195. In Memoriam

rose

Mike’s mom passed away.  He lost is dad to start this year, and now his mom as the year comes to an end.  It was unexpected with his dad, and while not a complete surprise with his mom, we thought we would still have three or four more months.  

Suffice to say the mood has been somber, and Mike has had much to deal with regarding settling the estate.  It has put a bit of a damper on things.  D/s has sort of been put aside.  Kayla and I continue to serve him, but there is not the same energy or vibe.  He has not had the energy or interest in discipline, not that we’ve given him much in terms of behaviors he would normally need to address.  He dismisses the “minor” things and says, “Please don’t do that again, I really don’t want to deal with that right now.”  That actually hurts more than a spanking.   

We did get to meet Michaud as he attended the funeral and other gatherings.  Although the circumstances were not conducive to really getting to know him,  by all accounts he seems to be a great boyfriend for Kayla.  And yes, they did “consummate” their relationship. 

Things were slowly getting back into a normal routine.  It’s strange but I actually miss being naked most of the day.  I have stayed clothed because our middle son was home several days, and lots of people were coming and going.   And just about the time that was lessening and the bits of the normal routine were returning, Thanksgiving week is  upon us.  So, my naked hiatus and toned down D/s will extend about another week. 

Thanksgiving will be a little less festive, although Mike’s mom gave us all strict orders to have a joyful holiday.  There was a lot of honor, respect, and love in her last week.  Lots of meaningful conversations on what she wanted for everyone once she was gone.  

She had no conflicted thoughts, no panic, no fear.  She just exuded joy in her last weeks and days, and in return, so did others.  Everyone was focused on sharing joy, and on how what we did and said impacted her.  This made for a beautiful farewell.   

That’s how it should be.  That’s how I’d want it to be.  But it had an unintended consequence.  With everyone focused on celebrating her life, on squeezing every ounce of joy from every second that remained, it meant no one was really thinking about her passing.  Once she was gone, it was as if she died unexpectedly.  That crescendo of joy was now just empty silence.    

 

 

194. Primal Scream!

194


CAME OUT
In Post 132 I wrote about being with a group of my girl friends and telling them that Mike and I had “this couple”  (John and Donna), with whom we would swap and have sex with.  I didn’t tell them about my submission at that time.  My revelation was still contrary to the agreement Mike and I have so I was subsequently punished.  

BEING OUT
Our new Contract marks a phase of a bit more openness with our submission.  I am very submissive to him even in public.  I’ve found most people are oblivious or just don’t care.  A rare wrinkled eyebrow or wide-eyed look.  I actually enjoy answering a waiter or waitress with, “My sir will choose my order for me.”  I often think that they assume his name must by Mycer.  Ha. 

COMING OUT
Around family, I tone it down a little, but not much.  We anticipate with the holidays approaching our two older sons will be around us quite a bit.  We will probably have some explaining to do.   We are prepared to talk with them, albeit at a high level.  I don’t have concerns about it.  I expect bewilderment, but they’ll accept it and move on.  

We really do need to tell them because we want to make sure they hear it from us.  Another recent change is that Mike has allowed Kayla to tell anyone she wants.  The caveat being not just shouting it out for now reason, but if she is questioned, she is to answer truthfully.  Mostly just yes/not stuff, not like a complete download on everything involved in our relationship and her dynamic.  

By the way, I have an upcoming luncheon with my “gal pals.” I asked Mike if , for this luncheon, I could be subject to the guidelines he gave to Kayla.  They already know about our “swinging,” and if the conversation came up again, I want to be able to honestly answer questions about that and even DD, D/s. Mike said he would allow it.  Knowing these friends as I do, I can guarantee it will come up. 

ROSE COLORED GLASSES
I’ve written before about explaining my dynamic to my sisters (Post 116 and Post 121).   I was recently talking with my sister, the one who reads my blog, and she observed that I seem to put such a happy and joyful “spin” on my discipline.  I told her it was not spin.  I do find happiness and joy in it.   She said, “I get it, but come on, all the time?”

Hum.  I know I’ve shared some of the challenges on my blog.  I think I’ve been fair and showing it is not always never-ending joy.  There are some pit stops along the joyful path and I believe I share the ones that have the most impact on the journey.  But it got me thinking.  In reviewing my posts, especially the more resent ones, I have to agree with sis.   I have a bias towards sharing the good.  But that’s mainly because there has been so much good lately.  But even if there’s some down spots, so what?  It’s my blog and I’d rather share the triumphs, not the tragedies. 

Well sis, I’ll take those rose-colored glasses off for a moment and see what it is I can see.

FREAKING OUT
I know I’ve shared before that there are a lot of inconveniences in this dynamic.

Here’s one.  We keep robes in our closet by our front door since Kayla and I are naked most of the time.  We need quick access to cover if someone comes knocking.  I’ve gone to get the robe only to realize I put it in the wash. I run quickly, naked through the house to my closet to find something I throw on.

And strictly adhering to all the rules and scheduling can be stressful when you are having “one of those days” where, despite your best efforts, the surprise-gods keeps challenging your adherence.  And the journals?  I got into the habit of carrying sticky notes and a pen with me so I can jot down things that I need to put in my journal.  Oh but wait, I CAN’T CARRY IT AROUND. I am naked!   Where did I put that notepad? Where’s a pen?  By the time I find it, several more unsubmissive thoughts come to mind that I now need to write down. Let alone the self-reported acts of disobedience.  Like I am not spanked enough?  

And what is with the very hard spankings with the same implement over and over?  Mike tends to alternate his go-to implement, but it’s time to go to the next one in the rotation.  His current favorite is a beast! It hurts, and he is striking hard.  While Mike is delivering fewer spanks, they are way harder than before.  What, he doesn’t want to be bothered a few extra minutes to give a more prolonged, but lower impact, spanking? 

Okay, I will admit there is an upside to that.  I know exactly what I am in for when I disobey.  While the unknown can be unsettling and add to the anticipation that feeds my submissive mindset, sometimes the known can have the same impact.  Knowing what he is going to use and how hard it is going to be also adds anticipation that feeds my submissive mindset.  So i guess it is a win-win, but still, can we change it up a little?What’s happened to the tack bra or various other alternative punishments?   

And all these soapings.  Any act of disobedience that involves something I say now results in a soaping.   I get the connection. The words came from my mouth, let’s clean your mouth.  Okay, that was clever the first half-dozen times.  And the pee rinse and drink? Isn’t that just a bit excessive?  

And really, I get that I want to submit fully, without exceptions. But at times it feels like Mike is looking for reasons versus just dealing with the things that are obvious.  Yes, I get a tickle in my submissive mindset and nether-regions when Mike is so authoritarian and demanding, but still, my butt needs a break.  

And doesn’t Mike realize that many skirts and dresses require special washing or drying instructions? I can’t always throw them in the washer or dryer without risk of  ruining them.  Hand wash or wash separately?  Tumble dry low or hang to dry?  I can’t spend all day doing laundry.   

Oh, and “gracefulness.” Oh my, gracefulness. Really?  I can’t even sit and relax without thinking, “Watch your posture,” Don’t cross at the knees,” “Where do my hands go again?”  Christ, I am just trying to sit down!   

And another thing, putting make up on first thing in the morning?  Sure, I’ve mastered the 4-minute makeup routine, sometimes get it done in three. Here’s a great tip, to look immediately more awake, I apply a nude-colored eye liner directly to my waterline.  — Makeup- Jenny Style!  I digress.   Unless Mike is working from home I see him all of a few minutes in the morning.  All that rush for him?

And finally this weight loss thing.  What?  You think I am fat?  You want me at my “wedding day weight?”  Well bud, I lost about 8 pounds to look like I did on our wedding date. That’s not my baseline weight.  Now I have to lose 18 in three months?  Or what, I get my fat ass spanked?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phew!    That felt good. 

Well sis, how about ‘dem rose colored glasses?   HA!

DISCLOSURE
This post was with the full consent and permission of Mike, my loving Sir. He told me to use my sisters comment as an opportunity to say what I think pre-DD Jenny would have to say about our dynamic.  He felt it would be good to just let it rip and said it would probably match what a lot of vanilla readers think when they read my blog.   

Consider it a parody.  As with all parody’s, there is an element of truth.  Yes, being submissive can be hard. But honestly, I LOVE every one of the things I riled against. I love serving my husband in crazy, extreme ways. I love the challenge, and I love the level of attention it requires.

There is a dichotomy in submission.  Despite the fact it is challenging and requires a lot of attention, it can also be very effortless.  And recently, it has felt that way — effortless.  I think when my DD crossed over from effort to effortless, I knew I achieved the level of submission that was right for me.  The work and attention it requires is now a reflex.  Not a 100% reliable reflex, but still a reflex.  Remember, progress, not perfection!

NEXT: 195. In Memoriam

193. Lovebirds and spankings

A quick Kayla and Michaud update and then a rapid fire account of some discipline I received recently.

LOVEBIRDS

Kayla and Michaud continue their real-world-platonic / virtual-sex relationship.  They hang out quite a bit, but Kayla is conscientious of her studies and her duties at home, albeit slightly reduced duties. Overall she is balancing everything very well.  

We’ve all been tested and some results are in (all negative as expected). Mike’s and Kayla’s should be in today or tomorrow.  I know it takes some of the romance out of it, but, although unspoken, it is clear to everyone that this weekend should mark their first time having sex with each other.  It will mark a further deepening of their relationship.  A relationship that is clearly different than most and that has me fascinated, thus my fixation on sharing every detail.   (Thank you, Kayla, for allowing me to do so). 

By the way, although Michaud has an apartment (and a male roommate), Kayla has no plans to stay there overnight any time soon.  A girl’s got to have limits!   She already told Michaud “no overnights.”  She didn’t say it would necessarily be forever, but she wanted to hold that out for a possibility in the future if the relationship continues to flourish. 

Mike and I liked this idea.  Mike could have made this decision for her, but he specifically said he isn’t looking to prohibit what Kayla wants for herself regarding this relationship.  Kayla must keep us informed,and many things must be discussed.  But the focus is on understanding her desires and helping her with the potential challenges. It is not about trying to impose limits. She is 23 and can handle her own relationships.  Kayla is happy with this arrangement but made it clear she wants to be accountable to Mike for her behaviors and desires regarding her relationship with Michaud.  

MY DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE
Oh yeah, this is mainly a blog about me and my DD, not Kayla.   Boring, right? My stuff is old news.  Yawn.   Well, sorry, I am still writing about it. 

After a really good start under our latest Contract, I have found I have fumbled a bit more lately.  Mainly because Mike gave me a bit of a grace period to fully incorporate a lot of my new Duties and Obligations.  That grace period is over.  

ASKING VERSUS TELLING
My Contract requires that I shall not refer to requests made by Mike as “requests” or as being “asked” to do something.  I am to refer to such requests as “orders,” “instructions,” “demands,” or as Mike “telling” me something.   This applies to the blog as well. 

Mike went through what I’ve posted since the new contract started.  He found four references where I wrote of him “asking” me things.  The only exception he has given me is if he is actually posing a question.  I am thankful for that because it would be clunky to say or write a question as a command.  For example, if he asked me, “Where would you like to go this weekend?” I would have to say or write “Mike commanded me to tell him where I would like to go this weekend”  Luckily he said I could pose actual questions he had as being “asked” by him.  But when it comes to things he wants me to do, those are never to be portrayed as him “asking.”

SPANK! And I had to write 40 lines, 10 for each error he found.

FAKE IT UNTIL MAINTENANCE
I earned a spanking one day as Mike felt I was being “less than joyful” about my homemaker duties.  I said something in a negative manner about needing to get some laundry done.  I spoke in a “frustrated and stress filled tone.” 

I am not to communicate to anyone that my homemaker duties are a burden or inconvenience, let alone communicate that to Mike.  If indeed I am feeling overwhelmed by these duties or anything, I can speak to Mike about it at a Maintenance Session.   

SPANK! And, as is becoming the norm, anything related to words I say also come with a mouth soaping. 

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. / Public Spanking!
Mike and I were talking to a sales rep at a store when my cell phone rang.  Mike was mid-sentence, explaining something that he wanted my feedback on and as a reflex, I answered the phone without any thought.  As soon as I said, “Hello,” I realized I messed up.  I promptly said I would call them back and hung up.  I said, “Sorry, Sir, I shouldn’t have answered, you were saying?”

I figured I was in for a spanking when we got home, but Mike had other ideas.  He finished what he was saying, and the conversation continued for a bit, but he clearly looked annoyed.  He then told the sales associate that we needed to “attend to something” and would be right back.

SPANK!   But, in this case, I’ll share the details, because it was atypical.  I’ve only been spanked a few times in public.  Not that anyone saw, but, well, read on . . . 

He clasped his hand across my wrist and clearly “led” me as he briskly and with purpose walked me out.  I was very aware that anyone paying attention could clearly see something was wrong, like a mad parent dragging their unruly child out of the store.  Only difference was that Mike’s look was determined, but not mad.  And other than pursing my lips and looking guilty, there wasn’t anything unruly about me.  While I sense no one paid attention to us at all, I still felt like I was being paraded through the store on a walk of shame.  Even though I knew I was in for some sort of punishment, there was a part of me that found this exhilarating.

It was a fairly crowded parking lot.  I remained silent as he led me to the car and told me to get in the back.  He backed out of the spot and drove to a new spot in a more isolated part of the parking lot.  There were still plenty of cars around us, but clearly a quieter part of the parking lot. 

He opened the back door and told me to lay down on the back seats, stomach down.  He then reached into the car, pulled up my skirt, and pulled down and completely removed my panties. He then closed the back door and he entered the car in the front.  He grabbed his “car stick,” from under the seat,  reached over from the front seat to the back of the car, and struck my bottom about 15 times with a medium force, akin to some warm up swats.

The “car stick” is a non-descript  piece of wood that wouldn’t necessarily be construed as a paddle that Mike keeps in the car just for situations like this.  Since it is just a piece of wood it gives us plausible deniability if someone asks what it is. “Oh, that piece of wood, how did that get left in there,” is our scripted response if asked by kids or anyone else. 

After the initial set of spankings, he lectured me on how disrespectful I was.  He then spanked me very hard several times.  He stopped for moment, looked around, and seeing everything was clear, spanked me hard several more times.   My eyes were watery and my nose got a bit runny, but it wasn’t an actual cry.  Sort of cry-ish.  He then told me to pull down my skirt and leave my panties off.

As he led me back to the store he told me I must apologize to the sales associate.  Oh – I didn’t mention – the sales associate was a young woman, maybe 20-ish.  She looked younger than Kayla.  While I got a bit of a thrill demonstrating my submissiveness by apologizing to Mike and calling him “Sir” in front of  her, the thought of apologizing to her freaked me out a little.

We went into the store and found the sales associate we were working with.  I felt like my eyes had dried but I wasn’t sure.  I was thankful for my conservative skirt.  I have exhibition fantasies but this wasn’t the place for a pussy-slip or to show my ass.  I wasn’t sure what Mike was expecting me to say to the associate.  When she came up to us I  told her, “Ma’am, I am sorry for the interruption I caused when my husband was speaking.  He would like to continue the conversation now.”

She paused for a few seconds, as if she was trying to process what they heck I was doing.  She snapped out of the mini-trance and said slowly, with small gaps between each word, “Oh, that’s quite alright, no need to apologize.”  And she looked to Mike and said in the same, gap-filled manner, “So, you were saying…?” 

I would love to go back to the store and ask her what her perceptions are regarding what happened.  I guess I’ll never know.

When we left the store Mike told me my discipline was not over.  He told me to go to my room when we got home as he would spank me one more time, administer a mouth soaping, and give me time in the corner to reflect with my triple clamps (nipples and clit) tightly fastened.

I have received an awful lot of soapings lately.  And yes, they all come with the “special rinse.”  I get that a soaping is very symbolic when the disobedience has something to do with what I say or don’t say, but I am beginning to dread them.  It seems like even up to a  day or two later I will occasionally get this phantom soap taste in my mouth.

I am taking these slip ups well.  I previously wrote that the thought of messing up was really disconcerting to me. I so much want to serve Mike in the ways in which I have agreed to serve him.   But the successes so far outweigh the failures that I’ve been okay with the handful of errors.  I don’t like them.  I’d prefer not to have them, but perfection is not realistic.  I am loving our new agreement and being so attuned to following and serving Mike.

Oh, and my weight loss is up to 4.5 pounds in three weeks.  Almost half a pound ahead of schedule.  Just 13.5 to go over 10 weeks.  I am stepping up the exercise but will need to do more as Thanksgiving is right around the corner!

NEXT:  194. Primal Scream!!
  

 

 

 

192. Vanquish the Negativity

192

Failure to understand the problem impedes any attempts to solve it.

If you’ve read enough of my posts, especially ones I’ve filed under Random Ruminations, I am someone who gets to the bottom of what I am feeling.  I keep at it until I am satisfied that I can reconcile what it was that triggered that emotion.   The reason I am that way is because I believe negative feelings are always symptoms of a problem. They are never the problem themselves.  Shining the brightest possible light on your feelings will help you get to the root of the problem.   

JENNY PSYCHOLOGY 
I am quick to play armchair psychologist.  I don’t have a degree in psychology, (but I was a school counselor and have a master’s in guidance and counseling).  So yeah, enough to play an expert on my blog.   No offense to you real experts out there.  Hey, if you disagree, then share your comments!

Example: “It makes me angry when you do x.”

You can deal with the symptom of anger by simply avoiding x.    Problem solved. Or is it?
More than likely, x will recur, and again you get angry.  In fact, other things may occur and you get angry at that as well.

Or, you can find out why x makes you angry.  You are likely to find it was rooted in far more than x.  There was a y and z that you didn’t realize were there.  Now address the root causes of  y and z, and suddenly, not only does x no longer anger you, but you are no longer unsettled by y and z that were subconsciously nagging at you.   Result- you are a happier you!

FIND YOUR TRUTH (Hint: it isn’t always going to easily reveal itself)
The challenge is having an open and honest dialogue with yourself.  
Typically, this is where it goes wrong as the first fault is typically yours.  You fail to be honest with yourself, thus you justify your anger instead of confronting it.  To successfully confront it, you need to ask yourself “Why?” and whatever the answer, ask yourself again, “But why?” and then again, “But why?”  Keep doing it until whatever you are thinking soundly resonates with your soul. That’s when you know you’ve found your truth.

If you are honest with yourself, now you have to deal with being honest with others, and they must be honest with you.  That’s two more potential faults to overcome.  And where does all this honesty come from so that you can avoid the faults?   Hey, if you read my blog, I don’t have to say it.  Here it comes.  It’s that “V” word again. Vulnerability.  Many, many posts dedicated to that topic (just Google ddjennifer vulnerability). Lastly, sometimes all the vulnerability and honesty just isn’t enough.  That’s where I was with this.  I was stuck in trying to reconcile what I was feeling.   


I realized that I typically post about my feelings after I have reconciled them.  Thus, I probably come across as always joyful, always positive, etc.  Well,
I am a joyful and positive person, but of course there are times I have to deal with stuff. 

This time, I posted before I worked through my issues.  Reason being was I was feeling stuck.  In other words, despite my best efforts I wasn’t connecting to the core of what I was truly feeling.  I had to really work through reconciling my feelings over the events I shared on my last post.    Writing about it helped. After I wrote about it, it just took one final talk with the three of us and it all started to come into focus.

REALIZATIONS
Here is a summary of the “mental walk” I went on:

PART 1:  My feelings about Kayla

  • Sex that is raw, wild, and even crude, is not unfamiliar to me.  The three of us have been plenty “freaky.”  We have watched and have been watched by each other.  So it wasn’t the “rawness” that bothered me regarding Kayla, I am sure of that.
  • I believe for me it “crossed a line” because it encroached on the “sanctity” of the Discipline Ceremony and Discipline Integrity.  However, those terms are unique to my Contract, not Kayla’s. 
  • While Kayla’s submission has always been a “deeper, darker” submission than mine, until that moment her punishments still followed in the spirit of my ceremony and integrity.
  • Part of what I was feeling was disconnected from what was happening.  That disturbed me.  But as I think about it now, I don’t have a right to require such as connection.  That connection is a bonus, not an obligation that Mike or Kayla has to me. 
  • Her needs are different from Mike.  She is not me.  Mike has been phenomenal in treating us based on our unique needs and personalities.  I do not want Kayla to be treated like me, nor do I want to be treated like her.   
  • My feelings that were at the root of my lack of compersion for what Kayla was experiencing were reasonable in the moment.  It was just something I never experienced before so it shook me a little.  I was thinking, “Does she really like that?” “Is that what she wants?”   
  • Upon reflection, I see those questions were rooted in a bit of selfishness on my part.  “I” didn’t like that.  “I” don’t want that.  Thus, my selfish feelings disconnected me from the joy I normally feel for Kayla’s pleasure.     
  • I rejoice in Kayla’s happiness with her dynamic with Mike.  I believe if I were to witness that incident again, I will feel joy for Kayla.

Part 2:  My feelings about Mike

  • Although the rawness and forcefulness no longer bothered me regarding Kayla, it still bothered me regarding Mike.  It was like I was watching a part of him I hadn’t seen before.  That was unsettling as we’ve been married 26 years and experienced a lot of things sex-wise. 
  • Clearly, I did not like watching him delivering discipline and having sex in the manner he was doing it.  But my initial reaction was more than just dislike.  The word that resonated when I thought of it was “safe.”  In that moment, I didn’t feel safe. In other words, I felt threatened.   Now that I had a word for my feeling, I can work on resolution. 
  • To clarify, feeling threatened is not the same as feeling jealous, although they are close cousins of one another.  Feeling threatened can come from jealousy, but it can come from other places to.  
  • In this case, since I most connected to the word “safe” I believe the threatening feeling was rooted in fear. Fear in that this was what Mike liked. This was what he wants. Not from Kayla, but from me.  And since I did not have any positive feelings about what I was seeing, I was fearful that I could soon be in Kayla’s place, experiencing that kind of sex with discipline.  
  • I will do a lot of things for Mike that are not what I would choose absent Mike’s demands.   The act of doing them is an act of submission.   The boundless joy and fulfillment I get from the submission completely negates any thoughts about my own preferences.  My overarching preference is to do as he demands, not do as I prefer absent his demands.  BUT — 
  • There are limits.  And this is one of them.  Mike and I talked about not mixing sex with discipline. I even wrote a little bit about it back in April 2016, as sex started to intertwine with our DD (POST 14).   We never talked a whole lot about it because our early talks were very clear and we understood each other.  Thus, it was a non-issue until this incident.  
  • Mike and I had an honest discussion and he agreed that we would continue to keep sex and discipline distinct in our DD.  He said he had no desire to mix them and in addition, knows that I don’t either.  
  • Mike is not promising he won’t do this again.  He might incorporate the two with Kayla, but now feels this should be relegated to a rare exception.  While Kayla enjoyed it, as did he, he understands the value of keeping them separate.  In fact, he said that after seeing how Kayla reacted– she was very into it–  withholding sex when she is getting turned on by the discipline will serve as another punishment all by itself. He just will have to be more diligent with any urges he is feeling.  

So there you have it.  I fully accept what happened.  In hindsight I am pleased that it worked for Kayla and Mike.  Further, I can accept a recurrence of it, with the caveat that it remains an exception.  I still believe I will have an issue with it if it were an everyday thing.  Both Mike and Kayla understand why that is, and at this point they agree that they don’t want it to be a “go to” thing.  With that, I am closing the file on this emotional incident and stamping it, “Vanquished!”

BUT WHY?
P.S.  This post didn’t get into why I want to keep sex and discipline distinct.  The three of us had a lot to share about that.  Suffice to say, it’s just how I am wired.  Since there was consensus, we saw no need to dive further into why it should or shouldn’t be distinct.  Such a deeper dive would have been necessary if Mike or Kayla felt differently.  I wonder what the discussion would have been if we needed this deeper dive, but there is no value in speculating.   Everyone is happy with the outcome.  That is, assuming we were open, honest, and vulnerable to each other,   Based on our history, I feel confident we were.

NEXT: 193. Lovebirds and Spankings

191. Spanking, sex, and a question

It’s not all happy, happy, joy, joy.

I often write about how wonderful life is.  It is.
I often write about how fulfilling my submission is.  It is.
I write about trusting Mike’s decisions.  Whether or not I agree, I accept.
I write about the compersion I feel from Mike and Kayla sharing love (and sex).  Their relationship brings me joy.

BUT, something happened recently that unsettled me.

SPANK
It was a few nights ago, J was asleep.  Kayla was being spanked by Mike.  There are many times we have seen each other being spanked, but we don’t go out of our way to watch.  Often, when one of us is being disciplined the other tries to give some space so as not to interrupt the mood of the disciplining session.

Bedtime was closing in and I needed to shower and prepare for bed.  I walked into the bedroom and saw Kayla bent over, elbows on the bed, and Mike preparing to spank her.  I quickly trotted into the bathroom, closed the door, and showered.

When I finished I did not hear sounds of spanking, but I heard very light, short, high-pitched sounds.  It took me a few seconds to place it.   It was Kayla.  I thought, “Oh, Mike must have ordered her to masturbate.”  I opened the bathroom door and walked into the bedroom to see Kayla in the same position, bent over, elbows on the bed.  And Mike was behind her, fucking her.

SEX
I’ve seen them have sex many times.  But it was odd that they were having sex right after a punishment.  That’s not something we normally do as we generally keep sex and discipline separate.

I stood there and watched.  Mike pulled out and away, reached over and grabbed his belt, and started spanking her again.  I was shocked.  It wasn’t just sex after a spanking, but sex as part of the discipline.

Mike saw that I was watching, and told me to bring him the flogger.  As I walked it over to him, he flipped Kayla over on her back.  He told her to spread her legs and he proceeded to flog her thighs and her pussy.  Not too hard, but enough to cause her to writhe a bit from side to side.

Grabbing her legs, he pulled her closer to the edge of the bed and started fucking her again.  He came insider her.  He then flipped her over on her chest, legs dangling over the side of the bed.  He then started spanking her by hand and continued for some time. Upon stopping, he then started fingering her until she came.  He then took his belt and gave her three or four more strikes, and then it was over.  He told her to stand up, they hugged and went through their aftercare.   He then told her to get ready for bed.

There was a lot of rawness to it all.  A forcefulness.   Not just discipline.  Not just sex.  More a display of power than a delivery of discipline.

I’ve shared before that Mike is more strict with Kayla than with me, and the discipline she receives is more harsh.  It’s the way she wanted it.  I’ve witnessed similar punishments like this one before. But not intertwined with the sex.

QUESTION
At Sunday’s Maintenance Session I shared with Mike how that punishment troubled me.  I admitted I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, but I knew it wasn’t good.  The mix of sex and discipline bothered me.

It has been awhile since I last questioned Mike’s actions.  Mike was great, as always. He listened to my concerns and was not offended or defensive about it.  He said the spanking and the flogging were consistent with other discipline he has given Kayla, but the sex was new.

Mike said he wasn’t sure why he did it.  He didn’t owe me an explanation, but I was happy he offered one. He has shared before that he often gets aroused from discipline, but, he doesn’t act on it as he too wants to keep sex and discipline separate.  But, this time, he said the urge was just too great and he gave into it.  And the way Kayla responded just made him even more horny.  He said he was thinking there will be more of it in the future, so he wanted to understand my concerns.

I couldn’t really articulate my feelings. I told him perhaps it just seemed too rough to me. While she fully consented, it just seemed, well, forced.  I know it wasn’t.  It was just that discipline hasn’t been a setting for sex, thus, in my mind there was this unspoken rule.  Discipline was a sex free zone and Mike violated that.

There have been times there was sex  with discipline, even with me.  But the few times it occurred it was typically just oral sex (sucking his cock), or, sex immediately following the Closing ceremony.  This was not that.

Mike called Kayla into our Maintenance Session.  He thought it would be helpful for the three of us to talk about it. She said she loved the discipline she received.  “The pain and submission of being spanked added to the pleasure and submission of Mike forcing himself on me was mind-blowing.”

I felt a little better that she enjoyed it.  But there was still more to what bothered me.  It finally clicked what it was.  I wasn’t feeling any compersion over the sex I witnessed.  I didn’t enjoy seeing Mike being so raw and forceful with Kayla.

We talked about this for some time, but never really reconciled why I feel that way.  I can’t articulate why – it just is.  Until I can make sense and articulate what it is that I feeling, it is difficult to break it down and reconcile it.  I am open to ideas?

I shared with Mike that I felt it is not for me to question his decisions regarding Kayla’s discipline.  I also don’t want him to feel bad for what happened nor feel reluctant to repeat it.  I reassured him I would figure this out and not to mind my concerns.  Mike thanked me for saying that but he said he would exclude sex in any future discipline for a little while. We agreed to talk more in hopes that there is an epiphany after it percolates more in our minds.

And percolates it does.  I have a lot of theories, but when I think them through I end up saying, “No, that’s not it.”   So yeah, an ideas?

NEXT: 192. Vanquish the Negativity

190. Web Cam Virgin

190

I wouldn’t blame Kayla for saying “Enough already!”  But, she loves talking about it as much as we do.  Yes, Kayla, Mike,and I talk a lot about her budding relationship with Michaud.

WHAT IF?
While it seems Michaud is good with a “let’s deal with it when it happens” mindset, Kayla wants to be prepared.  She appreciates our help talking through how she might handle the potential pitfalls.  We’ve probably gone through a hundred “What if’s…?”   Not that playing “what if” is perfect. It’s hard to really know what you feel when something is abstract and you’re thinking, “that will never happen.”  But it is still a nice bonding experience because you can talk about difficult scenarios while in a calm and loving state of mind.  Of course, when it’s “real” you have to deal with judgement that may be blurred or influenced by high emotions.  While imperfect conjecture, we found it helping talking through “what if’s?” 

We’ve only experienced Michaud through Kayla’s eyes.  We haven’t met him, but thus far he sounds like a good fit for her.  We have purposely avoided meeting him right now.  We think it is best to let Kayla and Michaud create the foundation of their relationship on their own. Mike and I are going to be a big enough presence anyway, so we are sensitive to trying to give them their own space to carve out.  We figure making him meet us or having him hang out with us would just make it harder for their relationship to solidify.

Kayla said he is laid back, easy-going, non-judgmental, with a dry and somewhat sarcastic sense of humor.  He doesn’t seem to sweat the small stuff.  She describes him as having beautiful dreamy eyes, thick eyelashes that say “come to me” when he blinks. We’ve seen pictures and he is good looking.

CAM PLAN
I asked Kayla about the logistics of cam’ing.  (Mike gave permission for her to have cam sex with Michaud, Post 188. The Cock Block…).  I get the getting naked and playing with yourself, but, how do you start?  Kayla said she never done it.  She’s done some nude pics before, and showed her breasts on face time, but never did video sex with anyone. She’s a cam-virgin!  She said she would probably just say, “So, wanna see me naked?”  She will do a strip tease for him, and once naked, ask him to undress.  From there, yeah, just show off the bod and masturbate for each other.”  Of course, I don’t know why I was over thinking it. 

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION
Mike and I could hear her in her room while she cam’d with Michaud.  We were tempted to peak but we resisted.  He could hear muffled sounds of their voices when they talked, and could clearly discern the sound of her orgasm.  Eventually they said goodbye and signed off. 

Kayla came to our room and Mike and I were in bed, but awake.  We asked her how it went and she said, “Great.”  My response was, “And?”  To which she replied, “And I enjoyed it.”  Again I questioned, “And?”   She gave another coy response of “And I think he enjoyed it too?”

Then she burst out giggling like a school girl and said, “and he has a nice cock!”  “And he is uncircumcised.”  Kayla had never seen an uncircumcised penis, at least not live (or in this case, live on camera).  Neither have I!  “So how big?” I had to know.  Maybe a little bigger than Mike, but a little skinnier.  Kind of like John’s, but maybe a little smaller, so yeah, like in-between Mike and John.”

BUSHY BUSH
“And,” she added, “he was very manscaped.  Not completely shaved, but a very close trim. I told him it looked great.”  And she said Michaud commented on her bush, which, wasn’t trimmed at all.  Neither Kayla or I haven’t trimmed or shaved our pubic hair since our Immersion, about four months ago.  Mike told us to grow it out.  No particular reason other than he wanted to “change up the view.”   Kayla said she has never had this much hair down their.  She said she has been trimming or shaving since she first started growing pubes.  I think that’s pretty typical for millennials.

Anyway, she said Michaud immediately reacted with a “Wow, I wasn’t expecting that?”  He wasn’t complaining, just surprised.  Just as Kayla has never had a boyfriend with an uncircumsized penis, he had never had a girlfriend with a full bush.  And I use the term “full” a bit loosely.  Kayla’s not that hairy of a person, and it looks just “normal,” not wild and crazy full.

MIKE MADE ME DO IT
In keeping with Mike’s instructions, Kayla told Michaud that she grew it out because Mike commanded it.  I previously shared that Mike told Kayla that if there any actions of hers that she did that were due to his demands, she must admit this to Michaud and not hide it or sugar coat it by making it seem like it was her choice or preference.   I was very impressed that Kayla remembered this. 

It was clearly an awkward moment to have to say something like that.  Kayla said it did cause a temporary “buzz kill” to the mood.  They spent some time talking about it.  She was naked, they were talking about her bush, and he was still clothed, and they are talking about Mike’s requirements of her.  Awkward probably doesn’t come close.  But they got through it.

Michaud said, “Damn, is there anything about you that Mike doesn’t control?”  To which Kayla said, “Michaud, I can hear from your tone that this bothers you. Thank you for saying something as I want to explain and help you get comfortable with this because you will likely hear it a lot.  It is who I am and I know it is a difficult thing to ask of you, but for us to work I need all parts of me to be appreciated, even the parts you may not be part of.  She went on to restate things she has told him before about her need to be Mike’s submissive.  And they talked about it for about ten minutes.

This reminds me of an analogy I used to explain the conclusion I made about my sister’s questions about my dynamic.  It would be easy for me to get frustrated explaining the same thing over and over to my sisters.  Then I realized that in many ways, getting comfortable with my kink is a lot like learning a new language.  You need repetition to understand it better.  This helped me maintain my patience in answering their questions, which were (and still are) often repetitive.  Sharing this analogy with Kayla helped her be prepared for Michaud’s repeat questions.  The last thing you want is the questioner,who is already a bit frustrated, to be answered by someone who is equally annoyed.  

She gave Michaud another way to think of Mike.  She said, “Think of Mike a bit like my psychologist or some specialty doctor.”  If she was seeing a specialist that was uniquely able to help her with something that Michaud could not, that isn’t a short coming for Michaud.  His role in her life is still cherished and valued – but in ways that are different from Mike and from me and again, it reflects her “special” needs and not anything that is wrong with Michaud. 

It obviously wasn’t that much of a buzzkill as they eventually go back to “business.”  I am sure that won’t be the last time she needs to reassure him.  And maybe soon it will be during cam sex, minus the cam!   

 

  

189. Happiness, Pleasure, Love, Intimacy, Sex: Jenny rambles

189

Don’t hold someone else responsible for your happiness or pleasure.

This has been my personal credo without really knowing it.  While I may not have always consistently lived it,  I believe Mike and I have been successful in instilling this in our children.  I believe it comes from my mom’s credo of “Love Life, Every Moment, Every Day.”  But it was Kayla that helped me fully connect to my version of that.  As my mom passed her credo on to me, I have passed my version of it on to my kids.  And, in less than a year, Kayla has come to not only understand it, but to believe in it and incorporate it into her being.  The impact has been significant.

I started this post with the intent of talking about my views on sex.  As I wrote, it morphed into something else.  So, there are two parts to this post.  The first half is a bit of a ramble inspired by the second half, which is where I finally get to my intended topic.

Oh, this is a bit of a divergence from the Kayla-Michaud saga.  I do have a little update to share on that.  But that will be for another post.   

NEW KAYLA
Gone is insecurity.  Gone is harmful behaviors.  Gone is anxiety, especially around groups.  Gone is bottled up emotions.  Gone is indecisiveness.  The list goes on.  It’s been quite a transformation in the last ten months.  And she looks more healthy.  Her body language and general “glow” about her personifies her new found positive energy.

From her manifesto, to how she has handled every aspect of our relationship over the last ten months, to how she is handling Michaud thus far — Simply put, she has found herself and is pleased with what she has found.

She deserves the credit as she forced herself to open up.  She accepted significant changes in her environment.  She allowed her perceptions about life and herself to be challenged (that is extremely difficult for anyone!).  Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable requires a lot of strength.   There’s that “vulnerability” thing again.  I seem to write a lot about its’ power (Posts 67, 68, 129, 134 to name a few).

I believe I’ve come to realize that vulnerability is the path to taking responsibility for your happiness and pleasure.  Vulnerability is about opening up your complete and true self and then taking responsibility for your complete and true self.  In so doing, you allow your complete and true self to be your core source of happiness and pleasure. 

ISN’T IT IRONIC?
A bit of irony with this creed is that if it is not already instilled within you, it may require the help of someone else to help you fully live it, as it did for Kayla.  I believe some of you may say, “But Jenny, the irony doesn’t end there.  Isn’t Domestic Discipline all about giving up responsibility of yourself to your husband?”

My unequivocal answer is, “NO! Not even close.”

Pre-DD I thought I was living both this creed and my mother’s.  While I guess I was to some degree, I was inconsistent and failed to realize something extremely important to living this creed.  Simply, the creed applies to others as well.  I am not responsible for OTHER’s happiness and pleasure.   It wasn’t until I embraced DD that I truly was focused on my happiness and pleasure first.  

My DD was about taking responsibility for all the things that got in the way of my happiness and pleasure.  More specifically, my behaviors and thinking (i.e. my “intentions”) were the source of my unhappiness. (Post 30. I Found my Thrill is all about that).

In Domestic Discipline, we codify our behaviors and thinking under headings like Honesty, Obedience, and Safety.  And we refer to violations of these things as being “Disobedient.”  We then take responsibility for those violations through what we call “Discipline.”  We allow someone to administer that Discipline.  The disciplinarian is not responsible for our actions and happiness.  

For as much as I have been referring to our “3.0 DD” as no longer being “mine,” I now realize it is still totally mine.  I am responsible for it.  Mike in many ways is simply the administrator of it.  That is not to diminish the importance of his role.  It simply recognizes that ultimately, it is still DD, Jenny Style.

Okay.  I didn’t intend to go that route with this post, but it was a nice realization for me and it connects things full circle back to vulnerability and letting go of my intentions (which I touch on in all those posts I’ve linked to throughout the post thus far).

Now then, I intended to share how this creed ties into my views on sex.  So, let’s talk about sex!

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
Mike, Kayla, and I talk about sex with the casualness typically reserved for talking about the weather or what to have for dinner.  We were having one of these conversations in the context of Kayla’s impending coitus with Michaud.  I thought my take on things might be of interest.

This is a bit disjointed as these were snippets of thoughts I had throughout the conversation, which was too lengthy (and boring) to share in full.  But, I think it conveys some of my “major talking points.”  Ha.

Here it comes again.  It starts will vulnerability!  You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to truthfully and completely talk about sex.  I believe people who openly and honestly engage in a discussion about the physical feelings of sex along with the issues of both intimacy and passion are the ones most likely to have a thriving and fulfilling sex life.  It takes a lot of vulnerability to have such a discussion.

In my opinion, an otherwise healthy relationship can be a healthy sexual relationship if you recognize that love, intimacy, and sex can go hand in hand, but doesn’t have to.  If we expect them to all be one and the same, we’re likely to be unhappy and likely to make our partner unhappy.  Recognizing that can help solve a lot of problems both in and outside of our relationships.

If we come to relationships understanding that great love doesn’t always equate to great sex — and — that sex isn’t an automatic by-product of intimacy —  and — love can exist beautifully with or without intimacy or with or without sex or particular sexual acts — and — sex can exist beautifully with or without love — and — making love, intimacy, and sex all work together takes some effort, and such effort should always be enjoyable, enlightening and engaging — and— here it comes, We are Solely Responsible for our Own Happiness and Pleasure. . . including happiness and pleasure from sex, love, and intimacy  — if we do all of that, then, I believe we can have a sex life full of true happiness, pleasure, and fulfillment.

MANAGING ISN’T INSTIGATING
I believe many people never buy into that, especially women.  Instead, many people simply manage their happiness, manage their pleasure, manage their sex, love, and intimacy.  They work within unspoken assumptions that they have and that they misinterpret (but never question).  Those can be assumptions about themselves, or about their partner.  They never venture outside these assumptions.  They never test or even speak about those assumptions.  The thought of open dialogue about such things creates a vulnerability that is too great to imagine. Thus, you continue to just get along and manage instead of engaging and growing.

INSTIGATING MY HAPPINESS
That’s where I was pre-DD.  I assumed I was “loving life, every moment every day.”  But as soon as I woke up and realized I wasn’t truly fulfilled, I immediately responded with my own creed.   I took responsibility for my happiness and pleasure. . . . as well as sex, intimacy, and love.  And in my first step towards “waking up” I had to become vulnerable to myself.  I explored my thoughts and challenged my assumptions about happiness and pleasure.  I then made myself vulnerable to Mike and explored and challenged those things with him.

Taking responsibility forces you to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  I became the instigator of my happiness.  I “forced” Mike and I to address things we never addressed before.  We talked about what happiness was for us, what pleasure was for us (both sexual and otherwise).  We freed ourselves to share and act on many thoughts and desires.  In doing so I instigated our growth, our evolution, our intimacy, and our sexual adventure.

MY ADVICE
Become the instigator of your happiness, of your love, of your pleasure.  Again, not saying you do that through DD or any kink. That’s where it led me and it’s worked wonders, but I am sure it leads to many different paths that have a common theme — fulfillment and joy in life!

Okay, enough of my rambles. I’ve got a cute story to share re Kayla and Michaud.  Next post!

NEXT: 190. Web Cam Virgin