297. Love without Limits – My Ode to Blogging

297

So many things I could share — A spanking I got?  Nah.  How about some expressive rant about what submission means to me?  Nope.  Talk of sex with John and Donna?  Uh-uh.  Oh, I have a new person I could tell you about, that’s it!  Nah, just not feeling it.   

Why am I not feeling it?

I’ve been cogitating on my prior post where I shared feeling self-conscious about my nipple piercings and pubic coiffure.  The term “self-conscious” never really resonated with adequately describing what I was feeling.   So what is it??

Then it hit me.  I realized there was more to it than a feeling of self-consciousness.  Further, whatever I am feeling is related to my posting hiatus at the end of the year and my lack of focus on what to share on this post.  Yep, what’s going on is deeper than I imagined. 

More on that in a bit. 

WHY I STARTED BLOGGING
Just after our first anniversary of giving Domestic Discipline a whirl, I reflected on my journey in self-amazement.  I couldn’t fully wrap my head around how far things evolved, not just in a DD sense or a kink sense, but in a relationship sense with Mike.  I had to write things down to fully think through and articulate to myself what this all meant to me.  So I did.  I typed pages and pages of stuff recalling my journey and thought process.  I did it as a mental and emotional exercise, initially not intending it for anyone else to read. 

But the more I typed, the more excited I got.  I just had to share my wonderment.  Yeah, a bit narcissistic, but hey, when you feel you found a good thing, you want to shout it from the rooftops.  But where?  I recalled having read a few blogs as part of my initial research.  That’s it, I would blog about it!

I took those early writings and turned them into my first dozen posts, up to the point I shared my first detailed Domestic Discipline Contract.   I initially never thought I’d go beyond that, but hey, I was hooked.  It was fun to blog, and a great way to sort through my thoughts.  So, with Post 13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”, I stated my intent to keep posting.   I had no idea it would lead to almost three years of sharing in almost 300 posts.     

WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
All the while I had Mike keeping an eye on my blogs.  He is very private, and his go-to response to sharing even the tiniest morsel of personal information online is, “What’s the upside?”  To his credit, he has been good about allowing most things I want to share, with a few obfuscations as to names and some other details.

Mike understood my upside.  Sharing was exhilarating for me, liberating, self-validating.  It warms me to know that others may find value in my insights and journey.  These feelings have propelled me to keep sharing and share more. 

But something has changed, and I was incorrect in my last post.  I am not feeling self-conscious about anything.   So what am I feeling?

SITTING ON A GOLD MINE!
I cherish the life I have, a life that I have worked hard to achieve along with Mike.  I feel so fulfilled, so purposeful, so meaningful in my day-to-day living.  More connected to Mike, more connected to my kids, and to everyone.   I’ve experienced the joy that comes through loving without limits, and it’s not just the sex.  The “free” sexuality aspect of TTWD is just one of many ways to express love without limits.  Such love goes beyond my submission, the sex, and the kink — but to be honest, it was the submission, the sex, and kink that showed us how to love without limits. 

It led us to John and Donna, to Kayla, to the naturalist lifestyle (and the conversation with the neighbors), to helping my friend Valerie,  to interesting conversations with other friends of mine, and to Matt.   Philosophically, it reinforced my belief that your perception is your reality.   And once I perceived a more loving, accepting, and nurturing world, that world became my reality.  Without getting on too much of tangent, I believe people project a certain vibe, and that vibe attracts or repels certain things…people, experiences, etc.   Project a different vibe, attract a different life – it’s karma.

I feel I have this great life that is extremely precious, more so than ever before.  

PROTECT THE GOLD
My life is a gold mine of fulfillment, pleasure, joy, and love.  Why do anything to risk it?  Why put it out there for others to scrutinize?  Why risk coming into contact with the wackos like the “
Fuck you, John” troll?   Why should I be doing anything that poses even the slightest risk at upsetting my apple cart of bliss?  Why share anything shocking that may prompt a negative response or make it that more damning if I am uncovered?   Why open myself to criticism over a very alternative lifestyle?

This “What’s the upside” feeling has been a major headwind that has slowed my blogging

Yeah, all those risks were there from day one, but day one I did not feel I was risking anything of great value.  And now my DD, my whole dynamic, everything about my life that I have shared — it’s priceless to me.  What’s the upside in putting it out there?

So I started feeling more protective of the life I built.  I didn’t want to “show it off” on my blog.  I didn’t want to do anything to draw attention to me or my dynamic.  The piercing and pube thing?  Yeah, that’s minor, but was all about trying to be more invisible.  I responded to fewer emails, I posted less (or not at all), I didn’t talk about it with friends who were aware of certain aspects of TTWD, and I became very passive in so many aspects of my life.  Yeah, trying to be more invisible.

REALLY, WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
If writing is cathartic, I can do so without putting it on my blog.  So I thought, aha, that’s it, I’ll continue to write but just put it all in my diary.   

But as I considered this, I realized something.  That would just suck.  That would be boring.  And frankly, I hate being invisible.  It just isn’t me.  I am typically “loud and proud.”  And let’s face it, blogging is fulfilling.

Through blogging, I gain. . .

EMPOWERMENT
It creates a strong sense of community that can’t be replaced IRL.  Sure, I could try to forge relationships by going to a FetLife function, but let’s be honest, that’s not where you go to workshop your esoteric rambles!   If it is, tell me where you live, I want to go to one of your FetLife functions.   Let’s face it, self-expression is just more difficult IRL.  Yeah, blogging creates a sense of community, and that sense is empowering.

ATTENTION?
Sure, I could just write in my diary, but that lacks the “publicness” of a blog (is that a word? it is now).  And let’s be real.  The attention of the page views, the sharing in the “likes,” and the participation in the comments. . . yeah, being able to witness the impact of my self-expression gives me a little buzz.   Who can’t help but like the little dopamine hit that comes with every click count we see, every like we get, and each comment that is made?   Look at me, look at me!! hee-hee.  Yeah, I admit it, as I have before, I am a bit selfish.   And, I already said I was a bit of an exhibitionist.

SELF DISCIPLINE 
Making myself think through an event or emotion helps build the emotional muscle memory to make better knee-jerk thoughts in the future. So many times I’ve started to type the “why” or “what” about a feeling, only to realize after typing it out, my initial thoughts were not really what was going on in my soul.   The exercise of getting to the bottom of what and why I am feeling something is just like any exercise.  It builds muscle – in this case, “emotional muscle,” to better understand my feelings going forward.  

BETTER LISTENER
Understanding myself better and allowing myself to be more vulnerable allows me to better understand others and approach them in a way that is more empathetic.  In fact, I’ve found the WordPress community to be empathetic, which makes it even easier to demonstrate my empathy.   I’ve learned from Twitter that it serves no useful purpose to have a dialogue with people who lack the basic empathetic skills necessary to view any experience other than their own as legitimate.  Yeah, that pretty much sums up Twitter.   In any event, that’s not what I get here.  People who aren’t into TTWD either just move on, or may still politely inquire or comment about one thing or another.

MORE ASSERTIVE
I just realized there is an assertiveness-building aspect to blogging.   I don’t mean assertive in an “in-your-face” thing.  That’s not assertive, that’s aggressive.   I mean boldly stating TTWD without apology helps reinforce my confidence in TTWD. 

I AM GOING TO KEEP GOING
I encourage everyone to blog, whether about dating, cooking, a day-in-the-life, or your significant other spanking your insolent butt!  Whatever the topic, it can deliver all the above rewards.

Blogging about TTWD has become important to me.  I’ll get through this funk and plan to keep on blogging.   Yeah, there are risks, but nothing worth gaining comes without some risk.  The risks are small as long as I remain diligent and under Mike’s watchful eye (and firm hand).     

Hopefully, my sharing serves as one more crack in the cornerstone of thinking that kink is disgusting, except your own. Embrace your kink and find others who will embrace it with you!  I sure have.  IRL and with you!  

Love without limits, and you get loved without limits. 

Next: 298. Beware I.S.D’s – Improvised Spanking Device

296. Piercings and Pubes

296

If you haven’t figured out by now, I lack an ability to be succinct.   I am not one to say in a few words what I can exhaustively analyze, deconstruct, and put back together in hundreds of words.  See, even then I couldn’t just leave it as an inability to be succinct.

I thought this would be a quick post.  Simply to state that I let my nipple piercings close and have been growing my pubic hair.    

Done.  End of post!

Not.

JEN IS EMBARRASSED?
I am not one to normally feel self-conscious about things, whether it is what people think about TTWD, or about my appearance, or really about anything.   However – I found myself becoming more self-conscious about my nipple piercings and pubic hair.  

It’s ironic that our nudism was part of the trigger for this uneasiness.  After all, I’ve found that nudism makes you less self-conscious and more accepting of your body.   Yeah, I get it.  I can try to rationalize away my uneasiness, but sometimes, you just can’t.  You feel what you feel and you just have to deal!  Emotions don’t care about logic.   

Pre-nudism, my piercings and pubic hair were private and limited to the purview of those involved in TTWD.  But now that we are full-fledged nudists, well, it ain’t so private anymore!  And had a growing self-perception was that I was putting out a message that didn’t represent me or my thoughts.  Something had to change.  Those thoughts weren’t changing, so, the piercings had to go, and the hair had to return. 

HAIR DOWN THAIR
For the longest time, Mike had me and Kayla with the same “look” down there, whether it be hair or no hair.  But then Mike went through a phase where he had one of us sporting one look while the other sports another.  “Visual variety” as he calls it!   Um, okay, as if our different physiques weren’t visual enough.  Mine is not to question why.  Mine is but to do or get spanked!   lol

My self-consciousness over this started when I was bare and Kayla was bushy.  It started to feel to me like I was putting out the perception that I was trying too hard to do what the young folks do.  

And it wasn’t just my mind comparing myself to Kayla.  When we are at T & E’s farm, I am often the only one bare down there.   At times the 17-year old has been bare, but it messes with my mind either way.  When she is bare, I feel like I am trying to “style” myself after the teenager.  When she doesn’t, it compounds my self-consciousness that I am the odd one.  

NIFTY 50
Part of what was going through my mind is that I am going to be 50 later this year.  I also think 
my tattoo added another wrinkle to a weakened psyche.  Not to say a 50-year old can’t rock a new tat along with her nipple piercings and bare pussy. . . but THIS 50-year old?  Why do I want piercings drawing more attention to my vein-marbled-droopy-boobies along with looking like I am trying really hard to “compete” with Kayla?

Adding to what was influencing my emotions — I am only around naked women who are younger than me, and sometimes much younger.  Kayla is the 24-year old with the awesome figure, yet no nipple piercings.  (She did pierce her nipples and clit shortly after moving in with us, but let them close-up only after a few months).  

Again, I get it.  I know there is nothing wrong with anyone of any age piercing whatever they want to pierce, or having their pubic hair in whatever shape or length that they want, or getting a new tattoo at any age.    It was just for me, all this added up to something my psyche wasn’t comfortable with it. 

THE GUYS?
For whatever reason, the pube situation in the men and boys has no influence over my uneasiness.  If you are keeping score, you can mark down Mike as one who goes back and forth with his look.  Frankly, he would probably leave it grown out but Kayla enjoys shaving him and he never refuses when she asks.  And as for other menfolk, it’s a mixed bag of various looks from bare to full to all things in-between.  

MIKE’S SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS
In discussing this with Mike, he shared that he also was starting to feel a bit self-conscious about the pube thing, but with Kayla.  H
e said the first time we were around others and Kayla was bare and I wasn’t, he started to think others might be inclined to think he wants Kayla to look like a little girl.  Like, it isn’t enough that she is so much younger than him, and is very youthful in her physique, but she makes herself look more like a little girl.  Wow, that never crossed my mind, but once he said it, I too had a hard time getting it out of my mind.

REFLECTION
We both know that the chances are good these thoughts are only in our mind and not what others are thinking.  And even if they aren’t 
thinking such things, so what?  Right?  Well, again, you can’t rationalize away some thoughts.   

It would be different for us if the “others” we are talking about were strangers at a nudist beach or kink-friends involved in TTWD.   But we are a family of nudists in a growing family of nudists.  I think that’s why, in this particular situation, I am more sensitive to thinking about what others might be thinking. 

I don’t mind people thinking odd or ill thoughts of me regarding our relationship with Kayla or any aspect of TTWD that they may be privy too.   If they don’t like it, well, too bad.   But, it bothers me to think that others may believe that I feel I am in competition with Kayla, and it bothers Mike to think others may believe he is into little girls.   To be clear, no one has ever indicated or implied any such things.   These are just things in our minds, but they are powerful enough that we have addressed them. 

And don’t think I am some fragile self-conscious timid and insecure person.   I am not.  But when it comes to my nipple piercings and my bare pubic area —  well, guilty!  

HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW?
So piercings are gone and hair is growing back. 

I remain committed to sporting whatever type of pubic hair, or lack thereof, that Mike wishes, and will pierce whatever part of my body he wants me to pierce.  But for now, he has allowed me to remove the piercings.  And he had Kayla shave so that both she and I were bare together, and then we both have been growing it in for about a month now.

I sense at some point I will look back at this and not relate to feeling self-conscious and find my feelings silly.  But frankly, it is not up to me anyway.  I will share with Mike whatever it is I am felling at whatever time he may ask about it, and will abide by his demands.   I just hope he doesn’t ask for a bejeweled butterfly a la the image I used on this post!  Then again, maybe I can usher in a new trend for the newly 50-somethings!

Next: Post 297. Love without Limits.  My Ode to Blogging. 

295. The one about the comment (the “Fuck You John” troll)

295

I wrestled with whether I was going to do a post about this, but clearly, my internal “Post it” camp beat out the “Don’t Post it” camp.

You have to read the comments by “Inspired by Music” on Post 289. The Holidays- Thanksgiving.

I really feel for her as she obviously was messed up by her experience with some guy named John, who she mistook me for.   With each successive comment, I began to worry that what I said could actually influence her emotional and possibly physical well being.  It was a bit unsettling for me, but I imagine even more so for her, as initially, she believed I was John (and maybe still does?).     

She stopped commenting and I never received an email from her.  She also deleted her own blog which had a handful of posts.  I think she finally accepted that I was not this John fellow.   I am going off that assumption and thus decided to do this post. 

Her comments definitely have me wanting more.  Who is John?  What other blogs has she thought were him?  Were any of them actually him?  What is it that I have in common with him that made my blog feel like John wrote it?    What did John do to her?  What’s her story?  

I hope she is able to move beyond her disgust for John and see the humor in the mistaken identity.  If not, at least I hope that you do.  Take a look at those comments

Wow, a short post by Jen!  (Hey, I heard that!).  

.

.

.

or is it John?   lol.

Next Post:  296. Piercings and Pubes

294. How to have fulfilling “joyless” sex

294

KEEPING THE OVARIES
No hysterectomy!  I rescheduled back in October because I felt uneasy.  Not sure exactly what it was, but something in me left me unconvinced that it was the right thing for me.

After more reflection and continued dealing with various lady-part problems and symptoms, I decided I should move ahead with it; after all, the doctor was clear that I would benefit.  It was set for December. 

The hospital called the day before the surgery to go over the intake process.  I was ready.  About an hour later, my phone rings and it is the doctor’s office.  My doctor, whom I’ve had for about 22-years and who delivered two of my children, was “no longer with this practice.”  Surgery is canceled.  I would have to schedule a consultation with a new doctor and see what they recommended.   WTF??

As it turned out, they fired my doctor for performing unnecessary surgeries.  After my consult with the new doctor, she made it clear to me – a hysterectomy was not indicated based on my medical issues.  Many of my symptoms were just menopause related, and those that weren’t directly related could be treated with various meds and/or therapies.  JUST AS I ALWAYS SUSPECTED.

I learned a long time ago that no one knows your body better than you, not even your doctor.  And doctors can be wrong.  Medicine is not 100% science.  There is an art to it and the artisan skills are molded by the logical fallacies humans are predisposed to when we aren’t diligent to avoid them.  Add to it, even the most “flawless” doctor can’t account for everything.  Then throw in the possibility that some doctors may be motivated by something other than the standards of care. 

Moral of the story.  Trust yourself regarding your own body!  If something doesn’t sound right to you, get a second opinion!

Side note — my new doc is a female, a first for me.  I don’t know why, but, I had always preferred a male gynecologist.  I liked my new doctor and plan to stick with her (and female gyno’s going forward).  Oh – and in case you wonder – I’ve been honest with my doctors about my sexual activities.  I am sure my new doctor had quite the story to tell her husband when she got home!

IN A RELATED STORY
I had very little sexual desire through much of October and December.  In fact, I had little motivation to do much anything.  If not for my dedication to Duties and Obligations, it would have been a very lazy and unfulfilling Fall.

This lack of overall desire for much of anything was also one more piece of why my blogging respite went on for so long.  I was unmotivated to blog or do much of anything.  Finally, with my hormones in order, things have returned to normal.  Well, my version of normal anyway!  lol. 

The experience provided me with a unique perspective.

SEX WITHOUT SEXUAL ENERGY
We’ve all likely had times where we weren’t feeling frisky, but this went way beyond that.  I lacked any sexual response to sex.  Emotionally I wasn’t feeling it, and that lack of emotion had physical manifestations.  My nipples didn’t perk up, heart rate and breathing didn’t accelerate,  I didn’t get that “flush” feeling in my stomach, chest, or face, and no tensing of the muscles in my thighs and hips, no tingling in my nether-regions.  . . and certainly no orgasm.

I didn’t feel connected to my own body.  It all felt a bit impersonal.   Sounds awful, yes?

Well, actually. . . No.  It could have been awful if it went on longer, or if I feared it might be permanent.  I somehow knew it was all just related to hormones and compounded by the death of my father

I made the best of it.  After all, it wasn’t like I had a negative response to sex.  I wasn’t feeling guilt, sadness, or disillusion regarding sexual activity.  I just had no feelings at all, one way or the other.  I was this sexually emotionless body going through the motions.  No excitement, no plateau, no orgasm, no post-coital bliss.  And it was great!  Okay, great is an overstatement.  But, it was good.  

HOW TO HAVE FULFILLING “JOYLESS” SEX
I discovered a key ingredient that makes for fulfilling sex despite an absence of sexual energy.  Intimacy!    I still felt intimacy but in a whole new way.

I found myself 100% focused on the other person.  I felt the rhythm of every movement they made.  I felt the heat of every breath they took.   I felt the crescendo of sex in them. And I experienced their orgasm in a way that I can’t adequately describe other than to say it was very fulfilling.  (This is when I wish I had more literary skills as “very fulfilling” just doesn’t do it justice).

In addition to the feelings, there were the observations.  I mean, think about it, how often do you really watch the other person and think about every little thing you are seeing.  Sure, a glimpse or thought here and there, but I am talking about a prolonged look.   The closest I’ve come to this is in threesomes or group settings when I watch others, but typically I am also part of the sexual energy as well.  To be part of it all but not feel any of that sexual energy made for a very different experience.

I am not one to only focus on myself during sex; however, I have never been 100% focused on the other person.  Let’s be honest.  You can’t help but feel the tingles, the yearnings, and all that comes with the crescendo that ends in your own climax.  Since I wasn’t feeling any of those things, 100% of my focus was on the other person.

In some ways, it felt a bit clinical.  Like I was observing others having sex, even though I was part of it.  But it also felt like I was connecting with the other person in a new and more profound way.   Instead of experiencing sex from my point of view, (a point of view driven by all the electricity going through my body), I was experiencing it from their point of view and I was fully tuned into the electricity going through their body.   

While it was wonderful to be exclusively focused on their enjoyment, at times it felt more like I was simply providing a service.  After all, I was doing something solely for their benefit, absent any sexual satisfaction of my own.  Normally, the feeling of service will tickle my submissive spot, but that spot was also numb during this time. 

JOYLESS SUBMISSION?
Yeah, I wasn’t feeling particularly submissive throughout this period.  It made it difficult to get through my chores each day until I found new motivation.  Since submission by itself wasn’t motivation enough, where could I find it?  

I found it through my dedication to my submission.  I took it all as a new challenge.  Basically, performing my Duties and Obligations absent my normal joy would become my new act of submission.   In other words, I wanted to demonstrate to myself a new level of commitment to my DD by adhering to all my Duties and Obligations at a time I just wasn’t feeling it. 

I’ve done that before, but that was only mild ebbs and flows of “not feeling it.”  This time, it was a tsunami of “not feeling it.”

I WAS LUCKY
The moment I first felt the hint of indifference I chalked it up to hormones and felt confident it was temporary.  I think that is why I was able to experience this in an upbeat manner.  I can imagine how hard such an occurrence could be on other women who can’t put their finger on the cause or worry that it may be permanent.

I also think about what this experience would have been like pre-DD.  While I believe I’ve always been fairly well intuned with my body, that wasn’t always the case when it came to sexual energy.   This would have caused me a lot of self-doubts and stress, which would only compound all the issues.

Further, I doubt I would have been as vocal in sharing my funk with Mike, thus he would have been largely in the dark over what was going on with me.  All he would see is an unattentive wife, in the household and in bed.  I am sure tensions would start to run high, an outburst here, an argument there.   Yeah, it would be have been bad.

MORE KUDOS FOR MY DD
I was motivated to demonstrate a new level of commitment to serving Mike.  Yes, I wanted to show him, but more importantly, I wanted to prove it to myself.   And yes, it definitely helped that this was backed up by knowing there would be consequences (i.e. spankings) for failing in my Duties and Obligations. 

My DD helped this be a positive experience, albeit one that I am glad has ended.  I mean, a girl needs the excitement of the build-up, the plateau, the climax, and the post-coital bliss.  Okay, let’s be honest, while that other stuff is nice, it’s the “BIG O” that I missed the most!  

Next: 295. The one about the comment

293. Love is not Pie

293

2+1 DOES NOT EQUAL 3?
Kayla’s submission continues to evolve based on her needs and desires, not mine.  That is how it should be.  Her rules and rituals have a greater mix of M/s than do mine.  And out of love and concern, there have been times I have asked questions and provided my own insights and thoughts.        

Mike not only welcomed this but also solicited my advice, as did Kayla.  I was encouraged to speak up and speak often.   After all, we all had a lot to learn.  It’s one thing for me and Mike to experiment and learn within the backdrop of a 25+ year marriage.  It’s another when you are talking about a brand new relationship with someone over 25 years younger than you.   So yeah, any additional insights were valued by everyone.   But people grow and relationships evolve.  

I was slow in fully recognizing the growth and evolution.  It should have been more apparent to me, especially after our Relationship Bonding Ceremony, a ceremony designed to publicly recognize and acknowledge that growth and evolution.  (See my P.S. below re that Ceremony).   And by slow, consider that it was a year ago when I shared a somewhat similar situation.  You think I’d have figured it out sooner.  (Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year).

With what I shared on my prior post, it is finally very clear to me — my feedback is no longer needed, nor appropriate, at least in the manner in which I previously provided it. 

It’s about understanding that our relationship is NOT three separate relationships (Mike/me, Mike/Kayla, Kayla/me).  It is ONE relationship with three people.   In other words, it isn’t that 2 + 1 = 3.  It is that 1 + 1 + 1 = 3.   In math, it’s the same, but in relationships, the difference is night and day.

ON TO THE PUNISHMENT
Okay, so what was the punishment she received that had me concerned?

Mike took a lot of vacation time in December as he needed to use it up or lose it.   A few weeks ago while J was at school, Kayla asked Mike for permission to go to the bathroom, as is customary.  Instead of the typical, “You may go,” Mike, he told her, “Go get a diaper, put it on, and return here.”   This is not something he had ever previously commanded. 

Kayla responded, “But Sir…”

Mike cut her off, told her to bend over, and he spanked her with his hand about ten times in quick succession.

“Do I need to repeat myself?”

“No Sir,” and she did as she was told and returned wearing the diaper.

“Now, go. Right here, right now.  Go,” Mike ordered.

“Sir, I need…”

Mike again cut her off.  “Pull down that diaper and bend over.”  He spanked her again by hand, at least thirty times.    He then reminded her that if she has important information to share, she needs to know how to properly share it.

There are no “buts” when it comes to responding to Mike.  We never respond with a “but.”  For me, I always try to remember to replace “and” with “but.”   Instead of, “No Sir, but…”  It is, “Yes Sir, and. . . ”  Sometimes it’s hard to remember this when he asks something unexpected, and his request clearly caught Kayla (and me) off guard.

This time Kayla said, “Sir, I have something I would like to tell you that you might find important to your demand that I go in my diaper.”

Simply put, she had to poop, not just pee.  Mike’s response was, “That changes nothing. Let me know when you are done.”   She complied.  And even stranger for both Kayla and me was that Mike took care of cleaning her.  Diaper play, at least when it comes to a bowel movement, has almost exclusively been limited to our Immersions,  and even then, Mike didn’t partake in any cleanup.

I was puzzled but didn’t say anything at the time, but as I shared in my prior post, I used our Maintenance to question it.  

LOVE IS NOT PIE
I have always felt that love is not pie.  It is not to be divided and rationed.  It is infinite and to be shared. 

While labels are always tricky, they do help serve as a sort of compass, to at least give us general direction.  And the needle of our relationship is now pointing a bit less toward polyamory, and a bit more towards polygamy.   Obviously not in any legal way – but in a way that more accurately describes our relationship.  

I am happy about the evolution of our relationship.  I am sure it will continue to grow, nurtured by love and respect.  Oh, and submission to Mike!   

P.S.  I just realized!  I never really posted about the party we had in mid-October.  We invited friends and family over for a party that we promoted and celebrated as a recognition of our relationship with Kayla.  It was our way of saying we are not doing anything to try to hide what she means to us.  Our family knows.  Mike’s co-workers know.  Our friends know.  We memorialized it with the tattoos I shared on that post.
It was a lot of fun and felt very rewarding.  While it meant a lot to me and Mike, it meant even more to Kayla.

Next: Post 294. How to have fulfilling “joyless” sex 

292. Kayla’s Triad Thursday Declaration

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I’ve promised a return to sharing more kink.  Forget family time!  It’s time to appeal to more prurient interests.   Yeah, be honest, that is why you read a blog like this! 

Well, I guess I lied.  You’ll have to wait for one more post.  This one will be the set up for the sizzling and salacious, the depraved and degenerate, the indecent and impure, the. . . well, you get the picture.  It sets the stage for the “fun” stuff, in this case, a punishment.   Yeah, I am flipping the Jenny script and sharing the aftermath of a punishment, then I’ll share the details of the punishment on the next post.    

This isn’t even about a punishment I received, it is Kayla’s.  What?  “In three months of no posting you didn’t receive a single noteworthy spanking?”    Yep.  I mean, not that I wasn’t spanked, but nothing noteworthy.  Anything I share of the last two or three months would be indistinguishable from other posts about punishments.  I can’t motivate myself to write about something that is so derivative of prior posts.  So instead, I will write about Kayla.  What makes it noteworthy is that it marks an evolution in our relationship.   

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES
Like most relationship changes, they come slowly and as part of a change in someone. 
The “initiator” recognizes a need for change before the other person does.  The initiator often stays silent for some time as they first try to understand and reconcile what that change means for themselves.   Even once they do, they sometimes are unsure how to articulate exactly what this change is.  Then there is some trigger, a tipping point, and they verbalize this change.  

In this case, the tipping point involved a punishment Mike gave Kayla.  I’ll share the details in the next post, but basically, it surprised me.  Not in its severity – it was not severe. It was just very different. 

I’ve learned to trust Mike and not question or worry about Kayla in regards to her discipline.  In fact, it was exactly a year ago that I learned that lesson well re Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.  That lesson was about learning to approach my concerns from a point of curiosity and of seeking clarity.   This was especially important when it came to issues dealing with Kayla and my concern that Mike remain on point with providing the discipline she wants and needs.  

TRIAD THURSDAY – KAYLA’S DECLARATION
We’ve started calling our Thursday Maintenance sessions “Triad Thursday” since, about eight months ago, we turned this into a family meeting of sorts with me, Mike, and Kayla all coming together for Maintenance.   As Kayla’s punishment in question happened on a Thursday, I felt it was a great opportunity to find clarity and resolve my concerns. 

Kayla’s reaction to my inquiry surprised me.   She said something like, 

“Jen, this is a great example of something that’s been bothering me but I haven’t been able to put my finger on.  I know you love me and are only looking out for me, but that’s the thing, I don’t need you to be looking out for me that way.   At least, not when it comes to the things Sir says or does to me.  Even though your questions are respectful, it still hurts me to have you question his disciplining of me.   If you want to know how I feel about a punishment I received, you can ask me.  Don’t bring it to a Maintenance.  This is not a Maintenance issue.”

Followed by. . . 

 “I want to be treated more like a wife to both of you than a “lesser third in a TriadI don’t want you as a mother, I want you as a friend, a partner, a confidant, a lover.”

Wow.   Yep. Those were her words.  She said it didn’t come out exactly how she intended, but, that yeah, the essence of it is all in there.  It’s hard to hear someone say that.  Your mind just hears, “I don’t want you.”  Thus, my defenses were triggered, but fortunately, my defensiveness didn’t last long.  I credit my years of training as a counselor and my generous and empathetic heart.  Yep, it had absolutely nothing to do with the stern look and word my initial response got from Mike. 

Brushing aside my bruised ego, what quickly ensued was a meaningful dialogue between the three of us.  I’ll spare the blow-by-blow, but it was positive, constructive, and loving.  The short version is this — Our relationship with Kayla is two years old, and Kayla is now 24.   While she was always mature beyond her years, she has grown a lot in those two years.  And ” a lot” is an understatement.   Her needs have changed.  Not as it relates to her submission, but as it relates to me.   

I had given up on being a disciplinarian to Kayla some time ago.  Part due to my own needs as a submissive and part due to her no longer desiring it.   And when she first moved in with us I was very much a “helicopter girlfriend” as I was very concerned for her well being.   And while I didn’t do this nearly as much, I still hovered over her needs in a motherly sort of way.   She was declaring her independence from my motherly type concerns for her.   Good for her!   And because I have been prone to sarcasm, I’ll state that there was no sarcasm in that statement.  Only pride, joy and love.  

SECOND WIFE?
We have been using the term “second wife” for a while in describing Mike’s relationship with Kayla.  Mostly in jest, but there is a tinge of seriousness to it, as there often is in humor.  But we had never once used that word to describe her relationship with me.   But she was right.  What has been evolving, and what her declaration just formalized, is that indeed, our relationship has crossed over to be more of that of “spousal peers.”   That was the term I came up with and she said, “Yeah, that’s it, that’s what I am trying to articulate.”     

It isn’t that she didn’t appreciate how she was treated before — she loved how we have treated her and credits it with her tremendous growth as a person.  It is simply that her needs have changed, and she is looking to be treated in a way that is consistent with her current needs.     

She is no longer that young woman who wants or needs my protection.  She is simply that young woman who wants and needs my love.  I should not go to Mike when I have a concern about Kayla that I have not yet shared with Kayla.  That is no different than how Kayla has treated me since the beginning.

While “wife” has legal connotations, it also has a lot of emotional ones.  And Kayla expressed she wanted the mantle of that title, not just between her and Mike, but between me and her. . . albeit an informal, non-legally binding title.   And for her it isn’t about any of the legal rights bestowed on that title. She is not interested in any of that.  She is interested in the standing it gives her in our family dynamic regarding how she is treated by me and by Mike.  It was easy to grant her this and both Mike and I committed to treating her this way from now one, whole-heartedly.   

There were no ill feelings from our conversation.  I truly lost my defensive feelings very quickly.  In addition, Mike reminded me how important it was for me to be so involved in her discipline and be overly sensitive to her needs in the early days of the relationship.  Even if I wasn’t administering discipline, I was often providing feedback to Mike, and not just because I would easily give it, but because he would frequently seek it.   While Kayla credits Mike for how wonderful of a Dom he is for her, Mike was quick to remind her that it came with a lot of insights from me.   

With a little reflection, any bruised ego or defensiveness I felt was quickly replaced with positive feelings.  Kayla’s “declaration” is part of the success of her growth that I have played a part in.  Far from feeling defensive, I feel admiration, love, pride, and joy – both to and from Kayla.  

Now, I know most of you pervs are saying, “Finally, you made your point.  Now, just tell us what the hell Kayla did and how she was summarily punished for it!”   Next post!

Post.  Love is not Pie

291. The Holidays – New Year’s Eve

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This is the third and final post catching you up on my holidays.  And it is just in time as it is actually New Year’s Eve!

I’ve shared with you a bit about my Thanksgiving and Christmas following the death of my father.  Now, it’s on to New Year’s!!

NEW YEAR’S EVE
T2 and G had to get back to California, and we decided to spend New Year’s Eve at T2’s and E’s place, much to J’s delight.

J really loves their emerging farm.  There is still a lot of work to do at their new place, but it is slowly coming together.  They got a pet pig!  As in, yes, a pet.  It’s amazing.  They are as smart, maybe smarter, than most dogs.  It roams the house just like a dog would.  J loves it.   And of course, J gets to see his girlfriend, L.

OH YEAH, J’s GIRLFRIEND
They still sort of dating, to whatever extent that word has meaning for young ‘uns these days.  I mean, apparently L had a sort of boyfriend at school, but just someone she would go to movies with and hold hands.  They apparently did kiss as well, so yeah, I’d call that dating, but, they don’t.  It’s odd to hear 11-13-year-olds talking about “not being exclusive” but that’s how they talk about it.  Like, “Yeah, I like him okay, and we have fun together, but it’s not like there is any obligation to be boyfriend and girlfriend.”   All of that contrasted with the fact that L does call J her boyfriend.  Wow, a little poly girl in the making.  Just kidding! 

Really, it is fascinating.   Of course, they shun any labels.  To them, it isn’t being poly or being anything.  It is simply “being.”  They don’t see it as a big deal, or any sized deal.  It simply isn’t a deal.  It just is.  Maybe we can learn something from that?

And J is fine with that.  He isn’t the least bit jealous and was quite logical about it.  “She lives far away and has a social life at school.  Of course, she will meet boys she likes to hang out with.  That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like hanging out with me when we get the chance.  At the point she doesn’t want to hang with me, she won’t hang with me, no different than me with her.”   I was startled to hear him say that.  Or in their vernacular, “I am shook.”   Not in a negative way, just in a surprising way, a pleasantly surprised way. 

BACK TO NEW YEAR’S EVE FESTIVITIES
New Year’s Eve will be at J’s and E’s, along with E’s cousin, her husband, their three kids (aka, The Nudies), and J.  Apparently the three cousin’s kids have invited some friends over as well.  Not sure how many.  And yeah, given the extended guest list we had to ask about attire.  We were told it is the same as always.  At both J’s and E’s as well as at her cousin’s, it is always “clothing optional.”  So we trust that whatever other friends they will have there are duly advised.

It’s been rainy here, so no fireworks ban where J & E live.  They apparently stocked up along with E’s cousin to put on quite the private fireworks show.   Plus all the smaller stuff that goes with it.  Hum, maybe sparklers and nudity aren’t such a good idea?   Plus, it’s supposed to be cold outside.   

Flying sparks and near freezing temps aren’t a place for our kibbles and bits.  I guess we will find out who the die-hard nudists are in the family!

Happy 2019!

Next: 292.  Kayla’s Triad Thursday Declaration