48. Birth of a Dom. Backstory.

This post belongs with the post “47. Birth of a Dom.”   You should read that one up to the point it links you to this post, prior to reading this one.     

Here is an example of events from the last two days living under my Attitude Adjustment.

We woke up.  He and I exchanged “good mornings” and he immediately corrected me.   “It’s good morning, Sir.   That will be an Immediate Reward.  Stay where you are.” (Which was in bed, on my belly, and already naked).   He got up and pulled the covers off.  I didn’t count but figure he gave me about 25 and they were very firm ones by hand.   Per our Contract, Immediate Rewards are delivered quickly and without warm ups.  He then asks me why I received the Reward and I replied, “I forgot to say ‘Sir’, Sir.”

With that he gave me about another 25 very firm ones, again by hand.  This is all keeping with how Immediate Rewards are administered per the Contract.  Spanking, state the reasons for it, then final spanking.  There was appropriate after care and that was that.

Then it was on to the Calisthenics of Doom
As per our morning ritual under our “Attitude Adjustment” period, I got out of bed and immediately dropped to the floor into “push-up” position ready to receive another spanking.  However, Mike had a twist.  Normally the “push up” spankings are where I am in the push up position while he spanks me, I don’t actually do push-ups.  If my knees touch, the spanking starts over.  This time he told me I had to actually do a push up between spankings.  I am not in the greatest shape, plus I am getting spanked, so 10 is not that easy for me, especially when he is spanking me slowly and I have to hold the position a long time.  He used his belt.  The first time I got to 7 and then barely touched the floor with a knee.  The second time and third time I only got to 5.  After that my arms were getting tired.  I only made it to four, then to just three.  That’s 24 spankings!   He said I would get another 24 since I couldn’t finish.  He had me get up and bend over and hold my ankles.  If I let go, the 24 would start over.  This time he used the new 12’ oak paddle with holes and was striking fairly firmly and rapidly.

This paddle is not too bad but he was doing them quickly so the stings rapidly multiplied, and keep in mind I already received 50 by hand and 24 with the belt.  I had to use our safe word to take a pause a little more than half-way through.  I regained myself and made it through the rest without incident.  He said that each morning would be like this until I could make it through the 10 push-ups.  Suffice to say, I willed myself through all 10 push-ups every day since.

Once the push-ups were done, it was on to the Jumping Jacks.  This is where he puts these nipple clamps on me that are a little heavy and I have to do 10 jumping jacks in a row.  The jumping jacks will stop if I can’t make it to 10, but then I earn 10 spankings for every jumping jack I didn’t do.  I have never made it past 5 before as the heavy clamps are just too much.    Anyway, after already being spanked very firmly 98 times now, I was going to try my best to get all the way to 10.  I made it to 8, a personal best, before I just had to put my arms down and grab my bend over from the pain.  Mike then told me to bend over and rest my elbows on the bed to, “Get the 20 I owed him.”   A term he hadn’t used before.   This time he used a rubber paddle, that is sort of half-way like a wooden paddle and half-way like a strap, but the texture seems to have more of a bite as it always makes me a bit raw.

That’s 118 spankings to start the morning.  That got the heart pumping and blood flowing better than a triple expresso, with the added pain/pleasure of my ass pulsating throughout breakfast.

Once the calisthenics were done, I got up and immediately got out the tack bra and put it on, as expected of me during this Attitude Adjustment period.

Now let me digress a bit about the bra. . .

I’ll get back to the experience that morning in a moment, but first want to relate what happened the day before regarding the bra.  After several inspections of my breasts upon removing the bra, Mike decided they weren’t poking me enough.  I would have little red dots here and there, and a few light scratches here and there, but he felt that didn’t reflect a very high level of discomfort.  Hate to admit it, but he was right.  While I was always feeling their presence, they only a minor nuisance except for an occasional poke when I would reach up, or bend a certain way, or if something pressed up against my chest.  The tacks were not in very firmly so there was some give to them.   While that was good from a poking perspective, it did mean they would sometimes shift to the side and scrape instead of poke.  They did actually stick me sometimes where I have pull them out, but they don’t go deep.  I never drew blood.

After his inspection Mike added 10 more tacks to each cup, making it 45 in each and even carefully lined some up to come out at around my nipples – an area I had purposely avoided putting any.  Once he made the adjustment I found it was just too much on my sensitive nipples and one was really sticking one of my nipples.  My dilemma was what to say to him.  While I can’t complain, I am compelled to be honest and to share what I am feeling, so, with that I said as matter-of-factly as possible,

“Sir, while they can stay if you want them do, the tacks near my nipples are proving challenging.   I think my reaction when they poke or scrape will cause our son to ask more questions, and they also may prevent me from doing certain tasks without serious injury.”

There.  I said it without asking him anything or complaining.  Just the facts!  He then gave me a choice.

“Okay Jen, you can adjust them, but first, come here.”

He looked me straight in the eyes as his hands went up my shirt and over my bra.  He firmly squeezed and said, “Count to 10.”

I was shocked as this seemed unnecessary and mean.  I already said they were hard to deal with and I had not even had it on for very long.  Now he presses them into me?

I didn’t argue and started counting.

Once to 10 he said, “Okay, take it off and make your adjustments.”

I took off my shirt and as I removed my bra, there were several that had pierced my skin, enough that when I let go of the bra it stayed pinned to my tits.  He watched as a plucked the three or four that had penetrated each breast and then casually said, “Make your adjustments and get it back on.”

This really shocked me as it seemed punitive and mean.  Had this been prior to our argument I know I would have said something.  I again did my best to dismiss the increasing thoughts I was having that he was just being mean and he must be angry at something.  Despite those feelings I didn’t say anything other than, “Yes, Sir.”

Okay, back to the morning experience.

I put on the bra and we went about our morning routine.  Our son was still asleep so it was just Mike and I that were awake.  I had just made some eggs and was walking the plate over to the table when Mike walked in the kitchen.  Suddenly he took my wrist and walked me to our bathroom.  He had never grabbed me in such a way before.   He had me pull down my pants as he grabbed the hairbrush and gave me 20 quick ones.  It was another Immediate Reward.  ? ? ?   I am supposed to state what I did wrong, but honestly I didn’t know.  That meant another 20 quick ones.  Then Mike explained I had left egg shells in the sink.  I rudely told him that I hadn’t started cleaning yet.

He then told me to bend over and he gave me another 20 quick ones.  At least I was able to explain why.

“I should not have talked back, Sir.”

He lectured and said I am not to create extra work and the moment I put the eggs in the sink I should have made sure they were down the drain and not left them behind for even a minute later.  He then gave me 20 more as the end of the Immediate Reward for the egg shell issue, and then gave me 20 more as the end of the Immediate Reward for talking back.  That’s right, it was 100 with the hairbrush.  I already had 118 to start the morning.  I got the normal aftercare and “all is forgiven” and then he went to have his breakfast.

I was dumfounded, and my ass was sore.  218 in about a thirty minute period is a lot for me, and all of them were very firm ones.  I felt like crying because by this time my suspicions that he was mad were no longer just suspicions.  He had to be mad at me and he had never given punishments before in anger.

When he left for work, it was only about 10 minutes to 8:00.  As part of my “Adjustment,” once he is ready to leave for work I can remove my bra and he will put clips on my nipples.  I have a small, somewhat discreet pair that hide well under the right clothing.  They have a little screw mechanism that tightens or loosens the pinch they can deliver.   When Mike said he was about ready to leave it was my cue to go to the bedroom and remove my shirt and bra and have the clamps in my hand ready to give to Mike.  Mike came in and put the clamps on and gave them a couple of extra twists so they were really tight.  He said, “Since they only have to be on for 10 minutes, they should be extra snug.”   Then he kissed me goodbye and left for work.

I was tempted to loosen them.  Not because it was unbearable, but I felt the entire morning was full of anger and spite on his part, so in spite I should loosen them, or even just remove them.  But I didn’t.  Despite what I was feeling, enough of me was still saying to trust Mike and stick with the program.

I set my alarm on my phone to go off every hour so I can add/remove whatever is required.  I am also required to text Mike with simply, “Made the change.”  Mike did check up on my sometimes, requiring me to Facetime with him and show him that yes, I made the change.  While Mike never set a strict time, he did say that I was not to ever swap items early and could deviate by being late by no more than a “few minutes.”   Other than any Facetime check-in’s this was the honor system, but our DD requires me to be honest, and I am committed to being honest.

That afternoon I had some errands to run and had my son with me.  I was out for a few hours and it was kind of comical as it came time to swap something out.  Finding a restroom is easy enough, but sometimes timing things would be a challenge.  If I had to be in a line that I could tell could take 10 minutes, but only had 5 until “changing” time, do I risk it?  Nope, I’d find some reason to putter around for another five minutes, then have to find the restroom, then got in line.  I had to tell my son my tummy was a bit upset, thus the many bathroom breaks.  I had already told him that my occasional flinch or shriek from the tacks was due to a sore back that would twinge when I moved just right.  Oh the things we have to tell our kids in order to live our DD lifestyle!

So it was about 3:45 and I was ready to head home.  I was about maybe 10 minutes from home, 15 max, so I felt like I could make it home by the 4pm “change.”  It was either that or wait around 15 minutes, find a bathroom, and then leave for home.  I had enough of that and I knew I could make it, so I headed home.

Damn traffic!

There was a stop light that was malfunctioning that caused traffic to back up.  When I got home I rushed to my room and took the clamps off and got my plug in and looked at the time, 4:12.  Not too bad.

I texted Mike, “Change made.”

He texted back, “Coming home now.”

I wasn’t sure if that was in response to me being late, or he was just letting me know he was getting off early.  Given the events of the morning, I was reading anger into his text, so suspected it was the former, not the latter.

When he got home he greeting me and our son as usual.  Some relief on my part, until he whispered in my ear, “You need to go to your room.  I want you naked and kneeling in corner. Lock the door and get up only to let me in.”

When our son is home I don’t undress while waiting for Mike to come to the room to give me a spanking.  This is in case our son happens to walk in the room while I am waiting.   Once Mike is in the room I will disrobe as we will have locked the door.  This was different.  By itself no big deal, but again, it just seemed like he was looking for ways to be mean and mess with routine.

He knocked on the door and I got up and let him in.

He said, “Back to the corner.”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded.

He got out of his work clothes then came out and said 12 minutes late was not acceptable.  At this point I was frustrated with the entire day’s events and had to say something.  I knew I shouldn’t try to make excuses for being late, so I instead just simply said, “Sir, what’s wrong, you seem angry?”

He called me over from the corner and said, “I am not angry, I would never punish you in anger.  Now you know you are not to speak when you are in the corner and you are not to question a punishment.  You have your Maintenance Session on Sunday where you can ask for clarification.   Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded.

“Do you know why you are receiving this Reward,” he asked?

“Yes, Sir, I was late taking the clamps off and putting the plug in.  And I talked while I was in the corner.”

“Correct, that’s two Rewards.  Get the Prison Strap,” he ordered.

He had me lay on my stomach on the bed.   He said these were going to be very hard ones but would just be five.   He went and turned the shower on and the TV on in our room to help muffle the noise.  Thus far we’ve been able to execute all Rewards without raising questions from our son about noise.

While my ass was no longer pulsating for the 218 from the morning, it was still very sensitive.   The first whack caused me to bury my face deep into a pillow, and the second one caused me to scream into the pillow.  Yes, there was pain, but despite what Mike said, I still felt these were angry spankings.  Along with the pain was worry and yes, for the first time ever, a bit of fear.

I got through the five but was crying quite heavily.   Mike told me to stay in the room, get the Wand and masturbate, then shower and relax.  He was going to take our son with him to go pick up dinner and bring it home so I wouldn’t have to cook.

While not having to cook was a nice gesture, I wasn’t in a masturbating mood, but girls, that changes almost instantly when you touch that wonderful wand to your clit.   As lovely as climaxing is, and as relaxing as the shower was, I was still worried about Mike’s behavior.

That evening we had our dinner and I got our son to bed.  When I got out to the living room Mike immediately tells me to go to my room, get naked, and wait for him kneeling in the corner.   I thought, but didn’t say it, “WTF, what now?”   I went to the room, disrobed, and stood in the corner.  He kept me waiting for thirty minutes.

I let him in the room and went back to my corner to await instructions.  He didn’t say anything.  He went to use the bathroom then came out and turned on the TV and watched for another fifteen minutes or so.   My knees were hurting as our hard floors are not ideal for extended kneeling.

Finally he turns off the TV and calls me over.  He didn’t ask me why I was about to be punished, as he clearly knew I had no clue.

He said, “Since I’ve been home you’ve been sulking. Your blank stares and expressionless responses to things are displeasing to me.  No doubt you are aware, as I am sure your ass is fully aware as well, that I have been strict lately.  Did you think I would let that sulking go unpunished?”

“No, sir,” I replied.

“Well, I will let it go.  I will make this one last exception.  Let me explain.”

? ? ? I was perplexed? ? ?

Return to 47. Birth of Dom

NEXT: 49. Revealing More

47. Birth of a Dom

As with many posts, to fully understand some of my references you may want to refresh yourself with my Contract, especially regarding Immediate Rewards and our Rewards Ceremony, and be aware of our temporary Attitude Adjustment reminders.

This is a long post, which I really try to avoid, but I think it has something for those that like the added insights, context, and emotions, and for those that like the saucy spanking stories.

I’ve created a Dominant!  As my Domestic Discipline has become more focused on Service and Submission and as I become more submissive, it stands to reason my husband therefore has become more Dominant.   Recent events made the transition official.

Let me preface this by saying that there are likely some of you in a D/s relationship who wouldn’t identify what we are doing as D/s.  I get it.  Labels can be difficult to affix to any relationship, as there are likely many inconsistencies you can find with any label you use for your relationship, but ultimately you settle on the one that seems to be the most consistent, but not exact.   I still think of TTWD as DD, and probably will for some time, but clearly, there is a march towards a more D/s relationship as evidenced by what I am sharing today.

Our recent Argument marked a transition from Mike taking his lead from me, where he responds to my duties and obligations, to one where he simply takes the lead, and creates my duties and obligations. The bit of irony in this is that a lot of the behaviors Mike exhibits are the same ones I used to call our neighbor a jerk for doing to his wife.  Of course, that was before I knew they had their own version of DD, D/s, M/s going on.  It may sound like I don’t like this transition in Mike, but far from it.  I am just pointing out that bit of irony.  Something I once saw in someone as “jerkiness,” I now see in my husband as loving – and in fact, I want it and crave it from him.

Here’s what happened:

If you’ve read most of journey you know I often refer to this as “My version of DD” and that “my DD” is all about me.  That’s been very true.  Mike has followed my lead when it comes to setting rules and punishments.  It wasn’t lost on me that when I asked him to come up with ideas for the “Attitude Adjustments” that he came up with all of them without my input.  And he didn’t present them as options or in a way that conveyed they were up for discussion.  He just said what they were going to be and that was that.  I really liked that!

What I didn’t like was that he has been very strict with me since implementing those “adjustments.” I’ve received countless more punishments over the last few days and at first began to feel there was an overtone of anger or resentment coming from Mike.    I’ve learned to dismiss those feelings in the past as his intentions have always been nothing more than loving when it comes to our DD.  If you read other stories, hopefully you see just how true that is.  However, it got to the point that it was getting hard for me to dismiss those feelings.

To keep this post short, I created a separate post that gives you an example of the events of the last few days.    Click here to read about those last few days.  
If you want to skip the details (those that like punishment stories should not skip), read on now. If you are returning from reading the details, welcome back!
. . . . .
. . . . .
Mike:  “I was going to wait until your Maintenance Session to explain, but I just couldn’t let you go on feeling what I can see in your eyes that you are feeling.  So, I decided we will have that talk now.”

He said he feels he has “consistently been inconsistent” since we started DD, and part of that is because he was always trying to follow what I explicitly wanted.  Even though the contract gave him a lot of latitude, if there was some behavior that wasn’t explicitly in the contract, he would either let it go, or get clarification from me first.  He said the reason he knew the contract so well was because he read it a thousand times.  He always wanted to make sure he was only doing what I wanted.  He told me that he has come to believe that what I now truly wanted was not for him to just follow my lead, but to actually just lead.  That meant he needed to go beyond just seeing if I failed to meet my own expectations, and then tying MY intended consequence to that transgression.  He had to actually set his own expectations of me and set my consequences.

He explained it best something like this,

“Think of it this way, Jen.   You expect ‘x’ of yourself and if you don’t do ‘x’ you have asked me to deliver the “y” as a consequence.   What did I bring to that event?  Just my body to give a punishment.  Not my mind, not my feelings, not my expectations.  That has worked up until recently, especially because I had no idea what I was doing at first or what it was you really wanted.  But we have both grown to a new level of understanding about what our DD means to us and how to use it, and you have grown to want more service and submission.  I believe in order to truly serve and submit the way you now want and need it, we need to change the equation.  The equation should be, I expect ‘x’ of you and if you don’t do ‘x’ then I deliver whatever “y” consequence I deem appropriate.”

Wow.  Yes, he was asking to lead.  He was asking to be Dominant.

He asked, “So, is that what you want from me?”

“Yes, Sir, absolutely,” I answered enthusiastically.

“So how am I doing,” he asked?

“Wonderfully.” And with a slight pause I added with the tone of a verbal approving wink, “Sir.”

We talked some more and at least for now, no dramatic changes in my rules, just a strict enforcement.  With that he said my “Adjustment” period was over and he said, “That doesn’t mean we get rid of the tack bra.  In fact, I want you to use your sewing and craft skills to make a better one.  That’s your first new order.”

“Yes, Sir!”

Next:  48. Birth of Dom. Back story.  If you didn’t read it, you can read it now!

46. Reflections: Service, Submission, Brass Tacks, and Colonel Jessup?

This is one of those self-reflecting posts; however, for those that like to hear stories of submission, there is something in it for you as well.   Lastly, if you are a fan of a Few Good Men, the next time you watch it I hope you remember reading this post and it puts an extra smile on your face.

Reflecting on the Argument
Wow, three straight days of posting.  That’s unusual but is due to a combination of less hectic demands of the day and better organization on my part.

While all is forgiven regarding the Argument, I still need to understand what led to it so as not to repeat it.  I am not dwelling on it from the perspective a negative emotion like guilt or shame.  I am reflecting on it to seek a greater understanding for the triggers that led to my behavior.

Thank you jadescastle!
I have to thank jadescastle for her comments that rang very true to me.  She thought perhaps it was a combination of vulnerability and anger that compromised my coping skills.  I believe that was a big part of it.   The lack of control over my son’s injury along with the challenges in dealing with his compounded needs certainly had me in a vulnerable state.  No system, DD or otherwise, is a guarantee that you won’t be emotionally vulnerable from time to time.  I just didn’t recognize it because until then, a situation like this hadn’t occurred since we began our DD.  I believe now I will be more sensitive to recognizing the early signs and avoid a recurrence of what happened.

I also believe part of it was that I was sensing the distance that I was getting from our DD and it made me anxious.  I enjoy our DD.  I want our DD.  I need our DD.  (Said in my head with the intensity of Colonel Jessup).   In fact, that inspired me to modify his monologue.  It would be my message to anyone who finds anything to do with DD abhorrent and who feels entitled for me to explain myself:

You can’t handle the truth!  Women live in a world that has challenges, and we can get help with those challenges from our men.  Who else is gonna’ do it?  You?  I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom.  You weep for my DD and you curse our methods.  You have that luxury of not knowing what I know.  Our DD, while at times uncomfortable, improves our lives.  And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, improves our lives.  You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you want some DD, you need some DD.  We use words like Duties, Obligations, and Rewards.  We use these words as the backbone of our lifestyle.  You use them as a punchline.  I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who has no idea as to the fulfillment, nurturing and love I receive and provide, and then question the manner in which I receive and provide it.   I would rather you just said “good for you,” and went on your way.  Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a paddle and stand ready to receive it.  Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Okay, I digress.  Back to the issue at hand.   Although I sensed the distance, I told myself I could handle it and it was temporary and I would “close the gap” soon enough on my own.   Thus I resisted when Mike forced the issue.

One major “doh!” moment was courtesy of another comment from jadescastle, pointing out I could clean/cook while on the phone.  I feel like I am not as good of a listener when I multi-task, but, given my top commitments are to my family, it would have been an easy and preferred trade-off versus ignoring my duties.

Lastly, jadescastle mentioned something about “not prioritizing over his needs.”  That statement really hit home as it reminded me that serving him is what gives me tremendous pleasure, more pleasure than helping my niece, more pleasure than anything else.

“Serving him” was not what I originally intended with our DD, but I get tremendous joy in doing so and I momentarily forgot that.  I’ve learned I really love submission.  In fact, I have come to think of what we do not as Domestic Discipline, but as Service and Submission.  If SS was an understood and accepted term, that is what I would call our DD going forward.

As such, I asked Mike for something.  I asked him for a Reward that could be considered an overall “attitude adjustment.”   Things that would remind me and demonstrate my love for serving him and my willingness to submit to him.

Mike came up with some things which we implemented yesterday.  We will review them at our next Maintenance Session to discuss what, if anything, will continue.  I call these my Service and Submission Reminders as the purpose of this exercise is to get me refocused on my desire to serve and submit.

Mike came up with two of what he calls “Behavioral” Reminders:

  1.  Mike leads:  He will lead me when we are out in public. I will walk a step behind him and he will hold my wrist, not my hand.   I don’t think people pay that much attention, but if they do, the visual is clear – he is leading me.
  2. I do not speak:  In any interaction with others, I will not speak until given permission, which may be verbal or a head nod from Mike. We did this during our M/s immersion.  It is awkward and uncomfortable, but I think of it as a game.  I like to see the reaction it gets when someone asks me something and I look to Mike and he either answers it or nods his head to allow me to speak.  And when I do speak, more often than not the answer is, “Whatever pleases him.”

He then came up with two of what he calls “Physical” Reminders:

  1. Daily physical challenge: Mike had me make a Tack Bra. It took some trial and error, but I had a bra that turned out to be perfect for this.  It had just enough padding and material so the tacks held snug yet still left enough of the tip out to provide the right amount of poke.  There are 35 tacks in each cup.  While absolutely uncomfortable, it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting.  It definitely serves as a constant reminder of my service.  Certain movements will give me a scrape or poke.  I had to explain my occasional teeth gritting or mild groan to my son.  I had to tell him my back was hurting a little and if I twisted just right it would give me a sharp pain.
    So, here is my daily routine for the near future:
    – Each morning we start with the Calisthenics of Doom. 10 jumping jacks and 10 swats in push up position.  And if you read the post out these “exercises” you’ll know that the 10 jumping jacks could come with 50+ swats depending on how well I do.  Definitely gets your blood pumping first thing in the morning.  Better than any caffeine!
    – I put on my tack bra and do not take it off until he is ready to leave or start work (sometimes he works from home).  At that time he will affix clamps to my nipples to the pressure of his liking and I am to leave them until the top of the current hour.  At that time I remove the clamps and now have to insert and keep an anal plug in for one hour.  I then remove it and wait an hour before starting over with the bra.  The process repeats until Mike gets home from work.  If he isn’t working from home he can face time me any time during the day to check on my adherence.   The times work out something like this:  6:30am calisthenics of doom, bra on immediately following the calisthenics, so from about 6:50-7:30, maybe 7:45am.  Clamps on until 8:00am, plug in from 8am-9am.  9-10am break.  10-11am bra, 11-12pm clamps, 12-1pm plug, 1-2pm break.  2-3pm bra, 3-4pm clamps, 4-5pm plug.  5pm bra ,and then Mike is typically home or done with work about 5:30.  He said typically I will keep the tack bra on until after dinner and then can remove it until our son is asleep.
    I must adhere to this even when I go out during the day, so I have to take my “supplies” with me.   A lot more trips to bathrooms than usual so I can swap items out!
  2.  Bare Down There!:   We got a sitter for Friday and are going over to John and Donna’s. Mike picked up a Brazilian Waxing kit.  It is supposedly a very good one and he bought a wax warmer so we don’t accidentally burn anything precious!   He and John are going to watch Donna give me a wax.  I’ve never been fully bare.  The thought of not having a trained professional doing the waxing concerns me a bit.  Donna and I watched some videos this morning so hopefully we know what we are doing.

Also borrowing from our M/s experiment, Mike is enforcing a strict bedtime for me as I haven’t been sleeping as much as I should.   This is something I actually love.  Good rest is definitely a reward!  I should be going to sleep earlier but it is something I would never do unless Mike tells me.   Last night I went to bed about 8:30 with instructions to journal, masturbate to climax, then go to bed.  I am to sleep naked and when Mike gets to bed he might wake me for sex, it is up to him.  Last night I was asleep by 9:15.  It was wonderful, and yes, he did wake me for sex.

Overall, the argument was a good thing.  It made me appreciate what I have with Mike and have an even greater appreciation for sticking with our DD.   Best yet, it made me full recognize and acknowledge to myself that service and submission is what completes me.

NEXT:  47. Birth of a Dom

45. Argument – Part 2

If you missed it, read Argument – Part I first.

I didn’t intend to leave you with a cliff hanger, but I ran out of time, plus the last post was kinda long anyway.  Hopefully the suspense was fun.

What was on the bed?

On the bed was the Prison Strap, and our Contract.  Laying on top of the contract was a pair of scissors.

The message was clear.  Mike was giving me a choice.  Either forget our DD, or not.

I got to give Mike credit.   He has always remained so calm and cool throughout our DD journey.   He has been unwavering in using our DD in the way I designed it and for honoring the intentions I had for DD.  He has always been sure to make DD about me and my commitments to myself, and nothing else.  His gesture with these two objects was a reminder that I had choice – either my Duties or Obligations that I created and I committed to are important and valuable, or, they are not.  In fact, this was eerily similar to the exact same reminder I had just given him a week or so ago when he suggested we defer our Maintenance Sessions and I asked them to continue because I didn’t want us drifting off course with our DD.

So, what was my choice?  Strap or the scissors?

The scissors of course.  Hell if I am going to endure that Prison Strap.

Domestic Discipline Out.   End of Domestic Discipline, Jenny Style!

 – Goodbye! – 

Just kidding!  I went with the strap.

I cried because it was the perfect gesture at the perfect time.  I needed something to cut through the noise of life and get me refocused on what is most important to me.   It also reminded me that our DD is about me and what I want.  Mike is willing to take it or leave it.  He participates because he knows it is important to me, and by being important to me, it is important to him.  It reminded me that in some ways he is also a submissive.  He is submitting to my desire to be submissive.  I can’t believe I just yelled at him and told him I can’t believe what he is doing to me.  Everything he has done under DD is what I’ve asked for. What I said to him was horrible.

I undressed, picked up the strap, and walked to his office, despite the proximity to my son’s room.

I walked in and he didn’t say anything.  I took a submissive pose and knelt before him and raised up my arms to present the strap to him.  He did not immediately grab it.  I was still crying a little as I was emotional about the mere thought of cutting up the Contract and I felt terrible about my behavior.

Mike said, “Jen, why are you due this Reward.”

It wasn’t lost on me that he said “Reward.”  We had got into the habit of just calling these punishments, although in our Contract we called punishments “rewards.”  It was another indicator that we were recommitting to honoring our Contract.

We went through our Reward Ceremony as usual where I state my transgressions and apologize for not living up to the standards I set for myself.  Mike then took the strap and placed his outstretched fingers on my chin and raised my head up so I was looking him in the eyes.  He kept his lecture short,

“Jen, your Rewards always represent failing to meet your own standards.  They are never given in anger, or with malice.  They are given because you want them and because you want them, I want them for you.”

He sat in his chair and motioned me over his knee.  He gave me the 10 warm ups by hand.

“Now” he said, “bend over and prop your elbows on my desk.”

I felt the fire on the first swat and gave out a little yell.  More in surprise than in pain.  This strap is very long and wraps around the ass so that it not only fully covers both cheeks, it catches a bit of the side.

The second came with more force than the first.  I let out a groan, clenched me teeth, and gave out a long “ERRRRR.”  Mike paused a bit and let me regain my composure and position.

Third one. Whack!   Had this been any other punishment I would have used my safe word and asked him pause, but I was of a mindset that I needed to take this full Reward.   I started crying.  I don’t cry a lot from Rewards, and when I do, it is more about the emotional release – letting go the frustrations, the stress, the negative behavior – than it is about pain. While this spanking hurt, the reasons for this cry were no different.

Fourth one.  Whack.  I don’t know if it was on purpose or Mike just missed a bit, but the end of the strap hit just one cheek, giving it an extra powerful sting.   I cried louder and frankly, this time it was more about the pain.  I called “Pause,” our safe word meaning to give me break.  It doesn’t mean stop.   Mike then said there would just be one more and to just let him know when I was ready.  I caught my breath and eventually told him I was ready.

The fifth one came and my ass was on fire and I had to quickly start rubbing it.

We followed our normal after care process and ended with our routine where Mike says, “All is forgiven” and I say back, “All is forgiven.”

And that was that.  We are back on track with our Domestic Discipline!

Next:  46. Reflections: Service, Submission, Brass Tacks, and Colonel Jessup?

44. Argument – Part I

I planned on this post being about the fun of unveiling the new toys.  While the unveiling has begun, I will save most of those stories for another post.  This post is about a disagreement Mike and I had a few days ago.

There is one new toy I want to mention before getting into details about the disagreement as it ties into this story.   The Prison Strap is a menacing looking and ominously named strap.  I ordered it because it looked so cool and I thought perhaps it would just be a novelty to own and that we wouldn’t use it in my punishments.  As part of the reveal, we of course tried it out.  It packed a wallop and had to have Mike stop even just after a few playful swats.  Suffice to say, while I couldn’t prohibit Mike from using it in a future punishment, I did tell him that he would need to be careful as it was very powerful.

So, here’s what happened regarding our argument.

My niece Emma has been going through a lot lately and she has often turned to me for advice.  As her issues impact her mother (my sister), invariably I end up talking a lot with my sister whenever Emma reaches out to me.  The result is I’ve been spending a lot of time with numerous lengthy phone calls to both of them.  (Thus a potential issue per our  Contract – Section 4.2.3).

Add in the demands on daily life, which, as I shared, have been further compounded by my son’s injury.   When he was first injured I was quite proud of doing well in keeping my commitments.  Plus Mike stepped up and did a lot more to help me out around the house.  Lastly, we backed off a little on our DD rules.  Even so, I still credit our DD lifestyle with keeping me focused and energized, the lines of communications clear and open between Mike and me, and with keeping Mike engaged in the needs of the family as a whole.  We were handling this “crisis” well.

Then, my niece’s issue arose.  Several household chores went by the wayside, plus, over about a two day period I was being messier than usual and not picking up right away (leaving dirty dishes around, cups around, trash like napkins and paper towels out, leaving towels on the floor, stuff like that). Mike had already picked up a lot of the slack due to our son’s injury, but now was doing so because I was spending several hours on the phone every day.

After the first day of spending a lot of time on the phone, Mike simply mentioned that I need to be careful as I seemed to be drifting off course.  I could talk with anyone, but it is not to interfere with my duties and it was interfering.   I dismissed it and told him I had control of it and it was just a one-time thing.  I could have been punished but I think given the recent additional stresses, Mike gave me a pass.  When it happened a second day, Mike said WE needed to return to giving all the rules our fair attention.  Our son had healed enough that we are pretty much back in our normal routine, and clearly things have drifted away from our DD structure.  Again, a punishment was in order, but Mike asked that I agree that from now on we were back to full DD-mode.  Instead of agreeing, I got mad.

I interpreted what he said as being about him having to do extra chores, so I snapped and rudely said, “Our rules do not say I do all the chores and Emma needs my help and I am going to give it.”

He calmly said,

“Yes, you do not have to do all the chores.  The agreement is that you would not talk on the phone when there were chores to do.  And it has always been our mutual expectations that we clean the kitchen, typically together, right after dinner.  And, the rules also say that you are not to be messy and you’ve been very messy lately, adding to the workload.  And I could probably name many other transgressions over the last week or so.  I gave you pass and just picked up after you, but now perhaps that was a mistake.  The situation with Emma has just compounded the distance between what you actually do and what you’ve committed to do.  Lastly, you specifically agreed not to overextend your time and emotions to family members and you agreed to that specifically because you know you tend to get enveloped in other people’s problems.”

“Oh yeah,” he added, “and you agreed to respect me in tone and manner and you did not do that with your remark.  So just how far from the Agreement do you want to get?”

Wow.  While I wasn’t in any mood to show appreciation for his knowledge of the contract, I really had no valid retort.  In hindsight I know he was making it about my commitments to myself, and not about his extra work, but at the moment I was too mad to see it.   Luckily, I wasn’t mad enough to say anything more than, “Yes, Sir.”

Mike responded, “So drop you pants and bend over.”  I complied.  He gave me a few warm up swats with his hand and then whipped off his belt and gave me about 20.   As part of our Ceremony I have to say what my transgressions were.  Part of what I said was that it included me being messy and not cleaning up.  Mike corrected me.  He said given all that had been going on with our son he was, up until that point, still willing to let the cleaning issue go with just the verbal reminder. What he was asking for was a re-commitment to our agreement going forward and that the spanking was only for rudely snapping at him.

He lectured me more than usual.  He reminded me that our contract represented my own commitments to myself and about how important I’ve been saying those commitments were.  He even reminded me that he had wanted to suspend our Maintenance Sessions given what was going on with our son and I did not agree because I felt it was extremely important not to start any deviations from our Agreement.  Yet, I was the one who deviated in other ways.  He said that after tonight he would be fully back on upholding his part of the Agreement and enforcing the commitments I have made to myself.

NEXT DAY
The next day was uneventful.  I kept all my commitments, Mike and I cleaned the kitchen together after dinner and he was looking forward to me revealing another toy.  We had planned to get right to our fun as soon as our son was asleep but Emma called just as our son went to bed.  I told Mike I would make it quick and would meet him in the bedroom in a minute.

I went to the living room to talk on the phone.  45 minutes later Mike walked into the room and gave a disapproving scowl, tapped his wrist as if tapping a watch, and mouthed “off the phone.”  I told him it would be just a few more minutes and I’d be done – basically just telling him “no.”   It was really bad timing as far as the discussion with Emma was going and I wasn’t about to just cut her off and hang up.  Whatever my reasoning, I was clearly violating my Duties and Obligations.

Mike walked out of the room and returned about a minute later and handed me a note as I was still on the phone.  It said, “Two things on the bed waiting for you.  Choose one.  I’ll be waiting in my office.”

I wrapped up the call fairly quickly.  I couldn’t get my mind off what punishment was in store for me.  I remember having this imaginary dialogue in my head where I was telling Mike how unfair this was and I couldn’t believe HE was doing this to me.  The more I repeated this imaginary dialogue, the angrier I became.

I imagined there would be two spanking implements from which I would have to choose. In addition, he wants me to meet him in his office?  It is too close to our son’s bedroom and he knows that, so he is obviously doing this for spite.  As I went to our bedroom I took a detour to Mike’s office.  I stuck my head in and said, “I don’t know what all you have in mind, but this so unfair. I can’t believe you would do this to me.

These are words I have never spoken since we began our DD relationship. I had never blamed him for a punishment or made it about anything he was doing to me.  Only now as I write this do I realize something.  Not only was my thinking unlike anything I thought since our DD journey, it was in fact unlike my normal thinking ever.  I was trying to make him regret his upcoming actions.  I was trying to make him feel shameful.   Shame is a terrible thing to try and unleash on anyone, especially someone you love.  I really let my anger get to me.  I’ll have to reflect more on why that was, but, whatever the reason, I was angry.  My verbal volley to him made me feel even more emboldened which served to further fuel my anger.  I couldn’t wait to “defend” my actions and show him how wrong he is.

I walked into the bedroom and looked on the bed.

Two things were on the bed.  What I saw made me cry.

Next:  45. Argument – Part 2

43. XXX-Mas shopping complete.

Here’s the update on my XXX-mas in July shopping spree.  Mike wanted me to pick everything out and surprise him.  After reading up on all these items (I must have read hundreds of reviews), I went back to Mike and asked him for a larger budget.  My logic being that the better quality items cost more and HE is worth it!   Hee hee.  It worked.  He said okay to $600 but that I would receive 20 spankings for every dollar more.

I am not sure what a woman’s toy collection says about her, but I hope mine says “fun and adventuresome” as I expect a lot of fun and adventure!

Here is the shopping list he gave me and the items I purchased. Prices included shipping and tax:

  • 1 full sized vibrator
    $128.91: Magic Wand, including several attachments.   
    The Wand looks intimidating and I almost got something else, but the reviews are off the charts.  Everyone seems to love the Wand and swear by it, so the Wand it is.
  • 1 pocket sized vibrator
    $17.43: Lipstick Vibe.
    Looks feeble, especially compared to the Wand.  1 AA battery?  Really?  Is that enough power?  At least it is discreet.
  • 1 dildo
    $34.95: 7″ King Cock Suction Cup Dildo.  Because 7″ will do!  Frankly, I am not excited by dildos, but perhaps I’ll find that I’ve underestimated them?  At least I believe Mike will enjoy watching me use it and that is a turn on for me.
  • 2 anal plugs
    Why 2? Because Mike knows I love anal. How thoughtful.
    $59.45 Ammo Anal Plug.  It looks cool.
    $28.45 Orgasmic Gel Butt Plug.  It vibrates, yum!
  • 2 new spanking implements, one firm (like wood), one flexible (like leather)
    $31.26 12′ Oak Paddle with holes, engraved with “always with love.”
    $112.70 Rubber Prison Strap.  What a name!   And it looks scary.  Not sure of this one!
  • 1 pair of nipple clamps with chain
    $29.96 Triple Intimate Clamps (yes, a third clamp for “down there”).
  • 1 other nipple-oriented toy
    $21.35 Fusion Triple Suckers.  Sounds interesting and pleasurable!
  • 1 set of cuffs/restraints
    $46.59 Ankle Cuffs. Never have had my legs/feet restrained.
  • 2 types of cock rings
    $26.70: Rock Ring/The Earthmover. Great name, intimidating looking.
    We only went with one since I spent more than we intended.  Mike agreed as I told him it was either two cheaper cock rings or one amazing looking one.
  • 2 other items of my choosing
    $37.95 Wrist Cuffs.  Had to get some since also ordered ankle cuffs.
    $25.38 Ball gag.   This will be another new experience for me.
  • If money left over, any additional items of my choosing.
    Left over?  I busted the budget!

Not everything has arrived yet.  We hope to start breaking out some of these toys this weekend.  Mike wants me to pick one item each time, so that means about a dozen sexcapades before we break them all in.  I get to choose what we start with, and I am going for the Wand.  Got to see what all the rave reviews are really about!

Oh, I spent $601.08.  Since Mike said 20 spankings for every dollar I went over, $1.08 equated to 22 spankings (he rounded up).   I probably could have spent a little more time to get it under $600, but frankly, I spent some extra time to get it a little above $600.  Well worth it!

44. The Argument – Part I.

42. Asking for a Spanking

Note: if you aren’t familiar with my vocabulary, see my Contract regarding “Reward,” Commitments, Transgressions, etc.

I have been feeling very restless. Other than my maintenance spankings on Sunday, yesterday marked one week since my last Reward. Partly because I’ve been good with meeting the Commitments I have made, but also partly due to both Mike and I being exhausted.

Our youngest was injured (both wrists and an ankle) from a bad fall. I mentioned before that he has special needs and as part of that, he also makes a terrible “patient.” Emotionally he doesn’t do well when he is hurt, and his needs (and demands) which are already high, go off the scale. All to say that my days have been exhausting, and I look to Mike to provide respite in the evenings, which means he too is exhausted. There are the physical demands of lifting my son, but the emotional demands are equally draining . . . no, they are actually more draining.

We have already been a bit off our “DD-game” with our youngest out of school and our middle child home for part of the summer. Now we have been way off. Mike even offered to skip our Maintenance Session last Sunday, but I asked that we keep it. We’ve never missed one and I didn’t want it to become a habit, plus I wanted the spanking that came with it. But it wasn’t enough.

All of this at a time when our “goodies” have started to arrive. I am anxious to share what I bought, but that will have to be for another post. Actually, I am more anxious to USE what I bought, but there hasn’t been the right time or right mood to break out the new toys.

The thing I wanted to share on this post is that am feeling desperate for a spanking. There are times I have looked forward to a spanking, and times I craved a deep submission, but this feeling is different. I am specifically craving a hard spanking. I NEED THE RELEASE. Our son is doing better the last day or two and my hope is we finally get him to bed at a decent time tonight. Our middle child hasn’t returned back to school but he is staying the night with a friend, so tonight should be a great night for spanking.  I’ve never just asked Mike to spank me for no other reason than I just want one.   Funny, but given all the wild things we’ve done, I feel a bit embarrassed to just ask for a spanking.

I guess I could do the “brat” thing, which I’ve never done before, just to make the spanking seem “legit,” but that seems disingenuous. Hummmm . . . but by being disingenuous, I will have Transgressed, thus, another spanking!   Maybe there is something to that approach!

Nah, honesty is the best policy. I’ll just ask Mike to give me a spanking. I hope he agrees.

THE ABOVE WAS WRITTEN YESTERDAY.

Here’s the update. I asked Mike for a spanking last night and he agreed to give me one. Yea!!

He had me lay face down on the bed and he said he wouldn’t tell me what he was using, but with the first strike I knew it was that leather paddle that I dislike – however, it still felt good. He probably did about 12 very firm ones and stopped. He stopped because I started to cry. Very odd. I haven’t cried over a spanking in a very long time. I do get teary eyed, but this was a full on cry. It felt good to just release all the built up emotions of the last five days. Mike asked if he should stop, but I asked him to continue as these were good tears, but I asked him if I could get over his knee and be spanked by hand. He agreed and gave me perhaps 20 or 25 by hand. At one point I even asked him to do it harder. I cried some more.

It still seems odd to me. I had never asked for a spanking, let alone directed the specifics of a spanking such as asking for OTK or for him to do it harder. I also hadn’t cried like that in a long time and I never cried for the reasons I think I was crying. It is clear to me that it was simply a release of negative energy.  All the frustration I felt for the situation and the sadness I felt for my son rushed out of me and was replaced by good vibes. Okay, make that good endorphins!

Whatever it is, I loved it, and felt energized. I slept very well last night and had a lot of energy today. Plus our son had a great day (which I think was aided by my upbeat mood). Thank you DD!

Next: 43. XXX-mas Shopping Complete.