Boring alert. No spanking or submission stories here. Just a self-indulgent post all about me! If you want to know more about my personal life and what makes me me, read on. If you don’t, that makes me sad – so indulge me. Read on anyway!
MORE ABOUT ME (THAT I KNEW)
I tidied up my blog a bit. I also am now sharing a lot more personal details. Up to now I’ve peppered a few personal details here and there, even “adjusted” a few facts around anniversaries and ages for privacy reasons. Well, I have removed those “adjustments.”
Mike is especially conservative when it comes to what I share online. Our names are real, as is Kayla’s, but other names have been changed or abbreviated. As Mike puts it, I need to leave some room for “plausible deniability” if someone we know happens across my blog and we don’t want to own up to it.
I asked Mike if this post is acceptable to him and he agreed that it was. We are so much more comfortable with our lifestyle and it is extremely unlikely someone we know will read the blog and connect it to us. Not that we want to shout it from the rooftops, but if someone who knows us stumbles onto my blog, well, so be it.
My desire to share came with a recent breakthrough I made about myself. It may seem minor to some, but it is a big deal for me.
MORE ABOUT ME (THAN I EVEN KNEW)
I shared a little about my upbringing in Post 2. The Backstory. But I recently made a major revelation that has helped my submissive state of mind.
My mom was always one to promote sharing of ones feelings. She never made me or my sisters feel ashamed, afraid, ridiculous, or wrong for anything we ever expressed. You would think the result would be that I became very open and quick to express every thought I had. Well, it wasn’t that easy and I only recently realize why.
I vividly remember when I was little that I would observe my siblings share whatever feeling they were having about whatever topic. I recall I would always “evaluate” what they were saying. I didn’t call it that at the time, and wasn’t consciously choosing to do that. I just did it. Even though my mom never “judged” them on their feelings or desires, I secretly was doing so.
As early as around the first grade I can remember listening to my siblings and then thinking to myself, “Humm, I don’t think that makes much sense,” or, “Come on, they really didn’t think that through very well,” or even, “What a waste of time. That will never happen so just move on.” For some reason, while I wasn’t afraid of sharing my thoughts, I had convinced myself that when I did, I wanted it to be compelling and awe-inspiring. I think it was the competitor in me that somehow thought I needed to “beat” my sisters at the thinking game. This idea stayed with me, all the way up until I was 45.
I think that is why I always spend so much time analyzing my feelings. I have gotten better where such analysis is “post-expression.” Meaning it comes after I expressed the feeling. But there was a time such analysis was “pre-expression.” So I would never express the feeling. I would let it percolate and cogitate, making sure it was the “best” feeling, before expressing it. Almost as if a feeling was an argument. I didn’t want to express it until I knew I could win the argument (with myself). Does that make sense?
If my family were a club, it would be the “be yourself, express yourself, be silly if you feel like being silly, be whatever if you feel like being whatever – club.” Despite that, somehow it caused me to be the opposite, even though I thought I was still part of the club the whole time. I was often called the “logical” one, but I was proud of that term. I guess because making me feel bad for being “logical” would be against the family creed, so I was never made to feel that it was bad.
What I now fully realize is that I was never good at truly expressing myself, at least not in the moment. And it is “in the moment” that we truly feel. Thinking comes later. To really see ourselves at our reflexes, you have to be willing to express the feeling in the moment, raw and unfiltered by “logic.” In doing so, you can truly learn what makes you tick, and if you aren’t satisfied with your emotional reflexes, work to change them. By doing this, you are changing your core…changing your perceptions and reaction. You can only make such changes by being able to examine the true and honest feelings you have. Those feelings only come from “the moment.” Not from hours or days (or sometimes weeks or months) of percolating in the mind.
By the time I expressed a feeling, it may have sounded good, but may not have really reflected how I felt at the time. It reflected how I WISH I FELT at the time. Thus I never got to address the bad feelings in an honest way. Thus those feelings festered, and manifested themselves into the need to control my environment, or passive aggressive habits where I felt resentment that others should have assumed to know what I wanted even though I didn’t express how I felt.
I even look back at my interest in counseling and feel it was less about helping people and more about learning ways to have a more sound “argument” with myself over what I was feeling before I dare express those feelings.
What I now see is a very clear pattern that precedes each time I ever doubt Mike. It all starts with me not expressing something I am feeling. Not because I am ashamed or afraid to express it, but because I feel I haven’t fully thought through every angle. In my mind I hadn’t “earned” the right to express it. Thus, frustration, anxiety, resentment, or a potpourri of various negative emotions build. This ball of anxiety needs something to project itself on, and the easiest thing to project it on is the behavior of those around me.
In the case of Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year, there were some things nagging at me related to the holidays. I won’t bore you with the details (you’re like, why not Jenny, you bored us with plenty so far), but simply put there were some things I had envisioned for the holidays that didn’t come to fruition. The “old” Jenny felt like Mike should have known what I envisioned and made it happen, even though I never shared that vision with him.
I’ve done very well to keep this “old” Jenny from reappearing, but clearly haven’t fully exorcised her from my reflexes. “Progress, not perfection,” as Mike always reminds me.