Tag Archives: anger

220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline

Truth

Continued from prior post
I ask myself a simple question, Can submission lead me to healing?”

I remember pre-DD Jenny.  The control freak who would rail against things she didn’t like.  It got her nowhere good, except the illusion of control.  It compromised her marriage and her family, making it less than it could be and should be.

It’s too early for me to forget my anger.  No, it won’t be forgotten that easily.  But, I can put it aside momentarily.   Just drop it over there so I can assess some things before picking it back up.

So, getting back to Mike’s decision. . . oops, what’s that in my arms again?  Oh, anger!  I thought I put you down.  Let me try again.

So, I know they are having a blast right now and here I sit. . . oops, dang it.  Anger, I thought I put you down.  Let me try again. 

So, why is it that I can’t make time for friends, family, and internet friends… Damn it!! Anger, I told you to stay over there.  Let me try again.  

So, I work hard, I do so much for Mike, he is treated like a king, and, oh crap, Anger, I told you to go away.   Let me try again.

Okay, it’s not going to work to think about what I did or whether the discipline was appropriate.  What does that matter anyway?   I did what I did, Mike did what he did, and I am abiding by it.   

I got to find my happy place.  Just for a little while.  The anger will be there later for me to pick it up.   Happy place?  Hum.  I got it.  Instead of focusing on the circumstances that have me angry, I’ll focus on the circumstances that led to my embracing Domestic Discipline, because, after all, it is DD’s fault that I am not at the party. 

{ Cue musical interlude }
{ Cue reflective montage }  Pre-DD scenes of unresolved conflict segue to my search for answers, finding DD, and growing in submission and in oneness with Mike.  Now reading back on my journal, re-reading old blog posts, checking out some websites.

ONE ETERNITY LATER
Okay, it wasn’t an actual eternity, but I am back with a realization.  A very important truth about discipline.  At least, it is a truth to me.

THE TRUTH ABOUT DISCIPLINE
Discipline is the ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

For adults, it is often assumed we derive this 100% from ourselves.   That is, it is all about Self-Discipline (SD).

But self-discipline doesn’t mean we do it all by ourSELF.  We all have rules we must abide by.  Actual laws of course, but also generally accepted rules of behavior, whether at work or interacting with society.  Many also turn to religion, or counseling, or family, or friends, self-help books, or many other resources to help strengthen their self-discipline.  (Note these resources can be, but aren’t always, as loving, fulfilling, customized, or loyal to your interests as you would hope). 

For me, I found that when my SD fails me, I can “borrow” discipline from my partner.  And for me, that discipline, more so than SD,  provides me a greater ability to control my feelings, overcome my weaknesses, pursue what I think is right, and stare temptation down.  If only there were a name for this “borrowed” discipline!   Oh wait, I got one!  I’ll call it Domestic Discipline.

This is the essence of why DD and submission is so fulfilling to me.  It completes my self-discipline.

THE ACT AND THE RESULTS
With discipline, it is easy to misinterpret the ACT and ignore the RESULTS. 

The act of discipline is NOT punishment. 
It’s easy to think of the specific penalties as being the discipline.  Spanking, chastisement, being shunned.  Those are ways it is delivered, but what is the “it” that the disciplinarian is delivering?  

The “it” is caring. Caring for oneself when it is SD, and caring for another when it is consensual and part of DD.  Both SD and DD use structure to create accountability.  And the accountability is to the goals and ambitions of the person receiving the discipline.  It is about giving absolution and forgiveness.  

The result of discipline is NOT pain.  The result is enhanced communication, deepen intimacy and reinforced personal commitments.  Yes, SD is about better communicating with ourselves – being in touch with ourselves and our personal goals — being intimate with ourselves.   DD does exactly the same thing, but adds in a relationship component — better communication in your relationship, being in touch with our partners and our relationship goals, and increased intimacy with each other.

MIKE IS CAPABLE
I remind myself that Mike has been an amazing partner in our DD journey (and as equally as amazing pre-DD for putting up with me!).  He has shown he is the perfect Dom, as he is perfect for me!  He has done amazing things for Kayla as well.  His compassion allows him to treat each of us the way we want and need, even though those wants and needs are different.  Time and time again he has earned my trust and confidence as a partner in my discipline.

Being submissive is about obedience, respect, honesty, loyalty, and trust.  Honesty includes sharing your feelings, even when you aren’t feeling particularly obedient or respectful.   In the process of sharing my feelings I did “okay” regarding maintaining obedience and respect (I did overstep a bit, and was spanked for it), but frankly, given the fire of anger I was feeling, I am very proud of only overstepping a little.  While it may not have sounded like it, between the moments of showing disrespect, I was extremely respectful.  Once again, progress, not perfection 

DOM MIKE IS A BETTER LISTENER
Mike has been excellent at valuing my opinion and desires.  He does that MORE since DD than ever before.  Here’s an interesting observation –– With DD, my opinion and desires are completely optional to him.  Yet, he values them MORE then he did when they were freely given to him, unsolicited.  Things that make you go “hmmm?!?!”.

MIKE IS WORTHY
Mike is worthy of my allegiance to his decisions, including those involving my discipline.  Why would I tear him down and be disloyal by continuing to sulk about this?  I know he put a lot of thought into his decision.   Imagine trying to figure out the most appropriate discipline to an issue that strikes at the core of what I want addressed about myself.  Now imagine knowing that instead of getting my submission (loyalty, respect, trust), he sees that I think he failed and made a bad decision.  Every time my SD has failed, his DD has been there showing that he loves me and desires to do his best for me.
He’s earned my submission, even on this issue especially on this issue.  

Submission is not easy.  Instead of focusing on what I want (attending the party), the center of my focus needs to be on Mike.  My attitude towards him needs to be one of faith in him, not doubt.  I can begin to heal my anger through submission.

STILL CAN’T “SUBMIT” THE BAD FEELINGS AWAY
So maybe I am like 80% there.  I still don’t feel at ease with what I am feeling.  So I am looking beyond just being submissive and trying to look at some basic facts from Mike’s perspective.

MOTIVATION
What are Mike’s motivations for keeping me from the party?   He wants me at the party, I know it!  He enjoys having me there.  But what he wants for me regarding my ongoing behavior is greater than what he wants for himself tonight for one night of fun.  The fact that I place so much importance on this party is exactly the motivation for him to keep me from it.  My behavior warranted it.  Mike’s motivations are rooted in his responsibilities as Dom – responsibilities that I have empowered him with to help me have the discipline to be the person I strive to be for him and my family.

And what of my motivations to be angry?  Well, it’s basically “Because that’s what I want and I can’t have it.”  ‘Nuff said.

I haven’t thought of it before in these terms, but what submission boils down to, is this — Can you leave the outcome in the hands of your Dom?   I can.

No doubt I am accepting his decision in so far as I am not at the party right now.   While Mike knows I am unhappy, I didn’t throw a major fit (perhaps a tiny one?), and for the most part remained reticent about my frustration and disappointment.   So I ask myself what is in it for me if I remain in opposition to his decision?

There is the risk of more disciplinary actions if I remain sullen and cross.  But that is just a risk to my butt or my privileges.  What is the risk for my heart?   It doesn’t feel good to feel angry.   At least, not long term.  Honestly, having a pity-party does feel a little good.  It is very self-serving…. downright selfish.  But any satisfaction from “woe is me” is very short-lived and soon turns to dissatisfaction.

I look at what I did and I agree that a significant consequence was in order.  I appreciate that Mike feels this way too.  To reap the benefits of discipline, one must subject themselves to the consequences of their actions.

When I next speak to Mike, it will be to reassert my commitment to him, that I will follow his lead.  I will ask him for guidance or suggestions on making sure I have reconciled my anger.  While I feel much better now, I know from my past that sometimes I think I squashed a particular negative feeling, only to find it unexpectedly rearing its head. 

You know, I went to pick up that anger I put aside and it was a lot harder to see than when I first put it down.     

P.S.  I spent some time searching online for help in addressing my anger.  I found a great resource at http://consensualdominance.net.   Lot’s of great practical advice.  While it didn’t address my anger specifically, it served as a great reminder regarding submission.  I found the post on Submissive Resistance very interesting.

NEXT: 221. Restriction Pleasure?

219. I am Angry (and that’s okay)

219

Last night Mike told me I can not attend the Super Bowl party.  I am to use this time alone, while they are having fun, to do “all I want” online.   All the other restrictions remain in place until further notice and my internet restrictions will resume once they get back from the party.  I am not happy.  I am angry.

I didn’t sleep well.  I journaled until lights out, trying my best to get out all my jumbled rage.  Even with the lights out I let the rage play out in my head as I tossed and turned.  My mind was focused on how terrible it was for Mike to keep me from the party.   I am glad I get to finally type this out.  Writing always helps.

I rewrote this post many times.  Each rendition became less angry.  Writing is wonderful that way.  It’s good to vent, even just in writing.  However, I want to give you a glimpse into where I started emotionally.  I am neither defending or apologizing for these feelings.  They simply represent what was going on in my heart.   

While you will see I made progress in reconciling my anger, the healing process is just that – a process.  The acute, sharp pain is gone, but remnants remain.  I can sense they are slowly fading, but, they are not gone.  

I put this into two posts –  on on my anger, and one on my healing.

ANGER
When Mike told me the news, I managed to give a less-than-heartfelt, “Yes, Sir.”  I couldn’t even make eye contact with Mike when I said it.  Too many emotions bubbling.  

It isn’t that I am a football fan – it is about the social aspect.  We have so much fun!  I have so much fun! And the sex is fun!   And it is tradition – Mike and I were doing this long before DD, before John and Donna – all the way back to when we were first dating.  We hang out together for the Super Bowl.  It’s what we do and have done for over 25 years.  MIKE AND I ALWAYS DO IT TOGETHER.

I’ve been so good all week.  I was expecting Mike to tell me he was ending the restrictions and I was anticipating a day of fun together.   Instead, I can’t go to the party AND all the restrictions are staying in place (except for being able to go online while they are at the party).  Hrumpf!!! 

I was glad to have our Sunday Maintenance session before they left for the party.   They left for the party around 1:00 – yeah, it is a long and fun party.  Of course, because I am so lucky, I get to have my Maintenance before they go to have their fun. Yea, me! (That wasn’t too subtle with the sarcasm was it?  I hope not). 

I got all the catch up spankings that were “banked.”  Three separate sets of spankings for various misbehavior, and 28 spankings for errors he found in the 700 lines I wrote over the course of the week.  I was so anxious to speak that despite an awful lot of spankings and a very sore bottom, the discomfort didn’t even register in my mind.  Finally,  I get to speak!

I did my best to plan my words in advance – humble, respectful, and calm.  But in the moment, adrenaline kicks in (or is that anger?).  Despite my best efforts, anger is hard to hide.  Not only was Mike unmoved, but after one warning, I was spanked for the tone I was using.  On the third offense, he gave me lines.  I think he gave me the lines instead of another spanking because I actually made him angry.  He was aware enough to not spank me in anger.  Not that the lines won’t mean more spanking later, but, at least he will be calm.

I know he purposely left me my internet time today to serve as further punishment.  It isn’t lost on me that while they are partying it up, I am spending time doing the very things that got me on restriction to begin with.   Part of me wants to show him by not even logging on.  But, he did say, “you will use this time to do what you want online.”  It wasn’t a suggestion.  Plus the writing always helps me vent.    

I have never felt so upset over my discipline.  I don’t agree with it, I feel it is excessive, he is treating me like a child.  I am so good to him.  I have accepted all the restrictions without complaint.  I deserve to go to the party.   Just spank me and get over it.  I am not a child. 

NOT A CHILD!
I get the irony.  Spanking me somehow isn’t treating me like a child, but not allowing me to go to a party is?   Well, bite me!   Yes, Mike spanks me, disciplines me in other ways, scolds me, instructs me, etc.  I concede they are consistent with describing a parental authority figure.  There is no explaining or convincing anyone – you just have to be someone who is fulfilled by being submissive to understand it.  This particular course of discipline has me feeling like I am being treated like a child.

IF NOT A CHILD, STOP BEHAVING LIKE ONE
I admit it!  I am sure at least one of you out there was already thinking it.  My feelings match my behavior and thinking.  I am behaving and thinking like a child.  I am upset because I am not getting what I want!   There, I said it.  Is that so bad?  I want to be there.  

SUBMISSION FAILING ME
I want to behave the right way, I want to accept this the right way, I want to submit to his decision — even if it is uncomfortable to do so.  That is what submission is.  blah blah blah.  Sorry, I feel what I feel and currently my feelings goes beyond being uncomfortable.  I am mad!

Disagreeing with Mike feels awful, like I am undermining my submission.  It’s like I can feel my emotions are betraying my devotion to Mike, but I can’t stop them.  I am still mad and I still feel I should be at the party!

It disturbs me that I am upset with Mike for “doing this to me,” and it disturbs me that my heart, my attitude, and my commitment towards submission isn’t helping me deal with this difficulty.    I am disturbed because I know that isn’t the “right way” to feel, but screw it, that’s how I feel.

Take a breath — remind myself that anger isn’t an emotion.  Anger covers up emotions.  So, what is it that I am feeling that is triggering the anger?

JEALOUSY?
I am not jealous of Kayla. I am happy she gets to attend. I know she looked forward to it, not just the social aspect of course, but the sexual exploration.  Three men!  I do wish I could be there for that.  I trust Mike, as does Kayla, but it would be prudent to have another set of eyes and ears focused on how Kayla was doing – namely, MY eyes and ears.  See, it isn’t just for me that I should be there.  It would benefit Kayla!

I do feel jealous of Mike!  This is very odd for me and it surprises me.  I don’t like this feeling, but it is there none-the-less.  Why does HE get to attend and I don’t?  Why does he get to enjoy our annual day of fun and I don’t?

As I think more about it, I do feel jealousy towards Mike, Kayla, John and Donna.  Why do people I love get to have such fun and new experiences without me when I am supposed to be there and deserve to be there?

ISOLATION?
I’ve had a week of feeling isolated.  Sure, physically I’ve been home and others have been around.  But the restrictions served to isolate me.  I feel like there will be this constant reminder of missing this party.  All of them are sure to talk of it and share their stories.  I don’t want to relive missing out on it by hearing their stories.   There will be the inevitable, “Hey Jen, remember that Super Bowl  when…”  and then it will be like, “Oh yeah, you weren’t there.”   

I’ve been crying since they left, wallowing in my misery!  And yes, I fully identify with the feeling of isolation right now.

NOT WORTHY? 
It’s like Mike pushed me aside and doesn’t want me to enjoy what is our traditional and expected day and evening of fun.  He will throw that tradition away for what?  To make a point about my behavior?

I try to remind myself that submitting to Mike’s discipline has been a good thing.  Pre-DD, if there was something I disagreed with this strongly, believe me, it would have meant yelling and screaming – days, if not weeks of resentment.  Now THAT was childish.  Not only did that mean lots of emotional anguish, but it was often very hard to fully heal from those types of arguments.

Ah!  To heal.  That’s a great word. 

Maybe it’s time to focus on that.  Time to try and focus on healing my misery.  

I ask myself a simple question regarding my anger. Can submission lead me to find healing?” 

Next:  220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline

192. Vanquishing Negativity

192

Failure to understand the problem impedes any attempts to solve it.

If you’ve read enough of my posts, especially ones I’ve filed under Random Ruminations, I am someone who gets to the bottom of what I am feeling.  I keep at it until I am satisfied that I can reconcile what it was that triggered that emotion.   The reason I am that way is because I believe negative feelings are always symptoms of a problem. They are never the problem themselves.  Shining the brightest possible light on your feelings will help you get to the root of the problem.   

JENNY PSYCHOLOGY 
I am quick to play armchair psychologist.  I don’t have a degree in psychology, (but I was a school counselor and have a master’s in guidance and counseling).  So yeah, enough to play an expert on my blog.   No offense to you real experts out there.  Hey, if you disagree, then share your comments!

Example: “It makes me angry when you do x.”

You can deal with the symptom of anger by simply avoiding x.    Problem solved. Or is it?
More than likely, x will recur, and again you get angry.  In fact, other things may occur and you get angry at that as well.

Or, you can find out why x makes you angry.  You are likely to find it was rooted in far more than x.  There was a y and z that you didn’t realize were there.  Now address the root causes of  y and z, and suddenly, not only does x no longer anger you, but you are no longer unsettled by y and z that were subconsciously nagging at you.   Result- you are a happier you!

FIND YOUR TRUTH (Hint: it isn’t always going to easily reveal itself)
The challenge is having an open and honest dialogue with yourself.  Typically, this is where it goes wrong as the first fault is typically yours.  You fail to be honest with yourself, thus you justify your anger instead of confronting it.  To successfully confront it, you need to ask yourself “Why?” and whatever the answer, ask yourself again, “But why?” and then again, “But why?”  Keep doing it until whatever you are thinking soundly resonates with your soul. That’s when you know you’ve found your truth.

If you are honest with yourself, now you have to deal with being honest with others, and they must be honest with you.  That’s two more potential faults to overcome.  And where does all this honesty come from so that you can avoid the faults?   Hey, if you read my blog, I don’t have to say it.  Here it comes.  It’s that “V” word again. Vulnerability.  Many, many posts dedicated to that topic (just Google ddjennifer vulnerability). Lastly, sometimes all the vulnerability and honesty just aren’t enough.  That’s where I was with this.  I was stuck in trying to reconcile what I was feeling.   

I realized that I typically post about my feelings after I have reconciled them.  Thus, I probably come across as always joyful, always positive, etc.  Well, I am a joyful and positive person, but of course there are times I have to deal with stuff. 

This time, I posted before I worked through my issues.  Reason being was I was feeling stuck.  In other words, despite my best efforts I wasn’t connecting to the core of what I was truly feeling.  I had to really work through reconciling my feelings over the events I shared on my last post.    Writing about it helped. After I wrote about it, it just took one final talk with the three of us and it all started to come into focus.

REALIZATIONS
Here is a summary of the “mental walk” I went on:

PART 1:  My feelings about Kayla

  • Sex that is raw, wild, and even crude, is not unfamiliar to me.  The three of us have been plenty “freaky.”  We have watched and have been watched by each other.  So it wasn’t the “rawness” that bothered me regarding Kayla, I am sure of that.
  • I believe for me it “crossed a line” because it encroached on the “sanctity” of the Discipline Ceremony and Discipline Integrity.  However, those terms are unique to my Contract, not Kayla’s. 
  • While Kayla’s submission has always been a “deeper, darker” submission than mine, until that moment her punishments still followed in the spirit of my ceremony and integrity.
  • Part of what I was feeling was disconnected from what was happening.  That disturbed me.  But as I think about it now, I don’t have a right to require such as connection.  That connection is a bonus.  It is not an obligation that Mike or Kayla have towards me. 
  • Her needs are different from mine. She is not me.  Mike has been phenomenal in treating us based on our unique needs and personalities.  I do not want Kayla to be treated like me, nor do I want to be treated like her.   
  • My feelings that were at the root of my lack of compersion for what Kayla was experiencing were reasonable in the moment.  It was just something I never experienced before so it shook me a little.  I was thinking, “Does she really like that?” “Is that what she wants?”   
  • Upon reflection, I see those questions were rooted in a bit of selfishness on my part.  “I” didn’t like that.  “I” don’t want that.  Thus, my selfish feelings disconnected me from the joy I normally feel for Kayla’s pleasure.     
  • I rejoice in Kayla’s happiness with her dynamic with Mike.  I believe if I were to witness that incident again, I will feel joy for Kayla.

Part 2:  My feelings about Mike

  • Although the rawness and forcefulness no longer bothered me regarding Kayla, it still bothered me regarding Mike.  It was like I was watching a part of him I hadn’t seen before.  That was unsettling as we’ve been married 26 years and experienced a lot of things sex-wise. 
  • Clearly, I did not like watching him delivering discipline and having sex in the manner he was doing it.  But my initial reaction was more than just dislike.  The word that resonated when I thought of it was “safe.”  In that moment, I didn’t feel safe. In other words, I felt threatened.   Now that I had a word for my feeling, I can work on resolution. 
  • To clarify, feeling threatened is not the same as feeling jealous, although they are close cousins of one another.  Feeling threatened can come from jealousy, but it can come from other places to.  
  • In this case, since I most connected to the word “safe” I believe the threatening feeling was rooted in fear. Fear in that this was what Mike liked. This was what he wants. Not from Kayla, but from me.  And since I did not have any positive feelings about what I was seeing, I was fearful that I could soon be in Kayla’s place, experiencing that kind of sex with discipline.  
  • I will do a lot of things for Mike that are not what I would choose absent Mike’s demands.   The act of doing them is an act of submission.   The boundless joy and fulfillment I get from the submission completely negates any thoughts about my own preferences.  My overarching preference is to do as he demands, not do as I prefer absent his demands.  BUT — 
  • There are limits.  And this is one of them.  Mike and I talked about not mixing sex with discipline. I even wrote a little bit about it back in April 2016, as sex started to intertwine with our DD (POST 14).   We never talked a whole lot about it because our early talks were very clear and we understood each other.  Thus, it was a non-issue until this incident.  
  • Mike and I had an honest discussion and he agreed that we would continue to keep sex and discipline distinct in our DD.  He said he had no desire to mix them and in addition, knows that I don’t either.  
  • Mike is not promising he won’t do this again.  He might incorporate the two with Kayla, but now feels this should be relegated to a rare exception.  While Kayla enjoyed it, as did he, he understands the value of keeping them separate.  In fact, he said that after seeing how Kayla reacted– she was very into it–  withholding sex when she is getting turned on by the discipline will serve as another punishment all by itself. He just will have to be more diligent with any urges he is feeling.  

So there you have it.  I fully accept what happened.  In hindsight I am pleased that it worked for Kayla and Mike.  Further, I can accept a recurrence of it, with the caveat that it remains an exception.  I still believe I will have an issue with it if it were an everyday thing.  Both Mike and Kayla understand why that is, and at this point they agree that they don’t want it to be a “go to” thing.  With that, I am closing the file on this emotional incident and stamping it, “Vanquished!”

BUT WHY?
P.S.  This post didn’t get into why I want to keep sex and discipline distinct.  The three of us had a lot to share about that.  Suffice to say, it’s just how I am wired.  Since there was consensus, we saw no need to dive further into why it should or shouldn’t be distinct.  Such a deeper dive would have been necessary if Mike or Kayla felt differently.  I wonder what the discussion would have been if we needed this deeper dive, but there is no value in speculating.   Everyone is happy with the outcome.  That is, assuming we were open, honest, and vulnerable to each other,   Based on our history, I feel confident we were.

NEXT: 193. Lovebirds and Spankings

89. Spanking jealousy away

flung
I last left you with my finding my “truth” regarding some negative feelings that crop up now and then regarding Donna and Kayla.  It has been very liberating to have identified the “enemy” within and constructively deal with efforts to purge it.   It’s a process, but all I have to say is “I am getting that feeling” and whether I am talking to Mike, Donna, Kayla, or some combination of the three or all three, they all lovingly and supportingly ask me to elaborate.   They don’t do it in a “good grief, there she goes with her stupid reaction…”    As I stated before, they recognize it as my “truth” and allow me to express what I am feeling at that moment of truth.   Saying it out loud is very healing.  It reinforces what I “logically know is true” which, repeated and shared enough in positive, affirming ways, should eventually evolve into what I “emotionally feel is true.”

I can already sense the feeling of jealousy is feeling less like jealousy and more like envy.  Both are still bad, but to me, jealousy is more toxic.  To me, jealousy feels like I am threatened and my mind goes into “fight or flight” mode or a “protect what I have” mode.  My heart races faster, the volume of my voice goes up, my mind needs immediate resolution of this dire situation.  It’s like envy+fear+anger.   Envy on the other hand, is just wanting what someone else has.  Envy has a touch of melancholy to it that jealousy doesn’t have.  It doesn’t demand immediate resolution.  It still isn’t fun, but it is not nearly as toxic as jealousy.

I find I get that feeling whenever I feel like I don’t have control, the glaring exception being the control I have voluntarily given up to Mike as his submissive.  One thing we learned is that with just a few words Mike can take this negative feeling that starts to bubble inside me and squash it with a firm command.  It’s like being submissive to him gives me all the permission I need to let go of trying to control anything.

Should I be punished for feeling jealous?
I had a conversation with Mike about what we should do when I have “those feelings (jealously/resentment).  Should I be punished?  Mike said that punishment felt wrong to him in this situation.  I respectfully disagreed.  I told him that punishments and submission have been very effective at reminding me of my commitments, which I value and cherish.  They help me internalize the fact I can’t and don’t want to control everything.  They focus me on our loving family and all the things I am grateful for.  So when I self-report that I got “that feeling” again, I am open to any punishment if he decides to give it.

So Mike got an idea for a special “jealousy” punishment.  He didn’t tell me what it was and said he would tell me when it became time to deliver it.  Well, that didn’t take long.

Donna shared with me some plans she and John are making for an upcoming vacation. They are deciding between several fun options ranging from a ski trip to possibly the Bahama’s, or a Southern California/LasVegas get away.  Their options are limited only by their time and money.  I got jealous of that. Mike and I could afford such trips, but it is the challenge of either finding someone to watch J, which I prefer not to do unless absolutely necessary, or finding a vacation that can both accommodate his physical needs and provide him a positive experience.  Again, really dumb for me to feel that way, but that’s my “truth” for now.

My Punishment
I shared this with Mike and he sent me to my room with a writing assignment of sorts.  I had 20 minutes to hand write a list of all the people and things I am grateful for and why – and I can’t repeat any of the “why’s.”  I was starting with a baseline of 100 spankings which would be delivered by hand and with “various” force, per Mike.  (Hand spankings are my favorite!).  He would then take off one spanking for each item I was grateful for.

At first I thought, no problem, that’s just 5 things per minute. I would be able to do that and not get spanked.  It was way harder than I thought.   The list of people and things were easy, but the “why” part was hard, especially as the list grew and I couldn’t repeat my reasons why.  After whipping (no pun intended) through about 15 in no time, I started to take longer and longer.  Penmanship always counts on writing punishments, so if I don’t write very neatly it doesn’t get counted. Plus, I didn’t have access to a thesaurus!

I got to 48, which I was very proud of.  Mike took off three because of sloppy writing, thus, I was left with 65 spankings.  I went over his knee and with Donna watching he delivered the 65.  At around 20-25 it began to sting, and starting around 40 it was beginning to be unbearable and I was flinging my body around quite a bit.  I actually like it when Mike holds me tightly and wraps his legs around mine to keep me from wriggling.  Then with about 10 to go he ramped up the force and finished with very hard ones. My ass was very red.

And that was that.  Mike said he had some variations of this in mind for future “jealousy” punishments, perhaps with different writing topics and different spanking implements.   Is it right for me to admit I kinda’ am looking forward to it?

Next: 90. Delightfully Naughty – Mike’s Date Night with Donna.