228. Addicted to Vulnerability (psst..and a spanking story)

I got a spanking last Friday after almost three weeks discipline-free.  That’s a long time for me.  I enjoyed the break.  I was feeling a bit down after many transgressions to end and start the year.  Constantly failing to do as Mike expects (and I expect of myself) wears on me and I was starting to feel like I was failing.  The nice stretch of excellent obedience helped reinvigorate me.  

THE TRANSGRESSION
Mike asked me to organize a bunch of family papers…insurance, invoices, tax documents, stuff like that.  I forgot!  He linked my inattentiveness to my prior transgression of spending too much time on the internet…”You don’t forget to log on the first chance you get, but you forget a chore I assign you.”

THE DISCIPLINE
He was working from home when he realized I failed to do as he asked.  He told me to get a paddle and the nipple clamps with the chain and come back to his office.  He put the nipple clamps on me and added some weights that pulled the chain down.  He had me bend over and he spanked me 10 times on each check with a paddle – so 20 spankings. I then had to organize the files and return when I was done (the clamps stayed on).

I returned to his office about 45 minutes later.  He removed the clamps, lectured me a bit, then told me to stand in the corner.  In about 10 minutes he called me over.  He told me to firmly affix the clamps back on my nipples myself.  He then had me bend over and said I was getting 10 more on each check and, “There will be more if the clamps fall off.”  There is always a bit of jostling to my body during a spanking.  The weighted clamps start swinging, but almost always hold.  I guess I cheated a bit and didn’t have them on as firmly as I should.  One fell off half way through, and the last one fell off on the very last strike.  Thus he gave me an additional 10 more per cheek.

In all that was 30 on each cheek, and in various spots such that my entire ass was very red.  He then peed in a glass and had me stand in the corner and he gave me a few minutes to drink it up.  It was a lot!  Luckily it wasn’t too bad, pee can be pretty tasteless at times.  Anyway, yuck, I know.  This was a bit unusual for a punishment but not unheard of and I accept it.

When I finished drinking he tightly clamped my nipples and told me to stay in the corner.  Again about ten minutes later he walked up to me and told me to take a step or two back and lean against the wall.  There was no count, but I was spanked maybe 10 or 12 more times.  He then told me to pull the clamps off…not unclasp them…simply pull until they snapped off.  Ouch!   We then had our closing ceremony and that was that.  Sore butt and sore nipples!

THE REFLECTION TRAIN
I am almost three years into my DD and find that I don’t reflect on punishments as much as a once did.  I accept them and move on.  But, with almost three weeks punishment free, it put me in the mood to ride the reflection train. 

First stop, give thanks.
Before considering a negative thought for even a nanosecond, it is best to first give thanks.  I am thankful not only for all that DD has given me — more fulfillment than I ever had in the ~24 years of marriage that preceded our DD.  But I am thankful for our routine that allows me to maintain the submissive mindset that I love and thrive in.  Spankings from our Maintenance Sessions and our “leave the house” policy (were I get a quick reminder spanking anytime I leave to go somewhere with Mike) showed their value during the almost three weeks I went without discipline.  

Second stop, doubt.
Yep, even if just for moment, I sometimes take a quick stop at the Doubt Station and wonder why.  Why do I accept this?  Why do I need this?   I think occasional doubt is healthy.  You want to allow yourself to reassess things from time to time.  It doesn’t take me long to quickly squash those doubts.  I simply think through the answer and “poof,” the doubt is gone.  I thrive being submissive, I love everything about my household environment.  ~24 years of non-DD was never as fulfilling!

Third stop, “What if?”
My mind then takes a stop at the “What if?” Station.  I tend not to stay here too long either.  Personally I find “what if” to be unproductive.  But sometimes getting lost in thought doesn’t have to be about finding personal growth.  It can just be entertaining, and playing “what if” can be like a short imaginary adventure (or nightmare).  I wonder, back when I first brought up DD – what if Mike had rejected the idea?

It wouldn’t have made him a bad person.  Clearly, this dynamic is not for everyone.  Where would I be..where would we be…without it?   Worst of all, I’d be the same controlling Jen I used to be.  Mike wouldn’t be as happy, I wouldn’t be as happy, J wouldn’t be as happy.

And beyond no DD, would it mean no Kayla in our lives?  That crushes me too – we love her so much!   And I guess we would just have continued our platonic friendly relationship with John and Donna?  Clearly no Matt, and perhaps E not opening up to us about her naturism?  My lunch bunch friends would just be lunch bunch friends, unbonded over sharing some of our deepest desires.  Sex toys?  Probably few, if any.  My nipples wouldn’t be pierced, my blog wouldn’t exist, and the list goes on and on.

I feel so fortunate that Mike was open to exploring this with me.  He met the vulnerability I was showing with vulnerability of his own.  It takes two to have a successful DD or D/s relationship.  I am so fortunate to have Mike embrace this as he has. 

Last stop, Revelation!

My mind then takes it’s longest stop in it’s journey — the  Revelation Station.  Is there something my thoughts can reveal to me that perhaps was buried in my psyche? 

It begins to reveal itself to me. 

The old Jenny was impenetrable, vulnerable to no one, but who was nourished by the vulnerability of others — some life crisis people would share with her, eliciting her advice and guidance.   On the surface you could extol positive virtues on that Jenny — helpful, caring, loving, nurturing, wise.  In hindsight, her behaviors can be seen in a more accurate light – she had a need to feed off the tragedy of others.  That’s pretty pathetic.

Sure, others received some benefit in having a compassionate shoulder to cry on, but that compassionate was more selfish — about my need to feel better about my insecurities, my shortcomings, my unstated desires, as well as to continue to cover up and suppress the desires I didn’t even recognize were in me.

It changed when I became vulnerable through DD.  Yes, I still like to talk with people about their challenges, hopes and desires, but now it is truly from a compassionate, loving place.  Through my own vulnerability, I feel complete, confident, and courageous.  I am more honest with myself than I ever imagined possible – more honest with Mike and those around me in ways that would have scared the hell out of the old Jenny. 

Honesty — yeah, that’s the courageous part.  You have to have a lot of courage to be so honest about your needs, your hopes, your desires.  It takes tremendous courage to make yourself vulnerable to someone.  But once you do and experience positive results, it becomes addictive. 

I believe that’s were my satisfaction from exhibitionism comes from.  It isn’t just about sexual exhibitionism.  It is an emotional exhibitionism.  I am thriving off making myself vulnerable.  I think that is what makes Mike so adamant about reigning me in.  As I said before, if it were up to me, I’d be putting all of this on a YouTube channel, not an anonymous blog.   

And I don’t do it because of any need for attention or “look at me.”  I do it because I discovered the key to others being truly vulnerable to you, is for you to be vulnerable to them.  It then feeds on itself.  And for a vulnerability addict like myself, provides an amazing high.   

I never really understood that before, but it makes so much sense to me.  I guess that’s why I have so many posts dedicated to vulnerability.   (67, 129, 134 and others. And now I get why, to fall in love with someone, you do this).  

Vulnerability is an amazing aphrodisiac .  Either that, or I am just an eccentric psycho succubus slut of a weirdo.  Humm..nah, that’s not it.  Ahem, well, maybe one out of four?  You’ll just have to guess which one.  HA!

Next: 229.  Heading to Splitsville?

227. Naturism Rant

I shared how my soon to be daughter-in-law was raised a naturist (aka nudist).   Since her revelation, we are now planning a joint vacation at a naturistt resort complete with her family, which we will be meeting for the first time.

Sorry to go on and on in this post.  I am just so fascinated by the things E shared.  So, indulge me, and maybe my next post will share something more salacious. 

E brought tons of pictures and shared many stories of her countless vacations growing up.   In addition to several trips a year to a resort, they lived close to a nudist beach that they would go to all of the time.  She also had relatives they would visit who lived in a clothing optional community.   

The pictures were amazing.  Seeing the total acceptance and comfort of everyone in their “birthday suits” was heartwarming.  All shapes, sizes, and ages.  It was beautiful.  I think it is difficult to imagine if you have never seen pictures like this or have never been to a clothing optional place.  It is easy to imagine that the first thoughts are likely of sex, debauchery, or perversion (or all three!).  It is none of those.  

The ease and comfort at which E would shared the photos was amazing.  Pictures of her naked with her siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, or friends – pictures that spanned pretty much her lifetime.  All just doing things that people do on vacation.  You can see the fun, joy, and merriment that you see in any family pictures.   The difference of course, is that everyone is naked.   It was beautiful to sense the lack of modesty and shame from every one, regardless their age.

WE WILL GO AS A FAMILY (likely)
There is a resort her and her family have gone to before that appears to have excellent handicap amenities, so we are likely going to take J with us.  We haven’t told him yet as we want to finalize our plans first, plus, we will wait until it is closer to actually going as he does not do well with any anticipation of any sorts.  As for the nudity, that isn’t even our concern.   We know he will handle it just fine.  In fact, he will be more comfortable and casual about it than perhaps my middle child, T2.   Although I haven’t talk to T2 about it, my oldest did talk to his brother about it.  As expected, T2 was not that enthusiastic.  He didn’t say no, but didn’t say yes – and it may not matter.  He graduates college in May and has a job lined up, so might not be able to go anyway.

SHALL WE ALL GET NAKED?
Oh, and in case you were wondering, E and I were both naked during her visit, and when Kayla got home she got naked as well.  Mike was at work.

E spends as much of her life as clothes free as possible, meaning she is naked most of the time she is at home.  She has immersed T1 into the lifestyle as well, and with little exception, she said he tends to be naked around the house as well.  Since Mike and I are fine with it, and obviously E and T1 are fine with it, we talked about whether we should all be naked when we get together.  Her and I agreed that as far as we were concerned, absolutely!  We would leave it up to the guys if they wanted to join in, or if Mike doesn’t want to allow it at all. I have since asked Mike, and he said he is open to it, and “we will see.”  That typically means “Yes!”

I asked E if she would want to disrobe if everyone else kept their clothes on.  I found her answer interesting.   She said for her it depends.  She has family members who aren’t into the lifestyle and it isn’t uncommon at some family get together to have a mix if clothed and nude bodies.  Some naturist family members are more “militant” than others and will shed their clothes whenever they can, regardless.  Others will tend to take their cues from the situation.  For instance, she will keep her clothes on if at the house of a family member who doesn’t partake.  However, if it is at her home, family members know to expect she will be naked.

She said whether we wear clothes or not, at her home, she wants to be naked even if no one else is.  As for our house, since we are accepting, she is comfortable being the only one naked if that is how it has to be.  I find this all so fascinating and just how comfortable and nonchalant E is about this.  I guess growing up the way she did, she probably feels us “textiles” are the oddity.  

E has immersed me in naturism etiquette and helped dispel myths I had.  Even though I see the beauty in it, I have concerns about the perverts out there, ogling women, especially young girls or boys.  She shared that it just isn’t like that.  There might be more of that at a public nude beach, but she has never sensed it or seen it at resorts.  She has heard of incidents though.  She said the facilities screen people and everyone can tell if someone’s behavior is a bit “off.”  They get reported and dealt with.

Of course, perverts come in all aspects of society.  They may be “of the cloth” literally and figuratively, or they may be nudists.  But neither infer perversion.  In all her experience, and that of her family (going back to her grandparents!) is that, of course it makes sense to be aware of weirdos, but it is no different if going to the mall or going to a nude beach or resort.

I don’t intend this to be all about E, but her upbringing is so intriguing to me.  She assures me the intriguing parts aren’t about nudism, but perhaps about the bohemian, even gypsy like lifestyle of many of her family members.  But briefly – both sets of her grandparents were nudists, and her parents met at a nude resort.  So she has aunts and uncles on both sides of her family that practice naturism.  There are some that opted out of the lifestyle, but most stayed in.  And despite the avant-garde environment of her family,  while there are a handful of artists in the bunch, most are college educated white collar professionals.  Surprising, but I know my surprise is simply because of my own biases.

EXHIBITIONISM?
I admitted to her that I have an exhibitionist streak in me, but, the feeling I get from exhibitionism is different from what I was feeling about this trip. However, I couldn’t articulate the difference I was feeling, only that the exhibitionist in me isn’t what is excited about going to a nude resort.   While I couldn’t come up with the words to explain what I was feeling, E put it into her own words. 

She thought of it this way – She said she doesn’t consider herself an exhibitionist at all, and doesn’t believe anyone in her family considers themselves one either (in fact, I think she was slightly offended by a perceived implication that they are related).  She went on to say that it isn’t about some extravagant way of presenting yourself.  It is about the most normal and human way of presenting yourself.  To her, exhibitionism is about “Look at me, look at what I am doing.”  Whereas naturalism is about telling people, “I see you, you see me, we are all connected as humans, so let us respect and treat each other with kindness.”

Yeah, she pretty much hit the nail on the head regarding what I was feeling re I wasn’t connecting it to my exhibitionism.  It is about the purity of it all that attracts me – the feeling of connection at a very basic core.  So simple, so pure.  And, in all the pictures she showed me, I don’t think there were any where people aren’t smiling!   It seems like a happy place to be.  Not because of the visuals, but because of the overall vibe.

She said for her it doesn’t even dawn on her that she is naked or those around her are naked.  No more than it dawns on a “textile” to notice someone’s elbow or arm that is showing.  It is processed by her brain as just “normal” and thus doesn’t even register as a “thing” to take notice of.  However, she did say that, just like someone with clothes who has a part of their body that is different than the norm, you do notice people who are naked that also have parts that are different from the norm.  But that doesn’t mean it is sexualized.  Noticing an exceptionally large penis doesn’t make it sexual, any more than noticing someone with larger than normal hands is sexual.  Of course, if you have a hand fetish… but I digress. 

EROTIC?
And frankly, the visuals, while beautiful, aren’t erotic.  I know it must be hard for some people to separate a naked body from erotic thoughts.  I didn’t see or feel anything erotic in any of the pictures she showed me or from being naked with her.  Once you have seen people of various shapes and sizes, from small to large you name its, from saggy to shriveled whatsits, crooked this, crooked that, cock-eyed nipples, cellulite, body rolls, etc., etc., you quickly see past the visuals.  You just see joy,  the humanity, see the person for who they are, not what they look like or are or aren’t wearing.   That’s the beauty of it. 

Ha, my first naturism rant!  And I haven’t been officially initiated yet!

YAWN, GIVE ME A SPANKING!
You know what?  It’s been awhile since I’ve talked D/s.  So, enough about naturism, enough about my research, or my youthful indiscretions. how about a spanking story?  I went 19 days without punishment until a transgression resulted in a pretty harsh spanking (are there other kinds?).   They have all been pretty harsh when they come.  But I am not complaining, giggle giggle!    I’ll share it on my next post. 

Next: 228. Addicted to Vulnerability (psst…and a spanking story)

226. Kink Research

As per our latest DD contract,  Mike comes up with something new for me to work on each quarter.  My first goal was weight loss.  I attained that goal and even lost about 2 more pounds.  I don’t plan on losing more.  I maintain an exercise routine (just less intense), and I still watch what I eat (and compensate a treat or two with some added exercise).    

RESEARCH PAPERS
Mike has me writing papers for my next goal.  It’s an opportunity for both of us to learn more about various “adult/kink/sex” topics.   The plan was a paper a week (13 papers), but Mike soon saw the benefit of more time/fewer papers.  Now, due dates vary, typically 10-14 days.  I am glad he did this as I not only want to do a good job, but we both learn a lot. 

At first I thought these papers would be easy and fun.  Well, they have been fun, but a bit more difficult than anticipated. 

NOT SO EASY!
I didn’t count on Mike prescribing specific guidelines like a college professor!   Things like, a definition section, complete citations from sources, provide insights into counter arguments that exist, and many many other requirements.  

Some people think a submissive is sometimes treated like a child.  In this case, it’s like being treated like a college student, with the caveat that a poor grade can result in a spanking!  But of course, I love it. 

ASHES TO ASHES
My plan was to use each paper as a post.  Mike had other ideas.   After submitting my first paper, he read it several times, critiqued it, we discussed it, and then. . . he burned it!  He said it was for the same reason as the burning ritual we have when we replace an old DD contract with new.

What was interesting to me is that I always interpreted our burning of our old contract as representing that our contracts aren’t continuations, but new beginnings.  I mentioned before that we burn the old contract just prior to signing the new one, so in that moment, there is no commitment regarding submission.  I am not “officially” submissive until we sign the new one.  It is ceremonial, but meaningful.  

To Mike, our burning ceremony means those things and more.  One, it’s akin to  bit of shamanism – it is symbolic to take the words that guide us and release them as smoke and ash…a manifestation of what has guided and connected us is released to the cosmos.
More importantly to Mike is that it serves as a declaration.  We are saying we no longer need these words as lessons  We do not need to cling to feelings or conclusions expressed in the document.  We are proclaiming we have learned these lessons.  We are free to take those relevant parts down whatever path feels better and works best for us, unconstrained by the specific words in a document that no longer exists.   By destroying the document we are prevented from becoming a slave to the words.  Instead, we are forced to incorporate their meaning into ourselves and into a given moment.

Yeah, pretty deep.  Not that Mike is never deep, but, it surprised me he put that much meaning into it.

I told him I had planned to use them as blogs, but he said no.  He even deleted the soft copies.  He wants nothing to remain.  He told me I could show what I learned by posting a summary, so that is what I am doing.   

GRADE/PUNISHMENTS?
Do I get spanked as part of some grading system?  There is no specific grade, but I have been spanked.  On my first paper,  there were some instructions I failed to follow and my style was too much like a blog (too much editorial) and not enough research.  But other than that first paper, we have simply just talked… and talked.  

That was also an unexpected, but a pleasant, surprise.  We have a significant amount of dialogue about them (and include Kayla in the discussions).  That makes this effort feel even more worthwhile.  We all benefit and the discussions are a great bonding time.   

MAYBE I DON”T WANT TO SHARE THEM ANYWAY?
After typing the two summaries below,  I don’t know that I would have posted the actual paper anyway.  I don’t want to add to the already over abundance of junk-science, skewed by either personal experiences or personal bias.  After all, I didn’t do any actual field research. . . no empirical data other than relying on works of others and my personal experiences.  And unfortunately, a lot of information from others was based on their personal experiences.  There just isn’t an extensive amount of real research at our finger tips.  I am sure it is out there, with the likes of Kinsey Institute, but nothing easily accessible online.

Plus, I feel it gets away from why I blog.  I don’t intend to position myself as an expert on anything, other than expert on Jenny!  And even then I discover I have more to learn!  Ha.   Anyway, I am happy to provide a summary on the ones I find more intriguing or surprising.   So, here you go!

SUMMATION OF ALMOST EVERY PAPER TO DATE
It’s this simple – “All things in moderation.”

Paper 1: Long Term Health Effects of Impact in TTWD
Specifically, I focused on spanking and bondage.  In summary, “all things in moderation.”

Spanking/striking:  The “no duh” rule – Strike anywhere too hard, and injury will occur.  

• The “fatter” the area, the better.  Be careful of areas with little fat.  Palms of hands and feet… hit too hard/a bit off target – lots of little bones that could get hurt. 
• Avoid lower back/top of buttocks, abdomen and sides – areas not well protected by fat or bone – as you can risk organ damage.   
• Butt is the best target.  Thighs are also good “fatty” areas to target but be attentive to aim (see next bullet).  Breasts are good too, but there is some evidence that repeated heavy impact could pose a cancer risk.  To reduce risk, some recommended no impact for those over 40 if family history of breast cancer.  One piece of “advice” (don’t know if it was fully backed up by research) was to allow bruises to fully heal before repeating – sounds reasonable. A target area I never considered – the base of the forearm.  
• Striking the vagina can increase risk of infection, including UTI’s, if it is enough to break the skin or the implement is not clean.  There are also many more nerves close to the surface of the skin, so risk of nerve damage if hit too hard.  Striking a man’s testicles is never a good idea.  Lots of blood vessels and other “tubing” that can tear or rupture.  
• Deviance & Desire has a great color chart regarding Impact Safety Zones.

Constriction:  The “no duh” rule:  Don’t constrict any area too tightly or for too long.

• Risk of nerve damage to the constricted area.  Pink no problem, Darker Pink/Reddish, okay but not too long.  Purple = stop – you really shouldn’t even let it get that far, and extremely dark purple is venturing into nerve damage zone.
  
• Constricting all the way around the chest should also be done carefully and for only short periods so as not to restrict breathing.
• Make sure the person being tied or constricted can breathe and is not at risk for falling over, rolling off bed, etc.  If they are unable to speak (gag, etc), have some other way they can motion to communicate safe words.
• Surgical scissors are must haves so you can quickly cut away at whatever is being used to constrict.  You can typically find them for about $15.

My Recommendations:  Longer, lighter strokes carry less risk than shorter, harder ones, and risk is the smallest when done on the buttocks.   The lower forearm is interesting – it apparently can sting similar to a palm strike but carry less risk – let’s try it! Binding or constricting requires heightened attention and strict adherence to common sense – No area for too long / too tightly. 

Paper 2:  Pee
Specifically, I focused on drinking.   In summary, “all things in moderation.”

Disregard anything you read about positive health effects.  Urine is mostly water and it is WASTE.  As in, it contains the stuff your body says you have plenty of:  various vitamins, minerals, uric acid, you name it.  Re-ingesting your own pee simply gives your body what it already said it didn’t need.  While it typically won’t hurt you, what’s healthy in that?

The risk is that your kidneys have to reprocess it.  Drinking excess amounts of your own pee for an extended period of time can stress your kidneys.  Technically, if you are going to drink pee, it is better to drink someone else’s.  Their waste may be something your body needs to absorb. . . but, I said “technically.”  The pee of others often has things of which we all ingest too much.

The psychology of it is intriguing and is what seems to attract those who partake.  It can be about the thoughts of ingesting something that once was in your partner, or simply the taboo of it all – accepting the “ick” factor of it all is an extremely humbling and submissive act.  (Some would say “humiliating,” and I’ve already shared my thoughts on humble vs humiliate).  

Taste will vary immensely, from practically tasteless (like water), to putrid.  Speaking from personal experience, it is typically very tolerable, which surprised me.  The more physically active the pee-er has been and/or the more water they have been drinking, the more tasteless their pee.  If they take a lot of vitamins and/or have been inactive, the body gets rid of excess vitamins/minerals via pee, causing a worse taste.  And the pee drinkers biggest enemy?  Asparagus and garlic eaters!

Asparagus contains mercaptan, also found in rotten eggs and garlic.  The byproduct produced by the stomach in processing the mercaptan is quite pungent – in smell and taste.  This byproduct makes it way into our pee.  And here’s a factoid – not everyone experiences this.  Our genetic make-up may be such that our body effectively breaks down and absorbs mercaptan without the byproduct, meaning it doesn’t end up in our pee.    

MORE PAPERS?
I don’t know yet how many summaries I’ll share.  Here are the topics of others:  Perspectives on HOH/Spankings from Different Cultures and Religions.  The Ins and Outs of Anal Sex.  Beyond the Kama Sutra (positions involving FF, FMF, MMF).  Sex Toy Review.  Penis Size. Oral Sex: Techniques and Health.  Polyamory.

There are still two more topics that Mike hasn’t given me yet.  He is open to ideas.  Anyone?

While these papers have been an interesting exercise, when it comes to anything to do with sex and kink, it comes down to this – we all disregard any evidence that doesn’t support our personal experiences and views and tend to remember only the evidence that supports our personal experiences and views.

Researching sex and kink can be a lot like what you get out of researching religion and politics – your conclusions tend to support what you already believe.  I am not knocking religion or politics, and of course am not knocking sex or kink.  It’s just human nature.  Despite my efforts to always be open to other ways of thinking and being, and despite my efforts to try and always challenge my own biases, those biases can be very hard for me to recognize.  Anyway, wouldn’t you just rather hear about my D/s?  Afterall, I did get a spanking on Friday after almost three weeks punishment free!

Next: 227. Naturism Rant

225. Pansexual, a skinny dip, and my “first time.”

I’ve shared a couple of stories of my youth — Post 64. Strip Quarters and Post 73. Pube Shaving Party.  Since I’ve brought up naturism, in my last two posts, now seems like a good time to share one more story of my youth.  Before I do . . . 

NUDIST VS NATURIST
I learned from E, the preferred term is “naturist” not “nudist.”  To some, nudity connotes sex, whereas naturist connotes nature.  “Naturist” was coined about 125 years ago by those who partook in the nude lifestyle.  “Nudist” was a term created about 90 years ago by media.  Focusing on nudity gave it a more prurient connotation, at a minimum to sensationalize it, at worst to vilify it.  The words are often used interchangeably now, but E is sensitive to the differences in what they mean to her, so, I too will use the word naturist.   

Naturism can go deeper than simply rejecting clothes.  It can encompass how we embrace nature.  E said her parents have a minimalist lifestyle, concerned about keeping a “reasonably small carbon footprint.”  They don’t shun electricity or modern advancements – they own a car and have all the modern conveniences.  They keep their possessions to a minimum and focus on conservation and recycling.   

We haven’t met them yet as they live in another state.  It is possible we may meet them at the naturist resort we are looking into.  It will be an interesting introduction for us, to say the least.

YOUNG JENNY GOES SKINNY DIPPING
In my prior post I shared my fondness of being naked.  That fondness plays a role in my first orgasmic sexual experience (not counting masturbation).  I think I mentioned before, but if not, I had sex with a girl before I had sex with a boy.  By the time I had sex with a boy I was a very experienced virgin – but that will have to be another story.

The sex would have happened without the skinny dipping, but I wanted to share the full story to illustrate my penchant for baring it all, even when I was younger.  

It was the summer between 8th and 9th grade.  I was 13, Amy was 14.  She is just two weeks shy of being a full year older than me.  With my birthday being just before the cut off to start school, and her age is just after the cut off, we were in the same grade despite an almost one year age difference.  I was often the youngest in my class, she the oldest.  Not a big deal, but it can be at that age, especially when it comes to physical maturity.  Adding to her 11 month head start, she was an early bloomer, I was a late one.  Yeah, she had boobies way before me.   

Amy’s parents had a really nice house with a large pool in their backyard.  The backyard was secluded, at the top of a steep hill with no houses behind it.  The two houses on either side were offset such that they didn’t have much of a view of the pool, and any potential view was obscured by many trees.  They had a gravel driveway, which, while out of view, was actually close to the pool and made enough noise that you could always hear any car driving up.  The perfect storm for clandestine teenage activities. 

We had seen each other naked countless times throughout childhood.  Amy was well aware of, and subject to, my proclivity to be in the buff.  I would often swim naked when her parents and brother weren’t home and even stay naked after the swim.  For years she refused to doff her swimsuit.  One day she finally relented.

From then on it became routine for us to swim naked if her parents were at work and her older brother wasn’t home.  It was comical because each time we heard a noise she would scurry to put her suit on.  Well, it wasn’t long until her brother caught us.  He was with a friend who parked at the curb and walked up to the house, thus we didn’t hear them.

He was 18 and had just graduated high school.  He was a “man” in my mind, plus was Amy’s dorky older brother.  No one was interested or thinking anything about sex (at least I wasn’t and I don’t think he was).  I wasn’t embarrassed, but Amy surely was and was yelling, “Don’t tell mom and dad, don’t tell mom and dad!” I calmly walked over, naked as can be, and talked to him and his friend.  I bargained with him not to tell.

He said no to my offer for him and his friend to simply join us in our “clothing optional” swim (much to the chagrin of his friend).  But, it didn’t take any convincing to get him to accept the offer of feeling free to watch me that day or any other day.  That, plus, he had to agree to not tell anyone else or invite any other of his friends over.

I was happy because it meant more opportunities to be naked as we didn’t have to worry about her brother being home.  By the way, in retrospect the thought of this horrifies me.  I put myself in a very vulnerable situation being naked in front of two 18-19 year old guys.  Even though I had every reason to trust Amy’s brother, I didn’t even know his friend.  In hindsight I was foolish and very fortunate that they both ended up being deserving of that trust.

At first Amy decided swimming naked in front of her brother was too much for her, so she kept her suit on.  Once again, eventually she said, “What the hell,” and went naked.  At first we got a lot of attention, her brother and/or his friend  would hang out by the pool and watch.  But eventually they tired of it other than an occasional peek out the window.  

MY FIRST “REAL” SEXUAL EXPERIENCE
If you’re keeping score, both Amy and I had boyfriends in 8th grade that we allowed to feel us up.  She had even let her boyfriend suck on her breasts — I was the prude who hadn’t gone that far.  Ha!   Beyond that, there was some rubbing of privates over the pants, but neither of us had “touched dick” nor been fingered (other than by our self via masturbation).  And we had both experienced orgasms, but again, only through masturbation.  Okay, back to the story. . .

After one of our swims, Amy and I were in her bathroom drying our hair.  We had bottoms on but no tops.  We were talking about things we often talked about – such as boys!  The conversation turned to another common topic of ours – our breasts.  More precisely, her abundance and my lack of.  This was a normal conversation for us to have.  It was not sexual.  We always openly talked with each other about our bodies, even about masturbation.

At some point I asked her if I could feel her boobs.  I was just curious.  I had actually done this once before, about a year or two earlier, but they were much bigger now.  She said yes, so away I went.  Unlike before, this time I really went!  She stood in front of me as I played with one, then the other, then both at the same time.  Squeezing, poking, prodding, and pressing and pulling her nipples between my fingers. 

I don’t know how long I did it for, but it surpassed the length of time to qualify as platonic.   While my eyes were focused on her breasts, I became aware of her breathing as her chest would slowly expand and contract, and the sounds of inhaling and exhaling grew louder.  I finally looked up at her.  Her eyes were closed, lips were pursed.  I clearly excited something inside her.  

I smiled.  Even though it was not my intent, I knew she was feeling something sexual.  I kept playing with her breasts until her eyes opened.  When she saw me looking into her eyes she quickly got embarrassed and said, “Okay, enough of playing with my boobs, let’s get dressed.”  I could tell she was uncomfortable so I didn’t say anything about it.  That was that.

The next day we were hanging out in her room and Amy says, “Hey, it’s not fair you got to feel me up.  I want to feel you up now.”   I took it as her just teasing me and said, “I did NOT feel you up, I was just curious to know what they felt like.”  She continued teasing and said “yes you did, yes you did.”  I finally said “Fine, then if it will shut you up, then go ahead, feel me too.”  She did.

She also felt and felt and felt.  Needless to say, she also excited something in me.  I started to feel her up too.  We played with each other’s breasts for quite a while.  I actually don’t remember who went first, but at some point we began sucking on each others breasts.  And that was that.

That night I remember masturbating to thoughts of Amy.  The first time I ever had such thoughts.  I didn’t feel bad for thinking this way.  It was the early 80’s, I didn’t know anyone who was gay or bisexual, or even really know much about the terms.  I didn’t even connect my feelings with any of those terms.  It wasn’t about feeling “that way” about girls.  It was simply feeling that way about my friend Amy. 

The next day, at Amy’s, we stayed in her room the entire time.  We got naked, kissed for the first time, fondled, and fingered until each of us had an orgasm.  This was the first time that, other than through masturbation, we had been brought to climax.  We went on to frequently have sex, eventually advancing to oral sex as well.  And that was that.

PANSEXUAL
Amy and I continued having sex throughout high school and college.   All along it was important to me to make the distinction in my mind that I wasn’t attracted to girls, I was just attracted to Amy.

Only recently has it dawned on me that such a distinction is stupid.  Why did I feel it was so important to make this distinction?  I mean, I didn’t like every guy I saw, but I never felt compelled to make the distinction that any attraction to a guy was about the person versus the gender.  That was just too obvious!  So why then was it so important for me to make that distinction about Amy?

I think that it is simply due to the negative baggage society puts on us when we are attracted to the same sex.  As if you are attracted to one person of the same sex you must be a sexual deviant that wants to have sex with every person of the same sex  – thus, my distinction was important to me.  This is, of course, just societal bull shit.  

As I eventually came to understand, my sexual attractions, men or women, are based on the person, not the gender.  And it is fortunate we now have a name for this – pansexual.  No negative connotations, no negative societal bull shit baggage.  We didn’t have that term back in the early 80’s.  Pansexual!   That’s me!

Next: Post 226. Kink Research

224. It’s all good: Behavior, Life, Love, Openness, Nudity

I feel so alive right now and in such a good groove on so many levels.

BEHAVIOR IS GOOD
I haven’t been disciplined in just over two weeks now.  I didn’t even get a chance to share my last spanking, so here it is in brevity.

I told someone I email back and forth with the city in which I live.  That is a no-no, and a big one.  Mike is very tired of me pushing the limits of our privacy rules.  The spanking was significant, even more than the New Years Eve one, and include the very real threat of losing my blog if I ever again disclose things like that without his permission.  Mike has shown he does not make idle threats.   He means it.

I was going to have a post all about it but it’s been so long I no longer feel compelled to share.  Suffice to say I was feeling pretty down about it.   I feel bad for pushing Mike to the point he had to make such a “nuclear” threat.  Compounding my feelings was that it was all part of about 4-6 weeks of some major “submission” fails in my book.

It caused me to focus more intently on adhering to my commitments and it paid off – like I said, I am now just over two weeks since my last disciplining.  As much as I prefer not being disciplined, two weeks discipline-free makes me all the more thankful for our maintenance sessions!  They have been welcomed and critical to helping me stay in a submissive mindset.  

LIFE IS GOOD!
Things are great on the D/s front, I am enjoying my volunteer work, J is doing great health and behavior-wise, T2 will be graduating college in May and has two job offers he is considering (leaning towards taking one in San Diego), and T1’s upcoming nuptials fill the air with excitement.  Kayla is wrapping up her first year of grad school (excellent grades), and seems to be in a good grove with her boyfriend, Michaud.  

LOVE IS GOOD!
Mike’s work is going well, and our relationship has never been stronger.  Mike and Kayla have also become exceptionally close and it warms my heart to witness it.  And my relationship with Kayla is strong as well.

We are human, so occasionally there are petty things that come up, but we hit them head on and talk about them whenever they arise – never let them fester.  Typically it deals with differences in how Mike treats us.  We all understand we have differences in our relationships with each other, in our needs as individuals, and in what Kayla and I thrive in as submissives.  But still, there are times we need to remind ourselves to appreciate these differences and not let them interfere in our happiness. 

Thankfully, such interference is few and far between.  I only mention it so as not to paint an inaccurate picture of constant bliss.  We are human, thus subject to the frailty of human emotions.   And a poly relationship with a married couple can exploit those frailties for everyone involved.   Thus communication and love is so extra important.    Love conquers all!

OPENNESS IS GOOD
Adding to all of that, it feels wonderful to be more open with who we are.  I know this seems contrary to Mike’s fervor over online privacy.   He draws a distinction between not hiding in the real world and being “out there” online.  He was feeling it was unfair to Kayla for us to have to hide things, as if we were embarrassed by it, which we were not.  And he felt it would be unfair for our kids to learn of it some other way.  And as for D/s, he wasn’t  enthusiastic with sharing, but he recognized it was also too difficult to keep hidden from those that frequently interact with us. 

He also knows my proclivity to push any flexibility he shows– if I had my way, I’d be on YouTube singing the praises of my lifestyle choices.  Thus he has drawn a line with what I can and can’t share online and expects me to adhere to it.  And in “real world,” he still does not want us talking about it for no reason or without his permission – and when we do, give the least amount of information as needed.

Oh, one major “openness” breakthrough with Mike has to do with Kayla.  At times when she has to be introduced, we’ve given the awkward, “She is a family friend who is staying with us until she finishes school.”  (Post 112).  This description always made us feel bad, as if we were discounting what Kayla means to us.  Now, if asked or if simply introducing her, she will be “my girlfriend, Kayla.”   Easy enough for me to get away with without people thinking anything of it, as the term has platonic connotations when I say it.  But Mike will also be saying this.  It will certainly raise some eyebrows.  I am excited for Kayla as I know it makes her feel very good – very valued – that we are willing to do this.

NUDITY IS GOOD
E’s revelation excites me.  I’ve shared a little bit about my upbringing in so far as some of the values championed by my mother than were instilled in me.  Here’s a tidbit I haven’t shared before that is both curious and humorous.  I was a child nudist!  

My parents told me my penchant for wearing my birthday suit began as soon as I was able to take my own clothes off – and even before I was potty trained.  Once i figured out I could pull a diaper off, off they came.  Suffice to say my parents had extra incentive to quickly get me potty trained. 

My mom said I would complain that clothing was “heavy and itchy.”  I think I had some overactive tactile response to clothing.  She would try to get me light and loose-fitting materials, but no avail.  By around age 5 we seemed to have negotiated an arrangement where I was always naked at home, but understood I needed to wear clothes when certain people came over or we went out.  My parents were very accommodating, never making me feel bad for wanting to be clothes free.  Their “everyone else has clothes on” seemed to convince me that I should too without feeling bad for preferring to be naked.

At the start of first grade (just turned 6) I got the “you’re a big girl now, going to school, yadda yadda. . . thus you need to start wearing clothes.”  I remember not understanding why it was a big deal to be naked at home.  I vividly remember my mom asking me at what age I think I should stop being naked around the house.  I told her, “when I have boobies because that’s what bothers people.”  I once thought this innocent answer was cute, but grew to take it as a sad commentary that still applies to society’s views on nudity.  I digress.

Growing up there wasn’t a lot of nudity (other than me) in the house, but there also wasn’t any shame in it.  If I happened to wander in at an inopportune moment, neither my parents or siblings cared – and any questions were met with age appropriate answers – much like how Mike and I run our household.  

On my seventh birthday, I boldly announced my decision to start wearing clothes around the house.  I remember it made me feel grown up to proclaim this, even though I still wanted to be naked.  At that point I confined my nudity mostly to my room.  My routine was after a bath I would dry off and stay naked as I made my way to my room and I slept in the nude.  It stayed that way all the way until college.  From there I got in the habit of wearing pajamas and pretty much retained that habit until embracing D/s.  

Today, being naked around the house has rekindled the “naturist” within me.  I loved it last year when Mike, Kayla, and I were nude on our Immersion get-away.   And now with E, I’ve found a kindred spirit in the desire to be clothes-free.  Fortunately, Mike is supportive.  We are eagerly planning a getaway this summer.

A question remains whether we will bring J with us.  We might go during the two weeks of the summer he spends at my parents.  But we also might just take him.  The nudity isn’t a concern for us, it is the accommodations.  With his disability there is a lot we have to consider, from accessibility, dietary needs, and entertainment.  If we can find the right place, we may take him, otherwise, we won’t.

Oh, this reminds me of a skinny dipping story of my youth!  Perhaps on my next post!

Post 225. Pansexual (and a skinny dip story)

223. Telling the kids: A natural/ist conversation

I have several half-written posts.  So much to share, so little time!  In addition to better managing my time by not allowing “computer time” to dominant my days, I also started volunteer work last week!   

I discovered the source for some of my compulsion to connect to people online was that I needed more social interaction.  I have friends, but Donna works part time and has her own duties and obligations to keep up with, Kayla has school (and Michaud), and my lunch bunch friends are just like a once in a while thing – although I’ve been a bit more chatty with them lately.  Anyway, I need more interaction with people. 

I volunteered at an animal rescue place.  It’s a small operation and thus I’ll be doing a little of everything, from some office work, cleaning up after the animals, running for supplies and even helping with some pick up and rescue work.  It’s just 9 hours a week, but that means less computer time.  I just started on the 12th.  

MORE OPENLY SUBMISSIVE
I have shared before that Mike and I are more open about my submission.  It prompted some discussions from family members where I admitted to letting Mike take the reins in the household.  Without giving a lot of details, those who asked were left with a clear understanding that I defer and serve him.  Their understanding about the discipline may be a bit muddied, depending on what they asked.  We were not explicit, but some did bring up the word “spanking” and we acknowledged that it happens.  

Kayla also calls Mike, “Sir,” in front of everyone, but we had some cover.  J doesn’t call him “Sir” but he frequently uses “Yes, Sir” and “No, Sir” in his responses to his dad.  It’s just become a habit, and we basically explained Kayla’s responses are part of the habit we all have now.  However, we think it is fairly obvious that something more is going on with us and Kayla, but no one asked. 

My sisters know everything and I assume at least one or more of them have shared this information with their husbands.  And of course the bedroom situation is such that I am sure my two older kids suspect something.  By the way, we have evolved to where the three of us always sleep together with the exception of one night a week each of us gets some “alone at night” time with Mike.

MORE CRACKS IN THE “SECRET”
Let’s see, I have shared some details with my lunch bunch friends, shared all with my sisters , then we have Michaud aware of TTWD, and then recently adding Matt to our “circle of trust,” and of course, there is John and Donna.  Yeah, the genie may not be out of the bottle, but the lid’s wide open.  Therefore, we feel it was necessary to tell our children a bit more about TTWD.   

Not all the details – who would want to know such things about their parents!?!   But definitely the basics of our choice to live D/s and that, in simplest terms, we are in a polyamorous relationship with Kayla.  We recognize the writing is on the wall.  They have to be wondering about things and it is only a matter of time before they find out some other way.  We’d rather they hear it from us. 

THE PLAN FOR TELLING OUR KIDS
We had our eldest son, T1, and his fiance over two nights ago.  After J was in bed, we talked. . . more on that in a bit.

T2 will have to wait a few weeks until we see him over Spring Break.   He will actually be a bit harder to tell.  He has always been harder to read emotionally.  He is more analytical and more likely to keep his thoughts inside and let them percolate before expressing himself — kinda like the old Jenny.   Thus, it will take time for him to fully form a reaction and thus take time for us to understand his reaction.

As for J, we will handle him a little differently.

J is 17 and I’ve explained before that he has a disability that also impacts him both cognitively and emotionally.  In some ways he is stunted by just a few years, but on other things, he is stuck at a much younger age.  The two best examples I can think of are, 1 – he has a very hard time connecting cause and effect.  Like, how his or anyone’s actions or decisions lead to something else happening.  2 – he gets tremendous anxiety over the concept of waiting.  In his mind things are either now, in the moment, or are never.

Thus he is very “in the moment” with things.  He connects to his immediate reaction and the reaction of those around  him  – no thinking ahead.  He functions best when assured everything is good in the moment, and whatever has to be addressed later won’t change the fact that all is good right now.  He also tends to absorb, reflect, and amplify the emotions of those around him.  If everyone is calm, he is calm.  If anyone is angry, he is angry.  And he has a sixth sense about emotions.  He can sense people who are uneasy or anxious – it’s really amazing, but the result his he becomes uneasy or anxious. 

All of this is to simply state that he will probably be the easiest to tell.  The explanation will be very simple and reassuring.  He already knows mom and dad have decided to let dad set a lot of the rules  and mom loves dad so much she wants to follow those rules.  We won’t explain anything regarding Kayla other than in nonchalant ways.  We will stop trying to hide any affection – like goodbye or hello kisses, or holding hands, stuff like that.  If he asks, we will answer.  We also won’t hide the sleeping arrangements or if Kayla goes with Mike on one of his business trips.  It will simply be.  If he has questions, we will answer them.   At some point we will do the same with extended family members.

QUICK BACKSTORY
Mike and I have always been very open with our kids about the body and about sex.

I openly breast fed T2 in front of T1 from when T1 was from 7 to 9 years old.  And J was breastfed until he was over three years old meaning T1 was 11-14 years old and T2 was 4-7 years old.  They were initially curious, and even asked to watch at times.  It was especially eventful when I first started pumping, but that too became normalized and the couldn’t care less when I did it.  

Mike and I never went out of our way to hide being naked from our kids.  We didn’t go out of our way to be naked in front of them either.  It was just one of those, if it happened, it happened, whether it be bathing or changing or whatever.  It was infrequent, but again, it just wasn’t a big deal.   

We would also talk about the human body pretty openly.  And we did not shy away from the birds and the bee conversations.  Suffice to say they were well informed on the sex education front.  Not that such things were common topics, but, during and throughout puberty it wasn’t unheard of for it to be a topic of conversation.

And all of this is my long-winded way of saying that overall I feel we gave our kids a healthy view on their bodies and on sex in general.  I believe that has made them to think fairly progressively on topics such as sex and nudity.  And with other values we instilled, I believe they also think progressively on topics such as equality, whether gender, race, sexual orientation, etc.   The prototype millennial! 

BACK TO T1 AND FIANCÉE  
T1 & E have been dating for almost two years, planning to get married in October.  We know her well enough that we felt we should talk to them together.  She is a modern-day hippie, oh, sorry, make that “bohemian” which apparently is the hipper term.

She is an artistic free spirit who has an incredible sense of self.  She is super smart – graduated high school a year early, and has a degree.  How  very “conformist” of her, hee hee – it’s nice that she values formal education as much as she does her unconventions.  She just turned 24, so is almost 5 years younger than T1, who turns 29 in April (and thus, she is just 10 months older than Kayla).   Mike and I both adore her and think she is a great match for T1. 

It was an easy conversation, both explaining my submissive role and our relationship with Kayla.   There was the, “Isn’t she a little young” conversation and a bit of the “ick” factor for T1 since he has known Kayla since Kayla was about 10 years old and he still thinks of her as “that little girl,”  plus, she is practically the same age as E.   As for the D/s, there were also questions related to feminism,  especially from E.  Ultimately she seemed accepting of my views on this.  

There was also the reaction that Mike must be doing something to make me do this – as if somehow it must be against my will.  I gave them plenty of reassurance that it was quite the opposite – it was my idea and our structure is largely as I have requested.  The conversation was easy, cordial, injection of fun and humor at times, and felt very good to Mike and I, and assume to T1 and E as well.  

AND THEN THEY REVEALED. . . 
And, as what often happens when you make yourself vulnerable to someone, it caused them to open up as well.  E explained that she is a lifelong “naturist.”  Something most people would call a “nudist” but she was clear she identified with the term “naturist.”  She is a third-generation naturist.  Growing up her grandparents, parents, siblings, and many cousins spent their summers at “nature camps.”  Her parents actually met at one as both sets of her grandparents were naturists.   Being naked is her preferred state of being.  Neither her nor T1 ever wears clothes around their house unless there are guests.  They have even gone to nudist resorts several times.

What a coincidence!  I was elated with this news since I have felt like a closet “naturist” my entire life – even when I was little I preferred to be naked, much to the chagrin of my mother.  Nothing sexual about it.  It just felt free and felt good.  And since adopting DD and being naked around the house, my interest in being naked has been rekindled.  So much so that I had recently asked Mike if our summer vacation could be at a nudist resort.  We had already started looking into some options and now I find out E is an “expert” in the lifestyle.  

The conversation quickly went from talking about our D/s and relationship with Kayla to talking about what her childhood was like and about places she has been, etc.   We ended up talking about planning a vacation together at resort she is fond of in South Carolina.  And, she wants to invite her parents and other family members.  Now I am all for going, but frankly, meeting them for the first time in this manner is a bit odd, even for me!  It all may sound weird, but it didn’t seem weird to her at all.  T1 was fine with it.  He said he has met several of her family members on trips that had taken to a resort and he has “bought in” to the lifestyle.  It isn’t sexual in any way.  It is simply beautiful, free, and, well, amazing.  

We even talked about all getting naked right then and there, and E was all ready to disrobe but Mike said, “I think we all have a lot to take in from our conversation tonight.  Let’s allow it to sink in before we go there.”  So, okay, at least E and I agreed that from now one, we wouldn’t bother to get dressed if one was coming to visit.  T1 sort of shrugged and was like, “Great, what’s next, a naked wedding?”   E’s eyes perked up and was like, “Yes, that would be so awesome.  Think of what we could save on the dress.”

It was said half-jokingly… but just half.  I don’t think they will change their plans of a more traditional wedding, but you never know.  Anyway, that’s one down, T2 to go.  And as I mentioned, I think T2 will be a little more challenged to understand and accept it.

Post 224. It’s all good: Behavior, Life, Love, Openness, Nudity

222. It’s only kinky the first time

SILVER LINING OF MY RESTRICTION
Mike went through my emails, blog, and social media while I was on restriction.  He knows all my accounts/passwords.  While he occasionally peruses them (and often reads my blog), he never spent a lot of time looking into my online world – until last week.  And it was very beneficial. 

He spent hours going through my stuff.  He admitted he got immersed into several blogs and into chains of various emails and text.  He said it’s like watching a television show or reading a novel and he wants to know what’s next.  He could see that I try to be helpful and it was clear to him people appreciate my insights.  He said it made him better understand the gratification I get from it all and the addictive nature of it.  

Not that I am going to have more “me” time, but, it was nice for him to acknowledge that he didn’t see my social media interactions as foolish or a waste of time.  Of course, he didn’t see the hours I wasted on Candy Crush and Two Dots.  Ha.  But seriously, he was very supportive of me continuing my interactions, so long as they don’t interfere with things. 

Not all of my interactions are with “virtual” friends.  Part of my recent time management challenge was that I also increased my time and attention with my real-world friends.  My focus on them began to escalate about two weeks ago, and I think this was the tipping point in being unable to manage my time wisely.

GAL PAL LUNCHEON
A couple of weeks ago I had a luncheon with my “gal pals.” (I almost didn’t get to attend per Post 211).   I told them some time ago that Mike and I “swap” with a couple.  While astonished, they weren’t offended or freaked out by it.  Hey, I still got invited to the next lunch!

At the time my revelation was against our rules (Post 132) but Mike and I are now more open about things.  Not a “shout it from the rooftops” openness, but, just not going out of our way to hide to it and honestly answering any questions.  Thus, I went into the luncheon with the mindset I was open to share whatever came up.  I expected questions in the wake of first telling Valerie I couldn’t attend because “Mike told me I couldn’t.”

MEET THE LUNCH BUNCH
Joining me at lunch was Jill, Shawna, Valerie, Barbara, and Gennie.  Yeah, pronounced “Jenny” but spelled differently.

Everyone is married (some on their second).  I knew Shawna in high school and Jill is her older sister.  Valerie is a former co-worker of mine and just a few years younger than me.  Barbara is a friend of Shawna’s while Gennie a friend of Valerie’s.  They both joined our circle a few years ago.  Gennie is the “youngster” of the group, in her early to mid-30’s.

Keep in mind us gals have talked about sex before.  No explicit details, lots of innuendoes and just fun giggly girl talk!   Yes, we tend to act very immaturely when we all get together.  Thus, while my revelation to them about swapping was “out there,” they all reacted well.  Shocked, but not like, “how dare you” shocked.

Casual dress code – for me that typically meant tee-shirts and blue jeans, just a bit of makeup.  I might even wear a spaghetti strap top and give no mind to whether I showed none, a little, or a lot of cleavage.  I never gave thought to “looking nice” for our lunch.  I mean, I wasn’t a slob, but my appearance was not a focus.    

LUNCH BEGINS
It didn’t take long for the conversation to turn towards me.   

“So Jenny, any hot foursomes lately?” Shawna has always been the direct one and loves to instigate controversial conversations.

“On occasion,”  I replied without hesitation or alarm. 

My response was greeted with some giggles, smiles, and at least one “oh brother” roll of the eyes (Jill has always been the more negative, judgmental one of the group).  But no one questioned me further. 

Several of the women complimented me on my appearance.  Yes I was rocking a dress from my new wardrobe.  Most of my dresses are jewel neck (no cleavage), elbow length in the arms, mid-calf length on the legs.  I also had on more makeup than usual and my hair was more neatly styled.

“You’re all dressed up for us?” I was asked.  ” Gosh Jen, feeling modest today?” says another with a laugh.   “Have a date afterward?” says one in a hopeful, excited manner.  Not to miss the opportunity for a jab, Jill added, “and is it with someone other than Mike?”

“Mike likes it when I make my outside appearance match what I am feeling inside.  Life is great, so why not look it on the outside and please Mike at the same time?”  I added, “And no, no date today with anyone but y’all.”  Yeah, I emphasized the word “today” for suggestive effect.  

That triggered Jill to ask in her typical “judgey” sort of way, “So, you can like date whomever you want and Mike is okay with it?”

Nonchalantly I answered, “No, it doesn’t work that way.  We just have a very small circle of friends that we have sex with.  And I leave it up to Mike to decide who is allowed in this circle.” 

And then Valerie said, “speaking of Mike, what was with him not allowing you to come, and then changing his mind.  Since when do you ask for his permission?”  And with that, the dam burst open.

REVEALING MY D/s
Without going into exhausting dialogue, there were lots of questions and answers that led me to share many aspects of our D/s dynamic – questions similar to those my sisters have asked. (Post 200 and others).  

I confidently and calmly answer questions, never getting defensive.  I see it as an opportunity to explain how I found a level of fulfillment and joy that I never thought possible.  Behind the salacious aspects of discipline and sexual adventure, the core of my submission is about fulfillment and I kept the focus on that.   

At some point, Shawna asked, “So are you bisexual?”  She had this grin because she knew the answer.  But, I also knew that she has had her share of experiences — we’ve been friends since high school.  I knew she was asking it just to see what kind of reaction it would get from the other women.  But instead of being the one to provide the shock she was looking to give the group, in fun, I turned the tables.    

“Yes, aren’t you?”  I said playfully.  She answered no, to which I followed in a very leading way, “Come on, never?  That’s not what I heard.  Not even experimented?

She tried to deflect, “Hey, we are talking about you!”

Knowing I “got” her, I triumphantly replied, “I think you all have heard enough about me.  Let’s talk about Shawna’s experience with being with another woman.  Do tell.”

EVERYONE SHARES
Long story short, Shawna proceeded to admit to her college experiences (yes, as in plural).  Instead of crossing a line in acceptable behavior, her answer broke the barrier I had weakened and suddenly everyone wanted to share.

Valerie, the more reserved one the bunch, fessed up she had multiple experiences, first in high school, another in college, and one she had in her mid-20’s.  Thus all eyes turned towards the three who hadn’t spoken of any experiences.  “No, not me,” said Barbara and Gennie.  “Not me,” said Jill, who surprisingly added, “but I did once take a shower with another woman and we played with each other’s boobs, but that was it.”   Of course, we had to ask for details, which she provided.  Ah, summer camp!

It led to more intimate questions and answers about threesomes and sex toys.  Valerie admitted one of her experiences with another woman was part of a threesome with her then boyfriend.  And Jill, who I think gained confidence in being forthcoming via her “playing with boobs” story,  then gave the group a shocker that I believe was bigger than anything I had shared.  I mean, the group already knew I was “different.”  Jill is a bit of a curmudgeon and typically not very forthcoming with personal details.

In a shocker, Jill then adds, “Well I had one with two guys.”  Turned out her first threesome was with her current husband and a friend of his before they got married.  Basically, it involved a lot of alcohol and they swore to each other to never bring it up again.  Then she added, “Okay, make that twice.  We did it one more time with the same guy before resolving to not do it again.”    

And as for sex toys, all but Valerie said they owned at least one.  Gennie shared they had a couple of toys, both his and hers, including blindfold and cuffs.  And while she didn’t share the details, Shawna said she had a “small arsenal” of toys.  As no one asked me for specifics, I didn’t provide details of my stockpile.

The conversations turned to more mundane things, what each other’s kids were doing, summer vacation plans, and what not.  Even so, I am sure anyone in the restaurant within earshot had a great story to tell their friends about the sexual exploits of this table of women they sat next to.

POST-LUNCH
There were follow up one-on-one conversations, emails, texts, and  Valerie even came over to my house to talk.  She is “somewhat” submissive by nature with her husband and the thought of some of the formal elements of D/s intrigues her.

By the way,  I have to get Mike’s permission to have a guest, and he decides about my attire or lack thereof.   In this case, he said since Valerie already knew so much, there was no reason for me to be clothed.  I forewarned her, and she said, “Fine, I get to see you in your natural habitat.”

While Valerie was the most inquisitive following the lunch, I did hear from some of the others.  It ranged from uneventful advice on a sex toy, to potentially life-changing advice on how to approach their husband with the idea of a threesome.  I have sort of become the de facto sex therapist for the group!

I love it!  It fed my need to help people solve their issues.  The absence of rejection from anyone in the group emboldens me even further.  I am energized and excited about sharing my insights, even more so than I always am.  However – I let that energy and excitement morph into compulsion, leading me to improperly manage my time – thus the punishment.

I am still going to keep talking with them, and my “internet” friends as well.  Just doing so once I have met my household duties and obligations.  It feels so good to be more out in the open about my submission.  It felt even better to see how my revelation led my friends to open up about some kink in their lives.

I told them, “it’s only kinky the first time.”  After that, it is just routine!

This is why everyone else’s kink is weird and gross and indicates something is wrong with them, while your own kink is totally healthy and normal.

Next: 223. Telling the kids: A natural/ist conversation

221. Restriction Pleasure?

Not THAT kind of restriction!  Ha.  Sorry, I couldn’t find an image to deal with what I am writing about. I am talking about having various privileges taken away, specifically the recent restrictions Mike used as discipline.  By the way – he ended all of my restrictions this morning!  Yea!

I am not sure how to organize my thoughts on this so this may come across disjointed and rambling (Hey!  Whoever just whispered, “Isn’t that all your posts?”  I heard that!).  I also need to blog a bit more quickly and not edit so much (Hey, stop that, I heard that too. Who just mumbled, “Since when have you edited?).   It may be better to simply see my stream of consciousness anyway.  I’ve showed you so many parts of me, so now we are really getting kinky.  I don’t show my stream of consciousness to just anyone!

I AM A FRAUD
I feel like a fraud.  My last post leaned heavily towards me finding healing, although I did admit I was not all the way there.  However, I boldly wrote, “When I next speak to Mike, it will be to reassert my commitment to him, that I will follow his lead.  I will ask him for guidance or suggestions on making sure I have reconciled my anger.”

Yeah, not so much.

Mike came by probably two hours after my last post.  He brought me a barbecue plate and other sides that they had made at John’s.   Instead of being appreciative, instead of saying all the things I planned to say, I whined and complained.  It earned me quite the spanking.  Mike even demanded an apology.  Something he has never done before.  I mean, I often say, “I am sorry, Sir” but this time he told me I needed to apologize to him.  Of course I did.  I felt terrible. 

Luckily, that evening, I was more in control of my feelings and was able to do as I planned.  The humbling act of contrition, clearly demonstrating my submission and surrender to his guidance – it was more healing than anything else I’ve done.  It felt good to verbalize my commitment to follow his lead.

Anyway, yes, the “restriction” thing really has me perplexed.  It wasn’t just missing the Super Bowl party.  It was everything about it.  I’ve never been put on restriction like that.  I really don’t like that punishment.  I can’t quite put my finger on why. 

DISCONNECTED FROM MIKE
It feels a little disconnected from Mike.  Clearly, he is actively involved in physical punishments.  But I also feel he is connected even when I am given corner time or lines.

With corner time he comes to release me.  Lines I have to turn in for his approval.  But restrictions?  They just linger around.  He doesn’t have anything to do other than order them and lift them.  He doesn’t even have to think about it until he is ready to lift them.  No physical investment and very little emotional investment.  I guess that is why I don’t feel connected to him. 

I never realized that it was important to me to have Mike more physically and emotionally connected to my discipline.  In some ways this could be interpreted as me needing his “attention,” but that is not the right word.  I never got into DD for attention.  I’ve known since the start of our DD that I enjoy connecting with him regarding my discipline.   I think that is it.  It goes back to my last post about self-discipline (SD).  Having him involved in furthering my SD is important to me, and restrictions just don’t give him a level of involvement that is satisfying to me.

DRAWN OUT PUNISHMENT
I also don’t like the protracted negative consequences that come with restrictions.  Being disciplined is a somber event.  Lot’s of various emotions like I shared on Post 178. Embracing Shame.

Being put on restriction is void many of those emotions, or, it extends some of them, such as shame, to the point it hurts.  What I mean is, the emotions I feel during a spanking are acute — intense and short-lived.  They end with the Closing Ceremony and I quickly reconcile my misbehavior with both myself and with Mike.  But with restrictions, the emotions are chronic – not as intense, but they linger throughout the entire restriction period.  It just feels awful to feel so awful for so long.  

Yeah, I don’t like restrictions.

SILVER LINING
If they have a silver lining, it is that after the fact, in looking back on them, it tickles my submissive-spot to know that I accept such discipline from Mike.  As much as I dislike them, knowing that he can put me on restriction at any time pushes all my pleasure buttons!    Oh, such is the mind of a submissive! 

Next:  222. It’s only kinky the first time

220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline

Continued from prior post
I ask myself a simple question, “Can submission lead me to healing?”

I remember pre-DD Jenny.  The control freak who would rail against things she didn’t like.  It got her nowhere good, except the illusion of control.  It compromised her marriage and her family, making it less than it could be and should be.

It’s too early for me to forget my anger.  No, it won’t be forgotten that easily.  But, I can put it aside momentarily.   Just drop it over there so I can assess some things before picking it back up.

So, getting back to Mike’s decision. . . oops, what’s that in my arms again?  Oh, anger!  I thought I put you down.  Let me try again.

So, I know they are having a blast right now and here I sit. . . oops, dang it.  Anger, I thought I put you down.  Let me try again. 

So, why is it that I can’t make time for friends, family, and internet friends… Damn it!! Anger, I told you to stay over there.  Let me try again.  

So, I work hard, I do so much for Mike, he is treated like a king, and, oh crap, Anger, I told you to go away.   Let me try again.

Okay, it’s not going to work to think about what I did or whether the discipline was appropriate.  What does that matter anyway?   I did what I did, Mike did what he did, and I am abiding by it.   

I got to find my happy place.  Just for a little while.  The anger will be there later for me to pick it up.   Happy place?  Hum.  I got it.  Instead of focusing on the circumstances that have me angry, I’ll focus on the circumstances that led to my embracing Domestic Discipline, because, after all, it is DD’s fault that I am not at the party. 

{ Cue musical interlude }
{ Cue reflective montage }  Pre-DD scenes of unresolved conflict segue to my search for answers, finding DD, and growing in submission and in oneness with Mike.  Now reading back on my journal, re-reading old blog posts, checking out some websites.

ONE ETERNITY LATER
Okay, it wasn’t an actual eternity, but I am back with a realization.  A very important truth about discipline.  At least, it is a truth to me.

THE TRUTH ABOUT DISCIPLINE
Discipline is the ability to control one’s feelings and overcome one’s weaknesses; the ability to pursue what one thinks is right despite temptations to abandon it.

For adults, it is often assumed we derive this 100% from ourselves.   That is, it is all about Self-Discipline (SD).

But self-discipline doesn’t mean we do it all by ourSELF.  We all have rules we must abide by.  Actual laws of course, but also generally accepted rules of behavior, whether at work or interacting with society.  Many also turn to religion, or counseling, or family, or friends, self-help books, or many other resources to help strengthen their self-discipline.  (Note these resources can be, but aren’t always, as loving, fulfilling, customized, or loyal to your interests as you would hope). 

For me, I found that when my SD fails me, I can “borrow” discipline from my partner.  And for me, that discipline, more so than SD,  provides me a greater ability to control my feelings, overcome my weaknesses, pursue what I think is right, and stare temptation down.  If only there were a name for this “borrowed” discipline!   Oh wait, I got one!  I’ll call it Domestic Discipline.

This is the essence of why DD and submission is so fulfilling to me.  It completes my self-discipline.

THE ACT AND THE RESULTS
With discipline, it is easy to misinterpret the ACT and ignore the RESULTS. 

The act of discipline is NOT punishment. 
It’s easy to think of the specific penalties as being the discipline.  Spanking, chastisement, being shunned.  Those are ways it is delivered, but what is the “it” that the disciplinarian is delivering?  

The “it” is caring. Caring for oneself when it is SD, and caring for another when it is consensual and part of DD.  Both SD and DD use structure to create accountability.  And the accountability is to the goals and ambitions of the person receiving the discipline.  It is about giving absolution and forgiveness.  

The result of discipline is NOT pain.  The result is enhanced communication, deepen intimacy and reinforced personal commitments.  Yes, SD is about better communicating with ourselves – being in touch with ourselves and our personal goals — being intimate with ourselves.   DD does exactly the same thing, but adds in a relationship component — better communication in your relationship, being in touch with our partners and our relationship goals, and increased intimacy with each other.

MIKE IS CAPABLE
I remind myself that Mike has been an amazing partner in our DD journey (and as equally as amazing pre-DD for putting up with me!).  He has shown he is the perfect Dom, as he is perfect for me!  He has done amazing things for Kayla as well.  His compassion allows him to treat each of us the way we want and need, even though those wants and needs are different.  Time and time again he has earned my trust and confidence as a partner in my discipline.

Being submissive is about obedience, respect, honesty, loyalty, and trust.  Honesty includes sharing your feelings, even when you aren’t feeling particularly obedient or respectful.   In the process of sharing my feelings I did “okay” regarding maintaining obedience and respect (I did overstep a bit, and was spanked for it), but frankly, given the fire of anger I was feeling, I am very proud of only overstepping a little.  While it may not have sounded like it, between the moments of showing disrespect, I was extremely respectful.  Once again, progress, not perfection 

DOM MIKE IS A BETTER LISTENER
Mike has been excellent at valuing my opinion and desires.  He does that MORE since DD than ever before.  Here’s an interesting observation –– With DD, my opinion and desires are completely optional to him.  Yet, he values them MORE then he did when they were freely given to him, unsolicited.  Things that make you go “hmmm?!?!”.

MIKE IS WORTHY
Mike is worthy of my allegiance to his decisions, including those involving my discipline.  Why would I tear him down and be disloyal by continuing to sulk about this?  I know he put a lot of thought into his decision.   Imagine trying to figure out the most appropriate discipline to an issue that strikes at the core of what I want addressed about myself.  Now imagine knowing that instead of getting my submission (loyalty, respect, trust), he sees that I think he failed and made a bad decision.  Every time my SD has failed, his DD has been there showing that he loves me and desires to do his best for me.
He’s earned my submission, even on this issue.  especially on this issue.  

Submission is not easy.  Instead of focusing on what I want (attending the party), the center of my focus needs to be on Mike.  My attitude towards him needs to be one of faith in him, not doubt.  I can begin to heal my anger through submission.

STILL CAN’T “SUBMIT” THE BAD FEELINGS AWAY
So maybe I am like 80% there.  I still don’t feel at ease with what I am feeling.  So I am looking beyond just being submissive and trying to look at some basic facts from Mike’s perspective.

MOTIVATION
What are Mike’s motivations for keeping me from the party?   He wants me at the party, I know it!  He enjoys having me there.  But what he wants for me regarding my ongoing behavior is greater than what he wants for himself tonight for one night of fun.  The fact that I place so much importance on this party is exactly the motivation for him to keep me from it.  My behavior warranted it.  Mike’s motivations are rooted in his responsibilities as Dom – responsibilities that I have empowered him with to help me have the discipline to be the person I strive to be for him and my family.

And what of my motivations to be angry?  Well, it’s basically “Because that’s what I want and I can’t have it.”  ‘Nuff said.

I haven’t thought of it before in these terms, but what submission boils down to, is this — Can you leave the outcome in the hands of your Dom?   I can.

No doubt I am accepting his decision in so far as I am not at the party right now.   While Mike knows I am unhappy, I didn’t throw a major fit (perhaps a tiny one?), and for the most part remained reticent about my frustration and disappointment.   So I ask myself what is in it for me if I remain in opposition to his decision?

There is the risk of more disciplinary actions if I remain sullen and cross.  But that is just a risk to my butt or my privileges.  What is the risk for my heart?   It doesn’t feel good to feel angry.   At least, not long term.  Honestly, having a pity-party does feel a little good.  It is very self-serving…. downright selfish.  But any satisfaction from “woe is me” is very short-lived and soon turns to dissatisfaction.

I look at what I did and I agree that a significant consequence was in order.  I appreciate that Mike feels this way too.  To reap the benefits of discipline, one must subject themselves to the consequences of their actions.

When I next speak to Mike, it will be to reassert my commitment to him, that I will follow his lead.  I will ask him for guidance or suggestions on making sure I have reconciled my anger.  While I feel much better now, I know from my past that sometimes I think I squashed a particular negative feeling, only to find it unexpectedly rearing its head. 

You know, I went to pick up that anger I put aside and it was a lot harder to see than when I first put it down.     

P.S.  I spent some time searching online for help in addressing my anger.  I found a great resource at http://consensualdominance.net.   Lot’s of great practical advice.  While it didn’t address my anger specifically, it served as a great reminder regarding submission.  I found the post on Submissive Resistance very interesting.

NEXT: 221. Restriction Pleasure?

219. I am Angry (and that’s okay)

Last night Mike told me I can not attend the Super Bowl party.  I am to use this time alone, while they are having fun, to do “all I want” online.   All the other restrictions remain in place until further notice and my internet restrictions will resume once they get back from the party.  I am not happy.  I am angry.

I didn’t sleep well.  I journaled until lights out, trying my best to get out all my jumbled rage.  Even with the lights out I let the rage play out in my head as I tossed and turned.  My mind was focused on how terrible it was for Mike to keep me from the party.   I am glad I get to finally type this out.  Writing always helps.

I rewrote this post many times.  Each rendition became less angry.  Writing is wonderful that way.  It’s good to vent, even just in writing.  However, I want to give you a glimpse into where I started emotionally.  I am neither defending or apologizing for these feelings.  They simply represent what was going on in my heart.   

While you will see I made progress in reconciling my anger, the healing process is just that – a process.  The acute, sharp pain is gone, but remnants remain.  I can sense they are slowly fading, but, they are not gone.  

I put this into two posts –  on on my anger, and one on my healing.

ANGER
When Mike told me the news, I managed to give a less-than-heartfelt, “Yes, Sir.”  I couldn’t even make eye contact with Mike when I said it.  Too many emotions bubbling.  

It isn’t that I am a football fan – it is about the social aspect.  We have so much fun!  I have so much fun! And the sex is fun!   And it is tradition – Mike and I were doing this long before DD, before John and Donna – all the way back to when we were first dating.  We hang out together for the Super Bowl.  It’s what we do and have done for over 25 years.  MIKE AND I ALWAYS DO IT TOGETHER.

I’ve been so good all week.  I was expecting Mike to tell me he was ending the restrictions and I was anticipating a day of fun together.   Instead, I can’t go to the party AND all the restrictions are staying in place (except for being able to go online while they are at the party).  Hrumpf!!! 

I was glad to have our Sunday Maintenance session before they left for the party.   They left for the party around 1:00 – yeah, it is a long and fun party.  Of course, because I am so lucky, I get to have my Maintenance before they go to have their fun. Yea, me! (That wasn’t too subtle with the sarcasm was it?  I hope not). 

I got all the catch up spankings that were “banked.”  Three separate sets of spankings for various misbehavior, and 28 spankings for errors he found in the 700 lines I wrote over the course of the week.  I was so anxious to speak that despite an awful lot of spankings and a very sore bottom, the discomfort didn’t even register in my mind.  Finally,  I get to speak!

I did my best to plan my words in advance – humble, respectful, and calm.  But in the moment, adrenaline kicks in (or is that anger?).  Despite my best efforts, anger is hard to hide.  Not only was Mike unmoved, but after one warning, I was spanked for the tone I was using.  On the third offense, he gave me lines.  I think he gave me the lines instead of another spanking because I actually made him angry.  He was aware enough to not spank me in anger.  Not that the lines won’t mean more spanking later, but, at least he will be calm.

I know he purposely left me my internet time today to serve as further punishment.  It isn’t lost on me that while they are partying it up, I am spending time doing the very things that got me on restriction to begin with.   Part of me wants to show him by not even logging on.  But, he did say, “you will use this time to do what you want online.”  It wasn’t a suggestion.  Plus the writing always helps me vent.    

I have never felt so upset over my discipline.  I don’t agree with it, I feel it is excessive, he is treating me like a child.  I am so good to him.  I have accepted all the restrictions without complaint.  I deserve to go to the party.   Just spank me and get over it.  I am not a child. 

NOT A CHILD!
I get the irony.  Spanking me somehow isn’t treating me like a child, but not allowing me to go to a party is?   Well, bite me!   Yes, Mike spanks me, disciplines me in other ways, scolds me, instructs me, etc.  I concede they are consistent with describing a parental authority figure.  There is no explaining or convincing anyone – you just have to be someone who is fulfilled by being submissive to understand it.  This particular course of discipline has me feeling like I am being treated like a child.

IF NOT A CHILD, STOP BEHAVING LIKE ONE
I admit it!  I am sure at least one of you out there was already thinking it.  My feelings match my behavior and thinking.  I am behaving and thinking like a child.  I am upset because I am not getting what I want!   There, I said it.  Is that so bad?  I want to be there.  

SUBMISSION FAILING ME
I want to behave the right way, I want to accept this the right way, I want to submit to his decision — even if it is uncomfortable to do so.  That is what submission is.  blah blah blah.  Sorry, I feel what I feel and currently my feelings goes beyond being uncomfortable.  I am mad!

Disagreeing with Mike feels awful, like I am undermining my submission.  It’s like I can feel my emotions are betraying my devotion to Mike, but I can’t stop them.  I am still mad and I still feel I should be at the party!

It disturbs me that I am upset with Mike for “doing this to me,” and it disturbs me that my heart, my attitude, and my commitment towards submission isn’t helping me deal with this difficulty.    I am disturbed because I know that isn’t the “right way” to feel, but screw it, that’s how I feel.

Take a breath — remind myself that anger isn’t an emotion.  Anger covers up emotions.  So, what is it that I am feeling that is triggering the anger?

JEALOUSY?
I am not jealous of Kayla. I am happy she gets to attend. I know she looked forward to it, not just the social aspect of course, but the sexual exploration.  Three men!  I do wish I could be there for that.  I trust Mike, as does Kayla, but it would be prudent to have another set of eyes and ears focused on how Kayla was doing – namely, MY eyes and ears.  See, it isn’t just for me that I should be there.  It would benefit Kayla!

I do feel jealous of Mike!  This is very odd for me and it surprises me.  I don’t like this feeling, but it is there none-the-less.  Why does HE get to attend and I don’t?  Why does he get to enjoy our annual day of fun and I don’t?

As I think more about it, I do feel jealousy towards Mike, Kayla, John and Donna.  Why do people I love get to have such fun and new experiences without me when I am supposed to be there and deserve to be there?

ISOLATION?
I’ve had a week of feeling isolated.  Sure, physically I’ve been home and others have been around.  But the restrictions served to isolate me.  I feel like there will be this constant reminder of missing this party.  All of them are sure to talk of it and share their stories.  I don’t want to relive missing out on it by hearing their stories.   There will be the inevitable, “Hey Jen, remember that Super Bowl  when…”  and then it will be like, “Oh yeah, you weren’t there.”   

I’ve been crying since they left, wallowing in my misery!  And yes, I fully identify with the feeling of isolation right now.

NOT WORTHY? 
It’s like Mike pushed me aside and doesn’t want me to enjoy what is our traditional and expected day and evening of fun.  He will throw that tradition away for what?  To make a point about my behavior?

I try to remind myself that submitting to Mike’s discipline has been a good thing.  Pre-DD, if there was something I disagreed with this strongly, believe me, it would have meant yelling and screaming – days, if not weeks of resentment.  Now THAT was childish.  Not only did that mean lots of emotional anguish, but it was often very hard to fully heal from those types of arguments.

Ah!  To heal.  That’s a great word. 

Maybe it’s time to focus on that.  Time to try and focus on healing my misery.  

I ask myself a simple question regarding my anger. “Can submission lead me to find healing?” 

Next:  220. I am Healing: Truth about Discipline