Tag Archives: Domestic Discipline

147. Submissive Roller Coaster

147

I thought about what a graph would look like if I plotted my emotional state since adopting Domestic Discipline in early 2015.  On the left of the graph would be negative thoughts that deal with feelings of uneasiness and lack of fulfillment.  To the right would be happy thoughts dealing with confidence and satisfaction.  My graph would be trend very sharply upwards and to the right.

But growth in life is rarely a straight line up. Life plots out more like a roller coaster, with ups and downs. . . and it’s share of loops!  And if we are fortunate, when it is time to get off, we reflect fondly on the highs and have few, if any, regrets. 

After about 27 months of sharply going up and up and up, I’ve hit a bit of a downward trend.  I am confident I will reverse this through my usual positive self-reflective habits. But, I am not there yet. So what’s my funk about?

I’ve shared that lately I’ve been punished more so than usual – prompted by my own request of Mike.  I asked him to help me in subduing my non-submissive thoughts.  I want a greater level of submission.  I do not just want to just act submissively, I want to think more submissively.   This has been much tougher than I thought it was going to be.

I’ve shared some examples with you on prior posts. Here’s another recent one — I was talking to Mike about something to do with John and Donna and I said, “Well, let’s see what they think.” Mike punished me for my statement saying that I am fully aware of John and Donna’s dynamic and should have phrased it as, “Let’s see what John thinks.”

With each “mistake” in my thinking, I go deeper into over thinking.  Over thinking ways to not think in nonsubmissive ways.  Wow, that’s a mouthful to say, let alone do.  That heavy focus on my intentions has caused me to perform poorly (flash back to Post 30. I found my thrill).  Not only have there been numerous punishments for not thinking submissive, but I am getting in trouble for other things too.  

Ha!  That makes me smile.  I’ve never framed it before as “getting in trouble.”  That seems like a wrong way to state it, but, hey, the shoe fits!  

I’ve misplaced something – spanked, forgot to pick up a needed item at the store – spanked, left a mess – spanked, etc., etc.,   The more I concentrate, the more I Transgress.  It has even impacted my demeanor and the result?  I was punished for my “displeasing disposition” in response to something Mike said.  Adding to this has been an increasing sense of irritability.  Case in point – I had a dentist appointment this week (yea, no cavities!), and my appointment was a 9 a.m.  I arrived a few minutes early.  9:20 still waiting, 9:30, still waiting.  At 9:35 they finally attended to me.  

This is enough for anyone to be displeased or annoyed, but I was very upset by this – that is not normal for me.  My thoughts were, “I’ve got things to do and they are being disrespectful of my time.  I would be spanked for showing such disrespect.  How dare they be so flippant about it.”  

Suffice to say I’ve been troubled lately – moody, unfocused, and basically just out of sorts. 

TALKING WITH MIKE
I shared my feelings with Mike in my last Maintenance Session. Mike is a great active listener, even with his new Bachelors of Dominance (ha!).  People may view such compassionate listening as un-Dom like, but I believe it goes to the core of being a good Dom.  I also know such listening skills tend to be uncommon in men in general, and perhaps even more so in Doms. 

Here’s some quick comic relief. It made me think of something funny I came across before and was able to find again. Check this out – It’s Not About the Nail  It makes light of the generalization I just made about how men and women respond when the woman is in need.  Back to my story – 

Mike was able to help me identify the source of my uneasiness – I’ll get back to that in a moment. I first want to state that I give a lot of credit to my DD with how Mike is able to help me, even with things that have nothing to do with discipline.  While he has always been a good listener, pre-DD I rarely shared “problems” with him.  I wanted to be self-sufficient (remember, I had it all together!), and given my counseling background, I felt I shouldn’t have to go to Mike for counsel.  I was the “fixer” (much like the man stereotyped in the “Nail” video).  I  looked to solve my own problems, plus everyone else’s.  My DD requires that I share my feelings and it provides the structure in which to do so where I am comfortable and receptive to Mike’s feedback or guidance. 

So, what’s the source of my uneasiness?  Well. . . getting there is a bit like pealing an onion, one layer at a time.  While each layer is valid, they aren’t the core of the issue so you have to keep peeling.  So here were some of the layers that Mike was able to help me recognize:

  • My growing frustration with my failure to quickly master the new “skills” I desire.
  • That frustration leads me to doubt whether I truly desire this.  Maybe my subconscious is at fault for my failure, as a way of telling me I really don’t want this. 
  • Those doubts lead to other doubts about submission in general, and DD in general.
  • I see Kayla, a sub-newcomer, and half my age, (ahem, okay, a little more than half), quickly internalize the thinking I am striving for? Or at least think I am striving for.
  • I begin to view Kayla’s submissiveness towards me as interfering with my submissive mindset. How can a keep my thoughts submissive when there are times I discipline or have to direct Kayla?   If only Kayla didn’t need me and if only I didn’t feel compelled to help her that way.
  • If I really did fool myself into thinking I want this (deep submissive thinking), how did I let that happen? Do I feel in competition with Kayla, who gets enjoyment from a deeper level of submission than I do?  Did I tell myself, “Well, I can do that too, thus, I want that too.” Even though I really didn’t want it?
  • As I ponder that, I then start projecting my anxiety onto Kayla. I start interpreting her unique needs as somehow selfish of her (as if my unique needs are not selfish). Why did Mike do such-and-such with her? Why does she get to do that?  Why does she get such “special” attention?  I have been a bit intolerant of Kayla lately.  Not very nice. More in a passive-aggressive sort of way, but clearly, not nice.  
  • Sure, I asked for Mike to be strict.  I also asked him to focus on not just my behaviors, but my thinking.  Damn, does he have to do it so well?  Come on, give a submissive a break! He has got to be running out of creative ways to punish me. I am sure running low on wanting to tolerate those punishments.

SUMMER ROUTINE = LESS SUBMISSION
Adding to my mixed soup of emotions is the fact that transition from school to summertime means increased anxiety with J, and thus increased stress on me and the household in general.  

I’ve shared some things before about J’s special needs.  He always has a hard time transitioning, even just from day-to-day activities, but especially with big changes in his routine.  Back to school and the start of summer both mark big changes in his routine.  His already heightened anxiety is off the charts.  

We work hard to immediately go into a structured summer routine that resembles past summers.  This helps, as knowing in advance as to what is to come will help with his adjusting.  This also means lots of planned activities.  We do something every day – go to the park, go to a museum, go to a theme park, etc.  Primarily look for things that require him to walk as it is good exercise (for all of us) and he does better when he is kept active.  This also means a huge break in my submissive routine.  I am gone at least 2-3 hours of the day, sometimes Kayla comes with us as well.  Suffice to say, not getting my full dose of “submission” that I’d like.  That adds to my unfulfilled needs as well as serves to distract me from thinking submissively. 

So, what came of my talk with Mike?  A big spanking, that’s what!  I’ll share that on my next post.  But to be honest, it was a lot more than a spanking.  There was talking too. But still,  I didn’t post for a few days as I needed the benefit of time and further reflection to reconcile what happened.  Which I’ll write about on my next post. 

NEXT: Dom/sub Therapy Session

 

 

140. Post Party Analysis and Revelation

140
It may help to read my prior post about attending the “adult” party we attended.

I mentioned that Mike seemed to be somewhat reserved regarding our sexual participation.  I say somewhat, because, as shared in my prior post, we still participated in some of the sex related festivities.  In addition to the activities I wrote about in that post, there were also some hand jobs that I gave and Mike enjoyed some head from one of the other ladies.  Clearly we were not wall flowers, but still, I could sense Mike was a bit guarded in both what he did and what he allowed Kayla and I to do.

THE CREEP
We talked about it afterwards.   Mike said that he was “creeped out” by Rudy, which also summed up the feelings I had about him (you can read about him in my prior post).  He was a bit of the alpha-male, boisterous, and aggressive both verbally and physically – and not just for topics related to sex.  It was clearly his personality that is pervasive in all his interactions.  He bordered on condescending, if not outright so, and he was clearly a narcissist.     

He had this body language that said he was superior, not just to his sub, but to everyone else, whether dom or sub.  He would quietly observe a conversation from afar, as if not even a part of it.  When he finally decided to talk, he would just holler his two cents from across the room.  He also wanted to make up the rules or give reasons why rules should apply differently to him and it was clear he was indignant when people just ignored his rants.

He was over the top with flattery to the women.  Flirting is one thing, but the degree of flattery was embarrassingly profuse.  And if his advances did not result in what he wanted, you could tell he was close to exploding.  He never did, but you had this sense that there was this rage just below the surface.   Lastly, just to give you a good picture of him, he provided an elaborate introduction of himself, going on and on about his accomplishments.  His self-proclaimed intelligence, wealth, creativity, you name — didn’t seem to stand up to simple questions posed to him.  You know, it just dawned on me, I think the best way you can picture him is to think of him a lot like Donald Trump, minus the treason and golden showers (okay, the former is a given, but the latter is just a rumor).  I digress.

That was a lot to share to simply say, the guy was creepy.   Mike was concerned that in the already highly sexually charged atmosphere, that this guy could be trouble, so Mike was very selective on what all of us participated in.   By the way, the other couples were all fantastic and a joy to talk to, play with, and hang around.  

KAYLA’S REVELATION
Kayla told us she had a revelation to share.  Before she said what it was, she wanted to be clear that f
irst and foremost she was thrilled to have the opportunity to attend and very happy with the things Mike had her do.   She was happy to serve Mike in that manner and doesn’t question any reasons he had regarding the things he had her do or not do.  Like a good sub, she wanted to be clear that her greatest satisfaction is in submitting to whatever Mike desires, even if that means he desires her NOT to do something.  

So with that preamble, she said that she also had to be honest and share with us that while she enjoyed it, she thought there would be more “debauchery.”   More specifically, that she would be more “debauched.”

WORD OF THE DAY
Funny aside – I wasn’t sure debauched was actually a word.  It seemed to fit, such as, “to have debauchery performed on or by you” but, it seemed like a made up word.  I Googled it – sure enough, it’s a word, and exactly describes what Kayla meant.  So there’s your challenge of the day.  Go get yourself debauched!

BACK TO THE REVELATION
Kayla said that she made a revelation about herself as she thought through why this experience didn’t live up to her expectations.  She said that clearly she loves sex, no surprise there, and she loves kink – again no surprise.  But she said she really loves it, the kinkier the better.  She wanted to explore sexually with everyone in the room, sans Rudy.  She said she would have been happy to do anything or have anything done to her.

She said this feeling to explore like that was a bit of a surprise to her, and now she believes she knows why she had, and continues to have, those feelings.  She said that she feels liberated and empowered to do things sexually IF those things are done under Mike’s discretion.  In other words, she wants to do those things for herself and for what she gets out of it, but she has personal hang ups regarding what it “means” for her to do those things under her own volition.   Social stigmas that have been reinforced into her says those things make her dirty, nasty, or “less than” as a person.  For her, those negative feelings are replaced with positive ones when she is doing those things at Mike’s behest.  As strange as it sounds, she said for her, submission is sexually liberating and empowering. 

I believe that for her, being submissive is one way she can remove herself from being accountable to society for her actions.  None of us should ever feel accountable to society for our sexual habits (that are appropriately legal).   Kayla knows this, as I hope all women do, but while intellectualizing that thought may be easy, it can be very difficult to purge those thoughts that have been taught to us since birth.  Society constantly reinforces the belief that enjoying sex and being sexually open is something that makes a man strong, virile, and admired, while it makes a woman a whore and morally corrupt.   

The constant barrage of negative social cues regarding being a “slut” or that women should feel degraded if they enjoy sex, is hard to shake.   For Kayla, being a submissive is one way she can “shake it” in her mind.  She thinks of herself as simply being submissive, and any and everything she does is part of that submission.  Thus for her, it reconciles the social stigmas that have been engrained in her such that she does not feel any negative thoughts about what she is doing.  She is able to enjoy herself and feel only good and positive feelings about the experiences, free of negativity.

Kayla was apologetic in sharing her revelation, as she was concerned Mike would interpret it as her being submissive for only selfish reasons.  Far from it.  Mike was extremely supportive.  He said it would be inappropriate for him to think that she wants to serve “just because.”  He said, “Of course you get something out of it!   In no way does it diminish your submission just because you have identified the root of that “something.”  I hope over time you have more revelations as to why this lifestyle fulfills you.  And if that journey means you discover other ways to achieve that fulfillment, then that is fine too.   I don’t want for your submission, other than it is what gives you fulfillment.  I want for you to be happy, and will help you in achieving and maintaining that happiness through whatever form it requires of me, Dom or otherwise.   

Ahh – that was sweet of Mike, and of course was absolutely true and I echo his sentiments.  Our relationship with Kayla is very much about our wanting to nurture her so she is filled with confidence in being whoever she is now or may grow to become.  No shame.  And if that means spanking her bottom to help her along the way, so be it!   Hee hee.

NEXT:  Post 141.  Master/slave Immersion 2.0

 

137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking

137

Over the last few months I have had few, but harsher, punishments, as I have done an excellent job of adhering to my Duties and Obligations with a few big exceptions which I’ve posted about. Mike decided it would be helpful if we instituted an extra Maintenance Session that he will call for at his discretion.  If he feels they are needed they will be on Thursday evenings.  

It will be an abbreviated version of our Sunday Maintenance.  I don’t present my journal or masturbate, and it is not as reflective as the Sunday routine.  One other difference is that Mike said I will be caned versus the hand spankings that are part of the Sunday routine.   It starts with a caning, there is brief dialogue where he may ask me some questions and/or lecture, then a final caning.  He said it would be as many and with whatever intensity he thinks I need.   He said he would let me know each Thursday around dinner time as to whether we will have a session that evening.

Mike said he hoped this extra session would provide me added focus and also serve as an additional release.  Perhaps it will avoid the need for me to ask for a spanking which I’ve done a few times when I’ve gone a lengthy period of time without a punishment.    

Bratting or Distraction?
The wondering and anticipation during the day on Thursday is a punishment by itself.   First off, the cane is my least favorite spanking implement, and Mike knows it.   This has a potential for putting me in a conundrum.  Will this motivate me to “brat” or have some minor infraction so that I am spanked Monday through Wednesday such that Mike feels the Thursday session isn’t necessary?   Of course, there is always the risk I still get the Thursday maintenance regardless of my behavior for the week.   I don’t believe I would intentionally “brat.”  I’ve never done it before.  I think getting a spanking under false pretenses would be unfulfilling.  

I also wonder if the anticipation could be a mental distraction such that I don’t correctly execute my Duties and Obligations.   Ug!   I would much rather just make it an automatic Thursday session versus it being at Mike’s discretion.

I got spanked!
Normally when Mike makes a “proclamation” he does not solicit questions from me.  He simply asks if I understood what he stated.  This time, after he announced his decision to hold these sessions, he specifically said, “Do you have any questions?”  I didn’t hesitate and I asked him if he could just make these automatic.   

He then told me to bend over and he administered an Immediate Spanking.  After the first round of spankings he asked me why I earned this.  I figured it was because I questioned him, but I didn’t understand why I was spanked because, after all, he asked me if I had questions.  Because I didn’t correctly state why I was spanked, I received the customary second round of spankings and then he explained.  Yes, he asked me if I had questions, but my response to him wasn’t a question.  It was a request.  We have an agreement that when I ask questions they are only for clarity as to what is being requested of me.  If I want to question why or suggest an alternative, I am to do that only at a Maintenance Session.  In my haste, I questioned him in an unacceptable manner.

This event to me is further evidence of Mike’s evolution as a Dom.  Not too long ago I think he would have missed the nuance of a question that is a point of clarify versus one that is a request.  Or, if he did catch it, in the past he might have overlooked it — Not any more!  He’s the Dom and expects certain behaviors of me.   This is another example of the clear evolution of my DD.  He isn’t just enforcing my explicit expectations of myself regarding specific behaviors that I prescribed.  Instead,  he is enforcing both of our expectations that I be submissive to him.    

It may be surprising but this excites me!  Okay, not right at first, but it didn’t take long to excite me.   I admit, in the moment my first thought was “Really, you’re spanking me for that?”  To my credit, even though I thought that, I still didn’t hesitate to accept the spanking.  And, it didn’t take long into the spanking for my thoughts in my mind to change from “Really?” to “Thank you!”   And my next thought was, “Does this mean I don’t get a Maintenance caning this Thursday?”   

I thought that, but I knew better than to verbalize it!   We shall see this Thursday!

NEXT:  138. Party Time. The Naked Bench.

 

 

 

134. Vulnerable to you / 1yr blogiversary

134

Mike reads my blog from time to time, plus I’ve talked to him about the fact my greatest joy in blogging is ruminating on my thoughts and happenings in life.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts, feelings, motivations, and interpretations of something a lot more than I enjoy sharing the specifics of that something.  Mike commented that he thinks this was a “vulnerability thing.”   Okay, so Mike is not one to ponder philosophically.  He tends to just to succinctly sum things up in a few, but accurate, words.

I had to delve into what all he meant by this but when i asked him he simply said, “It isn’t important what it means to me, it’s whether it means anything to you.  You think about it and tell me what you think it might mean. ”   His retort floored me.  This was very un-Mike like.  It had this sensei flair to it, this enigmatic statement that I had to unravel and find my own meaning.  But, I appreciated the response as I took it as a self-reflection challenge, and I like to be self-reflective and I like a good challenge.

I’ve made several posts on this subject of vulnerability:  Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble,  Post 68 reblog: To Fall in Love…, and Post 129. Vulnerability. Plus…

So here’s my thoughts on Mike’s comment.  The pre-DD Jenny thrived on control, was measured in what she did and said, and only portrayed to others a limited version of herself to avoid potential negative critique.   I am proud to have shed most of those pre-DD habits, but, parts of that still linger.

I am fully vulnerable to Mike, and while the type of vulnerability we give to our partner is not the type you would give to everyone, there is an element of vulnerability that you should be willing to give to those around you.  It is about being authentic.  By being authentic, you might rub some people the wrong way, but so what?  The flip side is by being authentic, your relationships become founded on authenticity.  You connect to people as you really are, and hopefully as they really all.  The result is a deeper and more meaningful and fulfilling connection.  It is much better to have fewer, authentic and meaningful relationships with friends and family, then to have many superficial ones based on less than your true self.

I’ve shared before that vulnerability has been like a drug to me.  I love it, I crave it, and I’ve slowly become more vulnerable to those around me.   There is Mike of course, who my vulnerability has no limits.  Then there was John and Donna, and then Kayla.  They get the full and unedited version of Jenny.   I believe it is my comfort and confidence in being vulnerable that led me to tell my sisters about my DD lifestyle.  (Post 116. Revealing DD to my sisters).   It is also what led me to tell a group of my girlfriends about Mike and I “swinging.”  (Post 132. Good Grove / Bad Move).   And it has led to my overall sense of comfort and confidence in my choices.

I am vulnerable when it comes to my blog, but I definitely be more so.  THAT was Mike’s point with his comment.  I know the ultimate in vulnerability would be to post more identifiable personal details complete with pictures.  But frankly, that would be opening myself up to be revealed to any and all people.   Maybe some day, but for now I am not ready for that, nor is Mike.  Short of that, I could be more forthcoming with things I do or the things that happen to me that currently I may omit, or infer or lightly touch on but not in much detail.

A good example is our soaping punishment routine, although I’ve only received two.   Part of this routine is rinsing not with water, but with pee.  I have not blatantly stated that detail because of concern of what you may think of me.  I know it is silly to be worried about what readers think after sharing so much, but, I found it difficult to share that particular detail.  Well, it’s shared now!

Mike is correct, it is a “vulnerability thing.”  Each time I have shared a punishment with you I mention I am not one for sharing those details.  Part of me worries about what people will think – think about me, think about Mike.  I would rather write about the positive impact it had, versus share the specifics and leave it to you to conclude what the impact was.    So, that’s my response to Mike regarding what I think he meant by it being a “vulnerability thing.”   I shouldn’t be so resistant to being vulnerable to you.

This doesn’t mean I am suddenly over it.  But, I will try hard to focus on being even more transparent on my blog, especially when it comes to punishments.  This isn’t something I have to do.   Mike doesn’t require it of me, and I don’t specifically require it of myself. However, I do believe it helps in strengthening and maintaining a submissive mindset. It is more about being more disciplined in my vulnerability and not allowing old habits in.  And that IS something I want.

ONE YEAR OLD BLOG
Switching gears  – my blog just turned one year old a few days ago.  Thank you to everyone who reads, likes, and comments.  I am close to 100,000 views and about 18,000 visitors.  I like it that I get 5 to 6 views per visitor each month as it means to me that people are intrigued enough to read multiple posts.   Writing this continues to be very fulfilling, and now, perhaps more so as I strive to be even more vulnerable in my future posts.   And I took notice that by far the most visited post is Post 25. Intense Spanking Part II, about twice as many as the next visited post (Post 12. Our DD Contract).   You kinksters seem to like to read about punishments!

I’ll take that under advisement.  Ultimately I blog for me, but I like it when others like it, and I also like the vulnerability of it.  I just have to remind myself that sharing details of a punishment is an act of vulnerability, thus an act of submission.  That should be plenty of motivation for me to enjoy doing so.  But even with that motivation, my greatest pleasure in blogging is still from waxing philosophically about being a submissive wife and living the wife-swapping polyamourous Domestic Discipline lifestyle that I live.

NEXT: 135. Kayla and me.

 

120. Is this submissive a feminist? (rant)

dosequis

I mentioned that I revealed my Domestic Discipline lifestyle to my sisters. (Post 116. Revealing DD to my Sisters).  In further discussions, one of my sisters stated, “I thought you were a feminist, I guess not!”

I found this interesting on a two of levels.  One, I never identified as a feminist before, so why did she assume I did?  The other is that my thoughts on the equality of women are mutually exclusive from the choices I make for myself. 

My response
Just know my rants are not limited to my blog.  Nope.  I rant in real life and my sister’s statement got me on roll of a rant.  

I told her that I never thought of myself as a feminist, but also never disagreed with the basic premise of feminism.  I boil it down to simply the difference between right and wrong, just and unjust.  I always feel I stood up against ideas that promote social inequality.  The empowerment of women is part of that, but no more or less important to me than the empowerment of all individuals.  None of us should have any human rights arbitrarily restricted from us because of age, gender, race, religion, economic status, sexual preference, sexual identity, kinks, etc.  And I also believe that those categories should not have the right to arbitrarily restrict the rights of those in any other category.  

I explained to sis that I have made decisions about how to live my life that are contrary to the meaning of empowerment.  I do so knowingly and willingly and for me, it is immensely rewarding and fulfilling in ways I have shared many times.  However, my decisions are about my role within our household.  I serve Mike, I submit to Mike, but I do not serve mankind and do not feel submissive toward anyone else.  

I recognize that people are heavily invested in their discrimination – so much so that they are blind to its’ harm.  They believe it is justified.  Their investment typically comes from being indoctrinated from birth…”My parents thought that way,”  “My community thought that way,” “My schools, religion, country, ancestors, etc., thought that way.”  “I taught my children to think that way.”   Yep, pretty invested.

And they are so invested in their discrimination that it is not sufficient for them to just accept that their beliefs are right for them.  No, they are so insecure about the validity of their thinking that they do all they can do impose their thinking on others.  If they truly felt their way of thinking was so “right” and so “self-evident,” then why not allow that thinking to be scrutinized?  If they are correct, then that scrutiny would only lead to more people thinking as they do.  

Of course the thought of even entertaining scrutiny is very painful for them because they are so heavily invested.  “You are saying my parents were wrong?”  “You are saying my culture is wrong?”  “You are saying my religion is wrong.”  You are saying my political affiliation is wrong?”   They are so invested that they don’t allow themselves to ever question such things, so how could they possibly entertain questions from others?   To question is to doubt, and that doubt is just too painful to consider.  Hate is just easier.

This is why over the years the government has had to try to force people to not discriminate.  By and large it works, as more people are exposed to other thinking, the “others” become more humanized to them.  Unfortunately, as more people divest themselves from the hate, the remaining haters have become desperate to cling on to their dehumanizing thinking.  They tend to wrap that thinking in their faith and in the flag.  Thus the current political environment in the U.S.  

A political history side note – interesting that until the mid-1960’s, the U.S. political party that was socially progressive was the Republican party.  Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, etc.  If you look at the social platform of the Republican party of the 1950’s, you’d swear you were looking at the Democratic platform from the 80’s through today.  Nixon converted the racist Dixiecrats to the GOP as those southern democrats were alienated by Kennedy’s progressive social stances, thus hate found a new home.   What didn’t change was that the South continued to vote against its own self-interest.  Which is why the South has the highest divorce, murder, STD/HIV/Aids, teen pregnancy, single parent homes, infant mortality, and obesity rates, while having the poorest health care and lowest rates of high school graduation.  And don’t think it is the minorities.  The food stamp capital of the U.S. is white (Owsley County, Kentucky).  Oh, but all of this happens to be the “bible belt” so, at least they believe in the right God and at least they are focused on keeping trans kids in the “right” bathrooms.       

FEMINIST  HUMANIST
So, sis, no, I don’t specifically identify as a feminist, I identify as a humanist.  And of course that includes women, and I believe that gender should not grant someone special privilege, nor relegate someone to a lesser status in life.  

For me, I look at the choices adults get to make about their lives and if their decisions don’t restrict other people’s freedom, then fine by me.  While I have biases (we all do) I try to challenge them (when I recognize them).  And while I have a variety of personal beliefs that I promote (such as what DD has done for me), I am in a continued mode of self-reflection and inquiry.  This is all in attempt to ensure an honest about my choices.  I welcome questions and doubts and concerns from others.

I also try to divest myself of negative stereotypes that my upbringing reinforced in me and that society continues to reinforce.  I think of it more like the color I choose to paint my house (it’s called Carriage House).  I like it, it works for me and my situation (works well with the bricks).  But I don’t expect other’s to choose it for themselves and I don’t feel offended if they don’t like my choice. I accept that just so long as they don’t act in a way to restrict my choice (homeowner association bylaws excluded, but hey, I made a choice to abide by those bylaws).  Unfortunately, in this analogy, there are too many people who, at best, want to keep someone down because of their choices, and at worst, want to kill those people because of their choices.      

And sis, while I have found beauty, fulfillment, growth, love, and peace in submitting to Mike, I have no expectations that others will embrace this lifestyle for themselves.  And while I find that same beauty, fulfillment, growth, love, and peace in my sexual explorations, again, I have no expectations that others would find the same.

I am proud and excited to say, “I can’t do that without checking with my husband.”  I am not okay with me or anyone saying, “You can’t do that without checking with your husband.”  So, sis, in simple terms, yes, I am a feminist, but I believe I am much more than that. 

Sis:  “Wow, Jenny, that was intense.  So, tell me, what do you feel about Trump?”

We laughed.  The truth is, I probably would not have gone on such a rant if not for our so-called President.   The fact that hate has been validated and empowered requires us to resist expose, fight, ridicule, deny, and extinguish it at every opportunity.  Such was my opportunity when my sister asked me a simple question.   

NEXT: 121.  20 Questions from Sis

116. Revealing DD to my sisters!

reveal

With Mike and Kayla in Orlando (last week) my cover story for Kayla’s absence was that she was spending a weekend with friends.  That Saturday afternoon I left J with his cousins and uncle and my sister’s and I went out for lunch.  I figured that was as good as time as any to “come out” about my DD lifestyle. 

Before I share the details of what happened, know there was a lot more questions and answers than I cover here.  I needed to condense their reaction and questions to keep the post from getting too long while still capturing the essence of what went on. 

THE REVEAL
I started by mentioning that they had both previously told me some time ago that they noticed a difference in Mike and I. They described it as a “zest,” as if we seemed to have an extra spring in our steps.  They sensed greater joy and contentment.  At the time I told them that I attributed this to just a maturing in our relationship.  Two kids basically out of the house and doing well, our finances in order, Mike’s job going well with a great flexible schedule allowing him to frequently work from home, and most importantly things going well with J.  While he is far from independent, his physical needs have lessened as he is stronger and more agile than ever before.  Add to that his anxiety and obsessiveness has lessened, reducing stress for everyone.  In reminding them of this I stated that my explanation at the time was true, but incomplete.  I left out one more ingredient to our mid-life peace and joy.  

I said, “Well, there is one more thing to which I can attribute the things you’ve noticed.  Almost two years ago I made a choice to be a submissive wife and give Mike authority over many things.”

They both had this sort of crooked half-smile peeking through tightened lips with a scrunched face, as if you are trying to get your lips, nose, and eyebrows to touch.

Sis 1 said, “What in the world do you mean?”

I repeated myself and nonchalantly and added, “Yeah, you heard it right.”

Sis 2 was quick to say, “Submissive how?”   This reminded me so much of when the word “spanking” was uttered for the first time when introducing my idea of DD to Mike (Post 9. So…Like a Spanking?).  There it was, the BIG question!   I already had planned on an approach that would be like trying to peel an onion – I would reveal just one layer at a time versus just giving them a big bite of the onion. 

LAYER 1
“Well, I simply defer to him on pretty much every decision.  I still can share my thoughts, but often do not, and when I do, he can consider them or not, it’s his call.   And we set up clear communication rules that we both follow.  We share what is on our minds, but typically through a planned and constructive manner, such as a weekly meeting.  It’s these meetings were I can bring up issues during the week that bothered or me or that I want clarified.  Doing it this way, away from the heat of the moment, allows us to easily address those things but again, ultimately if Mike says ‘that’s the way it is’ then I accept it.  Fortunately, he rarely has to be so definitive or demanding.”

There was more discourse between my sister’s and I, mainly consisting of me assuring them this was my idea.  There was also the inevitable question, ”Why?”

LAYER 2
I tried not to focus too much on the “why” and instead focus more on the results, sharing with them much of the sentiments I shared on many posts, such as 26. Submission = Transparency = Love or 30. I Found My Thrill.  I reminded them that they witnessed the change in me and in my relationship with Mike.  I told them I couldn’t be happier.  I also was clear that I don’t advocate this for anyone.  My choice was not my commentary on what relationships or women’s roles should be.  I don’t believe in women being submissive – I do believe in ME being submissive.  I shared with them that I surprised myself with my initial interest in even trying this, and was surprised and relieved at Mike’s acceptance of it, and of course, have been thrilled with the results.  I told them that whatever the amount of shock and disbelief they have with this, it pales with the level of shock and disbelief I had with myself when it all started.   

LAYER 3
At some point Sis 2 brought up the Fifty Shades reference and said, “Are you submissive like that?”   My response was, “I don’t relate to that as analogous to what Mike and I have, because that relationship is way different, but, if you mean, does Mike spank me, well, the answer is yes.”

Now their faces contorted in the opposite direction.  Instead of “scrunch face” they had “stretch face.”  As if you are trying to push your eyebrows to the top of your head while also trying to touch you chin to your chest. 

Sis 2 was again quick to chime in.  “You don’t mean like spank you spank you.  You just mean like some spanking with sex?”

Again, as calmly and nonchalantly as possible I said, “No, I mean spank me as in punish me if I break a rule.”

Both of their heads exploded.  My sisters are dead.   Just kidding.  Their shocked reaction was the “No way!” type of shock, not the “Oh no!” type of shock.   They had these half smiles as they continued to ask questions.  I was a bit coy, and told them that they don’t need to know all the details.

LAYER 4
I told them the story of how this all came about, much like you can read about in Post 2. The Backstory and Post 3. The Search.  I shared with them the term “Domestic Discipline” and that while Mike has a lot of discretion, I created my rules and the structure for the punishments.  I then told them that Mike and I have even “played” with others.

I anticipated Sis 1 wasn’t going to like that and Sis 2 would be like, “tell me more” and that was pretty much the reaction I got.   Sis 1 was like, “That’s fine if it works for you, but I don’t want to know about it.”  Sis 2 was like, “Oh I gotta’ hear this, you can tell me more later.”   I told them there wasn’t more to tell. I just felt compelled to share this with them as we share so much together and being a submissive wife and being open to sexual exploration with Mike is an integral part of who I am and I don’t want to hide that from them.  I told them that my intent is not to share all the details, but for them to know that this is an important part of my life, so important that I felt they needed to know.   And now they do.

My sisters and I are loyal to the core.  We always strive to understand each other, thus lots of questions. We are never judgmental. Never uttering the “how could you!”  But we do help each other think through the pros and cons.  In this case, I’ve analyzed my choices to death, and have considered every angle, more than once. So there wasn’t anything they asked or said that gave me pause.   A lot of the questions were due to their preconceived notion of what “submissive” meant to them.  Eventually I believe I got them to understand what it means to me.    

LAYER 5
They had questions about how we kept this from our kids, especially J, and they rightfully were concerned about how the kids would react to this if they found out.  I jokingly said that Mike and I had a “mental health savings account” to set aside money to help them with their therapy if they found out.   In all seriousness, what kid wants to know anything about their parent’s kinks?   Yuck!!   I don’t think they would be the least bit interested in knowing anything about TTWD.   There is always a risk that they walk in on something or hear something.  We take a lot of precautions to prevent that but nothing is guaranteed.  While having children shouldn’t keep a couple from their kinks, you do have to be creative and cautious to keep it under wraps.   I didn’t give them details and just assured them we take proper precautions.

LAYER 6
Leave it to Sis 2, whose got the wilder imagination sex-wise, to connect the dots re Kayla.   She suddenly blurted, “Oh my god, what about Kayla!”   I slyly said, “Well, what do you think?”   Suffice to say it was another barrage of questions and answers.   Their biggest concern was her age and I echoed that. I reminded them that she is 22 and not 16, and that we have been very careful to allow her to set her own pace with things.  Ultimately, I was able to make it clear that her living with us involves more than just a place for her to live, and that she is mature, but young, adult who is able to make decisions for herself.  I reminded them that not only was I married at 22, but Sis 1 already had a three-year old when she was 22.  While we all agree that today we are much smarter about life than we were at 22, none of us regret the decisions we made at that age.  And even if, in hindsight, we can cite unwise decisions we made in our youth, there was nothing anyone could have told us at 22 that would have changed those decisions. 

Sis 2 said something about whether I am spanked in front of Kayla.  That’s when I said, “It happens, as well as her getting spanked in front of me.”   Yet another round of questions!   They hadn’t connected that the rules and punishments applied to her. 

So, my sisters know I live a DD lifestyle, sans many of the details.  They know that we have been with at least one other couple (I didn’t name John and Donna specifically as I didn’t think it fair to John and Donna for me to share this).  And they know that Kayla is a live in “girlfriend” as they framed it.  I didn’t feel it necessary to elaborate and explain that she means more to us than that label conveys.  I believe I gave them enough news to digest for now. 

Overall it went well, as well as I was expecting.  It felt good to share.  I felt even more committed and appreciative of my submission.  There is something about a verbal affirmation to others that invigorates and reassures oneself.  Much like this blog has done for me – but more so.  

Next: 117. The Stick of Truth, Part I 

 

 

 

113. Contemplation

thinker

Yes, I’ve been bad about posting.  I could name the usual “too busy” excuses but I find we make the time for what’s important, and to be honest, my blog has slipped on my priority list.

The enthusiasm I had to share my story has waned.  About nine or ten months ago my personal amazement along with my complete surprise with myself, my choices, and the results of those choices, all propelled me to share my story and continuing sharing as events unfolded.

Once I got the background of my story complete — all the way back on Post 13. Now What?, I mentioned that my goal was to share my approach to DD.   I also wrote that while I would share the occasional steamy details,  I didn’t intend to purposefully write erotically or for masturbation fodder.  I am happy if you found my writing to be either of those things – or both – but consider that a happy bonus!  It wasn’t my focus.

My life with Domestic Discipline has sort of evened out, hit a steady stride, or whatever you want to call it.  Simply put, it is just “my life” and not “my life with DD.”  This is a positive thing, as it means that my lifestyle is, well, normal!   Okay, at least normal for me.

My passion for living my lifestyle has not waned.  I am, however, less surprised or amazed by my antics.  And that lack of surprise and amazement makes it hard to blog.  I know there are many things that occur during the week that would continue to provide you with surprise, amazement, and shock, if not at least some general interest.  Add to that perhaps some sexual stimulation or at least fodder for your mind to wander to places you wouldn’t have thought to wonder otherwise.  Yes, sharing my life may do those things, but I have found I have a harder time identify those things, because it all seems so “normal” to me.

The things that aren’t normal have to do with Kayla which is why so many of my recent posts involve that relationship.  I could continue to share that stuff — it is very exciting, new, amazing, crazy, wild, titillating, you name it!   But, I feel that I am more sharing her story than mine.  Not that I don’t mind doing that, but I know she minds.  In her words, she is okay with being a “plot line” but she doesn’t want to be the main character.  If you read my many recent posts, she is definitely center stage!

So, I need to re-evaluate what I choose to share. More accurately, how I choose to share it. For instance, I was going to write about some fun things Kayla has come up with.  She is very adventurous and has staged some various “scenes” for us.  Mike and I never role played before, and it has been very fun.  But, I feel more compelled to share what I believe it means to Kayla, or what she experienced, more so than to share what it means to me and what I experienced.   In fairness to Kayla, I just can’t do that.  

I enjoy sharing, so will just have to figure out a way where I can both bring and received the same enthusiasm and excitement that I got from my first 100 or so posts.  I am sure it’ll come to me.  One thing I am anxious to share is how it goes with mycoming outto my sisters.  Haven’t done it yet, but expect it soon.  

Anyway, sorry for the boring post.  I just needed to share what’s rattling around in my brain instead of what’s being slapped on my ass!   Although, that reminded me….. hummm, maybe next time. 

NEXT:  114.  Resist! And Remain Kinky!