Tag Archives: submissive

370. ABSTINENCE AND ADDICTION?

A few post back I wrote of the orgasm denial event known as NOvember. Here’s how it went.

GROUND RULES

Since adding Orgasm Control (OC) to our dynamic a year ago, it’s been mostly a lot of edging, fairly frequent release, and very short periods of abstinence. HOWEVER, Mike wants NOvember to be different from our norm. He told me to expect it to be “mostly” about complete abstinence. He might allow some sex or edging at some point, but that I should expect little of that.

FIRST NIGHT – NOVEMBER 1

A day void of touching or overt sexual stimulation. I clarify “overt” because my default state is a 2 on a 1-10 scale of sexual stimulation and at this point I was easily a 3. The thought of month-long abstinence was enough to bump me up a notch. Hey, when you can’t have something, you just want it more! It was a day of subtle and not-so-subtle sexual aches and throbbing in my hinterlands. I did my best to ignore them. I was a good girl and did not engage those urges.

Bedtime. Keep in mind Kayla is not subject to NOvember (she will have her turn during JuNO). Mike and Kayla start having sex. Nothing noteworthy about that. I knew I could not join in without being asked and I had no expectation of Mike asking me to join. BUT, I figured I can do what I often do – watch! Nope!

Mike told me to roll over, my back to them, and go to sleep as he didn’t want me “turned on” by watching. Of course, I could still hear them (Kayla is, well, let’s say, “animated” when having sex). And I could still feel the bed moving, but, I complied and rolled over and closed my eyes.

Surprisingly, I fell asleep sometime after I heard Mike cum and tell Kayla to suck him “back into action” for another round. I slept through round two.

DAY 2 through 9 – WITHDRAWALS

Mike kept me completely chaste. It was harder than I expected. There were many times I didn’t think I was going to make it without touching myself. It was a near constant ache mixed with tingles in my nether-regions. My heart would race with thoughts of sexual stimulation. My mind went in and out of sexual thoughts MORE than usual. It was distracting and frustrating.

But I was a good girl. No touchy! Yea, me!

DAY 10 – DETOX

I was writing in my journal the evening of Day 10 and realized I hadn’t thought of sex a single time during the day. Like a switch, the sexual vibrations and desires were gone. It was odd. It had been 10 days since an orgasm and 10 days since any sex, manual or otherwise. I HAVEN’T BEEN DRY THAT LONG IN OVER 5 YEARS!

It felt. . . WEIRD. And the weirdest thing is, I would have expected that by just thinking about it, I would quickly revert back to the aches and tingles of those first 9 days – but I did not.

Prior to Day 10, when I wasn’t horny, I was still a little horny. Now? Nothing. Zip. Further, I felt content being abstinent and stimulus free. I began to revel in this new feeling. This feeling of being at ZERO on the sexual stimulus scale. What is this place? Where did it come from? I had forgotten it existed.

Hum? What’s going on down there? What’s going on in my head?

Nothin’ – nothing at all. That’s weird.

And in my submissive mind, a new realization emerged. I realized that a part of me was MISSING the frustration of those first 9 days. Yes, in hindsight, the sexual frustration was a type of submissive reward. But that was now gone. And no matter how much I missed the feelings of the ache between my legs and frustration over a lack of release, I could no longer connect to those feelings.

They were gone. I had detoxed from sex!

DAY 17- A REMINDER

17 days of not having sex or direct sexual stimulation in any way.

I mentioned back in May that we have an account on BDSMLR. Mike expects me and Kayla to post something on there fairly regularly, requiring us to peruse porn for something post worthy. I am doing that, all through NOvember, but even that isn’t moving the stimulation needle off of ZERO. That too was a weird experience. Looking at what is normally sexually stimulating images and feeling nothing!

But out of nowhere, on Day 17, I got this urge. I wasn’t even doing anything – honest! Just walking in my house and – wham – this tingle hits me between the legs. And more than just that, it is SHOUTING at me, demanding my attention. I sat down, pulled my knees together, clenched between legs, “Go away.” I worried that clenching was maybe a form of stimulation, so I quickly stopped, and squirmed to try to squash the feeling.

I confessed to Mike, and luckily he felt a clench was humorous and not a violation. Lucky me, I guess? Eventually this urge out of nowhere began to subside. There were a few aftershocks the rest of the day. Fortunately, I remained a good girl. No touchy!

DAY 18 – WHAT WAS THAT?

I don’t know what yesterday was about. Maybe that’s a classic withdrawal reaction? Sexual stimulation is full of feel good natural chemicals – rewards from your brain. Here’s an article.

I was coming off a nearly constant FIVE YEAR period of sexual stimulation. The decreased activity in my prefrontal cortex, orbitofrontal cortex, insula, cingulate gyrus, and cerebellum along with missing a steady release of oxytocin, meant my body was going through real withdrawals. Who knew? But lucky the return of my “withdrawals” only lasted a day. Day 18 was “urge” free.

DAY 19 through 30 – Submissive mind connects!

Mike followed through with this possibly being a month of no sex. No sexual acts were performed on or by me, by myself or with someone else.

And a new feeling emerged. Joy! I was enjoying being denied!

Even though we have been doing OC for a year, for the first time I felt I truly understood what I was giving Mike. I found joy in the fact he was holding my orgasms. I knew (or at least hoped) that at some point he will let me have one. But I found joy in that I didn’t just give him control of the “10” on the sexual stimulation scale, I gave him the entire scale, including 1 through 9.

My submissive mind connected to OC in a new way that was extremely fulfilling to me. I realized it wasn’t enough to grant Mike certain controls over me. Giving up power means far less than him actually USING those powers. It’s like if I had given him the power to discipline, yet he never disciplined. I gave him control of my sexual activity a long time ago, but he never took that control like he did in NOvember. Mmmmmm. I like that.

The submissive mind is weird!

DECEMBER 1 – LET IT RAIN?

When NOvember started, I had imagined December 1, as being an orgasm-fest. That I’d ask Mike if I could masturbate or have sex as soon as woke up and I’d spend most of the day fiddling myself. It turns out, I didn’t have any sex on December 1.

Somewhere in my mind I got it that the month was starting on Wednesday. So I had already told myself Wednesday was the day of orgasm. It was half-way through Tuesday that I realized it was now December. The odd thing was, I didn’t immediately equate it to being the end of NOvember. That’s how far I came in detoxing from sex. (hum…is that the right way to frame that sentence… came?) I digress.

But later that evening it DID dawn on me. And since Mike hadn’t said a word, I thought I’d show I “tough” I was and I wouldn’t say a word either and see what happened at bed time. Well, we had sex, but, Mike surprised me and said, “But I don’t want you to orgasm. You can do that first thing tomorrow.”

I’ve had “no orgasm” rules before. But not after a month of abstinence. I wasn’t sure I could do it. But actually, it was easier than ever. I think it was because I was starting at ZERO versus already being at a 2 or 3. I was also way more focused on Mike and Kayla. Almost as if I was just watching the three of us and not participating. It was a nice perspective. It felt good to be an observer of my own sexual activity.

DECEMBER 2

I awoke from my sleep. NOvember was awesome. The journey was amazing, the things I felt were amazing, the things I learned about myself were amazing. It all felt great, but DAMN! I was ready for it to be over.
I got to fingering right away and didn’t stop until I came.

I’ve been allowed free reign on my orgasms until further notice. I’ve already had to recharge several vibrators! I am glad I’ve got 11 months before next NOvember!


368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

Figured I’d close the loop with you all on what happened/is happening with Chelsea. As shared in several posts, she stayed with us for while as her husband worked on out-of-town job. (Post 357, Post 358, and Post 359).

I am sharing this in part because I find it fascinating and I think others might relate to bits and pieces of this. Even if you don’t, it may satisfy the voyeur in you that likes to peer into the lives of others.

Her time with us was full of personal revelations for her as I detailed in 359. There was one revelations that was not on the list as she didn’t come to it until later in her visit. That is, she realized she had a lot of controlling behaviors when it came to how she treated her husband, Jaime.

She is controlling, but not in a “tell him what to do” sort of way. She tries to control how he feels about her and how he reacts to her. She is submissive in that she likes to be under his guidance and be told what to do and have to meet his expectations. But even with that, she still wants control over his reactions to her. She wants to be recognized as nice, loving, and caring. Of course, who doesn’t? But for her, it creates two sets of consequences.

One, when she doesn’t get the reaction she wants, she sulks, she misbehaves, and her body language is disapproving. She is likely to start a debate about something he asks of her. Simply, she undermines the dominance she wants from him.

The second consequence of her actions is that it causes Jaime to become uncertain, hesitant, and insecure about whether he is “doing it right” as far as being the Dom she desires. Jaime is a bit shy and reserved by nature. When Chelsea does something he perceives as a rejection or challenge to his role, he backs off from the responsibilities of that role. And in turn, that cascades into several other consequences.

His backing off means Chelsea doesn’t get the consistency she wants from him. In frustration, Jaime has turned to Mike to provide that consistency. I’ve shared before that Mike has become the surrogate Dom to Chelsea and often administers her discipline. And as Mike observed, it was causing both of them to become more passive-aggressive towards each other. Effective communication was breaking down in the process.

One of the things I’ve observed in Mike is that when it comes to communication with me or with Kayla, it is aggressive-agressive, not passive-aggressive. And I don’t mean it as “aggression.” There is no hostility or anger. I mean it in the way aggressive means decisive, clear, assertive, unambiguous, with clearly stated, and more importantly, clearly understood, intentions.

For example:

Passive Aggressive: “Isn’t that a lot of makeup?”
Aggressive-aggressive: “I don’t want you wearing so much make up.”

Sure, aggressive-aggressive is controlling. That’s what D/s is full of. But it is not passive-aggressive. Aggressive-Aggressive is about taking the wheel and driving right to your destination. Passive-Aggressive is hinting and mumbling about your desired destination, and then whining and resenting it when you don’t arrive there.

Chelsea realized that while she still thrives at being submissive, she needs explicit words of encouragement and appreciation from Jaime. All it took was sharing that with Jaime and Jaime was like, “Yeah, I can do that, because I am amazed by you and all you are willing to do for me. ”

Funny, she had fewer reservations about asking Jaime to be spank her and bring Domestic Discipline into their marriage than she did about simply admitting to him she needed more words of encouragement from him. Humans!

It might be easy to blame Jaime for not being more outwardly supportive. But he tends to be a person of few words, and it is just not his demeanor to verbally praise. It reminds me of something I posted several years ago – Post 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline. As well as what is in the two posts right after that one, 159. Follow the Leader. and 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. as well as the post right after that one.

That “Golden Rule” is: Make sure you both recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, it means giving praise.  For the Sub, it means giving thanks. 

Since Chelsea has returned to Jaime, Mike continues to check in with them almost daily. They have both made an effort to work on this issue and apparently it is paying dividends. They both report a new energy and connection in their marriage.

HOWEVER, this post just talked of this newer epiphany regarding Chelsea realizing the impact of her controlling behavior mixed with Jaime’s reserved personality. What of the other realizations Chelsea had as I previously shared?

Her sexuality? She said she really wants Jaime in her life and as her husband, but she would love an open marriage with a third like what I have. And she feels very in love with Kayla. Kayla enjoys Chelsea company and considers her her best friend, but the “love connection” is not 100% mutual. And Kayla told her she is not interested in being their “third” as she is committed to our relationship. But, as ours is an open relationship, that doesn’t mean Kayla can’t be a “friend with benefits.” And for now, that is how that stands. Chelsea shared her feelings with Jaime and reassured him she has no intentions of leaving him – ever. And her desire for a relationship with a woman would always be within the context of their marriage and whatever Jaime would allow.

Chelsea feels relieved to have shared this with Jaime and for Jaime to have accepted it. She said she thinks some of her passive-aggressive tendencies was her trying to suppress or keep her strong feelings about this issue to herself.

I won’t go point-by-point through the remaining realizations shared in those other posts about Chelsea. But, to sum them all up —

While not completely gone, she is definitely on the road to reconciling every one of those issues and doing so with Jaime’s love and support. It’s amazing what 100% transparent communication and allowing yourself to be fully VULNERABLE to your mate can do for a relationship, especially when that vulnerability is reciprocated.

And if by chance it isn’t reciprocated or that the “full you” is not appreciated. . . well, isn’t that an invaluable thing to learn about your mate? It may hurt, but it hurts a lot less than a lifetime of negative behaviors and being unfulfilled.

366. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

Kayla had a birthday this week. She’s 26. It’s so amazing to experience who she is today and to have been part of the journey that brought her to this point. We also recently had our 2nd anniversary as … well, as I don’t know what you would call it? Publicly bonded triad? I’ll save the Kayla and family update for another post. This one will be about the person I know best. Me!

I want to dive right in to the fulfillment I get from being a submissive wife in Domestic Discipline.

MY MARRIAGE

While I will focus mainly on how I feel about me, I want to start with what it means to my marriage. DD has taken the intimacy level to immeasurable heights. I don’t just mean sexually. By being 100% vulnerable to each other, we both feel completely safe and secure to reveal the truth about ourselves to each other. By being totally free to express our needs, desires, and whims, with the sometimes illogical origins, we are actually revealing the “walls” that are around us. And by revealing them to each other, those walls disappear. As I’ve written many times, the result is, we are one, but not the same (cue U2).

Vulnerability is an amazing thing. Maybe I will post about it some time. — If you are new here, I’ve done like a bazillion posts about the power of vulnerability. Go to my shortcuts and there are nine of them referenced in my Nine Thoughts on Finding Happiness.

ME

To sum up all that submission gives me — It shrinks the world!

It simplifies, synthesizes, and purifies. It filters out all the noise and leaves me able to focus singularly on what is truly important to me.

It gives me structure, and the more rules I have, the more secure I feel.

It provides me clear standards at which to measure my moments and my days.

It gives me time and energy, as I no longer do things that are unimportant, frivolous, or uninspiring.

It makes me accountable to the people that are most important to me and through accountability I am fulfilled and redeemed.

It gives me an incredible amount of love, devotion, and attention from Mike. He is deeply invested in my day-to-day activities like never before.

The sex is incredible! Just sayin’.

Yes, in order to get all those things I have had to give up some things as well. I gave up various powers in exchange for all of the above. Best deal I’ve ever made!

Serving Mike as I do was not done on a whim. We didn’t get to where we are overnight. It was a choice I initially made, and he subsequently made. It filled me with a freedom unlike any I had ever felt. It was absent any pressure or outside urgency. It just felt right from the beginning through today. We somehow found something in each other that we didn’t even know was missing within us and between us. We both offered parts of ourselves that no one had ever offered us nor that we had ever offered each other.

It’s NOT EASY. It’s hard work, dedication, devotion, determination, kindness, and empathy. The hardest part? It’s honesty and communication at a 100% transparent level. It’s the removal of all boundaries between two people. It’s a willingness to explore each other, allow each other to explore the world around us, and explore ourselves all without judgment or fear from the other.

OUT OF OUR VULNERABILITIES CAME OUR STRENGTHS!

And if I had to do it again, my choices would have remained the same.

submissive wife

This. Is. Who. I. Am!


P.S. Did I mention the sex is incredible?

Net: 367. NO-vember: Orgasm Control

360. FINGER SPANKIN’ GOOD

Chelsea’s been here a week. While parts of her day are filled with emotion-filled discovery, overall it is upbeat and joyful. It’s nice to have someone different to interact with as it’s been six-months of either isolation or significant separation from fellow humans thanks to Covid.

Chelsea brings a different energy to the house. She’s a bit frenetic, a bit of nervous energy. I feel like Cesar Milan, (the dog whisperer), in that I know she will thrive if she can just maintain a calm submissive state! Ruff-ruff!

I’ve learned a lot more about her upbringing, fears, anxieties, and aspirations. She always struck me as being confident, but now I see her confidence was cover for significant feelings of inadequacy. I can also see her need to present a false sense of confidence is slowly being replaced by real confidence. It isn’t easy. There is a lot of insecurity in her and it will take a long time for her to fully squash it. At least she recognizes there is a healthy way to address it: Trust and be vulnerable to those you have invited into your life! I am SOOO digging that phrase!

I am sure I will have an update or two along the way during her visit. Especially if she decides it’s time to have a serious talk with Jaime. She might wait for him to return home. We shall see. I think a lot of her current anxiety is around having “the talk” with Jaime. A lot of her future rides on his reaction. While uncertain, my bet is he will be supportive and they will come out better for it. Always the optimist!

SWITCHING GEARS
Now for something completely different.

Given that it’s kinky, I guess it isn’t THAT different.

I’ve shared that I don’t like to mix sex with my discipline. For me they are distinct. While our sex can sometimes included kinky things like a slap on various body parts, and our play can sometimes include flogging of various body parts, none of those activities are in the context of discipline.

It’s different for Kayla in that, for her, sex and discipline can mix. A spanking or other form of discipline from Mike can often end in sexual acts of one kind or other. I understand it to a degree. and recognize that sometimes I feel aroused during discipline. One trigger in particular that tends to increase the moisture (aka “get me wet) is Mike’s words. Sometimes a harsh lecture turns me on!

Despite any arousal, I’ve shared with Mike my desire to keep sex separate from discipline. I haven’t really given deep thought into why that is important to me, it just is. Mike has always respected. Well, not 100% of the time.

I was spanked yesterday. Car registration and inspection were due by the end of August and it’s my responsibility to take care of it. I forgot. I got it done today, so luckily didn’t get a ticket. While that would have made things worse, it still isn’t an excuse for getting off without some discipline. And for added context, I’ve been spanked over the last few weeks for other things that go under the category of “I forgot.” Some grocery items I was to pick up, some errand I was to run.

I am highly organized around my household duties and quick to enter any task into my calendar on my phone with plenty of reminders set to ensure I meet my commitments. I think the string of forgetfulness was simply over confidence. I had started to no bother to enter things in my phone and just store the reminder in my head. Not a good idea.

Given the string of forgetfulness, Mike gave me a very stern lecturing. While I always find them erotically humbling, for whatever reason, this one was particularly arousing. I think part of it was that while not in our bedroom as an eyewitness, Chelsea was clearly able to overhear everything Mike was saying. I don’t know if that stimulated the exhibitionist in me, or what exactly was going on in my body.

I think part of it was that I liked the fact that Mike was undeterred simply because Chelsea could hear. He was going to say and do what needed to be said and done, no matter who heard. I liked that. Also, I had not been allowed to orgasm in three days.

I don’t connect to anything related to DDlg, but I do find lectures to be infantilizing. It makes me feel like a little girl. I like that feeling, but only in the context of his lectures. Odd. Hey, don’t question what turns you on, just go with it!

THE SPANKING FINGERING
So here we are, Mike lecturing me. We are nude, by the way, as is our default when we are home. He puts me over his knee and begins to spank me by hand. I can sense I am wet down there, but I don’t know to what degree. At some point, he readjusted my position across his lap. I don’t know if he felt something on his leg or his hand as it brushed between my legs.

He gave me three hard smacks and said, “My, you are wet, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Sir, I guess so,” I replied.

Three more hard smacks, and then he spread my legs and reached around and rubbed the outside of my pussy, giving it three strokes with closed fingers.

“No guessing. You most certainty are,” he said smugly.

While he didn’t rub hard, each stroke made me flinch and with each one I let out a little whimper, each whimper a little longer than the one before.

“Like that?” he asked.

“Yes, Sir.” I said coldly, no expression. I was feeling like my body was betraying me.

He resumed spanking me, as I expected. After about twenty or thirty, he began to rub my butt, which is not unusual. Clearly I was sexually aroused. Just the rubbing of my butt elicited not just a small whimper, but a subconscious writhing of my body, which was still laid out across his lap.

Mike’s movements throughout the spanking had slid my body so that his knee was close to being between my legs. He then guided my body so that his knee was firmly between my legs. It wasn’t a push.. It was a guide, and I did not resist. I quickly started humping his leg, softly at first, then more intently and with purpose.

I wasn’t even thinking about this being a spanking. After grinding on his leg for I don’t know how long, he pulled my body back up into a proper spanking position. He gave me a few more hard whacks and then slid his hand between my legs and started playing with my pussy.

Before long he was fully fingering me and my twisting and contorting across his lap became more and more animated. It didn’t stop until I orgasmed.

As I was catching my breath, still sprawled across his knee, Mike remarked, “Well, that wasn’t much of a punishment?”

“Best punishment, ever,” I said with a smile.

Whack. He smacked my butt hard and sarcastically said, “Best punishment, ever. . . SIR”

“Yes, Sir. Best punishment ever, Sir,” I said in a seductive voice. And feeling a stiffness against my belly I said, “And do you need me to take care of that erection, Sir?”

“Now Jen, you know this isn’t your thing to mix discipline with sex. While too late for that, do you really want to go further?”

“Yes,” I replied.

Mike thought for a moment and said, “Well, here’s the deal. You can suck me off and I give you a proper spanking of 25 with the belt, or we can conclude this punishment now and that’s that. No sucking.”

Mike was clearly being playful, but I knew he meant it as well. He was actually giving me a choice between giving him head AND being spanked versus avoiding further spankings. Heck, I was fully sexually satisfied at the moment, so any dick sucking would be 100% for his satisfaction. Do I want to endure the belt when there is no upside for me? The answer seemed obvious.

But I also took Mike’s tone as a bit of a playful dare. He was taunting me to accept the spanking. “I know we messed up and mixed pain with pleasure. We shouldn’t violate your values so nonchalantly. It seems that you owe it to yourself to finish me off and then be properly punished.”

Arg! What to do! Uphold my long held position that the sanctity of my discipline should not be violated by sex, or spare the sting of the belt? I love playful games with Mike. And I love to feel victorious in these games. But which one was “victory” for me? What did I do? Inquiring minds want to know.

REFLECTION
This incident did not mark a change in my desires to keep discipline separate from sex. It was simply one of those things that is bound to happen from time to time. No need to fight it. No need to over analyze it.

I let Mike know it is my wish to continue our tradition of keeping it separate. No regrets or remorse over what happened. Quite the opposite. It was fun! We can be playful at times, even during a punishment. Exceptions to every rule, as long as we both agree.

I am debating whether or not to tell you if I took the “dick and belt” or graciously accepted the out. (Ha. Dick and Belt sounds like a good name for a morning radio duo. “It’s Dick and Belt in the morning, coming to you on KBDSM radio). I digress)

I’ll let you know. Next post.

Place your bets!

NEXT POST: 361. CHILDHOOD IS WASTED ON CHILDREN

359. Domestic Discipline will AMP YOU UP

Domestic Discipline will AMP {clap} you up!

Picking up where I left off. . .

When Chelsea arrived she emptied her suitcase and other personal items in our guest bedroom and joined us in the living room as Mike calls us together for this unique “Maintenance Session” as explained in my prior post.

And as if by magic, something unexpected happened. Something that could take months, if not years, or even a lifetime for someone to articulate to someone else. Chelsea said the most amazing and surprising thing.

As I left off in the prior post, Mike stated, “. . . I don’t ask you to be anyone other than yourself.”

Chelsea didn’t say anything right away. It’s like I could sense the wires starting to connect… zzzt, zzzt, zzzzzzt!

With the saddest face humanly possible, she mumbled,
“But. But. But, what if I’m not enough? What if there’s something wrong with me?”

And then she cried.

Mike immediately went to her and held her. He assured her that no matter what, it can only be right.

I recognized Chelsea had a lot she needed to get off her chest. I felt like the setting might be intimating for her. Seemingly ready to reveal her worst fears in life, I felt the fewer people around the better. Overcoming my predisposition to be nosy, I knew my presence wasn’t valuable. While Kayla is her best friend, I sensed even having her around might be a bit much. Chelsea said what she said to Mike, staring straight at him as if we weren’t even there. I asked Mike if Kayla and I could leave the room and he agreed.

I don’t have a bad relationship with Chelsea, but it hasn’t evolved to be one best suited for what it appeared she needed at that moment. I’ve never had a meaningful one-on-one discussion with her. Probably the most I ever talked to her without Mike or Kayla around was during our threesome with TJ. A totally different context!

Mike and Chelsea were left in our living room as Kayla and I retreated to our bedroom. It was about two hours before Mike came in, Chelsea in hand. He said we will watch a movie and just relax together. (We watched The One and Only Ivan. It was okay. Various sub-plots going on and worth a watch on television but I am glad we didn’t spend movie money on it. Sort of what you probably feel about reading my blog! lol). Chelsea sat on the couch between Mike and Kayla, and I was sitting in the recliner. Chelsea was gripping Mike’s hand almost like a scared child. During the movie she ended up with her head on his shoulder, and she fell asleep. It wasn’t that late. Maybe 8:30 or 8:45 p.m.

After about thirty minutes of her sleeping, Mike gently woke her and softly asked her if she would like to go to bed. She nodded and he whispered for her to get ready for bed and he would come to the room in a bit.

He went to the bedroom and didn’t return to the living room for about forty-five minutes. He asked Kayla to talk to Chelsea, so she did. It got later and later and eventually both me and Mike got ready for bed and could still hear the mumbling of Kayla and Chelsea talking.

Kayla eventually emerged and asked Mike if she could sleep with Chelsea. “As in sleep, sleep, no sex,” she clarified. She said Chelsea didn’t want to be alone. Mike agreed and oddly, he added, “And if it leads to sex, so be it. I’ll leave that up to you.”

I didn’t ask Mike to tell me what Chelsea shared. I’ve learned from my relationship with Kayla that it is best to leave it up to her to share with me what she wants. There shouldn’t be this assumption that I “deserve” or demand to know everything they discuss or do with Mike. They are free to explore and develop their relationship with him, free from my hovering around it. In this case, Mike told Chelsea he would share things with me, thus. . .

Mike told me that Chelsea indeed has a lot of “sorting out to do.” I pretty much nailed it in my assessment that she isn’t connected to what she is truly feeling or truly wants. Mike said that’s only half of it.

I don’t intend to turn my blog into the “Chelsea life story blog.” But the run down is this:

CHELSEA’S CHALLENGES
1. She’s uncertain of her sexuality
She thinks she might be gay. Bisexual for sure. Prefers women, not to say that she doesn’t love Jaime. It’s just “different, complicated, and confusing.”

2. Jaime’s fidelity
Jaime cheated on her a lot before they got married, supposedly not since. She never really reconciled it in her mind and continues to blame herself for not being enough for him during that time.

3. She fears not being enough
She loves her husband and wants him to be happy and be the one for him to be happy with. Her guilt and insecurities (my words) made her put tremendous pressure on herself and her hopes that D/s would transform their relationship for the better. She personally likes being submissive and was eager to embrace D/s. Her expectations were very high. She feels she connected with D/s and gets to be more of her true self as a submissive. This makes Jaime’s perceived rejection of it all the more painful to her.

4. She’s loves being submissive
While loving the idea of being submissive, it only has felt right to her when Mike is the one providing direction or delivering consequences. She admitted to acting up (aka “bratting”) with Jaime so that Jaime would have to take action. Instead, Jaime would often turn to Mike in frustration.

She likes submitting to Jaime, but, in her words, “he’s bad at being a Dom.” And despite all the issues, she is convinced she loves Jaime but not convinced he loves her.

5. Swinging/swap conflict
She hasn’t fully reconciled the whole swinging/swap stuff within our COT. Part of her feels it’s Jaime’s way of demonstrating she isn’t enough for him. But at the same time, she said they both found it exciting and they connected in new ways. They both were open with each other about what they did, what they felt, what they liked, what they didn’t. She cherished those conversations and it made her feel good that he enjoyed it and enjoyed her enjoying it. But she isn’t 100% convinced. Again, lots of insecurities.

6. She’s in love with Kayla
Yeah, there’s that. She admitted it.

WHAT DOES JAIME KNOW?
Mike asked her how much of this she discussed with Jaime. Virtually none!

She thinks sharing her thoughts about her sexuality would be unfair because she hasn’t figured it out herself. “What if I am wrong and he freaks out over nothing? What if he thinks it means I don’t love him or that he is inadequate in some way? What if he leaves?”

She wants a life with him, as his wife, kids, all that. My thoughts are that she’s not gay, bisexual for sure, and will hopefully come to terms with it at her own pace regarding what it means for her and her marriage.

She’s mortified to address their D/s and our COT. “What if I am right and he never wanted it or liked any of it. I feel so embarrassed for liking it myself.” My two cents is that he enjoys her submission and the COT. I think he is just as insecure as she is. That insecurity comes off as indifference. There’s just too much left unsaid between them and their individual insecurities are filling in the gaps.

She said they did have conversations about the swinging, but she never revealed her motivations behind it – motivations based on pleasing him. And while they mutually shared the genuine excitement and energy it brought to their relationship, she never told him that it also includes feelings of not being enough or being discarded. Despite her liking so many things about it, at its root it represented her failings as a wife. Those horrible feelings were conflicted with the thrill it also brought to both of them and their relationship. And her love of the eperiences with other women was conflicted with her concerns about her sexual identity.

All of this was from her eight hours with us! Things sure move fast in my kink-vortex! I’ve got a theory about why that is, but I’ll save that for some other post.

MY NEW NARRATIVE
The next day we followed through with our plans and Chelsea shadowed me much of the day, and then shadowed Kayla the next, she even saw Kayla get spanked. And I’ve now had the opportunity to talk to Chelsea one-on-one for quite awhile and I’ve adjusted my narrative about her.

She knows who she is, she’s just afraid to show it, both to herself, and to others. A fear based in her childhood that she carried forward to her marriage. Her ability to articulate what she wants is hiding behind the thinnest veneer. Once punctured, she has been very articulate, clear, and more importantly, confident.

She wants to be married to Jaime. She wants to let him lead and needs to work with him on defining what that means on his terms, not hers. She wants an open marriage, especially wants to explore her sexuality more. She understands that may be hard on Jaime as he may fear her leaving him for a woman. They’ll just have to work that out and it is no different than her fears he could leave her for another woman. “Who knows,” she said, “maybe we find a win-win and get ourselves a third!”

She likes D/s and loves the idea of submitting, to Jaime, to Mike, or to a woman. She feels the most comfortable in a submissive role, including being disciplined. She said she always felt fine being spanked as a child. Not that she enjoyed it, but that it didn’t make her feel defective and she doesn’t feel scarred by it. To her it was effective and she believes it is “appropriate for a husband to spank his wife. ”

When she said that, I was ready to denounce that concept. I don’t buy into it as being “appropriate” in the way she was using that word. She was using it as meaning “natural order of things.” Ug. That’s not my belief. I’ve ranted about that before so will spare you another rant. Suffice to say, I bit my tongue and accepted that if it was right for her, then so be it. (120. Is this submissive a feminist, and 350. Equity and Fairness)

WHAT NOW?
For now she is waiting to have her deep dive conversation with Jaime. She wants to continue talking with us, flexing her ability to articulate her feelings and better understand what it is she is feeling. And by us, I do mean us. She’s opened up to me and I think likes the attention from all three of us, especially Mike. She Facetimes every day with Jaime, and Jaime even noted her upbeat demeanor. It seems she is feeling good about the direction she is headed.

BTW, Chelsea didn’t have sex with Kayla that first night. They just cuddled and went to sleep. There’s some things that have to be sorted out there because Chelsea loves Kayla. Kayla loves her to but not in that same way, so it’s unfair to pursue the sexual activities if the feelings are unbalanced. And there is the whole thing of what role Mike plays in Chelsea’s life and her dynamic within her marriage. But all of those things flow from Chelsea first needing to establish a stronger sense of self. Once that is done, everything else should be much easier to sort out.

I’ve always stated that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, or go down a path of exploring kinks (which is related to vulnerability), the experience serves as an AMPLIFIER for what your relationship already has. If there are fears, insecurities, and confusion, they will be amplified ten-fold. If there is trust, acceptance, and confidence, that too will be amplified ten-fold.

And Domestic Discipline amplifies all of them even more.

358. CHELSEA MOVES IN

First off, to be clear, my title of my last post was a bit of creative puffery, making something appear more alarming that it is. Mike has no intentions of Chelsea becoming a “fourth” in our marriage. Three’s Company is enough for this marriage. Let’s jump right in.

When Mike told me Chelsea would move in, before he even asked me what I thought, he shared a bit of his thinking.

He said Jaime and Chelsea were having problems and Jaime felt their problems would intensify if Chelsea were left alone while he was gone. Chelsea didn’t want to be alone that long, but didn’t have any options other than go stay with her parents, and she didn’t want to do that for many reasons.

Chelsea has physically changed a lot since mid-March. She’s gained about 35-40 pounds. From about 115 to the 150 range. She looks great as honestly, I feel she was underweight at 115. She’s 5’8. I had stated 5’9 previously, but stand corrected! She is very petite. “Small boned” as they say. So even at around 115 she didn’t look as light as she weighed, if that makes sense. Point is, she’s put on a lot of weight in a short amount of time and her current weight is still well within healthy limits. The issue is that the pace of the gain may be a symptom of something else.

Jaime also said she is drinking more. They often have wine and even a mixed drink here and there, but rarely enough to be anything more than minor-buzz-inducing. More recently she has got passed out drunk on more than one occasion.

Mike had been keeping in contact with the two of them throughout Covid, via Zoom, Facetime, and calls, and texts. Chelsea had been begging Mike to allow them to come over or for Kayla or for him to visit in person, but Mike said no.

Lastly, while Jaime said it was his idea to have her stay with us, she was 100% onboard and loved the idea. As for sex, Jaime also told Mike that he was comfortable with whatever transpired and if Chelsea was comfortable having sex with anyone, he was fine with it. He just wanted Chelsea to tell him about it.

It was clear to me that Chelsea would benefit from professional counseling, but that was not going to happen. With Jaime leaving, she needed someone there to support her right away. Friends would have to do. We would have to do. Mike said we would do the same if it were Donna, Kim,or Jill. It wasn’t about our lifestyle, it was about friends helping friends.

Okay, I am in! HOWEVER. . . how did he see us helping?

Mike’s first thought was to rely on DD. Chelsea was submitting to Jaime in that way, and pre-Covid Mike performed a lot of her discipline. She was very comfortable with Mike spanking her (in my mind, she prefers it over Jaime spanking her). Mike’s thinking and what he had discussed with Jaime and Chelsea was to approach it from a D/s perspective. Set clear rules and clear consequences for breaking the rules. And as far as sex goes, he felt Chelsea should be part of whatever she wanted to be a part of.

UG!!! NO!
I completely disagreed, to say the least (but respectfully so).

I shared with Mike that I am not convinced she is really submissive. Yes, she goes through the motions, but I don’t know that it really connects to her or fulfills her. I think that is why she hasn’t responded to Jaime’s leadership/Dominance. Not only has Jaime been inconsistent, but I think Jaime senses it isn’t what Chelsea really wants. Jaime goes along with it but he too is going through the motions, not truly fulfilled by it.

Mike was horrified by that narrative. He immediately recognized the implications if that narrative were true. That the two of them sort of fell into it because of us, and weren’t aware enough about their own feelings to realize they didn’t belong.

Keep in mind I did not, and still do not, know whether my narrative is accurate. It is only a suspicion. I have not talked or observed Jaime or Chelsea nearly as much as Mike or Kayla have. So I could be wrong, but as shared with Mike, “What are the implications if I am correct?”

Mike agreed that while she would be staying with us, our goal would be to help start to find herself and to hopefully love what she finds. In a lot of ways, it’s a bit second nature to us. It’s very much the way we parented our children, and how we always supported Kayla.

Mike talked to Jaime about our new plan of action. Jaime deferred to Mike but said it best not to tell Chelsea until she was actually staying with us. Jaime was concerned she would be heartbroken and didn’t want her to be alone. Thus, Mike waited until she stayed with us before explaining how things would be.

SHE ARRIVES
The first thing we did when she moved in was to have a “group Maintenance Session.” She loved the idea of that as she is well aware of Maintenance Sessions, although she was disappointed when this session didn’t include any spankings. The purpose of this session was to calibrate expectations. The ground rules are:

  1. She would not be subject to any disciplinary actions. That is, no spankings from Mike if she misbehaved
  2. No sex with any of us. She is free to masturbate, in private or subject to any rules Jaime has for her regarding that.
  3. The three of us would NOT perform any sexual acts in her presence.
  4. We asked her to take turns shadowing me all day, then Kayla all day. Joining us on our walks, helping us with whatever chores we had, and even witness any discipline we received. Exception is when she needed to attend class (virtually), study, or do homework.
  5. We asked her to journal extensively about her thoughts and feelings regarding what she observed and about any aspect of her life. The journal was hers, with no expectation that she share it unless she wanted to.
  6. She was encouraged to ask questions about anything and everything. That was more a rule for the three of us to follow to make sure we included her and was proactive in engaging her, asking her how she felt about certain things and hopefully get her to open up.
  7. At some point we would reconvene, throw out these rules, and talk about what made sense going forward.

The point was not to mandate much of anything, but to suggest, encourage, and leave it up to her.

Her response was interesting. She didn’t want such latitude. She said she wanted to be told how it would be. She wanted to be held accountable if she didn’t behave accordingly. She became emotional and very teary eyed. She said to Mike, “Why won’t you just let me submit to you and be like Jen and Kayla?”

I was proud of Mike’s response.

“Because you are Chelsea. If you want to submit to me, then submit to being Chelsea for me. I don’t ask Kayla to be Jen, nor Jen to be Kayla, and I don’t ask you to be anyone other than yourself.”

And as if by magic, something unexpected happened. Something that could take months, if not years, or even a lifetime for some people to realize. Chelsea said the most amazing and surprising thing.

Next post!

359. DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE WILL AMP YOU UP

357. “WE THREE” ARE NOW “WE FOUR” (temporarily?)

My prior post ended with stating I feel there is nothing that can ever mount a meaningful challenge to my perceptions about the happy, healthy, confident, secure, and fulfilled life I lead. One can never be so sure until that perception passes some tests.

{Test enters}

Remember Chelsea? Here’s a recap. Her and her husband, Jaime, are part of our Circle of Trust (COT). A group of close friends with whom we have been known to swing/swap with on occasion as well as live our kinks out in the open.

More background so I don’t repeat myself:
Post 308. Chelsea Part I. Post 329. More Immersion 2019: Playing with Friends. Post 335. The Bond of Sex.

The background is relevant to this post, I promise! And here is some more background before I get to what’s behind this post. If you want to skip to the point, then scroll down to the highlighted title after this one:

MORE BACKGROUND
I liked Chelsea from the start. My initial assessment was that she lacks a filter, which I totally relate to, and speaks her mind. Her delivery is one of inquisitiveness. She is honestly curious. I described it in a prior post as “authentic.”

First impressions are funny things.

Over time I’ve found her to be, well. . . not so authentic. I think “competitive” is the better term. Competitive for her husband’s attention, competitive in submission with Kayla and Kayla’s life in general, and competitive for Mike’s affection. That competitiveness is all a veneer to deep insecurities.

I don’t sense any nefarious intent on her part. She isn’t consciously doing it to achieve some wicked result. It’s more of a protection mechanism she has developed. My arm-chair psychoanalysis of her is that she lacks maturity and a confidence.

She doesn’t really know who she is or what she wants. She copes with this by striving to emulate others she admires and she yearns for their approval. And because she doesn’t know what truly fulfills her, she isn’t always content with whatever transpires. She sees others liking something, so she does it. She doesn’t like it, and feels inadequate, guilty, or “less than,” because it didn’t give her the fulfillment it gives others.

This adds to her feeling of inadequacy and emptiness and her response is to double-down on mirroring those she admires instead of addressing her feelings and finding what truly makes her happy. Her actions and emotions or often only mirrors, and mirrors can only do three things: reflect, distort, and break.

Phew. Yeah, and I didn’t even charge her for that analysis! Seriously, I am not so arrogant to think I am 100% correct, but that narrative fits with all that I have observed, and I tend to observe people very closely.

It would be easy to blame her upbringing. If you didn’t read the links recapping her background, the short of it is she grew up in a household where corporal punishment was a family tradition and a family affair. I don’t think that is her issue. I think a lot of pressure was put on her as the oldest daughter – be the “perfect daughter” and check all the boxes for her parent’s notion of what it means to be a girl – a notion rooted in a highly patriarchal mind set.

On the outside she seems to have it together. She is very driven to finish college. She left home at 18 to get married and spent several years working hard to be in a position to go to college. She is about half way through getting her degree and gets excellent grades. For her, I believe her drive and self-discipline in certain aspects of her life serve as an emotional cover, as does alcohol to a certain extent.

Her husband is four years older than her. 24 to 28 isn’t much of an age difference, but consider they first started dating when she was just 16 and got married a month after she graduated high school. And where Chelsea puts off an air of confidence (and it is just an air), he puts on no airs. He is fairly shy, reserved, and his lack of self confidence is apparent.

She can easily pass for 18, with some effort, even younger.   5’9 115, very small frame. Light freckles, high cheekbones..baby-face.   Visually she is in stark contrast to her burly husband who is probably about 220-225, 6 feet tall. And he looks older than he is. I think if they looked more alike it wouldn’t be uncommon for people to mistake her for his daughter.  

AND YOUR POINT, JEN?
Chelsea moved in with us two days ago.

Jaime is a plumber with his own business. Covid put a dent in his business. On one hand, more people home trying to cook meant more clogged drains and other plumbing issues. On the other hand, people were more apt to DYI and not have someone come into their home. He takes the appropriate Covid-precautions when going into people’s homes.

In addition to individual clients, he occasionally picks up work supporting construction – hotels, offices, stuff like that. He had been trying hard to pick up as many of these jobs as possible, wherever he can find them.

He got a job opportunity that’s about a 7-hour drive (still in Texas – Texas is a big state!). Initially it was only going to be a few weeks but he got lucky and the contractor had another job in that same city that needed plumbers. He decided to stay there for the duration of both projects and there is a possibility for him to pick up a third project. For now, the plan is he will be gone for about two months.

I’ve shared how Mike plays a part in Jaime and Chelsea’s dynamic. (Post 337. Outsourcing Domestic Discipline). Mike is like their DD coach, a kinky-sensei, a mentor, as they explore a more D/s dynamic in their marriage. Mike knows the two of them much better than I do. Same with Kayla since she is friends with Chelsea. I’d even call them best friends.

Apparently it was Jaime’s idea and he asked Mike if Chelsea could stay with us. Mike agreed if Chelsea seriously self-quarantined for two weeks after Jaime left. She did, and on Wednesday (day before yesterday), she moved in.

“Moved in” is an overstatement. But “visit” doesn’t quite cut it either. Jaime isn’t expected back until October 16.

DID I AGREE?
Chelsea moved in with us two days ago. Mike didn’t ask me. He told me, but he did ask me what I thought.

It’s easy to misread “what do you think” as just lip service since he already made the decision. It’s not like that. When Mike asks me what I think, he expects a full a complete answer. I am not to hide my feelings, ever. The only condition is I express them respectfully.

It would be very easy to paint a narrative that Mike didn’t respect me enough to talk about it before he made a decision. Our relationship is not like that. I don’t expect that from him. Quite the opposite. I respect that he can make any decision with or without my input. While I like it when he asks me, I value and trust his intentions and abilities to determine what is good for our household.

My default narrative is to think of all the positives he sees in a decision he has made. Why would anyone think otherwise about their spouse? Well, we know why (I’ve been there), but that’s the pre-DD Jenny.

That doesn’t mean I don’t get to ask him questions or express my concerns. I can, and I do, but I don’t do it in a defensive way. My goal is not to “destroy” his reasoning and impose my will. My goal is to synchronize our collective reasoning and understanding. Ultimately, if that is not successful, then I fall back on my choice to submit and “let go, let Mike.”

A pre-DD thing for me to do would be to defensive, even angry, and “demand” an explanation. Instead, I knew Mike believed there was something positive to come from this. DD has taught me to listen and accept my husband’s loving intentions. I’ve learned to “think like Mike” before making my own assumptions about things.

And how does Mike think? He’s a “risk first” thinker, as opposed to a “benefits first” thinker. Me? I often think of the benefits and that’s good enough for me – full speed ahead! Mike? He assesses risk, then the benefits. I guess that’s why he’s good at business. He always says every business at it’s core is simply about assessing risk.

With my “Mike thinking cap” on, I was eager to learn what he identified as the risks, how he felt they could be mitigated, and why he felt the benefits outweigh those risks. No defensiveness. No animosity. No ill feelings. I just wanted to understand what he considered in making his decision and I knew from experience that he would be willing to share as well as be willing to address my concerns.

To be honest, my initial thought made me think of what Mike often tells me when we discuss what details I can share online. “What’s the upside?” So, Mike, what’s the upside?

And that will have to be for my next post!

NEXT: 358. CHELSEA MOVES IN

355. A MATTER OF (SPANKING) BUSINESS

For the first time in a while I feel like I have a lot to “unpack.” That normally means an exhaustive boring esoteric ramble from yours truly. But I’ll save that for another post, as I’ve got business to attend to! As in spanking business, and cousin, business is a-boomin’.

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN Two posts ago (353. On this date, March 153, 2020), I referred to some people in our life by their actual names.  Specifically members of the Nudies. (Post 233, among others).

It dawned on me within minutes of posting it and I immediately edited it. I was compelled to self-report it to Mike. I have never felt so defeated in something I have self-reported. I had just finished coming off restriction from the prior incident, and now this! And to be honest, there was a moment I thought it best to not report it. I have never knowingly failed to self-report a transgression to Mike. Not only does it make me feel guilty and eat at me, but my submissive mind likes the idea of telling on myself. Damn that submissive mind-set!

Seriously though, I knew I had to tell him, so I did.

When I told him, he said something that still rings in my head. He said, “I can’t spank my trust into you.” He lectured me for some time, but those words kept repeating over and over in my head. They hurt as much as a spanking.

He went on to say that disciplining me further felt empty to him. He felt only time would help. My thought was “No!” That’s what has been so great over the last 5 years living this dynamic. Ill feelings never linger. They are addressed, forgiven, and put behind us. “Give me my punishment. Give me absolution! Let me know ‘All is forgiven.’ I beg you.”

I didn’t actually say those words, but that summed up my feelings.

In his lecture he acknowledged he was happy that I reported this to him, and gave me some credit in that I only used first names. “Excuses are easy.,” he added, “We have rules for a reason and clearly the rules on privacy are not top of mind with you. What were you thinking?”

He doesn’t often ask me what I was thinking. Usually there is no need.

“Your honor, in my defense, not to make excuses, but, it had been so long since I mentioned them in my blog. I had grown too accustomed to using their names with a few email friends, that it was muscle memory and not intentional.”

Okay, I didn’t quite say it that way, but I did say something about muscle memory. I was in tears at this point as I kept replaying the “I can’t spank my trust into you,” over and over in my head. I also knew that a repeated transgression of ANY kind, was bad enough, let along this particular issue.

Thoughts of what he had in store for me were also top of mind. Not from a physical pain stand point. I never “fear” discipline in that way. My fear was one of wondering how long Mike would feel disappointed in me. It was two weeks last time before we got to “All is forgiven.” I hate the cloud of any transgression hanging over me and over us for such long periods. THAT is what I feared.

My response evoked a lecture on why exceptions are never good and a slippery slope. His lecture was far more animated than most. His strongly raised voiced contrasted with his typical lecture style of stern, but controlled. His reaction was telling me this was not just me failing to behave as I wish, but clearly failing to behave as he demands.

MY PUNISHMENT BEGINS
When he completed the lecture, I was sent to our room to wait with instructions to put on a ball gag. After entering the bedroom and affixing the gag, I took the appropriate stance in the corner and awaiting his arrival.

I was crying a lot and once the drooling from gag kicked it, it only added to my feeling of defeat. I don’t know how long it was until Mike came into the room, but it seemed like forever.

When he arrived I was no longer sobbing. He began lecturing me some more in even a greater raised voice than before. He would occasionally smack my butt with his hands. At some point he had me turn and kneel in front of him, head up, eyes fixed on his as he continued to speak. He slapped me, once on each cheek.

As some context, slapping is something I asked to incorporate in punishments some time ago… maybe a year or two ago? He rarely does it. I don’t know what it is about the face. Spank or slap my ass, thighs, breasts, palms, soles of feet, are one thing. But the face, it’s a whole other experience. It wasn’t real hard, but harder than he has ever done before. And was started crying again.

He again asked me what I had to say for myself. Something he rarely asks once, let along twice. But this question was not about what was I thinking when I did what I did, but about expressing my remorse. Which I did so, between the sobs.

CANING/PADDLING
He walked me next to our bed and had me bend over with my forearms resting on the bed. He picked out a spanking implement and told me that what he was giving me now would be repeated every hour until that same time the next day. It was now some time after 4:00 p.m.

We refer to this type of discipline as “TOH,” or Top of the Hour spankings. The anticipation of knowing what is to come adds to the overall emotional impact of the spankings.

After the first strike I knew which implement he selected. The cane. He struck me six or seven times with it. After just the first one or two I was squirming and crying harder with each one.

He then told me to fetch a paddle. Being paddled on top of a caning is very painful and ensured that it would sting for some time. And knowing this was going to be repeated every hour was ever present in my mind.

“Ten and I need to hear you count them off,” he said.

The first five stung but were of moderate force. He then told me the last five would be intended to “stay with you for awhile.” They were much, much harder.

I was a mess, inside and out. Slobbering all over from the gag, runny nose, watery eyes, and now, a striped and red ass. Inside I continued to feel defeated, defeated by my own behaviors that got me there, not by Mike’s actions.

ENEMA
After the spanking he ordered me to the corner. He went to our supplies and I could hear the water running in the bathroom. He returned with the enema kit. He filled me with warm, soapy water, set my phone alarm for 15 minutes, and told me I could expel it in the toilet once it went off. I could not leave the corner no matter what, and if I couldn’t hold it, then I would just have to release right there and clean up afterwards. He then gave me a couple of swats on my very hot and sensitive ass and he left the room.

GINGER
I made it through the allotted time and just as I was returning to the corner, Mike returned. He was holding a freshly carved ginger root. He proceeded to insert it and again set my phone for 15 minutes. He sat on the bed and watched me the entire time. When I would squirm or begin hopping up and down from the stinging that was now inside my ass, he would tell me to stand still else the spanking would start over.

AND MORE
When time was up, he pulled the ginger out and spanked me with his hand as I stood in the corner. It was a lot of hand spankings, way too many to count. Not super hard, but they covered every part of my already tender backside. He then inserted a butt plug. The lube helped a bit with burning that was still going on from the ginger, but not much. A butt plug by itself isn’t a punishment, but in the right context, like this one, it adds to the humility.

He told me to get on the bed and lay down on my stomach. He placed the paddle on my bottom and left the room. “I’ll be back at the top of the hour.”

LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT
More like, spank/rinse/repeat… It was already close to the top of the hour and it seemed like only a few minutes and he was back. He had me resume the previous position, bent over the bed, and he spanked me with the paddle, having me count off all 10. At least there was no caning, but every single whack stung like hell. I was crying again.

After the spanking he gave me another enema and 15 minutes of corner time. When that was over and I expelled the enema, he again plugged me and said we would reconvene at the top of the hour. He held me for some time, and I held on to him. He gave me some encouraging words, and after a few minutes, that was that. We resumed normal activities of the evening .

At the top of each hour I would remind him I would be waiting in the bedroom. Each time I was spanked 10 times with the paddle and then spent 15 minutes in the corner – but no enema! Silver lining?! Sometimes he would lecture me, sometimes a word was never uttered. Very mechanical, like clock work. Every waking hour, on the hour.

SEPARATION/ISOLATION
I had to sleep in the guest bedroom and would be spanked just before going to bed. And my bedtime was early, 9:45 p.m. and lights out! The extra sleep is a blessing, but the isolation is a curse.

Also, I was back on orgasm restriction and total abstinence from sex to boot. At first it was not that big of deal because I wasn’t in a very sexual mindset. But eventually my normally high sex drive started to kick in and it was yet one more layer to this punishment. It impacts me both physically and emotionally, especially when seeing or hearing Mike and Kayla having sex. But I got through it, no touching!

The next day the TOH spankings and corner time continued until 4 p.m. On the last one, he again administered an enema, like he did the first two spankings. After wards, we talked. As in a conversation. No lecture, no tears.

I expressed my commitment to be overly vigilant about what I post or share with online friends. I was all set for “All is forgiven” but Mike said he was not ready for that. He said the only punishment from that point on would be restriction from my online activities. No phone, no email, nothing. He said he needed time and when he truly felt “over it” then, and only then, could we fully move on.

He again repeated that he can’t spank his trust into me. My disciplining up to that point wasn’t about him or that trust. It was about me and my transgression, no different than any other spanking or discipline I’ve earned. But for him to lift the restriction, it would have to be about him and his willingness to trust me.

As as evidenced by this post, he did get to that point. I hope I don’t ever violate that trust again. Blabber-mouth Jen is now my sworn enemy!!

But. . . that just applies to personally identifiable information. Unfortunately for you, it doesn’t apply to my endless babbling and meaningless drivel about my reflections on all of this. I will eagerly submit you to those ramblings on my next post! Complete with an epiphany of sorts that has actually refueled my desire to blog.

NEXT: 356. THOSE WHO I HAVE INVITED INTO MY LIFE

344. Kayla Interview Part III

344

I know I’ve spent a lot of time posting about my “Interview with Kayla.”  Don’t you know that I am slightly fond of her?   Hee-hee.   Hopefully, you find that hearing from her is interesting and entertaining.    If you didn’t read the other parts, here ya go — Part I.    Part II.

PART III
Jen:  I had someone email me asking about finances.  They were in a long term committed poly relationship and found the finances to be a point of contention.

Kayla: I think whether it’s a traditional or non-traditional relationship, money can be a source of friction.   I think it is less about the type of relationship and more about any differences in how each person views money.  You probably understand the psychology better than I do.

Jen:   Yes, there is something universal about household finances as a potential point of conflict for any relationship.   Economic power is just one more area a couple in a power-exchange dynamic has to address.  Sometimes the submissive may be willing to submit in many ways except economically.   This can cause conflict if the Dom expects such submission.  No different than if talking sex or household rules of any kind.

There’s nothing wrong with a power-exchange that does not include an exchange of economic power.  There is no right way or wrong way for a submissive or a Dom to think about this.   The key is,  no relationship can ignore this topic and like EVERY aspect of their relationship, they have to find a solution that works for everyone involved.  You can assume a submissive is likely to submit financially, but they may not for many valid reasons.  No different than say a submissive who does not want to be sexually shared or that just doesn’t do windows.  Haha.  They just have to find a Dom that accepts it.  But this post isn’t about financial advice for kinksters, it’s about you.  So explain how your finances work.

Kayla: I think you posted about this (I did).   When I was going to school I paid you rent.  My dad was still giving me money for living expenses and I had a part-time job for a bit.  I would give all my money to Mike and he would give me an allowance.  He monitored my purchases and I had to get permission for most expenditures.  I didn’t have many expenses since you all took care of groceries, utilities, and stuff like that and my dad took care of school expenses.

When I started working a “career” job after finishing school, I didn’t hesitate to give all my money to Mike.  Direct deposit into his account.   We didn’t even discuss it ahead of time.   I just did it as it was natural to me and I expected it of myself, as much as Mike expected it of me.  The fact I was making significantly more money didn’t change this for me.

Jen:  Did he expect it?  What would you say to those that think he, or we, are taking advantage of you? 

Kayla:  If they are going to point to the money as the area of concern, and not all the other submissive things I do or that I am part of a relationship with a married couple, then to me that’s a positive.  At least they accept those other parts and if they want to focus on the finances, so be it.  To me, either I am being taken advantage of in every aspect of our relationship or I am not.  I know I am not.  What others think doesn’t bother me.  You all bought me a car (Post 283. We are three) with what I thought was rent money I was giving to you.  I have no reason not to trust you all. 

Jen:  I understand it, but what would you say to those that don’t?

Kayla:  I think they say that because they can’t understand how I could be secure in this relationship, emotionally or financially.  They assume my relationship with you all is tenuous and I should maintain an exit plan, including a financial one.  That’s b.s. to me.  I bet I am saving more money than my peers.  

Jen:  You have money in your own name?

Kayla:  Yes, Mike insisted.  But he does see my statement and I can not spend it – period.  But to be clear, I would have accepted having nothing in my name.  I was even willing to have the car in his name.  I was willing to have no assets to my name.  Mike was the one who insisted on an arrangement where I have money of my own.

Mike said that I deserved a semblance of financial security that you have as his legal wife.  While legally it can never be the same, he felt it important that I had a safety net.  I can’t get equity in the home, but I could build equity some other way.  His explanation made me feel better because honestly, I wanted to 100% submit financially – give everything to him.   Now, I cherish what I do have in my name because it represents a financial equity in this household and in our marriage, legal or not.

Jen:  Explain how the arrangement works.

Kayla:  All our money goes into our household “Bills” account that Mike controls.  He takes care of the mortgage, utilities, and any recurring monthly expenses.   There’s typically a set amount that he then transfers to our “Daily” account.  All three of us are on the Daily account and use it for groceries, gas, clothing, and things like that.   (I covered the basics of this is in Post 181.  Domestic Financial Discipline).   The two of us have rules on what we can buy without permission, like groceries and gas.  This account is like our allowance.  Mike rarely makes purchases from that account since we are responsible for day-to-day household needs.   We are free to spend that account down to zero if need be as it is the amount Mike has allocated for all those daily type household expenses.

And when he puts money in the Daily, he also puts some in our individual savings accounts and the family savings account.  That can be used for gifts for birthdays and Christmas and to build up for that rainy day.   So savings is already taken out as if it were its own expense.  Mike is so good with money.  I have no clue how to spend wisely or save anything.  Well, I do now.

I already have a nice savings balance, plus Mike was adamant I contribute a large amount to my employer’s 401(k).  Believe me, financially speaking I am way better off than most of my peers.  While it sounds ominous that my paycheck goes to Mike, I not only enjoy this arrangement, I am benefiting from it.  Mike also provides me a level of financial discipline I could not provide on my own. 

Jen:  Speaking of discipline, let’s talk DD, more precisely, how your journey into submission has evolved.   What’s your narrative to describe your journey?

Kayla:  The summary of it is, I was insecure, I was self-destructive and headed down a path of even greater destruction, I was scared, I was lost.  I was like a ship that on the outside seemed seaworthy but I had no rudder.  Then you all let me in.  From the moment you shared your dynamic with me I was intrigued.  Make that hooked(Post 77.  Heart to Heart with Kayla).  I remember immediately thinking, “I want Mr. H to treat me that way.”  I think I became very flirty in hopes of charming you.  I guess it worked!

Jen:  Ya’ think?   Speaking of me, at first, we dabbled with having me as a disciplinarian along with Mike.  Talk about that.

Kayla:  I liked the idea of being submissive and accountable to both of you.  In some ways I still do, but not to the degree I needed it at first.  I can’t explain it, but I think part of it was that I wanted to be accepted by both of you and a part of both of you.  I didn’t want just a one-way relationship that was only me and Mike while the two of you had your own relationship.  I wanted a three-way relationship and at the time I thought being submissive to you was one way to have that.   Over time I realized I could have a relationship with you that didn’t include being your submissive, and anyway, it was interfering with your submissive mindset, so we both sort of moved on from that.

Jen:  “Sort of?”  So would you prefer that I discipline you?

Kayla:  Sometimes.  But I know when I think through the implications, while I like the idea of it, I wouldn’t like the reality of it.  I love where things are between us and wouldn’t want to change it.  But, I wouldn’t mind a spanking from you now and then, even if just play.

Jen:  Noted.  We can make that happen.  How would you describe our relationship and your thoughts about the age difference?

Kayla:  You are my wife.  That’s how I describe it.  I love you.  Age exists but doesn’t change those feelings.  I figure there is probably some element of psychology at work regarding my relationship with my mom – or lack of.   When I was 12-15ish I thought of you as a motherly figure.  No escaping that.  I love the warmth of your nurturing soul, and I love to be the object of that nurturing.   And at one time that nurturing may have had more of a mother-daughter vibe, but that vibe completely changed when I became a part of the family.

Jen:  Thank you, and yes, it did.  You are confident and vibrant.  You are “adulting” very well.   You don’t need mothering.   But, you do like to be little?  What do you think that is about? (Post 279. And baby makes three)

Kayla:  We’ve talked about this a lot and I still can’t fully explain it.  I think the really young age play — infant level play — was part of “resetting” my childhood from the beginning.   I needed to start from that beginning.  Sort of role-playing it out where I got everything I needed psychologically.   And then eventually I “aged up” in that play from infant to toddler to young child.

Jen:  And where are you today in that play?

Kayla:  I don’t know any other littles, but from what I’ve read I am probably more in line with the more traditional little-play.  I still have that need to be little now and then.   It’s fun role play, but I get deeply into it, beyond a role.  I become little in my mind.  I’d say my little persona ranges from age 4 to 7 but occasionally may dip into age 2 or 3 regarding breastfeeding or diaper play.

Jen:  I love that breastfeeding and diaper play rolls off your tongue as if you were talking about a favorite dessert or dress.

Kayla:  What?  You mean they aren’t normal things to talk about?   If your readers could only hear some of our conversations!  Besides, those are my favorite desserts and dress. (laughing). 

Jen:  What about your need for discipline.  Do you think about why you need this lifestyle?

Kayla:  Not really.  I just accept it.  It fulfills me.  It just feels right.  It’s like if you asked a vanilla hetero woman what she thinks about why she needs her vanilla hetero lifestyle.  You just are what you are and should just be what you are.  Go with it if it fulfills you and doesn’t harm others.

Jen:  You’re right.  I think I project my feelings on this.  Coming from 20+ years of being that vanilla hetero wife, I guess it’s easier for me to think about why I changed.  I lived the other side for so long and thus it may be more natural to occasionally reflect.  But you never see a friend or co-worker or woman in the store or ever have thoughts of, “I wish I could do that.  I wish I could be free?”

Kayla:  Never.  I cherish my role in our marriage and love being submissive.  I am free!  Free to explore something that means everything to me.  Free to explore my submission and do so in a healthy and nurturing environment.  I wouldn’t want any other life or lifestyle.

Jen:  Your submission is deeper than mine, in terms of what you do and what fulfills you.  In kink terms, it is more Master/slave than simply Dominant/submissive.

Kayla:  Like you, I had to find my limits, that level of submission that fulfilled me and that Mike was comfortable with giving.  He’s such a perfect Dom in helping both of us find our individual limits and not dictating them.  I do love a more slave oriented dynamic than a submissive one.   It’s hard to explain.  I need Mike to know I am his in any and every way he wants.  It isn’t enough for him to feel it is true, I want him to demonstrate it is true.   No different than you.  It’s just a matter of degree.  Mike is awesome at recognizing the different degrees to set things for you compared to me.

Jen:  I agree, but I always like to note on my blog that while Mike is the perfect Dom, he’s our perfect Dom.  He’s perfect because he fulfills what we both need and want.  Someone else with different needs and wants may find him inadequate.  I like to tell my readers that the perfect Dom is the one that is perfect for you.  Fortunately, Mike is perfect for both of us.

Kayla:  Oh he sure is, and that makes it all the more fulfilling to serve him.  He deserves it.  He deserves you, and he deserves me, every ounce and fiber of me.  While I may have freely given myself to him, he has shown me that he deserves all of me.  It’s a wonderful feeling.

Jen:  Yes, it is.   When you first joined our family, I made several posts about adjustments I had to make, emotionally, dealing with feelings related to jealously.  Have you ever been jealous of me?

Kayla:  I don’t think so.  I love Mike.  But I don’t feel I need him all to myself.  Maybe I was fortunate that early on I was too insecure to consider jealousy.   That seems counter-intuitive as jealousy is rooted in insecurity.  But I felt so deeply insecure that I felt like I didn’t even deserve the feeling of jealousy.   Does that make sense? (yes!) 

He was your husband and I so much wanted to be a part of the two of you, that I didn’t give my mind the chance to think anything negative.  I never once felt in competition with you.  I didn’t feel I was even entitled to feel like I was competing.

By the time I knew my position in the family was cemented, there simply wasn’t a need for any negative feelings.  If such feelings were bubbling around somewhere in my mind, I was in a place where they didn’t matter and I could reconcile them.

And what is there to be jealous of?  What would I be competing for?   Not legally being his wife?   When I think that through I feel terrible, not jealous.  If I were his wife, you would not be.  I would never take that from you, or from him, or the kids.  Their parents are married and in love.   I could never want something that would require others to experience so much pain and anguish.  Besides, I have everything I need from him and from you.  I don’t feel anything is lacking.  Like you, I love anything that brings joy to Mike, and there isn’t anyone that brings him more joy than you.   

 Jen:  Thank you, and know that you bring him a lot of joy as well.  He loves you, and I love you, and we both love that the other loves you.  Lots of love to go around.  As I stated before, Love is not Pie.  It is not to be divided and rationed.  It is infinite and to be shared.

You do a lot for Mike.  Things I don’t even do.  You clean his car every day, you run to put towels in the dryer when he showers so you can bring him warm towels when he is done.  The two of you have a lot of rituals as well and he communicates a lot to you in simple gestures, like your own form of sign language.  Mike is also a lot more strict with you.  You probably get 2-3 times the spankings I do.  And your discipline mixes in a lot of sex.  Do you ever look at my dynamic with Mike and wish your submission was less deep?

Kayla:  The question is, do you ever look at mine and wish yours was deeper?

Jen:  No, that’s not the question.  (I said in a mock stern voice). But I think I understand that as an answer.  In other words, your submission is where you and Mike want it to be and that’s that.  I totally get that.  And for the record, I love watching the two of you interact.  It always brings me joy to witness your submission to him.

Changing gears. You are changing your last name to match ours.  This is an amazing commitment on your part and we are overwhelmed by your decision.  It never dawned on us to even consider such a thing.  It’s so special.  I don’t have the right words to express just how special a gift that is to us.  No question for you.  I just needed to state that for my readers.   On second thought, I do have a question.  What gave you that idea and why did you ask both of us for permission and not just Mike?

Kayla:  Thank you.  And it isn’t my gift to you, but your gift to me.  I was very nervous when I asked you all.  I thought one or both of you might get upset and think I was taking things too far.  But I kept telling myself that you all have been so supportive and transparent with our relationship – the ceremony, the tattoos.   As for how it came to me, it was very sudden, like this lightning bolt.   I friend of mine is friends with a gay male couple who were married.  She was telling me that when her friends married, they created a new last name that was a mixture of their two names.  (here’s a name-mixing tool I found that can help you with ideas) 

In an instant it hit me.  I need to change my name.  And it was more than just needing it, I had to do it.  I felt bad that I hadn’t thought of it before.  Like I was lacking in trust in our relationship and every day I kept my last name was another day of not demonstrating my full trust.   I think that’s why I got nervous.  I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if you said no.  I thought you all would be happy, but no one can be 100% sure about that.  And I was mostly worried about your reaction, Jen.  

You’ve always been so supportive and inclusive of me – as part of your family when I was a child, and as part of your marriage as an adult.  But I still worried you might think I was going too far, that changing my name was a way to put myself closer to your level.  It was a name you had taken, and that maybe you would think I was trying to minimize you taking his name.  I felt it was important that I ask both of you and not just Mike.   As much as I know Mike is the ultimate decider of all things in our family,  I wanted your immediate reaction.  I would feel guilty if I thought you were just going along with it because Mike agreed.  I didn’t want you to just go along with it.  I wanted you to honor it, to invite it, to welcome it.  And you did. 

Jen:  Yes, we both did.  Thank you for considering my feelings like that.  It is a very big decision, but one I did not hesitate to support.  The moment you asked I was like, “Oh my god, I love it. Why didn’t we think of this?  It’s perfect.”  You were there.  I got reprimanded by Mike for not letting him speak first.   Again, it’s a wonderful gift to give us and demonstrates your commitment to the three of us as a unified triad.   So where do you see yourself in five or ten years?  What about kids?

Kayla:  I see myself a part of this family.  We are three!  In my mind, it is “until death do us part.”  I know I am still young and that the road in life has a way of throwing unexpected curves or present divergent paths.  If that happens, we deal with them at that time.  But I am probably not much different than anyone who gets married.  They don’t think about it as, “Well, what will I do when this is over?”    The thoughts are, “What will WE be like in the future?”  

I think we will be a lot like we are today.  Our dynamic may evolve, but the three of us will remain three.   And kids?  Sure, I see them at some point.  There’s always artificial insemination or good old fashion natural insemination. (laughing).   So when the time comes there will be decisions we all will have to make and I do consider it a three-way decision since it impacts all of us.

Jen:  For the readers, I think I’ve written before, Mike has been snipped, as coincidentally has John, TJ, and Matt.  The only man in our COT who isn’t sterile is Jaime (condoms and/or birth control!).  And we’ve told Kayla that we are supportive of her having a child at some point.  We don’t feel now is a good time, nor does she, but we see it happening at some point.

So Kayla, speaking of semen… you did sort of mention semen…. let’s end this with questions about sex.   What do you think about your sex life?

AND WITH THAT

I think I will end this post and will most definitely wrap up this Q&A with Kayla on the next post.   I hope you all enjoy hearing from her and understanding more about her.  I am so proud of her and so happy to be a part of her life and her a part of mine.   Maybe I got too excited and am oversharing.  But I tend to be an over-sharer. It’s my brand for this blog and you wouldn’t want me to get off-brand would you?   So you’ll just have to accept it and skim through it or skip it if it is just too much blah-blah-blah for you.

Next Post: 345. Kayla Part IV – Stories of first times

340. One-on-Dom

148
I thought I’d do some posts to catch you up on various people in my life and who better to start with than at the top, with Mike!   I don’t really know what you all might find the most interesting?  Feel free to contact me with questions as maybe I will do this again with questions from you all?  Or send them if you have questions of someone else.  Oh, just send questions!  I can use the content!  Email is the About.

I only recall doing one Q&A type post with Mike.  (74. Interview with Sir).  I also shared some of Mike’s insights in 148. Dom/sub Therapy Session and in  160. I’ll take you to my Leader. I think those are the only times I’ve shared any of his direct thoughts.   And I couldn’t find a good image so I am going to reuse that one from Post 148, in case you’re keeping track, lol.

 I sat down and had a one-on-Dom with Mike.

It’s been three-and-half years since I posted a Q&A with Mike.  We read over it and had to laugh about a fantasy he shared and at the times put the odds of living it out as “very slim.”   Well, let’s just say, “Been there. Done that!”   

And the interview begins. . .

Jen:  At the time of the last Q&A, we were just 18 months into exploring DD.  We are now closing in on five years.  What’s the biggest change?

Mike:  I feel like we are now pros.  We aren’t finding our way.  We’ve found it.

Jen: What does finding your way mean to you?

Mike:  In some ways it’s what I shared in that first Q&A.  Confidence!  And I’ll add, contentment!    It continued to build and reached a level where my actions are more reflexive, automatic, a part of me and a part of us and it just feels good.  I sense the same with you.  Neither one of us is struggling “to be” something.  We just are.  It just so happens I am Dominant and you are submissive, but we aren’t trying anymore.  We just are.

Jen: What types of things do you feel more confident in today that maybe weren’t there three and a half years ago?

Mike:  I have a clear understanding of my own duties and obligations.  DD or D/s isn’t just about the submissive having things to do.  The Dom has to deliver as well.  And that delivery isn’t about making sure you meet my needs.  It’s about making sure meeting my needs is fulfilling your needs.  It took me a long time to figure that out.

Jen: And what specifically did you figure out about that?

Mike:  Being your Dom, being Kayla’s Dom, and being the Dom I want to be, means helping the two of you to feel satisfied.  That doesn’t sound very Dom-like, but it’s not about being a certain type of Dom.  It’s about being the person you want to be and the person that gives those around you the best opportunity to thrive.  That’s not just my definition of a good Dom, but my definition of a good person.

Jen: And what do you think we need to be satisfied?

Mike:  Me! (laughing).   But it’s true and I use to have a hard time saying that or thinking that way.  But you’ve shown me how it fulfills you and in turn how that fulfills me.  It’s this circular thing that feeds on itself, but ultimately, you’ve convinced me that your satisfaction begins and ends with mine.  In return, I’ve learned the more satisfied I can help you and Kayla be, the more satisfied I am.

Jen: Is “satisfied” the best word to use there?

Mike:  It probably doesn’t do this topic justice.  It’s not about just being content.  It’s like you say.  It’s about being fulfilled, a purposeful and fulfilling level of gratification, gratitude, and satisfaction.   How’s that for better words?

Jen:  Perfect, Sir!

Mike:  And to add to it, we are talking about all aspects of our relationship.  Emotionally, physically, sexually.

Jen:  And what do believe satisfies me or Kayla the most?

Mike:  Anal, of course.  (laughing).   Seriously, great question.  It’s the most important question a Dom has to answer.  It took me awhile to understand the answer and be comfortable with the answer.  It is very counter intuitive to those who don’t understand submission and when we started, I had no clue about this dynamic.

Fulfilling a submissive’s need to be submissive isn’t about doing things one typically recognizes as building confidence, instilling happiness, or helping her feel sexy or even feel comfortable for that matter.  In a lot of ways it is about putting her in awkward or even embarrassing situations and pushing her to let go of all modesty.  It’s through the letting go of her ego that she feels fulfilled, even aroused.  And it’s through that release of ego that they feel confident, sexy, and comfortable.   I could be wrong but I believe it sums up my experiences with subs, especially you and Kayla.  What do you think?

Jen:  I agree, especially the anal thing  (laughing).  Seriously, I think you just defined what it is to be vulnerable and you know how much I love that feeling.    But it sounds like you are saying that a D/s relationship starts with the needs of the sub, not the Dom.  Doesn’t that sound backwards?

Mike:  It’s a bit of a chicken and the egg.  It’s not about who it starts with as that sounds like the needs of one would be more important than the needs of the other.  Relationships can’t work that way, even D/s.  The right Dom is the Dom that fulfills the needs of the sub AND whose needs are fulfilled by the sub.   With any relationship, kink or vanilla, there will be rough waters if someone’s needs aren’t being met.   Even in D/s, you can’t dismiss the needs of anyone involved.  

 Jen:  You mentioned in the prior Q&A that this lifestyle has made you more assertive, even at work and other aspects of life.   Has that remained a benefit?

Mike:  Yes.  It’s the saying, “being bold without being a bully.”  It’s hard to be bold sometimes without being perceived as a bully, but in business, you have to be bold.   I’ve learned you can be bold without losing empathy or concern for others.   But over the last few years it’s even more than just assertiveness.  I believe I exercise more control in all things, because how can I provide you and Kayla the control you desire if I am out of control?

Jen: What are some examples of what you mean by that?

MikeI’ve never been a slouch but, I know I now take even greater pride in my health.  I lost weight, not as much as you, but still, I felt compelled to improve my health.  I take better care not just of you and Kayla, but of material things as well.  I am more organized and neater .  Partly because I know the two of you work so hard to maintain things in immaculate order.  I’ve come to enjoy that order and don’t want to mess it up.  Even though, of course, if I do, you all are right there to clean up after me, thank you!

And even more, our D/s has made me a better decision maker.  Pre-DD my thoughts were just suggestions, just ideas for us to collectively kick around and hopefully help us reach a decision on something.  Now, my thoughts on a topic are final once I say they are.  That’s a responsibility I take seriously.  So I spend more time thinking through things so that hopefully I make the best decisions for you and for Kayla.

Jen:  What would you say to someone appalled by the fact for all practical purposes you have two wives?

Mike:  I don’t care what they think.  Of course, legally I am not married to Kayla, and I don’t think of her as “my wife” but as “our wife.”  She is as much a part of you as she is of me.  She’s not “my second’ but part of what makes our “we” three.  

Jen: Anything you want my blog readers to know about your relationship with Chelsea? 

Mike:  No.  I don’t feel compelled to have anyone know any particular thing, but if you want to ask me a question about it, I’ll answer it.

Jen:  Okay then, what do think of that relationship?

Mike:  I enjoy it.  Her needs are very different than yours or Kayla’s.  And Jaime adds unique element to it as well.  He’s inconsistent and struggles to meet Chelsea’s needs, and it’s amazing to me that he has allowed me to step in to provide that consistency.  It goes back to what I said about being a Dom.  The right Dom is one who fulfills the needs of the sub AND whose needs are fulfilled by the sub.  He’s found a way to do that by asking me to help and everybody wins. 

JenHow do you win?

Mike:  As I said, I enjoy it.  It’s a challenge as I have to be different with Chelsea in order for her to be fulfilled, which is linked to Jaime’s fulfillment as well.  I don’t want to get into all her specific needs other than to say it’s just different.  I enjoy the challenge and I enjoy seeing the results as Chelsea appears to thrive from my assistance as does her relationship with Jaime.  

Jen:  What advice do you give Jaime about improving his effectiveness as a Dom?

Mike: I don’t give him as much advice as I once did.  He’s made it clear he just isn’t comfortable with certain things and has abdicated certain responsibilities to me.  It frustrates me sometimes, but I get it.  If it just isn’t in him, then pushing him likely won’t benefit him or Chelsea.    The one piece of advice I do routinely give him is about stability and consistency.   Discipline, rituals, protocols, are all necessary and important to Chelsea, as they are to you, Kala, and any other sub I’ve known.   Providing a stable and consistent structure, complete with clear and timely consequences when that structure is altered, is at the core of what it means to be a Dom.  

That’s how I feel about it.  As you often say, there is no wrong or right way to do this.  There is only what works for your relationship and what doesn’t.   Whatever works, that’s what’s right for you.

Jen:  I think I am out of questions and I didn’t even ask you about spankings or sex. 

Mike:  Then you wasted the opportunity for an interesting blog because I think that’s what everyone really wants to hear about.  Shall I spank you for wasting your reader’s desire for spicy stories?  

Jen:  If you are giving me a choice, could I choose giving you a blow job instead?

Mike:  I will speak for you followers and require both.

Jen:  I love your decisiveness, Sir.

NEXT: 341. Dealing with Covid 19. Anxiety, Control, Donating, Talking… and Blanket Forts!