Category Archives: 4. Discipline

Sharing some of the times I’ve been disciplined

268. When the Dom is Gone, the subs Get it On . . . . . . and a spanking

Mike was out-of-town last weekend and he invited Matt to stay at our house.  It was odd having Matt sleep in our bed.  The first night the three of us (me, Matt, Kayla) slept together.  It had been awhile since we had done this as Matt said some time ago that he only wanted to sleep with me going forward.   He was open to changing that up for special occasions.  Oh the sacrifice!  hee hee

Mike gave us two specific requirements while he was gone – 

  1. WAAA rules in effect.  Back in October we added some rules we call “When we Are Apart Activities.” “Waaa!!!!”  Cute, huh?  When Mike is traveling we will face-time just before going to bed.  I am naked, administer a self spanking, and am ready for any other instructions he may give.  The call ends with me saying my evening mantra and I am not to speak any more that night.
  2. Sex.  We were to accommodate any of Matt’s desires that were within our limits.  

Matt knows I am disciplined – but he has never witnessed it.  I asked Mike to not punish me in front of Matt.  It’s difficult to explain – it’s like my relationship with Matt is not at all about discipline and I don’t want him to be a part of/witness to it.  That part of me is part of my relationship with Mike, not Matt.  My relationship with Matt is about sex and companionship (and more sex), not discipline.  When I asked Mike not to punish me in front of Matt, his answer was, “then don’t give me reason to.”   While not the answer I sought, to be honest, his answer really tickles my submissive-spot. 

MIKE’S EXPECTATIONS
I asked Mike for his WAAA expectations regarding Matt’s presence.  Btw, the DD
Assembly on Submissive Tactics and Measures (known as the AssTM committee) gave me a special commendation for this.  As the Submissive Handbook states, “It is acceptable for submissives to make a request of their Dom to clarify intent; however, it is more thoughtful and submissive of the sub to, prior to making their own request, first ask their Dom if the Dom has any specific expectations of their submissive.”  Okay, where were we?  oh yeah…  

Mike expected to have our WAAA session but with a few modifications.  I could do it in the bathroom with the door closed but was not to make Matt leave the bedroom.  It was up to me if I wanted to explain anything to Matt.  I was also allowed to speak after our WAAA but I must text Mike with the mantra before I went to sleep and that I could not talk once I sent the text. As for the morning WAAA, I was not to speak to Matt or anyone until it was completed.  (We do have some exceptions for talking to J if J wakes up before I do).

EVENING WAAA!
It was easier to explain the WAAA to Matt instead of trying to hide it.  I told him I would be in the bathroom for the session.  Matt was sweet. He sensed I was uneasy and offered to wait in the living room until it was over.  Technically I think I could have taken him up on the offer, but I felt it wasn’t in the spirit of what Mike intended.  Mike’s statement implied he didn’t want me to inconvenience Matt in any way.  Plus, I just earned that nice commendation by ASSTM and didn’t want to risk recission… hee-hee.  I told Matt he was welcomed to stay in the bedroom.  

It was about ten or so and Matt, Kayla, and I had already had sex.  As Matt and I laid in the bed watching tv, Kayla had her WAAA session with Mike.  I paid attention to the sounds coming from the bathroom.  You couldn’t make out what was being said, but the self-spanking sounds were distinctive.  Oh well, that’s the way it had to be.  It felt a little awkward when Kayla emerged from the bedroom.  I struggled for something to say and said something like, “Come and keep the bed warm as it’s my turn now.”   

I face-timed with Mike and he had me put on nipple clamps as we talked.  I then had to insert a butt plug after I administered my self spankings.  We then continued to talk.  When we were done, I recited the mantra and we ended our call.  I removed the accouterments, washed up, and returned to the bedroom where Kayla was giving Matt a blow job.  It made for a better transition than what Kayla had.  I said something like, “Oh, goody!” and I eagerly joined in the fun!

It was probably about 1:30 before I texted Mike with the mantra.  Yeah, it was about three hours of sex!  (Mike let us stay up past our bedtime – how nice!)  It wasn’t non-stop, we all had to catch our breath here and there – but it was intense.  More on that in a bit.

MORNING WAA!
I told Matt, “Good morning.”  It quickly dawned on me I messed up.  Crap!

I didn’t say anything else and I went to the bathroom and called Mike.  I recited the mantra before saying anything else.  I confessed my screw up and Mike told me to go get Kayla.  I did so (and she recited her morning Mantra to him), and he told Kayla to spank me for my speaking to Matt before saying my mantra.  In keeping with the typical discipline I receive when it has to do with something I say, I was fully expecting our “traditional” mouth soaping.  Thankfully, Mike didn’t order it as he was satisifed with just the spanking.

It has been a long time since Kayla has spanked me as part of a real discipline session  (Post 251 was more fun than discipline).  Despite this, I had no odd feelings about it.  I guess it is because it was practical for Mike to administer it.  Also, I can close my eyes and it still feels as if Mike is doing it.  I can still feel submissive when Kayla spanks me – but it is much harder to do so when I have to spank Kayla.  Anyway – yeah, I got a pretty hard spanking, enough that I know my butt was very red.

It was another one of those conflicted feelings.  I  really didn’t like Matt seeing my spanked butt – but – having him see it was like this proclamation of my submission to Mike, which I really loved.  Matt didn’t comment and didn’t seem to go out of his way to get a good look, but I know he saw it.

BTW, while my dress code is no pants – dresses and skirts – if J is home and we have to cover due to a spanking, Mike allows us to wear shorts around the house (stay topless). J wasn’t home as he spent the weekend at T1’s and E’s (which was a very big deal and milestone for him).  Anyway, it kept us from having to play cloak and daggar regarding the condition our butts or the sleep-over guest.  

SEX
What of our sex?  Inquirying minds want to know.  Well, it was all the one-on-one and threesome combo’s that you can probably imagine.  We told Matt we were there to serve his fantasies.  We even had to break out a few of the toys!  It was a lot of fun for all of us.  Let your imagination run wild!

NEXT: 269. Turn up the cuck – Whoring me out?

267. Free to be: Seeking Domestic Discipline

267

I wrote in my last post I had a lunch date that I was a little late to.  It was with my friend Valerie – one of my “lunch bunch” friends.   And what of Mike’s instructions of me?  I shared that he told me not to wear panties and he gave me one other instruction.  More on that “instruction” in a bit.

I found my friends situation fascinating, thus this post.  My fascination is less about her interest in Domestic Discipline and more about her fears, thus this post isn’t so much about “look at what she did,” and more about, “Wow, we often get in our own way when we try to seek fulfillment.”   

VALERIE
She’s a former co-worker, a few years younger than me, married just over 20 years, and a newly crowned “empty nester.”  If you read Post 222 you know I’ve come out to my friends about basically everything.  This prompted Valerie to talk with me privately about her own needs and desires.    

Valerie confided that she has always been a bit submissive with her husband.  Not in a D/s sort of way – deferring a lot to him and being more traditional in doing things for him.  She always got a thrill out of serving him, and even at times craved some discipline from him.  Not necessarily spanking, but she admitted to liking being scolded by him – something he doesn’t really do.  In fact, she described some of her behaviors to me that sounded an awful lot like “bratting,” to purposefully get a rise out her husband.

The concept of formal Domestic Discipline was foreign to her.  She always thought it was a role play thing, not a way of life thing, until she learned otherwise from me.   She has been in a heavily reflective mood with the last kid now out of the house.  Energized by my story, she feels she must do something to fulfill her needs.  She believes it is a great time to reinvent and reinvigorate her marriage.  

She wants to completely “come clean” on her past bisexual experiences as well as her current desires for DD – she wants to become completely vulnerable to him.  It is a scary thing, and not easy to do, thus she is looking to me for support.

HER MOTIVATION – “FREE TO BE”
She told me that t
hey have always had a tendency to be a bit reserved with each other.  She figures after 20+ years of marriage, it’s a good time to stop being shy about various needs and desires.  She wants them to both feel “free to be” as she put it.  In my words, she is anxious to take all of who they actually are and present the “FULL” version of themselves to the other –  all their experiences, all their desires.  In essence, to finally be 100% vulnerable to each other.   

WHAT’S THE HOLD UP?
I have been talking to Valerie for three months and she still lacks the confidence to talk to her husband.  She called me over to her house to have lunch because she thinks she is finally ready, but needs a final pep talk.  I found it interesting to categorize all her excuses for not talking to him yet.  It illustrates just how hard open communication (vulnerability) can be. 

Fear of Rejection
She is afraid he might get angry, even though she admits it is unlike him to do so… but in her mind, “what if?”  This fear is hard to overcome, especially if you. . .

Lack of self-confidence
To allow yourself to be vulnerable you have to love yourself first.  While you need a good dose of self-esteem and self-confidence, you don’t have to think of yourself as Wonder Woman.  Just a generally good feeling about yourself and recognize the positive qualities you bring to the relationship.  It also means you don’t need your partner to define who you are or to complete you.   If you lack confidence, your insecurities will impact your mutual happiness.

In talking with Valerie I observed that none of her insecurities were rooted in anything her husband has ever said or done.  He sounds like a very loving partner.  Her insecurities were more rooted in her concerns over being judged by society, by her parents, and religious issues.  Keep in mind her parents are both deceased – but she still seeks their approval.   It was clear, in her mind, society, her parents, and her religion, has reinforced that she is not entitled to express herself or ask for what she wants.  She is basically to suffer, as that suffering is righteous and therefore fulfilling.   Ug!

We talked a lot about her marriage and I suggested to her that everything she has described to me about their relationship indicates she should be very confident that her husband will lovingly respond.   It seems clear to me that he never wants her to suffer and would move mountains to insure she doesn’t.

Appearing needy, emotionally imperfect
She felt she shouldn’t have such strong desires to want certain things from him, that perhaps her desires were not rational.  Sharing them could expose her as weak or needy.

This seemed like a submissive catch-22 to me.  Because she has always been naturally submissive to him, she feels expressing her needs goes against her own nature.   I found myself virtually reciting from many of my past posts, such as my Doctrine of Submission, or in discussing how you can’t hold someone else responsible for your happiness.   This ties back to the self-confidence issue.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior / Mind reading
I discovered that the two of them have been arguing more and more lately, and Valerie admitted she was the instigator.  She wasn’t just saying that out of some default thinking that everything is her fault.  She said she recognizes that she has been doing things like the silent treatment or doing other things to elicit feelings of guilt on his part.  Her justification is, “he should be able to figure out that I need something.”  In other words, he should be a mind reader. 

She was able to rationalize how counter-productive her behaviors are, but, said she just can’t help it.  I told her in my experience, passive-aggressive behaviors often come from not being 100% present in the relationship – that is, not being 100% herself, not being vulnerable, not meeting her needs first and rarely expressing them.  I believe those behaviors will go away once she discloses all her feelings to him.

This also reminded me of my discussion with my sisters about what it means to be degrading, unfair, and unhealthy.   Valerie’s behaviors certainly qualify. 

I suggested that her passive-aggressive behaviors and resulting arguments would be the perfect conversation starter.  “I know I’ve been overly sensitive and frankly a bit mean lately.  It’s because I have been trying to reconcile some things in my mind.  I now realize I need your help in doing that.  Can we talk?” 

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
I told her that what I have learned over the past three years or so was that love was not enough in my marriage.  I didn’t just want Mike to love me.  I wanted Mike to help me discover who I am and to help achieve the best version of myself. 

That required a lot of honesty and openness, with both myself and with Mike.  And through our journey, I also helped Mike discover who he is and help him achieve the best version of himself.

FINAL THOUGHTS
If you recall, the prior post ended with Mike giving me some two instructions.  One is that I could not wear panties on my visit, and the other…..

“Valerie, since you are considering allowing your husband to discipline you, it might help you to see what a good spanking can actually do.  First off, I am not wearing panties because Mike forbid it – such are the types of rules I agree to be subject to.   Secondly, he told me to show you the results of the spanking I got just before I left the house and that I was to fully share the extent of the discipline I received.”

I lifted my skirt and bend over, exposing my backside to her.  It was still red.  I stayed in that position as I explained the full extent of my discipline…the soaping and the spanking.  I put my skirt down and sat back down once I finished explaining it.

I asked her thoughts.  She said, “That’s exactly what I crave from my husband. Well, minus the pee stuff.”   

Ha!  Yeah, I get it.   That revelation can be… ready for it?  here it comes….  “hard to swallow.”   And with that, she said she felt ready to have that conversation that night.

HOW DID IT GO?
He apparently took it pretty well.  She told me he was upset with her for keeping it a secret and not trusting him enough to have told him earlier.  But, the next day, told her he had some things to share of his own.  She didn’t tell me what it was, but, in simple terms, it’s what I see in most healthy relationships — vulnerability gets reciprocated. 

The resulting conversations yielded them sharing not just sexual experiences of their past which they never shared before, but talking about current dreams and desires, sexual and otherwise.  She was light on details, but said their sex life has been in overdrive.  And as for Domestic Discipline, she said she would like me to come over and talk to her about my Contract, as they are wanting to codify her Duties and Obligations!

How delightful!

Next: 268. When the Dom is Gone, the subs Get it On. . . . . . and a spanking

266. Domestic Discipline Throwback: A Spanking two-fer

266

It’s been about two months since I shared a spanking story  Not because I haven’t been spanked over that time, but there haven’t been many, and none that notable or different from other spankings I get. Our recent refocusing changed that.   So here are TWO spanking stories for you.

WE INTERRUPT THIS SPANKING STORY
Before I get into that, just a quick note on my blogging.  I am behind on sharing stuff and sometimes when I get behind, I just skip over things and blog about more recent stuff, forever skipping the stuff I was behind on.  I’ve been trying not to do that.  I found I start to forget whether or not I shared certain experiences.  I’ll start to reference something and then be like, “did I ever actually share that in the first place?”  I then go back looking for it and sometimes I find that I did, and sometimes I find that did not.

Anyway, I don’t want to have to do that so am trying to just cover all the things I feel are worth sharing.  I am about a week behind on stuff.   For instance, this weekend Mike is on a business trip, and Matt is spending the weekend with me at my house.  But I don’t want to blog about that until I get you caught up on a few other things.

ZERO TOLERANCE
When Mike and I discussed our drifting from our normal D/s routine, he acknowledged he had been giving me more and more warnings over actual punishments.  The result of our conversation was that he was adopting a “zero tolerance” regarding any failures in my Duties and Obligations.   He doesn’t intend to stay at “zero tolerance,” but, Mike felt it would be easier to adopt a “no warnings” mindset to get us out of our “drift.”   It didn’t take long before it was clear to me that indeed, there would be no warnings, regardless how minor the indiscretion.

Also, for some context, Kayla and I have a 10:30 p.m. bedtime and we often go to bed before Mike.  Sometimes he might send one of us to bed and one of us gets to stay up later with him, or sometimes we both get to stay up late or neither of us do.  By the way, if we do go to sleep before him, he may wake us for sex when he does come to bed.   Oh, and of course, we sleep naked.   Okay, enough of our bedtime routine.

Oh – a bit more context –  Kayla and I have a many household chores we must do.  We typically “divide and conquer” where we will split up the work.

I had just fallen asleep and was awaken to the covers being pulled off me and one hard smack to my butt.  Then I hear Mike, “Get up Jen, someone is getting a spanking.”   I managed a groggy “Yes, Sir,” unsure exactly why but alert enough to know not to delay in obeying him.

I stood up and then he asked, “Who swept the floors after dinner, you or Kayla?”   

I know I didn’t forget to sweep the floors, so what was this about?   In my half-awake state I was fortunate to still know enough to answer him clearly, without it sounding like a question.  “It was me, Sir.”

“Both of you need to make sure all the cleaning is done after dinner.  If something is missed, both of you will be punished, and to make that point clear, Kayla, you need to get out of bed and get over here.”

Kayla got up.  Mike directed me to bend over and put my hands on the bed.  He directed Kayla to come over next to him, such that Mike was to one side of me and Kayla the other.   “Kayla, you are going to watch this so that you remember that both of you need to share in the cleaning duties and both of you will share in the consequences.”

It’s been awhile since Kayla watched me get a good discipline spanking.  I don’t mind it, it’s just that it has been awhile so it felt it a bit different.  Mike already had a paddle in his hand.  He gave me a dozen or so warm ups by hand, and then came the paddle.  Ten, then another ten a bit harder, then another ten harder than the last.

In a matter of moments I went from that surreal place between sleep and wake, to the adrenaline rush of having my ass lit up.   Mike told me to get up and then told Kayla to take my place.   Mike then spanked her as he did me.

He then instructed Kayla to stand in the corner until we returned.  He then brought me out to the kitchen and showed me that I indeed did clean the floor, but, I left the dustpan out.  I had put it down on a chair and forgot it.   Wow, Mike was serious about this zero tolerance.  I put it away and we walked back to the bedroom.  He called Kayla over and we hugged and did our Closing Ceremony.  “All is forgiven.”

Normally Mike and I don’t mix sex with discipline – meaning we don’t have sex at the conclusion of a discipline session  (Mike and Kayla often do though).  But, that night I was thankful that we all ended up having sex.  I needed the relaxation of an orgasm to help get back to sleep.  Spankings can be such an adrenaline rush. 

SPANKING #2 – REMINDER SPANKINGS
I get a quick spanking anytime I leave the house – as a reminder to remain submissive in my thinking even when not home.  I was running a little late for a lunch date with a friend.  I wasn’t going to be late if I left promptly.   I went to Mike and asked for my reminder spanking.  He said he would be there in a minute.

Mike came to the room a few minutes later – much longer than I was anticipating.  I knew better than to complain or rush him, but my attitude was clearly that of, “Come on, Mike, get on with it, I’ve got to get going.”   Mike asked me, “What’s the rush?”

That was my out.  I could have recognized I was putting off an “annoyed” vibe and apologized for it.  Instead, I complained.  “I don’t want to be late, and this doesn’t have to take so long.”

Mike said, “It takes as long as I want it to take.  This spanking is going to be double.  One set as your reminder for when you are out of the house.  The other set for your reminder that when it is time for a reminder spanking, you won’t be annoyed or try to rush me.”

He took me into our bathroom as J was home and it is furthest away from the rest of the home such that noise shouldn’t be an issue.  I was already dressed to go.  I expected Mike to just have me remove my panties and bend over, as that is usual for a reminder.  But instead, he told me to completely disrobe.

Once naked, he then had me open my mouth.  He took a bar of soap, ran some water over it, and told me to stick out my tongue.  Yes, a mouth soaping.  After lathering up my tongue, I had to hold the soap bar in my mouth.  Mike then had me bend over and he gave me several warm ups, then 10 very hard ones with a thin paddle, 5 on each cheek.  Then 10 very hard ones with a wider paddle, again, 5 on each cheek.  Not satisfied with the result, he then gave me three more on each cheek, full force.  He inspected my ass, and then gave me one on each cheek, again full force.

This was not just a reminder spanking, it was a disciplinary punishment, no doubt about it.  And with all mouth soapings, when it was done, I got on my knees and Mike peed into my mouth.  I stood and swished and spit into the sink, then got back on my knees and repeated until Mike did not have to go any more.  I was then allowed to rinse with some water.   Mike hugged me, “All is forgiven.”

I got dressed.  “By the way, Jen, I don’t want you to wear panties on your lunch date.”

I removed my panties, and with one additional instruction, that I will share later, I happily left for my lunch date with my friend, albeit a bit late.    What was that instruction and who was I having lunch with?   Next post!

NEXT:  Free to Be: Seeking Domestic Discipline

263. Returning to Dominant Headspace: He wants me to do what?

263

As per my prior post Mike told me that he would like to be more Dominant.  Ah!  A time to rejoice!  I have thrived in being submissive and have typically had to “pull the Dominant out of him.”  So, Yes!  He is finally expressing he wants more!  Yes, yes, yes! 

NO!
As I stated before.  I feel we have achieved the right balance of D/s that works for me.  From my perspective, there is equity in our D/s.   But, equity is about the relationship as a whole, not just any one person. Mike feels he needs more of something (my submission), and I don’t – there is a lack of equity. 

THE DOM CARD
Mike just says it, therefore it must be.  I am his submissive, yes?  True, if Mike asks me to do “x,” I almost certainly will comply.  BUT — our Agreement doesn’t actually say that he can just decree things and make them so.   It kind of goes like this . . .

IF IT PLEASES THE COURT 
JEN:  Your honor, in our Agreement, Mike commits to always treating me in the manner that I want to be treated.  While I commit to surrendering myself to him, no where does our agreement define that surrender to mean doing everything he demands.  Further, while I have to be, and want to be, Obedient, we do not define Obedience as doing anything he asks, except specifically in the Sexual Obedience clause.  In-so-much Mike is not asking for more Sexual Obedience, I therefore am not obligated to simply agree with greater levels of submission.   

MIKE:  Your honor,  our Agreement states that “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline,”  Any new rules, act of service, or restriction I place on Jennifer is all part of her code of conduct, call it, a “code of behavior.”  Codes of behavior are collectively referred to as Discipline.  She must accept any and all codes of behavior, aka Discipline, that I prescribe.  Further, the Agreement calls for her to do so “promptly and without hesitation.”  Frankly, your honor, I don’t know why we are even here.  I rest my case.     

JEN:  I object, your honor.  That statement is incomplete.  The full statement is “Jennifer shall fully accept any and all Discipline as a consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience.   In our agreement, Discipline is not a code of behavior.  Discipline is clearly defined as a “consequence.”  And further, not following a rule, not performing an act of service, or not adhering to a restriction that is explicitly spelled out in the Agreement are all precursors to a consequence.  In other words, a precursor to Discipline.  The rule, the act of service, or the restriction does NOT, by itself, constitute “discipline” in our Agreement.  It is clear our Agreement defines Discipline as a consequence, nothing more.

And yes, Promptness is a part of our Obedience clause.  In it, I agree that I must do what Mike tells me without hesitation.  However, your honor, this wording clearly is in reference to a specific instruction that requires immediate action.  As such, this clause can not apply to any requirement or new set of expectations for which I am unable to immediately act on.   If Mike tells me to do “x,” I must promptly do it.  If Mike tells me from now on I must do “x” every day, the fact that I can not promptly fulfill that requirement means promptness is not possible.  If it is not possible, then the Promptness clause can not be applied.   

Therefore, any new rules, acts of service, or restrictions he wishes to place on me do not constitute Discipline under our agreement, and are not subject to the Promptness clause. Nowhere am I required to do things that are not part of my Duties and Obligations.  The only way to add new rules, acts of service, or restrictions is to modify said Duties and Obligations, which can be done either at Renegotiation, or as agreed upon by BOTH parties.  Our Agreement is clear.  Mike can not unilaterally add a new rule, act of service, or restriction without my consent.        

THE JUDGES:   Unlike last time, this time we had to call upon ASSO, which we all know as the Domestic Discipline Assembly on Obedience, committee chair Anita Hardick presiding. (Yes, women are represented in the DDA).

The committee voted 5-2 in my favor.  However, it was in their opinion that my snarkiness and attempts to be cute in my calling upon ASSO to arbitrate displayed an overall tone that was contrary to Section 1.1 of my Obedience clause.  Since that clause leaves it up to Mike to interpret my actions as being “rude, dismissive, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to him,” ASSO did not mandate discipline, but they suggested that Mike strongly consider that clause and act accordingly.

WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
That is what really happened.  Really!  What, you’ve never called on ASSO from the DDA?  Not buying it?  Okay, well, then maybe it went more like this. . .  

MY OPENING REMARK
Mike asked me for my ideas on being more submissive to him.  Speaking first is always a risk, as it often comes with a lot of assumptions about intent.  I’ve learned to always assume a loving intention, especially from Mike.  So clearly, I said something like, “Sir, I have ideas as there are always deeper ways to go with our D/s, but I an concerned my ideas may miss the mark unless I understand more about what you are looking for. I am happy to share them, but my answer may be more valuable to you if  I knew more about what you are feeling and looking for.  

Yes, that would have been a good opening remark.  But. . . instead, I was under the assumption he wanted to add a bunch of new requirements.  In my remarks I was quick to point out that eight months ago we took a lot of time to focus on defining our needs and desires and codifying them in our new Contract.   And we added quite a bit of new requirements for me, which I listed (Here’s some of them, oh, and more are listed on this post).   Those things represent a lot more Dominance on his part.  And now he wants more?

HYPOCRITE? 
I wrote in my last post that a negotiation isn’t about “chips.”  It isn’t, “Look what I did here, and here, and here.  And I’ll concede this chip if you concede that one.”  No, that type of negotiation is about Equality or Sameness — a successful relationship isn’t about those things.  It is about Equity and Fairness.

Well, poop!  I am human.  There is a tendancy to look for any perceived inequalities and then try to use them as a defense for our position (…”but Hillary’s emails!” I digress).   In addition, I was feeling vulnerable.  I took his request as a threat to what we had worked so hard to achieve.  I was comfortable with the status-quo, so suggesting we change it further triggered my defensive response.

BUT – I GIVE MYSELF CREDIT (more precisely, credit to what 3+ years of DD has taught me).  As soon as the words left my mouth I caught myself.  I jokingly told Mike, “Strike that, I want it redacted from the record and I want the jury to be instructed not to consider what I just said.”  Hee-hee.  Humor always helps when you stick your foot in your mouth.  

I said to Mike that none of those things I just stated had any bearing on what he was asking me.  I apologized for bringing them up.  He has always been willing to hear me when I expressed a need for more submission and I want to hear him at this moment.  It isn’t about what we already do for each other, it is about what he is telling me he needs right now.  “And it is difficult for me to recommend more rules or acts of submission when I am unclear on what you are needing.  Can we talk about that first?”   

So we did.

HE WANTS ME TO DO WHAT?
This will probably be disappointing to you.  After all this build up and delay in sharing – what is it that he wanted?    Well, my imagination was running wild when he asked me to suggest some additional submissive acts I could perform.   But when we finally got to talk about it, it was a bit anti-climatic.

His answer to my question regarding what he felt he was needing? … “Um, er., well, I am not really sure.”   Yep.  I thought he would have a list of things he wanted.  He did not.

It is a bit unfair that Mike couldn’t fully articulate what he wanted.  Remember, achieving equity requires knowing what you want.   But sometimes we just need to get it out there to our partners, even if we aren’t quite sure what that “it” is.   At least it got some dialogue rolling.   It took a little time, but we did get to the bottom of it.

RETURNING TO DOMINANT HEADSPACE
Simply put, much like Post 204. Returning to Submissive Head Space, Mike was needing his own “Returning to Dominant Headspace.”    Here is what concluded: 

  • Mike’s statement that he “wanted more Dominance” was the best way he was able to articulate what he was feeling at the time.  After an honest and open discussion he realized that wanting more Dominance didn’t actually mean more Duties and Obligations (at least not for now).  It was more about being consistent in enforcing what we already agreed upon. 
  • Both of us pointed to situations where he was giving more warnings and less spankings.  I hadn’t really noticed, but the more we talked, the more both of us came up with examples.  We also realized there were things I was failing to do that he wasn’t always aware of – I just forgot to tell him because we haven’t been enforcing it, thus I thought it wasn’t important anymore.
  • We decided to pull out the Agreement and go through it, and identify areas where we lost focus.  When we were done, we had a good list of “new” Duties and Obligations that he felt would satisfy what he was looking for.  In addition, they satisfied my submissive needs as well.  Very equitable!  And these things weren’t really new. 

This led us to reflect on what caused us to drift and why did he notice the drift before I did?  This reflection wasn’t to assess blame, but to explore our feelings as it is curious why he sensed a need to increase his Dominance (back to where it once was) and I didn’t sense it had decreased?   Could it be that I actually would like a little less submission?  The short answer is no – but as I rarely give short answers, I will explore that on another post. 

By the end of the Maintenance Session, we agreed we will be paying closer attention to:

  • Respectful Tone and Acknowledgement  
    As referenced by the ASSO ruling, we both agreed my tendency for sarcasm and humor, which he loves and appreciates, was, at times, getting too close or actually crossing the line of respect. 
  • Sexual Obedience
    Mike shared that there is more he wants from me regarding the sex I have with Matt.  I am to be let Matt know that I am willing to do anything Matt asks, with Mike’s permission.  Further,I am to be “on call” for sex with Matt anytime Matt wants it.  Matt just needs to ask Mike and if Mike agrees, they will arrange him to come over or for me to go to his place. 
  • Household Duties
    Mike will be more strict in my compliance – rare warnings, more discipline – as we both cited several examples where he had been more lax over the last several months. 
  • Availability and Awareness / Permission
    I am supposed to let Mike know anytime I leave the house for something that I did not already put on the schedule and get his permission/approval for my schedule.  This is an area I have been lax in reporting to him and he lax in disciplining me.  
  • Leaving Home Reminders
    This is something we did for awhile but stopped doing for no particular reason – just fell out of the habit.  I get a spanking anytime I leave the house, with or without Mike.  And if practical and he is not home, Kayla will spank me, and if she is unable, I will self-spank.  
  • Weigh-in
    This was a simple one but a good example of how we let things slip.  My Maintenance Sessions always included a weigh-in and somewhere down the line we stopped this.  
  • Gracefullness
    I agreed to Walk Gracefully, Sit Down Smoothly, and assume a Pretty Sitting Posture, so much so that I took etiquette classes and even had a private tutor to help me with this.  While I admit I am more graceful in how I carry myself (yes, people have noticed), neither Mike or I have been paying attention lately.
  • Attire
    Mike has always been able to demand that I do not wear a bra or panties when I go out.  Something he rarely asks of me.  He has now decided to make this the default – no bra or panties – unless I have received permission to the contrary.  This is consistent with how he has dealt with Kayla’s dress code.  He did concede that he recognizes the challenges of my being bra-less — significantly larger and saggy boobs vs Kayla — but none-the-less, he wants me to ask for permission before donning a bra.  I anticipate plenty of requests on the bra.  The panties? Well, as long as it isn’t a windy day, hee hee. (remember, I wear skirts and dresses, no pants).
  • Nudity be damned
    Mike said he consciously backed off on either administering a spanking or administering it less strictly so as not to leave marks, opting for more non-physical forms of punishment (corner time, lines, plug, etc)  He also avoided breast punishments for the same reason.  No more!  Both Kayla and I will have to just cover up if there are marks.   J and others understand sometimes you might just feel like wearing something, so such an excuse won’t be questioned.
  • Review his Dominance as part of Maintenance
    Maintenance has been focused on my submission — but my submission is only part of it.  What of his Dominance?  Each session will now include a question from me, “Sir, do you desire any additional ways that I can be more submissive to you?”   He will then ask me if I have any examples of things that happened throughout the week where he could have been more dominant (note:  this is a very different question than if he were to ask me if I could have been more submissive).   After I respond, he will comment on my response and add to it based on his perspective.
    This dialogue should further keep us calibrated, both with each other, and our respective headspace.

In recognition of all that we uncovered, Mike felt it was appropriate to take the DDA’s recommendation.  My sentence?  My Maintenance spanking after our talk was quite significant – let’s just say, I wore clothes the next two days!!

NEXT: Post 264. Won’t you be my (nude) neighbor?

 

262. Give up, give in, or give it all you’ve got!

261

DD ANTIPATICO?
I mentioned I have achieved the right balance of D/s as far as feeding and fulfilling my submissive mindset.  But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?

While I have no doubts that we are one, we are dealing with something we have never dealt with before — we are not quite on the same page in our D/s journey.  I feel I have arrived at the sub I want to be and with the level of discipline that helps me be the person I want to be.  I have never taken it for granted how fortunate I have been to have Mike be on the same page as me.  If I needed a little more, he delivered it.  If I needed less, he backed off.

JEN IS FEELING FUNKY
Feeling like I have achieved my desired level of submission means I am not as emotionally invested in my day-to-day, moment-to-moment thoughts and actions.  I love being submissive and couldn’t imagine backing off of a single rule – but, yes, my enthusiasm has been a bit, “meh!”

It could be my pre-menapausal-hormone-funkiness toying me.  Whatever it is, I feel more like I am physically going through the motions of my duties, obligations and punishments without the same level of emotional connection I once had.

It just came to me — I compare it to a feeling of being on “auto pilot.”  I just don’t have to give my submission any thought.  My submission is part of me.  That’s a good thing – no, that’s a great thing!  I love that!  I’ve been working hard towards that for several years!  But. . . 

Because being submissive is now my default state of mind – a reflex – I am missing the emotional journey of it all.  There are certain emotions I no longer need to visit. The emotions to motivate myself to behave a certain way — no longer needed.  The emotions needed to self-reflect and ponder what I was doing and where things were going – no longer needed.  The many ways I surprised myself or that Mike surprised me as we unwrapped another dimension to our relationship – no longer a surprise.

It reminds me a bit of my feelings as a child with the build up and excitement around the holidays.  Christmas comes, and maybe you get everything you wanted, and when it is over, you are happy, very happy.  But, you miss the build up and excitement of it all.
That’s sorta of where I am at.  Very happy, but without that wonderment, amazement, or doubt that I once had.  Is that a bad thing?  My answer – no.  But. . .

MIKE IS FEELING SPUNKY
Mike told me he wants to explore more Dominance over me.  This is a first for us as until now, it was typically me asking for more Dominance.  Couple this with where I am at with our D/s, and, well – we aren’t eye to eye on what we are doing!  Yikes!

It really goes to how lucky we have been in that this is the first time we are dealing with this in the three plus years since adopting Domestic Discipline.  I know it could be worse – we could be going in opposite directions.  But we aren’t opposite – it is sort like I am wanting to stand still and he is wanting to keep moving.

Mike has had an outlet for his desire to be more Dominant.  Kayla has always enjoyed a deeper submission/more Dominance from Mike.  Mike said that he enjoys where things are with he and Kayla, and has discovered he would like to be a bit more dominant when it comes to he and I.    

He admitted that this feeling is part of what drove him to have me pursue Matt.  While cuck may sound like a submissive act on his part, he feels it is a dominant act to require me to have sex with Matt.  This is also why he loves to give me orders on what to do when he is watching Matt and I.

As we were sitting watching tv, Mike looks over to me and says, “I have been feeling this need to dominate you more.  I am not sure in what ways, but, just this nagging feeling of needing more submission from you.  I want you to come up with some ideas and we can talk more about it at our next Maintenance.”

“Yes, Sir, may I ask a few clarifying questions?”   

“Yes, you may.”

“Are you feeling a need to ramp up any particular area,  such as more rules, or more restrictions, or more acts of service?”

 “To be honest, I don’t have anything specific.  Ideas on any aspect of your submission will suffice. Let’s explore your ideas at Maintenance.”

This was his second time of saying “let’s discuss more at Maintenance.” Thus, I felt I shouldn’t question this further and simply wait until then to discuss.

MY REACTION IN MY HEAD
My initial reaction that I thought to myself was, “Don’t mess with this great thing we have achieved.  We are finally at this point of balance, “of equity,” where I am fulfilled and things are working great.”

Of course, it didn’t take me long to realize that equity isn’t just about my fulfillment.  It does start there, but it doesn’t end there.   

WHAT DOES EQUITY SAY ABOUT THIS?
I have to give my relationship with Mike everything it needs to be successful.  Not because Mike demands it, but because I demand it of myself (and we expect it from each other).  So what does my relationship need here?  Well, it needs MY needs to be met, and it needs Mike’s needs to be met.  And based on what he said, those needs are a bit unbalanced right now as far as our D/s goes. 

Three ways to reconcile this:

  1. GIVE UP
    I don’t ever give this option any thought, but keep in mind it is always an option one has.  If something is important enough and you are so dissatisfied by it, then “going nuclear” and giving up the relationship is always an option.
    .
  2. GIVE IN
    Part of me is leaning towards this.  After all, the irony wasn’t lost on me that we have had this exact conversation many, many times before — except it was reversed, with me seeking more submission.  Mike was always willing to listen to me and incorporate my wishes with whatever he was willing to do.  I should grant him the same consideration he has always granted me.  That is equitable, right?    There is nothing wrong with “giving in” as long as it is not something you feel strongly about.  When Mike “gave in” to my requests for him to discipline me, he wasn’t abandoning a deeply held conviction to not doing so.  While it wasn’t in his nature, he was willing to explore with me and give it a try.I feel I have worked very hard to find the level of submission that works for me. I like where our D/s and DD is at.  As a result, I feel deeply invested in the efforts to get where we are today and I am not inclined to just give in.

    We also just went through our Contract renegotiation exercise eight months ago after a lot of time and energy went in to expressing and codifying what we wanted.  I am already a lot more submissive now than before that Contract.  I love that, but am not looking for more.

    In this case, my giving in is not an option.  Mike could also give in, but honestly, I don’t want him to just for my sake.  He expressed this need within him, and I want to help him fulfill it.  We just have to figure it out.  I want him to be vulnerable enough to express things I may not agree with, so the worst thing for me to do is trying to shut him down on this issue.  I appreciate he is telling me what he needs, and I want to help him fulfill his needs. So, him giving in also not an option.
     

  3.  GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT  (i.e., negotiate)
    When #1 and #’2 aren’t options, then you simply need to seek alternative solutions.  That is what a negotiation is. And, to truly give it all you got, you have to bring all of yourself to the negotiation.  That means, you guess it, more vulnerability.
    .
    We both have been extremely honest about our needs and desires.  Not just sharing what they are, but what they mean to us and how they make us feel.  At the same time we appreciate what the other person’s needs and desires mean to them and how they make them feel.
    .
    You must have vulnerability, honesty, and love as a foundation for a “negotiation.”  With that foundation, negotiation doesn’t mean we hoard our chips and say,  “I’ll give you this one if you give me that one.”  That’s “equality” creeping in.  You aren’t looking to achieve an equal solution, you are looking to achieve an equitable one.  No keeping score!The result is you freely give the relationship the “chips” you are able to give without compromising your overall needs or with expectations of getting a chip in return.

THE RESULT
We worked it out.    Yeah, in prior posts when I first started alluding to this issue, it hadn’t yet been resolved.  But now it has.   

SO JEN, WTF IS IT THAT HE WANTS?
Oh, yeah.  You probably wonder what are these “more dominant” things we wants?    I think that makes for another good cliffhanger!  Ha!   Seriously, I purposely didn’t want to get into what the specific things were.

I didn’t want you to put your own value on whether the specific things I suggested or that he had in mind were reasonable or not.  It doesn’t matter what value you put on them – and frankly, it doesn’t matter what value I put on them.  What matters is the fact that Mike valued them.  Whatever it is he needs as a Dom is no more or less important than what I need as a sub.

WHAT ARE YOU IMAGINING?
But — I will share what those things are in another post.  In the meantime, it gives me a bit of thrill to think of all the crazy, sick, and twisted things you are likely imagining.  Imagine away!  Feel free to comment and share what you are imagining, if you dare!

Next: 263.  Returning to Dominant Headspace: He wants me to do what?

258. Planning Immersion III – Surprise, surprise, surprise

Immerse3

We are preparing for our third annual “immersion.”  Check out Immersion 1 (Posts 31, Post 32, and Post 34) and Immersion 2 (Post 150, Post 151, and Post 152). 

J will be spending time at my parents house, our recent-grad, T2, will have already moved out by then, thus we are temporarily empty-nesters.  When the kids are away, the adults shall play!  Um, well, play even more than we already do, we just won’t have to be stealthy about it. 

I went into last year’s immersion invigorated and excited.  This year?  Just not feeling as excited.  I think in some ways I am “explored out.”  There isn’t really anything new I am yearning to explore.  However, I still look forward to it, just not with the same amount of gusto.  I love the intense submission of it all and there are some activities I look forward to repeating. 

I shared this with Mike and he got all giddy and said, “Then I will take it as a challenge to find some new and interesting things for you.”   He reminded me that part of our goal of each immersion is to explore new sensations and experiences to help us all identify and separate what is pleasurable versus tolerable – as well as what is tolerable versus what is intolerable.  

We make it fun and “brand” each immersion with a theme, (last year’s was Entering the Forbidden Zone).  Prompted by my less than stellar enthusiasm, Mike chose the theme this year of “Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!”  I have to admit, it did raise my enthusiasm to have to wait and see what all Mike has in store for Kayla and I.  

Kayla is very excited – much more than I am.  She really loved last years Immersion and still talks a lot about it.  She would prefer more role-playing, age play/ABDL, and humiliation stuff, but that is difficult to do regularly with a child in the house so Immersion is a great time to explore those things.  Mike said we will revisit some of the things we did last year, but he will have some new experiences for us all.   

He once again rented the same place we stayed at last year. Funny, but one of the things that made that place so fun was that it was secluded and we could run around naked outside.  That was such a novelty a year ago and now is like, “but of course!”  Anytime we have the opportunity, naked will be a “go to” state.  Which, speaking of nudism, leads me to something else to share – – – 

NEIGHBORHOOD NUDITY
After our vacation, Mike has gone “all in” on adopting nudity.  He really loves it and appreciates the positive influence it has on J’s behavior.  Mike said it is inconvenient to have to put something on if he needs to go get something from the tool shed, or if any of us simply want to be outdoors in our back yard.  As a result, Mike tasked me with talking to my neighbors and get their permission for us to be naked in our backyard. 

Our yard is pretty well shielded from the neighbors, but there are spots viewable from THREE different neighbors.  Thankfully large trees and the slope of the land hide us from more views.  One of our neighbors is John and Donna, so no problem there.

That leaves TWO other houses with views into our backyard.  Luckily, I know one of these neighbors pretty well and feel comfortable talking to them about this – however, I don’t know the other one real well – and she has the biggest view into our yard.  I have probably talked to her four or five times in 15 years.  Anyway, that will be an awkward conversation.

I’ll let you know how these talks go.  Mike gave me to the end of the week to talk to them. While one of these conversations will be uncomfortable, I think it is wonderful that Mike has embraced this.  It is very un-Mike like.  I think this vulnerability thing is rubbing off on him!  

Next: Post 259 More Mike

251. . . . and sometimes reminders do have to be spankings

251

Routines are comfortable, that’s why we like them.  But there are benefits to mixing things up.  “Studies show” when you change things up, you coax your brain into thinking more creatively.  This injection of creativity can improve your mood and outlook.  Yeah, sometimes change just for the sake of change, is good. 

I put “studies show” in quotes because, I don’t know if there are any studies backing up what I just wrote.  I thought it added credibility to a plausible statement.  Hey, at least I admit it. 

Although, I do recall reading somewhere that forcing your brain to make new connections does have positive effects on brain function and well-being.  So there, it must be true if I recall reading it somewhere!  “Studies show…” and “I read…” are always followed by highly credible and accurate statements!  I know it because I once read a study about it.  

NEW THURSDAY MAINTENANCE
I shared in the post before last, that Mike changed up my Thursday Maintenance.  It is now a “family” meeting of sorts with Kayla and I.   A time to talk about our collective relationship(s), connect and bond in some dedicated triad discussion time.

If you read that post, you know that it was more than just discussion.  It was very erotic in a way that we have never experienced before – Kayla and I simply following every sexual request made by Mike.  I mean, we’ve followed his commands before, “do this…” “do that…”  but not an entire series of sexual acts based only on his commands and not just out of the blue.  It was totally unexpected, but totally fun!  I thought perhaps this would be how each of our Thursday sessions would begin. 

I thought wrong.

OUR SECOND NEW THURSDAY MAINTENANCE SESSION
Kayla and I undressed and Mike remained clothed, as is customary for a Maintenance.  Like last time, Mike had two chairs arranged facing the chair he would sit in.  The three of us sat down.  With my mind on thoughts of  last Thursday, I was looking forward to what Mike would say next. 

“Kayla, stand up, turn around, bend over and put your palms on the chair. Butt out.”
Mike takes off his belt and hands it to me.  “Now Jen, spank her.” 

“Give her 10 and they need to be hard enough so that anyone looking at her butt could tell that she was just spanked with a belt.  If they aren’t hard enough, you’ll repeat the 10 and keep doing so until I am satisfied with the result.  And, if it takes any extra spankings beyond the first 10 for you to achieve my desired result, I will be adding it to the spankings I will administer to both of you.  Understood?”

“Yes, Sir.”  In-so-much that I didn’t exactly follow the math but I understood the point that it meant more spankings for both of us if he wasn’t satisfied with the results.

I started spanking her and at about five, Mike said, “You are going to have to hit harder than that if it is going to leave any marks by ten.”   I increased my intensity.  It has been a long time since I have spanked Kayla.  Maybe eight or nine months?    

“When I was done he got up and closely inspected Kayla’s butt.  “Not good enough, I don’t see anything.  10 more, now.”

“Yes, Sir.”  I spanked her much harder this time, enough to elicit an occasional “Eee!” and “Ow!”  No need for Mike to inspect.  The red marks were clear.

“Jen, give the belt to Kayla and you take position and she will spank you.  Kayla, same thing.  I need to see clear evidence that she was spanked or you get more from me.

Kayla gave me ten.

Mike took a look and said, “Kayla, come on now, I could tell you weren’t putting enough into it and look, I don’t see any redness or mark.  Now give her 10 more and make it count.”

Kayla gave me ten and boy did they count.  Mike then took the belt and told me to stay in position as I had ten coming from him since I failed to spank Kayla hard enough the first time.  Instead of handing Kayla his belt, he went and got the tawse and handed it to Kayla.  

“Kayla, you will smack that cheek with the tawse and I will smack this one with the belt.  It will be ten, but ten on each cheek, and the cheek you are striking better be more red than the one I am doing or we will repeat this.  

I took my 20 — 10 on each cheek – and my butt was stinging.  In looking back, I credit my submissive mindset to the fact I no longer was trying to process why he was doing this.  I simply accepted it, just as I accepted the sex play last Thursday.  No need to question. Just acceptance. It felt good to just acquiesce and accept. 

Then it was my turn to spank Kayla with the tawse, and again, Mike used the belt and we alternated smacks on our assigned cheek.  Kayla’s face told me she was accepting the spankings much like I was.  No sign of puzzlement or distress.  Only signs of obedience and submission.  It felt good to see that in her.  

Once Kayla’s spanking was done, Mike told us both to sit. 

 As if nothing just happened, Mike calmly said, “So.  Let’s talk,” 

ACTUAL TALKING
We proceeded to discuss the weeks events, upcoming plans, how we were feeling about submission, our relationship, life in general.  How school and things were going for Kayla, what our collective thoughts were on Matt, nudism, you name it.   Very nice discussion, but not as nice as what led up to it!

Neither Kayla nor I asked what that was about.  We knew what it was about.  It was about his Dominance and our submission. 

Sometimes reminders DO have to be spankings!

REFLECTION
A part of me is curious about our last two Thursday sessions.  Not curious about why Mike conducted them the way that he did, but about what is in store for future sessions.  I also feel that my lack of curiosity regarding “why” is a great sign of where I am at submissive-wise.  I don’t need or desire explanation.  I only need and desire obedience and submission.  This feels so good!

Uh-oh!  Pre-DD Jenny just threw up a little in her mouth.  Well pre-DD Jenny, you only wish you were as fulfilled, happy, optimistic, excited, and energized about life as I am.

Next: 252.  Still there? The Naked Caravan