Tag Archives: wife

259. More Mike

259

I recently gave updates on Matt and Kayla, so clearly I need to give an update on the most important person in my life – my husband Mike!  And in doing so, it is also an update on me and our relationship as a whole. 

If you have followed my journey since the beginning, you know that Mike has been amazing.  I got us into Domestic Discipline and while he had some reservations, he was willing to give it a try.  And try he did.

I am fortunate that he and I have stayed pretty much on the same page throughout our journey.  While I think our open communication has a lot to do with it, we have also just been lucky.

MIKE
Mike is happier than he has ever been in our marriage.  There is evidence beyond his demeanor, such as, he says it!  And it isn’t happiness of power, but happiness in the results of his influence – over me, over the family.   His satisfaction stems from seeing his significant investment of his emotional “equity” into our relationship pay off.    

I made a lot of the day-to-day decisions pre-DD, or at least heavily influenced Mike such that I usually got my way.   You may think it is easy to take the reigns of a household and start making decisions, but it isn’t.  In part it just wasn’t his nature — a nature that I influenced for 20+ years.  He also wasn’t confident in how I would react to his new role.  In other words, he was a bit hesitant and afraid of “being an asshole.”  I have never once thought such a thing.

I think Post 160 and Post 205 best sum of his evolution and how great he is.  Mike is timely and effective in making decisions, big and small.  He has sky-high confidence in his role as disciplinarian.  He made the transition of simply executing on my wishes for him to be dominant, to actually becoming a Dom.  In fact, he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be (more on that later).

Mike remains a wonderful father and an amazing husband.  He is a masterful Dom, both for me and Kayla – which is not easy as our needs as submissive are different.   And beyond just a Dom, he is a great husband.  He is loyal, trustworthy, sincere, a great listener, affectionate, empathetic, and the list goes on.  He is all those things to me, to our kids, and to Kayla.  It gives me great joy to share those things in him, with Kayla.

I mentioned before that Mike is an intensely private person.  He feels a lot of this stems from the childhood trauma from a robbery.   I shared before that his house was broken into and robbed when he was a child, and it was an extremely thorough robbery and what wasn’t taken was smashed and vandalized.

While he has come a long way in opening up to strangers, he still has a heightened distrust of people until he really gets to know them better.  — which is sometimes hard when he starts at a point of distrust.   Luckily he has a “tell all” wife who welcomes in anyone and everyone to help balance him out — although instead of “balance him out”, he tends to call it, “driving him crazy.”  lol.

JEN
Most of the journey was me pushing Mike to help me find my limits.  I found those limits.  I am where I want to be as his submissive and with DD.  This is one of the reasons my posts have lacked the yearning and self-revelations of my earlier posts.  I don’t yearn much and haven’t discovered some new revelation about myself.   

When I think back to what got me interested in DD, I never imagined how effective it would be in helping me be the person I wanted to be, nor what it would mean to my family for me to be that person.  My life feels tremendously purposeful and amazingly fulfilled.  So good that I feel a bit guilty in my pleasure when we are surrounded with so much suffering and injustice. 

My submissive mindset is sufficiently nourished, and not wanting.  But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?  Do we still have DD sympatico?  I mentioned he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be.   More on that in another post….hee hee.  I love a cliffhanger.

And before I get into resolving that cliffhanger, how can I write about my relationship with Mike without stating how I reconcile the little minor fact that, well, you know, it kind of includes a third person…someone who has evolved into being almost like a co-wife to Mike, and a partner to me.  Kayla! 

Yes, I gave you an update about her…but what can I say specifically about our triad in the context of how it impacts my relationship with Mike?   I don’t think I adequately addressed that in my updates.  Since fully coming out to everyone about Kayla, I have had to answer some questions from family.  So what of those questions and of my answers? 

 Sounds like a great next post, so that cliffhanger will have to wait as I next address this issue of how I explain my “open” marriage to those who ask.   

 

 

245. Synchronizing Expectations

245

This post can be filed under T.M.I.  It’s probably more than you care to know.  I am trying not to hold back and just write it like it is.  Some of the detail may not be an interesting read.  I wanted to show a bit more of the gears and cogs behind what forms the foundation of our communication style.  And show how we deal with my pursuit of a relationship with Matt.

By the way, don’t know how easy it was to catch, but, see that image above?  Yeah, it’s a door mat.  Door mat.  A mat.  Get it.  As in Matt.  You know… Matt.   Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Bueller?    {crickets}  

MORE ON THE REVEAL
I want to revisit what Mike and I first talked about when I asked for the date night with Matt.  I wrote previously that I surprised myself in that once I recognized it was something I would like to do, I did not hesitate to ask Mike.  I wasn’t apprehensive or fearful.  To add to that, I don’t think at any other time in our marriage I would have been so calm and confident about such things.  I believe it reflects the level of “oneness” Mike and I are currently experiencing. 

I admitted to Mike that I am infatuated with Matt.  That “puppy love” type feeling that I haven’t felt since I started dating Mike eons ago.  By the way, this feeling isn’t just emotional.  The feelings are chemical. 

LOVE DRUGGED
When you are at the “infatuation” stage of a relationship, your body produces higher levels of norepinephrine and dopamine.  And those chemicals feel good! 

Typically when you come down from the “puppy love” drugs, your body then pumps you with vasopressin and oxytocin.  Basically they feel pretty good too and assist with producing an “attachment” type feeling.  They can help create a bond that further cements the relationship.   Love is indeed a drug!  

Ever have that feeling of, “I don’t understand why I am so attracted to that person, I know they are no good for me?”  Well, it’s hard to fight the natural feel good drugs in your system that the person somehow triggers in you. 

That concludes this public service announcement.  Now back to our regular program.

BACK TO OUR DISCUSSION
So here are more details on the discussion that transpired between Mike and I when I asked to date Matt.  Mike was not upset by my revelation.  He grinned and nodded his head, “Yeah, I can see how you would like him.”  He asked me how I felt about it.  I said it was hard to describe as it was so foreign to me and I asked, “What did you feel when Kayla came into our relationship?”

He said that my reactions and support regarding Kayla gave him the confidence to  pursue things with her.  He never felt guilty per se, but there were times he wanted to show me extra attention, love, reassurance.  He didn’t think of it as being driven by guilt over Kayla, but by his love for me, but it’s hard to say for sure.  Ultimately, my acceptance was the most important part of making him comfortable with it.

Yeah, I can relate to that.  I sensed Mike was going to be supportive and that is important to me.  If he had any reservations, I would not not pursue this.

Mike said he was not completely surprised by my request.  He had a hunch something was brewing.  He noticed something in watching me with Matt and said he saw it the first he watched us have sex.  With John the sex is more mechanical – just sex – and Mike enjoys watching me experience that.   But with Matt, Mike saw that there was more tenderness from the start,  a hint of a bond between us – and Mike was thrilled in watching me experience that.  

Mike said it surprised him that I didn’t seem that enthusiastic when we first talked about how I felt about the sex.  I had a “take it or leave it” attitude about it.  I liked Matt okay, and I was happy that Mike enjoyed it so much.  I’ll do it for Mike and the sex wasn’t bad  Yep, that was my attitude.  However, Mike said my attitude didn’t seem to match my body language.  Mike said he sensed a bit of a “spark” between Matt and I and it especially showed during the sex.  Unlike with John, I was really into it. 

In hindsight I agree with Mike’s observation, but at the time I chalked it up to the naughtiness of it all.  I was feeding off Mike’s delight over it.  Or so I thought.  Maybe I was and things changed, or maybe I just thought I was and was suppressing the attraction.  No matter.  We’re here now.  

Mike asked me what I envisioned in a relationship with Matt.   

“I don’t know.  No vision really.  Just enjoy and see where it goes.  A lot depends on how Matt acts and behaves.  Now that you approve, I plan to have a discussion with Matt and maybe you should talk to him to make sure we stay on the same page.”

Mike thought for a bit and at first said, “Yes, the three of us should get together and talk about it.”  But then he said, “You know, nix that.  It may be intimidating to Matt if I try to impose certain behaviors.  You are both adults.  I’d like to see how your relationship evolves on its own.  It’s not like I won’t be around.”

This led Mike to state he wants us to alternate between Matt’s place and our house regarding where we have sex.  This is where Mike also gave me some rules regarding keeping him informed throughout the date and calling him after I have sex.

WHAT I SEE IN MATT
Mike had asked me what it was that I like about Matt.  For starters, some of Matt’s peculiarities that remind me of him – there are just certain mannerisms he has that are Mike-like.  As for differences, Matt kind of reminds me of a lost puppy.  He still seems a bit traumatized by his divorce.  He is not self assured like Mike.  My compassion just oozes out to want to help Matt.  

I am keenly aware of my proclivity to want to fix people.  I don’t see Matt as someone who needs fixing.  He isn’t broken, just a bit shaken and down on himself.  The person I have seen thus far has a lot to offer.  Kind, caring, compassionate and witty.   He doesn’t appear to have any unhealthy vices (drinking, drugs, gambling) other than this one vice about sleeping with his friends wife. (ha!).  I see glimpses of a confident Matt.  It’s like this egg shell of doubt that already has lots of cracks.  No, he doesn’t need fixing, just a little chisel and polish to bring back the original Matt.   

Matt tends to be very closed, not forthcoming in showing his vulnerabilities… but he wiill if you prod him a little.  I get a lot of satisfaction each time he opens up a little more.  I wouldn’t say I am in love with him.  Perhaps I will be.  But I am attracted to him, infatuated by him…yes, there is a passion for being with him and of course, the sex.  I enjoy his company.  

THE SEX WITH MATT
Mike was clear with me from the beginning that he didn’t have any specific rules for me regarding sex with Matt.  If I was comfortable doing it, “Go for it,” was his exact words.  And as I shared before, I tell Mike all the details of what Matt and I do.   Mike recently asked me a pretty loaded question.  “Of the things you do with Matt that you do with me, what you like better from Matt than from me?”   

Ouch.  He really wants to go there.  Eject, eject, eject!  Just kidding.  I didn’t hesitate to answer honestly.

The first thing that came to mind is simply the thrill of the unknown.  I still don’t know what Matt may do and the uncertainty adds some fire to the moment.   The sense of adventure and even the awkwardness we both have as we learn each other’s likes and dislikes.  All of that adds an emotion that gives it an extra spark.  In Mike-style wit, Mike responded with, “So in other words, what makes it good is that it simply isn’t me.”  Hey, that’s not what I said!

The next thing isn’t that it is better than something Mike and I do, but just different. (Luckily Mike allowed the “not better, just different” loophole to stand).  

I am a lot louder with Matt. At home I always felt the need to be a little restrained so not to wake the kids.  I think years of this has conditioned me to not be too loud with Mike, even if no kids are around.  In addition, sex at home pretty much means in our bed, because sex on the kitchen table doesn’t work with kids in the house.  So yeah, 25-ish years of sexual habits have conditioned me to be a certain way with Mike.  I can forget that conditioning when I am with Matt.

In addition to louder, I am just more vocal.  With Matt, I will tell him “fuck me right here,” whether still in his doorway, on the kitchen table, living room floor, or wherever.  The air of the illicitness of it all adds to the passion.  Part of that I blame on Mike – he started it.  Mike likes to talk dirty to me when he watches me have sex with Matt, and he gets me to respond in kind.  Now, even when Mike isn’t there, I just have this need to scream those things to Matt.  After all, it’s important to maintain precedent!   That’s my explanation and I am sticking to it! 

Actually, it also helps when you first start having sex with someone that you communicate what feels good.  It also helps Matt overcome some of the hesitancy he has because I am Mike’s wife.  Although each time we’ve had sex he seems to be less and less hesitant about anything.  I’ll keep being loud just in case, tee hee. 

And the elephant in the room, ahem, okay, not quite THAT big. . . yes, Matt has a big penis, bigger than Mike’s, bigger than anyone I’ve been with (8.4 inches).  It’s nice to look at, but honestly, I don’t really feel any difference other than when it is in my mouth.  BTW, I can’t take him all in…sorry, not a skill I’ve honed.  Anyway, yes, nice to look at.  The visual conjures up thoughts of amazing orgasmic sensations, but you can’t judge a book by it’s cover… or in this case, the orgasmic intensity by the size of the dick.   That’s my experience anyway, you’re welcome to differ in the comments!

In all honesty, there isn’t anyone better at sex than Mike.  No one can match the feeling I get from being with him.  Sure I can feel some differences and get satisfaction from those differences, but nothing is better than sex with my husband.   And frankly, it is probably 80% mental/emotional and only 20% physical that makes that statement true.   For me, sex with my lifetime  partner is tops!    

So that’s pretty much it.  Mike and I do share everything.   Try having that conversation with your significant other, I dare you!

WHAT’S NEXT WITH MATT
It’s been two weeks since that initial “date request.”  Matt and I have gone out twice.  We went back to his place for sex and then I came home.   And just yesterday Mike set my official date night with Matt to be on Tuesdays.  So if you keeping score, with Mike’s new edict, one Tuesday Matt and I go out and return to his place, and the next Tuesday we go out and return to mine.

I’ve had great discussions with Matt regarding my expectations and his.  I believe we are on the same page, as well as one can ascertain such things at this point.  And clearly Mike and I are on the same page.  So I think we are off to a proper start, as evidenced by Mike’s next suggestion. 

OVERNIGHTS?
“Jen, would you like to spend the night at Matt’s when your date nights end at his place?” 

Yep, Mike just asked me that last night.  It would have be easy to say, “Whatever you like, Sir.” or even just an “Okay, Sir,” but those answers aren’t acceptable.  When Mike asks me something it isn’t because he wants me to agree (he doesn’t need my agreement).  He wants to know how I feel.  It took many spankings over quite a long time to make me finally break my habit and understand that when asked for my opinion, “Okay” is not an answer.    

I thanked him for offering this and told him I would like that.  We will give J a cover story that I had an early doctor’s appointment.  So it’s settled.  Next Tuesday I go on a sleep over! 

MAID SERVICE?
Mike then added, “And can Matt use some help at his apartment?  Cleaning, laundry, stuff like that?”  I responded that I suppose he could and I stated that this sounded like a step towards being submissive to Matt (I already shared with Mike that I am not looking for that).  Mike said he wasn’t asking me to be, but thought it would be yet another bonding opportunity if I performed some acts of service for Matt – not out of submission, but out of caring.

I expressed concern with it taking away from my current duties and obligations in our own household.  I am already extremely busy meeting those commitments. Mike paused for a moment then responded, “On the nights you spend with Matt, in the morning I want you to prepare him breakfast and after he goes to work I want you to stay and clean his apartment.  You can leave there at noon.” 

“Yes, Sir.”

WHERE’S THE GREAT COMMUNICATION IN THAT?
There are differences in our communication depending on the situation.  For instance, I might bring something up to him at any time that prompts a meaningful discussion. These “somethings” are ideas or thoughts I am having about something we haven’t discussed before, such as my request for a date night with Matt.

Then there are the discussions that lead to Mike making a decision and stating what he wants.  At that point the discussion is over.  I am not to argue, plead, or hesitate when he states something in a declarative way.  I am to simply obey.  I can use our next Maintenance Session to respectfully express my concerns. 

I’ve learned to be attuned to how Mike states something.  He is typically very clear when he is soliciting my feedback and when he isn’t.  And when he isn’t, it is my duty to obey without question.  I like that.  Every time he states something in a commanding way, I get a little tingle in my tickle-spot. 

WHAT WILL I SAY AT MAINTENANCE? 
I’ve learned to think before I speak.  So let’s look at the evidence.  In this case, we had agreement that he was not expecting me to be submissive to Matt, no need to reiterate that.  I stated my concern about performing my own household duties, so no need to repeat that either  (repeating the same plea could result in discipline).  The thing I think I will bring up at Maintenance is that at first Mike said he wanted my relationship with Matt to evolve on its own.  Now here he is, imposing things.  That’s it!

Now, I have to think carefully about how to word my concern.  I can’t ever phrase things in a way that sound like I am saying “got ya’, so there!”  Very disrespectful.   I know Mike is coming from a loving place, but I really want to know if his general approach is going to be hands off or not.  It is just that… wait, hold on.  You know what?  This is why I love writing.  Epiphany!

It doesn’t matter that Mike said he wanted to just “see how it evolved.”  He is always free to modify anything he says.  He doesn’t have to forever commit to that statement.  And I shouldn’t expect him to give a commitment on how he wants to handle this.  Heck, I can’t even commit to how I will handle this.  It’s too new.  

I shouldn’t have put so much weight on his statement of “let’s see how your relationship evolves on it’s own.”  He said it in the context of having a face-to-face three way discussion about ground rules.  He didn’t say it in the context that he wasn’t ever going to be involved, in fact he ended it with, “it’s not like I won’t be around.”

This is what I love about my DD!  

It may not seem like it, but what I am sharing here is huge.   Think of it this way — Suspend the fact that pre-DD Jenny wouldn’t be talking to Mike about date night rules with another man – just pretend that little fact doesn’t apply.   Okay, got it?  Great.

Here’s how I imagine pre-submissive Jenny would have dealt with this —  When Mike said to clean Matt’s place, pre-submissive Jenny would say, “I already said I have too much to do.  What are you going to take away from my responsibilities here so that I can tend to Matt?  And you’re exact words were ‘let’s see how your relationship evolves on it’s own.’  Well, now you are sticking your nose in and telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing for Matt.  Make up your mind!”

A far cry from “Yes, Sir.”

So what will I say at Maintenance?   Nothing. 

I am good.  I’ll adjust my calendar as best as I can and like always, if I run into challenges in meeting my Duties and Obligations, I’ll talk to Mike.  My tending to Matt’s place is as important as any other Duty and Obligation because Mike wishes it.  That’s good enough for me.

AND EVEN MORE WHAT’S NEXT?
Lastly, this morning Mike told me to think of ideas to spend more time with Matt.  Mike said he feels if it is all just “dinner and a fuck” (his words), that I won’t really be getting to know him better. He told me to talk to Matt and come back with suggestion.   “Yes, Sir.”

I’ll talk to Matt.  Here are some things that come to mind:

  • Perhaps I spend all day on a weekend with him.  Not sure how my schedule can swing that or what kind of cover story we can come up with J. 
  • Maybe he comes to our house more often…dinner and hang out, stuff like that.  Not great one-on-one time, but it isn’t always about one-on-one stuff.  Sharing mundane daily life can be bonding. 
  • Maybe we go somewhere together?  I am not opposed to it, but I really don’t want to be away from Mike and J like that.  I can handle an overnight, but a weekend or something like that?   I don’t think so.   And Mike would definitely have to give me special dispensation from my Duties and Obligations. 

We’ll see.  Mike asked me for ideas on how to spend more time with Matt, not for excuses on why I shouldn’t.  

Enough Matt-talk.  Did you know that my husband sometimes spanks me?  Yes, shocking isn’t it.  You may not know that from my recent posts.  Maybe it’s time to share about a punishment or two?   Next post?     

Next: 246. Subconsciousness of Wrong

 

 

 

218. Other forms of discipline: Restrictions

Hello again.  Mike gave me some internet time this morning.  It is the lesser of an hour or whenever J wakes up.  Thus I got an early start in hopes of getting all of this done before he wakes.

This is the first time I’ve been online since my last post.   Well, that’s not true.  Oops!

As I shared, part of my punishment is that, starting Monday (five days ago),  I could not go online.  Well, to show just how deep I had fallen into my obsession, I cheated the very first day!

Mike allowed me to have my phone when I went to the store.  What could it hurt to take a  quick peek at my comments on my blog?  A peek led to reading more, then liking this one, liking that one. . . oh, what about the reader?  Down the rabbit hole!   I soon felt guilty (not soon enough) and got off my phone.  Of course, I told on myself as I can’t keep such things secret.

I was prepared for a good spanking.  Instead, Mike surprised me.  He put me on restriction – that is, he revoked a variety (okay, A LOT!) of privileges.  He’s rarely done this before, and restrictions typically lasted the rest of the day or at most 24 hours.  This time they are “at least for a week, perhaps longer.”  (they started  the evening of Jan 28).

RESTRICTIONS

  1. Phone and laptop taken away. 
    He carries my phone with him and he took my laptop to his office and is keeping it there.  I am even forbidden from inquiring with him as to who may have called or texted.  He will let me know if something needs my immediate response.    
  2. Sleep in Kayla’s bed at night.
    I am sleeping in Kayla’s room while Kayla sleeps in my bed with Mike.  This is not unheard of, but not for this many days!  
  3. Refrain from sexual activity.
    Of any kind, with anyone, including myself.  I haven’t gone a week without sex in at least three years, maybe more.
  4. No Thursday Maintenance
    If that sounds like a bonus, it isn’t.  I love my maintenance sessions.
  5. “Banked” Discipline until Sunday Maintenance. 
    In other words, no spankings until Sunday.   Sound good?  Nope!  Read #6.  This is one withdrawal from the bank that I don’t look forward to!    hee-hee
  6. Doubly Triply-strict.
    Mike expects, “perfection” from me this week.  As of this writing I have three Transgressions “banked” for tomorrow.  Not bad considering the “perfection” expectation.  But 3 punishments back-to-back-to-back?  Yikes! (plus #7)
  7. Write 100 lines per day.
    New phrase each day.  Lines are critiqued by Mike with two spankings per errors/sloppiness (also “banked” per #5).  Mike has critiqued the ones I’ve done thus far, but hasn’t told me my grade.  I was extremely careful and took my time since there was no time limit on getting them done – and it wasn’t like I had other pressing engagements for “me” time.  (got to keep the humor up!)
  8. Any remaining “me” time is spent in Kayla’s bedroom reading.
    No television, no iPod, nothing.  And when I do have the opportunity to relax I must go to Kayla’s room to read.  Mike doesn’t even want me to lay on our bed or sit in our room.     
  9. No social visits to/from anyone.
    Canceled lunch with my sisters that we had planned, and rescheduled my last “Etiquette” consultation. 
  10. Must remain clothed all day.
    You’d have to be submissive and accustomed to being naked a lot to understand how this is a punishment.  Believe me, it is!
  11. Early bedtime. 
    I get ready for bed as soon as the kitchen is cleaned after dinner – not so much as a “goodnight” from anyone.  I close the bathroom door when bathing (which is not usual), and I put on pajamas before emerging (also not the norm).  I can’t even sleep naked!  I can read and/or journal (or work on #12) until 9:30, but then it is lights out.  If I wake up early, I stay quietly in bed until our normal wake up time. This may sound like a holiday, and while the extra rest is nice, it all feels very isolating.  
  12.  Hand write my weekly research paper.
    Still have to keep with this
    quarter’s goal. Mike printed out several articles on this weeks’ topic since I couldn’t search it myself.  I have to hand write out my report, neatly and double spaced.  The reports are subject to Mike’s critique and shortcomings could result in punishment.  I’ll post about these reports eventually.    
  13.  Restricted from Super Bowl Sinday?
    Mike is undecided as to whether or not I will be allowed to attend.  NO!!!!!  I really want to go.

This hour of internet time today is nice – some “time off for good behavior!”  I am hopeful I get off restriction tomorrow and attend the festivities.  I can sure use a party after a week of feeling isolated and to some degree, bored.      

INTERNET WITHDRAWALS
Not having my phone caused actual withdrawals.  Anxiety and anxiousness abound!  It wasn’t until around Thursday that it seemed like I finally got over it.  I still have a sense of curiosity,  but it isn’t the same painful yearning I first had.  However, those withdrawals were replaced by orgasm withdrawals.  HA!  Actually, not very “ha.”  I am serious.  I am very horny.   Several years of averaging more than one orgasm a day and then cold turkey for a week is a lot of adjustment for my body.   I need oxytocin and all those other feel good endorphins released by sex!  By the way, you know studies show that your brain releases a bit of oxytocin and those other feel good endorphins when you get a “like” on a social media post.  Sure, not the same as sex, but still, just a little tingle for your body to enjo
y. So, give this a “like” and you will be helping me get aroused! Ha!

I will say that losing connection with the internet world was initially disturbing to be, but eventually became peaceful.  Initially a lot of anxiety,  but then calming.  Simply put, the feelings have been weird and remarkable.  I recommend everyone take an occasional internet sabbatical!

SPANKING HIATUS!
My chores and adhering to my rules help keep my submissive mindset, but honestly, having punishments deferred and not having the Thursday Maintenance has left me yearning.  To satisfy it, 
I have gone above and beyond my normal duties to serve Mike this week.  While not perfect, I have been doubly attentive to him and extremely focused on every task.

The results of my punishment?  Well, it has been painful and I can’t wait for it to be over.  I never want to face these restrictions again and will remain diligent with my time.  Aha!  So this discipline is serving its job as being a deterrent and providing me focus to not repeat my misbehavior.  I guess that makes it effective and appropriate — but I still don’t like it! 

HARDEST PARTS
The worst is the nighttime isolation.  Being clothed and not even being seen naked, not having any down time in the evening with Mike and/or Kayla,  having to sleep by myself — It’s a lonely experience, but loneliness can be, and has been, a healing penance. 

The no sex has been tough, especially hearing Mike and Kayla go at it at night.    In some ways hearing them feeds my submissive mindset as it is a very submissive thing for me to accept.  But still, abstinence doesn’t suit me, and having to hear them makes it even more difficult.     

Wearing clothes all day has been tougher than I thought it would be.  I really enjoy being naked.  It reminds me of a story I’ll have to share on a future post of my lack of modesty when I was a little girl.  Another time!   Simply put, I like being naked, more than just from a submissive standpoint.

Being clothed has been even more difficult on days Kayla is home – she remains naked.    Normally, it doesn’t even dawn on me that she (or I) is naked – it has become that  normalized for us. It serves as a reminder to me that I am “different” right now.
This week, I couldn’t stop staring at her.  I even apologized to her if I was “creeping her out” with my stares (she just laughed and said “no.”).   As I started my mind would long to be naked, to be submissive.  

The potential of not being part of the Super Bowl festivities is a severe punishment all by itself.  It is a lot of fun and it will be interesting to have Matt there.  We always have a blast, even pre-DD days, but of course, a mega-blast since then.  It is an excuse we use to be crazy, silly, and adventurous. . .because. . . you know. . .our life outside of this is just so vanilla and boring.  HA!   (Have you noticed I often use humor to cope with a negative situation?  You haven’t?  What are you, new?).  I admit it will hurt if I can’t go.  My fingers are crossed! 

REFLECTION
This punishment isn’t just about
what I did.  It is also about failing to heed Mikes warning and then, even worse, failing to follow his instructions regarding the initial restrictions he imposed.   And it deals with a subject that, at it’s core, is one of those things that caused major problems pre-DD.  From the start of our DD, I specifically identified this as something I wanted to improve about myself as it was a major impediment to my ability to be the wife and mother I wanted to be.

My pre-DD “vices” can be summed up as spending unwisely –money and time.  Add in that I was often controlling, demanding, stubborn and unforgiving.  I never want to go back to that Jenny again. 

I would have preferred a spanking, even a very harsh one, instead of these restrictions.

NOURISHMENT
This week, any time I felt a yearning for submission growing in me, I simply focused on one thought to quickly nourish my submissive mindset — 
Submission isn’t about my preferences.

And with that, my internet time is up!

Next: 219. I am Angry (and that’s okay)

213. Speedy Spanking Summations

I went through my journal and noted some spankings I received since the start of the year that are not as “epic” as the one’s I typically share.  I thought it might be of interest to see the more “mundane” things I mess up on.     

As a point of clarity, I am not diminishing their importance.  Every transgression and punishment has meaning to me.  I just feel all of them are not going to be of interest to readers nor indicate a milestone for me.   

I also want to note as far as severity of the punishment, none of them are mild or moderate — every one is high intensity.   Lately Mike has been in a habit of giving what he calls a6×6 spanking.  Six sets of six spankings, three on each cheek in very fast (and hard) succession.  He lectures in between each set and the final six are of maximum intensity.   I leave every spanking with a very red, warm, and burning butt.

They definitely are serving their purpose as a deterrent.  I’ve noticed that when I am in the corner awaiting my punishments that my mind is thinking about what is to come. This isn’t a bad thing.  It is just what it is. 

I made this recap fun (okay, fun for me) in that I looked up what part of the contract applied to the particular transgression.  

TRANSGRESSION:   left my debit card at a restaurant.
I remembered soon after leaving and doubled back and retrieved it.

  • Violation of Section V.2.3.3. Workload
  • Discipline:  Palms slapped with ruler, then  thirty minutes in the corner with a butt plug in, hands cuffed behind me, then 100 lines, and then 18 spankings by hand, 2 each for 9 errors/sloppy lines, then the “6×6” with a paddle.  Worst part – not being able to scratch an itch while in the corner! j/k, the paddle was worse!

TRANSGRESSION:  Cussing
I am not a big cusser.  It is rare, but I stubbed my toe and in pain and between my clenched teeth I let loose with “God Damn It!”  Luckily my son wasn’t around.

  • Violation of Section V.2.3.1 Feelings
  • Discipline:  Mouth soaping and 15 minutes in the corner with the bar of soap in my mouth, pee rinse and drink, and a “6×6” with the hairbrush.  In addition we had a lecture/talk about whether I was frustrated with other things that may have led to my cussing.  I couldn’t identify any, but I wanted to note this because there are times Mike will use a discipline session as an opportunity to talk WITH me, not just at me. 

TRANSGRESSION: Left a pot of stew on stove 
I had left it to cool before putting it in a container and in the fridge.  I forgot about it!

  • Violation of Section V.2.3.3. Workload and/or V.2.1.4 Homemaker
  • Discipline: Mike called me to the kitchen and gave me a “6×6” with a wooden spoon.  I was a bit apprehensive since our son was home (asleep).  It is very rare for him to ever wake up, but, you just never know.  I accepted it without hesitation but did talk to Mike about it at Maintenance.  He agreed it was not worth the risk and said he would be more discreet.  He praised me for not hesitating and not showing any signs I was put off by it, despite my apprehension.  (Remember – Thanks and Praise!

TRANSGRESSION:  Dress code violation
Hey, it’s winter and it gets cold!  I was naked, as is required when J is in school, but I put socks on because my feet were cold.  I should have asked Mike for permission.  He would have easily granted it (because he has always done so).  I just got lazy and decided not to ask him since he always says yes anyway.  Oops. 

  • Violation of Section V.2.2.3 Attire
  • Discipline:  Always looking to be creative, he took a pair of his socks (mine are too short) and wrapped a sock around each of my breasts and then tied each end of the sock tightly together – sort of homemade breast binder.  It worked surprisingly well — see, you can MacGyver your kink gear!
    He then had me get a handful of ice, clenched my fists, and I held it for 30 seconds.  That doesn’t seem like much, but try it!  He then gave me 30 seconds to pause without the ice in hand, then repeated it, another 30 second break, and then a final 30 again holding the ice — not all punishment involves impact and at least the ice was just in my hand (Post 63) LOL!  He didn’t do a 6×6 – he gave me  lots by hand over his knee.  There was no count, just lots of spanking and lecturing on remembering to ask permission.  

TRANSGRESSION:  Not showing deference to Mike
Mike and I were at John and Donna’s and in conversation I said something about “Mike asked me…”   Mike does not ask me, he instructs, demands, or tells me, things.  I am not to refer to such demands as being “asked.”   The only exception is if indeed Mike was asking me a question, such as for my opinion on something.  I can refer to that as being “asked.”  But if he is giving me something to act upon, he is not asking.   
This was a new rule that we added to our recent Contract and I anticipated it was going to be difficult for me.  In reality, it took me a few weeks to fully master it but after that, I never forgot, until this slip up. 

  • Violation of Section V 2.1.8 Deference
  • Discipline: As what has become the “standard” for things dealing with words I say or don’t say, I received a mouth soaping along with the pee rinse and drink.  As this was at John and Donna’s house and they were witness to my disobedience, they also watched the discipline.  He borrowed one of their hairbrushes  and ended it with a 6×6.  By the way, their hairbrush was more like a paddle disguised as a hair brush.  It was much harder and larger than mine.  This was all extra humbling for me because John and Donna watched.  They’ve seen me punished before, but it has been a long time.   

TRANSGRESSION:  Slouching and not being graceful. 
This is another item that is new to our Contract.  I need to be more graceful in my movements.  This was such a big challenge for me that Mike agreed to pay for classes for me.  Etiquette classes, complete with private sessions with a tutor!  I just started them two weeks ago. The classes are a bit boring, but the private sessions have been a hoot. 
Mike had been lenient on my “gracefulness” because he recognizes it is very challenging to change life long habits of how you carry your body when you walk and sit.  He would often give me reminders and I would not be punished as long as he didn’t have to persistently remind me over a short period of time.
Now that I have attended two classes and 4 private sessions, he expects me to better adhere to the things that have been covered in class and the sessions.  
Over the course of a few days last week he had to remind me several times regarding how I was walking and sitting.  He decided he had given enough reminders and discipline was in order. 

  • Violation of Sections V.2.2.4.1, V.2.2.4.2, V.2.2.4.3, Gracefulness
  • Discipline:  A straight forward old-fashioned belt spanking with my face down on the bed.  I got a 6×6 on my butt and then got several on each thigh. He then had me turn over on my back, spread my legs, and he struck me several times on my inner thigh, just missing my pussy.       

That’s it.  And that’s a lot!  Add to this the two Maintenance Sessions per week, and the “reset” (Post 204), and my butt is a bit shell-shocked.  It has been three weeks and there is still some bruising left from the New Year’s Eve spanking.    

While I admit my butt is sore, emotionally I am very upbeat.  The “reset” is over, I feel highly focused, deeply submitted, and overwhelmingly fulfilled.  I do feel I have a lot on my plate but I am very organized.  I keep a detailed calendar and leave myself little “reminder’ notes here and there.  I am not seeing a lot of repeated misbehaviors regarding the same topic.   I have no complaints . . . which is good, because my Contract requires that I shall remain joyful, scheduled, and optimized regarding my duties. Contract or not, that is my current state!

Next:  214. Nicknames: Opening our Joy Box

175. Bundle of Nerves

175

I am a bundle of nerves.  I’ve been very emotional the last few days and quick to tears.  It’s a good cry, but represents the deep and conflicting emotions I am feeling.

The best analogy I can think of is the feeling I had when I graduated high school.  I feel a high degree of eagerness, offset by the same high degree of apprehension.  Further, I feel a great deal of happiness, offset by a great deal of sadness.  In graduating high school I was eager to get my life moving forward, but it was also apprehensive over what was next.  I also had a great deal of happiness in achieving this milestone and going on to college, but also sadness in knowing I’ll never have all of what and who I left behind.

It all hit me out of the blue.  I was practicing my new Mantra’s and pretty much had them memorized and I wanted to practice in front of Mike for the first time.  I went through the Morning Mantra and got through it fine, but as soon as I was done, I started crying.  Not just a sniffle and tear, but a full on cry.

The words were just so profound and powerful.  I felt this cascade of positive feelings that were warm, loving, safe, secure.  Feelings I felt before, but never with such intensity.   And there was this cascade of more solemn feelings such as the apprehension and sadness.

The sadness was in part for saying “good bye” to my former self.  Not in a “oh, I can’t let you go” type sadness, but more like that high school graduation sadness of saying goodbye to friends you won’t see anymore.  You know you really can see them again if you want to, but you also know that you really don’t want to.  Make sense?   

It may help to break down each feeling.  Even if not interesting to you, it will help me. 

Eager:  I feel a deep longing and a huge sense of dedication.  I feel there is this part of me that I was never sure what it was or if it even existed, only that I’ve been searching for it a very long time.  Now, there it is, right in front of me.  I am fulfilled by it’s presence and eager to embrace it.   As much as I may try to reign in my expectations, they can not be corralled and they run wild. 

Apprehension:  I feel an uneasiness fueled by uncertainty and by the enormity of my eagerness.  The higher my expectations, the further there is to fall if those expectations were unrealistic.  I so much want to be the submissive I have agreed to be and I know over time I will master my new Duties and Obligations, but what of the meantime?  It’s reasonable to expect that as I learn, I’ll fail at times.  I’ve understood that and reconciled that fact many times before.  But this time?  Right now, the thought of disappointing Mike and myself is just too much to even think about.   

Happiness:  I feel happiness on many levels.  From the joy I get in serving Mike, to the profound pleasure I get in deeply submitting to him.  That pleasure is so great that literally I am on the edge of orgasm most of the day.  I had to ask Mike for permission to masturbate today and luckily he said yes.  It took me about five minutes.  He talked to me afterwards and asked me about it and I said I was still turned on.  He allowed me to masturbate one more time and said that would be it for a few days.   I enjoyed what was again about another five minutes, maybe seven.  Suffice to say, I am very turned on right now.   

Sadness: This is a bit harder for me to fully connect with.  It sounds odd and illogical, as emotions often are, but I feel sad for not recognizing sooner the fulfillment our dynamic gives me.  I can rationalize that I wasn’t ready for any version of DD until we actually adopted it.  But it still makes me sad that I wasn’t ready for it sooner.  Sad that Mike had to live with and experience the sub-optimal Jennifer for so many years.  And to be honest, there is also a tinge of sadness for what I am leaving behind regarding many controls of my day to day living.  As a former control freak…ahem, is there really such a thing?  I think once a control freak, always a control freak    Okay, as a RECOVERING control freak who has learned to find pleasure in not having control, there is still a part of me that mourns the loss of control.  Even though I love my submission more than I love any control, that need for control is rooted in my upbringing and what I interpreted my mom to mean by “love life, every moment, every day.” 

FEMINISM REVISITED
I wrote about this many times so no need to “go there” again (Most notably in Post 120).  Suffice to say, I still consider myself a feminist.   The difference is that I no longer believe in the precept of equality that pre-DD Jenny had. Pre-DD Jenny would advocate that women needed to assert and claim their equality else they would never achieve it.  I now believe our equality is about choice, and we can choose to assert and claim it, or not.   

Equality is not about sameness.  Mike and I are not the same.  But we are equal in so much as 1 plus 1 equals 2 (or more precisely, Mike + Jen = 1).    We can not be one without the other and we are  equal in what makes us one.

Equality is about having access to the same opportunities, whether or not I choose to claim that opportunity.  If a woman wants the opportunity to lead, inside the home or out, so be it.  If a woman wants the opportunity to be submissive, so be it.  If a woman wants something in-between, so be it.  You just need surround yourself with those that allow you to be you.  I have chosen to be submissive to Mike, and am fortunate that he has accepted me as his submissive, just as he accepted me when I was anything but submissive.  Okay, I guess I “went there” again.  Can’t help it.

Enough of this.  Say, want to hear about a spanking?  Maybe next time.  It was (or at least should be) the last spanking under our 2.0 Contract.   We are doing our Signing Ceremony tonight, so technically the new terms are not yet in place.   As long as I behave from now until then, the spanking I am thinking of sharing would be the last under our prior contract. 

NEXT:  176.  Thirty-Seven Hours

 

 

 

157. A Severe Punishment for Two

157

It’s been awhile since I’ve shared a punishment story, so as promised in my last post, here you go!

This one is about Kayla (well not entirely as you will find out).  I know as per Post 148, that Mike decreed that I was to no longer punish Kayla.  Well, that lasted about six weeks, but perhaps may last longer next time.   

THE TRANSGRESSION
Our son was visiting his cousins, Mike was out running errands, and Kayla and I were at Donna’s, just hanging out.  Donna was sharing some of the things that John does to help around the house, “just because he wants to”, and of course Kayla was quick to brag on Mike.  She proudly explained that Mike doesn’t have to do any chores, but he will occasionally empty the dishwasher or sweep the floor.  Kayla then added, “and I know when Mike empties the dishwasher because he has a bad habit of leaving every cupboard and drawer open.”

My jaw dropped.  You see, one of Kayla’s Acts of Service is to always talk complimentary of Mike to others – never criticize him in front of others.  Kayla’s excuse was, “It’s just Donna.”  I didn’t accept that.  This was not in keeping with a submissive mindset and is something she not only agreed to adhere to, but it was her idea to do so.  As such, she should know better and her flippant retort made it worse.   

I felt that Mike would want to immediately address this.  I sent him a short text and he called me.  I put Kayla on the phone and had her explain it.  That alone made her cry.   Mike then put me back on the phone.  I  asked him that if he felt this should be quickly dealt with that I was willing to handle it.  He paused and then said he didn’t want me to do anything if I felt it would “interfere with my peace.”  I told him it would not, so long as I knew this is what he wanted.  He then said yes, he wanted me to spank her a “sufficient” number of times and then Kayla should be “soaped” until he got home.  

JEN SPANKS KAYLA
I borrowed a paddle from Donna and spanked Kayla right there in front of Donna.  And to be honest, I spanked her really hard.  She was crying, as she is apt to do from a spanking.  She’s always been a crier, and while she doesn’t cry as much or as loudly as she used to, she was crying pretty good with this spanking.  I then sent her home and told her to start writing lines until I got there.  “I will always speak positively of Sir in front of others.”

JEN SPANKS KAYLA AGAIN
I waited about twenty minutes and then left Donna’s and returned home.  I was shocked again to find her writing her lines but fully clothed.  It is a long established rule that we disrobe when we enter the house if there are no kids expected.  I guess I was on a roll as I had her disrobe and spanked her again.  Again, very hard, and again, she cried.

SOAPING
I led her to the bathroom, got the soap, and lathered up her tongue and mouth and then had her bite down on the bar and hold it in her mouth.  I told her to kneel in the corner and stay there until Mike got home.  

Mike came home about forty minutes later.  That’s a long time to hold soap in your mouth.  He talked to me about what happened and got an update.  He then waited.  He knew Kayla heard him come home, but he didn’t immediately attend to her.  He waiting another fifteen minutes, so in total, it was an hour in the corner with soap in her mouth. He told me to stay out of the room but to come in after fifteen minutes. 

MIKE SPANKS KAYLA
I didn’t witness it but Mike spanked her for almost all that fifteen minutes before I came into the room.  Kayla was sobbing and a drooling soapy mess as she still had the soap in her mouth as I walked in and Mike continued spanking her.  I assumed my spanking her would be it, but clearly, it was not.  I felt bad because I really spanked her hard and would have probably gone a little easier had I known Mike would spank her again.

Mike then told Kayla to finish writing lines until she got to 100.  As she sat down to write, Mike then turned to me and said, “We have another issue to address.”

MIKE SPANKS JEN
Mike said that he wasn’t happy that I spanked Kayla for not undressing when she entered the house.  He said I should have reported this to him first before taking any action.  He reminded me that since our
therapy sessionI’ve actually achieved the mindset I was looking for (as shared on my prior post as well as two posts ago.   Now I put that at risk by spanking Kayla without his permission.   

So he spanked me using a thin bamboo paddle.  He said it would be one spanking for each line Kayla had to write.  100!  He stopped at 90 and had Kayla administer the last 10. He told her that if the swats were not to his liking that she would be in for 100 more.  Kayla didn’t disappoint!  Ouch!  He then had Kayla give me a half-dozen swats on each palm with a ruler.  He told me perhaps I’d think of this the next time I feel compelled to raise a hand to Kayla’s ass without his permission.  He then had me stand in the corner until Kayla finished her lines.  

MIKE SPANKS KAYLA AGAIN
He wasn’t quite done with Kayla’s punishment.  As part of our writing lines punishments, we may have to write additional lines and/or get spankings for any mistakes or sloppiness in the lines we wrote.  Mike found a few lines that were not to his liking, and spanked Kayla again.   In all, the spankings she got over the prior two hours were probably the hardest spankings she had received in a long time, and there were a lot of them.  So we were in the same boat.  Very sore and red asses!  In fact, my redness was colored with several purples splotches.  

AFTER CARE
We then had a collective After Care with Mike.  He had Kayla apologize to me for behaving in such a way that required immediate action on my part.  And I apologized to her for spanking her without Mike’s permission.  And that was that, all was forgiven.

POST SCRIPT
So what did I feel about what happened?  Nothing out of the ordinary, just a sore bum!    That’s just the life of a submissive.  I feel Mike acted totally appropriately as clearly both Kayla and I misbehaved.   

Ha, I find it funny that I am okay using the word “behave.”  I would have previously written something like, “…both Kayla and I failed to adhere to our commitments.”    I would have felt “behave” was juvenile or demeaning in some way.   Not anymore.  It is an appropriate word because submission is all about my behaviors, so when I submit according to my commitment, I am behaving.   Simple as that.   I think my finding comfort in some of the vocabulary terms that I previously hated is another sign of my progression with a submissive mindset.    

Just another example of how words are power, which makes our upcoming contract renegotiation interesting – but that’s for another post.  

I marvel in reflection at how definitive our
closing ceremonyis regarding a punishment.  No matter how intense the punishment, how emotional either I or Kayla gets, or whatever the circumstances are, when it is over, it is over.  All is truly forgiven and no one dwells on it.  

That was evidenced by how Kayla reacted afterwards.  She looked at me a bit later and said with a wry smile, “Man, I won’t do that again.”  To which I replied as I hugged her, “That makes two of us.”  We never talked of it again as there is simply no need.    

NEXT:  158. Jen’s Simple Tips and my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline

 

33. Reason=Conclusions. Emotions=Fulfillment.

Just a quick post as soon my parents are picking up my son for a two-week stay with them. Mike and I are eager to begin our M/s immersion!   Mike has been sharing the rules for our immersion with me so I can be prepared and suffice to say, I am excited. There are some things that are quite shocking for me and that will be very uncomfortable (not just physically, but emotionally), but I am eager to please and willing to try everything he has laid out thus far. It seems so odd that the more I submit to Mike, the more I want to submit. It feeds on itself.

I’ve shared some of the reasons I believe are behind this in posts like Quick Reflections. I have another quick thought on why this has been so fulfilling for me. I have always tended to be more “reason-based” in my thinking. I would think through the various angles and then arrive at a conclusion. “Reason” is good that way. It results in conclusions.

One of the best rules of our DD is that I share everything and share it immediately, including my thoughts, dreams, and desires. The result is I am thinking more freely, thinking and sharing more on emotion, sharing what I am feeling in that moment, without any filters of “reason.”  I have found it liberating to share those thoughts. What I’ve found is that while “reason” is a good way to arrive at a sound conclusion, it is “emotion” that leads to fulfillment and action.

It is emotion that reveals the essence of who you are. Sharing that essence with Mike, and having him accept it and reciprocate that sharing is at the heart of why this has been so rewarding to me.

Okay, enough of my esoteric ramblings. It’s time for my immersion to begin. I may not post for a while. Mike has said no posting (or even asking for posting time) unless he specifically tells me to do so.

NEXT: 34. Immersion Complete