292. Kayla’s Triad Thursday Declaration

292

I’ve promised a return to sharing more kink.  Forget family time!  It’s time to appeal to more prurient interests.   Yeah, be honest, that is why you read a blog like this! 

Well, I guess I lied.  You’ll have to wait for one more post.  This one will be the set up for the sizzling and salacious, the depraved and degenerate, the indecent and impure, the. . . well, you get the picture.  It sets the stage for the “fun” stuff, in this case, a punishment.   Yeah, I am flipping the Jenny script and sharing the aftermath of a punishment, then I’ll share the details of the punishment on the next post.    

This isn’t even about a punishment I received, it is Kayla’s.  What?  “In three months of no posting you didn’t receive a single noteworthy spanking?”    Yep.  I mean, not that I wasn’t spanked, but nothing noteworthy.  Anything I share of the last two or three months would be indistinguishable from other posts about punishments.  I can’t motivate myself to write about something that is so derivative of prior posts.  So instead, I will write about Kayla.  What makes it noteworthy is that it marks an evolution in our relationship.   

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES
Like most relationship changes, they come slowly and as part of a change in someone. 
The “initiator” recognizes a need for change before the other person does.  The initiator often stays silent for some time as they first try to understand and reconcile what that change means for themselves.   Even once they do, they sometimes are unsure how to articulate exactly what this change is.  Then there is some trigger, a tipping point, and they verbalize this change.  

In this case, the tipping point involved a punishment Mike gave Kayla.  I’ll share the details in the next post, but basically, it surprised me.  Not in its severity – it was not severe. It was just very different. 

I’ve learned to trust Mike and not question or worry about Kayla in regards to her discipline.  In fact, it was exactly a year ago that I learned that lesson well re Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.  That lesson was about learning to approach my concerns from a point of curiosity and of seeking clarity.   This was especially important when it came to issues dealing with Kayla and my concern that Mike remain on point with providing the discipline she wants and needs.  

TRIAD THURSDAY – KAYLA’S DECLARATION
We’ve started calling our Thursday Maintenance sessions “Triad Thursday” since, about eight months ago, we turned this into a family meeting of sorts with me, Mike, and Kayla all coming together for Maintenance.   As Kayla’s punishment in question happened on a Thursday, I felt it was a great opportunity to find clarity and resolve my concerns. 

Kayla’s reaction to my inquiry surprised me.   She said something like, 

“Jen, this is a great example of something that’s been bothering me but I haven’t been able to put my finger on.  I know you love me and are only looking out for me, but that’s the thing, I don’t need you to be looking out for me that way.   At least, not when it comes to the things Sir says or does to me.  Even though your questions are respectful, it still hurts me to have you question his disciplining of me.   If you want to know how I feel about a punishment I received, you can ask me.  Don’t bring it to a Maintenance.  This is not a Maintenance issue.”

Followed by. . . 

 “I want to be treated more like a wife to both of you than a “lesser third in a TriadI don’t want you as a mother, I want you as a friend, a partner, a confidant, a lover.”

Wow.   Yep. Those were her words.  She said it didn’t come out exactly how she intended, but, that yeah, the essence of it is all in there.  It’s hard to hear someone say that.  Your mind just hears, “I don’t want you.”  Thus, my defenses were triggered, but fortunately, my defensiveness didn’t last long.  I credit my years of training as a counselor and my generous and empathetic heart.  Yep, it had absolutely nothing to do with the stern look and word my initial response got from Mike. 

Brushing aside my bruised ego, what quickly ensued was a meaningful dialogue between the three of us.  I’ll spare the blow-by-blow, but it was positive, constructive, and loving.  The short version is this — Our relationship with Kayla is two years old, and Kayla is now 24.   While she was always mature beyond her years, she has grown a lot in those two years.  And ” a lot” is an understatement.   Her needs have changed.  Not as it relates to her submission, but as it relates to me.   

I had given up on being a disciplinarian to Kayla some time ago.  Part due to my own needs as a submissive and part due to her no longer desiring it.   And when she first moved in with us I was very much a “helicopter girlfriend” as I was very concerned for her well being.   And while I didn’t do this nearly as much, I still hovered over her needs in a motherly sort of way.   She was declaring her independence from my motherly type concerns for her.   Good for her!   And because I have been prone to sarcasm, I’ll state that there was no sarcasm in that statement.  Only pride, joy and love.  

SECOND WIFE?
We have been using the term “second wife” for a while in describing Mike’s relationship with Kayla.  Mostly in jest, but there is a tinge of seriousness to it, as there often is in humor.  But we had never once used that word to describe her relationship with me.   But she was right.  What has been evolving, and what her declaration just formalized, is that indeed, our relationship has crossed over to be more of that of “spousal peers.”   That was the term I came up with and she said, “Yeah, that’s it, that’s what I am trying to articulate.”     

It isn’t that she didn’t appreciate how she was treated before — she loved how we have treated her and credits it with her tremendous growth as a person.  It is simply that her needs have changed, and she is looking to be treated in a way that is consistent with her current needs.     

She is no longer that young woman who wants or needs my protection.  She is simply that young woman who wants and needs my love.  I should not go to Mike when I have a concern about Kayla that I have not yet shared with Kayla.  That is no different than how Kayla has treated me since the beginning.

While “wife” has legal connotations, it also has a lot of emotional ones.  And Kayla expressed she wanted the mantle of that title, not just between her and Mike, but between me and her. . . albeit an informal, non-legally binding title.   And for her it isn’t about any of the legal rights bestowed on that title. She is not interested in any of that.  She is interested in the standing it gives her in our family dynamic regarding how she is treated by me and by Mike.  It was easy to grant her this and both Mike and I committed to treating her this way from now one, whole-heartedly.   

There were no ill feelings from our conversation.  I truly lost my defensive feelings very quickly.  In addition, Mike reminded me how important it was for me to be so involved in her discipline and be overly sensitive to her needs in the early days of the relationship.  Even if I wasn’t administering discipline, I was often providing feedback to Mike, and not just because I would easily give it, but because he would frequently seek it.   While Kayla credits Mike for how wonderful of a Dom he is for her, Mike was quick to remind her that it came with a lot of insights from me.   

With a little reflection, any bruised ego or defensiveness I felt was quickly replaced with positive feelings.  Kayla’s “declaration” is part of the success of her growth that I have played a part in.  Far from feeling defensive, I feel admiration, love, pride, and joy – both to and from Kayla.  

Now, I know most of you pervs are saying, “Finally, you made your point.  Now, just tell us what the hell Kayla did and how she was summarily punished for it!”   Next post!

Post.  Love is not Pie

18 thoughts on “292. Kayla’s Triad Thursday Declaration”

  1. From that “only guy in the room” perspective, at an early point in my 20+ year poly triad (then quartet) relationship, one of the things I had to ponder is how best to integrate our third into our every day lives. Sometimes, this kind of relationship is thought of as being an extension of an existing family, which makes sense, but how does one sort out the various roles a family has and more so when the only guy in the room has to deal with two women who are, by and large, want “equal” treatment in all things – and I mean that literally.

    The solution? Our third became our wife, in name if not legally. We both “married” her in a very teary and heartwarming ceremony I managed to whip up in my head and ring fingers got crowded; her children became our children and hearing one of them bellowing for Mom would get two responses and not just one and I was Dad, which would draw some strange looks when one of my children with pretty blue eyes and in need of some time in the sun would introduce me as his father. Emergency contact information for everyone had to be updated and, well, getting settled into one really big family – but one that wasn’t so much an “us” and “them” kind of thing was trying but necessary because one of the goals of a multiple partner relationship, I think, is getting that relationship to run as smoothly as possible and that requires a high degree of integration and inclusion.

    The problem: Favoritism. Before the big joining, my god, those two women drove me crazy with that “Which one of us do you love more?” thing which I should have expected – you treat a girlfriend differently than a wife, which is what made the solution pop into my head. Of course, as all married people already know, it wasn’t perfect but settling things into the traditional roles – husband, wife, mother, father and, for us, aunts – made day to day living easier than they had been.

    Well, it was easier for me dealing with all those head of household problems. But there’s only so far that sense of “equal treatment” can go because, duh, you’re dealing with differing personalities, similar wants and needs but differing ways to go about handling them. The solution all but guaranteed investment in the one thing any poly relationship has to have: A shared vision of how we’re gonna handle all of this and what things we can strive for as a family that’s invested in each other.

    And I’ll be damned if it didn’t work; you have to keep in mind that when all of this got started, I had no idea or information on how to actually do this – it was the ultimate experience in on the job training. By the time we added a fourth to the mix, the first act after agreeing to the addition was to have another joining ceremony and with all of us “marrying” her.

    The people who knew what we were about thought I was insane because having one wife is crazy enough… but three? But it gave them all a voice and a say in how the family operated, lent itself to an amazing growth spurt in all of us and, overall, had things working as smoothly as anything like this could be.

    Except, um, instead of one woman who had to be kept satisfied, now I had three and as the only guy in the room, if you think that was easy, I can assure you that it wasn’t… but I had fun trying. Still, the “married level of inclusion” can work because it changes the relationship dynamic, allows a kind of equality (which is truly impossible but sounds good) and ups the equity in a multiple partner relationship – it provides that true sense of belonging that is very damned important.

    So, Kayla’s wanting to be treated as a wife makes perfectly good sense to me and in whatever way that means to you and Mike. The trippy part for you, Jen, is how does it feel being “married” to a woman? Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you?

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    1. Awesome insights. Thanks for sharing. For us, we often talk about how “Fairness” does not mean “Sameness.” Fairness is about about being treated the way you want and need to be treated. Sameness is being treated the same, regardless. We don’t strive for or desire Sameness.

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      1. Equity, not so much equality. Which is funny because you don’t want to do for one that you wouldn’t do for the other, like making love; you make love to and with your partner… just not the exact same way since each person has their own “requirements” and those requirements aren’t always locked in stone or sometimes ya feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. If someone is down in the mouth, you try to lift them up… but that’s not the same for every person or in every situation.

        So there’s some “sameness” that’s pretty routine but, clearly, not everything can be dealt with in a one-size-fits-all way – but that’s why one does what one can and everyone pulls together in a more “one for all and all for one” way. In this, equitable works better than futile efforts to be equal across the board.

        But, maintaining the relationship’s equilibrium – it’s sense of balance – is just as important; never perfect but not precariously shifted too far in one direction or another. Probably why people think one has to be totally insane to be in such a relationship, huh?

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          1. What really crazy is that once you get settled in, you can’t figure out why you hadn’t been living and loving like this before now or what took so long to discover this aspect.

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  2. Wow! I haven’t followed your blog as closely as I think I will be. I’m always interested in triads, and reading this, understanding the feelings that both you and Kayla have, and how you worked yourself from being defensive to being there for her. Fabulous growth for you as well, I think.

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    1. Thanks. I am a bit disappointed in myself for my initial reaction but glad i quickly focused on her feelings and then understood where she was coming from. I forget sometimes that just because i am the “older and wiser” one, this was all new to me as well and i needed to grow too. I believe i have, as the momentary defensiveness was the only negative feeling i had. No jealously at all, which i am proud of. I am secure enough in who i am and in my love for Mike and Kayla and their love for me that the green monster is indeed dead. I am happy to think of her like a spouse, and happy to have Mike think of her in that way. We are three!

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  3. Kayla has grown so much! Also, I really appreciate how Mike reminded her that part of how he became such an effective Dominant for her, was through you. Yet another reason why you all enjoy such a healthy (and sexy) connection😊

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    1. Mmmm. Yes, the punishment description is something I look forward to. Very much! But this post and others about the relationship is awesome as well. Your description of what it means to you and Kayla to submit to your “Sir” over all this time and how it evolved has really been quite fun. In the beginning I wondered if this blog was real. Really?! D/s, and 3way, including the (former) babysitter! Too good to be true. But a dozen or so posts in it became obvious it was real and heartfelt. So thanks for all of it.

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      1. I have many a sore bottoms that can attest to the reality of it all. Hee-hee. “Too good to be true” is in the eye of the beholder, but I agree, my cup runneth over with various emotional and physical/sexual bliss ever since adopting DD! I’ve written that it’s amazing how many “doors” it has opened. I think once you are fully aware and confident in your sexuality, you suddently see the world of sexual opportunities that are around you. Kind of like when you get a car, and then start noticing all the other cars that are like yours. Yeah, kind of like that. Minus the spankings and sex.

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