Category Archives: 3. Musings

Various rambles on why I thrive on submitting to my husband and the trails and tribulations of adopting Domestic Discipline.

277. Understanding myself and my submission

277

I think if my blog has one consistent lesson, it is this:

Don’t suggest your husband spank you as you may get what you asked for. 

Ha!  No, that’s not it.  It’s this:

Don’t chew ice.

Okay, not that one either, although if the consequences are “chilling” enough, you might not ever chew ice again.   

Alright, maybe the lesson isn’t a lesson, but a question. 

That question is  —  It is more fruitful to understand our emotions and actions than to hate, ridicule, or ignore them?

Aha!  Yes, that’s it!  And maybe there should be a second part to that sentence of, “… and whether you understand them, hate them, or ignore them, a good spanking can cure what ails you.”   LOL!

IT’S ESOTERIC RAMBLE TIME
It’s been a while since I’ve dropped some Jenny-style psycho-babble.   I’ll do my best to try and make this a coherent as possible, as I have a lot of disparate thoughts rolling around my head.  

I was doing some thinking as I am prone to do, trying to come up with one idea or theme that I felt was the predominant thread in my blog.  Sure, it is a blog about Domestic Discipline, but I feel a consistent theme I’ve gone back to time and time again is that we should take the time to understand our emotions and actions.

Another word for this can be self-awareness, but this word can be tricky.  Your awareness of yourself is always limited.  It is limited by, well. . . by your awareness of yourself.  While you can do things to be more aware – complete awareness can not exist (any Buddhist’s out there may respectfully disagree).   To me, what can exist is a better understanding of yourself.  This becomes a constant journey and not a final destination of 100% self-awareness.

And if you are a long time reader, I will flunk you now and send you to the principals office if you can’t answer the question, “And how does one better understand themselves?   It’s all about the “V'” word –  vulnerability.   

WHAT SELF AWARENESS MEANS TO ME
I don’t want to repeat myself as there are probably a dozen posts dedicated to the “V” word and a dozen others that touch on it.  (Beavis:  “Aa-huh. . . she said touch the V.”  If you need a refresher, here’s one post I often find myself referring back to Post 67.

Vulnerability is only the catalyst.  It is not the end-all, be-all.  It is the catalyst that helps me increase my self-awareness.  And if you buy my definition of self-awareness as being  a “better understanding of oneself,” then vulnerability allows me to better understand myself.

This begs the question, What is it about myself that I am trying to understand?”   

I believe it comes down to me trying to answer this question, “What is giving rise to the different feelings I am having?”   I’ve always been highly self reflective, but I have only been fully honest in my reflection for the last 3-4 years.   It can be very difficult as the things that give rise to your feelings can be highly complex and a combination of external influences and things that are just from our own nature.   Navigating that complexity is made even harder due to the many built in bias’ we all have. 

Here’s a great article on bias.   While not tied to self-awareness, it gives a great lesson on the bias’ we all have.   The point this article helps make is that if you don’t take time to really question yourself, your motives, your feelings, your reactions, you likely will never get to the root of what gave rise to them.  You will discount/ignore any “bad” or unhealthy motivations and assume only the “good” or positive motivations applied to you. Thus transformation/growth is not possible, and ultimately happiness and fulfillment will allude you.  

My drive to try and understand myself comes from a perspective of boiling life down to two choices:

  1. Understand your emotions and let that understanding be transformative and manifest themselves in positive ways. 
  2. Suffer your emotions – hate them, ridicule them, or ignore them, and let them manifest themselves in negative ways.     

And recently I added a third part to this:

3. Understand that #1 and #2 can also apply to those you allow into your life re “understand their emotions or suffer their emotions.” 

If you strive for #1 as I do, keep in mind that if you have done #2 for too long, you may need professional help to break out of it.  That’s the core of what a psychologist and psychiatrist does – it is about helping you understand your emotions.  Doing so requires you to be honest (vulnerable) to them and pour out all your “truths” to them.  Or, you can just be vulnerable to your significant other and let them spank you.  lol

Thus, I am compelled to try and understand my thoughts and emotions behind Active submission vs Passive submission which I wrote about in Post 275.

ACTIVE SUBMISSION?
I think I used the word “Active” because up until recently, practically all my submissive acts were caused by me.  The motivation of those acts were borne in me.  They flowed from within me, and flowed out of me. 

PASSIVE SUBMISSION?
Contrast that with “Passive.”   That is where I find my submissive acts are becoming only partially from me or even not all from me.  That is, they are requirements of Mike to which I am willing to meet.

Both are worthy submissive acts.  Both are fulfilling.  One is not better than the other.  They are like water from a different well.   There is no substantial reason they are different.  But emotions are typically not reasonable.  It is in the emotions where you find the difference.   

If  you are a submissive, it doesn’t matter if you more closely identify as Active vs Passive.  There is no right or wrong way, or even an absolute.  You can be half-and-half, or lean a little, or completely, one way or the other.  It isn’t about what I have come to understand about my emotions.  It is about what you discover when you come to understand yours.   Of course, this is my blog so I will talk about what I’ve come to understand fro mine.

POWER EXCHANGE IS ABHORRENT?
I’ve written that I am finding passive submission is as equally rewarding as active.  As I am beginning to understand it better, the truth is, at least for now, it isn’t!    Passive submission is MORE rewarding to me.  I think the reason has to do with power, and as a submissive, I thrive in giving up power to my husband.

As humans, I think we are wired to derive joy from power.  It’s what makes wanting to be submissive so counter-culture (Post 27. Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission).   It doesn’t have to be overwhelming power, unless you are an egotistical, unstable, self-absorbed narcissist, but enough about Trump.  It can be as simple as the power of persuasion. Think of the little shot of joy we all get when someone “likes” a post.  It’s like, yeah, at a minimum, I persuaded them to consider what I had to say.   

Whatever it is, it is human nature to derive joy from power.   If you agree, then the antithesis of this is that there is sadness when power is diminished.  Thus, if we lose influence, lose certain controls, it is human nature to become sad.

Therefore — now stick with me — whatever increases our power makes us happy and we value those things as being “good.”  And whatever decreases our power make us sad and we value those things as being “bad.”   

Thus – a person who voluntarily gives up power must be sad, bad, and violating  human nature.   It is only natural to conclude that Domestic Discipline or a Dominant/submissive relationship is abhorrent.   

But for a submissive, there is no joy in retaining and demonstrating power.  It’s more clear said in the positive  — for a submissive, there is joy when power is given away. 

Clearly a submissive defies our natural instinct to enjoy power.   I find it odd that society looks down upon someone who gives up so much power, and looks up to someone who craves total power – even abusing that power along the way.   It is the power-hungry who destroy lives, oppress and harm people for inhumane reason simply because they can.  Far from submissives being “abhorrent,” there is something wrong with those who derive all their joy from power…and that goes for people who idolize (and vote) those that do so.  Deplorables indeed!  I digress. 

Like most things, this is not an absolute.  It is not a choice between “all powerful” and “completely powerless.”   I do not seek to be completely powerless.  I have a voice and I have influence over Mike.  But by evolving from my active submission to my passive submission, I have given up more power.  And that was the final step in reaching the level of submission I was looking for.   

IN CONCLUSION
I’ve been fulfilled each step of our DD journey.  And every step was critical to allowing me to reach this destination point in my journey.  I’ve stated before that when we started, I would have never accepted the level of submission I was at a year into our DD, or two years into it, or now, three-and-a-half years into it. 

I’ve been fortunate in that it seems like I have always had the level of submission that I needed at the time. I believe it is because I remained vulnerable to Mike, and he to me, and we’ve cherished being completely open and honest with each other and most importantly, with ourselves.  It’s about taking time to reflect and trying our best to understand our emotions and actions, and the emotions and actions of each other, rather than hate, ridicule, or ignore them.  

Here’s a quote I found that connects the importance of honesty in D/s.  It is from Byron Cane: 

D/s is a true partnership between equals who find things they both enjoy in a loving, respectful and most importantly, honest relationship with full knowledge, consent and trust.

Next: 278. Spanksome before you threesome

275. Active Submission vs. Passive Submission

275

So this writing funk I mentioned two posts back. . . yeah, it started about mid-July and for about a month I couldn’t quite place what it was.  I just didn’t feel an energy to get on my computer for any reason.  It wasn’t just my blog and my “private” me (the one that blogs and corresponds with a handful of “email buddies” met via this blog).  But even the “public” me – the one with Facebook, surfing YouTube, and chatting with IRL friends, as well the one who surfs various news, Twitter, etc.   I had this need to just stay away from it all.   Part of it was PTSD – President Trump Stress Disorder, but that was only a part of it.  

ACTIVE SUBMISSIVE MINDSET 
My submissive mindset has always been very “active.”  Three-plus years of actively pursuing the “right” level of submission.  Actively looking for validation – little mental markers or milestones as evidence that I was on the right path.  Activity looking for feedback from Mike to make sure we stayed calibrated in understanding each other’s needs.   Actively needing to reconcile the “threat” submission has to my upbringing and society norms.   

It also included actively guiding Kayla on her journey.  I worry about her and want to make sure she is being fulfilled, both in her relationship with me and with Mike, as well as feeling good about herself.   

All this “active” efforts kept me focused on my submissive journey, a journey that has been fulfilling beyond all expectations.  And these efforts compelled me to want to share my journey and  project my joy on to others via my writing.

PASSIVE SUBMISSIVE MINDSET
Well, lately I’ve felt more of a passive mindset.  As I stated in that prior post, I feel we have found the right level of domestic discipline, or D/s dynamic that works best for us.  I no longer have a need for validation every step of the way, for I am here, no more steps, and my validation is that I am happier and more secure as a wife, mom, and person than I have ever been. 

Additionally, Mike and I have basically “institutionalized” our calibration process.  That is, we don’t have to think about it.  It just happens.  The Maintenance Sessions and continued open and honest communication is a reflex that doesn’t require effort.  It just happens!    

I don’t feel submission is a threat to my upbringing or social norms.  Better yet, I don’t feel my submission threatens my upbringing.  I was taught to pursue my passion and love life, every moment, every dayWhile I am sure my mom didn’t think my passion would include submission, the great thing about how I was raised is that I was left to define my own passion.  Further, being open to my friends and family about my submission and not being rejected for it has further reconciled any “threats” I once felt  ( far from rejected, it has led to others opening up about their own “kinks” or “unique” relationship dynamics).   

Lastly, Kayla has grown tremendously.  The once awkward and sullen wallflower now exudes a confident, shining personality and inner beauty.  She had just turned 22 when she moved in with us, and will be 24 in a few months.  A great age for a lot of personal growth and maturity, with or without my influences.  I don’t see her as that little girl in need of protection.  I see her as a young woman who can hold her own and who knows who she is, what she wants, and how to get it.

The result is my submissive mindset is now a bit more passive.  Don’t mistake that for docile or disinterested.  It connotes a level of acceptance that is void of resistance or effort.   It just is!

WHAT PASSIVE SUBMISSION IS LIKE
I still can’t fully describe it, but perhaps I can describe what it isn’t.   There isn’t this yearning, this ache for something that seems just beyond my grasps.   It is comfortable, it is automatic, it is a reflex.  And yes, it is still just as fulfilling as the “active” submission.

I was already feeling it a few weeks prior to Immersion.  It struck me during a spanking (hee hee, a little spanking humor).   Simply, I wasn’t feeling like a spanking.  I mean, it isn’t like I typically look forward to one, but, they always have the effect of feeding my submissive mindset.  In this case, I wasn’t feeling like it served that purpose.   It was simply a consequence of my actions, and not a part of making me feel submissive.  

That sounds subtle, but that was huge for me.    I still can’t quite articulate what the difference is.  I can only repeat it in various forms —  I fully accepted the spanking as a consequence of my actions, not as a result of my submission.   I was being punished because I earned the punishment, not because I was submissive.  That all just feels soooo different to me.  I felt equally fulfilled, but just different.  Again, I can’t explain it (which means my next post will probably be an attempt to do so!)  

THE EPIPHANY CANING 
We had just dropped J off at my parents and returned home.  It was Maintenance Sunday and our plan was to have a normal evening and start our Immersion in the morning.   Mike gave a Maintenance spanking using the cane. 

He struck me about six or seven times, a couple more than normal for a Maintenance, and a bit harder than usual.  Then he said he wasn’t satisfied with the results and he repeated the six or seven strikes, a bit harder than the first set.   I had to grit my teeth and squirmed a bit as they were starting to really hurt.  He inspected my ass and again said “not good enough, one more set.”  And he repeated the strikes, even a bit harder than the previous set.   

By this point it was really hurting and my increased whimpering turned into tears. I didn’t know why he was giving such an aggressive Maintenance.  Then he said he still wasn’t satisfied and there needed to be a few more really hard ones.  My thought, which I kept to myself was, “like those last ones weren’t hard enough?”   I got three more and really started to cry.   He then said that was enough.

I don’t know what came over me, but, I asked him if he would repeat the Maintenance.  Not just the last strokes, but all of them.  That meant another 20-25.  I’ve never had so many with the cane.   Mike asked me if I wanted to talk about it.  I told him, “Not now, can you just do it?”

Mike complied.  I ended up a crying, sobbing mess.  I hadn’t cried that hard in a very long time.  It was a pretty monumental cry.   And my butt looked as you would expect.  Very striped and very red and soon purple. 

What was that about??   Next post.

Next:  276.  My submission becomes His Dominance

272. The end? Doubtful. . .

272

Yeah, I know, I have been lazy when it comes to posting lately.   Uninspired is probably a better word.  Sure, there is the hustle and bustle of summer which always impacts some of my “me” time, but honestly, I just haven’t felt motivated to post.

The good news is today was the start of school – J’s senior year in high school!   However, that increase in “me” time may no translate into more posts.  Here’s why. 

FIZZLE TO MY SIZZLE
I was excited to 
share my path to DD when I first started blogging.  Once shared, my writing then helped me reflect and reconcile various thoughts racing through my mind.   And I needed an outlet for sharing my amazing journey.  Our openness to explore DD led us to experiences that I never could have imagined, both sexual and otherwise.  Blogging has become a self-affirmation exercise and it feels good.  It is liberating and fulfilling to “shout” out important parts of who I am, the choices I make, and the things I enjoy.   This is especially important when much of my life is outside cultural norms.  

I think this was part of what motivated my “Whore” post.  I wanted to own that word, wear it as a badge of honor to take the power away from those who may want to hurl it at me.  

I now realize that to some extent, my self-affirmations have been part of my coming to terms with my need for submission.  I’ve known from the start that I needed DD – I thrive in it, I enjoy it, I am fulfilled by it.   But admitting that wasn’t always easy.  In some ways being submissive was a threat to my own concepts of myself, concepts I was raised with regarding women empowerment.   I responded to this threat by promoting the values of being submissive – in other words, I was promoting my own sense of self.

I felt this threat when I first adopted DD.  Then, I felt it as our relationship with John and Donna progressed and our sexual adventures progressed.  I felt it again when Kayla entered our household, and I felt it again as “My DD” evolved into a “DD for me.”

Blogging has been a self-affirming way to address those threats.   And now?    I love where I am as a wife, mother, lover, friend, person.  I remain passionate about where I am at and for what it requires to maintain it – submission.   I am not threatened by where I am.  I rejoice in having arrived here!  

DD 3.0 INSTALL IS COMPLETE
It’s only been about a year since “my’ DD began evolving from being Domestic Discipline that is 
MINE to Domestic Discipline that is FOR ME (Post 167).  That evolution was fueled by our last Agreement.  And a revelation I had over our recent Immersion is that this evolution is now complete.   

While this gives me a tremendous sense of accomplishment and peace, it has sort of left me with this “meh” feeling about writing.   It’s as if my writing was driving me towards something – a completely unknown destination.  The more I wrote,  the closer I knew I was getting somewhere.   It was a destination I couldn’t describe or see, but one that I would simply recognize when I got there.   I feel I am there now.  Our 2018 Immersion made me realize that.   

THE END?
Similar to how my DD got started, I believe my blog has been a selfish exercise.  I write for me.  I will continue to do so, but probably less regularly.  Maybe something will occur here and there that fills me with that same wonder and amazement that compelled my early desires to write.  Or something sparks that need to “shout it” to you all, as a self affirming declaration to readers.   
My passion for being submissive has not diminished, but it has evolved.  Day-to-day I am so immensely content and secure in my choices (i.e. not threatened) that I don’t have the same drive or need for affirmation. 

MORE TO COME!
HOWEVER. . .  you should know by now that I am quick to embrace a thought or desire and turn it into an actual pursuit.   Thus, I suspect it won’t be long before I need to share my excitement about such pursuits.  That sharing will be complete with what happened, reflecting on it, reconciling it, and affirming my feelings about it.   Yep, I anticipate there will be plenty to write about, but perhaps at slower pace?  Maybe not?

For instance, I still owe you insight into Immersion 2018!

Next post (coming soon), I promise!

Next:  Immersion 2018

271. Unfair exploitative whoring?

271

In addition to my lady problems I wrote of in my prior post, I recently had further proof that time, and aging, marches on.  Yes, I had a birthday.  I am 49.  Mike’s birthday is just 13 days from mine – he turned the big 5-0!

Before I share some of my Immersion 2018 experience,  I figured I’d comment on my last meaningful post regarding, Turn up the cuck – Whoring me out? 

NOT A WHORE!
Yeah, that term was a bit much.  I meant it somewhat jokingly, but it is an accurate description.  Mike wasn’t amused.  He felt it sounded trashy on my part, and nefarious on his part.  He felt that it was disrespectful to him and to me to characterize it the way I did.   Yes, I was spanked because of it.  At least he didn’t tell me I had to take it down or edit it.

While I accept his decision and understand his perception of it, it wasn’t just a spanking and that was that.  We did talk about it quite a bit.  I shared with him that I was not bothered by the phrase, and I asked him if he felt I should be?  What it came down for Mike was that “whoring” in his mind infers a transfer of payment.  It further infers a debasement for some nefarious motive on his part.

NOT A WHORE?
Once again, this shows how powerful words are and how words can mean different things to different people.  Mike is correct that this term means all of those things, at least in a more traditional or strict sense.  But my intention in choosing those words was to be more playful.  I also wanted to own the word that most people are probably thinking in their minds.  I don’t mind thinking of myself as Mike’s whore.  Lastly, I did leave it up to you, the reader, to decide.  After all, I did put a question mark after it.  (Whoring me out?).   Mike was unimpressed with my explanation, thus the spanking.

IF NOT, THEN WHAT?
Before I was spanked, we talked about what term might best describe his control over my sexual activities.   Not that we care about labels.  It was more a communication exercise to get us both to understand each other’s points of view.

The best word we could come up with was, “exploiting,” in that, he is exploiting me.   And like many words, it too has different meanings.

There is the positive “to make full use of and derive a benefit.”  I relate to that and I’ve made it clear with Mike I want him to feel comfortable “exploiting” our Sexual Obedience clause.  In that context, the word works perfectly.

There is the negative – “to use in an unfair or selfish way, or to benefit unfairly.” Some might say that is exactly what is going on.  But nothing with my submission is unfair (Posts 136 and Post 202 address “fairness”).  A Dom is not inherently unfair or selfish. In fact, a good Dom is quite the opposite.

IT’S UP TO YOU!
So, “exploiting” is not the ideal term either.  Suggestions?

I am interested if any of you have suggestions.   I know I am risking getting some nasty or potentially demeaning suggestions, but hey, I’ve already use the term “whore.”  Clearly, I am not threatened by whatever term you use.  In fact, I am game for any raunchy, nasty, demeaning terms you can think of.  Maybe there are some funny terms you can invent by combining certain words?   Be creative!

TIME FLIES!
Well, what do you know?  My respite from posting hasn’t improved my proclivity to ramble.   The silver lining is you will get a another post from me soon where I will share some Immersion fun.

Here’s a little tease — it involved John, Donna, and Matt.  No surprise there.  But it also involved a new couple!  So with Mike, Kayla, and me, that made for eight of us!! 

Next: Post 272. The end? Doubtful. . .

265. Joy without submission?

205

The post before last I posed a question about why Mike was more in tuned than I was regarding our little bit of “drifting” from our regular DD routines.   I ask it because I find it curious.  I am not troubled by it.  In fact, I think the fact Mike noticed it before me is a milestone in our DD.  Up until then, I was the one either asking for more discipline or lamenting over something feeling “off.”   It’s great that Mike noticed it and was willing to say something – albeit a bit vaguely.

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken a philosophical self-analyzing trip into my DD journey.  So now is a good time to do that.   

THEN WHY SO JOYFUL?
It was odd that Mike noticed it first, but it was more odd that I wasn’t anywhere near sensing it.  My level of fulfillment and joy over the last several months has been sky high!  Does that mean I would prefer a softening of our DD and that I am not getting as much joy from it as I once was?  

Oh, and before I answer that.  I would not be bothered by either a yes or no answer.  Certainly, a “yes” would pose a challenge in that we would have to work to reconcile the different needs, but I am confident we could do so if needed.  It isn’t realistic to assume needs will never change, and we are committed to finding equitable solutions to any differences we face, kink or otherwise.   

HOWEVER, my needs haven’t changed, nor has Mike’s.  So, YES, I still want the level of D/s we attained before we drifted a bit.  Perhaps I am not yearning as much for it, but I not only enjoy it, I know I need it – emotionally and as part of being the wife, mother, and person that I want to be.   It is actually a good thing that I can find contentment in other aspects of my life.  It isn’t either I have D/s or I shrivel up and die.

Fulfillment has many facets, and being submissive is an important one, but not the only one.  I am sure there are times where I need to be more in my submissive headspace than other times.  Just like there may be times Mike needs to feel his dominance more than other times.  So why wasn’t I needing it as much lately?  Where has my fulfillment been coming from?

There are many joys in my life that transcend submission.

FAMILY!
I won’t re-hash all the great developments with my kids, but suffice to say, it is hard to not feel fulfilled when your kids appear to be happy.   Okay, I won’t re-hash them in detail, but here’s a summary as I can’t resist showing some pride in my kids! 

T1 bought a house, and is getting married to a great woman who I adore.  T2 graduating college, finding a great job, and growing into full adulthood.  J, who has exceeded all the expectations we had for him just a few years ago.  His growth and development despite his disability has been amazing.   

And then there is Kayla – I love her and she loves me.  I am so happy for her and all she adds to my marriage and my family.  And most importantly, she is happy.   Being out in the open about her has also been a great emotional booster for all of us.  

And there’s more – extended family!  A great relationship with my sisters, with whom I can be open and honest in sharing my life choices.  And re Kayla – my parents, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles — while not everyone is as accepting as I would like, it is still liberating to be open with it.   And their (well, some of them) willingness to give naturism a try further shows their openness and acceptance of my family.

FRIENDSHIPS AND FINANCES
And even more…
friendships!   A close friendship with John and Donna, our “unique” relationship with Matt, and a great group of pals in my “lunch bunch” friends.  I also think the relationship with Matt has been invigorating.  We are over the “honeymoon” phase of it so it has lost a bit of its mystique, but, I know I got an emotional boost from it all.  I still do, just not what it was when it was all new. 

And beyond the emotional fulfillment, Mike’s work has been going well, so finances haven’t been an area of stress.  And with T2 done with college — the finances look even better.  We can finally start ramping up funding our retirement and making sure J can be supported for his lifetime.

NUDISM
I have to give nudism some credit as well.  It really has had an amazing positive psychological impact on me and my family.  It has boosted everyone’s self-confidence, not that it was particularly lacking.  It also tightens the already strong emotional bond we share.   Can’t explain it – it just does.    Perhaps adopting nudism is the ultimate in “vulnerability.”  And if you read my countless posts about vulnerability, you’ll know all the positive results that come with allowing yourself to be vulnerable.   

SUBMISSION
And it isn’t like we took a hiatus from our DD.  I have remained very submissive throughout my daily activities and have had the occasional punishment.    Our “drift” was very subtle.  So my need for submission was still being fed, just perhaps a little bit smaller helpings.  

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT MY DD
Yes, I admit it.  Not every ounce of my joy and fulfillment comes from feeding my submissive mindset.  That’s a good thing.  My identity as a submissive defines my relationship with my husband, a relationship that is the largest contributor to my fulfillment – but not the only contributor.

I think sometimes when joy is lacking in one facet of life, you subconsciously try to make up for it somewhere else.  Perhaps that is why I sort of took my eye off of my DD.  I didn’t notice we had backed off a little because I am getting so much fulfillment elsewhere.  My submissive-mindset-fulfillment-meter could actually dip a bit and I didn’t notice it.  That’s okay.  Our needs are not a constant.

And to Mike’s credit, it isn’t like he wasn’t feeling fulfilled by our kids and aspects of life beyond just the two of us.  He recognized he also feels great about all of those things I have mentioned.  I think the difference is every day he was being the Dom that Kayla needed, giving him a point of reference for our D/s.  That vantage point allowed him to sense the widening gap between the fulfillment he was getting as her Dom versus the fulfillment he was getting as mine.  So he said something – and I am glad he did.

The result was the tweaks and refocusing that I shared on one of my previous posts.  You do know what that means, don’t you?  More opportunities to be disciplined.   And that is not just theoretical, but a fact.  Yes, there has been an increase in discipline. Hmm…maybe there is a spanking story coming up?

Next: 266. Domestic Discipline Throwback: A Spanking two-fer

264. Won’t you be my (nude) neighbor?

264

A few posts back I mentioned Mike tasked me with talking to some of our neighbors to basically get their permission to allow us to be naked in our backyard.  Asking their permission seems to be the neighborly thing to do.

BREAKING THE LAW!?
Surprise!  In my state, Texas, there are no state laws prohibiting women from being topless.  However, if you are causing a disturbance you risk a charge of disorderly conduct or even public lewdness or indecent exposure.

In the context of our nudity, such charges are rare and often end up being thrown out (not that I want to go through the stress of being charged).  Typically these charges are dismissed as codes specifically refer to “sexual acts.”  Nakedness, by itself, is not defined as sexual.  Interesting that the law gets it, but general society doesn’t!  

However, the codes do refer to nakedness in regards to genitals.  Some codes prohibit exposing “genitalia.”  The good news there is breasts aren’t genitals.  How nice that our laws recognize that breasts are not sexual organs!   But, there is some risk of charges if you are naked “down there.”  Where charges tend to get made and tend to stick is when there was clear sexual intent, gratification, arousal, etc., going on.  That is not the context for our nudity.  

There are some cities in Texas that have codes that explicitly allow women to be topless — anywhere in the city!   In most cities it isn’t explicitly allowed, it just isn’t explicitly prohibited.  Breastfeeding, nude sunbathing, or public urination have been held up in courts as NOT constituting indecent exposure.  And most jurisdictions are not aggressive in trying to broadly interpret the codes as such interpretations typically fail in court.  Basically, if no one complains, no action is taken.  

The lack of aggression in trying to inforce the “nudity” statutes may also come from the fact not too many people try to push the boundaries.  Despite nothing prohibiting it, I haven’t seen or heard of anyone walking topless in public  (now Mike, don’t get any ideas!).  

Ultimately, most of the prohibition is focused on whether or not the naked person was reckless in failing to consider whether or not someone who is present will be offended or alarmed – thus, asking the neighbors is not just neighborly, it is legally prudent.

Simply put, if no one complains, nothing happens.  If someone complains, it is unlikely anything will happen.  In the rare cases you are charged, it often gets thrown out.  But, because some of these codes fall under “sex crimes,” it is very intimidating to want to try and test the waters as to what the codes permit.  And because the legality is often left up to whether or not someone was “offended or alarmed,” well, you can see why it can be risky.  

Despite this, my security-conscious private-person-of-a-husband, Mike, feels confident in our moving forward with this.  He is as taken to nudism as I am and feels strongly that we should be comfortable mowing our yard naked, sitting on our patio naked, or walking to and from our shed naked.  No one can really see us from our patio except maybe our heads – unless they go out of there way to peer over the fence.  And where our bodies can be seen, we typically will be moving thus any glimpses will be fleeting — and mostly from the mid-belly upwards — again, unless someone goes out of there way to peer over the fence.

MINI-RANT
There’s this line I’ve heard that goes something like, “Our sexuality is taken from us, commercialized, then sold back to us at a price.”  A comment that society demonizes our sexuality (especially women), then packages it and sells it to us at a price. In other words, it is only accepted if someone else can profit from it.   
Want to fill our kids with images of sexual suggestiveness, even combine it with violence?   Sure thing, every single day, no problem!  Allow anyone to see a naked body in a non sexual way?  No way, never, what’s wrong with you?!? Oh, I can go on a major rant.  But I won’t.   Check out www.freethenipple.com.

On to see the neighbors. . . 

NEIGHBOR #1
They live next door.  A couple about my age, soon-to-be-empty-nesters with just one child at home – she is 18, just graduated high school and will be attending school away from home in the fall.  Four other kids ranging from age 20-25, and some of them drop in frequently.

They have several different vantage points into our yard, but each one only provides a limited view.  They would have to stand in the middle of their yard in order to get the best view.  

I talk to the wife quite a bit, typically a short hello as we pull in or out of our driveways, but occasionally more meaningful dialogue.  I feel good about talking to her about this.  She immigrated from Spain, she is an artist, and just has this vibe where I sensed she was going to be fine with this.   She was.  

She shared she had been to nudist beaches and resorts in Europe when she was younger.  Her and her husband even took their two eldest kids back when they were little.  It was never thought of as a “trip to the nudist beach,” it was simply, “going to the beach.”   They stopped going simply because they moved and it wasn’t convenient to seek out a nude beach and the nudism wasn’t something they felt compelled to pursue.  And she didn’t even think of their nudity in the home as being “nudism.”  It was simply, “not being dressed yet.”

She shared that they last went to a nude beach about six years ago when their eldest daughter was looking at colleges.  They stayed in San Diego and went to a beach that had a nude section.  They were intrigued, so the whole lot of them went to the “nude section” and all got naked.  At that time the kids ranged from about 11 to 18.

Yep – her family doesn’t have any issues with nudity.  Oh – and it just so happens, San Diego is where T2 moved, so, humm…perhaps if we visit him we need to find that beach!

She assured me she was fine with us being naked in our own back yard, that her husband would concur, and her daughter would be fine.  Her only concern was that she asked me to be open to any requests for us to be clothed in the event they were expecting guests who may be “offended or alarmed.”   Of course!

That was easy!

NEIGHBOR #2.
She lives directly behind us.  I don’t know her very well.  She is in her late 50’s, retired high school teacher.  She is divorced, lives alone, and has two older daughters, each with a child under two.  Both daughters visit frequently with their kids and spouses (one is married to a man, the other to a woman).  

Her view into our yard is basically from about the shoulders up, except for one area where she could see from about the belly button on up.

She was surprised — “Like, naked naked. As in, no clothes at all naked?”   Yep, that’s the kind of naked I was talking about.   But she also appeared comfortable.

She then joked, “What’s in our water?  Do you know my next-door-neighbors are nudists?”

Yep, her neighbor, who is diagonal to my backyard, are nudists.  They have a little higher fence then everyone else… perhaps 8 foot instead of 6.  They also have one side of their yard with this dark black mesh extending above the fence about another two feet.  I assumed it was to block the sun, but apparently, it also serves to block the view.  They also have a large shed and tree in the corner adjacent to my yard, so views to and from that yard into mine are zero – but I hear kids in their swimming pool all the time.

She says she knows the family very well and has no qualms about what they do.  She said she can’t see a thing from her house so she wouldn’t even know when and if they are naked.

Wow!.  I was ready to pinch myself.  2 for 2!  How can I be so fortunate?  This was too easy!  HOWEVER. . . .

NOT THAT!
She asked me so, “So, we are talking about just you and your husband?”

I shared that J may be out at times and might be nude, and that we have friends and family members, young and old, who are nudists.  It’s rare that we hang out in the backyard when they are over, but, it is always possible.

And then — I explained who Kayla was – after all, we aren’t hiding her relationship.

My revelation seem to shake her a bit, and she started back-peddling on her comfort level with our nudism.  It was if my poly situation suddenly made my nudism something shameful.  While news of my inferred-bisexuality may have been news to her, she has a gay daughter, so I assumed that wasn’t the issue.  It was simply the thought of having this “open” marriage and “What about J?”

It prompted many questions – similar to those I posted about here.  The difference is that instead of answering those questions from my sisters or other people who were a bit more connected to me, this neighbor is not much more than stranger.  Even though they were the same questions, they felt a lot more “judgey.”

The discussion was very civil, but I did feel judged.  But in the end, I felt good about it.  She was very nice and while my news shook her a bit, seemed to shrug it off with, “whatever floats your boat.”  I was proud I didn’t hesitate to share who Kayla was and what she meant to Mike and I.  It isn’t something to be shameful of.  And I felt good that ultimately, she accepted it, albeit after some discussion.

Not that I needed her acceptance, but, don’t we all feel better when others accept us, regardless who they are?   I think I just needed to convince her my request that day wasn’t about asking to host orgies in my backyard.  And odd she didn’t need that convincing until I brought up Kayla.

NUDISM AND KINK
My convo with Neighbor 2 hit on something I have been becoming increasingly sensitive to.  Yes, you can describe my DD, D/s, and poly as kinky – I accept they are all unusual aspects of my life.  And I accept that nudism is also unusual. 

It is also unusual to have a special needs child.  It it unusual to have a husband who can work a lot from home.  It is unusual that I’ve been able to be a stay-at-home mom for around 20-years.  It is unusual that T1 is not my biological son.

Just because there is something that is “not the norm” about a given aspect of my life, doesn’t mean that it should serve, by itself, as a value-statement or that it is automatically connected to some other aspect of my life.   

My “kink” is no more related to my nudism than it is related to many other aspects of my life.  E would have come into my son’s life without my kink, and we would have been introduced to her lifestyle.  I believe we would have embraced it, even if we were still “vanilla.”  I will concede that, because of DD, our relationship and mindset is more open to at least considering avant-garde ideas, but nudism?  We would have tried it even if we were still vanilla – and I know we would have loved it just the same. 

NOT A GOOD NUDIST ADVOCATE
The issue I have tried to be sensitive to, and that my neighbor reinforced, is that I think I do the idea of nudism a disservice when I write about it.  My blog is not just “a day in the life” of Jennifer.  It is a blog about Domestic Discipline and my relationship with Kayla, and all the other various unusual things (aka kinks) I experience. 

It has crossed my mind that my writing about nudism could feed into the false notion that nudism is connected to something sexual, naughty, or forbidden.   It is none of those things.

I feel bad knowing so many people connect nudity with lust, shame, and a host of nothing but negative or “sinful” feelings.  There was a time I felt all those as well – and I cherish the fact I don’t any longer, and that I am surrounded by people who don’t feel that way either.  But sharing things (kink) that others would also label as lust, shame, and a host of other negative or “sinful” feelings ends up connecting the two.  

Because I do thing you may not approve – fine, judge me on those things.
Because I may do things you may not approve of while wearing sneakers – fine, judge me on those things and don’t judge my sneakers.
Because I may do things you may not approve of while naked – fine, judge me on those thing and do not judge my nakedness.

Of course, people won’t care about my sneakers as they have no conditioning to connect my sneakers with judgmental, “oh, you are one of those” type thoughts (although I do know some people who are pretty passionate about Nike’s).   Also, I don’t value my sneakers enough for to me to care if people think ill of them.  But nudism?  Many people will care, and I value my families’ embrace of nudism  – so I do care if people think ill of it.

THE NUDE NORMAL
The good news — my neighbors!  I am grateful my neighbors do not think ill of it.  And thus, our nakedness in our backyard begins!

As for me writing about it, well, we will just have to see.   I’d love to write about it in a way that shows how beneficial and normal it is, but a “kink” blog is not a good place to normalize anything, except kink!

Speaking of “normal” — Kink is waaaay more normal than people want to admit.
DD, D/s, poly, swinging, or whatever else you want to label as being part of my life — my writing doesn’t normalize it in terms of getting people to think about doing it…it’s been thought of since the dawn of mankind.   What I hope it does is hopefully normalize it in terms of people being willing to admit what they already do or admit that they want to do it.  In other words, it removes the shame and other negative stigma’s and replaces them with happiness, joy, fulfillment, contentment, and so on.

The fact you found my blog and are reading it tells me you have some level of interest, even if you don’t partake!  And you are “normal” either way.

Next: 265. Joy without submission?

260. More Mike, Jen, & Kayla: Equity vs. Equality

260

OPEN MARRIAGE
Labels are always tricky.  I don’t like the word “open” in the context of my marriage.  It infers “always open” as in, no barriers to entry and just picking up whatever the wind blows in.  It’s not like that.

It is open in this context – we are open to the concept that love is not finite nor needs to be confined to just two people.  My marriage indeed has barriers – say, four walls and a roof – it is just that the doors aren’t sealed shut.   We are open to answering a knock and evaluating whether or not we let them in.

ANSWERING QUESTIONS
As we are now open about Kayla, a few brave souls have asked questions – both people in my family and, during our vacation, some of E’s family.  Neither Mike, Kayla, or I had any qualms about answering any questions. and most were directed to me.  I think being the wife they felt I had some sort of aggrieved status that made my answers more credible, or at least more interesting.  

Many of the questions inferred concerns which fell into the same three buckets as what my sister’s expressed about my DD.  It’s degrading, it’s unfair, it’s unhealthy.  I used some of the same responses I used on my sisters as shared in Post 136. 

People seemed generally receptive.  They at least seemed to respect that I had thought through those issues and at least reconciled them for myself.  I learned if I answer their questions truthfully and with conviction, they quickly go from being concerned to simply being curious.  That curiosity often led to discussions about our views on relationships in general.

As I mentioned, I used an approach similar to that in Post 136 in answering their questions.  However, as it just so happens, I came across an additional way I can express myself going forward and I wanted to share it. 

INSPIRATIONAL CREDIT
I credit livingwithx.wordpress.com as my inspiration (i.e., I copied a lot).  I encourage you to read his About section.   I love to reflect and get all esoteric – but I know I do it in a wordy and rambling sort of way.  I appreciate his ability to be succinct.  What takes me an entire post to try to convey, he accomplishes in a few words or bullet points.

The concerns people expressed to me were often rooted in confusing  FAIRNESS with SAMENESS (which I covered in Post 136).  But it is deeper than that, and livingwithx explained it in a way that I feel was more eloquent and powerful than delineating fairness from sameness.  Their concerns were also rooted in confusing EQUITY with EQUALITY.

You can pretty much substitute his word, Equity, with my word, Fairness, as well as his word, Equality, for my word, Sameness.  It isn’t so much the labels that were powerful to me, it was in how livingwithx defined them.  

Equity is giving your relationship everything it needs to be successful.
Equality is making sure everyone in the relationship is being treated the same.

It’s simple. In your relationship, do you value success, or do you value sameness?  The answer seems obvious, but society conditions us to focus on the latter.  People are quick to identify the injustice of the smallest inequality.  So much so that they often overlook the devastation that comes from a lack of equity. 

As I illustrated to my sisters in Post 136, their drive for equality in their relationship has led to a lot of inequities.  I am not saying they are miserable — they are happy in their marriages.  But I am saying their relationships with their husbands could be more fulfilling (and they agree!).   And part of the reason is their focus on equality over equity.

Next time I am posed with a “Kayla” question, I think I will start it with a statement that in my relationship with Mike, we value success over sameness.  Then let the conversation go from there.  I believe most people agree they want the former, not the latter.  If so, then it is simply about finding what it is that your relationship needs, and go for it.  So did my relationship actually “need” Kayla?   More on that in a bit. 

WHAT DOES EQUITY REQUIRE?
Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Ouch!  I think that deserves repeating.   Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Why do people stay in such relationships?  At least try to invest the equity it takes to improve things.  As someone who has always been very self-reflective and in constant state of investing equity, it is hard for me to relate to someone accepting an equal relationship over one that is equitable.

I’ll admit though that my investments in equity didn’t always pay off.  Partly because I wasn’t being honest with myself regarding what I really needed and partly because I wasn’t being honest with Mike in communicating what I thought I needed (i.e. I lacked vulnerability).  Oh, and partly because Mike wasn’t in an equitable state of mind because he was also focused on “equality” plus, he wasn’t always open and honest about what he needed (i.e he lacked vulnerability).  So yeah, just wanting and seeking equity doesn’t mean you’ll get it.

So if equity isn’t about seeking everything your relationship needs to be successful, what is it?   Oh!  It is about finding what it needs to be successful.  How do you do that?  It’s a learning process.  So how do you learn that?

IT STARTS WITH YOU – YOU ARE #1
I know it sounds selfish, but first, you have to know what you want and then, you must be willing to ask for what you want.  Simply put, you need to find a partner that fulfills YOUR NEEDS.  Nothing really selfish in that.  That is relationship 101.  Why would you want a partner that doesn’t do that?

In order to have your needs fulfilled, you have to communicate them (i.e. you have to be vulnerable).  My plethora of vulnerability posts can be found in the Finding My Happiness section of my Shortcuts.

IT THEN TURNS TO THE NEEDS OF THE OTHER
While it starts with you, it doesn’t end with you.   Equity requires that you focus on the needs of the relationship, which means – others in the relationship.  In order to have your needs fulfilled you have to be willing to fulfill your partner’s needs as well.  It is through that emotional and physical investment of fulfilling each other’s needs that you create EQUITY.  It doesn’t matter if the emotional and physical investments of each person were not EQUAL.    

In our case, there was a change in what I needed from our relationship and my life.  That change happened to involve DD.  I had to understand it first, then had to communicate it – that is, I had to ask for it.  That understanding/asking is laid out in my first half-dozen or so posts.

I was then fortunate enough to have a partner in Mike who was willing to invest his equity (efforts, emotions, actions, ) in fulfilling my needs as he saw that there was potential for my equity (efforts, emotions, actions) to fulfill his needs.   And what if there is a situation where partners don’t agree on the equity?   That’s where communication and give and take have to come in, and in our case, Mike’s role as HOH comes in.

What if you are having too many situations where we can’t agree things are equitable?  To me the result is that the relationship can’t be fulfilling.  Someone – maybe everyone – is settling for less than their needs require.  You can only do that for so long before resentment builds, leading to a downward spiral that self destructs the relationship.

DID MY RELATIONSHIP “NEED” KAYLA?
You can’t always define everything your relationship needs. It is more about addressing each of life’s situations and opportunities as they come.  So we didn’t “need” a third and then go looking for one.   Instead, our relationship has a need to remain open and honest about everyone’s wishes and desires.  This leads us to be open to life’s possibilities…in this case, the possibility of a third, such that when the right situation presented itself, it happened.  

Does that mean we are open to a fourth?  Why stop there.  A fifth?  Well, sure, why not? I don’t foresee that happening, but I know our relationship will take whatever path it needs to take to ensure success.  I can’t imagine how more people would add to our success, but frankly, I could have never imagined how Kayla could have done so.

So that is my long-winded way of laying out my thoughts on my marriage.  I don’t know that I specifically answered how it is that Kayla fits in to our “equity”  Or how say, John & Donna, or our overall sex life,  Matt, nudism, and oh yeah, and Domestic Discipline – how does all of that fit into our “equity?”    I think the simplest answer is, “It just works for us.”  Wow. This entire post could have probably been just those 5 words.  

With that settled. . . what of my inference to Mike’s Dominance perhaps evolving beyond where I would like it to be?   Well, that all makes for a good next post!

NEXT: 261.  A bit more on Kayla