376. Encouraging your captain to lead

I have a dozen or so folks email me on a fairly regular basis. Most are women, but a few are men and even couples. And most of them reach out for my thoughts on improving their DD dynamic. Some are newbies struggling to calibrate their needs and desires with those of their partner while others are veterans who have hit a snag for various reasons.

I don’t consider myself an “advice” type person. I mean, I have opinions and ideas, but relationships in general are far too complex for me to give anyone solid advice via email. But squishy advice? Sure! LOL. Seriously. It’s even more difficult with the extra helpings of insecurities, guilt, longing, and frustration that often come with Domestic Discipline or Dom/sub dynamics or anything but straight vanilla stuff.

COMMUNICATE: Calibrate / be Vulnerable!

The biggest challenge I hear about is in calibration – the needs of one person is not being met. Typically, the lack of agreement as to what one is willing to give to the other person is because neither person has clearly articulated their needs and desires. It’s impossible to reconcile this if someone isn’t being honest with their feelings.

The answer isn’t about trying to persuade the other person into your way of thinking. Doing so could set the stage for resentment that would eventually rear it’s head somewhere down the line. It isn’t about persuading, but about explaining. In my experience, a loving couple is always able to work out something that satisfies both people. It just takes real talking. It’s that vulnerability thing I post about all the time. Open communication that exposes all of you, your thoughts, your dreams, your desires. The more vulnerable people are to each other, the closer they become and the easier it is to calibrate each others needs and each others ability to fulfill those needs.

It often means one or both people have to adjust their expectations regarding what they truly want and what they are willing to give to the other person. Such adjustments aren’t made through force or surrender, but through love and understanding. Of course, some relationships can only take that so far. It’s no different than any other aspect of a relationship. If something is of paramount importance and is unfilled, well, the relationship can just erode to shit.

STRUGGLING DOM?

Contrary to what most people think, it isn’t uncommon for the Dom to be the reluctant one at the start of a DD journey. They fear becoming an arrogant self-absorbed sadistic dickhead. Too many people equate being a Head of Household or Dom to being some or all those things. If that is their fear, they have a gross misconception on what their role should be.

To truly be a leader of the household, you have to be a good listener, and demonstrate skills like consistency, empathy, conscientiousness, wisdom, assertiveness, self-assurance, tough mindedness, high standards, and emotional strength and stability. See, pretty easy, huh?

Of course, that’s not easy. I wrote of this over three years ago in 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. It isn’t easy for men who have never been asked to be that type of person in their marriage or relationship.

Then, to add to their challenges, I find that way too often the sub will undermine the very dynamic they are asking for. It’s like telling your mate you want “z” from them and every time they give you “z” you disapprove and say, “How dare you?” Then you start complaining that they aren’t being consistent in giving you “z.”

And sometimes it is subtle. And that’s where I thought I could throw in some tips that can help ensure you aren’t unintentionally undermining the leadership of your Dom.

TIPS FROM JEN (and elsewhere)

I did a web search for inspiration to help me succinctly organize my thoughts, else this would be just another long ass post of Jen ramblings. [Hmmm, Jen. Too late, it already is]. Who said that?

Anyway, I came across a site that so aptly explained things, that instead of “borrowing heavily” (i.e. copying a lot), I felt it best to just link you there.

GIRL GAME: Encouraging your Captain to Lead, from The Red Pill Room.

This site isn’t being kept up, but it is full of great content. That particular post from 2014 is spot on regarding things a submissive does that undermines her Dom. I am not saying there aren’t things a Dom can do that undermines his authority, but perhaps that will be for another post. This one is about things the sub can do to ensure they aren’t undermining their Dom.

Oh, quick disclaimer. I know my writing, as well as that Red Pill site, write from the perspective of the woman as the submissive. I don’t do that in ignorance that such relationships can have the genders in any role. It’s just as a woman who is a submissive wife, the submissive female happens to be the perspective I know best and from which I write.

To summarize and comment on the Red Pill Room post:

1. Make your expectations clear
   This may sound like a very UN-submissive thing, but it is actually very submissive in that it shows you respect his leadership and are reinforcing that it is something you cherish.
   
2. No wrong answers
   Men can be tentative, especially at the beginning of a DD journey. That tentativeness can result in their feeling rejected anytime you correct them. A big reason couples fail early on in DD is that the Dom is made to feel like they are doing it all wrong.
   
3. No backseat driving
   Similar to #2, once he has decided something, don’t pick at it, don’t alter it, don’t add to it. Just comply.
   
   That doesn’t mean you can’t clarify in order to ensure you understood his intentions. But there are ways to frame your questions such that they sound condescending or infer your rejection. For example, “What does THAT mean?” Ug. No good. Instead, offer your meaning to him and let him clarify, reject, or accept it. “What I understood that to mean is …. is that correct?”
   
   Oh, make that, “Is that correct, Sir.” hee-hee.
   
   #2 and #3 is where I found Maintenance to be of vital importance. If there is something I take exception to, or feel I need to better understand, I try to never question it in the moment. In the moment I comply because my compliance reinforces his leadership. Days later, at Maintenance, I can then ask, “Do you remember when you asked me to do x? I was wondering….” Respectful questions and inquiry are tremendously helpful in building his confidence and giving him the ability to improve without you explicitly directing that improvement.
   
4. Failure is part of the process.
   Success is never final, and failure is never fatal. We learn the most from failures. He can fail without feeling he is being a dick if we encourage his leadership and stay positive and stay focused on the successes.
   
5. Reward and Support
   Celebrate and reward victories! Reinforce all the behaviors you seek from your man. As for the defeats? Don’t rehash them. Instead, use them as opportunities to strengthen his leadership because if you accept his mistakes, he will gain confidence to take your dynamic to more victories.
   
   It fits in with my Golden Rule of DD as shared in 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & Golden Rule of DD. That Golden Rule is that those embarking on this dynamic should always recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, that means giving praise. For the Sub, it means giving thanks.

The fulfillment you should get from your dynamic is far greater than the agony of some temporary defeat. If that’s not the case, then clearly there are things the relationship needs to work on. And yes, maybe, just maybe, this dynamic isn’t for you.

Some people just like the “idea” of it, but none of the reality. If so, then relegate it to a part-time/kinky thing or simply fantasy. Nothing wrong with that! The point in a relationship is to find ways to fulfill each other and to have fun in exploring what fulfills the both of you, even if there are some missteps along the way.

And whether you agree with my lifestyle or not, taking the plunge into Domestic Discipline has been the most fulfilling adventure of my life. . . besides motherhood.

Next: 377. Yes. No. Maybe – Starting your Domestic Discipline

375. ODE TO ORGASM CONTROL

I don’t look at discipline as a kink. While we do a lot of “kinky” things, discipline isn’t one of them. Receiving the consequences of my inability to be the person I want to be is far from kinky, far from arousing, far from being sexually stimulating. I believe that is why I don’t find any fulfillment in mixing my discipline with sex… well, maybe not “any,” but still, it’s not what I connect to as a submissive.

MY COOCH CONUNDRUM

Orgasm Control (OC) is an act of submission. No different than calling him “Sir” or needing his permission to buy something. It is NOT discipline. It’s just another rule I follow and rules aren’t discipline – discipline is the result of not following a rule.

BUT –– whatever you call it, OC is sexually oriented and punishments for failing at OC will likely stay focused on my taco. You might feel there is not much difference between that and being spanked on the ass or whipped across my boobs, and I see your point. However, it isn’t about making a point. It’s about how my mind reacts. For me, my mind connects discipline to something sexual when the focus is on my vajayjay whereas it does not make that connection when focused elsewhere.

Full disclosure – receiving discipline is often a bit sexually arousing. But only because my mind rewards my pleasure centers any time I submit to him, and the greater the submission, the greater the reward. And accepting his discipline is greater submission than say, calling him Sir, thus my pleasure centers are awarded accordingly.

But, in further honesty, the whacks to my squeeze box were more arousing than other punishments. The best way I can describe it is that it felt more like a BDSM scene than a punishment. No other punishment has ever felt that way.

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION

By the way, I am trying to use as many different slang terms for the punanee as possible. It’s silly and immature, but it’s fun! Feel free to comment and share the terms you use, whether in jest or in your day-to-day vernacular. Curious to hear your slang for the vertical smile!

THE LECTURE

His lecture also added to my mixed emotions. It was different. It wasn’t as much about my specific behavior. It was more focused on my orgasms belonging to him.

That may sound like a nuance, but not to me. When I misbehave, lectures tend to be;

• Focused on me and my behavior – not what is or isn’t Mike’s “property”
• Focused on how my behavior failed to meet our collective expectations – not about how I must do this or must do that.
• Focused on being the wife I want to be, and not focused on a specific rule

But this lecture wasn’t so much about failing to meet expectations. It was much more about the specific rule. It seemed more focused on him and less focused on me.

I think part of my conflict is in that OC feels too much like M/s (Master/slave) and less D/s (Dominant/submissive) and far removed from routine DD (Domestic Discipline). Not that there is anything wrong with that. If it connects for two people, more power to them! It just doesn’t connect me with my submission in the way other things do.

GATEWAY KINK

Part of me sees OC as a gateway to more sexually charged discipline, that it’s the beginning of a bad path. Not “bad” because there is something inherently bad about it, but bad because it drifts too far from what fulfills my submissive mindset.

I know this may confound some of you, after all, my Agreement includes a Sex Clause that, in part, states:

Michael may demand any sexual or physical activity to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and anywhere and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Jennifer will adhere to “Anytime.    Anything.  Anyone.  Without hesitation.”  Jennifer shall behave in a way that Mike perceives as oblivious as to the time, place, activity, and/or person(s) involved. 

What’s different is that I’ve never violated that clause and in fact, can never really do so. That clause is less about a “rule” and more about expressing my willingness to sexually be whatever he wants me to be. For all practical purposes, there’s no way to violate this rule. If he were to ask me to do something sexual that I did not want to do, I would use a safe word and that would be that. So while my intent is to be sexually submissive, it remains my intent to keep discipline separate from sex.

IS IT THE DISCIPLINE?

One answer is simply to ask that there is no discipline to be applied to my poony. We discussed it at Maintenance yesterday, but I didn’t actually call for that (yet). Mike didn’t take a firm position for or against, which is typical. He wants me to work it out. Despite our progression for DD that is “mine” to DD that is “for me,” our DD dynamic is still primarily focused on what works for me. While Mike could dictate a resolution, that simply is not his style. For now, I made it clear that the discipline for any OC violations is 100% up to him and I would accept it no differently than any other discipline. And that simply means, I accept it until I don’t.

IS IT THE RULE ITSELF?

I am not sure it is just the discipline that is the issue. Part of me doesn’t want to give Mike control of my orgasms. And that non-submissive thought is the origin of my my greatest conflict. I don’t like the idea of denying him anything. He enjoys OC. And it isn’t like I am not enjoying it. As stated many times, it has been very fulfilling. But, that fulfillment has come with an uneasiness.

Thus far we’ve been very fortunate in being highly synchronized between our needs and desires. I’ve chatted with many couples who struggle to balance what everyone wants from their relationship (even without DD). And it isn’t like we are far apart on this. But I know Mike is enjoying OC, which adds to my conflicted feelings.

I find it a bit humorous in the context of my journey. I haven’t felt anything like this since pre-DD when I was trying to reconcile what it meant to submit to him, let alone allowing him to spank me. Since Day 1 of DD I have been thrilled with giving more and more control to Mike. Of all the things, OC is what is testing my limits of the control I want to cede.

For now, OC stays. In yet another example of the twisted submissive mind, the part of me that doesn’t want it makes me want it more. And the part of me that does want it, well, it’s getting it. And the part of me that knows Mike enjoys it, make me want it even more. So for now, those things crowd out the part of me that says, “WTF?”

We will continue to discuss it. I set a goal for myself to have some resolution in time for re-writing our DD Contract. I’d like t put this issue behind me, and perhaps “behind” is the operative word. Maybe the solution is simply making it a spankable offense on the behind!

Next: 376. Encouraging your Captain to Lead

373. DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE, DOMESTIC BLISS

A comment on a prior post had me reflecting and recognizing that my blog provides you a limited glimpse into my life. A glimpse ONLY into the things I choose to share.

I believe the reason I tend to be wordy in my posts is that I don’t like to leave too much to your interpretation. A good writer would leave you more to interpret and personalize. But my goal isn’t good writing. (Hey, I heard that. Who said, “Well, Jen, mission accomplished.”). I mean, I try to be entertaining, but in the end, I want to convey MY experience, MY thoughts, MY emotions, MY reasoning, MY motivation, and MY conclusions. Pretty selfish, but hey, it’s my blog!

Further, I tend to share things that I find interesting, a new revelation that surprises me or makes me think. Writing also helps me collect and reconcile my thoughts, thus, I often write about things that require some deeper thinking and emotional exploration.

THE RESULT

My approach means mundane day-to-day things never get shared. The consequence of this is you are left to assume my entire days are filled with slave-like living conditions, threats of punishment, and being a sexual toy subject to sadistic whims of my husband.

That’s NOT an accurate portrayal of my entire life. That’s more like my Tuesday’s.

Just kidding.

Seriously, so much of my day is pretty “normal.” It’s just the backdrop is very unique. Yes, I defer a lot to my husband and demonstrate a continued reverence and respect towards him (at least that’s my goal). And yes, we consider ourselves to be in a plural marriage, with Kayla our wife. But even that is mostly just normal relationship stuff on any given day. Talk of our days, talk of current events, talk of our plans for tomorrow or the weekend, family news, etc. Pretty normal.

Yes, that “normality” can be broken by a spanking if one of us earns one. But I haven’t been spanked in over six weeks, other than Maintenance. I’ve been a good girl! So it’s not all spanking and wild sex (but there is some of that!).

So to that commenter a few posts back, and to anyone else who may think otherwise, I want to express my immense satisfaction, fulfillment, and sense of purpose and excitement I get from my daily life. I love the dynamic that we’ve created in my household!

I will concede that, almost six years into DD and almost five years into my blog, that my posts often lack the sense of excitement found in earlier posts. That’s simply because there is less unknown, less ground to explore, and less uncharted waters. The unknown brings a level of energy and excitement that can’t be replicated once things are more known. There is less to explore, less uncharted waters, but that doesn’t mean I am any less fulfilled.

I am also less in awe of myself as I was in my early days of this journey. I mean, how long can you remain in awe of your daily life? Eventually, it becomes routine, so much so that in some ways I no longer remember life pre-DD.

I hope no one reads into my posts that I have become saddened or worried or less fulfilled in my life. I HAVE NOT. Life is just on an even keel, with occasional “pops” of incremental change or surprises, like the Orgasm Control. Honestly, can you imagine what my life would be if I continued on the same trajectory of exploration and change that went on the first 2-3 years? Well, of course you can, because you are a sex hungry kinkster!

COMING SOON

We will soon start work on “renegotiating” our Agreement. We always start off saying we should simplify it. We don’t need all the detail we initially put into it, detail that helped us make sure our intentions were clear. But I suspect a repeat of what happens when we intend to simplify it. We end up enjoy the detail as it helps reinforce all the things we want from our dynamic. So unless something changes, we probably will trim off very little and even add to it. We shall see!

Whatever the outcome of the new contract, I know I owe so much to my decision back in 2015 to embark on this journey to shake up my life and look for ways to find greater fulfillment in every moment, every day.

Oh, speaking of coming soon, I don’t think I ever shared with you what happened when I came without permission. I mentioned it at the end of my Nov 7 post. I am overdue with rewarding my readers with what they really want to read — spank-filled sexually charged stories! Maybe next post, if you insist.

NEXT: 374. Uh-Oh-gasm: Orgasm Control / lack thereof

368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

Figured I’d close the loop with you all on what happened/is happening with Chelsea. As shared in several posts, she stayed with us for while as her husband worked on out-of-town job. (Post 357, Post 358, and Post 359).

I am sharing this in part because I find it fascinating and I think others might relate to bits and pieces of this. Even if you don’t, it may satisfy the voyeur in you that likes to peer into the lives of others.

Her time with us was full of personal revelations for her as I detailed in 359. There was one revelations that was not on the list as she didn’t come to it until later in her visit. That is, she realized she had a lot of controlling behaviors when it came to how she treated her husband, Jaime.

She is controlling, but not in a “tell him what to do” sort of way. She tries to control how he feels about her and how he reacts to her. She is submissive in that she likes to be under his guidance and be told what to do and have to meet his expectations. But even with that, she still wants control over his reactions to her. She wants to be recognized as nice, loving, and caring. Of course, who doesn’t? But for her, it creates two sets of consequences.

One, when she doesn’t get the reaction she wants, she sulks, she misbehaves, and her body language is disapproving. She is likely to start a debate about something he asks of her. Simply, she undermines the dominance she wants from him.

The second consequence of her actions is that it causes Jaime to become uncertain, hesitant, and insecure about whether he is “doing it right” as far as being the Dom she desires. Jaime is a bit shy and reserved by nature. When Chelsea does something he perceives as a rejection or challenge to his role, he backs off from the responsibilities of that role. And in turn, that cascades into several other consequences.

His backing off means Chelsea doesn’t get the consistency she wants from him. In frustration, Jaime has turned to Mike to provide that consistency. I’ve shared before that Mike has become the surrogate Dom to Chelsea and often administers her discipline. And as Mike observed, it was causing both of them to become more passive-aggressive towards each other. Effective communication was breaking down in the process.

One of the things I’ve observed in Mike is that when it comes to communication with me or with Kayla, it is aggressive-agressive, not passive-aggressive. And I don’t mean it as “aggression.” There is no hostility or anger. I mean it in the way aggressive means decisive, clear, assertive, unambiguous, with clearly stated, and more importantly, clearly understood, intentions.

For example:

Passive Aggressive: “Isn’t that a lot of makeup?”
Aggressive-aggressive: “I don’t want you wearing so much make up.”

Sure, aggressive-aggressive is controlling. That’s what D/s is full of. But it is not passive-aggressive. Aggressive-Aggressive is about taking the wheel and driving right to your destination. Passive-Aggressive is hinting and mumbling about your desired destination, and then whining and resenting it when you don’t arrive there.

Chelsea realized that while she still thrives at being submissive, she needs explicit words of encouragement and appreciation from Jaime. All it took was sharing that with Jaime and Jaime was like, “Yeah, I can do that, because I am amazed by you and all you are willing to do for me. ”

Funny, she had fewer reservations about asking Jaime to be spank her and bring Domestic Discipline into their marriage than she did about simply admitting to him she needed more words of encouragement from him. Humans!

It might be easy to blame Jaime for not being more outwardly supportive. But he tends to be a person of few words, and it is just not his demeanor to verbally praise. It reminds me of something I posted several years ago – Post 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline. As well as what is in the two posts right after that one, 159. Follow the Leader. and 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. as well as the post right after that one.

That “Golden Rule” is: Make sure you both recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, it means giving praise.  For the Sub, it means giving thanks. 

Since Chelsea has returned to Jaime, Mike continues to check in with them almost daily. They have both made an effort to work on this issue and apparently it is paying dividends. They both report a new energy and connection in their marriage.

HOWEVER, this post just talked of this newer epiphany regarding Chelsea realizing the impact of her controlling behavior mixed with Jaime’s reserved personality. What of the other realizations Chelsea had as I previously shared?

Her sexuality? She said she really wants Jaime in her life and as her husband, but she would love an open marriage with a third like what I have. And she feels very in love with Kayla. Kayla enjoys Chelsea company and considers her her best friend, but the “love connection” is not 100% mutual. And Kayla told her she is not interested in being their “third” as she is committed to our relationship. But, as ours is an open relationship, that doesn’t mean Kayla can’t be a “friend with benefits.” And for now, that is how that stands. Chelsea shared her feelings with Jaime and reassured him she has no intentions of leaving him – ever. And her desire for a relationship with a woman would always be within the context of their marriage and whatever Jaime would allow.

Chelsea feels relieved to have shared this with Jaime and for Jaime to have accepted it. She said she thinks some of her passive-aggressive tendencies was her trying to suppress or keep her strong feelings about this issue to herself.

I won’t go point-by-point through the remaining realizations shared in those other posts about Chelsea. But, to sum them all up —

While not completely gone, she is definitely on the road to reconciling every one of those issues and doing so with Jaime’s love and support. It’s amazing what 100% transparent communication and allowing yourself to be fully VULNERABLE to your mate can do for a relationship, especially when that vulnerability is reciprocated.

And if by chance it isn’t reciprocated or that the “full you” is not appreciated. . . well, isn’t that an invaluable thing to learn about your mate? It may hurt, but it hurts a lot less than a lifetime of negative behaviors and being unfulfilled.

Next: 369. Make Feeling Good Great Again

366. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

Kayla had a birthday this week. She’s 26. It’s so amazing to experience who she is today and to have been part of the journey that brought her to this point. We also recently had our 2nd anniversary as … well, as I don’t know what you would call it? Publicly bonded triad? I’ll save the Kayla and family update for another post. This one will be about the person I know best. Me!

I want to dive right in to the fulfillment I get from being a submissive wife in Domestic Discipline.

MY MARRIAGE

While I will focus mainly on how I feel about me, I want to start with what it means to my marriage. DD has taken the intimacy level to immeasurable heights. I don’t just mean sexually. By being 100% vulnerable to each other, we both feel completely safe and secure to reveal the truth about ourselves to each other. By being totally free to express our needs, desires, and whims, with the sometimes illogical origins, we are actually revealing the “walls” that are around us. And by revealing them to each other, those walls disappear. As I’ve written many times, the result is, we are one, but not the same (cue U2).

Vulnerability is an amazing thing. Maybe I will post about it some time. — If you are new here, I’ve done like a bazillion posts about the power of vulnerability. Go to my shortcuts and there are nine of them referenced in my Nine Thoughts on Finding Happiness.

ME

To sum up all that submission gives me — It shrinks the world!

It simplifies, synthesizes, and purifies. It filters out all the noise and leaves me able to focus singularly on what is truly important to me.

It gives me structure, and the more rules I have, the more secure I feel.

It provides me clear standards at which to measure my moments and my days.

It gives me time and energy, as I no longer do things that are unimportant, frivolous, or uninspiring.

It makes me accountable to the people that are most important to me and through accountability I am fulfilled and redeemed.

It gives me an incredible amount of love, devotion, and attention from Mike. He is deeply invested in my day-to-day activities like never before.

The sex is incredible! Just sayin’.

Yes, in order to get all those things I have had to give up some things as well. I gave up various powers in exchange for all of the above. Best deal I’ve ever made!

Serving Mike as I do was not done on a whim. We didn’t get to where we are overnight. It was a choice I initially made, and he subsequently made. It filled me with a freedom unlike any I had ever felt. It was absent any pressure or outside urgency. It just felt right from the beginning through today. We somehow found something in each other that we didn’t even know was missing within us and between us. We both offered parts of ourselves that no one had ever offered us nor that we had ever offered each other.

It’s NOT EASY. It’s hard work, dedication, devotion, determination, kindness, and empathy. The hardest part? It’s honesty and communication at a 100% transparent level. It’s the removal of all boundaries between two people. It’s a willingness to explore each other, allow each other to explore the world around us, and explore ourselves all without judgment or fear from the other.

OUT OF OUR VULNERABILITIES CAME OUR STRENGTHS!

And if I had to do it again, my choices would have remained the same.

submissive wife

This. Is. Who. I. Am!

P.S. Did I mention the sex is incredible?

Net: 367. NO-vember: Orgasm Control

365. ONE MORE REFLECTION AND THEN LETS MOVE ON

Re-read my prior post and feel it was a bit jumbled. Thing is, when we attempt to make sense of our today by looking back on events in our life, it’s difficult to discern what were “causes” of where we are. Ultimately, while it is an interesting journey, I am not all that concerned with the “Why I am submissive.” I am more concerned with the “Who I am as a submissive.”

But before I waste your time with diving into that, let me waste your time with one more attempt at making sense of why I am submissive.

While there are more layers to it, I think the overarching reason is that I am a people pleaser.

PEOPLE PLEASER

There are two types of people pleasers, those who like to please because:

– how it makes the object of your pleasure feel
– how it makes you feel

Not to say there can’t be a mix of both, so okay, three types! Anyway, before Domestic Discipline, my overarching motivation was rooted in how it made ME feel. Even worse, I became exclusively focused on my intentions, and not the impact of my actions. If my intentions were pure, damn the results! If the result were not as I intended it wasn’t my fault, and I certainly wasn’t going to change or take any responsibility. In my mind, my intentions were pure and if someone (Mike) questioned the outcome they were saying my intentions were bad. Screw them!

Simply, my people-pleasing was inauthentic. I was using the excuse of the axiom, “You can’t make others feel good if you aren’t happy.” I bastardized it into, “You can’t make others feel good if you aren’t right about everything.” Doh!

When I started reading about Domestic Discipline I believe the concept that jumped out at me was I needed to stop basing my criteria for pleasing others on what I thought pleased them. It must be based on what ACTUALLY pleases them. Then, AND ONLY THEN, I could consider whether it actually fulfilled me to do those things. Yes, it still had to make me happy. If it didn’t, I would eventually become resentful, anxious, insecure, and unloving.

CUE BLACK SABBATH?

The first thing that attracted me to the notion of DD was giving up what I now realized was fake fulfillment, fake feelings, and fake demonstrations of love. Those had to be replaced them with truth. That struck a chord in me. Not the warm and fuzzy type of chord, but a heavy metal power chord courtesy of a Tommi Iomi/Geezer Butler flatted fifth in G. And turn it 11!

Didn’t know I was musical, did you? While not a metal-head, who could deny the power of that chord? I digress

In other words, it was a bit of an ominous realization for me. My attraction to what I was thinking shocked me because at the same time I was like, “BUT, BUT, BUT. . . FEMINISM!” (read Post 350. Equity and Fairness for how I reconcile that). However, the more I read about submitting to my husband, I became more connected to its’ promise.

Then I had to consider what my husband would think. I DID NOT think, “Oh, Mike is going to love this DD stuff.” I actually wasn’t sure he would go for it, as chronicled in my first several posts. Contrary to popular belief, I’ve learned that husbands aren’t always eager to officially take the mantle of Head of Household and all the rights bestowed therein.

I hadn’t fully envisioned what DD was going to mean for us, other than I connected with submitting to Mike. I also somehow innately knew that my submitting was going to require tremendous communication and sharing all our deeply held wishes and desires. That part excited me more than anything. THAT was the moment when the Domestic Discipline light bulb switched on!

It went from the “devils triad” chords to more of a “Windows 98″ Startup sound followed by the Win 98 tada! Again, you can read about that journey by reading through my first dozen posts, starting with #1.

NOT SO FAST, JEN

The name of my blog is Domestic Discipline, Jenny Style. It’s not “Mike Style.” And if you read my first dozen plus posts, you’ll see it was DD on MY terms. So even then, I was still defining our DD based on what I THOUGHT would make Mike happy. But in hindsight, I think for us it was absolutely necessary that we entered Domestic Discipline in that way. I needed to be in control of letting go of control, and Mike, as a newbie Dom, needed to know what he was doing was clearly aligned with my needs and desires. So for us, it worked!

And eventually, I evolved from a Domestic Discipline that was MINE, to a Domestic Discipline that was FOR ME. It took awhile. 2.5 years after starting DD, I wrote this post re Submissive to Mike or Mike’s submissive? Then almost a year after that, this one re My Submission Becomes His Dominance.

But here we are. I am a submissive wife who submits to her husband on his terms. What fulfillment do I get from that? Not some esoteric “Why do I submit?” What feeling do I get today from submitting to my husband and being subject to his leadership and discipline?

Next post. I promise to get it up in a day or two! If not, Mike can spank me on your behalf! Well, to be precise, he can spank me on my backside, but in your honor!

NEXT: 366. This is who I am

363. IRRATIVE PROCESS PART 1 – WHY I SUBMIT

That’s not a typo. I did mean “irrative.” You’ll have to read this post to find out why. Of course, you can scroll right down to the last section if you don’t care to submit yourself to my ramblings.

Picking up where I left off on the last post. Why do I submit?
Again, you can read many posts about my views on submission and happiness by going to my Shortcuts and choosing from my favorite posts on this topic.

I tried to do my best not to repeat my former ramblings and give you all fresh new ramblings, but I think most of this post turned out to be a re-hash of things I’ve previously opined. It may take me one more post to get to some newer, fresher, thoughts on my submission.

BOYS TO MEN

I will start going back to my formative years of youth and how I approached my relationship with boys and eventually with men, including why I was attracted to Mike. As shared before, I met and dated Mike in high school where we dated off on and for several years. We had a different group of friends which made it difficult, but we always remained on friendly terms even when not dating each other. We reconnected shortly after high school – and the rest is history.

What attracted me to Mike, even in high school, was that he always seemed to want nothing more than to make ME happy. I never felt like I had anything to prove to him. Contrast that with other boys I dated who clearly wanted me to make them happy. I say “clearly” but as I look back on it, it was less about them and more about my own perceptions. For some reason most boys made me FEEL like it was my job to make them happy. As I look back, I can say it was more about my own perceptions than anything they overtly did.

Maybe it was “societal norms” influencing my perceptions. Whatever the case, being in charge of a adolescent male’s happiness is a lot of pressure for anyone, let alone an adolescent female. It leads to a lot of self doubt and worry about whether you are being a “good girlfriend.” Feelings that are pretty normal even without any added pressures. But for some reason, I just never felt that way around Mike.

I “DIDN’T CARE” ABOUT MIKE

I think I was a better girlfriend and a better person to Mike because I never cared how he saw me. I know that sounds strange. I mean, I wanted him to like me, and later love me and marry me. But I could be more myself around him versus anyone else. I think that raised my self esteem and made me more attractive to him. And funny thing, he says the same about me. He said he always felt more confident around me, less insecure, more himself. I guess that’s why we clicked!

I strongly believe we attract those who like the vibe we put off. If you are negative, nagging, anxious, insecure, you attract men who like and thrive on that. Yes, there are plenty of men who seek that in a woman. When you truly embrace your feelings, go from needy and anxious to relaxed and sensuous, your vibe attracts an entirely different person. And yes, some men are intimidated and repelled by that.

I always felt deliriously safe with Mike. I believe it was because I didn’t feel compelled to focus on him, and could focus on me. A good man wants to make you happy. When you’re happy, he’s happy, when he’s happy, you’re happy, and the happiness just feeds on itself.

HAPPINESS CAN BE A FOUR LETTER WORD

The challenge is, figuring out what truly makes you happy. The trick is, it’s really hard to know what truly makes you happy. You might be pursuing some idealized version of “happiness” that leaves you very empty, yet you continue your pursuit of it. That type of happiness is a four letter word.

For a long time I thought happiness had to be the “do-it-all-wife.” Work, kids, the whole works. As a parent, I had to be the super-parent, taking on any and everything without asking Mike for help. Why was I so reluctant to involve Mike? I think I figured that out, but will get to that later. For now, let’s soak in my attitude at that time.

I doubled down on my efforts once I became a stay-at-home-mom. My thinking was that if I am not working, I had to take even more parenting and household stuff off of Mike’s plate. Then when our youngest was born and had special needs, I made a conscious effort to take on even more to help minimize the impact our son’s needs had on Mike.

You’re probably saying, “where was Mike during all this.” Oh, he was there, but I was doing my best to keep him at a distance. Over time I pushed him out of a lot of things, even interacting with our kids. At least he had the gumption to insert himself, despite my protests, else he would have missed out on many experiences.

For instance, I would be happy to take the kids on an outing on the weekend to give Mike a free day off of work to relax. He had to practically beg to come along to an outing as I insisted he relax. While my motives were well intended, I eventually learned they made him feel unwelcome in joining his own family on outings . Ouch!

I was not happy, and neither was Mike. No need to re-hash my first few posts about my life pre-DD. You can read them starting here.

In summary, I was doing what I thought made me happy and I thought Mike needed. And Mike, being who he is, was giving me a lot of latitude in doing those things as he wanted to make me happy. But in doing so I was wearing myself down, shutting him out of a lot of things, and not feeling fulfilled by all the things I was doing. And instead of changing, I would just double down even further at what I was already doing. I had this attitude that if was I was doing wasn’t making me happy, maybe if I did it even harder I would be happy.

Doh! Easy to see the error in that thinking now, but at that time, there was no telling me otherwise. Thus, this small shred of mutual resentment appeared. It then started to get larger over time. Then along came DD and our world and marriage and life changed for the better!

BUT WHY WAS I DRAWN TO SUBMISSION?

DD forced me to think about what made me happy. I realized that the happiness I thought I had was false. Post 30. I Found My Thrill sums it up the best, so I won’t rehash it here.

Well, this post has dragged on and on with no real resolution as to what may be behind the tremendous fulfillment I get from serving my husband. Hey, getting to the bottom of such things can be an iterative process, but I will there. It just may take another post or two.

IRRATIVE?

Ha. I made a typo when I first wrote this and typed “irrative” process” instead of iterative. Maybe a Freudian slip! Irrative isn’t a word, but it should be! It’s quite irritating to me to not understand what is at the root of things I think and feel. Hence the reason I started my blog as it helps me to do so.

Anyways, maybe I’ll just have to torture you with one more post about me rambling on about myself. I know you’d rather hear about something sexy or raunchy. Sorry, but if you’re a long time reader, you know you have to suffer the occasional slings and arrows of my outrageous ramblings before you’re rewarded with the “good” stuff. Hey, who just said, “Since when has anything Jen posted been good?” Stop that!

NEXT: Part II. Why I am a submissive wife

361. Childhood is wasted on children

WARNING: No mentions of sex or spankings in this post.

I had a mega-post all written. So big in fact that I needed to break it up into three separate posts. But then, I decided not to post it at all.
– DELETE! –

I concluded that, at that level of detail, it is not my story to share. Three posts about Chelsea are enough (357. We are Four. 358. Chelsea Moves In. 359. DD will Amp you Up). You’re stuck with me writing about my favorite topic – Me – and how better understanding Chelsea’s journey has taught me some things about myself, and people in general.

CHILDHOOD WASTED ON CHILDREN?
It’s a shame that childhood has to be experienced through the mind of a child! Why does such a grand time in our life, the most formative time of our life, have to be lived through the lens of a child? Why does childhood have to be wasted on children?

I say that a tongue-in-cheek to make a point that so much of what we experience as a child shapes us as adults. The problem is those experiences were interpreted through the reasoning and coping skills of a child.

Childhood experiences can have a tremendous effect on us throughout our life. And how our child-self interprets them can be so varied such that kids growing up in the same household with similar experiences can end up with totally different views about those experiences.

Those views are powerful because the conclusions we reached about an experience as a child BECOMES the conclusion that is forever embedded in our psyche. We become slaves to the reasoning skills of a child.

No matter how much we are told or provided clear evidence that an experience wasn’t our fault, or that we misinterpreted what happened, or whatever the case – there is no convincing that child otherwise. As a result, as adults, we remain mired in whatever emotions the experience triggered in our child-self and those emotions can sometimes become all-consuming.

GRANDMA’S COFFEE
I have a fond memory of my grandmother. I was four or five years old. I know my age because it occurred at a house they sold by the time I was six.

I walked into the kitchen and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled the air. She was standing, rather stoic, near the door of the back porch adjacent to the kitchen. She was staring out into her well-manicured back yard. The slight breeze of crisp and cool air seeped in through the screen door. To this day I remember the smell of the coffee, the smell of the air, the touch of the breeze on my cheek, and the look in my grandmother’s eyes.

It was a thirty second experience, or less, before she saw me and said something that broke the moment. I have no recollection of what she said, or of anything else about that day. I surmise the reason this brief experience was seared into my memory was because the look in my grandmother’s eyes. It was more stoic than serene. Even at four or five, I recognized she was deep in though about something very meaningful to her. There was something about her look that made a permanent impression in my mind. That “marker” allowed me to retain all the wonderful details about the moment.

I long to go to that house, stand by the back patio to the kitchen, door open, crisp morning air coming through the screen door, and enjoy a cup of coffee. So much so that I discovered the house is now a vacation rental. Once COVID is over, we hope to rent it! I think my love of coffee is rooted in that experience. When we are ready to rent it, I sure hope there’s a cool morning like the one in my memory.

That was a positive childhood experience. My point is, it was very mundane and inexplicable as to why that memory was seared into my psyche and gives me joy today. It doesn’t make much sense given the countless joyful things I experienced with my grandmother, but I couldn’t tell you of a single smell or what the air was like or the look in her eyes like I can for that morning in the kitchen.

But what about negative experiences? How you interpreted them as a child is now a part of who you are as an adult. Hard wired, deeply rooted, metastasized throughout the core of who you are, how you think, how you treat others, and most importantly, how you think about yourself. And those “negative experiences” could be things that are obviously traumatic, such as abuse. But they also could be over something that was mundane, yet our child-like minds interpreted them otherwise.

CHELSEA REVISITED
Suffice to say Chelsea had some traumatic experiences, and making them worse, they weren’t just cloaked in secrecy between those directly involved. It was a systemic, collective community of secrets, rooted in religion and family tradition. And while you can imagine what some of them might be, some of what she shared were truly mundane things that she interpreted a certain way.

Jaime is due back in about two weeks. Only in the last few days has Chelsea began 100% opening up with Jaime about everything. Not so much her childhood experiences – she says she shared all of that with him when they were dating. No, more importantly, she is sharing what those experiences mean to her. How they influence her, how they have defined her, and how she is striving to have them no longer define herself.

By changing those definitions, she is changing a part of who she is. Change is scary, for her, and for Jaime. While I don’t know what this means for their marriage long term, I sense this is bringing them closer together, not further apart. It’s just that the “new together” that defines their relationship will be different. Not sure exactly how or to what degree, but ultimately, they are changes for the better as far as resulting in a happy, complete, fulfilled, and secure young woman.

WHAT ABOUT ME?
I said this post would be about me. Well, I guess I lied. There was a bit about Chelsea there. ANYWAY – In addition to my realization that one problem with childhood is that it is experienced by children, it also got me thinking about why I connect so strongly to submitting to my husband. It caused me to re-examine my child-mind to better understand what is that makes submission so fulfilling and wonderful to me.

It goes back all the way to Post 3. The Search when I shared how I stumbled on the idea of Domestic Discipline. As I shared in that post, I approached it with repulsive feelings, and as I read more, I felt the repulsion melt and be replaced with giddy anticipation over what is possible. Why?

You can read thirteen posts I’ve highlighted in my Shortcuts regarding my thoughts on being submissive or the nine posts I highlighted in the Shortcuts under the heading, Finding Happiness.

I’ve read through all of them again, and while all true to my feelings, they don’t fully get to the root at trying to explain why submission fulfills me. I think I will give that a go on my next post! Uh-oh, esoteric ramble time!

359. Domestic Discipline will AMP YOU UP

Domestic Discipline will AMP {clap} you up!

Picking up where I left off. . .

When Chelsea arrived she emptied her suitcase and other personal items in our guest bedroom and joined us in the living room as Mike calls us together for this unique “Maintenance Session” as explained in my prior post.

And as if by magic, something unexpected happened. Something that could take months, if not years, or even a lifetime for someone to articulate to someone else. Chelsea said the most amazing and surprising thing.

As I left off in the prior post, Mike stated, “. . . I don’t ask you to be anyone other than yourself.”

Chelsea didn’t say anything right away. It’s like I could sense the wires starting to connect… zzzt, zzzt, zzzzzzt!

With the saddest face humanly possible, she mumbled,
“But. But. But, what if I’m not enough? What if there’s something wrong with me?”

And then she cried.

Mike immediately went to her and held her. He assured her that no matter what, it can only be right.

I recognized Chelsea had a lot she needed to get off her chest. I felt like the setting might be intimating for her. Seemingly ready to reveal her worst fears in life, I felt the fewer people around the better. Overcoming my predisposition to be nosy, I knew my presence wasn’t valuable. While Kayla is her best friend, I sensed even having her around might be a bit much. Chelsea said what she said to Mike, staring straight at him as if we weren’t even there. I asked Mike if Kayla and I could leave the room and he agreed.

I don’t have a bad relationship with Chelsea, but it hasn’t evolved to be one best suited for what it appeared she needed at that moment. I’ve never had a meaningful one-on-one discussion with her. Probably the most I ever talked to her without Mike or Kayla around was during our threesome with TJ. A totally different context!

Mike and Chelsea were left in our living room as Kayla and I retreated to our bedroom. It was about two hours before Mike came in, Chelsea in hand. He said we will watch a movie and just relax together. (We watched The One and Only Ivan. It was okay. Various sub-plots going on and worth a watch on television but I am glad we didn’t spend movie money on it. Sort of what you probably feel about reading my blog! lol). Chelsea sat on the couch between Mike and Kayla, and I was sitting in the recliner. Chelsea was gripping Mike’s hand almost like a scared child. During the movie she ended up with her head on his shoulder, and she fell asleep. It wasn’t that late. Maybe 8:30 or 8:45 p.m.

After about thirty minutes of her sleeping, Mike gently woke her and softly asked her if she would like to go to bed. She nodded and he whispered for her to get ready for bed and he would come to the room in a bit.

He went to the bedroom and didn’t return to the living room for about forty-five minutes. He asked Kayla to talk to Chelsea, so she did. It got later and later and eventually both me and Mike got ready for bed and could still hear the mumbling of Kayla and Chelsea talking.

Kayla eventually emerged and asked Mike if she could sleep with Chelsea. “As in sleep, sleep, no sex,” she clarified. She said Chelsea didn’t want to be alone. Mike agreed and oddly, he added, “And if it leads to sex, so be it. I’ll leave that up to you.”

I didn’t ask Mike to tell me what Chelsea shared. I’ve learned from my relationship with Kayla that it is best to leave it up to her to share with me what she wants. There shouldn’t be this assumption that I “deserve” or demand to know everything they discuss or do with Mike. They are free to explore and develop their relationship with him, free from my hovering around it. In this case, Mike told Chelsea he would share things with me, thus. . .

Mike told me that Chelsea indeed has a lot of “sorting out to do.” I pretty much nailed it in my assessment that she isn’t connected to what she is truly feeling or truly wants. Mike said that’s only half of it.

I don’t intend to turn my blog into the “Chelsea life story blog.” But the run down is this:

CHELSEA’S CHALLENGES
1. She’s uncertain of her sexuality
She thinks she might be gay. Bisexual for sure. Prefers women, not to say that she doesn’t love Jaime. It’s just “different, complicated, and confusing.”

2. Jaime’s fidelity
Jaime cheated on her a lot before they got married, supposedly not since. She never really reconciled it in her mind and continues to blame herself for not being enough for him during that time.

3. She fears not being enough
She loves her husband and wants him to be happy and be the one for him to be happy with. Her guilt and insecurities (my words) made her put tremendous pressure on herself and her hopes that D/s would transform their relationship for the better. She personally likes being submissive and was eager to embrace D/s. Her expectations were very high. She feels she connected with D/s and gets to be more of her true self as a submissive. This makes Jaime’s perceived rejection of it all the more painful to her.

4. She’s loves being submissive
While loving the idea of being submissive, it only has felt right to her when Mike is the one providing direction or delivering consequences. She admitted to acting up (aka “bratting”) with Jaime so that Jaime would have to take action. Instead, Jaime would often turn to Mike in frustration.

She likes submitting to Jaime, but, in her words, “he’s bad at being a Dom.” And despite all the issues, she is convinced she loves Jaime but not convinced he loves her.

5. Swinging/swap conflict
She hasn’t fully reconciled the whole swinging/swap stuff within our COT. Part of her feels it’s Jaime’s way of demonstrating she isn’t enough for him. But at the same time, she said they both found it exciting and they connected in new ways. They both were open with each other about what they did, what they felt, what they liked, what they didn’t. She cherished those conversations and it made her feel good that he enjoyed it and enjoyed her enjoying it. But she isn’t 100% convinced. Again, lots of insecurities.

6. She’s in love with Kayla
Yeah, there’s that. She admitted it.

WHAT DOES JAIME KNOW?
Mike asked her how much of this she discussed with Jaime. Virtually none!

She thinks sharing her thoughts about her sexuality would be unfair because she hasn’t figured it out herself. “What if I am wrong and he freaks out over nothing? What if he thinks it means I don’t love him or that he is inadequate in some way? What if he leaves?”

She wants a life with him, as his wife, kids, all that. My thoughts are that she’s not gay, bisexual for sure, and will hopefully come to terms with it at her own pace regarding what it means for her and her marriage.

She’s mortified to address their D/s and our COT. “What if I am right and he never wanted it or liked any of it. I feel so embarrassed for liking it myself.” My two cents is that he enjoys her submission and the COT. I think he is just as insecure as she is. That insecurity comes off as indifference. There’s just too much left unsaid between them and their individual insecurities are filling in the gaps.

She said they did have conversations about the swinging, but she never revealed her motivations behind it – motivations based on pleasing him. And while they mutually shared the genuine excitement and energy it brought to their relationship, she never told him that it also includes feelings of not being enough or being discarded. Despite her liking so many things about it, at its root it represented her failings as a wife. Those horrible feelings were conflicted with the thrill it also brought to both of them and their relationship. And her love of the eperiences with other women was conflicted with her concerns about her sexual identity.

All of this was from her eight hours with us! Things sure move fast in my kink-vortex! I’ve got a theory about why that is, but I’ll save that for some other post.

MY NEW NARRATIVE
The next day we followed through with our plans and Chelsea shadowed me much of the day, and then shadowed Kayla the next, she even saw Kayla get spanked. And I’ve now had the opportunity to talk to Chelsea one-on-one for quite awhile and I’ve adjusted my narrative about her.

She knows who she is, she’s just afraid to show it, both to herself, and to others. A fear based in her childhood that she carried forward to her marriage. Her ability to articulate what she wants is hiding behind the thinnest veneer. Once punctured, she has been very articulate, clear, and more importantly, confident.

She wants to be married to Jaime. She wants to let him lead and needs to work with him on defining what that means on his terms, not hers. She wants an open marriage, especially wants to explore her sexuality more. She understands that may be hard on Jaime as he may fear her leaving him for a woman. They’ll just have to work that out and it is no different than her fears he could leave her for another woman. “Who knows,” she said, “maybe we find a win-win and get ourselves a third!”

She likes D/s and loves the idea of submitting, to Jaime, to Mike, or to a woman. She feels the most comfortable in a submissive role, including being disciplined. She said she always felt fine being spanked as a child. Not that she enjoyed it, but that it didn’t make her feel defective and she doesn’t feel scarred by it. To her it was effective and she believes it is “appropriate for a husband to spank his wife. ”

When she said that, I was ready to denounce that concept. I don’t buy into it as being “appropriate” in the way she was using that word. She was using it as meaning “natural order of things.” Ug. That’s not my belief. I’ve ranted about that before so will spare you another rant. Suffice to say, I bit my tongue and accepted that if it was right for her, then so be it. (120. Is this submissive a feminist, and 350. Equity and Fairness)

WHAT NOW?
For now she is waiting to have her deep dive conversation with Jaime. She wants to continue talking with us, flexing her ability to articulate her feelings and better understand what it is she is feeling. And by us, I do mean us. She’s opened up to me and I think likes the attention from all three of us, especially Mike. She Facetimes every day with Jaime, and Jaime even noted her upbeat demeanor. It seems she is feeling good about the direction she is headed.

BTW, Chelsea didn’t have sex with Kayla that first night. They just cuddled and went to sleep. There’s some things that have to be sorted out there because Chelsea loves Kayla. Kayla loves her to but not in that same way, so it’s unfair to pursue the sexual activities if the feelings are unbalanced. And there is the whole thing of what role Mike plays in Chelsea’s life and her dynamic within her marriage. But all of those things flow from Chelsea first needing to establish a stronger sense of self. Once that is done, everything else should be much easier to sort out.

I’ve always stated that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, or go down a path of exploring kinks (which is related to vulnerability), the experience serves as an AMPLIFIER for what your relationship already has. If there are fears, insecurities, and confusion, they will be amplified ten-fold. If there is trust, acceptance, and confidence, that too will be amplified ten-fold.

And Domestic Discipline amplifies all of them even more.

356. THOSE WHO I HAVE INVITED INTO MY LIFE

It’s been awhile since I reflected on my submission. My submission has been on auto-pilot for at least a year, if not longer. Effortless. Routine. A reflex that is a part of me and my every day life. I believe that has contributed to my posting malaise.

At first, I wasn’t going to bother to blog about what I shared in Post 354. So much so that I had made a post (Post 353) that occurred after that first incident and I made no mention of the punishment. I was that bla​sé about it. It wasn’t until the second incident chronicled in my prior post that I felt like sharing any of it.

I was at a point where I was overly self-conscious about my DD. I stated this before. It was like I needed to isolate it and protect it by not sharing something that I know some people find abhorrent. Funny thing is I didn’t feel that way about any other aspect of my lifestyle. The free-wheeling sex and stuff, no problem! But my husband spanking my hiney… well, that’s just too much!

Then I published #353. I felt a rush. A sensation I hadn’t felt from blogging in a long time. And I realized it really excites me to share those stories. I immediately recognized that feeling as a feeling I get anytime I feel exposed. AND I LOVE THAT FEELING.

It very much relates to my exhibitionist thrill. I’ve shared this thrill in several posts, but simply, I love the uncomfortable feeling of putting something out there for people to see and judge. It goes back to… well, come on now, if you are a long time reader you know what I am going to say. No ramble from Jen is complete without it. . . It goes back to vulnerability!

I love feeling vulnerable. Of the many posts on that topic, I like my first one the best. Short and to the point, unlike most of my posts). Sharing what I view as the most-generally-understood-to–be-socially- unacceptable aspects of my life is very vulnerable inducing! Thus as soon as I hit “Publish” I got this hit of dopamine or whatever “feel good” endorphins the body creates. Me like!

And it has lit a flame in my belly that I haven’t felt in some time regarding blogging. I don’t know how long it will last, but it’s time to open the kimono more frequently and share what’s going on in my life. Even if no one reads it, just putting it out there feels exhilarating again.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SPANKING?
I don’t have any issues with how I was disciplined. I felt it was 100% deserved and appropriate. I anticipated worse, physically speaking. Emotionally? Well, maybe I got more than I expected, but I still believe Mike was spot on.

It is easy to question whether the discipline is effective. After all, it recurred in a matter of weeks and there have been multiple recurrences in the past. Since when is discipline ever a one-time cure-all? It isn’t, even in DD.

Having consequences for my actions, consequences that my husband has to deliver, is at the core of my submission and at the core of what has made me be the wife, mother, lover, friend, daughter, sister, and person I want to be. And while I hate to make such a bold prediction, I am highly confident that this particular issue will not recur. It’s in the vault!

IS SPANKING OVERRATED?
One area of reflection regarding this last incident is whether spanking is as effective as it once was, or if the non-spanking discipline is more effective? Difficult for me to judge. I think it varies which is why varying or mixing the type of discipline I receive works best for me. However, I leave that up to Mike as that is his responsibility. We still have regularly weekly Maintenance to stay calibrated, but it is ultimately his role to determine what is best – and over five years of doing this I don’t take exception to ANYTHING he has ever prescribed.

MY JOURNEY
Another area to reflect on is simply my journey. I love having this blog to go back to and I re-read my first dozen or so posts every so often. They still ring as true for me today as they did then. And for those newer readers of my blog who seemed a bit surprised that I am subject to the kind of discipline I shared in the last two posts — I encourage you to read those posts as well. I think they answer a lot of questions as to “Why?” My shortcuts can quickly get you to Post #1

FINAL THOUGHTS
This gets a bit esoteric, but I am keenly aware that full awareness is never possible (or maybe it is, but you’ll never be aware of it, thus the psychological conundrum regarding “awareness”) .

Point is, my perceptions about my own life and about my DD may never fully reflect “reality.” Sensations, thoughts, memories, images, desires, and emotions are constantly changing and superseding each other. Therefore, in times of self reflection I try to not just think through how it is I interpret my life and actions. It’s important for me also do a different type of self reflection. . . seeing myself through others.

It is through seeing myself through others that I believe I get a more accurate assessment of my life. By the way, others do not include faceless online trolls or even friendly blog followers. Those are all curious “outside” references, but should never define us. No, “others” are simply the people I have invited into my life. Mike and Kayla of course, but also my kids, extended family that I frequently interact with, our Circle of Trust, and friends. This even includes some online friendships.

I like that phrase…”those who I have invited into my life.” Much better than “family and friends.” It is the best way to think about the people you surround yourself with. It reminds you that YOU invite them into your life. Just as you may push others away (hopefully the toxic ones), you invite these people to stay (hopefully the health ones). THEY often can define you better than you can define yourself.

Based on their perspectives, I am as happy, healthy, confident, secure, and fulfilled as I perceive myself to be! It feels to me that there is nothing in existence that can EVER mount a meaningful challenge to that perception.

Until. . .

P.S. Hey English police, is it “those who I have invited into my life” or “those whom I have invited into my life?” I think I got it right re “who” versus “whom” but I could be wrong. Feel free to school me!