Tag Archives: tradition

219. I am Angry (and that’s okay)

219

Last night Mike told me I can not attend the Super Bowl party.  I am to use this time alone, while they are having fun, to do “all I want” online.   All the other restrictions remain in place until further notice and my internet restrictions will resume once they get back from the party.  I am not happy.  I am angry.

I didn’t sleep well.  I journaled until lights out, trying my best to get out all my jumbled rage.  Even with the lights out I let the rage play out in my head as I tossed and turned.  My mind was focused on how terrible it was for Mike to keep me from the party.   I am glad I get to finally type this out.  Writing always helps.

I rewrote this post many times.  Each rendition became less angry.  Writing is wonderful that way.  It’s good to vent, even just in writing.  However, I want to give you a glimpse into where I started emotionally.  I am neither defending or apologizing for these feelings.  They simply represent what was going on in my heart.   

While you will see I made progress in reconciling my anger, the healing process is just that – a process.  The acute, sharp pain is gone, but remnants remain.  I can sense they are slowly fading, but, they are not gone.  

I put this into two posts –  on on my anger, and one on my healing.

ANGER
When Mike told me the news, I managed to give a less-than-heartfelt, “Yes, Sir.”  I couldn’t even make eye contact with Mike when I said it.  Too many emotions bubbling.  

It isn’t that I am a football fan – it is about the social aspect.  We have so much fun!  I have so much fun! And the sex is fun!   And it is tradition – Mike and I were doing this long before DD, before John and Donna – all the way back to when we were first dating.  We hang out together for the Super Bowl.  It’s what we do and have done for over 25 years.  MIKE AND I ALWAYS DO IT TOGETHER.

I’ve been so good all week.  I was expecting Mike to tell me he was ending the restrictions and I was anticipating a day of fun together.   Instead, I can’t go to the party AND all the restrictions are staying in place (except for being able to go online while they are at the party).  Hrumpf!!! 

I was glad to have our Sunday Maintenance session before they left for the party.   They left for the party around 1:00 – yeah, it is a long and fun party.  Of course, because I am so lucky, I get to have my Maintenance before they go to have their fun. Yea, me! (That wasn’t too subtle with the sarcasm was it?  I hope not). 

I got all the catch up spankings that were “banked.”  Three separate sets of spankings for various misbehavior, and 28 spankings for errors he found in the 700 lines I wrote over the course of the week.  I was so anxious to speak that despite an awful lot of spankings and a very sore bottom, the discomfort didn’t even register in my mind.  Finally,  I get to speak!

I did my best to plan my words in advance – humble, respectful, and calm.  But in the moment, adrenaline kicks in (or is that anger?).  Despite my best efforts, anger is hard to hide.  Not only was Mike unmoved, but after one warning, I was spanked for the tone I was using.  On the third offense, he gave me lines.  I think he gave me the lines instead of another spanking because I actually made him angry.  He was aware enough to not spank me in anger.  Not that the lines won’t mean more spanking later, but, at least he will be calm.

I know he purposely left me my internet time today to serve as further punishment.  It isn’t lost on me that while they are partying it up, I am spending time doing the very things that got me on restriction to begin with.   Part of me wants to show him by not even logging on.  But, he did say, “you will use this time to do what you want online.”  It wasn’t a suggestion.  Plus the writing always helps me vent.    

I have never felt so upset over my discipline.  I don’t agree with it, I feel it is excessive, he is treating me like a child.  I am so good to him.  I have accepted all the restrictions without complaint.  I deserve to go to the party.   Just spank me and get over it.  I am not a child. 

NOT A CHILD!
I get the irony.  Spanking me somehow isn’t treating me like a child, but not allowing me to go to a party is?   Well, bite me!   Yes, Mike spanks me, disciplines me in other ways, scolds me, instructs me, etc.  I concede they are consistent with describing a parental authority figure.  There is no explaining or convincing anyone – you just have to be someone who is fulfilled by being submissive to understand it.  This particular course of discipline has me feeling like I am being treated like a child.

IF NOT A CHILD, STOP BEHAVING LIKE ONE
I admit it!  I am sure at least one of you out there was already thinking it.  My feelings match my behavior and thinking.  I am behaving and thinking like a child.  I am upset because I am not getting what I want!   There, I said it.  Is that so bad?  I want to be there.  

SUBMISSION FAILING ME
I want to behave the right way, I want to accept this the right way, I want to submit to his decision — even if it is uncomfortable to do so.  That is what submission is.  blah blah blah.  Sorry, I feel what I feel and currently my feelings goes beyond being uncomfortable.  I am mad!

Disagreeing with Mike feels awful, like I am undermining my submission.  It’s like I can feel my emotions are betraying my devotion to Mike, but I can’t stop them.  I am still mad and I still feel I should be at the party!

It disturbs me that I am upset with Mike for “doing this to me,” and it disturbs me that my heart, my attitude, and my commitment towards submission isn’t helping me deal with this difficulty.    I am disturbed because I know that isn’t the “right way” to feel, but screw it, that’s how I feel.

Take a breath — remind myself that anger isn’t an emotion.  Anger covers up emotions.  So, what is it that I am feeling that is triggering the anger?

JEALOUSY?
I am not jealous of Kayla. I am happy she gets to attend. I know she looked forward to it, not just the social aspect of course, but the sexual exploration.  Three men!  I do wish I could be there for that.  I trust Mike, as does Kayla, but it would be prudent to have another set of eyes and ears focused on how Kayla was doing – namely, MY eyes and ears.  See, it isn’t just for me that I should be there.  It would benefit Kayla!

I do feel jealous of Mike!  This is very odd for me and it surprises me.  I don’t like this feeling, but it is there none-the-less.  Why does HE get to attend and I don’t?  Why does he get to enjoy our annual day of fun and I don’t?

As I think more about it, I do feel jealousy towards Mike, Kayla, John and Donna.  Why do people I love get to have such fun and new experiences without me when I am supposed to be there and deserve to be there?

ISOLATION?
I’ve had a week of feeling isolated.  Sure, physically I’ve been home and others have been around.  But the restrictions served to isolate me.  I feel like there will be this constant reminder of missing this party.  All of them are sure to talk of it and share their stories.  I don’t want to relive missing out on it by hearing their stories.   There will be the inevitable, “Hey Jen, remember that Super Bowl  when…”  and then it will be like, “Oh yeah, you weren’t there.”   

I’ve been crying since they left, wallowing in my misery!  And yes, I fully identify with the feeling of isolation right now.

NOT WORTHY? 
It’s like Mike pushed me aside and doesn’t want me to enjoy what is our traditional and expected day and evening of fun.  He will throw that tradition away for what?  To make a point about my behavior?

I try to remind myself that submitting to Mike’s discipline has been a good thing.  Pre-DD, if there was something I disagreed with this strongly, believe me, it would have meant yelling and screaming – days, if not weeks of resentment.  Now THAT was childish.  Not only did that mean lots of emotional anguish, but it was often very hard to fully heal from those types of arguments.

Ah!  To heal.  That’s a great word. 

Maybe it’s time to focus on that.  Time to try and focus on healing my misery.  

I ask myself a simple question regarding my anger. Can submission lead me to find healing?” 

Next:  220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline

141. Master/slave Immersion 2.0

141Immersion

It is summer time and that means continuing a “tradition.”   Yes, it means it is time once again for an M/s immersion!   Okay, so perhaps it doesn’t qualify as “tradition” yet as it will be just our second such “immersion,” but it is something I’ve been looking forward to for some time. 

IMMERSION 2016 – a look back
I wrote about our immersion last year
(Post 31. June Butterflies – 10 day Total Power Exchange and again Post 34. M/s immersion complete).  What is definitely a tradition is that each summer my parents have my kids spend two weeks with them (of course, now it is mainly just my youngest).  This has always been a time for Mike and I to have some unencumbered fun.  Of course, what constitutes “fun” has been a little different since embracing Domestic Discipline.  

IMMERSION 2017 – a look ahead
Like last year, Mike and I will experiment with taking our dynamic up a notch or two on the Dom/sub scale.  A time to test limits and have extended uninterrupted “adult” time. This year will be a bit different as Kayla is now with us and Mike and I are another year wiser from our experiences.  After all, this time last year we were just 15 months into our DD lifestyle, so now have almost TWICE the experience!  What a difference a year makes.

We discuss what the Immersion will be like this year.  I asked Mike to simply surprise me.  No preconceived limitations, restrictions, or expectations on my part.   I asked that he just feel free to explore his wildest fantasies and let me rely on safe words to communicate when a limit has been reached.  

Kayla said she wanted the same from this immersion, with one addition.  She really enjoyed the group dynamic of the party (Post 139. A very Adults-only Party) and she wants to explore being with several men at once, as long as both Mike and I are present. She said that in her fantasy, Mike and I just watch, neither of us participate.  Thus, she asked if Mike could find “at least three” other men to be involved.  Mike told her he would consider it and it would hinge on him finding the right guys to participate.  John would be one, but the challenge is finding others we can trust.  Two of the couples at the party were really great to hang around.  We know that one of them only play together as a couple, so that leaves the man in the other couple to consider.  So including John, perhaps we are at two good candidates.

I don’t have significant reservations about Kayla’s request.  Not to say I don’t have concerns, but I know Mike takes this seriously and I am confident he will do what he can to make this live up to Kayla’s expectations.  I know this is a big fantasy of Kayla’s and I am happy to help her experience it if we can have all the right controls.  My biggest fear is actually Kayla having unrealistic expectations about it.  If you’ve read my posts you know how I am about expectations.  (Post 81. Expectations)

Thus, we all talked extensively about her request to ensure we are all “calibrated” as to her wants and desires.  I feel Kayla has really matured in her thinking about her submission and sexuality.   In six short months she has found tremendous confidence in sharing her fantasies and has shown discretion in separating pure fantasy from true desires.    

We’ll see what comes of this.  While Mike and I enjoyed the “vibe” of the party (sans Rudy),  we are content with our dynamic and sex life such that we mostly just see complications and disappointments if we make such “parties” the norm for us.  However Kayla wants to explore more and wants the comfort of our guidance and presence.  We will see what comes of this.  

CRYING
Switching gears —  T
hinking about the immersion last year has me in a reflecting mood.  It doesn’t really take much for that as I am a highly self-reflective person.  It got me thinking more about my submission and thinking more deeply about certain ways I act or have acted.

One of things I was reflecting on is crying.  While there have been plenty of exceptions, I don’t typically cry when I am punished.  I almost always get a bit teary eyed, but the full on cry is atypical.  Kayla, on the other hand, started out as a huge crier.  Her cries have diminished but are still common place.  She tends to have more like the semi-hyperventilating sniffles with lots of tears running down her cheeks versus a loud and boisterous cry.  

There may be a tendency to equate crying with pain or sadness, but that is never the reason I cry, nor is the reason for Kayla’s crying.    Both of us agree that the likelihood and degree of our crying is directly related to the degree of humility, remorse, and/or guilt we feel about the transgression that led to the punishment.  I think Kayla feels those things more often and more intensely than I do because she is younger and puts more pressure on herself than I do.  As such, she feels it more as a personal defeat than a temporary set back.  For me, the feelings of humility, remorse, or guilt are compounded the most when it is a repeat offense.  That leads me to a spanking story I haven’t shared that happened a few days ago.       

Spanking Story (tease)
I was at the store and saw something I wanted to buy for the house.  Our rules say I can only buy household items like food, toiletries, and cleaning supplies as long as it fits in the budget.  Any other purchases required permission from Mike.   If you aren’t familiar with the origins of this rule, read Post 71. Good Girl and Post 75. Public Display of Submission).

For whatever reason I wasn’t in a mindset to want to call Mike.  Asking permission seemed trivial and it was so clear to me we could use this item.  So, what did I do?  Well, I didn’t buy it. . . but I still got punished!   I’ll share the details on my next post!

NEXT:  142.  Spanking, Lines, and Corner Time.