31. June Butterflies – 10 day Total Power Exchange

I have butterflies in my stomach.  Not the anxiety driven type such as before a test or important presentation. Not the type you get from a great roller coaster ride. It’s the type that I haven’t felt since my first infatuation with a boy in middle school. The persistent tingle fueled by a constant adrenaline drip. The more I think about what is to come, the faster the drip. My heart beats faster, my mouth becomes dry, and my hands a little shaky and a bit damp.  These thoughts prime my sexual feelings and leave me in a constant heightened state of arousal. Any time I want I can orgasm in record time.

Two reasons for the butterflies.

  1. Social Event:  In mid-June Mike and I are going to a local event we found on FetLife. It’s a gathering of “like minded” folks to explore and share TTWD. It’s at a public place so should be filled with casual conversation.   I am very excited.
  2. Submissive Immersion: Mike and I are taking our DD up a notch (make that several notches), at least temporarily.  In mid-June my son is going to spend two weeks at my parents, which is customary during the summer. Our other son is attending summer sessions so won’t be home from college. That gives Mike and I some extended alone time

We decided on a 10-day submissive immersion in June.  A full M/s dynamic with total power exchange (TPE). That sounds ominous, and in some ways it is, but it is new for us, so I am sure our version of TPE will seem light compared to those that are TPE veterans.

I won’t list all the things that will be part of our TPE, partly because I don’t know what all Mike has in store for me, but also partly to just let your imagination run wild. Unlike our DD contract where much of it was my creation with Mike’s consent, our TPE stuff is mostly Mike’s creation with my consent, if you want to call it consent.  I went in with the mindset that I will agree to everything he comes up with. He has shared many ideas with me and I did not disagree with a single one – if anything I suggested some things that took his idea a bit deeper.  I wanted him to know he can go as deep and dark as he wants.  He has come up with some pretty wild and far out stuff, at least for us former vanilla-folks. Plus, he is free to ad-lib at will, so I can only imagine what kind of stuff he comes up with as we get into the later days of our immersion.

I told him this was about me serving him.  It is not about serving any of my needs.  As I shared before, much of our DD has been a bit selfish on my part where I set the rules and Mike carries them out. That just doesn’t work in an M/s dynamic. Knowing that these are things he wants to explore is what adds to my butterflies.  It excites me to truly serve him for his sake, not for mine!

It’s interesting for me to think back to just a little over a year ago, pre-DD. I would look at what we are going to be doing in Mid-June as insane at best, repulsive at worst. I had so many misconceptions about submissiveness – many that I am sure you have if you haven’t explored this lifestyle, or likely had before you explored this lifestyle.

Oh, and another thing I am excited about is that I am going to get my nipples pierced! Personally I was ambivalent about it but Mike told me to do it and that was sufficient for me. Knowing he wants it turned my ambivalence to excitement. I can’t wait to have it done. . . for him!

June is going to be fun!
Next: 32. Appreciate, Follow, Obey, Please, Serve

30. I found my thrill . . .

No, it wasn’t on Blueberry Hill, unless that is a new nickname for my buttocks!  Ha, you’ll never listen to the song the same!

I hope this post is not overly esoteric.  I try to get to the bottom of my feelings as it allows me to dismiss that feeling when I recognize it as petty or false or to own the feeling when it represents who I want to be or not want to be.  Well, I think I found a way to articulate why I get a thrill from submission.  Unfortunately, in typical Jenny style, it takes a lot of words to explain it.

I was reading an article called the Power of Openness and realized it could have been called the Power of Submission.   Much of the rest of this post is based on re-purposing the points (i.e., gratuitous copying) of that article to reflect how I connected my Submission with the concept of Openness.

As I look back at my life pre-DD, I realize I was living much of my life as an impartial observer.  I was in a constant rush to achieve my goals, pursue my dreams, and I was suffering from not having a free moment to myself.  I was overburdened and lived in constant stress.  What was important to me was truly unimportant in the scheme of things.  I thought I was living life, every moment, every day, but it was fake.  It was a hypnotic dream.

This dream was the consequence of how the mind works.  The article calls it the “nature of the mind.”  Once the mind has focused its attention on something, intention automatically appears to us.  “Intention” meaning purpose, aim, goal, or objective. Thus, for a goal oriented person as myself, when I take on something, intention appears to me in spades.  The intention will focus my attention, and by focusing, it must narrow my attention.  It narrows it down to a specific idea and narrows it further down to the specific desires and emotions connected with that idea.  At that moment, my life was no longer under my control, but under the control of the intention.

Put another way, I intended for my life to be x (and y, and z, and every other letter), therefore all my focus was on achieving x, and y, and z (and every other letter).   As such, my attention and focus, my entire consciousness, was obscured and narrowed.  This creates a tension as my alphabet soup of thoughts compete for top priority.  The “tension” of my intention made me have to use more of my energy to stay highly focused on my many specific goals.  The result was that my intentions took control over my actions.  I was not living, I was a slave to my intentions.

My actions were all part of my hopes that someday in the future, my intentions would become reality.  I would achieve my goals and would harvest the fruit of my efforts.  I could then rejoice and be free, having achieved some admirable hopes and dreams.   There are two errors with that thinking.

One is that assuming I did meet my goals, I sacrificed truly living and experiencing life along the way.  Is that really worth it?

The bigger error is that intentions are never ending.  The hope of making intentions a reality was a futile hope.  It will never happen.  I simply replaced one goal with another as there were so many things I wanted to achieve in life.  All my energies and time are limited, so most of my goals are inaccessible for me.  Even when I reached one (and I reached many), very soon a hundred new ones vied for my attention.

The act of focusing on my intentions was hypnotic.  That hypnotic work locked me up in a prison of my desires and objectives.  That hypnosis made it impossible for me to consider accepting a state of submission.  I was loving life, or so I thought.  What a falsehood. Although I was unable to articulate it at the time, I now understand why that once I opened myself up to the idea of submission, the sense of falseness in my life came rushing in and I immediately knew that submission was my path to truth.

Full submission is a state of pure attention, which is not narrowed down by any kind of desire.  This level of consciousness is not focusing on anything, it does not aspire to get anywhere, it plainly and simply is here and now.

That is the source of my thrill about submission.  I feel free, I feel clarity, I feel connected, I feel a oneness, I feel an openness.    I am here.  I am present.  I am now.

In my state of submission the fire of desire is not burning in me, my glance is not blocked and obscured by various opinions and thoughts.  My hopes are now in ashes because after a great deal of suffering, I have finally realized that my hopes were the sources of my suffering.  The openness that I have been searching for was available to me from the beginning, it was just locked up behind the bars of my intentions.

This is where the article I mentioned ends, so I am left to connect more dots on my own.

My hopes in ashes?
It sounds sad that my hopes were the source of my suffering, but I believe the point is hope is just a feeling that weighs you down.  Hope is not a plan.  Hope is like a giant “maybe” weighing around your neck.  Action is where it is at.  Commitments, Duties and Obligations are not hopes.  I freed myself of hopes.  I don’t hope to do anything.  I just do.  And if I fail in my commitments, duties, and obligations, I have clear consequences.  Once I am served those consequences, the failure is immediately dismissed. It is behind me.  I am refocused on the here and now, no “hopes” to weight me down.

For the author of the article, oneness is about total surrender of the physical, emotional, mental self.  It is a state of pure bliss.  Hmm, that’s how I see my submission.  I guess the unanswered question is whether or not submission in the DD sense or some other submissive “kink”, can provide the level and/or consistency of oneness the author is talking about?   Perhaps not.  We shall see.

I no longer mortgage my present for some elusive promise of the future.  Remember, even if a promise is fulfilled, it is immediately replaced with dozen new mortgages for a dozen new promises.  The more I think as a submissive, the more my mind is freed from my intentions.  As it becomes free, it craves even more freedom, thus my Sub Frenzy.  That freedom not only feels good on the inside, it brings with it a clarity of mind that allows me to live, every moment, every day.   I am more present as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, a daughter, aunt, cousin, friend, you name it.  I am living life.

Through my submission, I will no longer be a slave. I’d like to say “I am no longer a slave,” but I am not there yet.  As long as I have that craving, I am not fully free, I am not fully one.  Satisfying that craving is my new intention, and I can’t be free until I let that intention go.

And so my submission deepens.
NEXT – 31. June Butterflies – 10 Day Total Power Exchange

29. A girl has no name – a Submissive Frenzy

Your kinky ideas are needed.  Please read on.

As I watched the latest Game of Thrones episode I kept seeing examples of submission.  The faceless men of Braavos have basically submitted to whatever mysterious order they are a part of.  As part of Arya’s initiation into the order, she must lose herself, and thus, must lose her name.  That’s pretty deep submission.  Of course the upside is you get to shape shift and assume any identity you want so you can be a ruthless assassin, but hey, we all got our kinks.  (This comparison makes me a tad uncomfortable as Arya is only 15 or 16 years old, but hey now, let’s move on).

It also struck me that the sect called the Sparrows is very much about submission as well.   They marched Cersei naked through the streets as part of her submission and atonement.  Their goal is to strip a person of everything that is false so that only the truth remains.  Hey, even the High Sparrow has his kinks.

Lastly, it dawned on me that joining the Knights of the Watch is also an act of submission.  Those who “take the black” give up whatever life they previously had to live the rest of their life on the Wall.   Hey, even the Lord Commander has his kinks.

See a theme here?   I am seeing submission everywhere. 

I’VE GOT SUB FRENZY!
If you read my last post you’ll know I am struggling with where I want my submission to lead me.   I was fortunate to read a blog about Sub Frenzy and I immediately recognized that is what I am going through.  It’s reassuring to know that it is normal, but that recognition doesn’t lessen the hunger inside of me.

Idea #1:
Mike and I talked about attending some social events in our area that we found on Fetlife.com.  Our thinking is that being around like-minded people and having me be submissive in a more public environment may satisfy my hunger.  That, and there is that opportunity of perhaps finding others I can “perform” for.  I definitely need to do something to satisfy my hunger for submission.

Idea #2
Another thought Mike and I are tossing around is a “submission immersion day.”   We’d make it a one time event on a weekend when our son is at my parents and then see if it should recur each month.  The idea would be to have a really intense 24-hour period of submission.  We’ve thrown around different ideas of what that might look like, and even got some feedback from John and Donna.    I am open to any suggestions if you have any.  Please share!

To give you an idea of where our minds are, here are some ideas we’ve been kicking around.  I could be tied naked to our bed where I can’t move my arms or legs, I am blindfolded, and my ears are covered.  Perhaps earplugs and headphones playing white noise – just so I can’t hear what is going on around me.  Perhaps I am there for an hour or two and at any time Mike can come up and do whatever to me.  Spank, slap, pinch, insert, whatever.  And then he goes away and comes back again whenever.  The sensory deprivation along with the thought of not knowing what he’ll do or when already drives me crazy in a good way.   Other thoughts was that during our immersion day I would remain naked all day and if I come into a room that Mike was in I could only approach him on all fours and I can not speak at all to him until he gives me permission.

Any other ideas??  Please share?

Next: 30. I found my thrill. . . 

28. Losing Myself? (and a sexy story)

This is another story about our get-togethers with our neighbors, John and Donna, who I introduced in my post Putting on a Show.  I am sharing some emotions I have that I am still trying to sort out – PLUS – you also get to hear about my most surprisingly erotic experience ever.

This happened almost a month ago and I am still trying to come to terms with it. Not in a bad way, but in my usual self-reflective way of always trying to get to the bottom of a feeling. I was waiting to share this story once I sorted out my feelings; however, as I can’t seem to make any progress and though sharing the story might help. I feel a bit like a hypocrite, especially after a recent post boasting of being so  sure of myself. But, I never said I was perfect, and I know I will have moments of doubt. The issue is whether those moments are fleeting or long lived. Here’s what happened.

At a recent get-together at John and Donna’s, Donna shared that she has been feeling conflicted the last several times we were over. She stated that when she and John were alone they were M/s, but when others were around they were just John and Donna. Now that we knew about their relationship and the fact that her and I even display our submissiveness when we all get together, any time we were around she was having a hard time discerning between when to be “on” and when to be “off” as slave. She felt like she was often only “half on” when around us and it didn’t feel comfortable to her. She felt she was failing in her role and that her role is very important to her.

I asked, “So what does it mean to hang out with Donna the slave?”

Donna said it is different than Donna the neighbor as her submission is deep. It was physical, erotic, sexual, and psychological. It goes far into exploring the space between pleasure and pain and involves intense physical sensations and psychological scenarios that test and push her limits. While they had shared some of this with us and we even got to witness one of her floggings, she said that was only the tip of her submission. Full-on slave mode would be different, and we were about to find out just how different. John explained that once Donna was “on” that we are not to speak to her or even acknowledge her in any other way other than how John has directed. Basically consider her a “piece of furniture” that we can ask John for permission to utilize. Donna’s sole purpose is to serve John and be fully attentive to only John unless he instructs otherwise.

They asked us if we were up to that? I explained that when we got together I wanted to interact with Donna, my friend, not Donna the slave. Donna said, yes, they thought similarly, and had an idea to balance her need for submission and their need for our continued friendship and interaction.   Donna said she is accustomed to turning it off and on, but just can’t have this in-between state. What they suggested was alternating such that when they visited us, they would be “public” John and Donna, and when we visted them, they would be “private M/s John and Donna.

That worked for Mike and me.   With that, John said, “And so it begins. We’ll be right back.” John and Donna left to their bedroom. Mike said, “This ought to be interesting!”

Soon we saw the two of them emerging from the hallway. John was carrying various “supplies” and was leading Donna by a leash and she walking on all fours. She had a collar around her neck and a mask covering her eyes. She was wearing a black cupless mini dress. As he led her past us, I can see she had no panties on under her mini-dress.

John reminded us that we are not to speak to Donna. Further, Donna is not to make eye contact with anyone when her blindfold is off. John said Donna was there for his amusement and he has some fun in mind that we all get to share in. John tapped on this small pad on the floor near his chair. Without a word from John, Donna felt her way around the pad and then kneeled in the center of it. Her body arched at attention and her hands were clasped behind her back. “Good girl,” said John.

I mentioned before how gorgeous Donna’s breasts are. Perfectly shaped, firm, natural, 36-D’s on a fit body. Her nipples are full and erect, teasing to be suckled. Her pink areolas tempted me as well as the pink slowly faded into her bosom with the faintest of circular outline where they ended. Their puffiness was every so slight, further teasing an invitation to my mouth. The positioning of her body combined with the support around the cupless outfit further accentuated her voluptuousness. I was already in love with her boobs and now they were displayed to perfection.

John told us that Donna would be our entertainment for the night. John took off Donna’s mask and Donna stared forward, not making eye contact with anyone. She had a calm and resolute look on her face. Her stance, stare, and dress (more like undress) evoked a great vulnerability that I was finding highly erotic and stimulating.

John began rubbing Donna’s nipples with some ice. He circled her nipple very slowly and occasionally he would stop and just hold it in one place for a while. He then took two ice packs out of their freezer. They were about the size of his hand. He pressed the packs hard against her breasts. Donna took in a deep breath followed by many short breaths in until she just held her breath for about ten seconds before exhaling. Obviously they were cold. Her nipples stood even more erect than before. The wanting that was already inside of me literally made my mouth water such that I had to swallow. John then grabbed a crop that had this hand-shaped end to it. He proceeded to whip her breasts with it, focusing mostly on her nipples. John stopped once her breasts reached a pinkish hue.  Donna just gazed directly forward, as if all three of us where not there.

John walked over to a table and picked up a burning candle and walked over to Donna. He dripped the hot cream colored wax across one of her breasts. Donna pursed her lips but remained resolute. I remember watching as the hot wax made its way down her breast, only to harden and stop just short of her areola. He dripped more. Again I watched it run down her breast, this time it reached the areola but went around her nipple before stopping. I remember staring with great intensity, watching each drop of hot wax run down this amazing breast. Finally, a bead of hot wax made it over her nipple. I was really getting turned on watching every bead of wax meander down her breast.  My eyes would glance at Donna who was not making a sound. Her face remained stoic, except that her jaw was clenched. The visual of the wax going down her breast and the way she was surrendering herself was so compelling to me that I felt like I was feeling everything that Donna was feeling. It was very odd, but oh so pleasurable. I was getting really turned on.

He then handed a candle to Mike and told him to “take care of the other tit.” Mike walked over and began dripping wax on her other breast. Now it was even more intense for me as I watched Mike do this. Donna’s reactions increased as her body would rise up, tensing with pain, and then relaxing in bliss. After Mike poured four or five times, John then told me to come over and take a turn. I would have never thought doing this would be such a turn on. I could feel both the butterflies in my stomach and the wetness growing in my pussy. I remember even thinking, “Wow, why this such a turn is on for me?”

We all kept pouring hot wax on her breasts until there was a nice layer of wax covering every part of both boobs. I really felt that all I would have to do is touch myself for about ten seconds and I would cum. I was shocked at just how turned on I was… but I wasn’t complaining.

As John took our candles, Mike came over and held my hand. His simple touch set sparks through my belly and I could feel even greater wetness in my pants. I remember us both staring at Donna as Donna avoided eye contact and started ahead into nothingness. Other than her slow breathing, she didn’t move or make a sound. The serenity of the moment with Mike and I holding hands, staring at her sweet surrender was turning me on. John grabbed a flogger. He had us step back and he began whipping one of her breasts. He was hitting pretty hard. He kept hitting until almost all the wax was gone from one breast. Then he gave a flogger to Mike and said he could try and clear off the other breast.   All of this just turned me on more. Part of the turn on is that I have this thing for Donna and would love to have sex with her (she isn’t into women, and while I would so have sex with her, it’s been about 25 years since I’ve been with one). Plus I am completely in love with her breasts, and the whole hot wax and now whipping of her tits was getting me closer and closer to the edge. I remember thinking that if this kept going I would actually come. I had never came from just watching something. I always required a rub or touch or some sort of contact.

It took Mike quite a while to get it off as he kept having to hit harder and harder. I noticed that Donna actually had tears in her eyes. I know she loves this stuff and while it did have to hurt, she was enjoying herself. Another odd thing – her tears were just another turn on for me. They were not tears of sadness. I can feel she was crying for completeness. With each strike across her chest I felt I too was with her on that journey to completeness.

There were still little bits of wax here and there but for the most part the wax was gone. John then handed me a flogger and asked me to clear the rest. I was surprised how hard I had to hit in order to get the remaining flakes to start falling. Then, as I was working to clear one breast, John started hitting her other breast with the other flogger. He told me to keep going as well. So we were alternating. I would hit one breast and a second later he would hit the other and then I would hit again, etc.

I remember watching Donna’s face and as the very last flake of wax was flown off her beautiful breasts, these two long tears went down her face.   The entirety of the experience coupled with that ending was enough to put me over the edge and I actually came while I was standing there whipping her.

I stopped whipping as I came. At first I tried to hold back my reaction as it all seemed silly to me that this episode made me come. But then I just let it go as I figured it was too obvious anyway and hey, they had all see me have an orgasm before.   As I breathed heavily and let out a whoosh of air through my mouth, I caught Donna looking over at me and cracking a little smile before she quickly averted further eye contact. Mike said, “Wow, Jenny, did you just come?”

I admitted that I had and I shared with them that this was amazingly erotic to me. There was more to that visit that I could share but it isn’t relevant to this post and I’ve gone on for long enough.

The thing that has been weighing on my mind since then is what is it that I found so erotic and exciting? I really surprised myself about getting that excited and even now just writing and thinking about it gets my juices flowing. In addition to all the reasons I already gave about why it was erotic to me, I discovered the biggest turn on for me was Donna’s submission. And I find myself wanting to do it again, but with me in Donna’s place.

As I write this, I think I had a breakthrough. I believe I am becoming addicted to submission. I know that can be a real thing as the endorphins that get released can become addictive.   While I tend to be one to just go with a feeling, I am holding back on going with this one. I think I am concerned that this DD thing is going into a different stage. A stage of deeper submission, a dip into the realm of BDSM. I think if I have the three of them do to me what we did to Donna, then what’s next? And what is next after that? And after that?

Those thoughts scare me a bit. I am usually so sure of myself, but for this moment, I am not. That’s why I feel a bit like a hypocrite. Okay, so, we all have moments of doubt. The good news is, experience tells me these moments don’t last too long and clarity is right around the corner. I am too self-reflective and too much of a positive thinker to let this weigh me down very long. I’ll think it to death until I solve it. And, because of DD, I now have Mike to share this with and perhaps together we can sort it out.

It’s like I don’t know if this journey is about finding myself, or losing myself? Perhaps, to find oneself you must first lose yourself?
NEXT:  29. A girl has no name – A Submissive Frenzy 

27. Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission

— Hey!  Yes, you.  Please read all the way through and give me your thoughts on how you’d complete the sentence I give you at the end of this post.  —

Another post about my version of DD. If it helps you get in the mood, know that I am writing this while naked and with nipple clamps very firmly attached for the last 30 minutes or so. This is part of a Reward I earned. I can take the clamps off after an hour. Suffice to say, my nipples are burning. Mike is definitely getting creative with his non-spanking Rewards. So, on to the topic at hand. . .

If you’ve read my contract you know I strive to clearly state how DD works in our household.  As one who tends to obsess over whether intentions are clearly understood, I recently took the further step of codifying what  I call our Doctrine of Submission. I started writing it but had a lot of input from Mike.

While the contract explains HOW we do DD, our doctrine explains WHAT DD means to us. Both are important topics to discuss with your partner. As we evolve I know that our “how” will change, which is why we have set renegotiation periods for our Contract.  In addition, I know that there will be changes in what DD means to us. That is why I believe it is important to write down those beliefs.  Doing so gives us something to refer back to and alter, elaborate, or remove as necessary.  My doctrine is not going to be the same as yours, nor should it.   It should be about whatever you both agree it should be. It can be tricky. It isn’t just about what works for you individually because whatever your doctrine, it must work for both you and your partner if it is to be successful.

Our doctrine is:

  • Submission is Love.
  • Submission is Personal.
  • Submission is Mutual.
  • Submission is Beneficial.
  • Submission is Counter-culture.
  • Submission is Sexy.
  • Submission is Fearless
  • Submission is Sensible.

Submission is Love
Forget DD for a moment. Every day, each one of us expresses love in a way where we chose to voluntarily limit what we might naturally do in order to benefit others.   This is true whether DD exists in your life or not. It can be as simple as I’d prefer to have chicken today, but I’ll make steak because I know that is Mike’s favorite. Or, I prefer to sit and do nothing today, but I need to run some errands for my kids. In that context, we all agree those are expressions of love. Those expressions all fit the definition of submission.

Submission is also where I voluntarily limit what I might naturally do in order to benefit others.  Obviously it is about the degree of power, but regardless of the degree, everyone in a loving relationship submits to their partner in some ways each day. It may mean they skip the chicken for the steak, or it may mean they write their blog with clamps burning into their nipples.

Put another way, when some conflict happens in our household, instead of doing what I use to instinctively do such as argue with Mike, I instead show him respect and honor and submit to his wishes.  If he truly loves me, his wishes will not be unreasonable and, due to the mutual transparency, I will see that they are not and I will see his best intentions. Over time this makes it easier and easier to submit, and the submission becomes the new instinct. And remember, I am not brain dead in my submission. I have thoughts, I have a voice, and I do get to use them in a calm and respectful manner (which is why our Maintenance Sessions are so important).

Absolutely. Submission is love and love is submission.

Submission is Personal
Ultimately you must establish your own doctrine based on your relationship.  Each person in a couple needs to work together to define what it means to their relationship and each person must be comfortable with it.

The best thing about DD is that it is whatever you want it to be. There is are no arbitrary set of rules.    It’s all left up to what you and your partner wish it to be.   To clarify, I should say, I believe there shouldn’t be any arbitrary set of rules. I know for some they follow rules that they believe are set in biblical terms such as in Christian Domestic Discipline. That’s not for me, but again, it may be for you.

Submission is Mutual
What?  How can that be?  Every sub has a dom! That doesn’t sound very mutual?

Don’t confuse “mutual” with “equal” or “sameness.”  While authority may be greater with one person, there are still responsibilities that both people must correctly carry out. (“Correct” being a term that the couple has to define for themselves as we have done in our Contract).   Both parties have a role, and they both have their own “submissions.”

Mike must submit to our agreement that requires him to act in certain ways that he would not have acted if not for DD. And while it was not required, Mike has also naturally submitted to me through revealing more of himself to me than ever before (the “transparency” that I mentioned earlier).

Submission is Beneficial
Many people are quick to equate submission with enslavement. It does not enslave me, it frees me. It freed me of the burdens and emotional baggage that weighed me down. It freed me from my creed that once was a positive influence, but had morphed into chains of enslavement as I turned it into meaning that I must always get my way.  I know DD is working for us because it has made both Mike and I better people. We have grown in freedom, joy, and character. This can only be described as beneficial.

Submission is Counter-culture
We have been raised to admire self-reliance, strength, and independence.  Dependence is weakness, you must think and act for yourself, and you are inferior if you do or believe otherwise! These are the lies that are consistently fed to us.  Truth is, even our country (USA) was built on interdependence, community, and mutual aide, but I digress. Truth is we live in a complex and interdependent society and to thrive we must learn to acknowledge our dependence, as well as our strengths and weaknesses.  I am not advocating that you surrender to everyone in a DD sort of way. I am saying you would be more comfortable in surrendering to your partner if not for the societal stigma regarding surrendering anything to anyone. Culturally we are told surrender is weakness, when in fact, it takes courage, strength, and fortitude.

There is also the issue of potential abuse in DD and there are those that would call it abuse no matter what. I acknowledge there is potential for abuse in all things, including DD. I accept that you can’t have physical abuse without hitting, and you can’t have DD without hitting (spanking), but that doesn’t mean that DD is akin to abuse. No more than you can’t have a car crash without a car, but you can have a car without having a car crash.

Submission is Sexy
Surrendering yourself to someone is inherently erotic, as is the act of giving and receiving punishments. There is no getting around addressing how sex and DD will intertwine within your household. At first I looked at sex and DD as distinct, but now I realize there is an overlap. It is up to you and your partner to determine how much overlap.

There was a time when we are doing something sexual that I absolutely knew whether or not that activity was falling under our DD rules or not. Now, the lines are blurred and perhaps no longer exist. I believe this is because DD gave Mike and I the freedom to completely express ourselves sexually. So, when he asks (commands) me to do something sexually, or when I request something sexually, is that DD or is that just us?   The philosophies of transparency that I talked about in my prior post permeates everything we do, so the truth is, the influence of DD is in everything we do. DD is us.

Submission is Fearless
I believe submission terrifies many people because they see it as an absolute. A complete surrender of mind, body, and soul, which has no limitations.   Because of this they won’t even entertain the thought of submission. I believe this hides the real fear… fear of revealing ourselves.

I encourage everyone to fully reveal themselves to their partners. You can try to do this absent punishments, but for me it wouldn’t be the same.

Submission is Sensible
At first DD seemed irrational at best, insane at worst. But once I opened myself to the possibilities, I quickly saw how practical it could be.  Even though I couldn’t articulate it or possibly understand it as I now do, I still sensed it would bring me all the things that I have now received from DD.  I am a more loving person, in a more loving relationship, more energized, playful and respectful than ever before.  I am calm, I am at peace.  It just feels right and has made an immeasurable difference in our lives. It is functional, it is mindful, it is no-nonsense.  It is sensible!

The revelation that Domestic Discipline was Sensible is what motivated me to start this blog! I want others to consider the possibilities it holds for their own relationships. You can strip away the punishments, strip away anything sexual, and what I am advocating is for full and complete transparency in your relationship.  If you can find that without submission, good for you, but I would never have found it without domestic discipline.

There are other things submission means to me, but those are the ones most meaningful to me.  How would you complete the sentence, “Submission is . . . . “

I would love to hear you thoughts   Okay, just about time to remove these clamps!

NEXT – 28. Losing Myself?  (and a sexy story)

26. Submission = Transparency = Love

Where am I today with my DD?  No, this isn’t going to be about the latest punishment.  This one is going to be more the emotional touchy-feeling part of DD.  It’s my favorite part to share, but probably the least fun to read about.  So, “no pull-down your pants and bend over” stories today, but I hope you find it enlightening and thought provoking.

I am sure of me.
Technically I am a relatively newbie to DD, having started this lifestyle 14 months ago in March 2015.   However, I already feel like a veteran.  I have received far greater personal satisfaction from DD than I ever imaged.  I am at peace with myself, my thoughts, my aspirations, and my desires.  I am “sure” of myself.

I am sure of Mike.
My relationship with Mike is almost indescribable.  I can describe it, but it would likely sound like a fairy tale, almost delusional.  But the fact is, we are closer than ever.  We absolutely share everything and do so without judgement and with full acceptance.  The most succinct way I can possibly describe it is that we are sure of each other.  Sure of our intentions, sure of our love, and sure of respect.  This sureness translates into a oneness that again is hard for me to put into words.  I again refer back to the U2 lyric that goes, “We are one, but not the same.”   That’s Mike and I.

Path to Oneness:  Transparency, not Surrender
No question, we could have not have reached this point or have moved there so quickly if it wasn’t for DD. I often think about why that is.  I believe in order to get to complete oneness, someone in the couple must surrender themselves to the other.  To me, surrender is not about enslavement, it is about revealing oneself, it is about transparency.

A full and complete surrender breaks down every emotional wall that stands between you and your partner.  All sense of shame, embarrassment, and self will vanish.  Even though technically you are the submissive one, if you have the right partner they too surrender parts of themselves to you.  Once the “full reveal” is complete, both parties will have achieved total transparency with themselves and with each other.  They can now see, feel, touch, and explore both themselves and the other like never before.  This creates the self-actualization within both individuals, and leads to the oneness with each other.

Is DD the only way?
Of course not.  But it was the way for me.  For me, I can’t imagine getting to the level of surrender that would lead to complete transparency in any way other than DD.  If you can find some other way that works for you, go for it – but I encourage you to find that way, because complete transparency is truly amazing!

Why must one first surrender to the other?
I lack any research and can only surmise that it is much like a “you go first” mentality that humans have about revealing themselves.  Absent something dramatic, “the reveal” can take many years of incrementally sharing more of yourself with your partner.  I believe most of us go through life without ever fully revealing to our partner our thoughts, dreams, desires, preferences, likes, dislikes, compulsions, hang-ups, kinks, etc.  And I don’t mean just hinting around those things, but actually clearly and consistently sharing those things.   It is just too uncomfortable, even with a life-long partner.

Once one person fully surrenders, something magical happens that causes the other to surrender as well. Each person becomes “sure” of themselves, and in turn, becomes “sure” of each other.  While technically only one person has “surrendered” and is the submissive, both people have given of themselves to achieve total transparency in the relationship.

Thinking about that is so sad to me now.  I think of all the years that I wasn’t 100% present to Mike, and that he wasn’t 100% present to me.  In the past I would have told you our relationship was great.  I was oblivious to what “great” really meant.  Frankly, I didn’t realize this level of greatness existed.  I didn’t understand transparency.  Thanks to DD, I do now.   Submission equals transparency equals love.
Next – 27 Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission

 

25. Intense Spanking Part II – My most severe punishment

I was standing in the corner, naked, holding Mike’s belt for about 30 minutes.  This is the longest he has left me to reflect and anticipate.   I felt sadness and disappointment as I reflected and I felt anxiety over what was about to happen next.  Adding to the anxiety was that I felt this could be a litmus test for how DD is working for us.

THE SESSION BEGINS
Mike walked in.  My feelings rushed to the surface and I started crying.  Mike walked up behind me and gave me 10 warm up spankings with his hand without warning.  It surprised me because that is not our protocol.  My anxiety increased as I thought to myself, “He is already off script and it just started.  What’s next?”  I cried louder.

Mike asked me to turn and I knelt down in front of him and he asked why we were there.  I accurately stated what I had done.  As what was now a normal part of our ceremony, he then stated, “No, what brought us here was your inability to keep your commitments that you made to yourself.”  We had fallen into this routine where I would state the specific transgression and Mike would remind me that it wasn’t the specific action that was the issue.  I liked this as it kept us centered on the fact that this was about commitments I made.

This transgression clearly fell under our Intense Reward protocol, giving Mike a lot of discretion.  No limits in the prescribed number of swats or the level of force; however, the intent of an Intense Reward was that it be prolonged.  Thus, the forced that is used should be consistent with allowing a prolonged punishment experience.  I was ready for a prolonged session.

Mike lectured me and I took notice that he was very measured in choosing his words and spoke very calmly and matter-of-fact.  Contrast this to Pre-DD where he would have likely yelled things like, “How could you be so careless?  How can you be so inattentive?”  Instead, his lecture was caring and loving.  It dried up my tears as this wave of trust and love filled me up.  I felt prepared for whatever he had decided to do to me.

We had recently bought a 16-inch oak paddle that we hadn’t used yet.  I was still holding Mike’s belt and he told me to retrieve our paddle from our closet. When I silently walked to go get it, he said, “What do you say when I ask you something.”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded.   “Then I need to hear that after every command I give,” he said.

“Yes, Sir” I said.   Wow.  He hadn’t done that before!  He was in full-on DD mode!

I handed him the paddle and he told me to lean over and put my elbows on the bed.

“Yes Sir.”

Whack!  The first one really stung.  The paddle covers a lot of surface area and was a new sensation for me, and a powerful one at that.    Whack! Whack! Whack!  Each one was about three seconds apart.  By the fifth or sixth one it was really stinging badly.  I was squealing “ow, ow” after each one.  Whack… all the way to ten.  Wow, that was intense!

He then sat down and called me over.

“Yes, Sir” and I quickly walked over to him and laid across his knee, still holding his belt in my hand.

He had me  count out as he spanked me by hand.  It was about medium force, but it went on and on.  I remember with each passing increment of 10 I was thinking, “Oh no, not another 10!”   The counting actually gave me something to focus on such that even though my butt felt like it was on fire, it was still tolerable.  50!

He then told me to go lay on the bed on my stomach and hand him the belt.

“Yes, Sir.”

As I waited for the first strike, I remember thinking that my ass already felt ablaze and I had never been spanked with the belt in this condition.   Smack!   Wow.  Not only did it sting like never before, but it sounded louder than usual.  He was hitting hard.  5 came in fairly quick succession and then Mike moved to the other side of the bed and did 5 more.  I started to cry again somewhere during this.  In all there were 30 swats, 15 per side.  That’s a good punishment all by itself, let alone after what I got with the paddle and his hand.   I was crying quite a bit and when he said he was done with the belt, I immediately had to rub my butt.  It felt very hot…as in temperature hot, not sexy hot!

He told me to stay there on my stomach and he would return.  As he left the room I wondered if this was the end of the punishment.

THE SESSION CONTINUES
Mike returned about 10 minutes later.  He told me to get up and get the hair brush from the bathroom.

“Yes, Sir.”

He followed me in the bathroom and when I handed him the brush he told me to bend over and grab my ankles.

“Yes, Sir.”

The hair brush was my least favorite implement.  It really seemed to concentrate the smack in a very small area.  Mike knew I disliked it the most (or, to say it more positively, I liked it the least).

He told me he was going to give me 15 pretty hard ones and if I let go of my ankles he would start over. That was a new twist on a spanking, but I was in no mood to give him kudo’s for creativity.  I remember thinking to myself, “What was that safe word again?”  It is “Hold on” for a pause, “Mercy” to stop!

Thwack! Thwack, Thwack!  Thwack!  Mike counted out four quick ones.  I almost lost my grip but held firm.  Thwack, Twack, Thwack… and at seven I just couldn’t hold on.

Mike said, “We’ll, start again.”

“Yes, Sir, but hold on Sir.”   I needed to catch my breath and let my butt recover.   This was the first time I ever used a safe word.

I took some deep breathes and perhaps after a minute I told him I was ready.  Again four quick ones.  From the sounds they made it seemed like they weren’t quite as hard as before, but from the sensation, they actually hurt worse.  I held firmly and luckily he paused for a bit before giving the next set.   Again four quick ones.  I yelled out like I had never done before.  “Aaaaah, Aaaah,” but still held.  Then the next set.  Damn it, I lost my grip after a few more.

Mike calmly said, “We’ll, start again.”

“Yes, Sir, but hold on Sir.”

I needed to do something if I was going to make it to 15.  I asked Mike if I could wet a washcloth and bite down on it.  Thankfully he agreed. My face was burning too as I had been crying hard and also trying to keep my screams in as much as possible.  The wet washcloth felt good in my mouth.

Okay, ready!   Thwack.  He did 5 in quick succession.  He eased up a tad but it still hurt like hell.  5 more….I was still holding my ankles.  Okay, just 5 more and we’re done.   Thwack, Thwack, Thwack, Thwack, Thwack…. I made it!

He then said, “Follow me.”

“Yes, Sir.”

We went over to the chair and once again he had me lay across his knees.  I thought to myself, “This isn’t over yet?”  He still had the brush in his hand.  I was pretty sure I would be saying the safe word after the first swat.  Luckily, he put the brush down.

He gave me another thirty, maybe more, by hand. As he had more control over the intensity and in the placement, he was able to soften up when I would jump or squeal, and then hit harder and harder until I jumped or squealed again.  Hand spanking can be so much more thoughtful than any implement.  I definitely prefer the hand!

He paused for a minute and rubbed my butt.  He then reached over for the brush.  My tongue went towards the roof of my mouth as I took a deep breath and started to say, “Nnn.”   Luckily I stopped myself.  I almost said, “No!”   That would have only earned more spankings.  Luckily it came out more like a squeal than the beginning of the word “No.”

He spanked me semi-lightly with the brush, at least compared to what he did in the bathroom.  Still, at about 10 or so I just couldn’t take it and once again called “Hold on.”

I was crying quite a bit but it didn’t deter him.  Mike said he wanted to get to 20 and we’d hold for a minute and proceed.  My ass was really on fire.  I didn’t think I could take even one more.  Eventually he proceeded and about four or five in I once again had to call for a pause.   He waited a few minutes again, and on the third go he finished what remained.  Thank you Safe Words!

I think he sensed I couldn’t take much more.  He told me to stand in the corner and he would be back.

I stood in the corner thinking surely this was almost done.  Emotionally I was a bit shaken but was also feeling pride for Mike.  He showed he was truly listening to my feedback as he had amped things up a bit as I had asked and more importantly, he remained calm throughout.  But make no mistake, my ass also hurt.  The sting was not fading.

I was looking forward to the end of this Reward Ceremony where we would embrace and all would be forgiven and life would resume with complete closure regarding my actions.  Chalk another one up to the benefits of DD!

… AND IT CONTINUES
Mike returned and instead of hugging me he told me to again bend over and put my elbows on the bed.  Holy crap!  This was going to continue?  I really wanted to ask him how much longer, but that is against our rules and I didn’t want to add to whatever he still had in mind.  I remember I started to cry again.

He told me to count but didn’t say what number we would stop at.  He gave me thirty with the belt.  I don’t know how I took them all without asking for a pause.  Just five or six in and my ass was in flames again.  The last three or four were exceptionally hard.  I was crying pretty hard and saying, “I am sorry, I am sorry.”  I had hoped that perhaps the hard ending was Mike’s exclamation point to signify the end.

Mike then held me.  “Ah,” I thought, “the beginning of After Care.”  But, he just kept holding me as I cried into his chest.  Our procedure is for him to say “all is forgiven” and then I say it back and that’s the end of it – but he remained silent.

… AND STILL CONTINUES
He then said that I had a writing assignment.  We had never specified writing lines as a punishment, but, Mike did have full discretion.  He had me write 100 lines of, “I will meet my commitments that I make to myself.”  The first five words had to be in one color ink, the next five in another.  I had to start each line with a different color than the line before, and of course, penmanship mattered.   Mike said I would get three spankings per the number of color errors and the number of lines that are the least bit messy.  He said I must sit in his office and write these.  We walked down the hall to his home office.  Again, the feeling of walking through the house naked was very odd.  At least his chair was comfortable on my bottom.  He said I was to bring it to him when I was done.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Oh, by the way,” he said, “I’ll give you 90 minutes, so just under a minute per line. For every minute you go over 90, that’s another spanking.”

“Yes, Sir.”

I did some quick math and figured that is 54 seconds a line.  I wrote my first line…45 seconds.  Okay, I got this as I should get faster as I went.  As I kept writing, I kept looking at the time.  No sweat, I got this.  Damn, made a mistake. After every few lines I would do a calculation and each time I’d conclude I had plenty of time, but crap, another mistake.  Why did he put a time on it?  It isn’t that the time was unreasonable, but I kept focusing on the time instead of my writing causing me to make mistakes.

Okay, finished with time to spare. I got up to take him my pages and accepted that I had a few mistakes.  Mike was in the living room so once again walk through the house naked…and Mike didn’t have the blinds closed.  I walked briskly and handed him the papers and then walked to the nearest window and closed the blinds.  I then positioned myself in the room out of view of other windows.

Mike got a pen and started making marks on the paper.

Mike said, “6 color mistakes and 8 messy lines.  14 mistakes, times 3. That’s 42 spankings.  And right here will do.  Lean over and put your hands on the couch.”

“Yes, Sir.”

At least Mike walked over and closed another set of nearby blinds.  He then had me count off as he used his hand to deliver the 42.  It didn’t take long for my ass to start burning.  Once again I started squealing, “Ah!” and “Oh!” and “Ouch!” louder and louder.  Near the end I had to once again call “hold on.”    He waited a minute or two and resumed when I was ready.  He finished the last 10 or so and I swear the last 4 or 5 were the hardest he had ever spanked me before with his hand.

Mike then told me to go to our room and he would be there soon.   “Yes, Sir.”

I went to the room and stood in the corner.  I was starting to get mad.  This had to end soon.  It had been going on for hours and enough if enough. I also had to pee but if Mike comes in the room and I am not in the corner, then that could mean more spankings.  I would hold it.

… AND THEN THERE WAS MORE
Mike came in about 20 minutes later.  I asked him if I could pee.  He said no.   WTF!  Instead, he once again just spanked me with his hand as I stood in the corner.   I thought he might spank the pee out of me.  He gave me about 15 good ones and then said I could go and when I was done I was to bring the paddle, stand next to him and bend over and grab my ankles.   Double WTF!  When would this end?

I cried as I went to the bathroom and was crying as I returned, bent over, and grabbed my ankles.  He then gave me the hardest swat ever.  It made me scream louder than I ever had before and I also let go of my ankles, but then almost immediately came another whack, and then another, and another.  I flinched my whole body and turned by butt away from him and he reached around and got me with one more.  I finally got out a “Hold on! Hold on!” and he stopped.  I was really upset.  These hurt badly.

Mike didn’t hesitate and said, “Lay down on the bed on your stomach and I’ll be back in a bit to continue.”  I hesitated and he repeated himself, more sternly.

“Yes, Sir” I feebly said as I did as he asked.

I was sobbing heavily.  I felt defeated.

MERCY!
He came back in the room about ten minutes later.  He grabbed his belt and without saying a word started spanking me again.  About six or so strikes in I finally yelled,

“Mercy.”  I couldn’t take it.

Mike asked me to stand and he held me tightly.  He gave me warm words of encouragement and told me how much he loved me.   He said, “This ends any physical rewards, but this Reward Ceremony is not quite complete.”

He said I was to remain naked for about the next 24 hours and no talking or using my phone, the computer, or television.  Just a quiet day of reflection as we did our weekend chores.  And yes, we could close all the blinds.

So, we went about the rest of our evening fairly normally, except the naked part.  It is so weird to cook, eat, clean, or basically do anything without clothes on.  Even just walking feels odd.   And it didn’t help to have to sit down with no clothing to add some comfort to a very tender ass.

My nakedness was a constant reminder of my transgression and it served to keep the mood pretty solemn and reflective.  But it also was a bit of a fun way to end the Reward as I know it turned Mike on to constantly see me naked, and to tell the truth, it turned me on a bit too.   Just before dinner time Mike came to me and hugged me, and said, “All is forgiven.”   “All is forgiven” I replied.  And with that I went and got dressed.

It was over.

As I reflected on the day, and also we later discussed at the next Maintenance Session, I felt the punishment Mike handed out was perfect in many ways.  I had told him I wanted to find my limit, and he found it.  I told him I wanted him to be sterner, and he was.  He also showed some creativity in coming up with things.  But most importantly, DD allowed us to quickly address the situation and then get past it.  No lingering resentments, no bad feelings.

Just short of twenty four hours of atonement that ended in complete forgiveness and a deeper commitment to myself to be more aware of my surroundings and attentive to my belongings.  What a difference DD has made! 

Next – 26. Submission = Transparency = Love