Category Archives: 3. Musings

Various rambles on why I thrive on submitting to my husband and the trails and tribulations of adopting Domestic Discipline.

339. Jenny-job, Mean Mike, the Platinum Rule, a Jenny thing, and some other stuff

339

Sorry.  I am trying.  I keep starting a post and then thinking it’s stupid.  Don’t know why I am overthinking everything!   Okay, will try again. . .

JENNY JOB
No, not the kind of job that blows.  A real j-o-b job.  I mentioned I am working.  Just part-time.  I had been volunteering at J’s old school and decided to take on a part-time job as a teacher’s aide in the special ed classroom.  The pay is terrible but I am not doing it for money.  I just felt the need to give back.   I’ll probably just do it through the end of this school year and go back to volunteering.  While it’s not a big commitment, I like not having to adhere to a schedule.

My job also has been a new social outlet for me.  Interacting with people in ways that don’t involve TTWD.   So much of my life has become our friendships within our Circle of Trust, it’s nice to have some “vanilla” time.  lol.   And I mentioned we joined a bowling league.   The three of us bowl on a team with another couple, someone Mike knows.  They aren’t part of our COT and seem disinterested in exploring that way. 

They clearly know that we are a THRUPLE!  That’s a new term I’ve heard to describe a triad relationship.  Beyond knowing our thruple status, they aren’t fully aware of our lifestyle.  They get that we defer a lot to Mike, and probably suspect there’s more going on, but they don’t ask, and we don’t flaunt it. 

Our typical approach in social settings is, “Tell if asked, otherwise, don’t.”   It keeps things simple as all three of us know to simply be honest.  I don’t need to make a point to say, “I submit to my husband.  He spanks me along with other forms of punishment.  We have sex with other people.  Any questions?”  Ha ha ha!

MEAN MIKE?
The other day, one of my coworkers told me in a fairly awkward, round-about way that my husband sounded mean.    I asked them what gave them that impression?  As
we talked, it was clear they concluded he was controlling, thus he must be mean. 

It reminded me of my impressions of John pre-show (as in, pre Post 20. Putting on a Show).   Until I was aware of John and Donna’s dynamic, I thought John was just a bit of an asshole.  I understood why my coworker was thinking the same of Mike.  She had heard me talk with Mike on the phone, as well as heard me say things like, “I will ask my husband,” or, “Let me check with my husband.”

By the way, I get a thrill every time I utter those phrases to people that aren’t “in the know.”  It’s a bit of cheating on our “Tell if asked, otherwise, don’t” because clearly, it is putting out some “tell” vibes.   Mike allows it, so as with all things, it’s not cheating if he allows it!  But, I’d probably minimize the inquiries if I’d be stealthier about it.  Thing is, I am not ashamed of it.  I am not going to go out of my way to hide anything, even though I also am not going out of my way to share TTWD. 

I assured my coworker that Mike treats me in the manner I want to be treated and that I purposely defer to him and seek his guidance and permission on a number of things.  I told them that’s just how I am wired and Mike loves me enough to treat me in the manner I desire.  And because I hate the idea of others thinking ill of him, I added that such behavior was not Mike’s default and that it was me that thrives by deferring to him.  (I always use the word “defer” versus “submit” when talking to vanilla friends).

THE PLATINUM RULE
I asked my coworker if my thinking makes them uncomfortable.  She admitted it did, but couldn’t pinpoint why.  I assured her that how her husband treated her, as long as it was in the manner she accepts and desires, I would be happy for her as we all deserve to be treated the way we want.  It’s the Platinum Rule!  — Treat others the way they want to be treated (It’s better than the Golden Rule).  

As we talked it became clear that she felt intimidated, like it was a threat to her and all of womanhood.  It made me think of my post Is this submissive a Feminist? (The feminism part, not the political rant part of that post).   The discussion was cordial, just two women talking.  It was not adversarial, just to the point.

A JENNY THING
I told her I totally understand her concerns and there was I time I wouldn’t have understood my desires on this.  I explained my needs and desires no more represent the sum of all the needs and desires of my gender any more than hers do.  It’s not a gender thing, it’s a me-thing.  It’s a Jenny thing.   She seemed to feel better that I wasn’t some anti-feminist.   

I don’t understand why some people think that just because someone makes decisions that they believe are right for them that somehow it’s a threat or that I assume they must be right for everyone and will want to push my “agenda” on them.  Not everyone’s a Republican.  lol

She was a little inquisitive and asked some more questions about why I enjoy it.  It’s difficult to describe and I basically put it back on her, “Why do you enjoy the particular dynamic that exists in your marriage?”  She said, “I dunno, never really thought of it.  It just works for us.”  “That’s it!” I said, “Same answer for me.”

I was tempted to go into, “…and you know, there was a time I thought what we were doing was working for us, but then….” and go into my whole DD story.  But that would be too much “telling” without much “asking” on her part.    The Jenny of six months ago probably would have.  But the more insular me, the one feeling more protective of my amazing life – that Jenny is fine with being honest without oversharing.    

What’s funny to me is that I wonder if I miss opportunities to expand our Circle of Trust.  Not that I feel the need to recruit, but, our circle was created primarily by me being the run-my-mouth oversharer that I typically am.   It’s piqued the interest of some people and then, well, you know the rest.   We may not have Kayla in our lives if not for opening up with her about TTWD.   Wow.  I just re-read my first post about herHow far we’ve come! (in more ways than one, hee-hee). 

On second thought, maybe I give my loud mouth too much credit.  John and Donna were already our friends.  Mike “brought in” Matt, who in turn brought in Jillian.  Jaime and Chelsea are Kayla’s friends.  I guess my “recruits” were Valerie/Raul and Kim/TJ.   Okay, enough of that talk.  I don’t look at it as recruiting.  I don’t recruit anyone like that.  I just share and well, it causes them to share, and then one thing leads to another!  It’s the magic of vulnerability!   Maybe I should write a post about vulnerability, or two, or three, or four.  Oh, I already did that!  (there’s nine of them linked in my Shortcuts).

Okay, I am rambling now.   End post!

Next: 340.  One-on-Dom

338. Jen, just shut up already!

338
This is my last post. . . .

 

talking about my hiatus!  lol.  

Gotcha!

Of course, I am going to keep blogging!  I am too into me to stop!  There’s plenty of domestic discipline debauchery to dole out to you  – at a slower pace.  It’s just that I had an epiphany that helped me understand what I think was at the core of my lack of motivation to blog.  And that realization has actually helped increase my interest in blogging again.  

SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE BEING UNDERSTOOD
In the past, I couldn’t wait to write about a blogworthy topic that popped in my head.  Now?  Meh.  In a prior post I shared reasons behind the multi-month respite and slower pace of blogging.  But recently I came to realize there was another reason, a more compelling and powerful reason than what I previously stated.

I’ve always been a bit of a loudmouth, quick to share my thoughts about any topic.  You’d think I would have been an awful guidance counselor, but I behaved differently in a clinical setting.  I was good with the open-ended questions to help people “find their truth” or reconcile some internal conflict.  But I’ve always been quick to share what’s on my mind outside of that setting.  There is a mantra of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   I love this saying, but I rarely followed it.

When we adopted Domestic Discipline almost 5 years ago, it was one of the things I wanted to improve about myself.  I knew reigning in my reflex to demand to be heard would help make me a better wife, mother, sister, friend, you name it.   My blog became one place where I didn’t have to reign that it.  I could go on a rant about anything at any time, such as An Esoteric Ramble, or a politically fueled, We Are Not Okay, But We Will Be.

It was my interactions on the site I mentioned in the last post, Sister’s in Submission,  that woke me up to the fact I once again was going down a path of seeking to be understood before understanding others.  I realized I was not only too quick to throw in my two cents on a topic, but my responses seemed to have the effect of shutting down dialogue, not continuing it.   Of course, I’d like to think it is because my responses were so thought out that they resonated with everyone’s “truth” thus there was simply nothing left for anyone to add.   That MUST be the reason.   Either that or it was because I was dominating the conversation, not furthering it.  Hum.  Maybe the latter?

And I noticed this old habit started appearing IRL.  With friends, family, coworkers, and yes, even with Mike.  (BTW, I’ll talk about my new job at some point. It’s part-time).

So I decided that while I would still chime in now and then, I would be less demonstrative and more suggestive in my online responses.   I also recommitted to myself to be a better listener with everyone I interacted with, whether it was online or IRL.

And I loved it!

I was getting something rewarding and fulfilling out of being  quieter – out of “seeking to understand before being understood.”   I was enjoying reading what other people had to say, being more inquisitive in my statements versus pushing my own conclusions.  It was nice hearing a different voice than my own.  And thus, the thought of “telling all” or ranting via my blog no longer motivated me. 

Also, I think there is some level of authority we all give to someone who goes on and on about a particular topic, in my case, Domestic Discipline.  And as I stated, I felt a bit intimidated with my million views and sex blogger ranking.   Like,  don’t listen to me.  I am no expert.  I do consider myself an expert on MY LIFE, but no one else’s.  I told myself, “Jen, just shut up already!”   So I did!

YAWN.  ENOUGH!  GIVE US SEXY TIME!
But now my “quiet period is over.  No need to “be quiet.”  Maybe quieter, but not quiet.  As I stated in a prior post, I needed to “get over myself.”    My obscure little blog is not intended to change the worldview on human sexuality, gender roles, marriage, or kink.  It’s simply a way for me to think through things while scratching my itch to be a bit of an exhibitionist (and for some of you more pervy folks, maybe masturbatory fodder).

With that – guess what?  We’ve been making plans for Immersion 2020 It’s become an “event” in our Circle of Trust where people have planned to take time off work – a bit of a sexual exploration vacation!  The guys are coordinating a “Swap-fest” of sorts where we will be spending some meaningful one-on-one time with other members of our group.  As in, spending the evening and night with someone other than your significant other(s).   I don’t know all the details and will happily share them when I do. 

AND — we are about a month away from our FIVE YEAR DD-VERSARY.  That’s right!  Five years of committing to a Domestic Discipline dynamic.    And there is still a lot I’d love to fill you in on regarding the last several months.    More blogging to come!

NEXT: 339. Jenny-job, Mean Mike, the Platinum Rule, a Jenny thing, and some other stuff

336. Hello from the kinky side

336I GHOSTED YOU, BUT I AIN’T DEAD
I am happy to report I am not dead!  

I had a deep-seated need to disengage from my blog as well as from a handful of email buddies I’ve been fortunate enough to pick up along the way.  Honestly, I ghosted everyone online.  I know it’s mean.  Sorry, I could have easily just spent a few minutes with a short note, but I kept thinking, “I’ll post something this week.”  And then the weeks went by.   ONE ETERNITY LATER. . .

WHY?   
I am still unsure.  It was like a switch went off and nothing about my anonymous online life interested me.   I am not sure exactly why.  I think it was a multitude of factors which I will go through.   I will try to be a better “online friend” and at least share that a hiatus is self-imposed and nothing bad is going on. 

One of the influences of my growing disinterest is that I was having this increasing feeling of being exposed and vulnerable.  If you’ve read most of my posts you know me as an exhibitionist and vulnerability addict and one who is an over-sharer.   In fact, I think that was the very fuel that kept me posting.  But suddenly, it just didn’t give me the same reaction.  I wasn’t feeling exposed and vulnerable in a good way, but in the way that every post created a darker cloud of being susceptible to attack or harm.

To be clear, there have never been any outward threats and this feeling I had was mostly just in my head.   99.9% of comments and emails and interactions as a result of my blog have been positive.   You all have been great, comments are overwhelmingly positive, and the handful of email buddies have been great to interact with and get to know in a more meaningful one-on-one way.

Maybe it’s part of a mid-life crisis?   I started having this overwhelming need to protect the lifestyle I cherish and for some reason, I began viewing my blog as a threat.  I even considered deleting it, but Mike encouraged me not to “go nuclear” and give it time.  He was very reassuring and that means a lot to me given he is the one that is the privacy hawk and I am one that lets information flow like a sieve.

I am not sure what triggered my need to become so insular, especially when I am a lifelong over-sharer.   There are several things I can point to that all contributed to this hiatus.

  • I received ONE nasty comment from an anonymous person.  Typically I understand their perspective and look at it as an opportunity to respectfully disagree.  But this one triggered a “mama bear” type of reaction that made me want to not just defend my lifestyle but wrap my arms around it and run away saying, “Mine.  Leave me alone!”  I’ve always accepted that my lifestyle is abhorrent to many people. But for some reason, it suddenly mattered to me that they were attacking it.  It made me feel very protective of what I have.  What I have is amazing to me.  I cherish it and would never do anything to knowingly undermine it.
  • The next thing was my post about one million views as well as discovering I made list of top sex bloggers.   I was like #360-something out of 500.As for the million views –
  • I never started out with a goal to have lots of views.  I needed an outlet to organize my thoughts and think more deeply about my life.  It is amazingly therapeutic to have to think through and write what is meaningful to me, question my own motivations, and question whether the outcomes are truly fulfilling.   And being so bold as to put it out there for people to scrutinize actually added to that therapeutic value.
  • The increased views made me start worrying about being a “poster child” for any one aspect of my life.  A swinger, a submissive, a nudist, bisexual, polyamorous , etc.  It was as if I recognized that if someone has a problem with one element of the various terms that label me, they use it to reject the others.   I’ve written before that I don’t like writing much about nudism because I do the nudist community an injustice as many outside the community who don’t know better think it is about a bunch of pervy kinksters.  Then I started thinking maybe I do the same for bisexuals, or those who are poly, or those who are submissive, and so on.  I don’t want to be the fodder for the ignorance that is out there that fuels someone’s disgust for particular lifestyles.
  • As for the sex blogger list – it was on Kinkly (a fantastic website!).   At first, I thought it was cool (and I still do).  I’ve known about it for about a year, but suddenly, in combination with the one million views, the one negative comment, etc., it began to bother me.  It elicited that bad exposed and vulnerable feeling.
  • The “final straw” and probably the biggest catalyst to my ghosting everyone was that I was becoming increasingly aware of how lucky I am.  Call it a mid-life crisis moment!  Not as in a real crisis, but as in a taking inventory of what I have and appreciating it immensely!  I am largely worry-free in my life other than first-world problems.
  • My biggest lifetime worry has been about my special needs son, and as it turns out he has far exceeded every expectation regarding his self-reliance.  My other kids are doing well.  My marriage is incredibly strong and rewarding.  I get to love two amazing people in my marriage!  Our network of friends is full of close and rewarding relationships, albeit with some unique elements!  My prior post was about the potential powder keg of living an open lifestyle with several couples – yet we have navigated it well.

WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
I think I started hearing myself repeat one of Mike’s often repeated phrases when it comes to sharing details of our lifestyle with others.  “
What’s the upside?”   While my blog is sufficiently anonymous, I’ve been more forthcoming with some personal details in some of my email friends I’ve met via this blog.  While I feel all of them earned my trust, it started to nag at me that maybe I am getting too comfortable with sharing certain details about myself.   But anything I shared was always with Mike’s approval, and he is the privacy king!   But as some of those online relationships evolved and headed to actually meeting them, I thought, “Why upset my apple cart with this wild card?  I have everything I need and adding another stick of dynamite can ruin what I have.”

I also started feeling like my blogging would be taking time away from living this life I’ve built.  Why blog about it when I could be living it?   And this was compounded by several things that have made my free time much more scarce (I hope to update you on those things, such as me working part-time!).  It truly got to the point that in order to consistently blog I knew I would have to take precious time away from something else.  I simply didn’t want to trade that time for blogging time, especially given the online world wasn’t exciting to me in any way.      

So what changed to prompt my post today? 

I CAN BALANCE
I realized I’ve been blogging for almost four years and have easily balanced my over-sharing nature with the needs for privacy (and Mike is ever watchful to ensure that stays in balance).   

IT FEELS GOOD
I still feel a therapeutic benefit from blogging.  See, I told you I am a bit selfish.  It’s about what I get from my blogging, not so much about what my readers get.  Sorry, just being honest, but I think everyone who blogs must first do it for themselves.

I NEED TO GET OVER MYSELF
Come on, this is still an obscure little blog that is not going to change the worldview for the worse regarding human sexuality and kink.  In whatever small way I know the net impact of my blog is positive.  Sure, it’s likely masturbatory fodder for some, but hey, everyone’s got needs!   As for me, I need to get over any thoughts that I am portraying everyone who fits into any one (or more) of my “labels.”  I am portraying me!  And I need to portray the exhibitionist-over-sharer that I am as much as I do any other aspect of myself.

IT’S EMPOWERING
I provides me a sense of validation to know what I write appeals to certain people (my kind of people!).   Kink is such a personal topic and can come with all sorts of negative baggage.  I hope my blog can help normalize sexual exploration.  To me “normalizing” things is what all blogs do.  They normalize and humanize our individual experiences, whether they be about something as salacious as kink, or as simple as shopping, baking, clothing, or a day-in-the-life.    Blogging connects us and validates us in ways other media can not.

We learn people are more than the sum of their parts.  We learn that underneath a particular avocation, kink, or interest, they are not a swinger, a submissive, a nudist, a bisexual woman, or a polyamorous wife.  I am just a much those things as I am a mom, a mom of a special needs child, a neighbor, a friend.   THAT’s the part of blogging that excites me.   That I can illustrate you can be all of that and NONE of that defines you.  What defines you are the relationships you forge with others, whether family or friends, or even anonymous online friends.

The written word leaves a lot to our imagination.  I know for the blogs I read the blogger becomes a living character to me.  They only share snippets of themselves and we are free to fill in the blanks to create a complete “character” that becomes our friend.  I like the idea of being one of those friends to you.   It intrigues me to know what blanks you fill in about me.  Hey, I heard that.  Come on, I am not into THAT kind of kink.

 While I doubt I will blog with the same intensity as before, I do plan to keep blogging.  I hope I can be a better online friend and not one who ghosts you again. One thing hasn’t changed.  I can take a topic that can be covered in a few paragraphs and I end up writing a short story!  Being non-succinct is just one of my endearing qualities! (so I have to tell myself).

NEXT: 337.  Outsourcing Domestic Discipline

326. Look at me! Validate me!

326

Well, that break was unexpected.  2 months!

In that time we

  • celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary
  • Mike turned 51
  • J turned 19 and spends almost all his time away from home (i.e. household adjusts to quasi-empty-nest).
  • Kayla starting her full-time job (yet another household adjustment).
  • And, um, er, ah.  . . Very soon, I’ll be the BIG 5-OH!

My blog-neglect extended to neglecting email friends I’ve met via this blog.  I hope to catch up with them soon (if they aren’t upset with me).   I also shunned social media in general, staying away from Facecrook – I mean, Facebook, and other social media.

POST TRAUMATIC TWITTER DISORDER
The impetus of my social media blackout was that I had a sort of “social media” trauma.  There is a family member who is a sort of social media “star.”  I use that term loosely but they make a very good living simply off their social media presence.  The bigger their following grew, the more the trolls came out of the woodwork.  Over time the trolls became more aggressive and dangerous.

Their harassment extended to family members and evolved into physical threats.  The root of it all is one particular online community (I won’t name it as I don’t want to give them any promotion) where people go ostensibly to “exchange gossip.”  But, this isn’t about “sharing tea.”  It’s about getting followers.  Thus, it becomes about making up the tea – the more outlandish the “accusation” (which soon becomes accepted as “fact”), the better. 

Their accusations aren’t just laid out in words.  They use screen shots, video, emails, and text messages that are often altered to fit their narrative.  Once published, the troll and their minions go out to various social media to boost the fantastical narrative they created.  All with the aim of bringing their target down (ridicule, embarrass, and harass).

Many of the trolls do this for sport, but the more astute ones find ways to monetize it.  Yes, they can put their conspiracy-theory-like personal attacks on YouTube.  And of course, they do so anonymously.   YouTube has monetized hate and harassment and provides protection via the veil of anonymity for those who wish to hate and harass.

YouTube loves it and promotes it.  If you like a particular person, YouTube will start showering you with suggestions to watch the people who troll the person you like.   More clicks simply mean more ad revenue for YouTube (and the troll).  YouTube doesn’t care that they empower, embolden, and reward the trolls.

Now, add in the backdrop of all the news around the snooping and illegal tracking and sharing of info by Facebook and others (including many of the apps on your phone).  Well.  Crap.  I just wanted to get away from such technology and “go dark.”

BLOGGING IS UNNECESSARY ME
The thought of “putting myself out there” via blogging felt unnecessary – like a pretty ornament that didn’t fit in with the decor.   Even though I am anonymous, I am not anonymous to me, if that even makes sense.   It still requires me to put my thoughts and actions out there and subject them to hate.  Not that the WordPress community has much of that (the bizarre (Post 295 “The Fuck-you John Troll,” notwithstanding, and that wasn’t hate – that was just friggin’ weird and nuts).

WordPress is very good in that respect.  No, not the weird and nuts part, but the lack of hate part.  Okay, maybe a little weird and nuts, of which I am a contributor.  Regardless, by blogging I felt I was participating in the “look at me / validate me” mindset that shares a link to what motivates trolls.   I was so disgusted with the trolls that I didn’t want to swim in the same ocean as them, even if they were a thousand miles away.

BLOGGING IS NECESSARY TO ME
To be honest, “look at me / validate me” motivates us non-trolls as well.  It motivates me!  It’s a part of all of us who share on any social platform.

I’ve stated before that I find blogging very self-affirming, i.e., validating.   But I think we all know the difference between seeking affirmation for who we are proud to be versus seeking a feeling of being valued because I am insecure and harassing someone makes me feel better about my pathetic life.   Slight difference.

So, yeah. . . I just felt “blah” anytime I thought of posting.   If any of this sounds familiar, I went through this a bit last fall which I shared in Post 287.   My guess is I will go through this again at some point in the future.   That “blah-ness” is not totally gone but has subsided, thus —  HERE I AM!   LOOK AT ME!  VALIDATE ME!  lol.

No, on second thought.  There shouldn’t be a “lol” attempting to diffuse the point.  Really.  Look at me, validate me!

Ha.  Just kidding.

Or am I?

Okay, okay.

I’ll admit it.  Yes, blogging helps me actualize myself, to challenge, expand, and become my potentialities. . . to express and activate all the capacities that are within me to love, be loved, and be the person I want to be. . . to reconcile conflicting emotions. . . to simply vent when needed. . . to be heard, even if only to a few. . . to expand what it means to be me.   If that means “look at me, validate me,” then so be it.

Phew.  Okay.  Got that over with.   On to some kinky-fuckery.  Next post.

NEXT: 327. When the kids are away, the adults shall play

321. Perception is Reality

320

This post is a bit of a rant.  There is no particular story with this post.  Just sharing various disparate thoughts about perception.  It’s a bit about how it is so easy for all of us to be hypnotized by fragile and comforting lies and disregard those inconvenient truths that undermine those lies.  It’s also a bit about our fear of being vulnerable.  I am not throwing stones.  I am not immune from this.  None of us are.

I’ve done four or five posts about fielding questions from my sisters regarding TTWD.   One was questioning me again, and it reminded me a lot of what I posted the last time she questioned me (239. Filters: As you sow so shall you reap).

Since we are sisters, you’d think we share a lot of the same filters.   We do, but they are not exact.   There are things she takes as fact that I do not.  And things I take as fact that she does not.  Of course, we all like to think facts are facts, but there are facts and there are also beliefs, and there are things you want so badly to believe that they become facts to you.   And all your behaviors serve to reinforce these “facts.”  Such was the point of my about Filters.

And without getting into the specific details of my sister’s questions, it was basically about the swinging and the sex I have with other men.   Yeah, I REALLY shouldn’t have ever told her about my blog!!   Oh well, too late.  Hi Sis!  

When we have these discussions my intent is to help her understand that this dynamic is right for me.   For one, I know she cares about me and she wants to be convinced that I am convinced.  But of course, I understand that believing in my dynamic is important to me.  I am very invested in it.  I want to believe it so badly that it is not a belief, it is a fact. It must be.   

And for her, my dynamic is so foreign to her that refuting it is important to her.  She is very invested in abhorring it.  She wants to believe it so badly that it is not a belief, it is a fact.  It must be. 

So I give her the most meaningful evidence there is.  The unequivocal, undeniable evidence of MY experience. Where I am today and how happy I am today in all aspects of my life.  Nope.  She is not only unshaken in her stance, but even MORE convinced of the “truth” of her beliefs than ever before.  

It’s a classic case of what psychology literature calls “motivated reasoning.”  Motivated reasoning is how people convince themselves to remain convinced of what they want to believe.  It’s that “filters” thing I mentioned in that other post.  You seek out agreeable information and you “let that in” very easily.  Simultaneously you avoid, ignore, devalue, forget, or argue against (i.e. filter out) information that contradicts your beliefs.  And thus we have Fox News.  LOL.

Seriously, I am not throwing stones.  I am not immune to this.  I don’t read or follow any blogs that say any of TTWD are bad, but I follow plenty extolling its virtues.  I surround myself with people who accept my lifestyle and avoid those who don’t (or they avoid me!).  I love reading things that promote being vulnerable, open, honest, and trusting in your relationships.  And to me, I assume that vulnerability must extend to include sexual desires and fantasies. 

Here’s an interesting article that definitely won’t do anything to change your mind about anything.  I guarantee it!  But it did help me better articulate my thoughts for this post.  Here’s another great post dealing with perception from a blogger I follow whose blog is titled,Must be this Tall to Ride.”  

And I loved the final sentence, “It’s merely an opportunity to check your own biases and bullshit at the door.”  

That’s really hard to do.  I am fortunate that I am close to my sister.  We can have very frank talks about anything and everything, and no matter if we agree or disagree we love and respect each other. 

We both have something in common that really helps us to have meaningful conversations.  We both strive to check our biases and bullshit at the door and are receptive when the other is quick to challenge the other persons’ biases and bullshit.  Well, at least a little receptive.  It’s still hard.  No amount of sisterly love can make such discussions easy.

So what is my point of this post?   I think it is to illustrate that we all look for validation of our actions and feelings.  And guess what?  There is almost always plenty of stuff out there to validate them.  You just have to focus on what validates them and ignore what doesn’t.  You’ll feel vindicated and validated! 

But that is not what personal growth is about!  Personal growth is about challenging your beliefs and perceptions about the world.  And that’s the similarity between me and my sister – we are willing to have our beliefs and perceptions questioned.  We both joke that growing up we didn’t understand why the sermon’s at church didn’t end with “any questions?”   We came to understand why, but I digress. 

It’s that willingness to challenge my perceptions that allowed me to consider DD.  And it’s what has allowed me to be open to all of life’s possibilities.  To me, that is what it means to truly be alive!   And my willingness to fully be open to life’s possibilities has changed my life in ways that go beyond TTWD.  

To get something you never had, to experience something you’ve never experienced, to live a life you don’t have but always wanted — you have to be open to something you’ve never been open to.  Of course, it’s uncomfortable.  It means challenging and even disregarding the comforting lies that blanket your life. 

And yes, it doesn’t have to mean being open to being a Dominant, or being submissive, or swinging, or anything kink related – but here’s a hint — it’s sure fun if it does!

It doesn’t even have to be a life-altering thing.  Just pick one thing that you believe as fact, and really allow yourself to be vulnerable and challenge that belief.  For me, it is as addicting as it is painful.  Yep, it’s painful to discover the falseness of something you swore was fact.  But it’s also liberating and addicting.   If you haven’t figured it out, I am addicted to vulnerability.  

It’s official.  I am a weirdo. 

And if you DO want it to be life-altering, don’t just be vulnerable to your own closely held “facts,” but be vulnerable to and with your partner in life.  Now THAT is life-altering! 

Yawn!  Okay, Jen, enough of your drivel.   You do get spanked now and then, don’t you?  Tell us about that.   And you speak of all this sex and swinging, but where are the details?    Forget your friends and family and your rants.  Give us the tea!!!

Alright.  I’ll consider it.

 

299. PSA – Stop Being so Hard on Yourself

299

Wow, three days in a row of posting! Yea me!

I ended a prior post with,  Love without limits, and you get loved without limits. “

I need to add, Love YOURSELF without limits, and you can then love without limits, and get loved without limits.”

NEGATIVITY BIAS
Sometimes it’s worth taking a break from the salacious kinky stuff and make sure emotionally we are dealing with any negative thoughts that may arise from our hedonism.  I wrote of this in 277. Understanding myself and my submission, and even a bit in 246.  Subconsciousness of Wrong.  I only recently came across an article that has prompted me to revisit that topic

Let’s face it, when it comes to our kinks, society conditions us to feel guilt, shame, and more shame, and then more guilt mixed in with a bit more shame, all in nice big guilt wrapper with a giant shame-bow at the top.  There’s an undeniable negativity bias regarding our feelings when it comes to our kinks.

BIAS BIAS EVERYWHERE
I have always been intrigued by bias.   I believe I included this link before about the
12 Common Biases that Affect How We Make Everyday Decisions.  or perhaps the 15 Logical Fallacies You Should Know Before Getting Into a Debate.  Yeah, we all have biases and we all fall for various logical fallacies at times.  And since no one seems to teach critical thinking, society seems to be falling for more and more of these.  But Trump followers notwithstanding, “negativity bias” is especially insidious.  

“It can lead to ruminative thoughts that interfere with our productivity, and it can impact our bodies by stimulating inflammatory mechanisms that lead to chronic illness and accelerate aging.”  (That sentence sounds better when said with an English accent in my head.  Try it and I think you’ll agree). 

Sure, those aren’t my words, they are from the article.  But it’s saying, negativity bias can literally kill us.   Instead of me giving my dime-store analysis on negativity bias, I encourage you to read the article linked below.  It is absent any kink (sorry you pervs), but has real-world application to everyone, especially kinksters who may sometimes have negative thoughts about their proclivities.

I do want to add this comment though – I consider myself very self-compassionate.  Sure, I tease myself about different things.  Did you know my boobs are saggy?  Yeah, I’ve never mentioned it, except maybe once or a hundred times.  hee-hee.  Anyway, my favorite line of this article is that self-compassion spurs positive adjustment in the face of regrets.

I think my Domestic Discipline journey has been all about positive adjustments in the face of regrets.  In fact, being spanked is in many ways a positive adjustment in the face of regret.    Yeah, I just connected self-compassion with allowing my husband to spank me.  {Mic drop}.

Okay, enough from me.  I strongly encourage you to check out this article.

Next: 300. Don da da don! 300th post – and it’s Intense!

 

288. About dad

288

I thought I’d share a bit about my dad.   While a bit mundane, the truth is, most of life is pretty mundane, even for a bisexual, polyamourous, submissive, naturist, sexually adventurous person like myself! 

As shared in my last post, my dad died recently – just before Thanksgiving.   He was very much a product of his upbringing.  Like most people, he had a difficult time separating that upbringing with what truly made him happy.  He grew up in a very Anglo-Saxon-protestant-closed-minded-swallow-your-feelings-do-as-expected-the man-is-in-charge-appearance-over-substance family.   From what he shared with me about his father, it sounded like his father had it even worse than him, as did his father before that.  It’s as if each generation slowly shed this archaic and unhappy way of thinking, living, and loving.    

As part of this, my dad learned to drink his problems away, which clearly doesn’t work.  And when it doesn’t, the go-to is to then blame any problems on others — especially anyone “different.”   However, he also unlearned these things.  His life was very much one of transformation, into a thoughtful, loving, caring, and yes, even nurturing individual.   Having his own family – and namely my mother – is what changed him.  But it didn’t happen overnight.  

I never fully experienced the “old” version of my dad.  By the time I was born he had shunned most of his former ways (drinking, cheating, gambling, fighting — yeah, he spent some time in the county jail from various bar fights, drunk & disorderly, stuff like that).  My siblings experienced more of that version of him. 

He spent a long time trying to figure out how to be a good person.  It started with him first going down the path of trying to just be a good husband.  It took him a long time to get that right.  By the time I was born, (I am the youngest) he saw it as his last opportunity to get fatherhood right.  He worked hard to complete that path.  

He was present for me.  That’s saying a lot, as frankly, it all starts with being present for your kids.  Then, of course, it is about what happens when you are present.  My dad was involved and showed interest in all that I did, even making sure we had our own father-daughter outings without mom.   I felt loved, accepted, and special.  As a child, you can’t really ask for much better feelings than those.  I know I was fortunate that the dad I knew was not the dad my siblings knew or the person my mom first married. 

I think in some families this would have been fodder for resentment from my siblings, but honestly, it was the opposite.  They all were happy for me and for my mom – and for my dad.   While I am sure a part of them feels sorrow for what they missed out on, their lament never became resentment.  For that, all credit goes to my mom.  

My mom never made her kids feel responsible for their dad’s actions.  And she worked tirelessly to fill us with joyful experiences such that we never felt a void from our father.  And while my coming along was the impetus for his final transformation, it wasn’t a switch that suddenly flipped.   It did take him a little time with some backsliding — however, I was always oblivious to this as mom never let on as to what was going on.  Simply put, she allowed me and my siblings to experience the best of him and she shielded us from the worst. 

I often think of how hard that was on mom.  In many ways, the love we had for dad was undeserved and unearned.  If only we knew.  Ah, yes, what if we did?  What if we were exposed to his ugliness?   I can only imagine.   Instead, each of us was exposed to his love, to whatever extent he was able to give it at the time.  For me, it was a lot, and I will always be thankful to my mom for allowing him to express it and for me to experience it, absent any ill thoughts. 

And how do I know all of this?  Dad was very aware of his transformation and very open about talking about it.  Mom actually says little about it.  She never complained about how he once did this or once did that.  But he often apologized, openly and in front of us,  for having done certain things.   

He wanted us to understand who he was and who he had become so that we could understand that people can indeed change.  As a result, he also taught us that a lasting and joyful change can only be fueled by honesty, openness, and love.   And again, as much as I could credit my dad for teaching this lesson, it isn’t lost on me, nor was it ever lost on him, that this would have not been possible if not for my mom. 

She didn’t accept his behaviors and she even left him once for a time.  But despite his actions she still loved him.  Why?  I don’t know.  You can’t really explain love.  His actions would certainly be enough for most people to fall out of love.  Mom shared with me that she always saw that the best of him was always within him.  As long as she sensed it was in him, she couldn’t stop loving him. 

My dad was a fantastic grandfather to my kids.  He totally accepted T1 and treated him the same as all other grandkids (as a reminder, T1 is not my biological son, he is Mike’s from a prior relationship).   To be clear, T1 is my son, biology or not.  I am also grateful that my children got to experience the best version of my dad as possible, as have my nieces and nephews.      

Politics?  Family?   If you have only read my last few posts you’re probably confused as to what kind of blog this is.    Well, it’s a Jenny kind of blog!   I know the kink is more interesting, but there are times I need to show a bit of the person behind the kink. 

Yes, I am a wife, mother, PTA attending, suburban-living, middle-aged housewife living a pretty normal life.  It’s just wrapped in a lifestyle that is a bit unconventional (to put it mildly).  Domestic Discipline and all the other “stuff” that goes with “My DD” are things that I do and a part of who I am.  The occasional diversion into posts about other stuff is to help remind you that such things do not define all of who I am. 

Yeah, I am pretty normal.  For instance, just the other day after sex with my neighbors, my husband spanked me because . . .     

Next: 289.  The holidays – Thanksgiving