191. Spanking, sex, and a question

It’s not all happy, happy, joy, joy.

I often write about how wonderful life is.  It is.
I often write about how fulfilling my submission is.  It is.
I write about trusting Mike’s decisions.  Whether or not I agree, I accept.
I write about the compersion I feel from Mike and Kayla sharing love (and sex).  Their relationship brings me joy.

BUT, something happened recently that unsettled me.

SPANK
It was a few nights ago, J was asleep.  Kayla was being spanked by Mike.  There are many times we have seen each other being spanked, but we don’t go out of our way to watch.  Often, when one of us is being disciplined the other tries to give some space so as not to interrupt the mood of the disciplining session.

Bedtime was closing in and I needed to shower and prepare for bed.  I walked into the bedroom and saw Kayla bent over, elbows on the bed, and Mike preparing to spank her.  I quickly trotted into the bathroom, closed the door, and showered.

When I finished I did not hear sounds of spanking, but I heard very light, short, high-pitched sounds.  It took me a few seconds to place it.   It was Kayla.  I thought, “Oh, Mike must have ordered her to masturbate.”  I opened the bathroom door and walked into the bedroom to see Kayla in the same position, bent over, elbows on the bed.  And Mike was behind her, fucking her.

SEX
I’ve seen them have sex many times.  But it was odd that they were having sex right after a punishment.  That’s not something we normally do as we generally keep sex and discipline separate.

I stood there and watched.  Mike pulled out and away, reached over and grabbed his belt, and started spanking her again.  I was shocked.  It wasn’t just sex after a spanking, but sex as part of the discipline.

Mike saw that I was watching, and told me to bring him the flogger.  As I walked it over to him, he flipped Kayla over on her back.  He told her to spread her legs and he proceeded to flog her thighs and her pussy.  Not too hard, but enough to cause her to writhe a bit from side to side.

Grabbing her legs, he pulled her closer to the edge of the bed and started fucking her again.  He came insider her.  He then flipped her over on her chest, legs dangling over the side of the bed.  He then started spanking her by hand and continued for some time. Upon stopping, he then started fingering her until she came.  He then took his belt and gave her three or four more strikes, and then it was over.  He told her to stand up, they hugged and went through their aftercare.   He then told her to get ready for bed.

There was a lot of rawness to it all.  A forcefulness.   Not just discipline.  Not just sex.  More a display of power than a delivery of discipline.

I’ve shared before that Mike is more strict with Kayla than with me, and the discipline she receives is more harsh.  It’s the way she wanted it.  I’ve witnessed similar punishments like this one before. But not intertwined with the sex.

QUESTION
At Sunday’s Maintenance Session I shared with Mike how that punishment troubled me.  I admitted I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, but I knew it wasn’t good.  The mix of sex and discipline bothered me.

It has been awhile since I last questioned Mike’s actions.  Mike was great, as always. He listened to my concerns and was not offended or defensive about it.  He said the spanking and the flogging were consistent with other discipline he has given Kayla, but the sex was new.

Mike said he wasn’t sure why he did it.  He didn’t owe me an explanation, but I was happy he offered one. He has shared before that he often gets aroused from discipline, but, he doesn’t act on it as he too wants to keep sex and discipline separate.  But, this time, he said the urge was just too great and he gave into it.  And the way Kayla responded just made him even more horny.  He said he was thinking there will be more of it in the future, so he wanted to understand my concerns.

I couldn’t really articulate my feelings. I told him perhaps it just seemed too rough to me. While she fully consented, it just seemed, well, forced.  I know it wasn’t.  It was just that discipline hasn’t been a setting for sex, thus, in my mind there was this unspoken rule.  Discipline was a sex free zone and Mike violated that.

There have been times there was sex  with discipline, even with me.  But the few times it occurred it was typically just oral sex (sucking his cock), or, sex immediately following the Closing ceremony.  This was not that.

Mike called Kayla into our Maintenance Session.  He thought it would be helpful for the three of us to talk about it. She said she loved the discipline she received.  “The pain and submission of being spanked added to the pleasure and submission of Mike forcing himself on me was mind-blowing.”

I felt a little better that she enjoyed it.  But there was still more to what bothered me.  It finally clicked what it was.  I wasn’t feeling any compersion over the sex I witnessed.  I didn’t enjoy seeing Mike being so raw and forceful with Kayla.

We talked about this for some time, but never really reconciled why I feel that way.  I can’t articulate why – it just is.  Until I can make sense and articulate what it is that I feeling, it is difficult to break it down and reconcile it.  I am open to ideas?

I shared with Mike that I felt it is not for me to question his decisions regarding Kayla’s discipline.  I also don’t want him to feel bad for what happened nor feel reluctant to repeat it.  I reassured him I would figure this out and not to mind my concerns.  Mike thanked me for saying that but he said he would exclude sex in any future discipline for a little while. We agreed to talk more in hopes that there is an epiphany after it percolates more in our minds.

And percolates it does.  I have a lot of theories, but when I think them through I end up saying, “No, that’s not it.”   So yeah, an ideas?

NEXT: 192. Vanquishing Negativity