266. Domestic Discipline Throwback: A Spanking two-fer

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It’s been about two months since I shared a spanking story  Not because I haven’t been spanked over that time, but there haven’t been many, and none that notable or different from other spankings I get. Our recent refocusing changed that.   So here are TWO spanking stories for you.

WE INTERRUPT THIS SPANKING STORY
Before I get into that, just a quick note on my blogging.  I am behind on sharing stuff and sometimes when I get behind, I just skip over things and blog about more recent stuff, forever skipping the stuff I was behind on.  I’ve been trying not to do that.  I found I start to forget whether or not I shared certain experiences.  I’ll start to reference something and then be like, “did I ever actually share that in the first place?”  I then go back looking for it and sometimes I find that I did, and sometimes I find that did not.

Anyway, I don’t want to have to do that so am trying to just cover all the things I feel are worth sharing.  I am about a week behind on stuff.   For instance, this weekend Mike is on a business trip, and Matt is spending the weekend with me at my house.  But I don’t want to blog about that until I get you caught up on a few other things.

ZERO TOLERANCE
When Mike and I discussed our drifting from our normal D/s routine, he acknowledged he had been giving me more and more warnings over actual punishments.  The result of our conversation was that he was adopting a “zero tolerance” regarding any failures in my Duties and Obligations.   He doesn’t intend to stay at “zero tolerance,” but, Mike felt it would be easier to adopt a “no warnings” mindset to get us out of our “drift.”   It didn’t take long before it was clear to me that indeed, there would be no warnings, regardless how minor the indiscretion.

Also, for some context, Kayla and I have a 10:30 p.m. bedtime and we often go to bed before Mike.  Sometimes he might send one of us to bed and one of us gets to stay up later with him, or sometimes we both get to stay up late or neither of us do.  By the way, if we do go to sleep before him, he may wake us for sex when he does come to bed.   Oh, and of course, we sleep naked.   Okay, enough of our bedtime routine.

Oh – a bit more context –  Kayla and I have a many household chores we must do.  We typically “divide and conquer” where we will split up the work.

I had just fallen asleep and was awaken to the covers being pulled off me and one hard smack to my butt.  Then I hear Mike, “Get up Jen, someone is getting a spanking.”   I managed a groggy “Yes, Sir,” unsure exactly why but alert enough to know not to delay in obeying him.

I stood up and then he asked, “Who swept the floors after dinner, you or Kayla?”   

I know I didn’t forget to sweep the floors, so what was this about?   In my half-awake state I was fortunate to still know enough to answer him clearly, without it sounding like a question.  “It was me, Sir.”

“Both of you need to make sure all the cleaning is done after dinner.  If something is missed, both of you will be punished, and to make that point clear, Kayla, you need to get out of bed and get over here.”

Kayla got up.  Mike directed me to bend over and put my hands on the bed.  He directed Kayla to come over next to him, such that Mike was to one side of me and Kayla the other.   “Kayla, you are going to watch this so that you remember that both of you need to share in the cleaning duties and both of you will share in the consequences.”

It’s been awhile since Kayla watched me get a good discipline spanking.  I don’t mind it, it’s just that it has been awhile so it felt it a bit different.  Mike already had a paddle in his hand.  He gave me a dozen or so warm ups by hand, and then came the paddle.  Ten, then another ten a bit harder, then another ten harder than the last.

In a matter of moments I went from that surreal place between sleep and wake, to the adrenaline rush of having my ass lit up.   Mike told me to get up and then told Kayla to take my place.   Mike then spanked her as he did me.

He then instructed Kayla to stand in the corner until we returned.  He then brought me out to the kitchen and showed me that I indeed did clean the floor, but, I left the dustpan out.  I had put it down on a chair and forgot it.   Wow, Mike was serious about this zero tolerance.  I put it away and we walked back to the bedroom.  He called Kayla over and we hugged and did our Closing Ceremony.  “All is forgiven.”

Normally Mike and I don’t mix sex with discipline – meaning we don’t have sex at the conclusion of a discipline session  (Mike and Kayla often do though).  But, that night I was thankful that we all ended up having sex.  I needed the relaxation of an orgasm to help get back to sleep.  Spankings can be such an adrenaline rush. 

SPANKING #2 – REMINDER SPANKINGS
I get a quick spanking anytime I leave the house – as a reminder to remain submissive in my thinking even when not home.  I was running a little late for a lunch date with a friend.  I wasn’t going to be late if I left promptly.   I went to Mike and asked for my reminder spanking.  He said he would be there in a minute.

Mike came to the room a few minutes later – much longer than I was anticipating.  I knew better than to complain or rush him, but my attitude was clearly that of, “Come on, Mike, get on with it, I’ve got to get going.”   Mike asked me, “What’s the rush?”

That was my out.  I could have recognized I was putting off an “annoyed” vibe and apologized for it.  Instead, I complained.  “I don’t want to be late, and this doesn’t have to take so long.”

Mike said, “It takes as long as I want it to take.  This spanking is going to be double.  One set as your reminder for when you are out of the house.  The other set for your reminder that when it is time for a reminder spanking, you won’t be annoyed or try to rush me.”

He took me into our bathroom as J was home and it is furthest away from the rest of the home such that noise shouldn’t be an issue.  I was already dressed to go.  I expected Mike to just have me remove my panties and bend over, as that is usual for a reminder.  But instead, he told me to completely disrobe.

Once naked, he then had me open my mouth.  He took a bar of soap, ran some water over it, and told me to stick out my tongue.  Yes, a mouth soaping.  After lathering up my tongue, I had to hold the soap bar in my mouth.  Mike then had me bend over and he gave me several warm ups, then 10 very hard ones with a thin paddle, 5 on each cheek.  Then 10 very hard ones with a wider paddle, again, 5 on each cheek.  Not satisfied with the result, he then gave me three more on each cheek, full force.  He inspected my ass, and then gave me one on each cheek, again full force.

This was not just a reminder spanking, it was a disciplinary punishment, no doubt about it.  And with all mouth soapings, when it was done, I got on my knees and Mike peed into my mouth.  I stood and swished and spit into the sink, then got back on my knees and repeated until Mike did not have to go any more.  I was then allowed to rinse with some water.   Mike hugged me, “All is forgiven.”

I got dressed.  “By the way, Jen, I don’t want you to wear panties on your lunch date.”

I removed my panties, and with one additional instruction, that I will share later, I happily left for my lunch date with my friend, albeit a bit late.    What was that instruction and who was I having lunch with?   Next post!

NEXT:  Free to Be: Seeking Domestic Discipline

265. Joy without submission?

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The post before last I posed a question about why Mike was more in tuned than I was regarding our little bit of “drifting” from our regular DD routines.   I ask it because I find it curious.  I am not troubled by it.  In fact, I think the fact Mike noticed it before me is a milestone in our DD.  Up until then, I was the one either asking for more discipline or lamenting over something feeling “off.”   It’s great that Mike noticed it and was willing to say something – albeit a bit vaguely.

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken a philosophical self-analyzing trip into my DD journey.  So now is a good time to do that.   

THEN WHY SO JOYFUL?
It was odd that Mike noticed it first, but it was more odd that I wasn’t anywhere near sensing it.  My level of fulfillment and joy over the last several months has been sky high!  Does that mean I would prefer a softening of our DD and that I am not getting as much joy from it as I once was?  

Oh, and before I answer that.  I would not be bothered by either a yes or no answer.  Certainly, a “yes” would pose a challenge in that we would have to work to reconcile the different needs, but I am confident we could do so if needed.  It isn’t realistic to assume needs will never change, and we are committed to finding equitable solutions to any differences we face, kink or otherwise.   

HOWEVER, my needs haven’t changed, nor has Mike’s.  So, YES, I still want the level of D/s we attained before we drifted a bit.  Perhaps I am not yearning as much for it, but I not only enjoy it, I know I need it – emotionally and as part of being the wife, mother, and person that I want to be.   It is actually a good thing that I can find contentment in other aspects of my life.  It isn’t either I have D/s or I shrivel up and die.

Fulfillment has many facets, and being submissive is an important one, but not the only one.  I am sure there are times where I need to be more in my submissive headspace than other times.  Just like there may be times Mike needs to feel his dominance more than other times.  So why wasn’t I needing it as much lately?  Where has my fulfillment been coming from?

There are many joys in my life that transcend submission.

FAMILY!
I won’t re-hash all the great developments with my kids, but suffice to say, it is hard to not feel fulfilled when your kids appear to be happy.   Okay, I won’t re-hash them in detail, but here’s a summary as I can’t resist showing some pride in my kids! 

T1 bought a house, and is getting married to a great woman who I adore.  T2 graduating college, finding a great job, and growing into full adulthood.  J, who has exceeded all the expectations we had for him just a few years ago.  His growth and development despite his disability has been amazing.   

And then there is Kayla – I love her and she loves me.  I am so happy for her and all she adds to my marriage and my family.  And most importantly, she is happy.   Being out in the open about her has also been a great emotional booster for all of us.  

And there’s more – extended family!  A great relationship with my sisters, with whom I can be open and honest in sharing my life choices.  And re Kayla – my parents, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles — while not everyone is as accepting as I would like, it is still liberating to be open with it.   And their (well, some of them) willingness to give naturism a try further shows their openness and acceptance of my family.

FRIENDSHIPS AND FINANCES
And even more…
friendships!   A close friendship with John and Donna, our “unique” relationship with Matt, and a great group of pals in my “lunch bunch” friends.  I also think the relationship with Matt has been invigorating.  We are over the “honeymoon” phase of it so it has lost a bit of its mystique, but, I know I got an emotional boost from it all.  I still do, just not what it was when it was all new. 

And beyond the emotional fulfillment, Mike’s work has been going well, so finances haven’t been an area of stress.  And with T2 done with college — the finances look even better.  We can finally start ramping up funding our retirement and making sure J can be supported for his lifetime.

NUDISM
I have to give nudism some credit as well.  It really has had an amazing positive psychological impact on me and my family.  It has boosted everyone’s self-confidence, not that it was particularly lacking.  It also tightens the already strong emotional bond we share.   Can’t explain it – it just does.    Perhaps adopting nudism is the ultimate in “vulnerability.”  And if you read my countless posts about vulnerability, you’ll know all the positive results that come with allowing yourself to be vulnerable.   

SUBMISSION
And it isn’t like we took a hiatus from our DD.  I have remained very submissive throughout my daily activities and have had the occasional punishment.    Our “drift” was very subtle.  So my need for submission was still being fed, just perhaps a little bit smaller helpings.  

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT MY DD
Yes, I admit it.  Not every ounce of my joy and fulfillment comes from feeding my submissive mindset.  That’s a good thing.  My identity as a submissive defines my relationship with my husband, a relationship that is the largest contributor to my fulfillment – but not the only contributor.

I think sometimes when joy is lacking in one facet of life, you subconsciously try to make up for it somewhere else.  Perhaps that is why I sort of took my eye off of my DD.  I didn’t notice we had backed off a little because I am getting so much fulfillment elsewhere.  My submissive-mindset-fulfillment-meter could actually dip a bit and I didn’t notice it.  That’s okay.  Our needs are not a constant.

And to Mike’s credit, it isn’t like he wasn’t feeling fulfilled by our kids and aspects of life beyond just the two of us.  He recognized he also feels great about all of those things I have mentioned.  I think the difference is every day he was being the Dom that Kayla needed, giving him a point of reference for our D/s.  That vantage point allowed him to sense the widening gap between the fulfillment he was getting as her Dom versus the fulfillment he was getting as mine.  So he said something – and I am glad he did.

The result was the tweaks and refocusing that I shared on one of my previous posts.  You do know what that means, don’t you?  More opportunities to be disciplined.   And that is not just theoretical, but a fact.  Yes, there has been an increase in discipline. Hmm…maybe there is a spanking story coming up?

Next: 266. Domestic Discipline Throwback: A Spanking two-fer

264. Won’t you be my (nude) neighbor?

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A few posts back I mentioned Mike tasked me with talking to some of our neighbors to basically get their permission to allow us to be naked in our backyard.  Asking their permission seems to be the neighborly thing to do.

BREAKING THE LAW!?
Surprise!  In my state, Texas, there are no state laws prohibiting women from being topless.  However, if you are causing a disturbance you risk a charge of disorderly conduct or even public lewdness or indecent exposure.

In the context of our nudity, such charges are rare and often end up being thrown out (not that I want to go through the stress of being charged).  Typically these charges are dismissed as codes specifically refer to “sexual acts.”  Nakedness, by itself, is not defined as sexual.  Interesting that the law gets it, but general society doesn’t!  

However, the codes do refer to nakedness in regards to genitals.  Some codes prohibit exposing “genitalia.”  The good news there is breasts aren’t genitals.  How nice that our laws recognize that breasts are not sexual organs!   But, there is some risk of charges if you are naked “down there.”  Where charges tend to get made and tend to stick is when there was clear sexual intent, gratification, arousal, etc., going on.  That is not the context for our nudity.  

There are some cities in Texas that have codes that explicitly allow women to be topless — anywhere in the city!   In most cities it isn’t explicitly allowed, it just isn’t explicitly prohibited.  Breastfeeding, nude sunbathing, or public urination have been held up in courts as NOT constituting indecent exposure.  And most jurisdictions are not aggressive in trying to broadly interpret the codes as such interpretations typically fail in court.  Basically, if no one complains, no action is taken.  

The lack of aggression in trying to inforce the “nudity” statutes may also come from the fact not too many people try to push the boundaries.  Despite nothing prohibiting it, I haven’t seen or heard of anyone walking topless in public  (now Mike, don’t get any ideas!).  

Ultimately, most of the prohibition is focused on whether or not the naked person was reckless in failing to consider whether or not someone who is present will be offended or alarmed – thus, asking the neighbors is not just neighborly, it is legally prudent.

Simply put, if no one complains, nothing happens.  If someone complains, it is unlikely anything will happen.  In the rare cases you are charged, it often gets thrown out.  But, because some of these codes fall under “sex crimes,” it is very intimidating to want to try and test the waters as to what the codes permit.  And because the legality is often left up to whether or not someone was “offended or alarmed,” well, you can see why it can be risky.  

Despite this, my security-conscious private-person-of-a-husband, Mike, feels confident in our moving forward with this.  He is as taken to nudism as I am and feels strongly that we should be comfortable mowing our yard naked, sitting on our patio naked, or walking to and from our shed naked.  No one can really see us from our patio except maybe our heads – unless they go out of there way to peer over the fence.  And where our bodies can be seen, we typically will be moving thus any glimpses will be fleeting — and mostly from the mid-belly upwards — again, unless someone goes out of there way to peer over the fence.

MINI-RANT
There’s this line I’ve heard that goes something like, “Our sexuality is taken from us, commercialized, then sold back to us at a price.”  A comment that society demonizes our sexuality (especially women), then packages it and sells it to us at a price. In other words, it is only accepted if someone else can profit from it.   
Want to fill our kids with images of sexual suggestiveness, even combine it with violence?   Sure thing, every single day, no problem!  Allow anyone to see a naked body in a non sexual way?  No way, never, what’s wrong with you?!? Oh, I can go on a major rant.  But I won’t.   Check out www.freethenipple.com.

On to see the neighbors. . . 

NEIGHBOR #1
They live next door.  A couple about my age, soon-to-be-empty-nesters with just one child at home – she is 18, just graduated high school and will be attending school away from home in the fall.  Four other kids ranging from age 20-25, and some of them drop in frequently.

They have several different vantage points into our yard, but each one only provides a limited view.  They would have to stand in the middle of their yard in order to get the best view.  

I talk to the wife quite a bit, typically a short hello as we pull in or out of our driveways, but occasionally more meaningful dialogue.  I feel good about talking to her about this.  She immigrated from Spain, she is an artist, and just has this vibe where I sensed she was going to be fine with this.   She was.  

She shared she had been to nudist beaches and resorts in Europe when she was younger.  Her and her husband even took their two eldest kids back when they were little.  It was never thought of as a “trip to the nudist beach,” it was simply, “going to the beach.”   They stopped going simply because they moved and it wasn’t convenient to seek out a nude beach and the nudism wasn’t something they felt compelled to pursue.  And she didn’t even think of their nudity in the home as being “nudism.”  It was simply, “not being dressed yet.”

She shared that they last went to a nude beach about six years ago when their eldest daughter was looking at colleges.  They stayed in San Diego and went to a beach that had a nude section.  They were intrigued, so the whole lot of them went to the “nude section” and all got naked.  At that time the kids ranged from about 11 to 18.

Yep – her family doesn’t have any issues with nudity.  Oh – and it just so happens, San Diego is where T2 moved, so, humm…perhaps if we visit him we need to find that beach!

She assured me she was fine with us being naked in our own back yard, that her husband would concur, and her daughter would be fine.  Her only concern was that she asked me to be open to any requests for us to be clothed in the event they were expecting guests who may be “offended or alarmed.”   Of course!

That was easy!

NEIGHBOR #2.
She lives directly behind us.  I don’t know her very well.  She is in her late 50’s, retired high school teacher.  She is divorced, lives alone, and has two older daughters, each with a child under two.  Both daughters visit frequently with their kids and spouses (one is married to a man, the other to a woman).  

Her view into our yard is basically from about the shoulders up, except for one area where she could see from about the belly button on up.

She was surprised — “Like, naked naked. As in, no clothes at all naked?”   Yep, that’s the kind of naked I was talking about.   But she also appeared comfortable.

She then joked, “What’s in our water?  Do you know my next-door-neighbors are nudists?”

Yep, her neighbor, who is diagonal to my backyard, are nudists.  They have a little higher fence then everyone else… perhaps 8 foot instead of 6.  They also have one side of their yard with this dark black mesh extending above the fence about another two feet.  I assumed it was to block the sun, but apparently, it also serves to block the view.  They also have a large shed and tree in the corner adjacent to my yard, so views to and from that yard into mine are zero – but I hear kids in their swimming pool all the time.

She says she knows the family very well and has no qualms about what they do.  She said she can’t see a thing from her house so she wouldn’t even know when and if they are naked.

Wow!.  I was ready to pinch myself.  2 for 2!  How can I be so fortunate?  This was too easy!  HOWEVER. . . .

NOT THAT!
She asked me so, “So, we are talking about just you and your husband?”

I shared that J may be out at times and might be nude, and that we have friends and family members, young and old, who are nudists.  It’s rare that we hang out in the backyard when they are over, but, it is always possible.

And then — I explained who Kayla was – after all, we aren’t hiding her relationship.

My revelation seem to shake her a bit, and she started back-peddling on her comfort level with our nudism.  It was if my poly situation suddenly made my nudism something shameful.  While news of my inferred-bisexuality may have been news to her, she has a gay daughter, so I assumed that wasn’t the issue.  It was simply the thought of having this “open” marriage and “What about J?”

It prompted many questions – similar to those I posted about here.  The difference is that instead of answering those questions from my sisters or other people who were a bit more connected to me, this neighbor is not much more than stranger.  Even though they were the same questions, they felt a lot more “judgey.”

The discussion was very civil, but I did feel judged.  But in the end, I felt good about it.  She was very nice and while my news shook her a bit, seemed to shrug it off with, “whatever floats your boat.”  I was proud I didn’t hesitate to share who Kayla was and what she meant to Mike and I.  It isn’t something to be shameful of.  And I felt good that ultimately, she accepted it, albeit after some discussion.

Not that I needed her acceptance, but, don’t we all feel better when others accept us, regardless who they are?   I think I just needed to convince her my request that day wasn’t about asking to host orgies in my backyard.  And odd she didn’t need that convincing until I brought up Kayla.

NUDISM AND KINK
My convo with Neighbor 2 hit on something I have been becoming increasingly sensitive to.  Yes, you can describe my DD, D/s, and poly as kinky – I accept they are all unusual aspects of my life.  And I accept that nudism is also unusual. 

It is also unusual to have a special needs child.  It it unusual to have a husband who can work a lot from home.  It is unusual that I’ve been able to be a stay-at-home mom for around 20-years.  It is unusual that T1 is not my biological son.

Just because there is something that is “not the norm” about a given aspect of my life, doesn’t mean that it should serve, by itself, as a value-statement or that it is automatically connected to some other aspect of my life.   

My “kink” is no more related to my nudism than it is related to many other aspects of my life.  E would have come into my son’s life without my kink, and we would have been introduced to her lifestyle.  I believe we would have embraced it, even if we were still “vanilla.”  I will concede that, because of DD, our relationship and mindset is more open to at least considering avant-garde ideas, but nudism?  We would have tried it even if we were still vanilla – and I know we would have loved it just the same. 

NOT A GOOD NUDIST ADVOCATE
The issue I have tried to be sensitive to, and that my neighbor reinforced, is that I think I do the idea of nudism a disservice when I write about it.  My blog is not just “a day in the life” of Jennifer.  It is a blog about Domestic Discipline and my relationship with Kayla, and all the other various unusual things (aka kinks) I experience. 

It has crossed my mind that my writing about nudism could feed into the false notion that nudism is connected to something sexual, naughty, or forbidden.   It is none of those things.

I feel bad knowing so many people connect nudity with lust, shame, and a host of nothing but negative or “sinful” feelings.  There was a time I felt all those as well – and I cherish the fact I don’t any longer, and that I am surrounded by people who don’t feel that way either.  But sharing things (kink) that others would also label as lust, shame, and a host of other negative or “sinful” feelings ends up connecting the two.  

Because I do thing you may not approve – fine, judge me on those things.
Because I may do things you may not approve of while wearing sneakers – fine, judge me on those things and don’t judge my sneakers.
Because I may do things you may not approve of while naked – fine, judge me on those thing and do not judge my nakedness.

Of course, people won’t care about my sneakers as they have no conditioning to connect my sneakers with judgmental, “oh, you are one of those” type thoughts (although I do know some people who are pretty passionate about Nike’s).   Also, I don’t value my sneakers enough for to me to care if people think ill of them.  But nudism?  Many people will care, and I value my families’ embrace of nudism  – so I do care if people think ill of it.

THE NUDE NORMAL
The good news — my neighbors!  I am grateful my neighbors do not think ill of it.  And thus, our nakedness in our backyard begins!

As for me writing about it, well, we will just have to see.   I’d love to write about it in a way that shows how beneficial and normal it is, but a “kink” blog is not a good place to normalize anything, except kink!

Speaking of “normal” — Kink is waaaay more normal than people want to admit.
DD, D/s, poly, swinging, or whatever else you want to label as being part of my life — my writing doesn’t normalize it in terms of getting people to think about doing it…it’s been thought of since the dawn of mankind.   What I hope it does is hopefully normalize it in terms of people being willing to admit what they already do or admit that they want to do it.  In other words, it removes the shame and other negative stigma’s and replaces them with happiness, joy, fulfillment, contentment, and so on.

The fact you found my blog and are reading it tells me you have some level of interest, even if you don’t partake!  And you are “normal” either way.

Next: 265. Joy without submission?

263. Returning to Dominant Headspace: He wants me to do what?

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As per my prior post Mike told me that he would like to be more Dominant.  Ah!  A time to rejoice!  I have thrived in being submissive and have typically had to “pull the Dominant out of him.”  So, Yes!  He is finally expressing he wants more!  Yes, yes, yes! 

NO!
As I stated before.  I feel we have achieved the right balance of D/s that works for me.  From my perspective, there is equity in our D/s.   But, equity is about the relationship as a whole, not just any one person. Mike feels he needs more of something (my submission), and I don’t – there is a lack of equity. 

THE DOM CARD
Mike just says it, therefore it must be.  I am his submissive, yes?  True, if Mike asks me to do “x,” I almost certainly will comply.  BUT — our Agreement doesn’t actually say that he can just decree things and make them so.   It kind of goes like this . . .

IF IT PLEASES THE COURT 
JEN:  Your honor, in our Agreement, Mike commits to always treating me in the manner that I want to be treated.  While I commit to surrendering myself to him, no where does our agreement define that surrender to mean doing everything he demands.  Further, while I have to be, and want to be, Obedient, we do not define Obedience as doing anything he asks, except specifically in the Sexual Obedience clause.  In-so-much Mike is not asking for more Sexual Obedience, I therefore am not obligated to simply agree with greater levels of submission.   

MIKE:  Your honor,  our Agreement states that “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline,”  Any new rules, act of service, or restriction I place on Jennifer is all part of her code of conduct, call it, a “code of behavior.”  Codes of behavior are collectively referred to as Discipline.  She must accept any and all codes of behavior, aka Discipline, that I prescribe.  Further, the Agreement calls for her to do so “promptly and without hesitation.”  Frankly, your honor, I don’t know why we are even here.  I rest my case.     

JEN:  I object, your honor.  That statement is incomplete.  The full statement is “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline as a consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience.   In our agreement, Discipline is not a code of behavior.  Discipline is clearly defined as a “consequence.”  And further, not following a rule, not performing an act of service, or not adhering to a restriction that is explicitly spelled out in the Agreement are all precursors to a consequence.  In other words, a precursor to Discipline.  The rule, the act of service, or the restriction does NOT, by itself, constitute “discipline” in our Agreement.  It is clear our Agreement defines Discipline as a consequence, nothing more.

And yes, Promptness is a part of our Obedience clause.  In it, I agree that I must do what Mike tells me without hesitation.  However, your honor, this wording clearly is in reference to a specific instruction that requires immediate action.  As such, this clause can not apply to any requirement or new set of expectations for which I am unable to immediately act on.   If Mike tells me to do “x,” I must promptly do it.  If Mike tells me from now on I must do “x” every day, the fact that I can not promptly fulfill that requirement means promptness is not possible.  If it is not possible, then the Promptness clause can not be applied.   

Therefore, any new rules, acts of service, or restrictions he wishes to place on me do not constitute Discipline under our agreement, and are not subject to the Promptness clause. Nowhere am I required to do things that are not part of my Duties and Obligations.  The only way to add new rules, acts of service, or restrictions is to modify said Duties and Obligations, which can be done either at Renegotiation, or as agreed upon by BOTH parties.  Our Agreement is clear.  Mike can not unilaterally add a new rule, act of service, or restriction without my consent.        

THE JUDGES:   Unlike last time, this time we had to call upon ASSO, which we all know as the Domestic Discipline Assembly on Obedience, committee chair Anita Hardick presiding. (Yes, women are represented in the DDA).

The committee voted 5-2 in my favor.  However, it was in their opinion that my snarkiness and attempts to be cute in my calling upon ASSO to arbitrate displayed an overall tone that was contrary to Section 1.1 of my Obedience clause.  Since that clause leaves it up to Mike to interpret my actions as being “rude, dismissive, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to him,” ASSO did not mandate discipline, but they suggested that Mike strongly consider that clause and act accordingly.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
That is what really happened.  Really!  What, you’ve never called on ASSO from the DDA?  Not buying it?  Okay, well, then maybe it went more like this. . .  

MY OPENING REMARK
Mike asked me for my ideas on being more submissive to him.  Speaking first is always a risk, as it often comes with a lot of assumptions about intent.  I’ve learned to always assume a loving intention, especially from Mike.  So clearly, I said something like, “Sir, I have ideas as there are always deeper ways to go with our D/s, but I an concerned my ideas may miss the mark unless I understand more about what you are looking for. I am happy to share them, but my answer may be more valuable to you if  I knew more about what you are feeling and looking for.  

Yes, that would have been a good opening remark.  But. . . instead, I was under the assumption he wanted to add a bunch of new requirements.  In my remarks I was quick to point out that eight months ago we took a lot of time to focus on defining our needs and desires and codifying them in our new Contract.   And we added quite a bit of new requirements for me, which I listed (Here’s some of them, oh, and more are listed on this post).   Those things represent a lot more Dominance on his part.  And now he wants more?

HYPOCRITE? 
I wrote in my last post that a negotiation isn’t about “chips.”  It isn’t, “Look what I did here, and here, and here.  And I’ll concede this chip if you concede that one.”  No, that type of negotiation is about Equality or Sameness — a successful relationship isn’t about those things.  It is about Equity and Fairness.

Well, poop!  I am human.  There is a tendancy to look for any perceived inequalities and then try to use them as a defense for our position (…”but Hillary’s emails!” I digress).   In addition, I was feeling vulnerable.  I took his request as a threat to what we had worked so hard to achieve.  I was comfortable with the status-quo, so suggesting we change it further triggered my defensive response.

BUT – I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT (more precisely, credit to what 3+ years of DD has taught me).  As soon as the words left my mouth I caught myself.  I jokingly told Mike, “Strike that, I want it redacted from the record and I want the jury to be instructed not to consider what I just said.”  Hee-hee.  Humor always helps when you stick your foot in your mouth.  

I said to Mike that none of those things I just stated had any bearing on what he was asking me.  I apologized for bringing them up.  He has always been willing to hear me when I expressed a need for more submission and I want to hear him at this moment.  It isn’t about what we already do for each other, it is about what he is telling me he needs right now.  “And it is difficult for me to recommend more rules or acts of submission when I am unclear on what you are needing.  Can we talk about that first?”   

So we did.

HE WANTS ME TO DO WHAT?
This will probably be disappointing to you.  After all this build up and delay in sharing – what is it that he wanted?    Well, my imagination was running wild when he asked me to suggest some additional submissive acts I could perform.   But when we finally got to talk about it, it was a bit anti-climatic.

His answer to my question regarding what he felt he was needing? … “Um, er., well, I am not really sure.”   Yep.  I thought he would have a list of things he wanted.  He did not.

It is a bit unfair that Mike couldn’t fully articulate what he wanted.  Remember, achieving equity requires knowing what you want.   But sometimes we just need to get it out there to our partners, even if we aren’t quite sure what that “it” is.   At least it got some dialogue rolling.   It took a little time, but we did get to the bottom of it.

RETURNING TO DOMINANT HEADSPACE
Simply put, much like Post 204. Returning to Submissive Head Space, Mike was needing his own “Returning to Dominant Headspace.”    Here is what concluded: 

  • Mike’s statement that he “wanted more Dominance” was the best way he was able to articulate what he was feeling at the time.  After an honest and open discussion he realized that wanting more Dominance didn’t actually mean more Duties and Obligations (at least not for now).  It was more about being consistent in enforcing what we already agreed upon. 
  • Both of us pointed to situations where he was giving more warnings and less spankings.  I hadn’t really noticed, but the more we talked, the more both of us came up with examples.  We also realized there were things I was failing to do that he wasn’t always aware of – I just forgot to tell him because we haven’t been enforcing it, thus I thought it wasn’t important anymore.
  • We decided to pull out the Agreement and go through it, and identify areas where we lost focus.  When we were done, we had a good list of “new” Duties and Obligations that he felt would satisfy what he was looking for.  In addition, they satisfied my submissive needs as well.  Very equitable!  And these things weren’t really new. 

This led us to reflect on what caused us to drift and why did he notice the drift before I did?  This reflection wasn’t to assess blame, but to explore our feelings as it is curious why he sensed a need to increase his Dominance (back to where it once was) and I didn’t sense it had decreased?   Could it be that I actually would like a little less submission?  The short answer is no – but as I rarely give short answers, I will explore that on another post. 

By the end of the Maintenance Session, we agreed we will be paying closer attention to:

  • Respectful Tone and Acknowledgement  
    As referenced by the ASSO ruling, we both agreed my tendency for sarcasm and humor, which he loves and appreciates, was, at times, getting too close or actually crossing the line of respect. 
  • Sexual Obedience
    Mike shared that there is more he wants from me regarding the sex I have with Matt.  I am to be let Matt know that I am willing to do anything Matt asks, with Mike’s permission.  Further,I am to be “on call” for sex with Matt anytime Matt wants it.  Matt just needs to ask Mike and if Mike agrees, they will arrange him to come over or for me to go to his place. 
  • Household Duties
    Mike will be more strict in my compliance – rare warnings, more discipline – as we both cited several examples where he had been more lax over the last several months. 
  • Availability and Awareness / Permission
    I am supposed to let Mike know anytime I leave the house for something that I did not already put on the schedule and get his permission/approval for my schedule.  This is an area I have been lax in reporting to him and he lax in disciplining me.  
  • Leaving Home Reminders
    This is something we did for awhile but stopped doing for no particular reason – just fell out of the habit.  I get a spanking anytime I leave the house, with or without Mike.  And if practical and he is not home, Kayla will spank me, and if she is unable, I will self-spank.  
  • Weigh-in
    This was a simple one but a good example of how we let things slip.  My Maintenance Sessions always included a weigh-in and somewhere down the line we stopped this.  
  • Gracefullness
    I agreed to Walk Gracefully, Sit Down Smoothly, and assume a Pretty Sitting Posture, so much so that I took etiquette classes and even had a private tutor to help me with this.  While I admit I am more graceful in how I carry myself (yes, people have noticed), neither Mike or I have been paying attention lately.
  • Attire
    Mike has always been able to demand that I do not wear a bra or panties when I go out.  Something he rarely asks of me.  He has now decided to make this the default – no bra or panties – unless I have received permission to the contrary.  This is consistent with how he has dealt with Kayla’s dress code.  He did concede that he recognizes the challenges of my being bra-less — significantly larger and saggy boobs vs Kayla — but none-the-less, he wants me to ask for permission before donning a bra.  I anticipate plenty of requests on the bra.  The panties? Well, as long as it isn’t a windy day, hee hee. (remember, I wear skirts and dresses, no pants).
  • Nudity be damned
    Mike said he consciously backed off on either administering a spanking or administering it less strictly so as not to leave marks, opting for more non-physical forms of punishment (corner time, lines, plug, etc)  He also avoided breast punishments for the same reason.  No more!  Both Kayla and I will have to just cover up if there are marks.   J and others understand sometimes you might just feel like wearing something, so such an excuse won’t be questioned.
  • Review his Dominance as part of Maintenance
    Maintenance has been focused on my submission — but my submission is only part of it.  What of his Dominance?  Each session will now include a question from me, “Sir, do you desire any additional ways that I can be more submissive to you?”   He will then ask me if I have any examples of things that happened throughout the week where he could have been more dominant (note:  this is a very different question than if he were to ask me if I could have been more submissive).   After I respond, he will comment on my response and add to it based on his perspective.
    This dialogue should further keep us calibrated, both with each other, and our respective headspace.

In recognition of all that we uncovered, Mike felt it was appropriate to take the DDA’s recommendation.  My sentence?  My Maintenance spanking after our talk was quite significant – let’s just say, I wore clothes the next two days!!

NEXT: Post 264. Won’t you be my (nude) neighbor?

 

262. Give up, give in, or give it all you’ve got!

261

DD ANTIPATICO?
I mentioned I have achieved the right balance of D/s as far as feeding and fulfilling my submissive mindset.  But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?

While I have no doubts that we are one, we are dealing with something we have never dealt with before — we are not quite on the same page in our D/s journey.  I feel I have arrived at the sub I want to be and with the level of discipline that helps me be the person I want to be.  I have never taken it for granted how fortunate I have been to have Mike be on the same page as me.  If I needed a little more, he delivered it.  If I needed less, he backed off.

JEN IS FEELING FUNKY
Feeling like I have achieved my desired level of submission means I am not as emotionally invested in my day-to-day, moment-to-moment thoughts and actions.  I love being submissive and couldn’t imagine backing off of a single rule – but, yes, my enthusiasm has been a bit, “meh!”

It could be my pre-menapausal-hormone-funkiness toying me.  Whatever it is, I feel more like I am physically going through the motions of my duties, obligations and punishments without the same level of emotional connection I once had.

It just came to me — I compare it to a feeling of being on “auto pilot.”  I just don’t have to give my submission any thought.  My submission is part of me.  That’s a good thing – no, that’s a great thing!  I love that!  I’ve been working hard towards that for several years!  But. . . 

Because being submissive is now my default state of mind – a reflex – I am missing the emotional journey of it all.  There are certain emotions I no longer need to visit. The emotions to motivate myself to behave a certain way — no longer needed.  The emotions needed to self-reflect and ponder what I was doing and where things were going – no longer needed.  The many ways I surprised myself or that Mike surprised me as we unwrapped another dimension to our relationship – no longer a surprise.

It reminds me a bit of my feelings as a child with the build up and excitement around the holidays.  Christmas comes, and maybe you get everything you wanted, and when it is over, you are happy, very happy.  But, you miss the build up and excitement of it all.
That’s sorta of where I am at.  Very happy, but without that wonderment, amazement, or doubt that I once had.  Is that a bad thing?  My answer – no.  But. . .

MIKE IS FEELING SPUNKY
Mike told me he wants to explore more Dominance over me.  This is a first for us as until now, it was typically me asking for more Dominance.  Couple this with where I am at with our D/s, and, well – we aren’t eye to eye on what we are doing!  Yikes!

It really goes to how lucky we have been in that this is the first time we are dealing with this in the three plus years since adopting Domestic Discipline.  I know it could be worse – we could be going in opposite directions.  But we aren’t opposite – it is sort like I am wanting to stand still and he is wanting to keep moving.

Mike has had an outlet for his desire to be more Dominant.  Kayla has always enjoyed a deeper submission/more Dominance from Mike.  Mike said that he enjoys where things are with he and Kayla, and has discovered he would like to be a bit more dominant when it comes to he and I.    

He admitted that this feeling is part of what drove him to have me pursue Matt.  While cuck may sound like a submissive act on his part, he feels it is a dominant act to require me to have sex with Matt.  This is also why he loves to give me orders on what to do when he is watching Matt and I.

As we were sitting watching tv, Mike looks over to me and says, “I have been feeling this need to dominate you more.  I am not sure in what ways, but, just this nagging feeling of needing more submission from you.  I want you to come up with some ideas and we can talk more about it at our next Maintenance.”

“Yes, Sir, may I ask a few clarifying questions?”   

“Yes, you may.”

“Are you feeling a need to ramp up any particular area,  such as more rules, or more restrictions, or more acts of service?”

 “To be honest, I don’t have anything specific.  Ideas on any aspect of your submission will suffice. Let’s explore your ideas at Maintenance.”

This was his second time of saying “let’s discuss more at Maintenance.” Thus, I felt I shouldn’t question this further and simply wait until then to discuss.

MY REACTION IN MY HEAD
My initial reaction that I thought to myself was, “Don’t mess with this great thing we have achieved.  We are finally at this point of balance, “of equity,” where I am fulfilled and things are working great.”

Of course, it didn’t take me long to realize that equity isn’t just about my fulfillment.  It does start there, but it doesn’t end there.   

WHAT DOES EQUITY SAY ABOUT THIS?
I have to give my relationship with Mike everything it needs to be successful.  Not because Mike demands it, but because I demand it of myself (and we expect it from each other).  So what does my relationship need here?  Well, it needs MY needs to be met, and it needs Mike’s needs to be met.  And based on what he said, those needs are a bit unbalanced right now as far as our D/s goes. 

Three ways to reconcile this:

  1. GIVE UP
    I don’t ever give this option any thought, but keep in mind it is always an option one has.  If something is important enough and you are so dissatisfied by it, then “going nuclear” and giving up the relationship is always an option.
    .
  2. GIVE IN
    Part of me is leaning towards this.  After all, the irony wasn’t lost on me that we have had this exact conversation many, many times before — except it was reversed, with me seeking more submission.  Mike was always willing to listen to me and incorporate my wishes with whatever he was willing to do.  I should grant him the same consideration he has always granted me.  That is equitable, right?    There is nothing wrong with “giving in” as long as it is not something you feel strongly about.  When Mike “gave in” to my requests for him to discipline me, he wasn’t abandoning a deeply held conviction to not doing so.  While it wasn’t in his nature, he was willing to explore with me and give it a try.I feel I have worked very hard to find the level of submission that works for me. I like where our D/s and DD is at.  As a result, I feel deeply invested in the efforts to get where we are today and I am not inclined to just give in.

    We also just went through our Contract renegotiation exercise eight months ago after a lot of time and energy went in to expressing and codifying what we wanted.  I am already a lot more submissive now than before that Contract.  I love that, but am not looking for more.

    In this case, my giving in is not an option.  Mike could also give in, but honestly, I don’t want him to just for my sake.  He expressed this need within him, and I want to help him fulfill it.  We just have to figure it out.  I want him to be vulnerable enough to express things I may not agree with, so the worst thing for me to do is trying to shut him down on this issue.  I appreciate he is telling me what he needs, and I want to help him fulfill his needs. So, him giving in also not an option.
     

  3.  GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT  (i.e., negotiate)
    When #1 and #’2 aren’t options, then you simply need to seek alternative solutions.  That is what a negotiation is. And, to truly give it all you got, you have to bring all of yourself to the negotiation.  That means, you guess it, more vulnerability.
    .
    We both have been extremely honest about our needs and desires.  Not just sharing what they are, but what they mean to us and how they make us feel.  At the same time we appreciate what the other person’s needs and desires mean to them and how they make them feel.
    .
    You must have vulnerability, honesty, and love as a foundation for a “negotiation.”  With that foundation, negotiation doesn’t mean we hoard our chips and say,  “I’ll give you this one if you give me that one.”  That’s “equality” creeping in.  You aren’t looking to achieve an equal solution, you are looking to achieve an equitable one.  No keeping score!The result is you freely give the relationship the “chips” you are able to give without compromising your overall needs or with expectations of getting a chip in return.

THE RESULT
We worked it out.    Yeah, in prior posts when I first started alluding to this issue, it hadn’t yet been resolved.  But now it has.   

SO JEN, WTF IS IT THAT HE WANTS?
Oh, yeah.  You probably wonder what are these “more dominant” things we wants?    I think that makes for another good cliffhanger!  Ha!   Seriously, I purposely didn’t want to get into what the specific things were.

I didn’t want you to put your own value on whether the specific things I suggested or that he had in mind were reasonable or not.  It doesn’t matter what value you put on them – and frankly, it doesn’t matter what value I put on them.  What matters is the fact that Mike valued them.  Whatever it is he needs as a Dom is no more or less important than what I need as a sub.

WHAT ARE YOU IMAGINING?
But — I will share what those things are in another post.  In the meantime, it gives me a bit of thrill to think of all the crazy, sick, and twisted things you are likely imagining.  Imagine away!  Feel free to comment and share what you are imagining, if you dare!

Next: 263.  Returning to Dominant Headspace: He wants me to do what?

261. A bit more Kayla

I left a bit of a cliffhanger with inference there is a disturbance in the DD force with Mike and I.  I will get to that in my next post – promise!  I was re-reading my prior posts and felt I left a bit out that I want to add regarding Kayla. 

HOW DOES KAYLA FIT IN TO OUR EQUITY? 
We weren’t looking for a relationship with Kayla, and it wasn’t like we were “needing” it.  But our willingness to continually put our equity into our relationship means our relationship is open to so many new and wonderful things.

To re-visit my prior analogy, our marriage is not a closed box containing the two of us, it has a door and windows, and if someone rings the doorbell, we check out who it is.  Maybe, just maybe, they get invited in.  Some temporarily, like John, Donna, and Matt.  Some..or make that one, stay indefinitely, like Kayla.

And what does it mean to have Kayla as part of my relationship with Mike….well, not just a relationship, but a marriage?

We both feel strongly connected to Kayla.  She is part of us. “Us” in my marriage is three.  I shared some of the things we have done to further “bond” her to “us.”  Here are a few more things –

SOME SIMPLE THINGS
Public displays of affection — holding hands, putting arms around each other, or even the quick little pecks on the lips.  Yeah, they happen, whether Mike and her, or me and her, or the three of us.  Pda’s can happen, but generally aren’t in our nature, so not a lot of that, but, they aren’t forbidden.  Both Mike and I try to do it a little more with Kayla, as it is a simple gesture to show her we aren’t hiding her.

It also isn’t uncommon you hear us use various terms of endearment here and there… a “luv” here, a “babe” there, or even a “sweetie” at times.  Any one of us may be directing it at any one else.  It has even been a bit funny when someone says something and throws in a “babe” and the other two are like, “which babe are you talking to?”

SOME SEXY THINGS
Of course there is also the sex.  Kayla sleeps in our bed all the time now.  Sex is an every night thing.  Sometimes it can be more Mike and Kayla or more Mike and me, or more Kayla and I…it simply is whatever it evolves to be for the night.  I do love watching the two of them.  There are times I tell Mike I am fine with just the two of them having sex and I will just watch and masturbate.

We still have our one night a week alone with Mike.  Kayla or I sleep in the guest room on alternate weeks on the nights the other one has their date night with Mike.  Mike occasionally gives Kayla and I our own night out as well and he sleeps in the guest room.  It’s nice we all get to pair up and have our own one-on-one time.  We also all three go out on occasion when we have someone to stay with J.

SOME FURNITURE THINGS
And as part of her moving her things into our room, we went shopping this week for new sheets and bedspread and we let her pick it out.  We also got a new dresser that better compliments our decor so that Kayla could move all of her stuff into our room.  Another little thing we did is that instead of  “Kayla’s dresser” and “Jen’s dresser,” we alternated the drawers such that some of our stuff is in each dresser.  No “her’s” and “mine.”

Lastly we made room for her knick-knacks and some pictures.  Overall the feel is probably still a bit more Mike’s and I age, but it clearly has a Kayla touch.

SOME D/s THINGS
I find happiness in Kayla’s happiness and in all her
growth and happiness our relationship has brought her.   Further, I am so proud of Mike of finding it within himself to be able to give Kayla what she needs and desires – even when those things differ from what I need and desire.  It can’t be easy to deal with two women who have different needs – but it sure helps when, in our case, the two women share a #1 need of pleasing him.

Their D/s has continued to evolve and has a lot more M/s elements to it.  I joke that Kayla doesn’t breath without Mike’s permission.  That’s an obvious overstatement, but, there isn’t much she can do without his permission or command.  From speaking when he is around, to eating, to using the restroom – you can pretty much name it.  

EQUITY IN OUR MARRIAGE
Overall our “open” marriage means we were open to all the things that we have subsequently experienced since adopting DD. 

  • Open to people – obviously the deep relationship with Kayla, and the sexual/friendship relationships with John, Donna, and Matt. 
  • Open to life –  Our recent adoption of nudism is a good example of us finding something we weren’t even looking for.

EQUITY FOR KAYLA?
How does Kayla feel about her relationship with Mike and I?  I shared that she is happy and fulfilled, but what specifically does she find fulfilling.  I asked her.

In Mike – she admits there is a bit of a fulfilling father-figure to him.  His intense interest in who she is and how she feels, and his eagerness, not just willingness, to focus on her needs.  She felt these things even when she was a little girl, and those feelings ended up serving as the foundation for her puppy love to become amorous and more.

She loves serving him, and craves his approval.  At first it devastated her when he disapproved of something (punished her).  That’s why she use to be a big crier.  But she quickly learned that the thrill of doing better, serving him better, and being the person she desires to be, all make the punishments worth it.  She learned they didn’t mark a failure as much as mark an opportunity. 

She still tends to be a bit of crier, but she says her tears are different.  They are often out of immense thankfulness and joy.  A recognition that she is worthy of his guidance, expectations, and love.  I know that phrase probably sickens those who are unfamiliar with DD or D/s.  But I completely understand why she feels that way. 

In me – Kayla also admits I serve a a bit of a mother figure to her, more so than she says Mike serves as a father figure.  Probably because she feels a bit closer to her own father than her own mother.   Kayla says she yearned for a mother figure. Someone to show pride when she did well, give unconditional acceptance, even when she did “dumb shit” as she puts it.  Someone who cares when she suffered and who not only made efforts to help her feel better, but whose efforts actually succeeded in doing so.

Yeah, basically all the stuff a mom would do, she said she got that from me. And like with Mike, those things preceded our “adult’ relationship.  We were those things to her when she was 11, 12, 13, etc.  Again, all serving as a foundation for a love that eventually turned amorous.      

And just to clarify, Kayla said while she feels “let down” by her parents, they were not abusive in the typical meaning of the word.  Numb, not caring, not nurturing, yes – so she feels fortunate they were not abusive other than the abuse of disinterest.

WHAT NEXT?
Who knows what’s next…or even if there is a next.  But whether or not there is, or whatever it may be, I know we are receptive to exploration – so much so that if only one of us wants to explore, they are free to do so, without the others.

I believe the roles, responsibilities, and relationships that Mike and I have, with each other and with others, is highly equitable.  But, what if Mike or I wanted something that wasn’t equitable?   See that?  A nice segue into what I alluded to in the prior post regarding DD sympatico. . .  Next post, I promise!

260. More Mike, Jen, & Kayla: Equity vs. Equality

260

OPEN MARRIAGE
Labels are always tricky.  I don’t like the word “open” in the context of my marriage.  It infers “always open” as in, no barriers to entry and just picking up whatever the wind blows in.  It’s not like that.

It is open in this context – we are open to the concept that love is not finite nor needs to be confined to just two people.  My marriage indeed has barriers – say, four walls and a roof – it is just that the doors aren’t sealed shut.   We are open to answering a knock and evaluating whether or not we let them in.

ANSWERING QUESTIONS
As we are now open about Kayla, a few brave souls have asked questions – both people in my family and, during our vacation, some of E’s family.  Neither Mike, Kayla, or I had any qualms about answering any questions. and most were directed to me.  I think being the wife they felt I had some sort of aggrieved status that made my answers more credible, or at least more interesting.  

Many of the questions inferred concerns which fell into the same three buckets as what my sister’s expressed about my DD.  It’s degrading, it’s unfair, it’s unhealthy.  I used some of the same responses I used on my sisters as shared in Post 136. 

People seemed generally receptive.  They at least seemed to respect that I had thought through those issues and at least reconciled them for myself.  I learned if I answer their questions truthfully and with conviction, they quickly go from being concerned to simply being curious.  That curiosity often led to discussions about our views on relationships in general.

As I mentioned, I used an approach similar to that in Post 136 in answering their questions.  However, as it just so happens, I came across an additional way I can express myself going forward and I wanted to share it. 

INSPIRATIONAL CREDIT
I credit livingwithx.wordpress.com as my inspiration (i.e., I copied a lot).  I encourage you to read his About section.   I love to reflect and get all esoteric – but I know I do it in a wordy and rambling sort of way.  I appreciate his ability to be succinct.  What takes me an entire post to try to convey, he accomplishes in a few words or bullet points.

The concerns people expressed to me were often rooted in confusing  FAIRNESS with SAMENESS (which I covered in Post 136).  But it is deeper than that, and livingwithx explained it in a way that I feel was more eloquent and powerful than delineating fairness from sameness.  Their concerns were also rooted in confusing EQUITY with EQUALITY.

You can pretty much substitute his word, Equity, with my word, Fairness, as well as his word, Equality, for my word, Sameness.  It isn’t so much the labels that were powerful to me, it was in how livingwithx defined them.  

Equity is giving your relationship everything it needs to be successful.
Equality is making sure everyone in the relationship is being treated the same.

It’s simple. In your relationship, do you value success, or do you value sameness?  The answer seems obvious, but society conditions us to focus on the latter.  People are quick to identify the injustice of the smallest inequality.  So much so that they often overlook the devastation that comes from a lack of equity. 

As I illustrated to my sisters in Post 136, their drive for equality in their relationship has led to a lot of inequities.  I am not saying they are miserable — they are happy in their marriages.  But I am saying their relationships with their husbands could be more fulfilling (and they agree!).   And part of the reason is their focus on equality over equity.

Next time I am posed with a “Kayla” question, I think I will start it with a statement that in my relationship with Mike, we value success over sameness.  Then let the conversation go from there.  I believe most people agree they want the former, not the latter.  If so, then it is simply about finding what it is that your relationship needs, and go for it.  So did my relationship actually “need” Kayla?   More on that in a bit. 

WHAT DOES EQUITY REQUIRE?
Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Ouch!  I think that deserves repeating.   Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Why do people stay in such relationships?  At least try to invest the equity it takes to improve things.  As someone who has always been very self-reflective and in constant state of investing equity, it is hard for me to relate to someone accepting an equal relationship over one that is equitable.

I’ll admit though that my investments in equity didn’t always pay off.  Partly because I wasn’t being honest with myself regarding what I really needed and partly because I wasn’t being honest with Mike in communicating what I thought I needed (i.e. I lacked vulnerability).  Oh, and partly because Mike wasn’t in an equitable state of mind because he was also focused on “equality” plus, he wasn’t always open and honest about what he needed (i.e he lacked vulnerability).  So yeah, just wanting and seeking equity doesn’t mean you’ll get it.

So if equity isn’t about seeking everything your relationship needs to be successful, what is it?   Oh!  It is about finding what it needs to be successful.  How do you do that?  It’s a learning process.  So how do you learn that?

IT STARTS WITH YOU – YOU ARE #1
I know it sounds selfish, but first, you have to know what you want and then, you must be willing to ask for what you want.  Simply put, you need to find a partner that fulfills YOUR NEEDS.  Nothing really selfish in that.  That is relationship 101.  Why would you want a partner that doesn’t do that?

In order to have your needs fulfilled, you have to communicate them (i.e. you have to be vulnerable).  My plethora of vulnerability posts can be found in the Finding My Happiness section of my Shortcuts.

IT THEN TURNS TO THE NEEDS OF THE OTHER
While it starts with you, it doesn’t end with you.   Equity requires that you focus on the needs of the relationship, which means – others in the relationship.  In order to have your needs fulfilled you have to be willing to fulfill your partner’s needs as well.  It is through that emotional and physical investment of fulfilling each other’s needs that you create EQUITY.  It doesn’t matter if the emotional and physical investments of each person were not EQUAL.    

In our case, there was a change in what I needed from our relationship and my life.  That change happened to involve DD.  I had to understand it first, then had to communicate it – that is, I had to ask for it.  That understanding/asking is laid out in my first half-dozen or so posts.

I was then fortunate enough to have a partner in Mike who was willing to invest his equity (efforts, emotions, actions, ) in fulfilling my needs as he saw that there was potential for my equity (efforts, emotions, actions) to fulfill his needs.   And what if there is a situation where partners don’t agree on the equity?   That’s where communication and give and take have to come in, and in our case, Mike’s role as HOH comes in.

What if you are having too many situations where we can’t agree things are equitable?  To me the result is that the relationship can’t be fulfilling.  Someone – maybe everyone – is settling for less than their needs require.  You can only do that for so long before resentment builds, leading to a downward spiral that self destructs the relationship.

DID MY RELATIONSHIP “NEED” KAYLA?
You can’t always define everything your relationship needs. It is more about addressing each of life’s situations and opportunities as they come.  So we didn’t “need” a third and then go looking for one.   Instead, our relationship has a need to remain open and honest about everyone’s wishes and desires.  This leads us to be open to life’s possibilities…in this case, the possibility of a third, such that when the right situation presented itself, it happened.  

Does that mean we are open to a fourth?  Why stop there.  A fifth?  Well, sure, why not? I don’t foresee that happening, but I know our relationship will take whatever path it needs to take to ensure success.  I can’t imagine how more people would add to our success, but frankly, I could have never imagined how Kayla could have done so.

So that is my long-winded way of laying out my thoughts on my marriage.  I don’t know that I specifically answered how it is that Kayla fits in to our “equity”  Or how say, John & Donna, or our overall sex life,  Matt, nudism, and oh yeah, and Domestic Discipline – how does all of that fit into our “equity?”    I think the simplest answer is, “It just works for us.”  Wow. This entire post could have probably been just those 5 words.  

With that settled. . . what of my inference to Mike’s Dominance perhaps evolving beyond where I would like it to be?   Well, that all makes for a good next post!

NEXT: 261.  A bit more on Kayla