Tag Archives: discipline

196. This, That, and Some Other Stuff

Things are getting somewhat back into a normal routine.  It won’t last because as Christmas approaches, our middle son, T2, will be home for the holidays.  That will put a kink in our kink!

THIS  —   A COMING OUT (sort of)
Mike and I did share a bit of our lifestyle with our kids and, when appropriate, with anyone else we mingled with over the Thanksgiving.  It was high level information.  Basically that I decided to defer more to their dad, allow him to be more of the decider of things, and stuff like that.  Nothing negative about it.  Growing up they were accustomed to me being more of the domineering one, so it isn’t like there is any kink attached to who the primarily leader or follower is in a marriage.  It just so happens there is a lot of kink attached to ours, but, we left that part out – Ha!

The change was surprising to them, but they were fine with it.  They didn’t even ask too many questions of me.  Basically I just said this is how I choose to be, and they were like, “Okay, Mom.”  

We also told them that Kayla has decided to follow my lead and also look to Mike for guidance and she too is extending the same “respect” to Mike that I do – such as addressing him as “Sir.”  My middle one who is always quick to share what’s on his mind said, “Is it just her respect that she is extending to Dad?”   To which I calmly replied, “I am not sure what you mean, but whatever she extends or doesn’t extend is between your dad, me, and Kayla.”  I think they all understood that there was more going on, but for once my inquisitive son got the hint and decided not to inquire further.   I think part of it is that they just don’t want to know.  Regardless how old you get, you never think of your parents as having any sex life, especially an adventurous one.  

THAT  —  KAYLA AND MICHAUD UPDATE
I mentioned in my last post that the two of them have had sex.  So far their relationship seems to be going well.  I am not sure what to make of Michaud’s acceptance of her relationship with us.  I mean, it’s great he accepts it.  I would much rather he accept it than not.  But a part of me wonders what type of person would accept it?   It has to be tough to know you have a girlfriend who won’t open up and share certain parts of herself  with you.  And not only exclude you from certain parts of herself, but at the same time is including someone else in those parts.   In many ways he is sharing Kayla with us, especially with Mike.  That has to be hard. 

I wonder if it is hard on Kayla too?  She says she is happy with how things have progressed thus far.  She sees her relationship with us as very distinct and separate from Michaud.  She does not defer to Michaud any more or less than he defers to her.  It is a very “normal” relationship, as she puts it, where neither one of them is dominant.  That’s how she wants it.   She says there is the “submissive” Kayla and the “non-submissive” Kayla and she loves both of them.

I did ask her what she would do if she had to make a choice.  She said she doesn’t want to have to do that, but right now, her needs for submission trump her other needs.  But she admits that could change over time.  She just hopes that any changes can go smoothly without anyone being hurt.   We continue to be very supportive of her and made it clear she is not obligated to stay with us.  Of course we want her to stay, but we understand there could come a day where she feels it is best to move on, whether in whole or in part.

Michaud passed a big test in Kayla’s eyes (and mine too) when she was naked in front of him and she had a bruised bottom.  It wasn’t a huge bruise, but a bruise none-the-less.  Kayla said she didn’t try to hide it and told him to go ahead and take a close look at it.  She shared with him how she felt about it (which were all positive feelings) and used the opportunity to again share with him what being submissive means to her.  She said it was a good conversation and Michaud asked a lot of questions, never getting upset or animated by her answers.  She even told him there may be times she has bruises elsewhere, such as on her breasts or thighs.  She doesn’t get bruises often, but she wanted him to be prepared and deal with his concerns now versus later. 

After they talked she ended it with asking him how he was feeling about being with her.  He told her he loved her and while she is a bit “out there” when it comes to what she needs in life, he is happy that he can fulfill and experience whatever part she is looking to share.  He did say that it all does make him feel a bit awkward and insecure at times, but he is trying.  And with that Kayla told him how much she loves him and hates that a part of her makes him feel that way.  She told him she loves him for allowing her to get fulfillment in whatever way she desires it, even if that means it was with someone else.

He did ask the inevitable question of, “Will it always be like this?”  To which she said, “I don’t know.  I don’t know what ‘always’ even looks like.  I just know what I need from life right now.  And I need my submissive life with Mike and Jen, and I need you and I am so happy you allow me to have both.  If we reach a point you aren’t happy with me having both, or I am not happy with both, then we owe it to each other to talk about it, but until then, let’s keep enjoying this.”   And from all appearances, they are. 

SOME OTHER STUFF – THE NEW KAYLA AS A GIRLFRIEND
Kayla shared with Mike and I that her relationship with Michaud is unlike any she has ever had.  Not because of Michaud, although that is a big part of it, but because of her.  She really is a different person than she was in any previous relationship.   She said she is more open and honest with what is on her mind, what she is feeling, what she is needing.  She has never articulated it so clearly and so frequently than she has with Michaud.  She says it feels liberating.   No hidden agenda, no unsaid concerns or unresolved emotions.   She’s just 100% “out there” with him and it feels amazing that he accepts it.

She only hopes Michaud is doing the same on being open and honest.  It sounds like he is not shy to share whatever doubts or needs for information that he has.  How he is reconciling her answers may not be clear, but I think it is a good sign that he isn’t shying away from asking questions 

SOME OTHER STUFF – OH SUBMISSION!
With the passing of Mike’s mom and Thanksgiving, I went two weeks without a spanking.  This time it wasn’t the spanking I missed as much as my overall routine.  But I also missed the sensations.

One night when Mike and I were having sex I asked him to squeeze my nipples really hard, harder, harder.  I then asked for nipple clamps.  Mike obliged both with the nipple suckers first, then the clamps.   It felt so good to “feel the burn.”   

Mike will sometimes slap my breasts when we have sex, but that too needed to be harder this time.  I asked him to slap them harder, and harder still.  It was much like the intensity of a punishment. 

This was different for us in a way, but not really.  Our sex play can get pretty physical.  This was just more than our usual physicality.  I’ve shared before that I don’t mix discipline with sex.  This wasn’t discipline.  It was more about mixing a little pain with the sex, not about mixing sex with the pain.  There is a difference.  I can’t explain it.  Maybe it is self-explanatory?  Anyway, it felt good.  I needed that sensation.  I needed that dominance from Mike.  I needed that submission.   

NEXT:  197. Do ya wanna have sex?

191. Spanking, sex, and a question

It’s not all happy, happy, joy, joy.

I often write about how wonderful life is.  It is.
I often write about how fulfilling my submission is.  It is.
I write about trusting Mike’s decisions.  Whether or not I agree, I accept.
I write about the compersion I feel from Mike and Kayla sharing love (and sex).  Their relationship brings me joy.

BUT, something happened recently that unsettled me.

SPANK
It was a few nights ago, J was asleep.  Kayla was being spanked by Mike.  There are many times we have seen each other being spanked, but we don’t go out of our way to watch.  Often, when one of us is being disciplined the other tries to give some space so as not to interrupt the mood of the disciplining session.

Bedtime was closing in and I needed to shower and prepare for bed.  I walked into the bedroom and saw Kayla bent over, elbows on the bed, and Mike preparing to spank her.  I quickly trotted into the bathroom, closed the door, and showered.

When I finished I did not hear sounds of spanking, but I heard very light, short, high-pitched sounds.  It took me a few seconds to place it.   It was Kayla.  I thought, “Oh, Mike must have ordered her to masturbate.”  I opened the bathroom door and walked into the bedroom to see Kayla in the same position, bent over, elbows on the bed.  And Mike was behind her, fucking her.

SEX
I’ve seen them have sex many times.  But it was odd that they were having sex right after a punishment.  That’s not something we normally do as we generally keep sex and discipline separate.

I stood there and watched.  Mike pulled out and away, reached over and grabbed his belt, and started spanking her again.  I was shocked.  It wasn’t just sex after a spanking, but sex as part of the discipline.

Mike saw that I was watching, and told me to bring him the flogger.  As I walked it over to him, he flipped Kayla over on her back.  He told her to spread her legs and he proceeded to flog her thighs and her pussy.  Not too hard, but enough to cause her to writhe a bit from side to side.

Grabbing her legs, he pulled her closer to the edge of the bed and started fucking her again.  He came insider her.  He then flipped her over on her chest, legs dangling over the side of the bed.  He then started spanking her by hand and continued for some time. Upon stopping, he then started fingering her until she came.  He then took his belt and gave her three or four more strikes, and then it was over.  He told her to stand up, they hugged and went through their aftercare.   He then told her to get ready for bed.

There was a lot of rawness to it all.  A forcefulness.   Not just discipline.  Not just sex.  More a display of power than a delivery of discipline.

I’ve shared before that Mike is more strict with Kayla than with me, and the discipline she receives is more harsh.  It’s the way she wanted it.  I’ve witnessed similar punishments like this one before. But not intertwined with the sex.

QUESTION
At Sunday’s Maintenance Session I shared with Mike how that punishment troubled me.  I admitted I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, but I knew it wasn’t good.  The mix of sex and discipline bothered me.

It has been awhile since I last questioned Mike’s actions.  Mike was great, as always. He listened to my concerns and was not offended or defensive about it.  He said the spanking and the flogging were consistent with other discipline he has given Kayla, but the sex was new.

Mike said he wasn’t sure why he did it.  He didn’t owe me an explanation, but I was happy he offered one. He has shared before that he often gets aroused from discipline, but, he doesn’t act on it as he too wants to keep sex and discipline separate.  But, this time, he said the urge was just too great and he gave into it.  And the way Kayla responded just made him even more horny.  He said he was thinking there will be more of it in the future, so he wanted to understand my concerns.

I couldn’t really articulate my feelings. I told him perhaps it just seemed too rough to me. While she fully consented, it just seemed, well, forced.  I know it wasn’t.  It was just that discipline hasn’t been a setting for sex, thus, in my mind there was this unspoken rule.  Discipline was a sex free zone and Mike violated that.

There have been times there was sex  with discipline, even with me.  But the few times it occurred it was typically just oral sex (sucking his cock), or, sex immediately following the Closing ceremony.  This was not that.

Mike called Kayla into our Maintenance Session.  He thought it would be helpful for the three of us to talk about it. She said she loved the discipline she received.  “The pain and submission of being spanked added to the pleasure and submission of Mike forcing himself on me was mind-blowing.”

I felt a little better that she enjoyed it.  But there was still more to what bothered me.  It finally clicked what it was.  I wasn’t feeling any compersion over the sex I witnessed.  I didn’t enjoy seeing Mike being so raw and forceful with Kayla.

We talked about this for some time, but never really reconciled why I feel that way.  I can’t articulate why – it just is.  Until I can make sense and articulate what it is that I feeling, it is difficult to break it down and reconcile it.  I am open to ideas?

I shared with Mike that I felt it is not for me to question his decisions regarding Kayla’s discipline.  I also don’t want him to feel bad for what happened nor feel reluctant to repeat it.  I reassured him I would figure this out and not to mind my concerns.  Mike thanked me for saying that but he said he would exclude sex in any future discipline for a little while. We agreed to talk more in hopes that there is an epiphany after it percolates more in our minds.

And percolates it does.  I have a lot of theories, but when I think them through I end up saying, “No, that’s not it.”   So yeah, an ideas?

NEXT: 192. Vanquish the Negativity

187. Happy Wife. Happy Life.

187

And this Happy Wife is happiest when she is serving her husband!

I am really loving my Homemaker Duties Schedule!  One of the best ideas Mike has ever had.  And thus far it has worked as he intended – it’s been a blessing, not a burden.  All my chores are broken into daily bite-sized pieces, complete with scheduled “down time” to relax.   Down time I often use for blogging, which is why I have posted so much lately.  

And the schedule is not so rigorous that I have to “Relax between 10 and 11 today.”  It is more like, “one hour of relaxing” that I fit in at some point in the day.   And Mike has been a stickler in following up with me.  He will call or text me and ask me if I’ve “done my down time” yet.  He wants to make sure I stay fulfilled, not burdened, with my duties.

And with this frequent blogging means more mundane day-to-day things to share.  That is, if you call serving your husband as a god and being disciplined for your misbehavior mundane.  Yeah, that type of mundane!   With that, here’s several updates to my “mundane” existence — 

WEIGHT
Here’s an update on my Quarterly Goals, which this quarter is to lose 18 pounds by January 17.  Just two weeks in and I am happy to report I’ve lost 3.3 pounds!  I am happy to be a little ahead of schedule as I imagine the first few pounds are easier to lose than the last few.

What is even more exciting is that I haven’t done anything too dramatic to make that happen.  So as it gets more difficult to shed the last few pounds I should be able to simply exercise more to make it happen.

I’ve cut about 250-300 calories out of my diet by doing some very simple things. I continue to only drink water.  I switched to egg whites when I want eggs.  I stopped eating muffins or pastries and just have a piece of toast instead.  I double up on my veggies.  No dessert.   Very limited snacking and always a healthy snack.  I read labels and always opt for the lower calorie, lower carb options.  And most of all, I always leave a little bit on my plate.  Just a bite or two, but I found it serves as a visual testament to my resolve.  Oh, and portion control!  Especially when eating out, which we don’t do a lot of anymore.

Added to the dietary changes is I walk 30 minutes almost every day.  I plan to up this to daily soon.  I also jump rope at least 20 minutes every other day and again, plan to up this to daily soon.   Jumping rope is fun with you don’t have heavy clamps on your nipples, hee-hee (Post 35. Calisthenics of Doom)  

TESTING MY WILL FOR GRACE
Hee hee, see what I did there… Will For Grace.. Will and Grace.   No?  Come on, I thought that was funny.  (FYI for you non-Americans.  This is a reference to a tv show).

I am having the hardest time with the “Gracefullness” part of our new Contract.  It is hard to change something that is just so automatic, such as how I walk or sit.  Mike has been understanding and is looking for “progress, not perfection,” at least for now.

I take my Duties and Obligations seriously, so guess what?  I enrolled in an “Etiquette Class.”  There is a company that has an adult program that, among other things, helps teach things like “attitude and body language.”  They also provide some one-on-one consulting.  The price wasn’t too bad and I hope it is worth it.   I signed up for their two classes and purchased two one-on-one consulting sessions.  I joked with Mike I was going to tell them I wanted to know the best way to present my ass when preparing for my husband to spank me.  Their reaction would be priceless!  I think I’ll refrain from doing this as I don’t want to risk being kicked out of etiquette class. 

FORGET ME NOT
While I haven’t been spanked for being “ungraceful”, I have been disciplined a few times since that first disciplining under the new contract.   I forgot about a doctor’s appointment.   This falls under my “Workload” clause in the Emotional Self Care section of our Contract.

I had scheduled is a long time ago, before I was as organized as I am today.  I forgot to put it on my calendar but luckily got a reminder from the doctor’s office the day before.  I do have a little bit of slack built into the schedule for unexpected things, but not enough to accommodate a doctor’s visit and this appointment should have been expected.  Mike spanked me (hard of course, as they all are), because I failed to meet certain commitments that day due to the doctor visit. 

DISCIPLINE FOR THE DISCIPLINE MANTRA
Making matters worse, when he spanked me, I fumbled the Discipline Mantra.  I hadn’t practiced it in a while.  In some ways it isn’t something I want to get familiar with saying, since it is something I say as part of our Discipline Ceremony.   But, I need to learn it.  I said it correctly the first time I was disciplined under the new Contract.  Mike is now requiring that I recite it as part of my two weekly Maintenance Sessions.  This will help me from getting “rusty” if I have long stretches of behaving.

This is from our Discipline Ceremony in our Contract.  I thought I’d share here since I referenced it above:  Mike, I am sorry for {specify Disobedience}, as that does not live up to the standards you expect of me and I deserve of myself.  Thank you for acknowledging my Disobedience and for Disciplining me so that I may properly reflect and learn to be more obedient to you.  I gladly accept and look forward to the Discipline you are about to give me. Please Discipline me now.”

I learned it is no fun to fumble the Discipline Mantra.  I am already being disciplined for whatever behavior prompted the discipline and then — boom — more gets added!  And Mike’s go-to disciplining measure when it involves something I say or fail to say includes a soaping and his “special” rinse and/or drink.   Maybe I should rethink not having pee as a hard limit?   Oh, it’s not as bad as it sounds (usually).  I think I am more disgusted with the thought of it than the actual act.  Moving on…

OUT GO THE LIGHTS
The other disciplining I received was for something a bit different.  I left some lights on.  This was something newly added to the “Finance” portion of my DD.  Basically I commit to not being wasteful by leaving lights on or other wasteful habits.

Mike came to me and said, “I walked in our bedroom and the light was on in the bedroom and the bathroom.  Is there a reason you left them on?”

I responded with, “I am sorry, Sir.” 

“Jen, I didn’t ask for an apology, I want to know if there is a reason it happened?”

I didn’t want to make excuses and I definitely over thought my answer.  “I just forgot to turn them off.  I am sorry, I will try to do better.” 

Mike then said in his “matter-of-fact-but-you’re-on-thin-ice” voice, “That’s the second time you haven’t answered my question.  I truly want to know if there is a reason.  Was the reason that you just forgot, or was there more to what you were doing that caused you to forget?”

“Yes, Sir, I had a basket full of laundry so I couldn’t turn them off immediately.  I planned to go back and do so but forgot, Sir.” 

“That’s perfectly understandable,” Mike added, “and if you would have answered my question the first time I would just have suggested that you put the basket down and turn off the light as you leave the room and left it at that.  But since you are trying to read into my question as if I don’t mean what I say, you need to go to room and I’ll be there in moment.”

Fortunately J and Kayla were playing something on the computer, far from our bedroom.  Mike came in I ended up being spanked, soaped (with rinse and drink), and had to write lines.

PERSPECTIVE
I accept my discipline without hesitation or question.  It is part of what I need and want for myself.  However, writing about it gives me a perspective that is a different from living in it.  When I write, I can sort of “hover” over what has happened, as a viewer, not just a participant.  And the viewer in me sometimes reacts different from the participant.

The viewer in me asks, “Jen, is this what you wanted way back when?  You wanted Mike to spank you, wash your mouth out with soap, have you drink his pee, all for the way you answered him for not turning out a light?”

And my answer remains the same.   “It doesn’t matter what I wanted then.  Being accountable to Mike and subject to his discipline is absolutely what I want now!”  I may not prefer certain punishments, but I prefer the Jen of today over the Jen of a few years ago.  I prefer my happiness of today, my fulfillment for today, and my rejoicing in today!

NEXT:  188.  The Cock Block (or is it Clam Jam?)


184. This, That, and Sex, Sex, and more Sex

184

Several different topics I thought I’d update you on.

DISCIPLINE – JEN
I’ve been disciplined a few times recently (other than what I shared), but not worth writing about in detail.  Sorry.  I don’t intend to share every disciplinary action.   But I did want to share a few things in general that I felt were noteworthy.

Mike said he was going to pick up the intensity and he has delivered.  Ouch!   In hindsight I think he was right in that the level of discomfort I was getting might have been insufficient for them to serve as a consistent deterrent (as perhaps evidenced be the tea incident).  At the time I didn’t think they were insufficient, but given the intensity of what I received lately, I definitely feel extremely deterred to disobey.   My butt and breasts have been very red and even bruised from the couple of recent disciplining I received. 

SUBMISSIVE MINDSET
Other than a few mishaps, I am doing extremely well with my added duties and obligations.  I feel I have achieved the submissive mindset I was searching for.  Not that it is a final destination – I know I must work to maintain it and events in life can still threatened that mindset.  But, I really believe I consistently feel submissive and not just act submissive.  My thoughts are constantly on how I can better serve Mike and be a better wife, lover, and mother.  This “submissive mindset” is something I wrote about yearning for in Post 148. Dom/Sub Therapy Session.   

In my first two Thursday Maintenance Sessions I honestly had no “unsubmissive” thoughts to report.  My mind has been highly focused on Mike – his needs, his desires.  And while my attention has to be on other things at times, namely our son, my duties and obligations are always top of mind.  And it has been effortless.  Sort of a switch just went off and there it was, the focus I was looking for.   “Focus” is actually not a good word, because I don’t work at it. . . I don’t “focus” on it.  It just is.  It is just my mindset.

Even though I had nothing “unsubmissive” to report, I still receive the maintenance spankings and they have been whoppers.  Last Thursday I was a bit in knots in anticipation prior to the session as I knew what I was in for spanking-wise.  It is another one of those things that is hard to describe – the anxiety over what is to come becomes part of the pleasure once it does come.  Can’t explain it.  Must be a sub thing.  

DISCIPLINE – KAYLA
Things are all good between us.  The sex is frequent and fun, Mike’s D/s relationship with Kayla is going well.  Kayla feels very good about what she is getting from Mike.  I mentioned before their dynamic is a little different from Mike and I.  Even with the changes from our current Contract, Mike is much more strict and stern with her than he is with me.

It is uncommon, but not unheard of, for me to spank Kayla.  Typically I text Mike if she does something disobedient and await his instructions.  He might instruct me to discipline her on his behalf or he may indicate he will address it when he gets home.  When instructed to spank her, I also have to send him pictures of her butt to show him the results.  He may tell me to spank her more if what he sees is not to his liking. 

I don’t have a problem spanking her.  There was a time I found it interefered with my submissive mindset, but I’ve got past that.  I think I mentioned before that when I spank her, I really identify with and focus on her.  Her vulnerability, her submission, her shame.   To the extent I think about what I am doing, I think of it in the context of doing it for Mike because it is what he commanded.  All of this results in me being fine with spanking her and I can still maintain a submissive mindset. 

SEX – MIKE, JEN & KAYLA
Sex-wise, while Mike and I have plenty of sex, so do Kayla and Mike, especially oral.  Mike loves it, of course, but as I mentioned before, so does Kayla.  I’ve never known a woman who loves to suck cock as much as her.  I’ve also shared before that Kayla occasionally has an orgasm just over sucking Mike.  If J isn’t home, it is pretty typical for me to walk in with Kayla on her knees going at Mike, whether it be in the kitchen, while he sits and watches television, or is in his office working.

Most nights the three of us sleep together, but we still have designated “alone time” with Mike.  Kayla sleeps in her room and I get Mike alone, or I sleep in Kayla’s room and she gets Mike alone.  We don’t have set days for this anymore (Post 107).  It is just up to Mike to tell us what (or more accurately, “who”) he wants.

Mike choosing is a very casual thing.  He will simply tell me, “Jen, I want to sleep alone with Kayla tonight so you’ll sleep in her room tonight.”  And that is that.  I simply say “Yes, Sir.”  He does the same in telling Kayla when he wants to just sleep with me.  I am perfectly fine with this as I want him to have whomever he wants sexually.

There are times when we all sleep together where Mike will tell one of us to just masturbate and watch.  Other times he will tell us what he wants us all to be doing to each other.  And there are times he just let’s whatever happen, happen, no instructions.  Lastly, sometimes he will ask me or Kayla what we want.  

I am free to discuss any concerns I have about sex or anything else.  Such discussions are part of the purpose of our Sunday Maintenance Sessions.   It has been a long time since I shared concerns, questions, or asked Mike to clarify anything regarding sex.  Mike and I are fully “calibrated” on this topic – at least for now.   

SEX – JEN AND KAYLA
We probably have one-on-one sex with just the two of us about once a week.  Some weeks maybe a couple of times, or perhaps a full week without any times.  Just depends on schedules, what needs to be done around the house or with other errands, studying she needs to do, and of course, the all important mood.   Sometimes you just aren’t feeling it.

The most common situation for us to have sex lately is in the living room.  Chores all done, nothing to do but relax.  We are typically naked as is our house rule when J is at school.  She will cuddle up in my arms and we will watch something on t.v.   This may lead to some kissing, caressing, and before you know it — well, fingers and/or tongues are going in places.

SEX – JOHN AND DONNA
I haven’t written about them in a long time.  We still see them frequently, but perhaps a little less so.  Just busy schedules and other things always seem to be coming up.  Mike typically goes over to watch football on Sundays ((Post 69. Hot Dog…).  A few times I’ve gone with him, sometimes Kayla and not me, and sometimes neither of us.

There is still a “house” rule at John and Donna’s that Kayla and I must be topless once we enter (assuming no other guests are present).  And Donna is also topless.  There is usually some amount of “play” that goes on.  Oral sex or just plain old sex, in any combination of m/f, f/f, m/f/f, you can think of.  You just never know but it is always fun.  We haven’t had an evening out with them in many months, perhaps soon?  Neither Mike or John have had a business trip in a while and there’s been no sleep overs in awhile.    

A lot of this is due to there not being a lot of overt opportunities to get together.  I am sure the opportunities are there if we made an effort to make it happen.  But it is nice to be in this “effortless” space with them where, if it happens, it happens.  No expectations, no commitments.  Just great friends with whom we have some sexual fun with whenever the moment is ripe.  It also fits in with Mike’s demands that we slow down ((Post 146. Slow Down!).  While not intended to be aimed at John and Donna, Mike ordered that we don’t aggressively pursue more “relationships” such as via FetLife.  Our cups are full!  No need to over fill them.

Which is a great segue into my next post, because there is a new wrinkle in the “relationship” front.  While not totally unexpected, it poses some new concerns that we have to address.

NEXT: 185. Kayla’s Plus One

183. Spanking with F.O.C.U.S.

183
Did you know a good spanking can be better than coffee?   I’ll get back that.

Maybe Kayla will catch the blog bug!   I hope you enjoyed the post from Kayla.  I thanked her so much for doing that.  I know it isn’t “her thing” to want to write, but she did say she enjoyed it.  Okay, now, back to that. . . 

Well, I received my first disciplining under our new Contract. I surprised myself in that it took six days before I “misbehaved.”   Ha.  It still strikes me as funny to use that word.  Sorry if that is a normal word in your dynamic.  It will take me some time to get used to using words like “misbehave” or “disobeyed.” Heck, I remember when I didn’t want to call them spankings but wanted to call them “rewards.”  I’ll get there!   

I’ve really been doing well keeping my household schedule and keeping Mike informed.  And not just my new duties and obligations, I’ve been doing well with all my duties and obligations.  Sort of a continuation of the DD Sympatico I shared before.   But, eventually there is bound to be a slip up, and sure enough, it happened.

FUMBLING MANTRA
It was actually with the Mantra!  After many morning and evenings of getting it perfectly right, I had a bit of a mind-fart and flubbed the Morning Mantra.  I got to the last line which is supposed to be, “…through focusing on Mike’s desires…” and I said, “by being…um, by focusing…um, through being….Ug!”

These are the first words I speak each morning, so I was still in bed, barely awake, reciting this to Mike.   He got out of bed and asked me to stand up and then bend over with my elbows on the bed.  I waited as he went to find a paddle that suited him.  I was shaking my head, disappointed with myself.  Of all the things I have to do, this is the one that earns me my first spanking under our new contract? 

In less than a week my mantra’s have become very special and important to me.  I really love reciting them to Mike.  They were made even more important when Mike shared with me that he loves hearing me say them.  They are a perfect way to start and end our day.  I was heartbroken that I screwed it up.  Also, while I waited on Mike, I was wondering what he was going to, both verbally and physically.   This would be our first punishment with the new scolding guidelines and with Mike’s promise to ramp up the intensity of the discipline.

THE DISCIPLINE
Mike walked over holding one of the thicker wooden paddles that we have.  This particular one is fairly wide as well, so it covers a lot of surface area.  “Don’t stare at me, keep your eye’s down,” barked Mike.

He gave me about a dozen or so warm-ups by hand, then spanked me three times very hard in quick succession with the paddle.  

“Why are you being disciplined?” he asked as he spanked me one more time.

“Because I messed up the Mantra, Sir.”  

“Correct, and what part did you mess up,” and he struck me again.

I meekly replied, “Instead of saying ‘through focusing’ I said some other stuff.”  

“That’s right, you did,” and he spanked me one more time. 

“You know how important the Mantra is to me and to you and for us to start our days right.  Spanking you is not how I want to start the day.”   And he spanked me again, twice this time. 

“You need to stay focused when reciting the mantra, just as the line you messed up reminds you to stay focused on my desires.”  And he spanked me twice again.

“You weren’t focused on your mantra, so you weren’t focused on my desires, and that is why you are being spanked.”  He then spanked me three or four times.

I was crying by this time.  A lot!  I shared before, I fully expected I would be emotional for my first discipline under the new contract.  And it was compounded by the fact that the discipline was due to messing up the mantra. 

“What is the correct line?” and he spanked me again.

“through focusing on Mike’s desires, my only need and purpose.” 

“Correct,” and he spanked me again.

“Say the word ‘focus’ after each paddling,” he commanded.

Whack.  “Focus.”   Whack.  “Focus.”  Whack.  “Focus.”  Whack.  “Focus.”  Whack.  “Focus.”

“Now spell it out for me, one letter per spanking with a Sir on the end,” he added.

 Whack.  “F, Sir”.”   Whack.  “O, Sir”  Whack.  “C, Sir.”  Whack.  “U, Sir”  Whack.  “S, Sir.”

I was in a major full on cry and my body was shaking.  This was about 25 or so with the paddle, all very hard, and there was that intense mix of pain and shame that I just recently wrote about.

“I am going to give you a few more and then I want you to stay in that position until I tell you to get up.”   He then spanked me five or six times in quick succession.  It made me drop from my elbows and on to my side.  

“Back in position quickly or you will earn more.”  

I mustered the energy to quickly comply and I knew I would have to call Yellow if he were to continue.  He then went to the bathroom and I stayed bent over, on my elbows, bawling.  He emerged a few minutes later.  

He walked over to me and told me to stand up.  He then held me and we had our “Closing Ceremony” but with a caveat.   We were in a bit of a time crunch as he needed to get to work and I needed to clean myself up and get J up and ready for school.  He told me there was one more part of the discipline that I would have to do without him.  He asked Kayla to oversee it. 

Once I was back home from taking J to school I needed a “good mouth soaping” as he put it.  This was to remind me to be careful of the words coming from my mouth.  He said 15 minutes would do it.  He gave Kayla instructions to video the soaping so he could watch later as well as what exactly he expected regarding the soaping.  “A good lather….don’t forget to rub it on her tongue….I want to see teeth marks on the bar of soap.” 

Kayla complied, as did I.  Receiving the soaping discipline without Mike home was like a punishment by itself.  Even when it was over it didn’t feel over because there was no Closing Ceremony.  I so longed for Mike to be home so he could just hold me and tell me “All is forgiven.”  I felt very distracted all day, but was still able to get all my chores done.  On the upside, I was able to skip my morning coffee from the adrenaline and endorphin rush of the spanking and crying! 

Greeting Mike when he gets home is part of my duties and when he got home this time I jumped in his arms and hugged him so tight I almost knocked him over.  He joked, “Hey, personal foul. Roughing the Master of the House!”  I quipped in a sweet and seductive tone, “Well then, maybe you’ll just have to spank me again to calm me down.”  

He knew I was kidding.  Playful sarcasm is still part of our dynamic.  Truth is, my butt was still sore and bruised from that morning, so I am glad he took it in jest.  

NEXT: Post 184. This, That, and Sex, Sex, and more Sex

178. Embracing Shame

shame

I posted before about how Kayla’s submission is different from mine (Post 111. DD Jenny Style vs. Kayla Style).  I thought I’d revisit this as I’ve been thinking about the feelings I get versus the feelings she gets from being submissive and from being disciplined.  Writing about this then morphed into something a little different.  It led me to dive more deeply into my feelings, more specifically, my feelings of shame, and why I embrace that feeling.  Hey’s it’s been awhile since I’ve had an esoteric ramble.  Indulge me! 

Words won’t tell the complete story because words carry different meanings for each of us.  Whatever words I use will probably be taken to mean something different by some of you, and those differences may be small, or may be large.  Overall I would say Kayla’s submission has more “grit” to it than mine.  The discipline she receives is more harsh than mine.  I am tempted to use words like demeaning or humiliating but I know Kayla does not see it that way.  She likes to frame it as her finding growth, healing, and thus ultimately satisfaction, in feelings of shame and embarrassment in front of Mike.  She does not label what she feels as feelings of being demeaned or humiliated.

It made me think more deeply about the differences between humiliation and shame and led me to further embrace shame. 

HUMILIATE VS HUMBLE
Humiliation connotes disgrace or disrepute.  It infers feelings that clearly cross over from simple humility into, well, into humiliation.  But, the definition of humiliation includes “shame,” and “embarrassment.”   Hum. . . the exact words Kayla uses to define her feelings on being disciplined.

This just underscores for me that words are power and the same word can mean different things to different people.  It would be easy for me to label what she goes through as “humiliation” and while many of the feelings she gets fit that definition, she would never describe it that way.  Interesting.  And I am sure some of you would label what I go through as “humiliation” and I would never describe it that way.  Interesting indeed!

I know some of you may be like me and view humiliation as a more intense and unpleasant version of humility.  Other may see them as essentially identical, so much so you may be fine with exploring deeper and deeper senses of humiliation.   Nothing wrong with that, but that’s not me.  But, it does seem to be more to Kayla’s liking.

DEGRADE VERSUS SHAME
Clearly humiliation and shame are at least cousins, if not siblings.  They come from similar places but carry a different meaning.   And what “humiliation” is to “humbled,” I think “degrading” is to “shame.”  The definition of degrading also includes the word shame and humiliation. So again, in a lot of ways all these words are the same — but yet different.  The difference is in degrees as measured by each individual person.   To me, being degraded is like humiliation and shame on steroids.  To others, simply being made to feel shameful could be considered degrading.

One of my feelings during discipline is a feeling of shame.  Shame for my behavior and a keen awareness of my guilt.  I often think that is why discipline is so effective.   The various negative feelings anyone may have about their behavior is often locked up deep inside, behind their pride and arrogance.  Unlocking those feelings often require more than just a talk.  Domestic Discipline helps unlock those feelings.  More precisely, the shame that discipline evokes helps unlock and purge those feelings.

CRYING
Here was an interesting connection for me.  Kayla said the likelihood and degree of her crying during discipline correlates to the degree of shame and embarrassment she was feeling.  I sort of knew this, but never fully connected that.  When she said it, I immediately recognized that I feel exactly the same way!   While the actual physical pain might be part of any crying, it is more about the emotional release of the guilt through the shame.  Very much the reason I cried during the last spanking I shared.  The more shame I feel, the more likely I am to cry.

Both Kayla and I agreed that embarrassment also plays a small part in the “cry factor.”  The first ten times or so of being disciplined carried a lot of “embarrassment” factor, thus more tears.  Likely from a combination of nervousness from uncertainty along with the embarrassment from the vulnerability of being naked.  Of course, then there is the whole feeling of knowing you are going to be spanked.  There is still the occasional feeling of embarrassment when we do something particularly bad.  For me it is more likely to come with a repeated offense.

I have evolved in my submission where I feel greater absolution, greater nourishment, greater release of negative thoughts, a greater connection with Mike, a greater connection with who I want to be — all through feeling ashamed of my behavior or attitude.  I believe this is why I evolved from needing Mike to “correct me” when I failed myself, i.e., “My DD,” to needing him to do so when I fail him, i.e., “DD for me.” (Post 167. What is “Mine” versus What is “For Me”).  Further, it is why I wanted him to make lecturing or scolding me a regular part of my Discipline.  For me, it carries more shame to fail him than it does to fail myself.  Through that shame, I heal, I improve, I achieve, I love.

Any discipline I receive is a process that leads, sometimes painfully, to the point of awakening my sense of shame.  And the greater my shame, the greater the tears.  Discipline as a deterrent is not just about the unpleasantness of being spanked , it is about the even greater unpleasantness of being made to feel ashamed of my actions.

NUDITY
Thought I’d comment on this since I mentioned it as part of the “embarrassment” factor.  It goes beyond just embarrassment.  Heck, my husband has seen me naked countless times.  It is not about shame regarding my body.  Far from it.  It is about vulnerability.  We are naturally more humbled when we feel vulnerable, thus it feeds into the feeling of humbleness (or humiliation if you prefer).

Oh – nudity, at least being bare-bottom at a minimum, also serves a functional purpose in discipline.  It is wise for the Dom to be able to see the results of what they are doing so as not to inflict unintended injury.

LECTURING
In the past, Mike did not lecture or scold me during Discipline.  Sometimes he would say something briefly about what I did, but it didn’t amount to scolding.  I wanted to add this to our dynamic and Mike readily agreed.  While I have yet to experience it, I am more afraid of my first lecture than I am of my next spanking.   It makes my stomach turn to knots and I can almost cry just thinking about it.

I can imagine his lecturing will make it painfully clear (as in emotionally painful) that I let myself and him down.  That he must take and is willing to take this drastic action because he loves me and knows it is for my own good.  I know he prefers not to spank me, but his greatest preference is to not encourage my misbehavior.  He has that preference because he loves me and he knows it is also my preference.  Just thinking about all of this makes me want to cry – and then you add the physical discipline to it.   Yikes!

DISCIPLINE CEREMONY
I thought it would be helpful to add this.  I think having a Discipline Ceremony also feeds into my sense of shame.  You can read about our Ceremony in our Contract.  Having to remain silent, having to collect the implement, having to stand in the corner, having to assume whatever position he asks,  or whatever else is expected of me during the Discipline — all have a humbling, thus shameful impact on me.

Shame from the Ceremony.   Shame from Nudity.  Shame from Physical Discipline.  I am accustomed to those.  Now, we have Shame from Lecturing.  I talked with Mike and forewarned him I may cry like never before the first time I have to be Disciplined under our newest agreement.   I don’t want him to be caught off guard by it or misinterpret it.

I embrace shame.  I embrace it as my healer, as my absolution, as my willingness to submit to Mike.

NEXT: 179. Kayla’s Social Life

177. My Final Spanking

177

Click bait!  Okay, not my final as in “forever”, but I did earn my final spanking under our “2.0” Contract.  

MY “FINAL” SPANKING
Mike and I were standing in the bathroom getting ready for bed, Mike mentioned he would like me to do a better job of cleaning the sink regarding some build-up around the drain.  He said it nicely with a matter-of-fact tone.  I was brushing my teeth but managed a quick head nod and an “Okay.” He corrected me, “What?”  I quickly responded back with toothpaste filled mouth mumble, “Yes, Sir, I will clean it better.”  I went back to brushing my teeth and after I spit out the toothpaste I blurted, “Am I going to be spanked for that?”

 “Sub fail” on many levels.

  • I already failed to call him “Sir.”  No need to possibly compound things.
  • Although I meant it as a real question, my tone was a bit snarky.
  •  I am not allowed to question whether or not I am going to be punished.

Mike reminded me that he was not required to explain or clarify, but he said he would “for my sake.”  He said the sink cleaning was intended as a “request for next time” and not meant as a failure to perform my duties.  Further, he felt the “Sir” slip was minor, as it was in a very casual moment with my mouth full.  He was going to let that pass.   However, he could not let my questioning pass.

He told me to bend over and he pulled down my pajamas.  I wasn’t nude because I planned to check on some things around the house before getting into bed and I typically don’t walk around naked if J is home.  After a few warm ups by hand, he took the hairbrush from the drawer and gave me 15 on one cheek, then 15 on the  other – using a greater than normal force.  It was enough to make me bite my lip and immediately rub my behind once he asked me to stand.   He then said, “Not enough.  Go get my belt and lay down on the bed on your stomach and I’ll be there in a minute.”

As part of our normal ritual for such occurrences, I placed the belt across my bottom as I laid waiting on the bed. When he walked up next to me he quickly grabbed the belt and in one quick motion gave me a three hard back-to-back-to-back whacks.

Mike then told me to count off after each one, up to 15.  He continued to use a lot of force.  At one point, about six or seven in, he paused for just a moment and when he resumed, I messed up the count.  Mike started over at one.  Suffice to say my butt reflected the fact that the strikes with both the hairbrush and belt were very hard.

He told me to stand in the corner and he put clothes pins on my nipples.  He said he would finish getting ready for bed.  It was probably less than 10 minutes when he returned.  He sat in a chair, called me over, removed the clothes pins, and had me bend over his knee.  He gave me about 20 more by hand.   

I was crying a little bit.  As usual, any crying has as much to do with remorse as it does with discomfort, but this one was maybe 60-40 with the pain beating out the remorse.  Ouchy!  Anyway, it was then on to After Care and that was that – except for a sore butt from awhile.    

In case you were wondering, Kayla was there during this, going about her nighttime routine.  When one of us is being disciplined, the other simply goes about whatever they were doing.  Unless instructed otherwise by Mike, we don’t make it a point to stay away, but we don’t make it a point to watch.

And that was my last spanking under our 2015-2017 Contract!

NEXT:  178.  Embracing Shame