Tag Archives: Domestic Discipline

380. Our Domestic Discipline Contract v3.2

I’ve said this before but it is worth stating again. I strongly believe in having a written Agreement regarding Domestic Discipline, D/s, or however you categorize your relationship. In fact, even if it is a Vanilla Agreement!

The most valuable thing about an Agreement is not about formulating specific rules and expectations, or even about clearly documenting each other’s commitment. IT IS ABOUT THE PROCESS OF DOING SO.

I think EVERY relationship would find tremendous benefits in sitting down and codifying what they agree to as to roles and responsibilities, and the desires and expectations they have of themselves and of the other person. That process is nothing short of mind-blowing! Even if, after you go through it, you trash the Agreement. It isn’t the Agreement that matters, it’s the process of getting to the Agreement that matters most.

The process requires a level of communication, transparency, and. . . wait for it. You know what’s coming. It’s my favorite relationship word of all time. You know it. You are already saying it. Yep, it’s Fuckability!

LOL. Of course not. It’s VULNERABILITY!

Although, the more of the latter in a relationship, the more of the former you present to each other!

I will post a few of the things we changed in my follow up post but want to mention that, thanks to the inspiration from comments on my prior post, we renamed the “Negotiation” section to “Confirmation.” The new term evokes a concept of mutually reviewing, verifying, adjusting, adding, removing, exploring, and agreement. You might say that this is just stupid. Well, words are power, and, I know you are, but what am I?

DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE CONTRACT

WordPress made a mess of the numbering and other formatting. This was done from a cut-and-paste from Word and clearly the Gutenberg (Block) editor doesn’t like that because, well, because why make this easy? Thanks, WordPress!

  1. Purpose
  2. Definitions
  3. Effective Date, Term, and Confirmation
  4. General Duties and Obligations
  5. Jennifer’s Specific Duties and Obligations
  6. Discipline
  7. Maintenance Sessions
    Exhibit A:  Mantras

Whereas Michael and Jennifer voluntarily and without pressure from the other or from anyone else, are entering into a loving, caring, and consensual agreement to codify and reinforce their commitments, duties, and obligations to one another for the Purpose stated below.

SECTION I. PURPOSE

This Agreement codifies Jennifer’s desires to conduct herself in ways that serve Michael and allows her to live the life she desires for herself – a life of living and loving every moment, every day, with purpose, fulfillment, and love.  

This Agreement codifies Michael’s desires to conduct himself in ways that demonstrate acceptance, support, and love for Jennifer’s desires to serve him.

Michael’s statement of intent: Jennifer, my love for you is absolute.  No limits.  No conditions. No judgments.  I admire, respect, cherish, and love all that you are and all that you do for me and our family.  I commit to always treating as you wish to be treated.  Thank you for the immeasurable trust and confidence you place in me.  Most importantly, thank you for loving me.  I intend to consistently adhere to your wishes in helping you live the life you strive to live and to be the person you strive to be.

Jennifer’s statement of intent: Michael, I found the perfect partner in life in you.  Words will never fully express my thanks, joy, admiration, fulfillment, and love that I receive from you and feel towards you every second of every day.  I wholeheartedly enter into this Agreement with you as yet another chapter in my desire to submit to you.  I look forward to consistently making choices that fulfill all my commitments to you with your leadership to guide me, lift me, and correct me when I do not.  I dedicate myself to you as my love, respect, and trust in you are without end.  It is my unqualified intent to be accountable to you for any and all of my behaviors.

SECTION II. DEFINITIONS

DISOBEDIENCE:
 A violation by Jennifer of her Duties and Obligations. 

DISCIPLINEA consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience. Other commonly understood terms for such consequences include but are not limited to “correction,” “discipline,” “correction,” “punishment,” and “reprimand.” The forms of Discipline are specified in Section VI.7.

CONFIRMATION: A process of mutually reviewing, verifying, adjusting, adding, removing, exploring, and agreeing on all aspects of this Agreement to make certain it best reflects the desires of Michael and Jennifer.  

MAINTENANCE:  A meeting, ideally weekly but as mutually agreed upon, between Michael and Jennifer to discuss topics either party wishes to discuss. 

HONESTY:  A behavior that lacks embellishment, deceit, disingenuousness, or withholds whole or

OBEDIENCE: Behavior that demonstrates submission to Michael’s authority in compliance with this Agreement.


SECTION III. EFFECTIVE DATE, TERM, AND CONFIRMATION

  1. TERM and TERMINATION: Michael and Jennifer agree to these terms effective March 17, 2021.  These terms remain valid until March 17, 2024 (“Termination Date”). This Agreement shall terminate on March 17, 2024, unless amended as mutually agreed upon.
  2. CONFIRMATION DATE: Michael and Jennifer shall meet starting no later than February 17, 2021 (“Confirmation Date”), to begin confirmation of a new agreement. If the parties are unable to meet by the Confirmation Date or are unable to complete the Confirmation on that day, both parties must mutually agree on alternative and or additional Confirmation Date(s).
  3. CONFIRMATION MEETING:  Michael and Jennifer will discuss and agree upon any desired changes to this Agreement.  It is not a critique of anyone’s past performance under the Agreement and discussions are focused on what is desired for the future. Michael will call the meeting to order by declaring, “Confirmation of our Domestic Discipline Agreement shall now begin.”
  4. SUSPENSION OF THIS AGREEMENT: Upon Michael’s declaration that Confirmation has begun, all aspects except Section III of this Agreement are suspended.  Jennifer enters Confirmation on equal terms as Michael, no longer submissive to him.  Jennifer speaks first to recognize that she is the primary author of this Agreement and can consider Michael’s input at her discretion.  If Confirmation must continue into a second or subsequent meetings, Jennifer will declare, “This Confirmation will continue on {stated date and/or time} and I am once again bound by our existing Agreement.”  Upon that declaration, the Suspension of this Agreement ends and the existing Agreement is in full effect until Michael calls the next Confirmation meeting to order.  Once this Agreement is signed, Jennifer will then declare, “This Confirmation is now over and I am bound by our new Agreement.”

SECTION IV. GENERAL DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

  1. FOR JENNIFER: Jennifer shall, at all times, be Honest, Obedient, and Safe in her daily life, and to adhere to all aspects regarding the moral commitments she has made under this Agreement.  Jennifer shall defer to Michael’s judgment in determining if her behavior is Disobedient and defer to Michael’s judgment in determining proper Discipline.  If Jennifer has any concerns about Michael’s execution of her Discipline, she will accept that Discipline and respectively discuss her concerns during Maintenance Sessions.  Jennifer accepts Michael’s commands not because she is any less than Michael, but because Jennifer accepts Michael’s authority over her.
  2. FOR MICHAEL: Michael shall strive to never hesitate to hold Jennifer accountable for any behavior that is not consistent with her Duties and Obligations.  Michael commits to communicating his expectations and desires with Jennifer, however prurient, patriarchal, or misogynistic they may be interpreted by Jennifer or others as long as those expectations and desires are consistent with this Agreement.  Michael will strive to be stern and maintain a somber and serious tone in administering Discipline.

SECTION V. JENNIFER’s SPECIFIC DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

Jennifer’s Duties and Obligations consist of (A) Honesty, (B) Obedience, and (C) Safety.

  1. HONESTY:  Jennifer’s shall always be unquestionably honest with Michael, behaving in a way that cannot be disputed or doubted.  Jennifer shall always treat others with honesty, subject to Section V. 3.2.Evaluating her honesty is at Michael’s discretion.  Any doubt Michael has to Jennifer’s honesty is sufficient to be labeled as dishonest.  

  2. OBEDIENCE: Includes (1) Respect Michael as Head of Household, (2) Physical Self Care, (3) Emotional Self-Care, (4) Finances

    1. RESPECT MICHAEL AS HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD consists of 10 (ten) components: a) Respectful Tone, Acknowledgement, and Demeanor, b) Promptness, c) Sexual Obedience, d) Homemaker, e) Mantras, f) Availability and Awareness, g) Permission, h) Deference, i) Loyalty, j) Assignments.
      1. Respectful Tone, Acknowledgement, and Demeanor:  Jennifer shall maintain, at all times, whether in public or in private, a respectful tone in speaking to Michael; avoiding a tone that Michael interprets as rude, dismissive, frustrated, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to him; responding to Michael with “Yes Sir” or “No Sir” or “Thank you, Sir” as appropriate; never cuss at Michael.
      1. Promptness: Jennifer shall do what Michael expects or tells her to do without hesitation and without body language that Michael may interpret as rude, dismissive, or that conveys that Jennifer is in any way inconvenienced by Michael’s request, or is in any way displeasing to Michael, no matter the time or place of his request.
      1. Sexual Obedience: 
        1. Michael may demand any sexual or physical activity to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person, anytime and anywhere, and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Anything.  Anyone.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Without hesitation.   Jennifer is not allowed to have sex with anyone other than Kayla without Michael’s express permission.  Jennifer may use the next Maintenance Session to air her concerns and request any modifications or cessation of a particular act that Michael demanded.  Michael shall comply with Jennifer’s request
        1. Jennifer must share with Michael all of her sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.
        1. Jennifer’s orgasms belong to Michael.  She must always ask if she has permission to orgasm and is allowed to asked repeatedly even when the answer has been no, as Michael may change his mind.  Jennifer can only orgasm when given permission to do so by If Michael is not present during Jennifer’s sexual activity, whether she is alone or with someone else, Michael must provide permission in advance else Jennifer is not to orgasm.
      1. Homemaker: Jennifer shall remain joyfulscheduled, and optimized regarding homemaker duties which include all household chores regarding organization and cleanliness, and presentability.
        1. Joyful: Jennifer shall always perform her homemaker duties in joyful manner, never behaving in a way that Mike interprets as burdensome, inconvenient, or unsatisfying. 
        1. Scheduled: Jennifer shall create, maintain, and adhere to a written schedule of chores, errands, events, sexual activities (including masturbation), and submit the schedule and any changes for Michael’s editing and approval.  Jennifer will not watch television, talk on the phone, or do anything to distract her if her schedule is not complete. It is at Michael’s discretion to determine what a distraction is.
        1. Optimized: Jennifer shall research the optimal way to perform various duties that she has not previously researched.  In the past this has included tips on ironing and folding fitted sheets.  She will share such research with Michael and incorporate what she learned, as well as Michael’s preferences, into her methods.
      1. MantrasJennifer shall begin each morning and end each evening by correctly reciting her Morning Mantra or Evening Mantra three times as per Exhibit A.  If Michael is home she will recite it in his presence.  If Michael is not home, she will recite them over the phone to him.  If a call was not possible, she will record herself reciting them out loud and text the recording to Michael.  Jennifer’s Morning Mantra shall be the first words she speaks for the day, and her Evening Mantra shall be her last.  If she speaks again that evening, she will again have to repeat her Evening Mantra so that it remains her last spoken words of the day.
      1. Availability and Awareness. Jennifer shall let Michael know where she is at all times. She is to provide Michael an appropriate and timely reminder of scheduled events she attends outside the house, including details on who she may be meeting.  She must keep her cell phone battery charged and have a way for Michael to reach her at any time.  Any delays in responding to a text or call from Michael must be explained and it will be at Michaels discretion as to whether or not the explanation is in keeping with this section VB1f.  Jennifer shall ask Michael’s permission before doing something that is, or could result in, a change in the usual routine or that could result in a delay in the performance of her Duties and Obligations.
      1. Permission: Jennifer shall ask Michael’s permission when; leaving the house for other than scheduled errands, faced with decisions regarding her social calendar, such as friends asking her to lunch, when a repairman asks for approval on work to be done, or when family members make a request of her time.  When such decisions are needed she is to let the person know using wording similar to:  “I need to check with my husband.”
      1. Deference:  Jennifer shall defer to Michael’s judgment on any and all matters that Michael and Jennifer may disagree on.  She may respectfully discuss the matter at a Maintenance Session and any discussion ends when Michael says it ends.  Any decision he makes will be accepted by Jennifer.  Jennifer shall also consult with Michael on any major decisions before Jennifer makes her opinions known to anyone other than Michael.  Jennifer will always defer to Michael in public, never questioning his statements and never offering her opinion unless Michael has asked.
      1. Loyalty: Jennifer shall never complain to others about Michael or about any of her Duties and Obligations.  Complaining includes coming across as burdened, frustrated, annoyed, or inconvenienced.  The one exception to this is Jennifer’s blog.  Any of Jennifer’s concerns or complaints should be aired only to Michael.   Further, accounts Jennifer provides to others regarding Michael or her Duties and Obligations should always be done in positive terms with reverence and joy.  EXCEPTION:  Jennifer may voice whatever she is feeling on her blog, even if it comes across contrary to Loyalty SO LONG that Jennifer has already expressed these feelings to Michael.
      1. Assignments At any time and at his full discretion, Michael may provide Jennifer with a specific Assignment such as reading a particular book or doing research, as well as providing a written report to him on the book or research.  The Assignment may also encompass any other tasks that he may assign for any reason.
  3. PHYSICAL SELF-CARE consists of four components: a) Physical Well-Being, b) Physical Appearance, c) Attire, d) Gracefulness
    1. Physical Well-Being:  Jennifer shall look after her physical well-being; hygiene, including being available for anal sex at any time, no cavities, maintaining weight and exercising to Michael’s satisfaction, going to regular doctor, dental, optometrist, or other medical appointments, taking medications as prescribed, getting the flu shot, maintaining OTC meds (vitamins, etc.), and getting good rest, including adhering to a bedtime prescribed by Michael.
    1. Physical Appearance:  Jennifer shall maintain a physical appearance pleasing to Michael.  This includes, but is not limited to; maintaining hair that is presentable and styled to Michael’s liking, maintaining or attaining a weight and body tone to Michael’s liking, putting on sufficient make up as early in the morning as reasonable, and maintaining or removing pubic hair according to Michael’s demands.  Jennifer shall seek Michael permission and approval before obtaining any body piercings, tattoos, or any type of body modification, including the removal of existing piercings. Jennifer shall comply with any demand from Michael regarding Jennifer obtaining any body piercing, tattoo, or any type of body modification.
    1. Attire:  Jennifer shall be fully nude at home unless given permission by Michael to the contrary.  Jennifer has Michael’s implied permission for things such as a solicitor or delivery person who comes to the door but Jennifer shall inform Michael of this.  Michael may deem that Jennifer is in violation if he feels the situation did not warrant clothing.  When Jennifer is dressed, whether in public or in private, Jennifer shall dress consistent to Michael demands and return any clothing she purchases that he tells her to return.  She is not to wear a bra or panties without permission. 
    1. Gracefulness:  Jennifer shall walk gracefully, sit down smoothly, and assume a pretty sitting posture per Michael’s discretion as to what meets this definition. 

      EMOTIONAL SELF-CARE consists of five components: a) Feelings, b) Relationships, c) Workload, d) Sexual Release, e) Journaling.
    1. FeelingsJennifer shall avoid overextending her time and emotions to other family members or friends. Jennifer shall comply with any demand from Michael regarding decreasing or eliminating her attention on others.  Jennifer shall always share with Michael any negative feelings she may be having about any person, experience, or subject.  Such negative feelings include but are not limited to anxiety, boredom, irritation, sadness, stress, and jealousy.  Any cussing by Jennifer for any reason at any time will be deemed a failure to properly express her feelings. Jennifer shall never disparage herself for any reason, such as referring to herself in a negative way.  While she may do so for humor, it is at Michael’s discretion as to whether the humor was appropriate.  
    1. Relationships:  Jennifer shall maintain healthy, positive relationships with friends and family.  Jennifer will cut off relationships that Michael believes are unhealthy; however, Maintenance Sessions can be used for open and respectful dialogue and Michael must allow Jennifer to make reasonable attempts to improve a questionable relationship before Michael forbids it.
    1. Workload:  Jennifer shall only take on tasks she can handle.  It is at Michael’s discretion to determine if she has taken on too much as evidenced by behaviors including but not limited to: missed deadlines, missed appointments, leaving the house without her cell phone or other items needed for that errand, not keeping personal belongings clean and in working order, and misplacing items.  Jennifer is to self-report immediately, not wait for Maintenance, as soon as she begins to feel burdened by her workload.
    1. Sexual Release:  Jennifer is not to engage in any sexual activity or orgasm without Michael’s permission as per Section 5B1c.  If Jennifer feels sexual activity and/or an orgasm is needed by her for emotional wellbeing, she can discuss with Michael and it is at his discretion for what, if anything, shall be done to address it. 
    1. Journaling: Jennifer must maintain a handwritten daily journal addressing these topics
      1. Her reflection on significant events of the day, including any Discipline she may have received that day.
      1. Any failure in adhering to her Duties & Obligations that occurred for which Michael was unaware. 
      1. Insights into any masturbating that was allowed or required of he, including details of when, where, how, and for how long she masturbated, and whether or not she achieved orgasm.
      1. A detailed account of any sexual activity she had with anyone other than Michael if Michael was not present during the activity, including details on the acts performed and how she felt before, during, and afterward. It must be written like a chapter in an erotic novel.
      1. Any concerns or troubling thoughts she has on any topic, including any moments she may not have felt submissive or acted as submissively as she would have liked.
      1. Points of clarity she wishes to seek from Michael regarding any topic she wants to address.

  4. FINANCES:  Jennifer shall keep within the budget and never make household purchases beyond basic necessities, as defined by Michael, such as food and toiletries without Michael’s permission, regardless of the cost of the item.  If something needs to be returned, she is to promptly return it.  She does not leave lights on in a room if she is the last to exit.  She is not to waste water or any household materials as determined at Michael’s discretion.  She is to maintain a general understanding of the household finances so that she can easily take over if Michael is unable to do so for any reason. 

  5. SAFETY consists of the following:
    1. RISK OF ACCIDENT, INJURY, OR THEFT:  Jennifer shall not engage in activities that increase the risk of accident or injury to herself or others.  This includes but is not limited to any traffic violations whether ticketed or not, leaving a pan on the stove, texting while driving, using the cell phone in other than hands free while driving, or unsafe activities such as leaving things on the floor that present a trip hazard (whether or not anyone actually has tripped), or standing on a ladder or chair without someone being there for support.  If Jennifer breaks something, Michael will determine if it was reasonable to assume her action could have led to the breakage.  Jennifer shall never run out of gas while driving, shall make sure the house is locked when she leaves it unoccupied, shall not leave her credit or debit card or driver’s license at any store or place of business, and shall make sure the garage door is closed after she comes home.

    1. RISK OF JUDGMENT OF FAMILY OR FRIENDS:  Jennifer must show discretion and respect for her and her family’s safety regarding sharing aspects of her “Domestic Discipline” lifestyle with others, including aspects of Dominant/submissive and their open sex life.  Jennifer shall not initiate sharing of information without Michael’s permission.  She is to truthfully answer any questions someone may pose to her about her lifestyle.  Such answers should provide the minimal amount of information necessary to truthfully answer their question.  Jennifer shall promptly share with Michael any such disclosures she made to someone.  It will be at Michael’s discretion to determine if such disclosure was consistent with Jennifer demonstrating appropriate discretion and respect for Safety. EXCEPTION:  This does NOT apply to Jennifer and Michael’s relationship with Kayla.  Both Michael and Jennifer treat Kayla as their mutual wife, and no one is ashamed of this relationship.  As a result, Jennifer is to refer to Kayla as “her wife” or “our wife” at all times. Jennifer is to adhere to this section regarding any questions prompted by such a statement. 

SECTION VI: DISCIPLINE

  1. GENERAL GUIDELINES:   Jennifer grants Michael full and ultimate authority to determine the appropriate Discipline Jennifer is to receive.  Michael may use his discretion to provide any Discipline not explicitly defined or explained in this Agreement. 

  2. DISPUTES: If Jennifer feels the Discipline was not consistent with the intent or spirit of this Agreement, she is to say nothing at the time of the Discipline and accept it without complaint or use her Safe words to modify or stop the Discipline.  She can use the next Maintenance Session to discuss her concerns about the Discipline she received.

  3. SAFE WORDS: Jennifer can use two safe words when receiving Discipline.  Use of a safe word will not subject Jennifer to additional Discipline.

    1. YELLOW instructs Michael to pause.  Michael will stop the Discipline and, after awaiting an amount of time he feels appropriate, he will ask Jennifer if it is okay to resume or if she needs him to alter the Discipline.  Discipline will not resume until Jennifer indicates it is okay to either proceed with the Discipline that was being given or with whatever alteration she indicted.

    1. RED instructs Michael to stop.  Michael and Jennifer will discuss whether or not the Discipline can resume in some alternative form.  It will be at Jennifer’s discretion to resume; else it will be considered complete and After Care will commence.    

  4. HARD LIMITS: Jennifer may alter, add, or remove any Hard Limits at any time.  Current hard limits include Blood, Branding, Breath Play, Gun Play, Fire Play, Knife Play, Piercing (in the context of play or Discipline), Scat, and any illegal activities not to include public nudity or public sex.

  5. DISCIPLINE TIMING/LOCATION: Michael will strive to promptly administer all Discipline.  When Michael determines it is not possible to quickly administer Discipline, it will be administered as soon as reasonably possible.  Jennifer agrees to be subject to Discipline at any time, at any place, without regard to how public or private it may be, regardless who else may be present, and regardless the type of Discipline Michael chooses to administer, whether verbal, physical, bare bottom, or otherwise.  If Michael is comfortable administering the Discipline at a given time and place, Jennifer must accept the Discipline in that given time and place.  When Discipline is provided at home, Michael may provide it “on the spot” or may direct Jennifer to another area of the house, a corner, or send her to her bedroom.  If sent to her room, she is disrobe, if not already naked, and stand in the corner, waiting for Michael.

  6. DISCIPLINE INTEGRITY: Before initiating a disciplinary action, Michael will have Jennifer recite her Discipline Mantra per Exhibit 1.  Once recited correctly and to Michael’s satisfaction, Discipline shall generally be given in a calm, purposeful, and resolved manner, with the exception of lectures.  Jennifer expressly desires Michael to be as stern, serious, and mean as he chooses when lecturing her.  Michael may use condescending and/or degrading terms of his choosing.  Michael shall determine the type, duration, and intensity of the Discipline necessary for Jennifer to be Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered.  Jennifer’s demeanor and body language shall be consistent with being (1) Reflective, (2) Remorseful, and (3) Surrendered, and is subject to Michael’s interpretation.  Michael shall perform appropriate (4) After Care and perform the (5) Closing Ceremony to mark the end of that Discipline.

    1. REFLECTIVE:  Jennifer should be made to give deep thought to her actions and the consequences of her actions. This can be achieved through both the lecture and the type and intensity of the discipline. 

    2. REMORSEFUL:  Jennifer should feel remorse, not sorrow. Her remorse is expected to be for both letting Michael down for failing to be Honest, Obedient, or Safe, and for letting herself down for failing to uphold her Duties and Obligations in being submissive to Michael.

    3. SURRENDERED:  Jennifer must be physically and emotionally surrendered during Discipline, granting Michael complete ability to deliver the Discipline.  This means no pulling away, pushing Michael’s hand, or in any way interfering with the Discipline. Unless instructed otherwise, Jennifer will avoid eye contact with Michael and maintain a surrendered demeanor and body language throughout the Discipline.  If she is standing, her head and eyes should be facing downward with her hands clasped behind her back or present herself in a manner that Michael demands of her in that moment. 

    1. AFTERCAREMichael is to comfort Jennifer by cuddling her and maintaining a comforting mindset with affirming words of love and commitment. No lecturing during After Care as all the focus is on expressing love for Jennifer and reassuring all is forgiven. 

    1. CLOSING CEREMONYAt the completion of the Discipline and Aftercare, Michael will say, “All is forgiven.”  Jennifer will respond, “All is forgiven.”  This serves as a sign that Michael has forgiven her and that Jennifer has forgiven herself.   Further, Michael harbors no negative feelings towards Jennifer for her need for Discipline, and Jennifer harbors no negative feelings towards Michael for his administering Discipline.  Life moves on in peace.   
      .
  7. TYPES OF DISCIPLINE

    1. SPANKING DISCIPLINE consists of Jennifer being spanked with an implement of Michael’s choice, or by hand.  Jennifer may be spanked on any part of her body that Michael determines is appropriate.

    2. NON-SPANKING PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE consists of any physical discipline other than a spanking.  It includes but is not limited to breast bindings, nipple clamps, tack bra, butt plug, extended corner time, pee drinking, nipple and/or clit clamps, enemas, or any other device or implement intended to cause appropriate discomfort consistent with the Discipline Michael wants to administer.

    3. NON-PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE includes but is not limited to loss of privileges such as television or internet or seeing family or friends.  Any restrictions on seeing family or friends is not to exceed one week. 

    4. VERBAL DISCIPLINE consists of any verbal admonishing and/or lecturing Michael may direct at Jennifer.  It is Jennifer’s desire that verbal disciplining be loud, angry, and mean with an intent to make her cry, even if she does not do so. 

SECTION VII. MAINTENANCE SESSIONS

  1. SUNDAY SESSIONS consist of  Michael and Jennifer meeting to discuss certain topics allowing Jennifer to seek clarification on any Discipline or any other aspect of their dynamic, have Michael review Jennifer’s behavior and progress, have Jennifer present her Daily Journal for inspection, and for Jennifer to receive Maintenance spankings.  Such spankings are not intended as discipline, but as a reminder of Jennifer’s submission and to provide her appropriate release as per Michael’s discretion. 

  2. THURSDAY SESSIONS consist of Michael and Jennifer meeting with Kayla to review the collective poly-marriage relationship with the intent of maintaining and fostering health and open communication between the three of them.  Jennifer will receive Maintenance consistent with Sunday Sessions.

  3. MAINTENANCE SESSION CEREMONY Jennifer shall be nude throughout and will begin with Michael administering her first Maintenance spanking.  Much like After-Care, Michael and Jennifer will embrace and Jennifer will speak, reaffirming her love and respect for herself, her family, and for Michael.  Michael will, in turn, express his love for Jennifer and thank her for the commitment of personal responsibility she has made and state his continued support to help her become the person she wants to be.

    1. SUNDAY SESSIONS:  Michael and Jennifer will discuss Jennifer’s behaviors and Discipline she received that week.  All discussions will focus only on that week.  Jennifer will not bring up past issues as those issues are considered resolved. Jennifer will present her Daily Journal to Michael for his review, inspection, and discussion.  Jennifer will self-report on any Disobedience that occurred that week for which Michael was unaware. Michael will administer any Discipline he deems necessary for any of Jennifer’s self-reported Disobedience, as well as for any Journal shortcomings.
      Michael will lecture Jennifer as to his expectations of her for the coming week and may choose to dialogue with Jennifer.
      Jennifer will be given corner time for self-reflection as determined by Michael.  Michael may choose to leave the room, stay, or come and go during her corner time.  When corner time is up, Jennifer is to follow any other instructions Michael may have provided, such as masturbating.  When she has completed all instructions and if Michael is not in the room, she is to lay in bed, meditate, and is acceptable for her to fall asleep as she waits for further instructions.  When Michael is ready, he will call Jennifer over.  She is to kneel in front of him, look up into his eyes, and recite all three Mantras per Exhibit A.  She will then bow her head and reach out her hands.  Michael may wait for as long as he chooses before holding her outstretched hands.  While holding her hands, Jennifer will remain kneeling with her head bowed. When Michael is ready, he will instruct Jennifer to take a position and receive her last Maintenance spanking.  Appropriate After-Care is administered and the Maintenance Session is over
    2. THURSDAY SESSIONS: After a Maintenance spanking is given, the remainder of the Thursday sessions are unstructured and at Mike’s discretion.  They may include a final Maintenance spanking.

EXHIBIT A:  MANTRAS

  1. MORNING MANTRA
    “Today I desire submission;
    through humility, not humiliation,
    through service, not suffering, 
    through being present, not in pain
    through being useful, not used,  
    through discipline, not punishment, 
    through focusing on Michael’s desires, my only need and purpose.”

  2. EVENING MANTRA
    “Thank you, Michael. 
    Thank you, Michael, for leading, as I follow you.
    Thank you, Michael, for working, as I serve you.

    Thank you, Michael, for providing, as I appreciate you.
    Thank you, Michael, for guiding, as I trust you.
    Thank you, Michael, for teaching, as I learn from you.

    Thank you, Michael, for deciding, as I obey you.
    I look forward to tomorrow when we get to do it all again.

  3. DISCIPLINE MANTRA
    I accept your leadership and authority over me.
    I accept and appreciate whatever discipline you decide is best for me.
    I apologize for {state the transgression} as that does not represent the person and wife you deserve and that I want to be.
    I am sorry that you have to take the time to correct me
    I will strive to do better
    I am ready to be disciplined.


    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    To see the three previous agreements we had, visit my Shortcuts and scroll to the Our Agreements section.

377. Yes. No. Maybe. – Starting Your Domestic Discipline

I am in an advice-giving mood and thought I’d tackle another issue I often hear about from those venturing into Domestic Discipline for the first time. You reveal your desire to your partner, now what?

I’ve stated over and over that communication is key. Clear. Truthful. Open. Complete transparency and all the vulnerability that goes with it.

Easier said than done. Even if you agree in concept, how do you execute it? It’s even more challenging when you aren’t even sure of any of the details beyond you want accountability for your actions. Even more, your partner may still be processing the fact that you are apparently asking to be disciplined by them. Given all that, how do you start codifying and clarifying what it is you want and what the other person is willing to give?

When I first approached Mike with my idea of DD, I was armed with a list of “Duties and Obligations” that I made to help articulate the things for which I wanted him to hold me accountable. This helped him understand which behaviors I wanted his help with. From that, we were then able to talk about the consequences. Yes… gulp, the “S” word – spankings.

In interacting with other women, I found that many aren’t able to clearly articulate the “Duties and Obligations” they want, but they do have a vague idea. How do they “get it all out there” so the can discuss these things in a productive manner when you are still unclear on the details and they are still in a bit of shock over the idea of DD.

It’s like trying to place an order at a restaurant and not only do you not know what is on the menu, but they don’t yet fully comprehend that they are at a restaurant with you. What then?

Two bits of advice… or two-bit advice, after all, I always preface my advice with this disclaimer: Take it with a grain of salt. Relationships are complex enough that when you add in the range of emotions that come from considering DD, you can’t rely on a one-sized fits all approach. Seek input from those that have been there, but use it to form an approach that works for you, discarding what you feel won’t work. Your approach should be highly personalized and not based solely on what someone else says works.

BIT #1: SPACE

Give both you of you some space between introducing the topic and discussing the details. In my early posts I wrote of saying to Mike, “We don’t have to figure it all out right now.” I acknowledged that this was a lot to process.  I shared that I have been reading about this type of lifestyle and we should read some stuff together.  From there I suggested we both understand the pros and cons and get an idea on how we will incorporate this in our lives. For the moment, I just needed him to understand my general desires and my need to be accountable to him. That’s plenty for him to process. No need to dive into details.

The key is that this “space” is not days or weeks. It could be almost immediate – go to the internet and show him things you read. Or it could be the next day, at most. Whatever it is, make a time bound commitment. “Let’s sleep on it and tomorrow after work, I can show you some things online that can help explain this better.”

Yes. No. Maybe.

A deep, honest discussion about DD is daunting. Recognize it isn’t just you, and that he, too, is feeling intensely vulnerable. Call it out. “This is so hard for me to articulate and I feel very vulnerable right now, but is so important to me that I know we can get through it.”

I didn’t invent this, but it’s a good time for a Yes/No/Maybe list. As you read through things you bookmarked online, talk about what each of you think. Is it something you want? Something they want? Yes? No? Maybe?

Heck, take my contract as conversation fodder. Go through it with them. Of course, you may need to add a fourth option of, “Hell no!” LOL.

I recommend for you to have already gone through it on your own. Then, as you ask him, after he response you. . . gulp. . . show him your answer. If it doesn’t match his, then stop and talk about it.

I also recommend you agree to put it on the collective “Maybe” list and commit that initially the two of you are only going to implement the matching “Yes’s” Talk about the “maybes” but don’t dwell on them or try to reconcile them at this point. The goal in talking about them is to better understand each other, not to necessarily reconcile them on the spot, as you’ve already agreed in advance they will go on the “Maybe” list to be discussed in more detail later.

And before you start, you need to agree on what is meant by Yes, No, Maybe.

Yes – I want to.
It can also mean, “I think I am willing to.” This exercise is meant to elicit conversation, not just “yes/no.” It’s okay to not be definitive. “I like the sound of that, it intrigues me. What this infers to me is… What does it mean to you? ”

No – I don’t want to.
Again, can also mean, “I don’t think I want to. What that means to me is…. what does it mean to you?”

Maybe – I might.
You might want to add your own conditions or limitations. “Maybe, if…..” Or, it just might be, “Maybe, I will have to think about that one.”

None of these answers are a commitment at this point. They are just assessments of how you generally feel about them. Once you’ve gone through it and identified your common answers, then go back and more formally agree on what exactly you are committing to — ideally, a written contract.

You might want to add one more category to your answers

Fantasy.
Meaning, “No, I don’t want to, but I love fantasizing about that.” It’s a great way to open up and share your fantasies. There are a lot of things we all fantasize about that are best kept on the fantasy list. I found sharing fantasies with my husband to be a way for us to connect more closely and feel more at ease being vulnerable to each other across a broad range of topics. It’s a great way to exercise your relationship muscle.

There’s my two-bits of two-bit advice on how you might go about introducing this topic to your mate!

NEXT: 378. Two Million Thanks, Covid, and a $281 Venti Latte. Where’s the Kink?

376. Encouraging your captain to lead

I have a dozen or so folks email me on a fairly regular basis. Most are women, but a few are men and even couples. And most of them reach out for my thoughts on improving their DD dynamic. Some are newbies struggling to calibrate their needs and desires with those of their partner while others are veterans who have hit a snag for various reasons.

I don’t consider myself an “advice” type person. I mean, I have opinions and ideas, but relationships in general are far too complex for me to give anyone solid advice via email. But squishy advice? Sure! LOL. Seriously. It’s even more difficult with the extra helpings of insecurities, guilt, longing, and frustration that often come with Domestic Discipline or Dom/sub dynamics or anything but straight vanilla stuff.

COMMUNICATE: Calibrate / be Vulnerable!

The biggest challenge I hear about is in calibration – the needs of one person is not being met. Typically, the lack of agreement as to what one is willing to give to the other person is because neither person has clearly articulated their needs and desires. It’s impossible to reconcile this if someone isn’t being honest with their feelings.

The answer isn’t about trying to persuade the other person into your way of thinking. Doing so could set the stage for resentment that would eventually rear it’s head somewhere down the line. It isn’t about persuading, but about explaining. In my experience, a loving couple is always able to work out something that satisfies both people. It just takes real talking. It’s that vulnerability thing I post about all the time. Open communication that exposes all of you, your thoughts, your dreams, your desires. The more vulnerable people are to each other, the closer they become and the easier it is to calibrate each others needs and each others ability to fulfill those needs.

It often means one or both people have to adjust their expectations regarding what they truly want and what they are willing to give to the other person. Such adjustments aren’t made through force or surrender, but through love and understanding. Of course, some relationships can only take that so far. It’s no different than any other aspect of a relationship. If something is of paramount importance and is unfilled, well, the relationship can just erode to shit.

STRUGGLING DOM?

Contrary to what most people think, it isn’t uncommon for the Dom to be the reluctant one at the start of a DD journey. They fear becoming an arrogant self-absorbed sadistic dickhead. Too many people equate being a Head of Household or Dom to being some or all those things. If that is their fear, they have a gross misconception on what their role should be.

To truly be a leader of the household, you have to be a good listener, and demonstrate skills like consistency, empathy, conscientiousness, wisdom, assertiveness, self-assurance, tough mindedness, high standards, and emotional strength and stability. See, pretty easy, huh?

Of course, that’s not easy. I wrote of this over three years ago in 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. It isn’t easy for men who have never been asked to be that type of person in their marriage or relationship.

Then, to add to their challenges, I find that way too often the sub will undermine the very dynamic they are asking for. It’s like telling your mate you want “z” from them and every time they give you “z” you disapprove and say, “How dare you?” Then you start complaining that they aren’t being consistent in giving you “z.”

And sometimes it is subtle. And that’s where I thought I could throw in some tips that can help ensure you aren’t unintentionally undermining the leadership of your Dom.

TIPS FROM JEN (and elsewhere)

I did a web search for inspiration to help me succinctly organize my thoughts, else this would be just another long ass post of Jen ramblings. [Hmmm, Jen. Too late, it already is]. Who said that?

Anyway, I came across a site that so aptly explained things, that instead of “borrowing heavily” (i.e. copying a lot), I felt it best to just link you there.

GIRL GAME: Encouraging your Captain to Lead, from The Red Pill Room.

This site isn’t being kept up, but it is full of great content. That particular post from 2014 is spot on regarding things a submissive does that undermines her Dom. I am not saying there aren’t things a Dom can do that undermines his authority, but perhaps that will be for another post. This one is about things the sub can do to ensure they aren’t undermining their Dom.

Oh, quick disclaimer. I know my writing, as well as that Red Pill site, write from the perspective of the woman as the submissive. I don’t do that in ignorance that such relationships can have the genders in any role. It’s just as a woman who is a submissive wife, the submissive female happens to be the perspective I know best and from which I write.

To summarize and comment on the Red Pill Room post:

  1. Make your expectations clear
    This may sound like a very UN-submissive thing, but it is actually very submissive in that it shows you respect his leadership and are reinforcing that it is something you cherish.
  2. No wrong answers
    Men can be tentative, especially at the beginning of a DD journey. That tentativeness can result in their feeling rejected anytime you correct them. A big reason couples fail early on in DD is that the Dom is made to feel like they are doing it all wrong.
  3. No backseat driving
    Similar to #2, once he has decided something, don’t pick at it, don’t alter it, don’t add to it. Just comply.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t clarify in order to ensure you understood his intentions. But there are ways to frame your questions such that they sound condescending or infer your rejection. For example, “What does THAT mean?” Ug. No good. Instead, offer your meaning to him and let him clarify, reject, or accept it. “What I understood that to mean is …. is that correct?”

    Oh, make that, “Is that correct, Sir.” hee-hee.

    #2 and #3 is where I found Maintenance to be of vital importance. If there is something I take exception to, or feel I need to better understand, I try to never question it in the moment. In the moment I comply because my compliance reinforces his leadership. Days later, at Maintenance, I can then ask, “Do you remember when you asked me to do x? I was wondering….” Respectful questions and inquiry are tremendously helpful in building his confidence and giving him the ability to improve without you explicitly directing that improvement.
  4. Failure is part of the process.
    Success is never final, and failure is never fatal. We learn the most from failures. He can fail without feeling he is being a dick if we encourage his leadership and stay positive and stay focused on the successes.
  5. Reward and Support
    Celebrate and reward victories! Reinforce all the behaviors you seek from your man. As for the defeats? Don’t rehash them. Instead, use them as opportunities to strengthen his leadership because if you accept his mistakes, he will gain confidence to take your dynamic to more victories.

    It fits in with my Golden Rule of DD as shared in 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & Golden Rule of DD. That Golden Rule is that those embarking on this dynamic should always recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, that means giving praise. For the Sub, it means giving thanks.

The fulfillment you should get from your dynamic is far greater than the agony of some temporary defeat. If that’s not the case, then clearly there are things the relationship needs to work on. And yes, maybe, just maybe, this dynamic isn’t for you.

Some people just like the “idea” of it, but none of the reality. If so, then relegate it to a part-time/kinky thing or simply fantasy. Nothing wrong with that! The point in a relationship is to find ways to fulfill each other and to have fun in exploring what fulfills the both of you, even if there are some missteps along the way.

And whether you agree with my lifestyle or not, taking the plunge into Domestic Discipline has been the most fulfilling adventure of my life. . . besides motherhood.

Next: 377. Yes. No. Maybe – Starting your Domestic Discipline

375. ODE TO ORGASM CONTROL

I don’t look at discipline as a kink. While we do a lot of “kinky” things, discipline isn’t one of them. Receiving the consequences of my inability to be the person I want to be is far from kinky, far from arousing, far from being sexually stimulating. I believe that is why I don’t find any fulfillment in mixing my discipline with sex… well, maybe not “any,” but still, it’s not what I connect to as a submissive.

MY COOCH CONUNDRUM

Orgasm Control (OC) is an act of submission. No different than calling him “Sir” or needing his permission to buy something. It is NOT discipline. It’s just another rule I follow and rules aren’t discipline – discipline is the result of not following a rule.

BUT –– whatever you call it, OC is sexually oriented and punishments for failing at OC will likely stay focused on my taco. You might feel there is not much difference between that and being spanked on the ass or whipped across my boobs, and I see your point. However, it isn’t about making a point. It’s about how my mind reacts. For me, my mind connects discipline to something sexual when the focus is on my vajayjay whereas it does not make that connection when focused elsewhere.

Full disclosure – receiving discipline is often a bit sexually arousing. But only because my mind rewards my pleasure centers any time I submit to him, and the greater the submission, the greater the reward. And accepting his discipline is greater submission than say, calling him Sir, thus my pleasure centers are awarded accordingly.

But, in further honesty, the whacks to my squeeze box were more arousing than other punishments. The best way I can describe it is that it felt more like a BDSM scene than a punishment. No other punishment has ever felt that way.

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION

By the way, I am trying to use as many different slang terms for the punanee as possible. It’s silly and immature, but it’s fun! Feel free to comment and share the terms you use, whether in jest or in your day-to-day vernacular. Curious to hear your slang for the vertical smile!

THE LECTURE

His lecture also added to my mixed emotions. It was different. It wasn’t as much about my specific behavior. It was more focused on my orgasms belonging to him.

That may sound like a nuance, but not to me. When I misbehave, lectures tend to be;

  • Focused on me and my behavior – not what is or isn’t Mike’s “property”
  • Focused on how my behavior failed to meet our collective expectations – not about how I must do this or must do that.
  • Focused on being the wife I want to be, and not focused on a specific rule

But this lecture wasn’t so much about failing to meet expectations. It was much more about the specific rule. It seemed more focused on him and less focused on me.

I think part of my conflict is in that OC feels too much like M/s (Master/slave) and less D/s (Dominant/submissive) and far removed from routine DD (Domestic Discipline). Not that there is anything wrong with that. If it connects for two people, more power to them! It just doesn’t connect me with my submission in the way other things do.

GATEWAY KINK

Part of me sees OC as a gateway to more sexually charged discipline, that it’s the beginning of a bad path. Not “bad” because there is something inherently bad about it, but bad because it drifts too far from what fulfills my submissive mindset.

I know this may confound some of you, after all, my Agreement includes a Sex Clause that, in part, states:

Michael may demand any sexual or physical activity to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and anywhere and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Jennifer will adhere to “Anytime.    Anything.  Anyone.  Without hesitation.”  Jennifer shall behave in a way that Mike perceives as oblivious as to the time, place, activity, and/or person(s) involved

What’s different is that I’ve never violated that clause and in fact, can never really do so. That clause is less about a “rule” and more about expressing my willingness to sexually be whatever he wants me to be. For all practical purposes, there’s no way to violate this rule. If he were to ask me to do something sexual that I did not want to do, I would use a safe word and that would be that. So while my intent is to be sexually submissive, it remains my intent to keep discipline separate from sex.

IS IT THE DISCIPLINE?

One answer is simply to ask that there is no discipline to be applied to my poony. We discussed it at Maintenance yesterday, but I didn’t actually call for that (yet). Mike didn’t take a firm position for or against, which is typical. He wants me to work it out. Despite our progression for DD that is “mine” to DD that is “for me,” our DD dynamic is still primarily focused on what works for me. While Mike could dictate a resolution, that simply is not his style. For now, I made it clear that the discipline for any OC violations is 100% up to him and I would accept it no differently than any other discipline. And that simply means, I accept it until I don’t.

IS IT THE RULE ITSELF?

I am not sure it is just the discipline that is the issue. Part of me doesn’t want to give Mike control of my orgasms. And that non-submissive thought is the origin of my my greatest conflict. I don’t like the idea of denying him anything. He enjoys OC. And it isn’t like I am not enjoying it. As stated many times, it has been very fulfilling. But, that fulfillment has come with an uneasiness.

Thus far we’ve been very fortunate in being highly synchronized between our needs and desires. I’ve chatted with many couples who struggle to balance what everyone wants from their relationship (even without DD). And it isn’t like we are far apart on this. But I know Mike is enjoying OC, which adds to my conflicted feelings.

I find it a bit humorous in the context of my journey. I haven’t felt anything like this since pre-DD when I was trying to reconcile what it meant to submit to him, let alone allowing him to spank me. Since Day 1 of DD I have been thrilled with giving more and more control to Mike. Of all the things, OC is what is testing my limits of the control I want to cede.

For now, OC stays. In yet another example of the twisted submissive mind, the part of me that doesn’t want it makes me want it more. And the part of me that does want it, well, it’s getting it. And the part of me that knows Mike enjoys it, make me want it even more. So for now, those things crowd out the part of me that says, “WTF?”

We will continue to discuss it. I set a goal for myself to have some resolution in time for re-writing our DD Contract. I’d like t put this issue behind me, and perhaps “behind” is the operative word. Maybe the solution is simply making it a spankable offense on the behind!

Next: 376. Encouraging your Captain to Lead

373. DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE, DOMESTIC BLISS

A comment on a prior post had me reflecting and recognizing that my blog provides you a limited glimpse into my life. A glimpse ONLY into the things I choose to share.

I believe the reason I tend to be wordy in my posts is that I don’t like to leave too much to your interpretation. A good writer would leave you more to interpret and personalize. But my goal isn’t good writing. (Hey, I heard that. Who said, “Well, Jen, mission accomplished.”). I mean, I try to be entertaining, but in the end, I want to convey MY experience, MY thoughts, MY emotions, MY reasoning, MY motivation, and MY conclusions. Pretty selfish, but hey, it’s my blog!

Further, I tend to share things that I find interesting, a new revelation that surprises me or makes me think. Writing also helps me collect and reconcile my thoughts, thus, I often write about things that require some deeper thinking and emotional exploration.

THE RESULT

My approach means mundane day-to-day things never get shared. The consequence of this is you are left to assume my entire days are filled with slave-like living conditions, threats of punishment, and being a sexual toy subject to sadistic whims of my husband.

That’s NOT an accurate portrayal of my entire life. That’s more like my Tuesday’s.

Just kidding.

Seriously, so much of my day is pretty “normal.” It’s just the backdrop is very unique. Yes, I defer a lot to my husband and demonstrate a continued reverence and respect towards him (at least that’s my goal). And yes, we consider ourselves to be in a plural marriage, with Kayla our wife. But even that is mostly just normal relationship stuff on any given day. Talk of our days, talk of current events, talk of our plans for tomorrow or the weekend, family news, etc. Pretty normal.

Yes, that “normality” can be broken by a spanking if one of us earns one. But I haven’t been spanked in over six weeks, other than Maintenance. I’ve been a good girl! So it’s not all spanking and wild sex (but there is some of that!).

So to that commenter a few posts back, and to anyone else who may think otherwise, I want to express my immense satisfaction, fulfillment, and sense of purpose and excitement I get from my daily life. I love the dynamic that we’ve created in my household!

I will concede that, almost six years into DD and almost five years into my blog, that my posts often lack the sense of excitement found in earlier posts. That’s simply because there is less unknown, less ground to explore, and less uncharted waters. The unknown brings a level of energy and excitement that can’t be replicated once things are more known. There is less to explore, less uncharted waters, but that doesn’t mean I am any less fulfilled.

I am also less in awe of myself as I was in my early days of this journey. I mean, how long can you remain in awe of your daily life? Eventually, it becomes routine, so much so that in some ways I no longer remember life pre-DD.

I hope no one reads into my posts that I have become saddened or worried or less fulfilled in my life. I HAVE NOT. Life is just on an even keel, with occasional “pops” of incremental change or surprises, like the Orgasm Control. Honestly, can you imagine what my life would be if I continued on the same trajectory of exploration and change that went on the first 2-3 years? Well, of course you can, because you are a sex hungry kinkster!

COMING SOON

We will soon start work on “renegotiating” our Agreement. We always start off saying we should simplify it. We don’t need all the detail we initially put into it, detail that helped us make sure our intentions were clear. But I suspect a repeat of what happens when we intend to simplify it. We end up enjoy the detail as it helps reinforce all the things we want from our dynamic. So unless something changes, we probably will trim off very little and even add to it. We shall see!

Whatever the outcome of the new contract, I know I owe so much to my decision back in 2015 to embark on this journey to shake up my life and look for ways to find greater fulfillment in every moment, every day.

Oh, speaking of coming soon, I don’t think I ever shared with you what happened when I came without permission. I mentioned it at the end of my Nov 7 post. I am overdue with rewarding my readers with what they really want to read — spank-filled sexually charged stories! Maybe next post, if you insist.

NEXT: 374. Uh-Oh-gasm: Orgasm Control / lack thereof

371. So long to SEX?: Submissive Wife

My “free reign” over my O, mentioned in my previous post, ended December 8. Six full days of diddling to completion. . . assuming my chores were done, and I can’t think of any better motivation to complete them as quick as possible!

I wanted to test myself to see how long I could go without an orgasm. The first time I touched myself the arousal meter skyrocketed. I immediately say, “F-that!” to any thoughts of not getting to O – and O I did!! Between masturbation and sex with Mike and/or Kayla, I averaged four O’s a day during those six days. Impressive by my standards!

Mike then informed me my “free reign” was over. That means back to our Orgasm Control (OC) and Abstinence and Edging (A&E) routine. No sex without permission, including masturbation, and no O without permission. For now Mike has prescribed edging three times a day. He sometimes changes this up without notice, so tomorrow it could be complete abstinence, and he will throw in an orgasm here or there. That’s part of the, dare I say, “fun.” Not knowing what tomorrow holds regarding my sexual release.

I shared more about the impact OC & A&E have on me in 352. JuNO: The Big “No.” I won’t repeat myself, but suffice to say after getting to ZERO during NOvember, my DSAS (Default Sexual Arousal State) sits at about a 2 on a scale of 1-10. Once again I can say that when I am not horny, I am still a little horny.

PROLONGED ABSTINENCE?

Mike threw this bomb out there. “Jen, what do you think if I put you on extended abstinence, like three months or more?”

My first reaction was that perhaps he was just kidding, or just curious how I would react.

Rule-check regarding answering questions from Mike. I am required to give direct answers and not answer with a question and most definitely never answer with a “Whatever you want.” “Whatever you want” is a given in our relationship. When he asks me a question it is because he expects an answer. One caveat is that AFTER I have answered, I can ask a question if it is intended to help me better understand the question.

My answer — “My initial reaction is I would not like it. I am always willing to try things, sometimes just for the sake of exploring, and sometimes because we believe there will be some direct benefit. In this case, I am open to exploring it. Again, I don’t think I will like it, but I didn’t think I would like NOvember either, and it was a great experience, so much so that I don’t dread the next one. Three months sounds daunting, but I am intrigued and curious how, and IF, I could handle i.”

He said, “Okay, I am not saying we will do that. At this point I was just curious about your thoughts.”

And that was that.

I shared this with a fellow submissive that emails me on occasion. While also submissive, she was concerned for me (hey, not all submissives are alike). “Does that mean he isn’t interested in having sex with you?” “Sure, he gets to have all the sex he wants with Kayla or others, so he’s satisfied.” “Are you just some robot slave that doesn’t need to be sexually stimulated?” And there was more, and I am sure many of you can think of other things that should cause me to be concerned.

Honestly, NONE of those things concern me. If he did impose extended abstinence or denial, then so be it. If that is what he wants, by default, it is what I want. I trust that he is doing it because it fulfills him and thus, it fulfills me. Things that express his control and dominance automatically have a benefit to me. That’s just how my mind works. And while I wouldn’t choose extended abstinence, if he choose it for me, I accept.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have a preference. My preference is to have sex when I want and orgasm when I want. While we are at it, I also prefer to be lazy sometimes (more often than not). I would prefer forgetting about household chores, doing nothing, and indulging myself.

But that’s the path to the pre-DD Jenny. My biggest preference of all, that supersedes my self-indulgent preferences, is a preference to submit to my husband. Not out of some sense of duty or obligation, but because that is where I get the greatest fulfillment. So in an only-in-a-submissive-mind kind of way, not being self-centered is being self-centered. My mind, my heart, and my soul, are fulfilled when I submit to my husband. I am a submissive wife!

There are parts of NOvember that I miss. I haven’t felt the same about orgasms since then. Don’t get me wrong. I like them, they feel great, and I wouldn’t object to more of them. But, I think a year of OC and the full month of abstinence has re-wired my brain. I don’t think of my personal sexual climax about being mine. My orgasms are his, for him, from him, and about him. It now seems a bit selfish to orgasm just for me. And the longer he makes me wait to give him my orgasm, the better it feels when he does.

And, while it’s strange and still foreign to me, I admit, there is joy even in the waiting. Joy in waiting, and joy in cumming. And the greater the former, the more amazing the latter.

Geesh! I’ve gone full-on submissive! Okay, so I am slow. I am sure most of you are like, “Jen, you’ve been full-on submissive since day one.” But for me, this is big. It’s something I never even knew existed within D/s, and never would imagine I would try, let alone enjoy.

It’s a bit humorous to me. The pre-DD Jenny couldn’t relate in any way, shape or form. Not to DD, not to D/s, and definitely not to Orgasm Control. But then again, pre-DD Jenny was more unsettled, anxious, irritable, and stressed.

Even after 5+ years, I continue to revel in my evolution during my DD journey! What will I learn over the next five years that can bring me joy in ways I’ve never imagined?

NEXT: 372. Kayla Shufflebottom

367. No-vember: Orgasm Control

I should give you an update as to the conclusion of Chelsea’s stay with us and where things stand between her and her husband. Perhaps another post. I am overdo for sharing a kink-related story. . . as if the whole Chelsea thing is just normal vanilla stuff! lol. Anyway, I thought it was time to write about something fun and even a bit silly, ORGASM CONTROL.

Mike decided I would be subject to NO-vember. As in no orgasms all month. In fact, perhaps even no sex at all! But before I elaborate, let’s get on the same page regarding Orgasm Control.

I’ve shared that late last year I agreed to give control over my orgasms to Mike. That is, I can only cum when he has given me permission. As part of that, I can not even masturbate without explicit permission. I also shared that back in June, both me and Kayla were subject to Juno.

BACKGROUND

Mike was the one that came to me with the idea and, always willing to consider anything that gives Mike more control and influence over me, I was game. It all seemed a lot like a game to me. It’s such a silly thing for a couple to do, even in the context of our less-than-vanilla lifestyle. Or so I thought! I’ve learned it’s serious stuff!

Serious in that it has had profound consequences – positive consequences. It has had a far greater impact than I thought it would. It may be silly, but it’s also serious in a uniquely kinky way!

Orgasm Control isn’t just about abstinence. In fact, it’s less about abstinence and more about simply not being allowed to orgasm during sex. There’s a lot of “edging” that goes on. Here’s a link for the uninitiated. Also, here’s another great article on Kinkly.

The folklore is that edging turns a woman into a constantly dripping brain-dead sex-crazed goon who is ready, willing, and able to perform any sexual act on command. I learned that this folklore is actually fairly accurate. Of course, with me, Mike was starting with someone that isn’t far removed from already being that caricature.

I’ve shared before that Domestic Discipline has given me a heightened sexual feeling 24×7. On a sexual desire scale of 1 to 10, I feel I my “baseline” state is a 2. For context, think of it as being in a constant state where I am 20% of the way to an orgasm. I believe it is because I am so happy and fulfilled and my mindset of constant submission stimulates me sexually even though I may not be thinking sexual thoughts. Submission is just sexy to me! Orgasm Control (OC) added to that baseline. . . yep, “dripping sex crazed goon” is not too far off.

I must ask permission to masturbate or for any sex I have, as well as ask permission to have an orgasm. He may also tell me to edge at any time. Since adopting OC, it reduced how often I masturbate to climax. And maybe about a third of the time I am not allowed to cum during sex. So I’ve gone from daily-cummer to maybe twice a week on average, three or four in a good week.

This increased my “baseline” sexual desire to at least a 3.3 or maybe even a 4. That may not sound like much, but think of it as being 33% of your way to an orgasm — as your default state throughout the day. OC can be summed up like this:

Even when I’m not horny, I’m still a little horny.

When Mike tells me to edge it doesn’t take me long to go from 33% to 99%. And then I have to stop. No orgasm. The more days I am only allowed to edge, the more my baseline increases, until, indeed, as foretold by the kink prophecies, I am desperate to have an orgasmic release.

And when finally allowed to cum, it’s almost never just an “Okay you can cum.” It’s an edge, then a stop. Another edge, then a stop. Another, and maybe another. And then finally, usually with me begging to be allowed to cum, he allows it. Typically, I am not a very vocal cummer. But the best way I can describe orgasms after extended OC is this:

I beg him with my words, my eyes, my body.
I scream my desire, squealing phrases
that will make me flush in shame
when I recall them tomorrow.

These are by far the strongest most earth shattering orgasms I’ve every had. It makes OC worth it!

And as a bonus, it just tickles my submissive spot to know that I can only orgasm if Mike allows it. I often have to ask permission to do so. The act of asking, sometimes begging, for it has its own impact. It tickles my submissive spot even more, and at a time I can’t stand much more “tickling.”

NOvember

Like Juno (June-no), NOvember is another month one can dedicate to OC. While I live 24×7 with OC, (ha, sounds like the beginning of a pharmaceutical commercial), these “special” months are designated for more intense and focused OC.

Mike decided that he didn’t want me and Kayla to both be subject to his NOvember. He announced that Juno will be for Kayla, and NOvember will be for me. So, yea me!

Further, while our first Juno had a lot of edging and sex with no orgasm, Mike said he would make these “events” to be more about overall abstinence with some of the edging thrown it. But no cumming, so yep, November will be an orgasm free month for me, unless I mess up.

Oh – speaking of messing up. What happens if I let an O slip in? For one, I am expected to handle a UO by making it a UFO. That’s our-speak for Unauthorized Orgasm and Unauthorized Failed Orgasm. A failed orgasm, better known as a “ruined orgasm” is one where I am expected to NOT enjoy the moment. I do my best to distract or disrupt what’s going on down there and everywhere else in my body. Basically, try and make it as weak of an O as possible. In addition to UFO, I would also be subject to disciplinary action and perhaps a prolonged period of abstinence.

Have I ever slipped and released a UO! Yes, once!
What is a typical day in NOvember been like? Perverted minds want to know.

Next post, maybe?

NEXT: 368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

366. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

Kayla had a birthday this week. She’s 26. It’s so amazing to experience who she is today and to have been part of the journey that brought her to this point. We also recently had our 2nd anniversary as … well, as I don’t know what you would call it? Publicly bonded triad? I’ll save the Kayla and family update for another post. This one will be about the person I know best. Me!

I want to dive right in to the fulfillment I get from being a submissive wife in Domestic Discipline.

MY MARRIAGE

While I will focus mainly on how I feel about me, I want to start with what it means to my marriage. DD has taken the intimacy level to immeasurable heights. I don’t just mean sexually. By being 100% vulnerable to each other, we both feel completely safe and secure to reveal the truth about ourselves to each other. By being totally free to express our needs, desires, and whims, with the sometimes illogical origins, we are actually revealing the “walls” that are around us. And by revealing them to each other, those walls disappear. As I’ve written many times, the result is, we are one, but not the same (cue U2).

Vulnerability is an amazing thing. Maybe I will post about it some time. — If you are new here, I’ve done like a bazillion posts about the power of vulnerability. Go to my shortcuts and there are nine of them referenced in my Nine Thoughts on Finding Happiness.

ME

To sum up all that submission gives me — It shrinks the world!

It simplifies, synthesizes, and purifies. It filters out all the noise and leaves me able to focus singularly on what is truly important to me.

It gives me structure, and the more rules I have, the more secure I feel.

It provides me clear standards at which to measure my moments and my days.

It gives me time and energy, as I no longer do things that are unimportant, frivolous, or uninspiring.

It makes me accountable to the people that are most important to me and through accountability I am fulfilled and redeemed.

It gives me an incredible amount of love, devotion, and attention from Mike. He is deeply invested in my day-to-day activities like never before.

The sex is incredible! Just sayin’.

Yes, in order to get all those things I have had to give up some things as well. I gave up various powers in exchange for all of the above. Best deal I’ve ever made!

Serving Mike as I do was not done on a whim. We didn’t get to where we are overnight. It was a choice I initially made, and he subsequently made. It filled me with a freedom unlike any I had ever felt. It was absent any pressure or outside urgency. It just felt right from the beginning through today. We somehow found something in each other that we didn’t even know was missing within us and between us. We both offered parts of ourselves that no one had ever offered us nor that we had ever offered each other.

It’s NOT EASY. It’s hard work, dedication, devotion, determination, kindness, and empathy. The hardest part? It’s honesty and communication at a 100% transparent level. It’s the removal of all boundaries between two people. It’s a willingness to explore each other, allow each other to explore the world around us, and explore ourselves all without judgment or fear from the other.

OUT OF OUR VULNERABILITIES CAME OUR STRENGTHS!

And if I had to do it again, my choices would have remained the same.

submissive wife

This. Is. Who. I. Am!


P.S. Did I mention the sex is incredible?

Net: 367. NO-vember: Orgasm Control

365. ONE MORE REFLECTION AND THEN LETS MOVE ON

Re-read my prior post and feel it was a bit jumbled. Thing is, when we attempt to make sense of our today by looking back on events in our life, it’s difficult to discern what were “causes” of where we are. Ultimately, while it is an interesting journey, I am not all that concerned with the “Why I am submissive.” I am more concerned with the “Who I am as a submissive.”

But before I waste your time with diving into that, let me waste your time with one more attempt at making sense of why I am submissive.

While there are more layers to it, I think the overarching reason is that I am a people pleaser.

PEOPLE PLEASER

There are two types of people pleasers, those who like to please because:

– how it makes the object of your pleasure feel
– how it makes you feel

Not to say there can’t be a mix of both, so okay, three types! Anyway, before Domestic Discipline, my overarching motivation was rooted in how it made ME feel. Even worse, I became exclusively focused on my intentions, and not the impact of my actions. If my intentions were pure, damn the results! If the result were not as I intended it wasn’t my fault, and I certainly wasn’t going to change or take any responsibility. In my mind, my intentions were pure and if someone (Mike) questioned the outcome they were saying my intentions were bad. Screw them!

Simply, my people-pleasing was inauthentic. I was using the excuse of the axiom, “You can’t make others feel good if you aren’t happy.” I bastardized it into, “You can’t make others feel good if you aren’t right about everything.” Doh!

When I started reading about Domestic Discipline I believe the concept that jumped out at me was I needed to stop basing my criteria for pleasing others on what I thought pleased them. It must be based on what ACTUALLY pleases them. Then, AND ONLY THEN, I could consider whether it actually fulfilled me to do those things. Yes, it still had to make me happy. If it didn’t, I would eventually become resentful, anxious, insecure, and unloving.

CUE BLACK SABBATH?

The first thing that attracted me to the notion of DD was giving up what I now realized was fake fulfillment, fake feelings, and fake demonstrations of love. Those had to be replaced them with truth. That struck a chord in me. Not the warm and fuzzy type of chord, but a heavy metal power chord courtesy of a Tommi Iomi/Geezer Butler flatted fifth in G. And turn it 11!

Didn’t know I was musical, did you? While not a metal-head, who could deny the power of that chord? I digress

In other words, it was a bit of an ominous realization for me. My attraction to what I was thinking shocked me because at the same time I was like, “BUT, BUT, BUT. . . FEMINISM!” (read Post 350. Equity and Fairness for how I reconcile that). However, the more I read about submitting to my husband, I became more connected to its’ promise.

Then I had to consider what my husband would think. I DID NOT think, “Oh, Mike is going to love this DD stuff.” I actually wasn’t sure he would go for it, as chronicled in my first several posts. Contrary to popular belief, I’ve learned that husbands aren’t always eager to officially take the mantle of Head of Household and all the rights bestowed therein.

I hadn’t fully envisioned what DD was going to mean for us, other than I connected with submitting to Mike. I also somehow innately knew that my submitting was going to require tremendous communication and sharing all our deeply held wishes and desires. That part excited me more than anything. THAT was the moment when the Domestic Discipline light bulb switched on!

It went from the “devils triad” chords to more of a “Windows 98″ Startup sound followed by the Win 98 tada! Again, you can read about that journey by reading through my first dozen posts, starting with #1.

NOT SO FAST, JEN

The name of my blog is Domestic Discipline, Jenny Style. It’s not “Mike Style.” And if you read my first dozen plus posts, you’ll see it was DD on MY terms. So even then, I was still defining our DD based on what I THOUGHT would make Mike happy. But in hindsight, I think for us it was absolutely necessary that we entered Domestic Discipline in that way. I needed to be in control of letting go of control, and Mike, as a newbie Dom, needed to know what he was doing was clearly aligned with my needs and desires. So for us, it worked!

And eventually, I evolved from a Domestic Discipline that was MINE, to a Domestic Discipline that was FOR ME. It took awhile. 2.5 years after starting DD, I wrote this post re Submissive to Mike or Mike’s submissive? Then almost a year after that, this one re My Submission Becomes His Dominance.

But here we are. I am a submissive wife who submits to her husband on his terms. What fulfillment do I get from that? Not some esoteric “Why do I submit?” What feeling do I get today from submitting to my husband and being subject to his leadership and discipline?

Next post. I promise to get it up in a day or two! If not, Mike can spank me on your behalf! Well, to be precise, he can spank me on my backside, but in your honor!

NEXT: 366. This is who I am

364. Part II – Why I AM A SUBMISSIVE WIFE

Picking up where I left off on the prior post. . .

I have come to realize that as a child I had a feelings of guilt, anger, and rejection. Those feelings were also surrounded with plenty of warm and loving feelings, as shared in my Backstory. The negative feelings were not all-consuming. But, as stated in my prior post, there were many “mundane” experiences that embedded some of those negative feelings into my pysche.

I won’t share them all. They were nothing overtly traumatic. Something as an adult you’d say, “And why did that bother you?” But to the mind of the seven year old that experienced it, the answer seems obvious. Exactly the sentiment expressed in my Childhood is Wasted on Children post.

FOR EXAMPLE

I was keenly aware that I was my dad’s “favorite.” You can read more in my About page. In many ways this was a positive, but as an adult I started to reflect and recognize it also had some negatives. I felt guilty my siblings didn’t get to experience the best of my dad. Why me? Why should I be the lucky one? I felt I hadn’t done anything to deserve what my siblings missed out on. I think my people pleasing was a manifestation of trying to show I deserved the love and attention I got. In my mind, I had to do something, – anything – to earn what was so freely given to me.

Parenting can be such a sucky thing! I mean, you’d think showing unconditional love and support to a child would be uber-nurturing and self-affirming for that child. Nope! Even that, through the reasoning skills of a child, can be warped into a guilt-inducing thing.

Another example – there were a couple of occasions where my dad didn’t allow me to do some things with my siblings and cousins, who were all older than me. Those events really stuck with me as I interpreted it as there being something wrong with me such that he felt I didn’t deserve to do whatever fun thing the older kids were doing. Odd that I don’t have any specific memories of my mom doing the exact same thing, although I know she did so countless times. But it was my dad’s “rejection” that stuck with me so much that I can recall all the specific situations where this occurred.

As I said in my prior post, these experiences don’t have to be overtly traumatic. I was never abused and all these “negative” experiences were wrapped in a lot of loving experiences. They were mundane things that the mind of a child had to interpret and rationalize. At the time, being the much younger one of the group didn’t mean my parents made sure I had age appropriate experiences and that my siblings and cousins didn’t have to always worry about me tagging along. No, it meant there was something wrong with me and something missing from their love for me.

HOW I “FIXED” IT AS A CHILD

I realize now that the way I “fixed” this as a child was to conform and make as little fuss as possible in hopes that would both show that I deserved the tremendous love I got as well as “buy” the missing pieces of love I felt from being “rejected.” I became a people-pleaser and abandoned my own needs, so much so, my own needs became that need to please. That isn’t necessarily a bad trait, but it was pleasure based on what I thought would please people, not what necessarily actually pleased them.

Conflicting with the need to please was my mom’s enduring mantra, “Love life, every moment, every day.” And that if I wasn’t loving life, it was up to me to change it. Not a man, not a drug, not anyone but me.

I found that trying to please others was hard because I didn’t know what pleased them. I hit upon the idea that I had to first be happy, as you can’t make anyone happy if you’re not happy. Truth that!! But I went about it the wrong away because I rooted my happiness in what I THOUGHT made others happy. I became highly invested in that mindset such that I would get offended if my motives weren’t respected and applauded.

As I look back at my life pre-DD, I realize I was living much of my life as an impartial observer.  I was in a constant rush to achieve my goals, pursue my dreams, and I was suffering from not having a free moment to myself.  I was overburdened and lived in constant stress.  What was important to me was truly unimportant in the scheme of things.  I thought I was living life, every moment, every day, but it was fake.  It was a hypnotic dream. (See Post 30. I Found my Thrill where I elaborated on this concept).

I now understand how the habits I cultivated as a child, set me up for failure as an adult. It’s one thing to put others needs before your own when fully motivated by the act of doing so with no expectation of getting something directly in return. But doing so because you think it will “buy” you love, adoration, appreciation, and respect? You’re in for a big disappointment. It will backfire as you will eventually feel unappreciated, burned out, angry, and resentful.   

HOW I “FIXED” IT AS AN ADULT

How on earth did I figure submitting to my husband and a lifestyle of Domestic Discipline was the answer?

It’s hard to explain, but in looking back, I don’t think submission was the direct answer to my problems.

The answer to my problems was to accept my lack of control over how others, especially my husband, chose to treat me.  Further, if someone was being unloving to me, I no longer had the need or desire to “earn” their love.  I needed to accept what it means to take care of myself and accept that I have no control over how another person chooses to be.  

Accepting that I can’t control other’s feelings or behavior has freed me to take loving care of myself.   And I do that by behaving the way I want to behave, by truly making myself happy so that I can then be in a mindset that is capable of bringing joy to others. THAT was my answer. It just so happens that they way I wanted to behave and the way I truly make myself happy falls under the definition of a submissive wife.

I know that sounds like a giant leap, but going all the way back to my Third Post, I believe THAT is why the idea of submission resonated with me as I shared in that post. It was always within me, I just didn’t know it. For whatever reason, be it those childhood experiences or mid-life crisis, or whatever — submitting to my husband fulfills me and has made my marriage indestructible and fulfilling beyond anything I could have imagined or can even fully articulate. But maybe 364 posts have begun to scratch the surface!

By the way, all this self-reflection was triggered by Chelsea. I’ll provide an update and conclusion of sorts on her stay with us. Her stay prompted me to think about where my need to submit comes from. I still may not have fully answered it, and maybe won’t ever do so. But you now have some of the pieces that I think make up at least part of the answer.

Next: 365. One More Reflection and Then Let’s Move On