Tag Archives: discipline

146. Slow Down!

SlowDown

Yesterady was a busy day and the five of us spent the evening out as a family, getting home later than usual and thus pushing our nighttime routine to later than usual.  Last night, after I finished up publishing my last post, Mike told Kayla and I that we would have a meeting in our bedroom.       

He said, “Both of you get naked and move the chair to the middle of the room.  Assume a submissive pose on the floor in front of the chair and wait for me to come in.”  

He went on to instruct us not to talk to each other or even giggle or smile.   Once in position we are to stare forward, even after he enters the room.  We were not talk to each other at any time. He said he wants our expressions and demeanor to remain solemn.  Humm..serious stuff?!?  We of course did as we were told. 

It was about ten minutes before Mike entered the room.  Our backs were to him when he walked in.  He walked up behind us and told us to close our eyes and listen intently to what he had to say.  

He said he had been doing a lot of thinking about how our dynamic has rapidly evolved. He shared that he is concerned that all three of us are moving too fast.  He said he is not concerned about where it could be headed, just that it is heading there too fast.  He felt we all needed to be more deliberate in our thinking about the fantasies we want to explore in real life and more deliberate in thinking through all the consequences, good and bad.  He also said that as we defer to him for many decisions, that what he was telling us actually applied more to him than to us.    

He pointed out my “coming out” to my sisters as an example of perhaps not thinking things through.  He took some accountability for that since he did, after all, approve my request to tell them.  He pointed out the “Rudy” incident as a warning signal of what could happen if we, and more specifically, if he, expanded our “circle of trust” in an undisciplined manner.   We were fortunate in that all of us read the clear “danger” signals that Rudy exuded, but what if he had been more subtle and what if one of us, especially him (Mike), didn’t pick up on that?   It could have resulted in a bad experience for me or for Kayla.  

Mike went on to say that he and I had attended some FetLife type functions in the past, and while we enjoyed them, concluded that they just weren’t for us.   His feelings were not changed after that recent party.  Our social circle and sex lives are very fulfilling and at this time he sees no upside to the potential risks or complications of pursuing those types of activities with others.  We are fortunate enough to have the three of us, and John and Donna, to explore various sexual adventures.   Per Mike, going beyond our “circle of trust” any time soon would be reckless.  

Thus he said we would not be attending any such functions in the near future.  Further, he told Kayla that she is not to pursue her “gang bang” fantasy and he would not be arranging it.  He told her that this was in no way a judgment on the fantasy itself.  He supports her safe sexual exploration and right now feels it is not the safest time for her to explore that.  He felt it wasn’t safe for her emotional development and that the risk factors were only compounded by the fact he just doesn’t trust anyone else beyond John.

He reminded Kayla that she has only been with us for five months, and in that time has transformed herself in so many amazing ways.  Physically she has transformed – losing 12 pounds, and shaving her head and eyebrows (which have already grown back quite a bit. She looks adorable in super short hair!).  And emotionally she has transformed – she is more willing to pursue new experiences, she is more extroverted, more conscientious of her own well-being, and just overall more self-confident.  He told her he doesn’t want to lose any of that momentum and right now he believes the timing is bad for her to pursue that particular fantasy.     

He then told us we can open our eyes as he took a seat in the chair in front of us.  He bent down a bit, with his forearms resting on his thighs with his hands clasped between his legs.  His face was close to us, just above our eye level.  He alternated looking intently into our eyes and told us he did not want to hear any comments about what he just stated.  He said he put a lot of thought into what he said, and out of respect, we need to put the same amount of thought into understanding, then expressing, our reaction.  He said we could share our thoughts at our next respective Maintenance Sessions.

He then said he loved us both, and was looking forward to the Immersion and that none of what he just talked about will take away from the intensity of what he has planned for us.   He then told us to face each other and remaining in our otherwise submissive pose, hold each others hands.  He set the timer on his phone for 15 minutes and told us to simply sit there quietly looking at each other while remaining in that pose.  When the time is up, we can then resume our bedtime routine.  He was going to take a shower and did not want to hear us talking the rest of the night unless he asked us something.  He wanted quiet and for each of us to reflect on the things he talked about.    

And reflect I have.  It’s all good, very good, at least for me.  I believe he is right in that we have been moving 100 miles an hour and need to take a pit stop.  That doesn’t mean we don’t resume our previous speed at some point, but a respite is warranted so we all can reflect and make good decisions.  Ultimately, I believe that Mike was saying, as our primary “decider,” that he needed us to slow down so that he can make the best decisions as possible on our behalf.  Another example of how wonderful Mike has been as a husband and as a Dom!

I don’t know for sure how Kayla feels yet.  We were not allowed to discuss it until our respective Maintenance Sessions with Mike.   Her demeanor seemed to indicate she fully accepted it as the loving geasture it was.  I’ll let you know if that was not the case!

NEXT:  147.  Submissive Roller Coaster

 

 

129. Submissive ramble : Vulnerability. Respect or Love?

In re-reading this post, it is a bit of mess.  I repeat myself a bit and ramble a bit.  I just wasn’t satisfied I was articulating what I wanted, but, I tired of editing and rewriting it and figured that any repetition or rambling was simply a testament to how much I love and appreciate Mike, so much so that sometimes I had to say it twice, or, struggled to find words to bound my thoughts.  Hard to do when your love and appreciation is boundless!

SECRET SAUCE?
I’ve had several discussions with Mike lately about how he is feeling as a Dom and asked him to reflect on our journey from his perspective.   I was prompted to ask him this as I realized I have sort of taken him for granted throughout this journey.   From the beginning this lifestyle was something I wanted and basically expected him to follow.    The discussions with Mike served to further my commitment to this lifestyle and for all the great things that it does for me and for Mike.  In fact, for me, Mike’s feedback helped cement what the “secret sauce” is that brings fulfillment to a Dominant/Submissive relationship.  And amazingly, that sauce is available for everyone, even those not inclined to go the route of Domestic Discipline. 

VULNERABILITY.
The secret sauce is simply, vulnerability.  
Although I dedicated an entire post to the value of vulnerability, (Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble), I still didn’t fully extol its’ virtues.   Vulnerability is the essence of why a life of submission has been so rewarding for me, and a life as a Dominant so rewarding for Mike.   Yes, vulnerability has rewarded him as well.  

In talking with John, Donna, and Kayla, they all agreed that vulnerability is where it’s at.  And YOU can have it with our without Domestic Discipline.

Simply be the total and complete authentic YOU.  Share your passing thoughts, naughty or nice, share your dreams, desires, fears, loves, likes, and dislikes.  Share EVERYTHING about your body.   Allow someone to see, inspect, and critique any and everything about you.  Opening up so thoroughly and completely leaves you extremely vulnerable.   It’s super scary, and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.   As I said in Post 67, if you are with someone who you deem unworthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps that aren’t worthy of you.

VULNERABILITY OF A DOM?
What I realized in talking to Mike is that he too has had to make himself vulnerable.  I mentioned before he is typically a pretty passive guy – easy-going.  Having to articulate his desires and having to risk being thought of in a negative way, by me or by Kayla, is also super scary and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.

I think most people assume that the level of vulnerability required for the sub is significantly greater than what is required of the Dom.  I am not so sure.  In part it depends on the general personality pre-D/s.   In my case I was the more domineering and Mike was more submissive.  Not in the kink sense, but in that I tended to assert my wishes and get my way while Mike tended to be more accommodating and would often defer to me.    While it may appear I had the greater challenge, remember that I was the one who asked that we give this lifestyle a try.  I went into it eagerly and with gusto.  Mike was basically just being Mike and accommodating my wishes.   So his journey as a Dom was challenging for him.

Let me state that this is not a competition. It serves no value to try to tabulate the merits of the journey a sub takes in relation to what a Dom takes and declare a vulnerability “winner.” My point is to simply illustrate that it has been a transition for Mike and that it required him to be vulnerable.  Clearly, not in a “time to be inspected/ time to clean / time to be spanked / time to serve / time to submit sexually” way.   But, demanding things of others does expose someone to being ridiculed or disliked because of their demands.   Especially when those demands have to do with sex.  

Mike said he did find it hard to exert his wishes.  At first he stuck pretty close to the letter of the things I prescribed in the contract, then slowly branched out and used more discretion in decided what he wanted or what he would do.  Then along came Kayla. He said Kayla was wanting so much more from him and while he enjoyed (and enjoys) being the Dom she sought, it wasn’t easy.   I wrote that during her immersion there were times I worried that Mike was going too far.   Well, he had the same doubts. He said it would really hurt if he was told he went too far, and exposing all his wants, from day-to-day things to the more prurient interests, left him with a sense of vulnerability.  

Mike says he has grown to love the role of the Dom and it shows.  He is bolder and more authoritarian.   His orders, expectations, and punishments come more quickly and firmly than before.    He doesn’t hesitate to tell me (or Kayla) what he wants from us (the non sexual stuff). And he doesn’t hesitate to tell us what he wants sexually.   And to complete this fulfilling circle, the more dominant he has become, the greater I am fulfilled (and Kayla too).  

Mike told me that it has influenced him at work. He is more decisive than ever before.  In his words, “I am bold, but not a bully.”   He communicates more clearly regarding expectations.  Basically, all the leadership stuff that he has always done well — he is doing even better.  

You might think, “how hard can it be to order your wife to lick the asshole of his girlfriend?”  Well, it requires a lot vulnerability the first time you ask for that! (not dismissing the vulnerability in being the licker or the lickee).   But after a number of every escalating kinky orders, he has all the confidence that I will comply in just about anything he asks (as will Kayla) and do so eagerly.  

Mike also said that while he never felt disrespected in our relationship, he now feels respected every moment of every day.  He said he was embarrassed to admit that he has found that respect to be like a drug.   Knowing that his every wish and every need will be respected is mind-boggling for him.   He says he finds it so fulfilling to not only be so completely respected, but to see how fulfilling it is to me and Kayla to give that respect.     

Choose one: Respect or Love?
It ties into something I read somewhere that, if given a choice between respect or love, most men choose respect and most women choose love.  I am sure there are many who disagree, and I am sure it varies by individual.  And i am not saying it is right or that is should be that way. It is just one of those axioms that resonate with my experiences in life.    

I am fulfilled through respecting every whim, dream, and desire that Mike has by serving him in every way he can imagine.   It’s great to know he is fulfilled too.   

NEXT: 130. Growing our Joy Box. XXX-mas in April.

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85. Bright or Dark? Source of Submission.

lite

If you read my last few posts (82 or 84), you know that Donna is staying with us while John is out of the country on business.  The first part of last week was hard on Donna as John required her to be subject to all my rules, and only my rules.  Having to forsake her normal routine and acts of submission was emotionally difficult.   She enjoyed the later part of the week and the weekend as John required her to only follow her normal rules, with Mike filling in for John.

Direction, Discipline, and Service.
I’ve always known John and Donna follow a different D/s relationship compared to Mike and me.  Donna really enjoys, craves, and is fulfilled by direction, discipline, and service. As for me, I like the Service the most, Discipline is good – a nice mix of pain and pleasure – but I don’t really delve into the Direction part.  I don’t seek Mike’s input on a lot of daily decisions. Part of it is that so much of my day is being a mother, and the decisions need to be made quickly.  I will give this more thought.  Perhaps there are more things I could be doing to be more submissive around “Direction.”  I kind of look at is as a nuisance to Mike if I have to seek too much direction from him.  I do defer a lot to him as it is, but I am sure I could do more.  Humm…something for me to think about and talk about with Mike.

Anyway, John set out the rules for this week and it surprised me.  He once again ordered Donna to follow my rules, from this morning (Monday) through when she wakes up on Friday.   I thought this might be devastating to Donna but she took it well.  She told me that it is much easier this week and I was surprised by her reasoning.  She said she is upbeat about it because she knows it will be difficult for her and more importantly, John knows it too, but John wants her to do it anyway.  It’s like, she feels more submissive, and thus more comfortable doing it, precisely because it is difficult for her and John knows it and is requiring it anyway.  Bottom line, she feels more like “his” submissive this week, even though she is following my rules.  Interesting!

SubmissionThe Dark Side or the Bright?
Spending all this time with Donna means we’ve been able to talk a lot. We’ve talked a lot about our personal motivations and satisfaction regarding submission.  I’ve always admitted that my submission is a bit “light” compared to Donna’s, but she made an interesting observation about my submission.   She said that she feels my submission comes from a “bright” place, and that hers is more from a “darker” place.  And, while she has not known many people who are submissive, her belief is that most cravings for submissiveness comes from a “darker” place and that I was not the norm.

What she meant by dark is that in her mind the submissive has some history that includes perhaps at least some neglect or belittlement, or at worst some physical or sexual abuse.   If not any of those, then at least a depression or high anxiety of other origin.

I’ve only known one submissive –Donna. She has met a few other than me, but didn’t know them well, so our sample size is basically limited to our personal experiences.  I disagreed with her and told her that I think it is her own personal confirmation bias talking.  We all relate best to our own experiences, and tend to assume that people who are like us must have also had similar experiences and have similar motivations.   I told her I’ve never read anything about this so can only assume that like most things in life, people involved in various TTWD run the gamut of life experiences.  That includes whether or not TTWD include D/s or any other kink.  My guess is there is no set profile of “dark” or “bright” (as she called it).

I do admit that her past has some physical, emotional, and sexual trials and tribulations that I’ve been fortunate enough not to experience.  I also admit that those experiences play a role in the colloquial “things we do” as well as in the kink culture TTWD.  I do not believe a specific set of life experiences predisposes someone to seek out a D/s relationship.  As this is just a gut feeling, I am open to the fact I could be wrong.

I also sensed condescension in her tone.  As if she was a “real” submissive and I was just playing like one.  That’s a bit of an over dramatization, but, I still felt that she was inferring this.  Funny thing, but I know in my discussions with Kayla that I’ve done far worse than just infer this.  When I was still feeling resentful about the Kayla situation I told Kayla that this was a serious life choice for me and I couldn’t accept her just doing it as a lark.  Funny how the tables have turned and Donna was basically saying something similar to me.

I avoided feeling offended by Donna as I was able to relate to what she was feeling.  I even told her how I related this to my situation with Kayla.    I agreed her submission is “deeper” than mine, but mine was made to fit me and Mike, not her and John.  It also made me realize even more that it is extremely important that Kayla is allowed to create something that fits Kayla, assuming submission is even a route she decides to go.  And so what if she is just “trying it on for size?”  There isn’t anything that says she has to be committed for life.  Heck, even I eased into the current level of submission I have with Mike.  We don’t owe the submissive lifestyle a certain “level” of submission.  My conversation with Donna just reinforced with me that we should encourage each other to find and maintain a lifestyle that brings us the most joy and fulfillment, whatever that lifestyle may be. 

I wonder if there have been any studies out there about submissives?  Specifically in the Domestic Discipline sense and specifically with the woman as submissive – although it would be interesting to see if the findings are similar with male submissives.  And I don’t mean Christian Domestic Discipline.  I mean regarding women who clearly had options and alternatives and sought out a D/s or a Domestic Discipline relationship of their own volition, absent any family or community/religious expectations.

My bet is we would find that we come from all walks of life, all ages, and a wide range life experiences.  Some great, some good, some not-so-good, and yes, some very bad too.  Oh, what do I know?  I’ve apparently got the “bright” form of submission which according to Donna predisposes me to see everything with rose-colored glasses.  Maybe so.  Maybe not?

86.  Nature vs. Nurture.  Finding my DD.

26. Submission = Transparency = Love

Where am I today with my DD?  No, this isn’t going to be about the latest punishment.  This one is going to be more the emotional touchy-feeling part of DD.  It’s my favorite part to share, but probably the least fun to read about.  So, “no pull-down your pants and bend over” stories today, but I hope you find it enlightening and thought provoking.

I am sure of me.
Technically I am a relatively newbie to DD, having started this lifestyle 14 months ago in March 2015.   However, I already feel like a veteran.  I have received far greater personal satisfaction from DD than I ever imaged.  I am at peace with myself, my thoughts, my aspirations, and my desires.  I am “sure” of myself.

I am sure of Mike.
My relationship with Mike is almost indescribable.  I can describe it, but it would likely sound like a fairy tale, almost delusional.  But the fact is, we are closer than ever.  We absolutely share everything and do so without judgement and with full acceptance.  The most succinct way I can possibly describe it is that we are sure of each other.  Sure of our intentions, sure of our love, and sure of respect.  This sureness translates into a oneness that again is hard for me to put into words.  I again refer back to the U2 lyric that goes, “We are one, but not the same.”   That’s Mike and I.

Path to Oneness:  Transparency, not Surrender
No question, we could have not have reached this point or have moved there so quickly if it wasn’t for DD. I often think about why that is.  I believe in order to get to complete oneness, someone in the couple must surrender themselves to the other.  To me, surrender is not about enslavement, it is about revealing oneself, it is about transparency.

A full and complete surrender breaks down every emotional wall that stands between you and your partner.  All sense of shame, embarrassment, and self will vanish.  Even though technically you are the submissive one, if you have the right partner they too surrender parts of themselves to you.  Once the “full reveal” is complete, both parties will have achieved total transparency with themselves and with each other.  They can now see, feel, touch, and explore both themselves and the other like never before.  This creates the self-actualization within both individuals, and leads to the oneness with each other.

Is DD the only way?
Of course not.  But it was the way for me.  For me, I can’t imagine getting to the level of surrender that would lead to complete transparency in any way other than DD.  If you can find some other way that works for you, go for it – but I encourage you to find that way, because complete transparency is truly amazing!

Why must one first surrender to the other?
I lack any research and can only surmise that it is much like a “you go first” mentality that humans have about revealing themselves.  Absent something dramatic, “the reveal” can take many years of incrementally sharing more of yourself with your partner.  I believe most of us go through life without ever fully revealing to our partner our thoughts, dreams, desires, preferences, likes, dislikes, compulsions, hang-ups, kinks, etc.  And I don’t mean just hinting around those things, but actually clearly and consistently sharing those things.   It is just too uncomfortable, even with a life-long partner.

Once one person fully surrenders, something magical happens that causes the other to surrender as well. Each person becomes “sure” of themselves, and in turn, becomes “sure” of each other.  While technically only one person has “surrendered” and is the submissive, both people have given of themselves to achieve total transparency in the relationship.

Thinking about that is so sad to me now.  I think of all the years that I wasn’t 100% present to Mike, and that he wasn’t 100% present to me.  In the past I would have told you our relationship was great.  I was oblivious to what “great” really meant.  Frankly, I didn’t realize this level of greatness existed.  I didn’t understand transparency.  Thanks to DD, I do now.   Submission equals transparency equals love.
Next – 27 Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission

 

15. My first Day. 100 spankings of thanks.

There’s a lot of detail I want to share about my first punishment.  It will help you understand a typical day, plus there were a lot of extra emotions and issues that come with it being the first time I would be punished.  Also,  you may have to read my blog about the contract to understand some terms I use.

Mike and I tried to prepare ourselves for the first Reward Ceremony.  We talked about it and I imagined it as being extremely orderly and precise.  I had a lot of confidence in what I painstakingly thought through and that we agreed upon.  At this time all my doubts were on his ability to deliver the Rewards and no doubts about my ability to accept them.  I was ready, but questioned his readiness.

Day 1.
Usual morning.  Mike gets up before me and is off to work about the time our son is waking up, which is typically my cue to wake up.  Yes, I don’t make Mike breakfast – that was never our dynamic. My DD is about being more accountable to what was important to me and to us and not about finding more shit for me to do.

Mike’s office is close to the house and he sometimes works all or some days from home.  This morning he was going into the office but planned to be back for lunch. Our son would be away at school.

Mike comes home just before noon.  All is “normal.”  I share with him a story of something that happened that morning at breakfast, and suddenly he says,

Go to your room.”
I was stunned.  I stood their baffled and said, “What?”
He calmly repeated.  “Go to your room.”

Again, I am clueless and all these thoughts raced through my head. What the hell did I do? Is this all a mistake, because if Mike can just make shit up, this isn’t going to work.  OMG, I am going to get spanked and everything I thought this was going to do for us was a mirage and all this time and energy was a waste and OMG, I am going to get spanked.

“uh, wha…uh, uh… okay,” I muttered, keeping those thoughts to myself as I walked towards our room.

I am not a big crier, but I found myself crying as I walked to our room.  It was out of disappointment that this whole DD idea that I had invested so much time and energy in and had so much high hopes for, was not just off to a bad start, but was never going to work.  However, the one calming factor in that moment was that Mike was calm.  This gave me some reassurance that I needed to trust him.  I also started to feel embarrassed and disappointed in myself as the night before I was doubting Mike on his ability to follow through and was very arrogant in my ability to do so.  Now here I was with all the doubts and hesitations, not even knowing what I did and he was calm and resolved.

I was still sobbing as I undressed and stood in the corner.  Mike didn’t come in for about five minutes, which felt like an eternity.

Mike broke “protocol” a bit by trying to comfort me since I was crying.  He asked if I wanted to proceed.  I feebly told him “yes, please, let’s do this,” and reassured him that it was just nerves.

He called me over and I stood before him and he asked me why we were there.   I honestly did not know. I was simply sharing a story about that morning, and now here we are.  Damn, does he remember that not knowing my Transgression is grounds for Additional Rewards?

Mike then explained that I had not been honest in my story.
“What, what are you talking about?”  I couldn’t help myself and blurted that out.

Mike pointed out something I said at the beginning of the story and something I said at the end.  To summarize, I started my story by characterizing what happened as being a “huge” ordeal that made a “massive” mess.  At the end of my story Mike asked me if it took a long time to clean up.  I said, no, it was just a little mess.  So, here we are in the room and Mike rhetorically asked, “Which one was it, was it a huge mess all over everything, or just a little one?”

He now lectured me.  He was very calm and matter of fact.  He reminded me that I specifically asked for help with my “embellishments.” I recognized I had that bad habit when telling stories.  While I felt my motives were pure, I knew it caused some friends and family to not always believe me.  Thus, I had specifically put “embellishment” in the Honesty clause.  Wow, there it was.  Mike called it perfectly, just as I had hoped the night before.

But I kept crying.  However, my emotions shifted to tears of relief, hope, and vindication for all the work I put into this, and sadness for doubting Mike, and love for Mike’s resolve and love for me to see this through.  In an instant I went from doubting DD to once again feeling like DD still held promise.

Now Mike said there was still more Transgressions and asked if I recalled them.  I realized there were three. The embellishment, the questioning of him, and the not recognizing the reason he called me to our room.   I eagerly recited them.

No, there are five,” Mike responded.  “You talked back and hesitated when I first told you to go to the room.” 

Okay, I remembered those now, so I said, “I see. Those two make it five.”

He joked, “Well, I was just counting the talking back and hesitation as one, but technically it is two. Tell you what, for first time sake, we’ll just have that count as one.  There is still one more.  The bed’s not made.”

Crap, I hadn’t even noticed.  We have a long standing “ritual” that the last one out of bed has to make it.  While it wasn’t explicit in the contract, it definitely fell under the cleanliness clause.  Wow, Mike wasn’t missing anything.

I gave my apology for not living up to the standards I set for myself and told him I would gladly accept the Reward he is about to give me.  That statement ends with, “Please give me my Reward now.”
I have vivid memories of the first time I said it as part of a Reward.  It had a lot more power to it than I imaged it would.  It was like a statement of having pride of ownership.  Yes, I messed up.  Yes, I didn’t act as I wished I had.  Yes, give me my reward as I asked for it.  In saying the words my tears began to dry up as I was no longer nervous.

He pulled out a chair, sat down, and I laid across his lap.  We fumbled a bit to find the right position that was comfortable for him and that kept my balance.  It was a bit comedic, and the comedy relief helped even more to calm the nerves.  He lectured me a bit more, recapping what brought us here.  He was spot in in his lecture and really showed me he was listening to all the things I said were important to me.  He didn’t lecture me on my actions, but that what brought us here was not fulfilling the commitments I made to myself.  Mike was handling it like a “pro.”

Here come the warm-up swats.
The 10 warm up swats came in rapid succession but I can recall my thoughts in the half-seconds between them.  My thoughts went something like this:

Swat!  The first one made me jump, not because it was particularly hard, but I just didn’t know what to expect.  My body said “flinch” but my mind was like, “that wasn’t’ anything.”

Swat!  Okay, just a little flinching this time, and still in the nanosecond before the next one my mind was still saying, “That wasn’t anything.”

Swat!  Swat!  Swat!   No flinching anymore, but I was beginning to understand it.  Spanks were sort of a cumulative thing.  They still didn’t hurt, per se, but I could feel a little bit more sting.

Swat! Swat! Swat!   Hey, that does sting a little.

Swat! Swat!   Okay, so, a little sting and some increased sensation to my butt, but not bad.   I guess that’s why these are called warm ups.

Here come the Reward Swats
My mind began to race with what would be next.  Five Transgressions including Obedience Transgressions which we agreed should be dealt with more significantly.  Mike didn’t say what the Reward was (he doesn’t have to).  Was I going to get just a lot of Common Rewards, an escalated Reward, or gulp, an Intense Reward on my first Ceremony?   After all, no one was home and he didn’t have to rush to work, so, we could be here a while.  The not knowing was more of a punishment than the warm up was.  And since this was our first one, it would be setting the precedent for others to come.  Surely it wouldn’t start out as Intense?

Swat!   Flinch.  “Oww”   Wow, first one was a stinger.
Swat! Swat! Swat!   Flinching with each one and by now had a grimace on my face and my jaw clenched.

“Relax” Mike said, as I was also clenching my butt.

Then about five more swats in and my flinching increased and I started to cry again.

“Try to be still or you’ll fall off my lap” he said, continuing to swat away.

While the spankings were having a cumulative effect with each one stinging more than the prior one, my crying wasn’t about the physical sensations.  Physically this was uncomfortable, but bearable.  I think it was a release of emotions from all that went through my mind the previous ten minutes or so and I did feel shame.

Mike slowed his pace but kept spanking me.  At one point he paused and I sensed my crying was influencing him.  I broke protocol by talking, but hey, it was our first time at this and he had already broken it a few times.  I blabbered something like, “Do as we talked about, I love you.”

He resumed the swats.  I hadn’t kept count, but it seemed like a long time.   It was odd but I stopped flinching much and my sobs decreased along the way, but my ass was stinging more and more.

He stopped and asked me to stand.

“Wow,” I thought to myself, “that felt like close to 100.”   Turned out it was 50 – basically 10 per Transgression.  So with the warm ups, my first Reward Ceremony was 60 spanks.

We embraced until I fully stopped sobbing.  He did ask if I was okay and I told him I was fine, in fact, I was so happy that he did exactly as we talked about.  I apologized for not making it easy on him with the arguing and crying.  He reminded me that no specific apologies are ever needed or expected at this point in our Ceremony.  I reassured him I was not crying over any physical pain and the tears were all positive. He said “All is forgiven.”  I replied, “All is forgiven.”  And that concluded our first Reward Ceremony.

POST-REWARD
I got dressed, washed up, and walked out of the bedroom with an amazing feeling.  A rebirth, a reawakening, and a redemption. I was refreshed and recharged.  I don’t know what all chemically was going on in my body, but it felt good.  Mike greeted my entrance with a quick kiss and we sat down and had lunch.  He said he was going to log on from home for a bit, but would have to return to the office in a few hours.  He went to his home office and that was that – all as if nothing happened, just as I had hoped.  The issue was settled, it was done.  Life moves on.

I had this amazingly energy, and went about accomplishing the things I needed to do that afternoon. I was loving life!

MORE TO COME ON DAY 1
I was sitting at the computer when Mike came out of his home office and said he had to go back into to work. He went to the kitchen to grab a soda and then suddenly I hear

“Hey Jen, please come here.”

Hum, while it was very calm and polite, it was direct.  Normally it would be, “can you please come here.”   I was wondering what was up and quickly found out.   Immediately upon walking into the kitchen, Mike says,

“Drop your pants.

Oh crap, I saw it.  I left various trash out around the kitchen counters. I had specifically reminded Mike that I wanted him to hold me accountable if I left the kitchen without throwing my trash away.  It took a second for me to mentally process the fact he was calling for an Immediate Reward.   We had talked about how Immediate Rewards can be effective by having them administered “at the scene” of the Transgression by tying my presence in the location to the memory of the Reward.  As I unbuttoned by pants I actually smiled a little as I was proud again of Mike in seeing this through, and that this time I recognized the Transgression.   The only negative thought I had was, “what would this feel like after already been spanked 60 times.”

As I unbuttoned and pulled down my pants and panties, it bought me a few seconds to take a quick glance at the several nearby windows.  There was one in particular where the angle would have to be just right, but a neighbor could potentially see my exposed ass and spanking if he happened to be in the right spot in his yard.  I didn’t say anything and stuck with our agreement bent over and held the edge of the counter as Mike instructed me.

Swat! Mike gave 10 rapid and firm spanks.  The last 4 or so really stung.  I made grunt-like sounds towards the end.  No crying this time.  He asked me why I earned the Reward and I confidently and correctly answered.  I apologized and Mike then gave me the second-half of the Immediate Reward.

Swat!  10 more in rapid succession.  This time all but the first few really stung and I actually got out an “ow” or two near the end.   He asked me to pull my pants up.  We embraced and followed our After Care process and ended with “all is forgiven.”   He gave me a kiss and left for work.

I went on with my afternoon with the same exuberance and energy I had prior to the Immediate Reward and this time with added pride that we flawlessly executed a Reward on the first day.  In addition, my butt was now a little sensitive.  I felt more confident than ever that we were on the right track.

The Toothpaste Cap.
The rest of the afternoon and evening was fairly typical with the exception of my high energy.  I got so much done that day regarding errands and housework.   I even reorganized my closet.  One uncommon thing was that Mike called me on his way home to ask if I wanted him to pick us up some dinner.  I was used to calling him anytime I didn’t feel like cooking to ask him if he wanted to cook or pick something up, but he never called me first.  I’ll accept it was out of guilt if that’s what you think, but I opt to accept it as just being thoughtful, and was the first of many such thoughtful things he would routinely begin to do.

Our evening progressed normally.  That night I got ready for bed before him and was laying in the bed making my first journal entry when he came in.  I heard Mike turn on the shower but then he poked his head out from the bathroom door and asked me to come to him.  I already knew that look.  It was the same look as the “kitchen incident” that afternoon.   I went into the bathroom and immediately knew.  There was a big dollop of hand cream that I dropped on the sink counter, I left my brush out, and there was a lot of water all over the counter.  Yikes, I didn’t clean up after myself.  Mike administered another Immediate Reward there in the bathroom.

He asked me to drop my pajamas and panties.  He had me grab my ankles this time versus holding on to the counter, and, he grabbed the hairbrush.

Smack!  Smack!  Smack!   The hairbrush made a higher-pitched smacking sound compared to his hand, and while the first couple smacks were fine, I really felt some major stings by the third.  I was saying “ow” louder and louder with each one.

I was about to say my safe word to have him pause, but I just made it to 10 and then he stopped.  He asked me why I earned my reward, and I was able to accurately explain the mess I left.  Mike added, “Oh yeah, and I can’t find the toothpaste cap.”  I made my apology and he lectured me a bit and explained the hairbrush was used because this was the second time my transgression was about tidiness that day and it was one of the things I didn’t put away.  He then gave me the second-half of the Immediate Reward, but fortunately he used his hands.

Swat! Swat!  They didn’t sting as much as the hair brush but they hurt more than the ones from the morning.  By the end I was taking deep breathes to keep my composure.  Finally the 10th swat with his hand and it was over.  It was now after care and “all is forgiven.”   He took his shower and I cleaned up and went back to journaling.

I always remember how that day ended in a Reward because although it played a minor role, I like to jokingly trivialize that memory as the toothpaste cap incident.

Final Reflections
That night when I journaled, I recognized how that day would have gone prior to DD.

  • Had Mike called me out as embellishing, I would take it as if he was calling me a liar.
    Result = Argument
  • Had Mike complained about me not making the bed, I would resent being called lazy.
    Result = Argument.
  • Had Mike complained about the toothpaste lid, I would have called him petty and mean.
    Result = Argument.

What would I have written if this day occurred Pre-DD, and what did I actually write?

Pre DD:   “What a pissy ending to a pissy day.  Several heated arguments with Mike.  I resent this and I resent that…. I am so mad…. I hated today.

Actual:  Peace, contentment, and love between Mike and I.  I accomplished so much today and have an increased awareness to avoid embellishments, do my chores, and keep things clean.  All great steps towards being the person I want to be for myself and my family.  I loved today.  

And I had 100 spankings to thank for that.

Next: 16. Sexual Thoughts, Dreams, Desires, Fantasies

8. NOW I am ready to get hubby aboard

How do I even bring up this subject?  What will he think?  What if he refused?  What’s my plan B?

At this point about two weeks have gone by and I had become completely invested in seeing this through.  I already wrote down my initial list of Duties and Obligations to myself.  I was convinced my version of DD was the right thing for us to try.  How do I bring it up in a way that he understands it isn’t because he has been inadequate in any way?   I also recognized that level of selfishness in this. It was really all about me and what I wanted.  Sure I needed his buy in, but I really needed his buy in.  It became very important to me that we try this and remember, I am used to getting my way.  But I also realized that if it works it can’t be forced on Mike.  He has to really feel and understand it from my perspective.  It was hard enough to convince myself, how would I convince him?

It was unfair for me to think that he had the easy part thus should be easy to convince. The reality is, he isn’t dominant by nature, and I effectively conditioned him to defer to me.  So I needed a strategy to help him conclude it was right for him and for us, and not that it was all about me.  I did that the way I often tackled problems – focus on the outcome. 

Getting Mike to agree and accept that the outcome is what we both want…for each other and for our family.  Then work backwards from that outcome to come up with what DD would mean for us….and I wouldn’t use the term DD.  I didn’t want to give any preconceived definition of what I was talking about and as it turns out, he hadn’t heard the term before.  What I would be suggesting is a change in lifestyle that was our own, without label.  It just so happened to conform to many DD principles.  Okay, I was convinced I had the approach that would work in theory, but how do I start the conversation?  

I don’t recall exactly how I started it, but it was something like this. “Mike, I want us to make some changes in how things work around the house.” 

I shared with him that I have been concerned about my turning into a slob and leaving him my own big messes to clean up.  I was concerned about my forgetfulness, my clumsiness, my short temper with him and the kids, etc.  My inability to give everyone the time I wanted to give them because I just couldn’t stop myself from trying to solve everyone’s problems and meet everyone’s needs.   I told him I needed his help.  With his help we can have less stress, more together time, an overall better managed household from cleanliness to finances and we could become closer as a couple.

I asked a couple of questions that I knew the answer had to be “yes”, such as “Have you noticed those things of me?”    That’s kind of a Jedi-mind trick I learned.  Get the person saying “yes.”  It creates momentum that makes it hard for them to say no later, and it helps build confidence in yourself to keep asking increasingly tougher questions.   Then came the golden “what would it mean to you…” question that I love to ask everyone.  I asked him, “What would it mean to you if we could accomplish those things together?”  He responded with all the personal gratification he would get from having those things and seeing me happy, etc.  So, at that point, I knew he as going to be open to considering any suggestion I had that could potentially give him that satisfaction.

At this point Mike’s on board that some things need to change about me and that he is all ears on how he can help me with that.  I then said something like, “I believe the best way to accomplish these changes would be for me to give up certain responsibilities.  Not that I would be doing less, in fact, I want to do more, but, I feel that I haven’t been able to be responsible to myself for the things I want to do, and that is where I need your help. I want to take the responsibility for myself and give it to you as a gift, with love.”  I remember that phrase as I had practiced it over and over in my head.

Mike was puzzled and I stated it again, and then a third time, all with the same puzzled reaction from Mike. I then had this panic like, “oh god, he doesn’t understand, quick Jennifer, think of more to say.  How could I have thought that this was all I was going to have to say.  Say something, say something!”   There was quite the awkward pause.   In hindsight, I am glad I didn’t rehearse beyond the initial phrase as now it was time to speak directly from the heart with the raw and true emotions that can only come from speaking what I was feeling at that very moment.  These weren’t my exact words, as I am sure it was more babble and less eloquent, but I recall it sounded something like this:

“Mike, I haven’t been myself, and need your help in being the person I want to be. The person I want to be for myself, for you, and for the kids.  I believe the best way I can get to being that person is with you taking responsibility for my actions.  Where I agree to do certain things and behave a certain way, and you hold me responsible.  For some reason I just can’t be that person on my own anymore but I know I can be that person if I know I have clearly committed to being that person and that you will be there to hold me accountable.”

I think adding in the terms “responsibility” and “accountability” really helped him to begin realizing what I was suggesting.   Now, instead of puzzlement, I got a response that went to the heart of the matter.

Responsible for what actions and accountable in what ways?”   Wow, he said it.  There it was.  That is the question that everyone considering DD has to address.  And the answers are as varied as there are people – there is no right or wrong answer – only the one that works for your relationship.  Here was the very question whose answer would determine our path forward.

My answer went something like this.   “I haven’t thought all of this through and will need your help in doing that, but right now when I think of you being responsible for my actions it means that you could help inforce the behaviors I want from myself.  You can remind me of my promises that I made regarding what I will do and how I will behave.  For instance, you wouldn’t be responsible for doing all the cleaning, but would be responsible for reminding me to get certain chores completed.  Those reminders will help me.  That is what I mean by being responsible for me. Does that make sense?”

He said he thought he understood, but okay, so he would take on some responsibility in helping me, but what did I mean about accountability?  Yikes, there it is.  The punishment conversation.  While I had reconciled this in my mind, I was still very uncomfortable talking about this with him and I didn’t want to be the first to say spanking or punishment or anything like that.

My answer was that it meant he would hold me accountable beyond just the reminder.   I told him if all he could do is constantly remind me, he would just be a nag and neither of us want that.  Instead, we would agree on certain consequences if I failed to do something.  I remember asking him if that made sense.   His answer was spot on.   “Do you mean a consequence like a punishment?”

I can still see his face the moment he said those words. It was the “moment of truth” in this discussion.  It would now be about Domestic Discipline no matter if we called it that or not.   The word “punishment” had been spoken for the first time.

My mind raced. I started thinking about way too many details dealing with punishment and visualizing the actual act of spanking.  I didn’t know what to say so after another long awkward pause I uttered fairly softly, “Yeah, a consequence like a punishment.”

Mike’s reaction was a half-smile, like his imagination was at work, but I could tell he wasn’t sure what I was saying.  His half-laughing response was, “Are you serious?  What type of punishments are you talking about?”   I was nervous to say specific things, and in hindsight, am glad I did not.  I feel my answer put us on the path towards success, as this punishment thing could have gone horribly wrong if we went in with misconceptions about what it was.  So, how would I explain the type of punishments I was talking about?

NEXT – 9 The “S” word… gulp… Spanking.

 

1. DD convert

I want to share my experience that completely transformed my life in ways I could not have previously imagined. I had become lazy, forgetful, argumentative, and indecisive – in short, I was not living life according to my own personal commitments, wishes, and desires.  That all changed almost overnight.  I found a way of living that allows me to best honor all the commitments I make to myself.   I know my path is unique and my methods are not for everyone – and may even shock you.  None-the-less, I am convinced that many of the concepts of my journey will help you, even if you find different methods to apply those concepts.  Please suspend all judgement and open yourself to the possibility that you can achieve a greater satisfaction in life and in love by applying some of the principles I will be sharing on subsequent blogs.

Next: 2. The Backstory.