Tag Archives: love

356. THOSE WHO I HAVE INVITED INTO MY LIFE

It’s been awhile since I reflected on my submission. My submission has been on auto-pilot for at least a year, if not longer. Effortless. Routine. A reflex that is a part of me and my every day life. I believe that has contributed to my posting malaise.

At first, I wasn’t going to bother to blog about what I shared in Post 354. So much so that I had made a post (Post 353) that occurred after that first incident and I made no mention of the punishment. I was that bla​sé about it. It wasn’t until the second incident chronicled in my prior post that I felt like sharing any of it.

I was at a point where I was overly self-conscious about my DD. I stated this before. It was like I needed to isolate it and protect it by not sharing something that I know some people find abhorrent. Funny thing is I didn’t feel that way about any other aspect of my lifestyle. The free-wheeling sex and stuff, no problem! But my husband spanking my hiney… well, that’s just too much!

Then I published #353. I felt a rush. A sensation I hadn’t felt from blogging in a long time. And I realized it really excites me to share those stories. I immediately recognized that feeling as a feeling I get anytime I feel exposed. AND I LOVE THAT FEELING.

It very much relates to my exhibitionist thrill. I’ve shared this thrill in several posts, but simply, I love the uncomfortable feeling of putting something out there for people to see and judge. It goes back to… well, come on now, if you are a long time reader you know what I am going to say. No ramble from Jen is complete without it. . . It goes back to vulnerability!

I love feeling vulnerable. Of the many posts on that topic, I like my first one the best. Short and to the point, unlike most of my posts). Sharing what I view as the most-generally-understood-to–be-socially- unacceptable aspects of my life is very vulnerable inducing! Thus as soon as I hit “Publish” I got this hit of dopamine or whatever “feel good” endorphins the body creates. Me like!

And it has lit a flame in my belly that I haven’t felt in some time regarding blogging. I don’t know how long it will last, but it’s time to open the kimono more frequently and share what’s going on in my life. Even if no one reads it, just putting it out there feels exhilarating again.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SPANKING?
I don’t have any issues with how I was disciplined. I felt it was 100% deserved and appropriate. I anticipated worse, physically speaking. Emotionally? Well, maybe I got more than I expected, but I still believe Mike was spot on.

It is easy to question whether the discipline is effective. After all, it recurred in a matter of weeks and there have been multiple recurrences in the past. Since when is discipline ever a one-time cure-all? It isn’t, even in DD.

Having consequences for my actions, consequences that my husband has to deliver, is at the core of my submission and at the core of what has made me be the wife, mother, lover, friend, daughter, sister, and person I want to be. And while I hate to make such a bold prediction, I am highly confident that this particular issue will not recur. It’s in the vault!

IS SPANKING OVERRATED?
One area of reflection regarding this last incident is whether spanking is as effective as it once was, or if the non-spanking discipline is more effective? Difficult for me to judge. I think it varies which is why varying or mixing the type of discipline I receive works best for me. However, I leave that up to Mike as that is his responsibility. We still have regularly weekly Maintenance to stay calibrated, but it is ultimately his role to determine what is best – and over five years of doing this I don’t take exception to ANYTHING he has ever prescribed.

MY JOURNEY
Another area to reflect on is simply my journey. I love having this blog to go back to and I re-read my first dozen or so posts every so often. They still ring as true for me today as they did then. And for those newer readers of my blog who seemed a bit surprised that I am subject to the kind of discipline I shared in the last two posts — I encourage you to read those posts as well. I think they answer a lot of questions as to “Why?” My shortcuts can quickly get you to Post #1

FINAL THOUGHTS
This gets a bit esoteric, but I am keenly aware that full awareness is never possible (or maybe it is, but you’ll never be aware of it, thus the psychological conundrum regarding “awareness”) .

Point is, my perceptions about my own life and about my DD may never fully reflect “reality.” Sensations, thoughts, memories, images, desires, and emotions are constantly changing and superseding each other. Therefore, in times of self reflection I try to not just think through how it is I interpret my life and actions. It’s important for me also do a different type of self reflection. . . seeing myself through others.

It is through seeing myself through others that I believe I get a more accurate assessment of my life. By the way, others do not include faceless online trolls or even friendly blog followers. Those are all curious “outside” references, but should never define us. No, “others” are simply the people I have invited into my life. Mike and Kayla of course, but also my kids, extended family that I frequently interact with, our Circle of Trust, and friends. This even includes some online friendships.

I like that phrase…”those who I have invited into my life.” Much better than “family and friends.” It is the best way to think about the people you surround yourself with. It reminds you that YOU invite them into your life. Just as you may push others away (hopefully the toxic ones), you invite these people to stay (hopefully the health ones). THEY often can define you better than you can define yourself.

Based on their perspectives, I am as happy, healthy, confident, secure, and fulfilled as I perceive myself to be! It feels to me that there is nothing in existence that can EVER mount a meaningful challenge to that perception.

Until. . .

P.S. Hey English police, is it “those who I have invited into my life” or “those whom I have invited into my life?” I think I got it right re “who” versus “whom” but I could be wrong. Feel free to school me!

310. TJ AND KIM

310

I left the prior post teeing up some new friends, TJ and Kim.

CONUNDRUM
When I posted more regularly I could share stuff more in real time.  I could reflect and ponder my thoughts and feelings flowing through my mind.  I could share events as they unfolded.

But now I am a lazy-ass who neglects her blog.  By the time I get to write something, it’s well in the past.  Like that prior post regarding Chelsea and Jaime.  Her story is so interesting to me, and one I would have shared in more detail, if not for it being “old news” in my mind.  Thus, I skipped over the details of her story and got right to how it impacted me re Mike is now some sort of Discipline guru for them.

I miss writing through an experience.  Writing always causes a deeper and more meaningful reflection of how I feel about it all.  That’s always fun. . . well, for me anyway, maybe not you.

So here I am again with the same conundrum with TJ and Kim.  I can get right to where we are today, or I can share more of their background.  The interesting thing about them is, well. . . it’s THEM!  It’s their relationship, their circumstances, and their path that led them to my kinky fuckery.   Okay, yes, I hear many of you just say in your head, “That relationship stuff sounds boring, get to the kinky stuff!”   Sorry.  I think I will provide the background this time.

And just to keep some element of suspense here — know the ultimate kink in this relationship was not what I expected.   Okay, that sounds like I go into a friendship expecting some kink.  Let me rephrase – I wasn’t expecting it to lead to anything kinky at all.  But, when it was evident it was pointing in a kinky direction, it wasn’t quite the kink I expected.   With that. . .

TJ AND KIM
I met Kim at a park where I frequently walk my dogs.  She would be there with her three kids, 2 daughters, 14, and 12, and an 8-year-old son.   The kids are homeschooled and the park was where she takes them for some outside activities.  Nature trail, playground, and a great place to do a lesson if the weather cooperates.  

The oldest daughter is TJ’s from a prior marriage and the daughter has always lived with them.   The youngest has some developmental delays and issues.  Thus, we had two things to instantly bonding experiences.   One, being stepmoms that raised their step-child, and two, being moms to a special need child.    

The kids were first attracted to my dogs, which is how I got to know them and know Kim.  Over time we would often sit and talk while the kids played or did school work.  Kim would often bring along their lunch, and before long, I would make some cookies or bake something to surprise them with.   Kim and I began to text each other to more frequently to sync up our park time.   Over about six months I got to know them pretty well and yes, they got to know me and my “alternative” lifestyle. 

DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL   IF ASKED, DO TELL
As you may know, we have adopted an “if asked, do tell” approach to our lifestyle.  Not in the kink and sex stuff sort of way.  Basically, no different than if anyone has asked you if you are married.  You wouldn’t say, “Yes, and we fuck like rabbits.”  Well, okay.  Yes, some of you would you crazy kinkster.

Simply, I say something like “I am in a three adult relationship with me, my husband, and our girlfriend, and I have two grown kids out of the house and one teenager still at home.”   Any more details beyond that are based on their questions with the intent to provide honest information but the minimal amount necessary to answer their question.   Most people don’t ask many questions, at least not at first.

I don’t bring up the discipline, but it tends to come out over time if people are around me long enough.  They see it in my behavior or how I talk about Mike.  Over time, Kim not only came to fully understand my Triad, but the DD and D/s one as well.  Fortunately, it didn’t make her run away from me.  We continued growing our friendship undeterred. 

I GOT A JOB
At some point, Kim shared some of the challenges in homeschooling the eldest, Hailey.  It was pretty clear it was an issue of growing teen-angst peppered with other issues that would be tough on any 14-year-old.   Hailey’s mom and dad were only married about a year, and the dad got custody.  TJ and Kim married when Hailey was just 1 (somewhat like my situation with Mike and T1).   

The mom is remarried to a woman and had only sporadic involvement with Hailey over the years.  That contact has increased recently as her mom now lives closer to them. 

The short of it is one day at the park Hailey was struggling with a lesson.  I helped her “get it” and before you knew it, I became her tutor.  Kim even pays me.   I am not a teacher, but I did start out as pursuing an education degree.  I changed my focus to counseling and education psychology. 

Hailey responds well to me.  I think it reached a point where she didn’t want her mom (Kim) to be her teacher and just wanted her to be a mom.  Yes, Hailey refers to Kim as her mom.

The tutoring gig led me to go to their house and meet Kim’s husband, TJ.   He’s a doctor and they live in an upscale neighborhood with an amazing house.

THEY ALL KNOW
Shortly after I shared bits of my dynamic situation with Kim, to my surprise she shared that information with her kids.  In very basic terms, they knew I shared my husband with another woman, that I was bisexual, and, that I agreed to follow my husband’s rules.

While that sounds like a lot for a kid to process, it really isn’t.  Frankly, the 8-year can’t connect to what the implications of all that really are.  It simply is what it is.  “Oh, it’s like there’s two mom’s in the family,” and “So like your husband is like the boss?”    And that was that as far as he was concerned.  Just facts to know but nothing to judge and no cause for concern.   Only if everyone reacted this way!

The 14 and 12-year old processed it a bit differently.  They both asked their mom if I was gay or bisexual.  She told them something like, “bisexual I guess, you can ask her what she identifies as.”   She said they both shrugged it off but asked her, “Okay, just wondering but what do you think?”

Kim told them something to the effect, “Well, that’s not for me, but there are a lot of things that aren’t for me and a lot of things that are, and what’s important is love and happiness and if someone has that, then good for them, however, they have it.”

I admired how Kim navigated this with her kids and I think the non-judgemental response also helped Hailey in her thoughts about her biological mom.  Also, by reacting in a way that made it feel like a non-issue, it was. . . Surprise!  A non-issue.

As a quick aside – I have found more people react like Kim has than I have found react in a negative, judgemental, or abrasive manner.   Even people that I know strongly disagree with my choices, I do at least get a minimal amount of acceptance.   Ultimately, I don’t care what others think, but it is always nice to find that people can be accepting of something that is clearly not their cup of tea.   I think what has helped my experiences with this is the filters in my life.   I’ve mostly filtered out the toxic people.

MORE ON TJ AND KIM
TJ is 8 years older than Kim.  Oh, Kim is 39, TJ 47, married for 13 years. 
Tj’s ex-wife is 34, having Hailey when she was 20 and TJ was 33.   Kim actually knew TJ’s ex-wife.  They were all in the same circle of friends.  She knew TJ as well.   

As I began to be able to talk more and more privately with Kim. . . lots of texts and calls, and many lunch dates. . . I got to learn more about her personal life.  More specifically, her sex-life, or lack thereof.   And thus began the kinky adventure. 

As I wrote in my last post, I have become like this island for Misfit Kinksters.  People seem to open up to me about sex.  I think that’s part of what happens when you allow yourself to be vulnerable to someone — vulnerable by telling them the truth about who you are and what you feel.   If they don’t outright reject you because they are close-minded, scared, or just otherwise turned off — they instead will reciprocate.  Vulnerability is an amazing thing!  Maybe I should write a post about it.   Oh wait, I already wrote like 20!  Ha.   Yes, vulnerability is my favorite topic.  

So there you have it.  An intro on TJ and Kim.   As to where our relationship has evolved, well, stay tuned!  Lots to write about!  But as I stated at the start, it didn’t go where I thought it might. 

297. Love without Limits – My Ode to Blogging

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So many things I could share — A spanking I got?  Nah.  How about some expressive rant about what submission means to me?  Nope.  Talk of sex with John and Donna?  Uh-uh.  Oh, I have a new person I could tell you about, that’s it!  Nah, just not feeling it.   

Why am I not feeling it?

I’ve been cogitating on my prior post where I shared feeling self-conscious about my nipple piercings and pubic coiffure.  The term “self-conscious” never really resonated with adequately describing what I was feeling.   So what is it??

Then it hit me.  I realized there was more to it than a feeling of self-consciousness.  Further, whatever I am feeling is related to my posting hiatus at the end of the year and my lack of focus on what to share on this post.  Yep, what’s going on is deeper than I imagined. 

More on that in a bit. 

WHY I STARTED BLOGGING
Just after our first anniversary of giving Domestic Discipline a whirl, I reflected on my journey in self-amazement.  I couldn’t fully wrap my head around how far things evolved, not just in a DD sense or a kink sense, but in a relationship sense with Mike.  I had to write things down to fully think through and articulate to myself what this all meant to me.  So I did.  I typed pages and pages of stuff recalling my journey and thought process.  I did it as a mental and emotional exercise, initially not intending it for anyone else to read. 

But the more I typed, the more excited I got.  I just had to share my wonderment.  Yeah, a bit narcissistic, but hey, when you feel you found a good thing, you want to shout it from the rooftops.  But where?  I recalled having read a few blogs as part of my initial research.  That’s it, I would blog about it!

I took those early writings and turned them into my first dozen posts, up to the point I shared my first detailed Domestic Discipline Contract.   I initially never thought I’d go beyond that, but hey, I was hooked.  It was fun to blog, and a great way to sort through my thoughts.  So, with Post 13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”, I stated my intent to keep posting.   I had no idea it would lead to almost three years of sharing in almost 300 posts.     

WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
All the while I had Mike keeping an eye on my blogs.  He is very private, and his go-to response to sharing even the tiniest morsel of personal information online is, “What’s the upside?”  To his credit, he has been good about allowing most things I want to share, with a few obfuscations as to names and some other details.

Mike understood my upside.  Sharing was exhilarating for me, liberating, self-validating.  It warms me to know that others may find value in my insights and journey.  These feelings have propelled me to keep sharing and share more. 

But something has changed, and I was incorrect in my last post.  I am not feeling self-conscious about anything.   So what am I feeling?

SITTING ON A GOLD MINE!
I cherish the life I have, a life that I have worked hard to achieve along with Mike.  I feel so fulfilled, so purposeful, so meaningful in my day-to-day living.  More connected to Mike, more connected to my kids, and to everyone.   I’ve experienced the joy that comes through loving without limits, and it’s not just the sex.  The “free” sexuality aspect of TTWD is just one of many ways to express love without limits.  Such love goes beyond my submission, the sex, and the kink — but to be honest, it was the submission, the sex, and kink that showed us how to love without limits. 

It led us to John and Donna, to Kayla, to the naturalist lifestyle (and the conversation with the neighbors), to helping my friend Valerie,  to interesting conversations with other friends of mine, and to Matt.   Philosophically, it reinforced my belief that your perception is your reality.   And once I perceived a more loving, accepting, and nurturing world, that world became my reality.  Without getting on too much of tangent, I believe people project a certain vibe, and that vibe attracts or repels certain things…people, experiences, etc.   Project a different vibe, attract a different life – it’s karma.

I feel I have this great life that is extremely precious, more so than ever before.  

PROTECT THE GOLD
My life is a gold mine of fulfillment, pleasure, joy, and love.  Why do anything to risk it?  Why put it out there for others to scrutinize?  Why risk coming into contact with the wackos like the “
Fuck you, John” troll?   Why should I be doing anything that poses even the slightest risk at upsetting my apple cart of bliss?  Why share anything shocking that may prompt a negative response or make it that more damning if I am uncovered?   Why open myself to criticism over a very alternative lifestyle?

This “What’s the upside” feeling has been a major headwind that has slowed my blogging

Yeah, all those risks were there from day one, but day one I did not feel I was risking anything of great value.  And now my DD, my whole dynamic, everything about my life that I have shared — it’s priceless to me.  What’s the upside in putting it out there?

So I started feeling more protective of the life I built.  I didn’t want to “show it off” on my blog.  I didn’t want to do anything to draw attention to me or my dynamic.  The piercing and pube thing?  Yeah, that’s minor, but was all about trying to be more invisible.  I responded to fewer emails, I posted less (or not at all), I didn’t talk about it with friends who were aware of certain aspects of TTWD, and I became very passive in so many aspects of my life.  Yeah, trying to be more invisible.

REALLY, WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
If writing is cathartic, I can do so without putting it on my blog.  So I thought, aha, that’s it, I’ll continue to write but just put it all in my diary.   

But as I considered this, I realized something.  That would just suck.  That would be boring.  And frankly, I hate being invisible.  It just isn’t me.  I am typically “loud and proud.”  And let’s face it, blogging is fulfilling.

Through blogging, I gain. . .

EMPOWERMENT
It creates a strong sense of community that can’t be replaced IRL.  Sure, I could try to forge relationships by going to a FetLife function, but let’s be honest, that’s not where you go to workshop your esoteric rambles!   If it is, tell me where you live, I want to go to one of your FetLife functions.   Let’s face it, self-expression is just more difficult IRL.  Yeah, blogging creates a sense of community, and that sense is empowering.

ATTENTION?
Sure, I could just write in my diary, but that lacks the “publicness” of a blog (is that a word? it is now).  And let’s be real.  The attention of the page views, the sharing in the “likes,” and the participation in the comments. . . yeah, being able to witness the impact of my self-expression gives me a little buzz.   Who can’t help but like the little dopamine hit that comes with every click count we see, every like we get, and each comment that is made?   Look at me, look at me!! hee-hee.  Yeah, I admit it, as I have before, I am a bit selfish.   And, I already said I was a bit of an exhibitionist.

SELF DISCIPLINE 
Making myself think through an event or emotion helps build the emotional muscle memory to make better knee-jerk thoughts in the future. So many times I’ve started to type the “why” or “what” about a feeling, only to realize after typing it out, my initial thoughts were not really what was going on in my soul.   The exercise of getting to the bottom of what and why I am feeling something is just like any exercise.  It builds muscle – in this case, “emotional muscle,” to better understand my feelings going forward.  

BETTER LISTENER
Understanding myself better and allowing myself to be more vulnerable allows me to better understand others and approach them in a way that is more empathetic.  In fact, I’ve found the WordPress community to be empathetic, which makes it even easier to demonstrate my empathy.   I’ve learned from Twitter that it serves no useful purpose to have a dialogue with people who lack the basic empathetic skills necessary to view any experience other than their own as legitimate.  Yeah, that pretty much sums up Twitter.   In any event, that’s not what I get here.  People who aren’t into TTWD either just move on, or may still politely inquire or comment about one thing or another.

MORE ASSERTIVE
I just realized there is an assertiveness-building aspect to blogging.   I don’t mean assertive in an “in-your-face” thing.  That’s not assertive, that’s aggressive.   I mean boldly stating TTWD without apology helps reinforce my confidence in TTWD. 

I AM GOING TO KEEP GOING
I encourage everyone to blog, whether about dating, cooking, a day-in-the-life, or your significant other spanking your insolent butt!  Whatever the topic, it can deliver all the above rewards.

Blogging about TTWD has become important to me.  I’ll get through this funk and plan to keep on blogging.   Yeah, there are risks, but nothing worth gaining comes without some risk.  The risks are small as long as I remain diligent and under Mike’s watchful eye (and firm hand).     

Hopefully, my sharing serves as one more crack in the cornerstone of thinking that kink is disgusting, except your own. Embrace your kink and find others who will embrace it with you!  I sure have.  IRL and with you!  

Love without limits, and you get loved without limits. 

Next: 298. Beware I.S.D’s – Improvised Spanking Device

292. Kayla’s Triad Thursday Declaration

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I’ve promised a return to sharing more kink.  Forget family time!  It’s time to appeal to more prurient interests.   Yeah, be honest, that is why you read a blog like this! 

Well, I guess I lied.  You’ll have to wait for one more post.  This one will be the set up for the sizzling and salacious, the depraved and degenerate, the indecent and impure, the. . . well, you get the picture.  It sets the stage for the “fun” stuff, in this case, a punishment.   Yeah, I am flipping the Jenny script and sharing the aftermath of a punishment, then I’ll share the details of the punishment on the next post.    

This isn’t even about a punishment I received, it is Kayla’s.  What?  “In three months of no posting you didn’t receive a single noteworthy spanking?”    Yep.  I mean, not that I wasn’t spanked, but nothing noteworthy.  Anything I share of the last two or three months would be indistinguishable from other posts about punishments.  I can’t motivate myself to write about something that is so derivative of prior posts.  So instead, I will write about Kayla.  What makes it noteworthy is that it marks an evolution in our relationship.   

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES
Like most relationship changes, they come slowly and as part of a change in someone. 
The “initiator” recognizes a need for change before the other person does.  The initiator often stays silent for some time as they first try to understand and reconcile what that change means for themselves.   Even once they do, they sometimes are unsure how to articulate exactly what this change is.  Then there is some trigger, a tipping point, and they verbalize this change.  

In this case, the tipping point involved a punishment Mike gave Kayla.  I’ll share the details in the next post, but basically, it surprised me.  Not in its severity – it was not severe. It was just very different. 

I’ve learned to trust Mike and not question or worry about Kayla in regards to her discipline.  In fact, it was exactly a year ago that I learned that lesson well re Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.  That lesson was about learning to approach my concerns from a point of curiosity and of seeking clarity.   This was especially important when it came to issues dealing with Kayla and my concern that Mike remain on point with providing the discipline she wants and needs.  

TRIAD THURSDAY – KAYLA’S DECLARATION
We’ve started calling our Thursday Maintenance sessions “Triad Thursday” since, about eight months ago, we turned this into a family meeting of sorts with me, Mike, and Kayla all coming together for Maintenance.   As Kayla’s punishment in question happened on a Thursday, I felt it was a great opportunity to find clarity and resolve my concerns. 

Kayla’s reaction to my inquiry surprised me.   She said something like, 

“Jen, this is a great example of something that’s been bothering me but I haven’t been able to put my finger on.  I know you love me and are only looking out for me, but that’s the thing, I don’t need you to be looking out for me that way.   At least, not when it comes to the things Sir says or does to me.  Even though your questions are respectful, it still hurts me to have you question his disciplining of me.   If you want to know how I feel about a punishment I received, you can ask me.  Don’t bring it to a Maintenance.  This is not a Maintenance issue.”

Followed by. . . 

 “I want to be treated more like a wife to both of you than a “lesser third in a TriadI don’t want you as a mother, I want you as a friend, a partner, a confidant, a lover.”

Wow.   Yep. Those were her words.  She said it didn’t come out exactly how she intended, but, that yeah, the essence of it is all in there.  It’s hard to hear someone say that.  Your mind just hears, “I don’t want you.”  Thus, my defenses were triggered, but fortunately, my defensiveness didn’t last long.  I credit my years of training as a counselor and my generous and empathetic heart.  Yep, it had absolutely nothing to do with the stern look and word my initial response got from Mike. 

Brushing aside my bruised ego, what quickly ensued was a meaningful dialogue between the three of us.  I’ll spare the blow-by-blow, but it was positive, constructive, and loving.  The short version is this — Our relationship with Kayla is two years old, and Kayla is now 24.   While she was always mature beyond her years, she has grown a lot in those two years.  And ” a lot” is an understatement.   Her needs have changed.  Not as it relates to her submission, but as it relates to me.   

I had given up on being a disciplinarian to Kayla some time ago.  Part due to my own needs as a submissive and part due to her no longer desiring it.   And when she first moved in with us I was very much a “helicopter girlfriend” as I was very concerned for her well being.   And while I didn’t do this nearly as much, I still hovered over her needs in a motherly sort of way.   She was declaring her independence from my motherly type concerns for her.   Good for her!   And because I have been prone to sarcasm, I’ll state that there was no sarcasm in that statement.  Only pride, joy and love.  

SECOND WIFE?
We have been using the term “second wife” for a while in describing Mike’s relationship with Kayla.  Mostly in jest, but there is a tinge of seriousness to it, as there often is in humor.  But we had never once used that word to describe her relationship with me.   But she was right.  What has been evolving, and what her declaration just formalized, is that indeed, our relationship has crossed over to be more of that of “spousal peers.”   That was the term I came up with and she said, “Yeah, that’s it, that’s what I am trying to articulate.”     

It isn’t that she didn’t appreciate how she was treated before — she loved how we have treated her and credits it with her tremendous growth as a person.  It is simply that her needs have changed, and she is looking to be treated in a way that is consistent with her current needs.     

She is no longer that young woman who wants or needs my protection.  She is simply that young woman who wants and needs my love.  I should not go to Mike when I have a concern about Kayla that I have not yet shared with Kayla.  That is no different than how Kayla has treated me since the beginning.

While “wife” has legal connotations, it also has a lot of emotional ones.  And Kayla expressed she wanted the mantle of that title, not just between her and Mike, but between me and her. . . albeit an informal, non-legally binding title.   And for her it isn’t about any of the legal rights bestowed on that title. She is not interested in any of that.  She is interested in the standing it gives her in our family dynamic regarding how she is treated by me and by Mike.  It was easy to grant her this and both Mike and I committed to treating her this way from now one, whole-heartedly.   

There were no ill feelings from our conversation.  I truly lost my defensive feelings very quickly.  In addition, Mike reminded me how important it was for me to be so involved in her discipline and be overly sensitive to her needs in the early days of the relationship.  Even if I wasn’t administering discipline, I was often providing feedback to Mike, and not just because I would easily give it, but because he would frequently seek it.   While Kayla credits Mike for how wonderful of a Dom he is for her, Mike was quick to remind her that it came with a lot of insights from me.   

With a little reflection, any bruised ego or defensiveness I felt was quickly replaced with positive feelings.  Kayla’s “declaration” is part of the success of her growth that I have played a part in.  Far from feeling defensive, I feel admiration, love, pride, and joy – both to and from Kayla.  

Now, I know most of you pervs are saying, “Finally, you made your point.  Now, just tell us what the hell Kayla did and how she was summarily punished for it!”   Next post!

Post.  Love is not Pie

288. About dad

288

I thought I’d share a bit about my dad.   While a bit mundane, the truth is, most of life is pretty mundane, even for a bisexual, polyamourous, submissive, naturist, sexually adventurous person like myself! 

As shared in my last post, my dad died recently – just before Thanksgiving.   He was very much a product of his upbringing.  Like most people, he had a difficult time separating that upbringing with what truly made him happy.  He grew up in a very Anglo-Saxon-protestant-closed-minded-swallow-your-feelings-do-as-expected-the man-is-in-charge-appearance-over-substance family.   From what he shared with me about his father, it sounded like his father had it even worse than him, as did his father before that.  It’s as if each generation slowly shed this archaic and unhappy way of thinking, living, and loving.    

As part of this, my dad learned to drink his problems away, which clearly doesn’t work.  And when it doesn’t, the go-to is to then blame any problems on others — especially anyone “different.”   However, he also unlearned these things.  His life was very much one of transformation, into a thoughtful, loving, caring, and yes, even nurturing individual.   Having his own family – and namely my mother – is what changed him.  But it didn’t happen overnight.  

I never fully experienced the “old” version of my dad.  By the time I was born he had shunned most of his former ways (drinking, cheating, gambling, fighting — yeah, he spent some time in the county jail from various bar fights, drunk & disorderly, stuff like that).  My siblings experienced more of that version of him. 

He spent a long time trying to figure out how to be a good person.  It started with him first going down the path of trying to just be a good husband.  It took him a long time to get that right.  By the time I was born, (I am the youngest) he saw it as his last opportunity to get fatherhood right.  He worked hard to complete that path.  

He was present for me.  That’s saying a lot, as frankly, it all starts with being present for your kids.  Then, of course, it is about what happens when you are present.  My dad was involved and showed interest in all that I did, even making sure we had our own father-daughter outings without mom.   I felt loved, accepted, and special.  As a child, you can’t really ask for much better feelings than those.  I know I was fortunate that the dad I knew was not the dad my siblings knew or the person my mom first married. 

I think in some families this would have been fodder for resentment from my siblings, but honestly, it was the opposite.  They all were happy for me and for my mom – and for my dad.   While I am sure a part of them feels sorrow for what they missed out on, their lament never became resentment.  For that, all credit goes to my mom.  

My mom never made her kids feel responsible for their dad’s actions.  And she worked tirelessly to fill us with joyful experiences such that we never felt a void from our father.  And while my coming along was the impetus for his final transformation, it wasn’t a switch that suddenly flipped.   It did take him a little time with some backsliding — however, I was always oblivious to this as mom never let on as to what was going on.  Simply put, she allowed me and my siblings to experience the best of him and she shielded us from the worst. 

I often think of how hard that was on mom.  In many ways, the love we had for dad was undeserved and unearned.  If only we knew.  Ah, yes, what if we did?  What if we were exposed to his ugliness?   I can only imagine.   Instead, each of us was exposed to his love, to whatever extent he was able to give it at the time.  For me, it was a lot, and I will always be thankful to my mom for allowing him to express it and for me to experience it, absent any ill thoughts. 

And how do I know all of this?  Dad was very aware of his transformation and very open about talking about it.  Mom actually says little about it.  She never complained about how he once did this or once did that.  But he often apologized, openly and in front of us,  for having done certain things.   

He wanted us to understand who he was and who he had become so that we could understand that people can indeed change.  As a result, he also taught us that a lasting and joyful change can only be fueled by honesty, openness, and love.   And again, as much as I could credit my dad for teaching this lesson, it isn’t lost on me, nor was it ever lost on him, that this would have not been possible if not for my mom. 

She didn’t accept his behaviors and she even left him once for a time.  But despite his actions she still loved him.  Why?  I don’t know.  You can’t really explain love.  His actions would certainly be enough for most people to fall out of love.  Mom shared with me that she always saw that the best of him was always within him.  As long as she sensed it was in him, she couldn’t stop loving him. 

My dad was a fantastic grandfather to my kids.  He totally accepted T1 and treated him the same as all other grandkids (as a reminder, T1 is not my biological son, he is Mike’s from a prior relationship).   To be clear, T1 is my son, biology or not.  I am also grateful that my children got to experience the best version of my dad as possible, as have my nieces and nephews.      

Politics?  Family?   If you have only read my last few posts you’re probably confused as to what kind of blog this is.    Well, it’s a Jenny kind of blog!   I know the kink is more interesting, but there are times I need to show a bit of the person behind the kink. 

Yes, I am a wife, mother, PTA attending, suburban-living, middle-aged housewife living a pretty normal life.  It’s just wrapped in a lifestyle that is a bit unconventional (to put it mildly).  Domestic Discipline and all the other “stuff” that goes with “My DD” are things that I do and a part of who I am.  The occasional diversion into posts about other stuff is to help remind you that such things do not define all of who I am. 

Yeah, I am pretty normal.  For instance, just the other day after sex with my neighbors, my husband spanked me because . . .     

Next: 289.  The holidays – Thanksgiving

267. Free to be: Seeking Domestic Discipline

267

I wrote in my last post I had a lunch date that I was a little late to.  It was with my friend Valerie – one of my “lunch bunch” friends.   And what of Mike’s instructions of me?  I shared that he told me not to wear panties and he gave me one other instruction.  More on that “instruction” in a bit.

I found my friends situation fascinating, thus this post.  My fascination is less about her interest in Domestic Discipline and more about her fears, thus this post isn’t so much about “look at what she did,” and more about, “Wow, we often get in our own way when we try to seek fulfillment.”   

VALERIE
She’s a former co-worker, a few years younger than me, married just over 20 years, and a newly crowned “empty nester.”  If you read Post 222 you know I’ve come out to my friends about basically everything.  This prompted Valerie to talk with me privately about her own needs and desires.    

Valerie confided that she has always been a bit submissive with her husband.  Not in a D/s sort of way – deferring a lot to him and being more traditional in doing things for him.  She always got a thrill out of serving him, and even at times craved some discipline from him.  Not necessarily spanking, but she admitted to liking being scolded by him – something he doesn’t really do.  In fact, she described some of her behaviors to me that sounded an awful lot like “bratting,” to purposefully get a rise out her husband.

The concept of formal Domestic Discipline was foreign to her.  She always thought it was a role play thing, not a way of life thing, until she learned otherwise from me.   She has been in a heavily reflective mood with the last kid now out of the house.  Energized by my story, she feels she must do something to fulfill her needs.  She believes it is a great time to reinvent and reinvigorate her marriage.  

She wants to completely “come clean” on her past bisexual experiences as well as her current desires for DD – she wants to become completely vulnerable to him.  It is a scary thing, and not easy to do, thus she is looking to me for support.

HER MOTIVATION – “FREE TO BE”
She told me that t
hey have always had a tendency to be a bit reserved with each other.  She figures after 20+ years of marriage, it’s a good time to stop being shy about various needs and desires.  She wants them to both feel “free to be” as she put it.  In my words, she is anxious to take all of who they actually are and present the “FULL” version of themselves to the other –  all their experiences, all their desires.  In essence, to finally be 100% vulnerable to each other.   

WHAT’S THE HOLD UP?
I have been talking to Valerie for three months and she still lacks the confidence to talk to her husband.  She called me over to her house to have lunch because she thinks she is finally ready, but needs a final pep talk.  I found it interesting to categorize all her excuses for not talking to him yet.  It illustrates just how hard open communication (vulnerability) can be. 

Fear of Rejection
She is afraid he might get angry, even though she admits it is unlike him to do so… but in her mind, “what if?”  This fear is hard to overcome, especially if you. . .

Lack of self-confidence
To allow yourself to be vulnerable you have to love yourself first.  While you need a good dose of self-esteem and self-confidence, you don’t have to think of yourself as Wonder Woman.  Just a generally good feeling about yourself and recognize the positive qualities you bring to the relationship.  It also means you don’t need your partner to define who you are or to complete you.   If you lack confidence, your insecurities will impact your mutual happiness.

In talking with Valerie I observed that none of her insecurities were rooted in anything her husband has ever said or done.  He sounds like a very loving partner.  Her insecurities were more rooted in her concerns over being judged by society, by her parents, and religious issues.  Keep in mind her parents are both deceased – but she still seeks their approval.   It was clear, in her mind, society, her parents, and her religion, has reinforced that she is not entitled to express herself or ask for what she wants.  She is basically to suffer, as that suffering is righteous and therefore fulfilling.   Ug!

We talked a lot about her marriage and I suggested to her that everything she has described to me about their relationship indicates she should be very confident that her husband will lovingly respond.   It seems clear to me that he never wants her to suffer and would move mountains to insure she doesn’t.

Appearing needy, emotionally imperfect
She felt she shouldn’t have such strong desires to want certain things from him, that perhaps her desires were not rational.  Sharing them could expose her as weak or needy.

This seemed like a submissive catch-22 to me.  Because she has always been naturally submissive to him, she feels expressing her needs goes against her own nature.   I found myself virtually reciting from many of my past posts, such as my Doctrine of Submission, or in discussing how you can’t hold someone else responsible for your happiness.   This ties back to the self-confidence issue.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior / Mind reading
I discovered that the two of them have been arguing more and more lately, and Valerie admitted she was the instigator.  She wasn’t just saying that out of some default thinking that everything is her fault.  She said she recognizes that she has been doing things like the silent treatment or doing other things to elicit feelings of guilt on his part.  Her justification is, “he should be able to figure out that I need something.”  In other words, he should be a mind reader. 

She was able to rationalize how counter-productive her behaviors are, but, said she just can’t help it.  I told her in my experience, passive-aggressive behaviors often come from not being 100% present in the relationship – that is, not being 100% herself, not being vulnerable, not meeting her needs first and rarely expressing them.  I believe those behaviors will go away once she discloses all her feelings to him.

This also reminded me of my discussion with my sisters about what it means to be degrading, unfair, and unhealthy.   Valerie’s behaviors certainly qualify. 

I suggested that her passive-aggressive behaviors and resulting arguments would be the perfect conversation starter.  “I know I’ve been overly sensitive and frankly a bit mean lately.  It’s because I have been trying to reconcile some things in my mind.  I now realize I need your help in doing that.  Can we talk?” 

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
I told her that what I have learned over the past three years or so was that love was not enough in my marriage.  I didn’t just want Mike to love me.  I wanted Mike to help me discover who I am and to help achieve the best version of myself. 

That required a lot of honesty and openness, with both myself and with Mike.  And through our journey, I also helped Mike discover who he is and help him achieve the best version of himself.

FINAL THOUGHTS
If you recall, the prior post ended with Mike giving me two instructions.  One is that I could not wear panties on my visit, and the other…..

“Valerie, since you are considering allowing your husband to discipline you, it might help you to see what a good spanking can actually do.  First off, I am not wearing panties because Mike forbids it – such are the types of rules I agree to be subject to.   Secondly, he told me to show you the results of the spanking I got just before I left the house and that I was to fully share the extent of the discipline I received.”

I lifted my skirt and bent over, exposing my backside to her.  It was still red.  I stayed in that position as I explained the full extent of my discipline…the soaping and the spanking.  I put my skirt down and sat back down once I finished explaining it.

I asked her thoughts.  She said, “That’s exactly what I crave from my husband. Well, minus the pee stuff.”   

Ha!  Yeah, I get it.   That revelation can be… ready for it?  here it comes….  “hard to swallow.”   And with that, she said she felt ready to have that conversation that night.

HOW DID IT GO?
He apparently took it pretty well.  She told me he was upset with her for keeping it a secret and not trusting him enough to have told him earlier.  But, the next day, told her he had some things to share of his own.  She didn’t tell me what it was, but, in simple terms, it’s what I see in most healthy relationships — vulnerability gets reciprocated. 

The resulting conversations yielded them sharing not just sexual experiences of their past which they never shared before, but talking about current dreams and desires, sexual and otherwise.  She was light on details, but said their sex life has been in overdrive.  And as for Domestic Discipline, she said she would like me to come over and talk to her about my Contract, as they are wanting to codify her Duties and Obligations!

How delightful!

Next: 268. When the Dom is Gone, the subs Get it On. . . . . . and a spanking

238. Mystery Blogger Award

mba

It’s been more than a week since my last post.  Sort of self-imposed social media exile – not on purpose – but I simply was giving my blog and other social media a low priority lately.   The upside is I have several things from which to choose that I can share.  But before I do, I am overdue for accepting and passing forward a Mystery Blogger nomination from Naughty Nora.   

Thank you, Nora, and thank you for following me since just about the beginning, and providing your frequent comments to my posts.  You’re #1 in commenting on my posts with 115!

This award was Created by Okoto Enigma to highlight blogs that may be less well-known.

RULES

  • Put the award logo/image on your blog.   Easy! Done!
  • List the rules.   Well, you’re reading them!
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.  Done and done!
  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.   Nailed it!
  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.   Keep reading.
  • Answer the questions you were asked.   Will do!
  • You have to nominate 10 people. Wa? Huh? Er?  I don’t think I’ll do 10.  So, does that mean the MBA committee will revoke my nomination?  It’s a chance I’ll have to take.
  • Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.  Okay.
  • Ask your nominees any five questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question.  As if I have to be prompted to be weird!

THREE THINGS ABOUT ME
For someone with a ridiculously long About Me section, I can only give 3 things?  Okay,  how about something different?  Here’s three “philosophies” that reveal big parts of me:

  1. The older I get, the more I understand that it is not only okay to live a life others don’t understand, but finding the confidence to do so is extremely self affirming, rewarding, and fulfilling. (Confidence in revealing yourself, allowing yourself to be vulnerable = amazing feelings).
  2. An unimaginable array of pleasure and oneness awaits us when we let go of inhibitions, tune into our bodies, trust our partners (be vulnerable to them!), and broaden our ideas about love, compassion, and sex. (Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable to your partner).
  3. There is an amazing power in being present and mindful.  Sort of zen-thing, and it is about letting go of intentions and no longer mortgaging the present for the elusive promise of the future.  (stuff I shared back in Post 30. I Found my Thrill).

And while perhaps this violates the “rules” as it technically would be a fourth thing, these philosophies were only revealed to me and embraced by me with the advent of my DD three years ago.  These philosophies were foreign to the pre-DD Jenny.

Funny, but Mike, Kayla, and I happen to watch “Yes Man” yesterday as it was on HBO.   Mike and I both saw it years ago (pre-DD).  Watching it now, I really related to the premise of the movie, as my life since adopting DD has been a lot like simply saying “yes” and embracing what life has to offer.

QUESTIONS I WAS ASKED BY NAUGHTY NORA

  1. What would you say is your most endearing quality?
    Ability to empathize.  I think this ability is also something I seek out in those that I surround myself with.  I believe this is why I have a lot of friends that, on the surface don’t share a lot in common with me (political views,
    religious views, social views, kinks, various likes and dislikes) yet we find friendship via the mutual respect and fun we have when we get together.   Oh, also, I have to mention my endearing quality to be succinct and always follow the rules.  Not!!
  2. What is something about yourself you’d like to change/improve?
    I would like to be more present (See #3 in the About me section above).   I have made huge strides in this.  Unimaginable strides when I look back at it.  But it continues to be a work in progress.  I have come to realize it is the bedrock of what my DD is about. 
  3. If your house was burning down and you only had time to grab one material possession (let’s assume your entire family & pets are already safely out), what would you save?
    Large box of my family photos that include all my childhood family photos
  4. What is something that makes you feel nostalgic?
    Looking through my large box of family photos that include from my childhood.
  5. Favorite dessert?
    Whipped cream, if I get to lick it off off… ahem.  Uh, keep it clean Jen.  Pumpkin pie, yes, definitely, pumpkin pie.  And no, pumpkin is not a nickname for Kayla. Oh well, so much for keeping it clean.  

MY NOMINATIONS
So Nora and I follow and comment on a lot of the same blogs, so I won’t replicate any of her nominations.  So if she nominated you, please understand I am not over looking your continued support of my blog.

melwoodblog: a true mystery as he has yet to share via his blog — but from a few emails we have exchanged, it is clear he has lots of interesting and entertaining insights.

jadescastle I’ve been reading her blog ever since I started mine.  Very open and revealing insights into her journey. 

kdaddy23’s: I haven’t come across blogs from a bisexual male other than his.  Different perspective, different issues and challenges, all addressed in a very open and honest manner.  

The Indecisive WriterGreat accounts of various kinky fuckery!

QUESTIONS FOR MY NOMINEES

  1. When you last sang to yourself (or hummed, if you aren’t the singing type), what song was it?  Give details, the name of the song, the artist who recorded it (if you know), and what feeling it evoked in you.
  2. Name three things you and your partner have in common.  If not currently in a relationship, then what about with your last partner? 

  3. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

  4. What is your most treasured memory?
  5. What would be the coolest animal to scale up to the size of a horse?

That’s it! 

Next: 239. Filters: As you sow, so shall you reap

228. Addicted to Vulnerability (psst..and a spanking story)

228

I got a spanking last Friday after almost three weeks discipline-free.  That’s a long time for me.  I enjoyed the break.  I was feeling a bit down after many transgressions to end and start the year.  Constantly failing to do as Mike expects (and I expect of myself) wears on me and I was starting to feel like I was failing.  The nice stretch of excellent obedience helped reinvigorate me.  

THE TRANSGRESSION
Mike asked me to organize a bunch of family papers…insurance, invoices, tax documents, stuff like that.  I forgot!  He linked my inattentiveness to my
prior transgression of spending too much time on the internet…”You don’t forget to log on the first chance you get, but you forget a chore I assign you.”

THE DISCIPLINE
He was working from home when he realized I failed to do as he asked.  He told me to get a paddle and the nipple clamps with the chain and come back to his office.  He put the nipple clamps on me and added some weights that pulled the chain down.  He had me bend over and he spanked me 10 times on each check with a paddle – so 20 spankings. I then had to organize the files and return when I was done (the clamps stayed on).

I returned to his office about 45 minutes later.  He removed the clamps, lectured me a bit, then told me to stand in the corner.  In about 10 minutes he called me over.  He told me to firmly affix the clamps back on my nipples myself.  He then had me bend over and said I was getting 10 more on each check and, “There will be more if the clamps fall off.”  There is always a bit of jostling to my body during a spanking.  The weighted clamps start swinging, but almost always hold.  I guess I cheated a bit and didn’t have them on as firmly as I should.  One fell off half way through, and the last one fell off on the very last strike.  Thus he gave me an additional 10 more per cheek.

In all that was 30 on each cheek, and in various spots such that my entire ass was very red.  He then peed in a glass and had me stand in the corner and he gave me a few minutes to drink it up.  It was a lot!  Luckily it wasn’t too bad, pee can be pretty tasteless at times.  Anyway, yuck, I know.  This was a bit unusual for a punishment but not unheard of and I accept it.

When I finished drinking he tightly clamped my nipples and told me to stay in the corner.  Again about ten minutes later he walked up to me and told me to take a step or two back and lean against the wall.  There was no count, but I was spanked maybe 10 or 12 more times.  He then told me to pull the clamps off…not unclasp them…simply pull until they snapped off.  Ouch!   We then had our closing ceremony and that was that.  Sore butt and sore nipples!

THE REFLECTION TRAIN
I am almost three years into my DD and find that I don’t reflect on punishments as much as a once did.  I accept them and move on.  But, with almost three weeks punishment free, it put me in the mood to ride the reflection train. 

First stop, give thanks.
Before considering a negative thought for even a nanosecond, it is best to first give thanks.  I am thankful not only for all that DD has given me — more fulfillment than I ever had in the ~24 years of marriage that preceded our DD.  But I am thankful for our routine that allows me to maintain the submissive mindset that I love and thrive in.  Spankings from our Maintenance Sessions and our “leave the house” policy (were I get a quick reminder spanking anytime I leave to go somewhere with Mike) showed their value during the almost three weeks I went without discipline.  

Second stop, doubt.
Yep, even if just for moment, I sometimes take a quick stop at the Doubt Station and wonder why.  Why do I accept this?  Why do I need this?   I think occasional doubt is healthy.  You want to allow yourself to reassess things from time to time.  It doesn’t take me long to quickly squash those doubts.  I simply think through the answer and “poof,” the doubt is gone.  I thrive being submissive, I love everything about my household environment.  ~24 years of non-DD was never as fulfilling!

Third stop, “What if?”
My mind then takes a stop at the “What if?” Station.  I tend not to stay here too long either.  Personally I find “what if” to be unproductive.  But sometimes getting lost in thought doesn’t have to be about finding personal growth.  It can just be entertaining, and playing “what if” can be like a short imaginary adventure (or nightmare).  I wonder, back when I first brought up DD – what if Mike had rejected the idea?

It wouldn’t have made him a bad person.  Clearly, this dynamic is not for everyone.  Where would I be..where would we be…without it?   Worst of all, I’d be the same controlling Jen I used to be.  Mike wouldn’t be as happy, I wouldn’t be as happy, J wouldn’t be as happy.

And beyond no DD, would it mean no Kayla in our lives?  That crushes me too – we love her so much!   And I guess we would just have continued our platonic friendly relationship with John and Donna?  Clearly no Matt, and perhaps E not opening up to us about her naturism?  My lunch bunch friends would just be lunch bunch friends, unbonded over sharing some of our deepest desires.  Sex toys?  Probably few, if any.  My nipples wouldn’t be pierced, my blog wouldn’t exist, and the list goes on and on.

I feel so fortunate that Mike was open to exploring this with me.  He met the vulnerability I was showing with vulnerability of his own.  It takes two to have a successful DD or D/s relationship.  I am so fortunate to have Mike embrace this as he has. 

Last stop, Revelation!

My mind then takes it’s longest stop in it’s journey — the  Revelation Station.  Is there something my thoughts can reveal to me that perhaps was buried in my psyche? 

It begins to reveal itself to me. 

The old Jenny was impenetrable, vulnerable to no one, but who was nourished by the vulnerability of others — some life crisis people would share with her, eliciting her advice and guidance.   On the surface you could extol positive virtues on that Jenny — helpful, caring, loving, nurturing, wise.  In hindsight, her behaviors can be seen in a more accurate light – she had a need to feed off the tragedy of others.  That’s pretty pathetic.

Sure, others received some benefit in having a compassionate shoulder to cry on, but that compassionate was more selfish — about my need to feel better about my insecurities, my shortcomings, my unstated desires, as well as to continue to cover up and suppress the desires I didn’t even recognize were in me.

It changed when I became vulnerable through DD.  Yes, I still like to talk with people about their challenges, hopes and desires, but now it is truly from a compassionate, loving place.  Through my own vulnerability, I feel complete, confident, and courageous.  I am more honest with myself than I ever imagined possible – more honest with Mike and those around me in ways that would have scared the hell out of the old Jenny. 

Honesty — yeah, that’s the courageous part.  You have to have a lot of courage to be so honest about your needs, your hopes, your desires.  It takes tremendous courage to make yourself vulnerable to someone.  But once you do and experience positive results, it becomes addictive. 

I believe that’s were my satisfaction from exhibitionism comes from.  It isn’t just about sexual exhibitionism.  It is an emotional exhibitionism.  I am thriving off making myself vulnerable.  I think that is what makes Mike so adamant about reigning me in.  As I said before, if it were up to me, I’d be putting all of this on a YouTube channel, not an anonymous blog.   

And I don’t do it because of any need for attention or “look at me.”  I do it because I discovered the key to others being truly vulnerable to you, is for you to be vulnerable to them.  It then feeds on itself.  And for a vulnerability addict like myself, provides an amazing high.   

I never really understood that before, but it makes so much sense to me.  I guess that’s why I have so many posts dedicated to vulnerability.   (67129, 134 and others. And now I get why, to fall in love with someone, you do this).  

Vulnerability is an amazing aphrodisiac .  Either that, or I am just an eccentric psycho succubus slut of a weirdo.  Humm..nah, that’s not it.  Ahem, well, maybe one out of four?  You’ll just have to guess which one.  HA!

Next: 229.  Heading to Splitsville?

224. It’s all good: Behavior, Life, Love, Openness, Nudity

224

I feel so alive right now and in such a good groove on so many levels.

BEHAVIOR IS GOOD
I haven’t been disciplined in just over two weeks now.  I didn’t even get a chance to share my last spanking, so here it is in brevity.

I told someone I email back and forth with the city in which I live.  That is a no-no, and a big one.  Mike is very tired of me pushing the limits of our privacy rules.  The spanking was significant, even more than the New Years Eve one, and include the very real threat of losing my blog if I ever again disclose things like that without his permission.  Mike has shown he does not make idle threats.   He means it.

I was going to have a post all about it but it’s been so long I no longer feel compelled to share.  Suffice to say I was feeling pretty down about it.   I feel bad for pushing Mike to the point he had to make such a “nuclear” threat.  Compounding my feelings was that it was all part of about 4-6 weeks of some major “submission” fails in my book.

It caused me to focus more intently on adhering to my commitments and it paid off – like I said, I am now just over two weeks since my last disciplining.  As much as I prefer not being disciplined, two weeks discipline-free makes me all the more thankful for our maintenance sessions!  They have been welcomed and critical to helping me stay in a submissive mindset.  

LIFE IS GOOD!
Things are great on the D/s front, I am enjoying my volunteer work, J is doing great health and behavior-wise, T2 will be graduating college in May and has two job offers he is considering (leaning towards taking one in San Diego), and T1’s upcoming nuptials fill the air with excitement.  Kayla is wrapping up her first year of grad school (excellent grades), and seems to be in a good grove with her boyfriend, Michaud.  

LOVE IS GOOD!
Mike’s work is going well, and our relationship has never been stronger.  Mike and Kayla have also become exceptionally close and it warms my heart to witness it.  And my relationship with Kayla is strong as well.

We are human, so occasionally there are petty things that come up, but we hit them head on and talk about them whenever they arise – never let them fester.  Typically it deals with differences in how Mike treats us.  We all understand we have differences in our relationships with each other, in our needs as individuals, and in what Kayla and I thrive in as submissives.  But still, there are times we need to remind ourselves to appreciate these differences and not let them interfere in our happiness. 

Thankfully, such interference is few and far between.  I only mention it so as not to paint an inaccurate picture of constant bliss.  We are human, thus subject to the frailty of human emotions.   And a poly relationship with a married couple can exploit those frailties for everyone involved.   Thus communication and love is so extra important.    Love conquers all!

OPENNESS IS GOOD
Adding to all of that, it feels wonderful to be more open with who we are.  I know this seems contrary to Mike’s fervor over online privacy.   He draws a distinction between not hiding in the real world and being “out there” online.  He was feeling it was unfair to Kayla for us to have to hide things, as if we were embarrassed by it, which we were not.  And he felt i
t would be unfair for our kids to learn of it some other way.  And as for D/s, he wasn’t  enthusiastic with sharing, but he recognized it was also too difficult to keep hidden from those that frequently interact with us. 

He also knows my proclivity to push any flexibility he showsif I had my way, I’d be on YouTube singing the praises of my lifestyle choices.  Thus he has drawn a line with what I can and can’t share online and expects me to adhere to it.  And in “real world,” he still does not want us talking about it for no reason or without his permission – and when we do, give the least amount of information as needed.

Oh, one major “openness” breakthrough with Mike has to do with Kayla.  At times when she has to be introduced, we’ve given the awkward, “She is a family friend who is staying with us until she finishes school.”  (Post 112).  This description always made us feel bad, as if we were discounting what Kayla means to us.  Now, if asked or if simply introducing her, she will be “my girlfriend, Kayla.”   Easy enough for me to get away with without people thinking anything of it, as the term has platonic connotations when I say it.  But Mike will also be saying this.  It will certainly raise some eyebrows.  I am excited for Kayla as I know it makes her feel very good – very valued – that we are willing to do this.

NUDITY IS GOOD
E’s revelation excites me.  I’ve shared a little bit about my upbringing in so far as some of the values championed by my mother than were instilled in me.  Here’s a tidbit I haven’t shared before that is both curious and humorous.  I was a child nudist!  

My parents told me my penchant for wearing my birthday suit began as soon as I was able to take my own clothes off – and even before I was potty trained.  Once i figured out I could pull a diaper off, off they came.  Suffice to say my parents had extra incentive to quickly get me potty trained. 

My mom said I would complain that clothing was “heavy and itchy.”  I think I had some overactive tactile response to clothing.  She would try to get me light and loose-fitting materials, but no avail.  By around age 5 we seemed to have negotiated an arrangement where I was always naked at home, but understood I needed to wear clothes when certain people came over or we went out.  My parents were very accommodating, never making me feel bad for wanting to be clothes free.  Their “everyone else has clothes on” seemed to convince me that I should too without feeling bad for preferring to be naked.

At the start of first grade (just turned 6) I got the “you’re a big girl now, going to school, yadda yadda. . . thus you need to start wearing clothes.”  I remember not understanding why it was a big deal to be naked at home.  I vividly remember my mom asking me at what age I think I should stop being naked around the house.  I told her, “when I have boobies because that’s what bothers people.”  I once thought this innocent answer was cute, but grew to take it as a sad commentary that still applies to society’s views on nudity.  I digress.

Growing up there wasn’t a lot of nudity (other than me) in the house, but there also wasn’t any shame in it.  If I happened to wander in at an inopportune moment, neither my parents or siblings cared – and any questions were met with age appropriate answers – much like how Mike and I run our household.  

On my seventh birthday, I boldly announced my decision to start wearing clothes around the house.  I remember it made me feel grown up to proclaim this, even though I still wanted to be naked.  At that point I confined my nudity mostly to my room.  My routine was after a bath I would dry off and stay naked as I made my way to my room and I slept in the nude.  It stayed that way all the way until college.  From there I got in the habit of wearing pajamas and pretty much retained that habit until embracing D/s.  

Today, being naked around the house has rekindled the “naturist” within me.  I loved it last year when Mike, Kayla, and I were nude on our Immersion get-away.   And now with E, I’ve found a kindred spirit in the desire to be clothes-free.  Fortunately, Mike is supportive.  We are eagerly planning a getaway this summer.

A question remains whether we will bring J with us.  We might go during the two weeks of the summer he spends at my parents.  But we also might just take him.  The nudity isn’t a concern for us, it is the accommodations.  With his disability there is a lot we have to consider, from accessibility, dietary needs, and entertainment.  If we can find the right place, we may take him, otherwise, we won’t.

Oh, this reminds me of a skinny dipping story of my youth!  Perhaps on my next post!

Post 225. Pansexual (and a skinny dip story)

202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

202

There are several things I want to write about.  I want to “unpack” some emotions and reflections on my misbehavior per my prior post.  I also want to talk about Kayla and what she was referring to in the statement she made (also from my prior post).   So, with that, I think I’ll start with something else completely. HA HA!

QUARTERLY GOAL
Our new DD Contract provides for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me.  “Such goals are to be focused on Jennifer’s self improvement…”   As I shared, Mike’s first goal for me was to lose 18 pounds by January 18.  The Quarterly Goal falls under the Respect Mike as Head of Household subsection of our Obedience clause.  Missing the goal would result in a punishment since it would be disobedient of me to fail.

18.3 pounds to be exact.  I started at 153.3 pounds, goal is 135. I am 136.8

I am confident I’ll make it.  The pounds have come off more slowly lately but 1.8 pounds in two weeks is doable.   Mike is going to weigh me three times on the 18th (morning, afternoon, and evening) and take an average.  Oh, in case you are wondering, I am 5’6″.  By the way, I weighed between 160-165 for most of my 40’s.  I slowly lost weight about the time our DD started in 2015.  I wasn’t dieting or focusing on it.  It was the byproduct of simply taking better care of myself and being more active.

I feel great and found it easier to lose than I anticipated.  I think my submissive mindset helped.  It also helped that Mike held me to an exercise regimen else I could be punished – I always kept to my exercise schedule.  Also, Mike made me ask him for permission if I wanted a treat — an occasional cookie or whatever.  I never had to ask because I never wanted such treats.  

HOLD ON, DID YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND MADE YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
I feel compelled to share my thoughts on Mike’s choice of weight loss as my first goal.  If you think the topic of being a submissive wife isn’t incendiary enough, throw in a husband’s demands about their wife’s appearance and you have a very incendiary topic.  It reeks of self-serving misogyny,  a furthering of the chauvinistic patriarchy.   It serves to objectify women which deepens the blame women get for the lustful and licentious urges of men.  It promotes women as vixens, as sirens, as monsters.

Or not.   Yeah, I guess it could be all those things, or could just be that Mike has a preference regarding my appearance and I am happy to oblige. 

My submission is about Mike’s preferences; mundane preferences regarding the household or bigger topics like sex, my behavior, or even about my personal appearance and weight.   I’ve loved the new “dress code” and I love the thinner me.  And it’s not like I am thin.  I am a good weight, not thin, not to fat.

If Mike were to ask me to lose more I would consider it, but could “veto.”  We agreed that I can use a safe word on any Quarterly Goal if I felt I could not handle it or it became too burdensome to continue.  As for the next Quarterly Goal, well, Mike hasn’t said what he has in mind.

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE?
If you recall, Mike committed to losing 12 himself.  He didn’t have to but said he wanted to provide a “supportive” environment.  Well, he is falling short.  He has lost eight and I don’t see four coming off in the next two weeks.  Obviously there is no consequences for him other than I win bragging rights.   Now is that fair?   

FAIRNESS IN D/s
I first wrote about the concept of fairness in D/s in Post 136. Submitted Wife.  I’ll try not to repeat myself.

Is it fair that Mike does not have to suffer consequences for not meeting his weight commitment?   In fact, is it fair that he doesn’t have consequences for any of his mistakes or negative behavior?  Why should I get spanked while he gets off without even a slap on the wrist?   D/s seems inherently unfair.

I imagine this idea of “unfairness” is hard for some new submisssives to accept.  To those who see it as unfiar I say that D/s is very fair.  Any idea of unfairness, while understandable, is framed in a distorted view of what “fair” means.       

I believe those who see it as unfair are confusing Fairness with Sameness.  Yes, roles and responsibilities are not the same in D/s, but that doesn’t make them inherently unfair.  I have taken on a unique role in our household, and Mike also has a unique role.  They are not the same, they require different types of commitments, thus must be judged by different criteria.  They both have consequences, but those consequences are different.

It has happened many times where I have been punished for a behavior that Mike has been guilty of too.  That is not the point.  His behavior is not in question with the roles and responsibilities we have established.   His behavior is not relevant to my Duties and Obligations – Duties and Obligations that I helped create and that I committed to.  It is no different from if some other woman behaved contrary to my rules.  So what!?!!?  It is not relevant to my performance of my Duties and Obligations.

Mike has said that punishing me for behaviors he is guilty of actually has an impact on him.  He does reflect on it and it gives him resolve to not repeat it.  But that is a by-product of a healthy D/s relationship.  It isn’t a stated requirement.

And consider that Mike has his own set of duties and obligations that differ from mine.  He has to consider the impact of his decisions.  The impact on me, on Kayla, on our relationship.  It is a big responsibility.  He has to make difficult decisions, such as what occurred in the last post, knowing those decisions could anger or disappoint me or Kayla.  With power comes great responsibility.

Yes, I find it fair that Mike is subject to his own self-discipline regarding his behavior, and that I am subject to his physical discipline regarding mine.   That’s how D/s works.  Sure, corporal punishment is the technique used to guide my behavior and reduce conflict, but that reduction in conflict gives space to love, adoration, respect, and fulfillment.  The “Discipline” in Domestic Discipline is love. Sounds fair to me.

NEXT: 203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery