Tag Archives: punishment

148. Dom/sub Therapy Session

148

My last post talked about my little spiral towards a self-pity party.  The trigger for this self-absorbed unhappiness was the challenges I was having in maintaining a submissive mindset.   Those frustrations with myself leached into frustrations towards others (such as Mike and Kayla).   This led me to my discussion with Mike that I shared in that last post.  

Before I get into how that discussion went, I want to give kudos to my man!  Mike is such a great listener and the perfect Dom for this submissive!  Kisses!!

THE DISCUSSION
After venting, I said I think I should give up trying to shape my thoughts to be more submissive.  I felt I just am not cut out to think that way and it is too hard to undo a lifetime of reinforced behaviors that were far from submissive.  I’ve conquered being submissive in my actions, and it has brought me great joy, but I can’t seem to keep my default thinking, my reflexes, from being non-submissive.  I told him I wanted to scrap the “think submissively” goal I had.   

HOW CAN I HELP?
After sharing my frustrations, Mike asked, “Is that it, or is there some way I can help you?”  

My answer?  I wasn’t sure.  Just like the “nail” video I linked to in my prior post, I think I just wanted to be heard and vent.  And it seemed simple that just reverting back to our “normal” D/s routine would fix it.    

Mike agreed it was good for me to vent.  But, he said that abandoning this “submissive thinking thing” could be a missed opportunity to get at the root of my challenge.  This could mean the issue is still there, unresolved, and can fester.  I admitted it was impacting how I treated others.  As he put it, I owed it to everyone, including myself, to find resolution.  He asked me if simply venting and abandoning this goal was enough to resolve whatever I was feeling.  

I admitted that it would not.  It sure would “take the nail out,” but, it wouldn’t identify why I struggled with it in.  

I WONDER IF?
I told Mike I’ve done the soul-searching and can’t identify why I am feeling and reacting the way that I am.  Mike said, “Do you think giving up is better than continuing the search?”   No, I do not.  

Mike then said, “I wonder if your frustration is really about your doubts of whether or not you really want to go “deeper” with your submission.  It might be, but let’s assume for a moment it isn’t that.  Let’s assume just the opposite.  That it is what you really want.  Then why the frustration?”

I said, “Because it is harder than I thought it would be.”

He replied, “So, I wonder if it were easy, you would want it, but because it is hard, you don’t?”

I had to admit that yes, I wanted it if it were easy.  Yes, I still wanted to think more submissively.  His response was, “Then why stop?”

I then went back in to the litany of things I listed on my prior post.  It would be easier if this, easier if that, etc., etc.  If those things didn’t exist, it would be easier, but because those things exist, it will never be easy, so why keep being frustrated?  I especially pointed out the things with our son.  His needs have been especially high, although they did just recently settle into routine again.  

Mike pointed out that the needs of our son are often a trigger for me.  A trigger into frustration over other aspects of life.  I know where he was going as we have had this conversation before.  I figured it out myself long ago.  When J’s needs increase, my stress increases.  As my stress increases, I vent it by being more controlling and demanding of others.  I then see others as obstacles to my happiness, and passive-aggressive tendencies emerge, jealousy emerges, and basically, the pity party is in full swing.

I told him that I get all that.  Been there, done that, too many times in my life.  I told him that because my attempts at “thinking submissively” were not going well, yes, it caused this spiral.  But I just want off the spiral – Now – and not incrementally over time as I improve towards my desired thinking.  I told him perhaps we just revisit this in a few months.

What Truly Matters?
Mike then said, “You have said many times that what truly matters to you is to be submissive to me.  You’ve said that your greatest enjoyment and pleasure has come from when I do things off script (the things not explicitly stated in our Contract).   You admitted just now that you want to think more submissively and your only reason for abandoning this is that it is ‘too hard.’  So here is what we are going to do.”  

He continued, “You are to no longer punish Kayla.  It is understandable that having to be part-Dom at times would make it hard to stay in a submissive mindset.”   

“Secondly,” he added, “our mini-Maintenance Thursdays will change.  You will journal all your non-submissive thoughts and we will review and discuss them on Thursdays.  The Thursday maintenance will always be the same.  5 with the prison strap, 5 with the cane, hard intensity, followed by 30 minutes sitting in the corner for reflection.  There will not be any other punishments for ‘not thinking submissively.’  We will continue these mini-sessions until I am satisfied you have reached your goal.

“Lastly, there will be no further discussion about this for a month.  You can bring it up at a Maintenance Session in a month if you have questions or concerns.  Oh, and one more thing, we will end today’s session with 10 hard from the strap and 10 hard with the cane.”  

That’s a hard ending to a Maintenance Session as most sessions have low to moderate spankings.  I didn’t question why he did that, nor do I care.  He was right, my greatest enjoyment and pleasure comes from him being Dominant in his own way, separate from anything we specifically outlined in our Contract.  

Retrospect
I am only one day removed from this, so don’t have the benefit of much thinking about this.  Part of me absolutely loved Mike’s actions, but part of me still wonders if this “submissive thinking” is a worthwhile goal.  Knowing that basically there is no punishments involved, other than what is scheduled for Thursdays, helps relieve a little bit of the pressure I feel.  — That statement may be easy to misconstrue.  The pain of a spanking doesn’t create pressure for me to perform.  Actually, the pain is very much a release, sort of absolution, for me.  It is about what the spanking represents… failure…and not about the pain… that serves as a deterrent. 

This experience highlights for me that my pre-DD ways are not far from the surface.  I can quickly devolve into my control-freak ways if I allow it.  Well, let me correct myself.  Now I can say, “if Mike allows it.”   Which apparently he won’t, as my bruised butt attests!    

NEXT:  149. Kayla Rises.  A Submissives Manifesto

143. My Evolving Submission

evolve

COMMENT TO A BLOG COMMENT
Something interesting (to me anyway) happened.  Mike was looking at my blog on my phone, reading some of the comments and said, “Hey, I am going to respond to this comment as if you are responding.”  He then proceeded to type away.

To acknowledge his statement I responded with a nonchalant, “Okay, Sir,”

He then said, “Aren’t you wondering what the comment was or what I am writing?”

“Sure, Sir, I am curious, but I am sure I will read it in due time.”

“Wait,” he said, “you aren’t burning to know right now what it’s about?”

“No, Sir.  I am not.”

He seemed shocked.  “So, you aren’t dying to know what I am stating.  You know they are going to think it is you that is replying?  That doesn’t concern you?”

“Sir, I would never lie about such things.  I am not dying to know.  I trust whatever you are writing is something you believe is appropriate.  That’s good enough for me.”

Mike continued in amazement, “Jen, come on now, this blog is your little baby and I am messing with it.  What if I am saying something you don’t like.”

“Sir…Mike, I am fine with anything you decide to write.  Whatever it is, it represents what you want my response to say and therefore I accept it as my own.  I will read it in due course, no hurry.” (I have a habit of using his name when I am dead serious about something.  I still use “Sir,” but will throw in his name as well).

Mike continued to question me as if he didn’t believe me.  Well, not “as if” he didn’t believe me.  It was clear, he didn’t actually believe me.

“Mike! I am serious and also saddened that you aren’t believing me…Sir.  I truly do not care that you responded on my behalf and I am 100% fine with whatever you chose to write.  I accept it as my own even without knowing what is says, because I know it says what you want it to say.  That’s good enough for me.”

Mike was a bit dumbfounded and said, “I am sorry that I inferred you weren’t being honest about your feelings.  It just surprised me that you didn’t feel the least bit violated that I was treading on your blog turf.”

“Sir, I don’t believe I can ever interpret anything you do as an imposition or as violating me in some way.   I trust you explicitly and without question, especially when it comes to any decision you make on my behalf.”

Mike was in awe and immediately had to hug me.  He said he always tries to wield his Dominance in a way that builds trust and was worried a bit about the recent punishment regarding the blender I didn’t buy.  He was concerned that maybe it went too far as it didn’t recognize the progress I’ve made in controlling my purchasing habits.  He then told me that ultimately he felt that particular punishment was in order as this was just too serious of a subject and I needed to not only keep my actions in check, but also my thoughts.  

I told Mike I appreciated that punishment and never expect him to have to justify a punishment.  If I feel confused or unsure about the motives or purpose, I will bring it up at a Maintenance Session, and frankly, I was neither confused nor unsure about the purpose of that punishment.

FREE MYSELF FROM INTENTION
I did admit that more than likely, if he made that blog comment on my behalf before the last punishment, I probably would have been like, “Noooo!”  Or, “Please tell me what you’re writing.”  But, the last punishment reinforced to me that consistently meeting my Duties and Obligations is not just about my actions, but also about my thoughts.  While not every thought leads to an action, every action starts as a thought.  Given my history with reckless buying habits, I need to free myself of the impulses and of the thoughts – not just try to suppress those impulses.  It is very much about freeing myself of my intentions, as I wrote about in Post 30. I found my thrill.

I told him that last punishment had me reflecting on my submission and on his dominance.  I finally fully understood the power of freeing myself from my intentions (per Post 30).  I  told him he has done everything to deserve my complete trust, my complete surrender.  While I’ve been very submissive, I haven’t fully submitted in my thoughts.  That’s something I want to work on.  

I realize a lot of it is around letting go of petty issues and yes, letting go of some old baggage I still carry regarding my disdain for misogyny.  I want to focus only on what is most important.  Our DD has evolved such that what is most important has changed.  It is still important to me to meet my Duties and Obligations, but of greater importance is simply my submission to him.  Thus, when he said he was going to respond to the comment on my behalf, I truly had no concerns or hesitations.  Nothing but trust that his comment was to his liking, and as a result, would be to mine as well.  In fact, I am glad he showed interest in whatever comment he felt he needed to respond to.

This marks another evolution of my DD, which is really D/s more than “just” DD.  I now look at Mike as my leader and the leader of our household, not just the executive in charge of administering the DD that I prescribed.   I love when Mike tells me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.  I love cherishing and serving him, and I love that he cherishes and loves my servitude.

It sounds so misogynistic to state that.  But as I stated before, I don’t advocate this lifestyle for women, no more than I would for sub men.  Submissiveness is gender-neutral to me.  It just so happens I am a woman and it works for me.  Life would suck if my submission was a societal expectation.  I want women to lead in business, government, and in households.  But such leadership is not for me.

WHAT WAS THE COMMENT?
Oh –
the comment was on 141. Master/slave Immersion 2.0, from lurvspanking who questioned Kayla’s preparedness for multiple sexual partners at one time.  Mike’s comment was simply to state the topic is still in discussion and proceeding with caution. He ended it with, “It may not happen.”   His point being that we are well aware that reality may not live up to fantasy, and even if it does, it may not be best for Kayla right now.  Although he didn’t state it, because he was responding as me, it is going to be his decision and he is not yet convinced it should happen.

So, there you have it.  More evidence of my ever evolving submission. 

NEXT: 144.  To ‘Sir’ or not to ‘Sir’, that is the question. . . 

141. Master/slave Immersion 2.0

141Immersion

It is summer time and that means continuing a “tradition.”   Yes, it means it is time once again for an M/s immersion!   Okay, so perhaps it doesn’t qualify as “tradition” yet as it will be just our second such “immersion,” but it is something I’ve been looking forward to for some time. 

IMMERSION 2016 – a look back
I wrote about our immersion last year
(Post 31. June Butterflies – 10 day Total Power Exchange and again Post 34. M/s immersion complete).  What is definitely a tradition is that each summer my parents have my kids spend two weeks with them (of course, now it is mainly just my youngest).  This has always been a time for Mike and I to have some unencumbered fun.  Of course, what constitutes “fun” has been a little different since embracing Domestic Discipline.  

IMMERSION 2017 – a look ahead
Like last year, Mike and I will experiment with taking our dynamic up a notch or two on the Dom/sub scale.  A time to test limits and have extended uninterrupted “adult” time. This year will be a bit different as Kayla is now with us and Mike and I are another year wiser from our experiences.  After all, this time last year we were just 15 months into our DD lifestyle, so now have almost TWICE the experience!  What a difference a year makes.

We discuss what the Immersion will be like this year.  I asked Mike to simply surprise me.  No preconceived limitations, restrictions, or expectations on my part.   I asked that he just feel free to explore his wildest fantasies and let me rely on safe words to communicate when a limit has been reached.  

Kayla said she wanted the same from this immersion, with one addition.  She really enjoyed the group dynamic of the party (Post 139. A very Adults-only Party) and she wants to explore being with several men at once, as long as both Mike and I are present. She said that in her fantasy, Mike and I just watch, neither of us participate.  Thus, she asked if Mike could find “at least three” other men to be involved.  Mike told her he would consider it and it would hinge on him finding the right guys to participate.  John would be one, but the challenge is finding others we can trust.  Two of the couples at the party were really great to hang around.  We know that one of them only play together as a couple, so that leaves the man in the other couple to consider.  So including John, perhaps we are at two good candidates.

I don’t have significant reservations about Kayla’s request.  Not to say I don’t have concerns, but I know Mike takes this seriously and I am confident he will do what he can to make this live up to Kayla’s expectations.  I know this is a big fantasy of Kayla’s and I am happy to help her experience it if we can have all the right controls.  My biggest fear is actually Kayla having unrealistic expectations about it.  If you’ve read my posts you know how I am about expectations.  (Post 81. Expectations)

Thus, we all talked extensively about her request to ensure we are all “calibrated” as to her wants and desires.  I feel Kayla has really matured in her thinking about her submission and sexuality.   In six short months she has found tremendous confidence in sharing her fantasies and has shown discretion in separating pure fantasy from true desires.    

We’ll see what comes of this.  While Mike and I enjoyed the “vibe” of the party (sans Rudy),  we are content with our dynamic and sex life such that we mostly just see complications and disappointments if we make such “parties” the norm for us.  However Kayla wants to explore more and wants the comfort of our guidance and presence.  We will see what comes of this.  

CRYING
Switching gears —  T
hinking about the immersion last year has me in a reflecting mood.  It doesn’t really take much for that as I am a highly self-reflective person.  It got me thinking more about my submission and thinking more deeply about certain ways I act or have acted.

One of things I was reflecting on is crying.  While there have been plenty of exceptions, I don’t typically cry when I am punished.  I almost always get a bit teary eyed, but the full on cry is atypical.  Kayla, on the other hand, started out as a huge crier.  Her cries have diminished but are still common place.  She tends to have more like the semi-hyperventilating sniffles with lots of tears running down her cheeks versus a loud and boisterous cry.  

There may be a tendency to equate crying with pain or sadness, but that is never the reason I cry, nor is the reason for Kayla’s crying.    Both of us agree that the likelihood and degree of our crying is directly related to the degree of humility, remorse, and/or guilt we feel about the transgression that led to the punishment.  I think Kayla feels those things more often and more intensely than I do because she is younger and puts more pressure on herself than I do.  As such, she feels it more as a personal defeat than a temporary set back.  For me, the feelings of humility, remorse, or guilt are compounded the most when it is a repeat offense.  That leads me to a spanking story I haven’t shared that happened a few days ago.       

Spanking Story (tease)
I was at the store and saw something I wanted to buy for the house.  Our rules say I can only buy household items like food, toiletries, and cleaning supplies as long as it fits in the budget.  Any other purchases required permission from Mike.   If you aren’t familiar with the origins of this rule, read Post 71. Good Girl and Post 75. Public Display of Submission).

For whatever reason I wasn’t in a mindset to want to call Mike.  Asking permission seemed trivial and it was so clear to me we could use this item.  So, what did I do?  Well, I didn’t buy it. . . but I still got punished!   I’ll share the details on my next post!

NEXT:  142.  Spanking, Lines, and Corner Time.

 

133. Intense Punishment

133
Laying in bed the other day, sore nipples and butt, with a lingering soapy taste in my mouth, I had the “WAID” thought.  The thought of “What Am I Doing?”   I’ve had this thought a few times.   I believe occasional doubt is healthy.  Doubt is simply a lack of knowledge.   Often this is momentary, and the knowledge can be found in a short conversation with yourself.  Other times it may take a bit more than a moment of reflection, but for me, any doubts about DD have always been self affirming regarding my choice to live this lifestyle.   My doubts have always led to a deeper appreciation for what DD has done for me and my family.   WAID never lasts more than a few minutes, and it was no different this time.

The punishments I was reflecting on were from that day and the day before.  Part of my “Rewards” for what my actions that I shared in the prior post.

I’ve shared a couple of the more severe punishments I’ve received, and there haven’t been many.  Although I didn’t use my safe word, this punishment topped any I had before, even the one I shared in 24. Intense Spanking , although I didn’t er had to use a safe word this time.  As our son J is home, the punishments were done throughout the day while he was at school or in the evening after he was asleep.

As I think about it, this one wasn’t the worst in terms of pain.  It was the worst in terms of overall discomfort.  In some ways, lingering discomfort or anticipation of what is to come is worst than a moment of acute pain.

I am not that good at sharing punishment stories.  It isn’t my “thing.”  I’d much rather be waxing philosophical about events in my life than sharing the specific details.  Mike says it is because just stating what happens in my life is a very vulnerable thing to do, as it leaves more to interpretation of the reader, and those interpretations may be unfavorable.  A very interesting comment that I want to explore further, but I’ll wait to ponder that one for another post.  So with that ,here’s the punishment I received.

Mike started me off with a mouth soaping, figuring it was appropriate for me opening my mouth and sharing what I shared with my friends.  For a soaping, I open my mouth and stick out my tongue.  Mike rubs an already wet and lathered bar of soap all over my tongue.  I then open wide and he rubs it all around the roof of my mouth, cheeks, and scrapes it across my teeth.  He then has me bite down on the bar to hold it in place in my mouth.

He then used a lot of our new implements from our recent Joy Box additions.   With soap in my mouth, he used our new cupping system on my breasts.  He applied some oil to my breasts, attached some small nipple clamps to my nipples, then applied the cups.  They provide a lot of suction on the breasts.  In the short run you don’t really feel much, but it gets increasingly uncomfortable overtime.  More blood rushes to the breast and they get a pinkish-purple like hue.  He then had me stand in the corner with my hands clasped behind my head.  I was then spanked as I stood there, first by hand, then with various paddles and straps.  Mike inserted a butt plug in me and left me in the corner for an hour.  By far the worst part was holding the soap in my mouth and standing in one place.  By the end of the hour I was a drooling mess and my jaw was sore.

He then walked me to the shower and using the hand nozzle he sprayed me down with cold water to clear the suds and drool from my face, chest, stomach, and legs.   He pulled the cups off my breasts and replaced the small nipple clamps with another pair that are far more intense and he adjusted them to be extremely tight.  He had me lay down on my stomach on the bathroom floor and got out the new cleansing system he ordered.  This was my first enema.

I anticipated it would be uncomfortable, but I didn’t anticipate the degree of the pressure and cramping.  Mike made me hold it in for five minutes, but it felt like much more.  He spanked me a few more times and then allowed me to get on the pot and get it out.   After I was done, he repeated the enema and spanking.  Then he did a third enema and had me hold it in for even longer before expelling.  He then finally removed the nipple clamps, but the respite for my nipples was short.

Mike got our nipple suckers, applied them to my nipples and pumped, and pumped some more.  He pumped more than I thought they could even be pumped.  I’ve never seen my nipples get so big.  He returned to me to the corner where I stood again with hands clasped behind my head.  Mike told me I was not to leave the corner for any reason else more punishment.  Well, I soon learned that the effects of an enema can last awhile and it wasn’t long before I just had to use the toilet.  I was clenching and holding as long as I could, and just about the time I was ready to give in and leave the corner (I wasn’t about to make a mess of things. I’ll take the added punishment), Mike entered the room.   I didn’t say anything as I am not to speak unless spoken to, but luckily Mike asked me how I was doing.  I told him I needed to go and thankfully he let me.

When I was done he removed the suckers and ran the pinwheel hard over my very large nipples for what seemed like a long time, but probably wasn’t. He then went back to the put the cups and applied them to my breasts.   Mike decided to break in another new toy, the anal beads.  I’ve never used anal beads before.  It is one of those progressive sets, and he put all but the last one inside me.  Thankfully even the largest one isn’t crazy big.  Big enough for sure and I was glad he didn’t insert that one, but this set of beads is what I would call an intermediate set.  Whatever you call it, it still call it uncomfortable to have them in for an extended time.  He then had me stand in the corner again and he left, returning in about 45 minutes.

He removed the cups and again added the suckers.  He ordered me on all fours and he played awhile with the beads, pulling them out, inserting them, pulling out, inserting. He took my hand and helped me to my feet and walked me over to a chair.  He sat down, put me over his knee, and spanked me by hand for what seemed like forever – had to be over 100 of various intensities.

He then did another enema and this time when he took the tube out, I was surprised as I immediately felt a butt plug being inserted.  Mike grabbed the bar of soap and administered another mouth soaping.  I was then walked over to the shower.  He told me to stand in the shower with my hands clasped behind my head, bar of soap in my mouth, with a rectum full of warm water.  Mike told me not to leave the tub and he would be back “at some point.”   He came in a few times to check on me and each time he didn’t say a word and then left.  At some point I just couldn’t hold it any longer.  I pushed the plug and water out.  At least after several enemas it was basically just water.

Once I expelled the water, my mind became more aware of my painful nipples. They were burning.   I was so uncomfortable that I started to cry.   Not from any specific pain, but just because I felt miserable, both emotionally and physically.   Expelled water from my ass, terrible soap in my mouth and soapy drool all down my body, nipples on fire, a sore bottom from the spankings, a bit crampy from the enemas, and a sore sphincter from all the clenching.

Mike returned and said, “I’ll be right back.”  He left and returned very shortly with Kayla.  He told Kayla to remove the suckers, clean me up, and dry me off.   He watched as she showered and then dried me off.  “Almost done,” he said.

With Kayla there, he had me state what I did to earn this “reward.”  He then gave a lecture.  He does this sometimes, usually near the end of a punishment.  It’s his way of recapping the events that brought on the punishment, making sure they remained top of mind.  He then told Kayla to get the prison strap and the cane.  He walked me over to the bed and  had me lay down on my stomach.   He then took the strap from Kayla and struck me, then handed it back to Kayla and took the cane and struck me, and then alternated back and forth for I think just five strikes with each item.  It wasn’t many, but they were very hard and were more than enough.  I cried, which again is uncommon for me, but it happens.

We then had our “closing ceremony” complete with aftercare, with one caveat.  Mike said we would repeat our entire morning again tomorrow PLUS that night and the next I would spend thirty minutes in the corner with the clamps on, followed by a spanking before bedtime.  Only then would the punishment be fully over.  As bad as the punishment itself was, the anticipation of knowing it would be repeated was just as bad.  Anticipation of a punishment, especially one this long and intense, is a punishment itself.

And when it was all finally over, it was truly over.  What I did was fully behind us, like always.  No lingering resentments.  All is forgiven.  Oh, and Mike added, “You know, if you just would have asked me beforehand, I am pretty sure I would have been fine with you telling your friends whatever you felt comfortable sharing with them.”

NEXT:  Post 134. Vulnerable to my readers / 1yr blogiversary 

 

 

 

 

 

132. Good Groove/ Bad Move – Spanked!

GoodGrooveBadMove

Three weeks since posting and IMHO I have a good reason.  Simply put, nothing much was going on.   It was three weeks of a routine Domestic Discipline household.  I have been very good with my Duties and Obligations and, while I don’t keep track of this, I believe I’ve gone my longest time without a punishments.   In the past, if ten or so days went by with no spanking, I would end up asking for one (Maintenance spankings help, but aren’t enough).   I shared such “mercy” spankings before such as in Post 126 and Post 42.

GOOD GROOVE!
This time was different.  Fulfilling my duties and obligations was fully satisfying and I did not feel a yearning for a spanking.   I can’t fully explain why that is.  If I could put my finger on it I’d certainly try and bottle it for future use.  I think it is just how life works sometimes.  You just get in a positive grove that feeds on itself.  Just like there are times you might get in a negative rut that feeds on itself.

At the same time I’ve been in this groove, Kayla has completely settled into her submissive/slave routine.  She seems to have found the level of submission she has been seeking (and it’s much deeper than mine).  She too hasn’t been yearning for more and more.  I credit Mike for a lot of this as he has been extremely responsive to Kayla’s needs.  I know for some this sounds like a violation of the M/s principles, but to each his (or her) own.  I believe for submission to work it has to start with the submissive.  The submissive must achieve a level of submission that delivers them emotional prosperity.   That prosperity is facilitated by the Dom, but can’t be dictated by the Dom.   Of course, I don’t mean to state this in absolutes.  I am sure there are different dynamics that work fine for other D/s, or M/s  relationships.   But for me personally, it is an absolute.  

So while I have gone some time without a spanking, Kayla can’t say the same — but she is very happy with that.  She has many more Duties and Obligations and is precisely held to them.  Even her Duties and Obligations include acts that to me, are punishments.   With Kayla in her own “positive groove” and with me in mine, well, there just hasn’t been much to share you with.   Until now!

BAD MOVE!
I was having lunch with some girlfriends of mine – 5 to be exact.  An old high school friend and her sister, a former co-worker and one of her close friends (so a friend of a friend), and a friend I met years ago through someone else.  These are all non-kink girlfriends,  as in, platonic, “normal” friendships with other women.   We probably get together four or five times a year. Beyond that, it is Facebook, Twitter, and texting.  

We got together recently and the topic of sex came up.  Now I said these were “normal” friends, and I don’t know about you, but us girls talk about sex.  Not overly graphic, mostly innuendo, humorous type references, but sex none-the-less.  One of them has a husband who just turned 50 and someone asked her, “So, what’s it like sleeping with a 50 year old?”   That turned the conversation to sex.  I made some comment and someone jokingly said, “What would you know, Mike’s not 50.”   My snarky come back was, “Well, who said I was talking about Mike?”  

I knew the moment the words came out of my mouth that I had done a “no-no.”   There was a fleeting moment where I thought I should just laugh and tell them I was kidding and that would be that.  So in that fleeting moment what did I say?.  “Oh wait, no, he is under 50 also.” 

I don’t  know what compelled me to say such things.  I believe, in part, it is the fact that I am not ashamed of my lifestyle and in fact, am grateful for it.  Another part is that I was riding a wave of contentment – that “positive groove” I mentioned earlier.  Whatever the motivation, I said it, and there it was.  I just told them I slept with someone other than Mike.

This, of course, led to questions.  Again, instead of ending it all as simply a silly joke, I answered them honestly.  I did show some discretion.  I didn’t give names, but ultimately shared that Mike and I have swapped and had foursomes and continue to do so.  What I shared with them basically dealt with our relationship with John and Donna, but I never named them.  I didn’t reference anything about our relationship with Kayla, domestic discipline, or submission.   

Their reactions were pretty cool.  They were inquisitive, jovial, and even supportive. If they were judgmental, shocked, or even disgusted, they hid it well.   Anyway, this isn’t about their reaction.  It is about Mike’s. 

Of course I told Mike that I told them.  He got upset.  We agreed that any decisions to share anything about TTWD would be made mutually – it is even stated in my DD contract.  Mike knew that I am fully aware of this as it is not some vague item in the contract that we’ve forgotten about.  We’ve talked about this issue before, such as when I wanted to tell Kayla or tell my sisters about TTWD.   Mike felt I boldly and blatantly chose to ignore my Duties and Obligations under the contract.  Moreover, even if the contract didn’t exist it was very discourteous of me to share this with anyone without discussing it with him.  

Mike said that this was more than just me not doing some act of service that I agree be responsible for.  It was more than disobeying or disrespecting him.  In his mind it was a total disregard of his privacy.  For that, I would be punished.  

I knew I shouldn’t have told them and I knew there would be a punishment in the offing. I wasn’t prepared for how significant a punishment it was going to be.   After the punishment I shared in Post 131, it seems like perhaps when I fail, I fail big!    This was another big one.  The fact I didn’t anticipate it also made it a bigger deal.  

The punishment is over, but suffice to say my nipples are raw, my ass is sore (inside and out), and I still have a lingering bad taste in my mouth.  I’ll share the details on my next post.  SPOILER ALERT.   As always, it has a happy ending!  And I don’t mean that in the cliche euphemism of “happy ending.”   Although I guess in some ways it was happy in that way too. Hee hee.  Oh, the life of a submissive!

 

119. The Stick of Truth, Part III

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This series of three posts are unlike what I typically write about.  I originally wrote out a post that simply reflected on these events of these posts and I just peppered that reflection with some of the details.  The problem was I felt it didn’t really convey the experience well enough, thus I decided to first write about the details and then the reflections and lessons learned.  

PUNISHMENT CONTINUED
In the morning Mike instructed me to get J off to school as usual and that he would be going into work a little late.  Kayla said she needed to use the bathroom.  He told her to leave the blindfold on and he led her to the restroom.  Once done he returned her to the bed and removed all the covers.  He then tied her to the bed.  Our bed is not the most conducive to restraints.   The only way to make it work well is to be completely splayed out, like in a giant “X.”   One arm on one side of the headboard, one on the other, and ankles to each side of the footboard.   It takes some extra rope to make it all reach as it is a king sized bed.  He again applied the suckers to her breasts and said that she would remain there until I returned from taking  J to school.  I woke up J and Mike joined us for breakfast

When I returned Mike called out for me from the bedroom.  When I entered the room I saw that he had Kayla on laying on her stomach and he was finishing up tying the last restraint.  She was still in the “X” position but now on her stomach instead of her back (the suckers were removed).  Mike had eight or nine different spanking implements laid out on the bed alongside Kayla.

Mike told me to quickly pick one.  I grabbed one of the short wooden paddles, shaped a bit like a ping-pong paddle but a little bigger.  He took it from me and gave Kayla three very hard swats on each cheek.  He then gave me the paddle and told me to give her 10 in row on each check with the same intensity.  If any were not to his liking he would administer 5 additional ones to Kayla.  I gave the first set of 20 and Kayla and fortunately did so to his satisfaction.  He then had me choose and repeat with another paddle, then another, then another.  Kayla was crying.

I had finally had enough and asked Mike what he was doing.  He sternly said, “I have Kayla’s trust, don’t I have yours?”  I thought for a second and said, “Yes, Sir.”  I really didn’t understand what was going on.  I still didn’t know for sure what this was all about, but, Mike has never let me down before and I do trust him.  I just wasn’t sure if all the stuff with Kayla had perhaps clouded his judgment.  (Remember my post regarding the Stanford Experiment Post 114. Resist! And remain Kinky!.) 

With that, Mike told to choose another implement, and then another.  Soon the only one left was the cane. We only got the cane because Kayla asked for it.  It had been used before (on both of us) but not after this long of a severe spanking session.  Mike pointed to the top of her buttocks and said he wanted to see a stripe “here”, then pointed to two other areas and said “here” and “here.”  Kayla cried very loudly with each one.  Mike then continued to point lower on her buttocks and all the way to her upper thighs, “Here, here, and here.”   When done he said he wasn’t satisfied with the stripes and to repeat, so I did.Before I could finish Kayla called out her “yellow” safe word, which meant we would pause or change things up. 

Mike said “Okay, Kayla, let’s give you a few minutes and you tell us when you are ready to proceed.”  He called me over and whispered in my ear, “Get the prison strap and I want you to keep spanking her with it until she uses her safe-word again.  We are going to continue until she calls “Red.”

My thoughts went to the few times Mike brought me to my limits and I called “Red.” (which for me is “Mercy.”)  I was thinking that it probably would have been hard for someone else had to stand by and watch me at that time, yet, I look back fondly on those punishments.  I knew I had to put aside my protective instincts when it comes to Kayla and recognize that she thrives in being submissive    While I was able to do just that, my mind was still swirling with exactly what led to this.  Was there something else that happened when Kayla was talking with Mike?   Was this because of the cussing?   Why was Mike having me administer the spankings, both the night before and this morning?  I knew there was more to this than I understood at the time. 

“I am ready, Sir,” Kayla said.  The thoughts in my head then shifted to whether I should strike hard, hoping to get to red faster, or get there over a long series of strikes?  Her ass was already fiery red, and the stripes from the cane showed boldly.  I thought I would start pretty hard and hope she called “red” soon.  She cried very loudly with each strike, and I just tried to block it all out and kept striking her every few seconds.  I didn’t keep count, but she took a lot, maybe ten, maybe a dozen, before she again called “yellow.”  

I wished Mike would just tell her that this wasn’t going to stop until she said “Red.”  I’ve learned to sense when a punishment was going to be never-ending.  While I never call “Mercy” until I truly reach my limit, it is helpful for me to recognize these types of punishments so that it becomes a battle of my own will.  I was concerned that Kayla had never been pushed to her limit, and may not recognize it and may take more than she physically should allow.   

“I am ready, Sir.”  Mike then told Kayla that we would be going back to the cane and they would be harder than before.  Kayla was still crying heavily but managed an “Okay, Sir.”  This time Mike took the cane and gave her a very hard strike that loudly popped when it hit.  Kayla let out a scream followed quickly by “red, red, red,”

Mike untied her and held her for some time.  She continued to sob as he held her and she was saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”   Mike calmly told her there was nothing to apologize for, and that everything was okay.  He didn’t let go of her until her sobs subsided.

He then called me over and told me to get on my knees in front of the two of them.  Mike was standing with Kayla’s head still buried in his chest, tears still coming from her eyes but she was no longer wailing.  Mike then began his lecture.

“Kayla shared with me that you told her to not tell me something, that you felt it would be best if you told me whatever it is, versus having Kayla tell me, is that true?”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded

“While you may have had good intentions, it seems to me that you forgot or felt it unimportant that we already addressed the two of you conspiring to break rules (See Post 109. The Tuck, The Spank, and the Slumber).  Which one was it, did you forget, or just felt it was unimportant?”

I’ve learned that these aren’t rhetorical questions and he expects me to either choose one or state another.   In addition, I knew the questions wouldn’t stop until I quit trying to justify breaking a rule.  “Sir, I know it is important to not encourage Kayla to break her rules, or to break mine.  And yes, I did feel that was less important than me talking to you first.”

“So, not only did you encourage Kayla to break a rule, but then Kayla accommodated your request.  That is why Kayla earned this Reward, and she will earn such a Reward anytime this happens.  I told you both before that this type of Transgression was serious, and I should not worry about the two you working together to break rules.  I expect one of you to help prevent the other from breaking a rule.  And Jen, as Kayla is submissive to you, it is even more egregious for you to put Kayla in such a predicament.  This punishment was intended to give Kayla something she would not forget so that she would think twice the next time you did anything to encourage her to break a rule.  It also gives you something to think about if she encouraged you to break one.”

Then he added, “Whoever instigates the rule breaking will be the one to administer the punishment on the one who went along with it.  Do you both understand?”

“Yes, Sir,” we both responded.

So now, Jen, tell me what it was that was so important that you needed to tell me about it before Kayla? “

DOH!   Okay, before we get to that, let me say a few things about the experience up until that point.

REFLECTION
What I write here doesn’t do justice to the amount of discussion and reflection that occurred.  Simply put, this experience helped me realize that I need to think of Kayla as an adult who not only chooses to be submissive, but thrives in her submission.  In addition, I need to dispel my preconceived notions of what it was going to be like with Kayla in the household.  I shared before that “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” (Post 81. Expectations).  Before Kayla moved in I tried hard to get everyone on the same page with clear expectations, but sometimes you just can’t predict where things will go.  At the time, Kayla wasn’t sure of her needs or how her desires would evolve.  Despite her honesty with what she was feeling and thinking at the time, she now has a much better sense of herself and realizes her needs are not going to be fulfilled with simply following my DD.  

KAYLA’S NEEDS
This experience told me I still didn’t completely “get it” regarding reconciling my domestic discipline with Kayla’s needs.  I first wrote about this in Post 111. DD Jenny Style vs. Kayla Style.   Kayla has now clearly articulated her needs and expectations.  In her words, “She is Mike’s.”  She says she feels pain when she is not submissive, not honest, and not completely surrendered to Mike.  She says the emotional pain of letting him down is worse than any spanking.  She wants to be fully observant to all his wants and needs without thought of her own desires.  I disrespected those feelings by asking her to keep something from Mike, even if just for a moment.  Of course, I didn’t really understand how deep those feelings were.  I do now.

I know understand and accept that Kayla’s relationship with Mike has nothing to do with Domestic Discipline.  While there is some overlap in acts of service and punishments, her relationship with Mike is clearly Dominant/Submissive, and has some Master/Slave overtones.

MY NEEDS
I have never been threatened by Kayla’s needs nor had any concerns, and that is still the case.  Her needs don’t change what I get out of being submissive, or change what Mike expects and deserves from me. I enjoy and thrive within the domestic discipline that has evolved between Mike and I.  I also love and admire him for his added responsibility of being a Dom to Kayla.  It actually turns me on to watch him in that role.   

From the start my hopes for Kayla were for her to find what fulfilled her, and those hopes haven’t changed.  I will continue to talk with her to help ensure she is honest with her self assessments.  “Self-knowledge” is so important.  As we already learned in just two months, your understanding of your needs can change over time, and if you don’t stay in touch with yourself, it is hard to act on those changing needs or voice those changes to those around you that aren’t understanding your needs have changed.  Kayla had actually been trying to voice this for a while, but these events allowed her to clearly articulate her need for a distinct D/s relationship with Mike.

Oh, and Kayla doesn’t hold any grudge for me “getting her into trouble” and believe me, I will make sure to never “conspire” with her on anything.  And I continue to be her “Ma’am.”

OH. . . THE SOAPING
I decided against providing details, but yes, Mike followed through with the “rinsing” punishment with Kayla regarding her cussing.  Kayla said it was much like other punishments where us submissive’s have a love/hate relationship with the punishment.  I’ll take her word for it.   

NEXT: 120. Am I a feminist? (Epic Rant)

 

 

   

 

 

 

118. The Stick of Truth, Part II

sotpart2

I had to break this up to two posts (actually will be three!) as I wanted to share some of the details.  You’ll have to read the prior post to understand where this picks up.  It’s not like me to share this level of detail, but, I thought it was important in understanding what we went through, and, it was kinda fun writing about it!  

Before I get back to the story, a quick observation that Kayla made about my posts.  She noticed I always refer to Mike as “Mike”, or to myself as “Jen” when sharing the dialogue that went on between us.  The truth is, when we talk to Kayla both Mike and I will refer to the other as “Sir” or “Ma’am.”  So I might say to Kayla, “Sir wants us to such and such…” instead of “Mike wants us to…”    However, when I write about it, I always refer to the statement as “Mike wants us to…”   I am not sure why that is, but I prefer to keep it that way. I told Kayla that I think it is because I want to remind y’all (yes, I say y’all – I am from Texas after all) that our lifestyle doesn’t change the fact we are just Mike and Jen.   Anyway, I thought it was interesting as I never consciously made that decision.  I never even noticed until Kayla pointed it out.  I plan to keep referring to us that way.  Okay, back to what happened.

BACK TO WHAT HAPPENED
After dinner Mike helped me clean up, which is rare, but not unheard of.  He then asked me to tend to getting J’s evening wrapped up and getting him to bed and he would go “check on Kayla.”  He then added, “Then we all have some things to discuss, don’t we?”
I knew Kayla said something to him and I wasn’t sure what all he meant by “checking on Kayla.”  I was concerned that she told him everything and he was going through with the punishment.  I asked him if we could talk and he said no, we could talk after J was asleep.
He then added, “And don’t go to our room or Kayla’s until J is down for the night.”  I reluctantly gave a “Yes, Sir.”

As it was explained to me, Mike went to Kayla’s room.  She apparently had been crying quite a bit and between the tears and the slobber was quite a mess.  He didn’t say anything for some time.  He rummaged through her “toy chest” and did not respond when she asked, “Is that you, Sir?” (she was blindfolded).   He eventually walked over to her and pulled up hard on the chains attached to the nipple and clit clamps and finally said, “Yes, it is me.  I am pondering an appropriate way to respond to your transgression.”

He took off her blindfold and removed the clamps, but left the ball gag in.  He then attached these nifty suckers we have (called the Fusion Triple Suckers, I recommend them!).  He put one on each nipple and her clit and then just stared at her for a while, occasionally ratcheting the suckers another half turn.  He told her that she was going to have to stay there until J was down for the night, which could be an hour or more.  She mumbled something through the gag so he removed it.   She said she had to pee.  He asked her if she could hold it and she said not that long.  He said he would be back soon and he left the room.

He returned with some hospital grade absorbent bed pads.  We had some left over from years of J having incontinence issues at night (that issue eventually resolved itself).  Oh – and he also brought a glass of water.    He told her she could try to hold it, but in the event she could not, she would just have to go in her bed.  He lined some pads underneath her and laid another one over waist. He then said, “drink all of this quickly,” as he handed her the glass of water.  She didn’t object and simply responded, “Yes, Sir” and drank the glass of water.  Mike then put the ball gag and blindfold back on her and he removed the sucker that was on her clit.  As he left the room he then told her someone would return once J was down.

This particular gag has a ball that is fairly medium-sized.  Large enough to cause a lot of drool, but small enough that your jaw is not stuck wide open when using it. Also, the ball is soft and does not go much past the teeth..  You can partially close your mouth if you bite down really hard.  Lastly, we are always sure to leave the person’s head free to move from side to side.  All of this is in the name of safety as you want to prevent all possible breathing obstructions if leaving a gagged person alone.   Even with all of this, having it in more than 15 or 30 minutes will leave you with a sore jaw.  She already had it in at least 45 minutes before her brief respite.

Mike didn’t say a word to me when he returned from checking on Kayla.  I was tempted to ask him or say something, but I knew he would not appreciate it as clearly he is choosing not to say anything to me about it, plus, I knew it would not make for family dinner conversation.  I think he knew his silence was driving me crazy.  I had no idea what Kayla had told him or what Mike was having Kayla do.  It was a bit a mind fu*k by Mike.   I would have enjoyed it more if I wasn’t worrying about Kayla.

I did my best to encourage my son to go to bed, but it was still another hour and half before he did so.  When I told Mike that J was asleep, he told me to go check on Kayla.  He told me that her room may be “a bit messy” and to not mind the mess and just get Kayla cleaned up.  He told me to remove whatever Kayla has on her, except the blindfold, and to take her into the shower and get her clean. He told me to tell her that she is not to speak until he speaks to her.  In addition, after I tell her that, I am not to speak another word to her.  He further instructed that once Kayla was clean I was to remain clothed, sit down, and instruct Kayla to get over my knees.  We would both remain silent and remain in that position until he comes into the room and gave further instructions.

I went to Kayla’s room saw the soaked pads across her lap and on her bed. I also saw her nipples and areolas were purple (not a heavy purple, but purple none-the-less) from the extended wear of the suckers.  Her pillow, neck, and chest and sides were wet with drool.  I removed the suckers and ball gag and although I hadn’t said anything, I guess she sensed my touch as she immediately said, “Thank you, Ma’am.”  I grabbed a tee shirt from her drawer and wiped her down a bit and told her she is not to speak until Mike comes. I didn’t explain what I was doing as I led her from her room into our bathroom and into the shower.  As I showered her off, she never said a word and just stoically stood.  The only reaction she gave was a quick wince when I wiped her chest, as apparently her nipples were a bit sore from the extended use of the suckers.  Mike probably didn’t anticipate the issue with the blindfold and the shower.  It was able to stay on during the shower, but it was soaked.  When I dried her off I tried my best to dry the blindfold without removing it.  Having that wet thing pressed against her face was just one more discomfort she would have endure.  I got dry and instructed her to get over my knee and we would wait for Mike.

I kept waiting for Kayla to say something.  I was impressed and amazed that Kayla never said a word. She was told not to speak until Mike spoke to her, and she was obeying without fail.  She was not teary eyed and was very calm.  Her vibe actually made me feel a bit better as it gave me a sense that she was enjoying this.  Not sure why I sensed that.  She wasn’t smiling or seemed very expressive in any way.  Perhaps it was hard to read her feelings because the blindfold covered her eyes, but I still picked up a stoic and calm demeanor from her. 

Mike came into the room and immediately told me to start spanking Kayla with my hand and not stop until he said to.  I began spanking her and several times Mike told me to spank harder or faster, so I did.  Kayla was now much more animated, flailing a bit.  Mike told her that every time her hand reached back to block mine or to try to rub her ass, he would add another five minutes to the spanking.  I did my best to spread the whacks around.  My hand and arm was growing tired and finally Mike told me to stop after what seemed like around ten minutes.  At the pace I was spanking her, that was probably 800 or so spankings.  Her ass was a bright cherry red. 

She couldn’t have received that spanking six weeks ago with J in the house.  This type of spanking used to require one of us to take her over to John and Donna’s (they have been very accommodating).  Kayla is a crier, and while she still almost always cries when spanked, she is a bit more muted and muffled with her noises.  Still lots of tears, but not as much wailing.

Mike then handed me a bottle of lube and told me to finger Kayla’s ass, something I never did before.  Mike re positioned her over my knee so that her ass was more squarely in my lap and she had to prop her arms on the floor to maintain her balance.  As gently and with as much lube as possible, I did as I was told.  My mind was thinking about how there has been an increasing amount of incorporating sex and other physical acts into punishments, something that used to be separate for us.   While some of this was just a slow and natural progression of my DD, I recognized that this particular act was directly due to Kayla’s past requests to be more dominated.

Even though I was using quite a bit of lube, I could tell her pussy was very wet on its own, which I thought of as another sign that she was enjoying this to some degree.  At some point Mike walked over and told me not to stop.  He pulled his pants down and his cock out, walked around, and lifted Kayla a bit by the shoulders so her head was better positioned to reach his cock.  He told me to keep fingering and get “that ass ready for me” as Kayla sucked away on Mike. 

He soon dropped Kayla back down so she was once again had her arms propping her up. He walked to the other side of her and told me to spread her ass.  I’ve been present when Mike and Kayla had anal sex, but not from this vantage point.  Mike entered inside her and while a nice tight fit, it went in fairly easy.   I actually enjoyed this position.  I could feel Kayla’s heartbeat through my thighs, she was making pleasurable soft groans, and I could see that Mike was enjoying it.  Add to that the nice visual I had of watching it closely go in and out, and I had forgotten we were even in a punishment session.   It wasn’t long before Mike came inside her ass.

He then told her and I to stand up. He embraced all of us and said that this concluding the punishment “for now.”  He wanted us to have a good nights rest and tomorrow there would be a second part to this punishment.  Although it not a day that Kayla was scheduled to sleep in our bed, Mike told her she would sleep with us tonight.  He said there would not be any sex, just so loving cuddling.   I think he knew that after the intensity of the last several hours that Kayla endured, it would be rough to just say, “Goodnight, now get to your bedroom.”  That just wouldn’t be proper aftercare.

He removed her blindfold and told her she would need to find another one (we have several) to wear to bed.  He wanted her to wake up in darkness and keep the blindfold on in the morning until he told her to remove it.  We all embraced and lovingly kissed each other for several minutes.  We then resumed our evening routines and soon it was bedtime and that was that. 

Unlike a normal Rewards Ceremony, Mike never asked Kayla or me to state what the transgression was.  And he never asked about what happened in the day that caused me to spank Kayla.  I was still in the dark as to what he knew or what was said between he and Kayla.   I was assuming the punishment she got was due to the cussing, but was a bit confused since it didn’t conform to what I expected.  Mike didn’t punish me or scold me in any way, so what was this all about?  I felt like reminding him that he said that there was something we were going to discuss, so, what was it?  However, I didn’t want to ruin the moment and he clearly was content with the state of things at the moment.  I didn’t see any reason to potentially disrupt that.

NEXT:  The Stick of Truth, Part III.