376. Encouraging your captain to lead

I have a dozen or so folks email me on a fairly regular basis. Most are women, but a few are men and even couples. And most of them reach out for my thoughts on improving their DD dynamic. Some are newbies struggling to calibrate their needs and desires with those of their partner while others are veterans who have hit a snag for various reasons.

I don’t consider myself an “advice” type person. I mean, I have opinions and ideas, but relationships in general are far too complex for me to give anyone solid advice via email. But squishy advice? Sure! LOL. Seriously. It’s even more difficult with the extra helpings of insecurities, guilt, longing, and frustration that often come with Domestic Discipline or Dom/sub dynamics or anything but straight vanilla stuff.

COMMUNICATE: Calibrate / be Vulnerable!

The biggest challenge I hear about is in calibration – the needs of one person is not being met. Typically, the lack of agreement as to what one is willing to give to the other person is because neither person has clearly articulated their needs and desires. It’s impossible to reconcile this if someone isn’t being honest with their feelings.

The answer isn’t about trying to persuade the other person into your way of thinking. Doing so could set the stage for resentment that would eventually rear it’s head somewhere down the line. It isn’t about persuading, but about explaining. In my experience, a loving couple is always able to work out something that satisfies both people. It just takes real talking. It’s that vulnerability thing I post about all the time. Open communication that exposes all of you, your thoughts, your dreams, your desires. The more vulnerable people are to each other, the closer they become and the easier it is to calibrate each others needs and each others ability to fulfill those needs.

It often means one or both people have to adjust their expectations regarding what they truly want and what they are willing to give to the other person. Such adjustments aren’t made through force or surrender, but through love and understanding. Of course, some relationships can only take that so far. It’s no different than any other aspect of a relationship. If something is of paramount importance and is unfilled, well, the relationship can just erode to shit.

STRUGGLING DOM?

Contrary to what most people think, it isn’t uncommon for the Dom to be the reluctant one at the start of a DD journey. They fear becoming an arrogant self-absorbed sadistic dickhead. Too many people equate being a Head of Household or Dom to being some or all those things. If that is their fear, they have a gross misconception on what their role should be.

To truly be a leader of the household, you have to be a good listener, and demonstrate skills like consistency, empathy, conscientiousness, wisdom, assertiveness, self-assurance, tough mindedness, high standards, and emotional strength and stability. See, pretty easy, huh?

Of course, that’s not easy. I wrote of this over three years ago in 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. It isn’t easy for men who have never been asked to be that type of person in their marriage or relationship.

Then, to add to their challenges, I find that way too often the sub will undermine the very dynamic they are asking for. It’s like telling your mate you want “z” from them and every time they give you “z” you disapprove and say, “How dare you?” Then you start complaining that they aren’t being consistent in giving you “z.”

And sometimes it is subtle. And that’s where I thought I could throw in some tips that can help ensure you aren’t unintentionally undermining the leadership of your Dom.

TIPS FROM JEN (and elsewhere)

I did a web search for inspiration to help me succinctly organize my thoughts, else this would be just another long ass post of Jen ramblings. [Hmmm, Jen. Too late, it already is]. Who said that?

Anyway, I came across a site that so aptly explained things, that instead of “borrowing heavily” (i.e. copying a lot), I felt it best to just link you there.

GIRL GAME: Encouraging your Captain to Lead, from The Red Pill Room.

This site isn’t being kept up, but it is full of great content. That particular post from 2014 is spot on regarding things a submissive does that undermines her Dom. I am not saying there aren’t things a Dom can do that undermines his authority, but perhaps that will be for another post. This one is about things the sub can do to ensure they aren’t undermining their Dom.

Oh, quick disclaimer. I know my writing, as well as that Red Pill site, write from the perspective of the woman as the submissive. I don’t do that in ignorance that such relationships can have the genders in any role. It’s just as a woman who is a submissive wife, the submissive female happens to be the perspective I know best and from which I write.

To summarize and comment on the Red Pill Room post:

1. Make your expectations clear
   This may sound like a very UN-submissive thing, but it is actually very submissive in that it shows you respect his leadership and are reinforcing that it is something you cherish.
   
2. No wrong answers
   Men can be tentative, especially at the beginning of a DD journey. That tentativeness can result in their feeling rejected anytime you correct them. A big reason couples fail early on in DD is that the Dom is made to feel like they are doing it all wrong.
   
3. No backseat driving
   Similar to #2, once he has decided something, don’t pick at it, don’t alter it, don’t add to it. Just comply.
   
   That doesn’t mean you can’t clarify in order to ensure you understood his intentions. But there are ways to frame your questions such that they sound condescending or infer your rejection. For example, “What does THAT mean?” Ug. No good. Instead, offer your meaning to him and let him clarify, reject, or accept it. “What I understood that to mean is …. is that correct?”
   
   Oh, make that, “Is that correct, Sir.” hee-hee.
   
   #2 and #3 is where I found Maintenance to be of vital importance. If there is something I take exception to, or feel I need to better understand, I try to never question it in the moment. In the moment I comply because my compliance reinforces his leadership. Days later, at Maintenance, I can then ask, “Do you remember when you asked me to do x? I was wondering….” Respectful questions and inquiry are tremendously helpful in building his confidence and giving him the ability to improve without you explicitly directing that improvement.
   
4. Failure is part of the process.
   Success is never final, and failure is never fatal. We learn the most from failures. He can fail without feeling he is being a dick if we encourage his leadership and stay positive and stay focused on the successes.
   
5. Reward and Support
   Celebrate and reward victories! Reinforce all the behaviors you seek from your man. As for the defeats? Don’t rehash them. Instead, use them as opportunities to strengthen his leadership because if you accept his mistakes, he will gain confidence to take your dynamic to more victories.
   
   It fits in with my Golden Rule of DD as shared in 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & Golden Rule of DD. That Golden Rule is that those embarking on this dynamic should always recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, that means giving praise. For the Sub, it means giving thanks.

The fulfillment you should get from your dynamic is far greater than the agony of some temporary defeat. If that’s not the case, then clearly there are things the relationship needs to work on. And yes, maybe, just maybe, this dynamic isn’t for you.

Some people just like the “idea” of it, but none of the reality. If so, then relegate it to a part-time/kinky thing or simply fantasy. Nothing wrong with that! The point in a relationship is to find ways to fulfill each other and to have fun in exploring what fulfills the both of you, even if there are some missteps along the way.

And whether you agree with my lifestyle or not, taking the plunge into Domestic Discipline has been the most fulfilling adventure of my life. . . besides motherhood.

Next: 377. Yes. No. Maybe – Starting your Domestic Discipline

366. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

Kayla had a birthday this week. She’s 26. It’s so amazing to experience who she is today and to have been part of the journey that brought her to this point. We also recently had our 2nd anniversary as … well, as I don’t know what you would call it? Publicly bonded triad? I’ll save the Kayla and family update for another post. This one will be about the person I know best. Me!

I want to dive right in to the fulfillment I get from being a submissive wife in Domestic Discipline.

MY MARRIAGE

While I will focus mainly on how I feel about me, I want to start with what it means to my marriage. DD has taken the intimacy level to immeasurable heights. I don’t just mean sexually. By being 100% vulnerable to each other, we both feel completely safe and secure to reveal the truth about ourselves to each other. By being totally free to express our needs, desires, and whims, with the sometimes illogical origins, we are actually revealing the “walls” that are around us. And by revealing them to each other, those walls disappear. As I’ve written many times, the result is, we are one, but not the same (cue U2).

Vulnerability is an amazing thing. Maybe I will post about it some time. — If you are new here, I’ve done like a bazillion posts about the power of vulnerability. Go to my shortcuts and there are nine of them referenced in my Nine Thoughts on Finding Happiness.

ME

To sum up all that submission gives me — It shrinks the world!

It simplifies, synthesizes, and purifies. It filters out all the noise and leaves me able to focus singularly on what is truly important to me.

It gives me structure, and the more rules I have, the more secure I feel.

It provides me clear standards at which to measure my moments and my days.

It gives me time and energy, as I no longer do things that are unimportant, frivolous, or uninspiring.

It makes me accountable to the people that are most important to me and through accountability I am fulfilled and redeemed.

It gives me an incredible amount of love, devotion, and attention from Mike. He is deeply invested in my day-to-day activities like never before.

The sex is incredible! Just sayin’.

Yes, in order to get all those things I have had to give up some things as well. I gave up various powers in exchange for all of the above. Best deal I’ve ever made!

Serving Mike as I do was not done on a whim. We didn’t get to where we are overnight. It was a choice I initially made, and he subsequently made. It filled me with a freedom unlike any I had ever felt. It was absent any pressure or outside urgency. It just felt right from the beginning through today. We somehow found something in each other that we didn’t even know was missing within us and between us. We both offered parts of ourselves that no one had ever offered us nor that we had ever offered each other.

It’s NOT EASY. It’s hard work, dedication, devotion, determination, kindness, and empathy. The hardest part? It’s honesty and communication at a 100% transparent level. It’s the removal of all boundaries between two people. It’s a willingness to explore each other, allow each other to explore the world around us, and explore ourselves all without judgment or fear from the other.

OUT OF OUR VULNERABILITIES CAME OUR STRENGTHS!

And if I had to do it again, my choices would have remained the same.

submissive wife

This. Is. Who. I. Am!

P.S. Did I mention the sex is incredible?

Net: 367. NO-vember: Orgasm Control

292. Kayla’s Triad Thursday Declaration

I’ve promised a return to sharing more kink.  Forget family time!  It’s time to appeal to more prurient interests.   Yeah, be honest, that is why you read a blog like this! 

Well, I guess I lied.  You’ll have to wait for one more post.  This one will be the set up for the sizzling and salacious, the depraved and degenerate, the indecent and impure, the. . . well, you get the picture.  It sets the stage for the “fun” stuff, in this case, a punishment.   Yeah, I am flipping the Jenny script and sharing the aftermath of a punishment, then I’ll share the details of the punishment on the next post.    

This isn’t even about a punishment I received, it is Kayla’s.  What?  “In three months of no posting you didn’t receive a single noteworthy spanking?”    Yep.  I mean, not that I wasn’t spanked, but nothing noteworthy.  Anything I share of the last two or three months would be indistinguishable from other posts about punishments.  I can’t motivate myself to write about something that is so derivative of prior posts.  So instead, I will write about Kayla.  What makes it noteworthy is that it marks an evolution in our relationship.   

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES
Like most relationship changes, they come slowly and as part of a change in someone.  The “initiator” recognizes a need for change before the other person does.  The initiator often stays silent for some time as they first try to understand and reconcile what that change means for themselves.   Even once they do, they sometimes are unsure how to articulate exactly what this change is.  Then there is some trigger, a tipping point, and they verbalize this change.  

In this case, the tipping point involved a punishment Mike gave Kayla.  I’ll share the details in the next post, but basically, it surprised me.  Not in its severity – it was not severe. It was just very different. 

I’ve learned to trust Mike and not question or worry about Kayla in regards to her discipline.  In fact, it was exactly a year ago that I learned that lesson well re Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.  That lesson was about learning to approach my concerns from a point of curiosity and of seeking clarity.   This was especially important when it came to issues dealing with Kayla and my concern that Mike remain on point with providing the discipline she wants and needs.  

TRIAD THURSDAY – KAYLA’S DECLARATION
We’ve started calling our Thursday Maintenance sessions “Triad Thursday” since, about eight months ago, we turned this into a family meeting of sorts with me, Mike, and Kayla all coming together for Maintenance.   As Kayla’s punishment in question happened on a Thursday, I felt it was a great opportunity to find clarity and resolve my concerns. 

Kayla’s reaction to my inquiry surprised me.   She said something like, 

“Jen, this is a great example of something that’s been bothering me but I haven’t been able to put my finger on.  I know you love me and are only looking out for me, but that’s the thing, I don’t need you to be looking out for me that way.   At least, not when it comes to the things Sir says or does to me.  Even though your questions are respectful, it still hurts me to have you question his disciplining of me.   If you want to know how I feel about a punishment I received, you can ask me.  Don’t bring it to a Maintenance.  This is not a Maintenance issue.”

Followed by. . . 

 “I want to be treated more like a wife to both of you than a “lesser third in a Triad. I don’t want you as a mother, I want you as a friend, a partner, a confidant, a lover.”

Wow.   Yep. Those were her words.  She said it didn’t come out exactly how she intended, but, that yeah, the essence of it is all in there.  It’s hard to hear someone say that.  Your mind just hears, “I don’t want you.”  Thus, my defenses were triggered, but fortunately, my defensiveness didn’t last long.  I credit my years of training as a counselor and my generous and empathetic heart.  Yep, it had absolutely nothing to do with the stern look and word my initial response got from Mike. 

Brushing aside my bruised ego, what quickly ensued was a meaningful dialogue between the three of us.  I’ll spare the blow-by-blow, but it was positive, constructive, and loving.  The short version is this — Our relationship with Kayla is two years old, and Kayla is now 24.   While she was always mature beyond her years, she has grown a lot in those two years.  And ” a lot” is an understatement.   Her needs have changed.  Not as it relates to her submission, but as it relates to me.   

I had given up on being a disciplinarian to Kayla some time ago.  Part due to my own needs as a submissive and part due to her no longer desiring it.   And when she first moved in with us I was very much a “helicopter girlfriend” as I was very concerned for her well being.   And while I didn’t do this nearly as much, I still hovered over her needs in a motherly sort of way.   She was declaring her independence from my motherly type concerns for her.   Good for her!   And because I have been prone to sarcasm, I’ll state that there was no sarcasm in that statement.  Only pride, joy and love.  

SECOND WIFE?
We have been using the term “second wife” for a while in describing Mike’s relationship with Kayla.  Mostly in jest, but there is a tinge of seriousness to it, as there often is in humor.  But we had never once used that word to describe her relationship with me.   But she was right.  What has been evolving, and what her declaration just formalized, is that indeed, our relationship has crossed over to be more of that of “spousal peers.”   That was the term I came up with and she said, “Yeah, that’s it, that’s what I am trying to articulate.”     

It isn’t that she didn’t appreciate how she was treated before — she loved how we have treated her and credits it with her tremendous growth as a person.  It is simply that her needs have changed, and she is looking to be treated in a way that is consistent with her current needs.     

She is no longer that young woman who wants or needs my protection.  She is simply that young woman who wants and needs my love.  I should not go to Mike when I have a concern about Kayla that I have not yet shared with Kayla.  That is no different than how Kayla has treated me since the beginning.

While “wife” has legal connotations, it also has a lot of emotional ones.  And Kayla expressed she wanted the mantle of that title, not just between her and Mike, but between me and her. . . albeit an informal, non-legally binding title.   And for her it isn’t about any of the legal rights bestowed on that title. She is not interested in any of that.  She is interested in the standing it gives her in our family dynamic regarding how she is treated by me and by Mike.  It was easy to grant her this and both Mike and I committed to treating her this way from now one, whole-heartedly.   

There were no ill feelings from our conversation.  I truly lost my defensive feelings very quickly.  In addition, Mike reminded me how important it was for me to be so involved in her discipline and be overly sensitive to her needs in the early days of the relationship.  Even if I wasn’t administering discipline, I was often providing feedback to Mike, and not just because I would easily give it, but because he would frequently seek it.   While Kayla credits Mike for how wonderful of a Dom he is for her, Mike was quick to remind her that it came with a lot of insights from me.   

With a little reflection, any bruised ego or defensiveness I felt was quickly replaced with positive feelings.  Kayla’s “declaration” is part of the success of her growth that I have played a part in.  Far from feeling defensive, I feel admiration, love, pride, and joy – both to and from Kayla.  

Now, I know most of you pervs are saying, “Finally, you made your point.  Now, just tell us what the hell Kayla did and how she was summarily punished for it!”   Next post!

Post.  Love is not Pie

269. Turn up the cuck – Whoring me out?

If you read my blog, you know that I have a sort of “boyfriend” in Matt.  He is Mike’s friend and former co-worker that we have known for years.  With Mike’s encouragement, Matt and I go out on dates and have sex – sometimes with Mike watching and sometimes with Mike participating.   Most recently, Mike was out of town on business and Matt stayed with me at my house for two nights.   And now Mike has “turned up the cuck.” 

EVOLVING RELATIONSHIP
My relationship with Matt has always been based on sex, but originally it was probably 50/50 on sex and friendship.  I enjoyed his company and friendship and yes, enjoyed a lot of sex.  But the relationship has evolved to be more and more sexual, maybe 90%.  Yes, I still like him as a person and enjoy his company, but we don’t do as many “friendship” things date-wise.  When we get together, it is mostly just for sex.   And that’s how Mike like’s it.  In fact, his latest edict puts us at more at 95% or even 100% sexual relationship. 

MIKE’S EDICT
Mike told me I am to be “on call” for Matt, anytime, unless Mike tells me to say no.  Simply put, I am Matt’s sex toy, ready on demand to pleasure him.  The result is that Matt has come by my house on his lunch hour for an “afternoon delight” and has twice called me to come over to his place for a quick “suck and fuck.” 

A few days ago Mike told me Matt was getting off work a little early and I was to be at his place waiting for him, naked, blindfolded, and kneeling (I have a key to his place).  Further, I was not to say a word.  I could only speak if Matt asked me something.  I complied.

Matt never said a word to me except, “You can go now.”   He entered his apartment and soon after I felt his penis on my lips.  After sucking his cock for a bit, he stood me up and fucked me against the wall, putting me back on my knees in time to cum in my mouth.  He then said I could leave and he left the room.  I never laid eyes on him.  I got dressed, and left.  

It was thrilling and exciting for me.  My thrill is in knowing Mike arranged and wanted this.  And it felt very dirty, in a naughty, taboo, exciting sort of way.   I do enjoy sex with Matt – it feels great!  But my greatest pleasure is not the orgasms, it is knowing that it gets Mike off.   And doing what I just did, knowing it was Mike’s wish — yummy!

HOW I FEEL
I feel a bit used, like a sex object, like I am not valued beyond my mouth and pussy.  But – mixed in with that, I feel excited, energized, and yes, fulfilled.   Such is the dichotomy of submission!  I am doing what Mike wants and serving to fulfill his fantasies.  It is a weird mix of emotions. 

Let’s not sugar coat it and call this what it is.  Yes, my submission has come to a point where my husband can whore me out if he wishes.  I am 100% okay with that.   I love fulfilling Mike’s fantasies of seeing me as a sexual being, fully giving myself sexually to anything he requests.  I granted this power to Mike starting in October 2015, when we added the “Sexual Obedience” clause to our Agreement (a clause that remains a part of our current Agreement).  It reads in part:

• Mike may demand any sexual or physical act to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Jennifer may use the next Maintenance Session to air her concerns and request any modifications or cessation of a particular act that Mike demanded.  Mike shall comply with Jennifer’s request.  

Mike frequently asks me how I am feeling about this.  You probably think I shared all sorts of concerns with him.  I only shared one.  I am concerned that being at Matt’s call could impact my performance of my Duties and Obligations as it interferes with my schedule. 

Mike told me that I should consider Matt as simply another “chore” and it was a chore to be prioritized over others.  Mike also reminded me it wasn’t “my” schedule, as my time belongs to him (boy o’ boy he really tickled my submissive spot when he said that!).

Mike was admittedly surprised that my only concern was the demands on my (his) time. I reassured him that was the case and that I would let him know if my feelings change.  I shared with him that I want him to feel free in knowing it doesn’t have to be enough for him to simply know he has this power over me is  – he can feel free to actually exercise this power.   

Even though we have been living DD for over three years, and have really adopted a more D/s dynamic over the last two, sometimes I think it helps to reassure Mike that indeed I not just accept him Dominance, but I want it and encourage it.  And as far as the Sexual Obedience clause goes, I wanted to use this opportunity to reassure him he can explore whatever desires or fantasies he has.   

To which Mike replied, “Thank you for stating that.  Hearing you say that always helps me maintain confidence in my decisions.  And, it makes me that much more excited about our upcoming Immersion.”     

Oh my!   What does he have planned?

Next: 270.  I am not dead yet!

267. Free to be: Seeking Domestic Discipline

I wrote in my last post I had a lunch date that I was a little late to.  It was with my friend Valerie – one of my “lunch bunch” friends.   And what of Mike’s instructions of me?  I shared that he told me not to wear panties and he gave me one other instruction.  More on that “instruction” in a bit.

I found my friends situation fascinating, thus this post.  My fascination is less about her interest in Domestic Discipline and more about her fears, thus this post isn’t so much about “look at what she did,” and more about, “Wow, we often get in our own way when we try to seek fulfillment.”   

VALERIE
She’s a former co-worker, a few years younger than me, married just over 20 years, and a newly crowned “empty nester.”  If you read Post 222 you know I’ve come out to my friends about basically everything.  This prompted Valerie to talk with me privately about her own needs and desires.    

Valerie confided that she has always been a bit submissive with her husband.  Not in a D/s sort of way – deferring a lot to him and being more traditional in doing things for him.  She always got a thrill out of serving him, and even at times craved some discipline from him.  Not necessarily spanking, but she admitted to liking being scolded by him – something he doesn’t really do.  In fact, she described some of her behaviors to me that sounded an awful lot like “bratting,” to purposefully get a rise out her husband.

The concept of formal Domestic Discipline was foreign to her.  She always thought it was a role play thing, not a way of life thing, until she learned otherwise from me.   She has been in a heavily reflective mood with the last kid now out of the house.  Energized by my story, she feels she must do something to fulfill her needs.  She believes it is a great time to reinvent and reinvigorate her marriage.  

She wants to completely “come clean” on her past bisexual experiences as well as her current desires for DD – she wants to become completely vulnerable to him.  It is a scary thing, and not easy to do, thus she is looking to me for support.

HER MOTIVATION – “FREE TO BE”
She told me that they have always had a tendency to be a bit reserved with each other.  She figures after 20+ years of marriage, it’s a good time to stop being shy about various needs and desires.  She wants them to both feel “free to be” as she put it.  In my words, she is anxious to take all of who they actually are and present the “FULL” version of themselves to the other –  all their experiences, all their desires.  In essence, to finally be 100% vulnerable to each other.   

WHAT’S THE HOLD UP?
I have been talking to Valerie for three months and she still lacks the confidence to talk to her husband.  She called me over to her house to have lunch because she thinks she is finally ready, but needs a final pep talk.  I found it interesting to categorize all her excuses for not talking to him yet.  It illustrates just how hard open communication (vulnerability) can be. 

Fear of Rejection
She is afraid he might get angry, even though she admits it is unlike him to do so… but in her mind, “what if?”  This fear is hard to overcome, especially if you. . .

Lack of self-confidence
To allow yourself to be vulnerable you have to love yourself first.  While you need a good dose of self-esteem and self-confidence, you don’t have to think of yourself as Wonder Woman.  Just a generally good feeling about yourself and recognize the positive qualities you bring to the relationship.  It also means you don’t need your partner to define who you are or to complete you.   If you lack confidence, your insecurities will impact your mutual happiness.

In talking with Valerie I observed that none of her insecurities were rooted in anything her husband has ever said or done.  He sounds like a very loving partner.  Her insecurities were more rooted in her concerns over being judged by society, by her parents, and religious issues.  Keep in mind her parents are both deceased – but she still seeks their approval.   It was clear, in her mind, society, her parents, and her religion, has reinforced that she is not entitled to express herself or ask for what she wants.  She is basically to suffer, as that suffering is righteous and therefore fulfilling.   Ug!

We talked a lot about her marriage and I suggested to her that everything she has described to me about their relationship indicates she should be very confident that her husband will lovingly respond.   It seems clear to me that he never wants her to suffer and would move mountains to insure she doesn’t.

Appearing needy, emotionally imperfect
She felt she shouldn’t have such strong desires to want certain things from him, that perhaps her desires were not rational.  Sharing them could expose her as weak or needy.

This seemed like a submissive catch-22 to me.  Because she has always been naturally submissive to him, she feels expressing her needs goes against her own nature.   I found myself virtually reciting from many of my past posts, such as my Doctrine of Submission, or in discussing how you can’t hold someone else responsible for your happiness.   This ties back to the self-confidence issue.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior / Mind reading
I discovered that the two of them have been arguing more and more lately, and Valerie admitted she was the instigator.  She wasn’t just saying that out of some default thinking that everything is her fault.  She said she recognizes that she has been doing things like the silent treatment or doing other things to elicit feelings of guilt on his part.  Her justification is, “he should be able to figure out that I need something.”  In other words, he should be a mind reader. 

She was able to rationalize how counter-productive her behaviors are, but, said she just can’t help it.  I told her in my experience, passive-aggressive behaviors often come from not being 100% present in the relationship – that is, not being 100% herself, not being vulnerable, not meeting her needs first and rarely expressing them.  I believe those behaviors will go away once she discloses all her feelings to him.

This also reminded me of my discussion with my sisters about what it means to be degrading, unfair, and unhealthy.   Valerie’s behaviors certainly qualify. 

I suggested that her passive-aggressive behaviors and resulting arguments would be the perfect conversation starter.  “I know I’ve been overly sensitive and frankly a bit mean lately.  It’s because I have been trying to reconcile some things in my mind.  I now realize I need your help in doing that.  Can we talk?” 

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
I told her that what I have learned over the past three years or so was that love was not enough in my marriage.  I didn’t just want Mike to love me.  I wanted Mike to help me discover who I am and to help achieve the best version of myself. 

That required a lot of honesty and openness, with both myself and with Mike.  And through our journey, I also helped Mike discover who he is and help him achieve the best version of himself.

FINAL THOUGHTS
If you recall, the prior post ended with Mike giving me two instructions.  One is that I could not wear panties on my visit, and the other…..

“Valerie, since you are considering allowing your husband to discipline you, it might help you to see what a good spanking can actually do.  First off, I am not wearing panties because Mike forbids it – such are the types of rules I agree to be subject to.   Secondly, he told me to show you the results of the spanking I got just before I left the house and that I was to fully share the extent of the discipline I received.”

I lifted my skirt and bent over, exposing my backside to her.  It was still red.  I stayed in that position as I explained the full extent of my discipline…the soaping and the spanking.  I put my skirt down and sat back down once I finished explaining it.

I asked her thoughts.  She said, “That’s exactly what I crave from my husband. Well, minus the pee stuff.”   

Ha!  Yeah, I get it.   That revelation can be… ready for it?  here it comes….  “hard to swallow.”   And with that, she said she felt ready to have that conversation that night.

HOW DID IT GO?
He apparently took it pretty well.  She told me he was upset with her for keeping it a secret and not trusting him enough to have told him earlier.  But, the next day, told her he had some things to share of his own.  She didn’t tell me what it was, but, in simple terms, it’s what I see in most healthy relationships — vulnerability gets reciprocated. 

The resulting conversations yielded them sharing not just sexual experiences of their past which they never shared before, but talking about current dreams and desires, sexual and otherwise.  She was light on details, but said their sex life has been in overdrive.  And as for Domestic Discipline, she said she would like me to come over and talk to her about my Contract, as they are wanting to codify her Duties and Obligations!

How delightful!

Next: 268. When the Dom is Gone, the subs Get it On. . . . . . and a spanking

259. More Mike

I recently gave updates on Matt and Kayla, so clearly I need to give an update on the most important person in my life – my husband Mike!  And in doing so, it is also an update on me and our relationship as a whole. 

If you have followed my journey since the beginning, you know that Mike has been amazing.  I got us into Domestic Discipline and while he had some reservations, he was willing to give it a try.  And try he did.

I am fortunate that he and I have stayed pretty much on the same page throughout our journey.  While I think our open communication has a lot to do with it, we have also just been lucky.

MIKE
Mike is happier than he has ever been in our marriage.  There is evidence beyond his demeanor, such as, he says it!  And it isn’t happiness of power, but happiness in the results of his influence – over me, over the family.   His satisfaction stems from seeing his significant investment of his emotional “equity” into our relationship pay off.    

I made a lot of the day-to-day decisions pre-DD, or at least heavily influenced Mike such that I usually got my way.   You may think it is easy to take the reigns of a household and start making decisions, but it isn’t.  In part it just wasn’t his nature — a nature that I influenced for 20+ years.  He also wasn’t confident in how I would react to his new role.  In other words, he was a bit hesitant and afraid of “being an asshole.”  I have never once thought such a thing.

I think Post 160 and Post 205 best sum of his evolution and how great he is.  Mike is timely and effective in making decisions, big and small.  He has sky-high confidence in his role as disciplinarian.  He made the transition of simply executing on my wishes for him to be dominant, to actually becoming a Dom.  In fact, he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be (more on that later).

Mike remains a wonderful father and an amazing husband.  He is a masterful Dom, both for me and Kayla – which is not easy as our needs as submissive are different.   And beyond just a Dom, he is a great husband.  He is loyal, trustworthy, sincere, a great listener, affectionate, empathetic, and the list goes on.  He is all those things to me, to our kids, and to Kayla.  It gives me great joy to share those things in him, with Kayla.

I mentioned before that Mike is an intensely private person.  He feels a lot of this stems from the childhood trauma from a robbery.   I shared before that his house was broken into and robbed when he was a child, and it was an extremely thorough robbery and what wasn’t taken was smashed and vandalized.

While he has come a long way in opening up to strangers, he still has a heightened distrust of people until he really gets to know them better.  — which is sometimes hard when he starts at a point of distrust.   Luckily he has a “tell all” wife who welcomes in anyone and everyone to help balance him out — although instead of “balance him out”, he tends to call it, “driving him crazy.”  lol.

JEN
Most of the journey was me pushing Mike to help me find my limits.  I found those limits.  I am where I want to be as his submissive and with DD.  This is one of the reasons my posts have lacked the yearning and self-revelations of my earlier posts.  I don’t yearn much and haven’t discovered some new revelation about myself.   

When I think back to what got me interested in DD, I never imagined how effective it would be in helping me be the person I wanted to be, nor what it would mean to my family for me to be that person.  My life feels tremendously purposeful and amazingly fulfilled.  So good that I feel a bit guilty in my pleasure when we are surrounded with so much suffering and injustice. 

My submissive mindset is sufficiently nourished, and not wanting.  But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?  Do we still have DD sympatico?  I mentioned he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be.   More on that in another post….hee hee.  I love a cliffhanger.

And before I get into resolving that cliffhanger, how can I write about my relationship with Mike without stating how I reconcile the little minor fact that, well, you know, it kind of includes a third person…someone who has evolved into being almost like a co-wife to Mike, and a partner to me.  Kayla! 

Yes, I gave you an update about her…but what can I say specifically about our triad in the context of how it impacts my relationship with Mike?   I don’t think I adequately addressed that in my updates.  Since fully coming out to everyone about Kayla, I have had to answer some questions from family.  So what of those questions and of my answers? 

 Sounds like a great next post, so that cliffhanger will have to wait as I next address this issue of how I explain my “open” marriage to those who ask.   

 

 

245. Synchronizing Expectations

This post can be filed under T.M.I.  It’s probably more than you care to know.  I am trying not to hold back and just write it like it is.  Some of the detail may not be an interesting read.  I wanted to show a bit more of the gears and cogs behind what forms the foundation of our communication style.  And show how we deal with my pursuit of a relationship with Matt.

By the way, don’t know how easy it was to catch, but, see that image above?  Yeah, it’s a door mat.  Door mat.  A mat.  Get it.  As in Matt.  You know… Matt.   Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?    {crickets}  

MORE ON THE REVEAL
I want to revisit what Mike and I first talked about when I asked for the date night with Matt.  I wrote previously that I surprised myself in that once I recognized it was something I would like to do, I did not hesitate to ask Mike.  I wasn’t apprehensive or fearful.  To add to that, I don’t think at any other time in our marriage I would have been so calm and confident about such things.  I believe it reflects the level of “oneness” Mike and I are currently experiencing. 

I admitted to Mike that I am infatuated with Matt.  That “puppy love” type feeling that I haven’t felt since I started dating Mike eons ago.  By the way, this feeling isn’t just emotional.  The feelings are chemical. 

LOVE DRUGGED
When you are at the “infatuation” stage of a relationship, your body produces higher levels of norepinephrine and dopamine.  And those chemicals feel good! 

Typically when you come down from the “puppy love” drugs, your body then pumps you with vasopressin and oxytocin.  Basically they feel pretty good too and assist with producing an “attachment” type feeling.  They can help create a bond that further cements the relationship.   Love is indeed a drug!  

Ever have that feeling of, “I don’t understand why I am so attracted to that person, I know they are no good for me?”  Well, it’s hard to fight the natural feel good drugs in your system that the person somehow triggers in you. 

That concludes this public service announcement.  Now back to our regular program.

BACK TO OUR DISCUSSION
So here are more details on the discussion that transpired between Mike and I when I asked to date Matt.  Mike was not upset by my revelation.  He grinned and nodded his head, “Yeah, I can see how you would like him.”  He asked me how I felt about it.  I said it was hard to describe as it was so foreign to me and I asked, “What did you feel when Kayla came into our relationship?”

He said that my reactions and support regarding Kayla gave him the confidence to  pursue things with her.  He never felt guilty per se, but there were times he wanted to show me extra attention, love, reassurance.  He didn’t think of it as being driven by guilt over Kayla, but by his love for me, but it’s hard to say for sure.  Ultimately, my acceptance was the most important part of making him comfortable with it.

Yeah, I can relate to that.  I sensed Mike was going to be supportive and that is important to me.  If he had any reservations, I would not not pursue this.

Mike said he was not completely surprised by my request.  He had a hunch something was brewing.  He noticed something in watching me with Matt and said he saw it the first he watched us have sex.  With John the sex is more mechanical – just sex – and Mike enjoys watching me experience that.   But with Matt, Mike saw that there was more tenderness from the start,  a hint of a bond between us – and Mike was thrilled in watching me experience that.  

Mike said it surprised him that I didn’t seem that enthusiastic when we first talked about how I felt about the sex.  I had a “take it or leave it” attitude about it.  I liked Matt okay, and I was happy that Mike enjoyed it so much.  I’ll do it for Mike and the sex wasn’t bad  Yep, that was my attitude.  However, Mike said my attitude didn’t seem to match my body language.  Mike said he sensed a bit of a “spark” between Matt and I and it especially showed during the sex.  Unlike with John, I was really into it. 

In hindsight I agree with Mike’s observation, but at the time I chalked it up to the naughtiness of it all.  I was feeding off Mike’s delight over it.  Or so I thought.  Maybe I was and things changed, or maybe I just thought I was and was suppressing the attraction.  No matter.  We’re here now.  

Mike asked me what I envisioned in a relationship with Matt.   

“I don’t know.  No vision really.  Just enjoy and see where it goes.  A lot depends on how Matt acts and behaves.  Now that you approve, I plan to have a discussion with Matt and maybe you should talk to him to make sure we stay on the same page.”

Mike thought for a bit and at first said, “Yes, the three of us should get together and talk about it.”  But then he said, “You know, nix that.  It may be intimidating to Matt if I try to impose certain behaviors.  You are both adults.  I’d like to see how your relationship evolves on its own.  It’s not like I won’t be around.”

This led Mike to state he wants us to alternate between Matt’s place and our house regarding where we have sex.  This is where Mike also gave me some rules regarding keeping him informed throughout the date and calling him after I have sex.

WHAT I SEE IN MATT
Mike had asked me what it was that I like about Matt.  For starters, some of Matt’s peculiarities that remind me of him – there are just certain mannerisms he has that are Mike-like.  As for differences, Matt kind of reminds me of a lost puppy.  He still seems a bit traumatized by his divorce.  He is not self assured like Mike.  My compassion just oozes out to want to help Matt.  

I am keenly aware of my proclivity to want to fix people.  I don’t see Matt as someone who needs fixing.  He isn’t broken, just a bit shaken and down on himself.  The person I have seen thus far has a lot to offer.  Kind, caring, compassionate and witty.   He doesn’t appear to have any unhealthy vices (drinking, drugs, gambling) other than this one vice about sleeping with his friends wife. (ha!).  I see glimpses of a confident Matt.  It’s like this egg shell of doubt that already has lots of cracks.  No, he doesn’t need fixing, just a little chisel and polish to bring back the original Matt.   

Matt tends to be very closed, not forthcoming in showing his vulnerabilities… but he wiill if you prod him a little.  I get a lot of satisfaction each time he opens up a little more.  I wouldn’t say I am in love with him.  Perhaps I will be.  But I am attracted to him, infatuated by him…yes, there is a passion for being with him and of course, the sex.  I enjoy his company.  

THE SEX WITH MATT
Mike was clear with me from the beginning that he didn’t have any specific rules for me regarding sex with Matt.  If I was comfortable doing it, “Go for it,” was his exact words.  And as I shared before, I tell Mike all the details of what Matt and I do.   Mike recently asked me a pretty loaded question.  “Of the things you do with Matt that you do with me, what you like better from Matt than from me?”   

Ouch.  He really wants to go there.  Eject, eject, eject!  Just kidding.  I didn’t hesitate to answer honestly.

The first thing that came to mind is simply the thrill of the unknown.  I still don’t know what Matt may do and the uncertainty adds some fire to the moment.   The sense of adventure and even the awkwardness we both have as we learn each other’s likes and dislikes.  All of that adds an emotion that gives it an extra spark.  In Mike-style wit, Mike responded with, “So in other words, what makes it good is that it simply isn’t me.”  Hey, that’s not what I said!

The next thing isn’t that it is better than something Mike and I do, but just different. (Luckily Mike allowed the “not better, just different” loophole to stand).  

I am a lot louder with Matt. At home I always felt the need to be a little restrained so not to wake the kids.  I think years of this has conditioned me to not be too loud with Mike, even if no kids are around.  In addition, sex at home pretty much means in our bed, because sex on the kitchen table doesn’t work with kids in the house.  So yeah, 25-ish years of sexual habits have conditioned me to be a certain way with Mike.  I can forget that conditioning when I am with Matt.

In addition to louder, I am just more vocal.  With Matt, I will tell him “fuck me right here,” whether still in his doorway, on the kitchen table, living room floor, or wherever.  The air of the illicitness of it all adds to the passion.  Part of that I blame on Mike – he started it.  Mike likes to talk dirty to me when he watches me have sex with Matt, and he gets me to respond in kind.  Now, even when Mike isn’t there, I just have this need to scream those things to Matt.  After all, it’s important to maintain precedent!   That’s my explanation and I am sticking to it! 

Actually, it also helps when you first start having sex with someone that you communicate what feels good.  It also helps Matt overcome some of the hesitancy he has because I am Mike’s wife.  Although each time we’ve had sex he seems to be less and less hesitant about anything.  I’ll keep being loud just in case, tee hee. 

And the elephant in the room, ahem, okay, not quite THAT big. . . yes, Matt has a big penis, bigger than Mike’s, bigger than anyone I’ve been with (8.4 inches).  It’s nice to look at, but honestly, I don’t really feel any difference other than when it is in my mouth.  BTW, I can’t take him all in…sorry, not a skill I’ve honed.  Anyway, yes, nice to look at.  The visual conjures up thoughts of amazing orgasmic sensations, but you can’t judge a book by it’s cover… or in this case, the orgasmic intensity by the size of the dick.   That’s my experience anyway, you’re welcome to differ in the comments!

In all honesty, there isn’t anyone better at sex than Mike.  No one can match the feeling I get from being with him.  Sure I can feel some differences and get satisfaction from those differences, but nothing is better than sex with my husband.   And frankly, it is probably 80% mental/emotional and only 20% physical that makes that statement true.   For me, sex with my lifetime  partner is tops!    

So that’s pretty much it.  Mike and I do share everything.   Try having that conversation with your significant other, I dare you!

WHAT’S NEXT WITH MATT
It’s been two weeks since that initial “date request.”  Matt and I have gone out twice.  We went back to his place for sex and then I came home.   And just yesterday Mike set my official date night with Matt to be on Tuesdays.  So if you keeping score, with Mike’s new edict, one Tuesday Matt and I go out and return to his place, and the next Tuesday we go out and return to mine.

I’ve had great discussions with Matt regarding my expectations and his.  I believe we are on the same page, as well as one can ascertain such things at this point.  And clearly Mike and I are on the same page.  So I think we are off to a proper start, as evidenced by Mike’s next suggestion. 

OVERNIGHTS?
“Jen, would you like to spend the night at Matt’s when your date nights end at his place?” 

Yep, Mike just asked me that last night.  It would have be easy to say, “Whatever you like, Sir.” or even just an “Okay, Sir,” but those answers aren’t acceptable.  When Mike asks me something it isn’t because he wants me to agree (he doesn’t need my agreement).  He wants to know how I feel.  It took many spankings over quite a long time to make me finally break my habit and understand that when asked for my opinion, “Okay” is not an answer.    

I thanked him for offering this and told him I would like that.  We will give J a cover story that I had an early doctor’s appointment.  So it’s settled.  Next Tuesday I go on a sleep over! 

MAID SERVICE?
Mike then added, “And can Matt use some help at his apartment?  Cleaning, laundry, stuff like that?”  I responded that I suppose he could and I stated that this sounded like a step towards being submissive to Matt (I already shared with Mike that I am not looking for that).  Mike said he wasn’t asking me to be, but thought it would be yet another bonding opportunity if I performed some acts of service for Matt – not out of submission, but out of caring.

I expressed concern with it taking away from my current duties and obligations in our own household.  I am already extremely busy meeting those commitments. Mike paused for a moment then responded, “On the nights you spend with Matt, in the morning I want you to prepare him breakfast and after he goes to work I want you to stay and clean his apartment.  You can leave there at noon.” 

“Yes, Sir.”

WHERE’S THE GREAT COMMUNICATION IN THAT?
There are differences in our communication depending on the situation.  For instance, I might bring something up to him at any time that prompts a meaningful discussion. These “somethings” are ideas or thoughts I am having about something we haven’t discussed before, such as my request for a date night with Matt.

Then there are the discussions that lead to Mike making a decision and stating what he wants.  At that point the discussion is over.  I am not to argue, plead, or hesitate when he states something in a declarative way.  I am to simply obey.  I can use our next Maintenance Session to respectfully express my concerns. 

I’ve learned to be attuned to how Mike states something.  He is typically very clear when he is soliciting my feedback and when he isn’t.  And when he isn’t, it is my duty to obey without question.  I like that.  Every time he states something in a commanding way, I get a little tingle in my tickle-spot. 

WHAT WILL I SAY AT MAINTENANCE? 
I’ve learned to think before I speak.  So let’s look at the evidence.  In this case, we had agreement that he was not expecting me to be submissive to Matt, no need to reiterate that.  I stated my concern about performing my own household duties, so no need to repeat that either  (repeating the same plea could result in discipline).  The thing I think I will bring up at Maintenance is that at first Mike said he wanted my relationship with Matt to evolve on its own.  Now here he is, imposing things.  That’s it!

Now, I have to think carefully about how to word my concern.  I can’t ever phrase things in a way that sound like I am saying “got ya’, so there!”  Very disrespectful.   I know Mike is coming from a loving place, but I really want to know if his general approach is going to be hands off or not.  It is just that… wait, hold on.  You know what?  This is why I love writing.  Epiphany!

It doesn’t matter that Mike said he wanted to just “see how it evolved.”  He is always free to modify anything he says.  He doesn’t have to forever commit to that statement.  And I shouldn’t expect him to give a commitment on how he wants to handle this.  Heck, I can’t even commit to how I will handle this.  It’s too new.  

I shouldn’t have put so much weight on his statement of “let’s see how your relationship evolves on it’s own.”  He said it in the context of having a face-to-face three way discussion about ground rules.  He didn’t say it in the context that he wasn’t ever going to be involved, in fact he ended it with, “it’s not like I won’t be around.”

This is what I love about my DD!  

It may not seem like it, but what I am sharing here is huge.   Think of it this way — Suspend the fact that pre-DD Jenny wouldn’t be talking to Mike about date night rules with another man – just pretend that little fact doesn’t apply.   Okay, got it?  Great.

Here’s how I imagine pre-submissive Jenny would have dealt with this —  When Mike said to clean Matt’s place, pre-submissive Jenny would say, “I already said I have too much to do.  What are you going to take away from my responsibilities here so that I can tend to Matt?  And you’re exact words were ‘let’s see how your relationship evolves on it’s own.’  Well, now you are sticking your nose in and telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing for Matt.  Make up your mind!”

A far cry from “Yes, Sir.”

So what will I say at Maintenance?   Nothing. 

I am good.  I’ll adjust my calendar as best as I can and like always, if I run into challenges in meeting my Duties and Obligations, I’ll talk to Mike.  My tending to Matt’s place is as important as any other Duty and Obligation because Mike wishes it.  That’s good enough for me.

AND EVEN MORE WHAT’S NEXT?
Lastly, this morning Mike told me to think of ideas to spend more time with Matt.  Mike said he feels if it is all just “dinner and a fuck” (his words), that I won’t really be getting to know him better. He told me to talk to Matt and come back with suggestion.   “Yes, Sir.”

I’ll talk to Matt.  Here are some things that come to mind:

• Perhaps I spend all day on a weekend with him.  Not sure how my schedule can swing that or what kind of cover story we can come up with J. 
• Maybe he comes to our house more often…dinner and hang out, stuff like that.  Not great one-on-one time, but it isn’t always about one-on-one stuff.  Sharing mundane daily life can be bonding. 
• Maybe we go somewhere together?  I am not opposed to it, but I really don’t want to be away from Mike and J like that.  I can handle an overnight, but a weekend or something like that?   I don’t think so.   And Mike would definitely have to give me special dispensation from my Duties and Obligations. 

We’ll see.  Mike asked me for ideas on how to spend more time with Matt, not for excuses on why I shouldn’t.  

Enough Matt-talk.  Did you know that my husband sometimes spanks me?  Yes, shocking isn’t it.  You may not know that from my recent posts.  Maybe it’s time to share about a punishment or two?   Next post?     

Next: 246. Subconsciousness of Wrong

 

 

 

218. Other forms of discipline: Restrictions

Hello again.  Mike gave me some internet time this morning.  It is the lesser of an hour or whenever J wakes up.  Thus I got an early start in hopes of getting all of this done before he wakes.

This is the first time I’ve been online since my last post.   Well, that’s not true.  Oops!

As I shared, part of my punishment is that, starting Monday (five days ago),  I could not go online.  Well, to show just how deep I had fallen into my obsession, I cheated the very first day!

Mike allowed me to have my phone when I went to the store.  What could it hurt to take a  quick peek at my comments on my blog?  A peek led to reading more, then liking this one, liking that one. . . oh, what about the reader?  Down the rabbit hole!   I soon felt guilty (not soon enough) and got off my phone.  Of course, I told on myself as I can’t keep such things secret.

I was prepared for a good spanking.  Instead, Mike surprised me.  He put me on restriction – that is, he revoked a variety (okay, A LOT!) of privileges.  He’s rarely done this before, and restrictions typically lasted the rest of the day or at most 24 hours.  This time they are “at least for a week, perhaps longer.”  (they started  the evening of Jan 28).

RESTRICTIONS

1. Phone and laptop taken away. 
   He carries my phone with him and he took my laptop to his office and is keeping it there.  I am even forbidden from inquiring with him as to who may have called or texted.  He will let me know if something needs my immediate response.    
2. Sleep in Kayla’s bed at night.
   I am sleeping in Kayla’s room while Kayla sleeps in my bed with Mike.  This is not unheard of, but not for this many days!  
3. Refrain from sexual activity.
   Of any kind, with anyone, including myself.  I haven’t gone a week without sex in at least three years, maybe more.
4. No Thursday Maintenance. 
   If that sounds like a bonus, it isn’t.  I love my maintenance sessions.
5. “Banked” Discipline until Sunday Maintenance. 
   In other words, no spankings until Sunday.   Sound good?  Nope!  Read #6.  This is one withdrawal from the bank that I don’t look forward to!    hee-hee
6. Doubly Triply-strict.
   Mike expects, “perfection” from me this week.  As of this writing I have three Transgressions “banked” for tomorrow.  Not bad considering the “perfection” expectation.  But 3 punishments back-to-back-to-back?  Yikes! (plus #7)
7. Write 100 lines per day.
   New phrase each day.  Lines are critiqued by Mike with two spankings per errors/sloppiness (also “banked” per #5).  Mike has critiqued the ones I’ve done thus far, but hasn’t told me my grade.  I was extremely careful and took my time since there was no time limit on getting them done – and it wasn’t like I had other pressing engagements for “me” time.  (got to keep the humor up!)
8. Any remaining “me” time is spent in Kayla’s bedroom reading.
   No television, no iPod, nothing.  And when I do have the opportunity to relax I must go to Kayla’s room to read.  Mike doesn’t even want me to lay on our bed or sit in our room.     
9. No social visits to/from anyone.
   Canceled lunch with my sisters that we had planned, and rescheduled my last “Etiquette” consultation. 
10. Must remain clothed all day.
    You’d have to be submissive and accustomed to being naked a lot to understand how this is a punishment.  Believe me, it is!
11. Early bedtime. 
    I get ready for bed as soon as the kitchen is cleaned after dinner – not so much as a “goodnight” from anyone.  I close the bathroom door when bathing (which is not usual), and I put on pajamas before emerging (also not the norm).  I can’t even sleep naked!  I can read and/or journal (or work on #12) until 9:30, but then it is lights out.  If I wake up early, I stay quietly in bed until our normal wake up time. This may sound like a holiday, and while the extra rest is nice, it all feels very isolating.  
12.  Hand write my weekly research paper.
    Still have to keep with this quarter’s goal. Mike printed out several articles on this weeks’ topic since I couldn’t search it myself.  I have to hand write out my report, neatly and double spaced.  The reports are subject to Mike’s critique and shortcomings could result in punishment.  I’ll post about these reports eventually.    
13.  Restricted from Super Bowl Sinday?
    Mike is undecided as to whether or not I will be allowed to attend.  NO!!!!!  I really want to go.
    

This hour of internet time today is nice – some “time off for good behavior!”  I am hopeful I get off restriction tomorrow and attend the festivities.  I can sure use a party after a week of feeling isolated and to some degree, bored.      

INTERNET WITHDRAWALS
Not having my phone caused actual withdrawals.  Anxiety and anxiousness abound!  It wasn’t until around Thursday that it seemed like I finally got over it.  I still have a sense of curiosity,  but it isn’t the same painful yearning I first had.  However, those withdrawals were replaced by orgasm withdrawals.  HA!  Actually, not very “ha.”  I am serious.  I am very horny.   Several years of averaging more than one orgasm a day and then cold turkey for a week is a lot of adjustment for my body.   I need oxytocin and all those other feel good endorphins released by sex!  By the way, you know studies show that your brain releases a bit of oxytocin and those other feel good endorphins when you get a “like” on a social media post.  Sure, not the same as sex, but still, just a little tingle for your body to enjoy. So, give this a “like” and you will be helping me get aroused! Ha!

I will say that losing connection with the internet world was initially disturbing to be, but eventually became peaceful.  Initially a lot of anxiety,  but then calming.  Simply put, the feelings have been weird and remarkable.  I recommend everyone take an occasional internet sabbatical!

SPANKING HIATUS!
My chores and adhering to my rules help keep my submissive mindset, but honestly, having punishments deferred and not having the Thursday Maintenance has left me yearning.  To satisfy it, I have gone above and beyond my normal duties to serve Mike this week.  While not perfect, I have been doubly attentive to him and extremely focused on every task.

The results of my punishment?  Well, it has been painful and I can’t wait for it to be over.  I never want to face these restrictions again and will remain diligent with my time.  Aha!  So this discipline is serving its job as being a deterrent and providing me focus to not repeat my misbehavior.  I guess that makes it effective and appropriate — but I still don’t like it! 

HARDEST PARTS
The worst is the nighttime isolation.  Being clothed and not even being seen naked, not having any down time in the evening with Mike and/or Kayla,  having to sleep by myself — It’s a lonely experience, but loneliness can be, and has been, a healing penance. 

The no sex has been tough, especially hearing Mike and Kayla go at it at night.    In some ways hearing them feeds my submissive mindset as it is a very submissive thing for me to accept.  But still, abstinence doesn’t suit me, and having to hear them makes it even more difficult.     

Wearing clothes all day has been tougher than I thought it would be.  I really enjoy being naked.  It reminds me of a story I’ll have to share on a future post of my lack of modesty when I was a little girl.  Another time!   Simply put, I like being naked, more than just from a submissive standpoint.

Being clothed has been even more difficult on days Kayla is home – she remains naked.    Normally, it doesn’t even dawn on me that she (or I) is naked – it has become that  normalized for us. It serves as a reminder to me that I am “different” right now.
This week, I couldn’t stop staring at her.  I even apologized to her if I was “creeping her out” with my stares (she just laughed and said “no.”).   As I started my mind would long to be naked, to be submissive.  

The potential of not being part of the Super Bowl festivities is a severe punishment all by itself.  It is a lot of fun and it will be interesting to have Matt there.  We always have a blast, even pre-DD days, but of course, a mega-blast since then.  It is an excuse we use to be crazy, silly, and adventurous. . .because. . . you know. . .our life outside of this is just so vanilla and boring.  HA!   (Have you noticed I often use humor to cope with a negative situation?  You haven’t?  What are you, new?).  I admit it will hurt if I can’t go.  My fingers are crossed! 

REFLECTION
This punishment isn’t just about what I did.  It is also about failing to heed Mikes warning and then, even worse, failing to follow his instructions regarding the initial restrictions he imposed.   And it deals with a subject that, at it’s core, is one of those things that caused major problems pre-DD.  From the start of our DD, I specifically identified this as something I wanted to improve about myself as it was a major impediment to my ability to be the wife and mother I wanted to be.

My pre-DD “vices” can be summed up as spending unwisely –money and time.  Add in that I was often controlling, demanding, stubborn and unforgiving.  I never want to go back to that Jenny again. 

I would have preferred a spanking, even a very harsh one, instead of these restrictions.

NOURISHMENT
This week, any time I felt a yearning for submission growing in me, I simply focused on one thought to quickly nourish my submissive mindset — Submission isn’t about my preferences.

And with that, my internet time is up!

Next: 219. I am Angry (and that’s okay)

213. Speedy Spanking Summations

I went through my journal and noted some spankings I received since the start of the year that are not as “epic” as the one’s I typically share.  I thought it might be of interest to see the more “mundane” things I mess up on.     

As a point of clarity, I am not diminishing their importance.  Every transgression and punishment has meaning to me.  I just feel all of them are not going to be of interest to readers nor indicate a milestone for me.   

I also want to note as far as severity of the punishment, none of them are mild or moderate — every one is high intensity.   Lately Mike has been in a habit of giving what he calls a “6×6 spanking.  Six sets of six spankings, three on each cheek in very fast (and hard) succession.  He lectures in between each set and the final six are of maximum intensity.   I leave every spanking with a very red, warm, and burning butt.

They definitely are serving their purpose as a deterrent.  I’ve noticed that when I am in the corner awaiting my punishments that my mind is thinking about what is to come. This isn’t a bad thing.  It is just what it is. 

I made this recap fun (okay, fun for me) in that I looked up what part of the contract applied to the particular transgression.  

TRANSGRESSION:   left my debit card at a restaurant.
I remembered soon after leaving and doubled back and retrieved it.

• Violation of Section V.2.3.3. Workload
• Discipline:  Palms slapped with ruler, then  thirty minutes in the corner with a butt plug in, hands cuffed behind me, then 100 lines, and then 18 spankings by hand, 2 each for 9 errors/sloppy lines, then the “6×6” with a paddle.  Worst part – not being able to scratch an itch while in the corner! j/k, the paddle was worse!

TRANSGRESSION:  Cussing
I am not a big cusser.  It is rare, but I stubbed my toe and in pain and between my clenched teeth I let loose with “God Damn It!”  Luckily my son wasn’t around.

• Violation of Section V.2.3.1 Feelings
• Discipline:  Mouth soaping and 15 minutes in the corner with the bar of soap in my mouth, pee rinse and drink, and a “6×6” with the hairbrush.  In addition we had a lecture/talk about whether I was frustrated with other things that may have led to my cussing.  I couldn’t identify any, but I wanted to note this because there are times Mike will use a discipline session as an opportunity to talk WITH me, not just at me. 

TRANSGRESSION: Left a pot of stew on stove 
I had left it to cool before putting it in a container and in the fridge.  I forgot about it!

• Violation of Section V.2.3.3. Workload and/or V.2.1.4 Homemaker
• Discipline: Mike called me to the kitchen and gave me a “6×6” with a wooden spoon.  I was a bit apprehensive since our son was home (asleep).  It is very rare for him to ever wake up, but, you just never know.  I accepted it without hesitation but did talk to Mike about it at Maintenance.  He agreed it was not worth the risk and said he would be more discreet.  He praised me for not hesitating and not showing any signs I was put off by it, despite my apprehension.  (Remember – Thanks and Praise!) 

TRANSGRESSION:  Dress code violation
Hey, it’s winter and it gets cold!  I was naked, as is required when J is in school, but I put socks on because my feet were cold.  I should have asked Mike for permission.  He would have easily granted it (because he has always done so).  I just got lazy and decided not to ask him since he always says yes anyway.  Oops. 

• Violation of Section V.2.2.3 Attire
• Discipline:  Always looking to be creative, he took a pair of his socks (mine are too short) and wrapped a sock around each of my breasts and then tied each end of the sock tightly together – sort of homemade breast binder.  It worked surprisingly well — see, you can MacGyver your kink gear!
  He then had me get a handful of ice, clenched my fists, and I held it for 30 seconds.  That doesn’t seem like much, but try it!  He then gave me 30 seconds to pause without the ice in hand, then repeated it, another 30 second break, and then a final 30 again holding the ice — not all punishment involves impact and at least the ice was just in my hand (Post 63) LOL!  He didn’t do a 6×6 – he gave me  lots by hand over his knee.  There was no count, just lots of spanking and lecturing on remembering to ask permission.  

TRANSGRESSION:  Not showing deference to Mike
Mike and I were at John and Donna’s and in conversation I said something about “Mike asked me…”   Mike does not ask me, he instructs, demands, or tells me, things.  I am not to refer to such demands as being “asked.”   The only exception is if indeed Mike was asking me a question, such as for my opinion on something.  I can refer to that as being “asked.”  But if he is giving me something to act upon, he is not asking.   
This was a new rule that we added to our recent Contract and I anticipated it was going to be difficult for me.  In reality, it took me a few weeks to fully master it but after that, I never forgot, until this slip up. 

• Violation of Section V 2.1.8 Deference
• Discipline: As what has become the “standard” for things dealing with words I say or don’t say, I received a mouth soaping along with the pee rinse and drink.  As this was at John and Donna’s house and they were witness to my disobedience, they also watched the discipline.  He borrowed one of their hairbrushes  and ended it with a 6×6.  By the way, their hairbrush was more like a paddle disguised as a hair brush.  It was much harder and larger than mine.  This was all extra humbling for me because John and Donna watched.  They’ve seen me punished before, but it has been a long time.   

TRANSGRESSION:  Slouching and not being graceful. 
This is another item that is new to our Contract.  I need to be more graceful in my movements.  This was such a big challenge for me that Mike agreed to pay for classes for me.  Etiquette classes, complete with private sessions with a tutor!  I just started them two weeks ago. The classes are a bit boring, but the private sessions have been a hoot. 
Mike had been lenient on my “gracefulness” because he recognizes it is very challenging to change life long habits of how you carry your body when you walk and sit.  He would often give me reminders and I would not be punished as long as he didn’t have to persistently remind me over a short period of time.
Now that I have attended two classes and 4 private sessions, he expects me to better adhere to the things that have been covered in class and the sessions.  
Over the course of a few days last week he had to remind me several times regarding how I was walking and sitting.  He decided he had given enough reminders and discipline was in order. 

• Violation of Sections V.2.2.4.1, V.2.2.4.2, V.2.2.4.3, Gracefulness
• Discipline:  A straight forward old-fashioned belt spanking with my face down on the bed.  I got a 6×6 on my butt and then got several on each thigh. He then had me turn over on my back, spread my legs, and he struck me several times on my inner thigh, just missing my pussy.       

That’s it.  And that’s a lot!  Add to this the two Maintenance Sessions per week, and the “reset” (Post 204), and my butt is a bit shell-shocked.  It has been three weeks and there is still some bruising left from the New Year’s Eve spanking.    

While I admit my butt is sore, emotionally I am very upbeat.  The “reset” is over, I feel highly focused, deeply submitted, and overwhelmingly fulfilled.  I do feel I have a lot on my plate but I am very organized.  I keep a detailed calendar and leave myself little “reminder’ notes here and there.  I am not seeing a lot of repeated misbehaviors regarding the same topic.   I have no complaints . . . which is good, because my Contract requires that I shall remain joyful, scheduled, and optimized regarding my duties. Contract or not, that is my current state!

Next:  214. Nicknames: Opening our Joy Box

175. Bundle of Nerves

I am a bundle of nerves.  I’ve been very emotional the last few days and quick to tears.  It’s a good cry, but represents the deep and conflicting emotions I am feeling.

The best analogy I can think of is the feeling I had when I graduated high school.  I feel a high degree of eagerness, offset by the same high degree of apprehension.  Further, I feel a great deal of happiness, offset by a great deal of sadness.  In graduating high school I was eager to get my life moving forward, but it was also apprehensive over what was next.  I also had a great deal of happiness in achieving this milestone and going on to college, but also sadness in knowing I’ll never have all of what and who I left behind.

It all hit me out of the blue.  I was practicing my new Mantra’s and pretty much had them memorized and I wanted to practice in front of Mike for the first time.  I went through the Morning Mantra and got through it fine, but as soon as I was done, I started crying.  Not just a sniffle and tear, but a full on cry.

The words were just so profound and powerful.  I felt this cascade of positive feelings that were warm, loving, safe, secure.  Feelings I felt before, but never with such intensity.   And there was this cascade of more solemn feelings such as the apprehension and sadness.

The sadness was in part for saying “good bye” to my former self.  Not in a “oh, I can’t let you go” type sadness, but more like that high school graduation sadness of saying goodbye to friends you won’t see anymore.  You know you really can see them again if you want to, but you also know that you really don’t want to.  Make sense?   

It may help to break down each feeling.  Even if not interesting to you, it will help me. 

Eager:  I feel a deep longing and a huge sense of dedication.  I feel there is this part of me that I was never sure what it was or if it even existed, only that I’ve been searching for it a very long time.  Now, there it is, right in front of me.  I am fulfilled by it’s presence and eager to embrace it.   As much as I may try to reign in my expectations, they can not be corralled and they run wild. 

Apprehension:  I feel an uneasiness fueled by uncertainty and by the enormity of my eagerness.  The higher my expectations, the further there is to fall if those expectations were unrealistic.  I so much want to be the submissive I have agreed to be and I know over time I will master my new Duties and Obligations, but what of the meantime?  It’s reasonable to expect that as I learn, I’ll fail at times.  I’ve understood that and reconciled that fact many times before.  But this time?  Right now, the thought of disappointing Mike and myself is just too much to even think about.   

Happiness:  I feel happiness on many levels.  From the joy I get in serving Mike, to the profound pleasure I get in deeply submitting to him.  That pleasure is so great that literally I am on the edge of orgasm most of the day.  I had to ask Mike for permission to masturbate today and luckily he said yes.  It took me about five minutes.  He talked to me afterwards and asked me about it and I said I was still turned on.  He allowed me to masturbate one more time and said that would be it for a few days.   I enjoyed what was again about another five minutes, maybe seven.  Suffice to say, I am very turned on right now.   

Sadness: This is a bit harder for me to fully connect with.  It sounds odd and illogical, as emotions often are, but I feel sad for not recognizing sooner the fulfillment our dynamic gives me.  I can rationalize that I wasn’t ready for any version of DD until we actually adopted it.  But it still makes me sad that I wasn’t ready for it sooner.  Sad that Mike had to live with and experience the sub-optimal Jennifer for so many years.  And to be honest, there is also a tinge of sadness for what I am leaving behind regarding many controls of my day to day living.  As a former control freak…ahem, is there really such a thing?  I think once a control freak, always a control freak    Okay, as a RECOVERING control freak who has learned to find pleasure in not having control, there is still a part of me that mourns the loss of control.  Even though I love my submission more than I love any control, that need for control is rooted in my upbringing and what I interpreted my mom to mean by “love life, every moment, every day.” 

FEMINISM REVISITED
I wrote about this many times so no need to “go there” again (Most notably in Post 120).  Suffice to say, I still consider myself a feminist.   The difference is that I no longer believe in the precept of equality that pre-DD Jenny had. Pre-DD Jenny would advocate that women needed to assert and claim their equality else they would never achieve it.  I now believe our equality is about choice, and we can choose to assert and claim it, or not.   

Equality is not about sameness.  Mike and I are not the same.  But we are equal in so much as 1 plus 1 equals 2 (or more precisely, Mike + Jen = 1).    We can not be one without the other and we are  equal in what makes us one.

Equality is about having access to the same opportunities, whether or not I choose to claim that opportunity.  If a woman wants the opportunity to lead, inside the home or out, so be it.  If a woman wants the opportunity to be submissive, so be it.  If a woman wants something in-between, so be it.  You just need surround yourself with those that allow you to be you.  I have chosen to be submissive to Mike, and am fortunate that he has accepted me as his submissive, just as he accepted me when I was anything but submissive.  Okay, I guess I “went there” again.  Can’t help it.

Enough of this.  Say, want to hear about a spanking?  Maybe next time.  It was (or at least should be) the last spanking under our 2.0 Contract.   We are doing our Signing Ceremony tonight, so technically the new terms are not yet in place.   As long as I behave from now until then, the spanking I am thinking of sharing would be the last under our prior contract. 

NEXT:  176.  Thirty-Seven Hours