150. Entering the Forbidden Zone

150

Welcome to my 150th post!

Immersion 2017 is here. . . starting tomorrow to be exact.  (See prior posts re Post 141. Master/slave Immersion 2.0).

KID FREE
J is heading to my parents for a week leaving us child-free and carefree, with one hitch.  Our middle son T2 called to say he would be coming home for a few weeks.  He is away at college and will take some summer courses but has a gap with some free time so he decided to spend it at home.  How inconsiderate!  Doesn’t he know we need to get our kink on! 

The good news is we still have several days at home that will be kid free, and the better news is that Mike was able to quickly find us a getaway for the other days.  He rented a cabin in the Texas hill country.  It is on something like 15 or 20 acres so is secluded enough that we will be far from prying eyes.  I am very excited about this as it is really our first “vacation” with just the three of us.  The secluded nature of it presents new possibilities for kink exploring.

NEW ENERGY!
I am going into this “immersion” invigorated and excited.  Mike’s handling of what I shared on Post 148. Dom/sub Therapy Session really got me out of my self pity-spiral. Intuitively I always knew that it was detrimental to hold myself to some elusive ideal of the perfect submissive – submissive in all thought and action.   I never intended to strive for perfection.  I just wanted and still want to be “more” submissive.  But my inability to achieve progress that was satisfactory to me turned it into a burden that sent me down emotionally.  I already feel that burdened has lifted.  

Always the cunning linguist, Mike made it clear that from now on my progress as a submissive is at his “pleasure and measure” and he is extremely happy with my submission.  It would have been very un-submissive of me to not accept his “pleasure and measure” proclamation.  By accepting what he was saying, not only did it mean I was thinking submissively, but by giving up my unrealistic ideal and subjecting myself only to Mike’s ideal, it meant all the burden was lifted.  Voila!  My pity party was immediately over!  Mike’s a genius!

I do seek to think more submissively, but I have no arbitrary timeline in my mind or set definition of what that actually means.  I simply continue to be more submissive to the degree it suits Mike.  Odd, but giving up such control should be scary – for instance, what if Mike was more demanding of me than I was to myself?  It seems like that my desire to please him would create more pressure than the desire to please myself.  But, it was just the opposite for me.  I don’t know why that is.  I guess I trust Mike so much and perhaps know that my expectations of myself can often be unrealistic, but Mike’s expectations of me never are.  It’s odd, but in order to achieve the level of submission I want for myself, I had to stop wanting it for myself and instead want it for Mike.

ENTERING THE FORBIDDEN ZONE
On top of this much improved emotional state is the fact I have been looking forward to our Immersion for some time.  Last year was intense, and I was so glad when it was over, but I look forward to doing it again.  I like that we have set aside some time to throw out our routine and experiment with some crazier kink.   It’s like going into the laboratory and just mixing up stuff to see what you get.  We have given ourselves permission to try things we wouldn’t normally want to try, explore new sensations and experiences, all for the sake of experiment.   It helps us all identify and separate what is pleasurable versus tolerable, or what is tolerable versus what is intolerable.  

Mike thought it would be good if we had a slogan for our Immersion each year.  Sort of way to “market” to ourselves a particular theme or idea.  We threw around some ideas and Mike picked one of mine as our slogan — Entering the Forbidden Zone!  

Here’s a preview:   

PUPPY
Day 1 is my “puppy” day where basically I am treated like a dog.  Eat (human food) and drink water from bowls, sleep on the floor, and use a litter box.  Okay, that last one would make me a cat, not a dog, but just go with it.   Mike engineered a human sized litter box.  And yes, it is for both peeing and pooping.  The added twist is that Kayla will address hygiene issues for “cleaning the dog.”   Ugh, similar to last years “activities of daily living.”   I’ll be bathed and groomed.  Mike had me not shave my legs, pits, or pubes for the last week or so.  Mike and Kayla will “groom” me.   I also can not speak and must get around on all fours and stay off furniture.   It also comes complete with leash and collar.

The odd thing is that none of us have a Pet Play fetish.  It reinforces an owner/owned dependency and Mike just thought it would be entertaining for all and challenging for me.  Not something I would have chosen, but I am game!

BABY GIRL
On Day 2 my pet play is over and it is Kayla’s turn.  She will be diapered and treated like a baby.  She too can only crawl, and has to be helped with bathing, dressing, and eating.  She can not use the toilet because, well, she’s a baby!  That’s what the diapers are for.  She also can’t talk – just whine or cry when she needs something.   This experiment comes complete with pacifier, bottle feedings, and a make-shift high chair.

SHIBARI SENSATION DAY
No, Shibari Sensation is not the stage name for a Japanese stripper, but you have to admit, it would be a good one.  Anyway, Mike said Day 3 will be focused on experiencing as many different sensations as possible.  He said, “It will involve some ice, some food, the wand, lots of clothes pins, some bengay, and a surprise.”  He also has purchased some more rope for bondage play and has “some hogties and various other tied up positions” he wants to try.  And he added, “and of course, this includes spanking and flogging and more!”   Oh my!

Country Time
Once at our secluded get-away, Mike said to expect a lot of nakedness, both inside the cabin and out.  The way he put it was, “Expect a lot of open air high-jinks.”   I hope this comes complete with plenty of mosquito repellent!

Mike also said there would be other things in store for us that we would learn about when the time comes.   Oh that creative man! 

 

 

  

 

149. Kayla Rises. A Submissives Manifesto

149

A few months ago Kayla “came out” to a male friend of hers, Daniel.  I point out that he is gay, not because it matters, but he is still in the closet to friends and family, except he has shared with Kayla.  They have a sibling-like relationship, always platonic, and we have met him on a few occasions.  When Kayla asked to share her (and ours) dynamic with him, Mike and I agreed.  

Kayla said that Daniel never asked a lot of questions when she told him and just accepted that she was in a relationship with an older couple and it involved some kink, namely Kayla being submissive.  

Daniel was over this afternoon visiting with Kayla and I guess it gave him an opportunity to see certain things and thus ask more questions about our dynamic.  It was a very respectful conversation, no judgement – just curiosity.   His visit and that conversation was uneventful to the point it wouldn’t even warrant a post about it, sans one bit of the dialogue.  

Daniel said something to Kayla like, “By becoming submissive aren’t you basically agreeing to allow yourself to be violated?”

Kayla’s response touched me and I felt I had to share it.

Kayla’s Response
 “Yes, Daniel, you could use that word, ‘violated,’ but I believe that word implies a lack of consent.  A better word is ‘challenged.’  I allow my character, my beliefs about myself, my personal integrity, my morals, my ethics – all of that — I allow all of that to be challenged.” 

“What it has meant to me is that I have found a new way to express the feelings and emotions that I have always had.  I express them in ways that are not self-destructive.  And I don’t believe I have “become a submissive.”  I believe I was always a submissive, but I just didn’t know it and had to find it buried inside of me.  I believe the only way to be a real submissive is to be real.  Be who you are, and for me, this is who I am.”  

“For the first time in my life I am truthful with myself.   My submission is about dedication to the truth – the truth in who I am.  I find I answer the questions I pose to myself with more honesty than ever before.  Because I must share my feelings with Mike and Jen, I have to give more thought to what I am truly feeling.  I can’t just give those feelings a fleeting thought and a hasty, ill-conceived and overly self-negative, conclusion.  I have to think through them more deeply as I have to be able to articulate them to Mike and Jen.”   

“Honesty is a harsh and harrowed path, but is the only path that allows happiness to bear its greatest fruit.  I have found that delivering the fullness of myself to Mike, and allowing that fullness to be challenged, or in your words, violated, I am able to find out who I truly am.  More importantly, I discovered that honesty and myself are enough.  Who I am is enough.  Enough for me, enough for Mike, enough for Jen, and enough for this world.”   

“And it isn’t as if I have reached some ultimate destination.  My excitement is that while I now feel “enough,” I know there is so much more for me to learn about myself and the world.  That my “enough” will not only continue to expand, but it will do so without me ever again feeling “less than.”  Life’s uncertainties no longer scare me.  Poor decisions and bad experiences of the past don’t weigh me down.”  

“I am a submissive, which is not to say I am submissive.  I am Mike’s submissive, but to the world I am Kayla, and I am strong, and I am smart, and I am worthy, and I am enough.”

WOW
I was practically crying when she finished.  Even now I have a hard time putting into words what her statement meant to me.  Frankly, what it means to me is secondary to what it meant to Kayla.  Of course, I had to have her repeat much of this so that I could get it all down.  I told her how much it moved me and made me feel so good that Mike and I played our part in helping her with this.

I shared before that Kayla was a bit of a wallflower, a bit shy, and very insecure,  “Was” being the operative word.  That Kayla is no more.  As she said, Kayla is strong, smart, worthy, and enough!   

NEXT: 150. Entering the Forbidden Zone

 


 

 

148. Dom/sub Therapy Session

148

My last post talked about my little spiral towards a self-pity party.  The trigger for this self-absorbed unhappiness was the challenges I was having in maintaining a submissive mindset.   Those frustrations with myself leached into frustrations towards others (such as Mike and Kayla).   This led me to my discussion with Mike that I shared in that last post.  

Before I get into how that discussion went, I want to give kudos to my man!  Mike is such a great listener and the perfect Dom for this submissive!  Kisses!!

THE DISCUSSION
After venting, I said I think I should give up trying to shape my thoughts to be more submissive.  I felt I just am not cut out to think that way and it is too hard to undo a lifetime of reinforced behaviors that were far from submissive.  I’ve conquered being submissive in my actions, and it has brought me great joy, but I can’t seem to keep my default thinking, my reflexes, from being non-submissive.  I told him I wanted to scrap the “think submissively” goal I had.   

HOW CAN I HELP?
After sharing my frustrations, Mike asked, “Is that it, or is there some way I can help you?”  

My answer?  I wasn’t sure.  Just like the “nail” video I linked to in my prior post, I think I just wanted to be heard and vent.  And it seemed simple that just reverting back to our “normal” D/s routine would fix it.    

Mike agreed it was good for me to vent.  But, he said that abandoning this “submissive thinking thing” could be a missed opportunity to get at the root of my challenge.  This could mean the issue is still there, unresolved, and can fester.  I admitted it was impacting how I treated others.  As he put it, I owed it to everyone, including myself, to find resolution.  He asked me if simply venting and abandoning this goal was enough to resolve whatever I was feeling.  

I admitted that it would not.  It sure would “take the nail out,” but, it wouldn’t identify why I struggled with it in.  

I WONDER IF?
I told Mike I’ve done the soul-searching and can’t identify why I am feeling and reacting the way that I am.  Mike said, “Do you think giving up is better than continuing the search?”   No, I do not.  

Mike then said, “I wonder if your frustration is really about your doubts of whether or not you really want to go “deeper” with your submission.  It might be, but let’s assume for a moment it isn’t that.  Let’s assume just the opposite.  That it is what you really want.  Then why the frustration?”

I said, “Because it is harder than I thought it would be.”

He replied, “So, I wonder if it were easy, you would want it, but because it is hard, you don’t?”

I had to admit that yes, I wanted it if it were easy.  Yes, I still wanted to think more submissively.  His response was, “Then why stop?”

I then went back in to the litany of things I listed on my prior post.  It would be easier if this, easier if that, etc., etc.  If those things didn’t exist, it would be easier, but because those things exist, it will never be easy, so why keep being frustrated?  I especially pointed out the things with our son.  His needs have been especially high, although they did just recently settle into routine again.  

Mike pointed out that the needs of our son are often a trigger for me.  A trigger into frustration over other aspects of life.  I know where he was going as we have had this conversation before.  I figured it out myself long ago.  When J’s needs increase, my stress increases.  As my stress increases, I vent it by being more controlling and demanding of others.  I then see others as obstacles to my happiness, and passive-aggressive tendencies emerge, jealousy emerges, and basically, the pity party is in full swing.

I told him that I get all that.  Been there, done that, too many times in my life.  I told him that because my attempts at “thinking submissively” were not going well, yes, it caused this spiral.  But I just want off the spiral – Now – and not incrementally over time as I improve towards my desired thinking.  I told him perhaps we just revisit this in a few months.

What Truly Matters?
Mike then said, “You have said many times that what truly matters to you is to be submissive to me.  You’ve said that your greatest enjoyment and pleasure has come from when I do things off script (the things not explicitly stated in our Contract).   You admitted just now that you want to think more submissively and your only reason for abandoning this is that it is ‘too hard.’  So here is what we are going to do.”  

He continued, “You are to no longer punish Kayla.  It is understandable that having to be part-Dom at times would make it hard to stay in a submissive mindset.”   

“Secondly,” he added, “our mini-Maintenance Thursdays will change.  You will journal all your non-submissive thoughts and we will review and discuss them on Thursdays.  The Thursday maintenance will always be the same.  5 with the prison strap, 5 with the cane, hard intensity, followed by 30 minutes sitting in the corner for reflection.  There will not be any other punishments for ‘not thinking submissively.’  We will continue these mini-sessions until I am satisfied you have reached your goal.

“Lastly, there will be no further discussion about this for a month.  You can bring it up at a Maintenance Session in a month if you have questions or concerns.  Oh, and one more thing, we will end today’s session with 10 hard from the strap and 10 hard with the cane.”  

That’s a hard ending to a Maintenance Session as most sessions have low to moderate spankings.  I didn’t question why he did that, nor do I care.  He was right, my greatest enjoyment and pleasure comes from him being Dominant in his own way, separate from anything we specifically outlined in our Contract.  

Retrospect
I am only one day removed from this, so don’t have the benefit of much thinking about this.  Part of me absolutely loved Mike’s actions, but part of me still wonders if this “submissive thinking” is a worthwhile goal.  Knowing that basically there is no punishments involved, other than what is scheduled for Thursdays, helps relieve a little bit of the pressure I feel.  — That statement may be easy to misconstrue.  The pain of a spanking doesn’t create pressure for me to perform.  Actually, the pain is very much a release, sort of absolution, for me.  It is about what the spanking represents… failure…and not about the pain… that serves as a deterrent. 

This experience highlights for me that my pre-DD ways are not far from the surface.  I can quickly devolve into my control-freak ways if I allow it.  Well, let me correct myself.  Now I can say, “if Mike allows it.”   Which apparently he won’t, as my bruised butt attests!    

NEXT:  149. Kayla Rises.  A Submissives Manifesto

147. Submissive Roller Coaster

147

I thought about what a graph would look like if I plotted my emotional state since adopting Domestic Discipline in early 2015.  On the left of the graph would be negative thoughts that deal with feelings of uneasiness and lack of fulfillment.  To the right would be happy thoughts dealing with confidence and satisfaction.  My graph would be trend very sharply upwards and to the right.

But growth in life is rarely a straight line up. Life plots out more like a roller coaster, with ups and downs. . . and it’s share of loops!  And if we are fortunate, when it is time to get off, we reflect fondly on the highs and have few, if any, regrets. 

After about 27 months of sharply going up and up and up, I’ve hit a bit of a downward trend.  I am confident I will reverse this through my usual positive self-reflective habits. But, I am not there yet. So what’s my funk about?

I’ve shared that lately I’ve been punished more so than usual – prompted by my own request of Mike.  I asked him to help me in subduing my non-submissive thoughts.  I want a greater level of submission.  I do not just want to just act submissively, I want to think more submissively.   This has been much tougher than I thought it was going to be.

I’ve shared some examples with you on prior posts. Here’s another recent one — I was talking to Mike about something to do with John and Donna and I said, “Well, let’s see what they think.” Mike punished me for my statement saying that I am fully aware of John and Donna’s dynamic and should have phrased it as, “Let’s see what John thinks.”

With each “mistake” in my thinking, I go deeper into over thinking.  Over thinking ways to not think in nonsubmissive ways.  Wow, that’s a mouthful to say, let alone do.  That heavy focus on my intentions has caused me to perform poorly (flash back to Post 30. I found my thrill).  Not only have there been numerous punishments for not thinking submissive, but I am getting in trouble for other things too.  

Ha!  That makes me smile.  I’ve never framed it before as “getting in trouble.”  That seems like a wrong way to state it, but, hey, the shoe fits!  

I’ve misplaced something – spanked, forgot to pick up a needed item at the store – spanked, left a mess – spanked, etc., etc.,   The more I concentrate, the more I Transgress.  It has even impacted my demeanor and the result?  I was punished for my “displeasing disposition” in response to something Mike said.  Adding to this has been an increasing sense of irritability.  Case in point – I had a dentist appointment this week (yea, no cavities!), and my appointment was a 9 a.m.  I arrived a few minutes early.  9:20 still waiting, 9:30, still waiting.  At 9:35 they finally attended to me.  

This is enough for anyone to be displeased or annoyed, but I was very upset by this – that is not normal for me.  My thoughts were, “I’ve got things to do and they are being disrespectful of my time.  I would be spanked for showing such disrespect.  How dare they be so flippant about it.”  

Suffice to say I’ve been troubled lately – moody, unfocused, and basically just out of sorts. 

TALKING WITH MIKE
I shared my feelings with Mike in my last Maintenance Session. Mike is a great active listener, even with his new Bachelors of Dominance (ha!).  People may view such compassionate listening as un-Dom like, but I believe it goes to the core of being a good Dom.  I also know such listening skills tend to be uncommon in men in general, and perhaps even more so in Doms. 

Here’s some quick comic relief. It made me think of something funny I came across before and was able to find again. Check this out – It’s Not About the Nail  It makes light of the generalization I just made about how men and women respond when the woman is in need.  Back to my story – 

Mike was able to help me identify the source of my uneasiness – I’ll get back to that in a moment. I first want to state that I give a lot of credit to my DD with how Mike is able to help me, even with things that have nothing to do with discipline.  While he has always been a good listener, pre-DD I rarely shared “problems” with him.  I wanted to be self-sufficient (remember, I had it all together!), and given my counseling background, I felt I shouldn’t have to go to Mike for counsel.  I was the “fixer” (much like the man stereotyped in the “Nail” video).  I  looked to solve my own problems, plus everyone else’s.  My DD requires that I share my feelings and it provides the structure in which to do so where I am comfortable and receptive to Mike’s feedback or guidance. 

So, what’s the source of my uneasiness?  Well. . . getting there is a bit like pealing an onion, one layer at a time.  While each layer is valid, they aren’t the core of the issue so you have to keep peeling.  So here were some of the layers that Mike was able to help me recognize:

  • My growing frustration with my failure to quickly master the new “skills” I desire.
  • That frustration leads me to doubt whether I truly desire this.  Maybe my subconscious is at fault for my failure, as a way of telling me I really don’t want this. 
  • Those doubts lead to other doubts about submission in general, and DD in general.
  • I see Kayla, a sub-newcomer, and half my age, (ahem, okay, a little more than half), quickly internalize the thinking I am striving for? Or at least think I am striving for.
  • I begin to view Kayla’s submissiveness towards me as interfering with my submissive mindset. How can a keep my thoughts submissive when there are times I discipline or have to direct Kayla?   If only Kayla didn’t need me and if only I didn’t feel compelled to help her that way.
  • If I really did fool myself into thinking I want this (deep submissive thinking), how did I let that happen? Do I feel in competition with Kayla, who gets enjoyment from a deeper level of submission than I do?  Did I tell myself, “Well, I can do that too, thus, I want that too.” Even though I really didn’t want it?
  • As I ponder that, I then start projecting my anxiety onto Kayla. I start interpreting her unique needs as somehow selfish of her (as if my unique needs are not selfish). Why did Mike do such-and-such with her? Why does she get to do that?  Why does she get such “special” attention?  I have been a bit intolerant of Kayla lately.  Not very nice. More in a passive-aggressive sort of way, but clearly, not nice.  
  • Sure, I asked for Mike to be strict.  I also asked him to focus on not just my behaviors, but my thinking.  Damn, does he have to do it so well?  Come on, give a submissive a break! He has got to be running out of creative ways to punish me. I am sure running low on wanting to tolerate those punishments.

SUMMER ROUTINE = LESS SUBMISSION
Adding to my mixed soup of emotions is the fact that transition from school to summertime means increased anxiety with J, and thus increased stress on me and the household in general.  

I’ve shared some things before about J’s special needs.  He always has a hard time transitioning, even just from day-to-day activities, but especially with big changes in his routine.  Back to school and the start of summer both mark big changes in his routine.  His already heightened anxiety is off the charts.  

We work hard to immediately go into a structured summer routine that resembles past summers.  This helps, as knowing in advance as to what is to come will help with his adjusting.  This also means lots of planned activities.  We do something every day – go to the park, go to a museum, go to a theme park, etc.  Primarily look for things that require him to walk as it is good exercise (for all of us) and he does better when he is kept active.  This also means a huge break in my submissive routine.  I am gone at least 2-3 hours of the day, sometimes Kayla comes with us as well.  Suffice to say, not getting my full dose of “submission” that I’d like.  That adds to my unfulfilled needs as well as serves to distract me from thinking submissively. 

So, what came of my talk with Mike?  A big spanking, that’s what!  I’ll share that on my next post.  But to be honest, it was a lot more than a spanking.  There was talking too. But still,  I didn’t post for a few days as I needed the benefit of time and further reflection to reconcile what happened.  Which I’ll write about on my next post. 

NEXT: Dom/sub Therapy Session

 

 

146. Slow Down!

SlowDown

Yesterady was a busy day and the five of us spent the evening out as a family, getting home later than usual and thus pushing our nighttime routine to later than usual.  Last night, after I finished up publishing my last post, Mike told Kayla and I that we would have a meeting in our bedroom.       

He said, “Both of you get naked and move the chair to the middle of the room.  Assume a submissive pose on the floor in front of the chair and wait for me to come in.”  

He went on to instruct us not to talk to each other or even giggle or smile.   Once in position we are to stare forward, even after he enters the room.  We were not talk to each other at any time. He said he wants our expressions and demeanor to remain solemn.  Humm..serious stuff?!?  We of course did as we were told. 

It was about ten minutes before Mike entered the room.  Our backs were to him when he walked in.  He walked up behind us and told us to close our eyes and listen intently to what he had to say.  

He said he had been doing a lot of thinking about how our dynamic has rapidly evolved. He shared that he is concerned that all three of us are moving too fast.  He said he is not concerned about where it could be headed, just that it is heading there too fast.  He felt we all needed to be more deliberate in our thinking about the fantasies we want to explore in real life and more deliberate in thinking through all the consequences, good and bad.  He also said that as we defer to him for many decisions, that what he was telling us actually applied more to him than to us.    

He pointed out my “coming out” to my sisters as an example of perhaps not thinking things through.  He took some accountability for that since he did, after all, approve my request to tell them.  He pointed out the “Rudy” incident as a warning signal of what could happen if we, and more specifically, if he, expanded our “circle of trust” in an undisciplined manner.   We were fortunate in that all of us read the clear “danger” signals that Rudy exuded, but what if he had been more subtle and what if one of us, especially him (Mike), didn’t pick up on that?   It could have resulted in a bad experience for me or for Kayla.  

Mike went on to say that he and I had attended some FetLife type functions in the past, and while we enjoyed them, concluded that they just weren’t for us.   His feelings were not changed after that recent party.  Our social circle and sex lives are very fulfilling and at this time he sees no upside to the potential risks or complications of pursuing those types of activities with others.  We are fortunate enough to have the three of us, and John and Donna, to explore various sexual adventures.   Per Mike, going beyond our “circle of trust” any time soon would be reckless.  

Thus he said we would not be attending any such functions in the near future.  Further, he told Kayla that she is not to pursue her “gang bang” fantasy and he would not be arranging it.  He told her that this was in no way a judgment on the fantasy itself.  He supports her safe sexual exploration and right now feels it is not the safest time for her to explore that.  He felt it wasn’t safe for her emotional development and that the risk factors were only compounded by the fact he just doesn’t trust anyone else beyond John.

He reminded Kayla that she has only been with us for five months, and in that time has transformed herself in so many amazing ways.  Physically she has transformed – losing 12 pounds, and shaving her head and eyebrows (which have already grown back quite a bit. She looks adorable in super short hair!).  And emotionally she has transformed – she is more willing to pursue new experiences, she is more extroverted, more conscientious of her own well-being, and just overall more self-confident.  He told her he doesn’t want to lose any of that momentum and right now he believes the timing is bad for her to pursue that particular fantasy.     

He then told us we can open our eyes as he took a seat in the chair in front of us.  He bent down a bit, with his forearms resting on his thighs with his hands clasped between his legs.  His face was close to us, just above our eye level.  He alternated looking intently into our eyes and told us he did not want to hear any comments about what he just stated.  He said he put a lot of thought into what he said, and out of respect, we need to put the same amount of thought into understanding, then expressing, our reaction.  He said we could share our thoughts at our next respective Maintenance Sessions.

He then said he loved us both, and was looking forward to the Immersion and that none of what he just talked about will take away from the intensity of what he has planned for us.   He then told us to face each other and remaining in our otherwise submissive pose, hold each others hands.  He set the timer on his phone for 15 minutes and told us to simply sit there quietly looking at each other while remaining in that pose.  When the time is up, we can then resume our bedtime routine.  He was going to take a shower and did not want to hear us talking the rest of the night unless he asked us something.  He wanted quiet and for each of us to reflect on the things he talked about.    

And reflect I have.  It’s all good, very good, at least for me.  I believe he is right in that we have been moving 100 miles an hour and need to take a pit stop.  That doesn’t mean we don’t resume our previous speed at some point, but a respite is warranted so we all can reflect and make good decisions.  Ultimately, I believe that Mike was saying, as our primary “decider,” that he needed us to slow down so that he can make the best decisions as possible on our behalf.  Another example of how wonderful Mike has been as a husband and as a Dom!

I don’t know for sure how Kayla feels yet.  We were not allowed to discuss it until our respective Maintenance Sessions with Mike.   Her demeanor seemed to indicate she fully accepted it as the loving geasture it was.  I’ll let you know if that was not the case!

NEXT:  147.  Submissive Roller Coaster

 

 

145. Another spanking / Immersion Preview

145Slippers

My M/s immersion is coming soon.  Exact date TBD as still coordinating with my parents.  That didn’t sound right.  I am not, of course, coordinating our M/s immersion with them – just the dates they will have my son staying with them.  My sister and her husband are also staying with my parents, as are her kids.  She’ll be a great help with my son as my parents are getting up there in age and the needs of my son can require a lot of physical and emotional energy.

Mike has shared a few things he has planned for us but is keeping a lot of it under wraps.  He wants to keep a “shock and awe” aspect to having to do the unexpected.  Oh my!

This led to another spanking!  I am beginning to think my Thursday canings/mini-Maintenance Sessions are unnecessary.  Mike calls those sessions at his discretion but has called them every week, (including tonight! – ouch!) since we began them about four weeks ago.   The purpose is to provide me added focus and release.  I’ve shared before that when I’ve gone a long period of time without a spanking I’ve actually asked Mike to give me one, “just because.”  He thought having these extra sessions would help.  I agree that they do, but only when I’ve been punishment-free for a while.   Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case lately but Mike has still called for these extra sessions.  I may ask him about that during our formal Sunday sessions.  

The recent string of punishments have had more to do with my thinking than they do with specific actions.  That’s consistent with the evolution of my submission that I shared in Post 143.   There was the spanking I just shared in my prior post, and also the one in Post 142.  There have been a few others.  

It isn’t all spankings and punishment.  There is plenty of dialogue too.  We have both talked about what it means to us to have me surrender my thoughts to him.  It is a delicate balance.  Neither of us intend for me to lose who I am.  I have a brain and I will use it.  Our intent is for me to not only be more outwardly focused on Mike and his needs and desires, but also to be more internally focuses on him regarding my internal “monologue.”   That’s an extremely submissive state of mind.  

I feel I have achieved the level of submission that we both desire regarding various acts of service (sexual and otherwise).   Other than our Immersion fun, I don’t crave more acts of service, nor does Mike.  We are aligned and in balance on that, which is a great and fortunate thing to achieve and something I do not take for granted.

What I am now craving is to purge certain thoughts I have.  Okay, purge may be unrealistic — but at least lessen the frequency of certain thoughts.  Thoughts that lead to actions.  Actions which are at the core of the Duties and Obligations that I not only imposed on myself, but also those that are important to Mike.  

I don’t know how long it will take to get to the state of mind I am looking for, but I think I am moving along that path very quickly.  Maybe more than half way already?  I don’t know.  Much of it was simply an awareness.  Now that I am aware, I am more in tune and deliberate in my thinking.  While some “wrong” thoughts crop up, I typically squash them in nanoseconds.  Plus, I find they are cropping up less often.   The best way I could put it is that my default thinking is becoming submissive and focused on Mike.  Before, I would frequently have non-submissive thoughts that I had to think through and “defeat” in order to act submissive.  It’s like retraining my mind, such that submissiveness is a reflex and doesn’t require thought.  

THE SPANKING
My latest punishment was when I told Mike that I wasn’t planning on blogging about certain aspects of our immersion because my sisters might read it.  Mike spanked me because he said my thinking was a violation of my Self-Care clause in our Contract.  He used a pair of slippers, which is actually a first for us.  When he started I thought, “Well, that doesn’t feel like much” but I learned even slippers can pack a whollup if used hard enough and with enough strikes.  Yep, a very red bottom indeed!

While not an explicit violation, he said it clearly violated the spirit and intent of that clause.  He said, “You are being Rewarded because you were going to sacrifice something that gives you joy because of your desire to share certain things with your sisters.  I will not allow you to set a precedent and start censoring your blog because of concerns about what they think.  You said you weren’t concerned about them thinking anything negative, so either you were being dishonest with yourself and me, or your weren’t. Either way, you will share those things in your blog and you will be spanked.”    

In hindsight, I don’t regret  telling my sisters about TTWD, but perhaps I shouldn’t have told them about my blog!  Mike also reminded me what he said back when he agreed to allow me to “come out” to my sisters.  He was prophetic in that at that time he said there is no way to anticipate all the implications and once out, there was no un-telling them.

It is unnecessary for me to worry about what my sisters will think.  For one, I’ve shared a lot of things that would be major embarrassments for most people to share with their siblings.  In addition, my relationship with my sisters is unbreakable.   We already share so much with each other and there is no judgement, only love.  So with that, here are things Mike has shared with me and Kayla about some of the things he has planned for us.

IMMERSION PLANS
Full Body Flog

He said that there would be a day of extended flogging, spanking, and other punishments.  He said while there would be the requisite focus on our butt and breasts, he was going to also focus on things we typically don’t include — thighs, back, stomach, legs, palms, feet, and yes, the pussy.  

Jen’s “Special” Day 
One of the days I will basically be an “animal” for the day.  I must not speak, must only walk on all fours, eat out of bowls, etc.  He is allowing me to use a straw to drink from — it’s hard for humans to lap up liquids.  Our tongues just aren’t designed for that.  The more undignified part of it is not being able to use the bathroom.  He has designed a sort of large litter box for me to us.   Oh the joy.  . . NOT.   Kayla will assist in any necessary hygiene issues.

Kayla’s “Special” Day
For one of the days Kayla will basically be a “baby” for a day.  No speaking, must crawl to move around, must be fed by others, and she will be diapered and not allowed to use the bathroom.   An exploration of DDlg / ABDL.   Not to mention what I shared before about the pursuit of her “gang bang” fantasy.  I know that is a harsh word, but it is the word she actually uses, so, that’s how we refer to it. 

Other Stuff
He said we will not be allowed to wear a bra or panties when we go out.  He actually has a particular sun dress in mind for each of us to wear.  The fit is such that the ta-ta’s and the vajay-jay are well covered as long as we stay aware of the position of our bodies.  Lean too far one way or the other, or bend over, and, well, someone is in for a show. Going bra-less is less of an issue for Kayla, whose perky breasts do a good job of standing up on their own, but for my 3-kids later droopers, it is very obvious when I am not wearing a bra.  

Some of the less salacious ignominious activities are a “zero tolerance” on non-submissive behaviors.   He is already pretty strict on this but, as he puts it, he normally doesn’t go looking for reasons to punish us.  He will during the immersion.  

The examples he gave were things like making sure we immediately stop what we are doing when he is talking and make eye contact with him throughout.  Another is showing that we are enthusiastic about what he says and asks of us and that we are ensuring he is comfortable and doesn’t need anything (sexual or otherwise).  A new thing he added, which I find interesting, is that when we do speak to him he wants us to touch him.  Not sexually – it could just be touching his arm or back.  He said, “no talking to me unless you have physical contact with me in some way.”   He said the only exception is if we are restrained or have been told not to move.   This sounds like a fun challenge.  See, not everything involves a punishment or sex!

Those things are just SOME of what he has planned.  Last year was both physically and mentally challenging and it sounds like this year will be no different.  Who would have thunk it back when I first had this “idea” to pursue domestic discipline!  Oh the places we go! 

Our immersion will start in four to ten days.  Still working on the firm date.  Like last year, I might not be posting during it but at least I’ll have some fresh material to share when it’s done.        

NEXT: Post 146.  Slow Down!

 

144. To ‘Sir’ or not to ‘Sir,’ that is the question. . .

144.ToSir

There’s a class participation request at the end of this post. Any ideas? 

Mike or Sir?
Mike asked me why, in my posts, do I always refer to him as “Mike” with the exception of using “Sir” when I am sharing specific dialogue?

Being in an increasingly submissive mindset, instead of answering him, I proudly said, “Sir, I will always refer to you as Sir from now on in my blog if that is what you want?”

He told me to bend over and he took off his belt and administered an Immediate Reward. I knew what it was for as this wasn’t the first time this occurred.  I failed to provide him an answer to his question.  Instead, I assumed he was displeased and  i assumed he was asking me to change.  In other words, I felt he was being dishonest in his question and it wasn’t really a question at all, but a request.   Thus, I was being disobedient for not answering him and assuming he had other unstated intentions.

When the Reward was concluded, he again asked me the question.  

“Sir, I purposefully do that in my blog.  I prefer to refer to you as ‘Sir’ when I am sharing what I said in a conversation.  Otherwise, I like to refer to you as “Mike.”  I look at it from the reader’s perspective.  You are not their “Sir,” you are mine.  And I want them to connect to you as person, as the regular guy you are.  If I only referred to you as Sir or Dom or any other title, the risk is that readers will attached their preconceived notion of what those terms infer about you, and some of those inferences may be wrong, or even negative.   As much as possible I want readers to understand you are a great husband, parent, and person.  You’re just “Mike” to them.  You are “Sir” to me!”

 Mike responded, “Fair enough, thank you!”

Such is the challenge a sub can have.  In my zest to want to please Mike and anticipate his needs, I may answer his questions in a manner I think will please him.  I forget that first and foremost, what pleases him the most is answering his questions as simply and directly as possible.  

He has told me before that each time we speak he isn’t always asking me to do something.  Sometimes he just has a question and wants a straight answer.   He’s told both Kayla and I that he doesn’t go for the, “Whatever you think, Sir” response.  That may be in violation of  Code 1516 of the Dom Handbook, but hey, it’s our TTWD, not anyone else’s.  

Mike said it would drive him crazy if each time he asked us our opinion the answer was, “Whatever you think, Sir.”  He feels that is a rude and disrespectful answer with the undertone of, “Duh, Sir, don’t you know I will shape my opinions to yours. Why do you keep asking me these things.”  I’ve received a few spankings in the past due to this as has Kayla (in fact, she got a lot of them for this early on as she was a bit over eager to please). Mike has made it clear that when he asks us a question or our opinion, he is expecting an answer and he doesn’t care if it fails to conform to his wishes or way of thinking.  If he has issues with our true feelings, we can then talk about it.  He believes that we can have “respectful disputation,” as Mike calls it, even with a D/s relationship.  I believe that too, and I am not just saying that, hee hee.

Of course, if the opinions being shared are about a particular action that needs to be taken, Mike is the ultimate decider.  After the respectful disputation he will make a decision and that is that, Kayla and I accept it.   

Three Cheers for BDSM Practioners! 
Check out this article, The Surprising Psychology of BDSM.  Us kinksters may be more “normal” and well adjusted than you think!   I’ll let you reach your own conclusions of how you interpret that study, but here is one of the positives they observed about BDSM practitioners:
“BDSM practitioners exhibited higher levels of extraversion, conscientiousness, openness to experience, and subjective well-being.  Practitioners also showed lower levels of neuroticism and rejection sensitivity.”

Class Participation
To ‘Sir’, or not to ‘Sir’- that is the question 
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
Spanks and nipple clamps of outrageous punishments 
Or to… humm… couldn’t think of a good line here.  
Or to…???    Any ideas?   

NEXT: 145. Another spanking / Immersion Preview