134. Vulnerable to you / 1yr blogiversary

Mike reads my blog from time to time, plus I’ve talked to him about the fact my greatest joy in blogging is ruminating on my thoughts and happenings in life.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts, feelings, motivations, and interpretations of something a lot more than I enjoy sharing the specifics of that something.  Mike commented that he thinks this was a “vulnerability thing.”   Okay, so Mike is not one to ponder philosophically.  He tends to just to succinctly sum things up in a few, but accurate, words.

I had to delve into what all he meant by this but when i asked him he simply said, “It isn’t important what it means to me, it’s whether it means anything to you.  You think about it and tell me what you think it might mean. ”   His retort floored me.  This was very un-Mike like.  It had this sensei flair to it, this enigmatic statement that I had to unravel and find my own meaning.  But, I appreciated the response as I took it as a self-reflection challenge, and I like to be self-reflective and I like a good challenge.

I’ve made several posts on this subject of vulnerability:  Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble,  Post 68 reblog: To Fall in Love…, and Post 129. Vulnerability. Plus…

So here’s my thoughts on Mike’s comment.  The pre-DD Jenny thrived on control, was measured in what she did and said, and only portrayed to others a limited version of herself to avoid potential negative critique.   I am proud to have shed most of those pre-DD habits, but, parts of that still linger.

I am fully vulnerable to Mike, and while the type of vulnerability we give to our partner is not the type you would give to everyone, there is an element of vulnerability that you should be willing to give to those around you.  It is about being authentic.  By being authentic, you might rub some people the wrong way, but so what?  The flip side is by being authentic, your relationships become founded on authenticity.  You connect to people as you really are, and hopefully as they really all.  The result is a deeper and more meaningful and fulfilling connection.  It is much better to have fewer, authentic and meaningful relationships with friends and family, then to have many superficial ones based on less than your true self.

I’ve shared before that vulnerability has been like a drug to me.  I love it, I crave it, and I’ve slowly become more vulnerable to those around me.   There is Mike of course, who my vulnerability has no limits.  Then there was John and Donna, and then Kayla.  They get the full and unedited version of Jenny.   I believe it is my comfort and confidence in being vulnerable that led me to tell my sisters about my DD lifestyle.  (Post 116. Revealing DD to my sisters).   It is also what led me to tell a group of my girlfriends about Mike and I “swinging.”  (Post 132. Good Grove / Bad Move).   And it has led to my overall sense of comfort and confidence in my choices.

I am vulnerable when it comes to my blog, but I definitely can be more so.  THAT was Mike’s point with his comment.  I know the ultimate in vulnerability would be to post more identifiable personal details complete with pictures.  But frankly, that would be opening myself up to be revealed to any and all people.   Maybe some day, but for now I am not ready for that, nor is Mike.  Short of that, I could be more forthcoming with things I do or the things that happen to me that currently I may omit, or infer or lightly touch on but not in much detail.

A good example is our soaping punishment routine, although I’ve only received two.   Part of this routine is rinsing not with water, but with pee.  I have not blatantly stated that detail because of concern of what you may think of me.  I know it is silly to be worried about what readers think after sharing so much, but, I found it difficult to share that particular detail.  Well, it’s shared now!

Mike is correct, it is a “vulnerability thing.”  Each time I have shared a punishment with you I mention I am not one for sharing those details.  Part of me worries about what people will think – think about me, think about Mike.  I would rather write about the positive impact it had, versus share the specifics and leave it to you to conclude what the impact was.    So, that’s my response to Mike regarding what I think he meant by it being a “vulnerability thing.”   I shouldn’t be so resistant to being vulnerable to you.

This doesn’t mean I am suddenly over it.  But, I will try hard to focus on being even more transparent on my blog, especially when it comes to punishments.  This isn’t something I have to do.   Mike doesn’t require it of me, and I don’t specifically require it of myself. However, I do believe it helps in strengthening and maintaining a submissive mindset. It is more about being more disciplined in my vulnerability and not allowing old habits in.  And that IS something I want.

ONE YEAR OLD BLOG
Switching gears  – my blog just turned one year old a few days ago.  Thank you to everyone who reads, likes, and comments.  I am close to 100,000 views and about 18,000 visitors.  I like it that I get 5 to 6 views per visitor each month as it means to me that people are intrigued enough to read multiple posts.   Writing this continues to be very fulfilling, and now, perhaps more so as I strive to be even more vulnerable in my future posts.   And I took notice that by far the most visited post is Post 25. Intense Spanking Part II, about twice as many as the next visited post (Post 12. Our DD Contract).   You kinksters seem to like to read about punishments!

I’ll take that under advisement.  Ultimately I blog for me, but I like it when others like it, and I also like the vulnerability of it.  I just have to remind myself that sharing details of a punishment is an act of vulnerability, thus an act of submission.  That should be plenty of motivation for me to enjoy doing so.  But even with that motivation, my greatest pleasure in blogging is still from waxing philosophically about being a submissive wife and living the wife-swapping polyamourous Domestic Discipline lifestyle that I live.

NEXT: 135. Kayla and me.

 

133. Intense Punishment

Laying in bed the other day, sore nipples and butt, with a lingering soapy taste in my mouth, I had the “WAID” thought.  The thought of “What Am I Doing?”   I’ve had this thought a few times.   I believe occasional doubt is healthy.  Doubt is simply a lack of knowledge.   Often this is momentary, and the knowledge can be found in a short conversation with yourself.  Other times it may take a bit more than a moment of reflection, but for me, any doubts about DD have always been self affirming regarding my choice to live this lifestyle.   My doubts have always led to a deeper appreciation for what DD has done for me and my family.   WAID never lasts more than a few minutes, and it was no different this time.

The punishments I was reflecting on were from that day and the day before.  Part of my “Rewards” for what my actions that I shared in the prior post.

I’ve shared a couple of the more severe punishments I’ve received, and there haven’t been many.  Although I didn’t use my safe word, this punishment topped any I had before, even the one I shared in 24. Intense Spanking , although I didn’t er had to use a safe word this time.  As our son J is home, the punishments were done throughout the day while he was at school or in the evening after he was asleep.

As I think about it, this one wasn’t the worst in terms of pain.  It was the worst in terms of overall discomfort.  In some ways, lingering discomfort or anticipation of what is to come is worst than a moment of acute pain.

I am not that good at sharing punishment stories.  It isn’t my “thing.”  I’d much rather be waxing philosophical about events in my life than sharing the specific details.   (you can find my favorite “waxing philosophical” posts in my Shortcuts).   Mike says it is because just stating what happens in my life is a very vulnerable thing to do, as it leaves more to interpretation of the reader, and those interpretations may be unfavorable.  A very interesting comment that I want to explore further, but I’ll wait to ponder that one for another post.  So with that ,here’s the punishment I received.

Mike started me off with a mouth soaping, figuring it was appropriate for me opening my mouth and sharing what I shared with my friends.  For a soaping, I open my mouth and stick out my tongue.  Mike rubs an already wet and lathered bar of soap all over my tongue.  I then open wide and he rubs it all around the roof of my mouth, cheeks, and scrapes it across my teeth.  He then has me bite down on the bar to hold it in place in my mouth.

He then used a lot of our new implements from our recent Joy Box additions.   With soap in my mouth, he used our new cupping system on my breasts.  He applied some oil to my breasts, attached some small nipple clamps to my nipples, then applied the cups.  They provide a lot of suction on the breasts.  In the short run you don’t really feel much, but it gets increasingly uncomfortable overtime.  More blood rushes to the breast and they get a pinkish-purple like hue.  He then had me stand in the corner with my hands clasped behind my head.  I was then spanked as I stood there, first by hand, then with various paddles and straps.  Mike inserted a butt plug in me and left me in the corner for an hour.  By far the worst part was holding the soap in my mouth and standing in one place.  By the end of the hour I was a drooling mess and my jaw was sore.

He then walked me to the shower and using the hand nozzle he sprayed me down with cold water to clear the suds and drool from my face, chest, stomach, and legs.   He pulled the cups off my breasts and replaced the small nipple clamps with another pair that are far more intense and he adjusted them to be extremely tight.  He had me lay down on my stomach on the bathroom floor and got out the new cleansing system he ordered.  This was my first enema.

I anticipated it would be uncomfortable, but I didn’t anticipate the degree of the pressure and cramping.  Mike made me hold it in for five minutes, but it felt like much more.  He spanked me a few more times and then allowed me to get on the pot and get it out.   After I was done, he repeated the enema and spanking.  Then he did a third enema and had me hold it in for even longer before expelling.  He then finally removed the nipple clamps, but the respite for my nipples was short.

Mike got our nipple suckers, applied them to my nipples and pumped, and pumped some more.  He pumped more than I thought they could even be pumped.  I’ve never seen my nipples get so big.  He returned to me to the corner where I stood again with hands clasped behind my head.  Mike told me I was not to leave the corner for any reason else more punishment.  Well, I soon learned that the effects of an enema can last awhile and it wasn’t long before I just had to use the toilet.  I was clenching and holding as long as I could, and just about the time I was ready to give in and leave the corner (I wasn’t about to make a mess of things. I’ll take the added punishment), Mike entered the room.   I didn’t say anything as I am not to speak unless spoken to, but luckily Mike asked me how I was doing.  I told him I needed to go and thankfully he let me.

When I was done he removed the suckers and ran the pinwheel hard over my very large nipples for what seemed like a long time, but probably wasn’t. He then went back to the put the cups and applied them to my breasts.   Mike decided to break in another new toy, the anal beads.  I’ve never used anal beads before.  It is one of those progressive sets, and he put all but the last one inside me.  Thankfully even the largest one isn’t crazy big.  Big enough for sure and I was glad he didn’t insert that one, but this set of beads is what I would call an intermediate set.  Whatever you call it, it still call it uncomfortable to have them in for an extended time.  He then had me stand in the corner again and he left, returning in about 45 minutes.

He removed the cups and again added the suckers.  He ordered me on all fours and he played awhile with the beads, pulling them out, inserting them, pulling out, inserting. He took my hand and helped me to my feet and walked me over to a chair.  He sat down, put me over his knee, and spanked me by hand for what seemed like forever – had to be over 100 of various intensities.

He then did another enema and this time when he took the tube out, I was surprised as I immediately felt a butt plug being inserted.  Mike grabbed the bar of soap and administered another mouth soaping.  I was then walked over to the shower.  He told me to stand in the shower with my hands clasped behind my head, bar of soap in my mouth, with a rectum full of warm water.  Mike told me not to leave the tub and he would be back “at some point.”   He came in a few times to check on me and each time he didn’t say a word and then left.  At some point I just couldn’t hold it any longer.  I pushed the plug and water out.  At least after several enemas it was basically just water.

Once I expelled the water, my mind became more aware of my painful nipples. They were burning.   I was so uncomfortable that I started to cry.   Not from any specific pain, but just because I felt miserable, both emotionally and physically.   Expelled water from my ass, terrible soap in my mouth and soapy drool all down my body, nipples on fire, a sore bottom from the spankings, a bit crampy from the enemas, and a sore sphincter from all the clenching.

Mike returned and said, “I’ll be right back.”  He left and returned very shortly with Kayla.  He told Kayla to remove the suckers, clean me up, and dry me off.   He watched as she showered and then dried me off.  “Almost done,” he said.

With Kayla there, he had me state what I did to earn this “reward.”  He then gave a lecture.  He does this sometimes, usually near the end of a punishment.  It’s his way of recapping the events that brought on the punishment, making sure they remained top of mind.  He then told Kayla to get the prison strap and the cane.  He walked me over to the bed and  had me lay down on my stomach.   He then took the strap from Kayla and struck me, then handed it back to Kayla and took the cane and struck me, and then alternated back and forth for I think just five strikes with each item.  It wasn’t many, but they were very hard and were more than enough.  I cried, which again is uncommon for me, but it happens.

We then had our “closing ceremony” complete with aftercare, with one caveat.  Mike said we would repeat our entire morning again tomorrow PLUS that night and the next I would spend thirty minutes in the corner with the clamps on, followed by a spanking before bedtime.  Only then would the punishment be fully over.  As bad as the punishment itself was, the anticipation of knowing it would be repeated was just as bad.  Anticipation of a punishment, especially one this long and intense, is a punishment itself.

And when it was all finally over, it was truly over.  What I did was fully behind us, like always.  No lingering resentments.  All is forgiven.  Oh, and Mike added, “You know, if you just would have asked me beforehand, I am pretty sure I would have been fine with you telling your friends whatever you felt comfortable sharing with them.”

NEXT:  Post 134. Vulnerable to my readers / 1yr blogiversary 

132. Good Groove/ Bad Move – Spanked!

Three weeks since posting and IMHO I have a good reason.  Simply put, nothing much was going on.   It was three weeks of a routine Domestic Discipline household.  I have been very good with my Duties and Obligations and, while I don’t keep track of this, I believe I’ve gone my longest time without a punishments.   In the past, if ten or so days went by with no spanking, I would end up asking for one (Maintenance spankings help, but aren’t enough).   I shared such “mercy” spankings before such as in Post 126 and Post 42.

GOOD GROOVE!
This time was different.  Fulfilling my duties and obligations was fully satisfying and I did not feel a yearning for a spanking.   I can’t fully explain why that is.  If I could put my finger on it I’d certainly try and bottle it for future use.  I think it is just how life works sometimes.  You just get in a positive grove that feeds on itself.  Just like there are times you might get in a negative rut that feeds on itself.

At the same time I’ve been in this groove, Kayla has completely settled into her submissive/slave routine.  She seems to have found the level of submission she has been seeking (and it’s much deeper than mine).  She too hasn’t been yearning for more and more.  I credit Mike for a lot of this as he has been extremely responsive to Kayla’s needs.  I know for some this sounds like a violation of the M/s principles, but to each his (or her) own.  I believe for submission to work it has to start with the submissive.  The submissive must achieve a level of submission that delivers them emotional prosperity.   That prosperity is facilitated by the Dom, but can’t be dictated by the Dom.   Of course, I don’t mean to state this in absolutes.  I am sure there are different dynamics that work fine for other D/s, or M/s  relationships.   But for me personally, it is an absolute.  

So while I have gone some time without a spanking, Kayla can’t say the same — but she is very happy with that.  She has many more Duties and Obligations and is precisely held to them.  Even her Duties and Obligations include acts that to me, are punishments.   With Kayla in her own “positive groove” and with me in mine, well, there just hasn’t been much to share you with.   Until now!

BAD MOVE!
I was having lunch with some girlfriends of mine – 5 to be exact.  An old high school friend and her sister, a former co-worker and one of her close friends (so a friend of a friend), and a friend I met years ago through someone else.  These are all non-kink girlfriends,  as in, platonic, “normal” friendships with other women.   We probably get together four or five times a year. Beyond that, it is Facebook, Twitter, and texting.  

We got together recently and the topic of sex came up.  Now I said these were “normal” friends, and I don’t know about you, but us girls talk about sex.  Not overly graphic, mostly innuendo, humorous type references, but sex none-the-less.  One of them has a husband who just turned 50 and someone asked her, “So, what’s it like sleeping with a 50 year old?”   That turned the conversation to sex.  I made some comment and someone jokingly said, “What would you know, Mike’s not 50.”   My snarky come back was, “Well, who said I was talking about Mike?”  

I knew the moment the words came out of my mouth that I had done a “no-no.”   There was a fleeting moment where I thought I should just laugh and tell them I was kidding and that would be that.  So in that fleeting moment what did I say?.  “Oh wait, no, he is under 50 also.” 

I don’t  know what compelled me to say such things.  I believe, in part, it is the fact that I am not ashamed of my lifestyle and in fact, am grateful for it.  Another part is that I was riding a wave of contentment – that “positive groove” I mentioned earlier.  Whatever the motivation, I said it, and there it was.  I just told them I slept with someone other than Mike.

This, of course, led to questions.  Again, instead of ending it all as simply a silly joke, I answered them honestly.  I did show some discretion.  I didn’t give names, but ultimately shared that Mike and I have swapped and had foursomes and continue to do so.  What I shared with them basically dealt with our relationship with John and Donna, but I never named them.  I didn’t reference anything about our relationship with Kayla, domestic discipline, or submission.   

Their reactions were pretty cool.  They were inquisitive, jovial, and even supportive. If they were judgmental, shocked, or even disgusted, they hid it well.   Anyway, this isn’t about their reaction.  It is about Mike’s. 

Of course I told Mike that I told them.  He got upset.  We agreed that any decisions to share anything about TTWD would be made mutually – it is even stated in my DD contract.  Mike knew that I am fully aware of this as it is not some vague item in the contract that we’ve forgotten about.  We’ve talked about this issue before, such as when I wanted to tell Kayla or tell my sisters about TTWD.   Mike felt I boldly and blatantly chose to ignore my Duties and Obligations under the contract.  Moreover, even if the contract didn’t exist it was very discourteous of me to share this with anyone without discussing it with him.  

Mike said that this was more than just me not doing some act of service that I agree be responsible for.  It was more than disobeying or disrespecting him.  In his mind it was a total disregard of his privacy.  For that, I would be punished.  

I knew I shouldn’t have told them and I knew there would be a punishment in the offing. I wasn’t prepared for how significant a punishment it was going to be.   After the punishment I shared in Post 131, it seems like perhaps when I fail, I fail big!    This was another big one.  The fact I didn’t anticipate it also made it a bigger deal.  

The punishment is over, but suffice to say my nipples are raw, my ass is sore (inside and out), and I still have a lingering bad taste in my mouth.  I’ll share the details on my next post.  SPOILER ALERT.   As always, it has a happy ending!  And I don’t mean that in the cliche euphemism of “happy ending.”   Although I guess in some ways it was happy in that way too. Hee hee.  Oh, the life of a submissive!

NEXT: 133. Intense Punishment

 

131. An Argument

Mike and I had our biggest disagreement since adopting Domestic Discipline over two years ago.  Granted, I wrote before about an argument (Post 44. Argument Part I and Post 45. Argument Part II).   But that was nothing compared to this.  On the one I posted about in 44 and 45, I was clearly in the wrong.  This one didn’t have a right or wrong.  Just two points of view that were equal on their merits, but only one could prevail.  

The issues are unimportant but I will say it had to do with our kids, namely our youngest J, and a disagreement over handling a particular situation.  I am not going to share the details because it really doesn’t matter.  It isn’t about someone being wrong or right, or who said or did what to whom.  Suffice to say we didn’t see eye to eye on something of which we both have strong feelings and perspectives – and those feelings and perspectives were not compatible.  Thus, an argument. 

There is nothing about our DD lifestyle that says I must agree with Mike or that says I don’t have a voice.  I routinely voice my thoughts and opinions but allow Mike to be the final arbiter.  I have never felt discounted or felt that my views were devalued, even though clearly I don’t always “get my way.”  That is no different from life before DD. 

The difference is that before DD, discontent would typically fester, pop, then linger.  With DD there is no opportunity for an issue to fester as we communicate openly, honestly, and timely.  Instead of “popping” in a heated argument, there is a “respectful disputation” that has a clear ending.  Yes, that ending is typically with Mike deciding on things, but I agreed to that,  and frankly, I like that.  At least in concept, because there are times where it is very difficult.  Basically, the more important and passionate I am about the issue, the harder it is to accept Mike’s “verdict” if it is not to my liking. 

Thus far there have been few issues that have come up and almost all are been very minor.  Mike has been very good at considering my needs.  While I don’t look at in terms of “wins” or “losses,” it makes it easy to convey if I sum it up as simply, “win some, lose some.”  Again, no different from pre-DD, except again, the process is much more respectful, quick, loving, and finite — no lingering resentments.   And of course, one other major difference is that ultimately, Mike rules!

I could not accept Mike’s decision on this particular issue.  We actually talked about it on several occasions over a few days before he came to a decision.  He was done talking about it but I was not.  I did not agree with his decision.  At first he graciously and respectfully said, “Okay, I see that this upsets you, so let’s talk so more.”  Sort of like, “I know I made my decision, but I am open to reconsidering.”  But after about the third time of doing this he grew impatient and drew the “Dom card.”  Basically he decreed the discussion over and the decision final.  I still could not accept it.  I’ll get back to that in moment.  

During the discussions (okay, fine, During the Argument!)
I earned a few punishments prior to him pulling the “Dom card.”  In each case Mike was clear that the punishment was not because we were in disagreement, but because of my attitude or disrespect in my attempts to communicate my feelings.  I accepted those spankings without hesitation.  I agreed to be respectful at all times and I wasn’t, so it was no different from any other transgression.   It also helped me stay calm when I talked to him, or, I would wait until I calmly collected my thoughts before bringing it up again.   So again, I thank our DD for helping in this way.     

As the issues and discussions spanned the course of several days, the mood in the house was a bit odd and awkward.  Not only was this our first big “fight” since adopting DD, we also have Kayla in our household.   Let’s just say that during those days I was not feeling particularly close to Mike, nor he to me, and Kayla was sort of stuck in the middle.  I didn’t particularly feel sexy nor sexually aroused towards Mike nor did he feel that way towards me.  In those days I did have sex with Kayla, and Kayla with Mike, but Mike and I did not have sex.   I know Kayla was a bit uncomfortable by it all, but she was wise to stay out the fray and Mike and I retained enough of our senses to not try to drag her in.  She did not give her opinion, nor was she asked. 

AFTER THE DOM CARD
When Mike pulled his “Dom card” and issued is final “decree,” he knew I was still unhappy about it.  Despite my efforts, I couldn’t “fake” it  and was clearly not my normal self.  At one point Mike finally said, “Are you happy being a submissive?”     Of course I answered yes (make that, “Yes, Sir!”   

“Do you want to remain submissive or stop?”   “Yes sir, I want to remain like this.  I do not want to stop.”

He went on to ask me why I didn’t want to stop, and my replies were full of all the things I’ve written about here regarding what I get from DD.  I know the point he was trying to make is that if I get all these wonderful things from DD, I need to accept that he has final say and that is that.  He heard me out, he even softened his position a bit, and he made his final decision.  If I couldn’t accept it, he was basically saying I can not accept DD and our D/s relationship.  This was similiar to the approach he took the first time we had an argument after adopting DD.  (Post 45 Argument – Part 2).

I still wasn’t ready to give in.  I wanted it both ways.  I want to be submissive, I want to serve Mike, and I want my way on this one.  Mike then turned my disagreement with him into a punishable offense.   He said he was done discussing it, had already made certain concessions and it was clear we would never fully see eye to eye on the appropriate solution, so either I accept he has final say or I don’t, and we are done with DD.  Since I made it clear I did not want to end our DD, nor want to accept his decision as final, I was punished. 

THE PUNISHMENT
The punishment was not an immediate event.  It was several days of basically a Master/slave immersion. More like a “mini” immersion because J was home with us, but while he was at school or asleep, it was very much Master/slave mode.  Mike said that perhaps having to go a few days of deeply submitting beyond our normal routine would help “get back into my submissive mindset.” 

It may be strange to say this, but I loved this.  I still hated the decision, and I didn’t particular enjoy parts of the “deep submission,” but I enjoyed the idea of it.  I have written before that I love it anytime Mike ad-libs things in showing his Dominance.  This situation was not explicitly addressed in our Contract so he had to use his discretion in determining how to respond to my actions.  He did so in an admirably Dominant way and I happy that he did so. 

Since I haven’t shared a spanking story in a while, I’ll share one particular punishment I got during this mini-immersion period.  The immersion was filled with spankings, some severe, nip and clit clips, tack bra, ball gag, mouth soaping (and the dreaded rinse), writing lines, and the like.  It also had its share of sexual submission as well.  At any time Mike would stop me and have me perform a sexual act on him or on Kayla.   There were standing orders that anytime he motioned a certain way I was to drop on all fours in front of him, take out his cock and perform oral sex, while Kayla fetched a paddle.  She would then paddle me while I went to town on Mike and continued spanking me until Mike finished. 

When Mike announced the mini-immersion was over, the entire issue was truly over.  I accepted his decision on the issue that started all of this.  I was definitely back in my submissive mindset.   In reflecting on it I also could say that while I still wish he would have decided otherwise, I can fully accept his decision.  While it isn’t what I would have decided, it was still reasonable, loving, and effective – just like the mini-immersion.  Score one for the Dom, and score another for DD.

NEXT:  Post 132.  Good Grove / Bad Move.