Tag Archives: coming out

149. Kayla Rises. A Submissives Manifesto

149

A few months ago Kayla “came out” to a male friend of hers, Daniel.  I point out that he is gay, not because it matters, but he is still in the closet to friends and family, except he has shared with Kayla.  They have a sibling-like relationship, always platonic, and we have met him on a few occasions.  When Kayla asked to share her (and ours) dynamic with him, Mike and I agreed.  

Kayla said that Daniel never asked a lot of questions when she told him and just accepted that she was in a relationship with an older couple and it involved some kink, namely Kayla being submissive.  

Daniel was over this afternoon visiting with Kayla and I guess it gave him an opportunity to see certain things and thus ask more questions about our dynamic.  It was a very respectful conversation, no judgement – just curiosity.   His visit and that conversation was uneventful to the point it wouldn’t even warrant a post about it, sans one bit of the dialogue.  

Daniel said something to Kayla like, “By becoming submissive aren’t you basically agreeing to allow yourself to be violated?”

Kayla’s response touched me and I felt I had to share it.

Kayla’s Response
 “Yes, Daniel, you could use that word, ‘violated,’ but I believe that word implies a lack of consent.  A better word is ‘challenged.’  I allow my character, my beliefs about myself, my personal integrity, my morals, my ethics – all of that — I allow all of that to be challenged.” 

“What it has meant to me is that I have found a new way to express the feelings and emotions that I have always had.  I express them in ways that are not self-destructive.  And I don’t believe I have “become a submissive.”  I believe I was always a submissive, but I just didn’t know it and had to find it buried inside of me.  I believe the only way to be a real submissive is to be real.  Be who you are, and for me, this is who I am.”  

“For the first time in my life I am truthful with myself.   My submission is about dedication to the truth – the truth in who I am.  I find I answer the questions I pose to myself with more honesty than ever before.  Because I must share my feelings with Mike and Jen, I have to give more thought to what I am truly feeling.  I can’t just give those feelings a fleeting thought and a hasty, ill-conceived and overly self-negative, conclusion.  I have to think through them more deeply as I have to be able to articulate them to Mike and Jen.”   

“Honesty is a harsh and harrowed path, but is the only path that allows happiness to bear its greatest fruit.  I have found that delivering the fullness of myself to Mike, and allowing that fullness to be challenged, or in your words, violated, I am able to find out who I truly am.  More importantly, I discovered that honesty and myself are enough.  Who I am is enough.  Enough for me, enough for Mike, enough for Jen, and enough for this world.”   

“And it isn’t as if I have reached some ultimate destination.  My excitement is that while I now feel “enough,” I know there is so much more for me to learn about myself and the world.  That my “enough” will not only continue to expand, but it will do so without me ever again feeling “less than.”  Life’s uncertainties no longer scare me.  Poor decisions and bad experiences of the past don’t weigh me down.”  

“I am a submissive, which is not to say I am submissive.  I am Mike’s submissive, but to the world I am Kayla, and I am strong, and I am smart, and I am worthy, and I am enough.”

WOW
I was practically crying when she finished.  Even now I have a hard time putting into words what her statement meant to me.  Frankly, what it means to me is secondary to what it meant to Kayla.  Of course, I had to have her repeat much of this so that I could get it all down.  I told her how much it moved me and made me feel so good that Mike and I played our part in helping her with this.

I shared before that Kayla was a bit of a wallflower, a bit shy, and very insecure,  “Was” being the operative word.  That Kayla is no more.  As she said, Kayla is strong, smart, worthy, and enough!   

NEXT: 150. Entering the Forbidden Zone

 


 

 

116. Revealing DD to my sisters!

reveal

With Mike and Kayla in Orlando (last week) my cover story for Kayla’s absence was that she was spending a weekend with friends.  That Saturday afternoon I left J with his cousins and uncle and my sister’s and I went out for lunch.  I figured that was as good as time as any to “come out” about my DD lifestyle. 

Before I share the details of what happened, know there was a lot more questions and answers than I cover here.  I needed to condense their reaction and questions to keep the post from getting too long while still capturing the essence of what went on. 

THE REVEAL
I started by mentioning that they had both previously told me some time ago that they noticed a difference in Mike and I. They described it as a “zest,” as if we seemed to have an extra spring in our steps.  They sensed greater joy and contentment.  At the time I told them that I attributed this to just a maturing in our relationship.  Two kids basically out of the house and doing well, our finances in order, Mike’s job going well with a great flexible schedule allowing him to frequently work from home, and most importantly things going well with J.  While he is far from independent, his physical needs have lessened as he is stronger and more agile than ever before.  Add to that his anxiety and obsessiveness has lessened, reducing stress for everyone.  In reminding them of this I stated that my explanation at the time was true, but incomplete.  I left out one more ingredient to our mid-life peace and joy.  

I said, “Well, there is one more thing to which I can attribute the things you’ve noticed.  Almost two years ago I made a choice to be a submissive wife and give Mike authority over many things.”

They both had this sort of crooked half-smile peeking through tightened lips with a scrunched face, as if you are trying to get your lips, nose, and eyebrows to touch.

Sis 1 said, “What in the world do you mean?”

I repeated myself and nonchalantly and added, “Yeah, you heard it right.”

Sis 2 was quick to say, “Submissive how?”   This reminded me so much of when the word “spanking” was uttered for the first time when introducing my idea of DD to Mike (Post 9. So…Like a Spanking?).  There it was, the BIG question!   I already had planned on an approach that would be like trying to peel an onion – I would reveal just one layer at a time versus just giving them a big bite of the onion. 

LAYER 1
“Well, I simply defer to him on pretty much every decision.  I still can share my thoughts, but often do not, and when I do, he can consider them or not, it’s his call.   And we set up clear communication rules that we both follow.  We share what is on our minds, but typically through a planned and constructive manner, such as a weekly meeting.  It’s these meetings were I can bring up issues during the week that bothered or me or that I want clarified.  Doing it this way, away from the heat of the moment, allows us to easily address those things but again, ultimately if Mike says ‘that’s the way it is’ then I accept it.  Fortunately, he rarely has to be so definitive or demanding.”

There was more discourse between my sister’s and I, mainly consisting of me assuring them this was my idea.  There was also the inevitable question, ”Why?”

LAYER 2
I tried not to focus too much on the “why” and instead focus more on the results, sharing with them much of the sentiments I shared on many posts, such as 26. Submission = Transparency = Love or 30. I Found My Thrill.  I reminded them that they witnessed the change in me and in my relationship with Mike.  I told them I couldn’t be happier.  I also was clear that I don’t advocate this for anyone.  My choice was not my commentary on what relationships or women’s roles should be.  I don’t believe in women being submissive – I do believe in ME being submissive.  I shared with them that I surprised myself with my initial interest in even trying this, and was surprised and relieved at Mike’s acceptance of it, and of course, have been thrilled with the results.  I told them that whatever the amount of shock and disbelief they have with this, it pales with the level of shock and disbelief I had with myself when it all started.   

LAYER 3
At some point Sis 2 brought up the Fifty Shades reference and said, “Are you submissive like that?”   My response was, “I don’t relate to that as analogous to what Mike and I have, because that relationship is way different, but, if you mean, does Mike spank me, well, the answer is yes.”

Now their faces contorted in the opposite direction.  Instead of “scrunch face” they had “stretch face.”  As if you are trying to push your eyebrows to the top of your head while also trying to touch you chin to your chest. 

Sis 2 was again quick to chime in.  “You don’t mean like spank you spank you.  You just mean like some spanking with sex?”

Again, as calmly and nonchalantly as possible I said, “No, I mean spank me as in punish me if I break a rule.”

Both of their heads exploded.  My sisters are dead.   Just kidding.  Their shocked reaction was the “No way!” type of shock, not the “Oh no!” type of shock.   They had these half smiles as they continued to ask questions.  I was a bit coy, and told them that they don’t need to know all the details.

LAYER 4
I told them the story of how this all came about, much like you can read about in Post 2. The Backstory and Post 3. The Search.  I shared with them the term “Domestic Discipline” and that while Mike has a lot of discretion, I created my rules and the structure for the punishments.  I then told them that Mike and I have even “played” with others.

I anticipated Sis 1 wasn’t going to like that and Sis 2 would be like, “tell me more” and that was pretty much the reaction I got.   Sis 1 was like, “That’s fine if it works for you, but I don’t want to know about it.”  Sis 2 was like, “Oh I gotta’ hear this, you can tell me more later.”   I told them there wasn’t more to tell. I just felt compelled to share this with them as we share so much together and being a submissive wife and being open to sexual exploration with Mike is an integral part of who I am and I don’t want to hide that from them.  I told them that my intent is not to share all the details, but for them to know that this is an important part of my life, so important that I felt they needed to know.   And now they do.

My sisters and I are loyal to the core.  We always strive to understand each other, thus lots of questions. We are never judgmental. Never uttering the “how could you!”  But we do help each other think through the pros and cons.  In this case, I’ve analyzed my choices to death, and have considered every angle, more than once. So there wasn’t anything they asked or said that gave me pause.   A lot of the questions were due to their preconceived notion of what “submissive” meant to them.  Eventually I believe I got them to understand what it means to me.    

LAYER 5
They had questions about how we kept this from our kids, especially J, and they rightfully were concerned about how the kids would react to this if they found out.  I jokingly said that Mike and I had a “mental health savings account” to set aside money to help them with their therapy if they found out.   In all seriousness, what kid wants to know anything about their parent’s kinks?   Yuck!!   I don’t think they would be the least bit interested in knowing anything about TTWD.   There is always a risk that they walk in on something or hear something.  We take a lot of precautions to prevent that but nothing is guaranteed.  While having children shouldn’t keep a couple from their kinks, you do have to be creative and cautious to keep it under wraps.   I didn’t give them details and just assured them we take proper precautions.

LAYER 6
Leave it to Sis 2, whose got the wilder imagination sex-wise, to connect the dots re Kayla.   She suddenly blurted, “Oh my god, what about Kayla!”   I slyly said, “Well, what do you think?”   Suffice to say it was another barrage of questions and answers.   Their biggest concern was her age and I echoed that. I reminded them that she is 22 and not 16, and that we have been very careful to allow her to set her own pace with things.  Ultimately, I was able to make it clear that her living with us involves more than just a place for her to live, and that she is mature, but young, adult who is able to make decisions for herself.  I reminded them that not only was I married at 22, but Sis 1 already had a three-year old when she was 22.  While we all agree that today we are much smarter about life than we were at 22, none of us regret the decisions we made at that age.  And even if, in hindsight, we can cite unwise decisions we made in our youth, there was nothing anyone could have told us at 22 that would have changed those decisions. 

Sis 2 said something about whether I am spanked in front of Kayla.  That’s when I said, “It happens, as well as her getting spanked in front of me.”   Yet another round of questions!   They hadn’t connected that the rules and punishments applied to her. 

So, my sisters know I live a DD lifestyle, sans many of the details.  They know that we have been with at least one other couple (I didn’t name John and Donna specifically as I didn’t think it fair to John and Donna for me to share this).  And they know that Kayla is a live in “girlfriend” as they framed it.  I didn’t feel it necessary to elaborate and explain that she means more to us than that label conveys.  I believe I gave them enough news to digest for now. 

Overall it went well, as well as I was expecting.  It felt good to share.  I felt even more committed and appreciative of my submission.  There is something about a verbal affirmation to others that invigorates and reassures oneself.  Much like this blog has done for me – but more so.  

Next: 117. The Stick of Truth, Part I 

 

 

 

73. Pube Shaving Party

shave

Okay, so this image doesn’t really go with the title, but I thought it was cute.

I previously shared my Strip Quarters story as Mike suggested I share some of my sexcapades of my youth.  Here’s another fun experience I had in my college days/daze.

In the Strip Quarters story I shared my experienced with my childhood best friend, Amy.  Amy and I also roomed together in college.  It was my junior year, so about 1990 or so.  We shared a two bedroom apartment with two other girls, so Amy and I shared a bedroom while our other roommates, Cheryl and Barbara shared the other.

We all had boyfriends and while Amy and I still messed around at times, our roommates had no idea that we were bisexual – although at the time I didn’t think of myself as bisexual though.  I liked having sex with Amy, not women in general.   Anyway, suffice to say acceptance of this in 1990 was not what it is today, and Amy and I didn’t want it to be well known that we had sex with each other.   Barbara and Cheryl were great roommates but we didn’t hang around the same crowds and they were definitely more conservative and religious – especially Barbara.

There was a weekend where Barbara had gone back home to visit so it was just us three gals.  Cheryl had gone out with her boyfriend, and Amy and I just stayed decided to have a night in with just the two of us.  Amy and I were on the couch and started messing around, and Cheryl happens to come in as we forgot to lock the door and were not expecting her so early.   I don’t exactly recall but I think Amy had her hands down my pants which were unbuttoned, and I had a hand up her shirt.  Whatever the position we were in, there was no casually moving away and hoping Cheryl didn’t suspect what we were doing.  It was very obvious.

We looked up and Cheryl stood there for a bit and said something nervously like, “Uh, hey, hi guys.  Um, I’ll just leave now.” And she walked out.

Amy and I looked at each other with this look that was a combination of horror and humor.  We started talking about how to concoct some story to minimize the chance Cheryl would be freaked out.  We didn’t want her blabbing to everyone, and knowing Barbara, we felt she would completely freak if Cheryl told her.  We couldn’t come up with any great plan and just figured, “oh well, we’ll just tell her we were drinking and it was just a one-time thing.”

About an hour or so later Cheryl comes back and she is holding a bag.  She looked sheepishly at the two of us and said, “Okay, I want in.”   At the same time Amy and I said, “In on what?”

Cheryl was pretty nervous and said, “You know, I want to be with you all, in that way.”  Neither Amy or I could come up with any words to say as we were perplexed.  Amy opened the bag and pulled out a bottle of tequila and a porno.  Amy apparently went to the liquor store and an adult video store.  Amy said, “Look, I know I have been attracted to girls for a long time and tried to resist, but after seeing you two and after the night I had with my boyfriend, I just can’t hide it any longer.  I don’t know if you all think of me in that way, but I thought if we relaxed and had a bit to drink, and watched this movie, we could, you know, get in the mood?”

Both Amy and I took on the role of more consoling Cheryl than anything else.  It was clear she was nervous and uneasy.  I remember that despite her nerves, she still came across very sure of herself and her feelings.  She just poured her heart out to Amy and I, relived to get it all out to someone for the first time in her life.    The three of us talked for quite a while.  It became clear to us that Cheryl was a lesbian but had been suppressing it her whole life.  Amy and I ended up sharing with Cheryl everything about our relationship together.  Cheryl even shared that she had kissed Barbara once, very deeply and basically a pretty major make out session, but it didn’t go further.  It was alcohol induced and the next day Barbara told her she never wanted to talk about it and that it would never happen again and that was the extent of it.

Cheryl shared the many crushes she had on various girls and women throughout her life and that she knew she was different from a very young age, but worked hard to suppress it – and she was tired of it.  She said she broke up with her boyfriend that evening, and when she left the apartment after seeing Amy and I messing around the couch, she decided that was it, she was “declaring her major” as she laughingly put it.  She was attracted to women and she was done with men.

We proceeded to crack open the tequila and pop in the VHS.  We told her we didn’t need the video, but what the heck, let’s see what she got.  We talked over most of the flick, and as the booze took effect started to get playful with each other.  At some point all three of us were naked and having sex while the movie played in the background.   Occasionally one of us would glance at the tv and say, “Ha, look at that!”  We’d watch for a minute and then get back to the real life action we had going on in the room.

Towards the end of the movie there was a scene where this woman shaved this other woman and it too got our attention and we all commented on it.  Remember, this was 1990, ahead of the trend to go bare down there.  Anyway, I don’t recall if all three of us had orgasms but Cheryl definitely did.  We were relaxing in silence in a naked three-way embrace as the VHS had long ended.  Cheryl then said, “hey, why don’t you guys shave me?”

We were half a bottle in to the tequila and probably shouldn’t be trusted with a razor, but, we were game.  We found some scissors and the three of us went into the bathroom.    Amy had the honors while I directed, “Clip some more off here, clip some more off there.”   Once she was clipped down pretty short, Amy whipped out some shaving cream.  We got a towel and a bowl of water and Cheryl sat way down on her bed so her trimmed snatch was easily accessible.   Amy proceeded to lather Cheryl up and started shaving.  Amy and I took turns at shaving Cheryl and eventually she was bare.  It was quite a mess, as there was water, shaving cream, and hair everywhere.

Amy then said, “Who’s next?”   There was a “no thank you” from me, but Amy was eager and willing.  When we finished shaving Amy the two of them were both begging me to join the “bare down there” club.  Eventually I was talked into a close trim with the scissors, but no shave.

When we were all done we started back up messing around, and basically had sex the rest of night until we fell asleep.   When we woke the next morning we saw the mess we had left.  In our tequila-altered state we obviously had not been focused on keeping things tidy.   Somehow we had a trail of shaving cream and pubic hair all over the floor from the bathroom to Cheryl’s bed, even all over her bed.  We frantically cleaned up, washed the towels and vacuumed as we didn’t know when Barbara would be home.  We kept finding more hair and would have to pull the vacuum back out.  It was quite comical.

We never informed Barbara of what went on.  Cheryl was indeed lesbian.  She started dating other women.  Barbara was a year ahead of us and while she was not happy with Cheryl’s coming out, she continued to room with us the rest of the year when she then graduated and moved out. We heard the phrase “hate the sin, love the sinner” quite a bit that semester.

Anyway, Cheryl now has a longtime girlfriend and I hear they are planning to get married soon.   I feel good that I had some part to play in her coming out and start her on her journey towards accepting that part of her.    All thanks to a her walking in on us, the tequila confidence booster, and the resulting impromptu Pube Shaving Party.

Next: 74. Interview with Sir