387. Glory, glory, glory x9!

Yikes. I did so well my first few weeks back to blogging. This last 3 week-ish hiatus was not intentional. Just one of those things.

One thing that has kept me busy is that we’ve been looking at properties! We want to move at some point, closer to T1 and J. Ideally have our own nudie-farm! Not that we are farmers or ranchers – we most definitely are not. But we’d like some acreage and are up for some small time things, maybe chickens and such. We want privacy, quiet, and less hustle and bustle atmosphere of suburbia. The thought of not having to put clothes on to roam my property excites me!

We don’t have a time table. Could be this year, next, or even year after. We want to find the perfect spot. We’ve seen several close to what we want, but not quite hitting all the marks. We might get less picky as time goes on, but for now, it has to be perfect. There’s been days of driving around with the real estate agent and we have also spent a lot more time at T1’s since we were often “in the neighborhood.”

I want to wrap up sharing our “Immersion 2022” with you so I can go on some great esoteric rants about submission! Hey, don’t click away just yet. That will be for another post you can ignore. This one is will be all about sex and perversion. You know, the stuff most of you are here for!

MYSTERY GUESTS
We had two guests that I will refer to as, as…. Hum. Not sure what to name them. Don’t want to use real names. Okay – I got it. Andrew and Lee. Both male. And yes, I know I am stereotyping on names, but Lee is Asian. It’s more a literary tool so you can better form a picture in your mind and remember who is who. And actually, his name is way more Asian than Lee! So there. I digress.

TJ invited Andrew and Lee as sort of a meet-and-greet with our COT. During our long COT hiatus, TJ and Kim ventured out on their own and have essentially formed their own COT. From what we were told, it’s more just “plain old” swapping. There is no DD, BDSM, or other kinkery involved. Their “other” COT has 5 couples, like ours does (okay, so ours is technically 4 couples and a thruple) . So like, Wow. Imagine the possibilities if all 21 of us got together?

But the purpose of the meet and greet wasn’t about aligning our COT’s. It was more about perhaps having more overlap than just TJ and Kim. Perhaps some occasional “guest appearances” from one or more couples into the other COT. Or, maybe it wouldn’t go any further than the two men joining us that day.

I’ve shared before that TJ is a doctor. Andrew and Lee are also in the medical field as is all of those in this other COT of theirs. So one upside is if our activities resulted in a medical emergency, health care expertise would just be a penis away! LOL. Okay, far be it from this submissive man-serving slut to be misogynistic, let me add, “or a vagina away.” As apparently one of the women is a doc! Oh, and I don’t know for sure how old they are, but seemed to mid-40’s, maybe 8-10 years younger then me and Mike. And apparently their COT has a broad age range, from a couple in their mid 30’s to one in their mid 60’s. Kayla will love meeting the 60-year old man! But that will have to wait as she has a more pressing engagement.

GLORY HOLE
Kayla has had a long time fantasy of working a glory hole. It’s like one of her top ten “Unrealized sexual fantasies.” The biggest thing keeping her from this is that blowing a bunch of anonymous cock is risky re STI’s. That, and, it’s not like there is a glory hole store waiting for applicants.

So, the guys (led by Mike) had an idea to help a girl out. They had constructed a make shift glory hole. It was basically a three sided, mainly plywood, enclosure or sorts, with um.. holes for dicks, on each of the three sides. I mean, that is what they are, so might as well call it that. They had it set up outside and was covered as a “surprise for later.”

When the two guest pulled up in their car, Mike blindfolded Kayla and told her she is not to see these guests. She was led outside and into the enclosure where she knelt down and was told to wait. Once the holes were filled with three cocks, she was told to remove her blindfold. “Surprise.”

The two strangers and TJ went first, then as each man, ah… tapped out, another took his place. Mike, John, Matt, and Jaime. And Andrew and John were quick to reload and even took a second turns. Before it was done, Kayla took nine in a row.

I was able to walk behind the enclosure to watch her in action. One in each hand, one in her mouth, sometimes rotating, and not stopping until they finished. She would sometimes stay, “Now I recognize that one.” or, “Oh my god, how many are there?” and “This is more work than I thought?”

When it was over and she walked from behind the enclosure, everyone cheered. Kayla loved it. Her main comment was, “Now that was a lot of cum. Which one of you girls is next?”

None of us other girls got to experience it. Maybe for another COT gathering! Fine with me. I wouldn’t object, but, it is Kayla’s fantasy (now reality), not mine.

After the gloryhole event, we all just sat around and talked, ate, and got to know Andrew and Lee better. There wasn’t even any other sexual activities with them. What we learned is that their group primarily just gets together to swap. Some of them are strict in that they only swap while they remain in the same room as their spouse, others don’t have that rule. And some don’t have any sex outside their marriage unless the other person is either in the room or at least present in the area. Andrew is one of those people but said he has some latitude such that the blowjob from Kayla is allowed.

It was interesting to hear others talk of the rules within their relationships regarding sex with others. It interesting to hear how people draw lines, sometimes in a rather pious way, when, you know, they are still talking about someone else fucking their wives. Makes me laugh. “Oh sure, sure, it’s not like you just let some guy you don’t know fuck your wife. You’re like, not kinky at all because you want to at least know a bit about him first and will only let him fuck her if you get to watch. Yeah, very normal and makes total sense.”

Not that I don’t accept people are entitled to their distinct kinks and rules surrounding them. It’s just that sometimes instead of just accepting them as kinky fuckery they want to “justify” it as somehow normal because of some caveat to the fucking that goes on. “Oh, my wife doesn’t let me fuck any woman I want. She’s more classy than that. But a blow job from a strange girl we’ve never met and I can’t see behind the glory hole? She’s cool with that.”

Those aren’t actual quotes. Just my interpretation of what they were saying. I just find it interesting. Not judging. As I say, “Everyone’s kink is strange and disgusting, except your own.”

So what of future meetings with Andrew, Lee, and others in TJ’s and Kim “second” COT? Matt and Jill have already spent time with most of that COT. Their “report” was positive, saying it was a different vibe than ours, but maybe because they were the outsiders/newbies. Our turn will be the last weekend in May. TJ and Kim are hosting at their house. Should be an interesting weekend!

Okay, so enough sex talk. Let’s talk about submission! It’s not all sex and fun. It’s serious. Very serious.

Just kidding. No it’s not. It’s mostly sex and fun! LOL.

NEXT: 388. And now a word from our (non) sponsors.

376. Encouraging your captain to lead

I have a dozen or so folks email me on a fairly regular basis. Most are women, but a few are men and even couples. And most of them reach out for my thoughts on improving their DD dynamic. Some are newbies struggling to calibrate their needs and desires with those of their partner while others are veterans who have hit a snag for various reasons.

I don’t consider myself an “advice” type person. I mean, I have opinions and ideas, but relationships in general are far too complex for me to give anyone solid advice via email. But squishy advice? Sure! LOL. Seriously. It’s even more difficult with the extra helpings of insecurities, guilt, longing, and frustration that often come with Domestic Discipline or Dom/sub dynamics or anything but straight vanilla stuff.

COMMUNICATE: Calibrate / be Vulnerable!

The biggest challenge I hear about is in calibration – the needs of one person is not being met. Typically, the lack of agreement as to what one is willing to give to the other person is because neither person has clearly articulated their needs and desires. It’s impossible to reconcile this if someone isn’t being honest with their feelings.

The answer isn’t about trying to persuade the other person into your way of thinking. Doing so could set the stage for resentment that would eventually rear it’s head somewhere down the line. It isn’t about persuading, but about explaining. In my experience, a loving couple is always able to work out something that satisfies both people. It just takes real talking. It’s that vulnerability thing I post about all the time. Open communication that exposes all of you, your thoughts, your dreams, your desires. The more vulnerable people are to each other, the closer they become and the easier it is to calibrate each others needs and each others ability to fulfill those needs.

It often means one or both people have to adjust their expectations regarding what they truly want and what they are willing to give to the other person. Such adjustments aren’t made through force or surrender, but through love and understanding. Of course, some relationships can only take that so far. It’s no different than any other aspect of a relationship. If something is of paramount importance and is unfilled, well, the relationship can just erode to shit.

STRUGGLING DOM?

Contrary to what most people think, it isn’t uncommon for the Dom to be the reluctant one at the start of a DD journey. They fear becoming an arrogant self-absorbed sadistic dickhead. Too many people equate being a Head of Household or Dom to being some or all those things. If that is their fear, they have a gross misconception on what their role should be.

To truly be a leader of the household, you have to be a good listener, and demonstrate skills like consistency, empathy, conscientiousness, wisdom, assertiveness, self-assurance, tough mindedness, high standards, and emotional strength and stability. See, pretty easy, huh?

Of course, that’s not easy. I wrote of this over three years ago in 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. It isn’t easy for men who have never been asked to be that type of person in their marriage or relationship.

Then, to add to their challenges, I find that way too often the sub will undermine the very dynamic they are asking for. It’s like telling your mate you want “z” from them and every time they give you “z” you disapprove and say, “How dare you?” Then you start complaining that they aren’t being consistent in giving you “z.”

And sometimes it is subtle. And that’s where I thought I could throw in some tips that can help ensure you aren’t unintentionally undermining the leadership of your Dom.

TIPS FROM JEN (and elsewhere)

I did a web search for inspiration to help me succinctly organize my thoughts, else this would be just another long ass post of Jen ramblings. [Hmmm, Jen. Too late, it already is]. Who said that?

Anyway, I came across a site that so aptly explained things, that instead of “borrowing heavily” (i.e. copying a lot), I felt it best to just link you there.

GIRL GAME: Encouraging your Captain to Lead, from The Red Pill Room.

This site isn’t being kept up, but it is full of great content. That particular post from 2014 is spot on regarding things a submissive does that undermines her Dom. I am not saying there aren’t things a Dom can do that undermines his authority, but perhaps that will be for another post. This one is about things the sub can do to ensure they aren’t undermining their Dom.

Oh, quick disclaimer. I know my writing, as well as that Red Pill site, write from the perspective of the woman as the submissive. I don’t do that in ignorance that such relationships can have the genders in any role. It’s just as a woman who is a submissive wife, the submissive female happens to be the perspective I know best and from which I write.

To summarize and comment on the Red Pill Room post:

1. Make your expectations clear
   This may sound like a very UN-submissive thing, but it is actually very submissive in that it shows you respect his leadership and are reinforcing that it is something you cherish.
   
2. No wrong answers
   Men can be tentative, especially at the beginning of a DD journey. That tentativeness can result in their feeling rejected anytime you correct them. A big reason couples fail early on in DD is that the Dom is made to feel like they are doing it all wrong.
   
3. No backseat driving
   Similar to #2, once he has decided something, don’t pick at it, don’t alter it, don’t add to it. Just comply.
   
   That doesn’t mean you can’t clarify in order to ensure you understood his intentions. But there are ways to frame your questions such that they sound condescending or infer your rejection. For example, “What does THAT mean?” Ug. No good. Instead, offer your meaning to him and let him clarify, reject, or accept it. “What I understood that to mean is …. is that correct?”
   
   Oh, make that, “Is that correct, Sir.” hee-hee.
   
   #2 and #3 is where I found Maintenance to be of vital importance. If there is something I take exception to, or feel I need to better understand, I try to never question it in the moment. In the moment I comply because my compliance reinforces his leadership. Days later, at Maintenance, I can then ask, “Do you remember when you asked me to do x? I was wondering….” Respectful questions and inquiry are tremendously helpful in building his confidence and giving him the ability to improve without you explicitly directing that improvement.
   
4. Failure is part of the process.
   Success is never final, and failure is never fatal. We learn the most from failures. He can fail without feeling he is being a dick if we encourage his leadership and stay positive and stay focused on the successes.
   
5. Reward and Support
   Celebrate and reward victories! Reinforce all the behaviors you seek from your man. As for the defeats? Don’t rehash them. Instead, use them as opportunities to strengthen his leadership because if you accept his mistakes, he will gain confidence to take your dynamic to more victories.
   
   It fits in with my Golden Rule of DD as shared in 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & Golden Rule of DD. That Golden Rule is that those embarking on this dynamic should always recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, that means giving praise. For the Sub, it means giving thanks.

The fulfillment you should get from your dynamic is far greater than the agony of some temporary defeat. If that’s not the case, then clearly there are things the relationship needs to work on. And yes, maybe, just maybe, this dynamic isn’t for you.

Some people just like the “idea” of it, but none of the reality. If so, then relegate it to a part-time/kinky thing or simply fantasy. Nothing wrong with that! The point in a relationship is to find ways to fulfill each other and to have fun in exploring what fulfills the both of you, even if there are some missteps along the way.

And whether you agree with my lifestyle or not, taking the plunge into Domestic Discipline has been the most fulfilling adventure of my life. . . besides motherhood.

Next: 377. Yes. No. Maybe – Starting your Domestic Discipline

374. Uh-Oh-gasm: PUNISHED

I am past due on giving you pervs what you really want – a discipline story! Despite what you might conclude from my posts, spankings are not a daily thing, and infrequent of late – over a month now, and I am not complaining! (I am referring to disciplinary actions and not the spankings at Maintenance).

I mentioned in the 367. NO-vember post that I had an a UO (Unauthorized Orgasm). Read the end of that post for an explanation if you need it.

It happened in October, and thus far has been the only time I’ve orgasmed without permission. At that particular time I was allowed to masturbate at will – edging, no climax. One morning I awoke early in my bed a bit “tingly” down there. I didn’t recall having any sexually charged dream, but my kibbles and bits were giving off a subtle, yet noticeable, thrilling sensation. Hey, it happens to the best of us!

I reached down to check out what’s going on and, indeed, I was a bit moist! I thought I would reward myself with a little more of the thrilling sensation and then simply stop. I knew my journey to the O will take at least five minutes of manual stimulation, probably closer to ten. I wasn’t being overly aggressive in my diddling as I didn’t want to wake Mike or Kayla. Not out of shame – as clearly, I have none (hee-hee), but out of simple courtesy. So I diddled and diddled, confident my O was far away.

I was going at it two-handed style, one to explore around town and one to focus on the main event. That’s the clit, by the way. lol. I think you get the picture. I found I was approaching the O much faster than usual. I stopped, and waited for my heart rate to get back to normal. I could have stopped, but felt a second round of edging was in order and well within what I could handle as I couldn’t possibly be that close.

This time I went too far. I rapidly ascended the O-meter, racing towards the peak at break-neck speed. Well, not my neck, but my knuckles for sure. I stopped, in time, so I thought. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on perspective, the momentum of pleasure took me over the edge. I came.

And I did so with far too much intensity to have a shot at a ruined orgasm, as is required if I happen to come without permission.

As good as it felt, I was disappointed. I broke a rule. It doesn’t matter the rule. Breaking any rule is unfulfilling to me. And I had taken a lot of satisfaction from the fact that it had been over ten months since giving Mike my orgasm and I had never came without permission, until then.

It was a “Oh, shit,” moment of rule breaking, but I must admit, as disappointed as I was, I still told myself, “but that felt really good.”

In the morning I confessed to Mike. I was unsure of the punishment he had in mind, but history tells me he tends to try and associate the “punishment with the crime.”

PUSSY PENANCE

Following Mike’s instructions, I laid on the bed with my body in an “X”, arms spread above me, legs spread below. I had to explain the details of what happened. As I talked he occasionally gave a hand slap to my pussy. Nothing too hard, but enough to get my attention. He lectured me about my pussy being “his” and my orgasms belonging to him.

It was a very different lecture for me. More on that later. As I’ve shared many times, I try to keep sex distinct from my discipline. Sure, we haven’t always been 100% effective in that, but maybe 95%-ish. It reflects a preference I established at the start of our DD.

He retrieved the flogger and softly began to flog between my legs, slowly increasing the intensity. Soft became mild, mild became medium. It was there that the sensations turned from a pleasure/pain mix to just pain. He stopped once my wincing and squirming became increasingly animated.

He walked away and returned with the hairbrush. He told me I would get two series of five hard – and yes, the target was my pussy. The five came in quick succession and on the fifth I instinctively closed my legs as I gritted my teeth from the pain. He told me to spread my legs right now else we start over. I complied. 5 more. Ouch!

He then called me to stand up and bend over. I got about ten or so on my butt. He hugged me, and all was forgiven.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

A spanking implement care tip – especially when used on the kibbles and bits. We have some disinfectant wipes stored with our spanking implements. Whenever we retrieve an implement it gets wiped down, and wiped down again when we put it away. Spanking, especially with the flogger, can create micro tears in the skin that could invite germs and infection. And, If the object of the spanking is the vagina…well, even more inviting. So, keep your implements clean!

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULAR PROGRAM

I do not disagree with Mike’s course of action. It was atypical, but within the scope of what I have agreed and accepted. He’s my husband to whom I submit to, and look to, for discipline regarding ALL my rules.

In the end, I did not equate this punishment to sex. It stung and I was a bit tender for about two days. But, funny thing (or not so funny depending on your perspective), there were times the tenderness was a bit pleasurable. A nice bonus, indeed, BUT, not enough to compensate for the physical pain that preceded it and, most importantly, the emotional pain of disappointing myself and Mike.

SOMETHING UNRESOLVED

I feel I am still exploring this whole Orgasm Control/Denial thing. I have yet to completely figure out if it is truly for me.

On the “pro” side, I am loving it and I surprise myself by how much it has changed my views about my Orgasm. Both the idea of it and our implementation of it has tickled my submissive mind in all the wonderful ways I like it to be tickled.

BUT, on the “con” side, I can’t put my finger on it (ha, that’s a masturbation joke in case you missed it). I have this nagging feeling like it isn’t for me. It’s just too sexual and goes against my desires to keep my discipline separate form my sexual activities

But I don’t want to give up OC either! I can’t seem to reconcile those two thoughts.

And I have received “pussy spanking” before, although very rarely. Maybe this was the third or fourth time? So the punishment isn’t necessarily my issue. Or maybe it is?

Aha! Wait. That’s perfect A classic throw-back post where I share something, like a spanking, and follow it up with some esoteric ramble about the meaning of life, or in this case, something even better – the meaning of my orgasms!

That’s it. I rewarded you with the kinky post, so now it’s time to reward myself with a self indulgent post diving into trying to reconcile my inner conflict. Coming soon.

Uh. . . bad word choice!

NEXT: 375. Ode to Orgasm Control

370. ABSTINENCE AND ADDICTION?

A few post back I wrote of the orgasm denial event known as NOvember. Here’s how it went.

GROUND RULES

Since adding Orgasm Control (OC) to our dynamic a year ago, it’s been mostly a lot of edging, fairly frequent release, and very short periods of abstinence. HOWEVER, Mike wants NOvember to be different from our norm. He told me to expect it to be “mostly” about complete abstinence. He might allow some sex or edging at some point, but that I should expect little of that.

FIRST NIGHT – NOVEMBER 1

A day void of touching or overt sexual stimulation. I clarify “overt” because my default state is a 2 on a 1-10 scale of sexual stimulation and at this point I was easily a 3. The thought of month-long abstinence was enough to bump me up a notch. Hey, when you can’t have something, you just want it more! It was a day of subtle and not-so-subtle sexual aches and throbbing in my hinterlands. I did my best to ignore them. I was a good girl and did not engage those urges.

Bedtime. Keep in mind Kayla is not subject to NOvember (she will have her turn during JuNO). Mike and Kayla start having sex. Nothing noteworthy about that. I knew I could not join in without being asked and I had no expectation of Mike asking me to join. BUT, I figured I can do what I often do – watch! Nope!

Mike told me to roll over, my back to them, and go to sleep as he didn’t want me “turned on” by watching. Of course, I could still hear them (Kayla is, well, let’s say, “animated” when having sex). And I could still feel the bed moving, but, I complied and rolled over and closed my eyes.

Surprisingly, I fell asleep sometime after I heard Mike cum and tell Kayla to suck him “back into action” for another round. I slept through round two.

DAY 2 through 9 – WITHDRAWALS

Mike kept me completely chaste. It was harder than I expected. There were many times I didn’t think I was going to make it without touching myself. It was a near constant ache mixed with tingles in my nether-regions. My heart would race with thoughts of sexual stimulation. My mind went in and out of sexual thoughts MORE than usual. It was distracting and frustrating.

But I was a good girl. No touchy! Yea, me!

DAY 10 – DETOX

I was writing in my journal the evening of Day 10 and realized I hadn’t thought of sex a single time during the day. Like a switch, the sexual vibrations and desires were gone. It was odd. It had been 10 days since an orgasm and 10 days since any sex, manual or otherwise. I HAVEN’T BEEN DRY THAT LONG IN OVER 5 YEARS!

It felt. . . WEIRD. And the weirdest thing is, I would have expected that by just thinking about it, I would quickly revert back to the aches and tingles of those first 9 days – but I did not.

Prior to Day 10, when I wasn’t horny, I was still a little horny. Now? Nothing. Zip. Further, I felt content being abstinent and stimulus free. I began to revel in this new feeling. This feeling of being at ZERO on the sexual stimulus scale. What is this place? Where did it come from? I had forgotten it existed.

Hum? What’s going on down there? What’s going on in my head?

Nothin’ – nothing at all. That’s weird.

And in my submissive mind, a new realization emerged. I realized that a part of me was MISSING the frustration of those first 9 days. Yes, in hindsight, the sexual frustration was a type of submissive reward. But that was now gone. And no matter how much I missed the feelings of the ache between my legs and frustration over a lack of release, I could no longer connect to those feelings.

They were gone. I had detoxed from sex!

DAY 17- A REMINDER

17 days of not having sex or direct sexual stimulation in any way.

I mentioned back in May that we have an account on BDSMLR. Mike expects me and Kayla to post something on there fairly regularly, requiring us to peruse porn for something post worthy. I am doing that, all through NOvember, but even that isn’t moving the stimulation needle off of ZERO. That too was a weird experience. Looking at what is normally sexually stimulating images and feeling nothing!

But out of nowhere, on Day 17, I got this urge. I wasn’t even doing anything – honest! Just walking in my house and – wham – this tingle hits me between the legs. And more than just that, it is SHOUTING at me, demanding my attention. I sat down, pulled my knees together, clenched between legs, “Go away.” I worried that clenching was maybe a form of stimulation, so I quickly stopped, and squirmed to try to squash the feeling.

I confessed to Mike, and luckily he felt a clench was humorous and not a violation. Lucky me, I guess? Eventually this urge out of nowhere began to subside. There were a few aftershocks the rest of the day. Fortunately, I remained a good girl. No touchy!

DAY 18 – WHAT WAS THAT?

I don’t know what yesterday was about. Maybe that’s a classic withdrawal reaction? Sexual stimulation is full of feel good natural chemicals – rewards from your brain. Here’s an article.

I was coming off a nearly constant FIVE YEAR period of sexual stimulation. The decreased activity in my prefrontal cortex, orbitofrontal cortex, insula, cingulate gyrus, and cerebellum along with missing a steady release of oxytocin, meant my body was going through real withdrawals. Who knew? But lucky the return of my “withdrawals” only lasted a day. Day 18 was “urge” free.

DAY 19 through 30 – Submissive mind connects!

Mike followed through with this possibly being a month of no sex. No sexual acts were performed on or by me, by myself or with someone else.

And a new feeling emerged. Joy! I was enjoying being denied!

Even though we have been doing OC for a year, for the first time I felt I truly understood what I was giving Mike. I found joy in the fact he was holding my orgasms. I knew (or at least hoped) that at some point he will let me have one. But I found joy in that I didn’t just give him control of the “10” on the sexual stimulation scale, I gave him the entire scale, including 1 through 9.

My submissive mind connected to OC in a new way that was extremely fulfilling to me. I realized it wasn’t enough to grant Mike certain controls over me. Giving up power means far less than him actually USING those powers. It’s like if I had given him the power to discipline, yet he never disciplined. I gave him control of my sexual activity a long time ago, but he never took that control like he did in NOvember. Mmmmmm. I like that.

The submissive mind is weird!

DECEMBER 1 – LET IT RAIN?

When NOvember started, I had imagined December 1, as being an orgasm-fest. That I’d ask Mike if I could masturbate or have sex as soon as woke up and I’d spend most of the day fiddling myself. It turns out, I didn’t have any sex on December 1.

Somewhere in my mind I got it that the month was starting on Wednesday. So I had already told myself Wednesday was the day of orgasm. It was half-way through Tuesday that I realized it was now December. The odd thing was, I didn’t immediately equate it to being the end of NOvember. That’s how far I came in detoxing from sex. (hum…is that the right way to frame that sentence… came?) I digress.

But later that evening it DID dawn on me. And since Mike hadn’t said a word, I thought I’d show how “tough” I was. I didn’t say a word either and waited to see what happened at bed time.

Well, at bedtime we had sex, but, Mike surprised me and said, “But I don’t want you to orgasm. You can do that first thing tomorrow.”

I’ve had “no orgasm” rules before. But not after a month of abstinence. I wasn’t sure I could do it. But actually, it was easier than ever. I think it was because I was starting at ZERO versus already being at a 2 or 3. I was also way more focused on Mike and Kayla. Almost as if I was just watching the three of us and not participating. It was a nice perspective. It felt good to be an observer of my own sexual activity.

DECEMBER 2

I awoke from my sleep. NOvember was awesome. The journey was amazing, the things I felt were amazing, the things I learned about myself were amazing. It all felt great, but DAMN! I was ready for it to be over.
I got to fingering right away and didn’t stop until I came.

I’ve been allowed free reign on my orgasms until further notice. I’ve already had to recharge several vibrators! I am glad I’ve got 11 months before next NOvember!

NEXT: 371. So long to Sex? Submissive Wife.

368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

Figured I’d close the loop with you all on what happened/is happening with Chelsea. As shared in several posts, she stayed with us for while as her husband worked on out-of-town job. (Post 357, Post 358, and Post 359).

I am sharing this in part because I find it fascinating and I think others might relate to bits and pieces of this. Even if you don’t, it may satisfy the voyeur in you that likes to peer into the lives of others.

Her time with us was full of personal revelations for her as I detailed in 359. There was one revelations that was not on the list as she didn’t come to it until later in her visit. That is, she realized she had a lot of controlling behaviors when it came to how she treated her husband, Jaime.

She is controlling, but not in a “tell him what to do” sort of way. She tries to control how he feels about her and how he reacts to her. She is submissive in that she likes to be under his guidance and be told what to do and have to meet his expectations. But even with that, she still wants control over his reactions to her. She wants to be recognized as nice, loving, and caring. Of course, who doesn’t? But for her, it creates two sets of consequences.

One, when she doesn’t get the reaction she wants, she sulks, she misbehaves, and her body language is disapproving. She is likely to start a debate about something he asks of her. Simply, she undermines the dominance she wants from him.

The second consequence of her actions is that it causes Jaime to become uncertain, hesitant, and insecure about whether he is “doing it right” as far as being the Dom she desires. Jaime is a bit shy and reserved by nature. When Chelsea does something he perceives as a rejection or challenge to his role, he backs off from the responsibilities of that role. And in turn, that cascades into several other consequences.

His backing off means Chelsea doesn’t get the consistency she wants from him. In frustration, Jaime has turned to Mike to provide that consistency. I’ve shared before that Mike has become the surrogate Dom to Chelsea and often administers her discipline. And as Mike observed, it was causing both of them to become more passive-aggressive towards each other. Effective communication was breaking down in the process.

One of the things I’ve observed in Mike is that when it comes to communication with me or with Kayla, it is aggressive-agressive, not passive-aggressive. And I don’t mean it as “aggression.” There is no hostility or anger. I mean it in the way aggressive means decisive, clear, assertive, unambiguous, with clearly stated, and more importantly, clearly understood, intentions.

For example:

Passive Aggressive: “Isn’t that a lot of makeup?”
Aggressive-aggressive: “I don’t want you wearing so much make up.”

Sure, aggressive-aggressive is controlling. That’s what D/s is full of. But it is not passive-aggressive. Aggressive-Aggressive is about taking the wheel and driving right to your destination. Passive-Aggressive is hinting and mumbling about your desired destination, and then whining and resenting it when you don’t arrive there.

Chelsea realized that while she still thrives at being submissive, she needs explicit words of encouragement and appreciation from Jaime. All it took was sharing that with Jaime and Jaime was like, “Yeah, I can do that, because I am amazed by you and all you are willing to do for me. ”

Funny, she had fewer reservations about asking Jaime to be spank her and bring Domestic Discipline into their marriage than she did about simply admitting to him she needed more words of encouragement from him. Humans!

It might be easy to blame Jaime for not being more outwardly supportive. But he tends to be a person of few words, and it is just not his demeanor to verbally praise. It reminds me of something I posted several years ago – Post 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline. As well as what is in the two posts right after that one, 159. Follow the Leader. and 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. as well as the post right after that one.

That “Golden Rule” is: Make sure you both recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, it means giving praise.  For the Sub, it means giving thanks. 

Since Chelsea has returned to Jaime, Mike continues to check in with them almost daily. They have both made an effort to work on this issue and apparently it is paying dividends. They both report a new energy and connection in their marriage.

HOWEVER, this post just talked of this newer epiphany regarding Chelsea realizing the impact of her controlling behavior mixed with Jaime’s reserved personality. What of the other realizations Chelsea had as I previously shared?

Her sexuality? She said she really wants Jaime in her life and as her husband, but she would love an open marriage with a third like what I have. And she feels very in love with Kayla. Kayla enjoys Chelsea company and considers her her best friend, but the “love connection” is not 100% mutual. And Kayla told her she is not interested in being their “third” as she is committed to our relationship. But, as ours is an open relationship, that doesn’t mean Kayla can’t be a “friend with benefits.” And for now, that is how that stands. Chelsea shared her feelings with Jaime and reassured him she has no intentions of leaving him – ever. And her desire for a relationship with a woman would always be within the context of their marriage and whatever Jaime would allow.

Chelsea feels relieved to have shared this with Jaime and for Jaime to have accepted it. She said she thinks some of her passive-aggressive tendencies was her trying to suppress or keep her strong feelings about this issue to herself.

I won’t go point-by-point through the remaining realizations shared in those other posts about Chelsea. But, to sum them all up —

While not completely gone, she is definitely on the road to reconciling every one of those issues and doing so with Jaime’s love and support. It’s amazing what 100% transparent communication and allowing yourself to be fully VULNERABLE to your mate can do for a relationship, especially when that vulnerability is reciprocated.

And if by chance it isn’t reciprocated or that the “full you” is not appreciated. . . well, isn’t that an invaluable thing to learn about your mate? It may hurt, but it hurts a lot less than a lifetime of negative behaviors and being unfulfilled.

Next: 369. Make Feeling Good Great Again

366. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

Kayla had a birthday this week. She’s 26. It’s so amazing to experience who she is today and to have been part of the journey that brought her to this point. We also recently had our 2nd anniversary as … well, as I don’t know what you would call it? Publicly bonded triad? I’ll save the Kayla and family update for another post. This one will be about the person I know best. Me!

I want to dive right in to the fulfillment I get from being a submissive wife in Domestic Discipline.

MY MARRIAGE

While I will focus mainly on how I feel about me, I want to start with what it means to my marriage. DD has taken the intimacy level to immeasurable heights. I don’t just mean sexually. By being 100% vulnerable to each other, we both feel completely safe and secure to reveal the truth about ourselves to each other. By being totally free to express our needs, desires, and whims, with the sometimes illogical origins, we are actually revealing the “walls” that are around us. And by revealing them to each other, those walls disappear. As I’ve written many times, the result is, we are one, but not the same (cue U2).

Vulnerability is an amazing thing. Maybe I will post about it some time. — If you are new here, I’ve done like a bazillion posts about the power of vulnerability. Go to my shortcuts and there are nine of them referenced in my Nine Thoughts on Finding Happiness.

ME

To sum up all that submission gives me — It shrinks the world!

It simplifies, synthesizes, and purifies. It filters out all the noise and leaves me able to focus singularly on what is truly important to me.

It gives me structure, and the more rules I have, the more secure I feel.

It provides me clear standards at which to measure my moments and my days.

It gives me time and energy, as I no longer do things that are unimportant, frivolous, or uninspiring.

It makes me accountable to the people that are most important to me and through accountability I am fulfilled and redeemed.

It gives me an incredible amount of love, devotion, and attention from Mike. He is deeply invested in my day-to-day activities like never before.

The sex is incredible! Just sayin’.

Yes, in order to get all those things I have had to give up some things as well. I gave up various powers in exchange for all of the above. Best deal I’ve ever made!

Serving Mike as I do was not done on a whim. We didn’t get to where we are overnight. It was a choice I initially made, and he subsequently made. It filled me with a freedom unlike any I had ever felt. It was absent any pressure or outside urgency. It just felt right from the beginning through today. We somehow found something in each other that we didn’t even know was missing within us and between us. We both offered parts of ourselves that no one had ever offered us nor that we had ever offered each other.

It’s NOT EASY. It’s hard work, dedication, devotion, determination, kindness, and empathy. The hardest part? It’s honesty and communication at a 100% transparent level. It’s the removal of all boundaries between two people. It’s a willingness to explore each other, allow each other to explore the world around us, and explore ourselves all without judgment or fear from the other.

OUT OF OUR VULNERABILITIES CAME OUR STRENGTHS!

And if I had to do it again, my choices would have remained the same.

submissive wife

This. Is. Who. I. Am!

P.S. Did I mention the sex is incredible?

Net: 367. NO-vember: Orgasm Control

360. FINGER SPANKIN’ GOOD

Chelsea’s been here a week. While parts of her day are filled with emotion-filled discovery, overall it is upbeat and joyful. It’s nice to have someone different to interact with as it’s been six-months of either isolation or significant separation from fellow humans thanks to Covid.

Chelsea brings a different energy to the house. She’s a bit frenetic, a bit of nervous energy. I feel like Cesar Milan, (the dog whisperer), in that I know she will thrive if she can just maintain a calm submissive state! Ruff-ruff!

I’ve learned a lot more about her upbringing, fears, anxieties, and aspirations. She always struck me as being confident, but now I see her confidence was cover for significant feelings of inadequacy. I can also see her need to present a false sense of confidence is slowly being replaced by real confidence. It isn’t easy. There is a lot of insecurity in her and it will take a long time for her to fully squash it. At least she recognizes there is a healthy way to address it: Trust and be vulnerable to those you have invited into your life! I am SOOO digging that phrase!

I am sure I will have an update or two along the way during her visit. Especially if she decides it’s time to have a serious talk with Jaime. She might wait for him to return home. We shall see. I think a lot of her current anxiety is around having “the talk” with Jaime. A lot of her future rides on his reaction. While uncertain, my bet is he will be supportive and they will come out better for it. Always the optimist!

SWITCHING GEARS
Now for something completely different.

Given that it’s kinky, I guess it isn’t THAT different.

I’ve shared that I don’t like to mix sex with my discipline. For me they are distinct. While our sex can sometimes included kinky things like a slap on various body parts, and our play can sometimes include flogging of various body parts, none of those activities are in the context of discipline.

It’s different for Kayla in that, for her, sex and discipline can mix. A spanking or other form of discipline from Mike can often end in sexual acts of one kind or other. I understand it to a degree. and recognize that sometimes I feel aroused during discipline. One trigger in particular that tends to increase the moisture (aka “get me wet) is Mike’s words. Sometimes a harsh lecture turns me on!

Despite any arousal, I’ve shared with Mike my desire to keep sex separate from discipline. I haven’t really given deep thought into why that is important to me, it just is. Mike has always respected. Well, not 100% of the time.

I was spanked yesterday. Car registration and inspection were due by the end of August and it’s my responsibility to take care of it. I forgot. I got it done today, so luckily didn’t get a ticket. While that would have made things worse, it still isn’t an excuse for getting off without some discipline. And for added context, I’ve been spanked over the last few weeks for other things that go under the category of “I forgot.” Some grocery items I was to pick up, some errand I was to run.

I am highly organized around my household duties and quick to enter any task into my calendar on my phone with plenty of reminders set to ensure I meet my commitments. I think the string of forgetfulness was simply over confidence. I had started to no bother to enter things in my phone and just store the reminder in my head. Not a good idea.

Given the string of forgetfulness, Mike gave me a very stern lecturing. While I always find them erotically humbling, for whatever reason, this one was particularly arousing. I think part of it was that while not in our bedroom as an eyewitness, Chelsea was clearly able to overhear everything Mike was saying. I don’t know if that stimulated the exhibitionist in me, or what exactly was going on in my body.

I think part of it was that I liked the fact that Mike was undeterred simply because Chelsea could hear. He was going to say and do what needed to be said and done, no matter who heard. I liked that. Also, I had not been allowed to orgasm in three days.

I don’t connect to anything related to DDlg, but I do find lectures to be infantilizing. It makes me feel like a little girl. I like that feeling, but only in the context of his lectures. Odd. Hey, don’t question what turns you on, just go with it!

THE SPANKING FINGERING
So here we are, Mike lecturing me. We are nude, by the way, as is our default when we are home. He puts me over his knee and begins to spank me by hand. I can sense I am wet down there, but I don’t know to what degree. At some point, he readjusted my position across his lap. I don’t know if he felt something on his leg or his hand as it brushed between my legs.

He gave me three hard smacks and said, “My, you are wet, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Sir, I guess so,” I replied.

Three more hard smacks, and then he spread my legs and reached around and rubbed the outside of my pussy, giving it three strokes with closed fingers.

“No guessing. You most certainty are,” he said smugly.

While he didn’t rub hard, each stroke made me flinch and with each one I let out a little whimper, each whimper a little longer than the one before.

“Like that?” he asked.

“Yes, Sir.” I said coldly, no expression. I was feeling like my body was betraying me.

He resumed spanking me, as I expected. After about twenty or thirty, he began to rub my butt, which is not unusual. Clearly I was sexually aroused. Just the rubbing of my butt elicited not just a small whimper, but a subconscious writhing of my body, which was still laid out across his lap.

Mike’s movements throughout the spanking had slid my body so that his knee was close to being between my legs. He then guided my body so that his knee was firmly between my legs. It wasn’t a push.. It was a guide, and I did not resist. I quickly started humping his leg, softly at first, then more intently and with purpose.

I wasn’t even thinking about this being a spanking. After grinding on his leg for I don’t know how long, he pulled my body back up into a proper spanking position. He gave me a few more hard whacks and then slid his hand between my legs and started playing with my pussy.

Before long he was fully fingering me and my twisting and contorting across his lap became more and more animated. It didn’t stop until I orgasmed.

As I was catching my breath, still sprawled across his knee, Mike remarked, “Well, that wasn’t much of a punishment?”

“Best punishment, ever,” I said with a smile.

Whack. He smacked my butt hard and sarcastically said, “Best punishment, ever. . . SIR”

“Yes, Sir. Best punishment ever, Sir,” I said in a seductive voice. And feeling a stiffness against my belly I said, “And do you need me to take care of that erection, Sir?”

“Now Jen, you know this isn’t your thing to mix discipline with sex. While too late for that, do you really want to go further?”

“Yes,” I replied.

Mike thought for a moment and said, “Well, here’s the deal. You can suck me off and I give you a proper spanking of 25 with the belt, or we can conclude this punishment now and that’s that. No sucking.”

Mike was clearly being playful, but I knew he meant it as well. He was actually giving me a choice between giving him head AND being spanked versus avoiding further spankings. Heck, I was fully sexually satisfied at the moment, so any dick sucking would be 100% for his satisfaction. Do I want to endure the belt when there is no upside for me? The answer seemed obvious.

But I also took Mike’s tone as a bit of a playful dare. He was taunting me to accept the spanking. “I know we messed up and mixed pain with pleasure. We shouldn’t violate your values so nonchalantly. It seems that you owe it to yourself to finish me off and then be properly punished.”

Arg! What to do! Uphold my long held position that the sanctity of my discipline should not be violated by sex, or spare the sting of the belt? I love playful games with Mike. And I love to feel victorious in these games. But which one was “victory” for me? What did I do? Inquiring minds want to know.

REFLECTION
This incident did not mark a change in my desires to keep discipline separate from sex. It was simply one of those things that is bound to happen from time to time. No need to fight it. No need to over analyze it.

I let Mike know it is my wish to continue our tradition of keeping it separate. No regrets or remorse over what happened. Quite the opposite. It was fun! We can be playful at times, even during a punishment. Exceptions to every rule, as long as we both agree.

I am debating whether or not to tell you if I took the “dick and belt” or graciously accepted the out. (Ha. Dick and Belt sounds like a good name for a morning radio duo. “It’s Dick and Belt in the morning, coming to you on KBDSM radio). I digress)

I’ll let you know. Next post.

Place your bets!

NEXT POST: 361. CHILDHOOD IS WASTED ON CHILDREN

359. Domestic Discipline will AMP YOU UP

Domestic Discipline will AMP {clap} you up!

Picking up where I left off. . .

When Chelsea arrived she emptied her suitcase and other personal items in our guest bedroom and joined us in the living room as Mike calls us together for this unique “Maintenance Session” as explained in my prior post.

And as if by magic, something unexpected happened. Something that could take months, if not years, or even a lifetime for someone to articulate to someone else. Chelsea said the most amazing and surprising thing.

As I left off in the prior post, Mike stated, “. . . I don’t ask you to be anyone other than yourself.”

Chelsea didn’t say anything right away. It’s like I could sense the wires starting to connect… zzzt, zzzt, zzzzzzt!

With the saddest face humanly possible, she mumbled,
“But. But. But, what if I’m not enough? What if there’s something wrong with me?”

And then she cried.

Mike immediately went to her and held her. He assured her that no matter what, it can only be right.

I recognized Chelsea had a lot she needed to get off her chest. I felt like the setting might be intimating for her. Seemingly ready to reveal her worst fears in life, I felt the fewer people around the better. Overcoming my predisposition to be nosy, I knew my presence wasn’t valuable. While Kayla is her best friend, I sensed even having her around might be a bit much. Chelsea said what she said to Mike, staring straight at him as if we weren’t even there. I asked Mike if Kayla and I could leave the room and he agreed.

I don’t have a bad relationship with Chelsea, but it hasn’t evolved to be one best suited for what it appeared she needed at that moment. I’ve never had a meaningful one-on-one discussion with her. Probably the most I ever talked to her without Mike or Kayla around was during our threesome with TJ. A totally different context!

Mike and Chelsea were left in our living room as Kayla and I retreated to our bedroom. It was about two hours before Mike came in, Chelsea in hand. He said we will watch a movie and just relax together. (We watched The One and Only Ivan. It was okay. Various sub-plots going on and worth a watch on television but I am glad we didn’t spend movie money on it. Sort of what you probably feel about reading my blog! lol). Chelsea sat on the couch between Mike and Kayla, and I was sitting in the recliner. Chelsea was gripping Mike’s hand almost like a scared child. During the movie she ended up with her head on his shoulder, and she fell asleep. It wasn’t that late. Maybe 8:30 or 8:45 p.m.

After about thirty minutes of her sleeping, Mike gently woke her and softly asked her if she would like to go to bed. She nodded and he whispered for her to get ready for bed and he would come to the room in a bit.

He went to the bedroom and didn’t return to the living room for about forty-five minutes. He asked Kayla to talk to Chelsea, so she did. It got later and later and eventually both me and Mike got ready for bed and could still hear the mumbling of Kayla and Chelsea talking.

Kayla eventually emerged and asked Mike if she could sleep with Chelsea. “As in sleep, sleep, no sex,” she clarified. She said Chelsea didn’t want to be alone. Mike agreed and oddly, he added, “And if it leads to sex, so be it. I’ll leave that up to you.”

I didn’t ask Mike to tell me what Chelsea shared. I’ve learned from my relationship with Kayla that it is best to leave it up to her to share with me what she wants. There shouldn’t be this assumption that I “deserve” or demand to know everything they discuss or do with Mike. They are free to explore and develop their relationship with him, free from my hovering around it. In this case, Mike told Chelsea he would share things with me, thus. . .

Mike told me that Chelsea indeed has a lot of “sorting out to do.” I pretty much nailed it in my assessment that she isn’t connected to what she is truly feeling or truly wants. Mike said that’s only half of it.

I don’t intend to turn my blog into the “Chelsea life story blog.” But the run down is this:

CHELSEA’S CHALLENGES
1. She’s uncertain of her sexuality
She thinks she might be gay. Bisexual for sure. Prefers women, not to say that she doesn’t love Jaime. It’s just “different, complicated, and confusing.”

2. Jaime’s fidelity
Jaime cheated on her a lot before they got married, supposedly not since. She never really reconciled it in her mind and continues to blame herself for not being enough for him during that time.

3. She fears not being enough
She loves her husband and wants him to be happy and be the one for him to be happy with. Her guilt and insecurities (my words) made her put tremendous pressure on herself and her hopes that D/s would transform their relationship for the better. She personally likes being submissive and was eager to embrace D/s. Her expectations were very high. She feels she connected with D/s and gets to be more of her true self as a submissive. This makes Jaime’s perceived rejection of it all the more painful to her.

4. She’s loves being submissive
While loving the idea of being submissive, it only has felt right to her when Mike is the one providing direction or delivering consequences. She admitted to acting up (aka “bratting”) with Jaime so that Jaime would have to take action. Instead, Jaime would often turn to Mike in frustration.

She likes submitting to Jaime, but, in her words, “he’s bad at being a Dom.” And despite all the issues, she is convinced she loves Jaime but not convinced he loves her.

5. Swinging/swap conflict
She hasn’t fully reconciled the whole swinging/swap stuff within our COT. Part of her feels it’s Jaime’s way of demonstrating she isn’t enough for him. But at the same time, she said they both found it exciting and they connected in new ways. They both were open with each other about what they did, what they felt, what they liked, what they didn’t. She cherished those conversations and it made her feel good that he enjoyed it and enjoyed her enjoying it. But she isn’t 100% convinced. Again, lots of insecurities.

6. She’s in love with Kayla
Yeah, there’s that. She admitted it.

WHAT DOES JAIME KNOW?
Mike asked her how much of this she discussed with Jaime. Virtually none!

She thinks sharing her thoughts about her sexuality would be unfair because she hasn’t figured it out herself. “What if I am wrong and he freaks out over nothing? What if he thinks it means I don’t love him or that he is inadequate in some way? What if he leaves?”

She wants a life with him, as his wife, kids, all that. My thoughts are that she’s not gay, bisexual for sure, and will hopefully come to terms with it at her own pace regarding what it means for her and her marriage.

She’s mortified to address their D/s and our COT. “What if I am right and he never wanted it or liked any of it. I feel so embarrassed for liking it myself.” My two cents is that he enjoys her submission and the COT. I think he is just as insecure as she is. That insecurity comes off as indifference. There’s just too much left unsaid between them and their individual insecurities are filling in the gaps.

She said they did have conversations about the swinging, but she never revealed her motivations behind it – motivations based on pleasing him. And while they mutually shared the genuine excitement and energy it brought to their relationship, she never told him that it also includes feelings of not being enough or being discarded. Despite her liking so many things about it, at its root it represented her failings as a wife. Those horrible feelings were conflicted with the thrill it also brought to both of them and their relationship. And her love of the eperiences with other women was conflicted with her concerns about her sexual identity.

All of this was from her eight hours with us! Things sure move fast in my kink-vortex! I’ve got a theory about why that is, but I’ll save that for some other post.

MY NEW NARRATIVE
The next day we followed through with our plans and Chelsea shadowed me much of the day, and then shadowed Kayla the next, she even saw Kayla get spanked. And I’ve now had the opportunity to talk to Chelsea one-on-one for quite awhile and I’ve adjusted my narrative about her.

She knows who she is, she’s just afraid to show it, both to herself, and to others. A fear based in her childhood that she carried forward to her marriage. Her ability to articulate what she wants is hiding behind the thinnest veneer. Once punctured, she has been very articulate, clear, and more importantly, confident.

She wants to be married to Jaime. She wants to let him lead and needs to work with him on defining what that means on his terms, not hers. She wants an open marriage, especially wants to explore her sexuality more. She understands that may be hard on Jaime as he may fear her leaving him for a woman. They’ll just have to work that out and it is no different than her fears he could leave her for another woman. “Who knows,” she said, “maybe we find a win-win and get ourselves a third!”

She likes D/s and loves the idea of submitting, to Jaime, to Mike, or to a woman. She feels the most comfortable in a submissive role, including being disciplined. She said she always felt fine being spanked as a child. Not that she enjoyed it, but that it didn’t make her feel defective and she doesn’t feel scarred by it. To her it was effective and she believes it is “appropriate for a husband to spank his wife. ”

When she said that, I was ready to denounce that concept. I don’t buy into it as being “appropriate” in the way she was using that word. She was using it as meaning “natural order of things.” Ug. That’s not my belief. I’ve ranted about that before so will spare you another rant. Suffice to say, I bit my tongue and accepted that if it was right for her, then so be it. (120. Is this submissive a feminist, and 350. Equity and Fairness)

WHAT NOW?
For now she is waiting to have her deep dive conversation with Jaime. She wants to continue talking with us, flexing her ability to articulate her feelings and better understand what it is she is feeling. And by us, I do mean us. She’s opened up to me and I think likes the attention from all three of us, especially Mike. She Facetimes every day with Jaime, and Jaime even noted her upbeat demeanor. It seems she is feeling good about the direction she is headed.

BTW, Chelsea didn’t have sex with Kayla that first night. They just cuddled and went to sleep. There’s some things that have to be sorted out there because Chelsea loves Kayla. Kayla loves her to but not in that same way, so it’s unfair to pursue the sexual activities if the feelings are unbalanced. And there is the whole thing of what role Mike plays in Chelsea’s life and her dynamic within her marriage. But all of those things flow from Chelsea first needing to establish a stronger sense of self. Once that is done, everything else should be much easier to sort out.

I’ve always stated that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, or go down a path of exploring kinks (which is related to vulnerability), the experience serves as an AMPLIFIER for what your relationship already has. If there are fears, insecurities, and confusion, they will be amplified ten-fold. If there is trust, acceptance, and confidence, that too will be amplified ten-fold.

And Domestic Discipline amplifies all of them even more.

358. CHELSEA MOVES IN

First off, to be clear, my title of my last post was a bit of creative puffery, making something appear more alarming that it is. Mike has no intentions of Chelsea becoming a “fourth” in our marriage. Three’s Company is enough for this marriage. Let’s jump right in.

When Mike told me Chelsea would move in, before he even asked me what I thought, he shared a bit of his thinking.

He said Jaime and Chelsea were having problems and Jaime felt their problems would intensify if Chelsea were left alone while he was gone. Chelsea didn’t want to be alone that long, but didn’t have any options other than go stay with her parents, and she didn’t want to do that for many reasons.

Chelsea has physically changed a lot since mid-March. She’s gained about 35-40 pounds. From about 115 to the 150 range. She looks great as honestly, I feel she was underweight at 115. She’s 5’8. I had stated 5’9 previously, but stand corrected! She is very petite. “Small boned” as they say. So even at around 115 she didn’t look as light as she weighed, if that makes sense. Point is, she’s put on a lot of weight in a short amount of time and her current weight is still well within healthy limits. The issue is that the pace of the gain may be a symptom of something else.

Jaime also said she is drinking more. They often have wine and even a mixed drink here and there, but rarely enough to be anything more than minor-buzz-inducing. More recently she has got passed out drunk on more than one occasion.

Mike had been keeping in contact with the two of them throughout Covid, via Zoom, Facetime, and calls, and texts. Chelsea had been begging Mike to allow them to come over or for Kayla or for him to visit in person, but Mike said no.

Lastly, while Jaime said it was his idea to have her stay with us, she was 100% onboard and loved the idea. As for sex, Jaime also told Mike that he was comfortable with whatever transpired and if Chelsea was comfortable having sex with anyone, he was fine with it. He just wanted Chelsea to tell him about it.

It was clear to me that Chelsea would benefit from professional counseling, but that was not going to happen. With Jaime leaving, she needed someone there to support her right away. Friends would have to do. We would have to do. Mike said we would do the same if it were Donna, Kim,or Jill. It wasn’t about our lifestyle, it was about friends helping friends.

Okay, I am in! HOWEVER. . . how did he see us helping?

Mike’s first thought was to rely on DD. Chelsea was submitting to Jaime in that way, and pre-Covid Mike performed a lot of her discipline. She was very comfortable with Mike spanking her (in my mind, she prefers it over Jaime spanking her). Mike’s thinking and what he had discussed with Jaime and Chelsea was to approach it from a D/s perspective. Set clear rules and clear consequences for breaking the rules. And as far as sex goes, he felt Chelsea should be part of whatever she wanted to be a part of.

UG!!! NO!
I completely disagreed, to say the least (but respectfully so).

I shared with Mike that I am not convinced she is really submissive. Yes, she goes through the motions, but I don’t know that it really connects to her or fulfills her. I think that is why she hasn’t responded to Jaime’s leadership/Dominance. Not only has Jaime been inconsistent, but I think Jaime senses it isn’t what Chelsea really wants. Jaime goes along with it but he too is going through the motions, not truly fulfilled by it.

Mike was horrified by that narrative. He immediately recognized the implications if that narrative were true. That the two of them sort of fell into it because of us, and weren’t aware enough about their own feelings to realize they didn’t belong.

Keep in mind I did not, and still do not, know whether my narrative is accurate. It is only a suspicion. I have not talked or observed Jaime or Chelsea nearly as much as Mike or Kayla have. So I could be wrong, but as shared with Mike, “What are the implications if I am correct?”

Mike agreed that while she would be staying with us, our goal would be to help start to find herself and to hopefully love what she finds. In a lot of ways, it’s a bit second nature to us. It’s very much the way we parented our children, and how we always supported Kayla.

Mike talked to Jaime about our new plan of action. Jaime deferred to Mike but said it best not to tell Chelsea until she was actually staying with us. Jaime was concerned she would be heartbroken and didn’t want her to be alone. Thus, Mike waited until she stayed with us before explaining how things would be.

SHE ARRIVES
The first thing we did when she moved in was to have a “group Maintenance Session.” She loved the idea of that as she is well aware of Maintenance Sessions, although she was disappointed when this session didn’t include any spankings. The purpose of this session was to calibrate expectations. The ground rules are:

1. She would not be subject to any disciplinary actions. That is, no spankings from Mike if she misbehaved
2. No sex with any of us. She is free to masturbate, in private or subject to any rules Jaime has for her regarding that.
3. The three of us would NOT perform any sexual acts in her presence.
4. We asked her to take turns shadowing me all day, then Kayla all day. Joining us on our walks, helping us with whatever chores we had, and even witness any discipline we received. Exception is when she needed to attend class (virtually), study, or do homework.
5. We asked her to journal extensively about her thoughts and feelings regarding what she observed and about any aspect of her life. The journal was hers, with no expectation that she share it unless she wanted to.
6. She was encouraged to ask questions about anything and everything. That was more a rule for the three of us to follow to make sure we included her and was proactive in engaging her, asking her how she felt about certain things and hopefully get her to open up.
7. At some point we would reconvene, throw out these rules, and talk about what made sense going forward.

The point was not to mandate much of anything, but to suggest, encourage, and leave it up to her.

Her response was interesting. She didn’t want such latitude. She said she wanted to be told how it would be. She wanted to be held accountable if she didn’t behave accordingly. She became emotional and very teary eyed. She said to Mike, “Why won’t you just let me submit to you and be like Jen and Kayla?”

I was proud of Mike’s response.

“Because you are Chelsea. If you want to submit to me, then submit to being Chelsea for me. I don’t ask Kayla to be Jen, nor Jen to be Kayla, and I don’t ask you to be anyone other than yourself.”

And as if by magic, something unexpected happened. Something that could take months, if not years, or even a lifetime for some people to realize. Chelsea said the most amazing and surprising thing.

Next post!

359. DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE WILL AMP YOU UP

357. “WE THREE” ARE NOW “WE FOUR” (temporarily?)

My prior post ended with stating I feel there is nothing that can ever mount a meaningful challenge to my perceptions about the happy, healthy, confident, secure, and fulfilled life I lead. One can never be so sure until that perception passes some tests.

{Test enters}

Remember Chelsea? Here’s a recap. Her and her husband, Jaime, are part of our Circle of Trust (COT). A group of close friends with whom we have been known to swing/swap with on occasion as well as live our kinks out in the open.

More background so I don’t repeat myself:
Post 308. Chelsea Part I. Post 329. More Immersion 2019: Playing with Friends. Post 335. The Bond of Sex.

The background is relevant to this post, I promise! And here is some more background before I get to what’s behind this post. If you want to skip to the point, then scroll down to the highlighted title after this one:

MORE BACKGROUND
I liked Chelsea from the start. My initial assessment was that she lacks a filter, which I totally relate to, and speaks her mind. Her delivery is one of inquisitiveness. She is honestly curious. I described it in a prior post as “authentic.”

First impressions are funny things.

Over time I’ve found her to be, well. . . not so authentic. I think “competitive” is the better term. Competitive for her husband’s attention, competitive in submission with Kayla and Kayla’s life in general, and competitive for Mike’s affection. That competitiveness is all a veneer to deep insecurities.

I don’t sense any nefarious intent on her part. She isn’t consciously doing it to achieve some wicked result. It’s more of a protection mechanism she has developed. My arm-chair psychoanalysis of her is that she lacks maturity and a confidence.

She doesn’t really know who she is or what she wants. She copes with this by striving to emulate others she admires and she yearns for their approval. And because she doesn’t know what truly fulfills her, she isn’t always content with whatever transpires. She sees others liking something, so she does it. She doesn’t like it, and feels inadequate, guilty, or “less than,” because it didn’t give her the fulfillment it gives others.

This adds to her feeling of inadequacy and emptiness and her response is to double-down on mirroring those she admires instead of addressing her feelings and finding what truly makes her happy. Her actions and emotions or often only mirrors, and mirrors can only do three things: reflect, distort, and break.

Phew. Yeah, and I didn’t even charge her for that analysis! Seriously, I am not so arrogant to think I am 100% correct, but that narrative fits with all that I have observed, and I tend to observe people very closely.

It would be easy to blame her upbringing. If you didn’t read the links recapping her background, the short of it is she grew up in a household where corporal punishment was a family tradition and a family affair. I don’t think that is her issue. I think a lot of pressure was put on her as the oldest daughter – be the “perfect daughter” and check all the boxes for her parent’s notion of what it means to be a girl – a notion rooted in a highly patriarchal mind set.

On the outside she seems to have it together. She is very driven to finish college. She left home at 18 to get married and spent several years working hard to be in a position to go to college. She is about half way through getting her degree and gets excellent grades. For her, I believe her drive and self-discipline in certain aspects of her life serve as an emotional cover, as does alcohol to a certain extent.

Her husband is four years older than her. 24 to 28 isn’t much of an age difference, but consider they first started dating when she was just 16 and got married a month after she graduated high school. And where Chelsea puts off an air of confidence (and it is just an air), he puts on no airs. He is fairly shy, reserved, and his lack of self confidence is apparent.

She can easily pass for 18, with some effort, even younger.   5’9 115, very small frame. Light freckles, high cheekbones..baby-face.   Visually she is in stark contrast to her burly husband who is probably about 220-225, 6 feet tall. And he looks older than he is. I think if they looked more alike it wouldn’t be uncommon for people to mistake her for his daughter.  

AND YOUR POINT, JEN?
Chelsea moved in with us two days ago.

Jaime is a plumber with his own business. Covid put a dent in his business. On one hand, more people home trying to cook meant more clogged drains and other plumbing issues. On the other hand, people were more apt to DYI and not have someone come into their home. He takes the appropriate Covid-precautions when going into people’s homes.

In addition to individual clients, he occasionally picks up work supporting construction – hotels, offices, stuff like that. He had been trying hard to pick up as many of these jobs as possible, wherever he can find them.

He got a job opportunity that’s about a 7-hour drive (still in Texas – Texas is a big state!). Initially it was only going to be a few weeks but he got lucky and the contractor had another job in that same city that needed plumbers. He decided to stay there for the duration of both projects and there is a possibility for him to pick up a third project. For now, the plan is he will be gone for about two months.

I’ve shared how Mike plays a part in Jaime and Chelsea’s dynamic. (Post 337. Outsourcing Domestic Discipline). Mike is like their DD coach, a kinky-sensei, a mentor, as they explore a more D/s dynamic in their marriage. Mike knows the two of them much better than I do. Same with Kayla since she is friends with Chelsea. I’d even call them best friends.

Apparently it was Jaime’s idea and he asked Mike if Chelsea could stay with us. Mike agreed if Chelsea seriously self-quarantined for two weeks after Jaime left. She did, and on Wednesday (day before yesterday), she moved in.

“Moved in” is an overstatement. But “visit” doesn’t quite cut it either. Jaime isn’t expected back until October 16.

DID I AGREE?
Chelsea moved in with us two days ago. Mike didn’t ask me. He told me, but he did ask me what I thought.

It’s easy to misread “what do you think” as just lip service since he already made the decision. It’s not like that. When Mike asks me what I think, he expects a full a complete answer. I am not to hide my feelings, ever. The only condition is I express them respectfully.

It would be very easy to paint a narrative that Mike didn’t respect me enough to talk about it before he made a decision. Our relationship is not like that. I don’t expect that from him. Quite the opposite. I respect that he can make any decision with or without my input. While I like it when he asks me, I value and trust his intentions and abilities to determine what is good for our household.

My default narrative is to think of all the positives he sees in a decision he has made. Why would anyone think otherwise about their spouse? Well, we know why (I’ve been there), but that’s the pre-DD Jenny.

That doesn’t mean I don’t get to ask him questions or express my concerns. I can, and I do, but I don’t do it in a defensive way. My goal is not to “destroy” his reasoning and impose my will. My goal is to synchronize our collective reasoning and understanding. Ultimately, if that is not successful, then I fall back on my choice to submit and “let go, let Mike.”

A pre-DD thing for me to do would be to defensive, even angry, and “demand” an explanation. Instead, I knew Mike believed there was something positive to come from this. DD has taught me to listen and accept my husband’s loving intentions. I’ve learned to “think like Mike” before making my own assumptions about things.

And how does Mike think? He’s a “risk first” thinker, as opposed to a “benefits first” thinker. Me? I often think of the benefits and that’s good enough for me – full speed ahead! Mike? He assesses risk, then the benefits. I guess that’s why he’s good at business. He always says every business at it’s core is simply about assessing risk.

With my “Mike thinking cap” on, I was eager to learn what he identified as the risks, how he felt they could be mitigated, and why he felt the benefits outweigh those risks. No defensiveness. No animosity. No ill feelings. I just wanted to understand what he considered in making his decision and I knew from experience that he would be willing to share as well as be willing to address my concerns.

To be honest, my initial thought made me think of what Mike often tells me when we discuss what details I can share online. “What’s the upside?” So, Mike, what’s the upside?

And that will have to be for my next post!

NEXT: 358. CHELSEA MOVES IN