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220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline


Continued from prior post
I ask myself a simple question, Can submission lead me to healing?”

I remember pre-DD Jenny.  The control freak who would rail against things she didn’t like.  It got her nowhere good, except the illusion of control.  It compromised her marriage and her family, making it less than it could be and should be.

It’s too early for me to forget my anger.  No, it won’t be forgotten that easily.  But, I can put it aside momentarily.   Just drop it over there so I can assess some things before picking it back up.

So, getting back to Mike’s decision. . . oops, what’s that in my arms again?  Oh, anger!  I thought I put you down.  Let me try again.

So, I know they are having a blast right now and here I sit. . . oops, dang it.  Anger, I thought I put you down.  Let me try again. 

So, why is it that I can’t make time for friends, family, and internet friends… Damn it!! Anger, I told you to stay over there.  Let me try again.  

So, I work hard, I do so much for Mike, he is treated like a king, and, oh crap, Anger, I told you to go away.   Let me try again.

Okay, it’s not going to work to think about what I did or whether the discipline was appropriate.  What does that matter anyway?   I did what I did, Mike did what he did, and I am abiding by it.   

I got to find my happy place.  Just for a little while.  The anger will be there later for me to pick it up.   Happy place?  Hum.  I got it.  Instead of focusing on the circumstances that have me angry, I’ll focus on the circumstances that led to my embracing Domestic Discipline, because, after all, it is DD’s fault that I am not at the party. 

{ Cue musical interlude }
{ Cue reflective montage }  Pre-DD scenes of unresolved conflict segue to my search for answers, finding DD, and growing in submission and in oneness with Mike.  Now reading back on my journal, re-reading old blog posts, checking out some websites.

Okay, it wasn’t an actual eternity, but I am back with a realization.  A very important truth about discipline.  At least, it is a truth to me.

Discipline is the ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

For adults, it is often assumed we derive this 100% from ourselves.   That is, it is all about Self-Discipline (SD).

But self-discipline doesn’t mean we do it all by ourSELF.  We all have rules we must abide by.  Actual laws of course, but also generally accepted rules of behavior, whether at work or interacting with society.  Many also turn to religion, or counseling, or family, or friends, self-help books, or many other resources to help strengthen their self-discipline.  (Note these resources can be, but aren’t always, as loving, fulfilling, customized, or loyal to your interests as you would hope). 

For me, I found that when my SD fails me, I can “borrow” discipline from my partner.  And for me, that discipline, more so than SD,  provides me a greater ability to control my feelings, overcome my weaknesses, pursue what I think is right, and stare temptation down.  If only there were a name for this “borrowed” discipline!   Oh wait, I got one!  I’ll call it Domestic Discipline.

This is the essence of why DD and submission is so fulfilling to me.  It completes my self-discipline.

With discipline, it is easy to misinterpret the ACT and ignore the RESULTS. 

The act of discipline is NOT punishment. 
It’s easy to think of the specific penalties as being the discipline.  Spanking, chastisement, being shunned.  Those are ways it is delivered, but what is the “it” that the disciplinarian is delivering?  

The “it” is caring. Caring for oneself when it is SD, and caring for another when it is consensual and part of DD.  Both SD and DD use structure to create accountability.  And the accountability is to the goals and ambitions of the person receiving the discipline.  It is about giving absolution and forgiveness.  

The result of discipline is NOT pain.  The result is enhanced communication, deepen intimacy and reinforced personal commitments.  Yes, SD is about better communicating with ourselves – being in touch with ourselves and our personal goals — being intimate with ourselves.   DD does exactly the same thing, but adds in a relationship component — better communication in your relationship, being in touch with our partners and our relationship goals, and increased intimacy with each other.

I remind myself that Mike has been an amazing partner in our DD journey (and as equally as amazing pre-DD for putting up with me!).  He has shown he is the perfect Dom, as he is perfect for me!  He has done amazing things for Kayla as well.  His compassion allows him to treat each of us the way we want and need, even though those wants and needs are different.  Time and time again he has earned my trust and confidence as a partner in my discipline.

Being submissive is about obedience, respect, honesty, loyalty, and trust.  Honesty includes sharing your feelings, even when you aren’t feeling particularly obedient or respectful.   In the process of sharing my feelings I did “okay” regarding maintaining obedience and respect (I did overstep a bit, and was spanked for it), but frankly, given the fire of anger I was feeling, I am very proud of only overstepping a little.  While it may not have sounded like it, between the moments of showing disrespect, I was extremely respectful.  Once again, progress, not perfection 

Mike has been excellent at valuing my opinion and desires.  He does that MORE since DD than ever before.  Here’s an interesting observation –– With DD, my opinion and desires are completely optional to him.  Yet, he values them MORE then he did when they were freely given to him, unsolicited.  Things that make you go “hmmm?!?!”.

Mike is worthy of my allegiance to his decisions, including those involving my discipline.  Why would I tear him down and be disloyal by continuing to sulk about this?  I know he put a lot of thought into his decision.   Imagine trying to figure out the most appropriate discipline to an issue that strikes at the core of what I want addressed about myself.  Now imagine knowing that instead of getting my submission (loyalty, respect, trust), he sees that I think he failed and made a bad decision.  Every time my SD has failed, his DD has been there showing that he loves me and desires to do his best for me.
He’s earned my submission, even on this issue especially on this issue.  

Submission is not easy.  Instead of focusing on what I want (attending the party), the center of my focus needs to be on Mike.  My attitude towards him needs to be one of faith in him, not doubt.  I can begin to heal my anger through submission.

So maybe I am like 80% there.  I still don’t feel at ease with what I am feeling.  So I am looking beyond just being submissive and trying to look at some basic facts from Mike’s perspective.

What are Mike’s motivations for keeping me from the party?   He wants me at the party, I know it!  He enjoys having me there.  But what he wants for me regarding my ongoing behavior is greater than what he wants for himself tonight for one night of fun.  The fact that I place so much importance on this party is exactly the motivation for him to keep me from it.  My behavior warranted it.  Mike’s motivations are rooted in his responsibilities as Dom – responsibilities that I have empowered him with to help me have the discipline to be the person I strive to be for him and my family.

And what of my motivations to be angry?  Well, it’s basically “Because that’s what I want and I can’t have it.”  ‘Nuff said.

I haven’t thought of it before in these terms, but what submission boils down to, is this — Can you leave the outcome in the hands of your Dom?   I can.

No doubt I am accepting his decision in so far as I am not at the party right now.   While Mike knows I am unhappy, I didn’t throw a major fit (perhaps a tiny one?), and for the most part remained reticent about my frustration and disappointment.   So I ask myself what is in it for me if I remain in opposition to his decision?

There is the risk of more disciplinary actions if I remain sullen and cross.  But that is just a risk to my butt or my privileges.  What is the risk for my heart?   It doesn’t feel good to feel angry.   At least, not long term.  Honestly, having a pity-party does feel a little good.  It is very self-serving…. downright selfish.  But any satisfaction from “woe is me” is very short-lived and soon turns to dissatisfaction.

I look at what I did and I agree that a significant consequence was in order.  I appreciate that Mike feels this way too.  To reap the benefits of discipline, one must subject themselves to the consequences of their actions.

When I next speak to Mike, it will be to reassert my commitment to him, that I will follow his lead.  I will ask him for guidance or suggestions on making sure I have reconciled my anger.  While I feel much better now, I know from my past that sometimes I think I squashed a particular negative feeling, only to find it unexpectedly rearing its head. 

You know, I went to pick up that anger I put aside and it was a lot harder to see than when I first put it down.     

P.S.  I spent some time searching online for help in addressing my anger.  I found a great resource at http://consensualdominance.net.   Lot’s of great practical advice.  While it didn’t address my anger specifically, it served as a great reminder regarding submission.  I found the post on Submissive Resistance very interesting.

NEXT: 221. Restriction Pleasure?

206. Embrace the Stillness


If you are a frequent reader of my posts, you know I am nothing if not verbose.  Here’s an attempt at being short and to the point.

I do need a quick disclaimer.  I know I read something like this at some point, but the author escapes me.  I remember reading something about connecting to stillness.  I remembered liking it, but not relating to it.  Well, I finally connected to it this morning.  Thus, this may sound similar to what I read, but is my own take on it.   

This morning we were sitting at the table finishing breakfast.  Mike was drinking his coffee, looking through his phone.  He was slow and thoughtful.  He was deep in the stillness of the moment.  Me?  Not even close.  My mind raced with all the lists of must-do’s, should-do’s, and could-do’s that awaited.  I felt the need to get up, clean up, and move.   But, it was obvious that Mike wanted to sit and slowly start his day. 

I tell myself I am ready to be present, peaceful, and slow down.  The challenge of taking the quality of presence into moments like this is exactly where I want to grow in my submission.   It means more than being there for Mike in a “doing” sort of way.  In this moment, it meant being there in mind, body, and spirit in quiet observation – connected to my Dominant in the stillness.

NEXT: Post 207. More about Me (than I knew)

205. In Praise of my Dominant


My selected image evoked thoughts of a gentle man, (not just a gentleman), self-assured, confident, nothing to prove.  In other words, the perfect Dominant. 

I ended my last post with this thought – Does Mike ever need a break or help with getting back into a Dominant headspace? 

It made me realize I haven’t expressed enough about how fortunate I am that Mike has taken his Dom role willingly and seriously.  I think at times I take him for granted and just assume since I want to be submissive, of course Mike will be Dominant.

I’ve written before that it is so important for a submissive to give thanks to their Dom. (Post 158. Tips & my Golden Rule of DD).  I don’t think I’ve done enough of that.  This post is dedicated to him and how grateful I am to have him as my husband as well as have him as a Dom and all the roles that come with that.

If you want to read a bit about Mike’s perspectives on our journey, visit Post 74. Interview with Sir.  I had thought about another Q&A but his answers haven’t changed and I couldn’t think of other interesting questions – open to suggestions if you have any.

Here are some of the things for which I am thankful for Mike:

Mike has always been a great listener.  On paper, I should be one as well.  I do have a counseling background after all.  But I basically “played” a good listener for work.  In reality, Mike was the one who mastered listening as a way of life.  I believe that is why he has made such a great Dominant.

I think most people assume that as a Dom he simply imposes his will.  In fact, since adopting DD he is MORE likely to ask for and incorporate my feedback in his decisions.  This is because he knows he has final authority and he takes that power seriously and responsibly.  I believe when you accept the full responsibility of making decisions, you also are accepting full responsibility in the outcome.  Therefore, you want to make the best decisions possible.  To do that, it helps to have input from others, namely your spouse.

Frankly, in this context of “Listener” I don’t like the term Dominant as it is misleading.  It is more about him being a great Head of Household (HOH).  An HOH is more than just a disciplinarian.  They are the “Decider” for the family.

While Mike is the ultimate decision maker in the family, he doesn’t do it in a dictatorial “I am in charge” attitude.  He often  collaborates with me on many issues, weighing my input as he sees fit.

Pre-DD, there would be instant friction if my opinions were contrary to his (often it was because I would refuse to budge, but we won’t go there for now).  Not that we would always argue, but even in a civil discussion there was this undertone of a battle of wills – this point-counter point discussion on who could justify their position the best, or who would give in first.  There is none of that with DD.  He gets the final say.   

The result is, I believe the quality of our household decision making has improved with the “naming” of a clear Head of Household.  Quality being defined as timeliness, effectiveness, and ability to maintain household tranquility.  And this could not have happened if Mike was domineering, versus Dominant.

I believe a challenge for some couples attempting to adopt a DD lifestyle is to understand the difference between Domineering and Dominant.  The former will likely lead to a very unhappy DD life.  Here are some differences as I see it:

  • Domineering:  Arrogant, defensive, childish, threatens, loud, angry, arbitrary, overbearing, subjugate others.
  • Dominant:  Confident, has nothing to prove, child-like, comforts, subtle, controlled, thoughtful, inspirational, elevate others.

It is so easy to confuse these two terms.  If you are not submissive, you likely see Dominant behavior as domineering.  If you are, then you the know the difference.
It is exactly the reason I once thought John was a complete ass.  Before I was submissive — before I knew anything about Domestic Discipline or a Dominant/submissive relationship – I saw John’s confidence and influence over Donna as domineering.  I often told Mike I thought he was a jerk.  Today, I see him as a very competent Dominant (but not as competent as Mike – I am a bit biased, but take my word for it).

I believe many people assume discipline is all there is to being a Dom.  It is an important role, but without Mike the Listener and Mike the Decider, Mike the Disciplinarian would be, well, just a dick.   Because Mike puts so much thought into what I need, there is always thought put into the discipline as well.  In simple terms, I feel the “punishment fits the crime” when it comes to the discipline he consistently gives.

This doesn’t mean I always agree with every detail of every punishment – nor does it even mean I always agree with detail of every decision or action he takes.  But “agreement” is different from “acceptance.”   I always accept his decisions, whether about discipline or other matters.  (I wrote about Agreement vs Acceptance in Post 55).

I don’t want to repeat myself (any more than I may already have).  Read Post 160 for more about all the attributes that make Mike the best Dom in the world for me!

I think people automatically assume the sub has the hardest transition to make when adopting this lifestyle.  I agree the sub probably has more emotional and physical challenges to overcome, but in my case, since I instigated our jump into DD, I believe I had more personal drive and motivation.  I really wanted this.  Mike was basically accommodating the crazy ideas of his wife, thus had motivations that may not have been as strong as mine.  In other words, I was committed to DD, he was committed to me.  Humm…so does that really mean it was “easier” for me? 

So does he everfeel he needs a break?  I asked him.  He said no, at least not in some time.  He said early on there were times he was worried about his performance as a Dom.  He hasn’t felt that in a long time.  He said he is energized, he is amazed, he is thrilled, he is, as he put it, “on top of the world.”   He feels his life is almost “too good to be true.” 

His concerns now are more about messing up this good thing.  But, not in a “worry” sort of way.  He likened it to his role as a leader at work.  He thinks a lot about potential problems and how to avoid them.  The difference between thinking and worry is simply confidence and competence.  He feels very confident and competent in his role as my Dom and as Kayla’s.  Thinking about potential pitfalls is just good leadership.

In his mind, the biggest potential pitfall is that he would become domineering – basically, he would allow the power I have given him to corrupt him.  He says the biggest help in feeling that he has not “gone there” re domineering is the great communication and feedback, especially in our Maintenance Sessions, and the thanks both Kayla and I bestow on him.  See – I told you thanks was important re  my Golden Rule of DD.

Other than letting the power get to his head, Mike said it isn’t much different than how he approaches his work.  “I think about what I don’t know.  Is there something I am missing?  Is there something I could be doing so that I understand and know more – about my people, about my industry, about processes, about trends, about technology?   In our DD, it is about understanding and knowing more about you and Kayla.  Then it’s about understanding submissives and formulating ways I can best meet your needs.”

What an amazing statement.  Mike said he focuses on “understanding submissives.”
You would think most Dominants would immediately want to understand Dominants and dominance.  Mike’s approach is to first understand me (and Kayla), then understand submissives, all for the purpose of better meeting our needs.  Wow, that doesn’t sound like a traditional Dominant.  Maybe it is. ?!?  

In my view, the fact that being a Dom was contrary to Mike’s default demeanor is exactly why he is such a great Dom.  His overriding motivation isn’t a motivation to be a Dominant, it is a motivation of being committed to my submission.  Huge difference! 

What makes him the best Dominant ever is that he is the best Dominant for me – and speaking for Kayla, I believe the best Dom for her as well.  I’ve said it before, the best Dom is the one that works best for the submissive.  In our case, that is most definitely Mike.  I understand that he could be a complete failure as a Dom to some other sub whose needs differ.  However, something tells me Mike is the kind of guy that would adjust to whatever worked best for any submissive.

I am so so lucky to have him as a husband, especially given my needs for submission.  I must never take him for granted.   This is why the behavior I showed in Post 201  bothers me so much.  He deserves better from me.  Throughout 25 years of marriage and almost three amazing years of DD he has always shown nothing but loving intentions towards me.  It sickens me that I still find opportunities to doubt him.

I’ve spent a lot of the last week in therapy.  Self-therapy that is.  A lot of reflection and soul searching.  In so doing I made a break through that I believe will forever eliminate my predisposition to jump to conclusions that Mike’s motivations are anything except loving.  I’ve jumped to those conclusions in error far too many times in our marriage, including the years using DD.  Mike deserves better from me.  He will get what he deserves.

Mike, I love you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you!  Endless kisses, hugs, licks, sucks, and more.  Much more!!

NEXT: Post 206. Embrace the Stillness

201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year


Holidays are a busy time.  The comings and goings of family members mean less time for TTWD.   Add to it – nothing very notable going on to write about.  Until now.

I’ve shared that since adopting Domestic Discipline almost three years ago, arguments between Mike and I are rare.   Post 44. Argument and Post 131 are the only two that come to mind.  Hummm…perhaps there are a few others.  Oh well, you get the point – rare!   

Some credit goes to my deference to Mike – more deference=less disagreement.  But the main credit is simply adopting a better communication style.  It comes down to remaining calm and respectful, thinking before you speak, and most importantly, to come from a place of inquiry – seeking to understand before being understood.  That is, make sure you get the facts on the other person’s point of view before promoting your own.  EVERYONE can do this, even outside a D/s dynamic.  Mike has always been pretty good at communicating this way, well before DD.  But for a previous control freak like me, no way.  It was not my style and without a focus on being submissive, it never would be my style.   

While it is now “my style,” I am not always perfect!   Technically this event wasn’t an argument.  I think “disagreement” is a better term as Mike never really argued his point, he simply “enforced” it.  Ha!  That’s getting ahead of the story.  Let me start from the beginning.  

To ring in the new year, Mike and I and our kids were going to spend the evening at my sister’s, along with my other sis and all their kids.  The cousins all get along and would have fun with fireworks and just hanging around.

The kids were already over at my sisters and Mike and I would soon join them.  Mike and I used the opportunity to have our Sunday Maintenance Session which we had without anything noteworthy.  We were in the kitchen talking, preparing to leave in about an hour to go to my sisters. Kayla came out, dressed and ready to leave for her New Year’s night out with Michaud.  We all chit-chatted a bit when Mike, out of nowhere, told Kayla to get on her knees and give him a blow job.   Kayla had a look of surprise but didn’t hesitate to comply.

I was puzzled and while such activities were not foreign to us, it was just so unexpected, sort of mid-conversation about nothing in particular, Kayla ready to leave out the door, and then, blow job?   After a couple of minutes Mike told her to follow him to our bedroom where they then had sex.   I was perplexed and puttered around the kitchen for a while and eventually went to the bedroom to check in on them.

I walked in as they were finished and heard Mike tell her to get dressed and she could now leave to Michaud’s.  He told her not to “clean up” and to “Leave my cum inside you.”  Kayla responded with a monotone “Yes, Sir,” to which he replied, “I think that deserves more than just an acknowledgement don’t you?  What do you say to me for allowing my cum to stay inside of you?”

Kayla said, “Thank you, Sir,” in another monotone response.  She appeared very expressionless to me, no sign of anger or fear or resentment, but no sign of joy either.

I was in full WTF mode.  I was angry.  I was not in the mindset of looking for loving intentions.  I was not seeking to understand why.  I reached my conclusions and reacted.

Kayla headed out of the bedroom – but was still within ear shot – and in a raised voice I said, “Mike, what was that about?  Why would you do that to Kayla?”

Mike immediately told me he didn’t like my tone and made it clear he didn’t “owe” me an explanation.

My tart retort was, “You may not owe me one, but you sure as hell owe her one.”  It was about that time that I could hear the front door close as Kayla left.   

Mike heard enough.  “I told you I didn’t like your tone yet you persist with the ugliness.  Drop your panties, lift your skirt, and bend over.”

I did not do so.I disagree.  I want to talk about this first.  Really, Mike, what was that about?”

Mike’s response was even more stern, “Jen, you are not in a position to disagree.  Not only are you talking disrespectfully, but you are disobeying me by not taking position for a spanking and by continuing to rudely question me .  Are you going to comply or not?”

In a defiant huff I said, “Fine, but I still disagree.” and did as he commanded. 

He spanked me very hard by hand, perhaps 35-40 times, and then told me.  “Now go to your room, unless you want to disagree some more.”  I restrained myself enough such that I didn’t verbally say more, but I had that disapproving scowl that said plenty.

Once in the room I disrobed and stood in the corner to wait for him, as is our normal punishment protocol.  When he came in, I immediately spoke, which is NOT in keeping with protocol. 

“Mike, I really want to understand…”

He cut me off, “Jen, I do not have to explain my treatment of Kayla.  I would have gladly shared my reasons with you had you respectfully inquired.  Since you did not, not only are you being punished, but I don’t want to reward your disobedience with an explanation of my actions.  Now, stay quiet with your nose in that corner.”  As angry as I was feeling, his stern commands actually nudged me a bit into a submissive state, albeit slightly so. (I really do thrive on his control).

He went to the closet and emerged with a paddle I affectionately call, “Mississippi.”  It is our widest paddle (as in the wide Mississippi River).  It is 4.5 inches wide and 18 inches long.  It’s not very thick – I suspect one day it may just break apart on my ass – but it sure covers a whole lot of surface area.  Is it common to have nicknames for your toys and implements?  I digress, that’ll be for another post.

He walked over to me in the corner and quickly spanked me three or four times very hard with the paddle.  “Now take a few steps backwards and lean forward, hands on the wall, ass out as far as you can stick it.”

Mike had me count as he spanked me and in keeping with the nickname we have for this paddle, I counted,  TWHACK, “One Mississippi,”  TWHACK,  “Two Mississippi”. . . all the way to ten.  At three my butt was already on fire, and at each one after five I let out a little shriek.  I was crying by the time I got to ten.   These were hard spankings. 

Mike lectured me.  I’ve written before that lectures are a bit new to us, something we talked about doing more of since our new Contract.  Well, he gave a me a top-notch lecture expressing his disappointment in my behavior.  As he lectured, he would pause between thoughts and spank me two or three times with the Mississippi, then proceed with his lecture.

Although my crying persisted through the lecture, I was still not in a remorseful state.  This was a new experience for me.  I’ve written before that my likelihood or degree of crying tends to correlate to the amount of shame or embarrassment I feel (Post 178. Embracing Shame).   I wasn’t feeling either of those things.  My crying was more about my frustration over the lack of control I had in getting what I wanted.  Oh, and also about the painful spanking I was getting.  I think this was the first time I just didn’t agree with why I was being punished.  After all, it was Mike’s actions that prompted this.  I was still mad and focused on wanting Mike to explain himself.

My emotions were obvious and could be seen in my continued disapproving scowl and demeanor.  I think I need to learn to fake being remorseful.  Ha!  Just kidding.  That would be disingenuous and thus dishonest. But it might save me from a sore bottom some day.  Anyway. . . 

My butt was plenty red and on fire.  Mike told me to sit down and write lines. He had me alternate lines of “I  will use a respectful tone at all times when speaking with Mike.” Then “I will promptly do ask Mike commands.”  Then “I will never express concern or complaint about Mike in front of others.”  And finally, “Mike knows what is best for Kayla’s submissive needs and desires.”

He had me bend over and prop my arms on the chair and he set me off to my writing with four or five more hard swats with Mississippi.  After I wrote each phrase one time, he had me stand and he swatted me once more, then had me sit and write each phrase one time again.  Again he told me to stand, swatted me once, and then sit and write again.  This went on.     

In addition to still being angry, his hovering over me and the interruptions for the spanking between sets made it very difficult for me to focus.  Writing lines is typically a calming and focusing exercise.  It deepens the feeling of contrition – but not this time.  I wanted him to go away and just let me write, and I keep thinking about what he did instead of focusing on my writing.  I wrote in a very exaggerated manner.  My hand dotted each “i” with a “so there” staccato.  Each ‘t’ was crossed with a “take that” slash to it. My body language was anything but submissive.

I wrote 36 lines when Mike had enough.  He took the paper from me and said none of them counted.  (When I have to write lines, Mike reviews it and I am spanked for errors or sloppiness).    

Mike said he didn’t want to be late to my sisters so we needed to “wrap this up.”  He took me into the bathroom, turned on the sink, lathered up a bar of soap, and told me to open my mouth.  “This is to help remind you to think before you speak.”  He rubbed the bar on my tongue then had me bite down on it and hold it in my mouth.

Mike said sternly, “The lingering taste in your mouth and sting on your butt can be your reminder the rest of the night to reflect on your behavior, now bend over.”

I bent over the bathroom sink, soap still in my mouth.

“Keep your head up and look at yourself in the mirror,” he commanded.  “You are getting 36 more since that is the number of lines you wrote in an unacceptable manner.  You are lucky I didn’t double it.” 

36 with Mississippi is an eternity, especially after having received so many already.  Mike varied the intensity, alternating between fairly soft strokes, some medium ones and some extremely hard ones.  It was more than enough to make me start crying again.  And for the first time I got the shakes during a spanking. Mike even paused to ask me if I was okay, to which I said “Yes, Sir, you may continue.”  My body language was very submissive by the end of it.  I just wanted it over.

While I was physically surrendered, I still wasn’t mentally surrendered.  If this were a typical punishment I probably would have used a safe word to pause or even stop the spanking.  It reached an unbearable stage somewhere in the upper teens, but, I my inner voice told me that if I used a safe word I was letting him “win.”   I still felt entitled to an explanation.  I told myself if I could hold on, I would be preserving my “right” to an explanation.  Yes, very foolish to think that way, but in that moment, nothing would have convinced me to think otherwise. 

I have had punishments in the past with more spankings than this one, and even some with harder spankings than these.  But the combination of the number of them and the intensity of them along with the implement that was used made this one of my worst spankings ever.  I think overall I ended up receiving 70-75 with Mississippi – plus the 35-40 by hand to start with, and the handful I got during my Maintenance Session just a few hours earlier.  My ass was very much afire and sore.  It’s been four days and the bruises are still big and evident.

When he was finished, complete with pee rinse, he told me that he does not consider the punishment complete.  He said he expects me to stay up after we got home and start over with the lines and he wants 100 before I go to bed.   This meant the potential for even more spankings as I am spanked for any errors or sloppiness in my lines.

He also told me, “For the rest of the night, anything short of a cheerful disposition from you will be considered additional disobedience.  I want you to forget about this and get about your normal routine in your normal joyous way.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir”

Wow.  This was the most direct, demanding, and dismissive way he has ever spoken to me.  Odd thing is, I kinda liked it.  I mean, I still wanted to know why he did what he did.  But, I was turned on by his Dominance… oh, only a submissive would understand!

Even though his sternness brought a slight tingle to my nether-regions, I still wanted to know what was going through his mind to order Kayla to have sex with him.  I figured I would have to wait for our next Maintenance Session to bring this up — respectfully bring this up!

Even though the issue was not settled in my mind, I was able to put all my thoughts on hold and cheerfully go about the evening.

Despite a very sore bottom and lingering soapy taste in my mouth, I had  a lot of fun at my sisters, as did everyone else.  By the time we got settled in back at home it was nearly 2 a.m. Mike told me to skip the lines for the night and he gave me until the end of the day to get them completed.  

Kayla got home a little after 2, Mike and I were still up.   We chatted briefly and she shared she also had a fun night.  She was in the shower as Mike and I were laying in bed when Mike brought up the subject of the days events.  

“Jen, I know you still want to discuss what happened.  The simple answer is that I am Kayla’s Dom and she is my submissive.  You are not entitled to anything more than that answer.   If she has questions of me then she has the ability to discuss it with me.  Do you accept that?

“I accept it, Sir.” I responded.

“I can hear the ‘butin your response,” said Mike as he easily read my body language  ( I really do need to learn how to put on a poker face).   I had to collect my thoughts as I did not want further spankings.   I kept telling myself I really want to have a discussion and to do that I must remain respectful.  I kept thinking to myself, “Loving intentions, loving intentions.  Assume loving intentions!”

“Mike, I accept you are Kayla’s Dom and she is your submissive.  I am sorry for demanding an explanation from you.  I should always assume your intentions are based on what Kayla needs and based on what she will accept from your dynamic with her.  If you are willing to share your thoughts with me about what prompted your actions, perhaps I can better understand you as a Dom, and Kayla as a submissive.  That can help me be a better submissive to you, and a better friend of Kayla’s.”   Phew, I was glad I was able to be calm and collected in my statement. 

It was about that time that Kayla got out of the shower.  Mike called Kayla over to us.  Mike asked her, “Kayla, you are aware that Jen took exception to me having sex with you before you left, aren’t you?

Yes, Sir, I heard her as I was leaving.”

“Tell me, what did you think about it?   If we were able to play that night over, knowing what you know now, would you have wished I simply let you go out without having sex with you?”

“Sir, to be honest,” Kayla calmly stated, “I was perfectly fine with it.  It took me a second to process your request simply because it was unexpected and my mind was focused on my evening with Michaud.  But it was no more than a second.  And I am grateful for what you did, no regrets.  It was exactly the kind of thing we talked about.”  

Mike smiled and said he was relieved to hear that.  He said he knew it was an “aggressive” move on his part and that there was risk.  “I know I took a risk with you emotionally, and I am happy to hear you say that I read your needs correctly.  Although it gives me a great sense of accomplishment to serve your submissive needs, please always tell me if I fail you, even in a small way.”  Mike then looked at me and said, “I don’t want to just be a Dom to either of you,  I want to be the right Dom to each of you.”

Holy shit, I feel terrible!  I can probably go an entire post for how shitty I feel about my behavior.  Mike’s behavior was in such sharp contrast to my own.  He excelled at his Dominance.  He excelled in how he maintained a calm and Dominant composure throughout me throwing my fit.  He excelled in treating Kayla in a way that she apparently appreciated and was needing from him as his submissive. Contrast that with my behavior which was a complete submissive fail.

I apologized profusely.  Mike has always been reliable when it comes to having good intentions, even before DD.  I should know to not doubt him the way that I did.  Any questions from me must always be done inquisitively, from a point of curiosity and seeking knowledge.  This is a basic foundation of any relationship built on good communication, with or without DD – and I failed.

I really should have learned by now not to doubt Mike.   Perhaps more reflections on this in another post.  Yeah, it may take a couple of posts to fully unpack emotionally.   

Of course, I had to know what Kayla meant when she told Mike, “It was exactly the type of thing we talked about.”  I respectfully asked Mike and Kayla to share what that meant.  What I learned was very interesting and unexpected.  That will also be for another post!

Yea me!  Lot’s to write about!

NEXT:  Post 202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

197. Do ya wanna have sex?


“Do you want to have sex with Matt?”

I almost replied with “Do you want me to have sex with Matt?”  Luckily I caught myself because answering a question with a question would likely be considered disobedient.  Mike especially dislikes a reply such as, “Whatever you want, Sir.”  He finds such responses to be disrespectful, as if he doesn’t know that I am willing to obey his wishes.  When he asks me a question, he wants me to accept it as stated and answer it accordingly.    

“It hadn’t crossed my mind before and with your endorsement I would definitely want to have sex with him.”   There, I think that was diplomatic in a submissive sort of way.

Matt is a long time friend of Mike’s.  They worked together for many years before Matt left to work at another company.  They often went on business trips together and were both involved in entertaining account reps, vendors, clients, etc.  They got to know each other very well both in and outside the office.  

They hadn’t been in frequent contact for a few years.  There was the occasional “how’s it going” and a few times they met up for lunch here and there.  They reconnected recently.  Matt is now divorced, just turned 50, and currently not in a relationship.

“Okay then, I’ll look for the opportunity to make that happen.”  And with that, the next day Mike tells me we will be going over to Matt’s place on our date night this weekend.   He then asked me if I had any reservations or questions.

I told him I have no reservations.  I said I was fully committed to being subject to his desires regarding anything he asks of me regarding sex, including sex with anyone he wishes either of us to have sex with.  While not in the contract, I have voiced that the only exception is that I do not want either of us having sex with someone who is in a relationship when both parties aren’t aware of the sex.   Mike agreed.  We don’t want to get tangled up in complicating someone’s relationship. 

I did have a couple of questions.  I asked him what prompted this?   He said it was nothing in particular.  The thought of sharing me excited him and he believes Matt is the perfect guy to do this with.  Mike has always enjoyed watching me, whether with John, Donna, Kayla, or by myself.  And of course, I love being watched by him.  And he rarely just watches – he almost always joins in. 

I asked him if he talked to Matt about this yet.  Was Matt even willing?  I imagine it would be awkward for him.  Mike said he has not talked to Matt, but is 100% certain he will be good with it.  Mike wants it to be a surprise, so at this point he just told Matt that he and I want to drop by after we have dinner to just see his new place and say hello.  Mike said that part of the excitement for him is in the unknown.  While he expects it to be positive, Matt will clearly have a moment of “What’s going on here?”   Mike simply told me to be prepared to follow his lead. 

Lastly, I asked Mike if he would ask the same thing of Kayla?   Mike said he hasn’t decided yet but assumes that at some point he will.   By the way, in many of Kayla’s and Mike’s talks about her relationship with Michaud, Kayla has reiterated that she does not want Mike treating her any differently than before.  She does not want Mike to consider Michaud’s feelings or concerns.  She asked Mike to remain focused only on what he feels is best for her as his submissive.   

Despite this, Mike did say that he would ask her more questions.  While she almost certainty would agree to this, Mike wants her to at least think more deeply about it.  Mike feels that it isn’t about him showing consideration for Michaud, but consideration for Kayla.  The “single Kayla” has thrived under the sexual adventures she has been on.  Would the “dating-Kayla” thrive as well?  Mike takes his role seriously and it isn’t just about his own sexual gratification, but about whether it provides any fulfillment to Kayla. 

This got me thinking more about Mike as a Dom.  I focus a lot on what submission means to me, but have only briefly touched on what Dominance means to Mike.  For him, being a Dom isn’t about “taking” from a submissive.  It is about “giving” what the submissive desires regarding their submissiveness.  It’s like I said before, I think for a submissive, it isn’t about simply finding a Dom, it is about finding the right Dom.  If the match isn’t a good one, instead of feeling fulfilled, the submissive may feel disregarded or demeaned.  

So, Matt is attractive, I enjoy his company, and have no qualms about having sex with him.  The exhibitionist in me is excited, but, I am also a bit nervous knowing he isn’t aware that I will be his for the taking.  How awkward is he rejects my advances!  Also, just exactly how does Mike propose we go about it?  All he would tell me is he has a plan that includes ever escalating innuendo and stages of my undress.   Humm…. can’t wait!

NEXT: 198. Sex with Mike, I mean, with Matt

166. My favorite kinks


As I wrote in my last post, I spent quite a bit of time helping my sister move – just the two of us sorting and packing.  And if you’re new to my posts – my sister is aware of my DD lifestyle.  (Post 116).  Our relationship has always been such that we share TMI regarding our sex life, so it was normal for her to take this extended one-on-one time with me to ask more about my DD and details about my sex life.

In case your curious – my sister is straight-laced vanilla when it comes to sex.  The wildest thing she ever did in her life was when she was 19 she “let” another girl finger her and she reciprocated.  Oh, those college years!  She has been married 30 years, and claims to enjoy the three or four “go to” sexual positions her and her husband do.  She doesn’t own a single sex toy.  She is so deprived!

She asked me of all the sexual exploration and experiences since adopting Domestic Discipline (2.5 years ago), which things do I enjoy the most.  I immediately said, “Thanks sis, this should make a good topic to post about!” 

First off, I am reminded that everyone’s kink is weird and disgusting, except your own.  So yeah, think what you want, but even if you don’t find pleasure in the things I find pleasure in, you’re just as weird and disgusting in your own way.  Ha!

Number two on my list is something I shared before (I’ll share #1 last).  I like to be watched.  (Post 20).   I’ve been able to occasionally scratch the exhibitionist itch (Post 38, Post 139 to mention a few).  Other than that it is more about being watched by one or more of Mike, Kayla, John, and Donna while I perform various sexual acts on either myself or on one of them.  While I enjoy anyone watching, I enjoy it the most when Mike is watching. 

The rest aren’t in any particular order, but what quickly came to mind when my sister asked me was that I enjoy double penetration – more specifically, having sex with John with me on top, while Mike is behind me entering me from (and in) the rear.  This satisfies my desire to have Mike watch, while also stimulating me in different ways.  I also prefer Mike to be the one behind me because he is more in tune with me and dp can be tricky — as in uncomfortable for me, if not a little painful — if the “guy in the back” is not paying attention.  

I enjoy watching (and listening to) Kayla.  I love watching her have sex with Mike or anyone, but I really love to watch her masturbate.  She gets so lost in her pleasure — she is louder and more expressive than I am.  She almost always talks dirty, which is not unfamiliar to me personally, but she does it more and even does it when masturbating.

I know it sounds bad, but I enjoy watching her get spanked.  Not that I look forward to it, but it does turn me on.  I identify with her in that there is so much innocence and vulnerability on display that it stimulates that submissive in me.  And I love to watch Mike spank as it stimulates my need for him to be dominant.  Just thinking about this is enough to give me a tingle.  

The last thing that quickly came to mind as a top pick of sexual stimulation is something that I have a love/hate relationship with.  To be precise, it is “love/hate/loooove/hate/love/hate/more please/hate/please one more time/no, stop/yes, more please/hate/love” relationship.  That’s anything to do with punishments or rough play of my breasts – including the nipples. 

Clearly there is an intense dichotomy in how this makes me feel.  For instance, as soon as my nipples are clamped, I often quickly feel I can’t take another second of it, but if Mike removes them, I immediately want them back on.  I also like it when he slaps or even paddles or canes my breasts.  I’ve had a few of these punishments, (Post 61 and Post 133 were probably the most intense), but mostly when it comes to my breasts it has just been a clamp, a suction, or the tack bra.  Again, I can’t take much punishment as far as a wooden spoon or some other implement – I am quick with the safe word – but I find I am soon wishing I took more.  

Part of my love for this is that my breasts and nipples are so sensitive that the feeling lingers for a long time.  I actually like it when my nipples and breasts are a bit sore as it is a lingering reminder of my submissiveness.  I even get turned on when they are a little bruised – hey, can’t help it, it’s just the way I am wired.  I even like to see Kayla’s breasts marked with a bruise from a strike, or a hickey, or red from a binding.  Something about the “surrender” of the breast that intrigues me and stimulates me.  Yeah, I know, “weird and disgusting.”

I hadn’t really thought of it until my sister asked me, but this did prompt me to share with Mike that I wouldn’t mind more breast related punishments.   Before you go questioning why would I do such a thing, or how can it be a punishment if I request it — keep this in mind — more than just hard limits, you have to communicate what is okay and what isn’t.  Doms and subs need to communicate to stay calibrated!

In having this discussion with Mike I learned that he purposely has kept certain breast punishments to a minimum because I seemed to always quickly go for the safe word.  He thought he was hurting me…well, I guess he was, but in a good way.   It is invaluable to be able to communicate that I am okay with a bit more intensity.  That doesn’t mean my “yellow” word doesn’t mean what it means.  He still has to pause.  But until I call “Mercy” (our “red” word), he can continue to resume whatever he was doing.

Regardless of their experience level, it is always helpful to give a Dom your validation that pressing the boundaries is okay because we have the safe word to fall back on.   Mike stated that if every punishment ended in “Mercy” that it would mean to him that he is doing something wrong.  This was an important breakthrough for us.  I praised him for how he has approached every punishment and reassured him I never think less of him the few times I’ve called for Mercy.  Not that I want to be brought to that point, but, I leave it completely up to him if that is what he thinks is appropriate for the situation. 

And just to reiterate this again — it is still a punishment and a deterrent, even if I get some joy out of it.  In the moment I don’t like any discipline, but frankly, it always gives me some level of satisfaction afterwards – some more than others.   No matter how physically uncomfortable they are, they all remind me that I am Mike’s, I serve him, I am his.  THAT ALWAYS turns me on and is my biggest, most favorite kink!  Again, “weird and disgusting, I know. . . but, so are your kinks!   

So, there you have it.  Some of my kinks that I love the most. 

NEXT:167. What is “Mine” versus What is “For Me.”

160. I’ll take you to my Leader


In my prior post I pointed out the traits of a good Dom are no different from the traits of a good leader.  To me, the vanilla term for a Dom could simply be Leader!   In thinking about when I first ventured into Domestic Discipline, I would probably have had fewer trepidations had I thought of it as a Leader/follower dynamic (L/f).  This is due to the baggage I had, and suppose many people have, over the term “Dominant.”

I talked to Mike about my L/f observation and he instantly connected the dots with his experience.  I’ve written about how Mike has said he feels he is a better leader at work since we instituted Domestic Discipline.  This time in our discussion, Mike connected that not only did our D/s help him in the L/f work dynamic, but conversely, his skills and experience in the L/f work dynamic helped him in our D/s.  I asked him to elaborate, and thus, this post!    

It took me a bit to write this post as I tried to do in more of an interview style but it just didn’t work. So I decided to just list out the themes that Mike shared.  He shared nine characteristics he strives to demonstrate in work that he also connects to how he approaches his Dom role at home.  

  1. Consistency – I list this first because it is paramount.  I’ve mentioned it before. Consistency is key!  A follower needs their Leader to be a consistent, steady influence on her life.  Consistency in their decision making,  tone of voice, enforcement of rules and rituals, imposed discipline, and in their care and concern for their follower.  (I took the liberty of writing these from the perspective of the male Leader and female follower, since that is what I identify with.  Clearly, it could be any combination of genders depending on your dynamic)
  2. Empathy – a good Leader places himself in his follower’s shoes and seeks to understand before seeking to be understood.  That’s not to say they identify with what the follower needs.  The Leader seeks to understand the needs of the follower and then address them as the Leader see fit.
  3.  Conscientiousness – Leaders are driven by a sense of duty that helps drive their actions and decisions.  They understand that they have an impact on their follower and strive to impact them in positive ways as opposed to negative ways.  No matter how assertive or tough-minded, the Leader is consistently concerned for the well-being of their follower. 
  4. Wisdom – the Leader guides their follower down the best path.  This often can only come with the experience and maturity of lessons learned from prior decisions and experiences, good and bad.  Such “wisdom” is not in the eye of the Leader, but in the eye of the follower.  If the Leader has proven themselves, the follower can trust her leader to be an insightful guide along her journey.  This trust is critical as the journey is not even possible without it.
    A Leader is bold, not a bully.  Without #1 through #4, the rest of these would be characteristics of a bully instead of acts of the bold.
  5.  Assertiveness – the Leader gets energy and motivation from a challenge and thus does not shy away when a challenge presents itself.  The Leader prefers to be the one taking action as opposed to simply reacting to their follower.  This is actually an act of vulnerability on the part of the Leader as being assertive means making oneself vulnerable to criticism or negative thoughts about their firm decisions. 
  6.  Self assurance – This is the result of the vulnerability that comes with being assertive.  The Leader know that they are not perfect and make mistakes, but they don’t dwell on this or allow hesitation to creep in.  They quickly address and overcome any mistakes and move on.  This inner confidence strengthens the bonds between them and their follower and helps both the Leader and the follower to understand that mistakes will not deter their progress together.
  7. Tough-mindedness – Related to Assertiveness, it’s where the Leader sticks to their assertions.  They know where they are going and have ideas as to how to get there. As a result it is not easy to divert them from their chosen path – but they will still adjust as appropriate.
  8.  High standards – A Leader sets a high standard of excellence both for themselves and their follower.  This inward desire to do one’s best can be intimidating, but also rewarding for the follower who steps up and meets those standards.
  9. Emotional Strength and Stability – The Leader maintains composure in the face of adversity, frustration, or disappointment.  This is very critical in a D/s dynamic when the Leader is responsible for punishments.  The Leader needs to maintain a command of their emotions while the follower needs to see that no matter how bad things get, her leader will be in control of himself.  She feels safe as a result.

That’s it!

Mike said #7 was the hardest part for him to master when he took over the household leadership reigns.  He said the challenge for him was to learn not to be easily swayed by my “emotional appeals” and to stay focused on my goals.  He would be concerned at times that he would be seen as insensitive or disconnected.  He didn’t want me to see him that way, yet he also wanted to help me reach the submissive mindset I was seeking.

Of course I had to ask him what “emotional appeals” meant.  He said it meant something between persuasion and manipulation.   He explained that basically it was the typical things I might do or say to elicit my preferred response from him.  Humm…now that started a whole other conversation as I was very curious by what these “typical things” were.  Perhaps I’ll share that part of the conversation some other time.

I never realized he thought I might interpret his actions as insensitive or disconnected. I told him that for me it was quite the opposite.  I “get off” on his tough-mindedness.   I enjoy it when typical methods of “emotional appeals” simply aren’t sufficient to overcome his determination to help me achieve my goals.   I was saddened by realizing that there have been times Mike thought I was thinking ill of him for actions he took.  It really underscored for me that yes, the Dominant is also making themselves vulnerable in this dynamic.

It also emphasized my “Golden Rule of DD” that I shared in my previous post.  It is so important for the Dominant (Leader) to give praise, and the Submissive (follower) to give thanks.  Especially early on in exploring this dynamic.    

In reflecting on my last 2.5 years, I don’t think we did enough “Praising and Thanking.” Lately I have made it a point to frequently thank Mike for all he does, whether it is just as a person, a dad, a husband, or a Dom.  And more than just a thank you, I remind him it is part of why I love him.  My “phrase of thanks” is, “Mike, thank you, I love you for…”  And then proceed to tell him the specific thing I am grateful for.

It’s amazing the power this phrase has.  Of course, I must always be genuine in my use of this phrase.  He might consider it an “emotional appeal” if I use it in attempt to sway him.  Would I do that?  Me?  nEveR!