Kayla is working on a D/s contract. We felt she should write her own. She likes the framework of mine and it will have a lot of similarities, but will be modified to her needs and desires. Of course, we all know a contract is not binding, but it is the best tool to demonstrate commitment, and the second best tool for communicating and maintaining expectations. The best tool for that is, of course, old fashion talking!
No, this isn’t about some Hucow fetish, not that there is anything wrong with that. This is about expressing feelings. Sharing her feelings is going to be critical. I can tell it will be hard for her to truly identify what she is feeling. It may take some intense questioning/pushing in order to get her to identify the “true” feelings. One way we will support this is that she is encouraged to ask me lots of questions, even to politely express her disagreement with anything, including me. With Mike, her questioning of his decisions, requests, or statements are reserved for Maintenance Sessions, just like for me – however, instead of weekly, her sessions will more frequent.
We all agreed that Kayla does enough suppressing of her emotions that we felt having to wait for a once a week session would be counterproductive. Kayla suggested “Immediate Maintenance” session that either she or Mike could call. Sort of like, “I need to express myself now, but want to respect the moment and not simply blurt out in anger.” Having a formal maintenance session, even an impromptu one, provides the best atmosphere for sharing. These “Immediate” sessions would have much of the pomp and circumstances of a weekly meeting, including a spanking. In addition, she would still be a normal weekly Maintenance Session. We might call these Immediate Sessions something else – still working on the details of that.
One other way we are supporting this is that at any time she may be questioned on what she is feeling in that moment. She needs to quickly articulate it and possibly be pressed further to confirm or change her answer. This could be very frustrating for her as she is used to answering, “Fine” to most questions about her feelings.
We talked about making the initial term of the contract 90 days. I feel setting a term is more about making a commitment to yourself. From my personal experience it helped me not give up too quickly early on if I had a bad day or two. Understanding that there is this end point helps give you strength to see the tough days through. Of course, nothing keeps any of us from us walking away at any time, but writing it down in a contract makes you more committed. I know I learned a lot after my first three months and being able to “renegotiate” was helpful in keeping my DD on track until Mike and I better settled into a routine.
KAYLA’S SUBMISSION TO ME
Surprise! She does what to be submissive to me. We talked about various concerns with that. I believe there is a chance she can feel overwhelmed submitting to both of us. And it could be hard on us. It is difficult enough for Mike to learn how to best be her Dom, and now I am put in that position as well? Consistency? Duplication? Lots of concerns there.
We ultimately agreed that she will always respond to me with a “Yes Ma’am” or a “No Ma’am,” but my punishing her would be limited. We agreed that I would be responsible for Immediate Rewards if Mike was not around. Mike will address any transgressions that doesn’t require an immediate action. Also, as previously stated, she is able to question me more (still respectfully).
While this works for Kayla, I am a bit concerned that this can get me out of my submissive head space. I am not sure if it will, but I recognize the risk is there. We will just have to see. I am willing to give it a try and frankly, the thought of being a bit Dom intrigues me.
KAYLA’S DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS
Kayla also wants similar “Duties and Obligations” regarding honesty, obedience, self-care, and safety. The M/s community often refers to the 4 D’s of Dishonesty, Disobedience, Danger, and Disrespect. I wanted to flip them to their positives of Honesty, Obedience, etc. It just sounds more positive! She wants to word her a bit differently, as she does have different obligations regarding school, etc., but she is keeping the same headings. Sounds good!
She is putting in a lot more rules than I have. For instance, keeping her room clean is good enough for us, but she wanted lots of specifics as to what it means. She said she gets a thrill thinking about having to focus on little details. She feels that focusing on and accomplishing her duties and obligations is a huge thrill, so having more of them will give her a bigger thrill. Of course, it also means more opportunities to be punished, but she said she is okay with that.
She says doesn’t have false expectations of never failing. I wasn’t so sure at first. I don’t want her to take on too much. There have been days, especially early on in this lifestyle, that I felt a bit defeated. I know there will be days like that for her. I want her to be prepared and be equipped to shake those days off. We spent a lot of time discussing this and ultimately I think she is going in with the right expectations.
We talked about the Sexual Obedience part of my contract. You would think that this shy, self-conscious young woman would wilt under the discussion of sex, but other than needing a bit of extra prying and encouragement, she is comfortable talking about it. Partly because we’ve talked about sexual things before, but not in this detail or context. Ultimately, while Mike has full discretion in requesting any sexual act to be performed on or by me, Kayla wanted some limits. As it pertains to Mike and I being the ones performing “on or by her,” she was fine with full discretion for Mike. Otherwise, Mike can ask if she wants to partake (or be partaken – is that a word?), and she is free to decline. I am happy she put some limits on this. I would be worried if she was just accepting everything. It tells me she is giving it some thought.
She plans to have similar “rewards” such as Immediate, Deferred, and Escalated. She did have one request that I feel also shows she was giving this a lot of thought. She wants any spankings during maintenance sessions to only be by hand. I think she recognizes that hand spankings are a bit more intimate and the thought of that makes her feel good.
We talked about getting some new implements (as well as toys), sort of “hers, hers, and ours” where some could be used on/by both of us, and others were just for one of us. Not quite an XXX-mas in July, in fact, more like a Merry XXXmas! There is some fun shopping ahead. We spent some time perusing some sex toys online. This was another great bonding experience with all of us sharing what did and did not look appealing to us. Suffice to say, our tastes were not that different, except she definitely likes the idea of handcuffs, ropes, and restraints way more than I do.
Later in the day when we were recounting the events of when Mike asked her to undress, Kayla shared that while she was a bit shocked, she also got this “good” nervousness in her belly and nether-regions. She said she really looks forward to being submissive. She is excited about getting spanked but also worried about just how much it might hurt. She expressed concern about “not being able to take it.” We both reassured her that she should never hesitate with a safe word and she does not let anyone down if she needs to cut a punishment short. She even asked a couple of times that day if Mike was going to spank her as she would forget to call him Sir. Mike finally had to sternly tell her that there would be no spankings today. Her nakedness and inspection was enough submission for now. Mike is really letting the tension of thinking about a spanking build up inside her. I thought not spanking her that day was a bit unfair given how Kayla is. I think she would have benefited from a firm spanking right there, even for no particular reason. But I also know it will make her first spanking all the more memorable.
Next: 95. Much ado about. . . spanking