Tag Archives: Domestic Discipline

209. The Chronicles of…McNuggets?

209

I know I said I would post a spanking story.  I got a whopper, but it will have to wait.  One more self-indulgent post please.

I am really feeling good about life.

  • DD stuff is going great.  Back to a  normal routine now that holidays are done – other than the few tweaks re Post 204).
  • On the family front, my youngest continues to do remarkably well, showing a growth and maturity we didn’t think possible just a year or so ago.  My eldest is getting married in the fall, and the middle child graduates college soon.
  • My blogprovides me joy.  I love writing out my thoughts and experiences for no one other than myself – and it feels great to findothers appreciating it.  My traffic inexplicably doubled in December and continues to be even higher in January.?? Don’t know what that’s about, but I likeknowing what I write is resonating.   Although I think it is mostly just pervs needing to get off to a good spanking story, as those posts get far more views than my esoteric ramblings.  Hey, I am still happy to provide a public masturbatory service.
  • Kayla.  I am very happy for her and how far she has come in the year she has lived with us.  She says she feels like a different person.  I tell her that the positive things she is seeing in herself aren’t new — I’ve seen them for years.  The difference is that she is now “Consistently Kayla” as I call it.  Those things used to be buried and rarely would come out and now they are just her default personality.

THE COBBLERS CHILDREN HAS NO SHOES
Until recently I was feeling a little bit like the story of the cobbler’s children with no shoes.  I helped promote this loving, nurturing environment for others to flourish, based in large part on sharing your feelings – while I was often over thinking, over analyzing, and “processing” my thoughts before expressing myself.

While I feel a great sense of accomplishment and growth over the last three years (with the help of DD), I still feel that I haven’t yet slayed this big personal dragon.   I am far from the controlling, passive aggressive, jealous, person I once was, but still have a ways to go.  I won’t repeat myself as I covered that in a prior post and will just say that I feel confident that I am now fully equipped to set sail and slay that dragon.

THREE THINGS HAVE PUT EXTRA WIND IN MY SAILS

  1. My faltering on New Year’s Eve (Post 201) gives me added resolve to not repeat it.
  2. Inspiration from Kayla(Post 208) regarding her taking my “teachings” to heart.  Sometimes the master needs to be the student.  And I don’t mean “master” in a kink way. 
  3. Out of the mouth of babes.   Hey, a bible verse from Jenny.   Did you know that?  The full verse is “Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength.”  I digress.  
    J was watching Spiderwick Chronicles for the first time.  I was busy doing household things and I don’t know how far into the movie he was, but at one point he proclaimed, “Oh, I get it now.”   I asked him what it was that he “got.”
    “Truth isn’t what you see, it is what you feel in your heart.”

I was so moved by the look on his face as if he discovered the wheel and was envisioning the possibilities of his discovery.  And I felt it wasn’t just him discovering it, but him telling me about it because he sensed he needed me to know.

I didn’t even have to give it any thought.  I felt no desire to taint his moment with any of my influence.  I simply let him simmer in his discovery and then I asked him what it meant to him.  He said, “It’s like a rainbow, mom.  You see it but it really isn’t there.  It doesn’t really do anything and you can’t touch it.  It’s just light reflecting, you know.  But, it makes you feel good to see one, so that makes it something to you, even though not everyone can see it.”

I cried!  It was beautiful.  Especially coming from a child with impaired cognition about the world around him.  Yet he 100% understands something as complex as feelings and truth.    

I also realized I have made progress.  Yes, I still self reflect, but for learning purposes, not for the purposes of calculating an appropriate response.   Pre-DD Jenny would have felt compelled to impart her own “wisdom.”  I would have likely said something like, the “feeling” was only true once you thought it through. Or, “sometimes what we feel can trick us,” or who knows what?!?  I just know I would have ruined it for him and left him feeling he should trust his eyes more than his gut.  I am so relieved I didn’t do that.

I now know, more than ever, that if a feeling is “thought out” then it isn’t an accurate representation of what was initially felt.  It is no longer “true” to the moment.  A feeling that was “processed” is still a feeling, but it doesn’t represent the truth of what was felt in the moment.  It was processed.  It’s as different as a chicken is to a McNugget.

Sorry, I took this beautiful moment my son created and made it analogous to a McNugget.   Yeah, I need to work on my literary skills.  That’s not my focus right now. 

NEXT: 210. A Best, er, Breast Punishment

207. More about Me (than I even knew)

207

Boring alert.   No spanking or submission stories here.  Just a self-indulgent post all about me!   If you want to know more about my personal life and what makes me me, read on.  If you don’t, that makes me sad – so indulge me.  Read on anyway!

MORE ABOUT ME (THAT I KNEW)
I tidied up my blog a bit.  I also am now sharing a lot more personal details.  Up to now I’ve peppered a few personal details here and there, even “adjusted” a few facts around anniversaries and ages for privacy reasons.  Well, I have removed those “adjustments.”

Mike is especially conservative when it comes to what I share online.  Our names are real, as is Kayla’s, but other names have been changed or abbreviated.  As Mike puts it, I need to leave some room for “plausible deniability” if someone we know happens across my blog and we don’t want to own up to it.

I asked Mike if this post is acceptable to him and he agreed that it was.  We are so much more comfortable with our lifestyle and it is extremely unlikely someone we know will read the blog and connect it to us.  Not that we want to shout it from the rooftops, but if someone who knows us stumbles onto my blog, well, so be it.

Want to know more about me?  Read my updated —  About — section!
Also check out my new Shortcuts for those that want a condensed DD Jenny experience.  

My desire to share came with a recent breakthrough I made about myself.  It may seem minor to some, but it is a big deal for me.  

MORE ABOUT ME (THAN I EVEN KNEW)
I shared a little about my upbringing in Post 2. The Backstory.  But I recently made a major revelation that has helped my submissive state of mind.

My mom was always one to promote sharing of ones feelings.  She never made me or my sisters feel ashamed, afraid, ridiculous, or wrong for anything we ever expressed.  You would think the result would be that I became very open and quick to express every thought I had.  Well, it wasn’t that easy and I only recently realize why.

I vividly remember when I was little that I would observe my siblings share whatever feeling they were having about whatever topic.  I recall I would always “evaluate” what they were saying.   I didn’t call it that at the time, and wasn’t consciously choosing to do that.  I just did it.  Even though my mom never “judged” them on their feelings or desires, I secretly was doing so. 

As early as around the first grade I can remember listening to my siblings and then thinking to myself, “Humm, I don’t think that makes much sense,” or, “Come on, they really didn’t think that through very well,” or even, “What a waste of time. That will never happen so just move on.”  For some reason, while I wasn’t afraid of sharing my thoughts, I had convinced myself that when I did, I wanted it to be compelling and awe-inspiring.   I think it was the competitor in me that somehow thought I needed to “beat” my sisters at the thinking game.  This idea stayed with me, all the way up until I was 45.

I think that is why I always spend so much time analyzing my feelings.  I have gotten better where such analysis is “post-expression.”  Meaning it comes after I expressed the feeling.  But there was a time such analysis was “pre-expression.”  So I would never express the feeling.  I would let it percolate and cogitate, making sure it was the “best” feeling, before expressing it.  Almost as if a feeling was an argument.  I didn’t want to express it until I knew I could win the argument (with myself). Does that make sense?

If my family were a club, it would be the “be yourself, express yourself, be silly if you feel like being silly, be whatever if you feel like being whatever – club.”  Despite that, somehow it caused me to be the opposite, even though I thought I was still part of the club the whole time.  I was often called the “logical” one, but I was proud of that term.  I guess because making me feel bad for being “logical” would be against the family creed, so I was never made to feel that it was bad.

What I now fully realize is that I was never good at truly expressing myself, at least not in the moment.  And it is “in the moment” that we truly feel.  Thinking comes later.  To really see ourselves at our reflexes, you have to be willing to express the feeling in the moment, raw and unfiltered by “logic.”   In doing so, you can truly learn what makes you tick, and if you aren’t satisfied with your emotional reflexes, work to change them.   By doing this, you are changing your core…changing your perceptions and reaction.   You can only make such changes by being able to examine the true and honest feelings you have.  Those feelings only come from “the moment.”  Not from hours or days (or sometimes weeks or months) of percolating in the mind.

By the time I expressed a feeling, it may have sounded good, but may not have really reflected how I felt at the time.  It reflected how I WISH I FELT at the time.  Thus I never got to address the bad feelings in an honest way.  Thus those feelings festered, and manifested themselves into the need to control my environment, or passive aggressive habits where I felt resentment that others should have assumed to know what I wanted even though I didn’t express how I felt.

I even look back at my interest in counseling and feel it was less about helping people and more about learning ways to have a more sound “argument” with myself over what I was feeling before I dare express those feelings.

What I now see is a very clear pattern that precedes each time I ever doubt Mike.  It all starts with me not expressing something I am feeling.  Not because I am ashamed or afraid to express it, but because I feel I haven’t fully thought through every angle.  In my mind I hadn’t “earned” the right to express it.  Thus, frustration, anxiety, resentment, or a potpourri of various negative emotions build.  This ball of anxiety needs something to project itself on, and the easiest thing to project it on is the behavior of those around me.

In the case of Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year, there were some things nagging at me related to the holidays.  I won’t bore you with the details (you’re like, why not Jenny, you bored us with plenty so far), but simply put there were some things I had envisioned for the holidays that didn’t come to fruition.  The “old” Jenny felt like Mike should have known what I envisioned and made it happen, even though I never shared that vision with him.

I’ve done very well to keep this “old” Jenny from reappearing, but clearly haven’t fully exorcised her from my reflexes.   “Progress, not perfection,” as Mike always reminds me.  

NEXT:  Post 208.  Inspiration from Kayla

202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

202

There are several things I want to write about.  I want to “unpack” some emotions and reflections on my misbehavior per my prior post.  I also want to talk about Kayla and what she was referring to in the statement she made (also from my prior post).   So, with that, I think I’ll start with something else completely. HA HA!

QUARTERLY GOAL
Our new DD Contract provides for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me.  “Such goals are to be focused on Jennifer’s self improvement…”   As I shared, Mike’s first goal for me was to lose 18 pounds by January 18.  The Quarterly Goal falls under the Respect Mike as Head of Household subsection of our Obedience clause.  Missing the goal would result in a punishment since it would be disobedient of me to fail.

18.3 pounds to be exact.  I started at 153.3 pounds, goal is 135. I am 136.8

I am confident I’ll make it.  The pounds have come off more slowly lately but 1.8 pounds in two weeks is doable.   Mike is going to weigh me three times on the 18th (morning, afternoon, and evening) and take an average.  Oh, in case you are wondering, I am 5’6″.  By the way, I weighed between 160-165 for most of my 40’s.  I slowly lost weight about the time our DD started in 2015.  I wasn’t dieting or focusing on it.  It was the byproduct of simply taking better care of myself and being more active.

I feel great and found it easier to lose than I anticipated.  I think my submissive mindset helped.  It also helped that Mike held me to an exercise regimen else I could be punished – I always kept to my exercise schedule.  Also, Mike made me ask him for permission if I wanted a treat — an occasional cookie or whatever.  I never had to ask because I never wanted such treats.  

HOLD ON, DID YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND MADE YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
I feel compelled to share my thoughts on Mike’s choice of weight loss as my first goal.  If you think the topic of being a submissive wife isn’t incendiary enough, throw in a husband’s demands about their wife’s appearance and you have a very incendiary topic.  It reeks of self-serving misogyny,  a furthering of the chauvinistic patriarchy.   It serves to objectify women which deepens the blame women get for the lustful and licentious urges of men.  It promotes women as vixens, as sirens, as monsters.

Or not.   Yeah, I guess it could be all those things, or could just be that Mike has a preference regarding my appearance and I am happy to oblige. 

My submission is about Mike’s preferences; mundane preferences regarding the household or bigger topics like sex, my behavior, or even about my personal appearance and weight.   I’ve loved the new “dress code” and I love the thinner me.  And it’s not like I am thin.  I am a good weight, not thin, not to fat.

If Mike were to ask me to lose more I would consider it, but could “veto.”  We agreed that I can use a safe word on any Quarterly Goal if I felt I could not handle it or it became too burdensome to continue.  As for the next Quarterly Goal, well, Mike hasn’t said what he has in mind.

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE?
If you recall, Mike committed to losing 12 himself.  He didn’t have to but said he wanted to provide a “supportive” environment.  Well, he is falling short.  He has lost eight and I don’t see four coming off in the next two weeks.  Obviously there is no consequences for him other than I win bragging rights.   Now is that fair?   

FAIRNESS IN D/s
I first wrote about the concept of fairness in D/s in Post 136. Submitted Wife.  I’ll try not to repeat myself.

Is it fair that Mike does not have to suffer consequences for not meeting his weight commitment?   In fact, is it fair that he doesn’t have consequences for any of his mistakes or negative behavior?  Why should I get spanked while he gets off without even a slap on the wrist?   D/s seems inherently unfair.

I imagine this idea of “unfairness” is hard for some new submisssives to accept.  To those who see it as unfiar I say that D/s is very fair.  Any idea of unfairness, while understandable, is framed in a distorted view of what “fair” means.       

I believe those who see it as unfair are confusing Fairness with Sameness.  Yes, roles and responsibilities are not the same in D/s, but that doesn’t make them inherently unfair.  I have taken on a unique role in our household, and Mike also has a unique role.  They are not the same, they require different types of commitments, thus must be judged by different criteria.  They both have consequences, but those consequences are different.

It has happened many times where I have been punished for a behavior that Mike has been guilty of too.  That is not the point.  His behavior is not in question with the roles and responsibilities we have established.   His behavior is not relevant to my Duties and Obligations – Duties and Obligations that I helped create and that I committed to.  It is no different from if some other woman behaved contrary to my rules.  So what!?!!?  It is not relevant to my performance of my Duties and Obligations.

Mike has said that punishing me for behaviors he is guilty of actually has an impact on him.  He does reflect on it and it gives him resolve to not repeat it.  But that is a by-product of a healthy D/s relationship.  It isn’t a stated requirement.

And consider that Mike has his own set of duties and obligations that differ from mine.  He has to consider the impact of his decisions.  The impact on me, on Kayla, on our relationship.  It is a big responsibility.  He has to make difficult decisions, such as what occurred in the last post, knowing those decisions could anger or disappoint me or Kayla.  With power comes great responsibility.

Yes, I find it fair that Mike is subject to his own self-discipline regarding his behavior, and that I am subject to his physical discipline regarding mine.   That’s how D/s works.  Sure, corporal punishment is the technique used to guide my behavior and reduce conflict, but that reduction in conflict gives space to love, adoration, respect, and fulfillment.  The “Discipline” in Domestic Discipline is love. Sounds fair to me.

NEXT: 203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year

2018

Holidays are a busy time.  The comings and goings of family members mean less time for TTWD.   Add to it – nothing very notable going on to write about.  Until now.

I’ve shared that since adopting Domestic Discipline almost three years ago, arguments between Mike and I are rare.   Post 44. Argument and Post 131 are the only two that come to mind.  Hummm…perhaps there are a few others.  Oh well, you get the point – rare!   

Some credit goes to my deference to Mike – more deference=less disagreement.  But the main credit is simply adopting a better communication style.  It comes down to remaining calm and respectful, thinking before you speak, and most importantly, to come from a place of inquiry – seeking to understand before being understood.  That is, make sure you get the facts on the other person’s point of view before promoting your own.  EVERYONE can do this, even outside a D/s dynamic.  Mike has always been pretty good at communicating this way, well before DD.  But for a previous control freak like me, no way.  It was not my style and without a focus on being submissive, it never would be my style.   

While it is now “my style,” I am not always perfect!   Technically this event wasn’t an argument.  I think “disagreement” is a better term as Mike never really argued his point, he simply “enforced” it.  Ha!  That’s getting ahead of the story.  Let me start from the beginning.  

NEW YEARS EVE
To ring in the new year, Mike and I and our kids were going to spend the evening at my sister’s, along with my other sis and all their kids.  The cousins all get along and would have fun with fireworks and just hanging around.

The kids were already over at my sisters and Mike and I would soon join them.  Mike and I used the opportunity to have our Sunday Maintenance Session which we had without anything noteworthy.  We were in the kitchen talking, preparing to leave in about an hour to go to my sisters. Kayla came out, dressed and ready to leave for her New Year’s night out with Michaud.  We all chit-chatted a bit when Mike, out of nowhere, told Kayla to get on her knees and give him a blow job.   Kayla had a look of surprise but didn’t hesitate to comply.

I was puzzled and while such activities were not foreign to us, it was just so unexpected, sort of mid-conversation about nothing in particular, Kayla ready to leave out the door, and then, blow job?   After a couple of minutes Mike told her to follow him to our bedroom where they then had sex.   I was perplexed and puttered around the kitchen for a while and eventually went to the bedroom to check in on them.

I walked in as they were finished and heard Mike tell her to get dressed and she could now leave to Michaud’s.  He told her not to “clean up” and to “Leave my cum inside you.”  Kayla responded with a monotone “Yes, Sir,” to which he replied, “I think that deserves more than just an acknowledgement don’t you?  What do you say to me for allowing my cum to stay inside of you?”

Kayla said, “Thank you, Sir,” in another monotone response.  She appeared very expressionless to me, no sign of anger or fear or resentment, but no sign of joy either.

OBEDIENCE FAIL
I was in full WTF mode.  I was angry.  I was not in the mindset of looking for loving intentions.  I was not seeking to understand why.  I reached my conclusions and reacted.

Kayla headed out of the bedroom – but was still within ear shot – and in a raised voice I said, “Mike, what was that about?  Why would you do that to Kayla?”

Mike immediately told me he didn’t like my tone and made it clear he didn’t “owe” me an explanation.

My tart retort was, “You may not owe me one, but you sure as hell owe her one.”  It was about that time that I could hear the front door close as Kayla left.   

Mike heard enough.  “I told you I didn’t like your tone yet you persist with the ugliness.  Drop your panties, lift your skirt, and bend over.”

I did not do so.I disagree.  I want to talk about this first.  Really, Mike, what was that about?”

Mike’s response was even more stern, “Jen, you are not in a position to disagree.  Not only are you talking disrespectfully, but you are disobeying me by not taking position for a spanking and by continuing to rudely question me .  Are you going to comply or not?”

In a defiant huff I said, “Fine, but I still disagree.” and did as he commanded. 

COMMENCE THE SPANKING
He spanked me very hard by hand, perhaps 35-40 times, and then told me.  “Now go to your room, unless you want to disagree some more.”  I restrained myself enough such that I didn’t verbally say more, but I had that disapproving scowl that said plenty.

Once in the room I disrobed and stood in the corner to wait for him, as is our normal punishment protocol.  When he came in, I immediately spoke, which is NOT in keeping with protocol. 

“Mike, I really want to understand…”

He cut me off, “Jen, I do not have to explain my treatment of Kayla.  I would have gladly shared my reasons with you had you respectfully inquired.  Since you did not, not only are you being punished, but I don’t want to reward your disobedience with an explanation of my actions.  Now, stay quiet with your nose in that corner.”  As angry as I was feeling, his stern commands actually nudged me a bit into a submissive state, albeit slightly so. (I really do thrive on his control).

He went to the closet and emerged with a paddle I affectionately call, “Mississippi.”  It is our widest paddle (as in the wide Mississippi River).  It is 4.5 inches wide and 18 inches long.  It’s not very thick – I suspect one day it may just break apart on my ass – but it sure covers a whole lot of surface area.  Is it common to have nicknames for your toys and implements?  I digress, that’ll be for another post.

ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO MISSISSIPPI. . . 
He walked over to me in the corner and quickly spanked me three or four times very hard with the paddle.  “Now take a few steps backwards and lean forward, hands on the wall, ass out as far as you can stick it.”

Mike had me count as he spanked me and in keeping with the nickname we have for this paddle, I counted,  TWHACK, “One Mississippi,”  TWHACK,  “Two Mississippi”. . . all the way to ten.  At three my butt was already on fire, and at each one after five I let out a little shriek.  I was crying by the time I got to ten.   These were hard spankings. 

ON TO THE LECTURE
Mike lectured me.  I’ve written before that lectures are a bit new to us, something we talked about doing more of since our new Contract.  Well, he gave a me a top-notch lecture expressing his disappointment in my behavior.  As he lectured, he would pause between thoughts and spank me two or three times with the Mississippi, then proceed with his lecture.

Although my crying persisted through the lecture, I was still not in a remorseful state.  This was a new experience for me.  I’ve written before that my likelihood or degree of crying tends to correlate to the amount of shame or embarrassment I feel (Post 178. Embracing Shame).   I wasn’t feeling either of those things.  My crying was more about my frustration over the lack of control I had in getting what I wanted.  Oh, and also about the painful spanking I was getting.  I think this was the first time I just didn’t agree with why I was being punished.  After all, it was Mike’s actions that prompted this.  I was still mad and focused on wanting Mike to explain himself.

My emotions were obvious and could be seen in my continued disapproving scowl and demeanor.  I think I need to learn to fake being remorseful.  Ha!  Just kidding.  That would be disingenuous and thus dishonest. But it might save me from a sore bottom some day.  Anyway. . . 

WRITING LINES
My butt was plenty red and on fire.  Mike told me to sit down and write lines. He had me alternate lines of “I  will use a respectful tone at all times when speaking with Mike.” Then “I will promptly do ask Mike commands.”  Then “I will never express concern or complaint about Mike in front of others.”  And finally, “Mike knows what is best for Kayla’s submissive needs and desires.”

He had me bend over and prop my arms on the chair and he set me off to my writing with four or five more hard swats with Mississippi.  After I wrote each phrase one time, he had me stand and he swatted me once more, then had me sit and write each phrase one time again.  Again he told me to stand, swatted me once, and then sit and write again.  This went on.     

In addition to still being angry, his hovering over me and the interruptions for the spanking between sets made it very difficult for me to focus.  Writing lines is typically a calming and focusing exercise.  It deepens the feeling of contrition – but not this time.  I wanted him to go away and just let me write, and I keep thinking about what he did instead of focusing on my writing.  I wrote in a very exaggerated manner.  My hand dotted each “i” with a “so there” staccato.  Each ‘t’ was crossed with a “take that” slash to it. My body language was anything but submissive.

I wrote 36 lines when Mike had enough.  He took the paper from me and said none of them counted.  (When I have to write lines, Mike reviews it and I am spanked for errors or sloppiness).    

SOAPING AND SPANKINGS
Mike said he didn’t want to be late to my sisters so we needed to “wrap this up.”  He took me into the bathroom, turned on the sink, lathered up a bar of soap, and told me to open my mouth.  “This is to help remind you to think before you speak.”  He rubbed the bar on my tongue then had me bite down on it and hold it in my mouth.

Mike said sternly, “The lingering taste in your mouth and sting on your butt can be your reminder the rest of the night to reflect on your behavior, now bend over.”

I bent over the bathroom sink, soap still in my mouth.

“Keep your head up and look at yourself in the mirror,” he commanded.  “You are getting 36 more since that is the number of lines you wrote in an unacceptable manner.  You are lucky I didn’t double it.” 

SURRENDER (Sort of)
36 with Mississippi is an eternity, especially after having received so many already.  Mike varied the intensity, alternating between fairly soft strokes, some medium ones and some extremely hard ones.  It was more than enough to make me start crying again.  And for the first time I got the shakes during a spanking. Mike even paused to ask me if I was okay, to which I said “Yes, Sir, you may continue.”  My body language was very submissive by the end of it.  I just wanted it over.

While I was physically surrendered, I still wasn’t mentally surrendered.  If this were a typical punishment I probably would have used a safe word to pause or even stop the spanking.  It reached an unbearable stage somewhere in the upper teens, but, I my inner voice told me that if I used a safe word I was letting him “win.”   I still felt entitled to an explanation.  I told myself if I could hold on, I would be preserving my “right” to an explanation.  Yes, very foolish to think that way, but in that moment, nothing would have convinced me to think otherwise. 

I have had punishments in the past with more spankings than this one, and even some with harder spankings than these.  But the combination of the number of them and the intensity of them along with the implement that was used made this one of my worst spankings ever.  I think overall I ended up receiving 70-75 with Mississippi – plus the 35-40 by hand to start with, and the handful I got during my Maintenance Session just a few hours earlier.  My ass was very much afire and sore.  It’s been four days and the bruises are still big and evident.

When he was finished, complete with pee rinse, he told me that he does not consider the punishment complete.  He said he expects me to stay up after we got home and start over with the lines and he wants 100 before I go to bed.   This meant the potential for even more spankings as I am spanked for any errors or sloppiness in my lines.

He also told me, “For the rest of the night, anything short of a cheerful disposition from you will be considered additional disobedience.  I want you to forget about this and get about your normal routine in your normal joyous way.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir”

Wow.  This was the most direct, demanding, and dismissive way he has ever spoken to me.  Odd thing is, I kinda liked it.  I mean, I still wanted to know why he did what he did.  But, I was turned on by his Dominance… oh, only a submissive would understand!

Even though his sternness brought a slight tingle to my nether-regions, I still wanted to know what was going through his mind to order Kayla to have sex with him.  I figured I would have to wait for our next Maintenance Session to bring this up — respectfully bring this up!

Even though the issue was not settled in my mind, I was able to put all my thoughts on hold and cheerfully go about the evening.

HAPPY NEW YEAR
Despite a very sore bottom and lingering soapy taste in my mouth, I had  a lot of fun at my sisters, as did everyone else.  By the time we got settled in back at home it was nearly 2 a.m. Mike told me to skip the lines for the night and he gave me until the end of the day to get them completed.  

Kayla got home a little after 2, Mike and I were still up.   We chatted briefly and she shared she also had a fun night.  She was in the shower as Mike and I were laying in bed when Mike brought up the subject of the days events.  

THE EXPLANATION
“Jen, I know you still want to discuss what happened.  The simple answer is that I am Kayla’s Dom and she is my submissive.  You are not entitled to anything more than that answer.   If she has questions of me then she has the ability to discuss it with me.  Do you accept that?

“I accept it, Sir.” I responded.

“I can hear the ‘butin your response,” said Mike as he easily read my body language  ( I really do need to learn how to put on a poker face).   I had to collect my thoughts as I did not want further spankings.   I kept telling myself I really want to have a discussion and to do that I must remain respectful.  I kept thinking to myself, “Loving intentions, loving intentions.  Assume loving intentions!”

“Mike, I accept you are Kayla’s Dom and she is your submissive.  I am sorry for demanding an explanation from you.  I should always assume your intentions are based on what Kayla needs and based on what she will accept from your dynamic with her.  If you are willing to share your thoughts with me about what prompted your actions, perhaps I can better understand you as a Dom, and Kayla as a submissive.  That can help me be a better submissive to you, and a better friend of Kayla’s.”   Phew, I was glad I was able to be calm and collected in my statement. 

It was about that time that Kayla got out of the shower.  Mike called Kayla over to us.  Mike asked her, “Kayla, you are aware that Jen took exception to me having sex with you before you left, aren’t you?

Yes, Sir, I heard her as I was leaving.”

“Tell me, what did you think about it?   If we were able to play that night over, knowing what you know now, would you have wished I simply let you go out without having sex with you?”

“Sir, to be honest,” Kayla calmly stated, “I was perfectly fine with it.  It took me a second to process your request simply because it was unexpected and my mind was focused on my evening with Michaud.  But it was no more than a second.  And I am grateful for what you did, no regrets.  It was exactly the kind of thing we talked about.”  

Mike smiled and said he was relieved to hear that.  He said he knew it was an “aggressive” move on his part and that there was risk.  “I know I took a risk with you emotionally, and I am happy to hear you say that I read your needs correctly.  Although it gives me a great sense of accomplishment to serve your submissive needs, please always tell me if I fail you, even in a small way.”  Mike then looked at me and said, “I don’t want to just be a Dom to either of you,  I want to be the right Dom to each of you.”

Holy shit, I feel terrible!  I can probably go an entire post for how shitty I feel about my behavior.  Mike’s behavior was in such sharp contrast to my own.  He excelled at his Dominance.  He excelled in how he maintained a calm and Dominant composure throughout me throwing my fit.  He excelled in treating Kayla in a way that she apparently appreciated and was needing from him as his submissive. Contrast that with my behavior which was a complete submissive fail.

I apologized profusely.  Mike has always been reliable when it comes to having good intentions, even before DD.  I should know to not doubt him the way that I did.  Any questions from me must always be done inquisitively, from a point of curiosity and seeking knowledge.  This is a basic foundation of any relationship built on good communication, with or without DD – and I failed.

I really should have learned by now not to doubt Mike.   Perhaps more reflections on this in another post.  Yeah, it may take a couple of posts to fully unpack emotionally.   

PS. WHAT WAS KAYLA REFERRING TO?
Of course, I had to know what Kayla meant when she told Mike, “It was exactly the type of thing we talked about.”  I respectfully asked Mike and Kayla to share what that meant.  What I learned was very interesting and unexpected.  That will also be for another post!

Yea me!  Lot’s to write about!

NEXT:  Post 202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

189. Happiness, Pleasure, Love, Intimacy, Sex: Jenny rambles

189

Don’t hold someone else responsible for your happiness or pleasure.

This has been my personal credo without really knowing it.  While I may not have always consistently lived it,  I believe Mike and I have been successful in instilling this in our children.  I believe it comes from my mom’s credo of “Love Life, Every Moment, Every Day.”  But it was Kayla that helped me fully connect to my version of that.  As my mom passed her credo on to me, I have passed my version of it on to my kids.  And, in less than a year, Kayla has come to not only understand it, but to believe in it and incorporate it into her being.  The impact has been significant.

I started this post with the intent of talking about my views on sex.  As I wrote, it morphed into something else.  So, there are two parts to this post.  The first half is a bit of a ramble inspired by the second half, which is where I finally get to my intended topic.

Oh, this is a bit of a divergence from the Kayla-Michaud saga.  I do have a little update to share on that.  But that will be for another post.   

NEW KAYLA
Gone is insecurity.  Gone is harmful behaviors.  Gone is anxiety, especially around groups.  Gone is bottled up emotions.  Gone is indecisiveness.  The list goes on.  It’s been quite a transformation in the last ten months.  And she looks more healthy.  Her body language and general “glow” about her personifies her new found positive energy.

From her manifesto, to how she has handled every aspect of our relationship over the last ten months, to how she is handling Michaud thus far — Simply put, she has found herself and is pleased with what she has found.

She deserves the credit as she forced herself to open up.  She accepted significant changes in her environment.  She allowed her perceptions about life and herself to be challenged (that is extremely difficult for anyone!).  Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable requires a lot of strength.   There’s that “vulnerability” thing again.  I seem to write a lot about its’ power (Posts 67, 68, 129, 134 to name a few).

I believe I’ve come to realize that vulnerability is the path to taking responsibility for your happiness and pleasure.  Vulnerability is about opening up your complete and true self and then taking responsibility for your complete and true self.  In so doing, you allow your complete and true self to be your core source of happiness and pleasure. 

ISN’T IT IRONIC?
A bit of irony with this creed is that if it is not already instilled within you, it may require the help of someone else to help you fully live it, as it did for Kayla.  I believe some of you may say, “But Jenny, the irony doesn’t end there.  Isn’t Domestic Discipline all about giving up responsibility of yourself to your husband?”

My unequivocal answer is, “NO! Not even close.”

Pre-DD I thought I was living both this creed and my mother’s.  While I guess I was to some degree, I was inconsistent and failed to realize something extremely important to living this creed.  Simply, the creed applies to others as well.  I am not responsible for OTHER’s happiness and pleasure.   It wasn’t until I embraced DD that I truly was focused on my happiness and pleasure first.  

My DD was about taking responsibility for all the things that got in the way of my happiness and pleasure.  More specifically, my behaviors and thinking (i.e. my “intentions”) were the source of my unhappiness. (Post 30. I Found my Thrill is all about that).

In Domestic Discipline, we codify our behaviors and thinking under headings like Honesty, Obedience, and Safety.  And we refer to violations of these things as being “Disobedient.”  We then take responsibility for those violations through what we call “Discipline.”  We allow someone to administer that Discipline.  The disciplinarian is not responsible for our actions and happiness.  

For as much as I have been referring to our “3.0 DD” as no longer being “mine,” I now realize it is still totally mine.  I am responsible for it.  Mike in many ways is simply the administrator of it.  That is not to diminish the importance of his role.  It simply recognizes that ultimately, it is still DD, Jenny Style.

Okay.  I didn’t intend to go that route with this post, but it was a nice realization for me and it connects things full circle back to vulnerability and letting go of my intentions (which I touch on in all those posts I’ve linked to throughout the post thus far).

Now then, I intended to share how this creed ties into my views on sex.  So, let’s talk about sex!

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
Mike, Kayla, and I talk about sex with the casualness typically reserved for talking about the weather or what to have for dinner.  We were having one of these conversations in the context of Kayla’s impending coitus with Michaud.  I thought my take on things might be of interest.

This is a bit disjointed as these were snippets of thoughts I had throughout the conversation, which was too lengthy (and boring) to share in full.  But, I think it conveys some of my “major talking points.”  Ha.

Here it comes again.  It starts will vulnerability!  You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to truthfully and completely talk about sex.  I believe people who openly and honestly engage in a discussion about the physical feelings of sex along with the issues of both intimacy and passion are the ones most likely to have a thriving and fulfilling sex life.  It takes a lot of vulnerability to have such a discussion.

In my opinion, an otherwise healthy relationship can be a healthy sexual relationship if you recognize that love, intimacy, and sex can go hand in hand, but doesn’t have to.  If we expect them to all be one and the same, we’re likely to be unhappy and likely to make our partner unhappy.  Recognizing that can help solve a lot of problems both in and outside of our relationships.

If we come to relationships understanding that great love doesn’t always equate to great sex — and — that sex isn’t an automatic by-product of intimacy —  and — love can exist beautifully with or without intimacy or with or without sex or particular sexual acts — and — sex can exist beautifully with or without love — and — making love, intimacy, and sex all work together takes some effort, and such effort should always be enjoyable, enlightening and engaging — and— here it comes, We are Solely Responsible for our Own Happiness and Pleasure. . . including happiness and pleasure from sex, love, and intimacy  — if we do all of that, then, I believe we can have a sex life full of true happiness, pleasure, and fulfillment.

MANAGING ISN’T INSTIGATING
I believe many people never buy into that, especially women.  Instead, many people simply manage their happiness, manage their pleasure, manage their sex, love, and intimacy.  They work within unspoken assumptions that they have and that they misinterpret (but never question).  Those can be assumptions about themselves, or about their partner.  They never venture outside these assumptions.  They never test or even speak about those assumptions.  The thought of open dialogue about such things creates a vulnerability that is too great to imagine. Thus, you continue to just get along and manage instead of engaging and growing.

INSTIGATING MY HAPPINESS
That’s where I was pre-DD.  I assumed I was “loving life, every moment every day.”  But as soon as I woke up and realized I wasn’t truly fulfilled, I immediately responded with my own creed.   I took responsibility for my happiness and pleasure. . . . as well as sex, intimacy, and love.  And in my first step towards “waking up” I had to become vulnerable to myself.  I explored my thoughts and challenged my assumptions about happiness and pleasure.  I then made myself vulnerable to Mike and explored and challenged those things with him.

Taking responsibility forces you to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  I became the instigator of my happiness.  I “forced” Mike and I to address things we never addressed before.  We talked about what happiness was for us, what pleasure was for us (both sexual and otherwise).  We freed ourselves to share and act on many thoughts and desires.  In doing so I instigated our growth, our evolution, our intimacy, and our sexual adventure.

MY ADVICE
Become the instigator of your happiness, of your love, of your pleasure.  Again, not saying you do that through DD or any kink. That’s where it led me and it’s worked wonders, but I am sure it leads to many different paths that have a common theme — fulfillment and joy in life!

Okay, enough of my rambles. I’ve got a cute story to share re Kayla and Michaud.  Next post!

NEXT: 190. Web Cam Virgin

 

 

181. Domestic Financial Discipline

181

Now it’s time for some financial tips, DD style!   Ha.

Whether or not your relationship registers on the kink-spectrum, money can be a challenging topic for any couple.  I thought I’d share how Mike and I handle finances.  Yes, boring! You want to read about a spanking or two.  Sorry, but even kinksters have to address everyday issues and determine to what extent those issues incorporate their chosen relationship dynamic.  A post by NaughtyNora prompted me to share how Mike and I handle finances.

MONEY
Control of money is associated with power.  Giving a submissive any control over the finances seems counter-intuitive to a D/s relationship.  However, some relationships consider it a household task, akin to cleaning, thus no issue with the sub being responsible for the money.   Basically, if the Dom doesn’t like to deal with it, whether it be finances or anything else, then it makes sense that the sub takes care it.  

As with all things D/s, it is up to each relationship to define the level and types of D/s behaviors work for them.  There is no set rules, no D/s club to be kicked out of.  The only rule is you must do whatever it is that you find works for your relationship.   That may mean the sub is very involved when it comes to the finances.  Then again, it may mean they aren’t involved at all.

This seems weird, but I feel like this post is more personal than others?!?  Funny how talking money seems more personal than talking sex and kink?  Odd, isn’t it?  Anyway….

HOW WE DO IT
Mike and I use a system we adopted about four years prior to us adopting Domestic Discipline, so nothing Dominant or Submissive was intended.  It simply helped me better understand what is truly available to spend on our day-to-day needs.

For us, even though it seems that Mike yields the most “power” with the finances, he reminds me that because I spend 90-95% of the money (outside our fixed bills), I am the one with the power to make or break our finances.  It is my behavior in regards to financial decisions that has the greatest significant influence on the finances.    So how can it be that Mike has the “power” yet I have all the “influence?”

TWO JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNTS
We have two primary checking accounts.  We are both on each account and can both monitor account activity.  One checking account is our “Bills” account.  The other is our “Day to Day” account.

The Bills account is where Mike’s paycheck is deposited and where all our monthly bills are paid; mortgage, utilities, savings, etc.  All are done via automatic withdrawal so there are never checks to write… and yes, we consider “savings” as an expense.  It is the only way to be disciplined with savings is to simply set aside a fixed amount every month, no matter what, just like a bill.

Mike will calculate how much money, until his next paycheck,  is left over from his current check once all the bills that are coming due are subtracted.  He leaves a small cushion and then simply transfers what isn’t needed over into the Day to Day.   For instance;

  • $4,000 balance in the Bills Account
  • $2,600 in bills to be paid before the next paycheck
  • $150 cushion to stay in the Bills Account
  • $1,250 to transfer to Day-to-Day Account ($4,000 – 2,600 – $150).

This means we have $1,250 for groceries, gas, clothing, entertainment, or whatever comes up over the next two weeks.  While be both use the Day-to-Day, I probably account for 90-95% of what is spent from this account. 

Mike and I may discuss whether or not the Day-to-Day account needs the full $1,250.  For instance, maybe there is still a $500 balance in the Day-to-Day before he transfers.  If  we know we don’t have any particular unexpected day-to-day expenses coming up, we may agree that $1,750 is way more than what is needed for the next two weeks.  Thus, Mike may decide to just transfer $1,000 over instead of $1,250, and put an extra $250 into savings.

Conversely,  if we plan on spending more than normal, say back to school clothing for J, Mike may decide to transfer $1,500 instead of $1,250, and take the $250 out of savings.  Although I have access to all the accounts, we agreed that Mike would make the decisions on whether or not to ever take money out of savings.

TWO JOINT SAVINGS ACCOUNTS
We have two joint savings accounts.  One is a “true” savings account where we save for big ticket items and the unexpected.  The other is specifically for medical expenses (yes, this is America where healthcare is a constant threat to the finances).  Since our health insurance has very high deductibles, we have enough set aside to fully pay those deductibles at any time, thus an unexpected health event won’t hit our “true’ savings.

Given J’s high medical bills each year, we always know we are going to pay his out-of-pocket maximum every year ($5,000).  Thus, about $192 of every paycheck goes into our “Medical” account so we replenish the $5,000 we spent during the year on J’s care.  In addition there is HSA money put aside through Mike’s employer, but that helps cover the rest of our family out-of-pocket costs and other medical care that insurance doesn’t cover.  Overall structure is a bit more complicated than I state here, but suffice to say, we have a lot of money set aside specifically for healthcare.  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!

NO CREDIT CARDS
We do have a joint credit card account – however, I don’t keep a credit card, only Mike has one (yes, only one credit card!).  This is for emergencies and rarely gets used and quickly, if not immediately, gets paid off.  

HOW IT HELPS ME
The purpose of all these accounts was to help me – not as a submissive – but as a money manager.  I was never good with money as to me, money serves one purpose — to spend it.  If you aren’t spending it, then it really isn’t money, right?   There was a time that I felt if there was money in the account, then it could be spent.  Even though I consider myself educated, college degree and all that, and I can rationalize that there are bills that aren’t due yet but will have to be paid…. I still had this issue that if there was money in the account, it was there to spend.  Thus I had a lot of overspending issues in my life.

Lastly, both of us agreed it was important for me to be on all the accounts and for me to understand what money was where.  This isn’t about power, it is about practicality and safety.  If something unexpected were to happen to Mike, I need to know and have access to the money plus I need to learn how to stick to a budget if he is gone.  I now feel I have the financial discipline to handle it. 

ADD SOME DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE
Mike came up with this “Bills” versus “Day-to-day” and separating the savings accounts so that I could better visualize what was actually available for me to spend over a certain amount of time.  It worked wonders in establishing Financial Discipline for me.   

Now add in the Domestic Discipline!  I can not purchase anything other than essentials without Mike’s permission.  The result?  Wow, we are saving more money then every before!  Which means maybe Mike retires a year or two earlier and/or we have nicer vacations, more spa days, our XXX-mas shopping spree, and our clothing shopping spree.

Peaceful financial matrimony. . . make that,  MATRIMONEY! 

NEXT:  Post 182.  Hello, my name is Kayla


180. Time for Discipline

180
Time and Money.  Spanking and Discipline.  Can they mix?  You bet!

I was reading various blogs and was inspired to share how Mike and I address these two topics.   

  • Time – the timeliness of being disciplined. 
  • Money – how one manages it in a D/s relationship.I will address “Time” in this post and “Money” in the next.

These seemingly mundane topics must be addressed in every D/s relationship.  Of course, the money issue needs to be addressed whether or not the relationship registers anywhere on the kink-spectrum.  Let’s start with the timeliness of discipline

PROMPT DISCIPLINE
I don’t remember which blog I was reading (sorry if was yours) but it mentioned the subs desire to be disciplined soon after their disobedience.  Understandable.  It went on to say their Dom should create a statute of limitations such that if she couldn’t be disciplined within a specific amount of time, then there would be no discipline.  I don’t believe she was fully serious and was just venting frustration over delayed discipline, but the point is still valid.    

DELAY = MORE
Mike and I addressed delayed punishments in our current Contract.  Our current contract has an expectation that Discipline will occur promptly and neither party will do anything to unnecessarily cause a delay.  Our 2015 Contract specified that delayed punishments would be cause for more severe discipline as I should not ever put Mike in the position of not being able to promptly discipline me.  In other words, misbehaving in public could warrant more significant discipline.  We didn’t specify this in our current agreement; however, all discipline is at Mike’s discretion and it is understood that delayed punishments still carry stiffer disciplinary action.

From a submissive mindset perspective, I like our approach of having greater consequences for delayed punishments.   After all, I should not put Mike in such a position to have to delay my discipline.  It helps me since the discipline may be far removed from my actual disobedience, yet, recognizing it as being disciplined due to the DELAY helps to better connect it to my disobedience.  Make sense?  Maybe not.  It’s a sub thing.   

COMMITTED DOM
As the timing of misbehavior is not always convenient, it takes a committed Dom to want to stick to timely discipline.  Mike has made it clear he will always seek to administer discipline as quickly as possible.  He will leave a function, or movie, a store, or whatever we happen to be doing, in order to administer discipline as timely as possible.

PRIVACY
The simplest way Mike minimizes delay in my discipline is to seek a private spot in which to spank me.  A family restroom or any restroom with a lock will do, or, a quick trip to the car often will suffice.  We developed a “car routine” that works well when I need to be promptly spanked.  

There’s been a few times where Mike has pulled into a gas station and spanked me with his belt in the bathroom.  We know of one chain of stations that typically has a pair of single stall unisex bathrooms with a lock.  Perfect!  The only downside is these bathrooms are like echo chambers – at least they are typically in the back of the store!

Mike even pulled over on the side of the road one time.  He had me get in the backseat and then he spanked me.  I had to stay naked in the backseat the rest of the way home.  It was at night and it helps that our windows are tinted.  When we had to stop at lights I am sure people could have seen in.   

THE RIGHT TOOLS
Mike has this nondescript piece of wood.  It is 17 inches long, three-quarters of an inch thick, and 2.5 inches wide.  We think it is pine, but not sure.  He doesn’t remember where it came from, only that he came across it in our backyard shed.  Since it isn’t shaped like a paddle, it can stay in the car without causing the need to have to explain other than, “Huh, I am no sure why that’s in there.”  It also fits under the seat, out of sight. 

The beauty of it (if you want to call it that) is that it packs a solid impact without much back swing.  It is easy to administer in the car where room is limited.  It also allows for a hard spanking without a lot of whacks, thus can be very quick, yet effective.  I get into the back seat, pull down my pants, Mike takes a quick look around to make sure no one is walking by, then he quickly spanks me.  Taa-daa, timely discipline!

Discipline delayed is discipline denied! 

NEXT:  181.  Domestic Financial Discipline