220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline

Continued from prior post
I ask myself a simple question, “Can submission lead me to healing?”

I remember pre-DD Jenny.  The control freak who would rail against things she didn’t like.  It got her nowhere good, except the illusion of control.  It compromised her marriage and her family, making it less than it could be and should be.

It’s too early for me to forget my anger.  No, it won’t be forgotten that easily.  But, I can put it aside momentarily.   Just drop it over there so I can assess some things before picking it back up.

So, getting back to Mike’s decision. . . oops, what’s that in my arms again?  Oh, anger!  I thought I put you down.  Let me try again.

So, I know they are having a blast right now and here I sit. . . oops, dang it.  Anger, I thought I put you down.  Let me try again. 

So, why is it that I can’t make time for friends, family, and internet friends… Damn it!! Anger, I told you to stay over there.  Let me try again.  

So, I work hard, I do so much for Mike, he is treated like a king, and, oh crap, Anger, I told you to go away.   Let me try again.

Okay, it’s not going to work to think about what I did or whether the discipline was appropriate.  What does that matter anyway?   I did what I did, Mike did what he did, and I am abiding by it.   

I got to find my happy place.  Just for a little while.  The anger will be there later for me to pick it up.   Happy place?  Hum.  I got it.  Instead of focusing on the circumstances that have me angry, I’ll focus on the circumstances that led to my embracing Domestic Discipline, because, after all, it is DD’s fault that I am not at the party. 

{ Cue musical interlude }
{ Cue reflective montage }  Pre-DD scenes of unresolved conflict segue to my search for answers, finding DD, and growing in submission and in oneness with Mike.  Now reading back on my journal, re-reading old blog posts, checking out some websites.

ONE ETERNITY LATER
Okay, it wasn’t an actual eternity, but I am back with a realization.  A very important truth about discipline.  At least, it is a truth to me.

THE TRUTH ABOUT DISCIPLINE
Discipline is the ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

For adults, it is often assumed we derive this 100% from ourselves.   That is, it is all about Self-Discipline (SD).

But self-discipline doesn’t mean we do it all by ourSELF.  We all have rules we must abide by.  Actual laws of course, but also generally accepted rules of behavior, whether at work or interacting with society.  Many also turn to religion, or counseling, or family, or friends, self-help books, or many other resources to help strengthen their self-discipline.  (Note these resources can be, but aren’t always, as loving, fulfilling, customized, or loyal to your interests as you would hope). 

For me, I found that when my SD fails me, I can “borrow” discipline from my partner.  And for me, that discipline, more so than SD,  provides me a greater ability to control my feelings, overcome my weaknesses, pursue what I think is right, and stare temptation down.  If only there were a name for this “borrowed” discipline!   Oh wait, I got one!  I’ll call it Domestic Discipline.

This is the essence of why DD and submission is so fulfilling to me.  It completes my self-discipline.

THE ACT AND THE RESULTS
With discipline, it is easy to misinterpret the ACT and ignore the RESULTS. 

The act of discipline is NOT punishment. 
It’s easy to think of the specific penalties as being the discipline.  Spanking, chastisement, being shunned.  Those are ways it is delivered, but what is the “it” that the disciplinarian is delivering?  

The “it” is caring. Caring for oneself when it is SD, and caring for another when it is consensual and part of DD.  Both SD and DD use structure to create accountability.  And the accountability is to the goals and ambitions of the person receiving the discipline.  It is about giving absolution and forgiveness.  

The result of discipline is NOT pain.  The result is enhanced communication, deepen intimacy and reinforced personal commitments.  Yes, SD is about better communicating with ourselves – being in touch with ourselves and our personal goals — being intimate with ourselves.   DD does exactly the same thing, but adds in a relationship component — better communication in your relationship, being in touch with our partners and our relationship goals, and increased intimacy with each other.

MIKE IS CAPABLE
I remind myself that Mike has been an amazing partner in our DD journey (and as equally as amazing pre-DD for putting up with me!).  He has shown he is the perfect Dom, as he is perfect for me!  He has done amazing things for Kayla as well.  His compassion allows him to treat each of us the way we want and need, even though those wants and needs are different.  Time and time again he has earned my trust and confidence as a partner in my discipline.

Being submissive is about obedience, respect, honesty, loyalty, and trust.  Honesty includes sharing your feelings, even when you aren’t feeling particularly obedient or respectful.   In the process of sharing my feelings I did “okay” regarding maintaining obedience and respect (I did overstep a bit, and was spanked for it), but frankly, given the fire of anger I was feeling, I am very proud of only overstepping a little.  While it may not have sounded like it, between the moments of showing disrespect, I was extremely respectful.  Once again, progress, not perfection 

DOM MIKE IS A BETTER LISTENER
Mike has been excellent at valuing my opinion and desires.  He does that MORE since DD than ever before.  Here’s an interesting observation –– With DD, my opinion and desires are completely optional to him.  Yet, he values them MORE then he did when they were freely given to him, unsolicited.  Things that make you go “hmmm?!?!”.

MIKE IS WORTHY
Mike is worthy of my allegiance to his decisions, including those involving my discipline.  Why would I tear him down and be disloyal by continuing to sulk about this?  I know he put a lot of thought into his decision.   Imagine trying to figure out the most appropriate discipline to an issue that strikes at the core of what I want addressed about myself.  Now imagine knowing that instead of getting my submission (loyalty, respect, trust), he sees that I think he failed and made a bad decision.  Every time my SD has failed, his DD has been there showing that he loves me and desires to do his best for me.
He’s earned my submission, even on this issue.  especially on this issue.  

Submission is not easy.  Instead of focusing on what I want (attending the party), the center of my focus needs to be on Mike.  My attitude towards him needs to be one of faith in him, not doubt.  I can begin to heal my anger through submission.

STILL CAN’T “SUBMIT” THE BAD FEELINGS AWAY
So maybe I am like 80% there.  I still don’t feel at ease with what I am feeling.  So I am looking beyond just being submissive and trying to look at some basic facts from Mike’s perspective.

MOTIVATION
What are Mike’s motivations for keeping me from the party?   He wants me at the party, I know it!  He enjoys having me there.  But what he wants for me regarding my ongoing behavior is greater than what he wants for himself tonight for one night of fun.  The fact that I place so much importance on this party is exactly the motivation for him to keep me from it.  My behavior warranted it.  Mike’s motivations are rooted in his responsibilities as Dom – responsibilities that I have empowered him with to help me have the discipline to be the person I strive to be for him and my family.

And what of my motivations to be angry?  Well, it’s basically “Because that’s what I want and I can’t have it.”  ‘Nuff said.

I haven’t thought of it before in these terms, but what submission boils down to, is this — Can you leave the outcome in the hands of your Dom?   I can.

No doubt I am accepting his decision in so far as I am not at the party right now.   While Mike knows I am unhappy, I didn’t throw a major fit (perhaps a tiny one?), and for the most part remained reticent about my frustration and disappointment.   So I ask myself what is in it for me if I remain in opposition to his decision?

There is the risk of more disciplinary actions if I remain sullen and cross.  But that is just a risk to my butt or my privileges.  What is the risk for my heart?   It doesn’t feel good to feel angry.   At least, not long term.  Honestly, having a pity-party does feel a little good.  It is very self-serving…. downright selfish.  But any satisfaction from “woe is me” is very short-lived and soon turns to dissatisfaction.

I look at what I did and I agree that a significant consequence was in order.  I appreciate that Mike feels this way too.  To reap the benefits of discipline, one must subject themselves to the consequences of their actions.

When I next speak to Mike, it will be to reassert my commitment to him, that I will follow his lead.  I will ask him for guidance or suggestions on making sure I have reconciled my anger.  While I feel much better now, I know from my past that sometimes I think I squashed a particular negative feeling, only to find it unexpectedly rearing its head. 

You know, I went to pick up that anger I put aside and it was a lot harder to see than when I first put it down.     

P.S.  I spent some time searching online for help in addressing my anger.  I found a great resource at http://consensualdominance.net.   Lot’s of great practical advice.  While it didn’t address my anger specifically, it served as a great reminder regarding submission.  I found the post on Submissive Resistance very interesting.

NEXT: 221. Restriction Pleasure?

219. I am Angry (and that’s okay)

Last night Mike told me I can not attend the Super Bowl party.  I am to use this time alone, while they are having fun, to do “all I want” online.   All the other restrictions remain in place until further notice and my internet restrictions will resume once they get back from the party.  I am not happy.  I am angry.

I didn’t sleep well.  I journaled until lights out, trying my best to get out all my jumbled rage.  Even with the lights out I let the rage play out in my head as I tossed and turned.  My mind was focused on how terrible it was for Mike to keep me from the party.   I am glad I get to finally type this out.  Writing always helps.

I rewrote this post many times.  Each rendition became less angry.  Writing is wonderful that way.  It’s good to vent, even just in writing.  However, I want to give you a glimpse into where I started emotionally.  I am neither defending or apologizing for these feelings.  They simply represent what was going on in my heart.   

While you will see I made progress in reconciling my anger, the healing process is just that – a process.  The acute, sharp pain is gone, but remnants remain.  I can sense they are slowly fading, but, they are not gone.  

I put this into two posts –  on on my anger, and one on my healing.

ANGER
When Mike told me the news, I managed to give a less-than-heartfelt, “Yes, Sir.”  I couldn’t even make eye contact with Mike when I said it.  Too many emotions bubbling.  

It isn’t that I am a football fan – it is about the social aspect.  We have so much fun!  I have so much fun! And the sex is fun!   And it is tradition – Mike and I were doing this long before DD, before John and Donna – all the way back to when we were first dating.  We hang out together for the Super Bowl.  It’s what we do and have done for over 25 years.  MIKE AND I ALWAYS DO IT TOGETHER.

I’ve been so good all week.  I was expecting Mike to tell me he was ending the restrictions and I was anticipating a day of fun together.   Instead, I can’t go to the party AND all the restrictions are staying in place (except for being able to go online while they are at the party).  Hrumpf!!! 

I was glad to have our Sunday Maintenance session before they left for the party.   They left for the party around 1:00 – yeah, it is a long and fun party.  Of course, because I am so lucky, I get to have my Maintenance before they go to have their fun. Yea, me! (That wasn’t too subtle with the sarcasm was it?  I hope not). 

I got all the catch up spankings that were “banked.”  Three separate sets of spankings for various misbehavior, and 28 spankings for errors he found in the 700 lines I wrote over the course of the week.  I was so anxious to speak that despite an awful lot of spankings and a very sore bottom, the discomfort didn’t even register in my mind.  Finally,  I get to speak!

I did my best to plan my words in advance – humble, respectful, and calm.  But in the moment, adrenaline kicks in (or is that anger?).  Despite my best efforts, anger is hard to hide.  Not only was Mike unmoved, but after one warning, I was spanked for the tone I was using.  On the third offense, he gave me lines.  I think he gave me the lines instead of another spanking because I actually made him angry.  He was aware enough to not spank me in anger.  Not that the lines won’t mean more spanking later, but, at least he will be calm.

I know he purposely left me my internet time today to serve as further punishment.  It isn’t lost on me that while they are partying it up, I am spending time doing the very things that got me on restriction to begin with.   Part of me wants to show him by not even logging on.  But, he did say, “you will use this time to do what you want online.”  It wasn’t a suggestion.  Plus the writing always helps me vent.    

I have never felt so upset over my discipline.  I don’t agree with it, I feel it is excessive, he is treating me like a child.  I am so good to him.  I have accepted all the restrictions without complaint.  I deserve to go to the party.   Just spank me and get over it.  I am not a child. 

NOT A CHILD!
I get the irony.  Spanking me somehow isn’t treating me like a child, but not allowing me to go to a party is?   Well, bite me!   Yes, Mike spanks me, disciplines me in other ways, scolds me, instructs me, etc.  I concede they are consistent with describing a parental authority figure.  There is no explaining or convincing anyone – you just have to be someone who is fulfilled by being submissive to understand it.  This particular course of discipline has me feeling like I am being treated like a child.

IF NOT A CHILD, STOP BEHAVING LIKE ONE
I admit it!  I am sure at least one of you out there was already thinking it.  My feelings match my behavior and thinking.  I am behaving and thinking like a child.  I am upset because I am not getting what I want!   There, I said it.  Is that so bad?  I want to be there.  

SUBMISSION FAILING ME
I want to behave the right way, I want to accept this the right way, I want to submit to his decision — even if it is uncomfortable to do so.  That is what submission is.  blah blah blah.  Sorry, I feel what I feel and currently my feelings goes beyond being uncomfortable.  I am mad!

Disagreeing with Mike feels awful, like I am undermining my submission.  It’s like I can feel my emotions are betraying my devotion to Mike, but I can’t stop them.  I am still mad and I still feel I should be at the party!

It disturbs me that I am upset with Mike for “doing this to me,” and it disturbs me that my heart, my attitude, and my commitment towards submission isn’t helping me deal with this difficulty.    I am disturbed because I know that isn’t the “right way” to feel, but screw it, that’s how I feel.

Take a breath — remind myself that anger isn’t an emotion.  Anger covers up emotions.  So, what is it that I am feeling that is triggering the anger?

JEALOUSY?
I am not jealous of Kayla. I am happy she gets to attend. I know she looked forward to it, not just the social aspect of course, but the sexual exploration.  Three men!  I do wish I could be there for that.  I trust Mike, as does Kayla, but it would be prudent to have another set of eyes and ears focused on how Kayla was doing – namely, MY eyes and ears.  See, it isn’t just for me that I should be there.  It would benefit Kayla!

I do feel jealous of Mike!  This is very odd for me and it surprises me.  I don’t like this feeling, but it is there none-the-less.  Why does HE get to attend and I don’t?  Why does he get to enjoy our annual day of fun and I don’t?

As I think more about it, I do feel jealousy towards Mike, Kayla, John and Donna.  Why do people I love get to have such fun and new experiences without me when I am supposed to be there and deserve to be there?

ISOLATION?
I’ve had a week of feeling isolated.  Sure, physically I’ve been home and others have been around.  But the restrictions served to isolate me.  I feel like there will be this constant reminder of missing this party.  All of them are sure to talk of it and share their stories.  I don’t want to relive missing out on it by hearing their stories.   There will be the inevitable, “Hey Jen, remember that Super Bowl  when…”  and then it will be like, “Oh yeah, you weren’t there.”   

I’ve been crying since they left, wallowing in my misery!  And yes, I fully identify with the feeling of isolation right now.

NOT WORTHY? 
It’s like Mike pushed me aside and doesn’t want me to enjoy what is our traditional and expected day and evening of fun.  He will throw that tradition away for what?  To make a point about my behavior?

I try to remind myself that submitting to Mike’s discipline has been a good thing.  Pre-DD, if there was something I disagreed with this strongly, believe me, it would have meant yelling and screaming – days, if not weeks of resentment.  Now THAT was childish.  Not only did that mean lots of emotional anguish, but it was often very hard to fully heal from those types of arguments.

Ah!  To heal.  That’s a great word. 

Maybe it’s time to focus on that.  Time to try and focus on healing my misery.  

I ask myself a simple question regarding my anger. “Can submission lead me to find healing?” 

Next:  220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline

128. Transforming through Journaling

Oh, Joy!  I mentioned in my last post that our DD contract is not up for another year. Actually, it renews in October of this year.  I forgot that while we started this in March of 2015, we renegotiated in October 2015 with a two-year term!  

Of course, the contract is just symbolic, but it is a power symbol.  Codifying your expectations for yourself and for your partner is such a beneficial exercise.  I would encourage every couple to do it and if DD is not your thing, instead of a DD contract, approach it as a document that serves as an affirmation of your love.  It is like wedding vows that you renew from time to time. 

This post – Journaling and a “caught naked” story:

JOURNALING
Daily journaling is one of the duties I adopted in DD.  It is so simple for anyone to do, whether or not it is part of your kink.  I am a very self-reflective person by nature, and journaling is very powerful.  It can be meditative, healing, and uplifting to formally set aside time every day to be self reflective and do so in writing.  

Journaling allows you to go back and read what your thoughts were in a particular moment.   I find a lot of personal growth in looking back on my feelings and actions of a particular moment with the benefit of 20-20 hindsight and absent the emotional baggage that I was carrying in that moment.  This clearer vision allows me to see that moment with greater perspective, allowing me to better recognize how I may have contributed to anything negative that came from that moment.  Journaling is very powerful.

Recently I was flipping through my journals (I have filled several over the last 2+ years) and saw a common theme in my early journals which slowly faded and is absent from anything recent.  I had some self-doubt that ranged from blatant to thinly disguised in a way I only recognize it now with the benefit of hindsight.  I have sensed that my DD journey has helped me remove self-doubt, but it is interesting and fulfilling to see documented proof of that progress.

There are things I wrote about feeling that I no longer relate to – I want to go back and tell that Jenny that there was no reason to feel that way.  Of course, that Jenny wouldn’t listen because, while you can provide hope and encouragement, you can’t “tell” someone out of a feeling.

Reading my older journals reinforces my belief that life is never about what happens to you, it is about how you react to what happens to you.   Not that it is easy to always react in ways that are self affirming and loving towards others, but clearly, I can see that I wasted a lot of energy on self loathing and being overly critical of myself.  

I believe that this led to my ability to feel compersion and to lose my tendency to let in jealously. (Post 87. And there it was,  Post 88 Something True,  and Post 89. Spank Jealousy Away).  I am more self-confident in who I am as a wife, mother, lover, sister, etc.

It is odd that subjugation, which some may describe as becoming “less than,” is actually a path towards being “more than” you once were.  Definitely a psychological conundrum, but I don’t care the reasons, I only care the results — and they have been amazing.

And Kayla says it has been similar for her.  I see proof of that every day, both in what I observe and in the comments of others.  She has grown tremendously in self-confidence.
It isn’t that she lacks self doubts, but she looks at those doubts as opportunities to grow instead of a weight that keeps her down.  Her friends have asked her where the “wallflower Kayla” has gone as Kayla is more outgoing and more “in the moment” than ever before.  Her parents have even commented on seeing a transformation in her.

She also changed physically — her shaving her head and eyebrows was a shocker to friends and family — but she explained it as simply wanting to physically transform and start anew to match the transformation and newness she felt on the inside.

Hate to break the flow of my “self-reflective” theme of this post, but that leads me to a funny story I’ve got to share that sort of illustrates the change in Kayla.   

KAYLA CAUGHT NAKED
My middle son, T2,  is away at college – far enough away that trips home are rare, but close enough that they are not too challenging (four-ish hours drive).  He typically gives us a heads up he is coming home.  

One Friday afternoon about two weeks ago (prior to Kayla’s immersion) Kayla was home alone when I was out running errands, J was still at school, and Mike was at work.  Being naked is our default attire and Kayla and I don’t get dressed until it is time for me to pick up J from school.  Well, Kayla was in the kitchen when suddenly T2 and a friend of his appeared from nowhere.  Kayla didn’t hear them pull up and of course T2 just lets himself in.

I can imagine the shock on T2 and his friends face, as well as what went through Kayla’s mind, but she handled it beautifully.   She acted like she would have acted had she been clothed.  A simple, “Oh hello, T, surprised to see you.  Who is your friend?”  Of course the first thing he said was, “You’re naked!” Kayla calmly said, “Yeah, you caught me.  I was getting ready to jump in the shower and I left my phone somewhere and wanted to have it near me as I am expecting a call, so I came out to look for it.”   

She also had enough composure to consider the fact she was uncertain of the condition of her bottom.  She had a caning that morning and the stripes tend to take a while to fade.  She quickly thought of a way to handle this.  “So guys, I am sure you’ve seen boobies before.  Take a good look.” And she stood in front of them like a criminal with their hands up and legs apart.  Then she said, “Now that you’ve had your look, if you’ll be gentleman, please turn your backs as I leave the room to get to my shower.  They complied and she left the room.

The “old” Kayla could have never pulled that off.  The immediate reaction would have been embarrassment, cover herself as quickly as possible, and run and cry.  

One other little factoid – as a family we tend to talk about things that happen (non-kink of course) and this incident was no secret.  Even J got to hear the story of “T2 and his friend saw Kayla naked.”    

Turned out T’s friend needed to get home for some reason and his car was in the shop, so T offered to give him a ride.  His friend lives just one town over and T thought it would be nice to drop by to say hello.   Me, Mike, and Kayla, feel very fortunate that it happened the way it did.  It would have been much more difficult (impossible?) to explain why both mom and Kayla were naked, or having sex, or masturbating, or getting spanked, etc., Very fortunate indeed!

We asked T to give us text when he was on his way and of course, we fibbed and told him that we asked Kayla to not walk around the house naked.  In addition, T doesn’t even have a house key, he always just comes in through the garage.  We are now keeping the door from the garage to the house locked.

NEXT: 129: Vulnerability. Plus, Choose Respect or Choose Love.

 

       

 

 

89. Spanking jealousy away

I last left you with my finding my “truth” regarding some negative feelings that crop up now and then regarding Donna and Kayla.  It has been very liberating to have identified the “enemy” within and constructively deal with efforts to purge it.   It’s a process, but all I have to say is “I am getting that feeling” and whether I am talking to Mike, Donna, Kayla, or some combination of the three or all three, they all lovingly and supportingly ask me to elaborate.   They don’t do it in a “good grief, there she goes with her stupid reaction…”    As I stated before, they recognize it as my “truth” and allow me to express what I am feeling at that moment of truth.   Saying it out loud is very healing.  It reinforces what I “logically know is true” which, repeated and shared enough in positive, affirming ways, should eventually evolve into what I “emotionally feel is true.”

I can already sense the feeling of jealousy is feeling less like jealousy and more like envy.  Both are still bad, but to me, jealousy is more toxic.  To me, jealousy feels like I am threatened and my mind goes into “fight or flight” mode or a “protect what I have” mode.  My heart races faster, the volume of my voice goes up, my mind needs immediate resolution of this dire situation.  It’s like envy+fear+anger.   Envy on the other hand, is just wanting what someone else has.  Envy has a touch of melancholy to it that jealousy doesn’t have.  It doesn’t demand immediate resolution.  It still isn’t fun, but it is not nearly as toxic as jealousy.

I find I get that feeling whenever I feel like I don’t have control, the glaring exception being the control I have voluntarily given up to Mike as his submissive.  One thing we learned is that with just a few words Mike can take this negative feeling that starts to bubble inside me and squash it with a firm command.  It’s like being submissive to him gives me all the permission I need to let go of trying to control anything.

Should I be punished for feeling jealous?
I had a conversation with Mike about what we should do when I have “those feelings (jealously/resentment).  Should I be punished?  Mike said that punishment felt wrong to him in this situation.  I respectfully disagreed.  I told him that punishments and submission have been very effective at reminding me of my commitments, which I value and cherish.  They help me internalize the fact I can’t and don’t want to control everything.  They focus me on our loving family and all the things I am grateful for.  So when I self-report that I got “that feeling” again, I am open to any punishment if he decides to give it.

So Mike got an idea for a special “jealousy” punishment.  He didn’t tell me what it was and said he would tell me when it became time to deliver it.  Well, that didn’t take long.

Donna shared with me some plans she and John are making for an upcoming vacation. They are deciding between several fun options ranging from a ski trip to possibly the Bahama’s, or a Southern California/LasVegas get away.  Their options are limited only by their time and money.  I got jealous of that. Mike and I could afford such trips, but it is the challenge of either finding someone to watch J, which I prefer not to do unless absolutely necessary, or finding a vacation that can both accommodate his physical needs and provide him a positive experience.  Again, really dumb for me to feel that way, but that’s my “truth” for now.

My Punishment
I shared this with Mike and he sent me to my room with a writing assignment of sorts.  I had 20 minutes to hand write a list of all the people and things I am grateful for and why – and I can’t repeat any of the “why’s.”  I was starting with a baseline of 100 spankings which would be delivered by hand and with “various” force, per Mike.  (Hand spankings are my favorite!).  He would then take off one spanking for each item I was grateful for.

At first I thought, no problem, that’s just 5 things per minute. I would be able to do that and not get spanked.  It was way harder than I thought.   The list of people and things were easy, but the “why” part was hard, especially as the list grew and I couldn’t repeat my reasons why.  After whipping (no pun intended) through about 15 in no time, I started to take longer and longer.  Penmanship always counts on writing punishments, so if I don’t write very neatly it doesn’t get counted. Plus, I didn’t have access to a thesaurus!

I got to 48, which I was very proud of.  Mike took off three because of sloppy writing, thus, I was left with 65 spankings.  I went over his knee and with Donna watching he delivered the 65.  At around 20-25 it began to sting, and starting around 40 it was beginning to be unbearable and I was flinging my body around quite a bit.  I actually like it when Mike holds me tightly and wraps his legs around mine to keep me from wriggling.  Then with about 10 to go he ramped up the force and finished with very hard ones. My ass was very red.

And that was that.  Mike said he had some variations of this in mind for future “jealousy” punishments, perhaps with different writing topics and different spanking implements.   Is it right for me to admit I kinda’ am looking forward to it?

Next: 90. Delightfully Naughty – Mike’s Date Night with Donna.

 

25. Intense Spanking Part II – My most severe punishment

 I was standing in the corner, naked, holding Mike’s belt for about 30 minutes.  This is the longest he has left me to reflect and anticipate.   I felt sadness and disappointment as I reflected and I felt anxiety over what was about to happen next.  Adding to the anxiety was that I felt this could be a litmus test for how DD is working for us.

{Quick note:  This page gets a crazy amount of views.  I think it shows up high on Google depending on what you search for.  Anyway, this is just a quick note to say I am so much more than this post may make me appear.  I encourage you to visit my About section or read my first post to about my twelfth one (my DD Contract with my husband) to understand what I am all about. }

THE SESSION BEGINS
Mike walked in.  My feelings rushed to the surface and I started crying.  Mike walked up behind me and gave me 10 warm up spankings with his hand without warning.  It surprised me because that is not our protocol.  My anxiety increased as I thought to myself, “He is already off script and it just started.  What’s next?”  I cried louder.

Mike asked me to turn and I knelt down in front of him and he asked why we were there.  I accurately stated what I had done.  As what was now a normal part of our ceremony, he then stated, “No, what brought us here was your inability to keep your commitments that you made to yourself.”  We had fallen into this routine where I would state the specific transgression and Mike would remind me that it wasn’t the specific action that was the issue.  I liked this as it kept us centered on the fact that this was about commitments I made.

This transgression clearly fell under our Intense Reward protocol, giving Mike a lot of discretion.  No limits in the prescribed number of swats or the level of force; however, the intent of an Intense Reward was that it be prolonged.  Thus, the forced that is used should be consistent with allowing a prolonged punishment experience.  I was ready for a prolonged session.

Mike lectured me and I took notice that he was very measured in choosing his words and spoke very calmly and matter-of-fact.  Contrast this to Pre-DD where he would have likely yelled things like, “How could you be so careless?  How can you be so inattentive?”  Instead, his lecture was caring and loving.  It dried up my tears as this wave of trust and love filled me up.  I felt prepared for whatever he had decided to do to me.

We had recently bought a 16-inch oak paddle that we hadn’t used yet.  I was still holding Mike’s belt and he told me to retrieve our paddle from our closet. When I silently walked to go get it, he said, “What do you say when I ask you something.”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded.   “Then I need to hear that after every command I give,” he said.

“Yes, Sir” I said.   Wow.  He hadn’t done that before!  He was in full-on DD mode!

I handed him the paddle and he told me to lean over and put my elbows on the bed.

“Yes Sir.”

Whack!  The first one really stung.  The paddle covers a lot of surface area and was a new sensation for me, and a powerful one at that.    Whack! Whack! Whack!  Each one was about three seconds apart.  By the fifth or sixth one it was really stinging badly.  I was squealing “ow, ow” after each one.  Whack… all the way to ten.  Wow, that was intense!

He then sat down and called me over.

“Yes, Sir” and I quickly walked over to him and laid across his knee, still holding his belt in my hand.

He had me  count out as he spanked me by hand.  It was about medium force, but it went on and on.  I remember with each passing increment of 10 I was thinking, “Oh no, not another 10!”   The counting actually gave me something to focus on such that even though my butt felt like it was on fire, it was still tolerable.  50!

He then told me to go lay on the bed on my stomach and hand him the belt.

“Yes, Sir.”

As I waited for the first strike, I remember thinking that my ass already felt ablaze and I had never been spanked with the belt in this condition.   Smack!   Wow.  Not only did it sting like never before, but it sounded louder than usual.  He was hitting hard.  5 came in fairly quick succession and then Mike moved to the other side of the bed and did 5 more.  I started to cry again somewhere during this.  In all there were 30 swats, 15 per side.  That’s a good punishment all by itself, let alone after what I got with the paddle and his hand.   I was crying quite a bit and when he said he was done with the belt, I immediately had to rub my butt.  It felt very hot…as in temperature hot, not sexy hot!

He told me to stay there on my stomach and he would return.  As he left the room I wondered if this was the end of the punishment.

THE SESSION CONTINUES
Mike returned about 10 minutes later.  He told me to get up and get the hair brush from the bathroom.

“Yes, Sir.”

He followed me in the bathroom and when I handed him the brush he told me to bend over and grab my ankles.

“Yes, Sir.”

The hair brush was my least favorite implement.  It really seemed to concentrate the smack in a very small area.  Mike knew I disliked it the most (or, to say it more positively, I liked it the least).

He told me he was going to give me 15 pretty hard ones and if I let go of my ankles he would start over. That was a new twist on a spanking, but I was in no mood to give him kudo’s for creativity.  I remember thinking to myself, “What was that safe word again?”  It is “Hold on” for a pause, “Mercy” to stop!

Thwack! Thwack, Thwack!  Thwack!  Mike counted out four quick ones.  I almost lost my grip but held firm.  Thwack, Twack, Thwack… and at seven I just couldn’t hold on.

Mike said, “We’ll, start again.”

“Yes, Sir, but hold on Sir.”   I needed to catch my breath and let my butt recover.   This was the first time I ever used a safe word.

I took some deep breathes and perhaps after a minute I told him I was ready.  Again four quick ones.  From the sounds they made it seemed like they weren’t quite as hard as before, but from the sensation, they actually hurt worse.  I held firmly and luckily he paused for a bit before giving the next set.   Again four quick ones.  I yelled out like I had never done before.  “Aaaaah, Aaaah,” but still held.  Then the next set.  Damn it, I lost my grip after a few more.

Mike calmly said, “We’ll, start again.”

“Yes, Sir, but Hold Sir.”

I needed to do something if I was going to make it to 15.  I asked Mike if I could wet a washcloth and bite down on it.  Thankfully he agreed. My face was burning too as I had been crying hard and also trying to keep my screams in as much as possible.  The wet washcloth felt good in my mouth.

Okay, ready!   Thwack.  He did 5 in quick succession.  He eased up a tad but it still hurt like hell.  5 more….I was still holding my ankles.  Okay, just 5 more and we’re done.   Thwack, Thwack, Thwack, Thwack, Thwack…. I made it!

He then said, “Follow me.”

“Yes, Sir.”

We went over to the chair and once again he had me lay across his knees.  I thought to myself, “This isn’t over yet?”  He still had the brush in his hand.  I was pretty sure I would be saying the safe word after the first swat.  Luckily, he put the brush down.

He gave me another thirty, maybe more, by hand. As he had more control over the intensity and in the placement, he was able to soften up when I would jump or squeal, and then hit harder and harder until I jumped or squealed again.  Hand spanking can be so much more thoughtful than any implement.  I definitely prefer the hand!

He paused for a minute and rubbed my butt.  He then reached over for the brush.  My tongue went towards the roof of my mouth as I took a deep breath and started to say, “Nnn.”   Luckily I stopped myself.  I almost said, “No!”   That would have only earned more spankings.  Luckily it came out more like a squeal than the beginning of the word “No.”

He spanked me semi-lightly with the brush, at least compared to what he did in the bathroom.  Still, at about 10 or so I just couldn’t take it and once again called “Hold on.”

I was crying quite a bit but it didn’t deter him.  Mike said he wanted to get to 20 and we’d hold for a minute and proceed.  My ass was really on fire.  I didn’t think I could take even one more.  Eventually he proceeded and about four or five in I once again had to call for a pause.   He waited a few minutes again, and on the third go he finished what remained.  Thank you Safe Words!

I think he sensed I couldn’t take much more.  He told me to stand in the corner and he would be back.

I stood in the corner thinking surely this was almost done.  Emotionally I was a bit shaken but was also feeling pride for Mike.  He showed he was truly listening to my feedback as he had amped things up a bit as I had asked and more importantly, he remained calm throughout.  But make no mistake, my ass also hurt.  The sting was not fading.

I was looking forward to the end of this Reward Ceremony where we would embrace and all would be forgiven and life would resume with complete closure regarding my actions.  Chalk another one up to the benefits of DD!

… AND IT CONTINUES
Mike returned and instead of hugging me he told me to again bend over and put my elbows on the bed.  Holy crap!  This was going to continue?  I really wanted to ask him how much longer, but that is against our rules and I didn’t want to add to whatever he still had in mind.  I remember I started to cry again.

He told me to count but didn’t say what number we would stop at.  He gave me thirty with the belt.  I don’t know how I took them all without asking for a pause.  Just five or six in and my ass was in flames again.  The last three or four were exceptionally hard.  I was crying pretty hard and saying, “I am sorry, I am sorry.”  I had hoped that perhaps the hard ending was Mike’s exclamation point to signify the end.

Mike then held me.  “Ah,” I thought, “the beginning of After Care.”  But, he just kept holding me as I cried into his chest.  Our procedure is for him to say “all is forgiven” and then I say it back and that’s the end of it – but he remained silent.

… AND STILL CONTINUES
He then said that I had a writing assignment.  We had never specified writing lines as a punishment, but, Mike did have full discretion.  He had me write 100 lines of, “I will meet my commitments that I make to myself.”  The first five words had to be in one color ink, the next five in another.  I had to start each line with a different color than the line before, and of course, penmanship mattered.   Mike said I would get three spankings per the number of color errors and the number of lines that are the least bit messy.  He said I must sit in his office and write these.  We walked down the hall to his home office.  Again, the feeling of walking through the house naked was very odd.  At least his chair was comfortable on my bottom.  He said I was to bring it to him when I was done.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Oh, by the way,” he said, “I’ll give you 90 minutes, so just under a minute per line. For every minute you go over 90, that’s another spanking.”

“Yes, Sir.”

I did some quick math and figured that is 54 seconds a line.  I wrote my first line…45 seconds.  Okay, I got this as I should get faster as I went.  As I kept writing, I kept looking at the time.  No sweat, I got this.  Damn, made a mistake. After every few lines I would do a calculation and each time I’d conclude I had plenty of time, but crap, another mistake.  Why did he put a time on it?  It isn’t that the time was unreasonable, but I kept focusing on the time instead of my writing causing me to make mistakes.

Okay, finished with time to spare. I got up to take him my pages and accepted that I had a few mistakes.  Mike was in the living room so once again walk through the house naked…and Mike didn’t have the blinds closed.  I walked briskly and handed him the papers and then walked to the nearest window and closed the blinds.  I then positioned myself in the room out of view of other windows.

Mike got a pen and started making marks on the paper.

Mike said, “6 color mistakes and 8 messy lines.  14 mistakes, times 3. That’s 42 spankings.  And right here will do.  Lean over and put your hands on the couch.”

“Yes, Sir.”

At least Mike walked over and closed another set of nearby blinds.  He then had me count off as he used his hand to deliver the 42.  It didn’t take long for my ass to start burning.  Once again I started squealing, “Ah!” and “Oh!” and “Ouch!” louder and louder.  Near the end I had to once again call “hold on.”    He waited a minute or two and resumed when I was ready.  He finished the last 10 or so and I swear the last 4 or 5 were the hardest he had ever spanked me before with his hand.

Mike then told me to go to our room and he would be there soon.   “Yes, Sir.”

I went to the room and stood in the corner.  I was starting to get mad.  This had to end soon.  It had been going on for hours and enough if enough. I also had to pee but if Mike comes in the room and I am not in the corner, then that could mean more spankings.  I would hold it.

… AND THEN THERE WAS MORE
Mike came in about 20 minutes later.  I asked him if I could pee.  He said no.   WTF!  Instead, he once again just spanked me with his hand as I stood in the corner.   I thought he might spank the pee out of me.  He gave me about 15 good ones and then said I could go and when I was done I was to bring the paddle, stand next to him and bend over and grab my ankles.   Double WTF!  When would this end?

I cried as I went to the bathroom and was crying as I returned, bent over, and grabbed my ankles.  He then gave me the hardest swat ever.  It made me scream louder than I ever had before and I also let go of my ankles, but then almost immediately came another whack, and then another, and another.  I flinched my whole body and turned by butt away from him and he reached around and got me with one more.  I finally got out a “Hold on! Hold on!” and he stopped.  I was really upset.  These hurt badly.

Mike didn’t hesitate and said, “Lay down on the bed on your stomach and I’ll be back in a bit to continue.”  I hesitated and he repeated himself, more sternly.

“Yes, Sir” I feebly said as I did as he asked.

I was sobbing heavily.  I felt defeated.

MERCY!
He came back in the room about ten minutes later.  He grabbed his belt and without saying a word started spanking me again.  About six or so strikes in I finally yelled,

“Mercy.”  I couldn’t take it.

Mike asked me to stand and he held me tightly.  He gave me warm words of encouragement and told me how much he loved me.   He said, “This ends any physical rewards, but this Reward Ceremony is not quite complete.”

He said I was to remain naked for about the next 24 hours and no talking or using my phone, the computer, or television.  Just a quiet day of reflection as we did our weekend chores.  And yes, we could close all the blinds.

So, we went about the rest of our evening fairly normally, except the naked part.  It is so weird to cook, eat, clean, or basically do anything without clothes on.  Even just walking feels odd.   And it didn’t help to have to sit down with no clothing to add some comfort to a very tender ass.

My nakedness was a constant reminder of my transgression and it served to keep the mood pretty solemn and reflective.  But it also was a bit of a fun way to end the Reward as I know it turned Mike on to constantly see me naked, and to tell the truth, it turned me on a bit too.   Just before dinner time Mike came to me and hugged me, and said, “All is forgiven.”   “All is forgiven” I replied.  And with that I went and got dressed.

It was over.

REFLECTION
As I reflected on the day, and also we later discussed at the next Maintenance Session, I felt the punishment Mike handed out was perfect in many ways.  I had told him I wanted to find my limit, and he found it.  I told him I wanted him to be sterner, and he was.  He also showed some creativity in coming up with things.  But most importantly, DD allowed us to quickly address the situation and then get past it.  No lingering resentments, no bad feelings.

Just short of twenty four hours of atonement that ended in complete forgiveness and a deeper commitment to myself to be more aware of my surroundings and attentive to my belongings.  What a difference DD has made! 

P.S.  This post gets like 4x as many views as my next most popular post (My Contract).  And I find it odd that Part I gets only about 10% the views as this post??   If you like these kind of things, go to my home page and select the “Jenny is Disciplined” section.  If you want to learn more about my journey, I suggest you start from Post 1. 

Next – 26. Submission = Transparency = Love