Category Archives: 3. Musings

Various rambles on why I thrive on submitting to my husband and the trails and tribulations of adopting Domestic Discipline.

265. Joy without submission?

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The post before last I posed a question about why Mike was more in tuned than I was regarding our little bit of “drifting” from our regular DD routines.   I ask it because I find it curious.  I am not troubled by it.  In fact, I think the fact Mike noticed it before me is a milestone in our DD.  Up until then, I was the one either asking for more discipline or lamenting over something feeling “off.”   It’s great that Mike noticed it and was willing to say something – albeit a bit vaguely.

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken a philosophical self-analyzing trip into my DD journey.  So now is a good time to do that.   

THEN WHY SO JOYFUL?
It was odd that Mike noticed it first, but it was more odd that I wasn’t anywhere near sensing it.  My level of fulfillment and joy over the last several months has been sky high!  Does that mean I would prefer a softening of our DD and that I am not getting as much joy from it as I once was?  

Oh, and before I answer that.  I would not be bothered by either a yes or no answer.  Certainly, a “yes” would pose a challenge in that we would have to work to reconcile the different needs, but I am confident we could do so if needed.  It isn’t realistic to assume needs will never change, and we are committed to finding equitable solutions to any differences we face, kink or otherwise.   

HOWEVER, my needs haven’t changed, nor has Mike’s.  So, YES, I still want the level of D/s we attained before we drifted a bit.  Perhaps I am not yearning as much for it, but I not only enjoy it, I know I need it – emotionally and as part of being the wife, mother, and person that I want to be.   It is actually a good thing that I can find contentment in other aspects of my life.  It isn’t either I have D/s or I shrivel up and die.

Fulfillment has many facets, and being submissive is an important one, but not the only one.  I am sure there are times where I need to be more in my submissive headspace than other times.  Just like there may be times Mike needs to feel his dominance more than other times.  So why wasn’t I needing it as much lately?  Where has my fulfillment been coming from?

There are many joys in my life that transcend submission.

FAMILY!
I won’t re-hash all the great developments with my kids, but suffice to say, it is hard to not feel fulfilled when your kids appear to be happy.   Okay, I won’t re-hash them in detail, but here’s a summary as I can’t resist showing some pride in my kids! 

T1 bought a house, and is getting married to a great woman who I adore.  T2 graduating college, finding a great job, and growing into full adulthood.  J, who has exceeded all the expectations we had for him just a few years ago.  His growth and development despite his disability has been amazing.   

And then there is Kayla – I love her and she loves me.  I am so happy for her and all she adds to my marriage and my family.  And most importantly, she is happy.   Being out in the open about her has also been a great emotional booster for all of us.  

And there’s more – extended family!  A great relationship with my sisters, with whom I can be open and honest in sharing my life choices.  And re Kayla – my parents, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles — while not everyone is as accepting as I would like, it is still liberating to be open with it.   And their (well, some of them) willingness to give naturism a try further shows their openness and acceptance of my family.

FRIENDSHIPS AND FINANCES
And even more…
friendships!   A close friendship with John and Donna, our “unique” relationship with Matt, and a great group of pals in my “lunch bunch” friends.  I also think the relationship with Matt has been invigorating.  We are over the “honeymoon” phase of it so it has lost a bit of its mystique, but, I know I got an emotional boost from it all.  I still do, just not what it was when it was all new. 

And beyond the emotional fulfillment, Mike’s work has been going well, so finances haven’t been an area of stress.  And with T2 done with college — the finances look even better.  We can finally start ramping up funding our retirement and making sure J can be supported for his lifetime.

NUDISM
I have to give nudism some credit as well.  It really has had an amazing positive psychological impact on me and my family.  It has boosted everyone’s self-confidence, not that it was particularly lacking.  It also tightens the already strong emotional bond we share.   Can’t explain it – it just does.    Perhaps adopting nudism is the ultimate in “vulnerability.”  And if you read my countless posts about vulnerability, you’ll know all the positive results that come with allowing yourself to be vulnerable.   

SUBMISSION
And it isn’t like we took a hiatus from our DD.  I have remained very submissive throughout my daily activities and have had the occasional punishment.    Our “drift” was very subtle.  So my need for submission was still being fed, just perhaps a little bit smaller helpings.  

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT MY DD
Yes, I admit it.  Not every ounce of my joy and fulfillment comes from feeding my submissive mindset.  That’s a good thing.  My identity as a submissive defines my relationship with my husband, a relationship that is the largest contributor to my fulfillment – but not the only contributor.

I think sometimes when joy is lacking in one facet of life, you subconsciously try to make up for it somewhere else.  Perhaps that is why I sort of took my eye off of my DD.  I didn’t notice we had backed off a little because I am getting so much fulfillment elsewhere.  My submissive-mindset-fulfillment-meter could actually dip a bit and I didn’t notice it.  That’s okay.  Our needs are not a constant.

And to Mike’s credit, it isn’t like he wasn’t feeling fulfilled by our kids and aspects of life beyond just the two of us.  He recognized he also feels great about all of those things I have mentioned.  I think the difference is every day he was being the Dom that Kayla needed, giving him a point of reference for our D/s.  That vantage point allowed him to sense the widening gap between the fulfillment he was getting as her Dom versus the fulfillment he was getting as mine.  So he said something – and I am glad he did.

The result was the tweaks and refocusing that I shared on one of my previous posts.  You do know what that means, don’t you?  More opportunities to be disciplined.   And that is not just theoretical, but a fact.  Yes, there has been an increase in discipline. Hmm…maybe there is a spanking story coming up?

Next: 266. Domestic Discipline Throwback: A Spanking two-fer

264. Won’t you be my (nude) neighbor?

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A few posts back I mentioned Mike tasked me with talking to some of our neighbors to basically get their permission to allow us to be naked in our backyard.  Asking their permission seems to be the neighborly thing to do.

BREAKING THE LAW!?
Surprise!  In my state, Texas, there are no state laws prohibiting women from being topless.  However, if you are causing a disturbance you risk a charge of disorderly conduct or even public lewdness or indecent exposure.

In the context of our nudity, such charges are rare and often end up being thrown out (not that I want to go through the stress of being charged).  Typically these charges are dismissed as codes specifically refer to “sexual acts.”  Nakedness, by itself, is not defined as sexual.  Interesting that the law gets it, but general society doesn’t!  

However, the codes do refer to nakedness in regards to genitals.  Some codes prohibit exposing “genitalia.”  The good news there is breasts aren’t genitals.  How nice that our laws recognize that breasts are not sexual organs!   But, there is some risk of charges if you are naked “down there.”  Where charges tend to get made and tend to stick is when there was clear sexual intent, gratification, arousal, etc., going on.  That is not the context for our nudity.  

There are some cities in Texas that have codes that explicitly allow women to be topless — anywhere in the city!   In most cities it isn’t explicitly allowed, it just isn’t explicitly prohibited.  Breastfeeding, nude sunbathing, or public urination have been held up in courts as NOT constituting indecent exposure.  And most jurisdictions are not aggressive in trying to broadly interpret the codes as such interpretations typically fail in court.  Basically, if no one complains, no action is taken.  

The lack of aggression in trying to inforce the “nudity” statutes may also come from the fact not too many people try to push the boundaries.  Despite nothing prohibiting it, I haven’t seen or heard of anyone walking topless in public  (now Mike, don’t get any ideas!).  

Ultimately, most of the prohibition is focused on whether or not the naked person was reckless in failing to consider whether or not someone who is present will be offended or alarmed – thus, asking the neighbors is not just neighborly, it is legally prudent.

Simply put, if no one complains, nothing happens.  If someone complains, it is unlikely anything will happen.  In the rare cases you are charged, it often gets thrown out.  But, because some of these codes fall under “sex crimes,” it is very intimidating to want to try and test the waters as to what the codes permit.  And because the legality is often left up to whether or not someone was “offended or alarmed,” well, you can see why it can be risky.  

Despite this, my security-conscious private-person-of-a-husband, Mike, feels confident in our moving forward with this.  He is as taken to nudism as I am and feels strongly that we should be comfortable mowing our yard naked, sitting on our patio naked, or walking to and from our shed naked.  No one can really see us from our patio except maybe our heads – unless they go out of there way to peer over the fence.  And where our bodies can be seen, we typically will be moving thus any glimpses will be fleeting — and mostly from the mid-belly upwards — again, unless someone goes out of there way to peer over the fence.

MINI-RANT
There’s this line I’ve heard that goes something like, “Our sexuality is taken from us, commercialized, then sold back to us at a price.”  A comment that society demonizes our sexuality (especially women), then packages it and sells it to us at a price. In other words, it is only accepted if someone else can profit from it.   
Want to fill our kids with images of sexual suggestiveness, even combine it with violence?   Sure thing, every single day, no problem!  Allow anyone to see a naked body in a non sexual way?  No way, never, what’s wrong with you?!? Oh, I can go on a major rant.  But I won’t.   Check out www.freethenipple.com.

On to see the neighbors. . . 

NEIGHBOR #1
They live next door.  A couple about my age, soon-to-be-empty-nesters with just one child at home – she is 18, just graduated high school and will be attending school away from home in the fall.  Four other kids ranging from age 20-25, and some of them drop in frequently.

They have several different vantage points into our yard, but each one only provides a limited view.  They would have to stand in the middle of their yard in order to get the best view.  

I talk to the wife quite a bit, typically a short hello as we pull in or out of our driveways, but occasionally more meaningful dialogue.  I feel good about talking to her about this.  She immigrated from Spain, she is an artist, and just has this vibe where I sensed she was going to be fine with this.   She was.  

She shared she had been to nudist beaches and resorts in Europe when she was younger.  Her and her husband even took their two eldest kids back when they were little.  It was never thought of as a “trip to the nudist beach,” it was simply, “going to the beach.”   They stopped going simply because they moved and it wasn’t convenient to seek out a nude beach and the nudism wasn’t something they felt compelled to pursue.  And she didn’t even think of their nudity in the home as being “nudism.”  It was simply, “not being dressed yet.”

She shared that they last went to a nude beach about six years ago when their eldest daughter was looking at colleges.  They stayed in San Diego and went to a beach that had a nude section.  They were intrigued, so the whole lot of them went to the “nude section” and all got naked.  At that time the kids ranged from about 11 to 18.

Yep – her family doesn’t have any issues with nudity.  Oh – and it just so happens, San Diego is where T2 moved, so, humm…perhaps if we visit him we need to find that beach!

She assured me she was fine with us being naked in our own back yard, that her husband would concur, and her daughter would be fine.  Her only concern was that she asked me to be open to any requests for us to be clothed in the event they were expecting guests who may be “offended or alarmed.”   Of course!

That was easy!

NEIGHBOR #2.
She lives directly behind us.  I don’t know her very well.  She is in her late 50’s, retired high school teacher.  She is divorced, lives alone, and has two older daughters, each with a child under two.  Both daughters visit frequently with their kids and spouses (one is married to a man, the other to a woman).  

Her view into our yard is basically from about the shoulders up, except for one area where she could see from about the belly button on up.

She was surprised — “Like, naked naked. As in, no clothes at all naked?”   Yep, that’s the kind of naked I was talking about.   But she also appeared comfortable.

She then joked, “What’s in our water?  Do you know my next-door-neighbors are nudists?”

Yep, her neighbor, who is diagonal to my backyard, are nudists.  They have a little higher fence then everyone else… perhaps 8 foot instead of 6.  They also have one side of their yard with this dark black mesh extending above the fence about another two feet.  I assumed it was to block the sun, but apparently, it also serves to block the view.  They also have a large shed and tree in the corner adjacent to my yard, so views to and from that yard into mine are zero – but I hear kids in their swimming pool all the time.

She says she knows the family very well and has no qualms about what they do.  She said she can’t see a thing from her house so she wouldn’t even know when and if they are naked.

Wow!.  I was ready to pinch myself.  2 for 2!  How can I be so fortunate?  This was too easy!  HOWEVER. . . .

NOT THAT!
She asked me so, “So, we are talking about just you and your husband?”

I shared that J may be out at times and might be nude, and that we have friends and family members, young and old, who are nudists.  It’s rare that we hang out in the backyard when they are over, but, it is always possible.

And then — I explained who Kayla was – after all, we aren’t hiding her relationship.

My revelation seem to shake her a bit, and she started back-peddling on her comfort level with our nudism.  It was if my poly situation suddenly made my nudism something shameful.  While news of my inferred-bisexuality may have been news to her, she has a gay daughter, so I assumed that wasn’t the issue.  It was simply the thought of having this “open” marriage and “What about J?”

It prompted many questions – similar to those I posted about here.  The difference is that instead of answering those questions from my sisters or other people who were a bit more connected to me, this neighbor is not much more than stranger.  Even though they were the same questions, they felt a lot more “judgey.”

The discussion was very civil, but I did feel judged.  But in the end, I felt good about it.  She was very nice and while my news shook her a bit, seemed to shrug it off with, “whatever floats your boat.”  I was proud I didn’t hesitate to share who Kayla was and what she meant to Mike and I.  It isn’t something to be shameful of.  And I felt good that ultimately, she accepted it, albeit after some discussion.

Not that I needed her acceptance, but, don’t we all feel better when others accept us, regardless who they are?   I think I just needed to convince her my request that day wasn’t about asking to host orgies in my backyard.  And odd she didn’t need that convincing until I brought up Kayla.

NUDISM AND KINK
My convo with Neighbor 2 hit on something I have been becoming increasingly sensitive to.  Yes, you can describe my DD, D/s, and poly as kinky – I accept they are all unusual aspects of my life.  And I accept that nudism is also unusual. 

It is also unusual to have a special needs child.  It it unusual to have a husband who can work a lot from home.  It is unusual that I’ve been able to be a stay-at-home mom for around 20-years.  It is unusual that T1 is not my biological son.

Just because there is something that is “not the norm” about a given aspect of my life, doesn’t mean that it should serve, by itself, as a value-statement or that it is automatically connected to some other aspect of my life.   

My “kink” is no more related to my nudism than it is related to many other aspects of my life.  E would have come into my son’s life without my kink, and we would have been introduced to her lifestyle.  I believe we would have embraced it, even if we were still “vanilla.”  I will concede that, because of DD, our relationship and mindset is more open to at least considering avant-garde ideas, but nudism?  We would have tried it even if we were still vanilla – and I know we would have loved it just the same. 

NOT A GOOD NUDIST ADVOCATE
The issue I have tried to be sensitive to, and that my neighbor reinforced, is that I think I do the idea of nudism a disservice when I write about it.  My blog is not just “a day in the life” of Jennifer.  It is a blog about Domestic Discipline and my relationship with Kayla, and all the other various unusual things (aka kinks) I experience. 

It has crossed my mind that my writing about nudism could feed into the false notion that nudism is connected to something sexual, naughty, or forbidden.   It is none of those things.

I feel bad knowing so many people connect nudity with lust, shame, and a host of nothing but negative or “sinful” feelings.  There was a time I felt all those as well – and I cherish the fact I don’t any longer, and that I am surrounded by people who don’t feel that way either.  But sharing things (kink) that others would also label as lust, shame, and a host of other negative or “sinful” feelings ends up connecting the two.  

Because I do thing you may not approve – fine, judge me on those things.
Because I may do things you may not approve of while wearing sneakers – fine, judge me on those things and don’t judge my sneakers.
Because I may do things you may not approve of while naked – fine, judge me on those thing and do not judge my nakedness.

Of course, people won’t care about my sneakers as they have no conditioning to connect my sneakers with judgmental, “oh, you are one of those” type thoughts (although I do know some people who are pretty passionate about Nike’s).   Also, I don’t value my sneakers enough for to me to care if people think ill of them.  But nudism?  Many people will care, and I value my families’ embrace of nudism  – so I do care if people think ill of it.

THE NUDE NORMAL
The good news — my neighbors!  I am grateful my neighbors do not think ill of it.  And thus, our nakedness in our backyard begins!

As for me writing about it, well, we will just have to see.   I’d love to write about it in a way that shows how beneficial and normal it is, but a “kink” blog is not a good place to normalize anything, except kink!

Speaking of “normal” — Kink is waaaay more normal than people want to admit.
DD, D/s, poly, swinging, or whatever else you want to label as being part of my life — my writing doesn’t normalize it in terms of getting people to think about doing it…it’s been thought of since the dawn of mankind.   What I hope it does is hopefully normalize it in terms of people being willing to admit what they already do or admit that they want to do it.  In other words, it removes the shame and other negative stigma’s and replaces them with happiness, joy, fulfillment, contentment, and so on.

The fact you found my blog and are reading it tells me you have some level of interest, even if you don’t partake!  And you are “normal” either way.

Next: 265. Joy without submission?

260. More Mike, Jen, & Kayla: Equity vs. Equality

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OPEN MARRIAGE
Labels are always tricky.  I don’t like the word “open” in the context of my marriage.  It infers “always open” as in, no barriers to entry and just picking up whatever the wind blows in.  It’s not like that.

It is open in this context – we are open to the concept that love is not finite nor needs to be confined to just two people.  My marriage indeed has barriers – say, four walls and a roof – it is just that the doors aren’t sealed shut.   We are open to answering a knock and evaluating whether or not we let them in.

ANSWERING QUESTIONS
As we are now open about Kayla, a few brave souls have asked questions – both people in my family and, during our vacation, some of E’s family.  Neither Mike, Kayla, or I had any qualms about answering any questions. and most were directed to me.  I think being the wife they felt I had some sort of aggrieved status that made my answers more credible, or at least more interesting.  

Many of the questions inferred concerns which fell into the same three buckets as what my sister’s expressed about my DD.  It’s degrading, it’s unfair, it’s unhealthy.  I used some of the same responses I used on my sisters as shared in Post 136. 

People seemed generally receptive.  They at least seemed to respect that I had thought through those issues and at least reconciled them for myself.  I learned if I answer their questions truthfully and with conviction, they quickly go from being concerned to simply being curious.  That curiosity often led to discussions about our views on relationships in general.

As I mentioned, I used an approach similar to that in Post 136 in answering their questions.  However, as it just so happens, I came across an additional way I can express myself going forward and I wanted to share it. 

INSPIRATIONAL CREDIT
I credit livingwithx.wordpress.com as my inspiration (i.e., I copied a lot).  I encourage you to read his About section.   I love to reflect and get all esoteric – but I know I do it in a wordy and rambling sort of way.  I appreciate his ability to be succinct.  What takes me an entire post to try to convey, he accomplishes in a few words or bullet points.

The concerns people expressed to me were often rooted in confusing  FAIRNESS with SAMENESS (which I covered in Post 136).  But it is deeper than that, and livingwithx explained it in a way that I feel was more eloquent and powerful than delineating fairness from sameness.  Their concerns were also rooted in confusing EQUITY with EQUALITY.

You can pretty much substitute his word, Equity, with my word, Fairness, as well as his word, Equality, for my word, Sameness.  It isn’t so much the labels that were powerful to me, it was in how livingwithx defined them.  

Equity is giving your relationship everything it needs to be successful.
Equality is making sure everyone in the relationship is being treated the same.

It’s simple. In your relationship, do you value success, or do you value sameness?  The answer seems obvious, but society conditions us to focus on the latter.  People are quick to identify the injustice of the smallest inequality.  So much so that they often overlook the devastation that comes from a lack of equity. 

As I illustrated to my sisters in Post 136, their drive for equality in their relationship has led to a lot of inequities.  I am not saying they are miserable — they are happy in their marriages.  But I am saying their relationships with their husbands could be more fulfilling (and they agree!).   And part of the reason is their focus on equality over equity.

Next time I am posed with a “Kayla” question, I think I will start it with a statement that in my relationship with Mike, we value success over sameness.  Then let the conversation go from there.  I believe most people agree they want the former, not the latter.  If so, then it is simply about finding what it is that your relationship needs, and go for it.  So did my relationship actually “need” Kayla?   More on that in a bit. 

WHAT DOES EQUITY REQUIRE?
Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Ouch!  I think that deserves repeating.   Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Why do people stay in such relationships?  At least try to invest the equity it takes to improve things.  As someone who has always been very self-reflective and in constant state of investing equity, it is hard for me to relate to someone accepting an equal relationship over one that is equitable.

I’ll admit though that my investments in equity didn’t always pay off.  Partly because I wasn’t being honest with myself regarding what I really needed and partly because I wasn’t being honest with Mike in communicating what I thought I needed (i.e. I lacked vulnerability).  Oh, and partly because Mike wasn’t in an equitable state of mind because he was also focused on “equality” plus, he wasn’t always open and honest about what he needed (i.e he lacked vulnerability).  So yeah, just wanting and seeking equity doesn’t mean you’ll get it.

So if equity isn’t about seeking everything your relationship needs to be successful, what is it?   Oh!  It is about finding what it needs to be successful.  How do you do that?  It’s a learning process.  So how do you learn that?

IT STARTS WITH YOU – YOU ARE #1
I know it sounds selfish, but first, you have to know what you want and then, you must be willing to ask for what you want.  Simply put, you need to find a partner that fulfills YOUR NEEDS.  Nothing really selfish in that.  That is relationship 101.  Why would you want a partner that doesn’t do that?

In order to have your needs fulfilled, you have to communicate them (i.e. you have to be vulnerable).  My plethora of vulnerability posts can be found in the Finding My Happiness section of my Shortcuts.

IT THEN TURNS TO THE NEEDS OF THE OTHER
While it starts with you, it doesn’t end with you.   Equity requires that you focus on the needs of the relationship, which means – others in the relationship.  In order to have your needs fulfilled you have to be willing to fulfill your partner’s needs as well.  It is through that emotional and physical investment of fulfilling each other’s needs that you create EQUITY.  It doesn’t matter if the emotional and physical investments of each person were not EQUAL.    

In our case, there was a change in what I needed from our relationship and my life.  That change happened to involve DD.  I had to understand it first, then had to communicate it – that is, I had to ask for it.  That understanding/asking is laid out in my first half-dozen or so posts.

I was then fortunate enough to have a partner in Mike who was willing to invest his equity (efforts, emotions, actions, ) in fulfilling my needs as he saw that there was potential for my equity (efforts, emotions, actions) to fulfill his needs.   And what if there is a situation where partners don’t agree on the equity?   That’s where communication and give and take have to come in, and in our case, Mike’s role as HOH comes in.

What if you are having too many situations where we can’t agree things are equitable?  To me the result is that the relationship can’t be fulfilling.  Someone – maybe everyone – is settling for less than their needs require.  You can only do that for so long before resentment builds, leading to a downward spiral that self destructs the relationship.

DID MY RELATIONSHIP “NEED” KAYLA?
You can’t always define everything your relationship needs. It is more about addressing each of life’s situations and opportunities as they come.  So we didn’t “need” a third and then go looking for one.   Instead, our relationship has a need to remain open and honest about everyone’s wishes and desires.  This leads us to be open to life’s possibilities…in this case, the possibility of a third, such that when the right situation presented itself, it happened.  

Does that mean we are open to a fourth?  Why stop there.  A fifth?  Well, sure, why not? I don’t foresee that happening, but I know our relationship will take whatever path it needs to take to ensure success.  I can’t imagine how more people would add to our success, but frankly, I could have never imagined how Kayla could have done so.

So that is my long-winded way of laying out my thoughts on my marriage.  I don’t know that I specifically answered how it is that Kayla fits in to our “equity”  Or how say, John & Donna, or our overall sex life,  Matt, nudism, and oh yeah, and Domestic Discipline – how does all of that fit into our “equity?”    I think the simplest answer is, “It just works for us.”  Wow. This entire post could have probably been just those 5 words.  

With that settled. . . what of my inference to Mike’s Dominance perhaps evolving beyond where I would like it to be?   Well, that all makes for a good next post!

NEXT: 261.  A bit more on Kayla

259. More Mike

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I recently gave updates on Matt and Kayla, so clearly I need to give an update on the most important person in my life – my husband Mike!  And in doing so, it is also an update on me and our relationship as a whole. 

If you have followed my journey since the beginning, you know that Mike has been amazing.  I got us into Domestic Discipline and while he had some reservations, he was willing to give it a try.  And try he did.

I am fortunate that he and I have stayed pretty much on the same page throughout our journey.  While I think our open communication has a lot to do with it, we have also just been lucky.

MIKE
Mike is happier than he has ever been in our marriage.  There is evidence beyond his demeanor, such as, he says it!  And it isn’t happiness of power, but happiness in the results of his influence – over me, over the family.   His satisfaction stems from seeing his significant investment of his emotional “equity” into our relationship pay off.    

I made a lot of the day-to-day decisions pre-DD, or at least heavily influenced Mike such that I usually got my way.   You may think it is easy to take the reigns of a household and start making decisions, but it isn’t.  In part it just wasn’t his nature — a nature that I influenced for 20+ years.  He also wasn’t confident in how I would react to his new role.  In other words, he was a bit hesitant and afraid of “being an asshole.”  I have never once thought such a thing.

I think Post 160 and Post 205 best sum of his evolution and how great he is.  Mike is timely and effective in making decisions, big and small.  He has sky-high confidence in his role as disciplinarian.  He made the transition of simply executing on my wishes for him to be dominant, to actually becoming a Dom.  In fact, he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be (more on that later).

Mike remains a wonderful father and an amazing husband.  He is a masterful Dom, both for me and Kayla – which is not easy as our needs as submissive are different.   And beyond just a Dom, he is a great husband.  He is loyal, trustworthy, sincere, a great listener, affectionate, empathetic, and the list goes on.  He is all those things to me, to our kids, and to Kayla.  It gives me great joy to share those things in him, with Kayla.

I mentioned before that Mike is an intensely private person.  He feels a lot of this stems from the childhood trauma from a robbery.   I shared before that his house was broken into and robbed when he was a child, and it was an extremely thorough robbery and what wasn’t taken was smashed and vandalized.

While he has come a long way in opening up to strangers, he still has a heightened distrust of people until he really gets to know them better.  — which is sometimes hard when he starts at a point of distrust.   Luckily he has a “tell all” wife who welcomes in anyone and everyone to help balance him out — although instead of “balance him out”, he tends to call it, “driving him crazy.”  lol.

JEN
Most of the journey was me pushing Mike to help me find my limits.  I found those limits.  I am where I want to be as his submissive and with DD.  This is one of the reasons my posts have lacked the yearning and self-revelations of my earlier posts.  I don’t yearn much and haven’t discovered some new revelation about myself.   

When I think back to what got me interested in DD, I never imagined how effective it would be in helping me be the person I wanted to be, nor what it would mean to my family for me to be that person.  My life feels tremendously purposeful and amazingly fulfilled.  So good that I feel a bit guilty in my pleasure when we are surrounded with so much suffering and injustice. 

My submissive mindset is sufficiently nourished, and not wanting.  But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?  Do we still have DD sympatico?  I mentioned he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be.   More on that in another post….hee hee.  I love a cliffhanger.

And before I get into resolving that cliffhanger, how can I write about my relationship with Mike without stating how I reconcile the little minor fact that, well, you know, it kind of includes a third person…someone who has evolved into being almost like a co-wife to Mike, and a partner to me.  Kayla! 

Yes, I gave you an update about her…but what can I say specifically about our triad in the context of how it impacts my relationship with Mike?   I don’t think I adequately addressed that in my updates.  Since fully coming out to everyone about Kayla, I have had to answer some questions from family.  So what of those questions and of my answers? 

 Sounds like a great next post, so that cliffhanger will have to wait as I next address this issue of how I explain my “open” marriage to those who ask.   

 

 

250. The Nude Normal

250
Part of my mid-April slow down in posts was due to me having to deal with some health issues.  Lots of doctors appointments!  Turned out it wasn’t something too serious – a pinched nerve that responded well to PT and the yoga has also helped.  Add to that – I am now officially pre-menopausal, that is, I am in perimenopause.  What joy!

The combination of odd neurological issues I was having from the pinched nerve, along with the plethora of perimenopausal symptoms, had me concerned that something serious was going on.  So it actually was joyful to find out it wasn’t something chronic.

Don’t cry over spilled milk. . . instead, go naked!
We (me, Mike, Kayla, and J) were at the dinner table when J spilled a large glass of milk on his lap.  I asked Kayla to help him get his pants off and I would go grab a towel as I didn’t want him dripping milk down the hall as his pants were soaked.  When I came back with some towels, he was totally naked.  J decided to remove his underwear and Mike figured there was no need to make an issue of it.  It was for the best anyway as the milk went down and through his pants.  

We got him cleaned up enough and he went to the restroom to wipe down with a washcloth so as not to be sticky and return before his food was cold.  I walked into the bathroom to see if he needed help as well as to bring him clean clothes.  He said he wanted to just stay naked.  His reasoning was he was just going to take a shower after dinner anyway, and he sleeps naked (that’s a recent development), so, why bother putting on clothes he will only have on for about twenty minutes? 

Why bother indeed!  “Okay, that makes sense.  You’ll need to convince your dad though so I’ll hang on to these clothes.”  And we walked back to the dinner table.  J explained himself, and even added, we’ve eaten naked before (at E’s cousin’s), so why not now?  Mike said, “Well, okay, then,” in this tone that implied, “Well, you thoroughly thought that out, I’ve got nothing to counter with, so sure, why not.” 

So J sat down and dinner continued.  Then a few minutes later J said, “Dad, you said we can be naked at T1’s to show support for E liking to be naked.  Well, I like it too.  Shouldn’t you all be naked right now to support me?”   

SOME BACK STORY
You might read J’s statement using a tones that imply some ulterior motive or desire to just be ornery.  That is not that case.  
I’ve shared that J has a disability.  And much of what J says comes from a pure innocence – no ulterior motives –  just simply expressing what he is feeling in the moment, unfiltered by social cues and oblivious to the potential innuendo (which at times can make for interesting and uncomfortable moments in public).

And I believe I shared before that J wanted us to “go naked” ever since that first time at T1’s.   Mike said no, but did allow him to not get dressed after his bath as he goes right to bed after that anyway.  And, as we are going to the nudist resort in a month, Mike thought it would be a good idea for J to stay semi-acclimated to the idea of nudity.  So we all adopted a “naked after bath” routine at night, although he is often, but not always, asleep by the time others bathe. 

We all sleep nude and I am naked when I go to make sure he is awake – but we all have been getting dressed before coming to breakfast.  We also are planning more time with T1 and E, both at our house and theirs, to help normalize it as much as possible for J (and even to some degree, for us).   

We want it to be as “normal” for him because we worry a bit about how he may react to things.  His pure innocence sometimes is a bit like Tourettes. Not that it is an involuntary tick, but he often has an involuntary impulse to share whatever thought is on his mind.  And while he is well intended, sometimes the circumstances aren’t ideal for sharing what’s on his mind.  Example – many a times a restaurant he will yell, “Mister, you probably don’t know it but you are talking so loudly that we can’t hear ourselves over here.”  Or, “Oh my gosh, lady, I really need you to keep your mouth closed when you are chewing your food.”   

Having said all this, Mike doesn’t want us to formally adopt nudism. His initial reason is that he just doesn’t see that as being “us.”  But frankly, it has been growing on him.  He admits he enjoys it.  He also wants to make sure J handles it well.  So far, so good, but Mike see’s no reason to rush it.  And now, we have this dinner time incident. 

So how did Mike respond to J’s request for “support” of him being naked? 

THE NUDE NORMAL
We all got naked and finished our dinner!
  And, while Mike said the naked dinner time was a one-time thing, he provided NEW guidance on nudity in the home.  He said going forward, if there was no school or we didn’t have to get dressed to go anywhere, the household could remain naked until 10 a.m.  We are to be clothed for dinner, but can be naked after that.  It is optional – but J said he would definitely go clothes-free at those times. 

MORE ON J
I want to share a bit more about my son as there is a distinction to my various “kinks” and nudism.  The biggest is that nudism isn’t a kink at all.   But it is unfortunately not a mainstream practice and often people attach their own hang ups and bias’ to those who practice it.  In that way, and only in that way, does it share something in common with kink. 

As part of the various quirks of J’s disability, he has various tactile issues.  He always likes to wear shirts that fit tightly and he has never liked pants, whether loose or tight.  It has always been normal for him to just have on underwear and a shirt when he is home.  He is very picky about things being the right texture for him, whether clothes, food, or whatever.   He has a couple of blankets that he carries around to sit on because he doesn’t like the feel of certain chairs.

He also is obsessive when it comes to any threads that may hang from clothes or even the tiniest of holes that appear on clothes.  He has to pull every string…he can’t cut them…and rip open every hole, whether in socks, pants, shirt — and whether or not in the comfort of his home or out in public.  It is like a compulsion and a reflex.  He sees it and “boom” he moves in.   Nudity solves all his clothes issues.  No weird feeling pants, no shirt being too loose, no threads or holes.  

He is happy being naked and thus far has been pretty oblivious to those who are naked around him.  While J can be socially inappropriate, it is never been mean-spirited.  Many times people will just say, “You’re right, I should be more quiet” and laugh.  One of the best stories I can tell you was when he was about five years old.  We were at a store and there was a kid with a disfigured face.  I saw it.  It fact, it was the only thing I saw when I looked at the kid.  Then, I hear J, “Mommy, mommy, look,” as he points to this kid.  I was mortified.  Then J said, “He’s wearing the same shirt I am wearing.”   Holy S*@T!  J was right.  He was.  And I could see the other kid smile the biggest smile and say, “you like Spongebob, too?”

So yeah, maybe it is our hang up, not his.

MIKE AND KAYLA
Kayla and I are similar in our thoughts on nudism.  I’ve shared that I really enjoy being naked.  Kayla does as well but she admits she is still a bit self-conscious.  I am tempted to just tell her, “Look at me with my cellulite thighs and butt, varicose vein legs, and saggy boobs, compared to your thin thighs, tight butt, flawless legs, and perky tits.”

But I don’t say such things to her – I display it!  I found you can’t convince someone about their self body image.  You can only support them and model self affirming behaviors.  For some, especially girls and younger women, body image isn’t about you looking better than someone else (especially not about looking better than someone twice your age, cuz that isn’t even a contest. She win’s hands down..or is it boobs up?).  Frankly, it isn’t even about your body.   I don’t want to go on a body-image rant, but the root of a lot of issues is feelings of shame.  And the irony is, being naked increases Kayla’s comfort with being naked, which deminishes her shame, and further increases her comfort with being naked.   

So while she is still not 100% comfortable with it, she admits she is getting there and actually is beginning to derive a sense of security from it.  It sounds weird as getting naked in front of others is one of the most insecurity-inducing acts you can typically think of.   But I get what she is saying.  Once you are acclimated to it and around others who are acclimated, you feel empowered, validated, and yes, secure!   

Mike enjoys it too, but still not at the “enjoyment” level of Kayla and I.  He finds it more “fascinating,” perhaps on a more intellectual level than an emotional level – but he’s getting there.  And it helps him to see that J is doing fine with it. 

There are a lot of positive studies about nudism.  Kids raised in a naturist household have a tremendously positive body image.   I read a study that was really quite sad about kids as young as four or five who felt negatively about their private parts — describing them as “bad” or “naughty” and using slang words to describe them.  Naturist kids described them no different than you or I would describe our elbows and knees, and use proper terms when describing them.   

It is one thing to grow up in a pro-nudist culture.  But J is 17 and … well, I almost typed…”and he has a disability.”  But frankly, I think we are using that as an excuse.  J is J.  He isn’t his disability.  If he can handle it, and thus far he has indicated he can, then that’s all that should matter. 

WHAT’S NEXT
We are a step closer to adding “nudist” to our various “labels.”  Not that I am keeping score, but let’s see, any one of these words fit me and/or the relationships Mike and I have – Domestic Discipline, Polyamourous, Swinger, Dominant/Submissive, Cauldism, a touch of BDSM, a tad of M/s, bisexual, cellular family, or perhaps a delta or a triad, ethical slut, metamour, open marriage, and so on.    

There are other terms that describe us as well, we are a household with a child with a disability, we are a household of a 26-year marriage, we are “suburban,” we might be aligned with this political ideology or that one, or this religion or that one, or none at all.  We are all these things and we are none of these things.   Labels help you identify what we do, not who we are.  That’s the problem with labels.  People often assume if you are “one of those” then they know who you are.

Nudism isn’t about kink, and I almost feel the need to apologize to nudists who read my “kink-infested” blog.   No, it isn’t kink, but it is a dramatic and positive change in how we embrace life.  Therefore I find it blog worthy.  That and, to be honest, I am still enthralled and amazed by it.  Like, how did I not discover this sooner?  It was literally staring at me in the face every day in the mirror!     

I assume the prevalence of kink for nudist is no different than kink for non-nudists.  It simply isn’t a “kink” indicator.   Oh well, call me what you want.  Labels only give you part of my story. 

Want the full story?  Okay, at least a fuller story?  You’ll just have to read 250 posts!  Ha.

Next: 251. . . . and sometimes reminders do have to be spankings

248. Secret Ingredients Revealed

248

If you thought I could end my last post the way I did and move on to something else, you must be new here.   I was dying to elaborate!  And in doing so, I’ll share two of the secret ingredients that I feel helped Mike and I flourish in Domestic Discipline.

My last post shared several “trivial” things for which I was punished.  Early on in our DD it was these “trivial” things where Mike had the most difficulty.  He didn’t want to be seen as being mean.  Even with me telling him it was okay and that it was what I wanted, it took time for him to be convinced.  I don’t think that is out of the ordinary for a DD dynamic that began at the wife’s behest.

But frankly, early on, I also had difficulty with accepting discipline for these “smaller” indiscretions for all the reasons I wrote on my post before last (in the “Smells Like Jens Spirit” section).  

INGREDIENT ONE:  CONSISTENCY
I hear sometimes from people who are struggling with adopting DD.  I remind them that I didn’t start from where Mike and I are today.  We had to go through a process of learning and accepting our roles.  It didn’t just happen over night, but what helped us immensely was a commitment to consistency.

I was extremely fortunate as a newbie sub, in that, while not perfect, Mike was highly consistent from the start.  He put aside his reservations and just “went for it” as he puts it.   He would overcome his hesitancy by telling himself, “Well, this is what she said she wanted.”  

Mike was extremely fortunate as a newbie Dom in that, while not perfect, I was highly consistent from the start. I put aside my reservations and just trusted my instincts.  Those same instincts that gave me my DD epiphany.

When you both adopt a firm commitment to consistency, it helps you overcome your doubts and anything that may cause you to otherwise hesitate (such a the things I shared in 246. Subconsciousness of Wrong).  Over time it all became more natural to us and more fulfilling and second nature for us.  Mike is a wonderfully consistent Dom and, if I do say so myself, I am a very consistent submissive.

INGREDIENT TWO:  COMMUNICATION
Our commitment to consistency was backed by our commitment to frequent, open, honest, and
complete transparency in communicating our thoughts, dreams, and desires.

What’s tricky about this ingredient is that it isn’t an ingredient by itself.  It is a compound that is formed from lots of other ingredients.  The primary one being, you guessed it, vulnerability.   Showing all your vulnerabilities and accepting all of your partners vulnerabilities requires love, trust, compassion, empathy, respect, understanding, and host of other ingredients.  And guess what, you can’t just feel those things towards your partner.  You have to feel them towards yourself – and that is even more difficult. 

Love your partner?  Trust them?  Respect, empathize, etc, etc?  No problem.  Now, love yourself?  Trust yourself?  Respect yourself?   Humm, sometimes that’s really difficult.

Yeah, getting all those mixed into the powerful “communication” recipe is not easy.  You may be great in some, and need work in others, and if any aren’t “just right” then it will show in how fulfilling your final baked product is.

And both Mike and I agree that our Maintenance Sessions were invaluable in the successful development of our DD.  Not only are they phenomenal communication tools, but they aided early on in making our commitment to consistency easier.  Knowing that we were never more than six days away from discussing our concerns, allowed us to worry less about what happened in between those six days, giving us confidence to do what was necessary to be consistent in applying and accepting discipline.

Ultimately, communication comes back to vulnerability.  I won’t repeat all my thoughts on vulnerability, other than to say it is the most elusive yet most powerful ingredient in any relationship, DD or otherwise.  (several posts on Vulnerability are linked in FINDING MY HAPPINESS section of my Shortcuts).

And getting this recipe right is not a destination.  It is the proverbial journey.  It’s never perfect, and perfection can not be the goal.   Progress, not perfection!

MIKES PERSPECTIVE
Mike has told me that once he fully understood what I wanted — not just heard me say it, but understood it in his mind and soul – he found it easy to be consistent.  And what helped him understand it was my consistent feedback to him – especially when I would thank him.  He said he desperately needed my approval and gratitude.  Without it, he believes he would still be struggling with consistency.   And THAT is why a sub giving thanks is part of my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline.

And the other part of my golden rule is for the Dom to give the sub praise, and I told Mike that his praise was equally as valuable as my thanks was to him.  He never fed into my own “consciousness of wrong.”  He was always supportive, praising my efforts and my commitment to “finding myself.”

I realize Mike is Mike.  Everyone is different.  There are newbie Doms who don’t need such reassurance, and newbie subs who don’t need such praise.  Thus, while I believe the basic ingredients of my recipe can help improve all relationships, D/s or vanilla, the mix of those ingredients must be based on what works for each individual person and couple.  And you can’t figure out that mix if you don’t communicate.  So if you are looking where to start, start with communication.

MIKE LIKES TO DOMINATE ME
Mike told me that he realizes now that 
he enjoys the power and influence over me.  He didn’t always feel that way.  Just as I had to overcome my “subconsciousness of wrong,” so did Mike.  Just as society tends to view my submissiveness as a defect, they view Dominance as mean at best, brutal at worst. And those views once weighed on him. 

Even for those who accept D/s, I sense that there is a tendency to more readily accept the joy the submissive gets from being submissive than there is to accept the joy the Dom gets from being dominant.  Somehow the latter is more likely to be deemed as inappropriate.  Submission is soft, beautiful, vulnerable, evoking empathy.  Dominance is hard, brutal, and invulnerable, evoking disdain.  That’s unfair. 

It took Mike a long time to admit he enjoys disciplining me.  As he explained it, he misconstrued enjoyment as being a preference; meaning a preference to spank me, find reasons to do it, lookto do it above all else, delighting in my pain.  No, it is NOT any of that. It is not a preference he has.  But, he does enjoy it.

I can enjoy my submission, not because of the pain, but because it represents fulfillment, joy, and pleasure in my oneness with Mike. Yet, somehow we want to deny the Dom from enjoying his Dominance for the fulfillment, joy, pleasure in his oneness with the sub.  The truth is, Mike can enjoy it.  And he does.  It’s not a preference to the act of discipline.  It is simply my preference to be submissive and his preference to be Dominant.

TRIVIAL THINGS
So back to the topic that started this rant.  When it comes to “trivial” things for which I am punished – there really is no such thing.  A failure in a commitment is a failure in a commitment, no matter how small or large.  While t
he significance of the failure may influence the type of discipline, it should never influence whether or not I am disciplined. 

Not every transgression requires a physical punishment.  Sometimes sufficient discipline is simply Mike’s disapproval – a verbal discipline.  Mike sometimes gives me a warning when he believes my actions are inappropriate or teetering on the edge – but a warning is not the same as ignoring – and frankly, sometimes his disapproving words are as powerful as a smack on the bottom.

Consistency is sacred.  It is more important to be consistent than to give thought to ignoring a transgression.  And if you agree with that, then remember what it takes to be consistent. . . communication.  And what does it take to have great communication? All that stuff I already wrote about.

Experiment with your own recipe using my ingredients.  See what wonderful things you and your partner can create for your relationship. 

Next: 249. Sometimes Reminders don’t have to be Spankings

246. Subconsciousness of Wrong

246

So here’s something different.  Let’s talk about discipline!  It’s been awhile since I’ve written about being disciplined.  I don’t have any epic submissive fails or extended or dramatic punishments to share.  So I’ll just share a quick fire list of some things.   Basically like I did on 213. Speedy Spanking Summations

SMELLS LIKE JENS SPIRIT
Before I get into the discipline, here’s another Jenny blog throwback.  I good old fashion esoteric rant, Jenny style. 

I am keenly aware that my reaction to my discipline is different now.  I think it took our first two years of DD before I got significantly down the road of truly accepting discipline.  And it wasn’t until perhaps the start of this year that I think I fully got to the end of that road and fully accepted it. 

There were parts of me that still were not 100% comfortable with it.  Why did I need it?  Why is it so effective?  Why wasn’t I strong enough to be the wife, mother, and person I wanted to be without relying on my husband’s discipline?   

When I think (and read) back through my discipline experiences, I can tell I spent a lot of time trying to deconstruct what certain punishments meant – about me, about Mike, about our relationship.  I always concluded in one way or another that my disciplining brought me fulfillment, joy, pleasure (perhaps not in the moment) and a oneness with Mike.   While I have always appreciated my DD, I only recently accepted that feeling of appreciation.      

I accept DD as right for me –  unapologetically and unashamed.  And I don’t mean that in an outward sense.  Obviously if you read my posts, I’ve never outwardly felt i needed to apologize or feel ashamed for adopting DD. . . but inwardly? For a long time, especially early on, I felt I needed to apologize to my old self (that self empowered woman who would never cower to any man, especially her husband). 

And as for shame, I don’t mean it in the context of humiliation.  I never felt humiliated (humbled, yes).  The shame I needed to overcome was more about what I can only think to call a subconsciousness of wrong.  Like, I had this “thing” that I couldn’t really identify but now, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see it.  I didn’t know it at the time, but there was this part of me trying to ask myself if all of this is just wrong for me and I am just too naive, insecure, blind, ..okay, even stupid… to realize it.   

It was the the tension of this feeling that influenced my behavior.  It made it easier for me to discount a rule, or conveniently forget an obligation.  This added to the fact I was still adjusting to life as a submissive.  Not every fail was due to some subconscious urge to rebel.  But clearly, the part of me that hadn’t accepted submission wasn’t making adhering to my rules any easier. 

DISCIPLINE NIRVANA
Slowly I started to lose the feelings of needing to apologize or
feel shameful towards myself. It probably took two years for the ball to get rolling on losing those things.  And now, I realize, they are gone.   I think our October contract was the impetus for the final purge of those feelings.  Coupled with the discipline I got at the start of the year, and coming out to our family about Kayla and to some degree about my submission – and whammo  – those feelings were replaced with a subconsciousness of right, of joy, of fulfillment. 

Whatever the final straw, all I know is now when I am disciplined, there is no suffering nor sense of self.  I am not talking about physical pain. I am talking about the emotional uneasiness that came with the need to apologize to myself and deal with that subconsciousness of wrong.  And when there is no suffering nor sense of self, well,  Buddism has a name for that.  Nirvana.  (. . . a mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido…  sorry, I can never say the word Nirvana without thinking of that). 

The result is, I simply am not as motivated to write about my spanks and “go esoteric” like I typically do regarding what they mean to me.  I know that is disappointing to you spankos out there, but you know, for you spankos there is navigation on this page to my Discipline archive.  Have fun and bust a nut.  ha.  Is there an equivalent slang for women?   Poon monsoon?  Diddle the Skittle?  Sorry, I didn’t intend to imply a masturbatory predilection amongst spankophiles.  We all know spankos are into such stories for their literary virtue.  I digress!

OUT OF TIME
Well, now look what I did.  I used up this whole post waxing philosphical (is there an opposite of that?  “waning unknowledgeably
perhaps?). Okay, stop it Jen!

I am in such a silly mood!! 

I promise. My next post will share some discipline I’ve received over the last three months or so.   I may even get it up today.  I have it mostly written and then realized it was too long to include here.   If not today, tomorrow.  Hope you enjoyed the post anyway!

Next: 247. Hey, my husband spanks me!