All posts by ddjennifer

51-year old married mom of 3 (empty-nester, sort of). Married 29 years and enjoying life.

370. ABSTINENCE AND ADDICTION?

A few post back I wrote of the orgasm denial event known as NOvember. Here’s how it went.

GROUND RULES

Since adding Orgasm Control (OC) to our dynamic a year ago, it’s been mostly a lot of edging, fairly frequent release, and very short periods of abstinence. HOWEVER, Mike wants NOvember to be different from our norm. He told me to expect it to be “mostly” about complete abstinence. He might allow some sex or edging at some point, but that I should expect little of that.

FIRST NIGHT – NOVEMBER 1

A day void of touching or overt sexual stimulation. I clarify “overt” because my default state is a 2 on a 1-10 scale of sexual stimulation and at this point I was easily a 3. The thought of month-long abstinence was enough to bump me up a notch. Hey, when you can’t have something, you just want it more! It was a day of subtle and not-so-subtle sexual aches and throbbing in my hinterlands. I did my best to ignore them. I was a good girl and did not engage those urges.

Bedtime. Keep in mind Kayla is not subject to NOvember (she will have her turn during JuNO). Mike and Kayla start having sex. Nothing noteworthy about that. I knew I could not join in without being asked and I had no expectation of Mike asking me to join. BUT, I figured I can do what I often do – watch! Nope!

Mike told me to roll over, my back to them, and go to sleep as he didn’t want me “turned on” by watching. Of course, I could still hear them (Kayla is, well, let’s say, “animated” when having sex). And I could still feel the bed moving, but, I complied and rolled over and closed my eyes.

Surprisingly, I fell asleep sometime after I heard Mike cum and tell Kayla to suck him “back into action” for another round. I slept through round two.

DAY 2 through 9 – WITHDRAWALS

Mike kept me completely chaste. It was harder than I expected. There were many times I didn’t think I was going to make it without touching myself. It was a near constant ache mixed with tingles in my nether-regions. My heart would race with thoughts of sexual stimulation. My mind went in and out of sexual thoughts MORE than usual. It was distracting and frustrating.

But I was a good girl. No touchy! Yea, me!

DAY 10 – DETOX

I was writing in my journal the evening of Day 10 and realized I hadn’t thought of sex a single time during the day. Like a switch, the sexual vibrations and desires were gone. It was odd. It had been 10 days since an orgasm and 10 days since any sex, manual or otherwise. I HAVEN’T BEEN DRY THAT LONG IN OVER 5 YEARS!

It felt. . . WEIRD. And the weirdest thing is, I would have expected that by just thinking about it, I would quickly revert back to the aches and tingles of those first 9 days – but I did not.

Prior to Day 10, when I wasn’t horny, I was still a little horny. Now? Nothing. Zip. Further, I felt content being abstinent and stimulus free. I began to revel in this new feeling. This feeling of being at ZERO on the sexual stimulus scale. What is this place? Where did it come from? I had forgotten it existed.

Hum? What’s going on down there? What’s going on in my head?

Nothin’ – nothing at all. That’s weird.

And in my submissive mind, a new realization emerged. I realized that a part of me was MISSING the frustration of those first 9 days. Yes, in hindsight, the sexual frustration was a type of submissive reward. But that was now gone. And no matter how much I missed the feelings of the ache between my legs and frustration over a lack of release, I could no longer connect to those feelings.

They were gone. I had detoxed from sex!

DAY 17- A REMINDER

17 days of not having sex or direct sexual stimulation in any way.

I mentioned back in May that we have an account on BDSMLR. Mike expects me and Kayla to post something on there fairly regularly, requiring us to peruse porn for something post worthy. I am doing that, all through NOvember, but even that isn’t moving the stimulation needle off of ZERO. That too was a weird experience. Looking at what is normally sexually stimulating images and feeling nothing!

But out of nowhere, on Day 17, I got this urge. I wasn’t even doing anything – honest! Just walking in my house and – wham – this tingle hits me between the legs. And more than just that, it is SHOUTING at me, demanding my attention. I sat down, pulled my knees together, clenched between legs, “Go away.” I worried that clenching was maybe a form of stimulation, so I quickly stopped, and squirmed to try to squash the feeling.

I confessed to Mike, and luckily he felt a clench was humorous and not a violation. Lucky me, I guess? Eventually this urge out of nowhere began to subside. There were a few aftershocks the rest of the day. Fortunately, I remained a good girl. No touchy!

DAY 18 – WHAT WAS THAT?

I don’t know what yesterday was about. Maybe that’s a classic withdrawal reaction? Sexual stimulation is full of feel good natural chemicals – rewards from your brain. Here’s an article.

I was coming off a nearly constant FIVE YEAR period of sexual stimulation. The decreased activity in my prefrontal cortex, orbitofrontal cortex, insula, cingulate gyrus, and cerebellum along with missing a steady release of oxytocin, meant my body was going through real withdrawals. Who knew? But lucky the return of my “withdrawals” only lasted a day. Day 18 was “urge” free.

DAY 19 through 30 – Submissive mind connects!

Mike followed through with this possibly being a month of no sex. No sexual acts were performed on or by me, by myself or with someone else.

And a new feeling emerged. Joy! I was enjoying being denied!

Even though we have been doing OC for a year, for the first time I felt I truly understood what I was giving Mike. I found joy in the fact he was holding my orgasms. I knew (or at least hoped) that at some point he will let me have one. But I found joy in that I didn’t just give him control of the “10” on the sexual stimulation scale, I gave him the entire scale, including 1 through 9.

My submissive mind connected to OC in a new way that was extremely fulfilling to me. I realized it wasn’t enough to grant Mike certain controls over me. Giving up power means far less than him actually USING those powers. It’s like if I had given him the power to discipline, yet he never disciplined. I gave him control of my sexual activity a long time ago, but he never took that control like he did in NOvember. Mmmmmm. I like that.

The submissive mind is weird!

DECEMBER 1 – LET IT RAIN?

When NOvember started, I had imagined December 1, as being an orgasm-fest. That I’d ask Mike if I could masturbate or have sex as soon as woke up and I’d spend most of the day fiddling myself. It turns out, I didn’t have any sex on December 1.

Somewhere in my mind I got it that the month was starting on Wednesday. So I had already told myself Wednesday was the day of orgasm. It was half-way through Tuesday that I realized it was now December. The odd thing was, I didn’t immediately equate it to being the end of NOvember. That’s how far I came in detoxing from sex. (hum…is that the right way to frame that sentence… came?) I digress.

But later that evening it DID dawn on me. And since Mike hadn’t said a word, I thought I’d show I “tough” I was and I wouldn’t say a word either and see what happened at bed time. Well, we had sex, but, Mike surprised me and said, “But I don’t want you to orgasm. You can do that first thing tomorrow.”

I’ve had “no orgasm” rules before. But not after a month of abstinence. I wasn’t sure I could do it. But actually, it was easier than ever. I think it was because I was starting at ZERO versus already being at a 2 or 3. I was also way more focused on Mike and Kayla. Almost as if I was just watching the three of us and not participating. It was a nice perspective. It felt good to be an observer of my own sexual activity.

DECEMBER 2

I awoke from my sleep. NOvember was awesome. The journey was amazing, the things I felt were amazing, the things I learned about myself were amazing. It all felt great, but DAMN! I was ready for it to be over.
I got to fingering right away and didn’t stop until I came.

I’ve been allowed free reign on my orgasms until further notice. I’ve already had to recharge several vibrators! I am glad I’ve got 11 months before next NOvember!


369. Make Feeling Good Great Again

I focused a lot on Chelsea’s perspective over the many posts about her situation. Since Jaime’s return from his out-of-town job, they both have spent a lot of time with us. Almost like therapy sessions of sorts. While Mike has spent much of the year helping them chip away at the walls between them, collectively we sort of took a sledgehammer to those walls over the last several weeks.

EMOTIONAL WALLS

As I learned more about Jaime, I see a familiar and stereotypical set of issues emerge. While his issues could apply to women, I see it way more in men. And that issue is an inability to truly feel a wide range of human emotion. I don’t mean just an inability to express those emotions. I mean an inability to even FEEL your emotions.

And while society plays a role in that, our biggest influences tend to be family, and Jaime is no exception. Since he was a little boy, his feelings have been shut down, conditioned to believe feelings are weak. But even though he may have grown up thinking he shouldn’t have/show certain feelings, those feelings are still there – they’re just underground and he’s numbed all emotional receptors so that they go unrecognized and unfelt.

In Chelsea he found a woman (really, a girl, as they met when she was just 16), who presented a degree of safety. He felt more free to awaken those long-buried feelings. Frankly, girls, if you can be an emotional safe haven for your mate, they will likely never leave your side. Of course, what I am talking about is achieving a comfort level to make yourself vulnerable to your mate. And vulnerability is hard, regardless of gender, but even more difficult for many men.

The problem as I see it is that while Jaime says that Chelsea was the first girl he felt like he could be himself around, he still had up a lot of walls. Maybe he took down some of the barricades, but the walls were still there. And the thing I believe can (and has) break those walls is through the vulnerability expressed by Chelsea.

TEAR DOWN THAT WALL

I don’t believe you should try to coax a feeling out of someone. You can’t be your mates therapist and it often backfires if you do something overt to try and elicit feelings from them. They feel pressured and confused over something they’ve never done before regarding identifying what it is they are feeling, and then actually expressing it. In short, they don’t feel safe, and they will resist.

In my mind, Chelsea could not overtly do something to help Jaime break down his walls. But what she could do, and DID do during her time with us, is get in touch with her feelings. And in my opinion, THAT is the magic elixir to getting Jaime to open up. By focusing on her feelings and fully and transparently expressing them to Jaime, it gave him permission to reciprocate. It told his brain it was okay to connect to the feelings he had numbed. Further, it was okay to actual express them.

I’ve written about this before. It is just another variation of the power of vulnerability. There is this “go first” thing with vulnerability. Couples will keep their walls up, or just take tiny chips off the walls, never willing to go “all in” unless and until they feel absolutely safe. And “safe” is the operative word here. People often don’t feel emotionally safe to express their full self. It’s scary!

But once one person does it, its mesmerizing to the other. Seeing Chelsea so in touch with her feelings made him naturally more relaxed to open up to her. And while I don’t like stereotypes, it seems that it often falls on the woman to open up first before the man is willing to do so. Whether true or not, so what? Whether you are male or female, I think the lesson is clear. Be vulnerable to those you have invited into your life!

I’ve seen a total change in the vibe between Jaime and Chelsea. There was this anxiousness, immaturity, and insecurity, that oozed from them. I always felt it, more so than Mike. I think my “emotion radar” is more fined tune, although frankly, for a man, Mike’s is pretty good. Again, sorry for the stereotype, but I am going off my own personal experience. In fact, it hasn’t always been that way. Pre-DD Mike was more like Jaime, and not only numb to his own feelings, but numb to those around him. A very weak “emotion radar.” Now, Mike can “read a room” pretty good (not as good as me, but, well, ya’ know, that’s just my thing!). I believe Mike’s new found “power” came from being more in tune to his own feelings. Oh! I got off track here. Where was I?

GOOD VIBRATIONS

Jaime and Chelsea’s vibe! Yeah, that’s it. While still evolving, it’s far more relaxed and less needy. And as a result they both report that the other exudes a level of comfort and sensuality that they’ve never experienced. It has started them down the positive cycle where vulnerability begets more vulnerability, and emotional closeness begets more emotional closeness. Simply put – their ITIMACY level is now off the charts.

Jaime better understands his own needs and desires, and thus is more capable of understanding AND FULFILLING Chelsea’s needs and desires. Conversely, the same is true of Chelsea.

One of the things I came across that connects to me is this post from DominantSoul . While titled, “The Heirarchy of Female Emotional Needs: Unleashing your Inner Vixen,” I believe it applies to men as well as women. And each step of the recipe requires an increased level of communication and vulnerability with your partner. Jaime and Chelsea were missing parts 3, 5, 6, 7, and 8 in the Recipe for Intimacy describe in the post. (By the way, I encourage you to check out DominantSoul, a self described Dominant Alpha-male).

MAKE FEELING GOOD GREAT AGAIN

So is it all rainbows and lollipops for their relationship? It still has a way to go. These things don’t solve themselves overnight. I consider one’s inability to connect to their feelings as the result of real trauma. It may not be as traumatic as say abuse or other horrific experiences. It may simply be the trauma of emotionally stunting norms within a family or society at large.

While I’ve said this is often considered more a “man thing,” there is one aspect of it that is considerably a “woman thing.” While men may be more stunted to feel and express various emotions, there is one emotion that many girls are conditioned to suppress – emotions involving pleasure.

Yes, such trauma often includes the concept that pleasure is wrong. Once conditioned to believe that, feeling pleasure becomes uncomfortable. You like it, but there’s an impulse to make it stop. I am not talking about only sexual pleasure. It can be ANY simple pleasure such as feeling cozy or feeling comfortable in your own body. It can also be a more complex pleasure such as feeling loved.

You don’t dislike those feelings, but you just can’t fully relate and connect to them. Often, you don’t feel deserving of them. It’s foreign, its weird, and your brain is resisting building the pathways so you can fully feel all of what that feeling has to offer. It takes effort to stop feeling annoyed and puzzled by those feelings and instead, feel good and fulfilled by them.

And I think that is why I strive to get to the bottom of what I am feeling. I hate it when a feeling annoys or puzzles me. It’s like my brain is denying me the purpose of that feeling. By reconciling the feeling, I release it, and get to experience all that it has to offer. And it pleases me, which is why I believe I am so happy with my life since becoming 100% vulnerable to Mike, and to those who I have invited into my life!

OPEN INVITATION

I invite you, man or woman, to understand you deserve all the feelings you’ve denied yourself. Embrace them, and exude them, and reconcile the bad ones to give power to the good ones. And SHARE THEM — Be vulnerable to those who you have invited into your life. And then revel in an amazing ride!

https://soundcloud.com/daniiacu/i-feel-good-james-brown

368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

Figured I’d close the loop with you all on what happened/is happening with Chelsea. As shared in several posts, she stayed with us for while as her husband worked on out-of-town job. (Post 357, Post 358, and Post 359).

I am sharing this in part because I find it fascinating and I think others might relate to bits and pieces of this. Even if you don’t, it may satisfy the voyeur in you that likes to peer into the lives of others.

Her time with us was full of personal revelations for her as I detailed in 359. There was one revelations that was not on the list as she didn’t come to it until later in her visit. That is, she realized she had a lot of controlling behaviors when it came to how she treated her husband, Jaime.

She is controlling, but not in a “tell him what to do” sort of way. She tries to control how he feels about her and how he reacts to her. She is submissive in that she likes to be under his guidance and be told what to do and have to meet his expectations. But even with that, she still wants control over his reactions to her. She wants to be recognized as nice, loving, and caring. Of course, who doesn’t? But for her, it creates two sets of consequences.

One, when she doesn’t get the reaction she wants, she sulks, she misbehaves, and her body language is disapproving. She is likely to start a debate about something he asks of her. Simply, she undermines the dominance she wants from him.

The second consequence of her actions is that it causes Jaime to become uncertain, hesitant, and insecure about whether he is “doing it right” as far as being the Dom she desires. Jaime is a bit shy and reserved by nature. When Chelsea does something he perceives as a rejection or challenge to his role, he backs off from the responsibilities of that role. And in turn, that cascades into several other consequences.

His backing off means Chelsea doesn’t get the consistency she wants from him. In frustration, Jaime has turned to Mike to provide that consistency. I’ve shared before that Mike has become the surrogate Dom to Chelsea and often administers her discipline. And as Mike observed, it was causing both of them to become more passive-aggressive towards each other. Effective communication was breaking down in the process.

One of the things I’ve observed in Mike is that when it comes to communication with me or with Kayla, it is aggressive-agressive, not passive-aggressive. And I don’t mean it as “aggression.” There is no hostility or anger. I mean it in the way aggressive means decisive, clear, assertive, unambiguous, with clearly stated, and more importantly, clearly understood, intentions.

For example:

Passive Aggressive: “Isn’t that a lot of makeup?”
Aggressive-aggressive: “I don’t want you wearing so much make up.”

Sure, aggressive-aggressive is controlling. That’s what D/s is full of. But it is not passive-aggressive. Aggressive-Aggressive is about taking the wheel and driving right to your destination. Passive-Aggressive is hinting and mumbling about your desired destination, and then whining and resenting it when you don’t arrive there.

Chelsea realized that while she still thrives at being submissive, she needs explicit words of encouragement and appreciation from Jaime. All it took was sharing that with Jaime and Jaime was like, “Yeah, I can do that, because I am amazed by you and all you are willing to do for me. ”

Funny, she had fewer reservations about asking Jaime to be spank her and bring Domestic Discipline into their marriage than she did about simply admitting to him she needed more words of encouragement from him. Humans!

It might be easy to blame Jaime for not being more outwardly supportive. But he tends to be a person of few words, and it is just not his demeanor to verbally praise. It reminds me of something I posted several years ago – Post 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline. As well as what is in the two posts right after that one, 159. Follow the Leader. and 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. as well as the post right after that one.

That “Golden Rule” is: Make sure you both recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, it means giving praise.  For the Sub, it means giving thanks. 

Since Chelsea has returned to Jaime, Mike continues to check in with them almost daily. They have both made an effort to work on this issue and apparently it is paying dividends. They both report a new energy and connection in their marriage.

HOWEVER, this post just talked of this newer epiphany regarding Chelsea realizing the impact of her controlling behavior mixed with Jaime’s reserved personality. What of the other realizations Chelsea had as I previously shared?

Her sexuality? She said she really wants Jaime in her life and as her husband, but she would love an open marriage with a third like what I have. And she feels very in love with Kayla. Kayla enjoys Chelsea company and considers her her best friend, but the “love connection” is not 100% mutual. And Kayla told her she is not interested in being their “third” as she is committed to our relationship. But, as ours is an open relationship, that doesn’t mean Kayla can’t be a “friend with benefits.” And for now, that is how that stands. Chelsea shared her feelings with Jaime and reassured him she has no intentions of leaving him – ever. And her desire for a relationship with a woman would always be within the context of their marriage and whatever Jaime would allow.

Chelsea feels relieved to have shared this with Jaime and for Jaime to have accepted it. She said she thinks some of her passive-aggressive tendencies was her trying to suppress or keep her strong feelings about this issue to herself.

I won’t go point-by-point through the remaining realizations shared in those other posts about Chelsea. But, to sum them all up —

While not completely gone, she is definitely on the road to reconciling every one of those issues and doing so with Jaime’s love and support. It’s amazing what 100% transparent communication and allowing yourself to be fully VULNERABLE to your mate can do for a relationship, especially when that vulnerability is reciprocated.

And if by chance it isn’t reciprocated or that the “full you” is not appreciated. . . well, isn’t that an invaluable thing to learn about your mate? It may hurt, but it hurts a lot less than a lifetime of negative behaviors and being unfulfilled.

367. No-vember: Orgasm Control

I should give you an update as to the conclusion of Chelsea’s stay with us and where things stand between her and her husband. Perhaps another post. I am overdo for sharing a kink-related story. . . as if the whole Chelsea thing is just normal vanilla stuff! lol. Anyway, I thought it was time to write about something fun and even a bit silly, ORGASM CONTROL.

Mike decided I would be subject to NO-vember. As in no orgasms all month. In fact, perhaps even no sex at all! But before I elaborate, let’s get on the same page regarding Orgasm Control.

I’ve shared that late last year I agreed to give control over my orgasms to Mike. That is, I can only cum when he has given me permission. As part of that, I can not even masturbate without explicit permission. I also shared that back in June, both me and Kayla were subject to Juno.

BACKGROUND

Mike was the one that came to me with the idea and, always willing to consider anything that gives Mike more control and influence over me, I was game. It all seemed a lot like a game to me. It’s such a silly thing for a couple to do, even in the context of our less-than-vanilla lifestyle. Or so I thought! I’ve learned it’s serious stuff!

Serious in that it has had profound consequences – positive consequences. It has had a far greater impact than I thought it would. It may be silly, but it’s also serious in a uniquely kinky way!

Orgasm Control isn’t just about abstinence. In fact, it’s less about abstinence and more about simply not being allowed to orgasm during sex. There’s a lot of “edging” that goes on. Here’s a link for the uninitiated. Also, here’s another great article on Kinkly.

The folklore is that edging turns a woman into a constantly dripping brain-dead sex-crazed goon who is ready, willing, and able to perform any sexual act on command. I learned that this folklore is actually fairly accurate. Of course, with me, Mike was starting with someone that isn’t far removed from already being that caricature.

I’ve shared before that Domestic Discipline has given me a heightened sexual feeling 24×7. On a sexual desire scale of 1 to 10, I feel I my “baseline” state is a 2. For context, think of it as being in a constant state where I am 20% of the way to an orgasm. I believe it is because I am so happy and fulfilled and my mindset of constant submission stimulates me sexually even though I may not be thinking sexual thoughts. Submission is just sexy to me! Orgasm Control (OC) added to that baseline. . . yep, “dripping sex crazed goon” is not too far off.

I must ask permission to masturbate or for any sex I have, as well as ask permission to have an orgasm. He may also tell me to edge at any time. Since adopting OC, it reduced how often I masturbate to climax. And maybe about a third of the time I am not allowed to cum during sex. So I’ve gone from daily-cummer to maybe twice a week on average, three or four in a good week.

This increased my “baseline” sexual desire to at least a 3.3 or maybe even a 4. That may not sound like much, but think of it as being 33% of your way to an orgasm — as your default state throughout the day. OC can be summed up like this:

Even when I’m not horny, I’m still a little horny.

When Mike tells me to edge it doesn’t take me long to go from 33% to 99%. And then I have to stop. No orgasm. The more days I am only allowed to edge, the more my baseline increases, until, indeed, as foretold by the kink prophecies, I am desperate to have an orgasmic release.

And when finally allowed to cum, it’s almost never just an “Okay you can cum.” It’s an edge, then a stop. Another edge, then a stop. Another, and maybe another. And then finally, usually with me begging to be allowed to cum, he allows it. Typically, I am not a very vocal cummer. But the best way I can describe orgasms after extended OC is this:

I beg him with my words, my eyes, my body.
I scream my desire, squealing phrases
that will make me flush in shame
when I recall them tomorrow.

These are by far the strongest most earth shattering orgasms I’ve every had. It makes OC worth it!

And as a bonus, it just tickles my submissive spot to know that I can only orgasm if Mike allows it. I often have to ask permission to do so. The act of asking, sometimes begging, for it has its own impact. It tickles my submissive spot even more, and at a time I can’t stand much more “tickling.”

NOvember

Like Juno (June-no), NOvember is another month one can dedicate to OC. While I live 24×7 with OC, (ha, sounds like the beginning of a pharmaceutical commercial), these “special” months are designated for more intense and focused OC.

Mike decided that he didn’t want me and Kayla to both be subject to his NOvember. He announced that Juno will be for Kayla, and NOvember will be for me. So, yea me!

Further, while our first Juno had a lot of edging and sex with no orgasm, Mike said he would make these “events” to be more about overall abstinence with some of the edging thrown it. But no cumming, so yep, November will be an orgasm free month for me, unless I mess up.

Oh – speaking of messing up. What happens if I let an O slip in? For one, I am expected to handle a UO by making it a UFO. That’s our-speak for Unauthorized Orgasm and Unauthorized Failed Orgasm. A failed orgasm, better known as a “ruined orgasm” is one where I am expected to NOT enjoy the moment. I do my best to distract or disrupt what’s going on down there and everywhere else in my body. Basically, try and make it as weak of an O as possible. In addition to UFO, I would also be subject to disciplinary action and perhaps a prolonged period of abstinence.

Have I ever slipped and released a UO! Yes, once!
What is a typical day in NOvember been like? Perverted minds want to know.

Next post, maybe?

NEXT: 368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

366. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

Kayla had a birthday this week. She’s 26. It’s so amazing to experience who she is today and to have been part of the journey that brought her to this point. We also recently had our 2nd anniversary as … well, as I don’t know what you would call it? Publicly bonded triad? I’ll save the Kayla and family update for another post. This one will be about the person I know best. Me!

I want to dive right in to the fulfillment I get from being a submissive wife in Domestic Discipline.

MY MARRIAGE

While I will focus mainly on how I feel about me, I want to start with what it means to my marriage. DD has taken the intimacy level to immeasurable heights. I don’t just mean sexually. By being 100% vulnerable to each other, we both feel completely safe and secure to reveal the truth about ourselves to each other. By being totally free to express our needs, desires, and whims, with the sometimes illogical origins, we are actually revealing the “walls” that are around us. And by revealing them to each other, those walls disappear. As I’ve written many times, the result is, we are one, but not the same (cue U2).

Vulnerability is an amazing thing. Maybe I will post about it some time. — If you are new here, I’ve done like a bazillion posts about the power of vulnerability. Go to my shortcuts and there are nine of them referenced in my Nine Thoughts on Finding Happiness.

ME

To sum up all that submission gives me — It shrinks the world!

It simplifies, synthesizes, and purifies. It filters out all the noise and leaves me able to focus singularly on what is truly important to me.

It gives me structure, and the more rules I have, the more secure I feel.

It provides me clear standards at which to measure my moments and my days.

It gives me time and energy, as I no longer do things that are unimportant, frivolous, or uninspiring.

It makes me accountable to the people that are most important to me and through accountability I am fulfilled and redeemed.

It gives me an incredible amount of love, devotion, and attention from Mike. He is deeply invested in my day-to-day activities like never before.

The sex is incredible! Just sayin’.

Yes, in order to get all those things I have had to give up some things as well. I gave up various powers in exchange for all of the above. Best deal I’ve ever made!

Serving Mike as I do was not done on a whim. We didn’t get to where we are overnight. It was a choice I initially made, and he subsequently made. It filled me with a freedom unlike any I had ever felt. It was absent any pressure or outside urgency. It just felt right from the beginning through today. We somehow found something in each other that we didn’t even know was missing within us and between us. We both offered parts of ourselves that no one had ever offered us nor that we had ever offered each other.

It’s NOT EASY. It’s hard work, dedication, devotion, determination, kindness, and empathy. The hardest part? It’s honesty and communication at a 100% transparent level. It’s the removal of all boundaries between two people. It’s a willingness to explore each other, allow each other to explore the world around us, and explore ourselves all without judgment or fear from the other.

OUT OF OUR VULNERABILITIES CAME OUR STRENGTHS!

And if I had to do it again, my choices would have remained the same.

submissive wife

This. Is. Who. I. Am!


P.S. Did I mention the sex is incredible?

Net: 367. NO-vember: Orgasm Control

365. ONE MORE REFLECTION AND THEN LETS MOVE ON

Re-read my prior post and feel it was a bit jumbled. Thing is, when we attempt to make sense of our today by looking back on events in our life, it’s difficult to discern what were “causes” of where we are. Ultimately, while it is an interesting journey, I am not all that concerned with the “Why I am submissive.” I am more concerned with the “Who I am as a submissive.”

But before I waste your time with diving into that, let me waste your time with one more attempt at making sense of why I am submissive.

While there are more layers to it, I think the overarching reason is that I am a people pleaser.

PEOPLE PLEASER

There are two types of people pleasers, those who like to please because:

– how it makes the object of your pleasure feel
– how it makes you feel

Not to say there can’t be a mix of both, so okay, three types! Anyway, before Domestic Discipline, my overarching motivation was rooted in how it made ME feel. Even worse, I became exclusively focused on my intentions, and not the impact of my actions. If my intentions were pure, damn the results! If the result were not as I intended it wasn’t my fault, and I certainly wasn’t going to change or take any responsibility. In my mind, my intentions were pure and if someone (Mike) questioned the outcome they were saying my intentions were bad. Screw them!

Simply, my people-pleasing was inauthentic. I was using the excuse of the axiom, “You can’t make others feel good if you aren’t happy.” I bastardized it into, “You can’t make others feel good if you aren’t right about everything.” Doh!

When I started reading about Domestic Discipline I believe the concept that jumped out at me was I needed to stop basing my criteria for pleasing others on what I thought pleased them. It must be based on what ACTUALLY pleases them. Then, AND ONLY THEN, I could consider whether it actually fulfilled me to do those things. Yes, it still had to make me happy. If it didn’t, I would eventually become resentful, anxious, insecure, and unloving.

CUE BLACK SABBATH?

The first thing that attracted me to the notion of DD was giving up what I now realized was fake fulfillment, fake feelings, and fake demonstrations of love. Those had to be replaced them with truth. That struck a chord in me. Not the warm and fuzzy type of chord, but a heavy metal power chord courtesy of a Tommi Iomi/Geezer Butler flatted fifth in G. And turn it 11!

Didn’t know I was musical, did you? While not a metal-head, who could deny the power of that chord? I digress

In other words, it was a bit of an ominous realization for me. My attraction to what I was thinking shocked me because at the same time I was like, “BUT, BUT, BUT. . . FEMINISM!” (read Post 350. Equity and Fairness for how I reconcile that). However, the more I read about submitting to my husband, I became more connected to its’ promise.

Then I had to consider what my husband would think. I DID NOT think, “Oh, Mike is going to love this DD stuff.” I actually wasn’t sure he would go for it, as chronicled in my first several posts. Contrary to popular belief, I’ve learned that husbands aren’t always eager to officially take the mantle of Head of Household and all the rights bestowed therein.

I hadn’t fully envisioned what DD was going to mean for us, other than I connected with submitting to Mike. I also somehow innately knew that my submitting was going to require tremendous communication and sharing all our deeply held wishes and desires. That part excited me more than anything. THAT was the moment when the Domestic Discipline light bulb switched on!

It went from the “devils triad” chords to more of a “Windows 98″ Startup sound followed by the Win 98 tada! Again, you can read about that journey by reading through my first dozen posts, starting with #1.

NOT SO FAST, JEN

The name of my blog is Domestic Discipline, Jenny Style. It’s not “Mike Style.” And if you read my first dozen plus posts, you’ll see it was DD on MY terms. So even then, I was still defining our DD based on what I THOUGHT would make Mike happy. But in hindsight, I think for us it was absolutely necessary that we entered Domestic Discipline in that way. I needed to be in control of letting go of control, and Mike, as a newbie Dom, needed to know what he was doing was clearly aligned with my needs and desires. So for us, it worked!

And eventually, I evolved from a Domestic Discipline that was MINE, to a Domestic Discipline that was FOR ME. It took awhile. 2.5 years after starting DD, I wrote this post re Submissive to Mike or Mike’s submissive? Then almost a year after that, this one re My Submission Becomes His Dominance.

But here we are. I am a submissive wife who submits to her husband on his terms. What fulfillment do I get from that? Not some esoteric “Why do I submit?” What feeling do I get today from submitting to my husband and being subject to his leadership and discipline?

Next post. I promise to get it up in a day or two! If not, Mike can spank me on your behalf! Well, to be precise, he can spank me on my backside, but in your honor!

NEXT: 366. This is who I am

364. Part II – Why I AM A SUBMISSIVE WIFE

Picking up where I left off on the prior post. . .

I have come to realize that as a child I had a feelings of guilt, anger, and rejection. Those feelings were also surrounded with plenty of warm and loving feelings, as shared in my Backstory. The negative feelings were not all-consuming. But, as stated in my prior post, there were many “mundane” experiences that embedded some of those negative feelings into my pysche.

I won’t share them all. They were nothing overtly traumatic. Something as an adult you’d say, “And why did that bother you?” But to the mind of the seven year old that experienced it, the answer seems obvious. Exactly the sentiment expressed in my Childhood is Wasted on Children post.

FOR EXAMPLE

I was keenly aware that I was my dad’s “favorite.” You can read more in my About page. In many ways this was a positive, but as an adult I started to reflect and recognize it also had some negatives. I felt guilty my siblings didn’t get to experience the best of my dad. Why me? Why should I be the lucky one? I felt I hadn’t done anything to deserve what my siblings missed out on. I think my people pleasing was a manifestation of trying to show I deserved the love and attention I got. In my mind, I had to do something, – anything – to earn what was so freely given to me.

Parenting can be such a sucky thing! I mean, you’d think showing unconditional love and support to a child would be uber-nurturing and self-affirming for that child. Nope! Even that, through the reasoning skills of a child, can be warped into a guilt-inducing thing.

Another example – there were a couple of occasions where my dad didn’t allow me to do some things with my siblings and cousins, who were all older than me. Those events really stuck with me as I interpreted it as there being something wrong with me such that he felt I didn’t deserve to do whatever fun thing the older kids were doing. Odd that I don’t have any specific memories of my mom doing the exact same thing, although I know she did so countless times. But it was my dad’s “rejection” that stuck with me so much that I can recall all the specific situations where this occurred.

As I said in my prior post, these experiences don’t have to be overtly traumatic. I was never abused and all these “negative” experiences were wrapped in a lot of loving experiences. They were mundane things that the mind of a child had to interpret and rationalize. At the time, being the much younger one of the group didn’t mean my parents made sure I had age appropriate experiences and that my siblings and cousins didn’t have to always worry about me tagging along. No, it meant there was something wrong with me and something missing from their love for me.

HOW I “FIXED” IT AS A CHILD

I realize now that the way I “fixed” this as a child was to conform and make as little fuss as possible in hopes that would both show that I deserved the tremendous love I got as well as “buy” the missing pieces of love I felt from being “rejected.” I became a people-pleaser and abandoned my own needs, so much so, my own needs became that need to please. That isn’t necessarily a bad trait, but it was pleasure based on what I thought would please people, not what necessarily actually pleased them.

Conflicting with the need to please was my mom’s enduring mantra, “Love life, every moment, every day.” And that if I wasn’t loving life, it was up to me to change it. Not a man, not a drug, not anyone but me.

I found that trying to please others was hard because I didn’t know what pleased them. I hit upon the idea that I had to first be happy, as you can’t make anyone happy if you’re not happy. Truth that!! But I went about it the wrong away because I rooted my happiness in what I THOUGHT made others happy. I became highly invested in that mindset such that I would get offended if my motives weren’t respected and applauded.

As I look back at my life pre-DD, I realize I was living much of my life as an impartial observer.  I was in a constant rush to achieve my goals, pursue my dreams, and I was suffering from not having a free moment to myself.  I was overburdened and lived in constant stress.  What was important to me was truly unimportant in the scheme of things.  I thought I was living life, every moment, every day, but it was fake.  It was a hypnotic dream. (See Post 30. I Found my Thrill where I elaborated on this concept).

I now understand how the habits I cultivated as a child, set me up for failure as an adult. It’s one thing to put others needs before your own when fully motivated by the act of doing so with no expectation of getting something directly in return. But doing so because you think it will “buy” you love, adoration, appreciation, and respect? You’re in for a big disappointment. It will backfire as you will eventually feel unappreciated, burned out, angry, and resentful.   

HOW I “FIXED” IT AS AN ADULT

How on earth did I figure submitting to my husband and a lifestyle of Domestic Discipline was the answer?

It’s hard to explain, but in looking back, I don’t think submission was the direct answer to my problems.

The answer to my problems was to accept my lack of control over how others, especially my husband, chose to treat me.  Further, if someone was being unloving to me, I no longer had the need or desire to “earn” their love.  I needed to accept what it means to take care of myself and accept that I have no control over how another person chooses to be.  

Accepting that I can’t control other’s feelings or behavior has freed me to take loving care of myself.   And I do that by behaving the way I want to behave, by truly making myself happy so that I can then be in a mindset that is capable of bringing joy to others. THAT was my answer. It just so happens that they way I wanted to behave and the way I truly make myself happy falls under the definition of a submissive wife.

I know that sounds like a giant leap, but going all the way back to my Third Post, I believe THAT is why the idea of submission resonated with me as I shared in that post. It was always within me, I just didn’t know it. For whatever reason, be it those childhood experiences or mid-life crisis, or whatever — submitting to my husband fulfills me and has made my marriage indestructible and fulfilling beyond anything I could have imagined or can even fully articulate. But maybe 364 posts have begun to scratch the surface!

By the way, all this self-reflection was triggered by Chelsea. I’ll provide an update and conclusion of sorts on her stay with us. Her stay prompted me to think about where my need to submit comes from. I still may not have fully answered it, and maybe won’t ever do so. But you now have some of the pieces that I think make up at least part of the answer.

Next: 365. One More Reflection and Then Let’s Move On

362. ALMOST FORGOT: CLIFFHANGER & SEX BLOGGER AWARDS

Two things I forgot to include the last post.. . .

CLIFFHANGER – DICK & BELT OR TAKE THE OUT?
I meant to close out the cliffhanger from Post 360. Finger Spankin’ Good. Did I choose Dick & Belt, or did I take the out Mike offered me?

I only had moments to formulate a response. I quickly assessed all the pros and cons and —- I took the out!

I can get dick any time, and as for the belt, as much as I accept spankings, guess what? They hurt! So given the opportunity, I’ll opt-out. I was already spanked a bit and I think my orgasm also contributed to my dick-free mood. Plus, I wanted to make a point that, as much as I appreciated the “deviation from the norm,” (aka “the nice finger fuck”), I strive to keep sex and discipline separate.

And that’s the perfect segue. . . .

SEX BLOGGER RESOURCE & AWARDS
I encourage you to check out Kinkly and subscribe! tI’s one of my favorite sites. Their Sex Blogger Directory is a great resource for finding blogs that relate to your tastes and desires.

I’ve been listed in their Superheroes List in the past. Something like #360-ish out of 500. Nice to be listed! They are currently taking votes for their updated list.

You can Vote Here.
Sort alphabetically and look for Domestic Discipline, Jenny Style

If you have a blog you’d like to be listed, you can be added to Kinkly’s list by going here.

Whether you give me a nod or not, I encourage you to check out Kinkly if you’re a reading perv or register your site if you’re a kink-related blogger-perv, like me.

Post 363. Irrative Process Part 1 Why I Submit

361. Childhood is wasted on children

WARNING: No mentions of sex or spankings in this post.

I had a mega-post all written. So big in fact that I needed to break it up into three separate posts. But then, I decided not to post it at all.
DELETE!

I concluded that, at that level of detail, it is not my story to share. Three posts about Chelsea are enough (357. We are Four. 358. Chelsea Moves In. 359. DD will Amp you Up). You’re stuck with me writing about my favorite topic – Me – and how better understanding Chelsea’s journey has taught me some things about myself, and people in general.

CHILDHOOD WASTED ON CHILDREN?
It’s a shame that childhood has to be experienced through the mind of a child! Why does such a grand time in our life, the most formative time of our life, have to be lived through the lens of a child? Why does childhood have to be wasted on children?

I say that a tongue-in-cheek to make a point that so much of what we experience as a child shapes us as adults. The problem is those experiences were interpreted through the reasoning and coping skills of a child.

Childhood experiences can have a tremendous effect on us throughout our life. And how our child-self interprets them can be so varied such that kids growing up in the same household with similar experiences can end up with totally different views about those experiences.

Those views are powerful because the conclusions we reached about an experience as a child BECOMES the conclusion that is forever embedded in our psyche. We become slaves to the reasoning skills of a child.

No matter how much we are told or provided clear evidence that an experience wasn’t our fault, or that we misinterpreted what happened, or whatever the case – there is no convincing that child otherwise. As a result, as adults, we remain mired in whatever emotions the experience triggered in our child-self and those emotions can sometimes become all-consuming.

GRANDMA’S COFFEE
I have a fond memory of my grandmother. I was four or five years old. I know my age because it occurred at a house they sold by the time I was six.

I walked into the kitchen and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled the air. She was standing, rather stoic, near the door of the back porch adjacent to the kitchen. She was staring out into her well-manicured back yard. The slight breeze of crisp and cool air seeped in through the screen door. To this day I remember the smell of the coffee, the smell of the air, the touch of the breeze on my cheek, and the look in my grandmother’s eyes.

It was a thirty second experience, or less, before she saw me and said something that broke the moment. I have no recollection of what she said, or of anything else about that day. I surmise the reason this brief experience was seared into my memory was because the look in my grandmother’s eyes. It was more stoic than serene. Even at four or five, I recognized she was deep in though about something very meaningful to her. There was something about her look that made a permanent impression in my mind. That “marker” allowed me to retain all the wonderful details about the moment.

I long to go to that house, stand by the back patio to the kitchen, door open, crisp morning air coming through the screen door, and enjoy a cup of coffee. So much so that I discovered the house is now a vacation rental. Once COVID is over, we hope to rent it! I think my love of coffee is rooted in that experience. When we are ready to rent it, I sure hope there’s a cool morning like the one in my memory.

That was a positive childhood experience. My point is, it was very mundane and inexplicable as to why that memory was seared into my psyche and gives me joy today. It doesn’t make much sense given the countless joyful things I experienced with my grandmother, but I couldn’t tell you of a single smell or what the air was like or the look in her eyes like I can for that morning in the kitchen.

But what about negative experiences? How you interpreted them as a child is now a part of who you are as an adult. Hard wired, deeply rooted, metastasized throughout the core of who you are, how you think, how you treat others, and most importantly, how you think about yourself. And those “negative experiences” could be things that are obviously traumatic, such as abuse. But they also could be over something that was mundane, yet our child-like minds interpreted them otherwise.

CHELSEA REVISITED
Suffice to say Chelsea had some traumatic experiences, and making them worse, they weren’t just cloaked in secrecy between those directly involved. It was a systemic, collective community of secrets, rooted in religion and family tradition. And while you can imagine what some of them might be, some of what she shared were truly mundane things that she interpreted a certain way.

Jaime is due back in about two weeks. Only in the last few days has Chelsea began 100% opening up with Jaime about everything. Not so much her childhood experiences – she says she shared all of that with him when they were dating. No, more importantly, she is sharing what those experiences mean to her. How they influence her, how they have defined her, and how she is striving to have them no longer define herself.

By changing those definitions, she is changing a part of who she is. Change is scary, for her, and for Jaime. While I don’t know what this means for their marriage long term, I sense this is bringing them closer together, not further apart. It’s just that the “new together” that defines their relationship will be different. Not sure exactly how or to what degree, but ultimately, they are changes for the better as far as resulting in a happy, complete, fulfilled, and secure young woman.

WHAT ABOUT ME?
I said this post would be about me. Well, I guess I lied. There was a bit about Chelsea there. ANYWAY – In addition to my realization that one problem with childhood is that it is experienced by children, it also got me thinking about why I connect so strongly to submitting to my husband. It caused me to re-examine my child-mind to better understand what is that makes submission so fulfilling and wonderful to me.

It goes back all the way to Post 3. The Search when I shared how I stumbled on the idea of Domestic Discipline. As I shared in that post, I approached it with repulsive feelings, and as I read more, I felt the repulsion melt and be replaced with giddy anticipation over what is possible. Why?

You can read thirteen posts I’ve highlighted in my Shortcuts regarding my thoughts on being submissive or the nine posts I highlighted in the Shortcuts under the heading, Finding Happiness.

I’ve read through all of them again, and while all true to my feelings, they don’t fully get to the root at trying to explain why submission fulfills me. I think I will give that a go on my next post! Uh-oh, esoteric ramble time!