I’ve never gone this long without posting (more than two weeks!)
There is too much to cover to share all the various goings on during the last two weeks, so I’ll just share one particular item that was profound in my DD journey.
I’ve shared numerous stories of my ever-increasing need for deeper submission (a common backdrop since the beginning, but definitely a theme starting in 46. Reflections and 47 Birth of Dom.) Well, I believe I found the limits of the submission I desire.
I fell into a bit of funk and even my sexual appetite was low. Part of me thought it was simply that I’ve had a year and a half of almost constant stimulation, amazing sex with Mike, amazing sex with John and Donna, and my body finally couldn’t produce any more “spark.” But the feeling lingered far too long for my liking. More concerning to me was that I was feeling less than fully satisfied with my acts of submission. I still submitted, but, in some cases there just wasn’t the same joy in it.
It was also odd that this “funk” came on in an instant, not slowly over time. It was quite odd to me, like in a flash – all of a sudden I was looking at my DD journey from the outside, as if I was looking back at someone else’s experiences. I was feeling how some of it just seemed ridiculous to this “outside” me. It gave me a moment of doubt that perhaps this journey should end. That thought didn’t last long, but it shocked me that I had the thought at all. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that, no, I thoroughly enjoy being submissive, but, I needed to back off on some of the things we have implemented.
It strange how we interpret changes in our life. In the past when I wanted to change to submit more, it always made me feel good. In no way did I think it indicated a failure in what we were doing. So why is it that now I wanted to submit less, it made me bad, like it indicated a failure in what we were doing?
I’ve concluded that this inconsistency in my perception of change is much like any journey. In a new adventure there is wonderment, amazement and excitement, not just in the moment, but for where the moment might take you. Once you have reached the end of the journey, instead of being excited that you have done so, you are saddened that the journey is over. As far as submission goes, I do believe I exceeded the limits of what I want, so my seeking the “right” level of submission for me is at an end, at least for now.
Let me share how this came about and what exactly it is we are changing. It will probably be very anti-climactic when I tell you what is changing, but for me it isn’t about the number or degree of changes, it is simply that any change, however slight, marked the end of the journey (for now).
Before I ever hit this funk Mike and I had talked about the likelihood this would happen someday. We knew we would not recognize the level of submission that worked best for us until we exceeded the threshold of what made us the happiest. So I told Mike that I believe I was beyond that threshold.
I told him all I wanted to change was the constant nudity during the day, and the “Device Days” we implement three days a week (discussed in Post 57). I told him for whatever reason, those have come to bother me. They didn’t at first, but somehow got to a point where they seemed unnecessary, punitive, and just uncomfortable and inconvenient. That was all I wanted to change.
The surprising thing was Mike said no!
He said he is all for dialing down my submission, but, he wasn’t convinced that is what I truly wanted. He knows me so well. He knows anytime I get in any type of funk or have doubts creep in about anything, my first instinct is to start changing things – any things. Even though I gave this a lot of thought, he knows that sometimes for me making any change is simply a distraction and not an actual solution. Thus it might provide a temporary lift out of my funk and feel like progress, but soon the funk would return as it didn’t really address the issue. He said, “Let’s give it one more week, as is, and then see how you feel.”
I really didn’t want to wait, as I felt pretty certain about my feelings. The old Jenny would have persisted until I got my way, but, this submissiveness has grown on me. I felt that if this is what Mike wanted, then I could do for one more week, and who knows, maybe he would be right.
Funny thing, I really enjoyed that week more than I had in some time. The thought that in essence Mike was making me do this against my explicit wishes actually turned me on. That feeling I got confirmed in me how much I like to submit to him. However, as the week came to a close I knew I couldn’t maintain doing those things I mentioned. Ultimately Mike agreed and we made some changes.
No more “device days” as a routine, but they still could occur as punishment. And, I would remain topless during the day but could wear panties – it was really an issue of comfort for me. I get that doing uncomfortable things is part of submission, but for whatever reason, those two things just crossed the line. Yes, spanking me until I cry is fine. Yes, making me stand in the corner is fine. Yes, calling you Sir is fine. Yes, sometimes making me too sore to sit is fine . . . . but just please let me have my panties on.
And like that, the funk was lifted. We are in an incredible routine with my submission. I feel great, Mike feels great, our son is thriving, Mike and I have plenty of adult time, and things couldn’t be better.
Perhaps now I’ll share some of the more salacious and kinky things that went on over the last few weeks. Mike did go out-of-town on business, allowing me to go solo over to John and Donna’s! Perhaps that will be my next post?
Next: 71. Good Girl.