All posts by ddjennifer

51-year old married mom of 3 (empty-nester, sort of). Married 29 years and enjoying life.

360. FINGER SPANKIN’ GOOD

Chelsea’s been here a week. While parts of her day are filled with emotion-filled discovery, overall it is upbeat and joyful. It’s nice to have someone different to interact with as it’s been six-months of either isolation or significant separation from fellow humans thanks to Covid.

Chelsea brings a different energy to the house. She’s a bit frenetic, a bit of nervous energy. I feel like Cesar Milan, (the dog whisperer), in that I know she will thrive if she can just maintain a calm submissive state! Ruff-ruff!

I’ve learned a lot more about her upbringing, fears, anxieties, and aspirations. She always struck me as being confident, but now I see her confidence was cover for significant feelings of inadequacy. I can also see her need to present a false sense of confidence is slowly being replaced by real confidence. It isn’t easy. There is a lot of insecurity in her and it will take a long time for her to fully squash it. At least she recognizes there is a healthy way to address it: Trust and be vulnerable to those you have invited into your life! I am SOOO digging that phrase!

I am sure I will have an update or two along the way during her visit. Especially if she decides it’s time to have a serious talk with Jaime. She might wait for him to return home. We shall see. I think a lot of her current anxiety is around having “the talk” with Jaime. A lot of her future rides on his reaction. While uncertain, my bet is he will be supportive and they will come out better for it. Always the optimist!

SWITCHING GEARS
Now for something completely different.

Given that it’s kinky, I guess it isn’t THAT different.

I’ve shared that I don’t like to mix sex with my discipline. For me they are distinct. While our sex can sometimes included kinky things like a slap on various body parts, and our play can sometimes include flogging of various body parts, none of those activities are in the context of discipline.

It’s different for Kayla in that, for her, sex and discipline can mix. A spanking or other form of discipline from Mike can often end in sexual acts of one kind or other. I understand it to a degree. and recognize that sometimes I feel aroused during discipline. One trigger in particular that tends to increase the moisture (aka “get me wet) is Mike’s words. Sometimes a harsh lecture turns me on!

Despite any arousal, I’ve shared with Mike my desire to keep sex separate from discipline. I haven’t really given deep thought into why that is important to me, it just is. Mike has always respected. Well, not 100% of the time.

I was spanked yesterday. Car registration and inspection were due by the end of August and it’s my responsibility to take care of it. I forgot. I got it done today, so luckily didn’t get a ticket. While that would have made things worse, it still isn’t an excuse for getting off without some discipline. And for added context, I’ve been spanked over the last few weeks for other things that go under the category of “I forgot.” Some grocery items I was to pick up, some errand I was to run.

I am highly organized around my household duties and quick to enter any task into my calendar on my phone with plenty of reminders set to ensure I meet my commitments. I think the string of forgetfulness was simply over confidence. I had started to no bother to enter things in my phone and just store the reminder in my head. Not a good idea.

Given the string of forgetfulness, Mike gave me a very stern lecturing. While I always find them erotically humbling, for whatever reason, this one was particularly arousing. I think part of it was that while not in our bedroom as an eyewitness, Chelsea was clearly able to overhear everything Mike was saying. I don’t know if that stimulated the exhibitionist in me, or what exactly was going on in my body.

I think part of it was that I liked the fact that Mike was undeterred simply because Chelsea could hear. He was going to say and do what needed to be said and done, no matter who heard. I liked that. Also, I had not been allowed to orgasm in three days.

I don’t connect to anything related to DDlg, but I do find lectures to be infantilizing. It makes me feel like a little girl. I like that feeling, but only in the context of his lectures. Odd. Hey, don’t question what turns you on, just go with it!

THE SPANKING FINGERING
So here we are, Mike lecturing me. We are nude, by the way, as is our default when we are home. He puts me over his knee and begins to spank me by hand. I can sense I am wet down there, but I don’t know to what degree. At some point, he readjusted my position across his lap. I don’t know if he felt something on his leg or his hand as it brushed between my legs.

He gave me three hard smacks and said, “My, you are wet, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Sir, I guess so,” I replied.

Three more hard smacks, and then he spread my legs and reached around and rubbed the outside of my pussy, giving it three strokes with closed fingers.

“No guessing. You most certainty are,” he said smugly.

While he didn’t rub hard, each stroke made me flinch and with each one I let out a little whimper, each whimper a little longer than the one before.

“Like that?” he asked.

“Yes, Sir.” I said coldly, no expression. I was feeling like my body was betraying me.

He resumed spanking me, as I expected. After about twenty or thirty, he began to rub my butt, which is not unusual. Clearly I was sexually aroused. Just the rubbing of my butt elicited not just a small whimper, but a subconscious writhing of my body, which was still laid out across his lap.

Mike’s movements throughout the spanking had slid my body so that his knee was close to being between my legs. He then guided my body so that his knee was firmly between my legs. It wasn’t a push.. It was a guide, and I did not resist. I quickly started humping his leg, softly at first, then more intently and with purpose.

I wasn’t even thinking about this being a spanking. After grinding on his leg for I don’t know how long, he pulled my body back up into a proper spanking position. He gave me a few more hard whacks and then slid his hand between my legs and started playing with my pussy.

Before long he was fully fingering me and my twisting and contorting across his lap became more and more animated. It didn’t stop until I orgasmed.

As I was catching my breath, still sprawled across his knee, Mike remarked, “Well, that wasn’t much of a punishment?”

“Best punishment, ever,” I said with a smile.

Whack. He smacked my butt hard and sarcastically said, “Best punishment, ever. . . SIR”

“Yes, Sir. Best punishment ever, Sir,” I said in a seductive voice. And feeling a stiffness against my belly I said, “And do you need me to take care of that erection, Sir?”

“Now Jen, you know this isn’t your thing to mix discipline with sex. While too late for that, do you really want to go further?”

“Yes,” I replied.

Mike thought for a moment and said, “Well, here’s the deal. You can suck me off and I give you a proper spanking of 25 with the belt, or we can conclude this punishment now and that’s that. No sucking.”

Mike was clearly being playful, but I knew he meant it as well. He was actually giving me a choice between giving him head AND being spanked versus avoiding further spankings. Heck, I was fully sexually satisfied at the moment, so any dick sucking would be 100% for his satisfaction. Do I want to endure the belt when there is no upside for me? The answer seemed obvious.

But I also took Mike’s tone as a bit of a playful dare. He was taunting me to accept the spanking. “I know we messed up and mixed pain with pleasure. We shouldn’t violate your values so nonchalantly. It seems that you owe it to yourself to finish me off and then be properly punished.”

Arg! What to do! Uphold my long held position that the sanctity of my discipline should not be violated by sex, or spare the sting of the belt? I love playful games with Mike. And I love to feel victorious in these games. But which one was “victory” for me? What did I do? Inquiring minds want to know.

REFLECTION
This incident did not mark a change in my desires to keep discipline separate from sex. It was simply one of those things that is bound to happen from time to time. No need to fight it. No need to over analyze it.

I let Mike know it is my wish to continue our tradition of keeping it separate. No regrets or remorse over what happened. Quite the opposite. It was fun! We can be playful at times, even during a punishment. Exceptions to every rule, as long as we both agree.

I am debating whether or not to tell you if I took the “dick and belt” or graciously accepted the out. (Ha. Dick and Belt sounds like a good name for a morning radio duo. “It’s Dick and Belt in the morning, coming to you on KBDSM radio). I digress)

I’ll let you know. Next post.

Place your bets!

359. Domestic Discipline will AMP YOU UP

Domestic Discipline will AMP {clap} you up!

Picking up where I left off. . .

When Chelsea arrived she emptied her suitcase and other personal items in our guest bedroom and joined us in the living room as Mike calls us together for this unique “Maintenance Session” as explained in my prior post.

And as if by magic, something unexpected happened. Something that could take months, if not years, or even a lifetime for someone to articulate to someone else. Chelsea said the most amazing and surprising thing.

As I left off in the prior post, Mike stated, “. . . I don’t ask you to be anyone other than yourself.”

Chelsea didn’t say anything right away. It’s like I could sense the wires starting to connect… zzzt, zzzt, zzzzzzt!

With the saddest face humanly possible, she mumbled,
“But. But. But, what if I’m not enough? What if there’s something wrong with me?”

And then she cried.

Mike immediately went to her and held her. He assured her that no matter what, it can only be right.

I recognized Chelsea had a lot she needed to get off her chest. I felt like the setting might be intimating for her. Seemingly ready to reveal her worst fears in life, I felt the fewer people around the better. Overcoming my predisposition to be nosy, I knew my presence wasn’t valuable. While Kayla is her best friend, I sensed even having her around might be a bit much. Chelsea said what she said to Mike, staring straight at him as if we weren’t even there. I asked Mike if Kayla and I could leave the room and he agreed.

I don’t have a bad relationship with Chelsea, but it hasn’t evolved to be one best suited for what it appeared she needed at that moment. I’ve never had a meaningful one-on-one discussion with her. Probably the most I ever talked to her without Mike or Kayla around was during our threesome with TJ. A totally different context!

Mike and Chelsea were left in our living room as Kayla and I retreated to our bedroom. It was about two hours before Mike came in, Chelsea in hand. He said we will watch a movie and just relax together. (We watched The One and Only Ivan. It was okay. Various sub-plots going on and worth a watch on television but I am glad we didn’t spend movie money on it. Sort of what you probably feel about reading my blog! lol). Chelsea sat on the couch between Mike and Kayla, and I was sitting in the recliner. Chelsea was gripping Mike’s hand almost like a scared child. During the movie she ended up with her head on his shoulder, and she fell asleep. It wasn’t that late. Maybe 8:30 or 8:45 p.m.

After about thirty minutes of her sleeping, Mike gently woke her and softly asked her if she would like to go to bed. She nodded and he whispered for her to get ready for bed and he would come to the room in a bit.

He went to the bedroom and didn’t return to the living room for about forty-five minutes. He asked Kayla to talk to Chelsea, so she did. It got later and later and eventually both me and Mike got ready for bed and could still hear the mumbling of Kayla and Chelsea talking.

Kayla eventually emerged and asked Mike if she could sleep with Chelsea. “As in sleep, sleep, no sex,” she clarified. She said Chelsea didn’t want to be alone. Mike agreed and oddly, he added, “And if it leads to sex, so be it. I’ll leave that up to you.”

I didn’t ask Mike to tell me what Chelsea shared. I’ve learned from my relationship with Kayla that it is best to leave it up to her to share with me what she wants. There shouldn’t be this assumption that I “deserve” or demand to know everything they discuss or do with Mike. They are free to explore and develop their relationship with him, free from my hovering around it. In this case, Mike told Chelsea he would share things with me, thus. . .

Mike told me that Chelsea indeed has a lot of “sorting out to do.” I pretty much nailed it in my assessment that she isn’t connected to what she is truly feeling or truly wants. Mike said that’s only half of it.

I don’t intend to turn my blog into the “Chelsea life story blog.” But the run down is this:

CHELSEA’S CHALLENGES
1. She’s uncertain of her sexuality
She thinks she might be gay. Bisexual for sure. Prefers women, not to say that she doesn’t love Jaime. It’s just “different, complicated, and confusing.”

2. Jaime’s fidelity
Jaime cheated on her a lot before they got married, supposedly not since. She never really reconciled it in her mind and continues to blame herself for not being enough for him during that time.

3. She fears not being enough
She loves her husband and wants him to be happy and be the one for him to be happy with. Her guilt and insecurities (my words) made her put tremendous pressure on herself and her hopes that D/s would transform their relationship for the better. She personally likes being submissive and was eager to embrace D/s. Her expectations were very high. She feels she connected with D/s and gets to be more of her true self as a submissive. This makes Jaime’s perceived rejection of it all the more painful to her.

4. She’s loves being submissive
While loving the idea of being submissive, it only has felt right to her when Mike is the one providing direction or delivering consequences. She admitted to acting up (aka “bratting”) with Jaime so that Jaime would have to take action. Instead, Jaime would often turn to Mike in frustration.

She likes submitting to Jaime, but, in her words, “he’s bad at being a Dom.” And despite all the issues, she is convinced she loves Jaime but not convinced he loves her.

5. Swinging/swap conflict
She hasn’t fully reconciled the whole swinging/swap stuff within our COT. Part of her feels it’s Jaime’s way of demonstrating she isn’t enough for him. But at the same time, she said they both found it exciting and they connected in new ways. They both were open with each other about what they did, what they felt, what they liked, what they didn’t. She cherished those conversations and it made her feel good that he enjoyed it and enjoyed her enjoying it. But she isn’t 100% convinced. Again, lots of insecurities.

6. She’s in love with Kayla
Yeah, there’s that. She admitted it.

WHAT DOES JAIME KNOW?
Mike asked her how much of this she discussed with Jaime. Virtually none!

She thinks sharing her thoughts about her sexuality would be unfair because she hasn’t figured it out herself. “What if I am wrong and he freaks out over nothing? What if he thinks it means I don’t love him or that he is inadequate in some way? What if he leaves?”

She wants a life with him, as his wife, kids, all that. My thoughts are that she’s not gay, bisexual for sure, and will hopefully come to terms with it at her own pace regarding what it means for her and her marriage.

She’s mortified to address their D/s and our COT. “What if I am right and he never wanted it or liked any of it. I feel so embarrassed for liking it myself.” My two cents is that he enjoys her submission and the COT. I think he is just as insecure as she is. That insecurity comes off as indifference. There’s just too much left unsaid between them and their individual insecurities are filling in the gaps.

She said they did have conversations about the swinging, but she never revealed her motivations behind it – motivations based on pleasing him. And while they mutually shared the genuine excitement and energy it brought to their relationship, she never told him that it also includes feelings of not being enough or being discarded. Despite her liking so many things about it, at its root it represented her failings as a wife. Those horrible feelings were conflicted with the thrill it also brought to both of them and their relationship. And her love of the eperiences with other women was conflicted with her concerns about her sexual identity.

All of this was from her eight hours with us! Things sure move fast in my kink-vortex! I’ve got a theory about why that is, but I’ll save that for some other post.

MY NEW NARRATIVE
The next day we followed through with our plans and Chelsea shadowed me much of the day, and then shadowed Kayla the next, she even saw Kayla get spanked. And I’ve now had the opportunity to talk to Chelsea one-on-one for quite awhile and I’ve adjusted my narrative about her.

She knows who she is, she’s just afraid to show it, both to herself, and to others. A fear based in her childhood that she carried forward to her marriage. Her ability to articulate what she wants is hiding behind the thinnest veneer. Once punctured, she has been very articulate, clear, and more importantly, confident.

She wants to be married to Jaime. She wants to let him lead and needs to work with him on defining what that means on his terms, not hers. She wants an open marriage, especially wants to explore her sexuality more. She understands that may be hard on Jaime as he may fear her leaving him for a woman. They’ll just have to work that out and it is no different than her fears he could leave her for another woman. “Who knows,” she said, “maybe we find a win-win and get ourselves a third!”

She likes D/s and loves the idea of submitting, to Jaime, to Mike, or to a woman. She feels the most comfortable in a submissive role, including being disciplined. She said she always felt fine being spanked as a child. Not that she enjoyed it, but that it didn’t make her feel defective and she doesn’t feel scarred by it. To her it was effective and she believes it is “appropriate for a husband to spank his wife. ”

When she said that, I was ready to denounce that concept. I don’t buy into it as being “appropriate” in the way she was using that word. She was using it as meaning “natural order of things.” Ug. That’s not my belief. I’ve ranted about that before so will spare you another rant. Suffice to say, I bit my tongue and accepted that if it was right for her, then so be it. (120. Is this submissive a feminist, and 350. Equity and Fairness)

WHAT NOW?
For now she is waiting to have her deep dive conversation with Jaime. She wants to continue talking with us, flexing her ability to articulate her feelings and better understand what it is she is feeling. And by us, I do mean us. She’s opened up to me and I think likes the attention from all three of us, especially Mike. She Facetimes every day with Jaime, and Jaime even noted her upbeat demeanor. It seems she is feeling good about the direction she is headed.

BTW, Chelsea didn’t have sex with Kayla that first night. They just cuddled and went to sleep. There’s some things that have to be sorted out there because Chelsea loves Kayla. Kayla loves her to but not in that same way, so it’s unfair to pursue the sexual activities if the feelings are unbalanced. And there is the whole thing of what role Mike plays in Chelsea’s life and her dynamic within her marriage. But all of those things flow from Chelsea first needing to establish a stronger sense of self. Once that is done, everything else should be much easier to sort out.

I’ve always stated that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, or go down a path of exploring kinks (which is related to vulnerability), the experience serves as an AMPLIFIER for what your relationship already has. If there are fears, insecurities, and confusion, they will be amplified ten-fold. If there is trust, acceptance, and confidence, that too will be amplified ten-fold.

And Domestic Discipline amplifies all of them even more.

358. CHELSEA MOVES IN

First off, to be clear, my title of my last post was a bit of creative puffery, making something appear more alarming that it is. Mike has no intentions of Chelsea becoming a “fourth” in our marriage. Three’s Company is enough for this marriage. Let’s jump right in.

When Mike told me Chelsea would move in, before he even asked me what I thought, he shared a bit of his thinking.

He said Jaime and Chelsea were having problems and Jaime felt their problems would intensify if Chelsea were left alone while he was gone. Chelsea didn’t want to be alone that long, but didn’t have any options other than go stay with her parents, and she didn’t want to do that for many reasons.

Chelsea has physically changed a lot since mid-March. She’s gained about 35-40 pounds. From about 115 to the 150 range. She looks great as honestly, I feel she was underweight at 115. She’s 5’8. I had stated 5’9 previously, but stand corrected! She is very petite. “Small boned” as they say. So even at around 115 she didn’t look as light as she weighed, if that makes sense. Point is, she’s put on a lot of weight in a short amount of time and her current weight is still well within healthy limits. The issue is that the pace of the gain may be a symptom of something else.

Jaime also said she is drinking more. They often have wine and even a mixed drink here and there, but rarely enough to be anything more than minor-buzz-inducing. More recently she has got passed out drunk on more than one occasion.

Mike had been keeping in contact with the two of them throughout Covid, via Zoom, Facetime, and calls, and texts. Chelsea had been begging Mike to allow them to come over or for Kayla or for him to visit in person, but Mike said no.

Lastly, while Jaime said it was his idea to have her stay with us, she was 100% onboard and loved the idea. As for sex, Jaime also told Mike that he was comfortable with whatever transpired and if Chelsea was comfortable having sex with anyone, he was fine with it. He just wanted Chelsea to tell him about it.

It was clear to me that Chelsea would benefit from professional counseling, but that was not going to happen. With Jaime leaving, she needed someone there to support her right away. Friends would have to do. We would have to do. Mike said we would do the same if it were Donna, Kim,or Jill. It wasn’t about our lifestyle, it was about friends helping friends.

Okay, I am in! HOWEVER. . . how did he see us helping?

Mike’s first thought was to rely on DD. Chelsea was submitting to Jaime in that way, and pre-Covid Mike performed a lot of her discipline. She was very comfortable with Mike spanking her (in my mind, she prefers it over Jaime spanking her). Mike’s thinking and what he had discussed with Jaime and Chelsea was to approach it from a D/s perspective. Set clear rules and clear consequences for breaking the rules. And as far as sex goes, he felt Chelsea should be part of whatever she wanted to be a part of.

UG!!! NO!
I completely disagreed, to say the least (but respectfully so).

I shared with Mike that I am not convinced she is really submissive. Yes, she goes through the motions, but I don’t know that it really connects to her or fulfills her. I think that is why she hasn’t responded to Jaime’s leadership/Dominance. Not only has Jaime been inconsistent, but I think Jaime senses it isn’t what Chelsea really wants. Jaime goes along with it but he too is going through the motions, not truly fulfilled by it.

Mike was horrified by that narrative. He immediately recognized the implications if that narrative were true. That the two of them sort of fell into it because of us, and weren’t aware enough about their own feelings to realize they didn’t belong.

Keep in mind I did not, and still do not, know whether my narrative is accurate. It is only a suspicion. I have not talked or observed Jaime or Chelsea nearly as much as Mike or Kayla have. So I could be wrong, but as shared with Mike, “What are the implications if I am correct?”

Mike agreed that while she would be staying with us, our goal would be to help start to find herself and to hopefully love what she finds. In a lot of ways, it’s a bit second nature to us. It’s very much the way we parented our children, and how we always supported Kayla.

Mike talked to Jaime about our new plan of action. Jaime deferred to Mike but said it best not to tell Chelsea until she was actually staying with us. Jaime was concerned she would be heartbroken and didn’t want her to be alone. Thus, Mike waited until she stayed with us before explaining how things would be.

SHE ARRIVES
The first thing we did when she moved in was to have a “group Maintenance Session.” She loved the idea of that as she is well aware of Maintenance Sessions, although she was disappointed when this session didn’t include any spankings. The purpose of this session was to calibrate expectations. The ground rules are:

  1. She would not be subject to any disciplinary actions. That is, no spankings from Mike if she misbehaved
  2. No sex with any of us. She is free to masturbate, in private or subject to any rules Jaime has for her regarding that.
  3. The three of us would NOT perform any sexual acts in her presence.
  4. We asked her to take turns shadowing me all day, then Kayla all day. Joining us on our walks, helping us with whatever chores we had, and even witness any discipline we received. Exception is when she needed to attend class (virtually), study, or do homework.
  5. We asked her to journal extensively about her thoughts and feelings regarding what she observed and about any aspect of her life. The journal was hers, with no expectation that she share it unless she wanted to.
  6. She was encouraged to ask questions about anything and everything. That was more a rule for the three of us to follow to make sure we included her and was proactive in engaging her, asking her how she felt about certain things and hopefully get her to open up.
  7. At some point we would reconvene, throw out these rules, and talk about what made sense going forward.

The point was not to mandate much of anything, but to suggest, encourage, and leave it up to her.

Her response was interesting. She didn’t want such latitude. She said she wanted to be told how it would be. She wanted to be held accountable if she didn’t behave accordingly. She became emotional and very teary eyed. She said to Mike, “Why won’t you just let me submit to you and be like Jen and Kayla?”

I was proud of Mike’s response.

“Because you are Chelsea. If you want to submit to me, then submit to being Chelsea for me. I don’t ask Kayla to be Jen, nor Jen to be Kayla, and I don’t ask you to be anyone other than yourself.”

And as if by magic, something unexpected happened. Something that could take months, if not years, or even a lifetime for some people to realize. Chelsea said the most amazing and surprising thing.

Next post!

359. DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE WILL AMP YOU UP

357. “WE THREE” ARE NOW “WE FOUR” (temporarily?)

My prior post ended with stating I feel there is nothing that can ever mount a meaningful challenge to my perceptions about the happy, healthy, confident, secure, and fulfilled life I lead. One can never be so sure until that perception passes some tests.

{Test enters}

Remember Chelsea? Here’s a recap. Her and her husband, Jaime, are part of our Circle of Trust (COT). A group of close friends with whom we have been known to swing/swap with on occasion as well as live our kinks out in the open.

More background so I don’t repeat myself:
Post 308. Chelsea Part I. Post 329. More Immersion 2019: Playing with Friends. Post 335. The Bond of Sex.

The background is relevant to this post, I promise! And here is some more background before I get to what’s behind this post. If you want to skip to the point, then scroll down to the highlighted title after this one:

MORE BACKGROUND
I liked Chelsea from the start. My initial assessment was that she lacks a filter, which I totally relate to, and speaks her mind. Her delivery is one of inquisitiveness. She is honestly curious. I described it in a prior post as “authentic.”

First impressions are funny things.

Over time I’ve found her to be, well. . . not so authentic. I think “competitive” is the better term. Competitive for her husband’s attention, competitive in submission with Kayla and Kayla’s life in general, and competitive for Mike’s affection. That competitiveness is all a veneer to deep insecurities.

I don’t sense any nefarious intent on her part. She isn’t consciously doing it to achieve some wicked result. It’s more of a protection mechanism she has developed. My arm-chair psychoanalysis of her is that she lacks maturity and a confidence.

She doesn’t really know who she is or what she wants. She copes with this by striving to emulate others she admires and she yearns for their approval. And because she doesn’t know what truly fulfills her, she isn’t always content with whatever transpires. She sees others liking something, so she does it. She doesn’t like it, and feels inadequate, guilty, or “less than,” because it didn’t give her the fulfillment it gives others.

This adds to her feeling of inadequacy and emptiness and her response is to double-down on mirroring those she admires instead of addressing her feelings and finding what truly makes her happy. Her actions and emotions or often only mirrors, and mirrors can only do three things: reflect, distort, and break.

Phew. Yeah, and I didn’t even charge her for that analysis! Seriously, I am not so arrogant to think I am 100% correct, but that narrative fits with all that I have observed, and I tend to observe people very closely.

It would be easy to blame her upbringing. If you didn’t read the links recapping her background, the short of it is she grew up in a household where corporal punishment was a family tradition and a family affair. I don’t think that is her issue. I think a lot of pressure was put on her as the oldest daughter – be the “perfect daughter” and check all the boxes for her parent’s notion of what it means to be a girl – a notion rooted in a highly patriarchal mind set.

On the outside she seems to have it together. She is very driven to finish college. She left home at 18 to get married and spent several years working hard to be in a position to go to college. She is about half way through getting her degree and gets excellent grades. For her, I believe her drive and self-discipline in certain aspects of her life serve as an emotional cover, as does alcohol to a certain extent.

Her husband is four years older than her. 24 to 28 isn’t much of an age difference, but consider they first started dating when she was just 16 and got married a month after she graduated high school. And where Chelsea puts off an air of confidence (and it is just an air), he puts on no airs. He is fairly shy, reserved, and his lack of self confidence is apparent.

She can easily pass for 18, with some effort, even younger.   5’9 115, very small frame. Light freckles, high cheekbones..baby-face.   Visually she is in stark contrast to her burly husband who is probably about 220-225, 6 feet tall. And he looks older than he is. I think if they looked more alike it wouldn’t be uncommon for people to mistake her for his daughter.  

AND YOUR POINT, JEN?
Chelsea moved in with us two days ago.

Jaime is a plumber with his own business. Covid put a dent in his business. On one hand, more people home trying to cook meant more clogged drains and other plumbing issues. On the other hand, people were more apt to DYI and not have someone come into their home. He takes the appropriate Covid-precautions when going into people’s homes.

In addition to individual clients, he occasionally picks up work supporting construction – hotels, offices, stuff like that. He had been trying hard to pick up as many of these jobs as possible, wherever he can find them.

He got a job opportunity that’s about a 7-hour drive (still in Texas – Texas is a big state!). Initially it was only going to be a few weeks but he got lucky and the contractor had another job in that same city that needed plumbers. He decided to stay there for the duration of both projects and there is a possibility for him to pick up a third project. For now, the plan is he will be gone for about two months.

I’ve shared how Mike plays a part in Jaime and Chelsea’s dynamic. (Post 337. Outsourcing Domestic Discipline). Mike is like their DD coach, a kinky-sensei, a mentor, as they explore a more D/s dynamic in their marriage. Mike knows the two of them much better than I do. Same with Kayla since she is friends with Chelsea. I’d even call them best friends.

Apparently it was Jaime’s idea and he asked Mike if Chelsea could stay with us. Mike agreed if Chelsea seriously self-quarantined for two weeks after Jaime left. She did, and on Wednesday (day before yesterday), she moved in.

“Moved in” is an overstatement. But “visit” doesn’t quite cut it either. Jaime isn’t expected back until October 16.

DID I AGREE?
Chelsea moved in with us two days ago. Mike didn’t ask me. He told me, but he did ask me what I thought.

It’s easy to misread “what do you think” as just lip service since he already made the decision. It’s not like that. When Mike asks me what I think, he expects a full a complete answer. I am not to hide my feelings, ever. The only condition is I express them respectfully.

It would be very easy to paint a narrative that Mike didn’t respect me enough to talk about it before he made a decision. Our relationship is not like that. I don’t expect that from him. Quite the opposite. I respect that he can make any decision with or without my input. While I like it when he asks me, I value and trust his intentions and abilities to determine what is good for our household.

My default narrative is to think of all the positives he sees in a decision he has made. Why would anyone think otherwise about their spouse? Well, we know why (I’ve been there), but that’s the pre-DD Jenny.

That doesn’t mean I don’t get to ask him questions or express my concerns. I can, and I do, but I don’t do it in a defensive way. My goal is not to “destroy” his reasoning and impose my will. My goal is to synchronize our collective reasoning and understanding. Ultimately, if that is not successful, then I fall back on my choice to submit and “let go, let Mike.”

A pre-DD thing for me to do would be to defensive, even angry, and “demand” an explanation. Instead, I knew Mike believed there was something positive to come from this. DD has taught me to listen and accept my husband’s loving intentions. I’ve learned to “think like Mike” before making my own assumptions about things.

And how does Mike think? He’s a “risk first” thinker, as opposed to a “benefits first” thinker. Me? I often think of the benefits and that’s good enough for me – full speed ahead! Mike? He assesses risk, then the benefits. I guess that’s why he’s good at business. He always says every business at it’s core is simply about assessing risk.

With my “Mike thinking cap” on, I was eager to learn what he identified as the risks, how he felt they could be mitigated, and why he felt the benefits outweigh those risks. No defensiveness. No animosity. No ill feelings. I just wanted to understand what he considered in making his decision and I knew from experience that he would be willing to share as well as be willing to address my concerns.

To be honest, my initial thought made me think of what Mike often tells me when we discuss what details I can share online. “What’s the upside?” So, Mike, what’s the upside?

And that will have to be for my next post!

NEXT: 358. CHELSEA MOVES IN

356. THOSE WHO I HAVE INVITED INTO MY LIFE

It’s been awhile since I reflected on my submission. My submission has been on auto-pilot for at least a year, if not longer. Effortless. Routine. A reflex that is a part of me and my every day life. I believe that has contributed to my posting malaise.

At first, I wasn’t going to bother to blog about what I shared in Post 354. So much so that I had made a post (Post 353) that occurred after that first incident and I made no mention of the punishment. I was that bla​sé about it. It wasn’t until the second incident chronicled in my prior post that I felt like sharing any of it.

I was at a point where I was overly self-conscious about my DD. I stated this before. It was like I needed to isolate it and protect it by not sharing something that I know some people find abhorrent. Funny thing is I didn’t feel that way about any other aspect of my lifestyle. The free-wheeling sex and stuff, no problem! But my husband spanking my hiney… well, that’s just too much!

Then I published #353. I felt a rush. A sensation I hadn’t felt from blogging in a long time. And I realized it really excites me to share those stories. I immediately recognized that feeling as a feeling I get anytime I feel exposed. AND I LOVE THAT FEELING.

It very much relates to my exhibitionist thrill. I’ve shared this thrill in several posts, but simply, I love the uncomfortable feeling of putting something out there for people to see and judge. It goes back to… well, come on now, if you are a long time reader you know what I am going to say. No ramble from Jen is complete without it. . . It goes back to vulnerability!

I love feeling vulnerable. Of the many posts on that topic, I like my first one the best. Short and to the point, unlike most of my posts). Sharing what I view as the most-generally-understood-to–be-socially- unacceptable aspects of my life is very vulnerable inducing! Thus as soon as I hit “Publish” I got this hit of dopamine or whatever “feel good” endorphins the body creates. Me like!

And it has lit a flame in my belly that I haven’t felt in some time regarding blogging. I don’t know how long it will last, but it’s time to open the kimono more frequently and share what’s going on in my life. Even if no one reads it, just putting it out there feels exhilarating again.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SPANKING?
I don’t have any issues with how I was disciplined. I felt it was 100% deserved and appropriate. I anticipated worse, physically speaking. Emotionally? Well, maybe I got more than I expected, but I still believe Mike was spot on.

It is easy to question whether the discipline is effective. After all, it recurred in a matter of weeks and there have been multiple recurrences in the past. Since when is discipline ever a one-time cure-all? It isn’t, even in DD.

Having consequences for my actions, consequences that my husband has to deliver, is at the core of my submission and at the core of what has made me be the wife, mother, lover, friend, daughter, sister, and person I want to be. And while I hate to make such a bold prediction, I am highly confident that this particular issue will not recur. It’s in the vault!

IS SPANKING OVERRATED?
One area of reflection regarding this last incident is whether spanking is as effective as it once was, or if the non-spanking discipline is more effective? Difficult for me to judge. I think it varies which is why varying or mixing the type of discipline I receive works best for me. However, I leave that up to Mike as that is his responsibility. We still have regularly weekly Maintenance to stay calibrated, but it is ultimately his role to determine what is best – and over five years of doing this I don’t take exception to ANYTHING he has ever prescribed.

MY JOURNEY
Another area to reflect on is simply my journey. I love having this blog to go back to and I re-read my first dozen or so posts every so often. They still ring as true for me today as they did then. And for those newer readers of my blog who seemed a bit surprised that I am subject to the kind of discipline I shared in the last two posts — I encourage you to read those posts as well. I think they answer a lot of questions as to “Why?” My shortcuts can quickly get you to Post #1

FINAL THOUGHTS
This gets a bit esoteric, but I am keenly aware that full awareness is never possible (or maybe it is, but you’ll never be aware of it, thus the psychological conundrum regarding “awareness”) .

Point is, my perceptions about my own life and about my DD may never fully reflect “reality.” Sensations, thoughts, memories, images, desires, and emotions are constantly changing and superseding each other. Therefore, in times of self reflection I try to not just think through how it is I interpret my life and actions. It’s important for me also do a different type of self reflection. . . seeing myself through others.

It is through seeing myself through others that I believe I get a more accurate assessment of my life. By the way, others do not include faceless online trolls or even friendly blog followers. Those are all curious “outside” references, but should never define us. No, “others” are simply the people I have invited into my life. Mike and Kayla of course, but also my kids, extended family that I frequently interact with, our Circle of Trust, and friends. This even includes some online friendships.

I like that phrase…”those who I have invited into my life.” Much better than “family and friends.” It is the best way to think about the people you surround yourself with. It reminds you that YOU invite them into your life. Just as you may push others away (hopefully the toxic ones), you invite these people to stay (hopefully the health ones). THEY often can define you better than you can define yourself.

Based on their perspectives, I am as happy, healthy, confident, secure, and fulfilled as I perceive myself to be! It feels to me that there is nothing in existence that can EVER mount a meaningful challenge to that perception.

Until. . .

P.S. Hey English police, is it “those who I have invited into my life” or “those whom I have invited into my life?” I think I got it right re “who” versus “whom” but I could be wrong. Feel free to school me!

355. A MATTER OF (SPANKING) BUSINESS

For the first time in a while I feel like I have a lot to “unpack.” That normally means an exhaustive boring esoteric ramble from yours truly. But I’ll save that for another post, as I’ve got business to attend to! As in spanking business, and cousin, business is a-boomin’.

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN Two posts ago (353. On this date, March 153, 2020), I referred to some people in our life by their actual names.  Specifically members of the Nudies. (Post 233, among others).

It dawned on me within minutes of posting it and I immediately edited it. I was compelled to self-report it to Mike. I have never felt so defeated in something I have self-reported. I had just finished coming off restriction from the prior incident, and now this! And to be honest, there was a moment I thought it best to not report it. I have never knowingly failed to self-report a transgression to Mike. Not only does it make me feel guilty and eat at me, but my submissive mind likes the idea of telling on myself. Damn that submissive mind-set!

Seriously though, I knew I had to tell him, so I did.

When I told him, he said something that still rings in my head. He said, “I can’t spank my trust into you.” He lectured me for some time, but those words kept repeating over and over in my head. They hurt as much as a spanking.

He went on to say that disciplining me further felt empty to him. He felt only time would help. My thought was “No!” That’s what has been so great over the last 5 years living this dynamic. Ill feelings never linger. They are addressed, forgiven, and put behind us. “Give me my punishment. Give me absolution! Let me know ‘All is forgiven.’ I beg you.”

I didn’t actually say those words, but that summed up my feelings.

In his lecture he acknowledged he was happy that I reported this to him, and gave me some credit in that I only used first names. “Excuses are easy.,” he added, “We have rules for a reason and clearly the rules on privacy are not top of mind with you. What were you thinking?”

He doesn’t often ask me what I was thinking. Usually there is no need.

“Your honor, in my defense, not to make excuses, but, it had been so long since I mentioned them in my blog. I had grown too accustomed to using their names with a few email friends, that it was muscle memory and not intentional.”

Okay, I didn’t quite say it that way, but I did say something about muscle memory. I was in tears at this point as I kept replaying the “I can’t spank my trust into you,” over and over in my head. I also knew that a repeated transgression of ANY kind, was bad enough, let along this particular issue.

Thoughts of what he had in store for me were also top of mind. Not from a physical pain stand point. I never “fear” discipline in that way. My fear was one of wondering how long Mike would feel disappointed in me. It was two weeks last time before we got to “All is forgiven.” I hate the cloud of any transgression hanging over me and over us for such long periods. THAT is what I feared.

My response evoked a lecture on why exceptions are never good and a slippery slope. His lecture was far more animated than most. His strongly raised voiced contrasted with his typical lecture style of stern, but controlled. His reaction was telling me this was not just me failing to behave as I wish, but clearly failing to behave as he demands.

MY PUNISHMENT BEGINS
When he completed the lecture, I was sent to our room to wait with instructions to put on a ball gag. After entering the bedroom and affixing the gag, I took the appropriate stance in the corner and awaiting his arrival.

I was crying a lot and once the drooling from gag kicked it, it only added to my feeling of defeat. I don’t know how long it was until Mike came into the room, but it seemed like forever.

When he arrived I was no longer sobbing. He began lecturing me some more in even a greater raised voice than before. He would occasionally smack my butt with his hands. At some point he had me turn and kneel in front of him, head up, eyes fixed on his as he continued to speak. He slapped me, once on each cheek.

As some context, slapping is something I asked to incorporate in punishments some time ago… maybe a year or two ago? He rarely does it. I don’t know what it is about the face. Spank or slap my ass, thighs, breasts, palms, soles of feet, are one thing. But the face, it’s a whole other experience. It wasn’t real hard, but harder than he has ever done before. And was started crying again.

He again asked me what I had to say for myself. Something he rarely asks once, let along twice. But this question was not about what was I thinking when I did what I did, but about expressing my remorse. Which I did so, between the sobs.

CANING/PADDLING
He walked me next to our bed and had me bend over with my forearms resting on the bed. He picked out a spanking implement and told me that what he was giving me now would be repeated every hour until that same time the next day. It was now some time after 4:00 p.m.

We refer to this type of discipline as “TOH,” or Top of the Hour spankings. The anticipation of knowing what is to come adds to the overall emotional impact of the spankings.

After the first strike I knew which implement he selected. The cane. He struck me six or seven times with it. After just the first one or two I was squirming and crying harder with each one.

He then told me to fetch a paddle. Being paddled on top of a caning is very painful and ensured that it would sting for some time. And knowing this was going to be repeated every hour was ever present in my mind.

“Ten and I need to hear you count them off,” he said.

The first five stung but were of moderate force. He then told me the last five would be intended to “stay with you for awhile.” They were much, much harder.

I was a mess, inside and out. Slobbering all over from the gag, runny nose, watery eyes, and now, a striped and red ass. Inside I continued to feel defeated, defeated by my own behaviors that got me there, not by Mike’s actions.

ENEMA
After the spanking he ordered me to the corner. He went to our supplies and I could hear the water running in the bathroom. He returned with the enema kit. He filled me with warm, soapy water, set my phone alarm for 15 minutes, and told me I could expel it in the toilet once it went off. I could not leave the corner no matter what, and if I couldn’t hold it, then I would just have to release right there and clean up afterwards. He then gave me a couple of swats on my very hot and sensitive ass and he left the room.

GINGER
I made it through the allotted time and just as I was returning to the corner, Mike returned. He was holding a freshly carved ginger root. He proceeded to insert it and again set my phone for 15 minutes. He sat on the bed and watched me the entire time. When I would squirm or begin hopping up and down from the stinging that was now inside my ass, he would tell me to stand still else the spanking would start over.

AND MORE
When time was up, he pulled the ginger out and spanked me with his hand as I stood in the corner. It was a lot of hand spankings, way too many to count. Not super hard, but they covered every part of my already tender backside. He then inserted a butt plug. The lube helped a bit with burning that was still going on from the ginger, but not much. A butt plug by itself isn’t a punishment, but in the right context, like this one, it adds to the humility.

He told me to get on the bed and lay down on my stomach. He placed the paddle on my bottom and left the room. “I’ll be back at the top of the hour.”

LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT
More like, spank/rinse/repeat… It was already close to the top of the hour and it seemed like only a few minutes and he was back. He had me resume the previous position, bent over the bed, and he spanked me with the paddle, having me count off all 10. At least there was no caning, but every single whack stung like hell. I was crying again.

After the spanking he gave me another enema and 15 minutes of corner time. When that was over and I expelled the enema, he again plugged me and said we would reconvene at the top of the hour. He held me for some time, and I held on to him. He gave me some encouraging words, and after a few minutes, that was that. We resumed normal activities of the evening .

At the top of each hour I would remind him I would be waiting in the bedroom. Each time I was spanked 10 times with the paddle and then spent 15 minutes in the corner – but no enema! Silver lining?! Sometimes he would lecture me, sometimes a word was never uttered. Very mechanical, like clock work. Every waking hour, on the hour.

SEPARATION/ISOLATION
I had to sleep in the guest bedroom and would be spanked just before going to bed. And my bedtime was early, 9:45 p.m. and lights out! The extra sleep is a blessing, but the isolation is a curse.

Also, I was back on orgasm restriction and total abstinence from sex to boot. At first it was not that big of deal because I wasn’t in a very sexual mindset. But eventually my normally high sex drive started to kick in and it was yet one more layer to this punishment. It impacts me both physically and emotionally, especially when seeing or hearing Mike and Kayla having sex. But I got through it, no touching!

The next day the TOH spankings and corner time continued until 4 p.m. On the last one, he again administered an enema, like he did the first two spankings. After wards, we talked. As in a conversation. No lecture, no tears.

I expressed my commitment to be overly vigilant about what I post or share with online friends. I was all set for “All is forgiven” but Mike said he was not ready for that. He said the only punishment from that point on would be restriction from my online activities. No phone, no email, nothing. He said he needed time and when he truly felt “over it” then, and only then, could we fully move on.

He again repeated that he can’t spank his trust into me. My disciplining up to that point wasn’t about him or that trust. It was about me and my transgression, no different than any other spanking or discipline I’ve earned. But for him to lift the restriction, it would have to be about him and his willingness to trust me.

As as evidenced by this post, he did get to that point. I hope I don’t ever violate that trust again. Blabber-mouth Jen is now my sworn enemy!!

But. . . that just applies to personally identifiable information. Unfortunately for you, it doesn’t apply to my endless babbling and meaningless drivel about my reflections on all of this. I will eagerly submit you to those ramblings on my next post! Complete with an epiphany of sorts that has actually refueled my desire to blog.

NEXT: 356. THOSE WHO I HAVE INVITED INTO MY LIFE

354. a spanking STORY ?!

NO BUT STUFF
Hello there. I will save you all the, “but stuff.” As in, “Sorry I haven’t posted in such a long time, but. . .” So let’s get right into it.

CONFESSION
I must confess that when I wrote my last post I omitted something – an “extended” punishment I received that ran from June 30 to July 14. I didn’t plan on sharing this, but given that it ended up having a Part II, and more importantly, a need for a classic Jen-needs-to-reflect-and-write-about-her-reflections, I decided I must come clean and share.

Hey, it was time I threw you pervs a bone anyway. I am sure you are tired of reading mundane boring stuff about blabbity-blab-blab. We all know Angela certainly was (see the comments on my last post). To her credit, It’s been a long time since I shared details on some salacious discipline. So I am going to give you the first of back-to-back posts on some disciplining I received. Maybe Angela will return to reading my blog? LOL!

THE TRANSGRESSION
I made a stupid and careless mistake in responding to an email I received from a follower of this blog. I’ve shared before that I have strict rules from Mike as to what I can and can not share. In part because Mike is uber-concerned about online privacy and second, he has a wife who is a chronic over sharer!

It’s a miracle Mike allowed me to blog in the first place, but clearly, not only did he do so, but over time he has become more comfortable with our lifestyle such that his concerns about our privacy has diminished – slightly! “Plausible deniability,” as Mike calls it. Most of the names of our COT are the correct first names, but some have been altered. And I stick to initials when it comes to kids names, even those that are legally adults. Mike has allowed a few exceptions for a few select people I communicate with via email. The problem with exception, as I’ve learned, is that I have to stay aware of who I am communicating with. Is this someone I am approved to share such-and-such with?

I’ve made mistakes before. I am pretty sure somewhere in the bowels of my blog there is a post about being disciplined over a “data breach.” It’s been a very long time, but, it happened again. I included some personal information in an email to the wrong person. I had been emailing them for a while and in my mind they were on my “approved” list to share what it was I happened to share. One thing I learned is that I truly need to keep a written “approved list” else this may happen again.

It was an honest mistake, so much that I didn’t even realize I did it until Mike read my email. Thus he was disappointed on many levels. This is a topic he is very sensitive to and that we have discussed many times and for which I’ve been disciplined for violating in the past. Additionally, he had to find it. He doesn’t check my email and online activity often, as he prefers not to spend time doing so. Thus he feels like his trust in me was misplaced. Yeah, all around not a good thing.

INITIAL SPANKING
It was varied and lengthy. It started with a hard spanking by hand.  Each individual hand spanking doesn’t pack the wallop of say a paddle, but they have their own unique cumulative effect.  And each stroke can have a more pinpoint accuracy, such that when done, every inch of my backside is red, and red it was. I would guess 200 or so spankings, maybe more? He then gave me a very long corner time of almost an hour. 

MOUTH SOAPING
At the end of corner time he took me into the bathroom and gave me a mouth soaping in front of the mirror. Soap in mouth, he had me lean over on the sink as he spanked me with a hairbrush. He kept reminding me to keep my head up and look in the mirror as he spanked me. It’s always more humbling for me when I have to look at myself while being spanked, and my butt was already very sensitive from the extreme hand spanking. And yes, the rinsing of the mouth include more than just water.  

PLUGGED / LINE WRITING
He then put an anal plug in me and had me sit and write 50 lines of  “It is Jennifer’s expressed and unqualified intent to be accountable to Michael for any and all of her behaviors.”   That’s a line from our contract.   He then had me write the definition of “reverence” 15 times, as shown here.   I had to do this every day for almost two weeks! I’ve never written so much by hand in my life!

And as part of my line-writing discipline, I was spanked via paddle for any mistakes or sloppy lines in my writing. Now, an anal plug by itself is not so much a punishment, but considering I had to sit with it in for as long as it takes to perfectly write the lines. It is a best distracting, at worst, uncomfortable after thirty minutes or so. Add in my very sore and sensitive bottom from all the spanking, and concerns that every writing mistake meant more spankings. I probably ended up with about 60 or 70 more with his belt.

Unlike most punishments that end with an “All is forgiven,” and that is that, this one was going to be what we refer to as an “extended punishment.” It would go on for as long as Mike determined. I wouldn’t be repeatedly spanked. That part of basically over. But I was still under various restrictions until he decided to lift them.

NO-O
I was just coming to the end of Ju-NO and looking forward to being allowed to orgasm on July 2.. Mike told me in June that I could look forward to “free reign” over my orgasms for some period of time once they were to resume on July 2. Well, as luck would have it, this transgression threw a wrench in that bliss!

Initially, Mike did not alter the O-plan and he indeed allowed me to orgasm on July 2. Despite my transgression, he initially said I would keep my “free reign” for the time being. Well, after two days he decided otherwise (which was four orgasms – it would have been more, but the punishment didn’t have me fully in the mood). I was back on “no-O.” While I had to edge many times a day at his command, he added in another level of discipline as punishment for my transgression. He never touched me or had sex with me, nor did Kayla – AND – I had to sleep in the spare room.  A banishment of sorts. Isolation is torture!  I would cry myself to sleep at night — and my bedtime was early meaning Mike and Kayla would stay up without me. 

AND THERE WAS MORE
He put me on a two week restriction from the internet, including my phone.  He kept my phone and if someone called, such as my sister, he would often let it go to voicemail and then let me call her back when he was off work and he would stand next to me.  At the end of each call he would spank me again saying my behavior caused him to have to babysit me and I needed to be spanked for causing him that inconvenience. 

AND THE HARDEST PART
The hardest part was being on a “talking restriction” in that I could not speak unless spoken to by him or by Kayla.  If I did, I would be spanked.  And it happened a lot to the point that Mike decided I needed to keep something in my mouth.  There were many hours in the day where I either a ball gag or pacifier in my mouth, or even tape over my mouth. (We have a lot of pacifiers re Kayla’s ddlg). He even had me keep my thumb in my mouth at times.  

Finally, it was over.  And all was forgiven.  This punishment took a lot out of me – but it also put a lot into me.  What it took out was temporary, and what it put in was, hopefully, permanent.  I was more resolved and focused on following all my rules, especially my email/online rules. A commitment that I upheld for a total of about two weeks, and then… oops! Damn it.

And THAT will be for my next post.

NEXT: 355. A Matter of (Spanking) Business

353. On this date, March 153, 2020

So yes, I am alive. I really want to blog, but while it is mostly because I am lacking inspiration, I’ve come to understand that I am also lacking confidence. I’ve discovered that all bloggers, or anyone who creates a presence online, whether YouTube, Twitter, or whatever, need to have a level of confidence to continue that presence. A confidence that what they say matters, even if only to themselves.

For years my motivation for blogging was driven by knowing what I had to write mattered to me. I needed to get my thoughts out, think through experiences in more detail, and reconcile my new found lifestyle with who I once was. I’ve done that. Simply, I am at peace with my lifestyle. It’s really more than that. I am ecstatic with my life, but I am no longer intrigued by my inner workings and desires, nor amused by certain things. I don’t want to make it sound like I am bored – I am not. It’s just that my daily life seems routine to me.

For instance. My day today? This entire week was “deep clean” week. I moved all the furniture in each room, cleaned the floors, wiped all the baseboards, and even did paint touch ups of the nicks and scratches. I wasn’t even spanked once!

Yes, I am just a typical suburban submissive wife in a plural/poly open/swinging marriage that dabbles in BDSM and shuns wearing clothes unless absolutely necessary. What’s interesting about that?

And this terrible new editor in WordPress makes posting a chore!

I reviewed my FIVE half-written posts and figured I could at least put together something of interest. My mind just can’t seem to concentrate long enough to complete a full post. I go back and look at my drafts and find them uninspiring, unflattering, or disconnected ramblings. Hey, who said that? Was that you? I definitely heard someone say, “Well, Jen, that about sums up all your posts!”

Sigh.

CIRCLE OF TRUST HIATUS
Here’s an update on our swinging within our Circle of Trust. Swingset has been closed, thanks to Covid. We haven’t been together with our friends since our blow-out Swing-fest just prior to Covid. That was almost three months ago, but it feels like three years.

CALENDAR “MARCHES” ON
I heard someone say that today isn’t July 31. It is March 153. That’s about right. Well, since March 1, all three of my kids had birthdays. They are now 31, 24, and 20. It shocks me that J is 20! Wow!

Mike and I celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary! Albeit with a moonlight walk around the park and nearby lake, and maybe a little “funny business” in the woods. (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).

Mike just celebrated his 52 birthday, and my 51st is coming up. I don’t feel like I am in my 50’s. I still feel like, maybe 38? Whatever that means. Although, my lady-part problems are screaming, “Hey bitch, you are 51 and then some.” Yeah, I’ve had a return of my prior issues and a hysterectomy is in my future. I am fine with that, it’s just a bad time to schedule it re Covid and all. I am putting it off, maybe early next year if the discomfort doesn’t get too great.

Both Mike and Kayla’s jobs are secure for now, despite Covid. Both their companies had furloughs but they were not impacted. Kayla’s position is a bit tenuous and depending on how things go she might end up out of a job at some point. Mike’s position seems pretty solid. They both continue to work from home.

In some ways it been nice for the three of us to fully focus on just us. J has spent most of this pandemic at T1’s and E’s farm. Early on we visited a few times, and he came home for two weeks or so at one point. But he’s been “country-fied” and was dying to get back to the farm. He’s probably safer there if he keeps to T1 and E, but it’s L and the neighbors that worry me (aka, “The Nudies”).

With three kids and two adults, which include two young adults who can’t seem to stay away from their girlfriends, I am concerned about safety. J’s compromised immune system would likely struggle with Covid. We’ve put measures in place and it seems like everyone is adhering to them. So far, so good, but that’s of little solace knowing what the stakes are if someone gets careless. It worries me and I check in a lot, especially with Mrs. Nudie to make sure her and her family are acting responsibly.

Oh, and as I posted about previously, since March 1, we also celebrated our five years since adopting Domestic Discipline. Oh – and my blog turned 4 years old! So forget the hellscape that is America as we hurl towards civil war to fight a fascist take-over attempt in November, it’s all about ME and my milestones.

Yeah. I think my lack of enthusiasm for posting has something to do with that. I digress.

DISCIPLINE
Yes, I am still subject to Mike’s authority and discipline. I wouldn’t want it any other way. A spanking here, a spanking there. All in accordance with our Contract, which by default means, by my wishes. There have been a few “just because I need one” requests that I have made. I’ve found a good paddling is a tremendous release and distraction from world events. For me, reminding myself that my fulfillment comes from focusing on Mike and focusing on the things that make me happy (which is a redundant statement), helps reduce the stress and anxiety of living with a fascist leader of the country whose daily decisions kill people and put my own family at risk. Yeah, a spanking can actually make those thoughts melt away. At least for awhile.

I’ve share our Orgasm Control experiment in my last post. I made it through all of June without an orgasm. In fact, it wasn’t until July 2, that I came! Let’s just say fireworks came a little early, and cum they did! Mike then gave me “free reign” over my orgasms for almost two weeks, before restricting them again. Since then, I’ve been allowed here and there. I guess I could be posting more about it because that IS something that still amuses me and I am trying to fully understand my reaction.

I don’t want to repeat my prior post about it. Suffice to say that it still has had a very interesting and surprising impact on me. I think in a good way, but definitely in “a” way. Still sorting through that one. Strange indeed. Who knew?

Well, there you have it. That’s what’s been going on with me lately!

NEXT: 354. A SPANKING STORY

352. JUNO: The Big “no”

We celebrated five years of Domestic Discipline on March 17. It was March 17, 2015 that we signed our first DD contract. It was very simple and good for 30 days. After a successful and interesting first 30 days, we felt more confident in what we both wanted and decided on a new contract, this time for six months. At that end of that six months we were feeling like professionals and committed to two years of DD. I shared that first two-year contract here.

When that contract ended we did one with a 17 month term as we were feeling sentimental about March 17. We wanted all future renewals to be on our DD anniversary. Aren’t kinky couples sweet?!?!

And our current contract runs from March 2019 to March 2021. I can’t believe it is less than a year away!

I mention this because I feel our contract is a significant reason why we have been successful in our DD. I define success by the level of fulfillment, joy, and harmony it has brought to us – individually and as a couple. It’s brought an abundance of all three!

STEADY AND STABLE
Some time ago we reach a period of stability in our dynamic, where there are not many dramatic new facets to what it means for me to submit to my husband. Our March 2019 contract was not that different from the October 2017 version. We both found a level of DD that felt right for both us, and it is all now a reflex, a routine, a part of us, without much thought or effort.

There was one recent development I think I mentioned but did not go into detail, and that is the addition of Orgasm Control.

ORGASM CONTROL — The big “nO”
It started about mid-December. Mike asked me one day what I thought about it. None of our friends within our Circle of Trust have it in their TTWD. While we had both read about it in other blogs, we never gave any consideration to incorporating it in our dynamic. So when he asked me, I honestly hadn’t thought about it as something we could do, or should do.

My views on it were that is sounded silly to me, a silly game that I didn’t connect to in a submissive sort of way. I have a lot of sex, and masturbate a lot, pretty much a daily cummer (and multiple ones at that)!! Why would I give that up? Why would I put Mike in control of when I could orgasm and when I could not?

And the way the concept of edging is portrayed also seemed ridiculous to me. It’s often portrayed as a way to get a woman to a state of feeling constantly needy, ready to go on any sexually adventur at a moments notice, their brain feeling warm and fuzzy at all times, yearning for sexual release. It is often portrayed as a way for a woman to demonstrate sexual selflessness, keeping them focused on the sexual pleasure of others. Further, for some that focus is not just prioritized over their own pleasure, but at the total exclusion of their own pleasure. It’s a mindset that orgasm is simply better when someone else decides when you can have it and it is never your own personal goal without permission. It’s just one more part of your obedience and submission. And finally. . . for some, it’s a mindset that good girls don’t cum unless told they can do so.

Why would I, a sex charged daily cummer, ever want that?

But I did!

It was one of those things that attracted me simply because it didn’t attract me. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but as I stated, my submission has been on a pretty even keel for a long time. The thought of doing something new, especially something that didn’t sound inviting, was the perfect thing to tickle my submissive spot. So I informed Mike I was in, if that is what he wanted.

Mike said he asked me because he was curious, but given my enthusiasm for wanting to give it a go, he made the decision that yes, we would incorporate that into TTWD. And Kayla was included in this edict.

Six months into it and all I can saw is WOW!!!!!

A&EABSTINENCE AND EDGING
Along with giving Mike full control over when I am allowed to orgasm, he also instituted Abstinence and Edging (A&E). Thus there have been extended periods of no sexual activity, or very limited sexual activity, peppered in with times of being highly aroused but not allowed to go over the edge to orgam, aka, “edging.”

I never understood the concept . . . UNTIL NOW! A&E coupled with the fact that I was submitting my O to him totally put me in an altered mental state, sexually speaking. I am hornier than ever and much more easily aroused and excitable. I sometimes crave sex in a way I never did before and I feel the cravings.

There is an ache in my hinterlands at times. Not a painful type ache. It’s hard to describe. I’d say a “burning” but that evokes feelings of a UTI, and it’s definitely not that. Just this aching to be touched, like my vagina is actually calling out to me, “touch me, touch me!” It’s a little painful, a bit distracting, but overall, very erotic and pleasurable, if that makes any sense.

So apparently, the way edging and orgasm control is portrayed is HIGHLY ACCURATE!

JUNO
Who knew there was an entire month dedicated to orgasm control? It was news to me. June is Juno! As in, no orgasm~



NIPPLEGASM

While I have always been fairly quick to orgasm, I almost always require clitoral stimulation to get there. Sometimes penetration will suffice if preceding by plenty of clitoral stimulation. Well, thanks to A&E I had my first orgasm from nothing more than nipple stimulation. And it was prolonged and intense!

Speaking of having to stop before completing the deed… or in this case, completing the post….

STUPID WORDPRESS

I would love to share the details of my nipplegasm, but this stupid new WordPress editor is getting me so frustrated that I am done writing for today. With the advances in technology you’d think any service would easily be able to enhance the user experience, not make it more difficult and less intuitive. Very frustrating. Thinking of quitting WordPress and moving to another platform.

NEXT: 353. On this date, March 153, 2020

351. Our FREE (Three ) time THANKS TO Covid

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I suspect everyone has learned and experienced something new since the arrival of COVID.   Like a lot of you, we have had to spend an extended amount of time together, and for us, that means a lot of “thruple” time, with little to no engaging with others.

Early on in the “lockdown” we were still going to my son’s farm a few times a week.  They are isolated and we felt safe interacting with them, plus I felt it was important to stay connected with J, my youngest,  who is basically living full time on the farm with T and his wife.

As time went on it became clear it wasn’t necessary for J to see us.  Yes, it was a bit of a hit to the mom-ego, but it is mixed emotions of pride in seeing my baby bird fly and sadness that such flight means distance from me.  Plus, the risks of interacting outweighed the benefits.  COVID is additionally concerning to us because of J’s underlying health issues.  Even a run-of-the-mill respiratory issue could send him to the hospital. So, as of about a month ago,we stopped going to the farm.

FOCUS ON US THREE!
And, of course, we haven’t been engaging with our friends or family, including our “Circle of Trust.”   We took (and continue to take) this Covid stuff seriously.   The result is a lot of extended and uninterrupted time for the three of us to focus on, well, . . . on the three of us!

It has been nice to go two months without any kinky-fuckery outside our marriage  (yes, I use the term marriage to include Kayla, legally recognized or not!).    All three of us are in agreement that our sexual activities with our friends, while extremely fun and fulfilling, were becoming a substitute for the three of us spending time together and connecting.   We’ve come to appreciate focusing more on just each other, sexually and non-sexually.

DATE NIGHTS
We still plan to “play” with our COT in the future, but we plan to not lose sight of the need for the three of us to focus on us.   We have long had designated “date nights.”  One night a week where Mike and Kayla go out, one night for me and Mike, and every other week a night for me and Kayla.   But the three of us going out together wasn’t a scheduled thing, and was becoming rare.  We plan to change that.  While there will still be one-on-one date nights, we will make sure there are regular one-on-one-on-one date nights as well!

Date nights have continued throughout COVID, but instead of attending events, dinner, movie, club, or whatever, the dates have been a drive and walk around the park (sometimes more than just a “walk” in the park wink-wink, nudge nudge).

We discovered that we all love these walks (with or without impromptu sexual acts).  It has been rewarding to simply walk hand in hand and do this strange thing called “talking.”   Sure, we’d talk over dinner in the past, but it isn’t the same type of intimate, reflective, and uninterrupted conversations you can have during a stroll in the park.  While we have a lot of meaningful conversations twice a week during Maintenance, the vibe is different.   Maintenance is more of a dutiful and structured thing.  Still extremely important, but not the same as the dialogue we have outside of Maintenance.

US VERSUS THE WORLD
I guess what I am trying to share is that we’ve been able to connect in a different way, a more meaningful way, over the last two months.   It isn’t like we were feeling disconnected pre-Covid.  We simply didn’t know what we were missing.

We feel even more connected, sort of an “us versus the world” mindset.   Not in an adversarial way, but a sense of a purposeful existence.    It’s as if the three of us feel like our purpose for existing is to complete each other, to be a part of each other, to be one “thing” composed of three people.   The rest of the world does nothing to add to this one “thing”  thus it is as if the rest of the world does not exist.  Maybe “us without the world” would be a better term than “versus” the world?   This mindset makes what we have felt all the more special, warm, loving, safe, secure, and meaningful.

The three of us talk about this feeling as we all sense it and connect to it.  HOWEVER — funny thing is, we also agree we can’t wait for it to be over!    We  feel that while it is amazing to feel so extra connected during these times, that ultimately we all need to engage the world around us, including the people in that world.   An indefinite “us without the world” would eventually make us feel isolated, alone, and yearning for interaction outside our pod of three.   We know that because it will soon be three months of that and we are already yearning!

We are still enjoying our “three’ time.   But we also look forward when that focus can be on how the three once again interact with the world around us.  And that interaction includes the mundane of just crowded streets, people we see at stores and the strangers who enrich our days with their antics.  Who would have thought those things held any importance in our lives?

Oh, and of course, we look forward to f**king  the friends within our COT.   Lol!

Okay, time to talk about something more lurid and erotic.  Next post will be something more sex-related, which, let’s be honest, is what you most want to read from me!