Tag Archives: triad

259. More Mike

259

I recently gave updates on Matt and Kayla, so clearly I need to give an update on the most important person in my life – my husband Mike!  And in doing so, it is also an update on me and our relationship as a whole. 

If you have followed my journey since the beginning, you know that Mike has been amazing.  I got us into Domestic Discipline and while he had some reservations, he was willing to give it a try.  And try he did.

I am fortunate that he and I have stayed pretty much on the same page throughout our journey.  While I think our open communication has a lot to do with it, we have also just been lucky.

MIKE
Mike is happier than he has ever been in our marriage.  There is evidence beyond his demeanor, such as, he says it!  And it isn’t happiness of power, but happiness in the results of his influence – over me, over the family.   His satisfaction stems from seeing his significant investment of his emotional “equity” into our relationship pay off.    

I made a lot of the day-to-day decisions pre-DD, or at least heavily influenced Mike such that I usually got my way.   You may think it is easy to take the reigns of a household and start making decisions, but it isn’t.  In part it just wasn’t his nature — a nature that I influenced for 20+ years.  He also wasn’t confident in how I would react to his new role.  In other words, he was a bit hesitant and afraid of “being an asshole.”  I have never once thought such a thing.

I think Post 160 and Post 205 best sum of his evolution and how great he is.  Mike is timely and effective in making decisions, big and small.  He has sky-high confidence in his role as disciplinarian.  He made the transition of simply executing on my wishes for him to be dominant, to actually becoming a Dom.  In fact, he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be (more on that later).

Mike remains a wonderful father and an amazing husband.  He is a masterful Dom, both for me and Kayla – which is not easy as our needs as submissive are different.   And beyond just a Dom, he is a great husband.  He is loyal, trustworthy, sincere, a great listener, affectionate, empathetic, and the list goes on.  He is all those things to me, to our kids, and to Kayla.  It gives me great joy to share those things in him, with Kayla.

I mentioned before that Mike is an intensely private person.  He feels a lot of this stems from the childhood trauma from a robbery.   I shared before that his house was broken into and robbed when he was a child, and it was an extremely thorough robbery and what wasn’t taken was smashed and vandalized.

While he has come a long way in opening up to strangers, he still has a heightened distrust of people until he really gets to know them better.  — which is sometimes hard when he starts at a point of distrust.   Luckily he has a “tell all” wife who welcomes in anyone and everyone to help balance him out — although instead of “balance him out”, he tends to call it, “driving him crazy.”  lol.

JEN
Most of the journey was me pushing Mike to help me find my limits.  I found those limits.  I am where I want to be as his submissive and with DD.  This is one of the reasons my posts have lacked the yearning and self-revelations of my earlier posts.  I don’t yearn much and haven’t discovered some new revelation about myself.   

When I think back to what got me interested in DD, I never imagined how effective it would be in helping me be the person I wanted to be, nor what it would mean to my family for me to be that person.  My life feels tremendously purposeful and amazingly fulfilled.  So good that I feel a bit guilty in my pleasure when we are surrounded with so much suffering and injustice. 

My submissive mindset is sufficiently nourished, and not wanting.  But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?  Do we still have DD sympatico?  I mentioned he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be.   More on that in another post….hee hee.  I love a cliffhanger.

And before I get into resolving that cliffhanger, how can I write about my relationship with Mike without stating how I reconcile the little minor fact that, well, you know, it kind of includes a third person…someone who has evolved into being almost like a co-wife to Mike, and a partner to me.  Kayla! 

Yes, I gave you an update about her…but what can I say specifically about our triad in the context of how it impacts my relationship with Mike?   I don’t think I adequately addressed that in my updates.  Since fully coming out to everyone about Kayla, I have had to answer some questions from family.  So what of those questions and of my answers? 

 Sounds like a great next post, so that cliffhanger will have to wait as I next address this issue of how I explain my “open” marriage to those who ask.   

 

 

257. More Kayla

257

I provided a “Matt update’ on my last post and thought it fitting to share a “Kayla update.”  It’s beyond just an update about her – it includes a significant update about us!

She completed her first year of grad school with excellent grades – and a year from now will be plunged into her working years.  Kayla had just turned 22 when she moved in with us. She is now 23 (and half, ha).   Normally you stop counting half years when what, you are about 10 or 11?  Well, I mention it because while a year-and-a-half seems like a short amount of time, for Kayla, every month marked a time of tremendous personal growth – so that “half” is very important. 

KAYLA RISING
She is different.  Outwardly you can see it.  She wasn’t overweight but has lost some weight and is quite toned (thanks to a steady exercise regimen).  It is more than just firmness and curves – the once wallflower now exudes self-confidence.  Her dress also matches this new persona, perhaps in part due to a mandated dress code that ditched the baggy t-shirts for skirts and dresses, but she has grown to love her wardrobe and despite its mandate, it reflects and celebrates who she has become.   

And more importantly, inwardly you can see it.  She is more outspoken – yes, even as a submissive. Submissive doesn’t mean silent.  She communications her feelings and views – again, you could say it is due in part from this being mandated as part of our rules (and frankly, is just part of our family culture), but it too has become her.  Her fear of rejection is gone.      

She was already wise for her age at 21-22.  And now at 23, she really has a great grasp on making choices that fulfill her in healthier ways.  She has applied all the new things she has learned about herself and has shown that she just doesn’t need as much advice.  Not to say that she doesn’t ask – it is just less so.   

She has a great group of friends of her own, and continues to be an important and loved member of our household.  She is also thriving as a submissive – she will do anything for Mike.  You can see the yearning in her to please him and how fulfilling it is for her to do so.  And her and I have a great, loving relationship.  

I don’t discipline her as we have made it a point for me not to be her disciplinarian.  And while at first she still highly deferred to me, there is less and less of that.  And that is by design, from both of us.  Part of it was she knew she was the “outsider” coming into “my house,” so she showed deference out of respect.  As she saw she was not only being accepted, but that her thoughts and wishes were valued by me, she learned she didn’t need to defer.     

I feel her relationship with Mike suits both her and Mike well.  She craves submission, specifically from Mike, but frankly, she has a need for it to come from a man.  It simply doesn’t serve her needs to be submissive to me (nor does it serve mine).  Simply put, our three-way relationship has evolved to meet all our needs — and that is how relationships should evolve, else you discover that aren’t fulfilling and realize it is time to move on. 

Kayla recognizes the changes in her and is quick to express her gratitude for how we have helped her.  She tells me that she is specifically grateful to me for giving her opportunities to explore her relationship with Mike, independent of me, as well as allowing her “equal input” on various things that come up.  Not that she always gets her way, but she always feels heard and validated by me. 

I think it was very important for her to get that from another woman.  Although my relationship with her started out with me being somewhat of a mother figure to her, it has evolved beyond that.  She doesn’t need mothering any more.  She is a fully functional, confident, vibrant, and flourishing adult.  

I love this!  The purpose of all my advice was not to clip her wings and make her dependent,  it was to strengthen her wings so she can soar on her own – and she is soaring.

TELLING HER PARENTS / TELLING ALL
I don’t think I shared this before, but if I did, I don’t think I wrote much about it.  Kayla has told her parents about her relationship with Mike and I.  They weren’t thrilled, but they apparently took it well.  They already knew Kayla was bisexual, so that wasn’t new to them. 

I’ve shared that Mike and I are now in the open about Kayla – and we are now 100% open.  Family, friends, anyone!  Not that we ran and told people, but, as the situation warrants, we explain it.  For instance, Mike didn’t announce it to all his coworkers, but he did tell a few of them and told them it wasn’t any secret – so I am sure his entire office knows.

This “telling all” had a tremendous impact on Kayla.  Being unable to proclaim our love for each other can really take a toll.  It would be awkward in social situations for her to have to be on alert to make sure she “played the friend” versus the lover.  No more.

THE FUTURE?
When Kayla first moved in we talked about her living with us while she finished grad school and then she would move on into full independent adulthood.

With just a year to go before she finishes school, Kayla got to thinking about what she would be doing a year from now.  She said she was nervous to share with us what was on her mind.  She told us that she wants to stay with us, indefinitely.

We welcomed her declaration!

DEFINING OUR RELATIONSHIP – CEREMONY
Her commitment to us is that she is dedicated to our relationship, not due to a sense of obligation, but due to the love she feels from us and towards us.  Dedicated, in our relationship, doesn’t mean exclusive, as she is open to dating again, but is not actively looking to do so.

We subsequently talked about having a ceremony, honoring our commitment and recognizing her position in our relationship (my idea, and Mike agreed).  Nothing over the top – not like a formal ceremony – basically a party where we make an extended toast/declaration regarding our relationship.  So yeah, like a ceremony. 

Beyond this “ceremony,” we are also taking a few other steps as ways to show a greater committment between the three of us.    

FINANCES
We are combining finances.  I can hear the “uh-oh” coming from some of you.  Once you talk money in a relationship things can get a bit wonky.   But, she is either part of our family or isn’t, and as far as we are concerned, she is.  And actually, it is a bit anti-climatic because as part of her submission she gave up choices in spending her money.  Mike already monitors and controls her spending.   

I shared a bit about how we manage our finances in Post 181. Domestic Financial Discipline.   Kayla will now be on our “day-to-day account” and any money she has to deposit will go into the “bills account.”   She isn’t working right now, but does get a little money each month from her dad to help with living expenses – he promised her he would continue to do that as long as she was going to school, and, he is also paying for her schooling.

Kayla had been paying us rent, because she insisted on doing so. She will no longer do that.  All her money simply goes into our account and her and I have a budget on what we can spend – and we have to get Mike’s permission for anything beyond things like food or gasoline.   The end result is that there really isn’t any change in how she spends her money – and it wasn’t like she was building a savings of any kind.  It’s not like her dad is giving her a lot of money – just enough to get by.

BEDROOM
I have shared before that Kayla’s bedroom is basically part of our master bedroom.  When we had the house built we had an option of putting a door to one of the bedrooms either in the hall or, where a wall would have been in our master bedroom.  We opted for access via the master bedroom.  It was great when the room served as a nursery, and we felt at some point it would be converted into a sitting room or office.  It makes the master suite seem really huge as you open these double doors to this small entry way.  To your your left is another door to this “hidden” bedroom, and to your right is a door to the actual master bedroom.

Even though the three of us have been sharing the same bed for some time, there was still this visual of “Kayla’s bedroom” versus “our” (Mike and I) bedroom.  And it was also part of our vocabulary.  These visual and those words are powerful and aren’t reflective of our true relationship.

Thus, Mike is moving his home office into what was Kayla’s bedroom and the master is officially “ours” (Mike, me, and Kayla).  The room currently serving as Mike’s office will be a guest room.  A bonus of my dress code is that I pared down my wardrobe such that our master closet has a lot of room.  Kayla’s stuff fit nicely in it.  Even though we haven’t yet moved any furniture, we did move her things into our closet.  That gesture seems small but was extremely powerful – as we hung her last bit of clothing, Kayla began to cry — tears of joy.  This symbolic gesture means a lot to her, and to us.

COMMITMENT
What this all comes down to is that we are all in a committed relationship.  We understand that our commitment is no more permanent than commitments made in any other type of relationship.  Unmarried people living together can split up and married people can divorce — but those possibilities don’t lessen their commitment. 

Kayla can leave at any time, but that doesn’t lessen her commitment.  However, because it is so easy for her to break off from us, it is important to her, and to us, to go out of our way to demonstrate a deeper commitment.  It can’t be a wedding ring, but, we can stop hiding the role she has in our lives and we can look for subtle, but powerful, ways to demonstrate commitment. 

Our “commitment party”  is one such way.  Combining the finances is another.  There are some other ways as well, but I don’t want to share those just yet.

THE FUTURE BEYOND THAT?
While Kayla expressed her desire to be committed beyond the end of her schooling, let’s face it, she is 23, Mike and I are closing in on our 50’s.   As much growing Kayla has done from 21-23, she may continue to rapidly evolve from 23-25.  What does the 25-year old Kayla need compared to what our relationship provides?  What of the 27-year old Kayla?  30?

We talked about this and all agreed that, just like any other relationship, if it reaches a point it is no longer fulfilling, whether it be because priorities change, people change, or whatever the cause — well, that’s when you re-evaluate.  And hopefully we are all loving enough to not take offense if that were to occur.  In our case, it is not only understandable, but somewhat predictable.  We recognize our age differences may eventually matter.  Kayla may meet someone she wants to marry, she may want a child, she may yearn to be on her own.  All normal things a 20-something could want and all things that may be difficult for our relationship to support.

We aren’t looking for a lifetime commitment.  That would be silly and put unnecessary pressure on everyone.   Beyond a dedication to each other, we are dedicated and committed to the principles we have established as the ground rules for our household.  Those principles demand that if Kayla reaches a point where she yearns for something the relationship can’t provide, she is encouraged. . . no, she is required, to not allow the relationship to get in the way of her fulfillment.  Further, if (when) it comes to that point, we are required to support her.

Next: 258. Planning Immersion III – Surprise, surprise, surprise

110. I Spy. . . something Poly! In defense of Millennials!

spy

Haven’t posted in a while.  Busier than usual days and evenings.  I tend to write a bit here and there and once complete, I post it.  Things have been happening so fast around here that before I finish what I think is something worth sharing, there is something new that tops it that I am anxious to share.  I have many half-written posts!   I am going to go back and finish each one and post them as soon as possible in order to catch you up on the various happenings in Mi Casa de Domestic Discipline.

This post isn’t really a story – just a general observation, actually, a bias of mine, and about our decision to “come out” a bit about our dynamic.  Yeah, that sounds like big news, but frankly, it doesn’t seem that big of deal to me anymore.  More on that later, but first, my general observation – which does tie into my “coming out” story.

MILLENNIALS
I know my feelings about this topic will not apply to all who fit this “label,” but, I think it is a fair generalization, to the extent that generalizations can be fair.  I am sure some of you would disagree with my assessment and I realize that the personal experiences that shaped my views on this may not jive with your experience.   Anyways, enough disclaimers!  What I am talking about is Millennials.  Those are the “kids” that are roughly aged 13-30, depending on what definition you find.   I must admit, I adore and envy Millennials, and my relationship with Kayla just deepens those feelings.

Millennials are often chided as a “special” generation, for thinking they are so “special” or entitled.  I think their proclivity for wanting to be special is misunderstood.  We all want that feeling.  Their “special” isn’t about self-indulgence to excess (that was for the adults of the 1980’s).  Instead, to me most Millennials seem to be more about a willingness to take on a journey of self-actualization.  Or better yet, not just a willingness, but an expectation that others will allow them to take that journey.  Such a journey is not about self-indulgence.  It is about self-discovery – a yearning to discover one’s full potential. Unlike other generations, the Millennials seem more willing to take on that journey and not judge their peers who also take on that journey.

They also seem more inclined to feel special through helping others, not necessarily in helping themselves.  I find Millennials are more open to new experiences and different ideas and are less likely to judge those that come with different ideas forged from different life experiences.   They embrace differences as an opportunity to learn and grow.   They also don’t accept conformity for conformity’s sake.   In the workplace they don’t accept “we’ve always done it that way,” — which sometimes make for a difficult employee!  In the household they don’t accept, “but the family has always done that/believed that/expected that.” — which for some households that can make for a difficult child!  The Millennial want to know why, and if the “why” isn’t meaningful, then they are quick to dismiss that action/belief/expectation.   I find my thinking is more aligned with that generation than with my own generation.

I don’t believe my yet to be born grand-kids or great-grand-kids should live any part of their life out of a sense of tradition or obligation to me or my ancestors.  What a terrible way for them to live.  I don’t care if they prepare the same foods I prepare, celebrate the same holidays I celebrate, or believe the same things I believe.  I want them to embrace whatever opportunities and experiences are available to them during their time on this earth, unencumbered by my beliefs or expectations.  Let them find the food, holidays, and beliefs that suit them, not me!

Okay, enough of that rant.

I SPY POLYAMORY
Kayla had a few friends over that we had the opportunity to meet.  There was maybe a fifteen or twenty-minute conversation with them before they left for the event they were all going to with Kayla.   But in that time some of them were able to sense there was something different with the dynamic going on in the house.   Although we didn’t do anything that would be obvious, some of them pegged us for having some sort of deeper relationship with Kayla than her just being a tenant.  (“Peg” as in “identify” or “figured out” and not in the kink use of the term.  Just wanted to be clear for all you warped minds out there!).

It goes back to something I shared in a prior post – actually several I think.  That is, your mind is more readily able to identify the things to which it is open.  When you are open to more differences, call it, more “colors of the rainbow,” then you suddenly are able to recognize those colors are present.  I think this enabled some of her friends to quickly pick up on some subtle signs between how Mike, Kayla, and I interacted and in turn, identify what those subtle signs meant.

After Kayla left with her friends and they were out on their afternoon together, one of her friends said, “So, how long have you been sleeping with the H’s?”  Kayla did her best to deny it, but she knew they weren’t buying it.  Suffice to say, now some of Kayla’s friends know there is a three-way dynamic going on with Kayla and us.  Most of them define it as Kayla being in a polyamorous relationship with an older married couple.  They didn’t seem to connect the dots re D/s relationship, but they were attuned enough to at least connect that there was something sexual going on.   Although Kayla never outright confirmed it with them, it was clear they knew.

Kayla told us what happened and we talked about how she should handle further inquiry from them.  We asked her to just remain coy.  Let their imagination fill in any blanks, and don’t overly deny anything while also not confirming anything.

Kayla said one of her friends brought it up again to her and Kayla basically told her, “So what if there is?  If there is, do you think the three of us would want everyone to know?   And if there isn’t, then do you think we want people thinking that there is?”    She said her friend said something to the effect, “I don’t care either way, I was just curious.   Fine if you are, fine if you aren’t.  And apparently you are and you don’t want to talk about it.  Cool with me.”   To that Kayla said, “Fine, then, that’s settled,” to which they replied, “but aren’t they kinda old for you?”  Kayla said that her friend’s follow up questions were only about the age difference.  No questions about how could she partake in such a relationship – no, the fascination from her friends isn’t about why she is basically in a Triad with a married couple.  Nope.  That doesn’t seem too remarkable to her friends.   But the age difference – oh, that was remarkable.

So, now some of Kayla’s friends basically know there is something more to our relationship with Kayla and we okay with that.  We have reached a point that while we don’t want to advertise our sexual proclivities, we aren’t opposed to people knowing or suspecting things.

I was curious about what it was that her friends saw such that their minds leaped to such a far-out conclusion?  Kayla came back and reported this – Their first clue was whenever they talked to Kayla about her living with us.  They said there was this spark in Kayla’s eyes and tone in her voice that made her appear bit giddy to just talk about us.   The second clue was when Mike and I were in the living room talking to her friends, waiting for Kayla to finish getting ready for their afternoon out.  They said the demeanor of both Mike and I changed when Kayla walked into the room.  They said they couldn’t exactly explain it, but our eyes perked up and the tone in our voice changed when we talked to Kayla.  When we said goodbye to them as they left for their event, they said the way we said goodbye to her seemed to be different.  They couldn’t exactly describe what it was, but it just felt different and two of the three of her friends picked up on this.

I am sure those same “signals” are there when we are with other people, but it was only this group – this group of millennials – that were able to read the signals.  OR – it could be others read it but would be too embarrassed to ask.   Either way, this group not only read the signals, but thought nothing of asking Kayla about it.  I find this very interesting.

I asked John and Donna if they sensed anything like that between Mike, Kayla, and me.  They said no, but, since they know what is going on, perhaps it is harder to see those “signals.”

LETTING OTHERS KNOW?
This experience fed a growing interest in me to reveal to my sisters my DD lifestyle and our relationship with Kayla.  We are very close and share all sorts of things, and I have always felt a bit guilty for not sharing this with them.  I don’t need their acceptance but I do value their input, even if critical.  Also, I was now curious to know if they suspected anything.  I talked with Mike and he agreed that I could do so.

In the past year I had shared with my sisters that Mike and I have adjusted our relationship such that I decided to turn over more decisions to him and I actually used the term “be a more submissive housewife.”  They know I put a lot of energy into my son’s needs and that I’ve always been a bit of a control freak, so they accepted that I was in need of a break.   I did not try to dispel their view that they saw this as more about Mike stepping up and taking more responsibilities than they saw it as me stepping down and being submissive.  I certainly didn’t share with them that I am spanked or punished in any way.

For a bit more context about my relationship with my sisters – we probably share more than typical sisters share.  We all probably know more about each other’s sex life than we should, and they know about my “bisexual experiences” (as they call it) with Amy. (as shared in Post 73 Pube Shaving Party, 64 Strip Quarters, and 62. Sexual Adventures of a Pre-DD Jenny).    And I know about some of their more “out there” sexual experiences – but DD and my relationship with Kayla would top them all as being the most “out there.”

Anyway, I plan to tell them. Not sure when – it’s not like I am going to call them and say, “Guess what…”  I’d like to tell them together and figure the best time will be the next time the three of us sisters have a lunch together.  I’ll try to schedule one with them soon.

So, there you have it.  We’ve been “outed” a bit by some of Kayla’s friends, and we are going to out ourselves a bit to my sisters.   This reflects a growing comfort and respect I have for our lifestyle.  I know this lifestyle is not one that most people would choose, nor that most people could handle, but it works well for us.

While we want to continue being discreet and we won’t outwardly proclaim or display our lifestyle with all but a select few, we also won’t’ go out of our way to deny it to those that ask or suspect something.  I am not ashamed of my submission or of our relationship with Kayla. We have even thought through how to handle this news with our three children, if it comes to that.  No plans to share, but we will be ready if necessary.  But hey, they are all Millennials, so they can handle it, right?  Ha!  I know it is way different when the subject is your parents and not your peers. Can you say, “Therapy!”

NEXT 111.  DD Jenny Style vs. Kayla Style