211. Eek! Dom Fail!

I often follow a “punishment” related post with one of reflection.  Writing helps clear my mind of various thoughts following an intense punishment.  This time I don’t feel the need for it.  I accept it, I earned it, I am influenced by it, I am uplifted by it, and I am fulfilled by it.  It is aligned with my desires to be compliant with the commitments I have made to myself and Mike — he can do no wrong in my mind when it comes to his disciplining me.

Or can he? 

THE LUNCH BUNCH
I have a “lunch bunch” group of girlfriends that get together now and then, yes, typically for lunch.  (I posted about them before and about inappropriately revealing certain TTWD’s to them that earned me a punishment).  We are more connected via social media than in person, but we try to get together every now and then.  I missed the last couple of gatherings – schedule conflict or maybe I was sick one of the times.  Whatever, I am overdue for attending one of these. 

MIKE SAYS NO, and a bit more
Early last week I got a text about getting together for lunch later this week.  My calendar is clear and I know I can get my chores done and still attend.  As per my rules, I ask Mike for permission.

“No, you may not go.”

He gives no explanation and adds, “I want you to text back these words exactly, “Mike said I can’t attend this time.  Maybe the next one.”

Despite my surprise in hearing ‘no,’ my submissive reflexes are quick and I respond with a clear, “Yes, Sir.” I waste no time and get my phone.  Send!  Shortly thereafter I get a text back saying, “Hope to see you next time,” along with the “eek” emoji.  That’s the emoji face with the grimace showing it’s teeth.  

“Sir, did I fail to put something on my calendar, I show I was free at that time?”

“No, there isn’t anything I am aware of that you need to do.”

I accept his answer.  I enjoy these lunches but I enjoy submitting to Mike even more.  If he has something in mind such that he doesn’t want me to attend, so be it.  I addressed my concern regarding my calendar because failing to keep it accurate could result in a spanking.  I was curious as to why the text, but I tuck that wonderment away for a question to be asked at our next Maintenance Session.   

REFLECTION
As I journaled that night, I am hit by the magnitude of how I handled myself.  Not only do I not desire an explanation from Mike, but I don’t even try to ponder what his reasons might be.  This is huge for me!  Like, gargantuan for me!  A major event!  And it really vibrates my submissive tickle-spot to have him display this control over me.  I am not embarrassed by what I texted – I am excited!  Excited for the opportunity to explain it to her, excited to have shown Mike my love, trust, and confidence in him to obey without questioning why he said no.  I do not care why.  I am fulfilled in following his wishes.

ASKING THE QUESTION 
At our Sunday Maintenance I ask, “Sir, I have a question about the text you had me send regarding the lunch with my friends. May I ask it”

We have this routine where I basically ask permission to ask a question about a particular topic.  It’s not a specific rule, but it is in keeping with being respectful while still sharing any concerns I have.  I don’t believe he has ever told me he would not explain something when I have ask in this manner.  

“Ask away.”

“Sir, is there a particular way you recommend I handle questions she and others are certainly going to ask me.  I know she is going to tell everyone what I texted her.”

I am asked if I am bothered by this.  “No, Sir, I am excited by it.  I want to make sure I understand what I am permitted to say to her and the others.”  As per our rules, I am not to share aspects of TTWD without Mike’s permission.

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF SUBMISSION
Since October we have been much more public in displaying our D/s.   We have talked a little bit about it with our children and other extended family members — simply that I chose to let Mike “take over the reigns” so to speak, and defer more to him.  I was “tired of being in command.”  They totally accepted it as they know I was the “do everything” mom for a long time.

I think the nonchalant manner in which we explained (very little) things  helped contribute to a response that was basically, “Meh.”   That, and, well, I think most people just don’t want to know the details.  The one area that had a little more of reaction was my calling him “Sir.”  I told my kids I’ve committed to treating dad more nicely and respectfully, thus the “Sir.”   They did see that as a bit odd, but also accepted it.   Oh, back to my Maintenance Session.

BACK TO THE MAINTENANCE SESSION, ALREADY IN PROGRESS
Mike tells me he trusts in whatever I decide to share, with one condition.  He wants my responses to not reveal any more than is necessary to answer the specific question.  Thus, a simple, “Yes” or “No,” to most questions.  If they pry, then explain as necessary to answer their specific question.  I am told there is no need to lie about anything – be truthful, but show discretion. 

I thank Mike for the information and we talk a bit more about what it means to be more open with our submission.  We are “calibrated” on this subject.   

Mike asks, “Don’t you have another question?”  “No, Sir.”

His eyes open wide in amazement, “Nothing?”  Again I reply, “No, Sir,” and I add,  “I only wanted to make sure my response to them is acceptable to you.  That’s it.”

“Wow,” he says with an impressed look.  “Okay then.  I was waiting for you to ask me why I wouldn’t let you go.  Don’t you want to know?”

“Sir, I am not curious in the way curious implies an eagerness or a doubt.  I wrote it all down in my journal.”  I show him.  I wrote, “I am not curious from the standpoint curious implies eager.  I am not eager to know.  I have no wonder or doubts.  There is no anxiety or yearning.  But, I am curious from the standpoint it was unexpected, a surprising answer.  He hasn’t said ‘no’ before.  But other than the unexpected nature of it, I have no curiosity.  It is what he wants, that is more than sufficient.”   

Mike questions me, clearly needing convincing of my sincerity.  Normally I would be troubled by this, but I understood why – I’ve questioned and doubted his reasoning before, so why not now?   He was finding my response equally “curious.”   Instead of simply telling me why or moving on to another subject, Mike asks me what I think his reasons might be. 

“Sir, I haven’t thought about it, but doing so now, perhaps it was part of the “reset,” perhaps there is still something you want of me that you will reveal in time, or perhaps you are just comforted by my submitting to you.  Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter to me unless you want me to know.” 

 I was not saying this for the sake of appearing submissive.  It is truly my mindset.  I don’t seek any reason other than I desire to serve him.  It feels really good to feel this way.  Amazingly good.  Again, my submissive tickle spot is vibrating like crazy!   Submissive bliss inside my giant submissive bliss-filled bubble.  

“Well,” Mike says sheepishly, “I wish I could say any one of those was my reason.  But to be honest, I am sorry to say it wasn’t for anything as nice as that.”

“Pop!”  I could feel my bubble burst. 

DOM FAIL
I am bewildered as he remains silent.  “Sir?  Mike?  Are you going to explain?”

“Well, you see. . . in the moment you asked, there was just something that told me to say “no.”  So I said it.  My next thought was that I was reminded of your disobedience when you had your last lunch and told them those things about us.  Something just clicked in my head to think you shouldn’t be allowed to see them this one time as punishment.”

I recognized my submissive reflexes turned themselves off. I take in a deep breath and remind myself to “Think loving intentions.  Be respectful.  Stay calm.”  

“Sir, I am sorry too, but that really bothers me.  Any discipline I receive is to be over once you say it is over.  And we had a closing ceremony and all was forgiven.  That’s why we say those words.  ‘All is forgiven’ is to mark the end so that it can also mark a new beginning, no lingering resentments.”   There, I was calm.   But then, snidely I add, “That was like a YEAR ago!” (Hey, I was almost perfect in my response.  Remember, progress, not perfection!).

“Jen, let’s not make this about your submission.  Please don’t raise your voice.  Yes, I screwed up.  I am sorry.  I didn’t think it through and just reacted.  When I first said ‘no’ I really didn’t even know why.  It was only in the seconds afterwards that I connected it to that reason.  To be honest, I didn’t think of it as additional punishment, even though you are right, it is.  Had I thought about it that way I would have changed my mind.  It really was out-of-bounds.  I am sorry.”

With that, I felt my submissive bubble starting to fill back up.  I thought of the several “submissive fails” that I have had over the last three years.  This was the first time Mike made a decision that was contrary to any “rule” we have.   And the way he owned up to it – oh my God, it was so sincere.  Not in just the words, but I could tell he was disappointed in himself.  This was not about some plot to get me.  (Something pre-DD Jenny would think). It was an honest mistake. 

I was quiet for about ten seconds and Mike asks, “What are you thinking?”

Very slowly and deliberately I say, “I am thinking. . . ”  insert dramatic pause, “all is forgiven.”  And I hug him!

N.B. What about Lunch?
What is N.B.?  It’s like a P.S., and stands for Nota Bene.  It sounds so much fancier and pretentious than P.S., and of course, you know DDJennifer is all about being hoity-toity.  Yeah, right!  lol.  I digress.

So do I get to go to lunch?  Well, Mike does end up asking me if I want to go.  In 100% submission mindset I say, “Sir, if it helps you with closure on my disobedience from last year, I do not want to go.  Otherwise, yes, I would like to attend.”

With that, I am prepared to face a lot of questions at lunch later this week! (Weather permitting, we are in a bit of a deep freeze in South Texas). 

Next:  212.  Another Weigh I am Submissive

154. Riding the Wave

I haven’t been posting much, partly due to the summer always being a busy time.  School starts soon and I expect I’ll be back to posting more regularly.  In addition to summer being busy, things just haven’t been all that noteworthy on the DD front.

RIDING THE POSITIVITY WAVE
I’ve been on a very positive-vibe “wave” ever since we started our Mini-Maintenance Thursdays about two months ago.  Those sessions helped me achieve the greater submissive mindset I wanted.  As shared in that post, I had this yearning to not just act submissively, but to think more submissively and rid myself of non-submissive impulses.

It was not going well until Mike came up with those mini-maintenance sessions that serve as a sort of confessional for me.  Those sessions relieved the pressure and sense of failure I was having whenever I had a non-submissive thought.  These weekly sessions provide accountability in a format that is more a celebration of my progress than it is a condemnation of the failures.  Well, to the extent a pretty hard spanking is a celebration — but it is!   It has been just the thing to help me.

TRIUMPHANT
I am feeling very triumphant right now.  I love being submissive.  Being a sub removes all the complexities of life and gives me one singular focus.  A focus on losing myself, to regain and reclaim myself so I can live and love life to the fullest.  In looking back at what prompted me to take this journey I can say, “Mission Accomplished.”  Or more appropriately,  SUBmission Accomplished! 

I am not so naive that I believe this wave is constant.  It will ebb and flow and I am sure there will be some surprises and down moments, because, well, that’s life!  Whether you live a DD lifestyle or not, life still happens.  There will be ups and down, but mostly ups! And I am certainly enjoying this particular crest and hope to ride it as long as possible.

So, since not much going on with me, I’ll give an update on Kayla, with her permission of course.  I’ll think I’ll keep this post short, and give you that update on the next one.  

NEXT:  155.  KAYLA UPDATE: ACTS OF SERVICE, RITUALS, AND MORE 

 

112. Pillow Talk

Mike’s dad passed away, which is why I haven’t posted.  Not that such a thing is ever easy, but it was unexpected, making it extra hard on everyone.  Suffice to say it meant a lot of time with family and friends and not a lot of time to worry about our typical routines, submissive or otherwise.  There was still a spanking or two, (and three or four for Kayla), and Kayla’s nightly Maintenance Sessions were modified a bit – more talking, less spanking – given my middle son was with us for a couple of days plus our entire routine was off schedule.

The events of the last week led to two interesting conversations where some feelings were expressed.  One was something Kayla shared, the other was something I shared.  Oh – and I will throw in a spanking “reference.”  Not a full spanking story, as this post is long enough, but at least I’ll will leave you with something your imagination can fill in to your hearts (or other anatomy’s) content.

Oh – this isn’t going to be about what traditionally is considered “pillow talk.”  Pretty dry stuff to call it that – but, it was a relaxed and intimate conversation and was accompanied by various acts of cuddling and caressing,  so yeah, I think it qualifies (barely) as pillow talk.  It makes for for a better title than “Blah blah blah, come on Jen, just talk about spankings.”

Talk #1
Kayla was feeling bad about her “place” in our household.  With the death of Mike’s dad and the many comings and goings of families and friends, the funeral, and all that – who was she to the family?   It was common in just about every social interaction for people to ask her, “So how do you know James?” (Mike’s dad).   Somehow it didn’t seem appropriate to say, “Oh, I am living with his son, Mike, and daughter-in-law, and I am their submissive.”

To strangers she would introduce herself simply as a friend of Mike’s family.  If the conversation led to it being appropriate, she would mention she was living to us.  If we were directly introducing her we would say, “This is Kayla, she is longtime family friend who is living with us.”   People never questioned this.   Kayla sat with us and our kids, so her physical presence was pretty much as “one of the kids.”  However, there were times when the family would be mentioned or something would happen and of course Kayla was not included.

Kayla said she completely understand all of this and had no expectations of it being otherwise.  However, it served to remind her that she is not as connected to us as “family.”  She was apologetic for feeling the way she did and said it wasn’t about unmet expectations.  It was about the feeling it gave her to see how she is not as close to us as she could be.  Her sadness is in recognizing that this connection is missing.

She was very calm in talking about it.  She said she wasn’t about to have a “pity party” about it, but also knew she needed to state what was on her mind.  Overall, she just said the experience made her feel a bit distant from us, and she hated that feeling, especially because she feels so close to us otherwise.  And, she said she does not feel any regret or lingering negativity about the “missing connection.”  To the contrary, she said it made her value that closeness and more deeply appreciate the connection she does have with us.   The conversation was very sweet and loving, and hopefully reaffirming for her, as we made it clear how much we love her.

We all recognized that the “old” Kayla would have said nothing, and she would have concluded that there was something wrong with her that caused the missing connection.  She would have cried about it by herself, projected negative thoughts upon herself, and covered up her sadness in unhealthy ways.   This truly was a milestone for her – just shy of one month living with us.  The conversation demonstrated that Kayla has made progress in sharing her feelings, as it was something that I know was difficult for her to both articulate and “find” her feelings in her own mind, let alone turn around and share it with us.  It was also noteworthy that she shared her feelings so promptly, before anything could fester.

Talk #2
Just prior to the passing of my father-in-law, I had begun to question something in my mind.  I was wondering if Mike was treating me differently because of Kayla.   He had recently told me that he was “ramping up” my punishments as it seems like my tolerance had risen and they didn’t have the same impact any longer.   While true, my response was “What impact is that, Sir?”   He said that part of the punishments were to serve as not just a deterrent, but also as a consequence, and the consequence should be commensurate with the crime.  Of course, his use of the word “crime” was in jest.  In our DD vernacular, it is a “transgression,” but whatever the term, it was clear what he meant.

He was correct.  I have been sort of going through the motions of a spanking or other punishment without much thought to any actual discomfort or inconvenience that it is supposed to serve.  In so doing, I have noticed my submissive mindset has lessened, but I figured my diminished submissive feelings stemmed from our collective focus on Kayla.  I didn’t mind this “mini-vacation” from those submissive thoughts, as I know they are temporary and, I truly want to help Kayla as much as possible, especially early on in our relationship as she “finds her way.”   Whatever the cause, Mike was spot on, not that I wanted the solution to be more or tougher punishments.

Then this thought occurred to me – Is he doing this because of Kayla?  Kayla wanted (and is receiving) many more punishments.  Is he projecting what she wants onto me?   Also, Kayla does need a lot of attention from him.  I don’t say that in a bad way.  It is simply the fact right now, as she needs more attention from me as well.  I give it freely, and encourage Mike to give his freely as well so that he knows I support his efforts with her.  But, the thought crossed my mind – “Maybe he is frustrated with all that she is requiring of him, and he is taking it out on me?”

Before I knew it I was at least flirting with the idea that Kayla was perhaps at the root of something sinister.  Not a pleasant path to go down. Before I let myself go down it any further, I did make a conclusion that stopped the nefarious journey.  Two simple words – “So what?”

What would it mean if this were true?   Would it mean that Kayla is some evil bitch bent on my destruction?  Would it change Mike’s love for me? Would it change my love for Kayla?  Would it change my love for submission and DD?   No, no, no, no, and no!

Answering those questions didn’t resolve it in my mind, but it stopped me from going down the rabbit hole of negative emotions.  Now I was looking at it from the perspective of what if it were true?  Okay, so I know Kayla needs our love and extra attention as she finds the right dynamic that works for her.  Of course she will need more love and attention, so I am not upset about that.  And if Mike needs to “take it out on me,” then (within reason) it is simply another way I can submit to him and help him.

Although I was now coming at this from a positive perspective, I still wondered if it were true and that wondering gnawed on me.  It is clear to me that if I didn’t share this thought with Mike and Kayla, this issue would surely resurface again.  The longer I went without saying anything, the greater the chances my mind would wonder into assuming darker and darker motives on Mike’s part or Kayla’s part until finally, I’d burst in anger.  Motivated by Kayla’s willingness to share, I raised the issue and we talked about it.  Without going into all the details of the conversation, it was fairly short and definitely sweet.  Feelings were supported (which doesn’t necessarily mean “agreed up), and love and respect was shared between all of us.

I value the feelings of fulfillment and peace that I have achieved in my life, especially with what DD has done to help support that.  I value those feelings so much that I would not allow anything to chip away at them.  If I truly felt Kayla or anyone or anything could diminish those feelings, I would not only speak up, but I would take action to correct it.   Thus far, all my love and feelings about Kayla have served to intensify my satisfaction with life and my love for Mike.   Our ability to quickly share good thoughts and bad, can only serve to further deepen that love.

Oh – a spanking!
After I shared this, Mike sly asked, “So how long was that weighing on your mind?”  Without a thought I said, “Oh, maybe a week or so.”   He then told me to fetch a paddle!
You see, sharing our thoughts and feelings is not just something unique to Kayla.  It has been a part of my DD since the beginning, and the “reminder” of this is still visible on my sore behind two days later!

NEXT: 113. Contemplation

108. Our “normal” Evenings

I shared a bit of our daily routine on my prior post, and thought I’d share more about our evenings and nights – and there just might be a little spanking for you. I mean, a spanking story for you.  Actually, as this post ran long, I’ll share the spanking on the next post.

My caveat to this “normal” evening is that this is based on just a dozen evenings of Kayla living with us. Perhaps too early to call “routine,” but whatever the name, we’ve established a bit of a pattern with our evenings.  The times I give are approximate as there is a lot of variations to this depending on different factors, but this should paint a pretty good picture of our typical evenings.

5:15-6:30pm
We typically eat dinner a little early, between 5:15 and 5:30 and are done, including the cleaning, by 6:00-6:15.

6:00/6:30pm until 8:00/8:45pm
These hours can take many different paths. We may watch some shows together, one or more of us may play a game with J or help with his homework. Sometimes J will play video games or otherwise entertain himself for the evening. Mike may have some specific tasks for me or Kayla which we will attend to but we tend to have some down time during these hours. Kayla may relax in her room by herself, reading, journaling, or being on her laptop. I might work on this blog a bit and also journal.

At some point Kayla will clean and organize her room in preparation for her morning inspections. Kayla also goes to the garage to tidy up our cars – both mine and Mike’s. She will pick up any trash, clean the windows, and wipe down the car’s exterior. She leaves little “love” notes in both cars. They are short notes thanking us and wishing us well for the day, signed “Love, Kayla.” She puts them on the inside of the driver’s door in a sealed envelope marked with “K” to help prevent their being read by an unintended audience.  These notes are cute and always put a smile on my face. I open my envelope right after I drop J off at school in the morning.

8:00-9:00pm
J goes to sleep from 8:30-9:00 – I mentioned before he tends to go to sleep early and typically sleeps 10 hours – so he is up by 6:30-7:00am. That’s a lot of sleep but it suits him well and we definitely all know it when he isn’t well rested. I mentioned before he has a disability and as part of that, a lot of anxiety/OCD issues. Part of his need for sleep is that every day is physically demanding and thus he is very tired by the end of the day. The positive with the OCD is that we can use his need for consistency and uniformity as a way to manage his day and one of those consistencies is his bedtime routine. He needs a little assistance to prepare for the night so anywhere from 8:00-8:40 is time for either Mike or I to help him. We don’t quite split this 50/50 – I do it a bit more than Mike, but Mike makes an effort to handle J’s nighttime routine quite a bit as is his preference.

9:00-9:45/10:00pm
We typically give J about 15 minutes of sleeping before we start Kayla’s nightly Maintenance Session. Her sessions have lasted from thirty to forty-five minutes. I participate in the first part to share my observations and get any feedback from her, but then I leave. I go shower and get ready for bed. I may be out of the shower and preparing for bed as Mike and Kayla are continuing their session, so I am still hear them a bit as our master bath is just off the master bedroom.

9:45/10-10:30pm
When her session ends, Kayla takes a shower or bath and prepares for bed. Assuming I am done she will use the master bathroom, otherwise, she uses the hall bathroom. Our bedtime rule is to be in bed by 10:30, so there is about thirty to forty-five minutes from when her session ends until bedtime. This can give us a little more time for some journaling or for me to work on my blog.

The first week Kayla was here she slept with Mike and me the first several days. Mike then came up with a schedule that I shared before where she sleeps with us Mon-Wed. Mike sleeps with her in her bed on Thursdays, and then Fri-Sun Kayla sleeps alone in her room, giving Mike and I our three nights together.

Mike typically stays up a bit so both Kayla and I will go see him just before 10:30 to say goodnight. On the first night that Kayla slept in her room, I went into her room with her and talked for a few minutes before it was 10:30. This has become routine and we jokingly refer to it as me “tucking her in.” More on that on my next post!.

10:30pm – ???
Some nights Mike will come to bed at the same time, but often he stays up a bit later. If there is any sex that night, it is based on the sleeping arrangements.  So if Kayla is sleeping in her room, she is not involved in any sex between Mike and I, conversely, on the Thursdays that Mike sleeps with Kayla, I am not involved in their sexual activities.  We didn’t like the idea of all three of us having sex and the one of us having to leave to sleep alone.

When Mike comes to bed after I have fallen asleep, sometimes I awaken (or he intentionally wakes me) and we may or may not have sex. Same for if Kayla is in bed with us. There have been a few nights of no sex, just like “normal” people! Also, some nights that Kayla was with us we would all get to talking after sex. I have even got up to work on a post (yes, if you see a late night post from me, it is typically after some fun sexy time!) while the three of us talk or Kayla and Mike continue to talk.  I’ve even been working on the blog when Mike and Kayla will start the sex up again.  I enjoy looking over and watching – a wonderful distraction when trying to blog!

Next: 109. The Tuck, the Spank, and the Slumber

106. Wandering of Thoughts

When I wrote this I realized I had a potpourri of a wandering of thoughts with some scintillating sizzle of spankings and sex.  As it was long winded, I broke it into two posts, because if you are like me, you prefer to read shorter posts (which means you don’t prefer many of my posts!).  Hey, I am trying to keep the reader in mind.  

WANDERING OF THOUGHTS
I figured out that being accountable for Kayla’s submission doesn’t equate to me being a Dom.  My duties in that matter are a combination of my submission to Mike and my love for Kayla.   My actions, even when ordering, reprimanding, or spanking Kayla, are at the behest of Mike.  In addition, I want to see Kayla flourish as she looks for the level of submission that works for her.  The three of us have a mutual understanding regarding my role and we are not naïve to the fact that we can’t fully understand it until we live it for more than just one week.  Over time, Kayla may need more or less of me, or I may need more or less accountability of her, or Mike’s needs can even change – which leads me to opine about one of the roles of a Dom, at least from my perspective.

It was commented on one of my posts that there is a perception the life of a dom is being fed grapes and receiving endless blowjobs.  We haven’t done the grapes thing, but, yes, I am sure Mike considers the bj’s as fringe benefits.  However, as the saying goes, “With great power comes great responsibility.”    That definitely applies to a Dom, so such benefits come with great responsibility.  In other words, “With great BJ’s comes great responsibility!”  Yes, I consider myself great at it and from what I’ve seen, Kayla is great too. In fact, I think I finally realized that from a guys perspective, there is no such thing as a bad bj. . . I digress.

Swift Adjudication of the Situation
In my role with Kayla, I was surprised how my mind races in the moment that I need to do something Dom-like.  Kayla transgresses and my mind starts firing off ideas like, “Say this… no, wait, say that… no that’s not it, do this…no wait, not that either, try that.”   I know this results in a weak delivery of whatever I end up saying or doing.  One thing I enjoy in my submissiveness is Mike’s quick and firm adjudication of a situation (that has a nice alliterative ring to it!).   I can imagine how disappointing it is to Kayla when I fumble for the right action to take. 

JUST DO IT
I’ve talked about this with both Mike and Kayla.  In some ways it is a turnabout of Kayla’s issue of not being able to articulate her feelings, except for me, it is not being able to articulate dominance.  The solution is the same as what we have encouraged Kayla to do.  Like the Nike slogan, “Just do it.”   Set loose the first idea that comes to mind and go with it in confidence.    Don’t worry about the perfect solution, as the best solution is the one that comes quickly and boldly, regardless what it is.  If I do go too far or not far enough, we can calibrate at a Maintenance Session.

“Tramatize me!?!” Uh, no. 
This experience has made me realize what Mike had to go through when we first started Domestic Discipline and even what he is going through now with Kayla.   He has to make an educated guess on how to react. Like with me, with Kayla he would rather err on the side of too little, and work his way up to meet her needs.  That is preferable than risking traumatizing her by going too far.   We’ve all three talked about this and Kayla’s response was a bold, “Then traumatize me and I’ll tell you when it’s gone too far!”  I reminded her that while that may help find her limits faster, it is not worth the price of knowing we did that to her.  Plus, it isn’t just about what she is able to “take,” it is also about what we are willing to deliver.  It may sound good to her, but such trauma has both physical and emotional consequences for her.  We told her to just trust us and that we will get to her limits in a safe way.

There have been many conversations with the three of us as well as just between Mike and Kayla regarding what she is looking for in her submission.   Mike and I agree that just because she is asking for greater consequences doesn’t mean that is what is best for her.  Mike and I have both adopted a slow escalation of things to ensure we don’t go too far, too fast.  Mike communicated this to Kayla and while she accepted it, it was clear this was not her preference.

A Respite from Meanie!
Mike has definitely adopted a “meaner” tone with Kayla than with me.  He is not callous, uncaring, or malicious.  He is just much more stern and exact in what he requires of her.  I admittedly have a hard time doing that.  It would be easy to say it just isn’t in my nature, but it isn’t in Mike’s either.  He is simply adjusting to what Kayla has communicated regarding her needs. 

My biggest fear is that if Kayla is getting the same “mean” treatment from both of us, where is her respite?  I think it is important for her to have someone close to her that she can confide in that has nothing to do with her being a submissive.  Sort of like how I have Donna for that.   Note that by “confide” I do not mean share things with someone that she doesn’t share with us.  That is against our rules.  We share everything regarding our thoughts and feelings.  It is more about having a different sounding board to help one sort through their thoughts.  We would still close the loop and share any new insights or conclusions.  

As a result of this discussion, Kayla said she had a close friend that she would be willing to confide in if it was agreeable to us.  Kayla has a good friend, we will call F, who is a gay man she met in college and has known for four years.   They are close, and have gone to parties, concerts and road trips to together.  We have met him once, which really isn’t enough to earn our confidence, however, we trust Kayla in that if she feels he is trustworthy, then fine by us.  Thus, Kayla talked to F and shared some of what is going on.  She’ll reveal more to him over time.  Apparently his initial reaction was positive and Kayla said “he is cool with it.” 

With F as the designated “respite care giver”, Kayla jokingly said, “Okay, Ma’am, so you see, you can be mean to me too!”   Ug!  I told her that I would do my best..or is it my worst?… but that she must remember she always has the power to stop things.  We created a safewords of sorts for her to use to tell me that she needs me to just be “Mrs. H” and not Ma’am.  She just needs to say she needs “Mrs. H.”

NEXT: 107. OUR NEW NORMAL? Sizzle, Spankings, Sex?

104. What’s my role? Dom-ish?

It’s only been six days since Kayla moved in.   The holiday family comings-and-goings has out of our regular routine.  We are all making adjustments where we can so Kayla and I can fulfill our submissive needs as best as possible.  I look forward to resuming a more normal routine and allow Kayla to experience more consistency in her submission.  

Just six days in and we experienced our first wrinkle.  While not specifically expected, we all went into this knowing we had things to learn and would need to make adjustments to fit everyone’s needs.  Well, we’ve had one such adjustment already.

As I mentioned before re Kayla’s contract, Kayla has nightly maintenance sessions (mine have always been weekly and remain so).  The main reason is to be sure we give and receive feedback more frequently as we “calibrate” Kayla’s needs with our awareness and ability to fulfill them.  

In each of her first four sessions, Kayla made it clear she wants us to be strict and “hold her feet to the fire.”  Not literally, of course – we do have limits!  As such we’ve implemented more required tasks of her and critique her very closely regarding her adherence.  One such task is the Morning Inspection.  

MORNING INSPECTION
She was required to keep her room neat and clean but now has to maintain it at an impeccable level, else she is punished.  Any clothes that she has folded and in a drawer must be precisely folded and organized a certain way.  The hangers in her closet must be spaced apart at a distance of three of her fingers and all hanging clothes must face a certain way.  Every day she must dust her furniture and baseboards, vacuum, and clean both her mirror and window every day.  Her bed must be made the moment she gets up (assuming she slept in it and not in ours!).  Her personal appearance is also subject to inspection (as shared in Post 92. The Inspection).   She is to get up early to attend to these duties and on workdays Mike will do an inspection before he leaves for work.   On days he is off he will do so shortly after he wakes up. 

CHANGE IN ATTENDING HER MAINTENANCE SESSIONS
After I attended the first four sessions, Kayla asked that I stop attending the entire session.  She asked that I attend at the start, give any feedback on observations from the day, and then leave unless she or Mike specifically asks that I stay.  Her reason was simply she wanted most of the session to be between her and Mike.

The sub in me is fine with this.  The wife in me is very happy with this – as I mentioned before, I want Kayla and Mike to forge their own relationship that is not always dependent on my involvement.  Also, I am happy that Kayla was comfortable enough to say this as I know it was hard for her to voice that.  However, the supposed Dom in me was confused! 

I am comfortable with Kayla being submissive to me and she wants to be submissive to me, but clearly we need to define what this really means.  Does she really want to be submissive to me or not?  While she is submissive to me, it is clear that I am not her Dom, nor do I want to be.  That is Mike’s role.  In addition, I don’t want her to be nor consider her to be “my submissive.” She is Mike’s, not mine.   She says she wants to be submissive to me, but then not be involved in her Maintenance Sessions?   So what is my role?

We had a good discussion about this that helped me accept my role.  As we previously agreed and Kayla has in her contract, she must call me Ma’am, and must fulfill my requests and follow my directions.   However, she is free to question me at any time as that is intended to help her learn.  Her questioning needs to be calm and inquisitive and I can cut off further questioning if I feel it is necessary.  She can then bring up the issue at her Maintenance Session.  In addition, I am to deliver Immediate Rewards when earned, and can defer other punishments until Mike is able to deliver them.  

While all of these items were the expectations that were initially set, we didn’t explicitly talk about Maintenance Sessions but it was inferred I would participate.  Now she doesn’t want me there.  Again, I have no qualms about attending or not, it is simply about setting expectations and clearly defining my role.  I accept that the definition of my role will likely change over time as Kayla discovers what is and what is not fulfilling to her as a submissive. 

We talked about this and while we couldn’t really put a name on it.  I am dom-like, but not a Dom, I am submissive to Mike, but have to keep a Dom-mindset when dealing with Kayla.   So, sort of dom-lite, or submissive plus?  The best labels that we came up with to convey my role was Dom-Assistant or Submissive-enabler.   That is, I help serve as Mike’s proxy when he is away and will limit any spankings or punishments to those requiring Immediate Rewards when Mike is not around.  For all others, Kayla will self-report to Mike and Mike will handle accordingly.    In addition, I help facilitate Kayla’s submissive mindset, promoting certain behaviors through my “orders” and general interaction with her.   However, I am not “her Dom” and she is not “my sub.”

 I believe talking through this helped better set expectations going forward and I am fine with this.  This isn’t about my need to be a Dom – as I don’t need it.  It is simply about understanding Kayla’s needs and being there to help her be the sub she wants, so long as it does not interfere with my submissiveness.   I think this clarification provides a good balance that allows me to help her while staying within my submissive head space.   

We talked about re-writing a section of her contract to better codify what it means for her to be submissive to me, but we decided to hold off for now as I am sure we will learn more as we go.  In the meantime, we simply have this new understanding of how it will work.

I’ve got an interesting punishment story to share on my next post re Kayla and more cursing.

NEXT: 105. Cleaning a Potty Mouth

57. Maintenance Session: Apologies and Back to School Sex and Submission

We just wrapped up our weekly Maintenance Session.

Spanking revisited:
We just wrapped up our Maintenance Session. I brought up the punishment that I didn’t agree with.   At first Mike resisted a bit, saying it was about my tone and not about his frustration, but then he did admit that it was both.   He said his initial trigger in spanking me was my tone, but that he was clearly frustrated and he let that frustration into the  spanking.  He said that clearly, the third set of spankings was all about his frustration, so if we were to break it down, maybe the first set was the tone, the last the frustration, and the middle a mix of both.  Regardless, he apologized and said he knows it is important to keep the Rewards focused on the goals of our Domestic Discipline and our journey into a more D/s relationship doesn’t change that.   I was relieved that we were on the same page with this.  I am not sure how easily I would have let this go if he insisted it was only about the tone I used.

Foursome revisited:
We also talked about sex with John and Donna.  We were also in agreement there.  We both shared that we enjoyed it a lot and we both felt good about the experiences.  We both admitted to a bit of shock that we were actually living out this shared fantasy – shock as in a happy and amazing way, not in an alarming and upsetting sort of way.

We both shared that we experienced this post-coital feeling shortly after orgasm where we both wish John and Donna would go away.  It’s like we just want to be with each other in that moment.  That feeling only lasted a minute or two before we were back into loving the moment with the four of us.  We found it interesting that we both shared that post-coital feeling. I wonder if that’s a common thing with couples?

Back to School – Sex and Submission
We also talked about how things should be with school back in session tomorrow.  Mike said that once I got home from dropping our son off at school, I was to take my clothes off in the garage, before I stepped into the house.  I would remain naked all day and would only get dressed to run errands or if I had visitors other than Donna.

We also talked about Donna.  Donna works part-time and we often go shopping or run errands together in the afternoon, or otherwise just hang out together.  Now that we were having sex with John and Donna, we talked about whether Donna and I could have sex without the guys.  Mike and John had already talked it over and agreed we could, but they needed to know about it.  I would text Mike with “out with Donna” whenever Donna and I were planning to have sex.  Keep in mind thus far Donna and I have never been alone with just each other, so the thought of this really excites me.

Mike said that each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be a “device” day where I would have to wear something from the moment I woke up until 11 a.m. (that’s about 3.5 hours).  Monday’s would be a butt plug, Wednesday would be the tack bra, and Friday would be nipple clamps.  They remain in use even if I have errands to run.  No exceptions.   I was impressed that Mike came up with this idea on his own.  In the past this would have happened only if I suggested to Mike that I was open to something kinky, and perhaps would even have to specify what it was.  Now, he is just coming up with this stuff on his own.   It shows me he is willing to be dominant.  Of course, I love not just the dominance itself, but the fact he is comfortable coming up with ways to express his dominance.

Oh – I have been working on a really nice tack bra and will have it finished by Wednesday.  I got some ideas for it online.  I used leather and an old t-shirt and cut some bra cup shapes.  I inserted 55 tacks through one leather cup and then through the cup made from the t-shirt.  The extra layer of the t-shirt gave me something softer against my breasts and added just enough material so that the tacks were still protruding pretty well, but not as much as they would be without the extra layer of material.  You can say I am cheating, but Mike agree to this, at least for now.  It isn’t intended as a “punishment bra” so the Submissive Rules Committee allows it.

I then covered the flat side of the tacks with another piece of leather to lock the tacks in place.  I used my sewing skills and stitched it all together.   One problem with the stitching is that it pulls the layers together pretty tightly, so the new “tack pad” lays pretty flat.  I ended up having to sew this pad into the bra so that it conformed to the shape of the bra cup.  I’ve got one cup done and all is left on the remaining one is to sew it into the bra.

I continue to marvel at my personal journey over the last 17 months.  It has been quite a transformation and I can honestly say it has surpassed every expectation I had.  I’ve discovered a part of me that I didn’t know existed, and a strength and dedication that I didn’t know existed.   I am living life and loving life, every moment, every day.   It still sounds odd to say it, but I owe it all to spanking – more specifically, to Domestic Discipline. 

NEXT:  Sex with Donna. . . What did I forget?