Tag Archives: discipline

178. Embracing Shame

shame

I posted before about how Kayla’s submission is different from mine (Post 111. DD Jenny Style vs. Kayla Style).  I thought I’d revisit this as I’ve been thinking about the feelings I get versus the feelings she gets from being submissive and from being disciplined.  Writing about this then morphed into something a little different.  It led me to dive more deeply into my feelings, more specifically, my feelings of shame, and why I embrace that feeling.  Hey’s it’s been awhile since I’ve had an esoteric ramble.  Indulge me! 

Words won’t tell the complete story because words carry different meanings for each of us.  Whatever words I use will probably be taken to mean something different by some of you, and those differences may be small, or may be large.  Overall I would say Kayla’s submission has more “grit” to it than mine.  The discipline she receives is more harsh than mine.  I am tempted to use words like demeaning or humiliating but I know Kayla does not see it that way.  She likes to frame it as her finding growth, healing, and thus ultimately satisfaction, in feelings of shame and embarrassment in front of Mike.  She does not label what she feels as feelings of being demeaned or humiliated.

It made me think more deeply about the differences between humiliation and shame and led me to further embrace shame. 

HUMILIATE VS HUMBLE
Humiliation connotes disgrace or disrepute.  It infers feelings that clearly cross over from simple humility into, well, into humiliation.  But, the definition of humiliation includes “shame,” and “embarrassment.”   Hum. . . the exact words Kayla uses to define her feelings on being disciplined.

This just underscores for me that words are power and the same word can mean different things to different people.  It would be easy for me to label what she goes through as “humiliation” and while many of the feelings she gets fit that definition, she would never describe it that way.  Interesting.  And I am sure some of you would label what I go through as “humiliation” and I would never describe it that way.  Interesting indeed!

I know some of you may be like me and view humiliation as a more intense and unpleasant version of humility.  Other may see them as essentially identical, so much so you may be fine with exploring deeper and deeper senses of humiliation.   Nothing wrong with that, but that’s not me.  But, it does seem to be more to Kayla’s liking.

DEGRADE VERSUS SHAME
Clearly humiliation and shame are at least cousins, if not siblings.  They come from similar places but carry a different meaning.   And what “humiliation” is to “humbled,” I think “degrading” is to “shame.”  The definition of degrading also includes the word shame and humiliation. So again, in a lot of ways all these words are the same — but yet different.  The difference is in degrees as measured by each individual person.   To me, being degraded is like humiliation and shame on steroids.  To others, simply being made to feel shameful could be considered degrading.

One of my feelings during discipline is a feeling of shame.  Shame for my behavior and a keen awareness of my guilt.  I often think that is why discipline is so effective.   The various negative feelings anyone may have about their behavior is often locked up deep inside, behind their pride and arrogance.  Unlocking those feelings often require more than just a talk.  Domestic Discipline helps unlock those feelings.  More precisely, the shame that discipline evokes helps unlock and purge those feelings.

CRYING
Here was an interesting connection for me.  Kayla said the likelihood and degree of her crying during discipline correlates to the degree of shame and embarrassment she was feeling.  I sort of knew this, but never fully connected that.  When she said it, I immediately recognized that I feel exactly the same way!   While the actual physical pain might be part of any crying, it is more about the emotional release of the guilt through the shame.  Very much the reason I cried during the last spanking I shared.  The more shame I feel, the more likely I am to cry.

Both Kayla and I agreed that embarrassment also plays a small part in the “cry factor.”  The first ten times or so of being disciplined carried a lot of “embarrassment” factor, thus more tears.  Likely from a combination of nervousness from uncertainty along with the embarrassment from the vulnerability of being naked.  Of course, then there is the whole feeling of knowing you are going to be spanked.  There is still the occasional feeling of embarrassment when we do something particularly bad.  For me it is more likely to come with a repeated offense.

I have evolved in my submission where I feel greater absolution, greater nourishment, greater release of negative thoughts, a greater connection with Mike, a greater connection with who I want to be — all through feeling ashamed of my behavior or attitude.  I believe this is why I evolved from needing Mike to “correct me” when I failed myself, i.e., “My DD,” to needing him to do so when I fail him, i.e., “DD for me.” (Post 167. What is “Mine” versus What is “For Me”).  Further, it is why I wanted him to make lecturing or scolding me a regular part of my Discipline.  For me, it carries more shame to fail him than it does to fail myself.  Through that shame, I heal, I improve, I achieve, I love.

Any discipline I receive is a process that leads, sometimes painfully, to the point of awakening my sense of shame.  And the greater my shame, the greater the tears.  Discipline as a deterrent is not just about the unpleasantness of being spanked , it is about the even greater unpleasantness of being made to feel ashamed of my actions.

NUDITY
Thought I’d comment on this since I mentioned it as part of the “embarrassment” factor.  It goes beyond just embarrassment.  Heck, my husband has seen me naked countless times.  It is not about shame regarding my body.  Far from it.  It is about vulnerability.  We are naturally more humbled when we feel vulnerable, thus it feeds into the feeling of humbleness (or humiliation if you prefer).

Oh – nudity, at least being bare-bottom at a minimum, also serves a functional purpose in discipline.  It is wise for the Dom to be able to see the results of what they are doing so as not to inflict unintended injury.

LECTURING
In the past, Mike did not lecture or scold me during Discipline.  Sometimes he would say something briefly about what I did, but it didn’t amount to scolding.  I wanted to add this to our dynamic and Mike readily agreed.  While I have yet to experience it, I am more afraid of my first lecture than I am of my next spanking.   It makes my stomach turn to knots and I can almost cry just thinking about it.

I can imagine his lecturing will make it painfully clear (as in emotionally painful) that I let myself and him down.  That he must take and is willing to take this drastic action because he loves me and knows it is for my own good.  I know he prefers not to spank me, but his greatest preference is to not encourage my misbehavior.  He has that preference because loves me and he knows it is also my preference.  Just thinking about all of this makes me want to cry – and then you add the physical discipline to it.   Yikes!

DISCIPLINE CEREMONY
I thought it would be helpful to add this.  I think having a Discipline Ceremony also feeds into my sense of shame.  You can read about our Ceremony in our Contract.  Having to remain silent, having to collect the implement, having to stand in the corner, having to assume whatever position he asks,  or whatever else is expected of me during the Discipline — all have a humbling, thus shameful impact on me.

Shame from the Ceremony.   Shame from Nudity.  Shame from Physical Discipline.  I am accustomed to those.  Now, we have Shame from Lecturing.  I talked with Mike and forewarned him I may cry like never before the first time I have to be Disciplined under our new agreement.   I don’t want him to be caught off guard by it or misinterpret it.

I embrace shame.  I embrace it as my healer, as my absolution, as my willingness to submit to Mike.

177. My Final Spanking

177

Click bait!  Okay, not my final as in “forever”, but I did earn my final spanking under our “2.0” Contract.  

MY “FINAL” SPANKING
Mike and I were standing in the bathroom getting ready for bed, Mike mentioned he would like me to do a better job of cleaning the sink regarding some build-up around the drain.  He said it nicely with a matter-of-fact tone.  I was brushing my teeth but managed a quick head nod and an “Okay.” He corrected me, “What?”  I quickly responded back with toothpaste filled mouth mumble, “Yes, Sir, I will clean it better.”  I went back to brushing my teeth and after I spit out the toothpaste I blurted, “Am I going to be spanked for that?”

 “Sub fail” on many levels.

  • I already failed to call him “Sir.”  No need to possibly compound things.
  • Although I meant it as a real question, my tone was a bit snarky.
  •  I am not allowed to question whether or not I am going to be punished.

Mike reminded me that he was not required to explain or clarify, but he said he would “for my sake.”  He said the sink cleaning was intended as a “request for next time” and not meant as a failure to perform my duties.  Further, he felt the “Sir” slip was minor, as it was in a very casual moment with my mouth full.  He was going to let that pass.   However, he could not let my questioning pass.

He told me to bend over and he pulled down my pajamas.  I wasn’t nude because I planned to check on some things around the house before getting into bed and I typically don’t walk around naked if J is home.  After a few warm ups by hand, he took the hairbrush from the drawer and gave me 15 on one cheek, then 15 on the  other – using a greater than normal force.  It was enough to make me bite my lip and immediately rub my behind once he asked me to stand.   He then said, “Not enough.  Go get my belt and lay down on the bed on your stomach and I’ll be there in a minute.”

As part of our normal ritual for such occurrences, I placed the belt across my bottom as I laid waiting on the bed. When he walked up next to me he quickly grabbed the belt and in one quick motion gave me a three hard back-to-back-to-back whacks.

Mike then told me to count off after each one, up to 15.  He continued to use a lot of force.  At one point, about six or seven in, he paused for just a moment and when he resumed, I messed up the count.  Mike started over at one.  Suffice to say my butt reflected the fact that the strikes with both the hairbrush and belt were very hard.

He told me to stand in the corner and he put clothes pins on my nipples.  He said he would finish getting ready for bed.  It was probably less than 10 minutes when he returned.  He sat in a chair, called me over, removed the clothes pins, and had me bend over his knee.  He gave me about 20 more by hand.   

I was crying a little bit.  As usual, any crying has as much to do with remorse as it does with discomfort, but this one was maybe 60-40 with the pain beating out the remorse.  Ouchy!  Anyway, it was then on to After Care and that was that – except for a sore butt from awhile.    

In case you were wondering, Kayla was there during this, going about her nighttime routine.  When one of us is being disciplined, the other simply goes about whatever they were doing.  Unless instructed otherwise by Mike, we don’t make it a point to stay away, but we don’t make it a point to watch.

And that was my last spanking under our 2015-2017 Contract!

NEXT:  178.  Embracing Shame

174. My DD 3.0: Domestic Discipline Contract

Sign
I am proud of my Contract and strongly encourage every couple to codify their obligations to each other, with or without the kink.  The process itself is such an amazing and bonding experience.

WHY 3.0?
Our first agreement, good for 30 days, was March 17, 2015, followed by our second that was for six months.  Those constitute “1.0” versions of our dynamic.  Our third and much more comprehensive Agreement was for two years, expiring October 17, 2017.  That was out “2.0” version.   Our new Agreement, marking a significant shift in our dynamic, is therefore  “3.0,” and runs through March 17,  2019 (I’ll use another post to share why).

I shared tips on how we approached our 2015 contract (Post. 10. My Approach to Our DD Contract), and while those tips still apply, there were different considerations this time.    This was waaaay longer than we intended, but we introduce things that are unfamliar to us and thus they required more specificity to properly communicate expectations – especially in defining Obedience and what it means to respect Mike as Head of Household.  (oh boy – that section is the longest!)

SIGNING CEREMONY
We call a Renegotiation Session into order, meaning all rules are suspended.  We review and make sure we are both ready to sign.  We then get the existing agreement and we go outside, put it in the barbecue pit, and light it on fire.  We watch it completely burn.  In that moment, our relationship has no written commitment codifying what our DD means to us.  We then go inside and sign the new agreement.

This ceremony symbolizes the new Agreement is not just a continuation of our DD, but a new beginning for our DD.   Sappy I know, but this ritual, like most rituals, is a powerful and uplifting thing for the mind.

Hopefully the formatting is okay as WordPress does some funky things when you cut and paste.  Also, we are signing it tonight and may still find a few typos and things which we will correct before signing.  But here is where it stands as of this posting.  Without further babbling, get out your popcorn and settle in, as this is a long one.

OUR DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE CONTRACT

TABLE OF CONTENTS

I. Purpose
II. Definitions
III. Effective Date, Term, and Renegotiations
IV. General Duties and Obligations
V. Jennifer’s Specific Duties and Obligations
VI. Discipline
VII. Maintenance Sessions
Exhibit A

Whereas Mike and Jennifer voluntarily and without pressure from the other or from anyone else, are entering into a loving, caring, and consensual agreement regarding their obligations to one another for the Purpose stated below.

SECTION I. PURPOSE

Through this Agreement, Mike and Jennifer create a caring, consensual, and fair set of obligations and duties that reinforce their commitments to one another.  This Agreement facilitates Jennifer’s desires to serve Mike in ways that help Jennifer live the life she desires for herself and to allow her to love life, every moment, and every day.

Mike’s statement of intent: Jennifer, I love you without limitation or condition.  I admire and respect all that you do for me and our family.  I commit to always treating you in the manner you want to be treated.  Thank you for the incredible trust and confidence you place in me, and most importantly, for your love.  I intend to consistently adhere to your wishes in helping you be the person you strive to be. 

Jennifer’s statement of intent: Mike, words fail to fully express my thanks and the  joy, admiration, and fulfillment I receive in all you have done and continue to do for me.  I wholeheartedly enter into this Agreement with you as the next chapter in my desire to submit to you.  I look forward to consistently meeting my committments with your leadership to guide me.  I intend to surrender myself to you because my love, respect, and trust in you is without end.

SECTION II. DEFINITIONS

  1. DISOBEDIENCE: Violation by Jennifer of her Duties and Obligations.  Other commonly understood terms include but are not limited to “transgressions,” “wrong doing,” “misdeed,” or “defiance.”
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  2. DISCIPLINE: A consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience. Other commonly understood terms for such consequences include but are not limited to “punishment,” “penalty,” spanking,” and “reprimand.”   The forms of Discipline are  specified in Section VI.7.  

SECTION III. EFFECTIVE DATE, TERM, AND RENEGOTIATION

  1. TERM:  Mike and Jennifer agree to these terms effective October 17, 2017, and these terms remain valid until changed by Renegotiation. The next scheduled Renegotiation Date is in one-and-a-half (1.5) years, on March 17, 2019, and any changes, suspension, or termination of this Agreement are subject to Section III.
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  2. RENEGOTIATION DATE:  Mike and Jennifer shall meet no later than March 17, 2019 (“Renegotiation Date”), to discuss renegotiation of this Agreement. If the parties are unable to meet by the Renegotiation Date, both parties must mutually agree on an alternative Renegotiation Date.  Any alternative date must be set no later than April 17, 2019.  Failure to meet or renegotiate by that date will result in automatic renewal of the contract under its present terms and the Renegotiation Date will be reset by one full year, to March 17, 2020.  If future Renegotiation Dates do not result in completion of the Renegotiation Process, the contract will continue to automatically renew in one-year increments in perpetuity with the Renegotiation Date date being reset each renewal by one full year.  If either party purposely avoids a Renegotiation, this contract can be terminated with cause by either Jennifer or Mike by April 17, in the year the Renegotiation was avoided.
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  3. RENEGOTIATION PROCESS

    1. CALL TO ORDER / SUSPENSION OF AGREEMENT  Meeting begins by Mike declaring “The Renegotiating Meeting is now in order,”  upon which the terms of this Agreement other than  Section III and Section III sub-sections, become immediately suspended.
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    2. RENEGOTIATION MEETING:   Mike and Jennifer will  discuss and agree upon any desired changes to this Agreement.  It is not a critique of anyone’s past performance under the Agreement and discussions are focused on what is desired for the future.  Notwithstanding, Jennifer is free to express herself, bound only by Section III of this Agreement.  She begins the Renegotiation Discussions on equal terms as Mike, no longer submissive to him.   Jennifer speaks first to recognizes that she is the author of this Agreement and can consider Mike’s input at her discretion.  If the meeting must continue into a second or subsequent meeting, Jennifer will declare, “This Renegotiating Meeting will continue on {stated date and/or time} and I once again bound by our existing Agreement.”  Upon that declaration, the Suspension of Agreement ends and this entire Agreement is in full effect until  Mike calls the next Renegotiation meeting to order.  Once the Agreement is signed, Jennifer will then declare, “This Renegotiation Meeting is now over and I am bound by our new Agreement.” 

SECTION IV. GENERAL DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

  1. FOR JENNIFER:  Jennifer shall, at all times, be Honest, Obedient, and Safe in her daily life, and to adhere to all aspects regarding the moral commitments she has made under this Agreement.  It is Jennifer’s expressed and unqualified intent to be accountable to Mike for any and all of her behaviors.  Jennifer shall defer to Mike’s judgement in determining if her behavior is Disobedient and defer to Mike’s judgement in determining proper Discipline.  If Jennifer has any concerns about Mike’s execution of her Discipline, she will respectively discuss it only during Maintenance Sessions.  Jennifer accepts Mike’s commands not because she is any less than Mike, but because Jennifer accepts Mike’s authority over her.
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  2. FOR MIKE:  Mike shall strive to never hesitate to hold Jennifer accountable for her behavior.  Mike commits to sharing his desires with Jennifer, however prurient, patriarchal, or misogynistic they may be interpreted by Jennifer or others, and Mike will inform Jennifer if he demands her to help fulfill those desires.  When Disciplining Jennifer, Mike will strive to maintain a professional businesslike tone, avoiding a condescending or degrading tone.  This reflects that Mike is in control of both Jennifer and himself.

V.  JENNIFER’S SPECIFIC DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

Jennifer’s Duties and Obligations consist of Honesy, Obedience and Safety.

  1. HONESTY:  Jennifer’s shall always be unquestionably honest with Mike.  Evaluating her honesty is at Mike’s discretion.  Any doubt as to Jennifer’s honesty is sufficient to be labeled as dishonest.  Dishonesty includes embellishment, withholding whole or part of the truth, and failure to share with Mike things he deems important for him to know.
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  2. OBEDIENCE:  Includes 1. Respect Mike as Head of Household, 2. Physical Self Care, 3. Emotional Self-Care,  4. Finances.
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    1. RESPECT MIKE AS HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD consists of ten components:
      1. Respectful Tone and Acknowledgement:  Jennifer shall maintain, at all times, whether in public or in private, a respectful tone in speaking to Mike; avoiding a tone that Mike interprets as rude, dismissive, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to to him;  responding to Mike with “Yes Sir” or “No Sir” or “Thank you, Sir” as appropriate;  never cuss at Mike.
      2. Promptness:  Jennifer shall do what Mike tells her without hesitation and without body language that Mike may interpret as rude, dismissive, or that conveys that Jennifer is in any way inconvenienced by Mike’s request, or is in any way displeasing to Mike.  This includes  instructions Mike gives on any topic, any time, in any place.  
      3. Sexual Obedience:  Mike may demand any sexual or physical act to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Jennifer may use the next Maintenance Session to air her concerns and request any modifications or cessation of a particular act that Mike demanded.  Mike shall comply with Jennifer’s request.  Jennifer must share all sexual thoughts, dreams desires, or fantasies she has.
      4. Homemaker Jennifer shall remain joyfulscheduled, and optimized regarding her homemaker duties which include but are not limited to; laundry, dishes, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, ironing, cleaning bathrooms and organization of rooms, drawers, closets, pantry, refrigerator, etc.   
        1. Joyful:  Jennifer shall never refer or imply to anyone that her Homemaker duties are a burden or inconvenience. 
        2. Organized:   Jennifer shall create, maintain, and adhere to a written schedule of chores, errands, and events and submit the schedule and any changes for Mike’s editing and approval.  Jennifer will not watch television, talk on the phone, or do anything to otherwise “relax” when the schedule is not complete.  Jennifer is allowed to have the radio on while she performs her duties and can ask Mike’s permission to have the television on.  Jennifer shall not behave in a manner that increases any household chores such as leaving trash on tables or counters, leaving dishes or cups out on end tables, towels on the floor, etc.
        3. Optimized: Jennifer shall research the optimal way to perform various duties, such as folding fitted sheets or any other household task.  She will share such research with Mike and incorporate what she learned, as well as Mike’s preferences, into her methods.  
      5. Mantras:   Jennifer shall begin each morning and end each evening by reciting Morning Mantra or Evening Mantra three times as per Exhibit A.  If Mike is home she will recite it in his presence.   If Mike is not home, she will recite them out loud to herself and text Mike that she has completed her Mantra.  Jennifer’s Morning Mantra shall be the first words she speaks for the day, and her Evening Mantra shall be her last.  If she speaks again that evening, she will again have to repeat her Evening Mantra so that it remains her last spoken words of the day.  Any mistakes or failure to recite the Mantra subjects Jennifer to Discipline. 
      6. Availability and Awareness
        Jennifer shall let Mike know where she is going to be if she is not home or attending a scheduled event.  She is to provide Mike an appropriate and timely reminder of scheduled events she attends outside the house.  She must keep her cell phone battery charged and have a way for Mike to reach her at any time.  Jennifer shall ask Mike’s permission before doing something that could mean a change in the usual routine or that implies a delay in the performance of her Duties and Obligations. 
      7. Permission:  Jennifer shall ask Mike’s permission when; leaving the house for other than scheduled errands, faced with decisions regarding her social calendar, such as friends asking her to lunch, when a repairman asks for approval on work to be done, or when family members make a request of her time.  When such decisions are needed she is to let the person know using wording similar to:  “I need to check with my husband.” or, “I’d love to, let me check with Mike.”
      8. Deference:  Jennifer shall interpret any requests by Mike as being “orders,” “instructions,” “demands” or as Mike “telling her” something.  At no time is she to refer to them as “requests” or as Mike “asking her.”   For example, if Jennifer wants to tell a friend that Mike asked her to pick something up at the store, Jennifer is to say, “Mike told me to pick up something at the store.”   Jennifer is to use this type of wording in all conversations with anyone, as well as in her journal and blog.
      9. Loyalty:  Jennifer shall never complain to others about Mike or her Duties and Responsibilities.  Complaining includes coming across as burdened, frustrated, annoyed, or inconvenienced by Mike or by her Duties and Responsibilities.  Any of Jennifer’s concerns or complaint should be aired only to Mike.   Further, accounts Jennifer provides to others regarding Mike or her Duties and Obligations should always be done in positive terms with reverence and joy.   
      10. Quarterly Goals:  Mike may establish any specific goals for Jennifer that she is to accomplish over a given three month period.  Such goals are to be focused on Jennifer’s self improvement and can include but are not limited to things such as weight loss, breaking a habit, reading book(s) Mike selects and providing Mike a book report, researching topics that Mike selects, including providing him a written report on such topics.
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    2. PHYSICAL SELF-CARE consists of four components:
      1. Physical Well-Being:  Jennifer shall look after her physical well-being; bathing, brushing and flossing teeth (no cavities),  maintaining weight acceptable to Mike, going to regular doctor, dental, optometrist, or other medical appointments, taking medications as prescribed, getting the flu shot, maintaining OTC meds (vitamins, etc.), and getting good rest, including adhering to a bedtime prescribed by Mike.
      2. Physical Appearance:  Jennifer shall maintain a physical appearance pleasing to Mike and subject to all his demands.  These demands include but are not limited to; maintaining hair that is combed, neat, and styled to Mike’s liking, maintaining or attaining a healthy weight, putting on sufficient make up as early in the morning as reasonable, and maintaining pubic hair according to Mike’s wishes, whether that be to partially or wholly shave, trim, shape, or grow out.  
      3. Attire:  Jennifer shall be fully nude unless given permission by Mike to the contrary, with Mike’s implied permission whenever children or company is present or expected.  When dressed, whether in public or in private, Jennifer shall dress consistent to Mike demands, including whether or not she is to wear a bra or panties.  Jennifer shall always ask Mike’s permission to remove her nipple piercings.   
      4. Gracefulness:  Jennifer shall Walk Gracefully, Sit Down Smoothly, and assume a Pretty Sitting Posture, both in public and in private.   
        1. Walk Gracefully:  Jennifer shall glide as she walks, holding her head high, remain vertical from hips up, swing out from hips smoothly, keep stride moderate, point feet in a straight line.  She will not drag or click heels or feet, over swing arms, over reach stride, or drop heels or feet with a thud.  Her head will be up, not slanted to either side, and she will not sway her hips unnecessarily.  
        2. Sit Down Smoothly: When preparing to sit, Jennifer shall touch the back of her knees to the seat of the chair, then, without sticking her buttocks out, gently lower herself keeping erect.  Once lowered, she will smoothly glide back into the chair, avoiding wiggling back into the chair with snake hips. If her skirt needs straightening, she failed to sit down smoothly and can gently and discreetly adjust her skirt as needed, avoiding flinging or flopping it in the air. 
        3. Pretty Sitting Posture:  Jennifer shall keep her ankles together or cross, and shall not cross at the knee.  She is to sit tall, with one hand over the other, either in her lap or just to the left or right.  
        4. Exceptions to Gracefulness:  When being Disciplined, Jennifer is to maintain a demeanor subject to Section VI.3.
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    3. EMOTIONAL SELF CARE consists of five components: 
      1. FeelingsJennifer shall avoid overextending her time and emotions to other family members or friends. Jennifer shall comply with any demand from Mike regarding decreasing or eliminating her attention on others.  Jennifer shall always share negative feelings she may be having about any person, experience, or subject.  Such negative feelings include but are not limited to anxiety, boredom, irritation, sadness, stress, and jealousy.  Any cussing by Jennifer for any reason at any time will be deemed a failure to properly express her feelings. 
      2. Relationships: Jennifer shall maintain healthy, positive relationships with friends and family.  Jennifer will cutoff from relationships that Mike believes are unhealthy; however, Maintenance Sessions can be used for open and respectful dialogue and Mike must allow Jennifer to make reasonable attempts to improve a questionable relationship before Mike forbids the relationship.
      3. Workload:  Jennifer shall only take on tasks she can handle.  It is at Mike’s discretion to determine if she has taken on too much.  Behaviors Jennifer is known to exhibit when over worked include but are not limited to: missed deadlines, missed appointments, leaving the house without her cell phone or other items needed for that errand, not keeping personal belongings clean and in working order (if broken, repairs must be quickly arranged).  Other indicators are at Mike’s discretion to identify and for Jennifer to self-report as soon as she begins to feel burdened, even if her feeling of burden is in relation to her Duties and Obligations.  
      4. Masturbation: Jennifer shall masturbate alone and to climax twice a week not including a Maintenance Session and excluding time when Mike is in bed with her. 
        1. Scheduled Masturbation: One masturbation session must be part of her weekly written Homemaker schedule. 
        2. Unscheduled Masturbation: One masturbation session can occur at whatever opportunity Jennifer identifies, so long as it occurs once a week.  She must always ask Mike’s permission, whether in person, by phone, or text, before she begins her unscheduled masturbation.
      5. Journaling:  Jennifer shall keep hand-written daily journals and write in a way that Mike can easily read and understand.  When not writing, Journals must be stored in the safe in the master closet.
        1.  Primary Daily Journal is presented to Mike at each Sunday Maintenance Session with the journal consisting of;  
          1. What Jennifer was most proud and thankful of for that day.
          2. Jennifer’s reflection on significant events of the day, including any Discipline she may have received that day. 
          3. Any Disobedient act of Jennifer’s that Mike was not aware of.
          4. Insights into her two required Masturbation sessions including details around when, where, how, and for how long she masturbated. 
          5. Information on any sexual activity she had with anyone other than Mike if Mike was not present during the activity.
          6. Points of clarity regarding any topic Jennifer wants to address.
        2. Unsubmissive Daily Journal is presented to Mike at each Thursday Maintenance Session with the journal consisting of any non-submissive or otherwise unsettling thoughts Jennifer had that day.  This includes any thoughts that, if acted upon, would not reflect her complete and total submission to Mike.
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    4. FINANCES: Jennifer  shall keep within her budget and never make household purchases beyond basic necessities, as defined by Mike, such as food and toiletries without Mike’s permission, regardless of the cost of the item.  If something needs to be returned, she is to promptly return it.  She is not leave lights on in a room if she is the last to exit and she is not to waste water or any household materials.
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  3. SAFETY:
    1. Risk of Accident, Injury, or TheftJennifer shall not engage in activities that increase the risk of accident or injury to herself or others.  This includes but is not limited to any traffic violations whether ticketed or not, leaving a pan on the stove, texting while driving, using the cell phone in other than hands free while driving, or unsafe activities such as leaving things on the floor that present a trip hazard (whether or not anyone actually has tripped), or standing on a ladder without someone being there for support. Further, if Jennifer breaks something, Mike will determine if it was reasonable to assume her action could have led to the breakage.  Jennifer shall never run out of gas while driving, shall make sure the house is locked when she leaves it unoccupied, and shall make sure the garage door is closed after she comes home.   
    2. Risk of Judgment of Family or Friends:   Jennifer and Mike recognize that others may unfairly judge them for their DD lifestyle, or may misconstrue the meaning of that lifestyle such that Jennifer or Mike may be at risk of harm or being thought ill of.  However, Jennifer and Mike do not want the burden of hiding their true relationship.  Therefore, Jennifer and Mike will adhere to the terms of this Agreement in public.  While in public, Mike may choose to defer Discipline as he deems appropriate.  Jennifer shall not share aspects of their relationship that are considered Domestic Discipline, Dominant/submissive, Polyamorous, Swinging, or any other kink, unless Jennifer has Mike’s permission.   

SECTION VI: DISCIPLINE

  1. GENERAL GUIDELINES:   Jennifer’s shall fully accept any and all Discipline prescribed under this Agreement.  This Discipline reflects her wishes and she gives her full and complete consent to Mike to administer Discipline according to this Agreement and agrees to hold Mike harmless of any and all injury that results. Jennifer shall never ask Mike if a behavior of hers warrants Discipline.  He alone makes such decisions and if he chooses not to Discipline a particular behavior, Jennifer is not to question it.
    .

    1. JENNIFER’S INTENT:  It is Jennifer’s intent that the Discipline be significant enough to serve as;  a deterrent for Disobedience; a teaching tool towards molding her behavior;  a cathartic experience to cleanse negative emotion; a just atonement for her Disobedience;  and, as her own recognition and fulfillment of her submission to Mike, be whatever Mike determines is appropriate.
      .
    2. MIKE’S AUTHORITY:  Jennifer grants Mike full and complete authority to interpret and determine the Discipline that supports Jennifer’s Intent.
      .
    3. DISPUTES:  If Jennifer feels she was Disciplined in a manner that was not within the intent or spirit of this Agreement, she shall accept that Discipline as given without hesitation or complaint.  Jennifer may use the next Maintenance Session as her opportunity to raise concern.
      .
    4. SAFE WORDS:  Jennifer can use two safe words when receiving Discipline. 
      1. Yellow instructs Mike to pause.  Mike will ask Jennifer if it is okay to resume that specific activity that caused her to call “Yellow” or if he needs to alter the Discipline.  The Discipline will not resume until Jennifer indicates it is okay to either proceed with the Discipline that was being given or she indicates that different Discipline is needed.   
      2. Red instructs Mike to stop and immediately go to After Care.  Jennifer and Mike will discuss if the specific Discipline leading up to her calling “Red” can be repeated in the future, with or without modifications, or if that specific Discipline is a new Hard Limit.
        .
    5. HARD LIMITS:  Jennifer may alter, add, or remove any Hard Limits at any time.  Current hard limits include:  Blood, Branding, Breath Play, Gun Play, Fire Play, Knife Play, Piercing (in the context of play or Discipline), and Scat.
      .
  2. DISCIPLINE TIMING:   It is expected that Discipline will occur promptly, as close as possible to the time Jennifer was Disobedience.  Neither Jennifer or Mike will do anything to unnecessarily cause a delay in Discipline.  Jennifer will accept Mike’s Discipline any time he is ready to administer it.  If Mike is willing to administer it, she must accept it, regardless of time or place, public or private.
    .
  3. DISCIPLINE INTEGRITY: Discipline shall be given in a calm, purposeful, and resolved manner.  Mike shall determine the type, duration, and intensity of the Discipline necessary for Jennifer to be Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered.  Jennifer’s demeanor and body language shall be consistent with being Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered, and is subject to Mike’s interpretation.  Mike shall perform appropriate After Care and perform the Closing Ceremony to mark the end of that Discipline.
    .

    1. Reflective: Sufficient discomfort should result so that Jennifer is reminded to reflect on her duties and obligations and how she can be more Obedient.  In addition to the discomfort, Jennifer encourages Mike to lecture her to help her properly reflect on her behavior and mold future behavior, subject to Section IV. 2.
      .
    2. Remorseful: Jennifer should feel remorse, not sorrow. Her remorse is expected to be for both letting Mike down for failing to be Obedient, and for letting herself down for failing to be submissive to Mike’s needs.
      .
    3. Surrendered: Jennifer must be physically surrendered while being Disciplined, granting Mike the complete ability to deliver the Discipline.  This means no pulling away, pushing Mike’s hand, or in any way interfering with the Discipline. Unless instructed otherwise, Jennifer will avoid eye contact with Mike.  If she is standing, her head and eyes should be facing downward with her hands clasped behind her back.
      .
    4. After care: Mike is to comfort Jennifer by cuddling her and maintaining a comforting mindset with affirming words of love and commitment. No lecturing during After Care as all the focus is on expressing love for Jennifer and reassuring all is forgiven.
      .
    5. Closing Ceremony: Mike will say “all is forgiven” and Jennifer will respond “all is forgiven” as a sign that Mike has forgiven her and she has forgiven herself for her failure to be Obedient.  Mike holds no negative feelings towards Jennifer’s disobedience, and Jennifer holds no negative feelings towards Mike for his Discipline. Life moves on in peace.
      ..
  4. DISCIPLINE CEREMONY:  Subject to the Exceptions in Section VI.5

    1. Mike will instruct Jennifer to go to her room, either verbally or as a non-verbal disapproving nod from Mike.  If no one else is present, Jennifer shall bow her head, avoid eye contact with Mike, and immediately go to her room.  If others are present, Jennifer shall politely excuse herself and go to her room.
    2. Upon entering the room Jennifer will lock the door and completely disrobe. 
    3. Jennifer shall stand facing the designated corner waiting for Mike. Absent any other instructions from Mike regarding her posture, her default posture will be to stand upright, with her hands to her side, palms open and touching the side of her legs. 
    4. Jennifer will unlock the door upon Mike’s knock and without making eye contact, return to her corner.  Mike may remain silent and leave Jennifer in the corner until he is ready to continue.  Jennifer is to remain silent. Mike may instruct Jennifer to retrieve an implement or he may have already retrieved one.  Mike will call Jennifer over.
    5. Jennifer is to remain silent and kneel down in front of Mike with her eyes open and her head bowed.
    6. Mike speaks first and asked Jennifer to state why she is being Disciplined.  Jennifer must look up and into Mike’s eyes and accurately state why.   If she does not know or is inaccurate, Mike may choose to increase the severity of the Discipline.  When Jennifer speaks she must speak clearly and matter-of-factly so that Mike can easily hear.  While maintaining eye contact with Mike, Jennifer must recite her Discipline Mantra per Exhibit A.  Jennifer is then to return to bowing her head and avoiding eye contact until After Care.
    7. Mike shall thank Jennifer for recognizing her Disobedience and her acceptance of his leadership and authority.  Mike may begin or continue to lecture Jennifer, subject to Section IV. 2.  
    8. Mike will instruct Jennifer as to the position she must take.  Mike will then administer the Discipline and may continue lecturing throughout.  
    9. Appropriate After-Care and Closing Ceremony as per Section VI.3.4 and Section VI.3.5.
      .
  5. IMMEDIATE DISCIPLINE:  (Exceptions to Section VI.4)

    1.  Immediate Discipline maintains Discipline Ceremony integrity as per VI.3.1.
    2. Jennifer agrees to be subject to Discipline at any time, at any place, with no exception. If Mike is comfortable administering the Discipline in a given location, Jennifer must accept the Discipline in that location, regardless of how public or private it may be.
    3. Mike will provide Jennifer with instructions regarding a location suitable to him to provide the Discipline, whether or not she is to remove any or all clothing, and what position she is to take.   
    4. Jennifer is not to object or speak. She is only to immediately comply.  
    5. Mike will deliver her initial Discipline.  Immediate Discipline is given without warm up, with strokes that are in quick succession and continue as long as Mike wishes.   The intent is to create a sort of “Shock and Awe” such that Jennifer knows that at the moment of her Disobedience should be subject to quick and immediate Discipline. 
    6. Mike will ask Jennifer why she is being Disciplined.  Mike will administer additional Discipline if Jennifer is uncertain or incorrect.  Mike will then explain to Jennifer why she earned the Discipline.  Jennifer will then recite her Discipline Mantra per Exhibit A.   Mike will then Discipline Jennifer a final time. 
    7. Appropriate After Care and Closing Ceremony per Section VI.3.4 and Section VI.3.5.
      .
  6. MAINTENANCE DISCIPLINE
    Discipline is received during the Maintenance Sessions as per Section VII.  While subject to Mike’s discretion, this Discipline is intended to be severe in impact and short in duration.  This helps address Jennifer’s needs for release, a reminder of her commitments and submission, and allowing her to anticipate the specific Discipline she knows is coming.
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  7. TYPES OF DISCIPLINE

    1. SPANKING DISCIPLINE may consist of strikes to Jennifer’s buttocks, thighs, breasts, vagina, and palms.
      .
    2. NON-SPANKING PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE may be given by itself or in addition to other Discipline.  It includes but is not limited to breast bindings, nipple suction, nipple clamps, bit gags, butt plug, handcuffs or other physical restraints, and enemas.
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    3. NON-PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE  may be given by itself or in addition to other Discipline  It includes but is not limited to corner time, kneeling, loss of privileges such as television or internet, and grounding such that Jennifer may not see friends or family for prescribed time that is not to exceed one week.
      .
    4. VERBAL DISCIPLINE consists of any verbal admonishing and/or lecturing Mike may direct at Jennifer and may include lecturing.  It is rarely given by itself as behaviors requiring Verbal Discipline most often require other forms of Discipline be administered.
      .

SECTION VII. MAINTENANCE SESSIONS

  1. SUNDAY SESSIONS consist of  Mike and Jennifer meeting to discuss certain topics allowing Jennifer to seek clarification on any Discipline or any other aspect of their dynamic, have Mike review Jennifer’s behavior and progress, have Jennifer present her Primary Daily Journal for inspection, and for Jennifer to receive Maintenance Discipline.
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  2. THURSDAY SESSIONS consist of Mike and Jennifer meeting to discuss her unsubmissive thoughts for the week as documented in her Unsubmissive Daily Journal, and for Jennifer to receive Maintenance Discipline.
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  3. MAINTENANCE SESSION CEREMONY 
    1. Jennifer shall be nude throughout and will begin with Mike administering her first Maintenance Discipline.
    2. Much like After-Care, Mike and Jennifer will embrace and Jennifer will speak, reaffirming her love and respect for herself, her family, and for Mike.  Mike will in turn express his love for Jennifer and thank her the commitment of personal responsibility she has made and state his continued support to help her become the person she wants to be.   
    3. SUNDAY SESSIONS:  They will then discuss Jennifer’s behaviors and Discipline that week.  All discussions will focus only on that week.  Jennifer will not bring up past issues as those issues are considered resolved.   
    4. SUNDAY SESSIONS:  Jennifer will present her Primary Daily Journal to Mike for his review and inspection.   Jennifer will self-report on any Disobedience that occurred that week for which Mike was unaware.
      THURSDAY SESSIONS:  Jennifer will present her Unsubmissiveness Daily Journal to Mike was his review and inspection    
    5. SUNDAY SESSIONS:  Mike will administer any Discipline he deems necessary for any of Jennifer’s self-reported Disobedience, as well as for any Journal shortcomings.  Mike will lecture Jennifer as to his expectations of her for the coming week and may choose to dialogue with Jennifer.
      THURSDAY SESSIONS:  Mike will lecture Jennifer as to her unsubmissiveness thoughts and may choose to dialogue with Jennifer. 
    6. SUNDAY SESSION:  Jennifer will be given self-reflection time as determined by Mike.  Jennifer will be given a specific amount of corner time.  When that time is up she is  to masturbate to climax.  Jennifer will choose the location in the bedroom where she wishes to masturbate and may ask Mike if she can use an aide such as a vibrator.  Mike may be present during her masturbation or even come and go from the room but he will remain silent and away from her immediate proximity.  After Jennifer’s orgasm she is to lay in bed, meditate, and it is acceptable for her to fall asleep as she waits for further instruction.  
    7. SUNDAY SESSION:  When Mike determines her self-reflection time is he will call Jennifer over.  She is to kneel in front of him, look up into his eyes, and recite her Morning and Evening Mantras per Exhibit A.  She will then bow her head and reach out her hands.
    8. SUNDAY SESSION:  When Mike is ready he will hold her outreached hands while Jennifer remains kneeling with her head bowed down.
    9. SUNDAY AND THURSDAY SESSION:  When Mike is ready, he will instruct Jennifer to take position and receive her last Maintenance Discipline. 
    10. Appropriate After-Care is administered and Mike will call the Maintenance Session to an end.

EXHIBIT A:  MANTRAS

  1. DISCIPLINE MANTRA
    Mike, I am sorry for doing {specify Disobedience}, as that does not live up to the standards you expect of me and I deserve of myself.  Thank you for acknowledging my Disobedience and for Disciplining me so that I may properly reflect and learn to be more obedient to you.  I gladly accept and look forward to the Discipline you are about to give me. Please Discipline me now.”
    .
  2. MORNING MANTRA“Today I desire submission;
    through humility, not humiliation,
    through service, not suffering, 
    through being present, not in pain
    through being useful, not used,  
    through discipline, not punishment, 
    through focusing on Mike’s desires, my only need and purpose.”
    .
  3. EVENING MANTRA
    “Thank you Mike. 
    Thank you Mike for leading, as I follow you.
    Thank you Mike for working, as I serve you.
    Thank you Mike for providing, as I appreciate you.
    Thank you Mike for guiding, as I obey you.
    Thank you for deciding, as I trust you.
    I look forward to tomorrow when we get to do it all again.


NEXT:  Post 175.  Bundle of Nerves

173. Potpourri of my new Domestic Discipline

This post covers a potpourri of topics regarding our DD 3.0. (upcoming changes to our Contract).

MANTRAS
As I shared in Post 169. Adding Ritual to Our DD, Mike told me (see Vocabulary below) to create a Morning Mantra to recite when I first wake up, and a Nighttime Mantra to recite when going to bed.   Per his instructions I submitted several from which he could choose.  

MORNING MANTRA
“Today I desire submission;
through humility, not humiliation,
through service, not suffering, 
through being present, not in pain
through being useful, not used,  
through discipline, not punishment, 
through focusing on Mike’s desires, my only need and purpose.” 

EVENING MANTRA
“Thank you Mike. 
Thank you Mike for leading, as I follow you.
Thank you Mike for working, as I serve you.

Thank you Mike for providing, as I appreciate you.
Thank you Mike for guiding, as I obey you.
Thank you for deciding, as I trust you.
I look forward to tomorrow when we get to do it all again.

I say them three times whenever I am to recite them, and must do so whether or not Mike is with me.  I must also be prepared to recite them anytime Mike asks.  Again, the purpose of these is a focusing exercise to help put me in or keep me in a submissive mindset.  I am working to get these memorized by the 17th when they will be required.

QUARTERLY GOALS
Our new Contract has a Quarterly Goal Setting Requirement with consequences for not achieving the goal.  Each quarter Mike sets a goal for me that is focused on my “inner peace or self-development.”  It could take many forms.  Mike said perhaps it would be to read a certain number of books and provide him a book report of sorts, or research a topic he has in mind and provide him a paper on it.  The first goal was a bit more personal.  It is to lose 18 pounds. That would put me at my weight when we were married. 

That averages to 6 pounds a month, or 1.38 pounds a week (yes, I did the math).  I think I can do it.  And, although I accepted this goal without question or comment, Mike said he would commit to losing 12.  That did prompt me to ask why not 16, which would put him at his “wedding” weight.   He slyly responded, “I’ll commit to the extra four if you commit to another four.”  Yikes!  “No, Sir, 12 is great, thank you.”

There was a time I would have freaked out over Mike commenting on my weight.  Today, I am inspired by his comments.  The biggest difference, beside my submissiveness, is that I am completely confident in my appearance and Mike’s love for me.  I will feel better, be healthier, and look even better for Mike.  It has also helped that in the last two years I’ve shed about twelve pounds without really focusing on it.  I did it mostly through just eating healthier as we had more home cooked meals and less take out.

Another 18 off would mean I would be down 30 pounds from my peak weight!  Yea!  The biggest challenge is that this has to occur over the holidays, where over indulgence is an easy thing – but I have a powerful additional motivation.  I reminded Mike that I may have to buy MORE new clothes when I am done.  That’s more motivation to me than any discipline I may receive if I don’t reach my goal.  No spanking AND I get to shop!?!?   This goal is going to be reached!

VOCABULARY
Mike noticed that, whether in my blog or in speaking, I often refer to things that he as “asked” me to do.  He said this is not proper submissive thinking as he does not “ask.”  Asking infers I can consider whether or not to comply.  From now on he wants me to use words like, “told,” “ordered,” or “instructed.”     Wow, this would be like a slap across the face of the pre-DD Jenny.  But the today-Jen loves it! 

WARDROBE
As shared in Post 168, my wardrobe is getting a makeover.  Out with the t-shirts, pants, jeans, and sneakers (a select few will remain). In with dresses, skirts, and heels (and some new flats).  Mike is allowing me to wear flats around the house.  The heels are just for going out.

I have to give a big THANK YOU to jadescastle.  She suggested these two websites, eshakti.com and modcloth.com for clothing inspiration.  I loved their selection and when I showed Mike, I was floored by his reaction.  I am not disrespecting him when I say that his love for fashion is basically nonexistent – he readily admits it.   However, he flipped out – in a good way – for what he saw.  His reaction to many of the clothes was, “That’s exactly what I was imagining for you, let’s get that one, and that one, and that one too.”    Well, guess what?  That meant a bump in the budget!   Maybe I should have Mike shop with me more often?   Mike joked that it made sense for my clothing budget to at least match our sex toy budget – after all, I am his ultimate sex toy!   By the way, Kayla’s getting some new clothes too!

KAYLA
Speaking of Kayla, I haven’t written anything about her in all my posts about the new Contract.  Simple reason is that she isn’t a party to the Contract.  There isn’t anything in it that pertains directly to her, or with my relationship to her.   But, I will say that watching her thrive under Mike’s Dominance was helpful in getting me to open up about being more submissive to Mike.  Their dynamic has always been D/s with a dab or two of M/s.  It is still different than what Mike and have, but now has a few more similarities. 

PUBLIC DISPLAY OF SUBMISSION
This point may have been lost on my prior posts, but this new Contract also marks us being willing to display our dynamic more publicly, even among family and friends – including our children.  This doesn’t mean anything sexual or discipline wise – but does include how I speak and act (and dress).    

Mike also told Kayla she is free to explain our relationship, at a high level, to whomever she wants – when it is appropriate.  Mike advised Kayla there needs to proper context such that her mentioning anything is actually relevant.  In other words, she just doesn’t blurt it out, but she can explain it if asked about her relationship status.  In addition, the explanation should be high level.  For instance, Mike said that when she feels any explanation is warranted, the words she must use is that she is in a “polyamourous submissive relationship with a married couple.”

Beyond that, any other details are really no one’s business; however, it is reasonable to assume a typical reaction would be, “What does that mean?”   Kayla’s response is to state it simply means what it means.  She can answer some yes/no questions they pose, but she is to avoid details.   Mike also told her that she needs to let him know any time she shared any information like this – who she shared it with, why, and what was shared.

REFLECTION
Wow.  This is so crazy when I think about where I was two years ago and where I am today.  A full 180 degrees from DD Jenny Style to perhaps a somewhat more traditional D/s dynamic, if there is such a thing.  I always say DD is about what you want it to be and what two people consent for it to be.  It follows no specific formula, no specific rules, other than whatever brings joy and fulfillment to the couple participating in it.   And as I’ve demonstrated, the things that bring joy and fulfillment can change over time and I am fortunate to have a Dom who changed with me.

In many ways Mike is now the “a-hole” that I once thought John was. (Post 20. Putting on a Show).   Of course I mean that in the affectionate meaning of the word — HA!  I state that because my only reluctance or doubts about what we are doing is in what others may think of Mike.  While Mike is fine with this and said he doesn’t care what others think, it still concerns me.  I want people to see him as I do.  No matter how “D” Mike is, he is still my sweet, loving, and caring husband that he has always been.

NEXT:  Post 174:   My DD 3.0: Domestic Discipline Contract

167. What is “Mine” versus What is “For Me.”

167

PREAMBLE
Mike and I began our Contract renegotiation.  Our first agreement on March 17, 2015, was good for 30 days – we were uncertain about what we were doing.  We made changes and with more confidence, we made the next one good for six months.   By that October we learned a lot and were ready to commit for a longer period of time.  Thus our third Contract is set to end October 17, 2017.

We know such contracts are not legal documents.  But they demonstrate and codify our commitments to each other.  Putting one together requires wonderful dialogue, reflection, and sharing.  It’s a wonderful process that brings us even closer together.

All rules are suspended during the renegotiation session (you can read more about how we do this in the Contract).  This allows me to speak freely and debate, if needed, any particular points without concern of punishments.  The renegotiation will likely occur over several sessions, depending on the amount of time we have and how quickly we progress.  This post is about our first session. 

COMMENCE NEGOTIATIONS
Mike wanted the first meeting to serve as an exchange of some general ideas.  Basically a “get everything on the table” regarding broad topics that we had in mind.  We could then have time to think about it and be better prepared to talk about them in more detail at our next meeting. 

OCTOBER 2015 VS OCTOBER 2017
Before we discussed changes, Mike asked me what I felt were the biggest differences between where we were two years ago and where we are today.    

I shared with Mike that I recognize it was necessary to start where we started, else we would never be where we are today.  Our current agreement was critical in my development towards the person (wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend, etc) I wanted to be.  Our current agreement was the right one at the right time – However, it is abundantly clear to me that it is time to replace Domestic Discipline that is MINE with Domestic Discipline that is FOR ME.

This is a huge change in my thinking.  I recognize that Pre-DD Jenny, or even Early-DD Jenny, would actually throw up a bit in her mouth over what I say or do today.   In my blog or in conversations with those aware of my dynamic, I easily say things like “I obey Mike” or “I was disobedient” or, “Mike leads me.”  In the past I shunned such vocabulary. Remember, I was raised to value being a strong, independent, and empowered woman in the most feminist meaning of those words (See Post 120 for my views on being a feminist).

When I started my search for ways to improve my life, I discovered more than Domestic Discipline.  I found the submissive within.  I am still surprised that it was in me, and can not deny the wonderful feelings I get from letting Mike lead.  Everything about my life is fuller, more robust, more rewarding, more fulfilling.

While I seek to have the specific rules and consequences of “My” DD to be no longer “mine,” they are most definitely still “for me,” as determined by Mike.

I know he holds my very best interests in his heart.  Any of his lines in the sand are never arbitrary or for his own selfish gain or amusement. It is not a power game with him.  While I want him to have satisfaction in his Dominance, I know that he does not first seek to gain anything for himself through his decisions.  It is for MY  benefit that he does these things.  It is for MY own good that he limits or encourages certain behaviors or says no or yes to certain desires of mine. 

I told him that I may not like his rules for me as much as I liked “my” rules for me;  however, unlike two years ago, I gain more satisfaction from knowing I am his.  I no longer want him to simply execute to “My DD.”  I want him to determine the DD that is right for me.   And THAT is the difference between where I was in October 2015 versus where I am in October 2017.

Mike was very pleased and touched by my answer.  The changes he has in mind are intended to better codify things.  Intended to represent where we are today and add more structure around my current commitments, duties, and obligations.  We had a dialogue about what those changes could entail and I came to understand that “structure equates to rules.”  Okay by me.

Mike frequently asked me my thoughts or suggestions.  I explained I didn’t want to overly influence what he wanted for me.  I prefer his own rules and expectations of what he sees as best for me.  Although our rules are suspended during the negotiations, I was still aware that when he asks my opinion, Mike does not like me to respond with a “Whatever you say.” Such a response is normally a punishable offense as it is dismissive of his request to hear my opinion.   So I was clear to explain that instead of me proposing suggestions, I would rather he propose what is on his mind and let me accept, modify, or reject it.  I am confident he now knows what is best regarding my duties and obligations. 

Wow – what a change from two years ago, as evidenced by Post 4. The Plan.  Mike provided a few general ideas as to what he was thinking:

50’s HOUSEWIFE?
Mike said, “Think the stereotypical 50’s housewife.”   Humm, okay, in a lot of ways I am already that regarding the household duties, ironing, stuff like that.  He didn’t reveal anything more specific to me other than to say again that it was about adding “structure” (rules) around much of what I do today.  Sounds good to me, but I had some reservations.

Too much structure and too many rules sounded a bit like the old me.  It reminded me of the problems that can arise with too many “intentions.”  (Post 30. I Found my Thrill).  Mike explained it in the context that he feels more structure could be helpful.  I often start my day with too many household plans that I can’t possibly complete or leave little wiggle room for the unexpected happenings of daily life.  He thinks that, if approached correctly, a more set routine could actually create more free time for me.   He said it isn’t about packing my day with countless chores, but reasonably scheduling them so that I don’t feel compelled to do anything other than what is on the list that day.    

Okay, sounds promising.

REWARDS
Mike talked about when we wrote the last Contract it was important to me that we referred to any discipline as “Rewards.”  He noted that I am now comfortable in referring to discipline as “punishments.”  I typically call them that when I blog and in conversation with Mike, Kayla, John, or Donna.  There was a time I never did that.  Mike was curious if I wanted to change the terminology for the new contract.

This reminded me of something I shared in my early posts about my approach to the Contract — Words are Power.   It is very important to choose the right words to convey what it is you intend something to be and even take the time to define what you mean by certain words.  We talked about it and it was very curious to me that now, two years later, Mike was more hung up than I was regarding the right term to use for my spankings and other punishments.  I told him I now longer felt it needed to be called a “Reward.”  While not final, I think we both agreed that for the new contract, the term “discipline” will suffice.  It’s called Domestic Discipline for a reason. 

SUBMISSION OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
Mike was admittedly vague, but said he wants to look at how I can be more submissive outside the house. He said it could be calling him Sir in front of everyone, anytime, or “holding myself” a certain way regarding dress or posture.  Basically being more transparent to the general public regarding my submissiveness.  Nothing crazy over the top – subtle things that was more about me maintaining a submissive mindset versus “flaunting” my submissiveness.  He wasn’t sure what it could actually mean in terms of rules of behavior, but something about the concept intrigues him.   We threw around a few ideas and agreed to both think more about it.  This one was unexpected but sounds interesting.  We shall see.  

HARD LIMITS
I did bring up one item myself.  I want to look at the hard limits more closely.  As we have pursued more D/s activities than we initially anticipated, I want to make sure my limits are clearly understood.  We didn’t talk specifics as the purpose of this first meeting was just to air the general topics, but Mike was supportive and reinforced I have full discretion on this matter. 

OVERALL
It is clear Mike is looking to add more rules around my daily activities, complete with discipline for failure to adhere.  I have some concerns that we codify this the right way so as not to run myself ragged and lose our great momentum regarding what we have achieved towards a happy, loving, nurturing, fulfilling, and purposeful household.

As I said before, all of this is enough to make Pre-DD Jenny throw up a bit.  But the today-Jenny was energized by this meeting.  I am excited to see some of the specific things Mike wants for me.   There is still enough of the Pre-DD Jenny in me that makes me feel compelled to explain my acceptance of this misogyny.  I still feel I am overall a feminist, as I defined in Post 120.  I believe every girl should be able to pursue their passion in life, whether it is to be a painter or the President, or be a Dom, a sub, or equals in their household.  It should never be about gender or societal expectations.  Their life should be about what is true for them.  Today, MY truth is in being a submissive wife.     

NEXT 168. New Domestic Discipline Rules

 

 

146. Slow Down!

SlowDown

Yesterday was a busy day and the five of us spent the evening out as a family, getting home later than usual and thus pushing our nighttime routine to later than usual.  Last night, after I finished up publishing my last post, Mike told Kayla and I that we would have a meeting in our bedroom.       

He said, “Both of you get naked and move the chair to the middle of the room.  Assume a submissive pose on the floor in front of the chair and wait for me to come in.”  

He went on to instruct us not to talk to each other or even giggle or smile.   Once in position we are to stare forward, even after he enters the room.  We were not talk to each other at any time. He said he wants our expressions and demeanor to remain solemn.  Humm..serious stuff?!?  We of course did as we were told. 

It was about ten minutes before Mike entered the room.  Our backs were to him when he walked in.  He walked up behind us and told us to close our eyes and listen intently to what he had to say.  

He said he had been doing a lot of thinking about how our dynamic has rapidly evolved. He shared that he is concerned that all three of us are moving too fast.  He said he is not concerned about where it could be headed, just that it is heading there too fast.  He felt we all needed to be more deliberate in our thinking about the fantasies we want to explore in real life and more deliberate in thinking through all the consequences, good and bad.  He also said that as we defer to him for many decisions, that what he was telling us actually applied more to him than to us.    

He pointed out my “coming out” to my sisters as an example of perhaps not thinking things through.  He took some accountability for that since he did, after all, approve my request to tell them.  He pointed out the “Rudy” incident as a warning signal of what could happen if we, and more specifically, if he, expanded our “circle of trust” in an undisciplined manner.   We were fortunate in that all of us read the clear “danger” signals that Rudy exuded, but what if he had been more subtle and what if one of us, especially him (Mike), didn’t pick up on that?   It could have resulted in a bad experience for me or for Kayla.  

Mike went on to say that he and I had attended some FetLife type functions in the past, and while we enjoyed them, concluded that they just weren’t for us.   His feelings were not changed after that recent party.  Our social circle and sex lives are very fulfilling and at this time he sees no upside to the potential risks or complications of pursuing those types of activities with others.  We are fortunate enough to have the three of us, and John and Donna, to explore various sexual adventures.   Per Mike, going beyond our “circle of trust” any time soon would be reckless.  

Thus he said we would not be attending any such functions in the near future.  Further, he told Kayla that she is not to pursue her “gang bang” fantasy and he would not be arranging it.  He told her that this was in no way a judgment on the fantasy itself.  He supports her safe sexual exploration and right now feels it is not the safest time for her to explore that.  He felt it wasn’t safe for her emotional development and that the risk factors were only compounded by the fact he just doesn’t trust anyone else beyond John.

He reminded Kayla that she has only been with us for five months, and in that time has transformed herself in so many amazing ways.  Physically she has transformed – losing 12 pounds, and shaving her head and eyebrows (which have already grown back quite a bit. She looks adorable in super short hair!).  And emotionally she has transformed – she is more willing to pursue new experiences, she is more extroverted, more conscientious of her own well-being, and just overall more self-confident.  He told her he doesn’t want to lose any of that momentum and right now he believes the timing is bad for her to pursue that particular fantasy.     

He then told us we can open our eyes as he took a seat in the chair in front of us.  He bent down a bit, with his forearms resting on his thighs with his hands clasped between his legs.  His face was close to us, just above our eye level.  He alternated looking intently into our eyes and told us he did not want to hear any comments about what he just stated.  He said he put a lot of thought into what he said, and out of respect, we need to put the same amount of thought into understanding, then expressing, our reaction.  He said we could share our thoughts at our next respective Maintenance Sessions.

He then said he loved us both, and was looking forward to the Immersion and that none of what he just talked about will take away from the intensity of what he has planned for us.   He then told us to face each other and remaining in our otherwise submissive pose, hold each others hands.  He set the timer on his phone for 15 minutes and told us to simply sit there quietly looking at each other while remaining in that pose.  When the time is up, we can then resume our bedtime routine.  He was going to take a shower and did not want to hear us talking the rest of the night unless he asked us something.  He wanted quiet and for each of us to reflect on the things he talked about.    

And reflect I have.  It’s all good, very good, at least for me.  I believe he is right in that we have been moving 100 miles an hour and need to take a pit stop.  That doesn’t mean we don’t resume our previous speed at some point, but a respite is warranted so we all can reflect and make good decisions.  Ultimately, I believe that Mike was saying, as our primary “decider,” that he needed us to slow down so that he can make the best decisions as possible on our behalf.  Another example of how wonderful Mike has been as a husband and as a Dom!

I don’t know for sure how Kayla feels yet.  We were not allowed to discuss it until our respective Maintenance Sessions with Mike.   Her demeanor seemed to indicate she fully accepted it as the loving geasture it was.  I’ll let you know if that was not the case!

NEXT:  147.  Submissive Roller Coaster

 

 

129. Submissive ramble : Vulnerability. Respect or Love?

In re-reading this post, it is a bit of mess.  I repeat myself a bit and ramble a bit.  I just wasn’t satisfied I was articulating what I wanted, but, I tired of editing and rewriting it and figured that any repetition or rambling was simply a testament to how much I love and appreciate Mike, so much so that sometimes I had to say it twice, or, struggled to find words to bound my thoughts.  Hard to do when your love and appreciation is boundless!

SECRET SAUCE?
I’ve had several discussions with Mike lately about how he is feeling as a Dom and asked him to reflect on our journey from his perspective.   I was prompted to ask him this as I realized I have sort of taken him for granted throughout this journey.   From the beginning this lifestyle was something I wanted and basically expected him to follow.    The discussions with Mike served to further my commitment to this lifestyle and for all the great things that it does for me and for Mike.  In fact, for me, Mike’s feedback helped cement what the “secret sauce” is that brings fulfillment to a Dominant/Submissive relationship.  And amazingly, that sauce is available for everyone, even those not inclined to go the route of Domestic Discipline. 

VULNERABILITY.
The secret sauce is simply, vulnerability.  
Although I dedicated an entire post to the value of vulnerability, (Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble), I still didn’t fully extol its’ virtues.   Vulnerability is the essence of why a life of submission has been so rewarding for me, and a life as a Dominant so rewarding for Mike.   Yes, vulnerability has rewarded him as well.  

In talking with John, Donna, and Kayla, they all agreed that vulnerability is where it’s at.  And YOU can have it with our without Domestic Discipline.

Simply be the total and complete authentic YOU.  Share your passing thoughts, naughty or nice, share your dreams, desires, fears, loves, likes, and dislikes.  Share EVERYTHING about your body.   Allow someone to see, inspect, and critique any and everything about you.  Opening up so thoroughly and completely leaves you extremely vulnerable.   It’s super scary, and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.   As I said in Post 67, if you are with someone who you deem unworthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps that aren’t worthy of you.

VULNERABILITY OF A DOM?
What I realized in talking to Mike is that he too has had to make himself vulnerable.  I mentioned before he is typically a pretty passive guy – easy-going.  Having to articulate his desires and having to risk being thought of in a negative way, by me or by Kayla, is also super scary and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.

I think most people assume that the level of vulnerability required for the sub is significantly greater than what is required of the Dom.  I am not so sure.  In part it depends on the general personality pre-D/s.   In my case I was the more domineering and Mike was more submissive.  Not in the kink sense, but in that I tended to assert my wishes and get my way while Mike tended to be more accommodating and would often defer to me.    While it may appear I had the greater challenge, remember that I was the one who asked that we give this lifestyle a try.  I went into it eagerly and with gusto.  Mike was basically just being Mike and accommodating my wishes.   So his journey as a Dom was challenging for him.

Let me state that this is not a competition. It serves no value to try to tabulate the merits of the journey a sub takes in relation to what a Dom takes and declare a vulnerability “winner.” My point is to simply illustrate that it has been a transition for Mike and that it required him to be vulnerable.  Clearly, not in a “time to be inspected/ time to clean / time to be spanked / time to serve / time to submit sexually” way.   But, demanding things of others does expose someone to being ridiculed or disliked because of their demands.   Especially when those demands have to do with sex.  

Mike said he did find it hard to exert his wishes.  At first he stuck pretty close to the letter of the things I prescribed in the contract, then slowly branched out and used more discretion in decided what he wanted or what he would do.  Then along came Kayla. He said Kayla was wanting so much more from him and while he enjoyed (and enjoys) being the Dom she sought, it wasn’t easy.   I wrote that during her immersion there were times I worried that Mike was going too far.   Well, he had the same doubts. He said it would really hurt if he was told he went too far, and exposing all his wants, from day-to-day things to the more prurient interests, left him with a sense of vulnerability.  

Mike says he has grown to love the role of the Dom and it shows.  He is bolder and more authoritarian.   His orders, expectations, and punishments come more quickly and firmly than before.    He doesn’t hesitate to tell me (or Kayla) what he wants from us (the non sexual stuff). And he doesn’t hesitate to tell us what he wants sexually.   And to complete this fulfilling circle, the more dominant he has become, the greater I am fulfilled (and Kayla too).  

Mike told me that it has influenced him at work. He is more decisive than ever before.  In his words, “I am bold, but not a bully.”   He communicates more clearly regarding expectations.  Basically, all the leadership stuff that he has always done well — he is doing even better.  

You might think, “how hard can it be to order your wife to lick the asshole of his girlfriend?”  Well, it requires a lot vulnerability the first time you ask for that! (not dismissing the vulnerability in being the licker or the lickee).   But after a number of every escalating kinky orders, he has all the confidence that I will comply in just about anything he asks (as will Kayla) and do so eagerly.  

Mike also said that while he never felt disrespected in our relationship, he now feels respected every moment of every day.  He said he was embarrassed to admit that he has found that respect to be like a drug.   Knowing that his every wish and every need will be respected is mind-boggling for him.   He says he finds it so fulfilling to not only be so completely respected, but to see how fulfilling it is to me and Kayla to give that respect.     

Choose one: Respect or Love?
It ties into something I read somewhere that, if given a choice between respect or love, most men choose respect and most women choose love.  I am sure there are many who disagree, and I am sure it varies by individual.  And i am not saying it is right or that is should be that way. It is just one of those axioms that resonate with my experiences in life.    

I am fulfilled through respecting every whim, dream, and desire that Mike has by serving him in every way he can imagine.   It’s great to know he is fulfilled too.   

NEXT: 130. Growing our Joy Box. XXX-mas in April.

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