Category Archives: 8. Random

Various commentary and stories not necessarily directly related to my DD lifestyle.

286. We are not okay, but we will be

286

We interrupt this blog with an important message. 

Religion or politics?  Pick your poison.    

Well, I am going to pick politics.  But before you click away screaming, I hope you stay with me on this one.   

Although my conclusions are things you have heard before (which means you’ll either love them or hate them), remember – this is Jenny.   It isn’t just about the destination and stating my personal conclusions.  It’s about how I reconciled the thoughts in my head that influence the ultimate actions and viewpoints I have. 

In other words, that means one of two things, or a combination of both.  An esoteric ramble or a rant.   Let’s call this one an esoteric rant!  

Even if you hate the destination, maybe you’ll find the journey interesting.   Probably not, but, oh well.  It was important to me to make it abundantly clear where I stand politically.  When the crap ultimately hits the fan, I don’t want there to be any doubt as to where I stood.

For readers outside the U.S., I hope you find my take on this interesting and clarifying.  For those in the U.S., well, damn it, just vote!

WHAT DO I STAND FOR?
I stand for democratic principles – principals that have been the hallmark of what it means to be an American since the founding of our nation.   Yes, there were times and are times when our actions stand in contrast with those principles.  But the ideals of democracy have been so valued and sacred to Americans that they always push us towards fully embracing those principles for everyone.

And when those ideals push us, it is always uncomfortable for those being pushed, but short of our Civil War, no group of Americans betrayed their country and pushed back in civil war.  Of course, in that war, it was our government pushing democratic principles on the South.  What if it were the other way around?  What if it was the people pushing democratic principles and the government pushing back?   And wouldn’t it be ironic if the government that was pushing back was in power because of the South?   Wow, that would be some interesting fiction. 

Oh well, that would never happen in a democracy.  In a democracy the government is representative of the people.  Hold that thought.    

PARTY AFFILIATION?
I was a Republican for quite some time.  The GOP I was first exposed to was billed as the party with the ideals of Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt.  I was taught to think that was still the case.  Once I took the time to question things and seek my own answers, something clicked in me.  Those ideals were not the ideals of Reagan, Bush I or II, and certainly are not the ideals of the right-wing extremist party of Trump.  Those ideals still existed, but they now existed somewhere else.  Consider that I am for these ideals: 
 

  • The spirit of our people is the strength of our nation.
  • America does not prosper unless all Americans prosper.
  • Government must have a heart as well as a head.
  • Courage in principle, cooperation in practice, make freedom possible.

These are the ideals in the platform of the Democratic Party… oops, did I say Democratic Party?  I meant, the Republican Party.   However, it is from the GOP circa 1956.   Yes, the GOP once was the progressive party.  The Democrats of that time were controlled by the “Dixiecrats,” the Southern Democrats who basically molded their behavior around that of a modern-day plantation owner.  Scum every one of them. 

What changed?  

CHANGE 1 – PARTIES FLIP (late 60’s/early 70’s)
Kennedy was a new type of Democrat – progressive on social issues.  Nixon was a new type of Republican – one who is willing to suspend the mechanisms of democracy in order to win for himself.  And his aide, Pat Buchanan, saw an opportunity to bust the Democrats strong hold in the South.

They saw the South as easy prey.  Southerners had a long history of voting against their self-interest if it meant they got to hold on to their racism.   The new GOP would see to it that they catered to that racism and continued the racist policies of the Dixiecrats.  

They also made a bet.  They needed the religious vote, especially among Catholics who at the time voted overwhelming for Democrats.  How could they get these people to switch their votes and abandon their self interests?  Abortion!  They would see to it that anti-abortion became a lynch pin in their platform.  What?  You thought they did this on moral grounds?  No, it was strictly a political play.

Still needing another issue, the polls told them that gun ownership could be as emotionally charged as abortion.  So GOP went all in on scaring Americans that Democrats would take their guns and they’ve kept up that scare ever since. 

Those bets paid off.  By the start of the 1980’s, the South had stopped electing racist, corrupt, Dixiecrats, and started electing racist, corrupt, Republicans.   Thus the great southern tradition of voting against ones self interests continued.  As long as Bubba got to keep his racism, keep is guns, and push an anti-abortion view, they would give up on education, infrastructure, healthcare, etc.  The South remains at the bottom of practically every metric that measures wealth and prosperity and at the top of practically every metric that measures government hand outs.   

Yep, them Southerners are basically economic socialists sucking off the government teat and they don’t even know it.  Hey, but at least Georgia still makes it hard for African-Americans and Latino’s to vote, Mississippi has prisons overflowing with African Americans who are used as a (slave) labor pool to do work for pennies an hour, and Kentucky joins six other Southern states as being down to their last clinic that can perform safe abortions.  Yee-haw!! 

There was a problem.  While the GOP continued what Nixon started, there were still plenty of GOP leaders, mostly outside the South, that provided some balance to the party.  Over time, these GOP leaders became to be ridiculed as “moderates.”  

CHANGE 2 – PURGE THE GOP MODERATES (2008)
In 2008 the tea-baggers happened (Tea Party movement).  They ousted the moderates in the GOP.

Lyin’ Ted Cruz is a great example.  Although David Dewhurst wasn’t much of “moderate,” he was too much of one for the extremist right.   The extremists tapped Cruz and heavily funded him for a seat in the Texas legislature.  He first had to run hard against well respected and fellow Republican, David Dewhurst.  Cruz did so by calling out Dewhurst  as “a moderate.”   

That label was used over and over by these new extremists to unseat moderate after moderate, in elections throughout the country.  Cruz beat Dewhurst, then beat the Democrat candidate and joined the Texas legislature.  Cruz was then tapped by the extremists tea-baggers who funded him to now run for a Senate seat.  He went about winning it much the same way – calling any potential GOP opponent a “moderate.”   

CHANGE 3 – VOTER SUPPRESSION
I don’t need to state much as there is so much already out there on this.  Gerrymandering, voter suppression, and now, outright hacking, has become an important tool for the GOP to maintain power.  None of these efforts would be championed by the GOP if the electorate were likely to vote GOP. 

CHANGE 4 – RISE OF MAGA/FACISM (2016)
Trump leveraged his celebrity to take his message beyond the South, to mostly blue-collar workers everywhere.  They were most at risk for being misled and Trump exploited that.

Truth has no home with him.  Every speech is full of lies, reinforced by his mouthpieces, reported as fact by Fox, and magnified by his Russian troll-bot allies.  Want to track his lies as he tells them?  Follow @ddale8 on twitter.   

Trump knows that people will believe a big lie sooner than a little one, and repeat it enough and people will believe it.  Trump knows you never allow the public to cool off; never admit fault or wrong; never concede any good in your enemy, never accept blame.

Did you know those prior two sentences are directly from a psychological profile prepared by the United States Office of Strategic Services?  They were, but it wasn’t a profile on Trump.  It was a profile on Hitler.  

In two years the GOP went from bad to worse.  Imagine where it will be in just one more year if left unchecked?   Today it is completely corrupt, indecent, and immoral.  Anyone affiliated or supporting the party is complicit and will carry this shame through history.   They have disgraced this country and are a danger to our democracy and values.  And those aren’t just my words.  That was taken from Steve Schmidt, a former GOP strategist and echos many of the sentiments of those who once called themselves members of the Republican Party. 

I am for humanity, decency, diversity, equality, compassion, justice, (the true “law and order”).   My anti-GOP feelings are the by-product of the fact our president and the GOP are the opposite all of those things.  

CHANGE 5 – TBD
Consider your options if –  

  • If someone doesn’t value evidence, what evidence are you going to provide them to prove they should value it? 
  • If someone doesn’t value logic,what logical argument would you provide to show the importance of logic?   
  • If someone doesn’t value compassion, what appeal to compassion would you make to resonate with their capacity for compassion? 
  • If someone doesn’t value justice, what rule of law would you cite to show the need for justice?
  • If someone doesn’t value the principles of an American democracy, what patriotic feeling can you evoke in them when their sense of patriotism is numb to the violation of those principles?       

I can point to specific events where the GOP hasn’t valued evidence, logic, compassion, justice, and American democracy, where their base has applauded each and every event.  I’ll let you fill in those events for yourself because frankly, there are too many to cite.

I believe we are at the point that you can no longer appeal to facts, logic, compassion, justice, or principles of democracy when dealing with MAGAts and Facists. 

As the fascists have accelerated the pace to control the courts, the justice system, and the voting booth, consider this

Once the mechanisms of democracy are so undermined that the views of the majority no longer have a voice, what is left for that majority to do in order to be heard?   

Minority rulers who are driven to stay in power at all costs must suppress freedom in order to maintain control.  Minority rulers, whether a person or a party, don’t stay in power in a true democracy.   History is not kind to countries that have had minority rule.   

So what’s next?  I don’t know.   Hopefully it is decided at the ballot box where true democracies decide such things.  

One side bet I have — countries like Venezuela better watch out.  Trump needs a war and he doesn’t do things unless the fix is in.  North Korea and Iran are too messy.  Aha!  Pick a fight with a much smaller military, and something closer to home to really increase the “fear factor.”  If I were a bookie, I’d be giving the odds on favorite as being Venezuela.  And the best time to stoke the flames of war, oh, about mid-2020 should do it.  Sooner if  an impeachment conviction is looking likely.

Whether you like the candidate or not, whether you consider yourself a Republican or not, this is the year I hope people vote straight ticket Democrat.   Anything else is a slap in the face of all who have fought and died to uphold American principles of democracy.   But frankly, I just want people to vote – assuming they haven’t been blocked from doing so and that systems aren’t hacked.

If our elected officials better reflect the values of the majority of Americans, then the right people will be elected, whatever those values may be.  That’s how a democracy works.  That’s how it will work here.

My concern isn’t that it won’t work out.  It will.  My concern is how many MORE people are going to have to be oppressed at best, killed at worst, before we work it all out.  The voting booth can keep that number to a minimum.

This ends my political rant.

Back to your regularly scheduled kink.

 

284. The family commune – Give nudism a chance

284

I’ve got some “DD” things to share, but had this post half written so thought I’d finish it up before going on to kinkier things!    By the way, our party (283. We are three), is tonight.  All the preparations are done and it looks like the weather is going to cooperate.

I was having another one of those in-depth conversation with one of my sisters regarding my choices in life.   Yes, it had many of the same questions and issues she raised previously (Post 200. Balloons and Submission for one).     But this time, most of her concerns centered around nudity.   Her concerns were prompted by the fact that T&E’s home (my son and soon-to-be daughter-in-law) has jokingly become the “family commune.”

That is, it’s a place people in the family go to get away and relax.  I shared previously that the they bought a house on about 50 acres, and plan to have a small farm — beehives, some pigs, and chickens.  Both of them work full time jobs, so the farm is more a hobby and will be fairly small in scale.  Oh, and by the way, their wedding is in two weeks.

I also shared that E grew up in a naturist family — both her parents grew up that way and their relatives on both side are immersed in the naturist lifestyle with few exceptions.   T has adopted this, and subsequently so have we.   You can read all about this in several posts I’ve made —   227. Naturism Rant, 233. Meet the Nudies, 242. On the Nudie Farm, 250. The Nude Normal252.  Naked Caravan,   255. Vacation Naked264. Won’t you be my (nude) neighbor?

Wow, has this turned into a nudist blog?  Ha!

Anyway — as shared in 252. Naked Carvan, many of my nieces and nephews made the trek to T&E’s house in part to chip in and help out with renovations and clearing some of the land, and in part to just have fun and hang out.   Most of them are young adults ranging from early 20’s to early 30’s.  One niece, my sister’s daughter, is 17.   And yes, when in Rome, you do as the Romans do…or in this case, when at T&E’s, you do as the nudist’s do.  They all got naked. 

Since that initial visit, it’s a rare weekend that T&E don’t have some guests — one of T’s cousin’s spending a day or two.  Sometimes they even bring a friend.  And far from feeling intruded upon, T&E both love this as they like the idea of their house being a gathering place.   And despite some reservations, there are times my sister has allowed her 17-year old to visit and spend a day or even night on the farm – and she has also brought a friend with her (female friend). 

Well, unbeknownst to my sister, on one of her daughter’s day trips to the farm she went with her boyfriend.  My niece eventually told her mom (my sis) after the fact, and it didn’t sit well with her.   My sister knows her daughter is having sex, so it isn’t that fact that disturbs her.  It is just the idea of “flaunting their bodies” in front of each other and the “obviously sexually charged atmosphere” of it all.

MY NUDISM RANT
My sisters are pretty good at pushing my buttons and sending me on a rant (120. Is this submissive a feminist? MAGA rant).  And so I proceeded along the lines of what I posted in Post 227. Naturism Rant

In her mind, the get-a-ways to the farm are nothing more than a sex filled day of debauchery.   I tried to explain that nudism and sex are distinct, and in fact, nudism serves to de-sexualize nudity, not hyper-sexualize it.

I told my sister her reaction is based on preconceived notions about nudity that conjure up feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt, and sex.  Heck, even the bible tells us about the moment humans first “realized” they were naked, quickly followed by the moment they were first ashamed of being naked. 

In her mind, showing off a naked body sends out sexual signals that threaten the security of relationships and mankind.   And what better way to suppress nudity than to use shame, as shame is the ideal emotion to enforce any code of conduct.  Shame sucks – and we tend to want to avoid feeling it at all costs.

Well, whether it is shame of nakedness or shame over our kinks or shame over anything else —  we are not born with shame.  Instead, we learn it.   And the shame we learn is artificial — there should be no shame in it.  It only exists because we agree it exists and we agree it exists as a way of controlling conduct.  (And you can easily substitute the word “sin” for “shame,” but I won’t go there).

At one time I was right there with sis  – I felt the shame in it as well.  Hell, I know that is exactly why we made nudity part of my duties in my DD.  It was a way to feel some degree of shame or humbleness.   Well, since adopting nudism, I do not get any “kink” or “submissive” satisfaction from being naked.  That “shame” feeling has been purged.

And nothing changed, except my perception – which is what makes “shame” such a false feeling when it comes to nudity.  There is nothing shameful about it.   Only your perception makes it so.    And to justify that feeling, we then attach all sorts of terrible things to nakedness — it must be sexual, it must be prurient, it must weaken the fibers of society, it must be a contributor to all that is bad, etc, etc.   Well that’s just crap, and I told her so. 

Not to be so naive, I did concede that sure, her daughter might have had sex when she went to T&E’s with her boyfriend, no more than they might do so anytime they have the chance.  I mean, they are teenagers!    But if they did, it wasn’t because of the nudity.  

Ultimately, I urged my sister to spend a day at T&E’s, nude herself.   And not just holed up in their house, but go about the property, visit with E’s cousin’s (who live next door – 233. Meet the Nudies,  Even go there with her daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend!

I said that knowing that while she might give it a try herself, there was no way she would do so with her daughter’s boyfriend along.  But my sister surprised me.  “Okay, if V (her husband) is up for it, we’ll make a go at it, including inviting her boyfriend.”   My jaw dropped.  I thought she was kidding.  But not only wasn’t she kidding, but she actually followed through.  

To make a long story short — they spent a weekend at T&E’s – two days/one night.   

SIS GETS NAKED
My sister came back with mixed reviews, but with some changes in her attitude about nudism.  She agreed she was starting to feel more comfortable and less self-conscious towards the end, but still wasn’t fully comfortable.  However, she really focused on everyone else and could see just how “normal” everyone else treated the nudity around them.  She could see that there weren’t “sexual sparks flying around.”  She even admitted there was an element of fun for her and her husband.   

And she admitted her self-consciousness started to morph towards self-affirmation regarding her body image.  She is a little overweight, and is 57, so was admittedly uneasy.   And while she never got 100% comfortable, the comfort she saw in others made her want to try this again and get to their level of comfort.

I am so proud of her for being willing to “risk it” and give this go.   She also had wonderful things to say about T&E and had many of the same wonderful observations that I already shared about E’s cousin’s (The Nudies).

A few days after my sisters return from T&E’s, she said she looks forward to visiting them again some time soon, and, told me that perhaps they would join us if we decided to do a nude vacation again. 

Wow.  I am so surprised, but elated.   It reconfirmed my experience that nudism is addicting, and after a surprisingly very little adjustment period, feels so natural and so uplifting.   You become a walking self-affirmation and have this tremendous sense of freedom, a sense of being one with the people and nature around you.   I believe this is why Mike took to it, much to my surprise, and why my sister seems to taking to it, even more to my surprise!

I definitely recommend everyone give nudism a try. 

NEXT: 285. Curfew and Spanking the Jelly?

283. We are three — and a wedding!?!

Tat

Woo-hoo!  A two-fer post.  That’s two in one day!

We are having a party next week that is in essence, a “relationship bonding” party.   We are inviting family and friends and using it as an opportunity to celebrate our relationship with Kayla.   Everyone invited is already aware – or at least should be – that “we” are “three.”  If they are unclear, they won’t be after this party.

We wanted to do something outwardly and publicly to proclaim our love for Kayla, and this seemed like the right way to do that.   Mike has a surprise for her but I don’t want to spoil it in case she reads this.  Oh – and the three of us are getting tattoos.

TATS
That’s a sketch of them in the image above.  This was what we gave the tattoo artist and they sketched it out and it looks way more cool than this sketch.  Basically it is combining our initials.

  • MJ
    Kayla’s tattoo of the initials for Mike and Jen.   
  • MK
    My tattoo of the initials for Mike and Kayla
  • JK
    Mike’s tattoo of the initials for Jen and Kayla

We talked about one image that combined all three initials, but decided to go with just two initials.  We may later go back and get a second tattoo that is all three of us, but we thought we’d wait on that. 

They are going to be about an inch-and-half long and about as wide.  Kayla and I are getting them on our ankle.  Mike is getting it on his bicep.  

WEDDING BELLS
Ha – not for the three of us.  Is that what you thought?  Well that ain’t legal!

I think I mentioned in one of my posts somewhere.  T and E are getting married at the end of the month.  I mention that because, well, not everything in my life revolves around kink and alternative relationships.    I mentioned before they got a house and have been working hard on renovating it.  Their “little farm” is taking shape and they plan to get chickens, pigs, and some peacocks and other critters once they return from their honeymoon.

Although they are several hours away, their place has turned into a family destination, not just for us (we go there about ever other weekend), but for a lot of T’s cousin’s.  And yes, almost all of them partake in the nudism.  T & E have made clothes-free converts of several of my nieces and nephews, much to the chagrin of my sisters!   hee-hee.  

Then, after the wedding festivities it will soon be surgery time!   Ug!  So not looking forward to that, but at least my mind is on a lot of fun stuff until then! 

Next: 284. The family commune – Give nudism a chance

 

270. I am not dead yet!

270

Ha.  My title made me think of Monty Python.  Check into it if you don’t get that reference.    Okay – so, wow!  Almost a month between posts.  My longest ever. 

Sure, summer tends to be busy, but I don’t have any one excuse, so I’ll give you many!  And it wasn’t just my blogging that took a break – I stayed off social media and email for most of that time as well.  

My brother and his wife and their two kids (adults) were in town for a visit.  That was fun, and exhausting.   Then there was that little thing of our 2018 Immersion That was also fun and exhausting in a different way!  lol.   Once I hadn’t posted in while, I realized I was enjoying the break.  It felt nice to just not think about things and give my brain and emotions a break from self-reflecting (blog), self-immolation (Twitter), and self-distraction (everything else online).  Yeah, let’s be honest, Twitter is about killing oneself over trying to address the endless unpatriotic thinking, hate, corruption, evil, and ignorance that seems to be en vogue in a lot of the U.S. right now.  Maybe November can bring in the leadership that can bring about change (jail).  I digress, but Twitter can suck the life out of you. 

I just wanted to say, “I am alive!”   But, actually, haven’t been 100%, which put a damper on some of the Immersion activities.  I’ve been having some on-again off-again issues with my “lady parts” and my doctor recommended a hysterectomy four or five years ago.  Damn fibroids!  

I tried all sorts of natural treatments with some success.  Ultimately those efforts may have bought me some time, but haven’t changed the inevitable.  Pain, pressure, incontinence, constipation, backaches, body aches, you name the symptom, I have dealt with them for years.  And worst of all, it makes sex uncomfortable, sometimes even painful.  Maybe that explains my increased delight over the last few years in butt stuff and oral… hee hee.  Anyway — the symptoms have ebbed and flowed over the years, with some respite in between.  Lately,  it’s all flowing and no ebbing and has been without respite for many months.  I am ready.  I’ll have surgery next month.  

On that happy note, I’ll next share what happened in Immersion 2018. 

Stay tuned!

Post 271.  Unfair exploitative whoring?

255. Vacation Naked

255

OMG! What a fantastic vacation!

THE NUDIST RESORT
We were gone June 8 – June 14.  The “we” included the four of us (me, Mike, Kayla, and J), as well as T1 and his fiance’ E, and T2 and his girlfriend, that we will call G.   It was amazing because it has been a long time since all us vacationed together – and we got to meet more of E’s family, including her parents – and of course, most of all, because we did it all at a nudist resort. 

I could dedicate an entire post on how fantastic it was.  I think it is more effective to simply say – YOU NEED TO VISIT A NUDIST RESORT AT LEAST ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.  It was powerful, it was moving, it was liberating, it was bonding, it was simply incredible.  And yes, it is very addicting.  So much so that Mike declared us a clothing optional household!   Yes, we are officially naturists!  We were pretty much already there, (Post 250. The Nude Normal), but now we are 100% there.  

One of the major factors in this is J.  We can’t explain it, but his anxiety levels are extremely low when he and everyone is naked.  I know he has always had a hyperactive tactile response issues regarding texture of clothing or even food, but it never dawned on me those responses impact his moment-to-moment anxiety.   It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say he is a different person when nude.  Whatever the reason, I’ll take it!

It was also fantastic to just be ourselves – not in a naked way, but in a relationship way.  We didn’t hide our relationship with Kayla from anyone.  While I know a few people found it off-putting, overall everyone was accepting.  I even had one of Kayla’s siblings tell me in confidence that they were part of a “secret” poly relationship.  They felt emboldened by how open we were and were feeling more confident about soon “coming out” about it.  

SUBMISSIVE TIME OUT
Mike told Kayla and I that he wanted us to take “time off” from being so focused on his needs.  He did not want us catering to his needs or even cleaning up anything.  He took care of keeping our unit clean and tidy.  He even took charge of making sure J was taken care of and having a good time.  Kayla and I were able to 100% relax. 

Both Kayla and I agreed that being submissive to Mike is not just something we “do.”  It is who we “are.”  So there were times we both yearned for submission, but I admit it was nice to fully relax and not focus on taking care of every need and whim Mike had.   It was nice of Mike to give us that.  He actually enjoyed catering to our needs for a few days.

THE KIDDOS
T1 and E had a great time as would be expected.  I was happy that T2 decided to come as he tends to be more shy and reserved – and especially surprising that he brought his girlfriend, G.  She had once been topless at a nude beach, but had never been to resort.  They both seemed to enjoy it and T2 was a lot more engaging than I anticipated.

As for J, he had a blast.  He got a lot of attention from E’s younger family members.  J is this “older kid” who acts like he is so much younger, which gave him a certain “standing” amount the younger kids.  J isn’t use to that since at school he is surrounded by kids his own age who tend to have vastly different interests than J does.  And of course, J got to spend a lot of time with his girlfriend!   We’ve made plans to have L come stay with us a few days so J can show her around our town.

I was amazed by attitudes of everyone we met, but especially the kids.  I’ll spare you from another naturism rant, so suffice to say, society would be better off if social nudism was more accepted.

I will probably inject a vacation story or two here and there in subsequent posts, but I’ve been wanting to share an update on Matt, so, enough about nudism for now.  I’ll share a post about the latest with Matt… next time.    

Next: 256. More Matt

254. Dating: Teens/pre-teen? Nudism? Disability? ???

254

We made it to the resort! But more on that later.  Not sure of my blogging time this weekend as we have lots of socializing and activities going on, but had a few minutes and wanted to finish up this post that I almost had completed a few days ago.  

While this post is void of kink, I guess it still qualifies as avant garde.  The thought of a pre-teen/teen dating  can make even the calmest of parents nervous. It poses a greater dilemma when you add nudism, a disability, and then throw in a six year age difference!  Yikes! 

My last posted ended with the mention that my youngest, J, is “in love” with E’s cousin’s youngest daughter… I’ll call her “L.”  She is 11.   J is 17, and I have written many times about his disabilities.  J is a “very young” 17, and L is a more advanced 11, but still, age is age.  That’s a huge difference.  But before I dive into that, here’s the backstory.   

IN THE BEGINNING
Their connection was almost immediate.  When
they first met L was very engaging and warm towards J.  That’s just her personality, but over time it became clear to us that L really enjoyed being around J.  She is a natural “nurturer” and I think J’s special needs touched her.  And J’s humor meshes with hers, and they enjoy playing board games and other games together.  Just good friends enjoying each other’s company – a lot.   

J was starting to always ask when he could visit L (not “When can I visit T1,” but specifically, “When can I visit L?”  And apparently L was saying similar things at home.  There is nothing wrong with two kids of opposite genders liking each other’s company and none of us thought it was anything more than just that.    

THE KISS
L’s mom and I were sitting outside talking.  L and J were walking towards us, holding hands.  It isn’t uncommon for J to hold hands with someone.  It helps him with his balance, especially when the terrain is uneven – and there is plenty of that on their farm.  But, there is holding hands for physical support, and then there is holding hands for an emotional connection.  It was clear this was more the latter.  

L’s mom was the first to comment.  “So L, I see the two of you are holding hands a lot, what do you feel about that?”  L wasn’t the least bit shy, embarrassed, or apologetic.  “Yeah, we like holding hands.  I like being around him.  He’s my boyfriend now.”

And if that declaration wasn’t enough to get our attention, she then added, “I even gave him a kiss on the lips.”  She said it with a proud sense of accomplishment, completely unashamed or the least bit concerned.

THE TALK
L’s mom, “C”,  was the first to speak.  “Okay, that’s nice.  I am glad you are enjoying each other’s company.  Can you both take a seat and let us talk about you and your boyfriend?”  To which L stated, “Sure.” 
I’ll spare the sentence-by-sentence dialogue – but the conclusion was clear.  They like each other, and it is very innocent.  The “peck on the lips” was the most salacious part of it.      

I let C do most of the questioning as I wanted to follow her lead and support her wishes.  Her 11-year-old “baby girl” just proclaimed to having kissed a boy.  That’s a lot for any parent to hear, even in “normal” situations. But C handled it like pro.

At some point C said, “So, if you are going to kiss you need to know some rules.  You can hold hands, and a peck on the lips is fine but no need to have your mouths all over each other.”  This quickly elicited a “Gross, no way,” from both L and J.  “And you respect each others body – no need to touch body parts, including genitals.”   To which L responded, “Good grief, no way mom, right J?”   J concurred, “I wouldn’t do that.”

J’s only other comment was to me asking, “So you are okay with her being my girlfriend?” To which I replied, “Sure, as long as L and her parents say it is okay.”   And with that the conversation was done and they both wanted to go inside to watch a movie.

 I felt a need to provide more limitations…like, “Don’t kiss again!” or “don’t be in the house alone.”   I mean, they are naked after all!   But, I played off of C’s calmness and let it go.  I figured I could talk to her a few minutes and then go inside and check up on things.  C could see my uneasiness and said, “They will be fine.  Let’s give them a little time to get their movie going and then we need to move inside anyway, it’s getting too hot out here.” 

THE MOM’S TALK – NUDITY!?
Once the kids left I told C that I am concerned about the age difference and about J’s disability, but first and foremost, uh, you know, they are both naked!   How do nudist families deal with the fact that everything is. . . well, . . . so accessible? 

C said this is nothing new – she grew up as nudist and has a 15 and 17 year old.  She assured me that just because there is easier “access” to sex parts doesn’t mean that’s where kids want to immediately go.  In her experience, their body positivity, confidence, and openness doesn’t invite sex, it actually seems to inhibit it as far as teen sex goes.

She added that L knows how “everything works” and there isn’t much left to be curious about.  She feels L understands boundaries and, at least in C’s experience, not only do her kids feel less pressure to give in, but they feel more empowered to say no.  She repeated the mantra I’ve heard many many times since exploring nudism — “nudism is not sex.”

And she added, “and kids who grow up as nudist don’t even relate to why that statement is even necessary to say.  It’s not like seeing her breasts will make him want to get her pants off, or that she is going to be curious about seeing him naked.  They’ve see all of that all the time.  Sex in nudism isn’t about seeing body parts, it is about sex.  And it seems pretty clear neither L nor J have sex on their minds.”

C said she has had “the talk” with L, but it was less of a single talk and more of a lifelong exposure to addressing the topic whenever it was appropriate to do so.  C feels L isn’t even that interested about it and wouldn’t venture beyond the kiss at this point.  Further, C felt that L would talk about any other desires she was feeling before she acted on them. 

That sounds hard to imagine, but C said both her other kids came to her with questions.  Her middle girl (age 15, I’ll refer to her as M for middle), is a virgin, but her son (age 17, I’ll refer to him as B) is not.  C said they are all comfortable talking about such things and thus she is confident that L will be fine.  C disclosed that M even told her that she was attracted to girls and boys, so yeah, C feels her kids are very comfortable coming to her about such things.  Of course, C did say this means a further parental discussion with L and more attention to her behaviors around J, but nothing to cause a panic.     

THE PARENTS TALK – AGE DIFFERENCE?
C conceded that yes, 17 is too old for L, but, her concern is alleviated because of what she knows and sees in J and in us.  She said she doesn’t feel the need to assume the worse, and she isn’t about to try to shame L in any way.  She feels L respects the rules and understand enough about her body and feelings to ask questions before doing anything more physically and hopes that I ensure J does the same.  

C stated that from an age perspective M may seem more appropriate for J – but both of us quickly laughed at that.  M is way more emotionally mature than J and just into completely different things (more age appropriate things regarding music, pop culture, entertainment, you name it).  M provided a good point of reference as to why someone younger than 15 is more on J’s level regarding girlfriend material.   

Regardless the age difference, actual age is also another concern.  L is bit young, having turned 11 just over a month ago.  But I defer to C on that as she is not my child.  Ultimately, if  L’s parents support her in this, then so be it.  C was crystal clear she would never want to inject guilt or shame in anything they are feeling about each other.  She feels strongly it isn’t about shaming them into keeping boundaries, it is about educating them about the importance of such boundaries.   It’s sad that her approach is probably considered “progressive” as frankly, it should be the norm.       

THE PARENTS TALK – J’s DISABILITY?
I had never given much thought to J ever falling in love.  Shame on me for that.  I think there is a tendency, even for a parent, to discount certain things in people with disabilities.  One of those things is their ability and capacity to love someone in a more amorous way.  J is emotionally delayed, and has various anxiety issues and physical limitations (more around low muscle tone and unsteady gait), but, he isn’t missing any emotions.  

J feels the same things everyone else feels – sometimes in an amplified manner.  It is that “amplification” that concerns me, as he can often get overwhelmed with intense emotion of any kind.  Anticipation, even when it is over something good, can create a lot of anxiety in him.  We actually noticed this about our plans to visit T1.  J would get very anxious about any delay on the way as he couldn’t wait to see L.

My concerns with J are twofold – his behavior, specifically anything sexual, and how he handles being away from L.   

Sex-wise, the issue isn’t about some evil or malicious intent on J’s part.  It is about basic human reaction.  How will he react if he gets an erection, can he make sense of the hormones and urges building up inside him?  How can he keep any impulses in check when, impulsiveness and OCD like behaviors are part of who he is? 

While J already had an understanding of the technical aspects of the birds and the bees, suffice to say there have been several more talks since this event occurred.  And not about the mechanics of sex, but about the feelings and how those feelings should be properly expressed.  Both Mike and I feel J can handle a relationship with L and that it would remain appropriate for their “emotional” ages. 

I was concerned about how J would handle being away from her.  They don’t live close – about a 3 hour drive.   Turns out, J’s own tendencies helped address this.  J can heavily compartmentalization things and those compartments are very black and white.  His anxiety stays in check if we set the right expectation – and fulfill that expectation.

For now with this trip on the calendar J knew he would soon see L.  I think I mentioned that most of E’s family is at the resort – her parents, some siblings, a few cousins, even her grand parents.  So “the Nudies” are here too.  We also have a few more weekends planned to help T1 and E out with their renovations.  Beyond that we will have to try and set some schedule, perhaps a weekend here or there, or even invite L to our house.   If it is something we can put on a calendar and commit too, J is great with handling a schedule.  Basically for him, if it is on the schedule, then there is nothing to get anxious about before hand because it just “isn’t time” for that particular thing to happen.

SURE OF THINGS
I was curious about what they liked in each other.  What is it than an 11-year old fully functioning, able-bodied girl would see in a 17-year old boy with a disability?   So I asked her.    

L said she likes to help J, whether it is helping him up a step or help him figure something out.  She also said he was funny and liked a lot of the same things she liked.  But the most touching thing she said was that J had this joy about him and he wasn’t afraid to just “let that joy out.”  She said he is so certain about things.  “Not in a bossy way or trying to show off or impress me, but he is so sure of things.  No boy I know is like that.”          

Seeing J through L’s eyes was so amazing.  J is very self assured.  He has never “wanted” for more abilities.  He accepts that his issues are just part of who he is.  He is also never shy to proclaim his thoughts (which sometimes can be awkward and/or very funny).

I always see this in him, and it was touching that this little girl sees it too – and more importantly, just doesn’t see it, but values it – the way I do.  And L’s own self-assuredness probably intimidates and repels every boy her own age.  I can see why L is attracted to that in J. 

And I asked J what he liked about L.  He said she talks to him like we talk to him and most kids don’t do that.  Even when she asked him questions about his disability it was like, “so what’s that about.” and “she didn’t even make a face when I explained it.”  He also added that she was funny and just made him feel good to be around and summed it all up with, “She is a good friend and has a good spirit.”

SUMMARY
Their intentions are much more innocent than we may assume about their peers (and especially about their parents!).  So we all are taking a deep breath, remaining calm and supportive, but yeah, still keeping an extra eye out. 

Post 255. Vacation Naked

253. What to title this one?

253

Uh, I cover a couple of different things in this post and struggled with a title.  What do you think of my solution?

I wrote in my last post about Matt inviting me to go to the coast with him.   When the idea first came up and Mike said he wanted me to go, I was very quick with a “Yes, Sir.”  It was more out of habit than out of a desire to go.  When I gave it some thought, I realized I would rather be at T1’s for the weekend than with Matt.  (Per my last post, we spent almost every weekend in May helping out at T1’s new house).  I like Matt, but I enjoy my family more, and have really enjoyed the time with T1, E, and her cousin’s family.

MIKE WANTS ME TO GO
I was going to ask Matt to reschedule our trip, but, before I could do that Mike said something that made me reconsider.  Mike mentioned how he thought it would be good for me to have that extended time with Matt and that it would be good for Kayla to have some time around family without me there.

“Without me there!” I imagine that sounds harsh.  It isn’t in the context from which I knew he was speaking.  Although we are no longer hiding our relationship with Kayla, it is easy for her to be made to feel like a “third wheel” or somehow in a “second class” relationship to what Mike and I have.

Don’t get me wrong – Mike and I have been married 26 years and what Kayla has with him and with me is nothing compared to our marriage.  No matter what any of us do, nothing will change the fact that the relationship Mike and I have trumps any relationship any of us have with anyone else.  (ug, you know, I don’t think I can ever use the word “trump” again.  It no longer connotes “rank above” and simply connotes “rank” – as in the slang meaning of something horrible, disgusting, and sick).  I digress.

My point is the unbreakable and enduring relationship Mike and I have doesn’t need to be rubbed in Kayla’s face.  And she deserves the opportunity to explore facets of her relationship with Mike in ways that don’t always involve me.  Mike and I have often talked about this and is why we have designated date nights with him and that Kayla sometimes goes with him on business trips.  And at least once a month Kayla and I go out on an official “date.”  We both love Kayla and want her to feel wanted, appreciated, and loved.

It is in THAT context that I fully understood what Mike was saying.  Thus, I decided that my desires to be at T1’s were less important than my desire to give that experience to Kayla.  Kayla deserves the opportunity to experience Mike’s attention and affection around family without me there and when else might that opportunity come?

It made me feel good knowing that I was not only going with Matt because it was what Mike wished (and doing as he wishes always tickles my special spot), but I was also doing it for Kayla, who I love and care about.  On top of all of that, I enjoy my time with Matt and a weekend at the coast with no kids or worries?  Well, duh!   Sign me up!

MY WEEKEND WITH MATT
It was fun.  My mind drifted at times back to Mike and the family, but I took advantage of my time away.  I got a massage, got some sun, and of course, Matt and I had lots of sex.

The more time I spend with Matt the more I have realized something.  I wish he was more different from Mike.  In some ways he has the same easy-going personality.  They share a similar demeanor.  I mean, if I am going to explore outside my marriage, I kind of wish I was exploring vastly different terrain.  Not to say they are totally alike – but still. 

I enjoy my time with Matt but I wouldn’t say I love him.  Fond of him, yes.  But love?  No.  And we have talked about this.  We joke that in some ways were are glorified fuck-buddies (Mike allowed me to include that since that is indeed factual – we do joke about that).  It is more than just sex, but perhaps not by much!  Ha.   Anyway, as long as Matt and I are on the same page about it, and Mike as well, then it is all good.  

DAD, IS KAYLA YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
So how did that weekend without me go at T1’s?   It went great.   Mike was outwardly affection with Kayla…holding hands, quick little pecks on the lips, and of course the sleeping arrangement included them sleeping together.  It prompted J to ask, “Dad, is Kayla your girlfriend?”

While we haven’t been hiding things from J, we never blatantly told him anything like we did with T1, T2, and others.  We felt simply letting things “be” and allowing his awareness to evolve was a better approach then sitting him down and telling him about it.  Telling him something is always like a line in the sand for him.  Had we just told him, it would be like, “before we talked, Kayla was just Kayla, but as of this moment, it has changed, and she is now our girlfriend.”  

It would have been jarring for him.  His mind would have tried to fill in any uncertainty about what “girlfriend” meant.  This lack of sureness would have been very anxiety inducing (I’ve written about his special needs).   Thus, it was simply better for him to witness and experience what it means for us to love Kayla before actually putting a label on it.  Applying a label to something he already knows and has experienced is a clarifying event, versus the anxiety inducing event of hearing the label and being left to wonder what that label really means.

So what did Mike say?  Mike told him, “Yes, she is mom and dad’s girlfriend.  We both love her very much.”  To that, J just said, “Okay, I thought so.”  And that was it.  And believe me, if J had any unresolved emotions he would make it abundantly clear.  And while he doesn’t always clearly verbalize his emotions,  what he can’t verbalize will manifest itself in a variety of neurotic ways.  And Mike said he was not only fine in his response, but remained calm and happy the entire weekend.

An interesting aside is that J didn’t question my love for Kayla – he wasn’t thrown by Kayla being my girlfriend too.  However, he probably didn’t fully connect the dots about what that means about my sexuality.  We aren’t going to connect them until he presents them for connection.  I suspect that realization will come soon enough, but again, it will be in the context of what he has witnessed and experienced regarding a warm, loving, and fun relationship and not just some label.  

Of course, some of J’s happiness may be in that J is in love for the first time — with E’s 11 year-old niece!   But that’s a whole other story and post!   And it is rated PG!  I felt compelled to state that right away.  The thought of letting the imagination run wild for some of you kinky f’s is just not acceptable when my child is concerned!   

Of course, when it comes to anything about me, or Mike and I, well, feel free to imagine away!

Next:  254. Dating: Teens/pre-teen? Nudism? Disability? ???