218. Other forms of discipline: Restrictions

Hello again.  Mike gave me some internet time this morning.  It is the lesser of an hour or whenever J wakes up.  Thus I got an early start in hopes of getting all of this done before he wakes.

This is the first time I’ve been online since my last post.   Well, that’s not true.  Oops!

As I shared, part of my punishment is that, starting Monday (five days ago),  I could not go online.  Well, to show just how deep I had fallen into my obsession, I cheated the very first day!

Mike allowed me to have my phone when I went to the store.  What could it hurt to take a  quick peek at my comments on my blog?  A peek led to reading more, then liking this one, liking that one. . . oh, what about the reader?  Down the rabbit hole!   I soon felt guilty (not soon enough) and got off my phone.  Of course, I told on myself as I can’t keep such things secret.

I was prepared for a good spanking.  Instead, Mike surprised me.  He put me on restriction – that is, he revoked a variety (okay, A LOT!) of privileges.  He’s rarely done this before, and restrictions typically lasted the rest of the day or at most 24 hours.  This time they are “at least for a week, perhaps longer.”  (they started  the evening of Jan 28).

RESTRICTIONS

1. Phone and laptop taken away. 
   He carries my phone with him and he took my laptop to his office and is keeping it there.  I am even forbidden from inquiring with him as to who may have called or texted.  He will let me know if something needs my immediate response.    
2. Sleep in Kayla’s bed at night.
   I am sleeping in Kayla’s room while Kayla sleeps in my bed with Mike.  This is not unheard of, but not for this many days!  
3. Refrain from sexual activity.
   Of any kind, with anyone, including myself.  I haven’t gone a week without sex in at least three years, maybe more.
4. No Thursday Maintenance. 
   If that sounds like a bonus, it isn’t.  I love my maintenance sessions.
5. “Banked” Discipline until Sunday Maintenance. 
   In other words, no spankings until Sunday.   Sound good?  Nope!  Read #6.  This is one withdrawal from the bank that I don’t look forward to!    hee-hee
6. Doubly Triply-strict.
   Mike expects, “perfection” from me this week.  As of this writing I have three Transgressions “banked” for tomorrow.  Not bad considering the “perfection” expectation.  But 3 punishments back-to-back-to-back?  Yikes! (plus #7)
7. Write 100 lines per day.
   New phrase each day.  Lines are critiqued by Mike with two spankings per errors/sloppiness (also “banked” per #5).  Mike has critiqued the ones I’ve done thus far, but hasn’t told me my grade.  I was extremely careful and took my time since there was no time limit on getting them done – and it wasn’t like I had other pressing engagements for “me” time.  (got to keep the humor up!)
8. Any remaining “me” time is spent in Kayla’s bedroom reading.
   No television, no iPod, nothing.  And when I do have the opportunity to relax I must go to Kayla’s room to read.  Mike doesn’t even want me to lay on our bed or sit in our room.     
9. No social visits to/from anyone.
   Canceled lunch with my sisters that we had planned, and rescheduled my last “Etiquette” consultation. 
10. Must remain clothed all day.
    You’d have to be submissive and accustomed to being naked a lot to understand how this is a punishment.  Believe me, it is!
11. Early bedtime. 
    I get ready for bed as soon as the kitchen is cleaned after dinner – not so much as a “goodnight” from anyone.  I close the bathroom door when bathing (which is not usual), and I put on pajamas before emerging (also not the norm).  I can’t even sleep naked!  I can read and/or journal (or work on #12) until 9:30, but then it is lights out.  If I wake up early, I stay quietly in bed until our normal wake up time. This may sound like a holiday, and while the extra rest is nice, it all feels very isolating.  
12.  Hand write my weekly research paper.
    Still have to keep with this quarter’s goal. Mike printed out several articles on this weeks’ topic since I couldn’t search it myself.  I have to hand write out my report, neatly and double spaced.  The reports are subject to Mike’s critique and shortcomings could result in punishment.  I’ll post about these reports eventually.    
13.  Restricted from Super Bowl Sinday?
    Mike is undecided as to whether or not I will be allowed to attend.  NO!!!!!  I really want to go.
    

This hour of internet time today is nice – some “time off for good behavior!”  I am hopeful I get off restriction tomorrow and attend the festivities.  I can sure use a party after a week of feeling isolated and to some degree, bored.      

INTERNET WITHDRAWALS
Not having my phone caused actual withdrawals.  Anxiety and anxiousness abound!  It wasn’t until around Thursday that it seemed like I finally got over it.  I still have a sense of curiosity,  but it isn’t the same painful yearning I first had.  However, those withdrawals were replaced by orgasm withdrawals.  HA!  Actually, not very “ha.”  I am serious.  I am very horny.   Several years of averaging more than one orgasm a day and then cold turkey for a week is a lot of adjustment for my body.   I need oxytocin and all those other feel good endorphins released by sex!  By the way, you know studies show that your brain releases a bit of oxytocin and those other feel good endorphins when you get a “like” on a social media post.  Sure, not the same as sex, but still, just a little tingle for your body to enjoy. So, give this a “like” and you will be helping me get aroused! Ha!

I will say that losing connection with the internet world was initially disturbing to be, but eventually became peaceful.  Initially a lot of anxiety,  but then calming.  Simply put, the feelings have been weird and remarkable.  I recommend everyone take an occasional internet sabbatical!

SPANKING HIATUS!
My chores and adhering to my rules help keep my submissive mindset, but honestly, having punishments deferred and not having the Thursday Maintenance has left me yearning.  To satisfy it, I have gone above and beyond my normal duties to serve Mike this week.  While not perfect, I have been doubly attentive to him and extremely focused on every task.

The results of my punishment?  Well, it has been painful and I can’t wait for it to be over.  I never want to face these restrictions again and will remain diligent with my time.  Aha!  So this discipline is serving its job as being a deterrent and providing me focus to not repeat my misbehavior.  I guess that makes it effective and appropriate — but I still don’t like it! 

HARDEST PARTS
The worst is the nighttime isolation.  Being clothed and not even being seen naked, not having any down time in the evening with Mike and/or Kayla,  having to sleep by myself — It’s a lonely experience, but loneliness can be, and has been, a healing penance. 

The no sex has been tough, especially hearing Mike and Kayla go at it at night.    In some ways hearing them feeds my submissive mindset as it is a very submissive thing for me to accept.  But still, abstinence doesn’t suit me, and having to hear them makes it even more difficult.     

Wearing clothes all day has been tougher than I thought it would be.  I really enjoy being naked.  It reminds me of a story I’ll have to share on a future post of my lack of modesty when I was a little girl.  Another time!   Simply put, I like being naked, more than just from a submissive standpoint.

Being clothed has been even more difficult on days Kayla is home – she remains naked.    Normally, it doesn’t even dawn on me that she (or I) is naked – it has become that  normalized for us. It serves as a reminder to me that I am “different” right now.
This week, I couldn’t stop staring at her.  I even apologized to her if I was “creeping her out” with my stares (she just laughed and said “no.”).   As I started my mind would long to be naked, to be submissive.  

The potential of not being part of the Super Bowl festivities is a severe punishment all by itself.  It is a lot of fun and it will be interesting to have Matt there.  We always have a blast, even pre-DD days, but of course, a mega-blast since then.  It is an excuse we use to be crazy, silly, and adventurous. . .because. . . you know. . .our life outside of this is just so vanilla and boring.  HA!   (Have you noticed I often use humor to cope with a negative situation?  You haven’t?  What are you, new?).  I admit it will hurt if I can’t go.  My fingers are crossed! 

REFLECTION
This punishment isn’t just about what I did.  It is also about failing to heed Mikes warning and then, even worse, failing to follow his instructions regarding the initial restrictions he imposed.   And it deals with a subject that, at it’s core, is one of those things that caused major problems pre-DD.  From the start of our DD, I specifically identified this as something I wanted to improve about myself as it was a major impediment to my ability to be the wife and mother I wanted to be.

My pre-DD “vices” can be summed up as spending unwisely –money and time.  Add in that I was often controlling, demanding, stubborn and unforgiving.  I never want to go back to that Jenny again. 

I would have preferred a spanking, even a very harsh one, instead of these restrictions.

NOURISHMENT
This week, any time I felt a yearning for submission growing in me, I simply focused on one thought to quickly nourish my submissive mindset — Submission isn’t about my preferences.

And with that, my internet time is up!

Next: 219. I am Angry (and that’s okay)

203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

This is the postscript on Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.

THE MYSTERY
I’ll start with revealing the mystery behind Kayla’s response, then I’ll then share my reflections on my behavior. Then for you pervs out there I’ll wrap it up with the final part of the punishment I received. 

When Kayla shared her thoughts, she ended it with, “It was exactly the kind of thing we talked about.”  While it was clear to me that Kayla appreciated what Mike did, I had no idea what she was referring to.  So I asked Mike and Kayla if they were willing to share what it was they talked about that made her appreciate the impromptu “suck and fuck” as we have come to jokingly calling it.

CATCHING UP WITH KAYLA AND MICHAUD
First some background to catch you up on Kayla and Michaud. (I wrote about the beginnings of their relationship in Post 186. Kayla gets a Boyfriend).  Kayla has shared her big attraction to Michaud is his laid back, accepting style.  She feels so comfortable talking with him and they see eye to eye on so many issues.  However, she has made it clear she doesn’t think of him as potentially being “the one.”  She says she doesn’t see herself considering marrying anyone until she is at least 27, if not 30.  She wants to enjoy and explore life, unencumbered.  She has shared those sentiments with Michaud.

Kayla recently told Michaud she wants to explore a “unique” relationship with him, sort of an experiment – as if their relationship wasn’t already unique enough.  Inspired by Mike and I, Kayla told Michaud she wants them to share everything — every thought, every desire, every pet peeve, every impulse, every fantasy.   Not necessarily act on them, but share those things verbally.   Even down to a quirky thing that we do in our household (when no kids are home).  She asked Michaud to accept a “no closed doors” policy.  That is, you don’t close doors to the bathroom, whether someone is showering, using the toilet, or whatever.  Basically, there is no “personal space” as all space is shared, even when using the crapper!  

Michaud was game and they implemented this “openness” about three weeks ago. What I didn’t know is that Michaud shared some things with Kayla regarding his sexual turn on’s.  Apparently he is turned on by Kayla telling him about sexual acts she performs with us.  He likes her to tell him every detail.  Kayla said it makes for great foreplay with Michaud.

Kayla also shared her sexual fantasies with Michaud, including the one about having four guys at one time.  With that in mind, Michaud told her that he wouldn’t mind “sharing her” at the same time with Mike.  Kayla told him that this wouldn’t happen, as Mike and I already told Kayla we don’t want Michaud to be part of our dynamic or play.  Nothing against him  We just don’t want to get entrenched in a relationship she has.  We believe it is good for her to explore her relationships on her own.  In addition, our dance card is pretty full and life is good.  We don’t want to complicate things.

MYSTERY UNVEILED
I was generally aware of Kayla’s “openness” experiment with Michaud, but I wasn’t aware of Michaud’s turn on regarding Kayla sharing her sexual experiences or his thoughts on sharing her with Mike.  Kayla didn’t purposely keep this information from me.  There just wasn’t an opportunity for her to bring it up to me and she isn’t compelled to tell me such details.

She told Mike about it during one of her Maintenance Sessions.  When she did that, Mike suggested that they do something specifically for Michaud’s benefit.  That way, not only would she have a juicy sexcapade to share with him, but she can let him know that Mike arranged it with him in mind.  Kayla loved the idea.  Mike simply told her that he would think about the details and let her know.   Well, apparently he thought about them and thus the now infamous “suck and fuck.”

DOUBTING MIKE’S INTENTIONS
Clearly, Mike’s action had Kayla’s support and endorsement, at least in general, if not specifically.   I felt so foolish for reacting as I did and doubting Mike’s intentions.  This is not the first time my doubts have got me into trouble.  I thought I was past having these moments of doubt.  At a minimum, I thought I was at least past ACTING on any doubts without first calmly and respectfully clarifying the situation.   Clearly I am not.

I think it was a combination of factors that led me to have that doubt. 

• It caught me by surprise.  Kayla was practically heading out the door when Mike stopped her for the blow job.  
• Kayla’s reaction didn’t seem joyful to me.  I now realize that I was reading too much into it.  Sure she didn’t jump for joy, but she often has a resolute look about her.  In hindsight I can see that her reaction was simply that of a compliant submissive.   
• I have a “mama bear” instinct about Kayla, and if I think she is unhappy or being mistreated, I react, often without additional thought. 
• Instead of assuming loving intentions, in an instant I created this false narrative in my mind.  I assumed Mike was just being a stupid alpha-male, flaunting his power and authority over Kayla as a “take that” to Michaud by in effect telling him all he can have is “sloppy seconds.”   Not only does such behavior repulse me, but using Kayla in that way also triggered “mama bear” to come out. 
• I wasn’t in a particularly deep submissive mindset.  The holidays messed with our D/s routine.  I couldn’t even do simple things like being naked around the house.  Since before Thanksgiving a lot of my energy and focus was on holiday activities and not on submission.  Not that that is wrong, as such focus is good for my kids and the family overall.  But still, it softened my submissive mindset, leaving me vulnerable to mistakes. 

Whatever the reason(s), I am more committed than ever to stay diligent and not repeat this.  Ideally I wish I never have such thoughts again, but realistically, it is not about never having those thoughts.  It is about recognizing when I have them and controlling my reaction so that it is loving, purposeful, and effective in facilitating a healthy and respectful conversation.  I know I can do that!

This issue is a big one for me as it is not something that just arose with our DD.  I have always had this problem.  Pre-DD it was a common occurrence — jumping to conclusions, feeling attacked or feeling Mike had ill intentions.  I credit Domestic Discipline with helping me towards eradicating this terrible habit.

As Mike often reminds me, “Progress, not perfection!”   

FINAL PUNISHMENT – CLOSING CEREMONY
I shared with you that my punishment was not complete.  Mike gave me until the next day to write my 100 lines, which I completed.  As in keeping with our “lines rules,” I am spanked for mistakes or sloppy lines – two spankings for each error.  Mike “grades’ me very strictly.  He counts it as a mistake if words don’t line up very closely underneath the matching word in the row above.

I was thankful to have the entire day to work on the lines, thus I didn’t have to do them in one sitting.  This was a first, but was necessary because the family interruptions that occurred throughout the day.  Thus I didn’t become as fatigued in my writing and the result was Mike only found three errors, thus six spankings.

Because our middle child hung around the house most of the day, we had to arrange to go over to John and Donna’s for me to be spanked.  They are accustomed to us using their house as a get-away when a spanking is needed.  When we use their house the spankings are always done in one of their bedrooms.  We don’t let them watch.  These are solemn occasions.  I am not allowed to make eye contact or speak with John or Donna until after our Closing Ceremony.  Mike simply asks them, “Can we use your room for moment.”  They know what that means.  Once the punishment is over, we then “turn off” punishment mode and act as if we are on a social visit.

Mike brought a small paddle with him.  Thankfully Mississippi is too big to smuggle out of the house discreetly!  I couldn’t have taken any more with that beast.  As is our protocol I immediately get undressed when I enter their house.  My bottom was very bruised from the night before and I know they saw it as I walked past them towards a bedroom.  I am sure they were like, “Wow, what did she do!?”

Once in the room Mike had me lay across his knee.  He even commented how bruised my ass was, “Wow, I’ve never seen it this bad.  I have a feeling these six are going to hurt.”
He then proceeded to lecture me as he rubbed my bruised and sore butt.  I thought I was over the extreme emotions of the events but I started to cry, even before he spanked me.
He then spanked me.  I let out a shrill on number three and dramatically increased the volume on numbers four,  five and six.   I know John and Donna could hear me. 

We then had our Closing Ceremony.  It felt so good to completely put this behind me.  Mike told me to go wash my face and get my clothes on.   He said I could take a few minutes and he left the room to go talk to John and Donna.  I composed myself, got dressed, stopped off at the bathroom to wash my face, and emerged as if nothing happened.  We talked about what each of us did to ring in the New Year (the family and festivities stuff, not the “suck and fuck” or punishment).  Then we returned home.  All is forgiven.   

I love my Domestic Discipline!

Oh, almost forgot  – I asked Kayla, “So, what did you tell Michaud and how did he react? Did he actually get turned on by it?”   That’s for another post!

Next:  204. Returning to Submissive Headspace

 

187. Happy Wife. Happy Life.

And this Happy Wife is happiest when she is serving her husband!

I am really loving my Homemaker Duties Schedule!  One of the best ideas Mike has ever had.  And thus far it has worked as he intended – it’s been a blessing, not a burden.  All my chores are broken into daily bite-sized pieces, complete with scheduled “down time” to relax.   Down time I often use for blogging, which is why I have posted so much lately.  

And the schedule is not so rigorous that I have to “Relax between 10 and 11 today.”  It is more like, “one hour of relaxing” that I fit in at some point in the day.   And Mike has been a stickler in following up with me.  He will call or text me and ask me if I’ve “done my down time” yet.  He wants to make sure I stay fulfilled, not burdened, with my duties.

And with this frequent blogging means more mundane day-to-day things to share.  That is, if you call serving your husband as a god and being disciplined for your misbehavior mundane.  Yeah, that type of mundane!   With that, here’s several updates to my “mundane” existence — 

WEIGHT
Here’s an update on my Quarterly Goals, which this quarter is to lose 18 pounds by January 17.  Just two weeks in and I am happy to report I’ve lost 3.3 pounds!  I am happy to be a little ahead of schedule as I imagine the first few pounds are easier to lose than the last few.

What is even more exciting is that I haven’t done anything too dramatic to make that happen.  So as it gets more difficult to shed the last few pounds I should be able to simply exercise more to make it happen.

I’ve cut about 250-300 calories out of my diet by doing some very simple things. I continue to only drink water.  I switched to egg whites when I want eggs.  I stopped eating muffins or pastries and just have a piece of toast instead.  I double up on my veggies.  No dessert.   Very limited snacking and always a healthy snack.  I read labels and always opt for the lower calorie, lower carb options.  And most of all, I always leave a little bit on my plate.  Just a bite or two, but I found it serves as a visual testament to my resolve.  Oh, and portion control!  Especially when eating out, which we don’t do a lot of anymore.

Added to the dietary changes is I walk 30 minutes almost every day.  I plan to up this to daily soon.  I also jump rope at least 20 minutes every other day and again, plan to up this to daily soon.   Jumping rope is fun with you don’t have heavy clamps on your nipples, hee-hee (Post 35. Calisthenics of Doom)  

TESTING MY WILL FOR GRACE
Hee hee, see what I did there… Will For Grace.. Will and Grace.   No?  Come on, I thought that was funny.  (FYI for you non-Americans.  This is a reference to a tv show).

I am having the hardest time with the “Gracefullness” part of our new Contract.  It is hard to change something that is just so automatic, such as how I walk or sit.  Mike has been understanding and is looking for “progress, not perfection,” at least for now.

I take my Duties and Obligations seriously, so guess what?  I enrolled in an “Etiquette Class.”  There is a company that has an adult program that, among other things, helps teach things like “attitude and body language.”  They also provide some one-on-one consulting.  The price wasn’t too bad and I hope it is worth it.   I signed up for their two classes and purchased two one-on-one consulting sessions.  I joked with Mike I was going to tell them I wanted to know the best way to present my ass when preparing for my husband to spank me.  Their reaction would be priceless!  I think I’ll refrain from doing this as I don’t want to risk being kicked out of etiquette class. 

FORGET ME NOT
While I haven’t been spanked for being “ungraceful”, I have been disciplined a few times since that first disciplining under the new contract.   I forgot about a doctor’s appointment.   This falls under my “Workload” clause in the Emotional Self Care section of our Contract.

I had scheduled is a long time ago, before I was as organized as I am today.  I forgot to put it on my calendar but luckily got a reminder from the doctor’s office the day before.  I do have a little bit of slack built into the schedule for unexpected things, but not enough to accommodate a doctor’s visit and this appointment should have been expected.  Mike spanked me (hard of course, as they all are), because I failed to meet certain commitments that day due to the doctor visit. 

DISCIPLINE FOR THE DISCIPLINE MANTRA
Making matters worse, when he spanked me, I fumbled the Discipline Mantra.  I hadn’t practiced it in a while.  In some ways it isn’t something I want to get familiar with saying, since it is something I say as part of our Discipline Ceremony.   But, I need to learn it.  I said it correctly the first time I was disciplined under the new Contract.  Mike is now requiring that I recite it as part of my two weekly Maintenance Sessions.  This will help me from getting “rusty” if I have long stretches of behaving.

This is from our Discipline Ceremony in our Contract.  I thought I’d share here since I referenced it above:  Mike, I am sorry for {specify Disobedience}, as that does not live up to the standards you expect of me and I deserve of myself.  Thank you for acknowledging my Disobedience and for Disciplining me so that I may properly reflect and learn to be more obedient to you.  I gladly accept and look forward to the Discipline you are about to give me. Please Discipline me now.”

I learned it is no fun to fumble the Discipline Mantra.  I am already being disciplined for whatever behavior prompted the discipline and then — boom — more gets added!  And Mike’s go-to disciplining measure when it involves something I say or fail to say includes a soaping and his “special” rinse and/or drink.   Maybe I should rethink not having pee as a hard limit?   Oh, it’s not as bad as it sounds (usually).  I think I am more disgusted with the thought of it than the actual act.  Moving on…

OUT GO THE LIGHTS
The other disciplining I received was for something a bit different.  I left some lights on.  This was something newly added to the “Finance” portion of my DD.  Basically I commit to not being wasteful by leaving lights on or other wasteful habits.

Mike came to me and said, “I walked in our bedroom and the light was on in the bedroom and the bathroom.  Is there a reason you left them on?”

I responded with, “I am sorry, Sir.” 

“Jen, I didn’t ask for an apology, I want to know if there is a reason it happened?”

I didn’t want to make excuses and I definitely over thought my answer.  “I just forgot to turn them off.  I am sorry, I will try to do better.” 

Mike then said in his “matter-of-fact-but-you’re-on-thin-ice” voice, “That’s the second time you haven’t answered my question.  I truly want to know if there is a reason.  Was the reason that you just forgot, or was there more to what you were doing that caused you to forget?”

“Yes, Sir, I had a basket full of laundry so I couldn’t turn them off immediately.  I planned to go back and do so but forgot, Sir.” 

“That’s perfectly understandable,” Mike added, “and if you would have answered my question the first time I would just have suggested that you put the basket down and turn off the light as you leave the room and left it at that.  But since you are trying to read into my question as if I don’t mean what I say, you need to go to room and I’ll be there in moment.”

Fortunately J and Kayla were playing something on the computer, far from our bedroom.  Mike came in I ended up being spanked, soaped (with rinse and drink), and had to write lines.

PERSPECTIVE
I accept my discipline without hesitation or question.  It is part of what I need and want for myself.  However, writing about it gives me a perspective that is a different from living in it.  When I write, I can sort of “hover” over what has happened, as a viewer, not just a participant.  And the viewer in me sometimes reacts different from the participant.

The viewer in me asks, “Jen, is this what you wanted way back when?  You wanted Mike to spank you, wash your mouth out with soap, have you drink his pee, all for the way you answered him for not turning out a light?”

And my answer remains the same.   “It doesn’t matter what I wanted then.  Being accountable to Mike and subject to his discipline is absolutely what I want now!”  I may not prefer certain punishments, but I prefer the Jen of today over the Jen of a few years ago.  I prefer my happiness of today, my fulfillment for today, and my rejoicing in today!

NEXT:  188.  The Cock Block (or is it Clam Jam?)