140. Post Party Analysis and Revelation

140
It may help to read my prior post about attending the “adult” party we attended.

I mentioned that Mike seemed to be somewhat reserved regarding our sexual participation.  I say somewhat, because, as shared in my prior post, we still participated in some of the sex related festivities.  In addition to the activities I wrote about in that post, there were also some hand jobs that I gave and Mike enjoyed some head from one of the other ladies.  Clearly we were not wall flowers, but still, I could sense Mike was a bit guarded in both what he did and what he allowed Kayla and I to do.

THE CREEP
We talked about it afterwards.   Mike said that he was “creeped out” by Rudy, which also summed up the feelings I had about him (you can read about him in my prior post).  He was a bit of the alpha-male, boisterous, and aggressive both verbally and physically – and not just for topics related to sex.  It was clearly his personality that is pervasive in all his interactions.  He bordered on condescending, if not outright so, and he was clearly a narcissist.     

He had this body language that said he was superior, not just to his sub, but to everyone else, whether dom or sub.  He would quietly observe a conversation from afar, as if not even a part of it.  When he finally decided to talk, he would just holler his two cents from across the room.  He also wanted to make up the rules or give reasons why rules should apply differently to him and it was clear he was indignant when people just ignored his rants.

He was over the top with flattery to the women.  Flirting is one thing, but the degree of flattery was embarrassingly profuse.  And if his advances did not result in what he wanted, you could tell he was close to exploding.  He never did, but you had this sense that there was this rage just below the surface.   Lastly, just to give you a good picture of him, he provided an elaborate introduction of himself, going on and on about his accomplishments.  His self-proclaimed intelligence, wealth, creativity, you name — didn’t seem to stand up to simple questions posed to him.  You know, it just dawned on me, I think the best way you can picture him is to think of him a lot like Donald Trump, minus the treason and golden showers (okay, the former is a given, but the latter is just a rumor).  I digress.

That was a lot to share to simply say, the guy was creepy.   Mike was concerned that in the already highly sexually charged atmosphere, that this guy could be trouble, so Mike was very selective on what all of us participated in.   By the way, the other couples were all fantastic and a joy to talk to, play with, and hang around.  

KAYLA’S REVELATION
Kayla told us she had a revelation to share.  Before she said what it was, she wanted to be clear that f
irst and foremost she was thrilled to have the opportunity to attend and very happy with the things Mike had her do.   She was happy to serve Mike in that manner and doesn’t question any reasons he had regarding the things he had her do or not do.  Like a good sub, she wanted to be clear that her greatest satisfaction is in submitting to whatever Mike desires, even if that means he desires her NOT to do something.  

So with that preamble, she said that she also had to be honest and share with us that while she enjoyed it, she thought there would be more “debauchery.”   More specifically, that she would be more “debauched.”

WORD OF THE DAY
Funny aside – I wasn’t sure debauched was actually a word.  It seemed to fit, such as, “to have debauchery performed on or by you” but, it seemed like a made up word.  I Googled it – sure enough, it’s a word, and exactly describes what Kayla meant.  So there’s your challenge of the day.  Go get yourself debauched!

BACK TO THE REVELATION
Kayla said that she made a revelation about herself as she thought through why this experience didn’t live up to her expectations.  She said that clearly she loves sex, no surprise there, and she loves kink – again no surprise.  But she said she really loves it, the kinkier the better.  She wanted to explore sexually with everyone in the room, sans Rudy.  She said she would have been happy to do anything or have anything done to her.

She said this feeling to explore like that was a bit of a surprise to her, and now she believes she knows why she had, and continues to have, those feelings.  She said that she feels liberated and empowered to do things sexually IF those things are done under Mike’s discretion.  In other words, she wants to do those things for herself and for what she gets out of it, but she has personal hang ups regarding what it “means” for her to do those things under her own volition.   Social stigmas that have been reinforced into her says those things make her dirty, nasty, or “less than” as a person.  For her, those negative feelings are replaced with positive ones when she is doing those things at Mike’s behest.  As strange as it sounds, she said for her, submission is sexually liberating and empowering. 

I believe that for her, being submissive is one way she can remove herself from being accountable to society for her actions.  None of us should ever feel accountable to society for our sexual habits (that are appropriately legal).   Kayla knows this, as I hope all women do, but while intellectualizing that thought may be easy, it can be very difficult to purge those thoughts that have been taught to us since birth.  Society constantly reinforces the belief that enjoying sex and being sexually open is something that makes a man strong, virile, and admired, while it makes a woman a whore and morally corrupt.   

The constant barrage of negative social cues regarding being a “slut” or that women should feel degraded if they enjoy sex, is hard to shake.   For Kayla, being a submissive is one way she can “shake it” in her mind.  She thinks of herself as simply being submissive, and any and everything she does is part of that submission.  Thus for her, it reconciles the social stigmas that have been engrained in her such that she does not feel any negative thoughts about what she is doing.  She is able to enjoy herself and feel only good and positive feelings about the experiences, free of negativity.

Kayla was apologetic in sharing her revelation, as she was concerned Mike would interpret it as her being submissive for only selfish reasons.  Far from it.  Mike was extremely supportive.  He said it would be inappropriate for him to think that she wants to serve “just because.”  He said, “Of course you get something out of it!   In no way does it diminish your submission just because you have identified the root of that “something.”  I hope over time you have more revelations as to why this lifestyle fulfills you.  And if that journey means you discover other ways to achieve that fulfillment, then that is fine too.   I don’t want for your submission, other than it is what gives you fulfillment.  I want for you to be happy, and will help you in achieving and maintaining that happiness through whatever form it requires of me, Dom or otherwise.   

Ahh – that was sweet of Mike, and of course was absolutely true and I echo his sentiments.  Our relationship with Kayla is very much about our wanting to nurture her so she is filled with confidence in being whoever she is now or may grow to become.  No shame.  And if that means spanking her bottom to help her along the way, so be it!   Hee hee.

 

139. A very Adults-only Party

139

The three of us attended a party at John and Donna’s last night that I refer to as a “Fetlife” party as it included couples that John and Donna met via Fetlife.  There were four other couples as they wanted to keep it small and only include those they knew fairly well.   With us included, there were 13 people – we were the only 3some and all the other couples with male/female couples.  

I am not sure what details would be of interest, but I’ll do my best to provide enough insight that you can get a sense of the atmosphere.  It was sexually charged to say the least.  Also, if you are new to my blog, attending such parties is not the norm for us.  

KAYLA WELCOMES THE GUESTS
We went early to help John and Donna prepare.  When it was time for guest to start arriving, Mike and John moved a bench from their outside patio to just inside the front door entry way.  Kayla was tied to the bench, naked except for her collar, and facing forward with her arms and legs both spread out.  Kayla is very limber and her legs were positioned almost in the splits – one leg tied far to the right and one far to the left.   Mike tacked up a small sign that said, “Touching by hand is allowed.”  As we saw the first couple pull up in their car, they put a blindfold on Kayla and she was told not to speak to anyone.

As each couple arrived we greeted them at the door and introduced ourselves.  As they walked past Kayla, Mike said, “Oh, she’s some decoration and entertainment to help with the mood.”   They all smiled and a couple of the men and one of the women took the opportunity to squeeze Kayla’s breast as they walked by.  One lightly stroked her cheek, and whispered, “Lovely.”   Another, that I’ll call Rudy, grabbed her chin between his thumb and forefinger and moved her head to the left and right, as if to inspect her face. He didn’t say anything but had this look of agreement about him, as if what he saw met to his satisfaction.   More on Rudy later. 

RULES AND DRESS
Once everyone arrived John and Donna made an announcement, sort of a reading of the rules.   John basically just said, “Everyone is free to do anything that was consensual and may the festivities begin.”  Each couple then began changing from their street clothes to their “party” clothes.  

There were all sorts of  kinky outfit.  All the women either had their breasts fully exposed or visible through something very sheer.  A couple of the women wore collars.
Some of the men had get-ups as well – one with his cock exposed, another with a cod piece that you could open and close via a zipper, one in this super tight leather shorts.
One of the other men, along with John and Mike, remained in their “street” clothes.  So lame!  Ha.

I had brought what I call my “breast harness.”  You wear it like a bra but it is cupless and has straps that go around the breast.  You can tighten the straps depending how hard you want to squeeze the breasts.  Mike tightly adjusted it such that I knew my breasts would eventually be a bit purple in about ten minutes.  As for pants, I wore a very small mini skirt, no panties.  

SOCIALLY SEXUAL
The socializing gravitated towards the living room and kitchen area, away from the entry way, so Mike untied Kayla and walked her to the kitchen while she remained blindfolded.  He had her lay out on top of the kitchen table with her back on the table. He tied her down and again he told people they were free to touch the “centerpiece.” 

We got to know each of the couples and found they all were in some sort of D/s, M/s relationship with the woman as the submissive.  All but one couple were married.  One of the women was kept on a leash and had to walk on all fours next to their husband and then kneel next to him whenever he stopped to talk to people.  She did not speak unless he gave her permission to do so.  

A few of us sat around the kitchen table talking, and one of the men told their wife to finger Kayla.   The man, I’ll call Jim, saw the look I gave Mike and he asked Mike, “That is okay, isn’t it?”   Mike looked at me as if I was being disobedient and he said, “Yes, I said you can touch, so yes, your wife or anyone can touch.”

With that the woman, who I’ll call Jane,  started playing with Kayla’s pussy and was soon fingering her.  It was hard to read Kayla’s reaction due to the blindfold, but her  pursed lips told me she was enjoying it.  Eventually Jim asked, “So Mike, I know your sign said touching by hand was okay, what about by if Jane uses her tongue?”   Mike told him that would be fine.  With that, Jane began licking Kayla’s pussy.  Jane was kneeling on the chair and bent over so she could reach Kayla’s tender parts.  As she was going at Kayla, Jim started rubbing Jane’s breasts.  Mike looked over and said, “Jim, can Jen touch Jane?” And with Jim’s approval, I slid my fingers between Jane’s legs.

Jane stopped once Kayla orgasmed, but now she was highly aroused.  She asked Mike and I if we all wanted to fuck.  I simply said I would do anything Mike wished.  Mike actually told them no, that while we were open to playing to a certain degree, for now we want to hold off on fucking. Jane then said, “How about I eat out Jen while my husband fucks me?”   Mike agreed, and with that, Jane got on all fours, buried her face between my legs as I sat in the chair, and her husband entered her from behind.

After everyone was done cumming, we simply talked some more, as if what happened was normal.  As if we just finished an intense card game and went back to idle chit-chat.  I am fully aware these sexcapades are not normal, but abnormal in that they are unusual or not the norm, not because they are abhorrent in any way.  To me this is all very natural.  Being sexually open and comfortable with sex is exciting, natural, and comfortable to me.  And no one we met was judgmental about anyone else’s limits.   We openly talked about what our limits were, whether talking about limits for this party or limits in general.  It was so cool that everyone was confident in their own kink, and not judgmental of the kink of others.  

RIGGED CONTEST
In between various couples having sex, and some couples swapping with each other, John announced a little entertainment.  He had Donna got completely naked, which meant just removing what little she was wearing, and he performed a full body flogging for everyone to watch.  Then, Rudy challenged everyone in the room with, “I’ll put up $100 to go against anyone to see who can make their wife’s ass the darkest red or purple in 30 seconds, winner takes the money and gets to fuck any or all of the losing asses. John and Jim both took him up on the bet.  Mike and two other men declined, but of course we all watched!  

They each put up $100, so the winner got $300 and the “right” to perform anal on any or all of the women who lost.  Other rules were established such that only one implement could be used for the 30 seconds and, the winner would of course use a condom.   Well, Rudy won, but we all smelled a set up.  But in a jovial way, no hard feelings.   

He brought is own paddle that was this homemade paddle that had a few holes along with a couple of pieces of metal that were  attached to it.  The metal had many small raised bumps on it.   In 30 seconds his wife was by far the most bruised and even little bits of blood coming from where the metal bumps hit.   I talked with the woman afterwards and she loved it and said this sort of bet has been a routine of theirs at parties and she almost never loses.   In hindsight, they should have required the spankings to be by hand.  Oh well, at least Mike wasn’t out the $100 and I didn’t have to “service” Rudy.  

So, Rudy got $100 each from John and Jim, and of course, was eager to claim his other prize.  Donna and Jane each got on all fours and he affixed a condom and “claimed his prize.”  As a side note – Rudy had an averaged size dick, but it had this sharp right bend to it, so I imagine it felt it a bit strange.  I wanted to nickname him “Maui” after the character in Moana.  Rudy’s dick reminded me of Maui’s giant magical fish-hook.  Clearly an exaggeration on my part, but still, I saw a resemblance.  (I hope I didn’t ruin a great Disney movie for any of you.  You just might never look at Maui’s fish-hook the same way).

MISCELLANEOUS DEBAUCHERY
There was more fun and debauchery but mostly Mike and I were observers.  I touched a few breasts and gave a few hand-jobs.   All
 this time Kayla was left on the table.  As the party was nearing the end point, Mike untied Kayla and while keeping her blindfold on, had me dress her with something he had brought for her to wear.  It was her cupless bustier with a sheer, g-string bottom.  Mike then walked her to the middle of the room, removed her blindfold, and formally introduced her to everyone.  Everyone clapped in thanks for her “display” during the party.   Kayla smiled and it wasn’t long before some of the couples propositioned her.  Each time Mike said no, that we were all more in an observation mode, with the few exceptions I already mentioned.   

PARTY’S OVER
The party ended and the last guest left.  Overall it was really fun and I have no complaints.  With a few exceptions Mike seemed very cautious throughout and when he questioned us about what we thought, Kayla expressed that she wanted to explore with some of the other couples if we were to do this again.   Mike then explained why he chose to be cautious and Kayla also shared a revelation she had about herself as a result of the party.  I’ll share those two items on my next post.  

NEXT:  140. Post Party Analysis and Revelation

 

 

 

 

138. Party time! The naked bench.

TheBench

I wrote before about Mike and I attending some FetLife functions. One was a public meet and greet at a restaurant and one was a private party at a private club.   We enjoyed our time at both functions but ultimately decided not to continue to attend such functions or socialize with those that we met.   We met some nice people and it was great to be so open about our relationship.

Our disinterest in continuing to go to such events was simply that we felt “our cup runneth’ over.”  Both our social dance card and our sexual and kinky appetites were full. Both Mike and I agreed that if the right opportunity arose we would be open to going to a function.  That opportunity has arrived.

John and Donna have become active in FetLife and attended many functions.  They can thank Mike and I for opening up to this.  Before we “came out” to them, they were very private in TTWD, despite a desire to be more open.  Well, we’ve opened them up, as they have opened us.  They don’t swing, but they enjoy putting their relationship on display. They also enjoy the company of other like-minded kinksters. 

 John and Donna decided they want to host their own private party at their house with a somewhat small circle of kinkster friends that they have met.   Of course, Mike and I are invited, and Kayla too.   It’s something like three or four other couples, so with the three of us and John and Donna, something like 14 to 17 people.

When Mike told me and Kayla about the party, he told us that we would be helping John and Donna host it and as hosts, were responsible for some of the entertainment.  He told Kayla that she was going to be a “centerpiece” of sorts to great the guests. They plan to place a bench near the entry way just inside the house.   Kayla is to be tied to it, fully nude and blindfolded. Her arms and legs will be tied such that she is spread out and very exposed.  At some point after everyone has arrived Mike will untie her and walk her to the living room and Kayla and I will both masturbate for the crowd.  Kayla will leave her blindfold on the entire time.

Mike said there may be more “entertaining” that will be required of the two of us, as will be required of Donna as well.  He told us there would not be sexual penetration with strangers, but there could be certain other sexual acts and we are subject to whatever he feels would entertain the guests.  This is all within the bounds of our DD contract as well as within Kayla’s. 

Mike asked Kayla what she was feeling and why, and if she had any concerns or questions.  She simply replied, “I am both excited and nervous, Sir.  I am excited because you are asking this of me and I love to please and serve you.  I am nervous, maybe a bit scared,  cuz’ I’ve never done such things in front of strangers.  While I am open with you two, I am still self-conscious about my body.  But other than that, I don’t have any concerns or questions as I trust whatever you come up with will be safe while still pushing my boundaries.  Thank you for this opportunity, Sir.”    

Mike then asked me the same question.  I was less accepting, but my concerns were on behalf of Kayla and not for me.  I’ve written before that I am a closet exhibitionist (Post 20.  Putting on a Show) and love the idea of sexually performing for others.  But, I am concerned about how these strangers might treat Kayla.  I can imagine the party will be sexually charged and her is this young woman on display for their amusement.  I decided not to cast any doubts or concerns in front of Kayla, so I simply replied that I too trusted in his judgment and that it sounded like fun — but, I did give Mike this certain “stare” that I have that he recognizes.  It is the I-have-more-to-say,-but-let’s-talk-later-stare.    

Sure enough, Mike interpreted that stare (that’s what 25+years of marriage does for a couple).  When Kayla wasn’t present he asked me what was on my mind regarding the party.  I asked him if it would be okay to make sure that one of us would always kept within eyesight of Kayla at all times, especially when she was on the bench.  My concern is people getting carried away and touching or doing something inappropriate.  We don’t really know these people.

Mike agreed and added that everyone who is coming is coming with a partner, so if they need a sexual release, they should be with a partner willing to help with that.  However, it would be prudent to make sure one of us was was always with her or at least within eyesight of her at all times.    

What to wear, what to wear!   Oh, Mike took care of that.  How thoughtful!   A nice new dress?  Nope.  Our my birthday suit will suffice!   Oh, and another funny little factoid – John and Donna thought ahead and scheduled this so that Kayla would not be on her period.  How thoughtful!  Ha!   Just one of the logistics of having a nubile sub at your service.   Party in two weeks. 

P.S. Got my first Thursday maintenance caning.  I’d say, “Oh, how I despise the cane,” but the fact is, it is simply my least favorite spanking implement.  I love getting spanked too much to despise any implement, but the cane is testing that sentiment.

NEXT:  139. A very Adults-only Party!

 

 

137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking

137

Over the last few months I have had few, but harsher, punishments, as I have done an excellent job of adhering to my Duties and Obligations with a few big exceptions which I’ve posted about. Mike decided it would be helpful if we instituted an extra Maintenance Session that he will call for at his discretion.  If he feels they are needed they will be on Thursday evenings.  

It will be an abbreviated version of our Sunday Maintenance.  I don’t present my journal or masturbate, and it is not as reflective as the Sunday routine.  One other difference is that Mike said I will be caned versus the hand spankings that are part of the Sunday routine.   It starts with a caning, there is brief dialogue where he may ask me some questions and/or lecture, then a final caning.  He said it would be as many and with whatever intensity he thinks I need.   He said he would let me know each Thursday around dinner time as to whether we will have a session that evening.

Mike said he hoped this extra session would provide me added focus and also serve as an additional release.  Perhaps it will avoid the need for me to ask for a spanking which I’ve done a few times when I’ve gone a lengthy period of time without a punishment.    

Bratting or Distraction?
The wondering and anticipation during the day on Thursday is a punishment by itself.   First off, the cane is my least favorite spanking implement, and Mike knows it.   This has a potential for putting me in a conundrum.  Will this motivate me to “brat” or have some minor infraction so that I am spanked Monday through Wednesday such that Mike feels the Thursday session isn’t necessary?   Of course, there is always the risk I still get the Thursday maintenance regardless of my behavior for the week.   I don’t believe I would intentionally “brat.”  I’ve never done it before.  I think getting a spanking under false pretenses would be unfulfilling.  

I also wonder if the anticipation could be a mental distraction such that I don’t correctly execute my Duties and Obligations.   Ug!   I would much rather just make it an automatic Thursday session versus it being at Mike’s discretion.

I got spanked!
Normally when Mike makes a “proclamation” he does not solicit questions from me.  He simply asks if I understood what he stated.  This time, after he announced his decision to hold these sessions, he specifically said, “Do you have any questions?”  I didn’t hesitate and I asked him if he could just make these automatic.   

He then told me to bend over and he administered an Immediate Spanking.  After the first round of spankings he asked me why I earned this.  I figured it was because I questioned him, but I didn’t understand why I was spanked because, after all, he asked me if I had questions.  Because I didn’t correctly state why I was spanked, I received the customary second round of spankings and then he explained.  Yes, he asked me if I had questions, but my response to him wasn’t a question.  It was a request.  We have an agreement that when I ask questions they are only for clarity as to what is being requested of me.  If I want to question why or suggest an alternative, I am to do that only at a Maintenance Session.  In my haste, I questioned him in an unacceptable manner.

This event to me is further evidence of Mike’s evolution as a Dom.  Not too long ago I think he would have missed the nuance of a question that is a point of clarify versus one that is a request.  Or, if he did catch it, in the past he might have overlooked it — Not any more!  He’s the Dom and expects certain behaviors of me.   This is another example of the clear evolution of my DD.  He isn’t just enforcing my explicit expectations of myself regarding specific behaviors that I prescribed.  Instead,  he is enforcing both of our expectations that I be submissive to him.    

It may be surprising but this excites me!  Okay, not right at first, but it didn’t take long to excite me.   I admit, in the moment my first thought was “Really, you’re spanking me for that?”  To my credit, even though I thought that, I still didn’t hesitate to accept the spanking.  And, it didn’t take long into the spanking for my thoughts in my mind to change from “Really?” to “Thank you!”   And my next thought was, “Does this mean I don’t get a Maintenance caning this Thursday?”   

I thought that, but I knew better than to verbalize it!   We shall see this Thursday!

NEXT:  138. Party Time. The Naked Bench.

 

 

 

136. Submitted Wife

136
I can’t go too many posts without writing about my thoughts on submission.  What prompted this one was a discussion with my sisters (See Post 116 re my “coming out” to them).    

By the way, I still refer to my lifestyle as Domestic Discipline, but I recognize it has evolved to be more aligned with a Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  Once you name something, it is hard to change it.  DD is in the name of my blog and I am sticking with it. Oh, back to my sisters…

My sisters continue to ask me a lot of questions and I often am the one soliciting their questions.  I like to hear their thoughts and comments.  I know they will be unfiltered as we have a way of being totally “brutally” honest with each other.  I believe it is because we are all so secure in our sisterly love for each other that we know how to communicate tough issues very well.  We can be critical without condescension, and at no time make each other feel bad.  We share our feelings so that we are better understood and so that we can better understand each other.  So everything we say always has the underpinning of love.

I’ve also shared before (Post 2. The Backstory) that growing up there was a strong sense of “woman empowerment” bestowed on us by our mother.  Being a submissive wife was never in my future as far as my mom was concerned, or my sisters, or even me, until submission found me.  

WHY?
My sisters keep coming back to the same question, “Why?”   It isn’t that they didn’t listen to my answers or that they didn’t believe my answers.  They admit that my answers were touching, heart felt, moving, and well articulated. But still, it’s like, “Can you tell me ‘why’ again?”

The analogy I use is that it is as if they are learning a foreign language and haven’t retained the knowledge to understand it.  And like learning a foreign language, they need repetition.  So I repeat, and I repeat.  I think it is slowly sinking in, but this time I realized I needed to change my approach.    

Understand before being Understood.
I fell back on some of my counseling background and a simple communication axiom of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   In our previous conversation I was providing my sisters with a lot of information, but it was about the things that were important to me, that motivated me, that justified to me why I made the decisions I made.  I finally realized I needed to understand them first.  

I asked them what they thought submission was and what they thought my reasons were.  In those answered, I found the biases that society conditions us with and the loving concerns they had for me because of those preconceived notions.  Thus, I finally understood our conversation needed to be about what D/s WASN’T more than it needed to be about what D/s WAS

 In their minds, submission is

  • degrading
  • unfair
  • unhealthy

Their actual list was longer, but I consolidated it into those three themes.

First of all, I agreed with them.  Submission COULD be any or all of those things.  Just like “Love” could spiral into any or all of those things.  The potential for those things should not be dismissed or taken lightly, but the fact is, I believe healthy D/s relations are devoid of those things.  Then we talked about each one.

DEGRADING
In their minds it was degrading to allow myself to be under Mike’s authority.  We then talked about authority in a household setting.  They agreed that in their own relationships there were things that naturally evolved where they defer authority to their husbands, or their husbands to them.  We talked about the process that got them to that point.  That process was full of arguments and conflict and even some lingering resentments that years later could be called to the surface in a moment.  In fact, there were several issues where “authority” was still in dispute and a source of  anger or resentment.  One of my sisters even said, “It still burns me today to think of….”

So I told her, “So, you feel disregarded by your husband about that issue, don’t you?”   She agreed she did.  

“And are there things that you have assumed responsibility for where he may feel disregarded by you?  She agreed that this was very likely the case.

Then I said, let’s look up the definition of what it is when you disregard something that should be taken into account, such as someone’s feelings.  We quickly got to words like contempt and, sure enough, degrade.

To me, the degrading isn’t about the person. She wasn’t degrading her husband, nor he degrading her.  What was being degraded was their happiness and love.  Sure they still loved each other.  The issue didn’t rise to the level that it destroyed their love, but, it still made it less than it could be and provided less peace and fulfillment in their relationship.  To this day, years later, there was lingering resentment.   I told my sister I have absolutely no lingering resentments, nor does Mike.  That’s the power of submission for us.  It allows our love to be the greatest it can be, no pock marks or degradation anywhere. 

One other aspect of “degrading” to them was the notion I was being treated like a child.  Well, I never spanked my kids, nor did my sisters with their kids, so no connection there.  But forget the spanking, yes, Mike is the disciplinarian, much like a parent would be.  I can’t argue that.  His role has some similarities to that of a parent but D/s goes way beyond a parents role in disciplining a child.  Also, I not only fully consent to him being the disciplinarian, but I asked for him to be that.  I’ve found I can better meet my commitments to myself and to him and have greater self control and happiness by submitting to his discipline and deferring to his will.  I don’t find it degrading, I find it uplifting.

I shared with them that accepting his discipline was a journey within our journey.  That is, initially I only accepted it on my terms, explicitly laid out in our contract.  And there would have been nothing wrong with it if it stayed that way, but, I changed and my needs changed.  I wanted more discipline and developed an unquestionable trust in Mike.  To me that is when our dynamic became D/s versus DD.  I am not just subject to his discipline, I am simply and completely “his.”   

UNFAIR
Since we already were looking at definitions, we then took a look at the definition of “unfair.” Basically there are two.  One deals with the principals of justice, the other is in regards to lack of kindness, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness.  It was interesting because one sister was hung up on he principals of justice part of it while the other was hung up on the kindness and thoughtfulness part of it.

Justice, in other words, equality.  D/s isn’t about gender roles. There are D/s relationships where the man is the submissive and there are same-sex D/s relationships.   D/s is not an indictment on women.  It is about the two individuals and what works for them. Gender is something that obviously exists, but doesn’t dictate anything.  Having said that, yes, I’ve observed most D/s relationships have a male Dom.  That simply could be because society has preconditioned too many men such that they would never consider it or would never explore it.  Society more easily accepts a submissive woman. 

I also explained that for me, D/s is about choosing a leader in the relationship.   Granting someone authority to lead you, whether it be a boss, a pastor, a teacher, a doctor, a friend, a spouse, etc., is not a value judgement on someone’s worth.  Allowing yourself to be led is not unjust.  And it is not unjust when I choose to acquiesce to Mike’s leadership, even on things I don’t agree with.

If you do not acquiesce at work, you can be fired.  At church or school?  You can be expelled.  With your doctor?  You can become ill or not get well.  With friends, it is a give and take, and when you give authority to them, you aren’t “less than,” nor when they give you authority are they “less than.”  With spouses, it can be similar to friends, but there is that risk of resentment over time if you feel pressured to acquiesce on things that are important for you to lead.   So let’s agree that leading or following is not a value statement on the person leading or following.  Following doesn’t equate to “less than.”

Then I asked them in situations where both they and their spouse wanted to lead, or neither wanted to, what happened?  Did they feel joy, peace, and composure?   No, they used words like “agitation” and “hostility” to describe how they and their partners feel in those situations.

I asked them if those feelings were really fair?   Is it fair for them to feel hostile towards their loved one, or their loved one towards them?   And again, let’s not look at fairness towards the individual, but fairness towards their love.  They agreed, it was not fair to have their love diminished over such trivial things.  I said I never feel agitation or hostility, nor does Mike towards me.   So how is it that Mike and I are being unfair to each other or unfair to our love?   How is it that a lifestyle that fosters true joy for us ever be considered unfair? 

UNHEALTHY
Other words used were “demoralizing” or “dehumanizing.”  I took on the “dehumanizing” part first.  What is dehumanizing about feeling joy, feeling fulfilled, feeling true bliss?  Is the oneness I have with Mike (Post 30.  I found my Thrill,) dehumanizing?  Just the opposite.  These feelings are the pinnacle of the emotions you want to feel as a human.  How can that be dehumanizing?

As for “demoralizing?”   I am more hopeful than ever regarding my marriage and my life.   I am deeply humbled, but not over some defeat of who I am today, but over the defeat of who I used to be.   I am humbled to where my pride does not blind me or control me.  I am not a doormat.  I simply gave up my ego.  I am ego-less.  I no longer belong to me.  I belong to Mike.   That excites me, motivates me, fulfills me.  Demoralize me?  No.

One last point I made with them was that my motives for being submissive are fully and totally personal.  It is not because of any society expectations, religious beliefs, or, of course, any family expectations.  I state this only to share my motives with you, not to question or belittle those who are motivated by those or other things.  I believe that this is one reason I am so happy with this.  It is absent any outside influence or pressure.  It is of my own making.

As I shared in my first few posts, I was looking for something to provide a more fulfilling life for me, my husband, and family.  I stumbled across DD and made an immediate connection with it, and it has worked for me.  I was extremely fortunate to have a husband who supported it.  Contrary to what people think, I know a lot of men would not have embraced being a Dom.  Just like submission is not for everyone (man or woman), Domination is not for everyone.

After this discussion they seem to be getting it. I am sure there will be more talks before they fully reconcile it in their minds.  Note that in no way am I trying to suggest they should do this or you should adopt this lifestyle.  HOWEVER, I do encourage them, and you, to be more vulnerable to those you love.  That doesn’t mean DD or D/s, unless you feel it should.  And even then, it takes two, and a good Dom is serious about their duties to nourish, respect, and love, as much as a good sub is serious about committing to constant submission that is always there, even when the Dom doesn’t deserve it.  

Just one last thought, also covered in Post 30 but worth repeating, is that achieving oneness with your partner is not about achieving sameness.  As it says in my favorite line from my favorite song ever, “We are one, but not the same.”  (U2’s “One”).    I strongly encourage you to read Post 30.  I found my Thrill, if you haven’t already. 

Peace, joy, love, and fulfillment!

NEXT:  137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking

135. Kayla and me. The MILF and the Nubile

135

I thought I’d write a bit about my relationship with Kayla.  Just her and I.   This post is a bit of a ramble – a collection of various disjointed thoughts on our relationship.   Sorry about that, I wasn’t feeling creative enough to weave a story with a nice intro, arch, and conclusion.

It sounds and feels very natural to me to say we are in love.  It was a progressive thing.  I shared the background of her relationship with our family in several posts and introduced her on Post 76. Meet the Babysitter.  She grew up around my family and even joined us on some family vacations.  The way we described it at the time was that Kayla was like a cousin to our kids and Mike and I were like her uncle and aunt.  There were times we even told people she was our niece, or she told people we were her aunt and uncle.   It made it easier to explain and I know it made Kayla feel good as well.

When I decided to come out to Kayla about my submissive lifestyle, I had absolutely no inkling that it would lead to where it has led.  I wanted her to know about my DD simply because she hung around our household a lot and I no longer wanted to hide it from her.  I simply wanted to be my full self around her.

The revelation to her, covered in Post 77. Heart to Heart with Kayla,  resulted in her confiding a lot in me.  I learned a lot more about her regarding her sexuality (pansexual). She also shared she was a “third” in a relationship with another couple.  Even then, I had no thoughts of her and I together, or her and Mike, or any of that.  But I was feeling something at the time.  I think it goes back to the power of vulnerability.   People become very attractive when they are vulnerable.   But I didn’t think of it as love. It was more like adoration.  But, I did give sex a thought but only in jest as it seemed so cliché regarding sex with the babysitter.  I didn’t seriously think anything of it.  It wasn’t long until those thoughts began to be more serious. 

Kayla admitted that she always had a crush on Mike, ever since she was about 13 or 14-years-old.  And she says that while she didn’t identify as bisexual or attracted to girls in general, she always felt attracted to me.  She wanted to be like me, wanted my approval, and physically liked being close to me.  She said the first time she masturbated to the thoughts of being with a woman, it was a fantasy that included me.   Kayla says that when I opened up to her about my DD it immediately lit the spark that was already in her heart for me and for Mike.  (Vulnerability and authenticity can be powerful like that).

As for Mike and I, our sexual attraction and deeper love for Kayla took a little time to build, but not much.  For Mike, it started as simply sexual.  He was initially ‘for it” simply on sexual grounds.  For me, it was a mix of emotions and reasons.   Part love, part curiosity, part submission to Mike, part excitement, and part wanting to help Kayla.

As we quickly got to know the full “adult” Kayla, both Mike and I realized how much we loved being around her.  She injected a new energy in the house and fit so perfectly with how Mike and I “operate” as a couple.  It is hard to describe what it is, but her demeanor, her take on life, her approach to things, etc., all complimented Mike and I.   They aren’t exact, no more than they are exact within a two person relationship.  The few differences were complimentary and never a source of conflict.  Instead, they were sources of growth for all of us.  Just a perfect fit that I can’t fully describe.

She moved in just after Christmas, so it has only been five months, but it feels longer.  Not longer in the sense of someone overstaying a welcome, but longer in the sense that I can’t imagine not having her with us.  In addition to the intense emotional connection she has with me and with Mike, there is of course the amazing sex, the submission, and the mundane household support.  It is amazing what one more set of hands means to running a household.  I was already running a pretty tight ship regarding household chores, but with Kayla here, the house is immaculate.  Mike had to add dozens of new chores for us to do because we work so well in getting everything done.  She enjoys the various household acts of service as much as I do.

Day-to-day Kayla and I stay very busy.  Every day has many household duties for us to perform and we diligently do them all.  I don’t think I mentioned our fish before. We have four different fish tanks, some fresh water, some salt water.  They take a lot care and attention.  Mike’s the fish aficionado and Kayla knows an awful lot about them to.  It is a hobby they share in.

There are days with some down time, and Kayla does schedule in time to spend with her friends or visit her mom. There are some days where Kayla and I have sex during the day, just the two of us.  And there have been some threesomes with just the two of us and Donna.

We also spend a lot of time talking about just about anything ranging from current events, pop culture, you name it.  We also talk a lot about our individual needs for submissiveness.  As I shared before, Kayla thrives on a more Master/Slave dynamic with Mike. She is submissive to me, but definitely in a D/s way and even then, I’d call it “D/S-light.”  She calls me Ma’am, and always make sure there isn’t anything I need of her before she does something for herself.

I spank her when necessary, depending on the situation. If it is something significant, I might do an appropriate immediate punishment and leave it for Mike to determine her ultimate punishment needs once he gets home.  On days Mike is working at home, I consult with him and he might instruct me as to a punishment to perform, or he may tell me he will address it when he has a moment.

Anytime I punish Kayla I give Mike a full report.  When I do punish her I am accountable to Mike for giving Kayla “the punishment she needs and that is consistent with the punishment he would give.”  This means I have to try to think like Mike in determining how to punish her.  I could be punished by Mike if he feels I was too soft or too harsh on Kayla.  Mike will question me as to why I choose a particular punishment and why I thought he would agree it was appropriate.   So far, I’ve gotten it right and haven’t been punished for giving an “incorrect” punishment to Kayla.  

While I don’t thrive on being a Dom, I do enjoy my role with Kayla.  It is a softer type of Dom.  I like the lecturing part of a punishment the best, and I like the after care.  When I am spanking her or performing some other punishment,  I identify more with her than as a Dom.  I think about what she is feeling and going through and don’t focus on or give thought to what I am doing or seeing.  I don’t get a sense of  “domination”  but I do get a sense of her submission.

I have mentioned before that I love to watch her and Mike. Even just knowing they are having sex is arousing to me.  I like sharing Mike with her in that way,  and I like knowing that she enjoys herself immensely.  I have no complaints about Mike’s lovemaking, but Kayla considers his prowess to be at the level of a sex god.  I like that she feels that way, and I like the fact that Mike knows she feels that way.  I will say, Mike is very attentive to her sexual needs and I think because of the whole dynamic we have, Mike is able to give her things that other guys, especially those closer to her age, simply can’t or would never give.  

If there is anything more you’d like to know, just comment.  I am happy to share or answer any questions.

Oh – and in case you’re wondering, “Did Jen just post an actual picture of her and Kayla?” Part of me wants to keep you in suspense on that one.  It would be a nice cliff hanger… 

Okay, so no, it isn’t, but it is a great representation.   It is about the right age difference – the person in the photo looks perhaps just a few years older than I am (I am referring to the young gal on the right.   Not!).  Both people share a lot of facial features consistent to how we each look, which is why I used it.  We are both brunette’s though.  So sorry to disappoint if you thought it was us.  Hey, this vulnerability thing can only be taken so far. If it makes you feel better, maybe it really is us?  

Next:  Post 136. Submitted Wife

134. Vulnerable to you / 1yr blogiversary

134

Mike reads my blog from time to time, plus I’ve talked to him about the fact my greatest joy in blogging is ruminating on my thoughts and happenings in life.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts, feelings, motivations, and interpretations of something a lot more than I enjoy sharing the specifics of that something.  Mike commented that he thinks this was a “vulnerability thing.”   Okay, so Mike is not one to ponder philosophically.  He tends to just to succinctly sum things up in a few, but accurate, words.

I had to delve into what all he meant by this but when i asked him he simply said, “It isn’t important what it means to me, it’s whether it means anything to you.  You think about it and tell me what you think it might mean. ”   His retort floored me.  This was very un-Mike like.  It had this sensei flair to it, this enigmatic statement that I had to unravel and find my own meaning.  But, I appreciated the response as I took it as a self-reflection challenge, and I like to be self-reflective and I like a good challenge.

I’ve made several posts on this subject of vulnerability:  Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble,  Post 68 reblog: To Fall in Love…, and Post 129. Vulnerability. Plus…

So here’s my thoughts on Mike’s comment.  The pre-DD Jenny thrived on control, was measured in what she did and said, and only portrayed to others a limited version of herself to avoid potential negative critique.   I am proud to have shed most of those pre-DD habits, but, parts of that still linger.

I am fully vulnerable to Mike, and while the type of vulnerability we give to our partner is not the type you would give to everyone, there is an element of vulnerability that you should be willing to give to those around you.  It is about being authentic.  By being authentic, you might rub some people the wrong way, but so what?  The flip side is by being authentic, your relationships become founded on authenticity.  You connect to people as you really are, and hopefully as they really all.  The result is a deeper and more meaningful and fulfilling connection.  It is much better to have fewer, authentic and meaningful relationships with friends and family, then to have many superficial ones based on less than your true self.

I’ve shared before that vulnerability has been like a drug to me.  I love it, I crave it, and I’ve slowly become more vulnerable to those around me.   There is Mike of course, who my vulnerability has no limits.  Then there was John and Donna, and then Kayla.  They get the full and unedited version of Jenny.   I believe it is my comfort and confidence in being vulnerable that led me to tell my sisters about my DD lifestyle.  (Post 116. Revealing DD to my sisters).   It is also what led me to tell a group of my girlfriends about Mike and I “swinging.”  (Post 132. Good Grove / Bad Move).   And it has led to my overall sense of comfort and confidence in my choices.

I am vulnerable when it comes to my blog, but I definitely be more so.  THAT was Mike’s point with his comment.  I know the ultimate in vulnerability would be to post more identifiable personal details complete with pictures.  But frankly, that would be opening myself up to be revealed to any and all people.   Maybe some day, but for now I am not ready for that, nor is Mike.  Short of that, I could be more forthcoming with things I do or the things that happen to me that currently I may omit, or infer or lightly touch on but not in much detail.

A good example is our soaping punishment routine, although I’ve only received two.   Part of this routine is rinsing not with water, but with pee.  I have not blatantly stated that detail because of concern of what you may think of me.  I know it is silly to be worried about what readers think after sharing so much, but, I found it difficult to share that particular detail.  Well, it’s shared now!

Mike is correct, it is a “vulnerability thing.”  Each time I have shared a punishment with you I mention I am not one for sharing those details.  Part of me worries about what people will think – think about me, think about Mike.  I would rather write about the positive impact it had, versus share the specifics and leave it to you to conclude what the impact was.    So, that’s my response to Mike regarding what I think he meant by it being a “vulnerability thing.”   I shouldn’t be so resistant to being vulnerable to you.

This doesn’t mean I am suddenly over it.  But, I will try hard to focus on being even more transparent on my blog, especially when it comes to punishments.  This isn’t something I have to do.   Mike doesn’t require it of me, and I don’t specifically require it of myself. However, I do believe it helps in strengthening and maintaining a submissive mindset. It is more about being more disciplined in my vulnerability and not allowing old habits in.  And that IS something I want.

ONE YEAR OLD BLOG
Switching gears  – my blog just turned one year old a few days ago.  Thank you to everyone who reads, likes, and comments.  I am close to 100,000 views and about 18,000 visitors.  I like it that I get 5 to 6 views per visitor each month as it means to me that people are intrigued enough to read multiple posts.   Writing this continues to be very fulfilling, and now, perhaps more so as I strive to be even more vulnerable in my future posts.   And I took notice that by far the most visited post is Post 25. Intense Spanking Part II, about twice as many as the next visited post (Post 12. Our DD Contract).   You kinksters seem to like to read about punishments!

I’ll take that under advisement.  Ultimately I blog for me, but I like it when others like it, and I also like the vulnerability of it.  I just have to remind myself that sharing details of a punishment is an act of vulnerability, thus an act of submission.  That should be plenty of motivation for me to enjoy doing so.  But even with that motivation, my greatest pleasure in blogging is still from waxing philosophically about being a submissive wife and living the wife-swapping polyamourous Domestic Discipline lifestyle that I live.

NEXT: 135. Kayla and me.