Mike has been rationing my internet time (re Post 217). In addition, my new volunteer work is impacting my “me” time more than I expected. Thus, the combination of the two has decreased the pace of my posts following a frenetic posting streak (at least for me) in January.
It seems childish that my husband would have to limit my internet time. Well, I agree, it is . . . in-so-far as we assume that, as adults, we always make decisions that are in our best interests. Well guess what, we don’t! And I am fortunate to have a dynamic in my relationship that holds me accountable to my husband and subject to consequences for failures in my agreed upon duties and obligations.
I was being consumed with social media and it actually created an anxiety that I didn’t see at the time. I had to get online… I had to check what was going on here, going on there, what so-and-so was saying, what I could add to this conversation or that conversation, let alone, my own emails and posts.
You would think this anxiety would cause me to want to unplug for a while, but it was just the opposite. I wanted more. I don’t want to call it an addiction, but it did share some of those traits. In the moment I felt relieved, excited, fulfilled… and once I stopped, I felt anxious, like I was missing out, and just had to get back online.
WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
It may surprise you that I’ve thought a lot about what could have been at the root of my social media fixation in January — ha, that was a joke, as any regular reader knows “Self-reflection” is my middle name. To some extent that fixation is always there — it is how many of us engage the world. But in January it reached a tipping point for me and went from “engaging” to “counter productive.”
I think part of it was that I was adjusting to the new requirements in our latest contract. (I wrote about some of them in Post 168, Post 169, and Post 173). Even though the new contract started mid-October, the holidays interrupted a lot of our DD routine such that much of it couldn’t be fully practiced and refined until January.
Part of it was also the string of disciplinary actions I got myself into from around December through January had me feeling a little defeated – like I was failing at my submission. Missing the Super Bowl party really stung. In hindsight, it was a great motivator in adjusting my behavior. It really put things in the right perspective for me.
REVEALING D/s AND KAYLA
Lastly, I can now see that I had anxiety over the prospects of our being more public with our dynamic – both the D/s and relationship with Kayla. I welcomed this, and have been very happy with all that has transpired thus far because of it. But, prior to actually doing it, I was feeling some anxiety about the unknown. Fear of rejection? Fear of being thought of in a negative way? I know I had those fears. And even if I thought I had them under control, fear can be insidious and manifest itself in ways you don’t realize. I can totally see how my need to engage people (be accepted) was heightened because of those underlying fears I had.
The volunteer work has helped because I think part of it was that I was needing more real life connections. I have my “lunch bunch” friends but we don’t get together as often as I’d like. Oh – and I never mentioned this, but, Donna, who is my best friend, has been working more hours (she normally works part-time) thus my commiserating with her has been limited. And Kayla has school, so is gone chunks of the day, and until recently, had her boyfriend to spend time with. So yeah, I needed more IRL connections!
And while the volunteering has helped, the biggest “cure” was in Mike restricting my online time. It made me hone in on what and who was truly important to me regarding which social media I would engage and how much I would engage it.
I’ve given priority to blogging and communicating (via email, text, etc) with specific people I enjoy communicating with. Even with that priority, my time is more limited so I don’t get to do it quite as much as I would like, but, I no longer feel any anxiety over it. Because Mike commands it, it is as if I allow myself an acceptable excuse for not always “keeping up” as much as I would like. Yep – that’s the mind of a submissive!
ONWARD AND UPWARD!
So yeah, it may sound childish to some of you that my husband has to discipline me, but hey, it works! I no longer feel the anxiety I was having in January. I am energetically and effectively performing my duties and obligations (And thankful for our Maintenance Sessions as the need for discipline has been few and far between over the last 6-8 weeks or so).
I know the pre-DD Jenny would be gagging over the thought of her husband restricting her internet time. But today’s Jenny is more happy, more fulfilled, more optimistic, more joyful, and is a better person, wife, mother, and friend – so that pre-DD Jenny can just suck it!! Oh wait, that sounds like something the today Jenny is more apt to do. lol!!
Speaking of sucking, NaughtyNora commented in my last post, asking me about Matt. There’s some fodder for my next post! Ha. How’s that for a segue?