Tag Archives: submissive wife

265. Joy without submission?

205

The post before last I posed a question about why Mike was more in tuned than I was regarding our little bit of “drifting” from our regular DD routines.   I ask it because I find it curious.  I am not troubled by it.  In fact, I think the fact Mike noticed it before me is a milestone in our DD.  Up until then, I was the one either asking for more discipline or lamenting over something feeling “off.”   It’s great that Mike noticed it and was willing to say something – albeit a bit vaguely.

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken a philosophical self-analyzing trip into my DD journey.  So now is a good time to do that.   

THEN WHY SO JOYFUL?
It was odd that Mike noticed it first, but it was more odd that I wasn’t anywhere near sensing it.  My level of fulfillment and joy over the last several months has been sky high!  Does that mean I would prefer a softening of our DD and that I am not getting as much joy from it as I once was?  

Oh, and before I answer that.  I would not be bothered by either a yes or no answer.  Certainly, a “yes” would pose a challenge in that we would have to work to reconcile the different needs, but I am confident we could do so if needed.  It isn’t realistic to assume needs will never change, and we are committed to finding equitable solutions to any differences we face, kink or otherwise.   

HOWEVER, my needs haven’t changed, nor has Mike’s.  So, YES, I still want the level of D/s we attained before we drifted a bit.  Perhaps I am not yearning as much for it, but I not only enjoy it, I know I need it – emotionally and as part of being the wife, mother, and person that I want to be.   It is actually a good thing that I can find contentment in other aspects of my life.  It isn’t either I have D/s or I shrivel up and die.

Fulfillment has many facets, and being submissive is an important one, but not the only one.  I am sure there are times where I need to be more in my submissive headspace than other times.  Just like there may be times Mike needs to feel his dominance more than other times.  So why wasn’t I needing it as much lately?  Where has my fulfillment been coming from?

There are many joys in my life that transcend submission.

FAMILY!
I won’t re-hash all the great developments with my kids, but suffice to say, it is hard to not feel fulfilled when your kids appear to be happy.   Okay, I won’t re-hash them in detail, but here’s a summary as I can’t resist showing some pride in my kids! 

T1 bought a house, and is getting married to a great woman who I adore.  T2 graduating college, finding a great job, and growing into full adulthood.  J, who has exceeded all the expectations we had for him just a few years ago.  His growth and development despite his disability has been amazing.   

And then there is Kayla – I love her and she loves me.  I am so happy for her and all she adds to my marriage and my family.  And most importantly, she is happy.   Being out in the open about her has also been a great emotional booster for all of us.  

And there’s more – extended family!  A great relationship with my sisters, with whom I can be open and honest in sharing my life choices.  And re Kayla – my parents, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles — while not everyone is as accepting as I would like, it is still liberating to be open with it.   And their (well, some of them) willingness to give naturism a try further shows their openness and acceptance of my family.

FRIENDSHIPS AND FINANCES
And even more…
friendships!   A close friendship with John and Donna, our “unique” relationship with Matt, and a great group of pals in my “lunch bunch” friends.  I also think the relationship with Matt has been invigorating.  We are over the “honeymoon” phase of it so it has lost a bit of its mystique, but, I know I got an emotional boost from it all.  I still do, just not what it was when it was all new. 

And beyond the emotional fulfillment, Mike’s work has been going well, so finances haven’t been an area of stress.  And with T2 done with college — the finances look even better.  We can finally start ramping up funding our retirement and making sure J can be supported for his lifetime.

NUDISM
I have to give nudism some credit as well.  It really has had an amazing positive psychological impact on me and my family.  It has boosted everyone’s self-confidence, not that it was particularly lacking.  It also tightens the already strong emotional bond we share.   Can’t explain it – it just does.    Perhaps adopting nudism is the ultimate in “vulnerability.”  And if you read my countless posts about vulnerability, you’ll know all the positive results that come with allowing yourself to be vulnerable.   

SUBMISSION
And it isn’t like we took a hiatus from our DD.  I have remained very submissive throughout my daily activities and have had the occasional punishment.    Our “drift” was very subtle.  So my need for submission was still being fed, just perhaps a little bit smaller helpings.  

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT MY DD
Yes, I admit it.  Not every ounce of my joy and fulfillment comes from feeding my submissive mindset.  That’s a good thing.  My identity as a submissive defines my relationship with my husband, a relationship that is the largest contributor to my fulfillment – but not the only contributor.

I think sometimes when joy is lacking in one facet of life, you subconsciously try to make up for it somewhere else.  Perhaps that is why I sort of took my eye off of my DD.  I didn’t notice we had backed off a little because I am getting so much fulfillment elsewhere.  My submissive-mindset-fulfillment-meter could actually dip a bit and I didn’t notice it.  That’s okay.  Our needs are not a constant.

And to Mike’s credit, it isn’t like he wasn’t feeling fulfilled by our kids and aspects of life beyond just the two of us.  He recognized he also feels great about all of those things I have mentioned.  I think the difference is every day he was being the Dom that Kayla needed, giving him a point of reference for our D/s.  That vantage point allowed him to sense the widening gap between the fulfillment he was getting as her Dom versus the fulfillment he was getting as mine.  So he said something – and I am glad he did.

The result was the tweaks and refocusing that I shared on one of my previous posts.  You do know what that means, don’t you?  More opportunities to be disciplined.   And that is not just theoretical, but a fact.  Yes, there has been an increase in discipline. Hmm…maybe there is a spanking story coming up?

Next: 266. Domestic Discipline Throwback: A Spanking two-fer

236. Domestic Discipline works for me

237

Mike has been rationing my internet time (re Post 217).   In addition, my new volunteer work is impacting my “me” time more than I expected.   Thus, the combination of the two has decreased the pace of my posts following a frenetic posting streak (at least for me) in January.

It seems childish that my husband would have to limit my internet time.  Well, I agree, it is . . . in-so-far as we assume that, as adults, we always make decisions that are in our best interests.  Well guess what, we don’t!  And I am fortunate to have a dynamic in my relationship that holds me accountable to my husband and subject to consequences for failures in my agreed upon duties and obligations.

I was being consumed with social media and it actually created an anxiety that I didn’t see at the time.  I had to get online… I had to check what was going on here, going on there, what so-and-so was saying, what I could add to this conversation or that conversation, let alone, my own emails and posts. 

You would think this anxiety would cause me to want to unplug for a while, but it was just the opposite.  I wanted more.  I don’t want to call it an addiction, but it did share some of those traits.  In the moment I felt relieved, excited, fulfilled… and once I stopped, I felt anxious, like I was missing out, and just had to get back online. 

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
It may surprise you that I’ve thought a lot about what could have been at the root of my social media fixation in January — ha, that was a joke, as any regular reader knows “Self-reflection” is my middle name.    To some extent that fixation is always there — it is how many of us engage the world.  But in January it reached a tipping point for me and went from “engaging” to “counter productive.”    

REVISED DD
I think part of it was that I was adjusting to the new requirements in our latest contract.  (I wrote about some of them in Post 168, Post 169, and Post 173).   Even though the new contract started mid-October, the holidays interrupted a lot of our DD routine such that much of it couldn’t be fully practiced and refined until January.

SUBMISSIVE FAILS
Part of it was also the string of disciplinary actions I got myself into from around December through January had me feeling a little defeated – like I was failing at my submission.  Missing the Super Bowl party really stung.  In hindsight, it was a great motivator in adjusting my behavior.  It really put things in the right perspective for me.

REVEALING D/s AND KAYLA
Lastly,  I can now see that I had anxiety over the prospects of our being more public with our dynamic – both the D/s and relationship with Kayla.  I welcomed this, and have been very happy with all that has transpired thus far because of it.   But, prior to actually doing it, I was feeling some anxiety about the unknown.  Fear of rejection? Fear of being thought of in a negative way?   I know I had those fears.  And even if I thought I had them under control, fear can be insidious and manifest itself in ways you don’t realize.   I can totally see how my need to engage people (be accepted) was heightened because of those underlying fears I had.

FIXING IT!
The volunteer work has helped because I think part of it was that I was needing more real life connections.  I have my “lunch bunch” friends but we don’t get together as often as I’d like.  Oh – and I never mentioned this, but, Donna, who is my best friend, has been working more hours (she normally works part-time) thus my commiserating with her has been limited.  And Kayla has school, so is gone chunks of the day, and until recently, had her boyfriend to spend time with.   So yeah, I needed more IRL connections!

And while the volunteering has helped, the biggest “cure” was in Mike restricting my online time.  It made me hone in on what and who was truly important to me regarding which social media I would engage and how much I would engage it.

I’ve given priority to blogging and communicating (via email, text, etc) with specific people I enjoy communicating with.  Even with that priority, my time is more limited so I don’t get to do it quite as much as I would like, but, I no longer feel any anxiety over it. Because Mike commands it, it is as if I allow myself an acceptable excuse for not always “keeping up” as much as I would like.   Yep – that’s the mind of a submissive!

ONWARD AND UPWARD!
So yeah, it may sound childish to some of you that my husband has to discipline me, but hey, it works!  I no longer feel the anxiety I was having in January.  I am energetically and effectively performing my duties and obligations  (And thankful for our Maintenance Sessions as the need for discipline has been few and far between over the last 6-8 weeks or so). 

I know the pre-DD Jenny would be gagging over the thought of her husband restricting her internet time.  But today’s Jenny is more happy, more fulfilled, more optimistic, more joyful, and is a better person, wife, mother, and friend – so that pre-DD Jenny can just suck it!!  Oh wait, that sounds like something the today Jenny is more apt to do.  lol!!

Speaking of sucking, NaughtyNora commented in my last post, asking me about Matt.  There’s some fodder for my next post!   Ha.  How’s that for a segue?

Next: 237. Weird in a Good Way – Cuckolding

224. It’s all good: Behavior, Life, Love, Openness, Nudity

224

I feel so alive right now and in such a good groove on so many levels.

BEHAVIOR IS GOOD
I haven’t been disciplined in just over two weeks now.  I didn’t even get a chance to share my last spanking, so here it is in brevity.

I told someone I email back and forth with the city in which I live.  That is a no-no, and a big one.  Mike is very tired of me pushing the limits of our privacy rules.  The spanking was significant, even more than the New Years Eve one, and include the very real threat of losing my blog if I ever again disclose things like that without his permission.  Mike has shown he does not make idle threats.   He means it.

I was going to have a post all about it but it’s been so long I no longer feel compelled to share.  Suffice to say I was feeling pretty down about it.   I feel bad for pushing Mike to the point he had to make such a “nuclear” threat.  Compounding my feelings was that it was all part of about 4-6 weeks of some major “submission” fails in my book.

It caused me to focus more intently on adhering to my commitments and it paid off – like I said, I am now just over two weeks since my last disciplining.  As much as I prefer not being disciplined, two weeks discipline-free makes me all the more thankful for our maintenance sessions!  They have been welcomed and critical to helping me stay in a submissive mindset.  

LIFE IS GOOD!
Things are great on the D/s front, I am enjoying my volunteer work, J is doing great health and behavior-wise, T2 will be graduating college in May and has two job offers he is considering (leaning towards taking one in San Diego), and T1’s upcoming nuptials fill the air with excitement.  Kayla is wrapping up her first year of grad school (excellent grades), and seems to be in a good grove with her boyfriend, Michaud.  

LOVE IS GOOD!
Mike’s work is going well, and our relationship has never been stronger.  Mike and Kayla have also become exceptionally close and it warms my heart to witness it.  And my relationship with Kayla is strong as well.

We are human, so occasionally there are petty things that come up, but we hit them head on and talk about them whenever they arise – never let them fester.  Typically it deals with differences in how Mike treats us.  We all understand we have differences in our relationships with each other, in our needs as individuals, and in what Kayla and I thrive in as submissives.  But still, there are times we need to remind ourselves to appreciate these differences and not let them interfere in our happiness. 

Thankfully, such interference is few and far between.  I only mention it so as not to paint an inaccurate picture of constant bliss.  We are human, thus subject to the frailty of human emotions.   And a poly relationship with a married couple can exploit those frailties for everyone involved.   Thus communication and love is so extra important.    Love conquers all!

OPENNESS IS GOOD
Adding to all of that, it feels wonderful to be more open with who we are.  I know this seems contrary to Mike’s fervor over online privacy.   He draws a distinction between not hiding in the real world and being “out there” online.  He was feeling it was unfair to Kayla for us to have to hide things, as if we were embarrassed by it, which we were not.  And he felt i
t would be unfair for our kids to learn of it some other way.  And as for D/s, he wasn’t  enthusiastic with sharing, but he recognized it was also too difficult to keep hidden from those that frequently interact with us. 

He also knows my proclivity to push any flexibility he showsif I had my way, I’d be on YouTube singing the praises of my lifestyle choices.  Thus he has drawn a line with what I can and can’t share online and expects me to adhere to it.  And in “real world,” he still does not want us talking about it for no reason or without his permission – and when we do, give the least amount of information as needed.

Oh, one major “openness” breakthrough with Mike has to do with Kayla.  At times when she has to be introduced, we’ve given the awkward, “She is a family friend who is staying with us until she finishes school.”  (Post 112).  This description always made us feel bad, as if we were discounting what Kayla means to us.  Now, if asked or if simply introducing her, she will be “my girlfriend, Kayla.”   Easy enough for me to get away with without people thinking anything of it, as the term has platonic connotations when I say it.  But Mike will also be saying this.  It will certainly raise some eyebrows.  I am excited for Kayla as I know it makes her feel very good – very valued – that we are willing to do this.

NUDITY IS GOOD
E’s revelation excites me.  I’ve shared a little bit about my upbringing in so far as some of the values championed by my mother than were instilled in me.  Here’s a tidbit I haven’t shared before that is both curious and humorous.  I was a child nudist!  

My parents told me my penchant for wearing my birthday suit began as soon as I was able to take my own clothes off – and even before I was potty trained.  Once i figured out I could pull a diaper off, off they came.  Suffice to say my parents had extra incentive to quickly get me potty trained. 

My mom said I would complain that clothing was “heavy and itchy.”  I think I had some overactive tactile response to clothing.  She would try to get me light and loose-fitting materials, but no avail.  By around age 5 we seemed to have negotiated an arrangement where I was always naked at home, but understood I needed to wear clothes when certain people came over or we went out.  My parents were very accommodating, never making me feel bad for wanting to be clothes free.  Their “everyone else has clothes on” seemed to convince me that I should too without feeling bad for preferring to be naked.

At the start of first grade (just turned 6) I got the “you’re a big girl now, going to school, yadda yadda. . . thus you need to start wearing clothes.”  I remember not understanding why it was a big deal to be naked at home.  I vividly remember my mom asking me at what age I think I should stop being naked around the house.  I told her, “when I have boobies because that’s what bothers people.”  I once thought this innocent answer was cute, but grew to take it as a sad commentary that still applies to society’s views on nudity.  I digress.

Growing up there wasn’t a lot of nudity (other than me) in the house, but there also wasn’t any shame in it.  If I happened to wander in at an inopportune moment, neither my parents or siblings cared – and any questions were met with age appropriate answers – much like how Mike and I run our household.  

On my seventh birthday, I boldly announced my decision to start wearing clothes around the house.  I remember it made me feel grown up to proclaim this, even though I still wanted to be naked.  At that point I confined my nudity mostly to my room.  My routine was after a bath I would dry off and stay naked as I made my way to my room and I slept in the nude.  It stayed that way all the way until college.  From there I got in the habit of wearing pajamas and pretty much retained that habit until embracing D/s.  

Today, being naked around the house has rekindled the “naturist” within me.  I loved it last year when Mike, Kayla, and I were nude on our Immersion get-away.   And now with E, I’ve found a kindred spirit in the desire to be clothes-free.  Fortunately, Mike is supportive.  We are eagerly planning a getaway this summer.

A question remains whether we will bring J with us.  We might go during the two weeks of the summer he spends at my parents.  But we also might just take him.  The nudity isn’t a concern for us, it is the accommodations.  With his disability there is a lot we have to consider, from accessibility, dietary needs, and entertainment.  If we can find the right place, we may take him, otherwise, we won’t.

Oh, this reminds me of a skinny dipping story of my youth!  Perhaps on my next post!

Post 225. Pansexual (and a skinny dip story)

212. Another Weigh I am Submissive

212

Weigh in day was yesterday!  I shared that Mike required me to get my weight down to 135.  My official starting weight on October 18, was 153.3.   My official weight is an average of my morning, afternoon, and evening weigh-in.   I was at 136.8 two weeks ago.  The pounds were getting more difficult to shed.   Would I make it? 

My weigh-in?  134.6, then 134.8, and then 134.9, so officially 134.76.  I just made it!

I was a little disappointed I didn’t lose more over the last three weeks, but, I am not complaining.   Oh, and if you are thinking that I should strangle my husband for making me lose weight, I shared my thoughts in  Post 202.   The short of it, yeah, I get it.  Weight and appearance can be a touchy subject and there was a time even a comment about such things would have offended me.  No more!  I submit to him regarding dress, make up, overall appearance, and yes, my weight!

Mike has added a weigh-in to my Maintenance Sessions.  I must stay under 135.  I think I’ll shoot to get to 132 before thinking about easing up a bit – I’d like to get back to having at least the occasional sweets and treats.  I will stick with my exercise routine as I’ve enjoyed exercising way more than I use to.  I think DD has made my body addicted to endorphins, thus exercising feeds that addiction!  That’s my theory anyway.    

By the weigh, as a show of support, if you recall I shared that Mike committed to losing 12 himself.  He ended up losing 9 — loser!!  Ha ha.  He knows I am joking.  And again, if you think it is unfair that he didn’t reach his goal and I did, refer back to Post 202

NEXT QUARTERLY GOAL
My contract calls for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me. The purpose of this is for Mike to choose some things that he feels will help me in overall self-improvement.  For the next quarter, he is  putting together 13 topics that he wants me to research – one per week.  I basically write a paper, just like a school assignment.  He thought about making me hand write it, but thankfully decided typing was acceptable!   

He doesn’t have all 13 topics selected yet.  The ones he has are all kink related.  The bonus is these papers may serve as good topics for a blog post!  Sort of killing two birds with one stone.  I’ll share the topics once he has completed them. 

That’s it.  Just a quick update on my Quarterly Goal!

Next:  213. Speedy Spanking Summations

211. Eek! Dom Fail!

Eek

I often follow a “punishment” related post with one of reflection.  Writing helps clear my mind of various thoughts following an intense punishment.  This time I don’t feel the need for it.  I accept it, I earned it, I am influenced by it, I am uplifted by it, and I am fulfilled by it.  It is aligned with my desires to be compliant with the commitments I have made to myself and Mike — he can do no wrong in my mind when it comes to his disciplining me.

Or can he? 

THE LUNCH BUNCH
I have a “lunch bunch” group of girlfriends that get together now and then, yes, typically for lunch.  (I posted about them before and about inappropriately revealing certain TTWD’s to them that earned me a punishment).  We are more connected via social media than in person, but we try to get together every now and then.  I missed the last couple of gatherings – schedule conflict or maybe I was sick one of the times.  Whatever, I am overdue for attending one of these. 

MIKE SAYS NO, and a bit more
Early last week I got a text about getting together for lunch later this week.  My calendar is clear and I know I can get my chores done and still attend.  As per my rules, I ask Mike for permission.

“No, you may not go.”

He gives no explanation and adds, “I want you to text back these words exactly, “Mike said I can’t attend this time.  Maybe the next one.”

Despite my surprise in hearing ‘no,’ my submissive reflexes are quick and I respond with a clear, “Yes, Sir.” I waste no time and get my phone.  Send!  Shortly thereafter I get a text back saying, “Hope to see you next time,” along with the “eek” emoji.  That’s the emoji face with the grimace showing it’s teeth.  

“Sir, did I fail to put something on my calendar, I show I was free at that time?”

“No, there isn’t anything I am aware of that you need to do.”

I accept his answer.  I enjoy these lunches but I enjoy submitting to Mike even more.  If he has something in mind such that he doesn’t want me to attend, so be it.  I addressed my concern regarding my calendar because failing to keep it accurate could result in a spanking.  I was curious as to why the text, but I tuck that wonderment away for a question to be asked at our next Maintenance Session.   

REFLECTION
As I journaled that night, I am hit by the magnitude of how I handled myself.  Not only do I not desire an explanation from Mike, but I don’t even try to ponder what his reasons might be.  This is huge for me!  Like, gargantuan for me!  A major event!  And it really vibrates my submissive tickle-spot to have him display this control over me.  I am not embarrassed by what I texted – I am excited!  Excited for the opportunity to explain it to her, excited to have shown Mike my love, trust, and confidence in him to obey without questioning why he said no.  I do not care why.  I am fulfilled in following his wishes.

ASKING THE QUESTION 
At our Sunday Maintenance I ask, “Sir, I have a question about the text you had me send regarding the lunch with my friends. May I ask it”

We have this routine where I basically ask permission to ask a question about a particular topic.  It’s not a specific rule, but it is in keeping with being respectful while still sharing any concerns I have.  I don’t believe he has ever told me he would not explain something when I have ask in this manner.  

“Ask away.”

“Sir, is there a particular way you recommend I handle questions she and others are certainly going to ask me.  I know she is going to tell everyone what I texted her.”

I am asked if I am bothered by this.  “No, Sir, I am excited by it.  I want to make sure I understand what I am permitted to say to her and the others.”  As per our rules, I am not to share aspects of TTWD without Mike’s permission.

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF SUBMISSION
Since October we have been much more public in displaying our D/s.   We have talked a little bit about it with our children and other extended family members — simply that I chose to let Mike “take over the reigns” so to speak, and defer more to him.  I was “tired of being in command.”  They totally accepted it as they know I was the “do everything” mom for a long time.

I think the nonchalant manner in which we explained (very little) things  helped contribute to a response that was basically, “Meh.”   That, and, well, I think most people just don’t want to know the details.  The one area that had a little more of reaction was my calling him “Sir.”  I told my kids I’ve committed to treating dad more nicely and respectfully, thus the “Sir.”   They did see that as a bit odd, but also accepted it.   Oh, back to my Maintenance Session.

BACK TO THE MAINTENANCE SESSION, ALREADY IN PROGRESS
Mike tells me he trusts in whatever I decide to share, with one condition.  He wants my responses to not reveal any more than is necessary to answer the specific question.  Thus, a simple, “Yes” or “No,” to most questions.  If they pry, then explain as necessary to answer their specific question.  I am told there is no need to lie about anything – be truthful, but show discretion. 

I thank Mike for the information and we talk a bit more about what it means to be more open with our submission.  We are “calibrated” on this subject.   

Mike asks, “Don’t you have another question?”  “No, Sir.”

His eyes open wide in amazement, “Nothing?”  Again I reply, “No, Sir,” and I add,  “I only wanted to make sure my response to them is acceptable to you.  That’s it.”

“Wow,” he says with an impressed look.  “Okay then.  I was waiting for you to ask me why I wouldn’t let you go.  Don’t you want to know?”

“Sir, I am not curious in the way curious implies an eagerness or a doubt.  I wrote it all down in my journal.”  I show him.  I wrote, “I am not curious from the standpoint curious implies eager.  I am not eager to know.  I have no wonder or doubts.  There is no anxiety or yearning.  But, I am curious from the standpoint it was unexpected, a surprising answer.  He hasn’t said ‘no’ before.  But other than the unexpected nature of it, I have no curiosity.  It is what he wants, that is more than sufficient.”   

Mike questions me, clearly needing convincing of my sincerity.  Normally I would be troubled by this, but I understood why – I’ve questioned and doubted his reasoning before, so why not now?   He was finding my response equally “curious.”   Instead of simply telling me why or moving on to another subject, Mike asks me what I think his reasons might be. 

“Sir, I haven’t thought about it, but doing so now, perhaps it was part of the “reset,” perhaps there is still something you want of me that you will reveal in time, or perhaps you are just comforted by my submitting to you.  Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter to me unless you want me to know.” 

 I was not saying this for the sake of appearing submissive.  It is truly my mindset.  I don’t seek any reason other than I desire to serve him.  It feels really good to feel this way.  Amazingly good.  Again, my submissive tickle spot is vibrating like crazy!   Submissive bliss inside my giant submissive bliss-filled bubble.  

“Well,” Mike says sheepishly, “I wish I could say any one of those was my reason.  But to be honest, I am sorry to say it wasn’t for anything as nice as that.”

“Pop!”  I could feel my bubble burst. 

DOM FAIL
I am bewildered as he remains silent.  “Sir?  Mike?  Are you going to explain?”

“Well, you see. . . in the moment you asked, there was just something that told me to say “no.”  So I said it.  My next thought was that I was reminded of your disobedience when you had your last lunch and told them those things about us.  Something just clicked in my head to think you shouldn’t be allowed to see them this one time as punishment.”

I recognized my submissive reflexes turned themselves off. I take in a deep breath and remind myself to “Think loving intentions.  Be respectful.  Stay calm.”  

“Sir, I am sorry too, but that really bothers me.  Any discipline I receive is to be over once you say it is over.  And we had a closing ceremony and all was forgiven.  That’s why we say those words.  ‘All is forgiven’ is to mark the end so that it can also mark a new beginning, no lingering resentments.”   There, I was calm.   But then, snidely I add, “That was like a YEAR ago!” (Hey, I was almost perfect in my response.  Remember, progress, not perfection!).

“Jen, let’s not make this about your submission.  Please don’t raise your voice.  Yes, I screwed up.  I am sorry.  I didn’t think it through and just reacted.  When I first said ‘no’ I really didn’t even know why.  It was only in the seconds afterwards that I connected it to that reason.  To be honest, I didn’t think of it as additional punishment, even though you are right, it is.  Had I thought about it that way I would have changed my mind.  It really was out-of-bounds.  I am sorry.”

With that, I felt my submissive bubble starting to fill back up.  I thought of the several “submissive fails” that I have had over the last three years.  This was the first time Mike made a decision that was contrary to any “rule” we have.   And the way he owned up to it – oh my God, it was so sincere.  Not in just the words, but I could tell he was disappointed in himself.  This was not about some plot to get me.  (Something pre-DD Jenny would think). It was an honest mistake. 

I was quiet for about ten seconds and Mike asks, “What are you thinking?”

Very slowly and deliberately I say, “I am thinking. . . ”  insert dramatic pause, all is forgiven.”  And I hug him!

N.B. What about Lunch?
What is N.B.?  It’s like a P.S., and stands for Nota Bene.  It sounds so much fancier and pretentious than P.S., and of course, you know DDJennifer is all about being hoity-toity.  Yeah, right!  lol.  I digress.

So do I get to go to lunch?  Well, Mike does end up asking me if I want to go.  In 100% submission mindset I say, “Sir, if it helps you with closure on my disobedience from last year, I do not want to go.  Otherwise, yes, I would like to attend.”

With that, I am prepared to face a lot of questions at lunch later this week! (Weather permitting, we are in a bit of a deep freeze in South Texas). 

Next:  212.  Another Weigh I am Submissive

205. In Praise of my Dominant

205

My selected image evoked thoughts of a gentle man, (not just a gentleman), self-assured, confident, nothing to prove.  In other words, the perfect Dominant. 

I ended my last post with this thought – Does Mike ever need a break or help with getting back into a Dominant headspace? 

It made me realize I haven’t expressed enough about how fortunate I am that Mike has taken his Dom role willingly and seriously.  I think at times I take him for granted and just assume since I want to be submissive, of course Mike will be Dominant.

I’ve written before that it is so important for a submissive to give thanks to their Dom. (Post 158. Tips & my Golden Rule of DD).  I don’t think I’ve done enough of that.  This post is dedicated to him and how grateful I am to have him as my husband as well as have him as a Dom and all the roles that come with that.

If you want to read a bit about Mike’s perspectives on our journey, visit Post 74. Interview with Sir.  I had thought about another Q&A but his answers haven’t changed and I couldn’t think of other interesting questions – open to suggestions if you have any.

Here are some of the things for which I am thankful for Mike:

MIKE THE LISTENER
Mike has always been a great listener.  On paper, I should be one as well.  I do have a counseling background after all.  But I basically “played” a good listener for work.  In reality, Mike was the one who mastered listening as a way of life.  I believe that is why he has made such a great Dominant.

I think most people assume that as a Dom he simply imposes his will.  In fact, since adopting DD he is MORE likely to ask for and incorporate my feedback in his decisions.  This is because he knows he has final authority and he takes that power seriously and responsibly.  I believe when you accept the full responsibility of making decisions, you also are accepting full responsibility in the outcome.  Therefore, you want to make the best decisions possible.  To do that, it helps to have input from others, namely your spouse.

Frankly, in this context of “Listener” I don’t like the term Dominant as it is misleading.  It is more about him being a great Head of Household (HOH).  An HOH is more than just a disciplinarian.  They are the “Decider” for the family.

MIKE THE DECIDER
While Mike is the ultimate decision maker in the family, he doesn’t do it in a dictatorial “I am in charge” attitude.  He often  collaborates with me on many issues, weighing my input as he sees fit.

Pre-DD, there would be instant friction if my opinions were contrary to his (often it was because I would refuse to budge, but we won’t go there for now).  Not that we would always argue, but even in a civil discussion there was this undertone of a battle of wills – this point-counter point discussion on who could justify their position the best, or who would give in first.  There is none of that with DD.  He gets the final say.   

The result is, I believe the quality of our household decision making has improved with the “naming” of a clear Head of Household.  Quality being defined as timeliness, effectiveness, and ability to maintain household tranquility.  And this could not have happened if Mike was domineering, versus Dominant.

DOMINEERING VERSUS DOMINANT
I believe a challenge for some couples attempting to adopt a DD lifestyle is to understand the difference between Domineering and Dominant.  The former will likely lead to a very unhappy DD life.  Here are some differences as I see it:

  • Domineering:  Arrogant, defensive, childish, threatens, loud, angry, arbitrary, overbearing, subjugate others.
  • Dominant:  Confident, has nothing to prove, child-like, comforts, subtle, controlled, thoughtful, inspirational, elevate others.

It is so easy to confuse these two terms.  If you are not submissive, you likely see Dominant behavior as domineering.  If you are, then you the know the difference.
It is exactly the reason I once thought John was a complete ass.  Before I was submissive — before I knew anything about Domestic Discipline or a Dominant/submissive relationship – I saw John’s confidence and influence over Donna as domineering.  I often told Mike I thought he was a jerk.  Today, I see him as a very competent Dominant (but not as competent as Mike – I am a bit biased, but take my word for it).

MIKE THE DISCIPLINARIAN
I believe many people assume discipline is all there is to being a Dom.  It is an important role, but without Mike the Listener and Mike the Decider, Mike the Disciplinarian would be, well, just a dick.   Because Mike puts so much thought into what I need, there is always thought put into the discipline as well.  In simple terms, I feel the “punishment fits the crime” when it comes to the discipline he consistently gives.

This doesn’t mean I always agree with every detail of every punishment – nor does it even mean I always agree with detail of every decision or action he takes.  But “agreement” is different from “acceptance.”   I always accept his decisions, whether about discipline or other matters.  (I wrote about Agreement vs Acceptance in Post 55).

I don’t want to repeat myself (any more than I may already have).  Read Post 160 for more about all the attributes that make Mike the best Dom in the world for me!

IS DD EASY FOR MIKE?
I think people automatically assume the sub has the hardest transition to make when adopting this lifestyle.  I agree the sub probably has more emotional and physical challenges to overcome, but in my case, since I instigated our jump into DD, I believe I had more personal drive and motivation.  I really wanted this.  Mike was basically accommodating the crazy ideas of his wife, thus had motivations that may not have been as strong as mine.  In other words, I was committed to DD, he was committed to me.  Humm…so does that really mean it was “easier” for me? 

So does he everfeel he needs a break?  I asked him.  He said no, at least not in some time.  He said early on there were times he was worried about his performance as a Dom.  He hasn’t felt that in a long time.  He said he is energized, he is amazed, he is thrilled, he is, as he put it, “on top of the world.”   He feels his life is almost “too good to be true.” 

His concerns now are more about messing up this good thing.  But, not in a “worry” sort of way.  He likened it to his role as a leader at work.  He thinks a lot about potential problems and how to avoid them.  The difference between thinking and worry is simply confidence and competence.  He feels very confident and competent in his role as my Dom and as Kayla’s.  Thinking about potential pitfalls is just good leadership.

In his mind, the biggest potential pitfall is that he would become domineering – basically, he would allow the power I have given him to corrupt him.  He says the biggest help in feeling that he has not “gone there” re domineering is the great communication and feedback, especially in our Maintenance Sessions, and the thanks both Kayla and I bestow on him.  See – I told you thanks was important re  my Golden Rule of DD.

WHAT ELSE DOES HE THINK ABOUT?
Other than letting the power get to his head, Mike said it isn’t much different than how he approaches his work.  “I think about what I don’t know.  Is there something I am missing?  Is there something I could be doing so that I understand and know more – about my people, about my industry, about processes, about trends, about technology?   In our DD, it is about understanding and knowing more about you and Kayla.  Then it’s about understanding submissives and formulating ways I can best meet your needs.”

What an amazing statement.  Mike said he focuses on “understanding submissives.”
You would think most Dominants would immediately want to understand Dominants and dominance.  Mike’s approach is to first understand me (and Kayla), then understand submissives, all for the purpose of better meeting our needs.  Wow, that doesn’t sound like a traditional Dominant.  Maybe it is. ?!?  

In my view, the fact that being a Dom was contrary to Mike’s default demeanor is exactly why he is such a great Dom.  His overriding motivation isn’t a motivation to be a Dominant, it is a motivation of being committed to my submission.  Huge difference! 

What makes him the best Dominant ever is that he is the best Dominant for me – and speaking for Kayla, I believe the best Dom for her as well.  I’ve said it before, the best Dom is the one that works best for the submissive.  In our case, that is most definitely Mike.  I understand that he could be a complete failure as a Dom to some other sub whose needs differ.  However, something tells me Mike is the kind of guy that would adjust to whatever worked best for any submissive.

I am so so lucky to have him as a husband, especially given my needs for submission.  I must never take him for granted.   This is why the behavior I showed in Post 201  bothers me so much.  He deserves better from me.  Throughout 25 years of marriage and almost three amazing years of DD he has always shown nothing but loving intentions towards me.  It sickens me that I still find opportunities to doubt him.

I’ve spent a lot of the last week in therapy.  Self-therapy that is.  A lot of reflection and soul searching.  In so doing I made a break through that I believe will forever eliminate my predisposition to jump to conclusions that Mike’s motivations are anything except loving.  I’ve jumped to those conclusions in error far too many times in our marriage, including the years using DD.  Mike deserves better from me.  He will get what he deserves.

Mike, I love you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you!  Endless kisses, hugs, licks, sucks, and more.  Much more!!

NEXT: Post 206. Embrace the Stillness

193. Lovebirds and spankings

A quick Kayla and Michaud update and then a rapid fire account of some discipline I received recently.

LOVEBIRDS
Kayla and Michaud continue their real-world-platonic / virtual-sex relationship.  They hang out quite a bit, but Kayla is conscientious of her studies and her duties at home, albeit slightly reduced duties. Overall she is balancing everything very well.  

We’ve all been tested and some results are in (all negative as expected). Mike’s and Kayla’s should be in today or tomorrow.  I know it takes some of the romance out of it, but, although unspoken, it is clear to everyone that this weekend should mark their first time having sex with each other.  It will mark a further deepening of their relationship.  A relationship that is clearly different than most and that has me fascinated, thus my fixation on sharing every detail.   (Thank you, Kayla, for allowing me to do so). 

By the way, although Michaud has an apartment (and a male roommate), Kayla has no plans to stay there overnight any time soon.  A girl’s got to have limits!   She already told Michaud “no overnights.”  She didn’t say it would necessarily be forever, but she wanted to hold that out for a possibility in the future if the relationship continues to flourish. 

Mike and I liked this idea.  Mike could have made this decision for her, but he specifically said he isn’t looking to prohibit what Kayla wants for herself regarding this relationship.  Kayla must keep us informed,and many things must be discussed.  But the focus is on understanding her desires and helping her with the potential challenges. It is not about trying to impose limits. She is 23 and can handle her own relationships.  Kayla is happy with this arrangement but made it clear she wants to be accountable to Mike for her behaviors and desires regarding her relationship with Michaud.  

MY DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE
Oh yeah, this is mainly a blog about me and my DD, not Kayla.   Boring, right? My stuff is old news.  Yawn.   Well, sorry, I am still writing about it. 

After a really good start under our latest Contract, I have found I have fumbled a bit more lately.  Mainly because Mike gave me a bit of a grace period to fully incorporate a lot of my new Duties and Obligations.  That grace period is over.  

ASKING VERSUS TELLING
My Contract requires that I shall not refer to requests made by Mike as “requests” or as being “asked” to do something.  I am to refer to such requests as “orders,” “instructions,” “demands,” or as Mike “telling” me something.   This applies to the blog as well. 

Mike went through what I’ve posted since the new contract started.  He found four references where I wrote of him “asking” me things.  The only exception he has given me is if he is actually posing a question.  I am thankful for that because it would be clunky to say or write a question as a command.  For example, if he asked me, “Where would you like to go this weekend?” I would have to say or write “Mike commanded me to tell him where I would like to go this weekend”  Luckily he said I could pose actual questions he had as being “asked” by him.  But when it comes to things he wants me to do, those are never to be portrayed as him “asking.”

SPANK! And I had to write 40 lines, 10 for each error he found.

FAKE IT UNTIL MAINTENANCE
I earned a spanking one day as Mike felt I was being “less than joyful” about my homemaker duties.  I said something in a negative manner about needing to get some laundry done.  I spoke in a “frustrated and stress filled tone.” 

I am not to communicate to anyone that my homemaker duties are a burden or inconvenience, let alone communicate that to Mike.  If indeed I am feeling overwhelmed by these duties or anything, I can speak to Mike about it at a Maintenance Session.   

SPANK! And, as is becoming the norm, anything related to words I say also come with a mouth soaping. 

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. / Public Spanking!
Mike and I were talking to a sales rep at a store when my cell phone rang.  Mike was mid-sentence, explaining something that he wanted my feedback on and as a reflex, I answered the phone without any thought.  As soon as I said, “Hello,” I realized I messed up.  I promptly said I would call them back and hung up.  I said, “Sorry, Sir, I shouldn’t have answered, you were saying?”

I figured I was in for a spanking when we got home, but Mike had other ideas.  He finished what he was saying, and the conversation continued for a bit, but he clearly looked annoyed.  He then told the sales associate that we needed to “attend to something” and would be right back.

SPANK!   But, in this case, I’ll share the details, because it was atypical.  I’ve only been spanked a few times in public.  Not that anyone saw, but, well, read on . . . 

He clasped his hand across my wrist and clearly “led” me as he briskly and with purpose walked me out.  I was very aware that anyone paying attention could clearly see something was wrong, like a mad parent dragging their unruly child out of the store.  Only difference was that Mike’s look was determined, but not mad.  And other than pursing my lips and looking guilty, there wasn’t anything unruly about me.  While I sense no one paid attention to us at all, I still felt like I was being paraded through the store on a walk of shame.  Even though I knew I was in for some sort of punishment, there was a part of me that found this exhilarating.

It was a fairly crowded parking lot.  I remained silent as he led me to the car and told me to get in the back.  He backed out of the spot and drove to a new spot in a more isolated part of the parking lot.  There were still plenty of cars around us, but clearly a quieter part of the parking lot. 

He opened the back door and told me to lay down on the back seats, stomach down.  He then reached into the car, pulled up my skirt, and pulled down and completely removed my panties. He then closed the back door and he entered the car in the front.  He grabbed his “car stick,” from under the seat,  reached over from the front seat to the back of the car, and struck my bottom about 15 times with a medium force, akin to some warm up swats.

The “car stick” is a non-descript  piece of wood that wouldn’t necessarily be construed as a paddle that Mike keeps in the car just for situations like this.  Since it is just a piece of wood it gives us plausible deniability if someone asks what it is. “Oh, that piece of wood, how did that get left in there,” is our scripted response if asked by kids or anyone else. 

After the initial set of spankings, he lectured me on how disrespectful I was.  He then spanked me very hard several times.  He stopped for moment, looked around, and seeing everything was clear, spanked me hard several more times.   My eyes were watery and my nose got a bit runny, but it wasn’t an actual cry.  Sort of cry-ish.  He then told me to pull down my skirt and leave my panties off.

As he led me back to the store he told me I must apologize to the sales associate.  Oh – I didn’t mention – the sales associate was a young woman, maybe 20-ish.  She looked younger than Kayla.  While I got a bit of a thrill demonstrating my submissiveness by apologizing to Mike and calling him “Sir” in front of  her, the thought of apologizing to her freaked me out a little.

We went into the store and found the sales associate we were working with.  I felt like my eyes had dried but I wasn’t sure.  I was thankful for my conservative skirt.  I have exhibition fantasies but this wasn’t the place for a pussy-slip or to show my ass.  I wasn’t sure what Mike was expecting me to say to the associate.  When she came up to us I  told her, “Ma’am, I am sorry for the interruption I caused when my husband was speaking.  He would like to continue the conversation now.”

She paused for a few seconds, as if she was trying to process what they heck I was doing.  She snapped out of the mini-trance and said slowly, with small gaps between each word, “Oh, that’s quite alright, no need to apologize.”  And she looked to Mike and said in the same, gap-filled manner, “So, you were saying…?” 

I would love to go back to the store and ask her what her perceptions are regarding what happened.  I guess I’ll never know.

When we left the store Mike told me my discipline was not over.  He told me to go to my room when we got home as he would spank me one more time, administer a mouth soaping, and give me time in the corner to reflect with my triple clamps (nipples and clit) tightly fastened.

I have received an awful lot of soapings lately.  And yes, they all come with the “special rinse.”  I get that a soaping is very symbolic when the disobedience has something to do with what I say or don’t say, but I am beginning to dread them.  It seems like even up to a  day or two later I will occasionally get this phantom soap taste in my mouth.

I am taking these slip ups well.  I previously wrote that the thought of messing up was really disconcerting to me. I so much want to serve Mike in the ways in which I have agreed to serve him.   But the successes so far outweigh the failures that I’ve been okay with the handful of errors.  I don’t like them.  I’d prefer not to have them, but perfection is not realistic.  I am loving our new agreement and being so attuned to following and serving Mike.

Oh, and my weight loss is up to 4.5 pounds in three weeks.  Almost half a pound ahead of schedule.  Just 13.5 to go over 10 weeks.  I am stepping up the exercise but will need to do more as Thanksgiving is right around the corner!

NEXT:  194. Primal Scream!!