Tag Archives: punishment

247. Hey, my husband spanks me!

247

This is a continuation of my prior post… sort of.

This time I will get to some discipline experiences. 

But first, this little interlude. . . 

SYNCOPATHIC CACOPHONY
Here are things I’ve been punished for lately, sometimes in summary or detailed more greatly, but where it lacks the narrative of the swift hard whacks, I give you clear citations of the cold hard facts.  You can call me remiss for the skips of a hit of the paddle or swig of the piss, but there are times due to brevity I’ve got to use levity and enjoy the descriptions of my discipline prescriptions as I stop being so zany and start some explaining so no more hesitations. . . Read on.  And feel my sensations. 

Maybe the better word is cacaphony (uh oh, is caca a vulgar word? I hope not re #4 below). 

Here you go, with references to the section of the Contract that deals with my transgression.

TRANSGRESSION 1:  GROSS-ery DISREGARD FOR DRESS CODE

I was in the house and was not naked when required to be.

I got home with some groceries and they were in the back of the van so I couldn’t close the garage door until I had them groceries out.  This is important because I typically disrobe once I close the garage door and before I enter the house.  But since I needed to leave the garage door open, I leave my clothes on until the groceries are inside.  

I brought some groceries in and I wanted to get some of the stuff in the freezer right away.  There were still a few things in the car so I thought, “I’ll get these things put away, go get what’s in the car, then undress.”  I was putting away a few things and Kayla walked in and said she would get the last few things from the car.  Great.  I kept putting the groceries away as she brought the last items in she went back to whatever she was doing. .   I had them all put away and started on some other chores.  Maybe 10 minutes, maybe 15… Kayla walks back in and was like, “Hey, your clothed.”  Oops.  I disrobed immediately.  I had to tell on myself when Mike got home.

  • Violation of Section V.2.2.3 Attire
  • Discipline:  Mr. Creative, aka, Mike, had to defer my spanking until J was asleep that night.  He told me to get dressed as if I was going shopping and follow him out to the car (parked in our garage).  He was carrying a paddle and directed me to lay face down in the back seat and pull my skirt up and panties down.  He positioned himself in the front so that he could reach over to the back and spank me.  He gave me about 10 warm ups, and then 10 harder ones.  He then told me to pull up my panties, and follow him inside and I was to disrobe at the door.

    Once in the kitchen he directed me to take a couple of things out of the fridge and pantry and put them on the counter.  He had me bend over, hands on the counter, staring at the items – 10 swats, hard of course.  Then he had me put the food back where it belonged.

    And then we repeated.  Got dressed, went to the car, 10 swats, disrobed, back inside, put some food out on the counter, 10 swats, put the food back, and repeat a third and final time.  So 60 swats total.  Then he gave me 30 minutes of corner time in the kitchen before concluding with our closing ceremony.    

TRANSGRESSION:  MANTRA MISS
Twice over the last month I’ve messed up our mantra rule.  Before explaining the misstep, I want to add that I really love the mantras, way more than I thought.  I liked the idea from the beginning, but thought I would tire of it.  Perhaps I will, but it has been 6 months and I still love it.  It is an awesome way to start and end every day. 

One time I was in bed reading while Mike was busy at the computer and I fell asleep.  Mike didn’t wake me when he got to bed.  It is my responsibility to seek him out if I am going to bed and think I may fall asleep before he gets there.

Another time I said the mantra, which is the last thing I am to speak before going to bed, and then Mike asked me something that I answered.  It happens, and I simply repeat the mantra again.  There are times I’ve had to say it over and over as something will come up requiring me to speak.  No big deal, it happens.  But this time I failed to do that and went to sleep without reciting it again.  To be fair, I was basically asleep when Mike asked me something, so while I answered it half-awake, I quickly fell back asleep after answering him.  My brain couldn’t process that I needed to repeat the mantra.

  • Violation of Section V.2.1.5 Mantras
  • Discipline:
    It’s very discombobulating to be awaken by a spanking.  For one of these punishments, I happened to be asleep on my tummy, so Mike simply pulled back the covers and I awoke to spanks on my buttocks.  For another, I happened to be on my side.  Being the devious creative Dom that he is, he got a clothespin and clipped it to my nipple.  I didn’t wake up so he started pulling on it and clipping and unclipping it.  I woke in a dazed “WTF?” kind of state (I didn’t actually say those words).  Before I fully got my bearings he moved me over on my stomach and began spanking me.  I didn’t comprehend why as it was hard to think from both the surprise of the spanking and the grogginess of the sleep.  As this wasn’t the first time I have been awakened this way, the reasons for the spanking eventually dawned on me as the spanking progressed. 
    Spankings give me a rush of adrenaline, making it hard to go right back to sleep.  Mike remedied that.  “Now, sit down and write out the mantra 50 times.”  Yeah, that took care of the adrenaline.

TRANSGRESSION:  STRIKE WHILE THE IRONS…um, COLD?
I iron my husbands clothes.  Not just his work shirts, but his t-shirts, slacks, and shorts.  The only thing I don’t iron are his underwear and socks – I am a feminist after all!   lol.

Ironing is likely the biggest icon of the classic 1950’s misogynistic acts of service expected of housewives.  It’s funny, but my lunch bunch friends are more shocked that I iron my husbands clothes than they are that I share my husband with another woman.  Ironing evokes that strong of reaction in many women!

I enjoy it.  I love to have everything turned off so it is quiet, and just enough light so I can see what I am doing.  It is semi-meditative for me.  Working with my hands to make something nice looking and comfortable for Mike that will also be against his skin. It’s like a part of me is always touching him.  Yummy, I even like thinking about it. 

Well, maybe I had it too dark one day when I ironed, as Mike noticed a large crease in one of his shirts.  He simply pointed it out and reminded me to pay attention.  He does give me reminders sometimes versus going right to a punishment.  He then got to looking and found a few other less than perfect shirts.  “Bad day ironing, huh?  I’ll let it go, but you have to do better.”

His statement is something worth noting as it shows the evolution of our DD.   Early on in DD I would been upset over him telling me to “do better.”  Regardless his tone of voice, it sounds a bit condescending.  But now it is that sort of blunt commentary that I love.  To me, comments like that are more dominating than a spank on the butt.  And I love it when Mike shows his dominance.  It also shows I have indeed gone from DD that is mine to DD that is for me.   

At that point I avoided being disciplined, other than verbally, when he happens to notice issues with several other shirts.  Oh shirt!  Let the spanking commence.

  • Violation of Section V.2.1.4 Homemaker
  • Discipline:  Mike’s creativity was challenged since obviously branding me with the iron is a hard limit.  He gave me 10 warm ups with a paddle, then took a plastic hanger (no wire hangers!!) and tried swatting me with it.  It hurt a little bit but then it broke.  I guess they aren’t spanko tested.  He went into the closet and way in the back in the furthest corner, there was a single wire hanger.  He twisted it apart, got in into a loop, and spanked me maybe a dozen times.  It really stung but less than I thought it was going to.
  • Sensing it didn’t quite have the desired effect, he went back into the closet and came out with the iron.  He created a loop with the cord and spanked me maybe another 10 times, very hard.  Those definitely got my attention.  He has only used cords a few times and I knew it was going to hurt and going to leave some marks.  Suffice to say I now keep more lights on when I iron. Oh, and Mike told me to buy a couple of wire hangers so we can have them, just in case. 

TRANSGRESSION:  WELL &%!* TO THAT!
For someone who rarely cusses, I think this is maybe only the fourth or fifth time being disciplined for doing so.  It was never a major habit of mine, and when I have, it is usually to make light of a situation.  You know, humor!

Humor or not, it’s still cussing.  As Mike reminded me, our agreement states, “any cussing by Jennifer for any reason at any time will be deemed a failure to properly express her feelings.”  I guess I blew it when negotiating that part, because come on, sometimes it is an effective way to express something.  Oh well, our next renegotiation is a year from now, so only 12 months until I can let the expletives fly.  Ha.

By the way – a small loophole.  I can use a cuss word if I am sharing what someone else said and what they said included a cuss word.  As such, I am not expressing my feelings, but theirs.  Another caveat is if I Mike’s permission, such as here, where he gave me permission to repeat the word that earned me this punishment.

Mike took exception to my use of the word “fucking” in a recent post. I used it for humor (Post 242) so thought it would be okay. I thought wrong.

  • Violation of Section V.3.2.1 Feelings
  • Discipline:  His go-to disciplining routine for verbal related discretion is a mouth soaping.  He really lathered this one up a lot. All over my tongue and lips, and I had to bite down so there are teeth marks in the soap.  It was followed with the traditional rinsing using his pee, and after a few rinses, I had to drink the remaining pee.  He then said that since I think cussing is funny for its “shock” value, he pulled out the OH DIOS MIO (violet wand)He has only used this a few times, shocking me on my butt or breasts or on my sides. This time he had me stick out my tongue and said I was getting five shocks.  They did hurt, but as in “shock” type hurt.  The pain doesn’t last long.  But knowing that initial shock is about to hit makes it more of a psychological disciplining than physical.  Your mind is just anticipate this awful powerful shock.  It hurts, but not as much as your mind tells you it is going to hurt – and it is that anticipation that makes this such an effective discipline.

REFLECTION
There’s a few others I could share, but I think that paints a good picture.  Keep in mind these occurred over the last three months, so it really isn’t that many.  I haven’t been disciplined a lot lately – and I am not complaining.  The spankings I get at Maintenance are plenty for helping maintain my submissive mindset. 

The “today” Jenny is satisfied just ending this post here — let the punishments stand for whatever you think they stand for.  I know what they mean to me and I accept them and love that I have a relationship that allows for my husband to address my behaviors.

However, for the benefit of some readers who struggle with my acceptance of being treated this way, I will write a bit more (A bit? Since when do I ever right “a bit” more about anything?).   

SHOULD I BE PUNISHED FOR SUCH TRIVIAL THINGS?
Yes.

See, I told you it would just be a bit more

Next: 248. Secret Ingredients Revealed

219. I am Angry (and that’s okay)

219

Last night Mike told me I can not attend the Super Bowl party.  I am to use this time alone, while they are having fun, to do “all I want” online.   All the other restrictions remain in place until further notice and my internet restrictions will resume once they get back from the party.  I am not happy.  I am angry.

I didn’t sleep well.  I journaled until lights out, trying my best to get out all my jumbled rage.  Even with the lights out I let the rage play out in my head as I tossed and turned.  My mind was focused on how terrible it was for Mike to keep me from the party.   I am glad I get to finally type this out.  Writing always helps.

I rewrote this post many times.  Each rendition became less angry.  Writing is wonderful that way.  It’s good to vent, even just in writing.  However, I want to give you a glimpse into where I started emotionally.  I am neither defending or apologizing for these feelings.  They simply represent what was going on in my heart.   

While you will see I made progress in reconciling my anger, the healing process is just that – a process.  The acute, sharp pain is gone, but remnants remain.  I can sense they are slowly fading, but, they are not gone.  

I put this into two posts –  on on my anger, and one on my healing.

ANGER
When Mike told me the news, I managed to give a less-than-heartfelt, “Yes, Sir.”  I couldn’t even make eye contact with Mike when I said it.  Too many emotions bubbling.  

It isn’t that I am a football fan – it is about the social aspect.  We have so much fun!  I have so much fun! And the sex is fun!   And it is tradition – Mike and I were doing this long before DD, before John and Donna – all the way back to when we were first dating.  We hang out together for the Super Bowl.  It’s what we do and have done for over 25 years.  MIKE AND I ALWAYS DO IT TOGETHER.

I’ve been so good all week.  I was expecting Mike to tell me he was ending the restrictions and I was anticipating a day of fun together.   Instead, I can’t go to the party AND all the restrictions are staying in place (except for being able to go online while they are at the party).  Hrumpf!!! 

I was glad to have our Sunday Maintenance session before they left for the party.   They left for the party around 1:00 – yeah, it is a long and fun party.  Of course, because I am so lucky, I get to have my Maintenance before they go to have their fun. Yea, me! (That wasn’t too subtle with the sarcasm was it?  I hope not). 

I got all the catch up spankings that were “banked.”  Three separate sets of spankings for various misbehavior, and 28 spankings for errors he found in the 700 lines I wrote over the course of the week.  I was so anxious to speak that despite an awful lot of spankings and a very sore bottom, the discomfort didn’t even register in my mind.  Finally,  I get to speak!

I did my best to plan my words in advance – humble, respectful, and calm.  But in the moment, adrenaline kicks in (or is that anger?).  Despite my best efforts, anger is hard to hide.  Not only was Mike unmoved, but after one warning, I was spanked for the tone I was using.  On the third offense, he gave me lines.  I think he gave me the lines instead of another spanking because I actually made him angry.  He was aware enough to not spank me in anger.  Not that the lines won’t mean more spanking later, but, at least he will be calm.

I know he purposely left me my internet time today to serve as further punishment.  It isn’t lost on me that while they are partying it up, I am spending time doing the very things that got me on restriction to begin with.   Part of me wants to show him by not even logging on.  But, he did say, “you will use this time to do what you want online.”  It wasn’t a suggestion.  Plus the writing always helps me vent.    

I have never felt so upset over my discipline.  I don’t agree with it, I feel it is excessive, he is treating me like a child.  I am so good to him.  I have accepted all the restrictions without complaint.  I deserve to go to the party.   Just spank me and get over it.  I am not a child. 

NOT A CHILD!
I get the irony.  Spanking me somehow isn’t treating me like a child, but not allowing me to go to a party is?   Well, bite me!   Yes, Mike spanks me, disciplines me in other ways, scolds me, instructs me, etc.  I concede they are consistent with describing a parental authority figure.  There is no explaining or convincing anyone – you just have to be someone who is fulfilled by being submissive to understand it.  This particular course of discipline has me feeling like I am being treated like a child.

IF NOT A CHILD, STOP BEHAVING LIKE ONE
I admit it!  I am sure at least one of you out there was already thinking it.  My feelings match my behavior and thinking.  I am behaving and thinking like a child.  I am upset because I am not getting what I want!   There, I said it.  Is that so bad?  I want to be there.  

SUBMISSION FAILING ME
I want to behave the right way, I want to accept this the right way, I want to submit to his decision — even if it is uncomfortable to do so.  That is what submission is.  blah blah blah.  Sorry, I feel what I feel and currently my feelings goes beyond being uncomfortable.  I am mad!

Disagreeing with Mike feels awful, like I am undermining my submission.  It’s like I can feel my emotions are betraying my devotion to Mike, but I can’t stop them.  I am still mad and I still feel I should be at the party!

It disturbs me that I am upset with Mike for “doing this to me,” and it disturbs me that my heart, my attitude, and my commitment towards submission isn’t helping me deal with this difficulty.    I am disturbed because I know that isn’t the “right way” to feel, but screw it, that’s how I feel.

Take a breath — remind myself that anger isn’t an emotion.  Anger covers up emotions.  So, what is it that I am feeling that is triggering the anger?

JEALOUSY?
I am not jealous of Kayla. I am happy she gets to attend. I know she looked forward to it, not just the social aspect of course, but the sexual exploration.  Three men!  I do wish I could be there for that.  I trust Mike, as does Kayla, but it would be prudent to have another set of eyes and ears focused on how Kayla was doing – namely, MY eyes and ears.  See, it isn’t just for me that I should be there.  It would benefit Kayla!

I do feel jealous of Mike!  This is very odd for me and it surprises me.  I don’t like this feeling, but it is there none-the-less.  Why does HE get to attend and I don’t?  Why does he get to enjoy our annual day of fun and I don’t?

As I think more about it, I do feel jealousy towards Mike, Kayla, John and Donna.  Why do people I love get to have such fun and new experiences without me when I am supposed to be there and deserve to be there?

ISOLATION?
I’ve had a week of feeling isolated.  Sure, physically I’ve been home and others have been around.  But the restrictions served to isolate me.  I feel like there will be this constant reminder of missing this party.  All of them are sure to talk of it and share their stories.  I don’t want to relive missing out on it by hearing their stories.   There will be the inevitable, “Hey Jen, remember that Super Bowl  when…”  and then it will be like, “Oh yeah, you weren’t there.”   

I’ve been crying since they left, wallowing in my misery!  And yes, I fully identify with the feeling of isolation right now.

NOT WORTHY? 
It’s like Mike pushed me aside and doesn’t want me to enjoy what is our traditional and expected day and evening of fun.  He will throw that tradition away for what?  To make a point about my behavior?

I try to remind myself that submitting to Mike’s discipline has been a good thing.  Pre-DD, if there was something I disagreed with this strongly, believe me, it would have meant yelling and screaming – days, if not weeks of resentment.  Now THAT was childish.  Not only did that mean lots of emotional anguish, but it was often very hard to fully heal from those types of arguments.

Ah!  To heal.  That’s a great word. 

Maybe it’s time to focus on that.  Time to try and focus on healing my misery.  

I ask myself a simple question regarding my anger. Can submission lead me to find healing?” 

Next:  220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline

218. Other forms of discipline: Restrictions

Hello again.  Mike gave me some internet time this morning.  It is the lesser of an hour or whenever J wakes up.  Thus I got an early start in hopes of getting all of this done before he wakes.

This is the first time I’ve been online since my last post.   Well, that’s not true.  Oops!

As I shared, part of my punishment is that, starting Monday (five days ago),  I could not go online.  Well, to show just how deep I had fallen into my obsession, I cheated the very first day!

Mike allowed me to have my phone when I went to the store.  What could it hurt to take a  quick peek at my comments on my blog?  A peek led to reading more, then liking this one, liking that one. . . oh, what about the reader?  Down the rabbit hole!   I soon felt guilty (not soon enough) and got off my phone.  Of course, I told on myself as I can’t keep such things secret.

I was prepared for a good spanking.  Instead, Mike surprised me.  He put me on restriction – that is, he revoked a variety (okay, A LOT!) of privileges.  He’s rarely done this before, and restrictions typically lasted the rest of the day or at most 24 hours.  This time they are “at least for a week, perhaps longer.”  (they started  the evening of Jan 28).

RESTRICTIONS

  1. Phone and laptop taken away. 
    He carries my phone with him and he took my laptop to his office and is keeping it there.  I am even forbidden from inquiring with him as to who may have called or texted.  He will let me know if something needs my immediate response.    
  2. Sleep in Kayla’s bed at night.
    I am sleeping in Kayla’s room while Kayla sleeps in my bed with Mike.  This is not unheard of, but not for this many days!  
  3. Refrain from sexual activity.
    Of any kind, with anyone, including myself.  I haven’t gone a week without sex in at least three years, maybe more.
  4. No Thursday Maintenance
    If that sounds like a bonus, it isn’t.  I love my maintenance sessions.
  5. “Banked” Discipline until Sunday Maintenance. 
    In other words, no spankings until Sunday.   Sound good?  Nope!  Read #6.  This is one withdrawal from the bank that I don’t look forward to!    hee-hee
  6. Doubly Triply-strict.
    Mike expects, “perfection” from me this week.  As of this writing I have three Transgressions “banked” for tomorrow.  Not bad considering the “perfection” expectation.  But 3 punishments back-to-back-to-back?  Yikes! (plus #7)
  7. Write 100 lines per day.
    New phrase each day.  Lines are critiqued by Mike with two spankings per errors/sloppiness (also “banked” per #5).  Mike has critiqued the ones I’ve done thus far, but hasn’t told me my grade.  I was extremely careful and took my time since there was no time limit on getting them done – and it wasn’t like I had other pressing engagements for “me” time.  (got to keep the humor up!)
  8. Any remaining “me” time is spent in Kayla’s bedroom reading.
    No television, no iPod, nothing.  And when I do have the opportunity to relax I must go to Kayla’s room to read.  Mike doesn’t even want me to lay on our bed or sit in our room.     
  9. No social visits to/from anyone.
    Canceled lunch with my sisters that we had planned, and rescheduled my last “Etiquette” consultation. 
  10. Must remain clothed all day.
    You’d have to be submissive and accustomed to being naked a lot to understand how this is a punishment.  Believe me, it is!
  11. Early bedtime. 
    I get ready for bed as soon as the kitchen is cleaned after dinner – not so much as a “goodnight” from anyone.  I close the bathroom door when bathing (which is not usual), and I put on pajamas before emerging (also not the norm).  I can’t even sleep naked!  I can read and/or journal (or work on #12) until 9:30, but then it is lights out.  If I wake up early, I stay quietly in bed until our normal wake up time. This may sound like a holiday, and while the extra rest is nice, it all feels very isolating.  
  12.  Hand write my weekly research paper.
    Still have to keep with this
    quarter’s goal. Mike printed out several articles on this weeks’ topic since I couldn’t search it myself.  I have to hand write out my report, neatly and double spaced.  The reports are subject to Mike’s critique and shortcomings could result in punishment.  I’ll post about these reports eventually.    
  13.  Restricted from Super Bowl Sinday?
    Mike is undecided as to whether or not I will be allowed to attend.  NO!!!!!  I really want to go.

This hour of internet time today is nice – some “time off for good behavior!”  I am hopeful I get off restriction tomorrow and attend the festivities.  I can sure use a party after a week of feeling isolated and to some degree, bored.      

INTERNET WITHDRAWALS
Not having my phone caused actual withdrawals.  Anxiety and anxiousness abound!  It wasn’t until around Thursday that it seemed like I finally got over it.  I still have a sense of curiosity,  but it isn’t the same painful yearning I first had.  However, those withdrawals were replaced by orgasm withdrawals.  HA!  Actually, not very “ha.”  I am serious.  I am very horny.   Several years of averaging more than one orgasm a day and then cold turkey for a week is a lot of adjustment for my body.   I need oxytocin and all those other feel good endorphins released by sex!  By the way, you know studies show that your brain releases a bit of oxytocin and those other feel good endorphins when you get a “like” on a social media post.  Sure, not the same as sex, but still, just a little tingle for your body to enjo
y. So, give this a “like” and you will be helping me get aroused! Ha!

I will say that losing connection with the internet world was initially disturbing to be, but eventually became peaceful.  Initially a lot of anxiety,  but then calming.  Simply put, the feelings have been weird and remarkable.  I recommend everyone take an occasional internet sabbatical!

SPANKING HIATUS!
My chores and adhering to my rules help keep my submissive mindset, but honestly, having punishments deferred and not having the Thursday Maintenance has left me yearning.  To satisfy it, 
I have gone above and beyond my normal duties to serve Mike this week.  While not perfect, I have been doubly attentive to him and extremely focused on every task.

The results of my punishment?  Well, it has been painful and I can’t wait for it to be over.  I never want to face these restrictions again and will remain diligent with my time.  Aha!  So this discipline is serving its job as being a deterrent and providing me focus to not repeat my misbehavior.  I guess that makes it effective and appropriate — but I still don’t like it! 

HARDEST PARTS
The worst is the nighttime isolation.  Being clothed and not even being seen naked, not having any down time in the evening with Mike and/or Kayla,  having to sleep by myself — It’s a lonely experience, but loneliness can be, and has been, a healing penance. 

The no sex has been tough, especially hearing Mike and Kayla go at it at night.    In some ways hearing them feeds my submissive mindset as it is a very submissive thing for me to accept.  But still, abstinence doesn’t suit me, and having to hear them makes it even more difficult.     

Wearing clothes all day has been tougher than I thought it would be.  I really enjoy being naked.  It reminds me of a story I’ll have to share on a future post of my lack of modesty when I was a little girl.  Another time!   Simply put, I like being naked, more than just from a submissive standpoint.

Being clothed has been even more difficult on days Kayla is home – she remains naked.    Normally, it doesn’t even dawn on me that she (or I) is naked – it has become that  normalized for us. It serves as a reminder to me that I am “different” right now.
This week, I couldn’t stop staring at her.  I even apologized to her if I was “creeping her out” with my stares (she just laughed and said “no.”).   As I started my mind would long to be naked, to be submissive.  

The potential of not being part of the Super Bowl festivities is a severe punishment all by itself.  It is a lot of fun and it will be interesting to have Matt there.  We always have a blast, even pre-DD days, but of course, a mega-blast since then.  It is an excuse we use to be crazy, silly, and adventurous. . .because. . . you know. . .our life outside of this is just so vanilla and boring.  HA!   (Have you noticed I often use humor to cope with a negative situation?  You haven’t?  What are you, new?).  I admit it will hurt if I can’t go.  My fingers are crossed! 

REFLECTION
This punishment isn’t just about
what I did.  It is also about failing to heed Mikes warning and then, even worse, failing to follow his instructions regarding the initial restrictions he imposed.   And it deals with a subject that, at it’s core, is one of those things that caused major problems pre-DD.  From the start of our DD, I specifically identified this as something I wanted to improve about myself as it was a major impediment to my ability to be the wife and mother I wanted to be.

My pre-DD “vices” can be summed up as spending unwisely –money and time.  Add in that I was often controlling, demanding, stubborn and unforgiving.  I never want to go back to that Jenny again. 

I would have preferred a spanking, even a very harsh one, instead of these restrictions.

NOURISHMENT
This week, any time I felt a yearning for submission growing in me, I simply focused on one thought to quickly nourish my submissive mindset — 
Submission isn’t about my preferences.

And with that, my internet time is up!

Next: 219. I am Angry (and that’s okay)

211. Eek! Dom Fail!

Eek

I often follow a “punishment” related post with one of reflection.  Writing helps clear my mind of various thoughts following an intense punishment.  This time I don’t feel the need for it.  I accept it, I earned it, I am influenced by it, I am uplifted by it, and I am fulfilled by it.  It is aligned with my desires to be compliant with the commitments I have made to myself and Mike — he can do no wrong in my mind when it comes to his disciplining me.

Or can he? 

THE LUNCH BUNCH
I have a “lunch bunch” group of girlfriends that get together now and then, yes, typically for lunch.  (I posted about them before and about inappropriately revealing certain TTWD’s to them that earned me a punishment).  We are more connected via social media than in person, but we try to get together every now and then.  I missed the last couple of gatherings – schedule conflict or maybe I was sick one of the times.  Whatever, I am overdue for attending one of these. 

MIKE SAYS NO, and a bit more
Early last week I got a text about getting together for lunch later this week.  My calendar is clear and I know I can get my chores done and still attend.  As per my rules, I ask Mike for permission.

“No, you may not go.”

He gives no explanation and adds, “I want you to text back these words exactly, “Mike said I can’t attend this time.  Maybe the next one.”

Despite my surprise in hearing ‘no,’ my submissive reflexes are quick and I respond with a clear, “Yes, Sir.” I waste no time and get my phone.  Send!  Shortly thereafter I get a text back saying, “Hope to see you next time,” along with the “eek” emoji.  That’s the emoji face with the grimace showing it’s teeth.  

“Sir, did I fail to put something on my calendar, I show I was free at that time?”

“No, there isn’t anything I am aware of that you need to do.”

I accept his answer.  I enjoy these lunches but I enjoy submitting to Mike even more.  If he has something in mind such that he doesn’t want me to attend, so be it.  I addressed my concern regarding my calendar because failing to keep it accurate could result in a spanking.  I was curious as to why the text, but I tuck that wonderment away for a question to be asked at our next Maintenance Session.   

REFLECTION
As I journaled that night, I am hit by the magnitude of how I handled myself.  Not only do I not desire an explanation from Mike, but I don’t even try to ponder what his reasons might be.  This is huge for me!  Like, gargantuan for me!  A major event!  And it really vibrates my submissive tickle-spot to have him display this control over me.  I am not embarrassed by what I texted – I am excited!  Excited for the opportunity to explain it to her, excited to have shown Mike my love, trust, and confidence in him to obey without questioning why he said no.  I do not care why.  I am fulfilled in following his wishes.

ASKING THE QUESTION 
At our Sunday Maintenance I ask, “Sir, I have a question about the text you had me send regarding the lunch with my friends. May I ask it”

We have this routine where I basically ask permission to ask a question about a particular topic.  It’s not a specific rule, but it is in keeping with being respectful while still sharing any concerns I have.  I don’t believe he has ever told me he would not explain something when I have ask in this manner.  

“Ask away.”

“Sir, is there a particular way you recommend I handle questions she and others are certainly going to ask me.  I know she is going to tell everyone what I texted her.”

I am asked if I am bothered by this.  “No, Sir, I am excited by it.  I want to make sure I understand what I am permitted to say to her and the others.”  As per our rules, I am not to share aspects of TTWD without Mike’s permission.

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF SUBMISSION
Since October we have been much more public in displaying our D/s.   We have talked a little bit about it with our children and other extended family members — simply that I chose to let Mike “take over the reigns” so to speak, and defer more to him.  I was “tired of being in command.”  They totally accepted it as they know I was the “do everything” mom for a long time.

I think the nonchalant manner in which we explained (very little) things  helped contribute to a response that was basically, “Meh.”   That, and, well, I think most people just don’t want to know the details.  The one area that had a little more of reaction was my calling him “Sir.”  I told my kids I’ve committed to treating dad more nicely and respectfully, thus the “Sir.”   They did see that as a bit odd, but also accepted it.   Oh, back to my Maintenance Session.

BACK TO THE MAINTENANCE SESSION, ALREADY IN PROGRESS
Mike tells me he trusts in whatever I decide to share, with one condition.  He wants my responses to not reveal any more than is necessary to answer the specific question.  Thus, a simple, “Yes” or “No,” to most questions.  If they pry, then explain as necessary to answer their specific question.  I am told there is no need to lie about anything – be truthful, but show discretion. 

I thank Mike for the information and we talk a bit more about what it means to be more open with our submission.  We are “calibrated” on this subject.   

Mike asks, “Don’t you have another question?”  “No, Sir.”

His eyes open wide in amazement, “Nothing?”  Again I reply, “No, Sir,” and I add,  “I only wanted to make sure my response to them is acceptable to you.  That’s it.”

“Wow,” he says with an impressed look.  “Okay then.  I was waiting for you to ask me why I wouldn’t let you go.  Don’t you want to know?”

“Sir, I am not curious in the way curious implies an eagerness or a doubt.  I wrote it all down in my journal.”  I show him.  I wrote, “I am not curious from the standpoint curious implies eager.  I am not eager to know.  I have no wonder or doubts.  There is no anxiety or yearning.  But, I am curious from the standpoint it was unexpected, a surprising answer.  He hasn’t said ‘no’ before.  But other than the unexpected nature of it, I have no curiosity.  It is what he wants, that is more than sufficient.”   

Mike questions me, clearly needing convincing of my sincerity.  Normally I would be troubled by this, but I understood why – I’ve questioned and doubted his reasoning before, so why not now?   He was finding my response equally “curious.”   Instead of simply telling me why or moving on to another subject, Mike asks me what I think his reasons might be. 

“Sir, I haven’t thought about it, but doing so now, perhaps it was part of the “reset,” perhaps there is still something you want of me that you will reveal in time, or perhaps you are just comforted by my submitting to you.  Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter to me unless you want me to know.” 

 I was not saying this for the sake of appearing submissive.  It is truly my mindset.  I don’t seek any reason other than I desire to serve him.  It feels really good to feel this way.  Amazingly good.  Again, my submissive tickle spot is vibrating like crazy!   Submissive bliss inside my giant submissive bliss-filled bubble.  

“Well,” Mike says sheepishly, “I wish I could say any one of those was my reason.  But to be honest, I am sorry to say it wasn’t for anything as nice as that.”

“Pop!”  I could feel my bubble burst. 

DOM FAIL
I am bewildered as he remains silent.  “Sir?  Mike?  Are you going to explain?”

“Well, you see. . . in the moment you asked, there was just something that told me to say “no.”  So I said it.  My next thought was that I was reminded of your disobedience when you had your last lunch and told them those things about us.  Something just clicked in my head to think you shouldn’t be allowed to see them this one time as punishment.”

I recognized my submissive reflexes turned themselves off. I take in a deep breath and remind myself to “Think loving intentions.  Be respectful.  Stay calm.”  

“Sir, I am sorry too, but that really bothers me.  Any discipline I receive is to be over once you say it is over.  And we had a closing ceremony and all was forgiven.  That’s why we say those words.  ‘All is forgiven’ is to mark the end so that it can also mark a new beginning, no lingering resentments.”   There, I was calm.   But then, snidely I add, “That was like a YEAR ago!” (Hey, I was almost perfect in my response.  Remember, progress, not perfection!).

“Jen, let’s not make this about your submission.  Please don’t raise your voice.  Yes, I screwed up.  I am sorry.  I didn’t think it through and just reacted.  When I first said ‘no’ I really didn’t even know why.  It was only in the seconds afterwards that I connected it to that reason.  To be honest, I didn’t think of it as additional punishment, even though you are right, it is.  Had I thought about it that way I would have changed my mind.  It really was out-of-bounds.  I am sorry.”

With that, I felt my submissive bubble starting to fill back up.  I thought of the several “submissive fails” that I have had over the last three years.  This was the first time Mike made a decision that was contrary to any “rule” we have.   And the way he owned up to it – oh my God, it was so sincere.  Not in just the words, but I could tell he was disappointed in himself.  This was not about some plot to get me.  (Something pre-DD Jenny would think). It was an honest mistake. 

I was quiet for about ten seconds and Mike asks, “What are you thinking?”

Very slowly and deliberately I say, “I am thinking. . . ”  insert dramatic pause, all is forgiven.”  And I hug him!

N.B. What about Lunch?
What is N.B.?  It’s like a P.S., and stands for Nota Bene.  It sounds so much fancier and pretentious than P.S., and of course, you know DDJennifer is all about being hoity-toity.  Yeah, right!  lol.  I digress.

So do I get to go to lunch?  Well, Mike does end up asking me if I want to go.  In 100% submission mindset I say, “Sir, if it helps you with closure on my disobedience from last year, I do not want to go.  Otherwise, yes, I would like to attend.”

With that, I am prepared to face a lot of questions at lunch later this week! (Weather permitting, we are in a bit of a deep freeze in South Texas). 

Next:  212.  Another Weigh I am Submissive

201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year

2018

Holidays are a busy time.  The comings and goings of family members mean less time for TTWD.   Add to it – nothing very notable going on to write about.  Until now.

I’ve shared that since adopting Domestic Discipline almost three years ago, arguments between Mike and I are rare.   Post 44. Argument and Post 131 are the only two that come to mind.  Hummm…perhaps there are a few others.  Oh well, you get the point – rare!   

Some credit goes to my deference to Mike – more deference=less disagreement.  But the main credit is simply adopting a better communication style.  It comes down to remaining calm and respectful, thinking before you speak, and most importantly, to come from a place of inquiry – seeking to understand before being understood.  That is, make sure you get the facts on the other person’s point of view before promoting your own.  EVERYONE can do this, even outside a D/s dynamic.  Mike has always been pretty good at communicating this way, well before DD.  But for a previous control freak like me, no way.  It was not my style and without a focus on being submissive, it never would be my style.   

While it is now “my style,” I am not always perfect!   Technically this event wasn’t an argument.  I think “disagreement” is a better term as Mike never really argued his point, he simply “enforced” it.  Ha!  That’s getting ahead of the story.  Let me start from the beginning.  

NEW YEARS EVE
To ring in the new year, Mike and I and our kids were going to spend the evening at my sister’s, along with my other sis and all their kids.  The cousins all get along and would have fun with fireworks and just hanging around.

The kids were already over at my sisters and Mike and I would soon join them.  Mike and I used the opportunity to have our Sunday Maintenance Session which we had without anything noteworthy.  We were in the kitchen talking, preparing to leave in about an hour to go to my sisters. Kayla came out, dressed and ready to leave for her New Year’s night out with Michaud.  We all chit-chatted a bit when Mike, out of nowhere, told Kayla to get on her knees and give him a blow job.   Kayla had a look of surprise but didn’t hesitate to comply.

I was puzzled and while such activities were not foreign to us, it was just so unexpected, sort of mid-conversation about nothing in particular, Kayla ready to leave out the door, and then, blow job?   After a couple of minutes Mike told her to follow him to our bedroom where they then had sex.   I was perplexed and puttered around the kitchen for a while and eventually went to the bedroom to check in on them.

I walked in as they were finished and heard Mike tell her to get dressed and she could now leave to Michaud’s.  He told her not to “clean up” and to “Leave my cum inside you.”  Kayla responded with a monotone “Yes, Sir,” to which he replied, “I think that deserves more than just an acknowledgement don’t you?  What do you say to me for allowing my cum to stay inside of you?”

Kayla said, “Thank you, Sir,” in another monotone response.  She appeared very expressionless to me, no sign of anger or fear or resentment, but no sign of joy either.

OBEDIENCE FAIL
I was in full WTF mode.  I was angry.  I was not in the mindset of looking for loving intentions.  I was not seeking to understand why.  I reached my conclusions and reacted.

Kayla headed out of the bedroom – but was still within ear shot – and in a raised voice I said, “Mike, what was that about?  Why would you do that to Kayla?”

Mike immediately told me he didn’t like my tone and made it clear he didn’t “owe” me an explanation.

My tart retort was, “You may not owe me one, but you sure as hell owe her one.”  It was about that time that I could hear the front door close as Kayla left.   

Mike heard enough.  “I told you I didn’t like your tone yet you persist with the ugliness.  Drop your panties, lift your skirt, and bend over.”

I did not do so.I disagree.  I want to talk about this first.  Really, Mike, what was that about?”

Mike’s response was even more stern, “Jen, you are not in a position to disagree.  Not only are you talking disrespectfully, but you are disobeying me by not taking position for a spanking and by continuing to rudely question me .  Are you going to comply or not?”

In a defiant huff I said, “Fine, but I still disagree.” and did as he commanded. 

COMMENCE THE SPANKING
He spanked me very hard by hand, perhaps 35-40 times, and then told me.  “Now go to your room, unless you want to disagree some more.”  I restrained myself enough such that I didn’t verbally say more, but I had that disapproving scowl that said plenty.

Once in the room I disrobed and stood in the corner to wait for him, as is our normal punishment protocol.  When he came in, I immediately spoke, which is NOT in keeping with protocol. 

“Mike, I really want to understand…”

He cut me off, “Jen, I do not have to explain my treatment of Kayla.  I would have gladly shared my reasons with you had you respectfully inquired.  Since you did not, not only are you being punished, but I don’t want to reward your disobedience with an explanation of my actions.  Now, stay quiet with your nose in that corner.”  As angry as I was feeling, his stern commands actually nudged me a bit into a submissive state, albeit slightly so. (I really do thrive on his control).

He went to the closet and emerged with a paddle I affectionately call, “Mississippi.”  It is our widest paddle (as in the wide Mississippi River).  It is 4.5 inches wide and 18 inches long.  It’s not very thick – I suspect one day it may just break apart on my ass – but it sure covers a whole lot of surface area.  Is it common to have nicknames for your toys and implements?  I digress, that’ll be for another post.

ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO MISSISSIPPI. . . 
He walked over to me in the corner and quickly spanked me three or four times very hard with the paddle.  “Now take a few steps backwards and lean forward, hands on the wall, ass out as far as you can stick it.”

Mike had me count as he spanked me and in keeping with the nickname we have for this paddle, I counted,  TWHACK, “One Mississippi,”  TWHACK,  “Two Mississippi”. . . all the way to ten.  At three my butt was already on fire, and at each one after five I let out a little shriek.  I was crying by the time I got to ten.   These were hard spankings. 

ON TO THE LECTURE
Mike lectured me.  I’ve written before that lectures are a bit new to us, something we talked about doing more of since our new Contract.  Well, he gave a me a top-notch lecture expressing his disappointment in my behavior.  As he lectured, he would pause between thoughts and spank me two or three times with the Mississippi, then proceed with his lecture.

Although my crying persisted through the lecture, I was still not in a remorseful state.  This was a new experience for me.  I’ve written before that my likelihood or degree of crying tends to correlate to the amount of shame or embarrassment I feel (Post 178. Embracing Shame).   I wasn’t feeling either of those things.  My crying was more about my frustration over the lack of control I had in getting what I wanted.  Oh, and also about the painful spanking I was getting.  I think this was the first time I just didn’t agree with why I was being punished.  After all, it was Mike’s actions that prompted this.  I was still mad and focused on wanting Mike to explain himself.

My emotions were obvious and could be seen in my continued disapproving scowl and demeanor.  I think I need to learn to fake being remorseful.  Ha!  Just kidding.  That would be disingenuous and thus dishonest. But it might save me from a sore bottom some day.  Anyway. . . 

WRITING LINES
My butt was plenty red and on fire.  Mike told me to sit down and write lines. He had me alternate lines of “I  will use a respectful tone at all times when speaking with Mike.” Then “I will promptly do ask Mike commands.”  Then “I will never express concern or complaint about Mike in front of others.”  And finally, “Mike knows what is best for Kayla’s submissive needs and desires.”

He had me bend over and prop my arms on the chair and he set me off to my writing with four or five more hard swats with Mississippi.  After I wrote each phrase one time, he had me stand and he swatted me once more, then had me sit and write each phrase one time again.  Again he told me to stand, swatted me once, and then sit and write again.  This went on.     

In addition to still being angry, his hovering over me and the interruptions for the spanking between sets made it very difficult for me to focus.  Writing lines is typically a calming and focusing exercise.  It deepens the feeling of contrition – but not this time.  I wanted him to go away and just let me write, and I keep thinking about what he did instead of focusing on my writing.  I wrote in a very exaggerated manner.  My hand dotted each “i” with a “so there” staccato.  Each ‘t’ was crossed with a “take that” slash to it. My body language was anything but submissive.

I wrote 36 lines when Mike had enough.  He took the paper from me and said none of them counted.  (When I have to write lines, Mike reviews it and I am spanked for errors or sloppiness).    

SOAPING AND SPANKINGS
Mike said he didn’t want to be late to my sisters so we needed to “wrap this up.”  He took me into the bathroom, turned on the sink, lathered up a bar of soap, and told me to open my mouth.  “This is to help remind you to think before you speak.”  He rubbed the bar on my tongue then had me bite down on it and hold it in my mouth.

Mike said sternly, “The lingering taste in your mouth and sting on your butt can be your reminder the rest of the night to reflect on your behavior, now bend over.”

I bent over the bathroom sink, soap still in my mouth.

“Keep your head up and look at yourself in the mirror,” he commanded.  “You are getting 36 more since that is the number of lines you wrote in an unacceptable manner.  You are lucky I didn’t double it.” 

SURRENDER (Sort of)
36 with Mississippi is an eternity, especially after having received so many already.  Mike varied the intensity, alternating between fairly soft strokes, some medium ones and some extremely hard ones.  It was more than enough to make me start crying again.  And for the first time I got the shakes during a spanking. Mike even paused to ask me if I was okay, to which I said “Yes, Sir, you may continue.”  My body language was very submissive by the end of it.  I just wanted it over.

While I was physically surrendered, I still wasn’t mentally surrendered.  If this were a typical punishment I probably would have used a safe word to pause or even stop the spanking.  It reached an unbearable stage somewhere in the upper teens, but, I my inner voice told me that if I used a safe word I was letting him “win.”   I still felt entitled to an explanation.  I told myself if I could hold on, I would be preserving my “right” to an explanation.  Yes, very foolish to think that way, but in that moment, nothing would have convinced me to think otherwise. 

I have had punishments in the past with more spankings than this one, and even some with harder spankings than these.  But the combination of the number of them and the intensity of them along with the implement that was used made this one of my worst spankings ever.  I think overall I ended up receiving 70-75 with Mississippi – plus the 35-40 by hand to start with, and the handful I got during my Maintenance Session just a few hours earlier.  My ass was very much afire and sore.  It’s been four days and the bruises are still big and evident.

When he was finished, complete with pee rinse, he told me that he does not consider the punishment complete.  He said he expects me to stay up after we got home and start over with the lines and he wants 100 before I go to bed.   This meant the potential for even more spankings as I am spanked for any errors or sloppiness in my lines.

He also told me, “For the rest of the night, anything short of a cheerful disposition from you will be considered additional disobedience.  I want you to forget about this and get about your normal routine in your normal joyous way.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir”

Wow.  This was the most direct, demanding, and dismissive way he has ever spoken to me.  Odd thing is, I kinda liked it.  I mean, I still wanted to know why he did what he did.  But, I was turned on by his Dominance… oh, only a submissive would understand!

Even though his sternness brought a slight tingle to my nether-regions, I still wanted to know what was going through his mind to order Kayla to have sex with him.  I figured I would have to wait for our next Maintenance Session to bring this up — respectfully bring this up!

Even though the issue was not settled in my mind, I was able to put all my thoughts on hold and cheerfully go about the evening.

HAPPY NEW YEAR
Despite a very sore bottom and lingering soapy taste in my mouth, I had  a lot of fun at my sisters, as did everyone else.  By the time we got settled in back at home it was nearly 2 a.m. Mike told me to skip the lines for the night and he gave me until the end of the day to get them completed.  

Kayla got home a little after 2, Mike and I were still up.   We chatted briefly and she shared she also had a fun night.  She was in the shower as Mike and I were laying in bed when Mike brought up the subject of the days events.  

THE EXPLANATION
“Jen, I know you still want to discuss what happened.  The simple answer is that I am Kayla’s Dom and she is my submissive.  You are not entitled to anything more than that answer.   If she has questions of me then she has the ability to discuss it with me.  Do you accept that?

“I accept it, Sir.” I responded.

“I can hear the ‘butin your response,” said Mike as he easily read my body language  ( I really do need to learn how to put on a poker face).   I had to collect my thoughts as I did not want further spankings.   I kept telling myself I really want to have a discussion and to do that I must remain respectful.  I kept thinking to myself, “Loving intentions, loving intentions.  Assume loving intentions!”

“Mike, I accept you are Kayla’s Dom and she is your submissive.  I am sorry for demanding an explanation from you.  I should always assume your intentions are based on what Kayla needs and based on what she will accept from your dynamic with her.  If you are willing to share your thoughts with me about what prompted your actions, perhaps I can better understand you as a Dom, and Kayla as a submissive.  That can help me be a better submissive to you, and a better friend of Kayla’s.”   Phew, I was glad I was able to be calm and collected in my statement. 

It was about that time that Kayla got out of the shower.  Mike called Kayla over to us.  Mike asked her, “Kayla, you are aware that Jen took exception to me having sex with you before you left, aren’t you?

Yes, Sir, I heard her as I was leaving.”

“Tell me, what did you think about it?   If we were able to play that night over, knowing what you know now, would you have wished I simply let you go out without having sex with you?”

“Sir, to be honest,” Kayla calmly stated, “I was perfectly fine with it.  It took me a second to process your request simply because it was unexpected and my mind was focused on my evening with Michaud.  But it was no more than a second.  And I am grateful for what you did, no regrets.  It was exactly the kind of thing we talked about.”  

Mike smiled and said he was relieved to hear that.  He said he knew it was an “aggressive” move on his part and that there was risk.  “I know I took a risk with you emotionally, and I am happy to hear you say that I read your needs correctly.  Although it gives me a great sense of accomplishment to serve your submissive needs, please always tell me if I fail you, even in a small way.”  Mike then looked at me and said, “I don’t want to just be a Dom to either of you,  I want to be the right Dom to each of you.”

Holy shit, I feel terrible!  I can probably go an entire post for how shitty I feel about my behavior.  Mike’s behavior was in such sharp contrast to my own.  He excelled at his Dominance.  He excelled in how he maintained a calm and Dominant composure throughout me throwing my fit.  He excelled in treating Kayla in a way that she apparently appreciated and was needing from him as his submissive. Contrast that with my behavior which was a complete submissive fail.

I apologized profusely.  Mike has always been reliable when it comes to having good intentions, even before DD.  I should know to not doubt him the way that I did.  Any questions from me must always be done inquisitively, from a point of curiosity and seeking knowledge.  This is a basic foundation of any relationship built on good communication, with or without DD – and I failed.

I really should have learned by now not to doubt Mike.   Perhaps more reflections on this in another post.  Yeah, it may take a couple of posts to fully unpack emotionally.   

PS. WHAT WAS KAYLA REFERRING TO?
Of course, I had to know what Kayla meant when she told Mike, “It was exactly the type of thing we talked about.”  I respectfully asked Mike and Kayla to share what that meant.  What I learned was very interesting and unexpected.  That will also be for another post!

Yea me!  Lot’s to write about!

NEXT:  Post 202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

196. This, That, and Some Other Stuff

Things are getting somewhat back into a normal routine.  It won’t last because as Christmas approaches, our middle son, T2, will be home for the holidays.  That will put a kink in our kink!

THIS  —   A COMING OUT (sort of)
Mike and I did share a bit of our lifestyle with our kids and, when appropriate, with anyone else we mingled with over the Thanksgiving.  It was high level information.  Basically that I decided to defer more to their dad, allow him to be more of the decider of things, and stuff like that.  Nothing negative about it.  Growing up they were accustomed to me being more of the domineering one, so it isn’t like there is any kink attached to who the primarily leader or follower is in a marriage.  It just so happens there is a lot of kink attached to ours, but, we left that part out – Ha!

The change was surprising to them, but they were fine with it.  They didn’t even ask too many questions of me.  Basically I just said this is how I choose to be, and they were like, “Okay, Mom.”  

We also told them that Kayla has decided to follow my lead and also look to Mike for guidance and she too is extending the same “respect” to Mike that I do – such as addressing him as “Sir.”  My middle one who is always quick to share what’s on his mind said, “Is it just her respect that she is extending to Dad?”   To which I calmly replied, “I am not sure what you mean, but whatever she extends or doesn’t extend is between your dad, me, and Kayla.”  I think they all understood that there was more going on, but for once my inquisitive son got the hint and decided not to inquire further.   I think part of it is that they just don’t want to know.  Regardless how old you get, you never think of your parents as having any sex life, especially an adventurous one.  

THAT  —  KAYLA AND MICHAUD UPDATE
I mentioned in my last post that the two of them have had sex.  So far their relationship seems to be going well.  I am not sure what to make of Michaud’s acceptance of her relationship with us.  I mean, it’s great he accepts it.  I would much rather he accept it than not.  But a part of me wonders what type of person would accept it?   It has to be tough to know you have a girlfriend who won’t open up and share certain parts of herself  with you.  And not only exclude you from certain parts of herself, but at the same time is including someone else in those parts.   In many ways he is sharing Kayla with us, especially with Mike.  That has to be hard. 

I wonder if it is hard on Kayla too?  She says she is happy with how things have progressed thus far.  She sees her relationship with us as very distinct and separate from Michaud.  She does not defer to Michaud any more or less than he defers to her.  It is a very “normal” relationship, as she puts it, where neither one of them is dominant.  That’s how she wants it.   She says there is the “submissive” Kayla and the “non-submissive” Kayla and she loves both of them.

I did ask her what she would do if she had to make a choice.  She said she doesn’t want to have to do that, but right now, her needs for submission trump her other needs.  But she admits that could change over time.  She just hopes that any changes can go smoothly without anyone being hurt.   We continue to be very supportive of her and made it clear she is not obligated to stay with us.  Of course we want her to stay, but we understand there could come a day where she feels it is best to move on, whether in whole or in part.

Michaud passed a big test in Kayla’s eyes (and mine too) when she was naked in front of him and she had a bruised bottom.  It wasn’t a huge bruise, but a bruise none-the-less.  Kayla said she didn’t try to hide it and told him to go ahead and take a close look at it.  She shared with him how she felt about it (which were all positive feelings) and used the opportunity to again share with him what being submissive means to her.  She said it was a good conversation and Michaud asked a lot of questions, never getting upset or animated by her answers.  She even told him there may be times she has bruises elsewhere, such as on her breasts or thighs.  She doesn’t get bruises often, but she wanted him to be prepared and deal with his concerns now versus later. 

After they talked she ended it with asking him how he was feeling about being with her.  He told her he loved her and while she is a bit “out there” when it comes to what she needs in life, he is happy that he can fulfill and experience whatever part she is looking to share.  He did say that it all does make him feel a bit awkward and insecure at times, but he is trying.  And with that Kayla told him how much she loves him and hates that a part of her makes him feel that way.  She told him she loves him for allowing her to get fulfillment in whatever way she desires it, even if that means it was with someone else.

He did ask the inevitable question of, “Will it always be like this?”  To which she said, “I don’t know.  I don’t know what ‘always’ even looks like.  I just know what I need from life right now.  And I need my submissive life with Mike and Jen, and I need you and I am so happy you allow me to have both.  If we reach a point you aren’t happy with me having both, or I am not happy with both, then we owe it to each other to talk about it, but until then, let’s keep enjoying this.”   And from all appearances, they are. 

SOME OTHER STUFF – THE NEW KAYLA AS A GIRLFRIEND
Kayla shared with Mike and I that her relationship with Michaud is unlike any she has ever had.  Not because of Michaud, although that is a big part of it, but because of her.  She really is a different person than she was in any previous relationship.   She said she is more open and honest with what is on her mind, what she is feeling, what she is needing.  She has never articulated it so clearly and so frequently than she has with Michaud.  She says it feels liberating.   No hidden agenda, no unsaid concerns or unresolved emotions.   She’s just 100% “out there” with him and it feels amazing that he accepts it.

She only hopes Michaud is doing the same on being open and honest.  It sounds like he is not shy to share whatever doubts or needs for information that he has.  How he is reconciling her answers may not be clear, but I think it is a good sign that he isn’t shying away from asking questions 

SOME OTHER STUFF – OH SUBMISSION!
With the passing of Mike’s mom and Thanksgiving, I went two weeks without a spanking.  This time it wasn’t the spanking I missed as much as my overall routine.  But I also missed the sensations.

One night when Mike and I were having sex I asked him to squeeze my nipples really hard, harder, harder.  I then asked for nipple clamps.  Mike obliged both with the nipple suckers first, then the clamps.   It felt so good to “feel the burn.”   

Mike will sometimes slap my breasts when we have sex, but that too needed to be harder this time.  I asked him to slap them harder, and harder still.  It was much like the intensity of a punishment. 

This was different for us in a way, but not really.  Our sex play can get pretty physical.  This was just more than our usual physicality.  I’ve shared before that I don’t mix discipline with sex.  This wasn’t discipline.  It was more about mixing a little pain with the sex, not about mixing sex with the pain.  There is a difference.  I can’t explain it.  Maybe it is self-explanatory?  Anyway, it felt good.  I needed that sensation.  I needed that dominance from Mike.  I needed that submission.   

NEXT:  197. Do ya wanna have sex?

183. Spanking with F.O.C.U.S.

183
Did you know a good spanking can be better than coffee?   I’ll get back that.

Maybe Kayla will catch the blog bug!   I hope you enjoyed the post from Kayla.  I thanked her so much for doing that.  I know it isn’t “her thing” to want to write, but she did say she enjoyed it.  Okay, now, back to that. . . 

Well, I received my first disciplining under our new Contract. I surprised myself in that it took six days before I “misbehaved.”   Ha.  It still strikes me as funny to use that word.  Sorry if that is a normal word in your dynamic.  It will take me some time to get used to using words like “misbehave” or “disobeyed.” Heck, I remember when I didn’t want to call them spankings but wanted to call them “rewards.”  I’ll get there!   

I’ve really been doing well keeping my household schedule and keeping Mike informed.  And not just my new duties and obligations, I’ve been doing well with all my duties and obligations.  Sort of a continuation of the DD Sympatico I shared before.   But, eventually there is bound to be a slip up, and sure enough, it happened.

FUMBLING MANTRA
It was actually with the Mantra!  After many morning and evenings of getting it perfectly right, I had a bit of a mind-fart and flubbed the Morning Mantra.  I got to the last line which is supposed to be, “…through focusing on Mike’s desires…” and I said, “by being…um, by focusing…um, through being….Ug!”

These are the first words I speak each morning, so I was still in bed, barely awake, reciting this to Mike.   He got out of bed and asked me to stand up and then bend over with my elbows on the bed.  I waited as he went to find a paddle that suited him.  I was shaking my head, disappointed with myself.  Of all the things I have to do, this is the one that earns me my first spanking under our new contract? 

In less than a week my mantra’s have become very special and important to me.  I really love reciting them to Mike.  They were made even more important when Mike shared with me that he loves hearing me say them.  They are a perfect way to start and end our day.  I was heartbroken that I screwed it up.  Also, while I waited on Mike, I was wondering what he was going to, both verbally and physically.   This would be our first punishment with the new scolding guidelines and with Mike’s promise to ramp up the intensity of the discipline.

THE DISCIPLINE
Mike walked over holding one of the thicker wooden paddles that we have.  This particular one is fairly wide as well, so it covers a lot of surface area.  “Don’t stare at me, keep your eye’s down,” barked Mike.

He gave me about a dozen or so warm-ups by hand, then spanked me three times very hard in quick succession with the paddle.  

“Why are you being disciplined?” he asked as he spanked me one more time.

“Because I messed up the Mantra, Sir.”  

“Correct, and what part did you mess up,” and he struck me again.

I meekly replied, “Instead of saying ‘through focusing’ I said some other stuff.”  

“That’s right, you did,” and he spanked me one more time. 

“You know how important the Mantra is to me and to you and for us to start our days right.  Spanking you is not how I want to start the day.”   And he spanked me again, twice this time. 

“You need to stay focused when reciting the mantra, just as the line you messed up reminds you to stay focused on my desires.”  And he spanked me twice again.

“You weren’t focused on your mantra, so you weren’t focused on my desires, and that is why you are being spanked.”  He then spanked me three or four times.

I was crying by this time.  A lot!  I shared before, I fully expected I would be emotional for my first discipline under the new contract.  And it was compounded by the fact that the discipline was due to messing up the mantra. 

“What is the correct line?” and he spanked me again.

“through focusing on Mike’s desires, my only need and purpose.” 

“Correct,” and he spanked me again.

“Say the word ‘focus’ after each paddling,” he commanded.

Whack.  “Focus.”   Whack.  “Focus.”  Whack.  “Focus.”  Whack.  “Focus.”  Whack.  “Focus.”

“Now spell it out for me, one letter per spanking with a Sir on the end,” he added.

 Whack.  “F, Sir”.”   Whack.  “O, Sir”  Whack.  “C, Sir.”  Whack.  “U, Sir”  Whack.  “S, Sir.”

I was in a major full on cry and my body was shaking.  This was about 25 or so with the paddle, all very hard, and there was that intense mix of pain and shame that I just recently wrote about.

“I am going to give you a few more and then I want you to stay in that position until I tell you to get up.”   He then spanked me five or six times in quick succession.  It made me drop from my elbows and on to my side.  

“Back in position quickly or you will earn more.”  

I mustered the energy to quickly comply and I knew I would have to call Yellow if he were to continue.  He then went to the bathroom and I stayed bent over, on my elbows, bawling.  He emerged a few minutes later.  

He walked over to me and told me to stand up.  He then held me and we had our “Closing Ceremony” but with a caveat.   We were in a bit of a time crunch as he needed to get to work and I needed to clean myself up and get J up and ready for school.  He told me there was one more part of the discipline that I would have to do without him.  He asked Kayla to oversee it. 

Once I was back home from taking J to school I needed a “good mouth soaping” as he put it.  This was to remind me to be careful of the words coming from my mouth.  He said 15 minutes would do it.  He gave Kayla instructions to video the soaping so he could watch later as well as what exactly he expected regarding the soaping.  “A good lather….don’t forget to rub it on her tongue….I want to see teeth marks on the bar of soap.” 

Kayla complied, as did I.  Receiving the soaping discipline without Mike home was like a punishment by itself.  Even when it was over it didn’t feel over because there was no Closing Ceremony.  I so longed for Mike to be home so he could just hold me and tell me “All is forgiven.”  I felt very distracted all day, but was still able to get all my chores done.  On the upside, I was able to skip my morning coffee from the adrenaline and endorphin rush of the spanking and crying! 

Greeting Mike when he gets home is part of my duties and when he got home this time I jumped in his arms and hugged him so tight I almost knocked him over.  He joked, “Hey, personal foul. Roughing the Master of the House!”  I quipped in a sweet and seductive tone, “Well then, maybe you’ll just have to spank me again to calm me down.”  

He knew I was kidding.  Playful sarcasm is still part of our dynamic.  Truth is, my butt was still sore and bruised from that morning, so I am glad he took it in jest.  

NEXT: Post 184. This, That, and Sex, Sex, and more Sex