70. What the Funk?

I’ve never gone this long without posting (more than two weeks!)

There is too much to cover to share all the various goings on during the last two weeks, so I’ll just share one particular item that was profound in my DD journey.

I’ve shared numerous stories of my ever-increasing need for deeper submission (a common backdrop since the beginning, but definitely a theme starting in 46. Reflections and 47 Birth of Dom.)  Well, I believe I found the limits of the submission I desire. 

I fell into a bit of funk and even my sexual appetite was low.  Part of me thought it was simply that I’ve had a year and a half of almost constant stimulation, amazing sex with Mike, amazing sex with John and Donna, and my body finally couldn’t produce any more “spark.”   But the feeling lingered far too long for my liking.  More concerning to me was that I was feeling less than fully satisfied with my acts of submission.  I still submitted, but, in some cases there just wasn’t the same joy in it.

It was also odd that this “funk” came on in an instant, not slowly over time.   It was quite odd to me, like in a flash – all of a sudden I was looking at my DD journey from the outside, as if I was looking back at someone else’s experiences.  I was feeling how some of it just seemed ridiculous to this “outside” me.  It gave me a moment of doubt that perhaps this journey should end.  That thought didn’t last long, but it shocked me that I had the thought at all.   Ultimately I came to the conclusion that, no, I thoroughly enjoy being submissive, but, I needed to back off on some of the things we have implemented.

It strange how we interpret changes in our life.  In the past when I wanted to change to submit more, it always made me feel good.  In no way did I think it indicated a failure in what we were doing.  So why is it that now I wanted to submit less,  it made me bad, like it indicated a failure in what we were doing?

I’ve concluded that this inconsistency in my perception of change is much like any journey.  In a new adventure there is wonderment, amazement and excitement, not just in the moment, but for where the moment might take you.  Once you have reached the end of the journey, instead of being excited that you have done so, you are saddened that the journey is over.  As far as submission goes, I do believe I exceeded the limits of what I want, so my seeking the “right” level of submission for me is at an end, at least for now.

Let me share how this came about and what exactly it is we are changing.  It will probably be very anti-climactic when I tell you what is changing, but for me it isn’t about the number or degree of changes, it is simply that any change, however slight, marked the end of the journey (for now).

Before I ever hit this funk Mike and I had talked about the likelihood this would happen someday.  We knew we would not recognize the level of submission that worked best for us until we exceeded the threshold of what made us the happiest.  So I told Mike that I believe I was beyond that threshold.

I told him all I wanted to change was the constant nudity during the day, and the “Device Days” we implement three days a week (discussed in Post 57).   I told him for whatever reason, those have come to bother me.  They didn’t at first, but somehow got to a point where they seemed unnecessary, punitive, and just uncomfortable and inconvenient.    That was all I wanted to change.

The surprising thing was Mike said no!

He said he is all for dialing down my submission, but, he wasn’t convinced that is what I truly wanted.  He knows me so well.  He knows anytime I get in any type of funk or have doubts creep in about anything, my first instinct is to start changing things – any things.  Even though I gave this a lot of thought, he knows that sometimes for me making any change is simply a distraction and not an actual solution.  Thus it might provide a temporary lift out of my funk and feel like progress, but soon the funk would return as it didn’t really address the issue.  He said, “Let’s give it one more week, as is, and then see how you feel.”

I really didn’t want to wait, as I felt pretty certain about my feelings.  The old Jenny would have persisted until I got my way, but, this submissiveness has grown on me.   I felt that if this is what Mike wanted, then I could do for one more week, and who knows, maybe he would be right.

Funny thing, I really enjoyed that week more than I had in some time.  The thought that in essence Mike was making me do this against my explicit wishes actually turned me on.   That feeling I got confirmed in me how much I like to submit to him.  However, as the week came to a close I knew I couldn’t maintain doing those things I mentioned. Ultimately Mike agreed and we made some changes.

No more “device days” as a routine, but they still could occur as punishment.  And, I would remain topless during the day but could wear panties – it was really an issue of comfort for me. I get that doing uncomfortable things is part of submission, but for whatever reason, those two things just crossed the line.  Yes, spanking me until I cry is fine.  Yes, making me stand in the corner is fine.  Yes, calling you Sir is fine.  Yes, sometimes making me too sore to sit is fine . . . . but just please let me have my panties on.

And like that, the funk was lifted.   We are in an incredible routine with my submission.  I feel great, Mike feels great, our son is thriving, Mike and I have plenty of adult time, and things couldn’t be better.

Perhaps now I’ll share some of the more salacious and kinky things that went on over the last few weeks.  Mike did go out-of-town on business, allowing me to go solo over to John and Donna’s!  Perhaps that will be my next post?

Next:  71. Good Girl.

69. Hot Dog! Are you ready for some football?!?

I am talking American Football for you non-Americans out there.

I am not a football fan, but Mike and John are and they typically watch games together on Sunday. Sometimes John comes to our house, other times Mike goes over to John and Donna’s.   I never go with him to John’s as I stay with our son and usually go out places with him.   When John is coming to our house I often stay as Donna joins him. The two of us visit while the two of them watch their game.

This football season is different as it is the first season since we started our foursomes. Mike said he was going to go to John’s for the game and it dawned on me, what would that be like? Ever since we “revealed” ourselves with each other, any time we go over to their house Donna stays in “slave” mode. This includes various stages of undress, or completely nude.   And now that we all have sex together, well, what does not mean for when Mike is over to watch a game and I am not there?

Mike and I had to talk about this. I was surprised that he was pretty nonchalant. “I haven’t talked to John about it, but I am sure Donna will likely be naked, going about her duties as we watch the game.”

“Yes, Sir” I responded, “and that doesn’t bother me, but, what about sex?”

Again, Mike was blasé and said, “I dunno’, I guess it is possible. Really we want to watch the game, but you never know what may happen when we get together.”

Hummmm.   Well, I felt like I was required to say, “Forget that, Mister! Nothing happens when I am not around, Sir!”   And while that rebuttal came to mind, I recognized that it was more a societal reflex and that it did not match what I was actually feeling. I wasn’t feeling any anger, resentment, or hurt. I was a bit perplexed, simply because we had never talked about whether we would have sex with others when one of us wasn’t around. I knew how I was conditioned to react, but my actual feelings were not in sync with that conditioning.   When I recognized my true feeling, I too became a bit nonchalant about it.

“Sir,” I asked, “are we saying it is okay for us to have sex with other people when we both are not present?” Mike’s response was, “I don’t even know if sex is an option when I am there for a game, but, for purposes of discussing it, I think when it comes to John and Donna that we leave that option open for either one of us.  It isn’t like this is totally new. You and Donna have had sex without John and me around.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, “but that is different, Sir. It isn’t the same as you having sex with Donna or me having sex with John.”

“Okay, yes, it is different.” He added, “Different only in gender, and not in the fact that we would be enjoying ourselves sexually without the other present. In that way, it is the same.   Are we okay with enjoying ourselves sexually without the other present, or aren’t we?”

“Sir, are you saying that I can’t have sex with Donna on my own unless you can too?” as I raised my voice a little.

“Jen, I know this can be a sensitive subject but please watch you tone. I am not saying anything as a declarative statement – yet! I just want to talk this through and get us on the same page. I am open to you having sex with either one or both of them when I am not around just as much as I am open to having sex with Donna when you are not around. Before I choose what our rule will be, I am asking for your input. How do you feel about this?”

Funny, but I realized my anger was in feeling for a moment that he was trying to convince me and tell me what we would do without my feedback. Even if my choice ultimately agreed with his, I wanted to have a say in this. Once again, I was happy with how Mike reminded me of his dominance while still seeking my thoughts.

How did I feel about this?

As I stated, I felt the “mandatory” response was to say, “no way.” But my true feelings were that I was excited about it.  My response, “I may feel differently at some point, but I am with you. I am okay with it for now. The one stipulation is that I want to know it is going on. Knowing that it is happening in some way allows me to participate, at least in my mind. And, to be honest, it turns me on a bit. Not as much obviously as being there, but even knowing what you are up to is sexy to me.”

He agreed.

“So, Mike,” I asked, “can you find out if sex is on the table, both literally and figuratively, when you go over there for the game?”   We both got a laugh out of that question.

“Sure, I’ll call John now.”  He didn’t call me out for using his name and not saying Sir. I rarely do this but I’ve noticed I will when I am extremely serious. I guess it is my way of saying, “Put aside all this DD and M/s for a second and listen to my words as I am serious.” Then, of course, I say it in a way that is meant to be funny, I guess to not sound so obnoxious or demanding.

Mike put John on speaker and was so smooth in asking John. It was as if he was asking what snacks John would have for them while they watched the game. (I guess in a way, he was, hee hee).

“Hey John, Jen and I hadn’t thought through what could happen sexually while I am over watching the game. We are both cool with whatever happens, but she just wants to know in advance if sex with Donna is even an option while I am there.”

Mike and John really get into their game, so I was not all that surprised when John told him that if he thought it was a distraction he could have Donna clothed during the game. Also, no surprise in Mike’s response that he would NOT be distracted by that. John’s reply was, “Well then, other than perhaps a half-time BJ or quickie, are we good?”   We all laughed and that was that.

I asked Mike if he would text me so I would know for sure. I told him at least this first time I really have this need to know. I know it could be a buzzkill, but, a short text is all. We came up with codes such as, “getting hot dog” to mean Donna is giving him a BJ. “Getting ready to eat” to mean he was going down on Donna. “Front” and “back” to, well, you get the picture.   I don’t know why I felt it would bring me comfort to know some of the details as they were happening/about to happen.

So, Mike went over and watched the game. He got his “hot dog” and that was all. It really did turn me on when I got his text. I couldn’t wait to remind him of something. He is going out of town on business this Wednesday and won’t return until Saturday.

I just may need a sitter on Friday!

Next:  70. What the Funk?

68. reblog: To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This

This is all about making yourself vulnerable to someone. The effect of doing so causes them to reciprocate and the net effect is that you become closer to that person, perhaps even falling in love.

This was perfect in addressing some of what I was trying to convey in my post #67.

Next:  69.  Hot Dog!  Are you ready for some football?!?

Sex(uality) & the City

by Mandy Len Catron

This article was originally published in the Modern Love section of The New York Times.

UPDATED: You can now hear this essay read by the actress Gillian Jacobs in Modern Love: The Podcast. Look for the “play” button below or subscribe on iTunes or Google Play Music. You can also try “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love” here or by downloading a free app for your phone, tablet or other device.

More than 20 years ago, the psychologist Arthur Aron succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory. Last summer, I applied his technique in my own life, which is how I found myself standing on a bridge at midnight, staring into a man’s eyes for exactly four minutes.

Let me explain. Earlier in the evening, that man had said: “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with…

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66. A Quick Spanking Story

I can’t believe it’s been nine days since my last post.   Things have been pretty routine around here.  John and Donna went out of town for the long holiday weekend, so no adult time with them last weekend.

I will give you a two-fer today in two separate posts.

• The first is a spanking story to give you pervs something to get all warm and tingly about.
• The second is a more of an  esoteric ramble to give you philosophers, truth-seekers, and dreamers something to percolate in your mind.

Spanking Story
I did get a punishment over the weekend from Mike that was notable due to the severity.   I don’t get spanked often as I seem to have hit a stride with our routine and am consistently able to fulfill all my many duties and obligations.  The notable exception was last weekend.  I had gone out with my niece (she is in her twenties) for some shopping and a day out.   I forgot my cell phone, which is a no-no.  I called Mike from my niece’s phone to make him aware I didn’t have my phone on me.   When I called him I didn’t expect him to scold me or tell me there would be consequences later.  He knows that I know that there will be consequences, so no need to point it out.  What I wasn’t sure of is whether he would tell me to come home now and if so, spank me of course and then he may or may not allow me to go back out.

He just matter-of-factly said that if he needed something he would call my niece’s phone.  I was relieved he didn’t want me to come home right then.  My days out are not just for fun, but are needed as part of decompressing and re-energizing myself to take on the primary care duties of our son.  I mentioned before he has a disability and caring for him can be physically and emotionally demanding.  Of course, add in all the domestic duties I have willingly taken on, and mentally I need my occasional days out.

I knew what was in store for me when I got home, although I wasn’t prepared for the intensity of it.   As I pulled into the garage and closed the garage door, Mike entered and said, “Drop your pants right there.”  He shared that our son was over at a friends and wouldn’t be back for about an hour.   I did so and leaned against the car and Mike proceeded to spank me by hand, very hard, probably about 30 times in rapid succession.

He then told me to undress and go to our room.  I did so, and took the customary stance in the corner, awaiting his arrival.  Mike came in the room and without moving from the corner took off his belt and gave me about 15, again in pretty rapid succession.  He then told me to clasp my hands behind my head and continue standing in the corner.  He left the room and came back about 10 minutes later.  He got the infamous prison strap and spanked me pretty hard five times, then called me over across his knee.  He spanked me countless times by hand, perhaps 200.  Not hard, but just a steady rhythm of spank after stinging spank.   Needless to say I was quite teary eyed and my ass was completely covered in the brightest shade of pink I’ve ever seen.   When he was done he had me stand in the corner about another 15 minutes and then we concluded the episode per our Rewards Ceremony and that was that.

It was while I was in the corner that I began to reflect and ponder, which leads me to the next post . . .

NEXT:  67. An Esoteric Ramble

67. An Esoteric Ramble

The esoteric stuff – Continued from my prior post.

As I stared in the corner I reflected, not on the specific punishment, but on how my DD has evolved.  I continue to be amazed at the fact I enjoy this so much.  Not the spankings themselves – although they do have their element of pleasure along with the pain, whose mix will vary from spanking to spanking.  No, it isn’t the spankings themselves that have me amazed with myself.  So what it is?

I’ve shared before all the different words that submission means to me, such as in my Doctrine of Submission post, or Submission = Transparency = Love.   But a new word came to mind that I hadn’t considered before.  That word is vulnerability.

I enjoy being vulnerable.

Enjoying vulnerability is counter-culture.  We aren’t condition to enjoy that, even when we confine that vulnerability to our spouses or a small circle of friends.   We all make ourselves vulnerable to those around us, but the level at which we do it is often highly restricted.

When I allowed myself to become vulnerable through DD, I dropped the persona that I was clinging to.  Once the facade dropped, I became more authentic.  Not to just those around me, but to myself.  And the vulnerability is not just for the specific moments I am being punished or I am naked, or any specific thing related to our DD.  The vulnerability becomes a mindset.  It is always there in a positive way.  Similar to what I talked about in I Found My Thrill. 

I believe people around me can sense the authenticity.  When you are around someone who is authentic, you can’t always put your finger on it but you just sense something different.  You find them to be more approachable and you naturally reciprocate authenticity because they are more real.   People are comforted by authenticity.  I am guessing that is why it is common for someone who is fearful of public speaking to be given the suggestion that they envision their audience naked.

In reality, even if you are fake you are going to be vulnerable to your fakeness, but that doesn’t hurt the ego much because, well, because it was fake and not the real you.  It takes a lot of self-confidence to let the real you be vulnerable and thus subjecting the real you to various cheap shots.   And who better to be self-confident with and to show complete vulnerability to than your spouse?

I love being vulnerable to and around Mike.  I trust he will not misuse my vulnerability and it has led to him being a lot more vulnerable to me.  The net impact is that our relationship is closer and more intensely loving and passionate than I could have previously imagined.    Mike is worthy of my vulnerability.

My advice to everyone who is in a loving relationship is to become more vulnerable to your loved ones. I don’t mean write yourself a DD contract and hand it to them.   It can be far simpler than that – just sharing your thoughts and opinions, your likes and dislikes – about mundane things or erotic things, or about your fears or obsessions.   If the thought of that is too scary, perhaps they haven’t earned that level of trust from you.  If that is the case, perhaps you need to work on why that is.

If they aren’t worthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps they aren’t worthy of you.

NEXT:  68.  To fall in love, do this. . .