375. ODE TO ORGASM CONTROL

I don’t look at discipline as a kink. While we do a lot of “kinky” things, discipline isn’t one of them. Receiving the consequences of my inability to be the person I want to be is far from kinky, far from arousing, far from being sexually stimulating. I believe that is why I don’t find any fulfillment in mixing my discipline with sex… well, maybe not “any,” but still, it’s not what I connect to as a submissive.

MY COOCH CONUNDRUM

Orgasm Control (OC) is an act of submission. No different than calling him “Sir” or needing his permission to buy something. It is NOT discipline. It’s just another rule I follow and rules aren’t discipline – discipline is the result of not following a rule.

BUT –– whatever you call it, OC is sexually oriented and punishments for failing at OC will likely stay focused on my taco. You might feel there is not much difference between that and being spanked on the ass or whipped across my boobs, and I see your point. However, it isn’t about making a point. It’s about how my mind reacts. For me, my mind connects discipline to something sexual when the focus is on my vajayjay whereas it does not make that connection when focused elsewhere.

Full disclosure – receiving discipline is often a bit sexually arousing. But only because my mind rewards my pleasure centers any time I submit to him, and the greater the submission, the greater the reward. And accepting his discipline is greater submission than say, calling him Sir, thus my pleasure centers are awarded accordingly.

But, in further honesty, the whacks to my squeeze box were more arousing than other punishments. The best way I can describe it is that it felt more like a BDSM scene than a punishment. No other punishment has ever felt that way.

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION

By the way, I am trying to use as many different slang terms for the punanee as possible. It’s silly and immature, but it’s fun! Feel free to comment and share the terms you use, whether in jest or in your day-to-day vernacular. Curious to hear your slang for the vertical smile!

THE LECTURE

His lecture also added to my mixed emotions. It was different. It wasn’t as much about my specific behavior. It was more focused on my orgasms belonging to him.

That may sound like a nuance, but not to me. When I misbehave, lectures tend to be;

  • Focused on me and my behavior – not what is or isn’t Mike’s “property”
  • Focused on how my behavior failed to meet our collective expectations – not about how I must do this or must do that.
  • Focused on being the wife I want to be, and not focused on a specific rule

But this lecture wasn’t so much about failing to meet expectations. It was much more about the specific rule. It seemed more focused on him and less focused on me.

I think part of my conflict is in that OC feels too much like M/s (Master/slave) and less D/s (Dominant/submissive) and far removed from routine DD (Domestic Discipline). Not that there is anything wrong with that. If it connects for two people, more power to them! It just doesn’t connect me with my submission in the way other things do.

GATEWAY KINK

Part of me sees OC as a gateway to more sexually charged discipline, that it’s the beginning of a bad path. Not “bad” because there is something inherently bad about it, but bad because it drifts too far from what fulfills my submissive mindset.

I know this may confound some of you, after all, my Agreement includes a Sex Clause that, in part, states:

Michael may demand any sexual or physical activity to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and anywhere and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Jennifer will adhere to “Anytime.    Anything.  Anyone.  Without hesitation.”  Jennifer shall behave in a way that Mike perceives as oblivious as to the time, place, activity, and/or person(s) involved

What’s different is that I’ve never violated that clause and in fact, can never really do so. That clause is less about a “rule” and more about expressing my willingness to sexually be whatever he wants me to be. For all practical purposes, there’s no way to violate this rule. If he were to ask me to do something sexual that I did not want to do, I would use a safe word and that would be that. So while my intent is to be sexually submissive, it remains my intent to keep discipline separate from sex.

IS IT THE DISCIPLINE?

One answer is simply to ask that there is no discipline to be applied to my poony. We discussed it at Maintenance yesterday, but I didn’t actually call for that (yet). Mike didn’t take a firm position for or against, which is typical. He wants me to work it out. Despite our progression for DD that is “mine” to DD that is “for me,” our DD dynamic is still primarily focused on what works for me. While Mike could dictate a resolution, that simply is not his style. For now, I made it clear that the discipline for any OC violations is 100% up to him and I would accept it no differently than any other discipline. And that simply means, I accept it until I don’t.

IS IT THE RULE ITSELF?

I am not sure it is just the discipline that is the issue. Part of me doesn’t want to give Mike control of my orgasms. And that non-submissive thought is the origin of my my greatest conflict. I don’t like the idea of denying him anything. He enjoys OC. And it isn’t like I am not enjoying it. As stated many times, it has been very fulfilling. But, that fulfillment has come with an uneasiness.

Thus far we’ve been very fortunate in being highly synchronized between our needs and desires. I’ve chatted with many couples who struggle to balance what everyone wants from their relationship (even without DD). And it isn’t like we are far apart on this. But I know Mike is enjoying OC, which adds to my conflicted feelings.

I find it a bit humorous in the context of my journey. I haven’t felt anything like this since pre-DD when I was trying to reconcile what it meant to submit to him, let alone allowing him to spank me. Since Day 1 of DD I have been thrilled with giving more and more control to Mike. Of all the things, OC is what is testing my limits of the control I want to cede.

For now, OC stays. In yet another example of the twisted submissive mind, the part of me that doesn’t want it makes me want it more. And the part of me that does want it, well, it’s getting it. And the part of me that knows Mike enjoys it, make me want it even more. So for now, those things crowd out the part of me that says, “WTF?”

We will continue to discuss it. I set a goal for myself to have some resolution in time for re-writing our DD Contract. I’d like t put this issue behind me, and perhaps “behind” is the operative word. Maybe the solution is simply making it a spankable offense on the behind!

374. Uh-Oh-gasm: PUNISHED

I am past due on giving you pervs what you really want – a discipline story! Despite what you might conclude from my posts, spankings are not a daily thing, and infrequent of late – over a month now, and I am not complaining! (I am referring to disciplinary actions and not the spankings at Maintenance).

I mentioned in the 367. NO-vember post that I had an a UO (Unauthorized Orgasm). Read the end of that post for an explanation if you need it.

It happened in October, and thus far has been the only time I’ve orgasmed without permission. At that particular time I was allowed to masturbate at will – edging, no climax. One morning I awoke early in my bed a bit “tingly” down there. I didn’t recall having any sexually charged dream, but my kibbles and bits were giving off a subtle, yet noticeable, thrilling sensation. Hey, it happens to the best of us!

I reached down to check out what’s going on and, indeed, I was a bit moist! I thought I would reward myself with a little more of the thrilling sensation and then simply stop. I knew my journey to the O will take at least five minutes of manual stimulation, probably closer to ten. I wasn’t being overly aggressive in my diddling as I didn’t want to wake Mike or Kayla. Not out of shame – as clearly, I have none (hee-hee), but out of simple courtesy. So I diddled and diddled, confident my O was far away.

I was going at it two-handed style, one to explore around town and one to focus on the main event. That’s the clit, by the way. lol. I think you get the picture. I found I was approaching the O much faster than usual. I stopped, and waited for my heart rate to get back to normal. I could have stopped, but felt a second round of edging was in order and well within what I could handle as I couldn’t possibly be that close.

This time I went too far. I rapidly ascended the O-meter, racing towards the peak at break-neck speed. Well, not my neck, but my knuckles for sure. I stopped, in time, so I thought. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on perspective, the momentum of pleasure took me over the edge. I came.

And I did so with far too much intensity to have a shot at a ruined orgasm, as is required if I happen to come without permission.

As good as it felt, I was disappointed. I broke a rule. It doesn’t matter the rule. Breaking any rule is unfulfilling to me. And I had taken a lot of satisfaction from the fact that it had been over ten months since giving Mike my orgasm and I had never came without permission, until then.

It was a “Oh, shit,” moment of rule breaking, but I must admit, as disappointed as I was, I still told myself, “but that felt really good.”

In the morning I confessed to Mike. I was unsure of the punishment he had in mind, but history tells me he tends to try and associate the “punishment with the crime.”

PUSSY PENANCE

Following Mike’s instructions, I laid on the bed with my body in an “X”, arms spread above me, legs spread below. I had to explain the details of what happened. As I talked he occasionally gave a hand slap to my pussy. Nothing too hard, but enough to get my attention. He lectured me about my pussy being “his” and my orgasms belonging to him.

It was a very different lecture for me. More on that later. As I’ve shared many times, I try to keep sex distinct from my discipline. Sure, we haven’t always been 100% effective in that, but maybe 95%-ish. It reflects a preference I established at the start of our DD.

He retrieved the flogger and softly began to flog between my legs, slowly increasing the intensity. Soft became mild, mild became medium. It was there that the sensations turned from a pleasure/pain mix to just pain. He stopped once my wincing and squirming became increasingly animated.

He walked away and returned with the hairbrush. He told me I would get two series of five hard – and yes, the target was my pussy. The five came in quick succession and on the fifth I instinctively closed my legs as I gritted my teeth from the pain. He told me to spread my legs right now else we start over. I complied. 5 more. Ouch!

He then called me to stand up and bend over. I got about ten or so on my butt. He hugged me, and all was forgiven.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

A spanking implement care tip – especially when used on the kibbles and bits. We have some disinfectant wipes stored with our spanking implements. Whenever we retrieve an implement it gets wiped down, and wiped down again when we put it away. Spanking, especially with the flogger, can create micro tears in the skin that could invite germs and infection. And, If the object of the spanking is the vagina…well, even more inviting. So, keep your implements clean!

WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULAR PROGRAM

I do not disagree with Mike’s course of action. It was atypical, but within the scope of what I have agreed and accepted. He’s my husband to whom I submit to, and look to, for discipline regarding ALL my rules.

In the end, I did not equate this punishment to sex. It stung and I was a bit tender for about two days. But, funny thing (or not so funny depending on your perspective), there were times the tenderness was a bit pleasurable. A nice bonus, indeed, BUT, not enough to compensate for the physical pain that preceded it and, most importantly, the emotional pain of disappointing myself and Mike.

SOMETHING UNRESOLVED

I feel I am still exploring this whole Orgasm Control/Denial thing. I have yet to completely figure out if it is truly for me.

On the “pro” side, I am loving it and I surprise myself by how much it has changed my views about my Orgasm. Both the idea of it and our implementation of it has tickled my submissive mind in all the wonderful ways I like it to be tickled.

BUT, on the “con” side, I can’t put my finger on it (ha, that’s a masturbation joke in case you missed it). I have this nagging feeling like it isn’t for me. It’s just too sexual and goes against my desires to keep my discipline separate form my sexual activities

But I don’t want to give up OC either! I can’t seem to reconcile those two thoughts.

And I have received “pussy spanking” before, although very rarely. Maybe this was the third or fourth time? So the punishment isn’t necessarily my issue. Or maybe it is?

Aha! Wait. That’s perfect A classic throw-back post where I share something, like a spanking, and follow it up with some esoteric ramble about the meaning of life, or in this case, something even better – the meaning of my orgasms!

That’s it. I rewarded you with the kinky post, so now it’s time to reward myself with a self indulgent post diving into trying to reconcile my inner conflict. Coming soon.

Uh. . . bad word choice!

373. DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE, DOMESTIC BLISS

A comment on a prior post had me reflecting and recognizing that my blog provides you a limited glimpse into my life. A glimpse ONLY into the things I choose to share.

I believe the reason I tend to be wordy in my posts is that I don’t like to leave too much to your interpretation. A good writer would leave you more to interpret and personalize. But my goal isn’t good writing. (Hey, I heard that. Who said, “Well, Jen, mission accomplished.”). I mean, I try to be entertaining, but in the end, I want to convey MY experience, MY thoughts, MY emotions, MY reasoning, MY motivation, and MY conclusions. Pretty selfish, but hey, it’s my blog!

Further, I tend to share things that I find interesting, a new revelation that surprises me or makes me think. Writing also helps me collect and reconcile my thoughts, thus, I often write about things that require some deeper thinking and emotional exploration.

THE RESULT

My approach means mundane day-to-day things never get shared. The consequence of this is you are left to assume my entire days are filled with slave-like living conditions, threats of punishment, and being a sexual toy subject to sadistic whims of my husband.

That’s NOT an accurate portrayal of my entire life. That’s more like my Tuesday’s.

Just kidding.

Seriously, so much of my day is pretty “normal.” It’s just the backdrop is very unique. Yes, I defer a lot to my husband and demonstrate a continued reverence and respect towards him (at least that’s my goal). And yes, we consider ourselves to be in a plural marriage, with Kayla our wife. But even that is mostly just normal relationship stuff on any given day. Talk of our days, talk of current events, talk of our plans for tomorrow or the weekend, family news, etc. Pretty normal.

Yes, that “normality” can be broken by a spanking if one of us earns one. But I haven’t been spanked in over six weeks, other than Maintenance. I’ve been a good girl! So it’s not all spanking and wild sex (but there is some of that!).

So to that commenter a few posts back, and to anyone else who may think otherwise, I want to express my immense satisfaction, fulfillment, and sense of purpose and excitement I get from my daily life. I love the dynamic that we’ve created in my household!

I will concede that, almost six years into DD and almost five years into my blog, that my posts often lack the sense of excitement found in earlier posts. That’s simply because there is less unknown, less ground to explore, and less uncharted waters. The unknown brings a level of energy and excitement that can’t be replicated once things are more known. There is less to explore, less uncharted waters, but that doesn’t mean I am any less fulfilled.

I am also less in awe of myself as I was in my early days of this journey. I mean, how long can you remain in awe of your daily life? Eventually, it becomes routine, so much so that in some ways I no longer remember life pre-DD.

I hope no one reads into my posts that I have become saddened or worried or less fulfilled in my life. I HAVE NOT. Life is just on an even keel, with occasional “pops” of incremental change or surprises, like the Orgasm Control. Honestly, can you imagine what my life would be if I continued on the same trajectory of exploration and change that went on the first 2-3 years? Well, of course you can, because you are a sex hungry kinkster!

COMING SOON

We will soon start work on “renegotiating” our Agreement. We always start off saying we should simplify it. We don’t need all the detail we initially put into it, detail that helped us make sure our intentions were clear. But I suspect a repeat of what happens when we intend to simplify it. We end up enjoy the detail as it helps reinforce all the things we want from our dynamic. So unless something changes, we probably will trim off very little and even add to it. We shall see!

Whatever the outcome of the new contract, I know I owe so much to my decision back in 2015 to embark on this journey to shake up my life and look for ways to find greater fulfillment in every moment, every day.

Oh, speaking of coming soon, I don’t think I ever shared with you what happened when I came without permission. I mentioned it at the end of my Nov 7 post. I am overdue with rewarding my readers with what they really want to read — spank-filled sexually charged stories! Maybe next post, if you insist.

NEXT: 374. Uh-Oh-gasm: Orgasm Control / lack thereof

372. Kayla Shufflebottom

It’s official. Kayla has changed her name. It is now officially Kayla Shufflebottom!

Just kidding. That’s not OUR last name.

Yes, Kayla has officially and formally changed her last name to match ours. I first wrote of this back in March.

It took a little longer than expected because of Covid related delays. Also, it is a little more involved when changing your name due to something other than marriage or divorce. You actually have to file a petition… a suit… to the court. And she had to appear before a judge and explain her reasoning. It was entirely possible for the judge to say no, but we were told typically the judges are concerned about illegitimate reasons, such as trying to hide ones identify, masquerade as someone they are not, or just otherwise create a presumption they are someone they are not.

So I guess that means I am stuck with her in my life. Lol.

Seriously though, we have had many conversations where we (both me and Mike) have wanted to better understand her feelings about us. We are secure in our feelings about her! We love her, and we want her as a permanent part of our lives. But, that’s us . What about her?

What would motivate a now, 26 year-old, bright, financially independent, educated, young woman to hitch herself to a couple practically twice her age?

I guess it’s not much different than what would motivate a 25+ year married couple to hitch themselves to a woman half their age. Love is a strange thing!

Hey, look at that. I wrote a post in under 1,400 words!

NEXT: 373. DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE, DOMESTIC BLISS

371. So long to SEX?: Submissive Wife

My “free reign” over my O, mentioned in my previous post, ended December 8. Six full days of diddling to completion. . . assuming my chores were done, and I can’t think of any better motivation to complete them as quick as possible!

I wanted to test myself to see how long I could go without an orgasm. The first time I touched myself the arousal meter skyrocketed. I immediately say, “F-that!” to any thoughts of not getting to O – and O I did!! Between masturbation and sex with Mike and/or Kayla, I averaged four O’s a day during those six days. Impressive by my standards!

Mike then informed me my “free reign” was over. That means back to our Orgasm Control (OC) and Abstinence and Edging (A&E) routine. No sex without permission, including masturbation, and no O without permission. For now Mike has prescribed edging three times a day. He sometimes changes this up without notice, so tomorrow it could be complete abstinence, and he will throw in an orgasm here or there. That’s part of the, dare I say, “fun.” Not knowing what tomorrow holds regarding my sexual release.

I shared more about the impact OC & A&E have on me in 352. JuNO: The Big “No.” I won’t repeat myself, but suffice to say after getting to ZERO during NOvember, my DSAS (Default Sexual Arousal State) sits at about a 2 on a scale of 1-10. Once again I can say that when I am not horny, I am still a little horny.

PROLONGED ABSTINENCE?

Mike threw this bomb out there. “Jen, what do you think if I put you on extended abstinence, like three months or more?”

My first reaction was that perhaps he was just kidding, or just curious how I would react.

Rule-check regarding answering questions from Mike. I am required to give direct answers and not answer with a question and most definitely never answer with a “Whatever you want.” “Whatever you want” is a given in our relationship. When he asks me a question it is because he expects an answer. One caveat is that AFTER I have answered, I can ask a question if it is intended to help me better understand the question.

My answer — “My initial reaction is I would not like it. I am always willing to try things, sometimes just for the sake of exploring, and sometimes because we believe there will be some direct benefit. In this case, I am open to exploring it. Again, I don’t think I will like it, but I didn’t think I would like NOvember either, and it was a great experience, so much so that I don’t dread the next one. Three months sounds daunting, but I am intrigued and curious how, and IF, I could handle i.”

He said, “Okay, I am not saying we will do that. At this point I was just curious about your thoughts.”

And that was that.

I shared this with a fellow submissive that emails me on occasion. While also submissive, she was concerned for me (hey, not all submissives are alike). “Does that mean he isn’t interested in having sex with you?” “Sure, he gets to have all the sex he wants with Kayla or others, so he’s satisfied.” “Are you just some robot slave that doesn’t need to be sexually stimulated?” And there was more, and I am sure many of you can think of other things that should cause me to be concerned.

Honestly, NONE of those things concern me. If he did impose extended abstinence or denial, then so be it. If that is what he wants, by default, it is what I want. I trust that he is doing it because it fulfills him and thus, it fulfills me. Things that express his control and dominance automatically have a benefit to me. That’s just how my mind works. And while I wouldn’t choose extended abstinence, if he choose it for me, I accept.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have a preference. My preference is to have sex when I want and orgasm when I want. While we are at it, I also prefer to be lazy sometimes (more often than not). I would prefer forgetting about household chores, doing nothing, and indulging myself.

But that’s the path to the pre-DD Jenny. My biggest preference of all, that supersedes my self-indulgent preferences, is a preference to submit to my husband. Not out of some sense of duty or obligation, but because that is where I get the greatest fulfillment. So in an only-in-a-submissive-mind kind of way, not being self-centered is being self-centered. My mind, my heart, and my soul, are fulfilled when I submit to my husband. I am a submissive wife!

There are parts of NOvember that I miss. I haven’t felt the same about orgasms since then. Don’t get me wrong. I like them, they feel great, and I wouldn’t object to more of them. But, I think a year of OC and the full month of abstinence has re-wired my brain. I don’t think of my personal sexual climax about being mine. My orgasms are his, for him, from him, and about him. It now seems a bit selfish to orgasm just for me. And the longer he makes me wait to give him my orgasm, the better it feels when he does.

And, while it’s strange and still foreign to me, I admit, there is joy even in the waiting. Joy in waiting, and joy in cumming. And the greater the former, the more amazing the latter.

Geesh! I’ve gone full-on submissive! Okay, so I am slow. I am sure most of you are like, “Jen, you’ve been full-on submissive since day one.” But for me, this is big. It’s something I never even knew existed within D/s, and never would imagine I would try, let alone enjoy.

It’s a bit humorous to me. The pre-DD Jenny couldn’t relate in any way, shape or form. Not to DD, not to D/s, and definitely not to Orgasm Control. But then again, pre-DD Jenny was more unsettled, anxious, irritable, and stressed.

Even after 5+ years, I continue to revel in my evolution during my DD journey! What will I learn over the next five years that can bring me joy in ways I’ve never imagined?

NEXT: 372. Kayla Shufflebottom

370. ABSTINENCE AND ADDICTION?

A few post back I wrote of the orgasm denial event known as NOvember. Here’s how it went.

GROUND RULES

Since adding Orgasm Control (OC) to our dynamic a year ago, it’s been mostly a lot of edging, fairly frequent release, and very short periods of abstinence. HOWEVER, Mike wants NOvember to be different from our norm. He told me to expect it to be “mostly” about complete abstinence. He might allow some sex or edging at some point, but that I should expect little of that.

FIRST NIGHT – NOVEMBER 1

A day void of touching or overt sexual stimulation. I clarify “overt” because my default state is a 2 on a 1-10 scale of sexual stimulation and at this point I was easily a 3. The thought of month-long abstinence was enough to bump me up a notch. Hey, when you can’t have something, you just want it more! It was a day of subtle and not-so-subtle sexual aches and throbbing in my hinterlands. I did my best to ignore them. I was a good girl and did not engage those urges.

Bedtime. Keep in mind Kayla is not subject to NOvember (she will have her turn during JuNO). Mike and Kayla start having sex. Nothing noteworthy about that. I knew I could not join in without being asked and I had no expectation of Mike asking me to join. BUT, I figured I can do what I often do – watch! Nope!

Mike told me to roll over, my back to them, and go to sleep as he didn’t want me “turned on” by watching. Of course, I could still hear them (Kayla is, well, let’s say, “animated” when having sex). And I could still feel the bed moving, but, I complied and rolled over and closed my eyes.

Surprisingly, I fell asleep sometime after I heard Mike cum and tell Kayla to suck him “back into action” for another round. I slept through round two.

DAY 2 through 9 – WITHDRAWALS

Mike kept me completely chaste. It was harder than I expected. There were many times I didn’t think I was going to make it without touching myself. It was a near constant ache mixed with tingles in my nether-regions. My heart would race with thoughts of sexual stimulation. My mind went in and out of sexual thoughts MORE than usual. It was distracting and frustrating.

But I was a good girl. No touchy! Yea, me!

DAY 10 – DETOX

I was writing in my journal the evening of Day 10 and realized I hadn’t thought of sex a single time during the day. Like a switch, the sexual vibrations and desires were gone. It was odd. It had been 10 days since an orgasm and 10 days since any sex, manual or otherwise. I HAVEN’T BEEN DRY THAT LONG IN OVER 5 YEARS!

It felt. . . WEIRD. And the weirdest thing is, I would have expected that by just thinking about it, I would quickly revert back to the aches and tingles of those first 9 days – but I did not.

Prior to Day 10, when I wasn’t horny, I was still a little horny. Now? Nothing. Zip. Further, I felt content being abstinent and stimulus free. I began to revel in this new feeling. This feeling of being at ZERO on the sexual stimulus scale. What is this place? Where did it come from? I had forgotten it existed.

Hum? What’s going on down there? What’s going on in my head?

Nothin’ – nothing at all. That’s weird.

And in my submissive mind, a new realization emerged. I realized that a part of me was MISSING the frustration of those first 9 days. Yes, in hindsight, the sexual frustration was a type of submissive reward. But that was now gone. And no matter how much I missed the feelings of the ache between my legs and frustration over a lack of release, I could no longer connect to those feelings.

They were gone. I had detoxed from sex!

DAY 17- A REMINDER

17 days of not having sex or direct sexual stimulation in any way.

I mentioned back in May that we have an account on BDSMLR. Mike expects me and Kayla to post something on there fairly regularly, requiring us to peruse porn for something post worthy. I am doing that, all through NOvember, but even that isn’t moving the stimulation needle off of ZERO. That too was a weird experience. Looking at what is normally sexually stimulating images and feeling nothing!

But out of nowhere, on Day 17, I got this urge. I wasn’t even doing anything – honest! Just walking in my house and – wham – this tingle hits me between the legs. And more than just that, it is SHOUTING at me, demanding my attention. I sat down, pulled my knees together, clenched between legs, “Go away.” I worried that clenching was maybe a form of stimulation, so I quickly stopped, and squirmed to try to squash the feeling.

I confessed to Mike, and luckily he felt a clench was humorous and not a violation. Lucky me, I guess? Eventually this urge out of nowhere began to subside. There were a few aftershocks the rest of the day. Fortunately, I remained a good girl. No touchy!

DAY 18 – WHAT WAS THAT?

I don’t know what yesterday was about. Maybe that’s a classic withdrawal reaction? Sexual stimulation is full of feel good natural chemicals – rewards from your brain. Here’s an article.

I was coming off a nearly constant FIVE YEAR period of sexual stimulation. The decreased activity in my prefrontal cortex, orbitofrontal cortex, insula, cingulate gyrus, and cerebellum along with missing a steady release of oxytocin, meant my body was going through real withdrawals. Who knew? But lucky the return of my “withdrawals” only lasted a day. Day 18 was “urge” free.

DAY 19 through 30 – Submissive mind connects!

Mike followed through with this possibly being a month of no sex. No sexual acts were performed on or by me, by myself or with someone else.

And a new feeling emerged. Joy! I was enjoying being denied!

Even though we have been doing OC for a year, for the first time I felt I truly understood what I was giving Mike. I found joy in the fact he was holding my orgasms. I knew (or at least hoped) that at some point he will let me have one. But I found joy in that I didn’t just give him control of the “10” on the sexual stimulation scale, I gave him the entire scale, including 1 through 9.

My submissive mind connected to OC in a new way that was extremely fulfilling to me. I realized it wasn’t enough to grant Mike certain controls over me. Giving up power means far less than him actually USING those powers. It’s like if I had given him the power to discipline, yet he never disciplined. I gave him control of my sexual activity a long time ago, but he never took that control like he did in NOvember. Mmmmmm. I like that.

The submissive mind is weird!

DECEMBER 1 – LET IT RAIN?

When NOvember started, I had imagined December 1, as being an orgasm-fest. That I’d ask Mike if I could masturbate or have sex as soon as woke up and I’d spend most of the day fiddling myself. It turns out, I didn’t have any sex on December 1.

Somewhere in my mind I got it that the month was starting on Wednesday. So I had already told myself Wednesday was the day of orgasm. It was half-way through Tuesday that I realized it was now December. The odd thing was, I didn’t immediately equate it to being the end of NOvember. That’s how far I came in detoxing from sex. (hum…is that the right way to frame that sentence… came?) I digress.

But later that evening it DID dawn on me. And since Mike hadn’t said a word, I thought I’d show how “tough” I was. I didn’t say a word either and waited to see what happened at bed time.

Well, at bedtime we had sex, but, Mike surprised me and said, “But I don’t want you to orgasm. You can do that first thing tomorrow.”

I’ve had “no orgasm” rules before. But not after a month of abstinence. I wasn’t sure I could do it. But actually, it was easier than ever. I think it was because I was starting at ZERO versus already being at a 2 or 3. I was also way more focused on Mike and Kayla. Almost as if I was just watching the three of us and not participating. It was a nice perspective. It felt good to be an observer of my own sexual activity.

DECEMBER 2

I awoke from my sleep. NOvember was awesome. The journey was amazing, the things I felt were amazing, the things I learned about myself were amazing. It all felt great, but DAMN! I was ready for it to be over.
I got to fingering right away and didn’t stop until I came.

I’ve been allowed free reign on my orgasms until further notice. I’ve already had to recharge several vibrators! I am glad I’ve got 11 months before next NOvember!

NEXT: 371. So long to Sex? Submissive Wife.

369. Make Feeling Good Great Again

I focused a lot on Chelsea’s perspective over the many posts about her situation. Since Jaime’s return from his out-of-town job, they both have spent a lot of time with us. Almost like therapy sessions of sorts. While Mike has spent much of the year helping them chip away at the walls between them, collectively we sort of took a sledgehammer to those walls over the last several weeks.

EMOTIONAL WALLS

As I learned more about Jaime, I see a familiar and stereotypical set of issues emerge. While his issues could apply to women, I see it way more in men. And that issue is an inability to truly feel a wide range of human emotion. I don’t mean just an inability to express those emotions. I mean an inability to even FEEL your emotions.

And while society plays a role in that, our biggest influences tend to be family, and Jaime is no exception. Since he was a little boy, his feelings have been shut down, conditioned to believe feelings are weak. But even though he may have grown up thinking he shouldn’t have/show certain feelings, those feelings are still there – they’re just underground and he’s numbed all emotional receptors so that they go unrecognized and unfelt.

In Chelsea he found a woman (really, a girl, as they met when she was just 16), who presented a degree of safety. He felt more free to awaken those long-buried feelings. Frankly, girls, if you can be an emotional safe haven for your mate, they will likely never leave your side. Of course, what I am talking about is achieving a comfort level to make yourself vulnerable to your mate. And vulnerability is hard, regardless of gender, but even more difficult for many men.

The problem as I see it is that while Jaime says that Chelsea was the first girl he felt like he could be himself around, he still had up a lot of walls. Maybe he took down some of the barricades, but the walls were still there. And the thing I believe can (and has) break those walls is through the vulnerability expressed by Chelsea.

TEAR DOWN THAT WALL

I don’t believe you should try to coax a feeling out of someone. You can’t be your mates therapist and it often backfires if you do something overt to try and elicit feelings from them. They feel pressured and confused over something they’ve never done before regarding identifying what it is they are feeling, and then actually expressing it. In short, they don’t feel safe, and they will resist.

In my mind, Chelsea could not overtly do something to help Jaime break down his walls. But what she could do, and DID do during her time with us, is get in touch with her feelings. And in my opinion, THAT is the magic elixir to getting Jaime to open up. By focusing on her feelings and fully and transparently expressing them to Jaime, it gave him permission to reciprocate. It told his brain it was okay to connect to the feelings he had numbed. Further, it was okay to actual express them.

I’ve written about this before. It is just another variation of the power of vulnerability. There is this “go first” thing with vulnerability. Couples will keep their walls up, or just take tiny chips off the walls, never willing to go “all in” unless and until they feel absolutely safe. And “safe” is the operative word here. People often don’t feel emotionally safe to express their full self. It’s scary!

But once one person does it, its mesmerizing to the other. Seeing Chelsea so in touch with her feelings made him naturally more relaxed to open up to her. And while I don’t like stereotypes, it seems that it often falls on the woman to open up first before the man is willing to do so. Whether true or not, so what? Whether you are male or female, I think the lesson is clear. Be vulnerable to those you have invited into your life!

I’ve seen a total change in the vibe between Jaime and Chelsea. There was this anxiousness, immaturity, and insecurity, that oozed from them. I always felt it, more so than Mike. I think my “emotion radar” is more fined tune, although frankly, for a man, Mike’s is pretty good. Again, sorry for the stereotype, but I am going off my own personal experience. In fact, it hasn’t always been that way. Pre-DD Mike was more like Jaime, and not only numb to his own feelings, but numb to those around him. A very weak “emotion radar.” Now, Mike can “read a room” pretty good (not as good as me, but, well, ya’ know, that’s just my thing!). I believe Mike’s new found “power” came from being more in tune to his own feelings. Oh! I got off track here. Where was I?

GOOD VIBRATIONS

Jaime and Chelsea’s vibe! Yeah, that’s it. While still evolving, it’s far more relaxed and less needy. And as a result they both report that the other exudes a level of comfort and sensuality that they’ve never experienced. It has started them down the positive cycle where vulnerability begets more vulnerability, and emotional closeness begets more emotional closeness. Simply put – their INTIMACY level is now off the charts.

Jaime better understands his own needs and desires, and thus is more capable of understanding AND FULFILLING Chelsea’s needs and desires. Conversely, the same is true of Chelsea.

One of the things I came across that connects to me is this post from DominantSoul . While titled, “The Heirarchy of Female Emotional Needs: Unleashing your Inner Vixen, I believe it applies to men as well as women. And each step of the recipe requires an increased level of communication and vulnerability with your partner. Jaime and Chelsea were missing parts 3, 5, 6, 7, and 8 in the Recipe for Intimacy describe in the post. (By the way, I encourage you to check out DominantSoul, a self described Dominant Alpha-male).

MAKE FEELING GOOD GREAT AGAIN

So is it all rainbows and lollipops for their relationship? It still has a way to go. These things don’t solve themselves overnight. I consider one’s inability to connect to their feelings as the result of real trauma. It may not be as traumatic as say abuse or other horrific experiences. It may simply be the trauma of emotionally stunting norms within a family or society at large.

While I’ve said this is often considered more a “man thing,” there is one aspect of it that is considerably a “woman thing.” While men may be more stunted to feel and express various emotions, there is one emotion that many girls are conditioned to suppress – emotions involving pleasure.

Yes, such trauma often includes the concept that pleasure is wrong. Once conditioned to believe that, feeling pleasure becomes uncomfortable. You like it, but there’s an impulse to make it stop. I am not talking about only sexual pleasure. It can be ANY simple pleasure such as feeling cozy or feeling comfortable in your own body. It can also be a more complex pleasure such as feeling loved.

You don’t dislike those feelings, but you just can’t fully relate and connect to them. Often, you don’t feel deserving of them. It’s foreign, its weird, and your brain is resisting building the pathways so you can fully feel all of what that feeling has to offer. It takes effort to stop feeling annoyed and puzzled by those feelings and instead, feel good and fulfilled by them.

And I think that is why I strive to get to the bottom of what I am feeling. I hate it when a feeling annoys or puzzles me. It’s like my brain is denying me the purpose of that feeling. By reconciling the feeling, I release it, and get to experience all that it has to offer. And it pleases me, which is why I believe I am so happy with my life since becoming 100% vulnerable to Mike, and to those who I have invited into my life!

OPEN INVITATION

I invite you, man or woman, to understand you deserve all the feelings you’ve denied yourself. Embrace them, and exude them, and reconcile the bad ones to give power to the good ones. And SHARE THEM — Be vulnerable to those who you have invited into your life. And then revel in an amazing ride!

https://soundcloud.com/daniiacu/i-feel-good-james-brown

Next: 370. Abstinence and Addiction

368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

Figured I’d close the loop with you all on what happened/is happening with Chelsea. As shared in several posts, she stayed with us for while as her husband worked on out-of-town job. (Post 357, Post 358, and Post 359).

I am sharing this in part because I find it fascinating and I think others might relate to bits and pieces of this. Even if you don’t, it may satisfy the voyeur in you that likes to peer into the lives of others.

Her time with us was full of personal revelations for her as I detailed in 359. There was one revelations that was not on the list as she didn’t come to it until later in her visit. That is, she realized she had a lot of controlling behaviors when it came to how she treated her husband, Jaime.

She is controlling, but not in a “tell him what to do” sort of way. She tries to control how he feels about her and how he reacts to her. She is submissive in that she likes to be under his guidance and be told what to do and have to meet his expectations. But even with that, she still wants control over his reactions to her. She wants to be recognized as nice, loving, and caring. Of course, who doesn’t? But for her, it creates two sets of consequences.

One, when she doesn’t get the reaction she wants, she sulks, she misbehaves, and her body language is disapproving. She is likely to start a debate about something he asks of her. Simply, she undermines the dominance she wants from him.

The second consequence of her actions is that it causes Jaime to become uncertain, hesitant, and insecure about whether he is “doing it right” as far as being the Dom she desires. Jaime is a bit shy and reserved by nature. When Chelsea does something he perceives as a rejection or challenge to his role, he backs off from the responsibilities of that role. And in turn, that cascades into several other consequences.

His backing off means Chelsea doesn’t get the consistency she wants from him. In frustration, Jaime has turned to Mike to provide that consistency. I’ve shared before that Mike has become the surrogate Dom to Chelsea and often administers her discipline. And as Mike observed, it was causing both of them to become more passive-aggressive towards each other. Effective communication was breaking down in the process.

One of the things I’ve observed in Mike is that when it comes to communication with me or with Kayla, it is aggressive-agressive, not passive-aggressive. And I don’t mean it as “aggression.” There is no hostility or anger. I mean it in the way aggressive means decisive, clear, assertive, unambiguous, with clearly stated, and more importantly, clearly understood, intentions.

For example:

Passive Aggressive: “Isn’t that a lot of makeup?”
Aggressive-aggressive: “I don’t want you wearing so much make up.”

Sure, aggressive-aggressive is controlling. That’s what D/s is full of. But it is not passive-aggressive. Aggressive-Aggressive is about taking the wheel and driving right to your destination. Passive-Aggressive is hinting and mumbling about your desired destination, and then whining and resenting it when you don’t arrive there.

Chelsea realized that while she still thrives at being submissive, she needs explicit words of encouragement and appreciation from Jaime. All it took was sharing that with Jaime and Jaime was like, “Yeah, I can do that, because I am amazed by you and all you are willing to do for me. ”

Funny, she had fewer reservations about asking Jaime to be spank her and bring Domestic Discipline into their marriage than she did about simply admitting to him she needed more words of encouragement from him. Humans!

It might be easy to blame Jaime for not being more outwardly supportive. But he tends to be a person of few words, and it is just not his demeanor to verbally praise. It reminds me of something I posted several years ago – Post 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline. As well as what is in the two posts right after that one, 159. Follow the Leader. and 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. as well as the post right after that one.

That “Golden Rule” is: Make sure you both recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, it means giving praise.  For the Sub, it means giving thanks. 

Since Chelsea has returned to Jaime, Mike continues to check in with them almost daily. They have both made an effort to work on this issue and apparently it is paying dividends. They both report a new energy and connection in their marriage.

HOWEVER, this post just talked of this newer epiphany regarding Chelsea realizing the impact of her controlling behavior mixed with Jaime’s reserved personality. What of the other realizations Chelsea had as I previously shared?

Her sexuality? She said she really wants Jaime in her life and as her husband, but she would love an open marriage with a third like what I have. And she feels very in love with Kayla. Kayla enjoys Chelsea company and considers her her best friend, but the “love connection” is not 100% mutual. And Kayla told her she is not interested in being their “third” as she is committed to our relationship. But, as ours is an open relationship, that doesn’t mean Kayla can’t be a “friend with benefits.” And for now, that is how that stands. Chelsea shared her feelings with Jaime and reassured him she has no intentions of leaving him – ever. And her desire for a relationship with a woman would always be within the context of their marriage and whatever Jaime would allow.

Chelsea feels relieved to have shared this with Jaime and for Jaime to have accepted it. She said she thinks some of her passive-aggressive tendencies was her trying to suppress or keep her strong feelings about this issue to herself.

I won’t go point-by-point through the remaining realizations shared in those other posts about Chelsea. But, to sum them all up —

While not completely gone, she is definitely on the road to reconciling every one of those issues and doing so with Jaime’s love and support. It’s amazing what 100% transparent communication and allowing yourself to be fully VULNERABLE to your mate can do for a relationship, especially when that vulnerability is reciprocated.

And if by chance it isn’t reciprocated or that the “full you” is not appreciated. . . well, isn’t that an invaluable thing to learn about your mate? It may hurt, but it hurts a lot less than a lifetime of negative behaviors and being unfulfilled.

Next: 369. Make Feeling Good Great Again

367. No-vember: Orgasm Control

I should give you an update as to the conclusion of Chelsea’s stay with us and where things stand between her and her husband. Perhaps another post. I am overdo for sharing a kink-related story. . . as if the whole Chelsea thing is just normal vanilla stuff! lol. Anyway, I thought it was time to write about something fun and even a bit silly, ORGASM CONTROL.

Mike decided I would be subject to NO-vember. As in no orgasms all month. In fact, perhaps even no sex at all! But before I elaborate, let’s get on the same page regarding Orgasm Control.

I’ve shared that late last year I agreed to give control over my orgasms to Mike. That is, I can only cum when he has given me permission. As part of that, I can not even masturbate without explicit permission. I also shared that back in June, both me and Kayla were subject to Juno.

BACKGROUND

Mike was the one that came to me with the idea and, always willing to consider anything that gives Mike more control and influence over me, I was game. It all seemed a lot like a game to me. It’s such a silly thing for a couple to do, even in the context of our less-than-vanilla lifestyle. Or so I thought! I’ve learned it’s serious stuff!

Serious in that it has had profound consequences – positive consequences. It has had a far greater impact than I thought it would. It may be silly, but it’s also serious in a uniquely kinky way!

Orgasm Control isn’t just about abstinence. In fact, it’s less about abstinence and more about simply not being allowed to orgasm during sex. There’s a lot of “edging” that goes on. Here’s a link for the uninitiated. Also, here’s another great article on Kinkly.

The folklore is that edging turns a woman into a constantly dripping brain-dead sex-crazed goon who is ready, willing, and able to perform any sexual act on command. I learned that this folklore is actually fairly accurate. Of course, with me, Mike was starting with someone that isn’t far removed from already being that caricature.

I’ve shared before that Domestic Discipline has given me a heightened sexual feeling 24×7. On a sexual desire scale of 1 to 10, I feel I my “baseline” state is a 2. For context, think of it as being in a constant state where I am 20% of the way to an orgasm. I believe it is because I am so happy and fulfilled and my mindset of constant submission stimulates me sexually even though I may not be thinking sexual thoughts. Submission is just sexy to me! Orgasm Control (OC) added to that baseline. . . yep, “dripping sex crazed goon” is not too far off.

I must ask permission to masturbate or for any sex I have, as well as ask permission to have an orgasm. He may also tell me to edge at any time. Since adopting OC, it reduced how often I masturbate to climax. And maybe about a third of the time I am not allowed to cum during sex. So I’ve gone from daily-cummer to maybe twice a week on average, three or four in a good week.

This increased my “baseline” sexual desire to at least a 3.3 or maybe even a 4. That may not sound like much, but think of it as being 33% of your way to an orgasm — as your default state throughout the day. OC can be summed up like this:

Even when I’m not horny, I’m still a little horny.

When Mike tells me to edge it doesn’t take me long to go from 33% to 99%. And then I have to stop. No orgasm. The more days I am only allowed to edge, the more my baseline increases, until, indeed, as foretold by the kink prophecies, I am desperate to have an orgasmic release.

And when finally allowed to cum, it’s almost never just an “Okay you can cum.” It’s an edge, then a stop. Another edge, then a stop. Another, and maybe another. And then finally, usually with me begging to be allowed to cum, he allows it. Typically, I am not a very vocal cummer. But the best way I can describe orgasms after extended OC is this:

I beg him with my words, my eyes, my body.
I scream my desire, squealing phrases
that will make me flush in shame
when I recall them tomorrow.

These are by far the strongest most earth shattering orgasms I’ve every had. It makes OC worth it!

And as a bonus, it just tickles my submissive spot to know that I can only orgasm if Mike allows it. I often have to ask permission to do so. The act of asking, sometimes begging, for it has its own impact. It tickles my submissive spot even more, and at a time I can’t stand much more “tickling.”

NOvember

Like Juno (June-no), NOvember is another month one can dedicate to OC. While I live 24×7 with OC, (ha, sounds like the beginning of a pharmaceutical commercial), these “special” months are designated for more intense and focused OC.

Mike decided that he didn’t want me and Kayla to both be subject to his NOvember. He announced that Juno will be for Kayla, and NOvember will be for me. So, yea me!

Further, while our first Juno had a lot of edging and sex with no orgasm, Mike said he would make these “events” to be more about overall abstinence with some of the edging thrown it. But no cumming, so yep, November will be an orgasm free month for me, unless I mess up.

Oh – speaking of messing up. What happens if I let an O slip in? For one, I am expected to handle a UO by making it a UFO. That’s our-speak for Unauthorized Orgasm and Unauthorized Failed Orgasm. A failed orgasm, better known as a “ruined orgasm” is one where I am expected to NOT enjoy the moment. I do my best to distract or disrupt what’s going on down there and everywhere else in my body. Basically, try and make it as weak of an O as possible. In addition to UFO, I would also be subject to disciplinary action and perhaps a prolonged period of abstinence.

Have I ever slipped and released a UO! Yes, once!
What is a typical day in NOvember been like? Perverted minds want to know.

Next post, maybe?

NEXT: 368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

366. This. Is. Who. I. Am.

Kayla had a birthday this week. She’s 26. It’s so amazing to experience who she is today and to have been part of the journey that brought her to this point. We also recently had our 2nd anniversary as … well, as I don’t know what you would call it? Publicly bonded triad? I’ll save the Kayla and family update for another post. This one will be about the person I know best. Me!

I want to dive right in to the fulfillment I get from being a submissive wife in Domestic Discipline.

MY MARRIAGE

While I will focus mainly on how I feel about me, I want to start with what it means to my marriage. DD has taken the intimacy level to immeasurable heights. I don’t just mean sexually. By being 100% vulnerable to each other, we both feel completely safe and secure to reveal the truth about ourselves to each other. By being totally free to express our needs, desires, and whims, with the sometimes illogical origins, we are actually revealing the “walls” that are around us. And by revealing them to each other, those walls disappear. As I’ve written many times, the result is, we are one, but not the same (cue U2).

Vulnerability is an amazing thing. Maybe I will post about it some time. — If you are new here, I’ve done like a bazillion posts about the power of vulnerability. Go to my shortcuts and there are nine of them referenced in my Nine Thoughts on Finding Happiness.

ME

To sum up all that submission gives me — It shrinks the world!

It simplifies, synthesizes, and purifies. It filters out all the noise and leaves me able to focus singularly on what is truly important to me.

It gives me structure, and the more rules I have, the more secure I feel.

It provides me clear standards at which to measure my moments and my days.

It gives me time and energy, as I no longer do things that are unimportant, frivolous, or uninspiring.

It makes me accountable to the people that are most important to me and through accountability I am fulfilled and redeemed.

It gives me an incredible amount of love, devotion, and attention from Mike. He is deeply invested in my day-to-day activities like never before.

The sex is incredible! Just sayin’.

Yes, in order to get all those things I have had to give up some things as well. I gave up various powers in exchange for all of the above. Best deal I’ve ever made!

Serving Mike as I do was not done on a whim. We didn’t get to where we are overnight. It was a choice I initially made, and he subsequently made. It filled me with a freedom unlike any I had ever felt. It was absent any pressure or outside urgency. It just felt right from the beginning through today. We somehow found something in each other that we didn’t even know was missing within us and between us. We both offered parts of ourselves that no one had ever offered us nor that we had ever offered each other.

It’s NOT EASY. It’s hard work, dedication, devotion, determination, kindness, and empathy. The hardest part? It’s honesty and communication at a 100% transparent level. It’s the removal of all boundaries between two people. It’s a willingness to explore each other, allow each other to explore the world around us, and explore ourselves all without judgment or fear from the other.

OUT OF OUR VULNERABILITIES CAME OUR STRENGTHS!

And if I had to do it again, my choices would have remained the same.

submissive wife

This. Is. Who. I. Am!


P.S. Did I mention the sex is incredible?

Net: 367. NO-vember: Orgasm Control

Unconventional journey to unimaginable fulfillment.