Tag Archives: submissive

269. Turn up the cuck – Whoring me out?

269

If you read my blog, you know that I have a sort of “boyfriend” in Matt.  He is Mike’s friend and former co-worker that we have known for years.  With Mike’s encouragement, Matt and I go out on dates and have sex – sometimes with Mike watching and sometimes with Mike participating.   Most recently, Mike was out of town on business and Matt stayed with me at my house for two nights.   And now Mike has “turned up the cuck.” 

EVOLVING RELATIONSHIP
My relationship with Matt has always been based on sex, but originally it was probably 50/50 on sex and friendship.  I enjoyed his company and friendship and yes, enjoyed a lot of sex.  But the relationship has evolved to be more and more sexual, maybe 90%.  Yes, I still like him as a person and enjoy his company, but we don’t do as many “friendship” things date-wise.  When we get together, it is mostly just for sex.   And that’s how Mike like’s it.  In fact, his latest edict puts us at more at 95% or even 100% sexual relationship. 

MIKE’S EDICT
Mike told me I am to be “on call” for Matt, anytime, unless Mike tells me to say no.  Simply put, I am Matt’s sex toy, ready on demand to pleasure him.  The result is that Matt has come by my house on his lunch hour for an “afternoon delight” and has twice called me to come over to his place for a quick “suck and fuck.” 

A few days ago Mike told me Matt was getting off work a little early and I was to be at his place waiting for him, naked, blindfolded, and kneeling (I have a key to his place).  Further, I was not to say a word.  I could only speak if Matt asked me something.  I complied.

Matt never said a word to me except, “You can go now.”   He entered his apartment and soon after I felt his penis on my lips.  After sucking his cock for a bit, he stood me up and fucked me against the wall, putting me back on my knees in time to cum in my mouth.  He then said I could leave and he left the room.  I never laid eyes on him.  I got dressed, and left.  

It was thrilling and exciting for me.  My thrill is in knowing Mike arranged and wanted this.  And it felt very dirty, in a naughty, taboo, exciting sort of way.   I do enjoy sex with Mike – it feels great!  But my greatest pleasure is not the orgasms, it is knowing that it gets Mike off.   And doing what I just did, knowing it was Mike’s wish — yummy!

HOW I FEEL
I feel a bit used, like a sex object, like I am not valued beyond my mouth and pussy.  But – mixed in with that, I feel excited, energized, and yes, fulfilled.   Such is the dichotomy of submission!  I am doing what Mike wants and serving to fulfill his fantasies.  It is a weird mix of emotions. 

Let’s not sugar coat it and call this what it is.  Yes, my submission has come to a point where my husband can whore me out if he wishes.  I am 100% okay with that.   I love fulfilling Mike’s fantasies of seeing me as sexual being, fully giving myself sexually to anything he requests.  I granted this power to Mike starting in October 2015, when we added the “Sexual Obedience” clause to our Agreement (a clause that remains a part of our current Agreement).  It reads in part:

  • Mike may demand any sexual or physical act to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Jennifer may use the next Maintenance Session to air her concerns and request any modifications or cessation of a particular act that Mike demanded.  Mike shall comply with Jennifer’s request.  

Mike frequently asks me how I am feeling about this.  You probably think I shared all sorts of concerns with him.  I only shared one.  I am concerned that being at Matt’s call could impact my performance of my Duties and Obligations as it interferes with my schedule. 

Mike told me that I should consider Matt as simply another “chore” and it was a chore to be prioritized over others.  Mike also reminded me it wasn’t “my” schedule, as my time belongs to him (boy o’ boy he really tickled my submissive spot when he said that!).

Mike was admittedly surprised that my only concern was the demands on my (his) time. I reassured him that was the case and that I would let him know if my feelings change.  I shared with him that I want him to feel free in knowing it doesn’t have to be enough for him to simply know he has this power over me is  – he can feel free to actually exercise this power.   

Even though we have been living DD for over three years, and have really adopted a more D/s dynamic over the last two, sometimes I think it helps to reassure Mike that indeed I not just accept him Dominance, but I want it and encourage it.  And as far as the Sexual Obedience clause goes, I wanted to use this opportunity to reassure him he can explore whatever desires or fantasies he has.   

To which Mike replied, “Thank you for stating that.  Hearing you say that always helps me maintain confidence in my decisions.  And, it makes me that much more excited about our upcoming Immersion.”     

Oh my!   What does he have planned?

263. Returning to Dominant Headspace: He wants me to do what?

263

As per my prior post Mike told me that he would like to be more Dominant.  Ah!  A time to rejoice!  I have thrived in being submissive and have typically had to “pull the Dominant out of him.”  So, Yes!  He is finally expressing he wants more!  Yes, yes, yes! 

NO!
As I stated before.  I feel we have achieved the right balance of D/s that works for me.  From my perspective, there is equity in our D/s.   But, equity is about the relationship as a whole, not just any one person. Mike feels he needs more of something (my submission), and I don’t – there is a lack of equity. 

THE DOM CARD
Mike just says it, therefore it must be.  I am his submissive, yes?  True, if Mike asks me to do “x,” I almost certainly will comply.  BUT — our Agreement doesn’t actually say that he can just decree things and make them so.   It kind of goes like this . . .

IF IT PLEASES THE COURT 
JEN:  Your honor, in our Agreement, Mike commits to always treating me in the manner that I want to be treated.  While I commit to surrendering myself to him, no where does our agreement define that surrender to mean doing everything he demands.  Further, while I have to be, and want to be, Obedient, we do not define Obedience as doing anything he asks, except specifically in the Sexual Obedience clause.  In-so-much Mike is not asking for more Sexual Obedience, I therefore am not obligated to simply agree with greater levels of submission.   

MIKE:  Your honor,  our Agreement states that “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline,”  Any new rules, act of service, or restriction I place on Jennifer is all part of her code of conduct, call it, a “code of behavior.”  Codes of behavior are collectively referred to as Discipline.  She must accept any and all codes of behavior, aka Discipline, that I prescribe.  Further, the Agreement calls for her to do so “promptly and without hesitation.”  Frankly, your honor, I don’t know why we are even here.  I rest my case.     

JEN:  I object, your honor.  That statement is incomplete.  The full statement is “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline as a consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience.   In our agreement, Discipline is not a code of behavior.  Discipline is clearly defined as a “consequence.”  And further, not following a rule, not performing an act of service, or not adhering to a restriction that is explicitly spelled out in the Agreement are all precursors to a consequence.  In other words, a precursor to Discipline.  The rule, the act of service, or the restriction does NOT, by itself, constitute “discipline” in our Agreement.  It is clear our Agreement defines Discipline as a consequence, nothing more.

And yes, Promptness is a part of our Obedience clause.  In it, I agree that I must do what Mike tells me without hesitation.  However, your honor, this wording clearly is in reference to a specific instruction that requires immediate action.  As such, this clause can not apply to any requirement or new set of expectations for which I am unable to immediately act on.   If Mike tells me to do “x,” I must promptly do it.  If Mike tells me from now on I must do “x” every day, the fact that I can not promptly fulfill that requirement means promptness is not possible.  If it is not possible, then the Promptness clause can not be applied.   

Therefore, any new rules, acts of service, or restrictions he wishes to place on me do not constitute Discipline under our agreement, and are not subject to the Promptness clause. Nowhere am I required to do things that are not part of my Duties and Obligations.  The only way to add new rules, acts of service, or restrictions is to modify said Duties and Obligations, which can be done either at Renegotiation, or as agreed upon by BOTH parties.  Our Agreement is clear.  Mike can not unilaterally add a new rule, act of service, or restriction without my consent.        

THE JUDGES:   Unlike last time, this time we had to call upon ASSO, which we all know as the Domestic Discipline Assembly on Obedience, committee chair Anita Hardick presiding. (Yes, women are represented in the DDA).

The committee voted 5-2 in my favor.  However, it was in their opinion that my snarkiness and attempts to be cute in my calling upon ASSO to arbitrate displayed an overall tone that was contrary to Section 1.1 of my Obedience clause.  Since that clause leaves it up to Mike to interpret my actions as being “rude, dismissive, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to him,” ASSO did not mandate discipline, but they suggested that Mike strongly consider that clause and act accordingly.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
That is what really happened.  Really!  What, you’ve never called on ASSO from the DDA?  Not buying it?  Okay, well, then maybe it went more like this. . .  

MY OPENING REMARK
Mike asked me for my ideas on being more submissive to him.  Speaking first is always a risk, as it often comes with a lot of assumptions about intent.  I’ve learned to always assume a loving intention, especially from Mike.  So clearly, I said something like, “Sir, I have ideas as there are always deeper ways to go with our D/s, but I an concerned my ideas may miss the mark unless I understand more about what you are looking for. I am happy to share them, but my answer may be more valuable to you if  I knew more about what you are feeling and looking for.  

Yes, that would have been a good opening remark.  But. . . instead, I was under the assumption he wanted to add a bunch of new requirements.  In my remarks I was quick to point out that eight months ago we took a lot of time to focus on defining our needs and desires and codifying them in our new Contract.   And we added quite a bit of new requirements for me, which I listed (Here’s some of them, oh, and more are listed on this post).   Those things represent a lot more Dominance on his part.  And now he wants more?

HYPOCRITE? 
I wrote in my last post that a negotiation isn’t about “chips.”  It isn’t, “Look what I did here, and here, and here.  And I’ll concede this chip if you concede that one.”  No, that type of negotiation is about Equality or Sameness — a successful relationship isn’t about those things.  It is about Equity and Fairness.

Well, poop!  I am human.  There is a tendancy to look for any perceived inequalities and then try to use them as a defense for our position (…”but Hillary’s emails!” I digress).   In addition, I was feeling vulnerable.  I took his request as a threat to what we had worked so hard to achieve.  I was comfortable with the status-quo, so suggesting we change it further triggered my defensive response.

BUT – I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT (more precisely, credit to what 3+ years of DD has taught me).  As soon as the words left my mouth I caught myself.  I jokingly told Mike, “Strike that, I want it redacted from the record and I want the jury to be instructed not to consider what I just said.”  Hee-hee.  Humor always helps when you stick your foot in your mouth.  

I said to Mike that none of those things I just stated had any bearing on what he was asking me.  I apologized for bringing them up.  He has always been willing to hear me when I expressed a need for more submission and I want to hear him at this moment.  It isn’t about what we already do for each other, it is about what he is telling me he needs right now.  “And it is difficult for me to recommend more rules or acts of submission when I am unclear on what you are needing.  Can we talk about that first?”   

So we did.

HE WANTS ME TO DO WHAT?
This will probably be disappointing to you.  After all this build up and delay in sharing – what is it that he wanted?    Well, my imagination was running wild when he asked me to suggest some additional submissive acts I could perform.   But when we finally got to talk about it, it was a bit anti-climatic.

His answer to my question regarding what he felt he was needing? … “Um, er., well, I am not really sure.”   Yep.  I thought he would have a list of things he wanted.  He did not.

It is a bit unfair that Mike couldn’t fully articulate what he wanted.  Remember, achieving equity requires knowing what you want.   But sometimes we just need to get it out there to our partners, even if we aren’t quite sure what that “it” is.   At least it got some dialogue rolling.   It took a little time, but we did get to the bottom of it.

RETURNING TO DOMINANT HEADSPACE
Simply put, much like Post 204. Returning to Submissive Head Space, Mike was needing his own “Returning to Dominant Headspace.”    Here is what concluded: 

  • Mike’s statement that he “wanted more Dominance” was the best way he was able to articulate what he was feeling at the time.  After an honest and open discussion he realized that wanting more Dominance didn’t actually mean more Duties and Obligations (at least not for now).  It was more about being consistent in enforcing what we already agreed upon. 
  • Both of us pointed to situations where he was giving more warnings and less spankings.  I hadn’t really noticed, but the more we talked, the more both of us came up with examples.  We also realized there were things I was failing to do that he wasn’t always aware of – I just forgot to tell him because we haven’t been enforcing it, thus I thought it wasn’t important anymore.
  • We decided to pull out the Agreement and go through it, and identify areas where we lost focus.  When we were done, we had a good list of “new” Duties and Obligations that he felt would satisfy what he was looking for.  In addition, they satisfied my submissive needs as well.  Very equitable!  And these things weren’t really new. 

This led us to reflect on what caused us to drift and why did he notice the drift before I did?  This reflection wasn’t to assess blame, but to explore our feelings as it is curious why he sensed a need to increase his Dominance (back to where it once was) and I didn’t sense it had decreased?   Could it be that I actually would like a little less submission?  The short answer is no – but as I rarely give short answers, I will explore that on another post. 

By the end of the Maintenance Session, we agreed we will be paying closer attention to:

  • Respectful Tone and Acknowledgement  
    As referenced by the ASSO ruling, we both agreed my tendency for sarcasm and humor, which he loves and appreciates, was, at times, getting too close or actually crossing the line of respect. 
  • Sexual Obedience
    Mike shared that there is more he wants from me regarding the sex I have with Matt.  I am to be let Matt know that I am willing to do anything Matt asks, with Mike’s permission.  Further,I am to be “on call” for sex with Matt anytime Matt wants it.  Matt just needs to ask Mike and if Mike agrees, they will arrange him to come over or for me to go to his place. 
  • Household Duties
    Mike will be more strict in my compliance – rare warnings, more discipline – as we both cited several examples where he had been more lax over the last several months. 
  • Availability and Awareness / Permission
    I am supposed to let Mike know anytime I leave the house for something that I did not already put on the schedule and get his permission/approval for my schedule.  This is an area I have been lax in reporting to him and he lax in disciplining me.  
  • Leaving Home Reminders
    This is something we did for awhile but stopped doing for no particular reason – just fell out of the habit.  I get a spanking anytime I leave the house, with or without Mike.  And if practical and he is not home, Kayla will spank me, and if she is unable, I will self-spank.  
  • Weigh-in
    This was a simple one but a good example of how we let things slip.  My Maintenance Sessions always included a weigh-in and somewhere down the line we stopped this.  
  • Gracefullness
    I agreed to Walk Gracefully, Sit Down Smoothly, and assume a Pretty Sitting Posture, so much so that I took etiquette classes and even had a private tutor to help me with this.  While I admit I am more graceful in how I carry myself (yes, people have noticed), neither Mike or I have been paying attention lately.
  • Attire
    Mike has always been able to demand that I do not wear a bra or panties when I go out.  Something he rarely asks of me.  He has now decided to make this the default – no bra or panties – unless I have received permission to the contrary.  This is consistent with how he has dealt with Kayla’s dress code.  He did concede that he recognizes the challenges of my being bra-less — significantly larger and saggy boobs vs Kayla — but none-the-less, he wants me to ask for permission before donning a bra.  I anticipate plenty of requests on the bra.  The panties? Well, as long as it isn’t a windy day, hee hee. (remember, I wear skirts and dresses, no pants).
  • Nudity be damned
    Mike said he consciously backed off on either administering a spanking or administering it less strictly so as not to leave marks, opting for more non-physical forms of punishment (corner time, lines, plug, etc)  He also avoided breast punishments for the same reason.  No more!  Both Kayla and I will have to just cover up if there are marks.   J and others understand sometimes you might just feel like wearing something, so such an excuse won’t be questioned.
  • Review his Dominance as part of Maintenance
    Maintenance has been focused on my submission — but my submission is only part of it.  What of his Dominance?  Each session will now include a question from me, “Sir, do you desire any additional ways that I can be more submissive to you?”   He will then ask me if I have any examples of things that happened throughout the week where he could have been more dominant (note:  this is a very different question than if he were to ask me if I could have been more submissive).   After I respond, he will comment on my response and add to it based on his perspective.
    This dialogue should further keep us calibrated, both with each other, and our respective headspace.

In recognition of all that we uncovered, Mike felt it was appropriate to take the DDA’s recommendation.  My sentence?  My Maintenance spanking after our talk was quite significant – let’s just say, I wore clothes the next two days!!

NEXT: Post 264. Won’t you be my (nude) neighbor?

 

262. Give up, give in, or give it all you’ve got!

261

DD ANTIPATICO?
I mentioned I have achieved the right balance of D/s as far as feeding and fulfilling my submissive mindset.  But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?

While I have no doubts that we are one, we are dealing with something we have never dealt with before — we are not quite on the same page in our D/s journey.  I feel I have arrived at the sub I want to be and with the level of discipline that helps me be the person I want to be.  I have never taken it for granted how fortunate I have been to have Mike be on the same page as me.  If I needed a little more, he delivered it.  If I needed less, he backed off.

JEN IS FEELING FUNKY
Feeling like I have achieved my desired level of submission means I am not as emotionally invested in my day-to-day, moment-to-moment thoughts and actions.  I love being submissive and couldn’t imagine backing off of a single rule – but, yes, my enthusiasm has been a bit, “meh!”

It could be my pre-menapausal-hormone-funkiness toying me.  Whatever it is, I feel more like I am physically going through the motions of my duties, obligations and punishments without the same level of emotional connection I once had.

It just came to me — I compare it to a feeling of being on “auto pilot.”  I just don’t have to give my submission any thought.  My submission is part of me.  That’s a good thing – no, that’s a great thing!  I love that!  I’ve been working hard towards that for several years!  But. . . 

Because being submissive is now my default state of mind – a reflex – I am missing the emotional journey of it all.  There are certain emotions I no longer need to visit. The emotions to motivate myself to behave a certain way — no longer needed.  The emotions needed to self-reflect and ponder what I was doing and where things were going – no longer needed.  The many ways I surprised myself or that Mike surprised me as we unwrapped another dimension to our relationship – no longer a surprise.

It reminds me a bit of my feelings as a child with the build up and excitement around the holidays.  Christmas comes, and maybe you get everything you wanted, and when it is over, you are happy, very happy.  But, you miss the build up and excitement of it all.
That’s sorta of where I am at.  Very happy, but without that wonderment, amazement, or doubt that I once had.  Is that a bad thing?  My answer – no.  But. . .

MIKE IS FEELING SPUNKY
Mike told me he wants to explore more Dominance over me.  This is a first for us as until now, it was typically me asking for more Dominance.  Couple this with where I am at with our D/s, and, well – we aren’t eye to eye on what we are doing!  Yikes!

It really goes to how lucky we have been in that this is the first time we are dealing with this in the three plus years since adopting Domestic Discipline.  I know it could be worse – we could be going in opposite directions.  But we aren’t opposite – it is sort like I am wanting to stand still and he is wanting to keep moving.

Mike has had an outlet for his desire to be more Dominant.  Kayla has always enjoyed a deeper submission/more Dominance from Mike.  Mike said that he enjoys where things are with he and Kayla, and has discovered he would like to be a bit more dominant when it comes to he and I.    

He admitted that this feeling is part of what drove him to have me pursue Matt.  While cuck may sound like a submissive act on his part, he feels it is a dominant act to require me to have sex with Matt.  This is also why he loves to give me orders on what to do when he is watching Matt and I.

As we were sitting watching tv, Mike looks over to me and says, “I have been feeling this need to dominate you more.  I am not sure in what ways, but, just this nagging feeling of needing more submission from you.  I want you to come up with some ideas and we can talk more about it at our next Maintenance.”

“Yes, Sir, may I ask a few clarifying questions?”   

“Yes, you may.”

“Are you feeling a need to ramp up any particular area,  such as more rules, or more restrictions, or more acts of service?”

 “To be honest, I don’t have anything specific.  Ideas on any aspect of your submission will suffice. Let’s explore your ideas at Maintenance.”

This was his second time of saying “let’s discuss more at Maintenance.” Thus, I felt I shouldn’t question this further and simply wait until then to discuss.

MY REACTION IN MY HEAD
My initial reaction that I thought to myself was, “Don’t mess with this great thing we have achieved.  We are finally at this point of balance, “of equity,” where I am fulfilled and things are working great.”

Of course, it didn’t take me long to realize that equity isn’t just about my fulfillment.  It does start there, but it doesn’t end there.   

WHAT DOES EQUITY SAY ABOUT THIS?
I have to give my relationship with Mike everything it needs to be successful.  Not because Mike demands it, but because I demand it of myself (and we expect it from each other).  So what does my relationship need here?  Well, it needs MY needs to be met, and it needs Mike’s needs to be met.  And based on what he said, those needs are a bit unbalanced right now as far as our D/s goes. 

Three ways to reconcile this:

  1. GIVE UP
    I don’t ever give this option any thought, but keep in mind it is always an option one has.  If something is important enough and you are so dissatisfied by it, then “going nuclear” and giving up the relationship is always an option.
    .
  2. GIVE IN
    Part of me is leaning towards this.  After all, the irony wasn’t lost on me that we have had this exact conversation many, many times before — except it was reversed, with me seeking more submission.  Mike was always willing to listen to me and incorporate my wishes with whatever he was willing to do.  I should grant him the same consideration he has always granted me.  That is equitable, right?    There is nothing wrong with “giving in” as long as it is not something you feel strongly about.  When Mike “gave in” to my requests for him to discipline me, he wasn’t abandoning a deeply held conviction to not doing so.  While it wasn’t in his nature, he was willing to explore with me and give it a try.I feel I have worked very hard to find the level of submission that works for me. I like where our D/s and DD is at.  As a result, I feel deeply invested in the efforts to get where we are today and I am not inclined to just give in.

    We also just went through our Contract renegotiation exercise eight months ago after a lot of time and energy went in to expressing and codifying what we wanted.  I am already a lot more submissive now than before that Contract.  I love that, but am not looking for more.

    In this case, my giving in is not an option.  Mike could also give in, but honestly, I don’t want him to just for my sake.  He expressed this need within him, and I want to help him fulfill it.  We just have to figure it out.  I want him to be vulnerable enough to express things I may not agree with, so the worst thing for me to do is trying to shut him down on this issue.  I appreciate he is telling me what he needs, and I want to help him fulfill his needs. So, him giving in also not an option.
     

  3.  GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT  (i.e., negotiate)
    When #1 and #’2 aren’t options, then you simply need to seek alternative solutions.  That is what a negotiation is. And, to truly give it all you got, you have to bring all of yourself to the negotiation.  That means, you guess it, more vulnerability.
    .
    We both have been extremely honest about our needs and desires.  Not just sharing what they are, but what they mean to us and how they make us feel.  At the same time we appreciate what the other person’s needs and desires mean to them and how they make them feel.
    .
    You must have vulnerability, honesty, and love as a foundation for a “negotiation.”  With that foundation, negotiation doesn’t mean we hoard our chips and say,  “I’ll give you this one if you give me that one.”  That’s “equality” creeping in.  You aren’t looking to achieve an equal solution, you are looking to achieve an equitable one.  No keeping score!The result is you freely give the relationship the “chips” you are able to give without compromising your overall needs or with expectations of getting a chip in return.

THE RESULT
We worked it out.    Yeah, in prior posts when I first started alluding to this issue, it hadn’t yet been resolved.  But now it has.   

SO JEN, WTF IS IT THAT HE WANTS?
Oh, yeah.  You probably wonder what are these “more dominant” things we wants?    I think that makes for another good cliffhanger!  Ha!   Seriously, I purposely didn’t want to get into what the specific things were.

I didn’t want you to put your own value on whether the specific things I suggested or that he had in mind were reasonable or not.  It doesn’t matter what value you put on them – and frankly, it doesn’t matter what value I put on them.  What matters is the fact that Mike valued them.  Whatever it is he needs as a Dom is no more or less important than what I need as a sub.

WHAT ARE YOU IMAGINING?
But — I will share what those things are in another post.  In the meantime, it gives me a bit of thrill to think of all the crazy, sick, and twisted things you are likely imagining.  Imagine away!  Feel free to comment and share what you are imagining, if you dare!

Next: 263.  Returning to Dominant Headspace: He wants me to do what?

259. More Mike

259

I recently gave updates on Matt and Kayla, so clearly I need to give an update on the most important person in my life – my husband Mike!  And in doing so, it is also an update on me and our relationship as a whole. 

If you have followed my journey since the beginning, you know that Mike has been amazing.  I got us into Domestic Discipline and while he had some reservations, he was willing to give it a try.  And try he did.

I am fortunate that he and I have stayed pretty much on the same page throughout our journey.  While I think our open communication has a lot to do with it, we have also just been lucky.

MIKE
Mike is happier than he has ever been in our marriage.  There is evidence beyond his demeanor, such as, he says it!  And it isn’t happiness of power, but happiness in the results of his influence – over me, over the family.   His satisfaction stems from seeing his significant investment of his emotional “equity” into our relationship pay off.    

I made a lot of the day-to-day decisions pre-DD, or at least heavily influenced Mike such that I usually got my way.   You may think it is easy to take the reigns of a household and start making decisions, but it isn’t.  In part it just wasn’t his nature — a nature that I influenced for 20+ years.  He also wasn’t confident in how I would react to his new role.  In other words, he was a bit hesitant and afraid of “being an asshole.”  I have never once thought such a thing.

I think Post 160 and Post 205 best sum of his evolution and how great he is.  Mike is timely and effective in making decisions, big and small.  He has sky-high confidence in his role as disciplinarian.  He made the transition of simply executing on my wishes for him to be dominant, to actually becoming a Dom.  In fact, he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be (more on that later).

Mike remains a wonderful father and an amazing husband.  He is a masterful Dom, both for me and Kayla – which is not easy as our needs as submissive are different.   And beyond just a Dom, he is a great husband.  He is loyal, trustworthy, sincere, a great listener, affectionate, empathetic, and the list goes on.  He is all those things to me, to our kids, and to Kayla.  It gives me great joy to share those things in him, with Kayla.

I mentioned before that Mike is an intensely private person.  He feels a lot of this stems from the childhood trauma from a robbery.   I shared before that his house was broken into and robbed when he was a child, and it was an extremely thorough robbery and what wasn’t taken was smashed and vandalized.

While he has come a long way in opening up to strangers, he still has a heightened distrust of people until he really gets to know them better.  — which is sometimes hard when he starts at a point of distrust.   Luckily he has a “tell all” wife who welcomes in anyone and everyone to help balance him out — although instead of “balance him out”, he tends to call it, “driving him crazy.”  lol.

JEN
Most of the journey was me pushing Mike to help me find my limits.  I found those limits.  I am where I want to be as his submissive and with DD.  This is one of the reasons my posts have lacked the yearning and self-revelations of my earlier posts.  I don’t yearn much and haven’t discovered some new revelation about myself.   

When I think back to what got me interested in DD, I never imagined how effective it would be in helping me be the person I wanted to be, nor what it would mean to my family for me to be that person.  My life feels tremendously purposeful and amazingly fulfilled.  So good that I feel a bit guilty in my pleasure when we are surrounded with so much suffering and injustice. 

My submissive mindset is sufficiently nourished, and not wanting.  But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?  Do we still have DD sympatico?  I mentioned he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be.   More on that in another post….hee hee.  I love a cliffhanger.

And before I get into resolving that cliffhanger, how can I write about my relationship with Mike without stating how I reconcile the little minor fact that, well, you know, it kind of includes a third person…someone who has evolved into being almost like a co-wife to Mike, and a partner to me.  Kayla! 

Yes, I gave you an update about her…but what can I say specifically about our triad in the context of how it impacts my relationship with Mike?   I don’t think I adequately addressed that in my updates.  Since fully coming out to everyone about Kayla, I have had to answer some questions from family.  So what of those questions and of my answers? 

 Sounds like a great next post, so that cliffhanger will have to wait as I next address this issue of how I explain my “open” marriage to those who ask.   

 

 

251. . . . and sometimes reminders do have to be spankings

251

Routines are comfortable, that’s why we like them.  But there are benefits to mixing things up.  “Studies show” when you change things up, you coax your brain into thinking more creatively.  This injection of creativity can improve your mood and outlook.  Yeah, sometimes change just for the sake of change, is good. 

I put “studies show” in quotes because, I don’t know if there are any studies backing up what I just wrote.  I thought it added credibility to a plausible statement.  Hey, at least I admit it. 

Although, I do recall reading somewhere that forcing your brain to make new connections does have positive effects on brain function and well-being.  So there, it must be true if I recall reading it somewhere!  “Studies show…” and “I read…” are always followed by highly credible and accurate statements!  I know it because I once read a study about it.  

NEW THURSDAY MAINTENANCE
I shared in the post before last, that Mike changed up my Thursday Maintenance.  It is now a “family” meeting of sorts with Kayla and I.   A time to talk about our collective relationship(s), connect and bond in some dedicated triad discussion time.

If you read that post, you know that it was more than just discussion.  It was very erotic in a way that we have never experienced before – Kayla and I simply following every sexual request made by Mike.  I mean, we’ve followed his commands before, “do this…” “do that…”  but not an entire series of sexual acts based only on his commands and not just out of the blue.  It was totally unexpected, but totally fun!  I thought perhaps this would be how each of our Thursday sessions would begin. 

I thought wrong.

OUR SECOND NEW THURSDAY MAINTENANCE SESSION
Kayla and I undressed and Mike remained clothed, as is customary for a Maintenance.  Like last time, Mike had two chairs arranged facing the chair he would sit in.  The three of us sat down.  With my mind on thoughts of  last Thursday, I was looking forward to what Mike would say next. 

“Kayla, stand up, turn around, bend over and put your palms on the chair. Butt out.”
Mike takes off his belt and hands it to me.  “Now Jen, spank her.” 

“Give her 10 and they need to be hard enough so that anyone looking at her butt could tell that she was just spanked with a belt.  If they aren’t hard enough, you’ll repeat the 10 and keep doing so until I am satisfied with the result.  And, if it takes any extra spankings beyond the first 10 for you to achieve my desired result, I will be adding it to the spankings I will administer to both of you.  Understood?”

“Yes, Sir.”  In-so-much that I didn’t exactly follow the math but I understood the point that it meant more spankings for both of us if he wasn’t satisfied with the results.

I started spanking her and at about five, Mike said, “You are going to have to hit harder than that if it is going to leave any marks by ten.”   I increased my intensity.  It has been a long time since I have spanked Kayla.  Maybe eight or nine months?    

“When I was done he got up and closely inspected Kayla’s butt.  “Not good enough, I don’t see anything.  10 more, now.”

“Yes, Sir.”  I spanked her much harder this time, enough to elicit an occasional “Eee!” and “Ow!”  No need for Mike to inspect.  The red marks were clear.

“Jen, give the belt to Kayla and you take position and she will spank you.  Kayla, same thing.  I need to see clear evidence that she was spanked or you get more from me.

Kayla gave me ten.

Mike took a look and said, “Kayla, come on now, I could tell you weren’t putting enough into it and look, I don’t see any redness or mark.  Now give her 10 more and make it count.”

Kayla gave me ten and boy did they count.  Mike then took the belt and told me to stay in position as I had ten coming from him since I failed to spank Kayla hard enough the first time.  Instead of handing Kayla his belt, he went and got the tawse and handed it to Kayla.  

“Kayla, you will smack that cheek with the tawse and I will smack this one with the belt.  It will be ten, but ten on each cheek, and the cheek you are striking better be more red than the one I am doing or we will repeat this.  

I took my 20 — 10 on each cheek – and my butt was stinging.  In looking back, I credit my submissive mindset to the fact I no longer was trying to process why he was doing this.  I simply accepted it, just as I accepted the sex play last Thursday.  No need to question. Just acceptance. It felt good to just acquiesce and accept. 

Then it was my turn to spank Kayla with the tawse, and again, Mike used the belt and we alternated smacks on our assigned cheek.  Kayla’s face told me she was accepting the spankings much like I was.  No sign of puzzlement or distress.  Only signs of obedience and submission.  It felt good to see that in her.  

Once Kayla’s spanking was done, Mike told us both to sit. 

 As if nothing just happened, Mike calmly said, “So.  Let’s talk,” 

ACTUAL TALKING
We proceeded to discuss the weeks events, upcoming plans, how we were feeling about submission, our relationship, life in general.  How school and things were going for Kayla, what our collective thoughts were on Matt, nudism, you name it.   Very nice discussion, but not as nice as what led up to it!

Neither Kayla nor I asked what that was about.  We knew what it was about.  It was about his Dominance and our submission. 

Sometimes reminders DO have to be spankings!

REFLECTION
A part of me is curious about our last two Thursday sessions.  Not curious about why Mike conducted them the way that he did, but about what is in store for future sessions.  I also feel that my lack of curiosity regarding “why” is a great sign of where I am at submissive-wise.  I don’t need or desire explanation.  I only need and desire obedience and submission.  This feels so good!

Uh-oh!  Pre-DD Jenny just threw up a little in her mouth.  Well pre-DD Jenny, you only wish you were as fulfilled, happy, optimistic, excited, and energized about life as I am.

Next: 252.  Still there? The Naked Caravan

244. Part 2 – I got a boyfriend

I split this in two posts as there is a lot to explore on my attraction to Matt.

CAN I DATE MATT?
A great discussion ensued when I asked Mike if I could have a date night with Matt.  A very straightforward and calm discussion.  It was the only detailed discussion we have had on this topic thus far.  Not that we don’t talk about it, but thus far we haven’t had a need to go back to re validate feelings or concerns.  It’s early, so that will probably occur at some point.  But I recognize that it is atypical that we addressed our current feelings in a single discussion.  It illustrates where Mike and I are in our relationship.   

We didn’t leave anything unsaid but frankly didn’t have to say much.  We said what we were thinking and feeling so there is no need to keep rehashing it until/unless those thoughts and feelings change.  Mike knows he is not just my priority, but I am his.  He can say no, say yes, change his mind at any time, and I will accept it.

In reflection, the weirdest thing about my discussion with Mike is that is didn’t feel weird at all.  I wasn’t concerned about Mike feeling jealous and he wasn’t showing any signs of it either.  Just a normal conversation.  Weird indeed.

MIKE ALLOWS IT
Mike said I could have my date night with Matt – make that nights!   I have to text him to keep him informed of what we were doing – text him if we arrive or leave a restaurant, movie, etc.  And of course, let him know when we get to his place and are going to have sex.  I am to call him afterwards and tell him what sexual acts we did.

So is Mike a cuck?  I’ve used that term before but it was jokingly.  It really doesn’t apply to Mike.  Cuckolding is more about deriding the husband and there is no derision going on here.  The accurate term to describe Mike’s kink regarding this is to say he is into candaulism.  The accurate term to describe my kink regarding this is to say I am a into being a slut.  Ha!   I don’t mind owning that term.  

DATES WITH MATT
So Matt and I went out.  I was very clear with Matt regarding what our relationship could and couldn’t be.  I love Mike in insane and immeasurable ways and would never leave him in a million years.  But that doesn’t mean Matt and I can’t enjoy each other’s company whenever we could, including having sex.  Matt seems to understand it and we seem to be on the same page.

I had a second date night with Matt late last week, and Mike has said he would like it to be a weekly thing, with us alternating whose place we go to for sex.  Matt agreed – on our next date night in two days we will come back to my house after going out.

The dates were great.  I really enjoyed myself and Matt’s company.  I enjoyed texting Mike and I know he enjoyed receiving them.  And as he requested, I called him after Matt and I had sex and was explicit in sharing what we did.

MATTS THOUGHTS
Matt added something interesting.  He told Mike he only wants to have sex with me.  He doesn’t want to have sex with Kayla and he doesn’t want to join us at John and Donna’s.  Simply put, he will have sex with me either alone or with Mike watching/participating.  If Kayla is there, Mike can have sex with her but he won’t.  

His reasons were that he enjoys the sex with me the most and as twisted as it sounds, wants to be “exclusively” for me.  How sweet.  I know it took a lot for him to be willing to state this.  I am sure he had concern for how Mike or me might react.  It actually makes me feel better about his readiness to get into a relationship like this.  I would be concerned if he simply just shrugged and said, “okay” to everything.  He has needs to be confident to share his needs.

His statement prompted me to recheck in with Matt regarding my intentions to make sure we are on the same page.  Matt said he has no notions of “taking me away” and he wants to enjoy whatever time we get to have together.  He was uncomfortable having sex with Kayla due to her age as his daughter is actually older than Kayla.  Fair enough.   The most interesting comment was the he said he doesn’t like watching me have sex with John.  When he watched me having sex with John he said I don’t have the same “look” about me that I do when he or Mike has sex with me.

I wasn’t aware that I had that “look” when I had sex with him, but, he is right.  As I wrote previously, there is a growing element of intimacy…more emotion, when Matt and I have sex.  And of course, it is there with Mike.  But John?  It is more just physical.  Still feels good, but more mechanical, less uninhibited and emotional.  Again, how sweet of him to notice.

I can’t resist poking fun at the absurdity of my sex life.  How sweet it is for my boyfriend to notice that I am more emotionally invested when I am having sex with him or my husband when compared to John.  Isn’t that special?  Ha!

WEEKLY DATES
My dates with Matt won’t necessarily be weekly, but weekly-ish.  Between my yoga classes, volunteering on the weekend, and various other appointments, keeping up with my household duties and obligations are the priority over Matt.   There is also the date night Kayla and I each have on alternating weeks with Mike.  The weekend after next the four of us plan a double date (J stays the night at a cousin’s).  That was Mike’s idea! 

Just thinking about the double date gives me a tingle.  What’s the opposite of cuck?  Whatever it is, that’s what I feel when Mike watches me have sex with Matt.  Way more than the feeling of having sex with John in front of Mike.  Mike knows that Matt and I are attracted to each other.  This increases Mike’s pleasure in watching and increases my pleasure in being watched by him.  

And I get a tingle just thinking about a date night with Mike watching.  Holding Matt’s hand while Mike holds Kayla’s.  While it may look like we are separate in that moment, the truth is we are both getting off on watching the other enjoy themselves.   

SUBMISSIVENESS?
I remain submissive to Mike, even when Matt is around.  I am not submissive to Matt.  He is not “my Sir.”  I think that is also part of my attraction to Matt.  I get to have a relationship and temporarily leave behind some of my submissiveness. 

Don’t misinterpret that as me wanting to get away from being submissive to Mike.  I love being submissive to Mike.  It’s just a nice break.  And it comes at a time I am so entrenched in my submission that it hasn’t impacted my submissive mindset at home.  I am able to get right back into it.  I don’t know if a year ago I could have done that.

Of course, just being with Matt is a submissive act as it only happens because Mike allows it and wants it.  Although now I want it too!

Next: Synchronizing Expectations

237. Weird in a Good Way – Cuckolding

237

I have sex with my husband, Mike, of course. And with our best friends and neighbors, John and Donna. And of course there is Kayla.  And as of about three months ago, there is Matt.   (Post 197).

I haven’t posted anything more about Matt since then. I think each time I had something to share, I had something else I felt more important to share.   Then, it just seemed too far in the past to bother writing about it.  I find it easier to write about something that is fresh on my mind, where any new thoughts and feelings are… well, still new.   It’s more difficult to be inspired to share once I’ve reconciled, incorporated, or moved on from something.

SEX WITH MATT
After our first sexual encounter in early December, we had another later that month.  Mike and Kayla also visited Matt – Matt had sex with Kayla.  In those initial encounters, Mike just watched.  In late December, Matt came over to our house and this time Mike participated as he and Matt had sex with Kayla and I.   And we introduced Matt to John and Donna.

Matt hit it off with John and Donna.  He is a likable guy.  Unassuming, almost shy.  A bit reserved but if you ask him something directly, he can go on and on in answering you.  I learned you just have to ask him directly, otherwise, he isn’t going to just tell you something or randomly interject his thoughts.

He is attractive — not like model, amazingly, incredibly, so, but attractive. And his demeanor and how he carriers himself is sexy.  And as I learned and shared previously, he is well endowed…8 1/2 inches.  I get that this is not like porn-star huge, but, still a personal record for me.   And it has the perfect thickness and overall look to it.    A very beautiful cock.    ahem,  oh…back to my story.

Matt attended the Super Bowl Party that  I missed.   In February,  Mike and I visited him once during one of our date nights, as did Mike and Kayla on one of their date nights.   Schedules and various commitments have precluded visited to/from Matt over the last three weeks or so.

CUCK
Mike confessed having what clearly is a cuckold fantasy.  He has always enjoyed watching me be sexual, such as masturbating, or having sex, whether with John, Donna, or Kayla.   But he said he gets a unique thrill of watching me with John.  Mike says the feelings are 100% erotic when he watches me with another woman, but watching me with John and Matt includes a dimension he can’t fully describe.

While the sex with Matt has included group settings (including Mike and Kayla, or even including Mike, Kayla, John, and Donna), many times it has just been one-on-on; just Matt and me, or just Matt and Kayla — with Mike nearby or watching.  The settings with Matt have been more intimate than say the times I am having sex with John, when Donna is there and it part of a larger “play date” or interaction.   We’ve gone to Matt’s, exchange a quick hello, have sex, and then a goodbye.  It is really much more about the act of sex and not much more than that.

WHAT MOTIVATES MIKE
Mike’s reasons are that he loves watching us (Kayla and I) be sexually fulfilled.   It also satisfies the voyeur in him, and he knows it satisfies the exhibitionist in me.  It also gives him a strong element of control over me.  He admits that the control factor is a big part of his thrill.  Of course, with our D/s, I grant him lots of control over me, which includes sex, but granting control is one thing, actually taking it is another.

WHAT MOTIVATES ME
Our agreement specifically addresses that he may demand any sexual or physical act to be performed upon or by me whether it be by or upon him or any other person.  At the time I agreed to this, I specifically wanted Mike to be willing to explore whatever sexual fantasies he had regarding me.  And I still do.   It is part of my fulfillment of being submissive.

Mike often asks me about my feelings about something he commanded, whether sexual or otherwise.  I am not allowed to simply say, “If it makes you happy, then I am happy.”   He wants to know how I feel beyond the satisfaction I get from submission.

In the case of sex with Matt, yes, pleasing Mike pleases me. – that’s a given.  And, it also excites the exhibitionist in me, and I enjoy being the “COA” (Center of Attention) when it comes to sex.  Heck, it’s what prompted me to first masturbate in front of John and Donna way back when.   Yes, I love being a sexual COA, especially when that attention is from Mike.

You may think it requires a lot of self-confidence to be COA.   I don’t consider myself sexually self-confident.  I am not void of confidence, just not over flowing with it.  I do have insecurities – there are things about my body that I know aren’t all that attractive.  Forcing myself to be COA actually builds my self-confidence and is my way of telling my insecurities to “F” off as they aren’t going to limit me.   So yes, having sex with Matt, with Mike watching or knowing about it — definite turn on for me!

Lastly, we BOTH admit to simply enjoying the excitement, fulfillment, and stimulation from the sexual exploration of something that is considered taboo.   Just the thought of it is a bit stimulating, let alone actually doing it!

MOTIVATED BY SCIENCE?
Studies show that if a man believes his wife has been with other men (even if she really hasn’t), that belief can change the man’s physiology.  Their passion increases, their sperm count increases, they get erect sooner, ejaculate more, can get erect again more quickly after sex, and simply have an increased sex drive.

The biology around this is simply the human desire to procreate.  If a man senses “competition,” their body has evolved to react with increased sexual prowess and desire.  These changes occur even when the cuckolding is voluntary.

One other interesting bit of research is that cuckolding couples are excellent communicators.  The doctor running one study stated “they may be some of the most communicative people I‘ve ever seen.”   I believe that aptly describes Mike and I.

KAYLA
Kayla is completely comfortable having sex with Matt.  She described the first time as thrilling because she was actually a little scared.  Not scared of being harmed, but scared of the unknown and worried she would somehow let down Matt and thus letdown Mike.

I haven’t written a lot about Kayla lately.   She reads my blog.  It would be unfair for her to learn through the blog how I feel about something concerning her.  We talk quite a bit, thus I could share what we discuss; however, I also feel it is unfair if she has to read about something that she is still trying to work through herself.  It’s one thing for the two of us to have a discussion, and another for her to have it out there for all my readers to see.   Even though this blog has anonymity, there is still a feeling of having all your stuff “out there” for the world to see.  That can be frustrating or intimidating if you are still trying to work through the issues yourself.

BACK TO MATT
So Matt is now an official member of our Circle of Trust, which means… well, which means whatever Mike wants it to mean.  We may continue our visits to Matt’s place and he to ours, as well as invite him over when we have adult fun at John and Donna’s.   Mike told me he thought about inviting Matt to spend some nights at our house– those thoughts went so far as to consider having him stay over with me when Mike and Kayla were out of town.

Mike asked me for my thoughts on that and I was agreeable, so long as we made sure to keep his presence unknown to J.  The plan was that Matt would leave before J got up for school, or, would stay hidden away in our bedroom until J left for school.   In the end, Mike decided against having Matt over while he was out –at least this time.   I told Mike it would be weird to have Matt alone with me in our house, in our bed — but weird in a good way — which frankly, sums up our entire dynamic!   LOL!

Next: 238. Mystery Blogger Award

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