279. And baby makes three — age play

279

Click bait!  Yeah, this post is about a baby, but not what you are probably thinking.  Then again, knowing some of you, it may be exactly what you are thinking.  lol

I’ve been dealing with some recurring migraines that now appear to be gone, and my son was sick for a few days.  All that added to my blasé desires for posting lately. 

Life continues to chug along in a pretty uneventful manner.  Of course, for me that means nudity as a nudist, spankings as a submissive, and lots of sex as a…well?  I should just let you fill in the word (re Post 271).  Hee-hee.   

It’s like I’ve stated before.  There just isn’t anything noteworthy or any new revelations I’ve made about myself and my journey with DD.   I am not lamenting the fact – after three plus years of growth and evolution, it’s about time things settled into more of a routine.

My previous post focused on my friend, Valerie.  Since I once again lack anything interesting to say about myself, I will focus this post on a Kayla update.

KAYLA AND IS US
She recently started her second year towards her Master’s degree.  By May she should be done with school and ready to join the ranks of the underpaid working class.

When she moved in with us (it will be two years this December), our discussions centered around the thought she may move out on her own upon graduation as she would look nationally for the best job opportunity.   Now, her thinking is she will stay here.  The job prospects here are fine and more importantly, she wants to live with us indefinitely.  We are 100% on board with that.  

We try to remain cognizant of reality – the reality of our age difference.  To remind everyone – I am 49, Mike is 50, and Kayla is 24.   For me and Mike, we often talk to her about our concerns for experiences she may miss out on regarding life among her peers.  For her, she retorts with all the experiences she has had and will continue to have regarding life with us that she would never be able to experience with her peers.   And it isn’t like she doesn’t have friends a bit closer to her age – she does (well, most are in their early 30’s, but that’s still a lot closer than us).   Bottom line is we love her.  I love her.  And she loves us.  We are three!

I am going to share some very personal things about Kayla, but I have her permission and she reviewed this before I posted it.  

ABDL/AGE-PLAY
I mentioned our foray into ABDL as part of our annual Immersion.  Practically since the time she moved in with us, Kayla has experimented with a bit of age-play and ABDL.  But it was more a curiosity and not as a regular thing.  Well that has changed. 

And she is very open and honest about what she gets from such play.  It serves as a type of therapy for her.  She says she emerges from each “play” session feeling a bit more reconciled with her upbringing.  I’ve shared before that she wasn’t physically or sexually abused, but the emotional abuse came in the form of being ignored and verbally abused – and her mom was/is an alcoholic.   The way she describes it — She leaves our “play” sessions feeling secure and loved as a little girl, replacing  the feelings of insecurity and fright that she experienced as a little girl.    

DO YOU HAVE ANY INSIGHTS?
I have no insights into age-play.  I don’t know if the value it serves Kayla is common or not.  Although I assume for some it is about reconciling a past trauma, I also assume for some it is simply a fun way to express yourself.  Not all kink is born of trauma. 

All that really matters for us is that it benefits her.  I don’t need to know any more than that as far as my concerns for Kayla go.  However, I am interested in how others feel about this.  So if you are a little, or are a “daddy” or “mommy” to a little, I hope you’ll comment.   

WHAT A SESSION LOOKS LIKE
I’ve read of age-play that can involve hours of play, in an elaborate child-like setting complete with décor and furnishings to match the mood.  That’s not for Kayla (and if it ever is, we are totally willing to accommodate her needs).   

Most of the time our sessions involve just me and her, but Mike has participated at times.  We don’t have any set schedule for this play.  It’s whenever Kayla needs it.   There have been some days we’ve done it two or three times in a day, and some days none at all.  She tells us when she is needing it.

The details vary based on the time we have and whether or not J is home.  Typically it has occurred when J is at school.   It goes something like this . . .

Kayla will simply say, “Can Mommy feed me.”   Although the last few days she now just takes her finger and taps it against her puckered lips as a signal that she is hungry – after all, babies don’t talk!   

I take her by the hand and we go into our spare bedroom.  Yeah, this baby can walk when needed.  I am just not strong enough to carry her.  If Mike is there, he will pick her up and carry her to the room.  

We don’t have it made up to look like a nursery or anything child-like about it, but we have put together a “baby drawer.”  It has a blanket, diapers, baby powder, baby wipes, pacifier, and stuffed animal (it’s a little unicorn).   These things aren’t hidden, but if we are to have guests staying at our house we would obviously remove these contents. 

I spread the blanket on the bed or the floor and she lays down on it on her back.  I put a diaper on her, complete with a few shakes of the baby powder.  I put the pacifier in her mouth, hand her the stuffie, and then go to the kitchen and prepare her bottle.  I warm up some milk and make two bottles and return to the room.

The bed is lengthwise against the wall.  I get on the bed and prop my back up against the wall with some pillows.  She then gets in my arms.  If Mike is there, he lifts her up and places her in my arms.  He might also put on the diaper while I get the bottles.   I cradle her as best I can. She curls her legs in a semi-fetal position with her head resting in my cupped hand, another pillow propping up my elbow.  and the bottom part of her legs and her feet resting on the bed.   Hey, she’s about 5’4” so is just a tad too tall to be fully comfortably cradled in my arms.   

If Mike is there, he sits down in a chair.  We are all quiet.

I position her head in front of my breast.  I lift my breast so that my nipple is on her lips.  She sucks for as long as she needs.  When she stops sucking, it’s my cue to get the bottle.  I hold it just to the side of my breast and she takes the bottle until it is gone.  We change sides to my other breast and repeat this.

It’s all very quiet while she feeds.  Nothing is on in the background.  I sometimes will hum and stroke her hair.  It’s very surreal and serene.  If Mike is there he might comment once or twice during the feeding.  Something positive like, “Look how beautiful she is.”   When the bottles are done I just hold her. 

It’s been amazing.  She has fallen asleep a few times, has even cried a few times from the emotional release it gives her.  Eventually she will get restless – she never speaks – as a way to tell me she wet her diaper.  I change her into a fresh diaper.  I then leave the room (as does Mike if he is there). 

Kayla stays by herself for as long as she needs.  Sometimes she naps or just lays there awhile before getting up.  On a few occasions she has even masturbated.  She eventually gets up and takes off her diaper and emerges from the room when she is ready.  She gets a big hug from us and the play session is over.  

It’s amazing to be part of this experience for her.  Kinky? Sure.  Weird? Fine.  Bizarre? Whatever.  We don’t care what it’s called or how it looks.  It just works for her and I am happy that we can fulfill that need for her.   We will support her as her need for it increases, diminishes, or evolves.

Next: 280. You can’t beat that! A spanking story

278. Spank some before you threesome

278

Things are in such a good groove!  School year has started off well for J, as well as for Kayla.   We are in a nice routine in all aspects of the household, including the DD.  Yes, an occasional punishment here and there for me, but nothing transformative or worth writing about.   Except perhaps to mention that twice I’ve had to wear clothes during the day to cover marks.   

Right after Immersion I still had some noticeable marks on my butt and thighs, so I only went topless around the house.  J didn’t even ask as he knows we dress (or don’t dress) based on whatever we feel like that day (Reality — any given day Kayla and/or me might need a day or two for marks to fade).    However, J questioned me when I went without bottoms but kept a shirt on.   Yeah, I got a breast punishment recently that left a bruise or two.  It fully faded in a few days.  My answer was that my back was bothering me and I wanted to wear a bra for extra support.   Oh the lies we must tell!

REMEMBER VALERIE?
Without anything noteworthy to report in my DD, I thought I’d talk about someone else’s.   Back in Post 267 I shared that my friend, Valerie, came to me for some “martial advice” of sorts, namely, a “how to” on introducing some elements of DD in her marriage.

Before I get into an update on her….

I re-read Post 267 and saw that it connected a lot of dots with my prior post.  In the post about Valerie I even used the word “suffering” to describe her – she has been “suffering her emotions” for 20-ish years because of society/family/religious influences told her that suffering was righteous and fulling.  That’s just total b.s. and is exactly what those in power want us all to believe.   Anyway, as I shared in the post about her, she had this drive to be “free to be me” as she put it.  She had this burning desire to take all of who she was and present that to her husband, and in return, she wanted all of who he is.  In other words, be 100% vulnerable to each other.  (There, I met my DD Jenny requirement of bringing up vulnerability on every post – hee hee).

I ended that post without insight into how things went when she finally opened up with her husband.  I thought I’d share some insights now that I have them. 

JENNY, DD ESQUIRE 
I helped her in creating a contract of sorts for them.  It wasn’t as formal as mine, but spelled out her Duties and Obligations and gave her husband latitude in determining the punishments.  From everything she says, they are enjoying their journey and feel closer than ever – and they are having more sex than they’ve ever had!   Vulnerability can be very sexy!!    

This led them to also open up with each other about their sexual history and fantasies.  Valerie shared with him that she had sex with women before they were married – and it was more than just a one-time thing.   Her first experience was in high school, then another in college, and one just before they got married – but they were engaged at the time.  She was prepared for him to get upset.  He did not and, in stereotypical style, he thought, “You know, I’ve always wanted to try a threesome.”  

As a quick aside — While it may not be 100%, I bet the 80/20 rule applies here.  Anytime a woman shares with her male partner that she had sex with another woman, 80% of the time the male partner will ask for a threesome.  And the other 20% – well, they will definitely think it in their head!   Men!  hee-hee. 

SEEKING A THIRD?
I took it as a good sign that her husband verbalized this.  It shows a level of vulnerability and trust – or maybe just a level of, “finally, my chance to have a threesome!”   Well, whatever the motivation, he said it.  

I asked her what she thought about it.  She said she’s on board and the deal is Raul (her husband) could watch her and the other woman, and could have sex with her (Valerie), but not the other woman.  With those terms, she was all for it if they could find the right person. 

Valerie said she wasn’t asking me, “since I was married.”  Keep in mind she knows all about  Kayla’s relationship with me and Mike and know that we “swap” in a foursome.  I didn’t question her reasoning and figure she just didn’t want me to be the “third.”  However, she did want my ideas on who might be a good match.   Valerie is a very reserved person, even though she has obviously opened up to her husband, and shared a lot with me.  I could tell that she would be mortified at actually approaching anyone else with this idea.

We ruled out our lunch bunch gal pals because according to her criteria, they are all married.  And she also felt she didn’t want to include any closer friend as it would just be weird and she didn’t know if she could trust her friends to keep quiet as they don’t want this “getting out.”   

I don’t know Valerie and her husband, Raul, well enough to feel I could help play matchmaker with anyone else I know that they don’t know.  I knew right away that I might be the right person for them and I sensed she felt that way too.   I was not in a position to offer that without Mike’s approval.  So I tucked that idea away until talking with Mike. 

Mike said no, for now.  We need to get to know them better – so Raul and Valerie were invited to our first “football day”  last Sunday.  John and Donna agreed we would tone it down as the purpose was just to get to know them better.  There wasn’t any nudity or sex or kink of any kind.  Yawn!!  LOL.   It was just a sort of meet-and-greet.  Even though the only consideration is whether to offer me as a “third” for them, in a lot of ways they would be part of our “Circle of Trust,” or at least partial-members, so certainly we all needed to know them better, especially Mike.

I didn’t tell Valerie that Mike was evaluating them or that I was considering offering myself as their third.   Doing so would be awkward if Mike eventually says no.  And if Valerie flat-out asks me at some point, I will just politely decline, figuring I could always come back later and say I reconsidered.    

NOT ME!
It’s too early to know for sure, but for now, it’s still a “No” from Mike.  We plan on hanging out more with Raul and Valerie, so we will see how it goes.  They are nice, but they do have a different vibe than our current Circle of Trust.   We sense that while clearly they have opened up to each other, they are still uncomfortable (afraid?) to admit it or demonstrate it in any way.   They still put on a very conservative, vanilla front.

Mike feels it’s one of two things.  One, they are unable to be honest in who they are, thus too risky for us to get involved with.  Or Two, they are not being honest with each other, and thus still too risky for us to get involved with.   Not that he expects them to shout their kink from the rooftops, but, they come across as still coming to terms with their own kinks.   That’s just not a good environment to drop a “third” into.

And during our meet and greet another idea came to me.   It just might be that Donna would be a good candidate as their third.  It’s not really Donna’s thing, and I suspect John would have to be there which may be a no-no to Raul and Valerie.  But Donna seemed to hit it off pretty well with Raul and Valerie.  So who knows what’s to come?!

Going back to my prior post, they need to get  to the point they understand their emotions and actions, rather than hate, ridicule, or ignore them.  And they just don’t seem to be there yet, not that they can’t get there.   Simply put, they need to gain more confidence in their newfound DD.

They need to walk before they run.  Or is it, look before they leap?  No wait, I got it, it’s spanksome before they threesome!  

ha ha ha ha 

Next: 279. And baby makes three

277. Understanding myself and my submission

277

I think if my blog has one consistent lesson, it is this:

Don’t suggest your husband spank you as you may get what you asked for. 

Ha!  No, that’s not it.  It’s this:

Don’t chew ice.

Okay, not that one either, although if the consequences are “chilling” enough, you might not ever chew ice again.   

Alright, maybe the lesson isn’t a lesson, but a question. 

That question is  —  It is more fruitful to understand our emotions and actions than to hate, ridicule, or ignore them?

Aha!  Yes, that’s it!  And maybe there should be a second part to that sentence of, “… and whether you understand them, hate them, or ignore them, a good spanking can cure what ails you.”   LOL!

IT’S ESOTERIC RAMBLE TIME
It’s been a while since I’ve dropped some Jenny-style psycho-babble.   I’ll do my best to try and make this a coherent as possible, as I have a lot of disparate thoughts rolling around my head.  

I was doing some thinking as I am prone to do, trying to come up with one idea or theme that I felt was the predominant thread in my blog.  Sure, it is a blog about Domestic Discipline, but I feel a consistent theme I’ve gone back to time and time again is that we should take the time to understand our emotions and actions.

Another word for this can be self-awareness, but this word can be tricky.  Your awareness of yourself is always limited.  It is limited by, well. . . by your awareness of yourself.  While you can do things to be more aware – complete awareness can not exist (any Buddhist’s out there may respectfully disagree).   To me, what can exist is a better understanding of yourself.  This becomes a constant journey and not a final destination of 100% self-awareness.

And if you are a long time reader, I will flunk you now and send you to the principals office if you can’t answer the question, “And how does one better understand themselves?   It’s all about the “V'” word –  vulnerability.   

WHAT SELF AWARENESS MEANS TO ME
I don’t want to repeat myself as there are probably a dozen posts dedicated to the “V” word and a dozen others that touch on it.  (Beavis:  “Aa-huh. . . she said touch the V.”  If you need a refresher, here’s one post I often find myself referring back to Post 67.

Vulnerability is only the catalyst.  It is not the end-all, be-all.  It is the catalyst that helps me increase my self-awareness.  And if you buy my definition of self-awareness as being  a “better understanding of oneself,” then vulnerability allows me to better understand myself.

This begs the question, What is it about myself that I am trying to understand?”   

I believe it comes down to me trying to answer this question, “What is giving rise to the different feelings I am having?”   I’ve always been highly self reflective, but I have only been fully honest in my reflection for the last 3-4 years.   It can be very difficult as the things that give rise to your feelings can be highly complex and a combination of external influences and things that are just from our own nature.   Navigating that complexity is made even harder due to the many built in bias’ we all have. 

Here’s a great article on bias.   While not tied to self-awareness, it gives a great lesson on the bias’ we all have.   The point this article helps make is that if you don’t take time to really question yourself, your motives, your feelings, your reactions, you likely will never get to the root of what gave rise to them.  You will discount/ignore any “bad” or unhealthy motivations and assume only the “good” or positive motivations applied to you. Thus transformation/growth is not possible, and ultimately happiness and fulfillment will allude you.  

My drive to try and understand myself comes from a perspective of boiling life down to two choices:

  1. Understand your emotions and let that understanding be transformative and manifest themselves in positive ways. 
  2. Suffer your emotions – hate them, ridicule them, or ignore them, and let them manifest themselves in negative ways.     

And recently I added a third part to this:

3. Understand that #1 and #2 can also apply to those you allow into your life re “understand their emotions or suffer their emotions.” 

If you strive for #1 as I do, keep in mind that if you have done #2 for too long, you may need professional help to break out of it.  That’s the core of what a psychologist and psychiatrist does – it is about helping you understand your emotions.  Doing so requires you to be honest (vulnerable) to them and pour out all your “truths” to them.  Or, you can just be vulnerable to your significant other and let them spank you.  lol

Thus, I am compelled to try and understand my thoughts and emotions behind Active submission vs Passive submission which I wrote about in Post 275.

ACTIVE SUBMISSION?
I think I used the word “Active” because up until recently, practically all my submissive acts were caused by me.  The motivation of those acts were borne in me.  They flowed from within me, and flowed out of me. 

PASSIVE SUBMISSION?
Contrast that with “Passive.”   That is where I find my submissive acts are becoming only partially from me or even not all from me.  That is, they are requirements of Mike to which I am willing to meet.

Both are worthy submissive acts.  Both are fulfilling.  One is not better than the other.  They are like water from a different well.   There is no substantial reason they are different.  But emotions are typically not reasonable.  It is in the emotions where you find the difference.   

If  you are a submissive, it doesn’t matter if you more closely identify as Active vs Passive.  There is no right or wrong way, or even an absolute.  You can be half-and-half, or lean a little, or completely, one way or the other.  It isn’t about what I have come to understand about my emotions.  It is about what you discover when you come to understand yours.   Of course, this is my blog so I will talk about what I’ve come to understand fro mine.

POWER EXCHANGE IS ABHORRENT?
I’ve written that I am finding passive submission is as equally rewarding as active.  As I am beginning to understand it better, the truth is, at least for now, it isn’t!    Passive submission is MORE rewarding to me.  I think the reason has to do with power, and as a submissive, I thrive in giving up power to my husband.

As humans, I think we are wired to derive joy from power.  It’s what makes wanting to be submissive so counter-culture (Post 27. Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission).   It doesn’t have to be overwhelming power, unless you are an egotistical, unstable, self-absorbed narcissist, but enough about Trump.  It can be as simple as the power of persuasion. Think of the little shot of joy we all get when someone “likes” a post.  It’s like, yeah, at a minimum, I persuaded them to consider what I had to say.   

Whatever it is, it is human nature to derive joy from power.   If you agree, then the antithesis of this is that there is sadness when power is diminished.  Thus, if we lose influence, lose certain controls, it is human nature to become sad.

Therefore — now stick with me — whatever increases our power makes us happy and we value those things as being “good.”  And whatever decreases our power make us sad and we value those things as being “bad.”   

Thus – a person who voluntarily gives up power must be sad, bad, and violating  human nature.   It is only natural to conclude that Domestic Discipline or a Dominant/submissive relationship is abhorrent.   

But for a submissive, there is no joy in retaining and demonstrating power.  It’s more clear said in the positive  — for a submissive, there is joy when power is given away. 

Clearly a submissive defies our natural instinct to enjoy power.   I find it odd that society looks down upon someone who gives up so much power, and looks up to someone who craves total power – even abusing that power along the way.   It is the power-hungry who destroy lives, oppress and harm people for inhumane reason simply because they can.  Far from submissives being “abhorrent,” there is something wrong with those who derive all their joy from power…and that goes for people who idolize (and vote) those that do so.  Deplorables indeed!  I digress. 

Like most things, this is not an absolute.  It is not a choice between “all powerful” and “completely powerless.”   I do not seek to be completely powerless.  I have a voice and I have influence over Mike.  But by evolving from my active submission to my passive submission, I have given up more power.  And that was the final step in reaching the level of submission I was looking for.   

IN CONCLUSION
I’ve been fulfilled each step of our DD journey.  And every step was critical to allowing me to reach this destination point in my journey.  I’ve stated before that when we started, I would have never accepted the level of submission I was at a year into our DD, or two years into it, or now, three-and-a-half years into it. 

I’ve been fortunate in that it seems like I have always had the level of submission that I needed at the time. I believe it is because I remained vulnerable to Mike, and he to me, and we’ve cherished being completely open and honest with each other and most importantly, with ourselves.  It’s about taking time to reflect and trying our best to understand our emotions and actions, and the emotions and actions of each other, rather than hate, ridicule, or ignore them.  

Here’s a quote I found that connects the importance of honesty in D/s.  It is from Byron Cane: 

D/s is a true partnership between equals who find things they both enjoy in a loving, respectful and most importantly, honest relationship with full knowledge, consent and trust.

Next: 278. Spanksome before you threesome

276. “My submission” becomes “His Dominance”

276

You’ll want to read the prior post as this picks up where that left off.    Once again, a post filled with arcane thoughts rolling around in my head.  

I WANTED HIM TO FEEL DOMINANT
I’ve had very few punishment spankings the last several months.   I’ve been an extremely compliant submissive!   I was looking forward to the Maintenance spanking with the thought that I’d like Mike to spank me hard.   In addition to just “needing it,” it was the perfect opportunity  – J was away and not to return for a week.  We not only didn’t need to worry about any noise, but I had time for marks to heal.      

I remember telling myself I shouldn’t wish for such a thing since we were starting Immersion the next day.  Surely it will be filled with spanking and assorted physical demands.  But I told myself that those would all be in the context of Immersion.  I wanted one in the context of our “everyday” domestic discipline.  Make sense?  Of course not, but such is the mind of this submissive!

I didn’t say anything to Mike, so I was pleasantly surprised when he used the cane as hard as he did.  (again, refer to prior post for the details of that spanking).  Perfect!  Just what I was hoping for.  And when he repeated it the first time – it was surprising but a perfect surprise!   But the third time?  Then the extra hard ones at the end?   Not what I had in mind.   But something in my head flipped.   Actually, two things flipped

One – I had this feeling of being dominated.  I’ve never felt that.  Instead of me being and feeling submissive, this spanking gave me a feeling of being dominated.   There is a difference.  In that moment this new feeling of being dominated cascaded over me and I loved it and wanted more.   

Two – I had a sense that Mike was feeling dominating.  I’ve never sensed that.  And in that flash of a moment I felt some shame.  Shame in being selfish in my submission.  Up to that point, I always thought of our DD as revolving around my submission.  For the first time, I was seeing it, feeling it,  based fully on Mike’s dominance.   Again, sounds subtle, but the difference is significant.    

And I loved it.  I wanted to feel every ounce of his dominance and wanted to sense every bit of dominance he was feeling.  Thus my request to repeat the caning.

The amount of pain was surpassed by the amount of pleasure.  It was like a whole new sensation for me.  It’s been years since a spanking evoked a new feeling, let alone one this intense and satisfying.  

HE WANTED TO DOMINATE
Afterwards when we talked, Mike said the most amazing thing.  Now remember, I hadn’t said a thing to him about what was going through my head.  Mike said, “Gosh Jen, when we started I planned on just the typical amount for a Maintenance, maybe a little harder, but not more strikes.  Then, I just had this need to give you more, then more, and more again.  Something told me I needed to really get your attention and demonstrate I am in charge.  I don’t know where that came from.  Are you okay?”   

As we talked, it basically came down to a change in Mike in that moment.   Instead of me being his submissive, he wanted to be my Dominant.   He was feeling the exact same thing I was!  It is a spooky coincidence.  Consider that we adopted Domestic Discipline three and half years ago and simultaneously arrived at this need for a monumental shift in our thinking.   Really amazing – at least to me.

He said he felt he needed to give a meaningful Maintenance to instill that Dominance.  There wasn’t anything going on that made him feel like his dominance had been slipping, or that my submission had been lacking.  Far from it, we both have been very happy with where we were.  But, clearly there was something in our subconscious that recognized a need to change the dynamic.   And we amazingly had this “thing” erupt from us at the same time.  It’s more amazing than cumming together!  LOL!

MIKE IS A DOM
With Mike fully recognizing and acknowledging the need to feel Dominant, I suddenly felt the final piece of the puzzle click in.   Coupled with all that I shared previously about “passive submission” I knew I finally arrived.  I was at the level of submission I was always seeking.

This wasn’t a journey to be more submissive for him, it was a journey to be his submissive.   

I’ve touched on that theme before.  I sort of sensed this last October, leading up to our new Agreement.  I even posted about it – Post 171.  Submissive to Mike or Mike’s submissive?  But it took ten months to really get connect with that feeling and both both of us to recognize it’s where we want to be.   Previously, my submission flowed from my desire to be submissive.  Now it flows from my desire for Mike to be my Dominant.   My DD is truly no longer mine.  

I AM CONCEITED – ANOTHER EPIPHANY
There were other contributing factors to my writing funk.  Another is that I was feeling like I sort of betrayed my prior writings.  All the stuff about “My DD” and being the one in control of my dynamic – and now this revelation?  I just felt like a different “DD Jenny,” and in some ways wasn’t unique or special.  As if I was special for doing DD “my way” versus Mike’s way.  I know that sounds so conceited, but I am being honest.

I know that  all the things I’ve learned along the way have contributed to, and were absolutely necessary ,to get me where I am today.  Every experience and emotion shared was authentic and true in that moment.   And who is to say it won’t continue to evolve?   Maybe even devolve back to “My DD.”   I don’t see that happening, but I didn’t see this happening either.

So yeah, that sounds rational, but emotions are rarely rational.  And like I wrote in Post 33, emotions reveal your true essence.  And as part of this epiphany I realize  how conceited and self-centered I can be.  I’ve always sort of known it, but tried to justify it as a positive trait.  It’s probably what makes me so open and is what gives me my bouts of “verbal diarrhea” as Mike calls it when I feel compelled to share every fleeting thought I have.  It isn’t from a lack of shame or over abundant confidence.  It is because I am vain!   There, I admit it.

It was my self-centered thinking that created the condition my marriage was in pre-DD.  It was my self-centered thinking that got us into DD as this was 100% my idea and was started 100% on my terms.   Sure, it all worked out, but unlikewhore,vain is not a term I want to own.

Thus, my new journey in submission is to be the sub that Mike wants me to be, not the sub I want to be.   Sort of a chicken-and-egg thing because the sub I want to be is the sub Mike’s wants me to be.   But unlike the chicken/egg conundrum,  in this case, we know what comes first – Mike!    Yes, there is some balance in order for it to work, but the scales will be tipped less towards me and more towards Mike.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME
As monumental as I made all this out to be, the reality is, nothing has changed except my perception.    Even though it feels very comfortable and “perfect” to both me and Mike, our dynamic is still a journey.   It’s now had the benefit of three and half years of being on this trek, so the scenery is familiar, the path is more clear, and there are fewer unknowns.

We follow our typical routines and rules and nothing notable is different.  Mike has said he is very happy where things are and if he feels his dominant mindset is in need of a boost,  he wouldn’t necessarily look to my butt as the remedy!   Much like I would verbalize my need for more submission, he will do the same regarding any need for Dominance.  The result of which is that I may very well offer my butt as remedy!   Hee-hee.   Although I probably shouldn’t laugh as that statement is not rhetorical. 

NEXT!!
This all got me thinking.  I am long overdue for posting an esoteric ramble!  I am already thinking of a doozy!    I’ve been searching deep within myself to better understand my neediness regarding my new perceptions on submission.   I’ve come up with a theory. 

And hey, if you want to start on your own esoteric ramble, here’s some fodder as this is what I think I will write about next — 

We are better off understanding our emotions and actions versus hating them.

Post 277. Understanding myself and my submission

275. Active Submission vs. Passive Submission

275

So this writing funk I mentioned two posts back. . . yeah, it started about mid-July and for about a month I couldn’t quite place what it was.  I just didn’t feel an energy to get on my computer for any reason.  It wasn’t just my blog and my “private” me (the one that blogs and corresponds with a handful of “email buddies” met via this blog).  But even the “public” me – the one with Facebook, surfing YouTube, and chatting with IRL friends, as well the one who surfs various news, Twitter, etc.   I had this need to just stay away from it all.   Part of it was PTSD – President Trump Stress Disorder, but that was only a part of it.  

ACTIVE SUBMISSIVE MINDSET 
My submissive mindset has always been very “active.”  Three-plus years of actively pursuing the “right” level of submission.  Actively looking for validation – little mental markers or milestones as evidence that I was on the right path.  Activity looking for feedback from Mike to make sure we stayed calibrated in understanding each other’s needs.   Actively needing to reconcile the “threat” submission has to my upbringing and society norms.   

It also included actively guiding Kayla on her journey.  I worry about her and want to make sure she is being fulfilled, both in her relationship with me and with Mike, as well as feeling good about herself.   

All this “active” efforts kept me focused on my submissive journey, a journey that has been fulfilling beyond all expectations.  And these efforts compelled me to want to share my journey and  project my joy on to others via my writing.

PASSIVE SUBMISSIVE MINDSET
Well, lately I’ve felt more of a passive mindset.  As I stated in that prior post, I feel we have found the right level of domestic discipline, or D/s dynamic that works best for us.  I no longer have a need for validation every step of the way, for I am here, no more steps, and my validation is that I am happier and more secure as a wife, mom, and person than I have ever been. 

Additionally, Mike and I have basically “institutionalized” our calibration process.  That is, we don’t have to think about it.  It just happens.  The Maintenance Sessions and continued open and honest communication is a reflex that doesn’t require effort.  It just happens!    

I don’t feel submission is a threat to my upbringing or social norms.  Better yet, I don’t feel my submission threatens my upbringing.  I was taught to pursue my passion and love life, every moment, every dayWhile I am sure my mom didn’t think my passion would include submission, the great thing about how I was raised is that I was left to define my own passion.  Further, being open to my friends and family about my submission and not being rejected for it has further reconciled any “threats” I once felt  ( far from rejected, it has led to others opening up about their own “kinks” or “unique” relationship dynamics).   

Lastly, Kayla has grown tremendously.  The once awkward and sullen wallflower now exudes a confident, shining personality and inner beauty.  She had just turned 22 when she moved in with us, and will be 24 in a few months.  A great age for a lot of personal growth and maturity, with or without my influences.  I don’t see her as that little girl in need of protection.  I see her as a young woman who can hold her own and who knows who she is, what she wants, and how to get it.

The result is my submissive mindset is now a bit more passive.  Don’t mistake that for docile or disinterested.  It connotes a level of acceptance that is void of resistance or effort.   It just is!

WHAT PASSIVE SUBMISSION IS LIKE
I still can’t fully describe it, but perhaps I can describe what it isn’t.   There isn’t this yearning, this ache for something that seems just beyond my grasps.   It is comfortable, it is automatic, it is a reflex.  And yes, it is still just as fulfilling as the “active” submission.

I was already feeling it a few weeks prior to Immersion.  It struck me during a spanking (hee hee, a little spanking humor).   Simply, I wasn’t feeling like a spanking.  I mean, it isn’t like I typically look forward to one, but, they always have the effect of feeding my submissive mindset.  In this case, I wasn’t feeling like it served that purpose.   It was simply a consequence of my actions, and not a part of making me feel submissive.  

That sounds subtle, but that was huge for me.    I still can’t quite articulate what the difference is.  I can only repeat it in various forms —  I fully accepted the spanking as a consequence of my actions, not as a result of my submission.   I was being punished because I earned the punishment, not because I was submissive.  That all just feels soooo different to me.  I felt equally fulfilled, but just different.  Again, I can’t explain it (which means my next post will probably be an attempt to do so!)  

THE EPIPHANY CANING 
We had just dropped J off at my parents and returned home.  It was Maintenance Sunday and our plan was to have a normal evening and start our Immersion in the morning.   Mike gave a Maintenance spanking using the cane. 

He struck me about six or seven times, a couple more than normal for a Maintenance, and a bit harder than usual.  Then he said he wasn’t satisfied with the results and he repeated the six or seven strikes, a bit harder than the first set.   I had to grit my teeth and squirmed a bit as they were starting to really hurt.  He inspected my ass and again said “not good enough, one more set.”  And he repeated the strikes, even a bit harder than the previous set.   

By this point it was really hurting and my increased whimpering turned into tears. I didn’t know why he was giving such an aggressive Maintenance.  Then he said he still wasn’t satisfied and there needed to be a few more really hard ones.  My thought, which I kept to myself was, “like those last ones weren’t hard enough?”   I got three more and really started to cry.   He then said that was enough.

I don’t know what came over me, but, I asked him if he would repeat the Maintenance.  Not just the last strokes, but all of them.  That meant another 20-25.  I’ve never had so many with the cane.   Mike asked me if I wanted to talk about it.  I told him, “Not now, can you just do it?”

Mike complied.  I ended up a crying, sobbing mess.  I hadn’t cried that hard in a very long time.  It was a pretty monumental cry.   And my butt looked as you would expect.  Very striped and very red and soon purple. 

What was that about??   Next post.

Next:  276.  My submission becomes His Dominance

274. Got Milk(ing)? Immersion 2018

274

Missed-erectomy
Quick update – a few posts back I mentioned I am getting a hysterectomy.  I rescheduled it until early November.  I originally was going to have it Monday – which was the first day of school for J.  I decided I would rather wait until we settled in on a school routine – Kayla is back in school as well – before having to be laid up for a few weeks.   Yeah, a bit of a weak excuse.  The reality is I just am not looking forward to it.  But I will get it done this year.  Mike was supportive of me rescheduling.   Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming – – – 

DESIRE VS FANTASY
Although I may slip up now and then and refer to a desire as a fantasy, I want to point out what these words have different meanings to us.  We use the term “desire” for things we want to do.  We reserve the word “fantasy” for things we enjoy thinking about, but wouldn’t really want to do.  This goes way back to an early post
(Post 16).  Funny, reading that post today gives me a chuckle.  We have become so comfortable sharing our sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies that I forget that it used to be uncomfortable to do so.   

MIKE’S DAIRY DESIRE
Read the prior post if you haven’t.   And now, I’ll get right to it.    Nurse Ann, or more accurately, Nursing Ann.  Yes, she is lactating. 

Adult breast-feeding has long been a desire of Mike’s, but I didn’t learn about it until about three years ago when we started opening up about such things.   Pity he didn’t share this fantasy back when I was breastfeeding.  But I also was in a different mindset and may have rejected the notion at that time.   I am so happy we can be open about such things now.   Ever since he told me of this desire I’ve kept it in the back of my mind, hopeful that I would come across the opportunity to help him fulfill it.  Well, now it’s done!

By the time Mister and Nurse Ann arrived early one morning, the rest of our entourage (John, Donna, Matt) had been with us at the rental for about two days.  Matt was leaving soon and John and Donna would be leaving after lunch.  Matt left soon after we wrapped up our “orgy,” leaving me, Matt, Kayla, John, and Donna with our new acquaintances.   

We were all naked, including Nurse Ann, who disrobed and masturbated as she watched all the sexual activities.  Mike then told us that they weren’t here just for the sex, and that Nurse Ann was here to breast feed “us.”   Yes, while her primary purpose was to fulfill Mike’s desire to breastfeed, we all would have a turn.

Mike went into the bedroom alone with Nurse Ann as he wanted it to be a more private experience.  In addition to nursing on Ann, she gave him a hand job.  I guess her and Mister don’t consider that sex re the “no sex with Ann” edict.   To each their own. 

Mike told me to go next, and he came into the bedroom with me and watched.  I already knew what to expect taste-wise as I had tasted my own breast milk way back when.  Yep, no change.  If you’ve never tried it I imagine it is a bit like taking a glass of milk, warming it, adding some water and adding a touch of sugar.  Yeah, watered down sweet milk, but not too watered down as the taste isn’t watery, just less, well, what’s the word? Less cow milky?   Ha!  That made me do a google search.  Here’s someone’s description that I thought was worth sharing.  

I enjoyed it, both for myself and because I know Mike enjoyed watching.  I enjoyed looking up into Ann’s eyes as I suckled and the look on her face.  I knew it was doing something for me sexually as I felt the moisture between my legs.  Mike could sense it as a few minutes into it he told me to finger myself.  He told me I had couldn’t stop sucking until I came.  I eventually did, but not until she reached down with her hand and began fingering me.

Nurse Ann then needed a break to recharge.  This gave us the opportunity to learn more about her and Mister.

MISTER AND ANN
They have two kids who were staying at grandparents (how familiar!), but they are older and not breastfeeding.  Turns out that while she did breastfeed them when they were babies, she stopped and her milk supply subsequently dried up.  A few years ago she “expressed” (hee-hee, that’s a breast-feeding joke), to her husband that she wanted to lactate as she, in her words said, she “wanted him to feed from her breasts.”

She actually induced milk production without getting pregnant.  She said it took about five months of work before she started producing, and then the production increased to where it is today – about three to four ounces every three to four hours.   A supply on par with someone nursing a baby.   And her and her husband have always had a kinky sex life that included other couples, that eventually she decided to continue producing milk as sort of their “thing” in TTWD.

We learned that at one time they were into full swapping, but evolved to where he is free to have sex with women as long as she is present, and she will only masturbate and watch or manually stimulate other men or women (check, check, and check).   Mister did say one downside to this kink is that sometimes her breasts and nipples get very tender, but that also is part of the pleasure she gets.  He quipped, “it’s hard to explain why they pain is also the pleasure,” to which I was quick to retort, “You don’t have to explain that to us!” 

I was intrigued by the concept of inducing lactation.  Apparently it just takes a combination of the right stimulation and herbal supplements (there are also prescription drugs).  I’ve since googled it and found adoptive mothers often do this and in some cultures, the grandmother does it as a way to provide a backup to the mother.  Who knew? 

I later said to Mike, “Sir, before the idea goes any further, I am calling ‘red’ on trying to get me to induce lactation.”   He smiled and admitted the thought crossed his mind but he wasn’t going to ask me to do it.  For one, we’ve been talking about me getting a breast reduction (which I’ve put off until some time next year due to my upcoming hysterectomy), and I can’t be lactating.  The other is my boobs are big and droopy enough – I don’t need them engorged and swollen ever again!

Kayla half-jokingly said she would be willing to try if it meant gaining a cup size, but Mike said he wouldn’t want her to do so with the warm and loving reply of  “No need to stretch those puppies as they are perfect as they are.”  hee hee.  Also, apparently it is much more challenging to induce lactation if you have never lactated previously – although I don’t know that for a fact, but it must be true as I read it somewhere on the internet!

OTHERS GET A TURN
Ann was ready to feed again by early afternoon.  Thus Kayla, John, and Donna got a turn.  Kayla was smitten.  She really loved it.  She quickly asked if she could do it again.  Mike said the plan was that we would all get the opportunity to do it at least once more and after that, it would be up to Nurse Ann to allow more.  

The second time around John declined and said, “Kayla can have mine if that’s okay.”   Which it was.   Mister and Nurse Ann stayed with us that entire day and spent the night, leaving early the next morning.  John and Donna left that afternoon.  Me, Mike, Kayla, and Mister had sex again before the night was done, and Kayla fed on Nurse Ann’s breasts a few more times.   

When it was time for bed, Kayla asked Mike and Miss Ann if she could have one more feeding before going to sleep.  She also asked if it could just be her and Miss Ann.  Up to that point me and Mike always watched.  Mike and Miss Ann agreed.   Mike and I went to our bedroom and Mister to his, leaving Miss Ann and Kayla alone in the living room. 

Quite some time had passed so Mike went out to the living room to see what was going on.  Miss Ann smiled at Mike as she was cradling Kayla’s head next to her breast.  Kayla was asleep.   She had completely drained one breast and had switched sides to suckle on the other and ended up falling asleep.   Mike motioned to Miss Ann to wait just a minute as he went to get me from the bedroom so I could see this.   

Mike felt this was a perfect transition to the next day which was Kayla’s DDlg/ABDL day.
He lifted Kayla up in his arms and carried her like baby.  She woke up and he told her to just relax.  He put her down on the floor outside the bathroom and gave her a sponge bath, then picked her up again and took her over to this pallet he had put together in the bedroom to serve as a makeshift crib for her.   He diapered her and covered her up and kissed her goodnight.   

And thus Mike coined our 2018 Immersion as the “Got Milk?” Immersion!

EPILOGUE
I am very happy that Mike got to fulfill this desire, and that Kayla enjoyed it so much and connected with the DDlg role play to the point she wants to do more of it.  I got a lot of our Got Milk Immersion as well, but it was much different from what I got out of last year’s “Forbidden Zone.” 

Last year was more about testing boundaries and exploring an M/s dynamic.   While this year included many of those same elements, while fun, they were less revealing since we had already done them.  And we had the mindset we weren’t looking to explore even deeper, darker, Master/slave activities.    The most important revelation from this year’s Immersion is that, as I shared in Post 272,  I one-hundred percent feel like I have arrived!    In that post I shared where it is that I arrived – but it may be interesting to share how I realized I was finally there.   

It may be interesting, then again, it may be stupid.  Such is the risk I take at being vulnerable and sharing my thoughts.   Next post!!

Next:  275. Active Submission vs. Passive Submission

 

273. Immersion 2018

273

You may want to review Immersion 2016 and these three posts on Immersion 2017 (Post 141, Post 145 and Post 151).  This year included some of what we’ve done before and some very extended play (torture) sessions.  And once again for a few days of our Immersion we stayed at the same get-away in the woods as we did last year.   

We named last year’s Immersion “The Forbidden Zone,” and want to have a tradition of naming them as a way to remember them.   Last year we explored some M/s type dynamics and various other kinks that seemed “forbidden” to us previously.  Mike said we would have to just refer to this years event as Immersion 2018 – for now.  He has a surprise that will become the nickname, and telling us what it is might ruin the surprise.  So for now, “Immersion 2018” it is.

Oh, and I was using the term “torture” facetiously.  It wasn’t torture, but it was very physically demanding.  Think full body flog with lots of spanking and whipping – butt, breasts, thighs, palms, feet, you name it.  Then there were extended times of sensory deprivation. Oh yeah, and add in clothes pins, and more clothes pins, and then some more clothes pins, and you will start to get the picture. 

To sum it up in one word – delightful!    Yes, both me and Kayla enjoyed it, as did Mike.  And we had some “guest appearances”  that included John and Donna, Matt, and a mystery couple!

MYSTERY COUPLE?
Mike told me and Kayla he had a surprise in store for us.  I never imagined it would involve another person, let alone a couple.  Through John and via FetLife, Mike had met this couple and felt they were perfect for us to explore some new kink territory.

We never got their names.  We referred to him as “Mister,” and her as “Nurse Ann.”  Not having there names added a bit of mystique and additional naughtiness, not that we needed more to make it feel naughty.  

Upon introduction my first reaction to Mister was, “Wow!”  The first thing I noticed was that he was very muscular – as in, his muscles have muscles.   And once his shirt was off (later), it was no surprise that his abs weren’t a six pack, but an eight pack.    And it wasn’t just the muscles that were striking.  He was handsome and had the perfect “come hither eyes and stare.  And it turned out he was extremely personable and outgoing.   Our guess is that he is in his early 40’s.  Oh, and he is African American.  

Then there was his wife, Nurse Ann.  She is tall, matching Mister at six feet.   She has this Nordic look to her, brunette with milky white skin.  The contrast in skin tone between Mister and Nurse Ann added to their individual beauty.   She isn’t muscular, but is fit, and our guess is that she is in her late 30’s.  She didn’t talk much, and when she did, it was always a short, monotoned response.

We were told up front she would not speak much and that Mister would answer most questions.  My initial thoughts that the two of them would be part of some eight person orgy were quickly laid to rest (me, Mike, Kayla, John, Donna, Matt, Mister, Nurse Ann).  Mister explained the ground rules were that sex would not include Nurse Ann, as she had a specific role to play.  More on her later. 

KAYLA’S DESIRES
I shared before that Kayla has always had this “gang bang” desire where she could have sex with four guys at once.   Yes, we all call it that as that is how Kayla has always referred to it.   While the word is harsh, it is accurate and she wants to own that word (hum…sounds a bit like me and the word
whore, but I digress).

Kayla first shared this desire with us well over a year ago.  Both Mike and I were very cautious about fulfilling her stated desire.  Until now Mike has passed on opportunities to make this happen for Kayla.   Our concerns were that perhaps she had unrealistic expectations about it.    The actual feelings it may evoke could be something very different from the “fantasy” feelings of a loss of control or being treated as a sex object.  

While Mike didn’t consult with me prior to Immersion, we have had talks about Kayla’s growth in general and specifically about her sexual confidence and maturity.   I should dedicate a post to “Tips for Increasing Sexual Confidence.”  As I look back, there are many specific things Kayla did or experienced that helped her with this.  It would be interesting to catalog those things.   Whatever her steps were, Mike felt the time was right to allow Kayla to fulfill this desire.

She was able to fulfill that fantasy with Mike, John, Matt, and Mister.   And if you need a visual, well, as per her fantasy, at one point she had a dick in her pussy and butt, while alternating sucking on two others.  Then, while she was in a missionary position, they each took turns with her until they came.  If orgasms are a good proxy, then she had a fantastic time as evidenced by her three orgasms during it all.

MINI ORGY
By the way, I didn’t have all four men at once.  What do you think I am, a whore?  lol.  No, it just has never been a desire of mine, nor Mike’s – not that I would have been opposed to it if Mike wanted it.  I did have sex with Mister during our mini-orgy.  Is there some official number for when a “mini-orgy” becomes an actual orgy?

During the sex, we (minus Nurse Ann), would sort of rotate around in different pairings or threesomes and such.  At any given time I found myself with a dick or pussy in my mouth, or a dick in one orifice or another, or someone’s tongue in my pussy or mouth.  It was delightfully decadent!

And while Nurse Ann was off limits sex-wise, she did get naked and masturbate as she watched.  Was there some other purpose to her being there?   More on that later.

OTHER IMMERSION ACTIVITIES
Mister and Ann where only there one full day, spent the night, and left early the next morning.   John, Donna, and Matt were there for all or part of about three days.   On the days it was just me, Mike, and Kayla, one day included me playing “pet,” just like last year.  I could only walk on all fours, eat out of a bowl, and use a make-shift litter box.   And there was Kayla’s DDlg/ABDL day, which she loved. 

Kayla doesn’t want to do the DDlg full time but since the end of Immersion she has expressed she wants to do this more than just one day a year.   That’s difficult with J in the house, but Mike will look for opportunities.  Also, this year the DDlg had an additional authentic element to it.  More on that later. 

The rental home is in a heavily wooded area and you can’t really see any other houses except for a few spots on the property and even then, it would take binoculars to see anything.  We all were always naked, inside or outside the house.  This didn’t feel as unique or naughty as it did last year. Since adopted naturism, naked is now our default and natural feeling state.

At the rental, Mike also made a temporary open air out-house that Kayla and I had to use.  In case you are wondering wtf this has to do with anything, the idea behind this is the vulnerability of using the bathroom out in the open and blurring the line between humble and humiliate.

During Immersion we have a “zero tolerance” rule on non-submissive behaviors.  Mike is already strict (we like it that way), but the difference is that during Immersion Mike is looking for the slightest infraction.   And when he finds one, what may warrant a verbal reminder outside Immersion earns us a spanking during Immersion.   The lectures we get are also amped up and denigrating.

Last year we had a rule we could not speak to him unless we were physically touching him – not sexually, but a simple hand on his arm or where ever.  This year he modified this.  We could not speak to him unless we held his hand.  There were some exceptions that Mike would grant, but not many.  There were many spankings for not following this rule as it was very difficult to remember; however, it was a very enjoyable rule.  Such a simple thing, and something we should all do more often.  Touch one another that is, not the spanking part – unless that happens to be your thing too, hee-hee. 

REFLECTION?
I will post separately about my reflections on Immersion 2018.   As I wrote in my prior post, it made me realize that in many significant ways I have arrived at the destination my blogging was driving me towards.    But before I can reflect on Immersion 2018,  I guess I should tell you about the role Nurse Ann had in our event.  Next post!  

Next: 274. Got Milk(ing)? Immersion 2018