363. IRRATIVE PROCESS PART 1 – WHY I SUBMIT

That’s not a typo. I did mean “irrative.” You’ll have to read this post to find out why. Of course, you can scroll right down to the last section if you don’t care to submit yourself to my ramblings.

Picking up where I left off on the last post. Why do I submit?
Again, you can read many posts about my views on submission and happiness by going to my Shortcuts and choosing from my favorite posts on this topic.

I tried to do my best not to repeat my former ramblings and give you all fresh new ramblings, but I think most of this post turned out to be a re-hash of things I’ve previously opined. It may take me one more post to get to some newer, fresher, thoughts on my submission.

BOYS TO MEN

I will start going back to my formative years of youth and how I approached my relationship with boys and eventually with men, including why I was attracted to Mike. As shared before, I met and dated Mike in high school where we dated off on and for several years. We had a different group of friends which made it difficult, but we always remained on friendly terms even when not dating each other. We reconnected shortly after high school – and the rest is history.

What attracted me to Mike, even in high school, was that he always seemed to want nothing more than to make ME happy. I never felt like I had anything to prove to him. Contrast that with other boys I dated who clearly wanted me to make them happy. I say “clearly” but as I look back on it, it was less about them and more about my own perceptions. For some reason most boys made me FEEL like it was my job to make them happy. As I look back, I can say it was more about my own perceptions than anything they overtly did.

Maybe it was “societal norms” influencing my perceptions. Whatever the case, being in charge of a adolescent male’s happiness is a lot of pressure for anyone, let alone an adolescent female. It leads to a lot of self doubt and worry about whether you are being a “good girlfriend.” Feelings that are pretty normal even without any added pressures. But for some reason, I just never felt that way around Mike.

I “DIDN’T CARE” ABOUT MIKE

I think I was a better girlfriend and a better person to Mike because I never cared how he saw me. I know that sounds strange. I mean, I wanted him to like me, and later love me and marry me. But I could be more myself around him versus anyone else. I think that raised my self esteem and made me more attractive to him. And funny thing, he says the same about me. He said he always felt more confident around me, less insecure, more himself. I guess that’s why we clicked!

I strongly believe we attract those who like the vibe we put off. If you are negative, nagging, anxious, insecure, you attract men who like and thrive on that. Yes, there are plenty of men who seek that in a woman. When you truly embrace your feelings, go from needy and anxious to relaxed and sensuous, your vibe attracts an entirely different person. And yes, some men are intimidated and repelled by that.

I always felt deliriously safe with Mike. I believe it was because I didn’t feel compelled to focus on him, and could focus on me. A good man wants to make you happy. When you’re happy, he’s happy, when he’s happy, you’re happy, and the happiness just feeds on itself.

HAPPINESS CAN BE A FOUR LETTER WORD

The challenge is, figuring out what truly makes you happy. The trick is, it’s really hard to know what truly makes you happy. You might be pursuing some idealized version of “happiness” that leaves you very empty, yet you continue your pursuit of it. That type of happiness is a four letter word.

For a long time I thought happiness had to be the “do-it-all-wife.” Work, kids, the whole works. As a parent, I had to be the super-parent, taking on any and everything without asking Mike for help. Why was I so reluctant to involve Mike? I think I figured that out, but will get to that later. For now, let’s soak in my attitude at that time.

I doubled down on my efforts once I became a stay-at-home-mom. My thinking was that if I am not working, I had to take even more parenting and household stuff off of Mike’s plate. Then when our youngest was born and had special needs, I made a conscious effort to take on even more to help minimize the impact our son’s needs had on Mike.

You’re probably saying, “where was Mike during all this.” Oh, he was there, but I was doing my best to keep him at a distance. Over time I pushed him out of a lot of things, even interacting with our kids. At least he had the gumption to insert himself, despite my protests, else he would have missed out on many experiences.

For instance, I would be happy to take the kids on an outing on the weekend to give Mike a free day off of work to relax. He had to practically beg to come along to an outing as I insisted he relax. While my motives were well intended, I eventually learned they made him feel unwelcome in joining his own family on outings . Ouch!

I was not happy, and neither was Mike. No need to re-hash my first few posts about my life pre-DD. You can read them starting here.

In summary, I was doing what I thought made me happy and I thought Mike needed. And Mike, being who he is, was giving me a lot of latitude in doing those things as he wanted to make me happy. But in doing so I was wearing myself down, shutting him out of a lot of things, and not feeling fulfilled by all the things I was doing. And instead of changing, I would just double down even further at what I was already doing. I had this attitude that if was I was doing wasn’t making me happy, maybe if I did it even harder I would be happy.

Doh! Easy to see the error in that thinking now, but at that time, there was no telling me otherwise. Thus, this small shred of mutual resentment appeared. It then started to get larger over time. Then along came DD and our world and marriage and life changed for the better!

BUT WHY WAS I DRAWN TO SUBMISSION?

DD forced me to think about what made me happy. I realized that the happiness I thought I had was false. Post 30. I Found My Thrill sums it up the best, so I won’t rehash it here.

Well, this post has dragged on and on with no real resolution as to what may be behind the tremendous fulfillment I get from serving my husband. Hey, getting to the bottom of such things can be an iterative process, but I will there. It just may take another post or two.

IRRATIVE?

Ha. I made a typo when I first wrote this and typed “irrative” process” instead of iterative. Maybe a Freudian slip! Irrative isn’t a word, but it should be! It’s quite irritating to me to not understand what is at the root of things I think and feel. Hence the reason I started my blog as it helps me to do so.

Anyways, maybe I’ll just have to torture you with one more post about me rambling on about myself. I know you’d rather hear about something sexy or raunchy. Sorry, but if you’re a long time reader, you know you have to suffer the occasional slings and arrows of my outrageous ramblings before you’re rewarded with the “good” stuff. Hey, who just said, “Since when has anything Jen posted been good?” Stop that!

NEXT: Part II. Why I am a submissive wife

321. Perception is Reality

This post is a bit of a rant.  There is no particular story with this post.  Just sharing various disparate thoughts about perception.  It’s a bit about how it is so easy for all of us to be hypnotized by fragile and comforting lies and disregard those inconvenient truths that undermine those lies.  It’s also a bit about our fear of being vulnerable.  I am not throwing stones.  I am not immune from this.  None of us are.

I’ve done four or five posts about fielding questions from my sisters regarding TTWD.   One was questioning me again, and it reminded me a lot of what I posted the last time she questioned me (239. Filters: As you sow so shall you reap).

Since we are sisters, you’d think we share a lot of the same filters.   We do, but they are not exact.   There are things she takes as fact that I do not.  And things I take as fact that she does not.  Of course, we all like to think facts are facts, but there are facts and there are also beliefs, and there are things you want so badly to believe that they become facts to you.   And all your behaviors serve to reinforce these “facts.”  Such was the point of my about Filters.

And without getting into the specific details of my sister’s questions, it was basically about the swinging and the sex I have with other men.   Yeah, I REALLY shouldn’t have ever told her about my blog!!   Oh well, too late.  Hi Sis!  

When we have these discussions my intent is to help her understand that this dynamic is right for me.   For one, I know she cares about me and she wants to be convinced that I am convinced.  But of course, I understand that believing in my dynamic is important to me.  I am very invested in it.  I want to believe it so badly that it is not a belief, it is a fact. It must be.   

And for her, my dynamic is so foreign to her that refuting it is important to her.  She is very invested in abhorring it.  She wants to believe it so badly that it is not a belief, it is a fact.  It must be. 

So I give her the most meaningful evidence there is.  The unequivocal, undeniable evidence of MY experience. Where I am today and how happy I am today in all aspects of my life.  Nope.  She is not only unshaken in her stance, but even MORE convinced of the “truth” of her beliefs than ever before.  

It’s a classic case of what psychology literature calls “motivated reasoning.”  Motivated reasoning is how people convince themselves to remain convinced of what they want to believe.  It’s that “filters” thing I mentioned in that other post.  You seek out agreeable information and you “let that in” very easily.  Simultaneously you avoid, ignore, devalue, forget, or argue against (i.e. filter out) information that contradicts your beliefs.  And thus we have Fox News.  LOL.

Seriously, I am not throwing stones.  I am not immune to this.  I don’t read or follow any blogs that say any of TTWD are bad, but I follow plenty extolling its virtues.  I surround myself with people who accept my lifestyle and avoid those who don’t (or they avoid me!).  I love reading things that promote being vulnerable, open, honest, and trusting in your relationships.  And to me, I assume that vulnerability must extend to include sexual desires and fantasies. 

Here’s an interesting article that definitely won’t do anything to change your mind about anything.  I guarantee it!  But it did help me better articulate my thoughts for this post.  Here’s another great post dealing with perception from a blogger I follow whose blog is titled, “Must be this Tall to Ride.”  

And I loved the final sentence, “It’s merely an opportunity to check your own biases and bullshit at the door.”  

That’s really hard to do.  I am fortunate that I am close to my sister.  We can have very frank talks about anything and everything, and no matter if we agree or disagree we love and respect each other. 

We both have something in common that really helps us to have meaningful conversations.  We both strive to check our biases and bullshit at the door and are receptive when the other is quick to challenge the other persons’ biases and bullshit.  Well, at least a little receptive.  It’s still hard.  No amount of sisterly love can make such discussions easy.

So what is my point of this post?   I think it is to illustrate that we all look for validation of our actions and feelings.  And guess what?  There is almost always plenty of stuff out there to validate them.  You just have to focus on what validates them and ignore what doesn’t.  You’ll feel vindicated and validated! 

But that is not what personal growth is about!  Personal growth is about challenging your beliefs and perceptions about the world.  And that’s the similarity between me and my sister – we are willing to have our beliefs and perceptions questioned.  We both joke that growing up we didn’t understand why the sermon’s at church didn’t end with “any questions?”   We came to understand why, but I digress. 

It’s that willingness to challenge my perceptions that allowed me to consider DD.  And it’s what has allowed me to be open to all of life’s possibilities.  To me, that is what it means to truly be alive!   And my willingness to fully be open to life’s possibilities has changed my life in ways that go beyond TTWD.  

To get something you never had, to experience something you’ve never experienced, to live a life you don’t have but always wanted — you have to be open to something you’ve never been open to.  Of course, it’s uncomfortable.  It means challenging and even disregarding the comforting lies that blanket your life. 

And yes, it doesn’t have to mean being open to being a Dominant, or being submissive, or swinging, or anything kink related – but here’s a hint — it’s sure fun if it does!

It doesn’t even have to be a life-altering thing.  Just pick one thing that you believe as fact, and really allow yourself to be vulnerable and challenge that belief.  For me, it is as addicting as it is painful.  Yep, it’s painful to discover the falseness of something you swore was fact.  But it’s also liberating and addicting.   If you haven’t figured it out, I am addicted to vulnerability.  

It’s official.  I am a weirdo. 

And if you DO want it to be life-altering, don’t just be vulnerable to your own closely held “facts,” but be vulnerable to and with your partner in life.  Now THAT is life-altering! 

Yawn!  Okay, Jen, enough of your drivel.   You do get spanked now and then, don’t you?  Tell us about that.   And you speak of all this sex and swinging, but where are the details?    Forget your friends and family and your rants.  Give us the tea!!!

Alright.  I’ll consider it.

 

292. Kayla’s Triad Thursday Declaration

I’ve promised a return to sharing more kink.  Forget family time!  It’s time to appeal to more prurient interests.   Yeah, be honest, that is why you read a blog like this! 

Well, I guess I lied.  You’ll have to wait for one more post.  This one will be the set up for the sizzling and salacious, the depraved and degenerate, the indecent and impure, the. . . well, you get the picture.  It sets the stage for the “fun” stuff, in this case, a punishment.   Yeah, I am flipping the Jenny script and sharing the aftermath of a punishment, then I’ll share the details of the punishment on the next post.    

This isn’t even about a punishment I received, it is Kayla’s.  What?  “In three months of no posting you didn’t receive a single noteworthy spanking?”    Yep.  I mean, not that I wasn’t spanked, but nothing noteworthy.  Anything I share of the last two or three months would be indistinguishable from other posts about punishments.  I can’t motivate myself to write about something that is so derivative of prior posts.  So instead, I will write about Kayla.  What makes it noteworthy is that it marks an evolution in our relationship.   

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES
Like most relationship changes, they come slowly and as part of a change in someone.  The “initiator” recognizes a need for change before the other person does.  The initiator often stays silent for some time as they first try to understand and reconcile what that change means for themselves.   Even once they do, they sometimes are unsure how to articulate exactly what this change is.  Then there is some trigger, a tipping point, and they verbalize this change.  

In this case, the tipping point involved a punishment Mike gave Kayla.  I’ll share the details in the next post, but basically, it surprised me.  Not in its severity – it was not severe. It was just very different. 

I’ve learned to trust Mike and not question or worry about Kayla in regards to her discipline.  In fact, it was exactly a year ago that I learned that lesson well re Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.  That lesson was about learning to approach my concerns from a point of curiosity and of seeking clarity.   This was especially important when it came to issues dealing with Kayla and my concern that Mike remain on point with providing the discipline she wants and needs.  

TRIAD THURSDAY – KAYLA’S DECLARATION
We’ve started calling our Thursday Maintenance sessions “Triad Thursday” since, about eight months ago, we turned this into a family meeting of sorts with me, Mike, and Kayla all coming together for Maintenance.   As Kayla’s punishment in question happened on a Thursday, I felt it was a great opportunity to find clarity and resolve my concerns. 

Kayla’s reaction to my inquiry surprised me.   She said something like, 

“Jen, this is a great example of something that’s been bothering me but I haven’t been able to put my finger on.  I know you love me and are only looking out for me, but that’s the thing, I don’t need you to be looking out for me that way.   At least, not when it comes to the things Sir says or does to me.  Even though your questions are respectful, it still hurts me to have you question his disciplining of me.   If you want to know how I feel about a punishment I received, you can ask me.  Don’t bring it to a Maintenance.  This is not a Maintenance issue.”

Followed by. . . 

 “I want to be treated more like a wife to both of you than a “lesser third in a Triad. I don’t want you as a mother, I want you as a friend, a partner, a confidant, a lover.”

Wow.   Yep. Those were her words.  She said it didn’t come out exactly how she intended, but, that yeah, the essence of it is all in there.  It’s hard to hear someone say that.  Your mind just hears, “I don’t want you.”  Thus, my defenses were triggered, but fortunately, my defensiveness didn’t last long.  I credit my years of training as a counselor and my generous and empathetic heart.  Yep, it had absolutely nothing to do with the stern look and word my initial response got from Mike. 

Brushing aside my bruised ego, what quickly ensued was a meaningful dialogue between the three of us.  I’ll spare the blow-by-blow, but it was positive, constructive, and loving.  The short version is this — Our relationship with Kayla is two years old, and Kayla is now 24.   While she was always mature beyond her years, she has grown a lot in those two years.  And ” a lot” is an understatement.   Her needs have changed.  Not as it relates to her submission, but as it relates to me.   

I had given up on being a disciplinarian to Kayla some time ago.  Part due to my own needs as a submissive and part due to her no longer desiring it.   And when she first moved in with us I was very much a “helicopter girlfriend” as I was very concerned for her well being.   And while I didn’t do this nearly as much, I still hovered over her needs in a motherly sort of way.   She was declaring her independence from my motherly type concerns for her.   Good for her!   And because I have been prone to sarcasm, I’ll state that there was no sarcasm in that statement.  Only pride, joy and love.  

SECOND WIFE?
We have been using the term “second wife” for a while in describing Mike’s relationship with Kayla.  Mostly in jest, but there is a tinge of seriousness to it, as there often is in humor.  But we had never once used that word to describe her relationship with me.   But she was right.  What has been evolving, and what her declaration just formalized, is that indeed, our relationship has crossed over to be more of that of “spousal peers.”   That was the term I came up with and she said, “Yeah, that’s it, that’s what I am trying to articulate.”     

It isn’t that she didn’t appreciate how she was treated before — she loved how we have treated her and credits it with her tremendous growth as a person.  It is simply that her needs have changed, and she is looking to be treated in a way that is consistent with her current needs.     

She is no longer that young woman who wants or needs my protection.  She is simply that young woman who wants and needs my love.  I should not go to Mike when I have a concern about Kayla that I have not yet shared with Kayla.  That is no different than how Kayla has treated me since the beginning.

While “wife” has legal connotations, it also has a lot of emotional ones.  And Kayla expressed she wanted the mantle of that title, not just between her and Mike, but between me and her. . . albeit an informal, non-legally binding title.   And for her it isn’t about any of the legal rights bestowed on that title. She is not interested in any of that.  She is interested in the standing it gives her in our family dynamic regarding how she is treated by me and by Mike.  It was easy to grant her this and both Mike and I committed to treating her this way from now one, whole-heartedly.   

There were no ill feelings from our conversation.  I truly lost my defensive feelings very quickly.  In addition, Mike reminded me how important it was for me to be so involved in her discipline and be overly sensitive to her needs in the early days of the relationship.  Even if I wasn’t administering discipline, I was often providing feedback to Mike, and not just because I would easily give it, but because he would frequently seek it.   While Kayla credits Mike for how wonderful of a Dom he is for her, Mike was quick to remind her that it came with a lot of insights from me.   

With a little reflection, any bruised ego or defensiveness I felt was quickly replaced with positive feelings.  Kayla’s “declaration” is part of the success of her growth that I have played a part in.  Far from feeling defensive, I feel admiration, love, pride, and joy – both to and from Kayla.  

Now, I know most of you pervs are saying, “Finally, you made your point.  Now, just tell us what the hell Kayla did and how she was summarily punished for it!”   Next post!

Post.  Love is not Pie

190. Web Cam Virgin

I wouldn’t blame Kayla for saying “Enough already!”  But, she loves talking about it as much as we do.  Yes, Kayla, Mike,and I talk a lot about her budding relationship with Michaud.

WHAT IF?
While it seems Michaud is good with a “let’s deal with it when it happens” mindset, Kayla wants to be prepared.  She appreciates our help talking through how she might handle the potential pitfalls.  We’ve probably gone through a hundred “What if’s…?”   Not that playing “what if” is perfect. It’s hard to really know what you feel when something is abstract and you’re thinking, “that will never happen.”  But it is still a nice bonding experience because you can talk about difficult scenarios while in a calm and loving state of mind.  Of course, when it’s “real” you have to deal with judgement that may be blurred or influenced by high emotions.  While imperfect conjecture, we found it helping talking through “what if’s?” 

We’ve only experienced Michaud through Kayla’s eyes.  We haven’t met him, but thus far he sounds like a good fit for her.  We have purposely avoided meeting him right now.  We think it is best to let Kayla and Michaud create the foundation of their relationship on their own. Mike and I are going to be a big enough presence anyway, so we are sensitive to trying to give them their own space to carve out.  We figure making him meet us or having him hang out with us would just make it harder for their relationship to solidify.

Kayla said he is laid back, easy-going, non-judgmental, with a dry and somewhat sarcastic sense of humor.  He doesn’t seem to sweat the small stuff.  She describes him as having beautiful dreamy eyes, thick eyelashes that say “come to me” when he blinks. We’ve seen pictures and he is good looking.

CAM PLAN
I asked Kayla about the logistics of cam’ing.  (Mike gave permission for her to have cam sex with Michaud, Post 188. The Cock Block…).  I get the getting naked and playing with yourself, but, how do you start?  Kayla said she never done it.  She’s done some nude pics before, and showed her breasts on face time, but never did video sex with anyone. She’s a cam-virgin!  She said she would probably just say, “So, wanna see me naked?”  She will do a strip tease for him, and once naked, ask him to undress.  From there, yeah, just show off the bod and masturbate for each other.”  Of course, I don’t know why I was over thinking it. 

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION
Mike and I could hear her in her room while she cam’d with Michaud.  We were tempted to peak but we resisted.  He could hear muffled sounds of their voices when they talked, and could clearly discern the sound of her orgasm.  Eventually they said goodbye and signed off. 

Kayla came to our room and Mike and I were in bed, but awake.  We asked her how it went and she said, “Great.”  My response was, “And?”  To which she replied, “And I enjoyed it.”  Again I questioned, “And?”   She gave another coy response of “And I think he enjoyed it too?”

Then she burst out giggling like a school girl and said, “and he has a nice cock!”  “And he is uncircumcised.”  Kayla had never seen an uncircumcised penis, at least not live (or in this case, live on camera).  Neither have I!  “So how big?” I had to know.  Maybe a little bigger than Mike, but a little skinnier.  Kind of like John’s, but maybe a little smaller, so yeah, like in-between Mike and John.”

BUSHY BUSH
“And,” she added, “he was very manscaped.  Not completely shaved, but a very close trim. I told him it looked great.”  And she said Michaud commented on her bush, which, wasn’t trimmed at all.  Neither Kayla or I haven’t trimmed or shaved our pubic hair since our Immersion, about four months ago.  Mike told us to grow it out.  No particular reason other than he wanted to “change up the view.”   Kayla said she has never had this much hair down their.  She said she has been trimming or shaving since she first started growing pubes.  I think that’s pretty typical for millennials.

Anyway, she said Michaud immediately reacted with a “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that?”  He wasn’t complaining, just surprised.  Just as Kayla has never had a boyfriend with an uncircumsized penis, he had never had a girlfriend with a full bush.  And I use the term “full” a bit loosely.  Kayla’s not that hairy of a person, and it looks just “normal,” not wild and crazy full.

MIKE MADE ME DO IT
In keeping with Mike’s instructions, Kayla told Michaud that she grew it out because Mike commanded it.  I previously shared that Mike told Kayla that if there any actions of hers that she did that were due to his demands, she must admit this to Michaud and not hide it or sugar coat it by making it seem like it was her choice or preference.   I was very impressed that Kayla remembered this. 

It was clearly an awkward moment to have to say something like that.  Kayla said it did cause a temporary “buzz kill” to the mood.  They spent some time talking about it.  She was naked, they were talking about her bush, and he was still clothed, and they are talking about Mike’s requirements of her.  Awkward probably doesn’t come close.  But they got through it.

Michaud said, “Damn, is there anything about you that Mike doesn’t control?”  To which Kayla said, “Michaud, I can hear from your tone that this bothers you. Thank you for saying something as I want to explain and help you get comfortable with this because you will likely hear it a lot.  It is who I am and I know it is a difficult thing to ask of you, but for us to work I need all parts of me to be appreciated, even the parts you may not be part of.  She went on to restate things she has told him before about her need to be Mike’s submissive.  And they talked about it for about ten minutes.

This reminds me of an analogy I used to explain the conclusion I made about my sister’s questions about my dynamic.  It would be easy for me to get frustrated explaining the same thing over and over to my sisters.  Then I realized that in many ways, getting comfortable with my kink is a lot like learning a new language.  You need repetition to understand it better.  This helped me maintain my patience in answering their questions, which were (and still are) often repetitive.  Sharing this analogy with Kayla helped her be prepared for Michaud’s repeat questions.  The last thing you want is the questioner,who is already a bit frustrated, to be answered by someone who is equally annoyed.  

She gave Michaud another way to think of Mike.  She said, “Think of Mike a bit like my psychologist or some specialty doctor.”  If she was seeing a specialist that was uniquely able to help her with something that Michaud could not, that isn’t a short coming for Michaud.  His role in her life is still cherished and valued – but in ways that are different from Mike and from me and again, it reflects her “special” needs and not anything that is wrong with Michaud. 

It obviously wasn’t that much of a buzzkill as they eventually go back to “business.”  I am sure that won’t be the last time she needs to reassure him.  And maybe soon it will be during cam sex, minus the cam!   

Next:  191. Spanking, sex, and a question

 

  

186. Kayla gets a Boyfriend

PREAMBLE
I believe that everyone should have exactly as much sex as they do or don’t want to have, with whomever they do or don’t want to have it, in whatever fashion they do or don’t want to have it.  Only two conditions; 1. Legal consent must be present.  2.  You must be transparent with your committed partner(s) regarding your sexual activities that do not include them.  If those conditions apply, then no one needs to justify their sexual choices.

Not sure why I felt compelled to share that, but I did.  With that out of the way. . .

KAYLA’S PLUS ONE PART TWO
This is a continuation of my last post, Kayla’s Plus One.

So Kayla told Michaud about her being Mike’s submissive as well as her overall dynamic with Mike and I.  Not every detail mind you, but the “big stuff” that allowed him to understand what he was getting into if he wanted to pursue a relationship with Kayla.

HIS REACTION
Simply put, it went well.  Kayla was happy and that is all that matters.  Michaud still wants to see her, albeit a bit bewildered.  

She told us he did have a lot of questions after all.  Turned out, he was suspicious that something “unique” was going on with her but couldn’t place it.  He purposely didn’t pepper her with questions.  He was concerned that he might offend her if he presumed something incorrectly.  I can see how awkward it could have been if he questioned her “collar” with some BDSM or M/s reference only for Kayla to say, “Uh, what are you talking about?”   

He had concerns about what it could mean for them in the long run if things get really serious.  However, after they talked about it he resolved this much like we have.  Michaud’s view was, “Why worry about that now.  We only know a little bit about each other at this point.  Let’s not create problems that don’t exist and see where it takes us.  We can deal with problems when we are actually faced with them.”  I believe this is the perfect mindset to have in this situation.   

He very clearly told her that he does not want to stop seeing her and that this “only intrigues him more.”  He told Kayla, “There are a lot more layers to you than I thought.  I find you very interesting, not as an oddity, but as in, I want to understand this girl more.”

He had questions trying to understand what the D/s dynamic was about.  Lunch in a restaurant wasn’t conducive to such detailed talks.  Kayla told him that she needed to get home as she has chores to do, but she should be available after dinner to Face Time or Skype or whatever they use – “assuming Mike allowed it.”  Their lunch ended with a hug and kiss, so clearly he took it well.

SHARING THE MEAT AND POTATOES OF HER DYNAMIC
Last night they talked for about two hours.  Kayla was very clear on how things were and needed to be.  She shared with him the fulfillment she gets from being submissive to Mike, the types of behaviors she gets punished for, what Mike and I mean to her, a little bit about what types of discipline she receives, and that she has sex with Mike and I “all the time.”  Okay, maybe that is more than “meat and potatoes.”  A bit of salad and desert too?   Whatever the idiom, suffice to say she shared plenty, but not every detail.  

Kayla also asked him plenty of questions about what he thought.  His biggest concern was about her availability to be with him given her “obligations” to Mike and I.  She told him that she would work out something with Mike.  She said they simply should get together whenever they could do so.  She told him, “The answer may be no sometimes, but that’s just the way it is, no different than if I were working, had other family obligations, school, etc.”  

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP COMMITMENT IS THIS?
Michaud asked Kayla if she planed on pursuing more sexual relationships.  She said the way he put it was, “Just how many boyfriends or girlfriends are enough?”

Kayla jokingly responded with, “Who said you and I were ever having sex?  Assuming you are able to woo me, here’s how it works with me. . . ”  Kayla told him it wasn’t about “enough” and she wasn’t going to commit to anything regarding other relationships.  She did say that she has no plans to pursue more relationships, but in all honesty she can only commit to him that she would be open and honest when and if she had the desire to seek additional relationships.    

Further, Kayla asked for, and received, an equal commitment from him that if their relationship got to be “too much” for him, he should share those feelings with her and share them quickly, not letting them fester.  From the sound of it, it seems Kayla has her head on straight when it comes to this poly stuff!

They talked about Michaud being free to pursue other relationships.  They wouldn’t consider themselves exclusive to each other, but would consider themselves “responsible” to each other regarding not hiding other relationships.   This was all new to Michaud.  He has only been in “traditional” relationships until now.  And Kayla jokingly added, “Yeah, those kind where people cheat.”  She did so because Michaud had shared some prior relationship experiences of being both the cheater and being cheated on.

Kayla also suggested that he read up on poly relationships so he could better understand the potential pitfalls, along with the potential fulfillment, they can bring.   

Michaud asked Kayla if he was required to meet with Mike.  Kayla told him, as we had already discussed, that no, there was no “requirement” for him to meet Mike (or me).  Both Mike and I believe her thing with Michaud is “her thing.”  It does not include us.  Not that we are opposed to ever meeting him, but, it is not a prerequisite.  Such meetings don’t have to be more than him dropping by to see Kayla or pick her up.  Michaud was good with that.

Overall, Kayla said Michaud was “good” with everything.  While he had several answers that were, “we will just have to see how that plays out,” there wasn’t anything he seemed overly concerned with or that he objected to.

From her account of the conversation, it seems Kayla was unapologetic about her dynamic with us.  She seemed to convey a strong resolve in staying committed to our dynamic and was frank and honest in her answers so as not to set an unrealistic view of how things are or will be.  She presented our dynamic as very much a part of who she is and Michaud must accept it, else he is rejecting who she is and that would be that.  Thus far he has accepted it.   But, talk is one thing.  When you start living it, human emotions take over and things get “real.”

JEALOUSY
Kayla, Mike, and I had another discussion on what to be prepared for, namely regarding jealousy.  For instance, at some point Michaud may want to know why she isn’t submissive to him, or why Mike has a level of control over her that he does not have.  It may be irritating to Michaud for Kayla to have to be accountable to Mike.  Even more irritating is simply knowing your girlfriend does things for someone else that they won’t do for you, whether mundane acts of service or something sexual.  It is only natural for someone to have a hard time with that.   They didn’t have that conversation yet, but it is best to have it soon, before such feelings fester.

We even talked about the risk that either Mike or I could become jealous.  Mike half-jokingly said, “Well, I can always play the Dom-card.”  He added, “But seriously, we want you to have a fulfilling relationship with Michaud and it is up to you to sense when you need more or less fulfillment from us or more and less from him.  It would be unfair for me to impose anything that took away from your fulfillment.  Of course, the caveat being I will step in if I sense you are fooling yourself or Michaud regarding what you get and give to your relationship together.  Is that understood?”

“Yes, Sir,” Kayla smiled.

“And not that I am fond of repeating myself,” added Mike, but given your spanking yesterday, I will reassure you yet again.  We are very happy for you and encourage you to pursue a relationship with Michaud to the extent YOU want to do so.  Don’t feel obligated to us.  Stay obligated to yourself, your feelings, your needs, your desires.  That is what brings us the greatest joy.  My role as your Dom is not to dictate what fulfills you, but to lead you to what fulfills you, even if that means you want to spend more time with Michaud than us.  Is that understood?

“YES, SIR,” Kayla said loudly and proudly.

ADMINISTRIVIA
Oh, and Kayla told him he needed to get tested for STD’s.  She reciprocated and offered to have Mike and I do the same if he wanted that (we discussed this before hand).  At first he was a bit reluctant, saying it just seemed “weird” to do that, but he eventually said he understood why and that it was probably a good idea.  He would get tested and he asked that the three of us do as well.

Off to the doctor!   See, already something we have to do because of Michaud!  I told you relationships can complicate things!  (Sarcasm implied).  Oh the things we do for This Thing we Do!

NEXT:  187. Happy Wife. Happy Life.

80. Breakthrough – what a week.

I have only previously blogged about stuff that has happened and that I resolved already, or perhaps that happened and I resolve within my next post.  Sorry that this has turned into my own little soap opera where the plot lines barely budge.  Such is life!

So yes, once again my topic is about Kayla.  But, if you can stand this awfully long post, there was a breakthrough today!!.  No, not a clearer path forward, but, to be exact, clearer paths from which to choose, with “choice” being the operative word.

I thought about breaking this up into two posts, but this is already my fifth straight post about this situation that all started less than a week ago. (If  you want to start from the beginning, you can start at 76. Meet the Babysitter).  I don’t want to bore you and thus think it is time to put this topic to rest until there is some clearer resolution.  I’ll try to post about something else next time.

I left off at my last post stating that I asked Kayla to better articulate how she envisions our relationship if it were to become sexual.  She doesn’t have classes on Friday’s and spent practically the entire day with me, from about 8 this morning until about 4.  Oh, here’s a chance to share a bit more with you about Kayla.

MORE ABOUT KAYLA
She graduates in a few months.  She is leaning towards taking the Spring semester off and starting grad school next fall.  Her father does well and I think both her parents make up for some of their shortcomings by providing financial support.  While she has worked a few part-time jobs here and there, she has mostly volunteered her time.  Her parents (mostly her dad) fully pay for her school and give her a nice monthly allowance and she has a car.

She has talked about moving out of her mom’s at the end of this semester and getting her own apartment but would need a roommate to make it work.  Even if she wouldn’t start classes until next fall, her dad offered to up her allowance and help with living expenses if she does decide to enroll in a Master’s program for next fall and decides to move out at the end of this semester.   Even with that help she wants a roommate to keep the costs down and just feels safer living with someone.  She is currently talking to friends and looking for roommate prospects.

I would share more about her parents but since I am using her real name I figure I shared enough already.  Suffice to say there are some challenges she has faced in her upbringing that make it all the more remarkable that she does not have the types of personal issues you might expect.  She credits having a couple of good role models – Her aunt and us!

I was touched by her telling us this.  She shared more about how she always paid close attention to how people interacted and was very aware that her parents were not representative of how it could be or how it should be.  While there were times it was tough to not blame herself, she mostly understood it as their problem, not her problem, and thus didn’t take a lot of the disappointment personally.  She said that both her aunt and us were so loving and nurturing that she never fully felt “wrong, weird, or unloved.”  I think that is amazing, especially when she talks about thinking that way when she was a little girl.  Sad that a child had to show that maturity, but I guess it is also fortunate that she did because it allowed her to cope in more positive ways.   Yes, I feel she has some abandonment issues, but she doesn’t do drugs and appears to be very stable emotionally.

She said she always felt older than she was, which is why her friends always tended to be 3-5 years older than her, if not more.  It was also why she loved to hang around us so much.  I can’t tell you how many times over the years she would come over or join me on an outing, offering to help even when it wasn’t for pay.   When her parents divorced when she was 15, she stayed with us for about week as her dad moved out and her mom “came to terms” (I’ll just call it that), with her new reality.

BACK TO OUR CONVERSATION
I asked her what her “dream” relationship with us would look like.

She admitted that she was still formulating that in her mind, and that she thought having time to think all this through was beneficial.   She has also been reading up on Domestic Discipline and Dom/sub relationships.  She said the thought of all of that is new, but not completely foreign.  She did have a boyfriend once who liked to tie her up, just her hands and legs.  She found it very thrilling and likes the thought of giving up control, but, that was specifically around sex and not day-to-day or with spanking.  She has never been spanked before.

She said a part of her just wants to have fun, more the “F*ck Buddy” scenario, a casual sexual relationship.  She used John and Donna as an example.  She asked, “Why not just something like that?”

I responded that certainty that was one of the options we’ve been talking about and then I went into all my previously stated concerns that could result.

But, she said she does think about something more intimate, more of a relationship.  She’s already the third wheel in a casual sexual relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend.  She said she definitely doesn’t want a second one like that and would stop having sex with them if the three of us were having sex.  But she said the thoughts of that just don’t seem as fulfilling to her as what she would like to have right now.

She said she also can envision being part of our dynamic, a “fellow sub.”    Ugg, that word “fellow” is a trigger word for me, I had to remind myself to stay compassionate and loving as she meant no harm in using those words.

I held back my impulse to say, “Look missy, you will never be “fellow” anything.  The pecking order would be Mike, me, and THEN you, get it.  We may both submit to Mike, but you follow my lead too, and don’t think for a second you’ll somehow have less expected of you than what is expected of me…blah, blah, blah, anger, anger, anger.”

Instead, I did say, “again, that is one of the options we’ve been talking about and in that arrangement, I would not be comfortable with you as a “fellow sub.”   While to some extent we would be in it together, I would also want you to defer to me in some way.  I haven’t figured out what that means yet, but I know that one of my stumbling blocks is that I cannot accept you a peer.  A close friend, confidant, and lover, yes, but, “peer”, no.  I told her this is my hang-up for thinking this way, not her hang-up for wanting it that way.  Perhaps over time I could see it differently, but I know that is not going to change any time soon.”

We also talked about my concern for her thinking it as a “game.”  After all, she would have her life to go back to.  It is hard to be a part-time sub.   What, she comes over for a few hours and is submissive?  I just don’t see that working.  In order for me to be comfortable I need to feel she is more committed.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?
Then Kayla had an epiphany that perhaps seems obvious to you, but Mike and I missed it.  What if she moved in with us?   Yikes, a whole different proposition and potential for problems.

Let me give a bit more context about the potential living arrangements.  We have a four bedroom house and we have a large master bedroom that has double doors to enter.  When you enter, immediately off to the left is a whole other bedroom.  To the right it goes into the master bedroom.   When the house was built we had an option of putting a door in the hallway to lead to the fourth bedroom, or, leave the hallway wall intact, and put the door on the inside of the master bedroom entry way.  We opted for that because when my son was smaller, we liked him being basically right next to us.  We later installed another set of doors to the right of the master entry way, such that when you enter the double doors, to your left is the door to the spare bedroom, and the right is another door into the master.   We did this for added privacy, and because we have used that room as a guest room and someone usually has to sleep in it when all my boys are home at the same time.

Well, if I suspend all judgement just for the moment and entertain the thought of her moving in, it would make sense that we could make that Kayla’s room.  We also have one other spare bedroom, but it used a lot by my other son when he is home, and still has a lot of his stuff in it.  Our fourth room has become my husband’s office.

Then there is the issue of my son.  It may help to understand a bit more about his relationship with Kayla.  Although there is only a 5 year age difference chronologically, with my son’s special needs he is more like an 11-12 year old on many levels vs 16.   And Kaya, as I already talked about, is wise beyond her years and perhaps is more like a 30-year-old than 21.  And my son sees her the same way.  When he was actually about 8-9 years old he started calling her Ms. Kayla, even though she was 13-14 at the time.   We joked at that time that perhaps subconsciously our son figured out that since Kayla now had breasts, she deserved the title of “Ms.” Whatever the reason, he has looked at her as an adult for some time.  Furthering that mindset is that many times for many years, we’ve told him before, “let the adults talk” or “don’t worry, that is something us adults can be concerned with.”  Yet we were including Kayla as one of those “adults” even though she was a young teen at the time.

What I am trying to say is that their relationship is not that of a playmate, but as a caregiver.  This doesn’t change any of the concerns I shared, because I have known this since the beginning, I just didn’t clarify that with you, the reader.  So don’t think my sharing it now is a way of justifying acceptance of her moving in, it is not.  I just wanted you to have the full context.  My concerns remain.

I told Kayla that I hadn’t considered the idea of her moving in.  That definitely would show a greater commitment to us, so my concern is whether or not her commitment to us would match ours to her.  I can only imagine that it can be very difficult and it would be easy to develop “third wheel syndrome.”   It would take effort on all our parts to avoid this.

I went on to share that if we did that, I don’t see it working unless she became submissive to Mike.  She couldn’t be living her AND has a casual sexual relationship.   We would even need her to write a contract, similar to mine (not identical unless she wanted).  I asked her to go ahead and work on one so we could talk about it.  I half regret saying that as it seems like a self-fulfilling thing.   Her writing one creates momentum towards it actually happening, and that momentum may be hard to stop.   I was clear that I was not committed to any particular path forward yet.  I have a lot of concerns, but some of them could be answered in knowing what kind of structure she would willing to live under.

At that point I don’t know if I was feeling better, or worse, about where things are.  Still a bit confused and it still seemed like it is moving too fast – even though at this point we are just talking options and all agreed not to pursue anything right away.

A BREAKTHROUGH
I shared this with Mike.  He said that he has definitely heard me and my concerns and while he doesn’t share all of them, he completely understands why I feel as I do and that he would have a hard time demanding something of me that where I have so many doubts.  He said there are some things where he feels he knows me better than I do, so is able to request something of me that perhaps in the moment I might not like.  However, he can see that I have given this a lot of thought and it could be a disaster if he forced a solution.  Sounds good, but then he said, “But, ultimately, while Kayla can decide for herself, I am the decider for us and if I believe we can address your concerns, then so be it.”

When he said this, my first reaction in my mind way, “Oh, he just wants to play with me and keep me in suspense while also keeping the mantle of Dom.”  But, he didn’t say it in a playful tone.

Then it hit me!  This is the root of my hang-ups.  Kayla has a say, because she is deciding for herself, and I don’t.  This is about my need to not be “less than” Kayla.   Even though it was no one’s intentions for that, clearly, she has more power in this situation than I do, so in that respect, I may be subject to her will, assuming Mike agrees with her.

THAT’S MY ISSUE.   That is jealously and resentment at its’ finest!

I realized that for the most part I was able to talk calmly with Kayla about the possibilities, entertaining the pros and cons of each.  But my resentment raises its ugly head once it comes down to thinking about an actual decision that I don’t have final say in or if she uttered any words that inferred we were equal.  I was not feeling equal, I was feeling “less than” so in reaction, I wanted to be sure that whatever we did made it clear I was not her equal.

It became clear to me that I don’t just want to be an advocate for my feelings and hope that Mike sees it my way.  I need it to be my way.   How very un-sub of me!

I shared these thoughts with Mike, as I am required to.  Nothing says my thoughts have to be submissive, and I am required to share all my thoughts with Mike.  I just must maintain a respectful tone and ultimately agree with his decisions.   Also, while typically any difference of opinion I have on things are reserved for discussion during our Maintenance session, Mike already established an exception on the topic of Kayla, as he knew Kayla and I were talking daily and that he and I needed to openly discuss the issue on a daily basis.

IF IT PLEASES HIS LORDSHIP 
I went to Mike, took his hand, and kneeling before him I said, with an utmost respectful and overly formal tone, “Sir, with all your good grace, and in keeping with your spirit of wisdom and authority, and in knowing that I will act in revelation and fulfillment to your deepest desires and the best interests of our family, I humbly ask that you demand of me the task of being the decider on any changes in our relationship with Kayla.”  It may have helped that I stroked his cock while I said it.

In any event, he said, “Sure.”  Then he took on an English accent, waved his arm and proclaimed, “Let it be granted.”  Then said in a monotone, “but do it by the time the fall semester is over, if not sooner.”   We often use humor as a way of conveying how serious a matter is to us.  Seems backwards, but that’s how we roll!

Immediately, I felt a weight lifted.  Now I am energized to really work at a solution in a positive mindset.    And I don’t mean a solution that puts Kayla in our house or that does not put her in our house.  Just that I can now take time to talk with her and attempt to set all the right expectations for the both of us.  If we can’t come to a common understanding of how it should be, then we know it is simply not going to be.

So now a new doubt came to mind.  If you consider this a “negotiation,” which sounds so dull, but I guess reconciling our concerns is a type of negotiation, then is this negotiation fair?  Kayla is at a transition point in her life with moving out of her mom’s house, and the uncertainties that has may make living with us seem so much safer to her.  Will that persuade her to agree to something that perhaps she normally wouldn’t agree to?    That could be a set up for disappointment.   Ug, I think I over think this stuff.  I am always concerned about the decision we make that we think are for one reason, but later learn were influenced by other factors that we were oblivious to at the time.

I called Kayla and told her that when drafting a contract I want her to forget what I told her about my needs to not come across as a peer.  I told her if that made her comfortable, then that is what she needs to ask for.   I told her that the only way I am every completely going to let go of some of my concerns is if I feel confident that she is going into it not just committed, but truly on her own terms.  I said I am just as happy if she looks at what she writes and then decides, “Nope, I just can’t do that.”  We can then talk about whether the casual sex route is the way to go.  And if we don’t like the way that would be, then hey, we have had some amazing conversations, are closer than ever, and things continue a bit more like normal.

I FEEL BETTER! 
Still unclear where this will go, but better that we have three clear paths and the fortitude to take the one that is best for all.   Okay, I’ll admit, best for me. . . but, not in a selfish way.  Best for me means I am convinced that it is best for Kayla and Mike too. . . But ultimately, yes, best for me. . . there, I admit it, no qualifying it.

NEXT:  81. Expectations

68. reblog: To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This

This is all about making yourself vulnerable to someone. The effect of doing so causes them to reciprocate and the net effect is that you become closer to that person, perhaps even falling in love.

This was perfect in addressing some of what I was trying to convey in my post #67.

Next:  69.  Hot Dog!  Are you ready for some football?!?

Sex(uality) & the City

by Mandy Len Catron

This article was originally published in the Modern Love section of The New York Times.

UPDATED: You can now hear this essay read by the actress Gillian Jacobs in Modern Love: The Podcast. Look for the “play” button below or subscribe on iTunes or Google Play Music. You can also try “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love” here or by downloading a free app for your phone, tablet or other device.

More than 20 years ago, the psychologist Arthur Aron succeeded in making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory. Last summer, I applied his technique in my own life, which is how I found myself standing on a bridge at midnight, staring into a man’s eyes for exactly four minutes.

Let me explain. Earlier in the evening, that man had said: “I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with…

View original post 2,031 more words

10. My Approach to Our DD Contract

This is going to be a lengthy post as there are so many important points to share about creating a DD contract with your husband.   Not every couple actually creates a contract, but I believe most do.  I can’t imagine not having one.

The exercise of writing the contract was cathartic.   We had to reveal very personal thoughts and feelings and talk about things we never talked about in 20+ years of marriage and couples would never have reason to talk about absent putting together a DD contract. I wonder if putting together a DD contract would be good couples therapy, even if you never planned on going through with it?

Oh, remember when I said my life changed on March 17, 2015.  That was the date of our initial contract.  (Renegotiation is something I’ll explain in a bit). We made some changes at the 30 day mark.  We made our second contract good for six months and then our latest contract is good for 2 years.  We are more confident and comfortable in what we are doing and thrilled with the results.  It is that confidence and the success we’ve had that led me to decide to blog about my experience.

Tips to writing the contract:  I will share an overview of our approach and what we learned, and then I will share our actual contract with you on my next post.

I describe the authorship of our contract as somewhat collaborative, but I had the lead.  I know some DD relationships are based on the man setting the rules.  That wasn’t happening here.  This was about me surrendering myself to him, but it was a surrender on my terms.  It was a gift I was giving him, and I got to pick out the gift – with some suggestions from him.  Note some DD relationships explicitly say the woman is not giving a gift, as it is not hers to give, but is for her husband to take.  That’s not our version of DD.

Don’t overwrite:  At first we found ourselves putting in too many details.  You need to resist this as ultimately a DD contract is one of utmost trust in your partner and one of you submitting yourself to them.  If you water it down by trying to precisely prescribe every action, you take away power from your partner and are basically saying you do not trust them.  In addition, too many rules make the contract hard to follow and enforce, and will just bring frustration.

Think of the contract as a place to set basic expectations, and to refer back to for clarification of each other’s intent, but never to be used as a rule book to decide what action will be taken.  I was clear with Mike that I wanted him to take the action he deems appropriate and then we can refer back to the contract later if there are questions as to whether that action was in the spirit of the contract.  Doing so ensures that we ultimately stay consistent with what I intended while both not interfering with the power I am giving him and not causing a delay in punishments.  We concluded it was better to receive a punishment that ultimately is agreed to be outside my intent than to have had the punishment delayed because you had to find and interpret the contract.   Lastly, as we have now renegotiated our contract for the third time, there have been clarifications that we added to address ambiguities that arose that either I or Mike felt necessary to clarify and codify.  That’s another reason it is good to put a term limit on your contract.  I’ll talk more about our renegotiation process later.

Words are Power
I highly recommend taking time to talk about the meaning of the words you use in the contract.  I took our contract seriously and once signed there was no going back.  I wanted to be fully committed to seeing it through and living with the consequences.

It is important to ask your partner what a word or concept means to them to ensure you both have a common understanding.  I recall there were many words we spent a lot time talking about.  Here were the words and concepts I recall as being the most important to us to ensure we were on the same page.

• Promise Statement: Mike had the idea that we start the contract off with a statement that each of us would write.  A promise directly to each other. It is a bit sappy, but think of it is as a short love letter to each other.  Mike felt it was important that we shared and documented our individual reasons for establishing a DD lifestyle.  I told you he was a great guy!
• Duties and Obligations: I wanted everything I was agreeing to do to be referred to as my “duties and obligations.” I felt strongly about this wording as to me it conveys a strongly held conviction that you perform without condition.   A rule is something anyone can set, but a Duty and Obligation is a personal term.  It is something I own, I create, I commit to myself.   It was not just about some rules.
• Renegotiation: We wanted to be committed to the contract but also have an opportunity for change. We agreed to an initial 30 day term for our contract and then renegotiated a new six month agreement.  Our latest contract is good for 2 years.  We also set up rules for the renegotiation so that we could have candid discussions.  Mike and I entered renegotiations on the same “level” as we were on when we did our first contract – that is, I am not bound by any contract during the renegotiation.  Remember, I am in control here.  It is about what I want for myself, my husband, and my family, and I could not be submissive during a renegotiation.
• Reward: I was fine with referring to consequences as a “punishment,” but Mike felt that word was demeaning. (Remember, words mean different things to different people).  At first he wanted to call them “consequences” which again I was fine with.  But then I had an idea… We would call them Rewards. Since the punishments would be extremely important in helping me attain my goals, anything that helps me towards those goals would be a reward.  This term had the added impact of reminding Mike that I agreed to and wanted these punishments and it made it easier for him to accept delivering the punishments.  He would not be doing something that had a demeaning connotation to him or to me.  He was just “giving me my reward.”
• Purpose of Rewards It was extremely important to give meaning to my punishments.  I felt every swat on my bottom or every privilege revoked or whatever the “reward” was, must have a consistent meaning.  That meaning was to make me the person I want to be, for myself, for my family, and for my husband.   A spanking was not because my husband wished to inflict pain, or not because I wished to feel pain, but because I agreed, in advance, that the punishment was uncomfortable enough for me that I would likely not want it repeated. In setting the specific “rewards” we had to consider what would be appropriate to deliver the desired results in my actions.  This is where DD contracts need to be highly personalized as I image this must be different for everyone.  I am sure some of you would see my punishments as too light, while others too severe.  Also, the Rewards in our current contract are more severe than in our initial contract, as I have developed a greater tolerance and I wanted to ensure they continued to be effective.
• Transgression: So, what would we call it when I did something wrong?  “Infraction” sounded like “oops” which to me is weak and meaningless.  “Violation” sounded too dramatic or police-like.  “Rule” sounds arbitrary or infers they were handed down by someone else.  These were ours and ours alone.  I wanted a word that reflects a violation of a moral principle as I felt my duties were moral obligations to myself, my family, and my husband.  Thus, I came up with Transgression.
• Ceremony: We referred to the punishment session as a Ceremony.  There is often a ceremony to present awards, so we figured, why not call it a Ceremony when I received my Reward.  This was Mike’s idea by the way. This is another example of words being powerful.           Instead of….“Break a rule, get sent to my room for a spanking.”          It became….“I Transgressed and was going to a Ceremony to receive a Reward.”   Thinking of it this way often helped keep me from sulking and helped Mike in delivering the Reward.   We established procedures for the Ceremony to ensure Rewards were given in a calm, purposeful, and resolved manner.  Mike should never deliver them in anger.  Even if I did something that directly hurt him, the Ceremony “dignity” must always be maintained.  We made it clear the Ceremony was to ensure I would be reflective, remorseful, and surrendered, and we took time to identify what those words meant so that we were both on the same page.
• Sex: We had to address if this contract was going to include anything sexual.  In my mind sex and discipline are distinct, although I believe many DD contracts can be highly sexually based. Frankly, I’ve never seen another contract so who knows.  Our first contract did not have anything overtly sexually based – if you agree nudity and spanking are not inherently sexual.  However, we both realized that sexual based consequences could be extremely powerful.  In our latest contract I added in a “sex” clause.  I  went “all in” giving Mike full authority over my body regarding any sexual activity.  It was important to me to show him I was trusting him with everything, without exception.  That trust had to include my body.  It still excites me today to know he has this authority, which I regard more as an open invitation to experiment more than complete authority.  In case you wonder, Mike really hasn’t taken advantage of this clause as you might be imagining (not to say he has never evoked it – but that’s to share at another time).  My recommendation is initially leave it out – again sex is not discipline.  But as your DD relationship evolves you might find some sexual based consequences highly effective and desirable.  So what are my sex based Rewards?  At Mike’s suggestion we added in some mandated masturbation time (oh, darn, I guess I would just have to agree to that one).  And we added in Rewards that included breast binding, nipple clamps, anal plugs and palm slapping. (Nothing sexy about that last one).   I was finding that sometimes spanking wasn’t always giving me the level of discomfort I felt was effective. I always had a high pain threshold and was becoming desensitized to some degree.  We needed to escalate the sensations else the spanking session would have to get very lengthy and that would just not always be practical.  I mean, I didn’t want to tire out Mike’s hand!  In any event, I am sure some DD contracts are highly sexually charged and others completely devoid of sex.  I am glad we started with nothing pertaining to sex and allowed things to naturally progress.
• Always: Another word we used throughout the contract was “always.”  I felt it was important that expectations for myself were to be consistent and always expected without any exception.  In other words, I was asking Mike to strictly interpret things.
  I believe it is very important to make it clear that I was fully surrendering to him and that there would be no exceptions to what I was expecting of myself.
• Vague or Missing Terms: Every DD contract should make it clear where ultimate authority rests.  In case we forgot something or realized that what we wrote was hard to interpret in a real life situation, we wrote in a clause that made it clear that any ambiguity in the contract would be interpreted at Mike’s full discretion without consult or protest from me.  If I disagreed I could not immediately say anything. Instead, I was to accept his verdict and if I wished, discuss it at our Maintenance Session.  This is why words are so important.  I was giving him a lot of authority and I wanted to make sure he and I were on the same page regarding how the contract would help guide that authority.
• Maintenance Sessions:  Another extremely critical part of our contract and we approached this like no other DD relationship I read about.  It established a time where I can respectively ask for clarification regarding something that went on during the week.  Some DD couples would never do this as just the thought of such questioning would be considered disobedient.   It was important for us to have a common understanding of things and there is no way to have that without two-way conversation.Mike had ultimately final authority, but at least there was an avenue for me to get clarification.  Note I could seek clarification, but was not questioning his decision nor asking him to change it.  I could ask for clarification to ensure the Reward had the full impact that I intended for myself.In addition, Maintenance Sessions included a review of my journal, self-reporting of any transgressions and if any, Mike’s administering my reward for those transgressions, a “maintenance” reward, and alone time for self-reflection.  It got to the point that I very much looked forward to every Maintenance Session as it served as a milestone for marking my progress towards the person I wanted to become.  It also had a type of intimacy that I can’t describe but that I could never experience outside a Maintenance Session.  How many couples spend designated time where they both intimately focus on the needs of one of them?  Oh, and I also very much enjoyed the “meditation time” for self-reflection (i.e Mike’s mandate I mentioned earlier).

Now you understand a bit more about our approach to the contract.  Eventually I will share the actual contract, but next I’ll share an overview of how we structured it.

NEXT  – 11. Structure of our Contract

6. Submission and Accountability

I realized that I was tired of not being the person I wanted to be – of basically frequently letting myself down.  But still, how can I allow myself to be punished by my husband?

I realized that these punishments could be about accountability – accountability to myself.  If I were to be accountable to myself, then shouldn’t I accept certain consequences if I failed to meet my own duties and obligations?  These duties and obligations represent the things that are of utmost importance in my life, defining the person I want to be. They are, without doubt, worthy of my accountability.

Without some type of consequence other than my own personal disappointment, I could never be truly accountable.  I knew that absent new consequences I would fall back into dismissing responsibility for things that went wrong.  I would be back to, “oh well, I still did the right thing, even though it had the wrong outcome.”

So what would this new consequences be?   I thought hard about options other than spanking.   Time-outs, writing lines, standing in a corner, alone time, etc. – but those only involved me having to do something.  I needed consequences that my husband was involved in delivering.  I knew for me that ultimately it was my accountability to him and having him holding me accountable were both absolutely necessary for me to be successful. That was the turning point in realizing DD was going to be for me.

In order to be accountable to myself, I had to agree to spankings.  Once I reconciled this in my mind, a sense of release came over me.  It was quite a feeling.  It was at that moment that I realized what “submission” meant to me.   While still not fully sure what I was in for I began to relish the thought of my husband and I being committed to the things that were most important to me and yes, relish the thought of my submission to him.

That realization did not happen immediately and the few sentences I wrote here do not tell how I reconciled this in my mind.  Next I will share with you my thought process that allowed me to ultimately accept punishment as a consequence.

NEXT – 7. Accepting Punishment

3. The Search

I didn’t go looking for Domestic Discipline.  I was online looking up info on self-help as I often do and I stumbled across some DD information.  I heard of submissive/dominant relationships, but not DD.  My first reaction was quick – “No way!”

I am not submissive.  I was repulsed.  “How could any woman be involved in this misogynistic crap?”  DD meant that my husband would make the rules, boss me around, be overbearing, dominant, and demeaning and would spank me?  WTF!

My curiosity kicked in to see what could motivate someone to live this way, so I started reading, and reading, and reading.  The more I read, the more this “thing” began to take shape in my mind.  I discovered that yes, DD can be those things that I just described, but what if it could mean something different?  What if DD were simply a system for allowing me to meet expectations I set for myself, with some help from my husband?Ultimately this “thing” taking shape in my mind was my own version of DD.

Please note I said “my version” of DD.  I noticed many DD stories are different, although it seems like a lot are also trying to follow some pre-set rules about it, but that is mostly those that try to make it about religion.   Many DD relationships seemed ridiculous to me (and still do, but I know I shouldn’t get all judgey given my own DD lifestyle).  I saw a common theme in DD that resonated with me, and all I needed to do was shape that theme more precisely to my liking.  I probably knew within about thirty minutes of reading that I was on to something and I stayed up reading more.  By the end of that night I had a revelation – a moment of clarity that forever changed my life for the better.  I developed a two part plan to once again love life, every moment, every day.

Next – 4. The Plan.