to reiterate that.  I stated my concern about performing my own household duties, so no need to repeat that either  (repeating the same plea could result in discipline).  The thing I think I will bring up at Maintenance is that at first Mike said he wanted my relationship with Matt to evolve on its own.  Now here he is, imposing things.  That’s it!

Now, I have to think carefully about how to word my concern.  I can’t ever phrase things in a way that sound like I am saying “got ya’, so there!”  Very disrespectful.   I know Mike is coming from a loving place, but I really want to know if his general approach is going to be hands off or not.  It is just that… wait, hold on.  You know what?  This is why I love writing.  Epiphany!

It doesn’t matter that Mike said he wanted to just “see how it evolved.”  He is always free to modify anything he says.  He doesn’t have to forever commit to that statement.  And I shouldn’t expect him to give a commitment on how he wants to handle this.  Heck, I can’t even commit to how I will handle this.  It’s too new.  

I shouldn’t have put so much weight on his statement of “let’s see how your relationship evolves on it’s own.”  He said it in the context of having a face-to-face three way discussion about ground rules.  He didn’t say it in the context that he wasn’t ever going to be involved, in fact he ended it with, “it’s not like I won’t be around.”

This is what I love about my DD!  

It may not seem like it, but what I am sharing here is huge.   Think of it this way — Suspend the fact that pre-DD Jenny wouldn’t be talking to Mike about date night rules with another man – just pretend that little fact doesn’t apply.   Okay, got it?  Great.

Here’s how I imagine pre-submissive Jenny would have dealt with this —  When Mike said to clean Matt’s place, pre-submissive Jenny would say, “I already said I have too much to do.  What are you going to take away from my responsibilities here so that I can tend to Matt?  And you’re exact words were ‘let’s see how your relationship evolves on it’s own.’  Well, now you are sticking your nose in and telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing for Matt.  Make up your mind!”

A far cry from “Yes, Sir.”

So what will I say at Maintenance?   Nothing. 

I am good.  I’ll adjust my calendar as best as I can and like always, if I run into challenges in meeting my Duties and Obligations, I’ll talk to Mike.  My tending to Matt’s place is as important as any other Duty and Obligation because Mike wishes it.  That’s good enough for me.

AND EVEN MORE WHAT’S NEXT?
Lastly, this morning Mike told me to think of ideas to spend more time with Matt.  Mike said he feels if it is all just “dinner and a fuck” (his words), that I won’t really be getting to know him better. He told me to talk to Matt and come back with suggestion.   “Yes, Sir.”

I’ll talk to Matt.  Here are some things that come to mind:

• Perhaps I spend all day on a weekend with him.  Not sure how my schedule can swing that or what kind of cover story we can come up with J. 
• Maybe he comes to our house more often…dinner and hang out, stuff like that.  Not great one-on-one time, but it isn’t always about one-on-one stuff.  Sharing mundane daily life can be bonding. 
• Maybe we go somewhere together?  I am not opposed to it, but I really don’t want to be away from Mike and J like that.  I can handle an overnight, but a weekend or something like that?   I don’t think so.   And Mike would definitely have to give me special dispensation from my Duties and Obligations. 

We’ll see.  Mike asked me for ideas on how to spend more time with Matt, not for excuses on why I shouldn’t.  

Enough Matt-talk.  Did you know that my husband sometimes spanks me?  Yes, shocking isn’t it.  You may not know that from my recent posts.  Maybe it’s time to share about a punishment or two?   Next post?     

Next: 246. Subconsciousness of Wrong

 

 

 

202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

There are several things I want to write about.  I want to “unpack” some emotions and reflections on my misbehavior per my prior post.  I also want to talk about Kayla and what she was referring to in the statement she made (also from my prior post).   So, with that, I think I’ll start with something else completely. HA HA!

QUARTERLY GOAL
Our new DD Contract provides for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me.  “Such goals are to be focused on Jennifer’s self improvement…”   As I shared, Mike’s first goal for me was to lose 18 pounds by January 18.  The Quarterly Goal falls under the Respect Mike as Head of Household subsection of our Obedience clause.  Missing the goal would result in a punishment since it would be disobedient of me to fail.

18.3 pounds to be exact.  I started at 153.3 pounds, goal is 135. I am 136.8

I am confident I’ll make it.  The pounds have come off more slowly lately but 1.8 pounds in two weeks is doable.   Mike is going to weigh me three times on the 18th (morning, afternoon, and evening) and take an average.  Oh, in case you are wondering, I am 5’6″.  By the way, I weighed between 160-165 for most of my 40’s.  I slowly lost weight about the time our DD started in 2015.  I wasn’t dieting or focusing on it.  It was the byproduct of simply taking better care of myself and being more active.

I feel great and found it easier to lose than I anticipated.  I think my submissive mindset helped.  It also helped that Mike held me to an exercise regimen else I could be punished – I always kept to my exercise schedule.  Also, Mike made me ask him for permission if I wanted a treat — an occasional cookie or whatever.  I never had to ask because I never wanted such treats.  

HOLD ON, DID YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND MADE YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
I feel compelled to share my thoughts on Mike’s choice of weight loss as my first goal.  If you think the topic of being a submissive wife isn’t incendiary enough, throw in a husband’s demands about their wife’s appearance and you have a very incendiary topic.  It reeks of self-serving misogyny,  a furthering of the chauvinistic patriarchy.   It serves to objectify women which deepens the blame women get for the lustful and licentious urges of men.  It promotes women as vixens, as sirens, as monsters.

Or not.   Yeah, I guess it could be all those things, or could just be that Mike has a preference regarding my appearance and I am happy to oblige. 

My submission is about Mike’s preferences; mundane preferences regarding the household or bigger topics like sex, my behavior, or even about my personal appearance and weight.   I’ve loved the new “dress code” and I love the thinner me.  And it’s not like I am thin.  I am a good weight, not thin, not to fat.

If Mike were to ask me to lose more I would consider it, but could “veto.”  We agreed that I can use a safe word on any Quarterly Goal if I felt I could not handle it or it became too burdensome to continue.  As for the next Quarterly Goal, well, Mike hasn’t said what he has in mind.

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE?
If you recall, Mike committed to losing 12 himself.  He didn’t have to but said he wanted to provide a “supportive” environment.  Well, he is falling short.  He has lost eight and I don’t see four coming off in the next two weeks.  Obviously there is no consequences for him other than I win bragging rights.   Now is that fair?   

FAIRNESS IN D/s
I first wrote about the concept of fairness in D/s in Post 136. Submitted Wife.  I’ll try not to repeat myself.

Is it fair that Mike does not have to suffer consequences for not meeting his weight commitment?   In fact, is it fair that he doesn’t have consequences for any of his mistakes or negative behavior?  Why should I get spanked while he gets off without even a slap on the wrist?   D/s seems inherently unfair.

I imagine this idea of “unfairness” is hard for some new submisssives to accept.  To those who see it as unfiar I say that D/s is very fair.  Any idea of unfairness, while understandable, is framed in a distorted view of what “fair” means.       

I believe those who see it as unfair are confusing Fairness with Sameness.  Yes, roles and responsibilities are not the same in D/s, but that doesn’t make them inherently unfair.  I have taken on a unique role in our household, and Mike also has a unique role.  They are not the same, they require different types of commitments, thus must be judged by different criteria.  They both have consequences, but those consequences are different.

It has happened many times where I have been punished for a behavior that Mike has been guilty of too.  That is not the point.  His behavior is not in question with the roles and responsibilities we have established.   His behavior is not relevant to my Duties and Obligations – Duties and Obligations that I helped create and that I committed to.  It is no different from if some other woman behaved contrary to my rules.  So what!?!!?  It is not relevant to my performance of my Duties and Obligations.

Mike has said that punishing me for behaviors he is guilty of actually has an impact on him.  He does reflect on it and it gives him resolve to not repeat it.  But that is a by-product of a healthy D/s relationship.  It isn’t a stated requirement.

And consider that Mike has his own set of duties and obligations that differ from mine.  He has to consider the impact of his decisions.  The impact on me, on Kayla, on our relationship.  It is a big responsibility.  He has to make difficult decisions, such as what occurred in the last post, knowing those decisions could anger or disappoint me or Kayla.  With power comes great responsibility.

Yes, I find it fair that Mike is subject to his own self-discipline regarding his behavior, and that I am subject to his physical discipline regarding mine.   That’s how D/s works.  Sure, corporal punishment is the technique used to guide my behavior and reduce conflict, but that reduction in conflict gives space to love, adoration, respect, and fulfillment.  The “Discipline” in Domestic Discipline is love. Sounds fair to me.

NEXT: 203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

193. Lovebirds and spankings

A quick Kayla and Michaud update and then a rapid fire account of some discipline I received recently.

LOVEBIRDS
Kayla and Michaud continue their real-world-platonic / virtual-sex relationship.  They hang out quite a bit, but Kayla is conscientious of her studies and her duties at home, albeit slightly reduced duties. Overall she is balancing everything very well.  

We’ve all been tested and some results are in (all negative as expected). Mike’s and Kayla’s should be in today or tomorrow.  I know it takes some of the romance out of it, but, although unspoken, it is clear to everyone that this weekend should mark their first time having sex with each other.  It will mark a further deepening of their relationship.  A relationship that is clearly different than most and that has me fascinated, thus my fixation on sharing every detail.   (Thank you, Kayla, for allowing me to do so). 

By the way, although Michaud has an apartment (and a male roommate), Kayla has no plans to stay there overnight any time soon.  A girl’s got to have limits!   She already told Michaud “no overnights.”  She didn’t say it would necessarily be forever, but she wanted to hold that out for a possibility in the future if the relationship continues to flourish. 

Mike and I liked this idea.  Mike could have made this decision for her, but he specifically said he isn’t looking to prohibit what Kayla wants for herself regarding this relationship.  Kayla must keep us informed,and many things must be discussed.  But the focus is on understanding her desires and helping her with the potential challenges. It is not about trying to impose limits. She is 23 and can handle her own relationships.  Kayla is happy with this arrangement but made it clear she wants to be accountable to Mike for her behaviors and desires regarding her relationship with Michaud.  

MY DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE
Oh yeah, this is mainly a blog about me and my DD, not Kayla.   Boring, right? My stuff is old news.  Yawn.   Well, sorry, I am still writing about it. 

After a really good start under our latest Contract, I have found I have fumbled a bit more lately.  Mainly because Mike gave me a bit of a grace period to fully incorporate a lot of my new Duties and Obligations.  That grace period is over.  

ASKING VERSUS TELLING
My Contract requires that I shall not refer to requests made by Mike as “requests” or as being “asked” to do something.  I am to refer to such requests as “orders,” “instructions,” “demands,” or as Mike “telling” me something.   This applies to the blog as well. 

Mike went through what I’ve posted since the new contract started.  He found four references where I wrote of him “asking” me things.  The only exception he has given me is if he is actually posing a question.  I am thankful for that because it would be clunky to say or write a question as a command.  For example, if he asked me, “Where would you like to go this weekend?” I would have to say or write “Mike commanded me to tell him where I would like to go this weekend”  Luckily he said I could pose actual questions he had as being “asked” by him.  But when it comes to things he wants me to do, those are never to be portrayed as him “asking.”

SPANK! And I had to write 40 lines, 10 for each error he found.

FAKE IT UNTIL MAINTENANCE
I earned a spanking one day as Mike felt I was being “less than joyful” about my homemaker duties.  I said something in a negative manner about needing to get some laundry done.  I spoke in a “frustrated and stress filled tone.” 

I am not to communicate to anyone that my homemaker duties are a burden or inconvenience, let alone communicate that to Mike.  If indeed I am feeling overwhelmed by these duties or anything, I can speak to Mike about it at a Maintenance Session.   

SPANK! And, as is becoming the norm, anything related to words I say also come with a mouth soaping. 

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. / Public Spanking!
Mike and I were talking to a sales rep at a store when my cell phone rang.  Mike was mid-sentence, explaining something that he wanted my feedback on and as a reflex, I answered the phone without any thought.  As soon as I said, “Hello,” I realized I messed up.  I promptly said I would call them back and hung up.  I said, “Sorry, Sir, I shouldn’t have answered, you were saying?”

I figured I was in for a spanking when we got home, but Mike had other ideas.  He finished what he was saying, and the conversation continued for a bit, but he clearly looked annoyed.  He then told the sales associate that we needed to “attend to something” and would be right back.

SPANK!   But, in this case, I’ll share the details, because it was atypical.  I’ve only been spanked a few times in public.  Not that anyone saw, but, well, read on . . . 

He clasped his hand across my wrist and clearly “led” me as he briskly and with purpose walked me out.  I was very aware that anyone paying attention could clearly see something was wrong, like a mad parent dragging their unruly child out of the store.  Only difference was that Mike’s look was determined, but not mad.  And other than pursing my lips and looking guilty, there wasn’t anything unruly about me.  While I sense no one paid attention to us at all, I still felt like I was being paraded through the store on a walk of shame.  Even though I knew I was in for some sort of punishment, there was a part of me that found this exhilarating.

It was a fairly crowded parking lot.  I remained silent as he led me to the car and told me to get in the back.  He backed out of the spot and drove to a new spot in a more isolated part of the parking lot.  There were still plenty of cars around us, but clearly a quieter part of the parking lot. 

He opened the back door and told me to lay down on the back seats, stomach down.  He then reached into the car, pulled up my skirt, and pulled down and completely removed my panties. He then closed the back door and he entered the car in the front.  He grabbed his “car stick,” from under the seat,  reached over from the front seat to the back of the car, and struck my bottom about 15 times with a medium force, akin to some warm up swats.

The “car stick” is a non-descript  piece of wood that wouldn’t necessarily be construed as a paddle that Mike keeps in the car just for situations like this.  Since it is just a piece of wood it gives us plausible deniability if someone asks what it is. “Oh, that piece of wood, how did that get left in there,” is our scripted response if asked by kids or anyone else. 

After the initial set of spankings, he lectured me on how disrespectful I was.  He then spanked me very hard several times.  He stopped for moment, looked around, and seeing everything was clear, spanked me hard several more times.   My eyes were watery and my nose got a bit runny, but it wasn’t an actual cry.  Sort of cry-ish.  He then told me to pull down my skirt and leave my panties off.

As he led me back to the store he told me I must apologize to the sales associate.  Oh – I didn’t mention – the sales associate was a young woman, maybe 20-ish.  She looked younger than Kayla.  While I got a bit of a thrill demonstrating my submissiveness by apologizing to Mike and calling him “Sir” in front of  her, the thought of apologizing to her freaked me out a little.

We went into the store and found the sales associate we were working with.  I felt like my eyes had dried but I wasn’t sure.  I was thankful for my conservative skirt.  I have exhibition fantasies but this wasn’t the place for a pussy-slip or to show my ass.  I wasn’t sure what Mike was expecting me to say to the associate.  When she came up to us I  told her, “Ma’am, I am sorry for the interruption I caused when my husband was speaking.  He would like to continue the conversation now.”

She paused for a few seconds, as if she was trying to process what they heck I was doing.  She snapped out of the mini-trance and said slowly, with small gaps between each word, “Oh, that’s quite alright, no need to apologize.”  And she looked to Mike and said in the same, gap-filled manner, “So, you were saying…?” 

I would love to go back to the store and ask her what her perceptions are regarding what happened.  I guess I’ll never know.

When we left the store Mike told me my discipline was not over.  He told me to go to my room when we got home as he would spank me one more time, administer a mouth soaping, and give me time in the corner to reflect with my triple clamps (nipples and clit) tightly fastened.

I have received an awful lot of soapings lately.  And yes, they all come with the “special rinse.”  I get that a soaping is very symbolic when the disobedience has something to do with what I say or don’t say, but I am beginning to dread them.  It seems like even up to a  day or two later I will occasionally get this phantom soap taste in my mouth.

I am taking these slip ups well.  I previously wrote that the thought of messing up was really disconcerting to me. I so much want to serve Mike in the ways in which I have agreed to serve him.   But the successes so far outweigh the failures that I’ve been okay with the handful of errors.  I don’t like them.  I’d prefer not to have them, but perfection is not realistic.  I am loving our new agreement and being so attuned to following and serving Mike.

Oh, and my weight loss is up to 4.5 pounds in three weeks.  Almost half a pound ahead of schedule.  Just 13.5 to go over 10 weeks.  I am stepping up the exercise but will need to do more as Thanksgiving is right around the corner!

NEXT:  194. Primal Scream!!
  

129. Submissive ramble : Vulnerability. Respect or Love?

In re-reading this post, it is a bit of mess.  I repeat myself a bit and ramble a bit.  I just wasn’t satisfied I was articulating what I wanted, but, I tired of editing and rewriting it and figured that any repetition or rambling was simply a testament to how much I love and appreciate Mike, so much so that sometimes I had to say it twice, or, struggled to find words to bound my thoughts.  Hard to do when your love and appreciation is boundless!

SECRET SAUCE?
I’ve had several discussions with Mike lately about how he is feeling as a Dom and asked him to reflect on our journey from his perspective.   I was prompted to ask him this as I realized I have sort of taken him for granted throughout this journey.   From the beginning this lifestyle was something I wanted and basically expected him to follow.    The discussions with Mike served to further my commitment to this lifestyle and for all the great things that it does for me and for Mike.  In fact, for me, Mike’s feedback helped cement what the “secret sauce” is that brings fulfillment to a Dominant/Submissive relationship.  And amazingly, that sauce is available for everyone, even those not inclined to go the route of Domestic Discipline. 

VULNERABILITY.
The secret sauce is simply, vulnerability.  Although I dedicated an entire post to the value of vulnerability, (Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble), I still didn’t fully extol its’ virtues.   Vulnerability is the essence of why a life of submission has been so rewarding for me, and a life as a Dominant so rewarding for Mike.   Yes, vulnerability has rewarded him as well.  

In talking with John, Donna, and Kayla, they all agreed that vulnerability is where it’s at.  And YOU can have it with our without Domestic Discipline.

Simply be the total and complete authentic YOU.  Share your passing thoughts, naughty or nice, share your dreams, desires, fears, loves, likes, and dislikes.  Share EVERYTHING about your body.   Allow someone to see, inspect, and critique any and everything about you.  Opening up so thoroughly and completely leaves you extremely vulnerable.   It’s super scary, and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.   As I said in Post 67, if you are with someone who you deem unworthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps that aren’t worthy of you.

VULNERABILITY OF A DOM?
What I realized in talking to Mike is that he too has had to make himself vulnerable.  I mentioned before he is typically a pretty passive guy – easy-going.  Having to articulate his desires and having to risk being thought of in a negative way, by me or by Kayla, is also super scary and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.

I think most people assume that the level of vulnerability required for the sub is significantly greater than what is required of the Dom.  I am not so sure.  In part it depends on the general personality pre-D/s.   In my case I was the more domineering and Mike was more submissive.  Not in the kink sense, but in that I tended to assert my wishes and get my way while Mike tended to be more accommodating and would often defer to me.    While it may appear I had the greater challenge, remember that I was the one who asked that we give this lifestyle a try.  I went into it eagerly and with gusto.  Mike was basically just being Mike and accommodating my wishes.   So his journey as a Dom was challenging for him.

Let me state that this is not a competition. It serves no value to try to tabulate the merits of the journey a sub takes in relation to what a Dom takes and declare a vulnerability “winner.” My point is to simply illustrate that it has been a transition for Mike and that it required him to be vulnerable.  Clearly, not in a “time to be inspected/ time to clean / time to be spanked / time to serve / time to submit sexually” way.   But, demanding things of others does expose someone to being ridiculed or disliked because of their demands.   Especially when those demands have to do with sex.  

Mike said he did find it hard to exert his wishes.  At first he stuck pretty close to the letter of the things I prescribed in the contract, then slowly branched out and used more discretion in decided what he wanted or what he would do.  Then along came Kayla. He said Kayla was wanting so much more from him and while he enjoyed (and enjoys) being the Dom she sought, it wasn’t easy.   I wrote that during her immersion there were times I worried that Mike was going too far.   Well, he had the same doubts. He said it would really hurt if he was told he went too far, and exposing all his wants, from day-to-day things to the more prurient interests, left him with a sense of vulnerability.  

Mike says he has grown to love the role of the Dom and it shows.  He is bolder and more authoritarian.   His orders, expectations, and punishments come more quickly and firmly than before.    He doesn’t hesitate to tell me (or Kayla) what he wants from us (the non sexual stuff). And he doesn’t hesitate to tell us what he wants sexually.   And to complete this fulfilling circle, the more dominant he has become, the greater I am fulfilled (and Kayla too).  

Mike told me that it has influenced him at work. He is more decisive than ever before.  In his words, “I am bold, but not a bully.”   He communicates more clearly regarding expectations.  Basically, all the leadership stuff that he has always done well — he is doing even better.  

You might think, “how hard can it be to order your wife to lick the asshole of his girlfriend?”  Well, it requires a lot vulnerability the first time you ask for that! (not dismissing the vulnerability in being the licker or the lickee).   But after a number of every escalating kinky orders, he has all the confidence that I will comply in just about anything he asks (as will Kayla) and do so eagerly.  

Mike also said that while he never felt disrespected in our relationship, he now feels respected every moment of every day.  He said he was embarrassed to admit that he has found that respect to be like a drug.   Knowing that his every wish and every need will be respected is mind-boggling for him.   He says he finds it so fulfilling to not only be so completely respected, but to see how fulfilling it is to me and Kayla to give that respect.     

Choose one: Respect or Love?
It ties into something I read somewhere that, if given a choice between respect or love, most men choose respect and most women choose love.  I am sure there are many who disagree, and I am sure it varies by individual.  And i am not saying it is right or that is should be that way. It is just one of those axioms that resonate with my experiences in life.    

I am fulfilled through respecting every whim, dream, and desire that Mike has by serving him in every way he can imagine.   It’s great to know he is fulfilled too.   

NEXT: 130. Growing our Joy Box. XXX-mas in April.

.    

 

15. My first Day. 100 spankings of thanks.

There’s a lot of detail I want to share about my first punishment.  It will help you understand a typical day, plus there were a lot of extra emotions and issues that come with it being the first time I would be punished.  Also,  you may have to read my blog about the contract to understand some terms I use.

Mike and I tried to prepare ourselves for the first Reward Ceremony.  We talked about it and I imagined it as being extremely orderly and precise.  I had a lot of confidence in what I painstakingly thought through and that we agreed upon.  At this time all my doubts were on his ability to deliver the Rewards and no doubts about my ability to accept them.  I was ready, but questioned his readiness.

Day 1.
Usual morning.  Mike gets up before me and is off to work about the time our son is waking up, which is typically my cue to wake up.  Yes, I don’t make Mike breakfast – that was never our dynamic. My DD is about being more accountable to what was important to me and to us and not about finding more shit for me to do.

Mike’s office is close to the house and he sometimes works all or some days from home.  This morning he was going into the office but planned to be back for lunch. Our son would be away at school.

Mike comes home just before noon.  All is “normal.”  I share with him a story of something that happened that morning at breakfast, and suddenly he says,

“Go to your room.”
I was stunned.  I stood their baffled and said, “What?”
He calmly repeated.  “Go to your room.”

Again, I am clueless and all these thoughts raced through my head. What the hell did I do? Is this all a mistake, because if Mike can just make shit up, this isn’t going to work.  OMG, I am going to get spanked and everything I thought this was going to do for us was a mirage and all this time and energy was a waste and OMG, I am going to get spanked.

“uh, wha…uh, uh… okay,” I muttered, keeping those thoughts to myself as I walked towards our room.

I am not a big crier, but I found myself crying as I walked to our room.  It was out of disappointment that this whole DD idea that I had invested so much time and energy in and had so much high hopes for, was not just off to a bad start, but was never going to work.  However, the one calming factor in that moment was that Mike was calm.  This gave me some reassurance that I needed to trust him.  I also started to feel embarrassed and disappointed in myself as the night before I was doubting Mike on his ability to follow through and was very arrogant in my ability to do so.  Now here I was with all the doubts and hesitations, not even knowing what I did and he was calm and resolved.

I was still sobbing as I undressed and stood in the corner.  Mike didn’t come in for about five minutes, which felt like an eternity.

Mike broke “protocol” a bit by trying to comfort me since I was crying.  He asked if I wanted to proceed.  I feebly told him “yes, please, let’s do this,” and reassured him that it was just nerves.

He called me over and I stood before him and he asked me why we were there.   I honestly did not know. I was simply sharing a story about that morning, and now here we are.  Damn, does he remember that not knowing my Transgression is grounds for Additional Rewards?

Mike then explained that I had not been honest in my story.
“What, what are you talking about?”  I couldn’t help myself and blurted that out.

Mike pointed out something I said at the beginning of the story and something I said at the end.  To summarize, I started my story by characterizing what happened as being a “huge” ordeal that made a “massive” mess.  At the end of my story Mike asked me if it took a long time to clean up.  I said, no, it was just a little mess.  So, here we are in the room and Mike rhetorically asked, “Which one was it, was it a huge mess all over everything, or just a little one?”

He now lectured me.  He was very calm and matter of fact.  He reminded me that I specifically asked for help with my “embellishments.” I recognized I had that bad habit when telling stories.  While I felt my motives were pure, I knew it caused some friends and family to not always believe me.  Thus, I had specifically put “embellishment” in the Honesty clause.  Wow, there it was.  Mike called it perfectly, just as I had hoped the night before.

But I kept crying.  However, my emotions shifted to tears of relief, hope, and vindication for all the work I put into this, and sadness for doubting Mike, and love for Mike’s resolve and love for me to see this through.  In an instant I went from doubting DD to once again feeling like DD still held promise.

Now Mike said there was still more Transgressions and asked if I recalled them.  I realized there were three. The embellishment, the questioning of him, and the not recognizing the reason he called me to our room.   I eagerly recited them.

“No, there are five,” Mike responded.  “You talked back and hesitated when I first told you to go to the room.” 

Okay, I remembered those now, so I said, “I see. Those two make it five.”

He joked, “Well, I was just counting the talking back and hesitation as one, but technically it is two. Tell you what, for first time sake, we’ll just have that count as one.  There is still one more.  The bed’s not made.”

Crap, I hadn’t even noticed.  We have a long standing “ritual” that the last one out of bed has to make it.  While it wasn’t explicit in the contract, it definitely fell under the cleanliness clause.  Wow, Mike wasn’t missing anything.

I gave my apology for not living up to the standards I set for myself and told him I would gladly accept the Reward he is about to give me.  That statement ends with, “Please give me my Reward now.”
I have vivid memories of the first time I said it as part of a Reward.  It had a lot more power to it than I imaged it would.  It was like a statement of having pride of ownership.  Yes, I messed up.  Yes, I didn’t act as I wished I had.  Yes, give me my reward as I asked for it.  In saying the words my tears began to dry up as I was no longer nervous.

He pulled out a chair, sat down, and I laid across his lap.  We fumbled a bit to find the right position that was comfortable for him and that kept my balance.  It was a bit comedic, and the comedy relief helped even more to calm the nerves.  He lectured me a bit more, recapping what brought us here.  He was spot in in his lecture and really showed me he was listening to all the things I said were important to me.  He didn’t lecture me on my actions, but that what brought us here was not fulfilling the commitments I made to myself.  Mike was handling it like a “pro.”

Here come the warm-up swats.
The 10 warm up swats came in rapid succession but I can recall my thoughts in the half-seconds between them.  My thoughts went something like this:

Swat!  The first one made me jump, not because it was particularly hard, but I just didn’t know what to expect.  My body said “flinch” but my mind was like, “that wasn’t’ anything.”

Swat!  Okay, just a little flinching this time, and still in the nanosecond before the next one my mind was still saying, “That wasn’t anything.”

Swat!  Swat!  Swat!   No flinching anymore, but I was beginning to understand it.  Spanks were sort of a cumulative thing.  They still didn’t hurt, per se, but I could feel a little bit more sting.

Swat! Swat! Swat!   Hey, that does sting a little.

Swat! Swat!   Okay, so, a little sting and some increased sensation to my butt, but not bad.   I guess that’s why these are called warm ups.

Here come the Reward Swats
My mind began to race with what would be next.  Five Transgressions including Obedience Transgressions which we agreed should be dealt with more significantly.  Mike didn’t say what the Reward was (he doesn’t have to).  Was I going to get just a lot of Common Rewards, an escalated Reward, or gulp, an Intense Reward on my first Ceremony?   After all, no one was home and he didn’t have to rush to work, so, we could be here a while.  The not knowing was more of a punishment than the warm up was.  And since this was our first one, it would be setting the precedent for others to come.  Surely it wouldn’t start out as Intense?

Swat!   Flinch.  “Oww”   Wow, first one was a stinger.
Swat! Swat! Swat!   Flinching with each one and by now had a grimace on my face and my jaw clenched.

“Relax” Mike said, as I was also clenching my butt.

Then about five more swats in and my flinching increased and I started to cry again.

“Try to be still or you’ll fall off my lap” he said, continuing to swat away.

While the spankings were having a cumulative effect with each one stinging more than the prior one, my crying wasn’t about the physical sensations.  Physically this was uncomfortable, but bearable.  I think it was a release of emotions from all that went through my mind the previous ten minutes or so and I did feel shame.

Mike slowed his pace but kept spanking me.  At one point he paused and I sensed my crying was influencing him.  I broke protocol by talking, but hey, it was our first time at this and he had already broken it a few times.  I blabbered something like, “Do as we talked about, I love you.”

He resumed the swats.  I hadn’t kept count, but it seemed like a long time.   It was odd but I stopped flinching much and my sobs decreased along the way, but my ass was stinging more and more.

He stopped and asked me to stand.

“Wow,” I thought to myself, “that felt like close to 100.”   Turned out it was 50 – basically 10 per Transgression.  So with the warm ups, my first Reward Ceremony was 60 spanks.

We embraced until I fully stopped sobbing.  He did ask if I was okay and I told him I was fine, in fact, I was so happy that he did exactly as we talked about.  I apologized for not making it easy on him with the arguing and crying.  He reminded me that no specific apologies are ever needed or expected at this point in our Ceremony.  I reassured him I was not crying over any physical pain and the tears were all positive. He said “All is forgiven.”  I replied, “All is forgiven.”  And that concluded our first Reward Ceremony.

POST-REWARD
I got dressed, washed up, and walked out of the bedroom with an amazing feeling.  A rebirth, a reawakening, and a redemption. I was refreshed and recharged.  I don’t know what all chemically was going on in my body, but it felt good.  Mike greeted my entrance with a quick kiss and we sat down and had lunch.  He said he was going to log on from home for a bit, but would have to return to the office in a few hours.  He went to his home office and that was that – all as if nothing happened, just as I had hoped.  The issue was settled, it was done.  Life moves on.

I had this amazingly energy, and went about accomplishing the things I needed to do that afternoon. I was loving life!

MORE TO COME ON DAY 1
I was sitting at the computer when Mike came out of his home office and said he had to go back into to work. He went to the kitchen to grab a soda and then suddenly I hear

“Hey Jen, please come here.”

Hum, while it was very calm and polite, it was direct.  Normally it would be, “can you please come here.”   I was wondering what was up and quickly found out.   Immediately upon walking into the kitchen, Mike says,

“Drop your pants.”

Oh crap, I saw it.  I left various trash out around the kitchen counters. I had specifically reminded Mike that I wanted him to hold me accountable if I left the kitchen without throwing my trash away.  It took a second for me to mentally process the fact he was calling for an Immediate Reward.   We had talked about how Immediate Rewards can be effective by having them administered “at the scene” of the Transgression by tying my presence in the location to the memory of the Reward.  As I unbuttoned by pants I actually smiled a little as I was proud again of Mike in seeing this through, and that this time I recognized the Transgression.   The only negative thought I had was, “what would this feel like after already been spanked 60 times.”

As I unbuttoned and pulled down my pants and panties, it bought me a few seconds to take a quick glance at the several nearby windows.  There was one in particular where the angle would have to be just right, but a neighbor could potentially see my exposed ass and spanking if he happened to be in the right spot in his yard.  I didn’t say anything and stuck with our agreement bent over and held the edge of the counter as Mike instructed me.

Swat! Mike gave 10 rapid and firm spanks.  The last 4 or so really stung.  I made grunt-like sounds towards the end.  No crying this time.  He asked me why I earned the Reward and I confidently and correctly answered.  I apologized and Mike then gave me the second-half of the Immediate Reward.

Swat!  10 more in rapid succession.  This time all but the first few really stung and I actually got out an “ow” or two near the end.   He asked me to pull my pants up.  We embraced and followed our After Care process and ended with “all is forgiven.”   He gave me a kiss and left for work.

I went on with my afternoon with the same exuberance and energy I had prior to the Immediate Reward and this time with added pride that we flawlessly executed a Reward on the first day.  In addition, my butt was now a little sensitive.  I felt more confident than ever that we were on the right track.

The Toothpaste Cap.
The rest of the afternoon and evening was fairly typical with the exception of my high energy.  I got so much done that day regarding errands and housework.   I even reorganized my closet.  One uncommon thing was that Mike called me on his way home to ask if I wanted him to pick us up some dinner.  I was used to calling him anytime I didn’t feel like cooking to ask him if he wanted to cook or pick something up, but he never called me first.  I’ll accept it was out of guilt if that’s what you think, but I opt to accept it as just being thoughtful, and was the first of many such thoughtful things he would routinely begin to do.

Our evening progressed normally.  That night I got ready for bed before him and was laying in the bed making my first journal entry when he came in.  I heard Mike turn on the shower but then he poked his head out from the bathroom door and asked me to come to him.  I already knew that look.  It was the same look as the “kitchen incident” that afternoon.   I went into the bathroom and immediately knew.  There was a big dollop of hand cream that I dropped on the sink counter, I left my brush out, there was a lot of water all over the counter.  Yikes, I didn’t clean up after myself.  Mike administered another Immediate Reward there in the bathroom.

He asked me to drop my pajamas and panties.  He had me grab my ankles this time versus holding on to the counter, and, he grabbed the hairbrush.

Smack!  Smack!  Smack!   The hairbrush made a higher-pitched smacking sound compared to his hand, and while the first couple smacks were fine, I really felt some major stings by the third.  I was saying “ow” louder and louder with each one.

I was about to say my safe word to have him pause, but I just made it to 10 and then he stopped.  He asked me why I earned my reward, and I was able to accurately explain the mess I left.  Mike added, “Oh yeah, and I can’t find the toothpaste cap.”  I made my apology and he lectured me a bit and explained the hairbrush was used because this was the second time my transgression was about tidiness that day and it was one of the things I didn’t put away.  He then gave me the second-half of the Immediate Reward, but fortunately he used his hands.

Swat! Swat!  They didn’t sting as much as the hair brush but they hurt more than the ones from the morning.  By the end I was taking deep breathes to keep my composure.  Finally the 10^th swat with his hand and it was over.  It was now after care and “all is forgiven.”   He took his shower and I cleaned up and went back to journaling.

I always remember how that day ended in a Reward because although it played a minor role, I like to jokingly trivialize that memory as the toothpaste cap incident.

Final Reflections
That night when I journaled, I recognized how that day would have gone prior to DD.

• Had Mike called me out as embellishing, I would take it as if he was calling me a liar.
  Result = Argument. 
• Had Mike complained about me not making the bed, I would resent being called lazy.
  Result = Argument.
• Had Mike complained about the toothpaste lid, I would have called him petty and mean.
  Result = Argument.

What would I have written if this day occurred Pre-DD, and what did I actually write?

Pre DD:   “What a pissy ending to a pissy day.  Several heated arguments with Mike.  I resent this and I resent that…. I am so mad…. I hated today.

Actual:  Peace, contentment, and love between Mike and I.  I accomplished so much today and have an increased awareness to avoid embellishments, do my chores, and keep things clean.  All great steps towards being the person I want to be for myself and my family.  I loved today.  

And I had 100 spankings to thank for that.

Next: 16. Sexual Thoughts, Dreams, Desires, Fantasies

6. Submission and Accountability

I realized that I was tired of not being the person I wanted to be – of basically frequently letting myself down.  But still, how can I allow myself to be punished by my husband?

I realized that these punishments could be about accountability – accountability to myself.  If I were to be accountable to myself, then shouldn’t I accept certain consequences if I failed to meet my own duties and obligations?  These duties and obligations represent the things that are of utmost importance in my life, defining the person I want to be. They are, without doubt, worthy of my accountability.

Without some type of consequence other than my own personal disappointment, I could never be truly accountable.  I knew that absent new consequences I would fall back into dismissing responsibility for things that went wrong.  I would be back to, “oh well, I still did the right thing, even though it had the wrong outcome.”

So what would this new consequences be?   I thought hard about options other than spanking.   Time-outs, writing lines, standing in a corner, alone time, etc. – but those only involved me having to do something.  I needed consequences that my husband was involved in delivering.  I knew for me that ultimately it was my accountability to him and having him holding me accountable were both absolutely necessary for me to be successful. That was the turning point in realizing DD was going to be for me.

In order to be accountable to myself, I had to agree to spankings.  Once I reconciled this in my mind, a sense of release came over me.  It was quite a feeling.  It was at that moment that I realized what “submission” meant to me.   While still not fully sure what I was in for I began to relish the thought of my husband and I being committed to the things that were most important to me and yes, relish the thought of my submission to him.

That realization did not happen immediately and the few sentences I wrote here do not tell how I reconciled this in my mind.  Next I will share with you my thought process that allowed me to ultimately accept punishment as a consequence.

NEXT – 7. Accepting Punishment