234. Calculate Your Domestic Discipline Readiness

Anniversaries are a wonderful time to reflect, reminisce, and take stock of where it all began.   March 17 marked three years since Mike and I formally adopted Domestic Discipline.  

There are so many positives in my life

• The Relationships:  Kayla, John and Donna, Matt.
• The Household Processes:  finances, cleanliness, order
• Marital Health:  absence of arguments and tension
• The kids:  all well on the children front (okay, 2 of them are adults, but, they are always your children regardless how hold they get).
• Mental Health:  overall “nourished” feeling about life.     

Our DD currently feel effortless – more so than at any other time.  We continue on this good groove,  attributed to finding the right balance after taking a few months to adjust to our October contract.  In it we adjusted our Maintenance Sessions,  added Rituals, the added mantras, a dress code, and other items.  Those changes completed the seemly subtle, yet significantly impactful, evolution of going from being “submissive to Mike” towards being “Mike’s submissive.”   

I guess 20+ years of working at it with negligible results gave us the motivation and mindset to work hard at mastering our DD.      

HOW WE’VE DONE IT
I’ve opined as to why DD has worked for us. If you’re new, go to My Shortcuts and check out the posts under “Finding My Happiness” or “Thoughts on Being Submissive.”  I re-read a lot of those posts and realize I’ve left off two foundational pillars of successfully exploring DD.  All else, the fun, the love, the vulnerability, the discipline, the eroticism, the tears, and the journey—are built upon consent and trust.   Let’s explore Consent and Trust, Jenny style.

CONSENT = PERMISSION + AGREEMENT 
I am not referring to the simple, “No means no” consent.   I am coming from the perspective of an established consensual relationship that is considering DD.  

There are two parts of my consent equation.    

• Part One:  Grant permission.
  Easy to understand, not always easy to execute.
  Requires communicating how you allow the person to treat you.
  Sounds simple, but not if you don’t yet know what it is you will or won’t accept. 

Jenny’s tip:  Not sure what you want?  Start with communicating how you feel and how you want to feel.  This gets you and your partner on the path towards filling in the blanks regarding what you both are willing to accept (rules, punishments, etc).

I had reservations about granting Mike permission to spank me or discipline me in any way.  I didn’t wait to fully reconcile those reservations — else I would still be waiting.  With enough communication, I felt he basically understood what I would allow and I felt I basically understood what he was willing to do.

• Part two:   Understand and Accept the permission being granted to you.
  Hard to understand, hard to execute.
  This requires being receptive to, and understanding of, what it is the other person wants to give.  Two potential areas of failure.
  –  One, you may not be receptive to what the other person wants.  Someone may give you consent to spank them, but if you don’t want to do it, there is no consent in the relationship for spanking.
  –  Two, you may be receptive, but you don’t understand it.  You think you understood what they wanted, and when you delivered it, they resisted or resented.This requires communication and trial and error (see Tip below).Before we started DD, Mike and I had lots of discussions – sharing our thoughts, concerns, research.  Once implemented, our Maintenance Sessions have been a vital communication and calibration tool – even three years later.  If either part of consent is absent, I see lots of starts and stops, ups and downs, and a very challenging time ahead.

Jenny’s Tip:   Don’t wait on perfection.  You can talk this to death and never get anywhere.  No matter how well you articulate your needs via the permission you grant someone (Part One), those needs will never be FULLY understood (Part Two) until you actually start doing it.   Some times to best understand something, you just have to experience it.  Communicate to the point you feel there is sufficient consent, such that, with Trust, you are ready to try DD.  What constitutes Trust?

TRUST
A DD myth is that it is about abuse and, well, weirdness.  Actually, it’s about trust (okay, and perhaps a little weirdness, so what?).  In DD, trust goes beyond a simple confidence in someone else.  Trust trumps the possibility of harm and embarrassment.  The result is incredible intimacy.  Once it starts, it snowballs.  The intimacy creates clarity in communicating, improving consent and trust, thus improving intimacy.  Repeat.

It is this feeling of trust that enables you to share your desires with your partner.  Without trust, you’ll never be able to share, thus never able to begin to truly address consent.  There are three parts to my trust in Mike: 

1. Part One:  Hearing each other
   Confidence that we listen to each other’s needs  – both stated and unstated. 
   
   Jenny’s Tip:  This can only happen if you actually communicate your needs.  And not in some “code” or inference, but directly stating what you need and want.  This is not easy.
2. Part Two:  Understanding each other.
   Confidence that Mike understands what I am saying (and I understand what he is saying).  Not just the words, as we often fumble for the right words – but we find an understanding about the intent and the meaning behind the words we say.
   
   Jenny’s Tip:  Sorry, but this is NOT done through osmosis like most relationships expect and believe.   Nope, it requires dialogue.  Not just a, “Okay” or “I get it,” response, but a back and forth, open and frank, self-revealing emotional conversation.   As such, Part Two tends to be the hard one!
3. Part Three:  I accept myself / Mike accepts himself
   If I am fearful or full of self-loathing, I may fool myself into believing I have accomplished Part One and Two of Trust.  If I am desperate, I may simply wish he heard my thoughts and feelings and read between the lines because I would be too afraid to fully reveal them.  Simply put, you can’t trust someone else if you don’t trust yourself.
   Jenny’s Tip:  Accepting myself doesn’t mean I have made sense of my feelings.  I can still have doubts.  I did not understand why DD appealed to me.  I accepted that it resonated with me in a way nothing else did.  I accepted my feelings without of shame or guilt. . . had to correct myself there.  I accepted my negative thoughts but didn’t let them impact what I thought about my worthiness as a person or wife.  I knew the idea of DD would sound irrational to Mike.   It is entirely okay if your feelings are irrational — just share them. THIS HAS BEEN HARD FOR ME because I tend to want to reconcile and rationalize my thoughts before sharing them.  I have come to understand that people relate to irrational thoughts — because we all have them.  Air them with your partner, and you’ll be on the path towards trust, and ultimately consent. 

THE COMMON FACTOR IN CONSENT AND TRUST
Clear, frank, self-revealing emotional communication.  Yes, I already stated that before, but it was worth repeating because it is difficult.  Most couples don’t discuss their needs, especially not when it comes to DD or kink.  This diminishes intimacy, diminishes their ability to consent, and erodes trust.  DD absolutely requires ongoing, detailed discussion.

Delving into Domestic Discipline often means exploring parts of yourself and your relationship that you are unsure of.  How do you effectively communicate something that you are unsure of?   With difficulty.  But a foundation of consent and trust makes it less difficult and provides a means by which through ongoing communication, you become more and more sure of yourself, sure of your partner, and sure of you DD.

DD READINESS FORMULA
Since I stated happiness as a formula, I’ll summarize a “readiness formula” to evaluate the likelihood your relationship can successfully engage or sustain DD (or any kink).

The formula is: (( P + A ) (5T)) – 100O) = Readiness to engage DD

That is, Permission + Acceptance (aka Consent), multiplied by 5 times Trust, then subtract 100 times the frequency at which you rely on Osmosis versus open and honest communication with your partner.   Yes, if osmosis is your go-to communication technique, exploring DD or kink is probably not for you.

This will undeniably, irrefutably, indisputably, and incontrovertibly determine your relationships readiness to engage in Domestic Discipline (or kink in general).

At least I think so.  Maybe not?

Next: 235. Seeking inspiration

211. Eek! Dom Fail!

I often follow a “punishment” related post with one of reflection.  Writing helps clear my mind of various thoughts following an intense punishment.  This time I don’t feel the need for it.  I accept it, I earned it, I am influenced by it, I am uplifted by it, and I am fulfilled by it.  It is aligned with my desires to be compliant with the commitments I have made to myself and Mike — he can do no wrong in my mind when it comes to his disciplining me.

Or can he? 

THE LUNCH BUNCH
I have a “lunch bunch” group of girlfriends that get together now and then, yes, typically for lunch.  (I posted about them before and about inappropriately revealing certain TTWD’s to them that earned me a punishment).  We are more connected via social media than in person, but we try to get together every now and then.  I missed the last couple of gatherings – schedule conflict or maybe I was sick one of the times.  Whatever, I am overdue for attending one of these. 

MIKE SAYS NO, and a bit more
Early last week I got a text about getting together for lunch later this week.  My calendar is clear and I know I can get my chores done and still attend.  As per my rules, I ask Mike for permission.

“No, you may not go.”

He gives no explanation and adds, “I want you to text back these words exactly, “Mike said I can’t attend this time.  Maybe the next one.”

Despite my surprise in hearing ‘no,’ my submissive reflexes are quick and I respond with a clear, “Yes, Sir.” I waste no time and get my phone.  Send!  Shortly thereafter I get a text back saying, “Hope to see you next time,” along with the “eek” emoji.  That’s the emoji face with the grimace showing it’s teeth.  

“Sir, did I fail to put something on my calendar, I show I was free at that time?”

“No, there isn’t anything I am aware of that you need to do.”

I accept his answer.  I enjoy these lunches but I enjoy submitting to Mike even more.  If he has something in mind such that he doesn’t want me to attend, so be it.  I addressed my concern regarding my calendar because failing to keep it accurate could result in a spanking.  I was curious as to why the text, but I tuck that wonderment away for a question to be asked at our next Maintenance Session.   

REFLECTION
As I journaled that night, I am hit by the magnitude of how I handled myself.  Not only do I not desire an explanation from Mike, but I don’t even try to ponder what his reasons might be.  This is huge for me!  Like, gargantuan for me!  A major event!  And it really vibrates my submissive tickle-spot to have him display this control over me.  I am not embarrassed by what I texted – I am excited!  Excited for the opportunity to explain it to her, excited to have shown Mike my love, trust, and confidence in him to obey without questioning why he said no.  I do not care why.  I am fulfilled in following his wishes.

ASKING THE QUESTION 
At our Sunday Maintenance I ask, “Sir, I have a question about the text you had me send regarding the lunch with my friends. May I ask it”

We have this routine where I basically ask permission to ask a question about a particular topic.  It’s not a specific rule, but it is in keeping with being respectful while still sharing any concerns I have.  I don’t believe he has ever told me he would not explain something when I have ask in this manner.  

“Ask away.”

“Sir, is there a particular way you recommend I handle questions she and others are certainly going to ask me.  I know she is going to tell everyone what I texted her.”

I am asked if I am bothered by this.  “No, Sir, I am excited by it.  I want to make sure I understand what I am permitted to say to her and the others.”  As per our rules, I am not to share aspects of TTWD without Mike’s permission.

PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF SUBMISSION
Since October we have been much more public in displaying our D/s.   We have talked a little bit about it with our children and other extended family members — simply that I chose to let Mike “take over the reigns” so to speak, and defer more to him.  I was “tired of being in command.”  They totally accepted it as they know I was the “do everything” mom for a long time.

I think the nonchalant manner in which we explained (very little) things  helped contribute to a response that was basically, “Meh.”   That, and, well, I think most people just don’t want to know the details.  The one area that had a little more of reaction was my calling him “Sir.”  I told my kids I’ve committed to treating dad more nicely and respectfully, thus the “Sir.”   They did see that as a bit odd, but also accepted it.   Oh, back to my Maintenance Session.

BACK TO THE MAINTENANCE SESSION, ALREADY IN PROGRESS
Mike tells me he trusts in whatever I decide to share, with one condition.  He wants my responses to not reveal any more than is necessary to answer the specific question.  Thus, a simple, “Yes” or “No,” to most questions.  If they pry, then explain as necessary to answer their specific question.  I am told there is no need to lie about anything – be truthful, but show discretion. 

I thank Mike for the information and we talk a bit more about what it means to be more open with our submission.  We are “calibrated” on this subject.   

Mike asks, “Don’t you have another question?”  “No, Sir.”

His eyes open wide in amazement, “Nothing?”  Again I reply, “No, Sir,” and I add,  “I only wanted to make sure my response to them is acceptable to you.  That’s it.”

“Wow,” he says with an impressed look.  “Okay then.  I was waiting for you to ask me why I wouldn’t let you go.  Don’t you want to know?”

“Sir, I am not curious in the way curious implies an eagerness or a doubt.  I wrote it all down in my journal.”  I show him.  I wrote, “I am not curious from the standpoint curious implies eager.  I am not eager to know.  I have no wonder or doubts.  There is no anxiety or yearning.  But, I am curious from the standpoint it was unexpected, a surprising answer.  He hasn’t said ‘no’ before.  But other than the unexpected nature of it, I have no curiosity.  It is what he wants, that is more than sufficient.”   

Mike questions me, clearly needing convincing of my sincerity.  Normally I would be troubled by this, but I understood why – I’ve questioned and doubted his reasoning before, so why not now?   He was finding my response equally “curious.”   Instead of simply telling me why or moving on to another subject, Mike asks me what I think his reasons might be. 

“Sir, I haven’t thought about it, but doing so now, perhaps it was part of the “reset,” perhaps there is still something you want of me that you will reveal in time, or perhaps you are just comforted by my submitting to you.  Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter to me unless you want me to know.” 

 I was not saying this for the sake of appearing submissive.  It is truly my mindset.  I don’t seek any reason other than I desire to serve him.  It feels really good to feel this way.  Amazingly good.  Again, my submissive tickle spot is vibrating like crazy!   Submissive bliss inside my giant submissive bliss-filled bubble.  

“Well,” Mike says sheepishly, “I wish I could say any one of those was my reason.  But to be honest, I am sorry to say it wasn’t for anything as nice as that.”

“Pop!”  I could feel my bubble burst. 

DOM FAIL
I am bewildered as he remains silent.  “Sir?  Mike?  Are you going to explain?”

“Well, you see. . . in the moment you asked, there was just something that told me to say “no.”  So I said it.  My next thought was that I was reminded of your disobedience when you had your last lunch and told them those things about us.  Something just clicked in my head to think you shouldn’t be allowed to see them this one time as punishment.”

I recognized my submissive reflexes turned themselves off. I take in a deep breath and remind myself to “Think loving intentions.  Be respectful.  Stay calm.”  

“Sir, I am sorry too, but that really bothers me.  Any discipline I receive is to be over once you say it is over.  And we had a closing ceremony and all was forgiven.  That’s why we say those words.  ‘All is forgiven’ is to mark the end so that it can also mark a new beginning, no lingering resentments.”   There, I was calm.   But then, snidely I add, “That was like a YEAR ago!” (Hey, I was almost perfect in my response.  Remember, progress, not perfection!).

“Jen, let’s not make this about your submission.  Please don’t raise your voice.  Yes, I screwed up.  I am sorry.  I didn’t think it through and just reacted.  When I first said ‘no’ I really didn’t even know why.  It was only in the seconds afterwards that I connected it to that reason.  To be honest, I didn’t think of it as additional punishment, even though you are right, it is.  Had I thought about it that way I would have changed my mind.  It really was out-of-bounds.  I am sorry.”

With that, I felt my submissive bubble starting to fill back up.  I thought of the several “submissive fails” that I have had over the last three years.  This was the first time Mike made a decision that was contrary to any “rule” we have.   And the way he owned up to it – oh my God, it was so sincere.  Not in just the words, but I could tell he was disappointed in himself.  This was not about some plot to get me.  (Something pre-DD Jenny would think). It was an honest mistake. 

I was quiet for about ten seconds and Mike asks, “What are you thinking?”

Very slowly and deliberately I say, “I am thinking. . . ”  insert dramatic pause, “all is forgiven.”  And I hug him!

N.B. What about Lunch?
What is N.B.?  It’s like a P.S., and stands for Nota Bene.  It sounds so much fancier and pretentious than P.S., and of course, you know DDJennifer is all about being hoity-toity.  Yeah, right!  lol.  I digress.

So do I get to go to lunch?  Well, Mike does end up asking me if I want to go.  In 100% submission mindset I say, “Sir, if it helps you with closure on my disobedience from last year, I do not want to go.  Otherwise, yes, I would like to attend.”

With that, I am prepared to face a lot of questions at lunch later this week! (Weather permitting, we are in a bit of a deep freeze in South Texas). 

Next:  212.  Another Weigh I am Submissive

75. Public Display of Submission

If the title got your attention, just know I am referring to something far tamer than say a bare bottom spanking in the middle of the store, or walking down the street in my underwear and in irons – although both of those scenarios sound delightful!  Nope, this is way more simple and innocent, but still gets some great reactions from people.

I’ve mentioned several times before,and again in this recent post, that I have to ask Mike for permission when purchasing anything other than everyday essentials like food and toiletries.  Sometimes I would call him but typically I would text.  Well, Mike had this idea that I should have to call and speak with him and not just text.   His reason was simple.  He said it basically “gets him off” to have me ask for permission and the thought of doing so where others may hear me just makes it that more intense.  Fact is, I enjoy it too.  I like to put my submission on display and this an easy way to do that.

About a week ago we implemented this new rule in that I have to call him for permission.  If he doesn’t pick up I have to leave a message asking for permission and then follow with a text and await a response.  I’ve had to do this several times now – in fact, I think it makes me look for stuff to buy.  That is counter to why the rule exists – but, I’ve found I really enjoy the feeling I get.  It’s like not only am I displaying my devotion publicly, but it has this tinge of the taboo, this mix of mischief, with a smidgen of shock thrown in.   I love the looks I get, and I don’t try to ignore them.  Quite the opposite.  I love to playfully engage people.  It goes something like this,

As I tried on some tennis shoes with the help of a salesman and found the one’s I liked, I announce, “Okay, let me call my husband and get his okay.”   With the salesman standing there and making sure I speak loud enough so anyone nearby can hear. . .

Me to Mike:  “Hi Sir, I’d like permission to buy some new sneakers as my old ones are really worn.

Me to the clerk:  “How much are those again?”

Me to Mike:  “$89, Sir.   What’s that?  Oh, I’ll find out”

Me to the clerk:  “What is that with tax?”  Mike likes to mess with me, but really, we both enjoy messing with the clerk.

Me to Mike:  “It’s about $97.14 with tax Sir.   Yes, Sir, sorry Sir, it was $89.99 before tax, not just $89.  Yes Sir, I’ll remember to be more precise next time.  Thank you, Sir, I love you Sir.”

Me to Clerk:  “Sorry, he said no.   (Pause).   Just kidding, he said yes.  I’ve been extra good to him lately because I’ve been needing new shoes for a while now.  Aren’t you happy he said yes?”

Clerk in disbelief:  Uh… yeah.

The more people who are around the more I love playing this up.  I commented once to a woman who was in ear shot of my conversation with Mike and looked her straight in the eye and with an exaggerated bubbly giggle-like voice said, “I am such a lucky girl to have a husband who sometimes let’s me buy things for myself.”

I am getting bolder in what I say.  My bold-meter is not quite there yet but I am waiting for the right time to say to someone, “I am so glad he said yes, because frankly, I was thinking of buying it anyway and just accepting my spanking.”

It’s starting to be a game with Mike and I.  He is making me ask more and more mundane things of the clerk before he gives permission.  I am waiting for the time he has me really put the clerk through the wringer only to come back and say no, I can’t buy whatever it is.  I am already practicing my pouty face and trying to force some tears and say something like, “My husband said no.  What I am going to do?”

It’s an added thrill to mess with people and think about what they later will tell their spouses or friends about this customer they got today.   That’s just a bonus on top of the great feeling I get when I publicly display my submission like that.  Messing with people is fun.

NEXT: 76.  Meet the Babysitter