I was asked if was capable of a short post.
I was asked if was capable of a short post.
Don’t know how this post got in here. Maybe i started one, deleted one, or something. But it was here, and I didn’t want make a mystery out of where #17 went, so here it stays!
We all dream about sex. Do you dream about sex with a celebrity or a stranger? What does it mean to dream about having sex with your boss or a coworker? Do you find yourself dreaming about having sex with someone you do not even like or a family member? Are you dreams kinky and wild? You are not alone and I can guarantee that everyone on this planet has had at least one sex dream even if they do not remember it. So before you go getting yourself all twisted up about this crazy sex dream, message me at email@example.com and enter my dream of the month contest by sharing your dream with me. If your dream is selected, you will get a complimentary interpretation from me. I invite you to like and share my Facebook page “In Your Dreams by Laura Suzanne” and visit my…
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I was asked what’s been the most difficult part of my DD lifestyle. It’s being able to be discreet with a child in the home – DD isn’t always convenient. We’ve found ways to accomplish a Reward Ceremony when our son is home and awake, but it’s tough.
Other than that, the hardest thing had to do with my “sex clause.” In case you haven’t read my contract (please do), there is a clause that requires me to share my “sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, or fantasies.” This was only added to our contract last October, so it is still fairly new.
I found that it initially was the most difficult part of our contract, but it is getting a lot easier. It has been incredibly rewarding and Mike has reciprocated. I think having such frank and honest discussions about myself made him comfortable to share the same with me. But starting that conversation was very very uncomfortable, even after almost 25 years of marriage, we have never talked so frankly about sex. It’s funny because it is now getting to the point that when we share, the other person is like, “yeah, yeah, whatever.” We’ve come to understand that when it comes to what’s in our minds, we can all be sick as fuck and that is normal.
Couples Therapy Anyone?
Here’s some “couples therapy” to try if you want to have some amazing conversations with your partner. It’s only for couples who unconditionally trust in their love for their partner, and in their partner’s love for them.
– – – – If you’re insecure, then do not try this at home! – – – –
Sit down with your partner and have a discussion on the differences between sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies. Then, if you are so bold, actually share your sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies. Not only share them in that discussion, but do so each time you had such a thought, dream, desire, or fantasy. That is what Mike and I do!
Once you get over the terror and embarrassment, it becomes some of the most amazing conversations you will ever have with your partner. So step one for us was to agree on what the definitions where.
This is what we came up with for our definitions — any comments?
What is a Sexual Thought?
Any idea that pops in my head about anything sexual and that idea is fairly short lived is a sexual thought. Some examples include
What is a Sexual Dream?
A dream are those things you have when you are asleep. They are not those things you aspire or wish for, as we called those Desires. So, it’s simply sharing our sex dreams. These can get crazy and include all sorts of weirdness and physically impossible sex acts.
What is a Sexual Desire?
These are the things we aspire to do, where we have strong feelings of wanting or wishing for. The amazing thing about sharing these with your partner are that you can actually then do a lot of those things together. The worst thing is that you find they just aren’t into even wanting to try that. Yes, that just sucks, and not in a good way. Once you both share enough of your desires, you start to lose your concerns about shocking the other person or feeling embarrassed. Believe me, after almost 25 years of marriage and a lot of desires already acted out, our remaining desires were pretty shocking and embarrassing. Of course, then there are the desires that the other person can’t immediately fulfill for various reasons of which I’ll let your imagination determine. But even if you can’t fulfill those things with your partner, you can still talk about whether or not you both agree on pursuing that fulfillment. Here are some examples using the same situations from Sexual Thoughts:
What is Sexual Fantasy?
Ah! The things we fantasize about but wouldn’t actually want to do (for now) or that may implausible or impossible. I added the “for now” because sometimes a fantasy turns into a desire. For us, this exercise of sharing caused us to be so open and comfortable to sexually explore together, we both moved some things from the fantasy box to the desire box (and the “did that” box, giggle giggle). But mostly, the fantasies stayed fantasies. Again, using the same situations as before, the fantasy would look more like this
The fantasies are definitely the most fun and outrageous while also potentially the scariest to share. Again, you must have complete confidence and trust in your love for each other with no hints of insecurity, else sharing these will cause distrust and jealously.
What did we share?
Of the fantasies I shared with Mike, probably the most shocking to him was the group sex/orgy fantasy with men and women that included Mike in the mix. Also there was the “stranger in the night” fantasy as I call it where I have sex with some random stranger, man or woman, and never know who they are, not even a name. He also was pretty shocked at some of the humiliation type fantasies I have. Mike asked me if I had any rape fantasies. I would say the answer is no, but some similar elements. For me that fantasy is more about being dominated with permission, and the dominant then won’t stop when I want them to. They aren’t hurting me badly, but I definitely want them to stop and they won’t. Oh, and that dominate can be male or female depending on my mood.
Of the fantasies that Mike shared with me, some of the more shocking ones were that his fantasies often involved me, either lots of people watching me or having sex with me. He also had some pretty far out humiliation/submissive type fantasies. By far the most shocking to me was the sharing me with a bunch of guy, like five or six at a time.
We did find one fantasy in common and that is I often fantasize about being the “center of attention” (COA). Groups of people watching me masturbate or have sex. Mike said he also fantasized about me being the COA. So, if we both have the same fantasy does that mean we act on it? Of course not, at least, not necessarily or not completely. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Sharing is not a one time proposition. The fantasies don’t change that much but thoughts, dreams, and desires do. Plus, all of them can recur over and over again. We’ve got to a nighttime routine where we share our sexual thoughts of the day. It can be comical and fun at times. It means Mike may tell me about where his mind went at work because someone wore a low-cut blouse that day, or I may tell him I had visions of dick while I had a banana that day.
Our DD lifestyle has opened us up in so many ways, and sexually is one of those ways. We have sex just about every night, and a good number are marathon sessions. We’ve found we have to go to bed earlier so that we can still get a good night’s rest. After all, one of my self-care requirements is that I get good rest. I’ll joke with him that we both need to cum quick else he will have to spank me for staying up too late. Hum….maybe if he did the latter, we could accomplish the former?
That leads me this…. Is spanking a part of sex for us? Prior to DD, no, not really. Some light spanking sometimes when we did doggy, but that’s it. Now, we actually both spank each other. Not the “bend over for a spanking” spanking, but the slapping of the ass as we fuck…and sometimes some very hard slapping. While the “bend over” type spankings are reserved for Transgressions, overall our sex is more physical. He slaps my breasts and pussy harder than before, and I slap his cock harder than before. We also use a lot more toys than before and I almost always wear the nipple clamps during sex. Overall there is more physical “pounding” of our bodies and at the same time a lot more “play” that isn’t just penetration.
Okay, I thought maybe I could distract you with changing the subject. I know what you’ve been wanting to ask since about half way through this post. “So, Jennifer, what things went from the “fantasy” box to the “desire” box to the “did that” box?
That will have to be for another post!
Next – 17. Short Post
There’s a lot of detail I want to share about my first punishment. It will help you understand a typical day, plus there were a lot of extra emotions and issues that come with it being the first time I would be punished. Also, you may have to read my blog about the contract to understand some terms I use.
Mike and I tried to prepare ourselves for the first Reward Ceremony. We talked about it and I imagined it as being extremely orderly and precise. I had a lot of confidence in what I painstakingly thought through and that we agreed upon. At this time all my doubts were on his ability to deliver the Rewards and no doubts about my ability to accept them. I was ready, but questioned his readiness.
Usual morning. Mike gets up before me and is off to work about the time our son is waking up, which is typically my cue to wake up. Yes, I don’t make Mike breakfast – that was never our dynamic. My DD is about being more accountable to what was important to me and to us and not about finding more shit for me to do.
Mike’s office is close to the house and he sometimes works all or some days from home. This morning he was going into the office but planned to be back for lunch. Our son would be away at school.
Mike comes home just before noon. All is “normal.” I share with him a story of something that happened that morning at breakfast, and suddenly he says,
“Go to your room.”
I was stunned. I stood their baffled and said, “What?”
He calmly repeated. “Go to your room.”
Again, I am clueless and all these thoughts raced through my head. What the hell did I do? Is this all a mistake, because if Mike can just make shit up, this isn’t going to work. OMG, I am going to get spanked and everything I thought this was going to do for us was a mirage and all this time and energy was a waste and OMG, I am going to get spanked.
“uh, wha…uh, uh… okay,” I muttered, keeping those thoughts to myself as I walked towards our room.
I am not a big crier, but I found myself crying as I walked to our room. It was out of disappointment that this whole DD idea that I had invested so much time and energy in and had so much high hopes for, was not just off to a bad start, but was never going to work. However, the one calming factor in that moment was that Mike was calm. This gave me some reassurance that I needed to trust him. I also started to feel embarrassed and disappointed in myself as the night before I was doubting Mike on his ability to follow through and was very arrogant in my ability to do so. Now here I was with all the doubts and hesitations, not even knowing what I did and he was calm and resolved.
I was still sobbing as I undressed and stood in the corner. Mike didn’t come in for about five minutes, which felt like an eternity.
Mike broke “protocol” a bit by trying to comfort me since I was crying. He asked if I wanted to proceed. I feebly told him “yes, please, let’s do this,” and reassured him that it was just nerves.
He called me over and I stood before him and he asked me why we were there. I honestly did not know. I was simply sharing a story about that morning, and now here we are. Damn, does he remember that not knowing my Transgression is grounds for Additional Rewards?
Mike then explained that I had not been honest in my story.
“What, what are you talking about?” I couldn’t help myself and blurted that out.
Mike pointed out something I said at the beginning of the story and something I said at the end. To summarize, I started my story by characterizing what happened as being a “huge” ordeal that made a “massive” mess. At the end of my story Mike asked me if it took a long time to clean up. I said, no, it was just a little mess. So, here we are in the room and Mike rhetorically asked, “Which one was it, was it a huge mess all over everything, or just a little one?”
He now lectured me. He was very calm and matter of fact. He reminded me that I specifically asked for help with my “embellishments.” I recognized I had that bad habit when telling stories. While I felt my motives were pure, I knew it caused some friends and family to not always believe me. Thus, I had specifically put “embellishment” in the Honesty clause. Wow, there it was. Mike called it perfectly, just as I had hoped the night before.
But I kept crying. However, my emotions shifted to tears of relief, hope, and vindication for all the work I put into this, and sadness for doubting Mike, and love for Mike’s resolve and love for me to see this through. In an instant I went from doubting DD to once again feeling like DD still held promise.
Now Mike said there was still more Transgressions and asked if I recalled them. I realized there were three. The embellishment, the questioning of him, and the not recognizing the reason he called me to our room. I eagerly recited them.
“No, there are five,” Mike responded. “You talked back and hesitated when I first told you to go to the room.”
Okay, I remembered those now, so I said, “I see. Those two make it five.”
He joked, “Well, I was just counting the talking back and hesitation as one, but technically it is two. Tell you what, for first time sake, we’ll just have that count as one. There is still one more. The bed’s not made.”
Crap, I hadn’t even noticed. We have a long standing “ritual” that the last one out of bed has to make it. While it wasn’t explicit in the contract, it definitely fell under the cleanliness clause. Wow, Mike wasn’t missing anything.
I gave my apology for not living up to the standards I set for myself and told him I would gladly accept the Reward he is about to give me. That statement ends with, “Please give me my Reward now.”
I have vivid memories of the first time I said it as part of a Reward. It had a lot more power to it than I imaged it would. It was like a statement of having pride of ownership. Yes, I messed up. Yes, I didn’t act as I wished I had. Yes, give me my reward as I asked for it. In saying the words my tears began to dry up as I was no longer nervous.
He pulled out a chair, sat down, and I laid across his lap. We fumbled a bit to find the right position that was comfortable for him and that kept my balance. It was a bit comedic, and the comedy relief helped even more to calm the nerves. He lectured me a bit more, recapping what brought us here. He was spot in in his lecture and really showed me he was listening to all the things I said were important to me. He didn’t lecture me on my actions, but that what brought us here was not fulfilling the commitments I made to myself. Mike was handling it like a “pro.”
Here come the warm-up swats.
The 10 warm up swats came in rapid succession but I can recall my thoughts in the half-seconds between them. My thoughts went something like this:
Swat! The first one made me jump, not because it was particularly hard, but I just didn’t know what to expect. My body said “flinch” but my mind was like, “that wasn’t’ anything.”
Swat! Okay, just a little flinching this time, and still in the nanosecond before the next one my mind was still saying, “That wasn’t anything.”
Swat! Swat! Swat! No flinching anymore, but I was beginning to understand it. Spanks were sort of a cumulative thing. They still didn’t hurt, per se, but I could feel a little bit more sting.
Swat! Swat! Swat! Hey, that does sting a little.
Swat! Swat! Okay, so, a little sting and some increased sensation to my butt, but not bad. I guess that’s why these are called warm ups.
Here come the Reward Swats
My mind began to race with what would be next. Five Transgressions including Obedience Transgressions which we agreed should be dealt with more significantly. Mike didn’t say what the Reward was (he doesn’t have to). Was I going to get just a lot of Common Rewards, an escalated Reward, or gulp, an Intense Reward on my first Ceremony? After all, no one was home and he didn’t have to rush to work, so, we could be here a while. The not knowing was more of a punishment than the warm up was. And since this was our first one, it would be setting the precedent for others to come. Surely it wouldn’t start out as Intense?
Swat! Flinch. “Oww” Wow, first one was a stinger.
Swat! Swat! Swat! Flinching with each one and by now had a grimace on my face and my jaw clenched.
“Relax” Mike said, as I was also clenching my butt.
Then about five more swats in and my flinching increased and I started to cry again.
“Try to be still or you’ll fall off my lap” he said, continuing to swat away.
While the spankings were having a cumulative effect with each one stinging more than the prior one, my crying wasn’t about the physical sensations. Physically this was uncomfortable, but bearable. I think it was a release of emotions from all that went through my mind the previous ten minutes or so and I did feel shame.
Mike slowed his pace but kept spanking me. At one point he paused and I sensed my crying was influencing him. I broke protocol by talking, but hey, it was our first time at this and he had already broken it a few times. I blabbered something like, “Do as we talked about, I love you.”
He resumed the swats. I hadn’t kept count, but it seemed like a long time. It was odd but I stopped flinching much and my sobs decreased along the way, but my ass was stinging more and more.
He stopped and asked me to stand.
“Wow,” I thought to myself, “that felt like close to 100.” Turned out it was 50 – basically 10 per Transgression. So with the warm ups, my first Reward Ceremony was 60 spanks.
We embraced until I fully stopped sobbing. He did ask if I was okay and I told him I was fine, in fact, I was so happy that he did exactly as we talked about. I apologized for not making it easy on him with the arguing and crying. He reminded me that no specific apologies are ever needed or expected at this point in our Ceremony. I reassured him I was not crying over any physical pain and the tears were all positive. He said “All is forgiven.” I replied, “All is forgiven.” And that concluded our first Reward Ceremony.
I got dressed, washed up, and walked out of the bedroom with an amazing feeling. A rebirth, a reawakening, and a redemption. I was refreshed and recharged. I don’t know what all chemically was going on in my body, but it felt good. Mike greeted my entrance with a quick kiss and we sat down and had lunch. He said he was going to log on from home for a bit, but would have to return to the office in a few hours. He went to his home office and that was that – all as if nothing happened, just as I had hoped. The issue was settled, it was done. Life moves on.
I had this amazingly energy, and went about accomplishing the things I needed to do that afternoon. I was loving life!
MORE TO COME ON DAY 1
I was sitting at the computer when Mike came out of his home office and said he had to go back into to work. He went to the kitchen to grab a soda and then suddenly I hear
“Hey Jen, please come here.”
Hum, while it was very calm and polite, it was direct. Normally it would be, “can you please come here.” I was wondering what was up and quickly found out. Immediately upon walking into the kitchen, Mike says,
“Drop your pants.”
Oh crap, I saw it. I left various trash out around the kitchen counters. I had specifically reminded Mike that I wanted him to hold me accountable if I left the kitchen without throwing my trash away. It took a second for me to mentally process the fact he was calling for an Immediate Reward. We had talked about how Immediate Rewards can be effective by having them administered “at the scene” of the Transgression by tying my presence in the location to the memory of the Reward. As I unbuttoned by pants I actually smiled a little as I was proud again of Mike in seeing this through, and that this time I recognized the Transgression. The only negative thought I had was, “what would this feel like after already been spanked 60 times.”
As I unbuttoned and pulled down my pants and panties, it bought me a few seconds to take a quick glance at the several nearby windows. There was one in particular where the angle would have to be just right, but a neighbor could potentially see my exposed ass and spanking if he happened to be in the right spot in his yard. I didn’t say anything and stuck with our agreement bent over and held the edge of the counter as Mike instructed me.
Swat! Mike gave 10 rapid and firm spanks. The last 4 or so really stung. I made grunt-like sounds towards the end. No crying this time. He asked me why I earned the Reward and I confidently and correctly answered. I apologized and Mike then gave me the second-half of the Immediate Reward.
Swat! 10 more in rapid succession. This time all but the first few really stung and I actually got out an “ow” or two near the end. He asked me to pull my pants up. We embraced and followed our After Care process and ended with “all is forgiven.” He gave me a kiss and left for work.
I went on with my afternoon with the same exuberance and energy I had prior to the Immediate Reward and this time with added pride that we flawlessly executed a Reward on the first day. In addition, my butt was now a little sensitive. I felt more confident than ever that we were on the right track.
The Toothpaste Cap.
The rest of the afternoon and evening was fairly typical with the exception of my high energy. I got so much done that day regarding errands and housework. I even reorganized my closet. One uncommon thing was that Mike called me on his way home to ask if I wanted him to pick us up some dinner. I was used to calling him anytime I didn’t feel like cooking to ask him if he wanted to cook or pick something up, but he never called me first. I’ll accept it was out of guilt if that’s what you think, but I opt to accept it as just being thoughtful, and was the first of many such thoughtful things he would routinely begin to do.
Our evening progressed normally. That night I got ready for bed before him and was laying in the bed making my first journal entry when he came in. I heard Mike turn on the shower but then he poked his head out from the bathroom door and asked me to come to him. I already knew that look. It was the same look as the “kitchen incident” that afternoon. I went into the bathroom and immediately knew. There was a big dollop of hand cream that I dropped on the sink counter, I left my brush out, there was a lot of water all over the counter. Yikes, I didn’t clean up after myself. Mike administered another Immediate Reward there in the bathroom.
He asked me to drop my pajamas and panties. He had me grab my ankles this time versus holding on to the counter, and, he grabbed the hairbrush.
Smack! Smack! Smack! The hairbrush made a higher-pitched smacking sound compared to his hand, and while the first couple smacks were fine, I really felt some major stings by the third. I was saying “ow” louder and louder with each one.
I was about to say my safe word to have him pause, but I just made it to 10 and then he stopped. He asked me why I earned my reward, and I was able to accurately explain the mess I left. Mike added, “Oh yeah, and I can’t find the toothpaste cap.” I made my apology and he lectured me a bit and explained the hairbrush was used because this was the second time my transgression was about tidiness that day and it was one of the things I didn’t put away. He then gave me the second-half of the Immediate Reward, but fortunately he used his hands.
Swat! Swat! They didn’t sting as much as the hair brush but they hurt more than the ones from the morning. By the end I was taking deep breathes to keep my composure. Finally the 10th swat with his hand and it was over. It was now after care and “all is forgiven.” He took his shower and I cleaned up and went back to journaling.
I always remember how that day ended in a Reward because although it played a minor role, I like to jokingly trivialize that memory as the toothpaste cap incident.
That night when I journaled, I recognized how that day would have gone prior to DD.
What would I have written if this day occurred Pre-DD, and what did I actually write?
Pre DD: “What a pissy ending to a pissy day. Several heated arguments with Mike. I resent this and I resent that…. I am so mad…. I hated today.
Actual: Peace, contentment, and love between Mike and I. I accomplished so much today and have an increased awareness to avoid embellishments, do my chores, and keep things clean. All great steps towards being the person I want to be for myself and my family. I loved today.
And I had 100 spankings to thank for that.
I had promised to share my first Reward session in this post, but I thought of one more important item to address before doing that. While I will get into sharing some of the specific experiences that served as unique “landmarks” in my DD journey, I decided first it was important to share a few things I learned about DD in our year of practicing it. So, here’s the good, the bad, and the growing sexual subtext.
I thought DD would have to be a constant focus, but it has just become normal in my day-to-day life. It doesn’t even seem like a “thing” anymore. We just do it. We’re just used to it. It is part of who we are.
DD has been more effective in quickly helping me love life, every moment, every day, than I could have imaged. I am happier than I’ve ever been, things are better than they’ve ever been with my relationship with Mike and my kids. Things are more orderly (a sort of a managed chaos, so not perfect, but at least managed).
Mike and I are truly one. Mike and I never fight. Literally never. Not figuratively, and not literally as in the way the word literally gets use to describe something figuratively – but the old fashioned sense of the word “literal.” We just do not argue. Now, argue is not the same as disagree. We do disagree. Less than before, but a disagreement is not rare. The difference is we have this amazing mechanism for handling it. We respectively address everything in a timely manner.
In addition, Mike looks for opportunities to help me. He is a partner in the things that are important to me, more than he ever was. He is more attentive to me emotionally. I cannot describe the feelings we have for each other, other than to say we are one. As the U2 song goes, “we are one, but not the same…” That’s us.
I don’t think it is believable to say there is no bad. But, nothing comes to mind that I honestly can say is a bad consequence of our decision to get into DD. Not to say there weren’t a bad moment or two when we first started living it (like my first spanking), but those were moments in time and not something ongoing. The first thing that comes to mind when I think of what I don’t like about our DD relationship is that it can be so damn inconvenient. That’s primarily because we have a child in the house. It is very common for us to administer spankings only after Mike has to turn the televisions up, lock our bedroom door, turn on the shower, and we go into our bathroom or master closet.
Growing Sexual Subtext?
At first I felt sex and DD were distinct, but I’ve come to see that they are definitely related. Not the same, but related, and we can thank human physiology and psychology for that.
Okay, so if it is similar but not the same, how is it different? I guess that is where it depends on the person. I imagine many people are so sexually turned on by spanking that it is very much like sex. For them, spanking is sex. I get it. That’s just not me. I do feel a sexual stimuli. I know it is there, I recognize it often, but it is faint. The best analogy I can think of is spanking is to sex like alcohol is to getting drunk (at least for me). Now there are flaws in that analogy, but here’s my point – I can have a drink and not get drunk. I can be spanked and it not be sex.
However . . .
I do recognize a growing sexual subtext in our DD relationship. We started with nothing sex based, and now have several sexual based items in our contract. I often think about what led me to want those in the Agreement (they were my idea). Clearly it is that I get a level of sexual gratification from a spanking. As I said before, for me, that gratification is present, but it is light – but it’s good, and just a little good, so, I want a little more, and a little more, like a drug. And the brain is very much treating it like a drug. So, I need to increase the sensations and thus increase the punishments. I am VERY AWARE OF THIS. I often think about what this means as we continue on our journey. I want to keep our sex life distinct from my Rewards. Right now it is, but I can see where it could be heading. This is partly why I wanted a two year agreement this time around. I didn’t want to be tempted to add more sexual based Rewards. I do sense the desire will be there when our contract expires. I have to commit to some boundary. I’ll deal with that when the time comes.
Okay, next post I will share our first experience where Mike spanked me.
In setting out to blog my plan was to share my approach to DD. I have now done that. Now what?
WHAT TO EXPECT FROM MY POSTS
I plan to post some experiences that were significant milestones towards once again loving life, every moment and every day since beginning our DD journey.
Not sure. Blogging may bring out a different side of me. I sense people like salacious details, like a steamy sexually charged romance novel, but I am not wired to write that way. Not that I won’t, but it just isn’t a default for me to write like that. If you already haven’t figured it out, I tend to be more “performance based” in my thinking – Sharing what my motivation was, what I was thinking, what I intended, what the outcome was.
So, instead of, “I blinked my eyes into focus to dry away the forming tears as the sting of the paddle bit hard into my ass such that I had to catch my breath, eliciting both regret and euphoria while my throbbing nipples called to me for relief…”
I will tend to say, “I was surprised that in addition to some pain, my spanking delivered a certain degree of pleasure…but damn, those nipple clips can hurt”
I’ll try to keep in mind that people like to visualize the emotion, versus just hearing me state the emotion.
I will address one more thing here and one more on another post today.
DO I HAVE BLOGGING RULES AS PART OF MY DD?
Yes and no. I do have an obligation to journal daily, but no obligation to blog. We established that blogging is not journaling and while I blog I still am subject to the terms of our DD Agreement.
I especially have to be honest and safe, and like any pursuit it can not interfere with my Duties and Obligations. So, honesty means I must be truthful in my posts, and not embellish – which is something reinforced by my very first Reward which perhaps will become Story #1 that I will share later. Safety means I had to be safe with our personal information. Mike did agree I could use our real first names. Someone who knows us who finds our blog might reasonably suspect it is about us, but we figure the chances are low and it would be an innocent way for us to “come out” to them (which we have done to one set of friends already. Perhaps that is story #2?).
Mike can read my posts, although thus far he says he hasn’t had the time but does plan to do so. I can’t wait to hear his comments.
The length of this post will probably discourage you to read it, but I am so proud of our “creation” that I wanted to share it in its’ entirety.
Although we wanted a simple contract, we also wanted to be concise regarding intent, as there is a lot that is left to Mike’s discretion. Remember, this is our third iteration of a contract and some of the details were added to specifically address real-life situations that came up so that the contract would continue to guide Mike as close to my wishes as possible. If you read my other posts, you know that my version of DD is a selfish one where the rules are established on my terms.
I am happy to answer any questions about any part of this.
So, if you have some time to kill, have at it. – and I apologize in advance for some formatting glitches as this didn’t copy and paste well.
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Domestic Discipline Agreement for Mike and Jennifer
Table of Contents
Whereas Mike and Jennifer wish to voluntarily and without pressure from the other or from anyone else, wish to enter into a loving, caring, and consensual agreement regarding their obligations to one another for the Purpose stated below.
SECTION I. PURPOSE. Establish a caring, consensual, fair set of obligations and duties that will have a positive impact on the life of Mike and Jennifer by codifying and reinforcing their commitments to one another with the purpose of helping Jennifer live the life she desires for herself, thereby allowing her to love life, every moment, and every day. The word “always” is intended to precede every condition set forth in this agreement, even if the word “always” was not used, as Jennifer and Mike agree to always be bound by the Agreement without exception, during the term of this Agreement.
Mike’s statement of intent for entering into this Agreement: Jennifer, I love you with all my being and admire and respect all that you do for me and this family. I commit to always treating you in the manner you want to be treated and together we can continue growing our love and respect for each other. Thank you for your tremendous trust and confidence, and most importantly, for your love. I enter into this agreement with the promise to adhere to your wishes in helping you fulfill the obligations you have committed to.
Jennifer’s statement of intent for entering into this Agreement: Mike, I can’t thank you enough for taking this journey with me and having the love and respect necessary to do this. I have always held myself to high standards, first and foremost to myself, but also for you and our kids. I take responsibility for myself and I wholeheartedly enter into this Agreement with you as it was my idea and largely of my writing. This Agreement gives me the framework, with your assistance, to help me meet my own standards more consistently. I surrender so much of myself to you because my love, respect, and trust in you is without end.
SECTION II. DEFINITIONS.
SECTION III. EFFECTIVE DATE, TERM, AND RENEGOTIATION
SECTION IV. DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS
SECTION V: REWARDS
SECTION VI. MAINTENANCE SESSIONS Maintenance Session are weekly meetings (typically Sunday evenings) where Mike and Jennifer meet to discuss the events of the week and for Jennifer to receive Maintenance Rewards both at the beginning and the end of the Session. The Maintenance Session will follow this order.
SECTION VII. Journal Requirements
Jennifer shall keep an adequate hand-written daily journal that Mike will check at Maintenance Sessions. Entries do not need to be written in complete sentences and there is no requirement that it be a certain length – however, it must be easy to read and must be easily understood. “Adequacy” is at Mike’s discretion. The journal must be stored in the safe in the master closet. The journal will consists of daily entries regarding:
Our contract had these sections:
3. Term and Renegotiation.
4. Duties and Obligations.
6. Maintenance Sessions.
7. Journal Requirements.
We started the agreement with a preamble that clearly stated what we both were looking to get out of this. Basically stated our intent to create a caring, consensual, fair structure of rules and responsibilities that would positively impact our life and relationship by reinforcing our commitments to one another, thereby deepening our intimacy, respect, and love.
We took time to define a few terms so that it was clear those terms would have the same meaning and impact to both of us.
Term and Renegotiation
This addressed how long the contract was good for and how we would renegotiate the contract at a specified time.
Duties and Obligations
This is where we state the behaviors I was agreeing to. We then created rules around the 3D’s: Dishonesty, Disrespect, and Danger, but reworded them in the positive of Honesty, Respect, and Safety.
We wanted to keep the rules simple. We knew we couldn’t be referring back to the contract every time something happened to see if I broke a rule or what the punishment should be. But we also needed to be on the same page regarding what actions had consequences and what those consequences would be. I believe we found a balance but we probably ended up with a little longer contract than we intended. What we found was that as we “lived” the contract, it became easier to identify actions and consequences without having to refer to the contract. Also, regardless how short or long the contract is, it should not be used as an arbiter. My husband is the only arbiter. He is the judge and the jury. The contract only helps provide him guidance on the appropriate sentence but he is still free to deliver any punishment he deems necessary and I must accept it. You’ll see that we did provide some checks and balances through the Maintenance Sessions that would give me an opportunity to seek clarification if I felt a prior punishment exceeded the contractual terms.
So here is how we tackled each of the Duties and Obligations:
We ended up calling the punishments “Rewards” and the act of receiving the punishments was the “Reward Ceremony.” Also, my infractions would be called “Transgressions.” We established a procedure for receiving a reward and agreed upon the overall framework of tying certain transgressions to certain rewards. Again, it was important to state that ultimately Mike had full discretion in giving a reward. We would go back to the contract when a reward was needed as it may not always be timely or possible, but the contract would serve as a reference and we would use our Maintenance Sessions to help ensure consistency.
I explained our approach to Maintenance Sessions in the prior post, so won’t repeat it here. Suffice to say I set up a fairly detailed process that took us some time to learn as I used this as one of the “controls” in the contract. As I explained in a prior post, it allowed for the opportunity for me to clarify certain things that occurred during the week.
I am required to journal daily and I have to hand write the journal. We agreed on the things I would write about and that I would share the journal with Mike. Journaling is great for self-reflection and hand-writing it causes you to write more in the moment, no editing.
So that’s it. The only thing left to show you is our contract. That’s coming next.
NEXT – 12. The Contract
This is going to be a lengthy post as there are so many important points to share about creating a DD contract with your husband. Not every couple actually creates a contract, but I believe most do. I can’t imagine not having one.
The exercise of writing the contract was cathartic. We had to reveal very personal thoughts and feelings and talk about things we never talked about in 20+ years of marriage and couples would never have reason to talk about absent putting together a DD contract. I wonder if putting together a DD contract would be good couples therapy, even if you never planned on going through with it?
Oh, remember when I said my life changed on March 17, 2015. That was the date of our initial contract. (Renegotiation is something I’ll explain in a bit). We made some changes at the 30 day mark. We made our second contract good for six months and then our latest contract is good for 2 years. We are more confident and comfortable in what we are doing and thrilled with the results. It is that confidence and the success we’ve had that led me to decide to blog about my experience.
Tips to writing the contract: I will share an overview of our approach and what we learned, and then I will share our actual contract with you on my next post.
I describe the authorship of our contract as somewhat collaborative, but I had the lead. I know some DD relationships are based on the man setting the rules. That wasn’t happening here. This was about me surrendering myself to him, but it was a surrender on my terms. It was a gift I was giving him, and I got to pick out the gift – with some suggestions from him. Note some DD relationships explicitly say the woman is not giving a gift, as it is not hers to give, but is for her husband to take. That’s not our version of DD.
Don’t overwrite: At first we found ourselves putting in too many details. You need to resist this as ultimately a DD contract is one of utmost trust in your partner and one of you submitting yourself to them. If you water it down by trying to precisely prescribe every action, you take away power from your partner and are basically saying you do not trust them. In addition, too many rules make the contract hard to follow and enforce, and will just bring frustration.
Think of the contract as a place to set basic expectations, and to refer back to for clarification of each other’s intent, but never to be used as a rule book to decide what action will be taken. I was clear with Mike that I wanted him to take the action he deems appropriate and then we can refer back to the contract later if there are questions as to whether that action was in the spirit of the contract. Doing so ensures that we ultimately stay consistent with what I intended while both not interfering with the power I am giving him and not causing a delay in punishments. We concluded it was better to receive a punishment that ultimately is agreed to be outside my intent than to have had the punishment delayed because you had to find and interpret the contract. Lastly, as we have now renegotiated our contract for the third time, there have been clarifications that we added to address ambiguities that arose that either I or Mike felt necessary to clarify and codify. That’s another reason it is good to put a term limit on your contract. I’ll talk more about our renegotiation process later.
Words are Power
I highly recommend taking time to talk about the meaning of the words you use in the contract. I took our contract seriously and once signed there was no going back. I wanted to be fully committed to seeing it through and living with the consequences.
It is important to ask your partner what a word or concept means to them to ensure you both have a common understanding. I recall there were many words we spent a lot time talking about. Here were the words and concepts I recall as being the most important to us to ensure we were on the same page.
Now you understand a bit more about our approach to the contract. Eventually I will share the actual contract, but next I’ll share an overview of how we structured it.
So…Mike has asked me what type of punishments I was talking about. I purposely didn’t want to talk specifics. I didn’t want the focus to be on punishments. I wanted the focus to be on my duties and obligations and the outcome. But I knew the punishment had to be addressed. It is the most salacious, intriguing and shocking thing of DD. I had to come up with something to say that would satisfy him for now, but wouldn’t get us into the details.
Again I went into the mode of focusing on the outcome, not the specifics. While still avoiding the “S” word, my answer was, “Well, we should both agree on what a good punishment is. Of course, it has to be something unpleasant in order to be a deterrent as well as a reminder to do better. It could be physical punishments at times as well as non-physical consequences depending on what we agree upon.”
With that, he said the word for the first time…”So, like a spanking?” When he said that I felt a great release, similar to what I felt when I surrendered to the idea of being spanked. There it was, out in the open. The thing that I was still uncertain about but felt was necessary. The thing that I was most worried about both in his acceptance of giving spankings and my willingness to receive them.
Having heard the words and seeing Mike remaining calm and feeling confident in the progress of our conversation, I confidently responded, “Yes, spankings should be part of it.” He then asked, “Well, what else besides spankings.”
I explained that the intent is not to humiliate me, it is to keep me focused and to get me to perform as a person, a mother, and a wife the way that I want to perform, not the way he necessarily wants me to perform. In fact, what he wants must match what I want for myself. It isn’t him punishing me for failing to do what he thinks is right, it is only for failing to do what I committed to doing. So while it cannot humiliate, there should be an element of discomfort so that I will be motivated to avoid that discomfort in the future. So, with that, I told him I think spankings are definitely in order, and at other times it could mean a time out….going to our bedroom to be alone or stand in a corner.
I told him we didn’t have to figure all of that out right now, and I know this was lot to process. I shared that I have been reading about this type of lifestyle and we should read some stuff together. From there I suggested we both understand the pros and cons and get an idea on how we will incorporate this in our lives. Note that I said “will incorporate…” Remember, I am in charge and I am used to getting what I want. I also wanted him to know I was very serious and I didn’t want to use any words that sounded like I was unsure. It was only then that I shared the term with him and explained it is often called “Domestic Discipline.”
I was relieved the conversation did not linger on the details of punishment. Instead he moved on and asked why I thought this would be good for me and he apologized for not doing anything to address my stress levels (remember, I told you Mike is a great guy). He said he will gladly do whatever I felt would help me but he asked me why I thought this was the best way.
I shared some of those things I already shared in this blog about my thought process and more. I told him I very much wanted to surrender myself to him because I loved and trusted him, and I felt it would allow me to be the person I want to be for myself, for my kids, and for him. I felt anything short of this type of surrender would not work.
He asked many of the same questions I already asked myself. I had to reassure him I was completely willing to be punished by him and I expect it to be unpleasant, but that is the point, and that is what I want. He said he was on-board with figuring this out with me.
It was clear that Mike truly cared about my feelings and wasn’t going to jump into anything this drastic without understanding that it is something I very much wanted to do.
I was eager to show him the Duties and Obligations I had written for myself. We then went online together and read through a bunch of stuff I had bookmarked for us. After talking through many different issues over about three or four days, we got to a basic agreement on what our approach was going to be. It was important that we commit, in writing, to how our DD lifestyle was going to work. Now it was time to write a contract.