Category Archives: 5. Sexcapades

Various fun and adventures (i.e. probably lots of sex), sans the spanking and discipline.

349. Immersion wrap up

349

Time for some kink.

I am not feeling particularly “into it” regarding sharing our fun and frolic, our happiness and hedonism, our ecstasy and excitement, our. . . you get the picture.   I blame the pandemic for that.   I just can’t motivate myself to share that stuff.   Stress and uncertainty seem to bring the worse out of people, especially when people are seizing this opportunity to publicly fan the fears while privately doing all they can to make things worse.   He is just so stupid!   And the fact I don’t even have to say who “he” is, is tragic and sad.  I digress.

Whatever the cause of my own angst, I will be a bit light on the sexual details.  But in typical Jenny verbosity, that doesn’t mean light on other details.  I will also use this as an opportunity to recap and update you on our various friendships as well as give newer readers some background.

IMMERSION BACKGROUND
I’ve written about what is now an annual event we refer to as “Immersion.”  It began as a time we would set aside specifically to “immerse” ourselves into our kinks.  Explore things we were curious about, do things we weren’t necessarily committing to doing all the time, and just have a lot of fun.  By setting a specific and finite time to do this, we felt even freer to explore and push ourselves to try new things in a controlled and loving environment.   This year’s Immersion was in early March, better known as 10 years ago!   Wow, it certainly feels that way!

CIRCLE OF TRUST BACKGROUND
I’ve also written about our ever-expanding “Circle of Trust.”  This is the name we give our collective friends with whom we interact. . . um, er. . . interact as in, have sex with.  Well, it’s the truth, sort of.  It’s more than that, but sometimes not much more than that!   Okay, okay, it’s simply a group of friends where, when together, we don’t hide any of our kinks.  It doesn’t always mean there is sex involved.  Sometimes we might just watch a football game, watch a movie, have a barbecue. . . and then have lots of sex!   Ha!  Really, I am exaggerating.   Yes, there are often sexual activities, but not always, and even less does it involve swapping partners, but that can be part of it at times.

Before Immersion, there were some in the COT that had little to no experience in swinging.  And even today no one identifies as “swingers” and, thanks to Covid-19, none of us have had any follow up “interactions” since Immersion 2020.

Enough background, on to SWAPFEST!

SWAPFEST 2020
No one seems to remember who first pitched the idea for our theme this year, but the idea was simple.  A week-long wife-swap within the COT.  For more on that – 346.  Immersion in the year 2020 p.c. – Swapfest.  

When I refer to a “day” regarding Swapfest, I mean an entire day and overnight stay.  The days typically began at 10 a.m. and ended at 10 a.m. the next day.

RAULE AND VALERIE
Valerie is a former coworker of mine, married over 20 years, empty nester.  They had joined us in the 2019 Immersion where they had their first threesome which was with Donna.   I talk with Valerie now and then and pre-Covid her and Raul would sometimes come over or be part of our Sinday Football.  They limited their threesomes with just Donna and were often comfortable just observing the activities going on around them.   They are the most private of our group and the most reserved.  They opted not to join us in Swapfest.

JOHN AND DONNA
They are our best friends and neighbors I first mentioned back in Post 20.  Pre-Covid we interacted with them several times a week.  And by interact, I don’t mean fucking!  lol.  Well, maybe a little.  I mean, we would often just have dinner together or double-dates or Donna might come by for lunch or I would go to her house for lunch.  We do typical BFF stuff, and maybe sometimes throw in is some BDSM and sex stuff.  Ya’ know, like I stated, typical BFF stuff.

It’s been more than a month since we have met face-to-face with them other than a “hello” in the yard or brief conversations 6+ feet away.  We have done some video calls with them just to stay connected and see how each other is doing.  Platonic stuff.

As for Swapfest

  • I got a day with John as did Kayla. Since I already knew him very well, I can’t say I learned anything new about him.  I spent a lot of time alone with him in their “red room.”  John and Donna have always been more into BDSM than us.  And for me, most “impact play” is not play, but part of discipline as I tend to not mix sex with discipline.  I will dabble in some play and Immersion gave me the opportunity for lots of dabbling with John!   Who knew it could feel so good?  Lol!  John knew just how to do it, too!  Very fun!  Kayla said she had fun as well.

    Donna also had a day with Mike.  I understand Mike also took the opportunity to have extended “impact play” with her.   How thoughtful of Mike to accommodate her love of being whipped all over her body!  hee-hee.  He reported having a lot of fun and enjoying that experience.

TJ AND KIM
I first wrote about them about a year ago.  In that time they have opened up to each other in very dramatic ways regarding their sexual desires.   While oversimplifying it, she was very sexually repressed and the two of them rarely had sex.  

Our “COT” relationship began with her simply watching me and Mike have sex.  I wrote about the details of her sexual awakeningI won’t repeat it here.  It led her to understand she enjoyed being in control, and TJ enjoyed the submissive role!

They joined us in 2019’s Immersion where, for the first time, they got into some level of swapping.    Kim had sex with the women – me, Donna, and Kayla.  And TJ both gave and received oral sex from the women AND I got to try a strap-on on TJ, a first for me!

Throughout the past year, they would come over sometimes for our Football Sindays or otherwise hang out with us.  While there were times there was plenty of sex going on, the action was mostly the two of them having sex in front of everyone else who was having sex.  There were a few times where Kim would have sex with one or more of the women and one or more of the women would peg TJ.   However, Kim never had sex with any of the men and TJ never had anything but oral sex with the women.   That changed with Swapfest: 

  • TJ got a day with me, as well as a day with Kayla and a threesome day with me and Chelsea.  This was the most interesting experience for me because TJ likes to be dominated.  In addition to being pegged, he likes to have his penis slapped and whacked (especially with a ruler he has).   I’ve never been with a man who enjoyed that.  It was fun to sort of switch for a day.  While he enjoys being dominated, I wouldn’t call him submissive.  His submissiveness is limited to certain play and that is it.  He takes a more dominant role outside of play.  And even in play he could be a bit dominant.  He was always very exact in what he wanted and how he wanted it, even getting a little meanness to his tone re, “No, not like that.  I want you to…”  Hey!  At least he didn’t have a problem articulating his desires.

  • Kim got a day alone with Mike, and she also got a threesome with Kayla and John. Kim said that of all the men, she enjoyed her time with Mike the most.  Not because of the sex, but she said he was just more fun and interesting to talk with and “obey” compared to the others.  I may be biased, but Mike IS amazing, so why wouldn’t she feel that way!  I think it is because Mike is a submissive’s Dom versus a Dom’s Dom.  That is, he tries to tune into the needs and desires of the other person versus simply imposing his will, their needs and desires be damned.

  • TJ also had a day with Jill.  Of all the feedback we shared afterward, I think the two of them had the least enjoyable time together.  Their personalities just don’t click together.   Jill is almost too passive, expressionless, and unemotional.  TJ likes the woman to get into it.  That’s just not Jill.  There was no animosity, it was just clear they didn’t connect well.

The full swap experience was new for TJ and Kim.   Afterward they spoke of it in glowing terms – no regrets.  They feel it was a great outlet and made them appreciate each other even more.  They said they were open to the idea of swapping in the future with the caveat it is done while they were in the same room.

Oh – and as for where their kids were during Swapfest — Their eldest headed to the coast for spring break and their middle and youngest went to visit cousins in another state.   The spring break trip got Covid-canceled and their daughter decided to head to the lake where one her friend’s family had a house.  And, thanks to Covid, she ended up coming back earlier than expected, as did the two younger kids. as this was all going on just as Covid was upon us.   We ended Swapfest a little earlier than planned, but still got in all the swapping but didn’t get to some other planned events.

MATT AND JILL
You’ll know Matt as my one-time “boyfriend” of sorts.  Just a handful of dates.  He has been dating Jill now for at least a year.   Jill is a bit of an enigma.  She is quiet and reserved, but highly submissive.  She will tell you things about herself but you really have to pull it out of her.  And she’s very pretty!

As for Swapfest

  • I had a day with Matt while Mike had a night with Jill and a threesome with Jill and Kayla.   My time with Matt was fun but nothing new.  I’ve spent one-on-one time with him previously.   The only difference I noticed is that he is far more comfortable with his kinks and being Dominant than he was when we “dated.”

  • Mike had a hard time reading Jill’s reaction, as we all do.  She will tell you she had a great time, but she speaks so monotone and lacks expression such that there is always a disconnect between what she says she feels and what you feel that she feels.   We’ve come to understand that is just how she’s wired and if you want to know what she is thinking or feeling, you just have to ask, otherwise, she keeps it to herself.   Mike felt her demeanor had its own charm and turn on.  He admitted it was a bit of a turn on thinking she really didn’t want to do certain things but did them anyway.  Mike said she was open to everything, but again, rarely gave any signal she was “into it” other than when she orgasmed – but even then, her orgasm’s were subdued.   Kayla also gave similar feedback in that she got to have a threesome day with Mike and Jill.

Matt reported the both of them enjoyed Swapfest and were open to doing it again sometime.   Matt and Jill are both pretty much open to anything anyone suggests.

JAIME AND CHELSEA
 I got a day with Jaime and Mike got a day with Chelsea.  It was purposeful that Kayla was not paired with Jaime.   There’s a little jealousy issue that flares at times with Chelsea regarding Jaime and Kayla.  At least Chelsea is open about it and not passive-aggressive.  She has a solid friendship with Kayla and they are able to talk to each other about it.  Some feelings you can just explain away or easily reconcile and it works out best if everyone just recognizes it and honors those feelings.

Frankly, I believe she feels some jealousy around anyone with Jaime.  I was when they agreed to be part of Immersion 2020.  I can write an entire post (maybe I did) on how all kink can serves as an amplifier for how one already feels about themselves.   Whether submitting, objectifying yourself, swapping, or whatever the kink, said kink can either be a boost to your already high self-esteem, or for those with fragile or low self-esteem, it can create a post-kinky activity drop in your well-being.

Jaime had a threesome with Jill and Chelsea and one-on-one time with Donna, Kim, Jill, and with me.  Chelsea had one-on-one time with TJ, Matt, Mike, and another threesome but with me and TJ.   It was their first major foray into swapping.  

Before Immersion, all of us had a lot of conversations.  The entire group of us, various sub-groups of us, and even individual discussions.  Communication was important, but doubly so with Jaime and Chelsea.  I was concerned this was a bit too “advanced” for where they are in their relationship.   What made it worse is that because of Covid, we didn’t get a lot of follow up time to talk with them. We’ve done phone calls, chat, and video conference, but it isn’t the same.  I am still concerned that it may have been a bit much for them.   Perhaps in some ways, Covid has been a way for them to connect with just each other and stoke their passions as a couple.

In addition to the implications of the swapping, Jaime’s job has been severely impacted. He had a very large commercial contract get postponed that was going to be a major source of income.  He had freed up his calendar for that job and had to scramble to find whatever he could to fill the void — and there’s not much out there.  So they’ve got the financial concerns to deal with, which tend to be an amplifier of their own!   

Sooooo, there you have it.  Immersion 2020, P.C.   (Pre-Covid).

346. Immersion in the Year 2020 P.C. – Swapfest

346

Since I haven’t been posting regularly I plan on continuing doing an update on the people in my life.  I’ve posted about Mike and Kayla, and will share a family-friendly update about my kids, and then our friends within our “Circle of Trust,” and maybe my lunch bunch friends as well.  But before I do, I figured I should cover our 2020 Immersion. 

2020 P.C.?
There is a new way to mark time.  “PC” as in “Pre-Corona.”  (and conversely, AC for “After Corona).  Immersion was right on the cusp of Corona.  In hindsight, much closer than we imagined and we are fortunate we didn’t cause our own outbreak.  Immersion ran from March 6 – March 12, which in Corona time seems like years ago. 

I also want to mention that I put off writing about it because the idea of talking about overindulgent sexual gratification may be insensitive during these trying times.  However, I also feel it may be just the mental break we all need.  Dive into your fantasies and pick some to actually live out with a partner.   One positive of troubling times is that it underscores that that is no time like the present.

IMMERSION?
Our “Immersion” tradition began in 2016 as an idea we came up with to explore and experiment beyond our normal TTWD.   Setting aside specific “exploratory” time to fully immerse ourselves into all things kink is a great way to open your mind to new things.  There’s a psychological benefit to knowing that it is likely temporary and part of an experiment of sorts.   It allows us a greater psychological freedom to really explore our kinks.    

  • Our first immersion was about exploring a Total Power Exchange dynamic where I gave Mike ultimate control over everything.   Keep in mind up to that point we had been practicing a “DD for me” that was about discipline and rules that were on my terms, not Mike’s.
  • Our 2017 Immersion was dubbed “The Forbidden Zone” and was our first immersion with Kayla.   John and Donna even joined in part of it.   We explored all sorts of dynamics from Pet Play, Shibari, DD/lg.
  • For 2018 the theme was “Got Milk?”  Yep, exploring lactation fetish, among other things.   John and Donna also joined us and while we did explore other things, the notable “event’ was the lactation.
  • And last year, it was a group event with the main theme of Con/NonCon.  We jokingly refer to it as Con-NonCon-Con as in Consensual Nonconsent Convention.   The consensus is that this was our least favorite Immersion. No regrets, as Immersion is about new experiences and finding what turns you on or off.   The best part of it was the deepening of friendships within our Circle of Trust.  It had a total of 15 participants, although we weren’t all together at the same time.  

This year?  The theme was SwapFest!.  The idea was to take expand on the best of 2019’s Immersion and use it as an opportunity to better forge individual and collective relationships within our “Circle of Trust.”  We’ve become a very unique group of friends!

CIRCLE OF TRUST (COT)
If you’re new here, our COT is what we call our close group of friends with whom we kink.  This kink can involve swapping partners or various other sexually or kinky oriented play.   The official COT for us includes John and Donna, Matt and Jillian, TJ and Kim, and Jaime and Chelsea.  Auxiliary members include Valerie and Raul, with ad-hoc membership from Mister and Nurse Ann.   A cornucopia of debauchery!

IMMERSION 2020 PC: SWAPFEST
Not sure who exactly came up with the idea.  It was a collective idea that emerged from the guys.   It would include the three of us, of course, along with John and Donna, Matt and Jillian, TJ and Kim, and Jaime and Chelsea.

There was planning involved such that people took time off from work and TJ and Kim arranged for childcare.  TJ and Kim arranged to have all three of their kids visiting or vacationing elsewhere.  

The idea was simple, we would rotate through a mix of “couplings.”  These would be groups of two or three people who would spend the day and night together.  The idea of these swaps would be to get to know each other better and use that time to not only explore new activities but to learn more about each other.  I hope this image displays properly.  It shows how people were paired with each other:

Group

You read it like this – Day 1, Jill and Chelsea spent the day and night with Jaime, while Donna spent it with Mike, I spent it with TJ, Kayla with Matt, and Kim with John.  The women spent the day at the house/apartment of the respective man.  The rules were we (woman) would serve and submit to that man.   As always, limits and safe words were respected.

This was a big deal on many levels.  Not every couple considers themselves swingers.  They may have done some swap/soft swap here and there, but not as a lifestyle.  Not that we were intending for this to start such a lifestyle — it was meant as exploration and play.  But still, it was a big deal for many involved, especially Jaime and Chelsea.  But everyone was excited about it.  

Day 1 started at 10 a.m. when the women went to the homes of “their man.”  It didn’t end until 10 a.m. the next day when the women would go to their “next man.” 

It allowed us to get to know each other in a more meaningful way.  I learned more about certain kinks that some people have.  For instance, TJ surprised me the most in that he liked to be on the receiving end of certain humiliation play and punishments.  I guess I shouldn’t have been that surprised since I knew he liked being pegged, I just didn’t realize what else he was into in that regard.  

Being one-on-one with Jaime was also interesting.  He’s shy and quiet but once he got comfortable he let loose in ways that surprised me.   I could share details, but I think I’ll leave some things to your imagination.   It would take too long to give you a blow-by-blow (both literally and figuratively, hee-hee) of each of my pairings.

The threesomes were also interesting.  I drew one, with Chelsea and TJ.  I was glad I got to be with Chelsea on that one as she didn’t really know what to make of TJ and I was able to help her and keep her feeling safe and secure.   TJ is a freak – and I say that in a non-judgmental affectionate way.  I can enjoy a freak.  I can handle a freak.  Chelsea, well, she was a bit perplexed and unsure at times.   We got through it.  

In addition to my own fun,  Mike and Kayla loved the experience as well.  We all swapped lots of interesting and sometimes funny stories!

We had planned a Day 6 gathering of everyone and canceled it due to the oncoming Corona and the expected early return of Kim and TJ’s kids.   Oh, the things we have had to give up due to this pandemic!   

FILL IN THE ‘IN
Sorry that I was light on the explicit details.  Just know there was a lot of f’in and suckin’ and whippin’ and lickin’ and pokin’ and prodin’ and all sorts of in’in and out’in.   May your imagination run wild!  

Let’s hope life A.C. is as fun and kinky as life P.C.!

NEXT: 347. Update on the Fam

 

335. The Bond of Sex

335

Uh, not that kind of Bond, although he sure did have a lot of sex.  Btw, I don’t think of Daniel Craig when I think of Bond.  I guess I am showing my age but Roger Moore comes to mind first, then Sean Connery.  After that, Pierce Brosnan.  I digress. 

Sex must remain an invulnerable, untouchable, inalienable, non-negotiable, unassailable, sacred, absolute, BOND exclusively between TWO people

This bond is the wrapper on most relationships.  The slightest threat can puncture the wrapper, spilling the contents of the relationship on the ground like roadkill.

I am going to try and contain my rant as that is not the point of this post, but, it’s sad.  People who are otherwise loving and nurturing to each other will allow the relationship to vaporize due to a violation of that bond.   I almost agree with that bond, except the exclusive part.   There is no reason for exclusive sex to be the super-glue to a relationship that, once dissolved, takes the relationship with it.

While we feel that way, we know each one of our play partners has their own variations of what sex means for them.  With all the sex that is going on (honestly, it is probably less than most of you think), there is bound to be an incident that violates what sex means to someone or means to one of the relationships.  Sex can be a bit like gunpowder and each additional person added to your “Circle of Trust” increases the chance of ignition.  

We’ve been fortunate to avoid such “ignition,” primarily because we openly communicate and frequently check in with each other.  But. . .

NEW YORK CITY
I previously shared that for a graduation gift we paid for a New York City vacation for Kayla and a friend.   She went with Chelsea.   You’ll have to read the prior posts about her and her husband, Jaime, to get the full story on their dynamic.   The short story is that it is a DD with some D/s dynamic with Chelsea submissive to Jaime.

This was Chelsea’s first time away from her husband, Jaime.  Although Chelsea is heterosexual, Jaime specifically told Chelsea not to have sex with Kayla.  Apparently, they had been considering a threesome with Kayla and while not consummated, Jaime wanted to make sure Chelsea didn’t venture out on her own during this trip.  Out of respect for Jaime’s wishes, Mike also told Kayla not to have sex with Chelsea.

Girls will be girls!  Together in the big city for the first time.  The lights, the festivities, the excitement. . . and they had sex with each other.

Even though they knew they had disobeyed they decided to admit to it.  Subsequently, Jaime was mad at Chelsea while Mike was upset with Kayla.  It’s one thing to slip up in the moment, but this was serious as they both clearly chose to ignore their instructions.

Further, Chelsea and Kayla got upset with each other, blaming the other for letting their intimacy get out of hand.   Chelsea was further upset because Kayla said that Chelsea wanted to keep it a secret and Kayla had to convince her they had to tell.  The bottom line — there was drama!

Keep in mind both of them are young adults, 23-24.  Not to say that is particularly young, but clearly, neither have experienced this type of “betrayal” whether it be their friendship or their marriages.  Did I say there was drama?

SPANKY SPANKY
Fortunately and surprisingly, I was not very involved in this.  Mike sorted it all it out.  I know they both received spankings from their husbands and not only did it also include Jaime spanking Kayla and Mike spanking Chelsea, but Kayla and Chelsea even had to spank each other.  Nothing like a spank-fest to settle a problem!

From Mike’s perspective, Kayla’s issue was the disobedience towards him and the disrespect for Jaime.   From Jaime’s perspective, Chelsea’s transgression went beyond disobedience or disrespect.  She had sex with someone else!  The two of them had been monogamous up to that point (sort of — a bit of foreshadowing), and Chelsea had never been with a woman before.

Jaime was dealing with a lot, and he’s not the most secure guy.  He is still working at being the husband Chelsea wants him to be regarding her submission.

THEN TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE
Wait, didn’t I just say, “sort of” in describing them as monogamous?    Something else came out of their NYC trip.

During the trip, Chelsea told Kayla that she sucked Mike’s dick.  Kayla wasn’t aware of that, nor was I.  We all know that Mike goes over to Jaime and Chelsea’s quite a bit to help with discipline (that can be a post all of its own).   Mike has administered spankings and other discipline towards Chelsea many times, ostensibly to “teach” Jaime (again, fodder for another post). 

Chelsea developed a big crush on Mike.  She was always honest and open about her feelings, which had to be hard on Jaime.  It was always in the context that she loved Jaime dearly and wants to be with him, but that she did develop feelings towards Mike.  Jaime seemed to handle it well, probably because he admires Mike a lot, gets a lot of personal joy out of the whole dynamic, and he accepted that Chelsea wasn’t looking to leave him. 

Apparently, one of the times Mike was at their place, Jaime asked him if Chelsea could suck his cock.   Jaime told him something like, “I think we’re ready to try some swinging or poly or whatever it is and I want to see what she will do if I tell her.”  Mike told him something like, “If this is a good idea today, it will be a good idea tomorrow.  Let’s all three talk about this and give it some time.”  Apparently, the three of them did and Mike got good enough vibes about it that a few days later, the deed was done.

Jaime asked Mike and Chelsea not to tell anyone about it (i.e. me and Kayla) as Jaime said he was “processing” it all.  He said he felt embarrassed, both for wanting it and for allowing it, as well as for Chelsea’s willingness to do it.   Jaime was also worried about a variety of other things about “what this meant.”  He wasn’t prepared for how it made him feel after it had happened.

Out of respect for Jaime’s wishes, Mike agreed not to tell us.  He isn’t required to do so and I have no qualms about it.   My concern had nothing to do with someone giving him oral sex.  My concern was that Chelsea is Kayla’s good friend.  Anything that could jeopardize Jaime and Chelsea’s relationship with Mike will likely automatically jeopardize Chelsea’s friendship with Kayla. It just doesn’t seem fair that Mike would jeopardize Kayla’s good friendship.

From Mike’s perspective, there was already any number of discipline-related things he already did with Jaime and Chelsea that could have had an impact on Chelsea and Kayla’s friendship.  It never did.  Mike has spanked Chelsea, seen her naked, inserted butt plugs, administered enemas, and whipped practically all parts of her body.  So in Mike’s defense, is a b.j. really a tipping point to something unacceptable?

Remember the “bond” at the start of this post?  The things that threaten that bond are different for everyone.  So Jaime was processing his own emotions about it all, as was Chelsea and as was Kayla, Mike, and even me.  My issue, as was Kayla’s, was the secrecy.  Again, not that Mike owed us that information, but Chelsea is Kayla’s friend.  Kayla doesn’t have many friends her age and the two of them have become close.  Secrets put everyone in a bad spot and set a dangerous precedent.  Justifying that secret makes it easy to justify the next and the next and the next.   The one ingredient that holds relationships together more than any other is TRUST!

Mike agreed that as far as our mutual friendships go, there can not be any secrets when it comes to TTWD.   HOWEVER, it’s easy to fault “the secret” as the cause of the problem.  Who knows?  The drama may have been WORSE had it not been a secret.  Jaime wasn’t ready to deal with the emotions of his decision and maybe things would have been worse had he been forced to do so as soon as it happened.

Maybe it was better it was kept secret for a while.  It allowed Jaime time to process his emotions.  Thanks to Chelsea spilling the beans it may not have been as much time as Jaime would have liked, but, it turned out he was ready to reconcile it in his mind.   Getting it out there forced him to discuss and ultimately reconcile his feelings about it.  In the end, he felt good about it.  This was evidenced by them agreeing to join us at Immersion and Jaime and Chelsea even had their three-way with Kayla.  

During Immersion Jaime even joked,  “How do you reconcile a b.j.?  With a three-way!”    I guess you had to be there as it was very funny, especially coming from Jaime.

The drama was resolved and all is well.  But really, the whole relationship that Mike has with Jaime and Chelsea is a bit odd.  Which probably sounds funny coming from me and the countless oddities in my life.   Odd is a bit harsh.  Different!  Yeah, that’s the word.  Anyway, I’ll post about it sometime!

Next:  336.  Hello for the Kinky Side

332. The Kink Resources Department

332

I have resigned to the fact I have become an infrequent blogger.   I enjoy it, but am just not making it a priority.   So there you have it.

My prior post was about a kinky slippery slope that I referred to as Kinkthink!  While I use that term somewhat in jest, I do believe it is a real thing and couples exploring their sexual horizons should be mindful and avoid it creeping into their mindset.  

We certainly have explored greater and greater sexual adventures over the last few years and we remain open to exploring more charted and uncharted sexual territory.   I think we’ve avoided making unhealthy decisions via Kinkthink.  But to be honest, I think we did it more by chance than by clearly understanding and acknowledging the risks of Kinkthink.

One phrase that can help avoid Groupthink applies to Kinkthink as well,  That is –

“NONE OF US IS AS DUMB AS ALL OF US.” 

That really sums up the risks and the momentum a “crowd mentality” can unleash.  And the more singularly focused and homogeneous a group is, the easier it is to create that momentum.  Hum, kind of like the GOP!  I digress.

COOL YOUR JETS!
One thing that we do  is to have a “cooling” off both during and after Immersion.  This was Mike’s idea and started back at our first Immersion.   Mike would essentially call a random “time out” during our festivities where we would just relax.  A warm bath, quiet music, not much talking.  No, not because we couldn’t talk with our mouthful of whatever body part.  There is no sex during “cooling off.”   Oh, with one exception —  

This year he brought along all sorts of oils and he gave me and Kayla a massage.  Of course, that led to sex, but the slow, soft, tender, and sultry vacation-sex.   And it was definitely a “lay there, relax, it’s-all-about-you-sex.”  That’s different than immersion-sex.

These time outs were like extended aftercare sessions.   A physical and emotional re-set before resuming our exploration.

When we returned home Mike had us take an “indefinite” time off from ALL our duties and obligations.  A “submissive-free” time period that went on for four days.   Submission is a default for me.  It is not something I consciously do (with some exceptions).   It was actually more difficult to be sub-free than you would think.

Mike also stepped up and did more chores around the house.  He also treated me and Kayla to a spa day, complete with mani, pedi, facial (the cosmetic type, hee hee), and professional massage.   Not to denigrate Mike’s massage skills, but let’s face it, it’s hard for Mike to compete with a professional masseuse.  Well, sans the sex part, lol.

After three days Mike gave us the heads up that it would be one more day “D/s free” and then back to our normal routine (or abnormal routine if you insist, lol).   Both me and Kayla were ready.  We were re-energized, re-set, and re-focused on returning to what is our default mindset of serving Mike.

KINKTHINK AVOIDANCE TIPS

  • Encourage and remain open and accepting of everyone’s feelings.
    If someone expresses hesitation don’t take that as a signal that they just need a nudge to convince them to do it.
    Don’t gloss over their feelings  – “Ah, come on, you can do it.”   

    Do validate their feelings – even if you don’t agree  – Wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way, that’s really insightful.”

    After you validate what they are feeling you can still explain how it makes you feel and have an open and honest discussion about it.

    I think we were fortunate once again, thanks to Mike.  I believe it is part of his natural leadership skills and why he does well in business.  If we are discussing a scene or particular activity, he is good at getting “the quiet one” to express themselves.  “We haven’t heard from Jillian on this one,” or, “So Jaime, what are your concerns about that?”

    Of course, in business he isn’t soliciting feedback about whether you are okay with your breasts being flogged or prefer this butt plug over that one.   At least I don’t think he does that at work?   Hum… maybe I shouldn’t assume??

  •  Diversity 
    It isn’t enough to accept everyone’s thoughts and feelings because there is a risk that the people you surround yourself with, our friends in this case, already share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings.For instance, I find that the three of us are far more daring and willing to explore with John and Donna, but were a bit more cautious with the other couples.   Part of it is that we feel John and Donna are pros at TTWD and have confidence in knowing and expressing their limits.  But part of it is that we share a lot in common with them.  This shared mindset often leads to a feeling of, “if they are willing to do it, so are we.”   That’s Kinkthink!

    Having a diverse group of friends helps with this, and we certainly have that.  That’s why we didn’t have all six couples together at the same time – we knew some may feel pressured to try things they shouldn’t.   Also, hearing the concerns from each of the couples helped remind us of things we should stay aware of.   We would not have had those reminders if not for the diversity in our group.

  • Healthy questioning – Dom or sub.  
    Again, I credit Mike for this one.  While we have a lot of insight into the unique dynamics of each couple, we don’t know everything about them.   A good example is Matt and Jillian.  Jillian is very quiet.  We believe it isn’t because Matt doesn’t want her speaking and it is just that she is a quiet person.  But regardless, it was important to check in with her and make sure she is on board.   I think Mike’s open-ended questions to everyone helped set an environment where everyone was comfortable expressing themselves.   And the quieter ones, like Jillian, soon learned that if she didn’t speak up, Mike would likely be calling on her anyway.
  • Kinkthink awareness and avoidance is everyone’s job
    This is something we haven’t done.  I talked with Mike and he agreed we need to bring up Kinkthink with everyone so that we are all more sensitive to it.  It’s easy for one person to become a kink-bully without even knowing it.  They may use subtle statements that discourage dialogue and encourages conformity.   It’s easy to forget that anything you say that furthers the majority opinion can intimidate the minority view, even if that was not your intention.Having thought about it, in hindsight all three of us agreed that this sounded a bit like Matt.  Not that he was intentionally doing anything, but he would often be the one saying, “Ah, come on, you can do this.”

    It’s subtle.  You want to encourage people, which I believe is how he always intended it.   However, you can also unduly influence someone, which sometimes I think he did as well.   It’s not about intent, it’s about impact!  It’s a fine line and lot of it is tone and context.   Matt will have a talk with Immersion HR about some Kinkthink training.  hee-hee!

This all sounded a bit like a kinksters human resources guide.  I like that idea and frankly, it is an appropriate analogy.   Part of HR’s role is for employees to work better together, understand each other better, amicably resolve disputes, and training and development.   All with the goal of achieving mutual goals.  Ha, I didn’t realize it until now.  Immersion 2019 functioned like a Human Resources department. . .ahem, a Kink Resources Department!

The three of us agreed that while we did a good job, we need to improve our KR if we are going to do this again and want to ensure continued healthy outcomes.

Hey, I think I am overdue from sharing a spanking story.  After all, yes, my husband spanks me!  What’s DD without some discipline?  Next post perhaps!

NEXT: 333. Mike says tomato, I get in a pickle.

331. Kinkthink

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“THAT’S DISGUSTING!!!              Unless you’re into it.”

That pretty much sums up everyone’s reaction to anything kinky.  As I have often written in my blog, EVERYONE’S KINK IS DISGUSTING EXCEPT YOUR OWN.

The reason this is top of mind is that Immersion this year included a lot of “guest appearances.”   In the past, it was just something we did as a couple (or with Kayla once she joined the relationship).  But this year included SIX other couples.

Before DD I barely had six close friends, let alone SIX couples ready and willing to explore sexual kinks with me.  How did this happen?

It reminded me of something I wrote about a long time ago.  Over three years ago – Post 16 to be exact.  Whereas part of our journey into DD I agreed to always share my sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  As stated in that post, it was one of the MOST DIFFICULT parts of our adopting Domestic Discipline.

A MEGA-FORTRESS AROUND OUR PRURIENT INTERESTS
For many of us, even a spouse of 25 years isn’t allowed into our sexual thoughts, not even a peek!   We would rather take those desires to the grave than reveal what perverted, demented, awful, and gross people we are.  We erect a mega-fortress around our prurient interests.

Until. . .

We give an ever so small glimpse.   Maybe it’s the slip of the hand “accidentally” coming down hard on her breast.   Maybe it’s that millimeter by millimeter approach of your finger to his butthole, waiting for him to pull away and he doesn’t.

Or maybe you finally verbalize it.  If you do, more than likely it is a nebulous reference to just wanting to “spice things up.”  But it’s a start.  It’s a crack in the fortress!   Typically that response can lead to at least a small breach and then eventually a crumbling of the walls.

This is only possible if ONE thing happens.   Acceptance and reciprocation.  Oh, that’s two things.   This is only possible if TWO things happen.

ACCEPTANCE / RECIPROCATION
So you finally “go there.” Your biggest fears about your deep dark secrets are about to come to fruition.  And guess what?

Unlike what you thought would happen, the world didn’t end.  Your partner didn’t puke nor run out of the room like their hair is on fire.  They may not have agreed to indulge all your interests, nor you theirs, but you can bet that you found some commonalities and agreement to explore them.

Armed with someone else’s comfort and acceptance of your kinks allows you to be more comfortable and accepting of yourself.    In turn, they become armed with your comfort and acceptance of their kinks, allowing them to be more comfortable and accepting of themselves.  And thus the snowball begins to roll!

Sexual confidence soars once you both have the armor of love and understanding.  You’re both sexually empowered and connected like never before.  It leads you to share the next slightly more kinky desire, and the next, and the next.  With each “reveal” the other person sees it as permission to reciprocate and share their kinky desire (or their variation of your kinky desire).

Again, it doesn’t mean they are into everything you are into.  Only that your kinks are accepted and become relatable.  As an example, I am not turned on by feet, but Mike is.  I don’t share that “fetish” but I totally relate to the feeling it evokes because I have my own fetishes that evoke that feeling.

ADD IN SOME FRIENDS
Things can get very interesting when you add a group of friends who start to share their sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Such discussions normalize everyone’s wide and varied kinks.  Eventually, this experience causes you to be more accepting of even a wider range of kinks.   Yeah, I can now hang with the guy that likes to be pegged by his wife, and with the wife that likes to peg her husband.  Not my thing, but that’s cool.  We’re all equally “disgusting” in our own ways.

These six couples all felt our request to join us for some immersion into their sexual dreams and desires was as normal as asking them to join us on the ski slopes somewhere.   That’s pretty cool.

A DARK SIDE?  Illusion of Invulnerability
Being the self-reflective person that I am, I spent some time in thought about the Immersion this year.  While reveling in the fact that we have such diverse friends who share a common (but not identical) bond in TTWD, something dawned on me.

As friends, there is a natural desire for harmony or conformity in the group.  So you go along with the kinks of others, even if it is outside your comfort zone.  You might do so just as an observer, but you might also decide to join in.   After all, you don’t want to be rude and once you’ve seen them do it, you feel like perhaps it isn’t that big of a deal so you dive in yourself.

It can get to the point where people in the group may avoid raising controversial issues such as calling out a specific kink as “wrong,” or “crazy.”    This can lead to a loss of individual uniqueness and independent thinking.   This dysfunctional group dynamic can eventually produce an “illusion of invulnerability.”  This inflated certainty that the right decision has been made to pursue whatever prurient thought any one person verbalized.

There’s a psychological term for this.   It’s called Groupthink.  Of course, for my group of friends, I refer to it as Kinkthink!

Groupthink is not good.  And Kinkthink can be just as bad.  It can lead us to pursue increasingly dangerous activities, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

We’ve actually done some things to minimize or even avoid Kinkthink without even knowing it.   I’ll share some of that on my next post.

Any interesting thoughts or comments bubbling around your head regarding Kinkthink?  Please share.

Next:  332.  The Kink Resources Department

330. Immersion 2019 Finale: ConNonCon

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Immersion was about a month ago.  Plenty of time to reflect on it, but there is no greater impetus for reflection than writing about it.   Thinking through just the right words to convey an experience gives you a new perspective on that experience.

Yes, I know, many of you are saying I am still searching for the “right” words.  Hey, if I say enough of them, some of them are bound to be “right.”  If you know anything about me, it’s that I feel strongly that if you can convey something in fewer words, don’t bother, just say it in more!  I am not much of an editor.

Where were we?

Oh.  Anyway — As I wrote the last post I had this epiphany about kink.  Like major psychological groundbreaking thoughts.  I can’t wait to share them.  But before I thoroughly entertain, enlighten, and inspire you with an esoteric rant, let’s wrap up the kinky stuff that went on at our “Take it to 11” Immersion.

There was really only one activity that lived up to the “Take it 11” billing.  And that was our exploration into Consensual Non-Consent.

TRIGGER WARNING:  I share some rape themes which may be disturbing to some.  Here’s your chance to click away.

CONSENSUAL NON-CONSENT

Let’s be straight.  This is rape-play.  Serious stuff.  The first order of business was to make sure we had a mutually agreeable understanding of what it meant.   We all recognized it can be a mind-fuck as much as a physical one, and we weren’t aiming for the former, but also didn’t want it to just be “rough sex.”

So we came up with some ideas that we thought struck the balance we were comfortable with.  In the end, I think what we ended up with was more along the lines of “rough sex” than true ConNonCon.  Pushing, slapping, rough handling and/or restraining of our bodies, vulgar and degrading language, stuff like that.

It was the three of us, plus John, Matt, and his girlfriend, Jillian.  Donna sat that activity out, but she watched.   Each of the participating women took turns, so it was three men on one woman.   And while the first woman (me) was with the three guys the other two (Kayla and Jillian) had to wait outside where they couldn’t hear or see what was going on.

It started first with a talk.  We sort of verbally sketched out a scene, talked again about what was off-limits.  For me, it was choking, punching, and cutting.  It may seem silly to have to articulate some of those limits, but that’s what you have to do to help avoid misunderstandings.  And then we did the scene.

I won’t go into details but to say it was rough.  And while there was no knife-play per se, one was allowed and used as long as it was limited to removal (cutting away) of clothes.  I had never experienced that.  Even though a controlled environment, it was still scary to have your clothes cut off by a long sharp knife.

In the end, I was physically exhausted and sore.  I was surprised how into the scene I got and just how sweaty everyone got.  I really tried hard to get away, which is why I was so sore.  And I don’t mean I wanted to get away – I didn’t.  I just wanted to try.  I would have been disappointed if I succeeded.

On an emotional level, it seemed to strike a balance for me.  A few moments of fear, but not like life-endangering fear.  Just a fear like, “Wow, he’s really getting into this, I hope he’s under control and doesn’t do something stupid.”  That little bit of the unknown was “rapey” enough for me.

We talked afterward — plenty of aftercare — then eventually repeated the process for the next one up, which was Jillian.  Kayla went last.  We didn’t do these all back-to-back as the guys needed time to um… let’s say, “re-charge.”   But over the course of the afternoon, we all got our ConNonCon experience.

The after-care was not just immediately after.  It continued all day and evening long with the guys checking in with us and with us gals checking in with each other.   Everyone reported having a good experience with it, and even today feel the same way.

I didn’t consult the BDSM rule-book, but as I stated, I think our version of this was more along the lines of rough-sex than ConNonCon.   That’s fine.  It seemed to satisfy everyone’s curiosity and cravings.  So no need to have to label it.   Ultimately, I can check that box and leave it open to maybe doing again someday.   Not a “must-have” for me, but not a “never again” either.

And that concludes Immersion 2019!  Looking forward to sharing my reflections and the discovery of what I call “Kink Think.”

Next: 331.  Kinkthink

329. More Immersion 2019: Playing with Friends

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This is a continuation of my prior post. No cutesy-intro with a clever non-sequitur this time.  I heard that!!! Who just said, “Since when has Jen been clever?” Was it you?

I am going to have to break this up into two more posts.  That’s how fun Immersion 2019 was!  LOL.

CONSENSUAL NONCONSENT
The ConNonCon was clearly the “big deal” of our Immersion.  It’s what we talked most about leading up to Immersion, and the activity that gave us the most reservations.  Not reservations as in, “people signing up in advance.”  Reservations as in, “concerns.”  Although come to think of it, we did have some advance sign-ups.

I will wait until my next post to share that experience.   Such a tease!!

PLAYING WITH OTHERS
We had a steady stream of guests during our stay at the “place in the woods.”  John and Donna, Matt and Jillian, Mister and Nurse Ann, Kim and TJ, Chelsea and Jaime, and Valerie and Raul.

All 15 of us weren’t together at the same time.  Partly due to each couples personal schedules and party by design.  We felt some of them wouldn’t be comfortable with certain people or things that would be going on and wanted to gear our activities more towards where they were in their kinky journeys.   How thoughtful of us!!

My prior post shared the role Mister and Nurse Ann had in this year’s Immersion in that it was basically a repeat of last year. In addition to the nursing, Kayla and I enjoyed some sex with Mister!   Mister and Nurse Ann spent about half a day with us.

John and Donna spent more than a day and spent one of the nights with us.  We didn’t explore anything dramatically new in our “friendship” sans the ConNonCon.  So yeah, a lot of swapping around and 5-person group stuff.   Typical boring routine.

Kim and TJ spent an entire day with us but didn’t spend the night, arriving early one morning and leaving late that evening.  John and Donna were there for about half of the day that Kim and TJ were there.

Kim has basically taken on a Domme role with TJ.  I’d call it, Domme-light…or maybe Domme-medium?  Definitely the top in the relationship.   Kim and TJ looked to our Immersion as their own excuse to try more new stuff.  Kink is still very new to them.  4 months ago they rarely had sex and when they did it was “akin to a funeral procession and now… it’s a circus.”  (Those are Kim’s words, not mine).

While we have had sex in front of each other, up until Immersion Kim and TJ didn’t directly play with others.  The did that day.  Me, Donna, and Kayla all had sex with Kim.  At first Kim said TJ could not touch another woman, but eventually relented and allowed him to perform and receive oral.  Turns out she didn’t do it out of any objection to sharing him.  She just wanted to tease and torture him a bit.

The new experience for me was that Kim let me try out her strap-on on TJ.  I’ve never fucked a guy before!  I am still not sure how I feel about it.

I’ve used a strap-on on Kayla and Donna before.  I like it – not tops on my list but definitely not averse to it.  But on a man?  I felt disconnected.  I guess it just feels too dominating for my submissive tastes.  And the fact it was TJ had something to do with it.  He’s a bit odd in my book.  I am not emotionally attached to him in any way.   Oh well, at least I can check that off the fuckit list!

Kim did say that Those Things We Did (as we now refer to our Immersion activities with them), were limited to Immersion.  She didn’t want them to be part of our regular interactions.  Just experimenting and having fun and now the experiment and fun are over.  Well, at least the experiment part, and she added, “…at least until next time.”

 Chelsea and Jaime joined us one mid-afternoon to the evening when it was just me, Mike, and Kayla.  There’s a bit more to this story that I need to post about regarding Chelsea’s and Kayla’s trip to New York that was part of our graduation gift to Kayla.   Let’s just say there was a little friction in our collective friendship, but not to the point that Chelsea and Jaime weren’t welcomed, nor did it preclude them from wanting to come.

Immersion helped us put that friction behind us.  The five of us rarely get together.  It’s mostly Mike talking/texting with Jaime, or Mike going over to their place to help Jaime with an issue related to DD.  Mike is clearly Jamie’s mentor, and in mentoring Jaime also ends up mentoring Chelsea to some degree.  Chelsea has a massive crush on Mike, which is part of the friction I referred to and will cover on another post.  Kayla also goes out a lot with Chelsea and sometimes with both Chelsea and Jaime.  Up until Immersion the three of them never had sex together.   Immersion changed that.

The three of them had a threesome.  Neither I nor Mike participated in that.  There was talk of Chelsea having sex with Mike, but Jaime never seemed fully on board.  Mike could sense it and had the restraint to squash the idea.  It’s complicated to explain, but if it doesn’t feel right, then it isn’t right.

Valerie and Raul joined us for an early dinner and hung out for the evening before heading home.  I shared before that they’ve been seeking a threesome but hadn’t found the right person.  I always thought Donna would be a good fit for them.  I’d be happy to help a friend out myself, but I think it would mess with our friend vibe and our vibe when we hung out with our other mutual friends.  Plus, I just sense Valerie doesn’t look at me that way or has hang-ups about Raul having sex with me.   Whatever, I respect it.

As part of inviting them to our Immersion, I explained what it was.  If they joined us, the idea was they would explore their own kinks.  It didn’t mean they had to have sex with us – it could just be something the two of them explore.   No rules about what they were expected to do with whom, just that they should look at it as an opportunity to explore.  Basically, I explained the full menu and they could order a la carte.

Long story short – they had a threesome with Donna.   Details at 11.

Just kidding.  This post is long enough.  Use your imagination.  I have to because I wasn’t invited and wasn’t there to witness it.  But I did get the first-hand accounts and get to see the after-glow.  Apparently, it went well!

Phew.  If our Circle of Trust gets any larger, I’ll need to rent an auditorium!  Maybe get some sponsors, vendors, and side-shows.   Immersion-Con 2020!   Are you in?