Tag Archives: marriage

234. Calculate Your Domestic Discipline Readiness

234

Anniversaries are a wonderful time to reflect, reminisce, and take stock of where it all began.   March 17 marked three years since Mike and I formally adopted Domestic Discipline.  

There are so many positives in my life

  • The Relationships:  Kayla, John and Donna, Matt.
  • The Household Processes:  finances, cleanliness, order
  • Marital Health:  absence of arguments and tension
  • The kids:  all well on the children front (okay, 2 of them are adults, but, they are always your children regardless how hold they get).
  • Mental Health:  overall “nourished” feeling about life.     

Our DD currently feel effortless – more so than at any other time.  We continue on this good groove,  attributed to finding the right balance after taking a few months to adjust to our October contract.  In it we adjusted our Maintenance Sessions,  added Rituals, the added mantras, a dress code, and other items.  Those changes completed the seemly subtle, yet significantly impactful, evolution of going from being “submissive to Mike” towards being “Mike’s submissive.”   

I guess 20+ years of working at it with negligible results gave us the motivation and mindset to work hard at mastering our DD.      

HOW WE’VE DONE IT
I’ve opined as to why DD has worked for us. If you’re new, go 
to My Shortcuts and check out the posts under “Finding My Happiness” or “Thoughts on Being Submissive.”  I re-read a lot of those posts and realize I’ve left off two foundational pillars of successfully exploring DD.  All else, the fun, the love, the vulnerability, the discipline, the eroticism, the tears, and the journey—are built upon consent and trust.   Let’s explore Consent and Trust, Jenny style.

CONSENT = PERMISSION + AGREEMENT 
I am not referring to the simple, “No means no” consent.   I am coming from the perspective of an established consensual relationship that is considering DD.  

There are two parts of my consent equation.    

  • Part One:  Grant permission.
    Easy to understand, not always easy to execute.
    Requires communicating how you allow the person to treat you.
    Sounds simple, but not if you don’t yet know what it is you will or won’t accept. 

Jenny’s tip:  Not sure what you want?  Start with communicating how you feel and how you want to feel.  This gets you and your partner on the path towards filling in the blanks regarding what you both are willing to accept (rules, punishments, etc).

I had reservations about granting Mike permission to spank me or discipline me in any way.  I didn’t wait to fully reconcile those reservations — else I would still be waiting.  With enough communication, I felt he basically understood what I would allow and I felt I basically understood what he was willing to do.

  • Part two:   Understand and Accept the permission being granted to you.
    Hard to understand, hard to execute.
    This requires being receptive to, and understanding of, what it is the other person wants to give.  
    Two potential areas of failure.
    –  One, you may not be receptive to what the other person wants.  Someone may give you consent to spank them, but if you don’t want to do it, there is no consent in the relationship for spanking.
    –  Two, you may be receptive, but you don’t understand it.  You think you understood what they wanted, and when you delivered it, they resisted or resented.
    This requires communication and trial and error (see Tip below).
    Before we started DD, Mike and I had lots of discussions – sharing our thoughts, concerns, research.  Once implemented, our Maintenance Sessions have been a vital communication and calibration tool – even three years later.  

    If either part of consent is absent, I see lots of starts and stops, ups and downs, and a very challenging time ahead.

Jenny’s Tip:   Don’t wait on perfection.  You can talk this to death and never get anywhere.  No matter how well you articulate your needs via the permission you grant someone (Part One), those needs will never be FULLY understood (Part Two) until you actually start doing it.   Some times to best understand something, you just have to experience it.  Communicate to the point you feel there is sufficient consent, such that, with Trust, you are ready to try DD.  What constitutes Trust?

TRUST
A DD myth is that it is about abuse and, well, weirdness.  Actually, it’s about trust (okay, and perhaps a little weirdness, so what?).  In DD, trust goes beyond a simple confidence in someone else.  Trust trumps the possibility of harm and embarrassment.  The result is incredible intimacy.  Once it starts, it snowballs.  The intimacy creates clarity in communicating, improving consent and trust, thus improving intimacy.  Repeat.

It is this feeling of trust that enables you to share your desires with your partner.  Without trust, you’ll never be able to share, thus never able to begin to truly address consent.  There are three parts to my trust in Mike: 

  1. Part One:  Hearing each other
    Confidence that we listen to each other’s needs  – both stated and unstated. 

    Jenny’s Tip:  This can only happen if you actually communicate your needs. 
    And not in some “code” or inference, but directly stating what you need and want.  This is not easy. 
  2. Part Two:  Understanding each other.
    Confidence that Mike understands what I am saying (and I understand what he is saying).  Not just the words, as we often fumble for the right words – but we find an understanding about the intent and the meaning behind the words we say.

    Jenny’s Tip:  Sorry, but this is NOT done through osmosis like most relationships expect and believe.   Nope, it requires dialogue.  Not just a, “Okay” or “I get it,” response, but a back and forth, open and frank, self-revealing emotional conversation.   As such, Part Two tends to be the hard one! 
  3. Part Three:  I accept myself / Mike accepts himself
    If I am fearful or full of self-loathing, I may fool myself into believing I have accomplished Part One and Two of Trust.  If I am desperate, I may simply wish he heard my thoughts and feelings and read between the lines because I would be too afraid to fully reveal them.  Simply put, you can’t trust someone else if you don’t trust yourself.

    Jenny’s Tip:  Accepting myself doesn’t mean I have made sense of my feelings.  I can still have doubts.  I did not understand why DD appealed to me.  I accepted that it resonated with me in a way nothing else did.  I accepted my feelings without of shame or guilt. . . had to correct myself there.  I accepted my negative thoughts but didn’t let them impact what I thought about my worthiness as a person or wife.  I knew the idea of DD would sound irrational to Mike.   It is entirely okay if your feelings are irrational — just share them. THIS HAS BEEN HARD FOR ME because I tend to want to reconcile and rationalize my thoughts before sharing them.  I have come to understand that people relate to irrational thoughts — because we all have them.  Air them with your partner, and you’ll be on the path towards trust, and ultimately consent. 

THE COMMON FACTOR IN CONSENT AND TRUST
Clear, frank, self-revealing emotional communication.  Yes, I already stated that before, but it was worth repeating because it is difficult.  Most couples don’t discuss their needs, especially not when it comes to DD or kink.  This diminishes intimacy, diminishes their ability to consent, and erodes trust.  DD absolutely requires ongoing, detailed discussion.

Delving into Domestic Discipline often means exploring parts of yourself and your relationship that you are unsure of.  How do you effectively communicate something that you are unsure of?   With difficulty.  But a foundation of consent and trust makes it less difficult and provides a means by which through ongoing communication, you become more and more sure of yourself, sure of your partner, and sure of you DD.

DD READINESS FORMULA
Since I stated happiness as a formula, I’ll summarize a “readiness formula” to evaluate the likelihood your relationship can successfully engage or sustain DD (or any kink).

The formula is: (( P + A ) (5T)) – 100O) = Readiness to engage DD

That is, Permission + Acceptance (aka Consent), multiplied by 5 times Trust, then subtract 100 times the frequency at which you rely on Osmosis versus open and honest communication with your partner.   Yes, if osmosis is your go-to communication technique, exploring DD or kink is probably not for you.

This will undeniably, irrefutably, indisputably, and incontrovertibly determine your relationships readiness to engage in Domestic Discipline (or kink in general).

At least I think so.  Maybe not?

Next: 235. Seeking inspiration

224. It’s all good: Behavior, Life, Love, Openness, Nudity

224

I feel so alive right now and in such a good groove on so many levels.

BEHAVIOR IS GOOD
I haven’t been disciplined in just over two weeks now.  I didn’t even get a chance to share my last spanking, so here it is in brevity.

I told someone I email back and forth with the city in which I live.  That is a no-no, and a big one.  Mike is very tired of me pushing the limits of our privacy rules.  The spanking was significant, even more than the New Years Eve one, and include the very real threat of losing my blog if I ever again disclose things like that without his permission.  Mike has shown he does not make idle threats.   He means it.

I was going to have a post all about it but it’s been so long I no longer feel compelled to share.  Suffice to say I was feeling pretty down about it.   I feel bad for pushing Mike to the point he had to make such a “nuclear” threat.  Compounding my feelings was that it was all part of about 4-6 weeks of some major “submission” fails in my book.

It caused me to focus more intently on adhering to my commitments and it paid off – like I said, I am now just over two weeks since my last disciplining.  As much as I prefer not being disciplined, two weeks discipline-free makes me all the more thankful for our maintenance sessions!  They have been welcomed and critical to helping me stay in a submissive mindset.  

LIFE IS GOOD!
Things are great on the D/s front, I am enjoying my volunteer work, J is doing great health and behavior-wise, T2 will be graduating college in May and has two job offers he is considering (leaning towards taking one in San Diego), and T1’s upcoming nuptials fill the air with excitement.  Kayla is wrapping up her first year of grad school (excellent grades), and seems to be in a good grove with her boyfriend, Michaud.  

LOVE IS GOOD!
Mike’s work is going well, and our relationship has never been stronger.  Mike and Kayla have also become exceptionally close and it warms my heart to witness it.  And my relationship with Kayla is strong as well.

We are human, so occasionally there are petty things that come up, but we hit them head on and talk about them whenever they arise – never let them fester.  Typically it deals with differences in how Mike treats us.  We all understand we have differences in our relationships with each other, in our needs as individuals, and in what Kayla and I thrive in as submissives.  But still, there are times we need to remind ourselves to appreciate these differences and not let them interfere in our happiness. 

Thankfully, such interference is few and far between.  I only mention it so as not to paint an inaccurate picture of constant bliss.  We are human, thus subject to the frailty of human emotions.   And a poly relationship with a married couple can exploit those frailties for everyone involved.   Thus communication and love is so extra important.    Love conquers all!

OPENNESS IS GOOD
Adding to all of that, it feels wonderful to be more open with who we are.  I know this seems contrary to Mike’s fervor over online privacy.   He draws a distinction between not hiding in the real world and being “out there” online.  He was feeling it was unfair to Kayla for us to have to hide things, as if we were embarrassed by it, which we were not.  And he felt i
t would be unfair for our kids to learn of it some other way.  And as for D/s, he wasn’t  enthusiastic with sharing, but he recognized it was also too difficult to keep hidden from those that frequently interact with us. 

He also knows my proclivity to push any flexibility he showsif I had my way, I’d be on YouTube singing the praises of my lifestyle choices.  Thus he has drawn a line with what I can and can’t share online and expects me to adhere to it.  And in “real world,” he still does not want us talking about it for no reason or without his permission – and when we do, give the least amount of information as needed.

Oh, one major “openness” breakthrough with Mike has to do with Kayla.  At times when she has to be introduced, we’ve given the awkward, “She is a family friend who is staying with us until she finishes school.”  (Post 112).  This description always made us feel bad, as if we were discounting what Kayla means to us.  Now, if asked or if simply introducing her, she will be “my girlfriend, Kayla.”   Easy enough for me to get away with without people thinking anything of it, as the term has platonic connotations when I say it.  But Mike will also be saying this.  It will certainly raise some eyebrows.  I am excited for Kayla as I know it makes her feel very good – very valued – that we are willing to do this.

NUDITY IS GOOD
E’s revelation excites me.  I’ve shared a little bit about my upbringing in so far as some of the values championed by my mother than were instilled in me.  Here’s a tidbit I haven’t shared before that is both curious and humorous.  I was a child nudist!  

My parents told me my penchant for wearing my birthday suit began as soon as I was able to take my own clothes off – and even before I was potty trained.  Once i figured out I could pull a diaper off, off they came.  Suffice to say my parents had extra incentive to quickly get me potty trained. 

My mom said I would complain that clothing was “heavy and itchy.”  I think I had some overactive tactile response to clothing.  She would try to get me light and loose-fitting materials, but no avail.  By around age 5 we seemed to have negotiated an arrangement where I was always naked at home, but understood I needed to wear clothes when certain people came over or we went out.  My parents were very accommodating, never making me feel bad for wanting to be clothes free.  Their “everyone else has clothes on” seemed to convince me that I should too without feeling bad for preferring to be naked.

At the start of first grade (just turned 6) I got the “you’re a big girl now, going to school, yadda yadda. . . thus you need to start wearing clothes.”  I remember not understanding why it was a big deal to be naked at home.  I vividly remember my mom asking me at what age I think I should stop being naked around the house.  I told her, “when I have boobies because that’s what bothers people.”  I once thought this innocent answer was cute, but grew to take it as a sad commentary that still applies to society’s views on nudity.  I digress.

Growing up there wasn’t a lot of nudity (other than me) in the house, but there also wasn’t any shame in it.  If I happened to wander in at an inopportune moment, neither my parents or siblings cared – and any questions were met with age appropriate answers – much like how Mike and I run our household.  

On my seventh birthday, I boldly announced my decision to start wearing clothes around the house.  I remember it made me feel grown up to proclaim this, even though I still wanted to be naked.  At that point I confined my nudity mostly to my room.  My routine was after a bath I would dry off and stay naked as I made my way to my room and I slept in the nude.  It stayed that way all the way until college.  From there I got in the habit of wearing pajamas and pretty much retained that habit until embracing D/s.  

Today, being naked around the house has rekindled the “naturist” within me.  I loved it last year when Mike, Kayla, and I were nude on our Immersion get-away.   And now with E, I’ve found a kindred spirit in the desire to be clothes-free.  Fortunately, Mike is supportive.  We are eagerly planning a getaway this summer.

A question remains whether we will bring J with us.  We might go during the two weeks of the summer he spends at my parents.  But we also might just take him.  The nudity isn’t a concern for us, it is the accommodations.  With his disability there is a lot we have to consider, from accessibility, dietary needs, and entertainment.  If we can find the right place, we may take him, otherwise, we won’t.

Oh, this reminds me of a skinny dipping story of my youth!  Perhaps on my next post!

Post 225. Pansexual (and a skinny dip story)

219. I am Angry (and that’s okay)

219

Last night Mike told me I can not attend the Super Bowl party.  I am to use this time alone, while they are having fun, to do “all I want” online.   All the other restrictions remain in place until further notice and my internet restrictions will resume once they get back from the party.  I am not happy.  I am angry.

I didn’t sleep well.  I journaled until lights out, trying my best to get out all my jumbled rage.  Even with the lights out I let the rage play out in my head as I tossed and turned.  My mind was focused on how terrible it was for Mike to keep me from the party.   I am glad I get to finally type this out.  Writing always helps.

I rewrote this post many times.  Each rendition became less angry.  Writing is wonderful that way.  It’s good to vent, even just in writing.  However, I want to give you a glimpse into where I started emotionally.  I am neither defending or apologizing for these feelings.  They simply represent what was going on in my heart.   

While you will see I made progress in reconciling my anger, the healing process is just that – a process.  The acute, sharp pain is gone, but remnants remain.  I can sense they are slowly fading, but, they are not gone.  

I put this into two posts –  on on my anger, and one on my healing.

ANGER
When Mike told me the news, I managed to give a less-than-heartfelt, “Yes, Sir.”  I couldn’t even make eye contact with Mike when I said it.  Too many emotions bubbling.  

It isn’t that I am a football fan – it is about the social aspect.  We have so much fun!  I have so much fun! And the sex is fun!   And it is tradition – Mike and I were doing this long before DD, before John and Donna – all the way back to when we were first dating.  We hang out together for the Super Bowl.  It’s what we do and have done for over 25 years.  MIKE AND I ALWAYS DO IT TOGETHER.

I’ve been so good all week.  I was expecting Mike to tell me he was ending the restrictions and I was anticipating a day of fun together.   Instead, I can’t go to the party AND all the restrictions are staying in place (except for being able to go online while they are at the party).  Hrumpf!!! 

I was glad to have our Sunday Maintenance session before they left for the party.   They left for the party around 1:00 – yeah, it is a long and fun party.  Of course, because I am so lucky, I get to have my Maintenance before they go to have their fun. Yea, me! (That wasn’t too subtle with the sarcasm was it?  I hope not). 

I got all the catch up spankings that were “banked.”  Three separate sets of spankings for various misbehavior, and 28 spankings for errors he found in the 700 lines I wrote over the course of the week.  I was so anxious to speak that despite an awful lot of spankings and a very sore bottom, the discomfort didn’t even register in my mind.  Finally,  I get to speak!

I did my best to plan my words in advance – humble, respectful, and calm.  But in the moment, adrenaline kicks in (or is that anger?).  Despite my best efforts, anger is hard to hide.  Not only was Mike unmoved, but after one warning, I was spanked for the tone I was using.  On the third offense, he gave me lines.  I think he gave me the lines instead of another spanking because I actually made him angry.  He was aware enough to not spank me in anger.  Not that the lines won’t mean more spanking later, but, at least he will be calm.

I know he purposely left me my internet time today to serve as further punishment.  It isn’t lost on me that while they are partying it up, I am spending time doing the very things that got me on restriction to begin with.   Part of me wants to show him by not even logging on.  But, he did say, “you will use this time to do what you want online.”  It wasn’t a suggestion.  Plus the writing always helps me vent.    

I have never felt so upset over my discipline.  I don’t agree with it, I feel it is excessive, he is treating me like a child.  I am so good to him.  I have accepted all the restrictions without complaint.  I deserve to go to the party.   Just spank me and get over it.  I am not a child. 

NOT A CHILD!
I get the irony.  Spanking me somehow isn’t treating me like a child, but not allowing me to go to a party is?   Well, bite me!   Yes, Mike spanks me, disciplines me in other ways, scolds me, instructs me, etc.  I concede they are consistent with describing a parental authority figure.  There is no explaining or convincing anyone – you just have to be someone who is fulfilled by being submissive to understand it.  This particular course of discipline has me feeling like I am being treated like a child.

IF NOT A CHILD, STOP BEHAVING LIKE ONE
I admit it!  I am sure at least one of you out there was already thinking it.  My feelings match my behavior and thinking.  I am behaving and thinking like a child.  I am upset because I am not getting what I want!   There, I said it.  Is that so bad?  I want to be there.  

SUBMISSION FAILING ME
I want to behave the right way, I want to accept this the right way, I want to submit to his decision — even if it is uncomfortable to do so.  That is what submission is.  blah blah blah.  Sorry, I feel what I feel and currently my feelings goes beyond being uncomfortable.  I am mad!

Disagreeing with Mike feels awful, like I am undermining my submission.  It’s like I can feel my emotions are betraying my devotion to Mike, but I can’t stop them.  I am still mad and I still feel I should be at the party!

It disturbs me that I am upset with Mike for “doing this to me,” and it disturbs me that my heart, my attitude, and my commitment towards submission isn’t helping me deal with this difficulty.    I am disturbed because I know that isn’t the “right way” to feel, but screw it, that’s how I feel.

Take a breath — remind myself that anger isn’t an emotion.  Anger covers up emotions.  So, what is it that I am feeling that is triggering the anger?

JEALOUSY?
I am not jealous of Kayla. I am happy she gets to attend. I know she looked forward to it, not just the social aspect of course, but the sexual exploration.  Three men!  I do wish I could be there for that.  I trust Mike, as does Kayla, but it would be prudent to have another set of eyes and ears focused on how Kayla was doing – namely, MY eyes and ears.  See, it isn’t just for me that I should be there.  It would benefit Kayla!

I do feel jealous of Mike!  This is very odd for me and it surprises me.  I don’t like this feeling, but it is there none-the-less.  Why does HE get to attend and I don’t?  Why does he get to enjoy our annual day of fun and I don’t?

As I think more about it, I do feel jealousy towards Mike, Kayla, John and Donna.  Why do people I love get to have such fun and new experiences without me when I am supposed to be there and deserve to be there?

ISOLATION?
I’ve had a week of feeling isolated.  Sure, physically I’ve been home and others have been around.  But the restrictions served to isolate me.  I feel like there will be this constant reminder of missing this party.  All of them are sure to talk of it and share their stories.  I don’t want to relive missing out on it by hearing their stories.   There will be the inevitable, “Hey Jen, remember that Super Bowl  when…”  and then it will be like, “Oh yeah, you weren’t there.”   

I’ve been crying since they left, wallowing in my misery!  And yes, I fully identify with the feeling of isolation right now.

NOT WORTHY? 
It’s like Mike pushed me aside and doesn’t want me to enjoy what is our traditional and expected day and evening of fun.  He will throw that tradition away for what?  To make a point about my behavior?

I try to remind myself that submitting to Mike’s discipline has been a good thing.  Pre-DD, if there was something I disagreed with this strongly, believe me, it would have meant yelling and screaming – days, if not weeks of resentment.  Now THAT was childish.  Not only did that mean lots of emotional anguish, but it was often very hard to fully heal from those types of arguments.

Ah!  To heal.  That’s a great word. 

Maybe it’s time to focus on that.  Time to try and focus on healing my misery.  

I ask myself a simple question regarding my anger. Can submission lead me to find healing?” 

Next:  220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline

189. Happiness, Pleasure, Love, Intimacy, Sex: Jenny rambles

189

Don’t hold someone else responsible for your happiness or pleasure.

This has been my personal credo without really knowing it.  While I may not have always consistently lived it,  I believe Mike and I have been successful in instilling this in our children.  I believe it comes from my mom’s credo of “Love Life, Every Moment, Every Day.”  But it was Kayla that helped me fully connect to my version of that.  As my mom passed her credo on to me, I have passed my version of it on to my kids.  And, in less than a year, Kayla has come to not only understand it, but to believe in it and incorporate it into her being.  The impact has been significant.

I started this post with the intent of talking about my views on sex.  As I wrote, it morphed into something else.  So, there are two parts to this post.  The first half is a bit of a ramble inspired by the second half, which is where I finally get to my intended topic.

Oh, this is a bit of a divergence from the Kayla-Michaud saga.  I do have a little update to share on that.  But that will be for another post.   

NEW KAYLA
Gone is insecurity.  Gone is harmful behaviors.  Gone is anxiety, especially around groups.  Gone is bottled up emotions.  Gone is indecisiveness.  The list goes on.  It’s been quite a transformation in the last ten months.  And she looks more healthy.  Her body language and general “glow” about her personifies her new found positive energy.

From her manifesto, to how she has handled every aspect of our relationship over the last ten months, to how she is handling Michaud thus far — Simply put, she has found herself and is pleased with what she has found.

She deserves the credit as she forced herself to open up.  She accepted significant changes in her environment.  She allowed her perceptions about life and herself to be challenged (that is extremely difficult for anyone!).  Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable requires a lot of strength.   There’s that “vulnerability” thing again.  I seem to write a lot about its’ power (Posts 67, 68, 129, 134 to name a few).

I believe I’ve come to realize that vulnerability is the path to taking responsibility for your happiness and pleasure.  Vulnerability is about opening up your complete and true self and then taking responsibility for your complete and true self.  In so doing, you allow your complete and true self to be your core source of happiness and pleasure. 

ISN’T IT IRONIC?
A bit of irony with this creed is that if it is not already instilled within you, it may require the help of someone else to help you fully live it, as it did for Kayla.  I believe some of you may say, “But Jenny, the irony doesn’t end there.  Isn’t Domestic Discipline all about giving up responsibility of yourself to your husband?”

My unequivocal answer is, “NO! Not even close.”

Pre-DD I thought I was living both this creed and my mother’s.  While I guess I was to some degree, I was inconsistent and failed to realize something extremely important to living this creed.  Simply, the creed applies to others as well.  I am not responsible for OTHER’s happiness and pleasure.   It wasn’t until I embraced DD that I truly was focused on my happiness and pleasure first.  

My DD was about taking responsibility for all the things that got in the way of my happiness and pleasure.  More specifically, my behaviors and thinking (i.e. my “intentions”) were the source of my unhappiness. (Post 30. I Found my Thrill is all about that).

In Domestic Discipline, we codify our behaviors and thinking under headings like Honesty, Obedience, and Safety.  And we refer to violations of these things as being “Disobedient.”  We then take responsibility for those violations through what we call “Discipline.”  We allow someone to administer that Discipline.  The disciplinarian is not responsible for our actions and happiness.  

For as much as I have been referring to our “3.0 DD” as no longer being “mine,” I now realize it is still totally mine.  I am responsible for it.  Mike in many ways is simply the administrator of it.  That is not to diminish the importance of his role.  It simply recognizes that ultimately, it is still DD, Jenny Style.

Okay.  I didn’t intend to go that route with this post, but it was a nice realization for me and it connects things full circle back to vulnerability and letting go of my intentions (which I touch on in all those posts I’ve linked to throughout the post thus far).

Now then, I intended to share how this creed ties into my views on sex.  So, let’s talk about sex!

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
Mike, Kayla, and I talk about sex with the casualness typically reserved for talking about the weather or what to have for dinner.  We were having one of these conversations in the context of Kayla’s impending coitus with Michaud.  I thought my take on things might be of interest.

This is a bit disjointed as these were snippets of thoughts I had throughout the conversation, which was too lengthy (and boring) to share in full.  But, I think it conveys some of my “major talking points.”  Ha.

Here it comes again.  It starts will vulnerability!  You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to truthfully and completely talk about sex.  I believe people who openly and honestly engage in a discussion about the physical feelings of sex along with the issues of both intimacy and passion are the ones most likely to have a thriving and fulfilling sex life.  It takes a lot of vulnerability to have such a discussion.

In my opinion, an otherwise healthy relationship can be a healthy sexual relationship if you recognize that love, intimacy, and sex can go hand in hand, but doesn’t have to.  If we expect them to all be one and the same, we’re likely to be unhappy and likely to make our partner unhappy.  Recognizing that can help solve a lot of problems both in and outside of our relationships.

If we come to relationships understanding that great love doesn’t always equate to great sex — and — that sex isn’t an automatic by-product of intimacy —  and — love can exist beautifully with or without intimacy or with or without sex or particular sexual acts — and — sex can exist beautifully with or without love — and — making love, intimacy, and sex all work together takes some effort, and such effort should always be enjoyable, enlightening and engaging — and— here it comes, We are Solely Responsible for our Own Happiness and Pleasure. . . including happiness and pleasure from sex, love, and intimacy  — if we do all of that, then, I believe we can have a sex life full of true happiness, pleasure, and fulfillment.

MANAGING ISN’T INSTIGATING
I believe many people never buy into that, especially women.  Instead, many people simply manage their happiness, manage their pleasure, manage their sex, love, and intimacy.  They work within unspoken assumptions that they have and that they misinterpret (but never question).  Those can be assumptions about themselves, or about their partner.  They never venture outside these assumptions.  They never test or even speak about those assumptions.  The thought of open dialogue about such things creates a vulnerability that is too great to imagine. Thus, you continue to just get along and manage instead of engaging and growing.

INSTIGATING MY HAPPINESS
That’s where I was pre-DD.  I assumed I was “loving life, every moment every day.”  But as soon as I woke up and realized I wasn’t truly fulfilled, I immediately responded with my own creed.   I took responsibility for my happiness and pleasure. . . . as well as sex, intimacy, and love.  And in my first step towards “waking up” I had to become vulnerable to myself.  I explored my thoughts and challenged my assumptions about happiness and pleasure.  I then made myself vulnerable to Mike and explored and challenged those things with him.

Taking responsibility forces you to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  I became the instigator of my happiness.  I “forced” Mike and I to address things we never addressed before.  We talked about what happiness was for us, what pleasure was for us (both sexual and otherwise).  We freed ourselves to share and act on many thoughts and desires.  In doing so I instigated our growth, our evolution, our intimacy, and our sexual adventure.

MY ADVICE
Become the instigator of your happiness, of your love, of your pleasure.  Again, not saying you do that through DD or any kink. That’s where it led me and it’s worked wonders, but I am sure it leads to many different paths that have a common theme — fulfillment and joy in life!

Okay, enough of my rambles. I’ve got a cute story to share re Kayla and Michaud.  Next post!

NEXT: 190. Web Cam Virgin

 

 

181. Domestic Financial Discipline

181

Now it’s time for some financial tips, DD style!   Ha.

Whether or not your relationship registers on the kink-spectrum, money can be a challenging topic for any couple.  I thought I’d share how Mike and I handle finances.  Yes, boring! You want to read about a spanking or two.  Sorry, but even kinksters have to address everyday issues and determine to what extent those issues incorporate their chosen relationship dynamic.  A post by NaughtyNora prompted me to share how Mike and I handle finances.

MONEY
Control of money is associated with power.  Giving a submissive any control over the finances seems counter-intuitive to a D/s relationship.  However, some relationships consider it a household task, akin to cleaning, thus no issue with the sub being responsible for the money.   Basically, if the Dom doesn’t like to deal with it, whether it be finances or anything else, then it makes sense that the sub takes care it.  

As with all things D/s, it is up to each relationship to define the level and types of D/s behaviors work for them.  There is no set rules, no D/s club to be kicked out of.  The only rule is you must do whatever it is that you find works for your relationship.   That may mean the sub is very involved when it comes to the finances.  Then again, it may mean they aren’t involved at all.

This seems weird, but I feel like this post is more personal than others?!?  Funny how talking money seems more personal than talking sex and kink?  Odd, isn’t it?  Anyway….

HOW WE DO IT
Mike and I use a system we adopted about four years prior to us adopting Domestic Discipline, so nothing Dominant or Submissive was intended.  It simply helped me better understand what is truly available to spend on our day-to-day needs.

For us, even though it seems that Mike yields the most “power” with the finances, he reminds me that because I spend 90-95% of the money (outside our fixed bills), I am the one with the power to make or break our finances.  It is my behavior in regards to financial decisions that has the greatest significant influence on the finances.    So how can it be that Mike has the “power” yet I have all the “influence?”

TWO JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNTS
We have two primary checking accounts.  We are both on each account and can both monitor account activity.  One checking account is our “Bills” account.  The other is our “Day to Day” account.

The Bills account is where Mike’s paycheck is deposited and where all our monthly bills are paid; mortgage, utilities, savings, etc.  All are done via automatic withdrawal so there are never checks to write… and yes, we consider “savings” as an expense.  It is the only way to be disciplined with savings is to simply set aside a fixed amount every month, no matter what, just like a bill.

Mike will calculate how much money, until his next paycheck,  is left over from his current check once all the bills that are coming due are subtracted.  He leaves a small cushion and then simply transfers what isn’t needed over into the Day to Day.   For instance;

  • $4,000 balance in the Bills Account
  • $2,600 in bills to be paid before the next paycheck
  • $150 cushion to stay in the Bills Account
  • $1,250 to transfer to Day-to-Day Account ($4,000 – 2,600 – $150).

This means we have $1,250 for groceries, gas, clothing, entertainment, or whatever comes up over the next two weeks.  While be both use the Day-to-Day, I probably account for 90-95% of what is spent from this account. 

Mike and I may discuss whether or not the Day-to-Day account needs the full $1,250.  For instance, maybe there is still a $500 balance in the Day-to-Day before he transfers.  If  we know we don’t have any particular unexpected day-to-day expenses coming up, we may agree that $1,750 is way more than what is needed for the next two weeks.  Thus, Mike may decide to just transfer $1,000 over instead of $1,250, and put an extra $250 into savings.

Conversely,  if we plan on spending more than normal, say back to school clothing for J, Mike may decide to transfer $1,500 instead of $1,250, and take the $250 out of savings.  Although I have access to all the accounts, we agreed that Mike would make the decisions on whether or not to ever take money out of savings.

TWO JOINT SAVINGS ACCOUNTS
We have two joint savings accounts.  One is a “true” savings account where we save for big ticket items and the unexpected.  The other is specifically for medical expenses (yes, this is America where healthcare is a constant threat to the finances).  Since our health insurance has very high deductibles, we have enough set aside to fully pay those deductibles at any time, thus an unexpected health event won’t hit our “true’ savings.

Given J’s high medical bills each year, we always know we are going to pay his out-of-pocket maximum every year ($5,000).  Thus, about $192 of every paycheck goes into our “Medical” account so we replenish the $5,000 we spent during the year on J’s care.  In addition there is HSA money put aside through Mike’s employer, but that helps cover the rest of our family out-of-pocket costs and other medical care that insurance doesn’t cover.  Overall structure is a bit more complicated than I state here, but suffice to say, we have a lot of money set aside specifically for healthcare.  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!

NO CREDIT CARDS
We do have a joint credit card account – however, I don’t keep a credit card, only Mike has one (yes, only one credit card!).  This is for emergencies and rarely gets used and quickly, if not immediately, gets paid off.  

HOW IT HELPS ME
The purpose of all these accounts was to help me – not as a submissive – but as a money manager.  I was never good with money as to me, money serves one purpose — to spend it.  If you aren’t spending it, then it really isn’t money, right?   There was a time that I felt if there was money in the account, then it could be spent.  Even though I consider myself educated, college degree and all that, and I can rationalize that there are bills that aren’t due yet but will have to be paid…. I still had this issue that if there was money in the account, it was there to spend.  Thus I had a lot of overspending issues in my life.

Lastly, both of us agreed it was important for me to be on all the accounts and for me to understand what money was where.  This isn’t about power, it is about practicality and safety.  If something unexpected were to happen to Mike, I need to know and have access to the money plus I need to learn how to stick to a budget if he is gone.  I now feel I have the financial discipline to handle it. 

ADD SOME DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE
Mike came up with this “Bills” versus “Day-to-day” and separating the savings accounts so that I could better visualize what was actually available for me to spend over a certain amount of time.  It worked wonders in establishing Financial Discipline for me.   

Now add in the Domestic Discipline!  I can not purchase anything other than essentials without Mike’s permission.  The result?  Wow, we are saving more money then every before!  Which means maybe Mike retires a year or two earlier and/or we have nicer vacations, more spa days, our XXX-mas shopping spree, and our clothing shopping spree.

Peaceful financial matrimony. . . make that,  MATRIMONEY! 

NEXT:  Post 182.  Hello, my name is Kayla


177. My Final Spanking

177

Click bait!  Okay, not my final as in “forever”, but I did earn my final spanking under our “2.0” Contract.  

MY “FINAL” SPANKING
Mike and I were standing in the bathroom getting ready for bed, Mike mentioned he would like me to do a better job of cleaning the sink regarding some build-up around the drain.  He said it nicely with a matter-of-fact tone.  I was brushing my teeth but managed a quick head nod and an “Okay.” He corrected me, “What?”  I quickly responded back with toothpaste filled mouth mumble, “Yes, Sir, I will clean it better.”  I went back to brushing my teeth and after I spit out the toothpaste I blurted, “Am I going to be spanked for that?”

 “Sub fail” on many levels.

  • I already failed to call him “Sir.”  No need to possibly compound things.
  • Although I meant it as a real question, my tone was a bit snarky.
  •  I am not allowed to question whether or not I am going to be punished.

Mike reminded me that he was not required to explain or clarify, but he said he would “for my sake.”  He said the sink cleaning was intended as a “request for next time” and not meant as a failure to perform my duties.  Further, he felt the “Sir” slip was minor, as it was in a very casual moment with my mouth full.  He was going to let that pass.   However, he could not let my questioning pass.

He told me to bend over and he pulled down my pajamas.  I wasn’t nude because I planned to check on some things around the house before getting into bed and I typically don’t walk around naked if J is home.  After a few warm ups by hand, he took the hairbrush from the drawer and gave me 15 on one cheek, then 15 on the  other – using a greater than normal force.  It was enough to make me bite my lip and immediately rub my behind once he asked me to stand.   He then said, “Not enough.  Go get my belt and lay down on the bed on your stomach and I’ll be there in a minute.”

As part of our normal ritual for such occurrences, I placed the belt across my bottom as I laid waiting on the bed. When he walked up next to me he quickly grabbed the belt and in one quick motion gave me a three hard back-to-back-to-back whacks.

Mike then told me to count off after each one, up to 15.  He continued to use a lot of force.  At one point, about six or seven in, he paused for just a moment and when he resumed, I messed up the count.  Mike started over at one.  Suffice to say my butt reflected the fact that the strikes with both the hairbrush and belt were very hard.

He told me to stand in the corner and he put clothes pins on my nipples.  He said he would finish getting ready for bed.  It was probably less than 10 minutes when he returned.  He sat in a chair, called me over, removed the clothes pins, and had me bend over his knee.  He gave me about 20 more by hand.   

I was crying a little bit.  As usual, any crying has as much to do with remorse as it does with discomfort, but this one was maybe 60-40 with the pain beating out the remorse.  Ouchy!  Anyway, it was then on to After Care and that was that – except for a sore butt from awhile.    

In case you were wondering, Kayla was there during this, going about her nighttime routine.  When one of us is being disciplined, the other simply goes about whatever they were doing.  Unless instructed otherwise by Mike, we don’t make it a point to stay away, but we don’t make it a point to watch.

And that was my last spanking under our 2015-2017 Contract!

NEXT:  178.  Embracing Shame

176. Thirty-Seven Hours

176

I was prepared to write about my last spanking under our “2.0” Contract.  As I wrote a “short” intro to share a little bit about things under our newest Contract, that intro became very long, so, I decided to split this in two posts.  You spanking aficionados will have to wait one more post for that story.   

37 HOURS IN
We signed the new contract the night before last,  so I am only about 37 hours into the new contract.  I was already prepared before we signed:

HOMEMAKER DUTIES
My Homemaker Schedule was ready to go, setting which tasks I do on which days and mapping out my days.  It was a bit humorous to schedule in masturbation.  It takes a bit of the fun out of it to know that at 1:00 today I allotted myself 30 minutes for this.  But such “self time” should be part of every homemakers duties, don’t you agree?  Not that I expect to have any problems reaching orgasm in thirty minutes (probably will take 5-10), but it would be funny to have to report to Mike that I am behind schedule because I took too long to orgasm.  For reasons shared on my last post, I fully expect my masturbation to finish well ahead of schedule. Hee-hee. 

My schedule is not ultra rigid and each day has some “slack” in it where it is just “Miscellaneous Chores” so I can catch up if needed without throwing off the schedule.  Mike also understands there is always the unexpected things in life we can’t anticipate, especially with a child and even more so with one with special needs.  When the unexpected happens I just need to communicate with Mike and get his approval for a revised plan.  My schedule is entered into my calendar on my phone and Mike is able to access from his phone. 

I already completed some research on various household tasks.  Who ever knew that someone has figured out the best way to wash dishes, or fold a particular piece of clothing?  Oh wait, I know who knew.  Our grandmothers!   Ha!  For real though, this stuff should be taught in school.  Home-Economic classes should be mandatory (for both sexes).   

MANTRA
I had my Mantra’s memorized perfectly, and then Mike asked for a last-minute tweak.  I agreed as I liked the changes and, of course, I want to please Mike.  However, it means I don’t quite have them both memorized.  I got the Morning Mantra correct the first two mornings (Yea!!) but I did flub the Evening Mantra last night.  Given the last-minute change Mike gave me three days to get the new ones down without Discipline; however, I was still disappointed with myself for not getting it right.  I will get it right tonight! 

CHEAT SHEETS
I created some cheat-sheets.  I put a reminder sticky note on my steering wheel that says, “Inform Mike?”  This reminds me that I need to let him know if I go somewhere other than a scheduled errand.  I also taped a similar sticky note to the back of my phone, “Inform and Defer to Mike.”   This reminds me to keep Mike informed of schedule changes and check with him before I commit to anything.     

CLOTHING
We ordered some new clothes and they have already began to arrive.  They are fabulous and there is more to come.  I posted this before but it is worth saying again — THANK YOU to jadescastle.  She suggested these two websites, eshakti.com and modcloth.com for clothing inspiration.  I loved the stuff and Mike was very inspired by what he saw – so much so he dramatically increased my shopping budget and helped pick out some things.  In addition, we found a site that Mike approved of that had more clothing that was suitable for Kayla.  She will have some of the same type of clothes that I have, but Mike wanted her to have some clothes more befitting her age.  Thus Mike got Kayla several outfits from Fashion Nova.

GRACEFULNESS
I am working on being more “graceful” and Mike has given me time to incorporate this new requirement into my habits.  He said he is looking for “progress” not “perfection” as he recognizes the challenge.  Walking and sitting is so second nature that even simple changes are hard to remember.  This is easily my least favorite of my new requirements.  I am not complaining, just staying of all my favorite things, this is my least favorite!  I very much appreciate Mike showing some flexibility on this one as it will definitely take some time to master. 

GIRL FUN!
Mike wanted to celebrate our new agreement in several ways.  He and I will have a night out this Friday.  In addition, he is giving Kayla and I almost all of Saturday to have our own “girls day” that lasts all day and evening, just Kayla and I.

Our day includes some “spa time,” complete with massage, manicure, pedicure, hair styled, new make up, and other indulgences.  We’ll probably see a movie as well, have a nice lunch and dinner, and plan to pop into a club – something we’ve never done before.  Even though Mike set a few rules of behavior for us to follow, it is most definitely going to be a fun day and evening out with Kayla while Mike stays home with J.  Mike set a curfew of 12:30 a.m. for us, and he plans to already be asleep in Kayla’s bed.  He told us no need to wake him as he is leaving our bed for just Kayla and I to enjoy for the night. . . and enjoy we shall!

Becoming disciplined is not all about being Disciplined!  It includes treats as well!

Next: 177. My Final Spanking