Tag Archives: submission

141. Master/slave Immersion 2.0

141Immersion

It is summer time and that means continuing a “tradition.”   Yes, it means it is time once again for an M/s immersion!   Okay, so perhaps it doesn’t qualify as “tradition” yet as it will be just our second such “immersion,” but it is something I’ve been looking forward to for some time. 

IMMERSION 2016 – a look back
I wrote about our immersion last year
(Post 31. June Butterflies – 10 day Total Power Exchange and again Post 34. M/s immersion complete).  What is definitely a tradition is that each summer my parents have my kids spend two weeks with them (of course, now it is mainly just my youngest).  This has always been a time for Mike and I to have some unencumbered fun.  Of course, what constitutes “fun” has been a little different since embracing Domestic Discipline.  

IMMERSION 2017 – a look ahead
Like last year, Mike and I will experiment with taking our dynamic up a notch or two on the Dom/sub scale.  A time to test limits and have extended uninterrupted “adult” time. This year will be a bit different as Kayla is now with us and Mike and I are another year wiser from our experiences.  After all, this time last year we were just 15 months into our DD lifestyle, so now have almost TWICE the experience!  What a difference a year makes.

We discuss what the Immersion will be like this year.  I asked Mike to simply surprise me.  No preconceived limitations, restrictions, or expectations on my part.   I asked that he just feel free to explore his wildest fantasies and let me rely on safe words to communicate when a limit has been reached.  

Kayla said she wanted the same from this immersion, with one addition.  She really enjoyed the group dynamic of the party (Post 139. A very Adults-only Party) and she wants to explore being with several men at once, as long as both Mike and I are present. She said that in her fantasy, Mike and I just watch, neither of us participate.  Thus, she asked if Mike could find “at least three” other men to be involved.  Mike told her he would consider it and it would hinge on him finding the right guys to participate.  John would be one, but the challenge is finding others we can trust.  Two of the couples at the party were really great to hang around.  We know that one of them only play together as a couple, so that leaves the man in the other couple to consider.  So including John, perhaps we are at two good candidates.

I don’t have significant reservations about Kayla’s request.  Not to say I don’t have concerns, but I know Mike takes this seriously and I am confident he will do what he can to make this live up to Kayla’s expectations.  I know this is a big fantasy of Kayla’s and I am happy to help her experience it if we can have all the right controls.  My biggest fear is actually Kayla having unrealistic expectations about it.  If you’ve read my posts you know how I am about expectations.  (Post 81. Expectations)

Thus, we all talked extensively about her request to ensure we are all “calibrated” as to her wants and desires.  I feel Kayla has really matured in her thinking about her submission and sexuality.   In six short months she has found tremendous confidence in sharing her fantasies and has shown discretion in separating pure fantasy from true desires.    

We’ll see what comes of this.  While Mike and I enjoyed the “vibe” of the party (sans Rudy),  we are content with our dynamic and sex life such that we mostly just see complications and disappointments if we make such “parties” the norm for us.  However Kayla wants to explore more and wants the comfort of our guidance and presence.  We will see what comes of this.  

CRYING
Switching gears —  T
hinking about the immersion last year has me in a reflecting mood.  It doesn’t really take much for that as I am a highly self-reflective person.  It got me thinking more about my submission and thinking more deeply about certain ways I act or have acted.

One of things I was reflecting on is crying.  While there have been plenty of exceptions, I don’t typically cry when I am punished.  I almost always get a bit teary eyed, but the full on cry is atypical.  Kayla, on the other hand, started out as a huge crier.  Her cries have diminished but are still common place.  She tends to have more like the semi-hyperventilating sniffles with lots of tears running down her cheeks versus a loud and boisterous cry.  

There may be a tendency to equate crying with pain or sadness, but that is never the reason I cry, nor is the reason for Kayla’s crying.    Both of us agree that the likelihood and degree of our crying is directly related to the degree of humility, remorse, and/or guilt we feel about the transgression that led to the punishment.  I think Kayla feels those things more often and more intensely than I do because she is younger and puts more pressure on herself than I do.  As such, she feels it more as a personal defeat than a temporary set back.  For me, the feelings of humility, remorse, or guilt are compounded the most when it is a repeat offense.  That leads me to a spanking story I haven’t shared that happened a few days ago.       

Spanking Story (tease)
I was at the store and saw something I wanted to buy for the house.  Our rules say I can only buy household items like food, toiletries, and cleaning supplies as long as it fits in the budget.  Any other purchases required permission from Mike.   If you aren’t familiar with the origins of this rule, read Post 71. Good Girl and Post 75. Public Display of Submission).

For whatever reason I wasn’t in a mindset to want to call Mike.  Asking permission seemed trivial and it was so clear to me we could use this item.  So, what did I do?  Well, I didn’t buy it. . . but I still got punished!   I’ll share the details on my next post!

NEXT:  142.  Spanking, Lines, and Corner Time.

 

137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking

137

Over the last few months I have had few, but harsher, punishments, as I have done an excellent job of adhering to my Duties and Obligations with a few big exceptions which I’ve posted about. Mike decided it would be helpful if we instituted an extra Maintenance Session that he will call for at his discretion.  If he feels they are needed they will be on Thursday evenings.  

It will be an abbreviated version of our Sunday Maintenance.  I don’t present my journal or masturbate, and it is not as reflective as the Sunday routine.  One other difference is that Mike said I will be caned versus the hand spankings that are part of the Sunday routine.   It starts with a caning, there is brief dialogue where he may ask me some questions and/or lecture, then a final caning.  He said it would be as many and with whatever intensity he thinks I need.   He said he would let me know each Thursday around dinner time as to whether we will have a session that evening.

Mike said he hoped this extra session would provide me added focus and also serve as an additional release.  Perhaps it will avoid the need for me to ask for a spanking which I’ve done a few times when I’ve gone a lengthy period of time without a punishment.    

Bratting or Distraction?
The wondering and anticipation during the day on Thursday is a punishment by itself.   First off, the cane is my least favorite spanking implement, and Mike knows it.   This has a potential for putting me in a conundrum.  Will this motivate me to “brat” or have some minor infraction so that I am spanked Monday through Wednesday such that Mike feels the Thursday session isn’t necessary?   Of course, there is always the risk I still get the Thursday maintenance regardless of my behavior for the week.   I don’t believe I would intentionally “brat.”  I’ve never done it before.  I think getting a spanking under false pretenses would be unfulfilling.  

I also wonder if the anticipation could be a mental distraction such that I don’t correctly execute my Duties and Obligations.   Ug!   I would much rather just make it an automatic Thursday session versus it being at Mike’s discretion.

I got spanked!
Normally when Mike makes a “proclamation” he does not solicit questions from me.  He simply asks if I understood what he stated.  This time, after he announced his decision to hold these sessions, he specifically said, “Do you have any questions?”  I didn’t hesitate and I asked him if he could just make these automatic.   

He then told me to bend over and he administered an Immediate Spanking.  After the first round of spankings he asked me why I earned this.  I figured it was because I questioned him, but I didn’t understand why I was spanked because, after all, he asked me if I had questions.  Because I didn’t correctly state why I was spanked, I received the customary second round of spankings and then he explained.  Yes, he asked me if I had questions, but my response to him wasn’t a question.  It was a request.  We have an agreement that when I ask questions they are only for clarity as to what is being requested of me.  If I want to question why or suggest an alternative, I am to do that only at a Maintenance Session.  In my haste, I questioned him in an unacceptable manner.

This event to me is further evidence of Mike’s evolution as a Dom.  Not too long ago I think he would have missed the nuance of a question that is a point of clarify versus one that is a request.  Or, if he did catch it, in the past he might have overlooked it — Not any more!  He’s the Dom and expects certain behaviors of me.   This is another example of the clear evolution of my DD.  He isn’t just enforcing my explicit expectations of myself regarding specific behaviors that I prescribed.  Instead,  he is enforcing both of our expectations that I be submissive to him.    

It may be surprising but this excites me!  Okay, not right at first, but it didn’t take long to excite me.   I admit, in the moment my first thought was “Really, you’re spanking me for that?”  To my credit, even though I thought that, I still didn’t hesitate to accept the spanking.  And, it didn’t take long into the spanking for my thoughts in my mind to change from “Really?” to “Thank you!”   And my next thought was, “Does this mean I don’t get a Maintenance caning this Thursday?”   

I thought that, but I knew better than to verbalize it!   We shall see this Thursday!

NEXT:  138. Party Time. The Naked Bench.

 

 

 

136. Submitted Wife

136
I can’t go too many posts without writing about my thoughts on submission.  What prompted this one was a discussion with my sisters (See Post 116 re my “coming out” to them).    

By the way, I still refer to my lifestyle as Domestic Discipline, but I recognize it has evolved to be more aligned with a Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  Once you name something, it is hard to change it.  DD is in the name of my blog and I am sticking with it. Oh, back to my sisters…

My sisters continue to ask me a lot of questions and I often am the one soliciting their questions.  I like to hear their thoughts and comments.  I know they will be unfiltered as we have a way of being totally “brutally” honest with each other.  I believe it is because we are all so secure in our sisterly love for each other that we know how to communicate tough issues very well.  We can be critical without condescension, and at no time make each other feel bad.  We share our feelings so that we are better understood and so that we can better understand each other.  So everything we say always has the underpinning of love.

I’ve also shared before (Post 2. The Backstory) that growing up there was a strong sense of “woman empowerment” bestowed on us by our mother.  Being a submissive wife was never in my future as far as my mom was concerned, or my sisters, or even me, until submission found me.  

WHY?
My sisters keep coming back to the same question, “Why?”   It isn’t that they didn’t listen to my answers or that they didn’t believe my answers.  They admit that my answers were touching, heart felt, moving, and well articulated. But still, it’s like, “Can you tell me ‘why’ again?”

The analogy I use is that it is as if they are learning a foreign language and haven’t retained the knowledge to understand it.  And like learning a foreign language, they need repetition.  So I repeat, and I repeat.  I think it is slowly sinking in, but this time I realized I needed to change my approach.    

Understand before being Understood.
I fell back on some of my counseling background and a simple communication axiom of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   In our previous conversation I was providing my sisters with a lot of information, but it was about the things that were important to me, that motivated me, that justified to me why I made the decisions I made.  I finally realized I needed to understand them first.  

I asked them what they thought submission was and what they thought my reasons were.  In those answered, I found the biases that society conditions us with and the loving concerns they had for me because of those preconceived notions.  Thus, I finally understood our conversation needed to be about what D/s WASN’T more than it needed to be about what D/s WAS

 In their minds, submission is

  • degrading
  • unfair
  • unhealthy

Their actual list was longer, but I consolidated it into those three themes.

First of all, I agreed with them.  Submission COULD be any or all of those things.  Just like “Love” could spiral into any or all of those things.  The potential for those things should not be dismissed or taken lightly, but the fact is, I believe healthy D/s relations are devoid of those things.  Then we talked about each one.

DEGRADING
In their minds it was degrading to allow myself to be under Mike’s authority.  We then talked about authority in a household setting.  They agreed that in their own relationships there were things that naturally evolved where they defer authority to their husbands, or their husbands to them.  We talked about the process that got them to that point.  That process was full of arguments and conflict and even some lingering resentments that years later could be called to the surface in a moment.  In fact, there were several issues where “authority” was still in dispute and a source of  anger or resentment.  One of my sisters even said, “It still burns me today to think of….”

So I told her, “So, you feel disregarded by your husband about that issue, don’t you?”   She agreed she did.  

“And are there things that you have assumed responsibility for where he may feel disregarded by you?  She agreed that this was very likely the case.

Then I said, let’s look up the definition of what it is when you disregard something that should be taken into account, such as someone’s feelings.  We quickly got to words like contempt and, sure enough, degrade.

To me, the degrading isn’t about the person. She wasn’t degrading her husband, nor he degrading her.  What was being degraded was their happiness and love.  Sure they still loved each other.  The issue didn’t rise to the level that it destroyed their love, but, it still made it less than it could be and provided less peace and fulfillment in their relationship.  To this day, years later, there was lingering resentment.   I told my sister I have absolutely no lingering resentments, nor does Mike.  That’s the power of submission for us.  It allows our love to be the greatest it can be, no pock marks or degradation anywhere. 

One other aspect of “degrading” to them was the notion I was being treated like a child.  Well, I never spanked my kids, nor did my sisters with their kids, so no connection there.  But forget the spanking, yes, Mike is the disciplinarian, much like a parent would be.  I can’t argue that.  His role has some similarities to that of a parent but D/s goes way beyond a parents role in disciplining a child.  Also, I not only fully consent to him being the disciplinarian, but I asked for him to be that.  I’ve found I can better meet my commitments to myself and to him and have greater self control and happiness by submitting to his discipline and deferring to his will.  I don’t find it degrading, I find it uplifting.

I shared with them that accepting his discipline was a journey within our journey.  That is, initially I only accepted it on my terms, explicitly laid out in our contract.  And there would have been nothing wrong with it if it stayed that way, but, I changed and my needs changed.  I wanted more discipline and developed an unquestionable trust in Mike.  To me that is when our dynamic became D/s versus DD.  I am not just subject to his discipline, I am simply and completely “his.”   

UNFAIR
Since we already were looking at definitions, we then took a look at the definition of “unfair.” Basically there are two.  One deals with the principals of justice, the other is in regards to lack of kindness, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness.  It was interesting because one sister was hung up on the principals of justice part of it while the other was hung up on the kindness and thoughtfulness part of it.

Justice, in other words, equality.  D/s isn’t about gender roles. There are D/s relationships where the man is the submissive and there are same-sex D/s relationships.   D/s is not an indictment on women.  It is about the two individuals and what works for them. Gender is something that obviously exists, but doesn’t dictate anything.  Having said that, yes, I’ve observed most D/s relationships have a male Dom.  That simply could be because society has preconditioned too many men such that they would never consider it or would never explore it.  Society more easily accepts a submissive woman. 

I also explained that for me, D/s is about choosing a leader in the relationship.   Granting someone authority to lead you, whether it be a boss, a pastor, a teacher, a doctor, a friend, a spouse, etc., is not a value judgement on someone’s worth.  Allowing yourself to be led is not unjust.  And it is not unjust when I choose to acquiesce to Mike’s leadership, even on things I don’t agree with.

If you do not acquiesce at work, you can be fired.  At church or school?  You can be expelled.  With your doctor?  You can become ill or not get well.  With friends, it is a give and take, and when you give authority to them, you aren’t “less than,” nor when they give you authority are they “less than.”  With spouses, it can be similar to friends, but there is that risk of resentment over time if you feel pressured to acquiesce on things that are important for you to lead.   So let’s agree that leading or following is not a value statement on the person leading or following.  Following doesn’t equate to “less than.”

Then I asked them in situations where both they and their spouse wanted to lead, or neither wanted to, what happened?  Did they feel joy, peace, and composure?   No, they used words like “agitation” and “hostility” to describe how they and their partners feel in those situations.

I asked them if those feelings were really fair?   Is it fair for them to feel hostile towards their loved one, or their loved one towards them?   And again, let’s not look at fairness towards the individual, but fairness towards their love.  They agreed, it was not fair to have their love diminished over such trivial things.  I said I never feel agitation or hostility, nor does Mike towards me.   So how is it that Mike and I are being unfair to each other or unfair to our love?   How is it that a lifestyle that fosters true joy for us ever be considered unfair? 

UNHEALTHY
Other words used were “demoralizing” or “dehumanizing.”  I took on the “dehumanizing” part first.  What is dehumanizing about feeling joy, feeling fulfilled, feeling true bliss?  Is the oneness I have with Mike (Post 30.  I found my Thrill,) dehumanizing?  Just the opposite.  These feelings are the pinnacle of the emotions you want to feel as a human.  How can that be dehumanizing?

As for “demoralizing?”   I am more hopeful than ever regarding my marriage and my life.   I am deeply humbled, but not over some defeat of who I am today, but over the defeat of who I used to be.   I am humbled to where my pride does not blind me or control me.  I am not a doormat.  I simply gave up my ego.  I am ego-less.  I no longer belong to me.  I belong to Mike.   That excites me, motivates me, fulfills me.  Demoralize me?  No.

One last point I made with them was that my motives for being submissive are fully and totally personal.  It is not because of any society expectations, religious beliefs, or, of course, any family expectations.  I state this only to share my motives with you, not to question or belittle those who are motivated by those or other things.  I believe that this is one reason I am so happy with this.  It is absent any outside influence or pressure.  It is of my own making.

As I shared in my first few posts, I was looking for something to provide a more fulfilling life for me, my husband, and family.  I stumbled across DD and made an immediate connection with it, and it has worked for me.  I was extremely fortunate to have a husband who supported it.  Contrary to what people think, I know a lot of men would not have embraced being a Dom.  Just like submission is not for everyone (man or woman), Domination is not for everyone.

After this discussion they seem to be getting it. I am sure there will be more talks before they fully reconcile it in their minds.  Note that in no way am I trying to suggest they should do this or you should adopt this lifestyle.  HOWEVER, I do encourage them, and you, to be more vulnerable to those you love.  That doesn’t mean DD or D/s, unless you feel it should.  And even then, it takes two, and a good Dom is serious about their duties to nourish, respect, and love, as much as a good sub is serious about committing to constant submission that is always there, even when the Dom doesn’t deserve it.  

Just one last thought, also covered in Post 30 but worth repeating, is that achieving oneness with your partner is not about achieving sameness.  As it says in my favorite line from my favorite song ever, “We are one, but not the same.”  (U2’s “One”).    I strongly encourage you to read Post 30.  I found my Thrill, if you haven’t already. 

Peace, joy, love, and fulfillment!

NEXT:  137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking

128. Transforming through Journaling

Transformj

Oh Joy!  I mentioned in my last post that our DD contract is not up for another year. Actually, it renews in October of this year.  I forgot that while we started this in March of 2015, we renegotiated in October 2015 with a two-year term!   Of course, the contract is just symbolic, but it is a power symbol.  Codifying your expectations for yourself and for your partner is such a beneficial exercise.  I would encourage every couple to do it and if DD is not your thing, instead of a DD contract, approach it as a document that serves as an affirmation of your love.  It is like wedding vows that you renew from time to time. 

This post – Journaling and a “caught naked” story:

JOURNALING
Daily journaling is one of the duties I adopted in our DD.  This is another thing that is so simple for anyone to do, whether or not it is part of your kink.  I am a very self-reflective person by nature, but I found the act of journaling is very powerful.  It can be meditative, healing, and uplifting to formally set aside time every day to be self reflective and do so in writing.  

Journaling also allows you to go back and read what your thoughts were in a particular moment.   I find a lot of personal growth in looking back on my feelings and actions of a particular moment with the benefit of 20-20 hindsight that is absent the emotional baggage that I was carrying in that moment.  This clearer vision allows me to see that moment with greater perspective, allowing me to better recognize how I may have contributed to anything negative that came from that moment.  Whether that negativity was in the form of how I behaved or simply how I felt.   Journaling is very powerful.

Recently I was flipping through my journals (I have filled several over the last 2+ years) and I noticed a common theme in my early journals that slowly faded over time and is absent from anything I journaled recently.  There was this self-doubt that at some times was blatant and other times was thinly disguised in such a way I only recognize it now with the benefit of hindsight.  I have sensed that my DD journey has helped me in removing self doubt, but it is interesting and fulfilling to see documented proof of that progress.

There are things I wrote that dealt with what I was feeling about a particular issue that, when looking at it now I can no longer relate to that feeling.  I want to go back and tell that Jenny that there was no reason to feel that way.  Of course, that Jenny wouldn’t listen because, while you can provide hope and encouragement, you can’t “tell” someone out of a feeling.  Reading my older journals just reinforces my belief that life is never about what happens to you, it is about how you react to what happens to you.   Not that it is easy to always react in ways that are self affirming and loving towards others, but clearly, I can see that I wasted a lot of energy on self loathing and being overly critical of myself.  

I believe that this led to my ability to feel compersion and to lose my tendency to let jealously come in. (Post 87. And there it was,  Post 88 Something True,  and Post 89. Spank Jealousy Away). I am more self-confident in who I am as a wife, mother, lover, sister, etc.   It is odd that subjugation, which some would describe as becoming “less than,” is actually a path towards being “more than” you once were.  Definitely a psychological conundrum, but I don’t care what the reasons, I only care of the results, and they have been amazing.

And Kayla says it is the same for her, and I am seeing proof of that every day, both in what I observe and in the comments of others.  She has grown tremendously in self-confidence.  It isn’t that she lacks any self doubts, but she looks at those doubts as opportunities to grow instead of a weight that keeps her down.  Her friends have asked her where the “wallflower Kayla” has gone as Kayla is more outgoing and simply more in the moment than ever before.  Her parents have seen the transformation as well – they attribute it her spreading her wings and being more independent, which is technically accurate.  Of course her physical transformation with the shaved head and eyebrows was a shocker to friends and family, but she explained it as simply wanting to physically transform and start anew to match the transformation and newness she felt on the inside.

Hate to break the flow of my “self-reflective” theme of this post, but that leads me to a funny story I’ve got to share that sort of illustrates this.  It also prompted us to be a bit more careful about privacy.

CAUGHT NAKED
My middle son, T,  is away at college and is far enough away that trips home are rare, but close enough that they are not too challenging (several hours drive).  He has always had the habit of letting us know when he was coming home.

One Friday afternoon about two weeks ago (prior to Kayla’s immersion) Kayla was home alone when I was out running errands, J was still at school, and Mike was at work.  Being naked is our default attire and Kayla and I don’t get dressed until it is time for me to pick up J from school.  Well, Kayla was in the kitchen when suddenly T and a friend of his appeared from nowhere.  Kayla didn’t hear them pull up and of course T just lets himself in.

I can imagine the shock on T and his friends face, as well as what went through Kayla’s mind, but she handled it beautifully.   She acted like she would have acted had she been clothed.  A simple, “Oh hello, T, surprised to see you.  Who is your friend?”  Of course the first thing T said was, “You’re naked!” Kayla calmly said, “Yeah, you caught me.  I was getting ready to jump in the shower and I left my phone somewhere and wanted to have it near me as I am expecting a call, so I came out to look for it.”   

She also had enough composure to consider the fact she was uncertain of the condition of her bottom.  Kayla tends to recover fast from a spanking but she had got a caning that morning and the stripes tend to take a while to fade.  She quickly thought of a way to handle this.  “So guys, I am sure you’ve seen boobies before.  Take a good look.” And she stood in front of them like a criminal with their hands up and legs apart.  Then she said, “Now that you’ve had your look, if you’ll be gentleman, please turn your backs as I leave the room to get to my shower.  They complied and she left the room.

The “old” Kayla could have never pulled that off.  The immediate reaction would have been embarrassment and an attempt to cover herself as quickly as possible.  

One other little factoid – as a family we tend to talk about things that happen (non kink of course) and this incident was no secret.  Even J got to hear the story of “T and his friend seeing Kayla naked.”    

Turned out T’s friend needed to get home for some reason and his car was in the shop, so T offered to give him a ride.  His friend lives just one town over and T thought it would be nice to drop by to say hello.   Me, Mike, and Kayla, feel very fortunate that it happened the way it did.  It would have been much more difficult (impossible?) to explain why both mom and Kayla were naked, having sex, masturbating, getting spanked, etc., Very fortunate indeed!

We asked T to give us text when he was on his way and of course, we fibbed and told him that we asked Kayla to not walk around the house naked.  In addition, T doesn’t even have a house key, he always just comes in through the garage.  We are now keeping the door from the garage to the house locked.

NEXT: 129: Vulnerability. Plus, Choose Respect or Choose Love.

 

       

 

 

117. The Stick of Truth, Part I

truthstick

This event occurred two weeks ago, but I needed some time to better reflect and reconcile this before I was comfortable posting about it.  I want to share a lot of the details, so will need to break this up into more than one post.  

Last week, before their Orlando trip, on a day when Mike was at work I overheard Kayla talking to a friend on her phone and she let several expletives fly.  Cussing is not allowed, and something we addressed with Kayla before (Post 102.Sharing Salacious Spanking Stories and Post 105. Potty Mouth).

I gestured to Kayla that she needed to get off the phone and she mouthed “Yes M’am” and told her friend goodbye.  I immediately recalled Mike’s instructions to me if she were to cuss again and he was not home.  I was to repeat the punishment he gave her, and then he would administer another when he got home.

We were both already naked, as we are apt to be on a school day, so I had her immediately bend over and I spanked her several times by hand.  I then recalled that Mike spanked her with his belt, and since he asked me to repeat his punishment, I felt that the belt was necessary to be compliant with his orders.  So, I stopped and told her to go get one of his belts and return to me.  She soon returned.  I don’t know how many Mike actually was expecting, but I thought 20 was about right, so that’s what I gave her.

I then had her follow me to the bathroom and did a soap punishment akin to what Mike did previously.  I then talked to her about what Mike had said the last time she cussed.  He said that the next time she cussed he wouldn’t just have her rinse with water.  He said that if she had a potty mouth, he would treat it as a potty, which clearly meant piss, although he didn’t use that word.   I mentioned before that this wouldn’t violate any hard limits Kayla has (or that I have), but I really have a hard time with being part of that kind of punishment. For me it crosses a line from submissive to humiliation.  I talked to Kayla about it and while she had reservations, she said she was prepared for whatever Mike had in mind.  I did not share the same thoughts.

LET ME TELL MIKE
I told her I was tempted to not tell Mike and just let this go.  She was quick to remind me we both were punished before for “conspiring” to break a rule (109.  The Tuck. The Spank. The Slumber) and keeping this from him would be a major no-no.  I told her I just don’t want to be part of whatever Mike has in mind if he follows through with what he said – and I was certain he would follow through.   

I told her I didn’t like the idea of keeping it from him, but I disliked what was in store for her more.  She tried to reassure me that she could handle it and wouldn’t feel humiliated. She said she feels she is Mike’s, and will do whatever he commands, short of her hard limits.  Her hard limits are simply no scat, no blood, and nothing that she feels could cause scaring or injury.  I know Kayla is up for just about anything, and it seems so dumb of me to object, but I couldn’t help what I was feeling.

TO DRINK, OR NOT TO DRINK?
I suggested we read up on the topic.  I laughed when I came across a biblical reference that some use to support the practice of drinking urine.  Proverbs 5:15 says “Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well.”  While I would interpret that passage differently, it is no more a stretch to read more into that passage than how many people creatively interpret other passages to justify their actions.  Biblical or not, apparently urine is 95% water and has no medicinal value nor health effects- but I am not so sure how thorough this has actually been studied.  And what Mike was inferring was simply rinsing — but still — for whatever reason, I object.

I shared with Kayla that I was also concerned with her ever escalating submission.  We talk frequently about this and she reminded me that in her mind her submission is not “ever escalating.” In her mind it is Mike’s dominance, and somewhat mine, that is needing to escalate to match her desires.  Thus far I do feel confident that Kayla is not taking on anything she can’t handle, and everything to date has seemed to help her and she is happy, energized, and fulfilled.  I just don’t want that to change or want to move too fast.  She is not even two months into this lifestyle. 

She reassured me that she could handle this and that she would not hesitate to use her safe word to put a stop to any action she was concerned with.  She was very firm in her conviction.  She said she truly accepts her complete surrender to Mike and in her words, “Negotiations ended with the contract.”  Whether she liked the idea of this particular punishment or not, she finds it abhorrent to not obey.  I have to give her credit for her commitment and submissive mind set as these were the strongest words she has used thus far to explain her mind set.  None-the-less, I still asked her not to say anything to Mike as I wanted an opportunity to talk to him first.

It was normal that when Mike got home from work that one of us, usually me, would follow him to the room and talk with him while he changed.  I often use that time to tell Mike about events of the day including any punishments that Kayla earned that day.   Just in case I was in the middle of something and it was going to be Kayla that walked with him to the room, I asked her to not to bring up the cussing incident and let me talk to him about it later.  Well, sure enough, when Mike came home I was helping J with something in his room and Mike had already asked Kayla to follow him.

KAYLA SPILLS THE BEANS
Kayla tried to accommodate my request, but just couldn’t keep it from Mike.  I wasn’t there, but this is how it was explained to me.  It started off with Kayla telling Mike that there was an “event” that occurred where I had to punish her but that I wanted to talk to him about it first.

In hindsight I agree that was appropriate for Kayla to say.  She wasn’t trying to keep anything from Mike and was just letting him know that I preferred to talk to him about it first.  Mike could have simply told Kayla to spill the beans, or simply said fine, he would talk to me.  But, no self respecting Dom would do that.  No, Mike saw the opportunity to make a point with Kayla.  

He asked Kayla why she thought he should talk to me first.  Kayla said that I wanted to discuss the punishment I gave her so that anything he added to it would recognize what she already received.

He asked her what she did.  Kayla said, “Ma’am wanted to be the one to tell you, Sir, but since you asked, I will still tell you if you still want me to.”  She was trying to meet her commitments to Mike while not disregarding what I asked her.

Noticing that Kayla was uneasy, Mike decided to escalate her uneasiness and asked her what she thought about my request.  Kayla admitted that she did not like it and added, “I want to tell you everything and will tell you everything but Ma’am asked me to allow her to be the one to speak with you first so I agreed.  Of course, now that you know her request, it is up to you and I will tell you everything if you wish.”

Mike continued with his questions.  “How do you think Jen would feel if you just told me all about it?”  Kayla said, “I think she would be disappointed because she thinks it would be better for everyone if she gets to explain things, but, I also know she would understand that I needed to answer you.”

Mike then asked, So, Kayla, do you think it would be better for everyone to have her explain it to me first?”

Kayla: “No, Sir, it would not be better for everyone.” 
Mike:  “Would it be better for you?”
Kayla:  “No, Sir, it would not be better for me.”
Mike: “Would it be better for me?”
Kayla: “No, Sir, it would not be better for you.”
Mike: “Would it be better for Jen?”
Kayla: “Yes, Sir, it would be better for Jen as that is what she wants.”

Mike continued, “Do you believe that in order for me to trust you that you should tell me everything, without filters from Jen or anyone else?”

“Yes, Sir, I should tell you everything.” she replied.

“Do you believe you are fulfilling your commitments to me by withholding something simply because Jen asked you?”

“No, Sir, I am not fulfilling my commitments when I withhold something from you, no matter what the reason.” Her lips began to tremble as she felt she was stuck and let Mike down and was also letting me down. 

Mike recapped, “So Kayla, you would risk my losing trust in you by withholding something from me simply because Jen asked.  Even though you felt it would not be better for everyone, you still agreed to have Jen tell me instead of you?”

Kayla said, “Sir, I didn’t agree to withhold anything.  I simply agreed to allow her to be the one to talk to you first, and I said now that you know what Ma’am wanted, it is clearly still up to you and I will gladly tell you if you just ask.”

Mike responded, “You didn’t answer my question.  It is a yes or no question.  Would you risk losing my trust by withholding something from me, yes, or no?”

“No sir, I would not risk that,” she replied. 

Mike then added, “So not only did you risk that, but you also went against your own judgement that this was not better for everyone.   Is it that your commitment to tell me everything is unimportant to you?” 

“No, Sir, all my commitments are very important to me, especially that one.”
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Mike then asked, “And what again does that particular commitment say about what you are to share with me?

Kayla quickly answered, “Sir, I am to share everything, my day, my thoughts, my doubts, my desires.”

“Does it say that you only share them if I ask you?”

“No Sir, I share them without asking,” she again quickly answered. 

“Then do you agree you failed in your commitment by waiting for me to ask you?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Yes, Sir, what?”

“Yes, Sir, I failed in my commitment to you”

Mike ordered her to undress, go to her room, and stand in the corner and he would be in there when he finished changing.   He soon came into her room and had her bend over. He lubed up and inserted an anal plug, then he attached the “three clamps.”  This is a clamp for each nipple and one for the clit, connected by a chain.  He told her to lay on her bed and he cuffed her wrists to the bedpost above her head.  He also put the ball gag and a blindfold on her.  He gave the chain a few tugs and said he would return after he had his dinner.  Mike never asked her anything about what earned her punishment or why I asked to to be the one to talk to him first.  

Mike came to dinner and said Kayla wasn’t feeling well and was resting in her room.  I could tell there was more to it and that this explanation was for J’s sake. 

More on my next post!

NEXT:  The Stick of Truth, Part II

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104. What’s my role? Dom-ish?

dosu

It’s only been six days since Kayla moved in.   The holiday family comings-and-goings has out of our regular routine.  We are all making adjustments where we can so Kayla and I can fulfill our submissive needs as best as possible.  I look forward to resuming a more normal routine and allow Kayla to experience more consistency in her submission.  

Just six days in and we experienced our first wrinkle.  While not specifically expected, we all went into this knowing we had things to learn and would need to make adjustments to fit everyone’s needs.  Well, we’ve had one such adjustment already.

As I mentioned before re Kayla’s contract, Kayla has nightly maintenance sessions (mine have always been weekly and remain so).  The main reason is to be sure we give and receive feedback more frequently as we “calibrate” Kayla’s needs with our awareness and ability to fulfill them.  

In each of her first four sessions, Kayla made it clear she wants us to be strict and “hold her feet to the fire.”  Not literally, of course – we do have limits!  As such we’ve implemented more required tasks of her and critique her very closely regarding her adherence.  One such task is the Morning Inspection.  

MORNING INSPECTION
She was required to keep her room neat and clean but now has to maintain it at an impeccable level, else she is punished.  Any clothes that she has folded and in a drawer must be precisely folded and organized a certain way.  The hangers in her closet must be spaced apart at a distance of three of her fingers and all hanging clothes must face a certain way.  Every day she must dust her furniture and baseboards, vacuum, and clean both her mirror and window every day.  Her bed must be made the moment she gets up (assuming she slept in it and not in ours!).  Her personal appearance is also subject to inspection (as shared in Post 92. The Inspection).   She is to get up early to attend to these duties and on workdays Mike will do an inspection before he leaves for work.   On days he is off he will do so shortly after he wakes up. 

CHANGE IN ATTENDING HER MAINTENANCE SESSIONS
After I attended the first four sessions, Kayla asked that I stop attending the entire session.  She asked that I attend at the start, give any feedback on observations from the day, and then leave unless she or Mike specifically asks that I stay.  Her reason was simply she wanted most of the session to be between her and Mike.

The sub in me is fine with this.  The wife in me is very happy with this – as I mentioned before, I want Kayla and Mike to forge their own relationship that is not always dependent on my involvement.  Also, I am happy that Kayla was comfortable enough to say this as I know it was hard for her to voice that.  However, the supposed Dom in me was confused! 

I am comfortable with Kayla being submissive to me and she wants to be submissive to me, but clearly we need to define what this really means.  Does she really want to be submissive to me or not?  While she is submissive to me, it is clear that I am not her Dom, nor do I want to be.  That is Mike’s role.  In addition, I don’t want her to be nor consider her to be “my submissive.” She is Mike’s, not mine.   She says she wants to be submissive to me, but then not be involved in her Maintenance Sessions?   So what is my role?

We had a good discussion about this that helped me accept my role.  As we previously agreed and Kayla has in her contract, she must call me Ma’am, and must fulfill my requests and follow my directions.   However, she is free to question me at any time as that is intended to help her learn.  Her questioning needs to be calm and inquisitive and I can cut off further questioning if I feel it is necessary.  She can then bring up the issue at her Maintenance Session.  In addition, I am to deliver Immediate Rewards when earned, and can defer other punishments until Mike is able to deliver them.  

While all of these items were the expectations that were initially set, we didn’t explicitly talk about Maintenance Sessions but it was inferred I would participate.  Now she doesn’t want me there.  Again, I have no qualms about attending or not, it is simply about setting expectations and clearly defining my role.  I accept that the definition of my role will likely change over time as Kayla discovers what is and what is not fulfilling to her as a submissive. 

We talked about this and while we couldn’t really put a name on it.  I am dom-like, but not a Dom, I am submissive to Mike, but have to keep a Dom-mindset when dealing with Kayla.   So, sort of dom-lite, or submissive plus?  The best labels that we came up with to convey my role was Dom-Assistant or Submissive-enabler.   That is, I help serve as Mike’s proxy when he is away and will limit any spankings or punishments to those requiring Immediate Rewards when Mike is not around.  For all others, Kayla will self-report to Mike and Mike will handle accordingly.    In addition, I help facilitate Kayla’s submissive mindset, promoting certain behaviors through my “orders” and general interaction with her.   However, I am not “her Dom” and she is not “my sub.”

 I believe talking through this helped better set expectations going forward and I am fine with this.  This isn’t about my need to be a Dom – as I don’t need it.  It is simply about understanding Kayla’s needs and being there to help her be the sub she wants, so long as it does not interfere with my submissiveness.   I think this clarification provides a good balance that allows me to help her while staying within my submissive head space.   

We talked about re-writing a section of her contract to better codify what it means for her to be submissive to me, but we decided to hold off for now as I am sure we will learn more as we go.  In the meantime, we simply have this new understanding of how it will work.

I’ve got an interesting punishment story to share on my next post re Kayla and more cursing.

NEXT: 105. Cleaning a Potty Mouth