244. Part 2 – I got a boyfriend

I split this in two posts as there is a lot to explore on my attraction to Matt.

CAN I DATE MATT?
A great discussion ensued when I asked Mike if I could have a date night with Matt.  A very straightforward and calm discussion.  It was the only detailed discussion we have had on this topic thus far.  Not that we don’t talk about it, but thus far we haven’t had a need to go back to re validate feelings or concerns.  It’s early, so that will probably occur at some point.  But I recognize that it is atypical that we addressed our current feelings in a single discussion.  It illustrates where Mike and I are in our relationship.   

We didn’t leave anything unsaid but frankly didn’t have to say much.  We said what we were thinking and feeling so there is no need to keep rehashing it until/unless those thoughts and feelings change.  Mike knows he is not just my priority, but I am his.  He can say no, say yes, change his mind at any time, and I will accept it.

In reflection, the weirdest thing about my discussion with Mike is that is didn’t feel weird at all.  I wasn’t concerned about Mike feeling jealous and he wasn’t showing any signs of it either.  Just a normal conversation.  Weird indeed.

MIKE ALLOWS IT
Mike said I could have my date night with Matt – make that nights!   I have to text him to keep him informed of what we were doing – text him if we arrive or leave a restaurant, movie, etc.  And of course, let him know when we get to his place and are going to have sex.  I am to call him afterwards and tell him what sexual acts we did.

So is Mike a cuck?  I’ve used that term before but it was jokingly.  It really doesn’t apply to Mike.  Cuckolding is more about deriding the husband and there is no derision going on here.  The accurate term to describe Mike’s kink regarding this is to say he is into candaulism.  The accurate term to describe my kink regarding this is to say I am a into being a slut.  Ha!   I don’t mind owning that term.  

DATES WITH MATT
So Matt and I went out.  I was very clear with Matt regarding what our relationship could and couldn’t be.  I love Mike in insane and immeasurable ways and would never leave him in a million years.  But that doesn’t mean Matt and I can’t enjoy each other’s company whenever we could, including having sex.  Matt seems to understand it and we seem to be on the same page.

I had a second date night with Matt late last week, and Mike has said he would like it to be a weekly thing, with us alternating whose place we go to for sex.  Matt agreed – on our next date night in two days we will come back to my house after going out.

The dates were great.  I really enjoyed myself and Matt’s company.  I enjoyed texting Mike and I know he enjoyed receiving them.  And as he requested, I called him after Matt and I had sex and was explicit in sharing what we did.

MATTS THOUGHTS
Matt added something interesting.  He told Mike he only wants to have sex with me.  He doesn’t want to have sex with Kayla and he doesn’t want to join us at John and Donna’s.  Simply put, he will have sex with me either alone or with Mike watching/participating.  If Kayla is there, Mike can have sex with her but he won’t.  

His reasons were that he enjoys the sex with me the most and as twisted as it sounds, wants to be “exclusively” for me.  How sweet.  I know it took a lot for him to be willing to state this.  I am sure he had concern for how Mike or me might react.  It actually makes me feel better about his readiness to get into a relationship like this.  I would be concerned if he simply just shrugged and said, “okay” to everything.  He has needs to be confident to share his needs.

His statement prompted me to recheck in with Matt regarding my intentions to make sure we are on the same page.  Matt said he has no notions of “taking me away” and he wants to enjoy whatever time we get to have together.  He was uncomfortable having sex with Kayla due to her age as his daughter is actually older than Kayla.  Fair enough.   The most interesting comment was the he said he doesn’t like watching me have sex with John.  When he watched me having sex with John he said I don’t have the same “look” about me that I do when he or Mike has sex with me.

I wasn’t aware that I had that “look” when I had sex with him, but, he is right.  As I wrote previously, there is a growing element of intimacy…more emotion, when Matt and I have sex.  And of course, it is there with Mike.  But John?  It is more just physical.  Still feels good, but more mechanical, less uninhibited and emotional.  Again, how sweet of him to notice.

I can’t resist poking fun at the absurdity of my sex life.  How sweet it is for my boyfriend to notice that I am more emotionally invested when I am having sex with him or my husband when compared to John.  Isn’t that special?  Ha!

WEEKLY DATES
My dates with Matt won’t necessarily be weekly, but weekly-ish.  Between my yoga classes, volunteering on the weekend, and various other appointments, keeping up with my household duties and obligations are the priority over Matt.   There is also the date night Kayla and I each have on alternating weeks with Mike.  The weekend after next the four of us plan a double date (J stays the night at a cousin’s).  That was Mike’s idea! 

Just thinking about the double date gives me a tingle.  What’s the opposite of cuck?  Whatever it is, that’s what I feel when Mike watches me have sex with Matt.  Way more than the feeling of having sex with John in front of Mike.  Mike knows that Matt and I are attracted to each other.  This increases Mike’s pleasure in watching and increases my pleasure in being watched by him.  

And I get a tingle just thinking about a date night with Mike watching.  Holding Matt’s hand while Mike holds Kayla’s.  While it may look like we are separate in that moment, the truth is we are both getting off on watching the other enjoy themselves.   

SUBMISSIVENESS?
I remain submissive to Mike, even when Matt is around.  I am not submissive to Matt.  He is not “my Sir.”  I think that is also part of my attraction to Matt.  I get to have a relationship and temporarily leave behind some of my submissiveness. 

Don’t misinterpret that as me wanting to get away from being submissive to Mike.  I love being submissive to Mike.  It’s just a nice break.  And it comes at a time I am so entrenched in my submission that it hasn’t impacted my submissive mindset at home.  I am able to get right back into it.  I don’t know if a year ago I could have done that.

Of course, just being with Matt is a submissive act as it only happens because Mike allows it and wants it.  Although now I want it too!

Next: Synchronizing Expectations

243. I got a boyfriend!

243

RETRO JENNY
A quick trip back to pre-DD Jenny.  I was a vanilla housewife.  College educated, worked for several years before I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, conventional sex life that did not leave me yearning.  My sexual history was pretty unremarkable.  Okay, so the skinny dipping and shaving party aside, it was pretty unremarkable.  

ALONG CAME A SPIDER
Okay, not a spider.  Then along came Domestic Discipline.  When I first embraced the idea of DD, sexual exploration was not on my radar.  It wasn’t about sex.  So how did we get here?    

DD required Mike and I to tear down everything we use to keep from each other — things as small as our pet peeves and peculiarities, to the big things – our thoughts, our dreams, and yes, our sexual desires.  We basically opened up our “secret selves” to each other and the results were amazing. 

It wasn’t just about sharing sexual desires.  We shared our likes and dislikes about everything, unfiltered, without apology, and without trying to rationalize them.  Sometimes dreams and desires aren’t rational.  That’s part of the reason we are so reluctant to share them.

Through this sharing we truly became one – not in terms of sameness, but in terms of one complete and true understanding of each other.  I see the “one you” in him and he sees the “one you” in me.  Say what? 

I WANT YOU, YOU, YOU!
I’ve read that there are three “you’s:”

  1. The Private you.  (The you you think you are).
  2. The Public you.  (The you as others see you).
  3. The Secret You.  (The you you REALLY are).

How sad that we often don’t let anyone into #3, even the people we love and trust the most.  Maybe a peek, but full access?  Not likely.  Too much potential for judgement, perhaps even rejection.  But keeping #3 secret can be toxic.  Our unstated needs and desires can lead to passive aggressiveness or at least an unfulfilled feeling that may manifest itself in unhealthy ways.  Perhaps an anxiousness, emptiness or unexplained yearning.  We then may take on a number of bad habits to try to cope.

DD forced me to collapse my #3 and it was a bonus that Mike eventually collapsed his.   We had to calibrate our needs, desires, and dreams to each other, forcing a merger of our #1 and #2.   We became fully transparent to each other.  We fully shared our complete “you” which was now “one you.”  And we fully embrace, admire, cherish, respect, and love what the other has shared.  As I have written before, we’ve become one, but not the same.

I believe this “ultimate” level of oneness has resulted in our highly identifying,..perhaps completely identifying..with the experiences of the other.  We feel vicariously through each other, but it is deeper than just imagining.  It is feeling, sensing, and rejoicing in the experiences of the other.  I didn’t know such a thing existed, let alone would be possible. And this oneness is what has taken us places and continues to take us places.

WHERE IT TOOK US
I never expected what was to come regarding John and Donna.  I never expected to add another woman, let alone our former babysitter Kayla, to my relationship with my husband.  I never expected the level of sexual exploration that Mike and I have taken.  And now, I never expected to be attracted to another man.

I don’t state that with an ominous tone, so if your inner voice read it that way, read it again with a tone of wonderment and excitement.  Because just like the other places our DD has taken us, I look upon this new development i wonder and excitement. 

MATT
About four and half months ago Mike “suggested” that I have sex with his friend Matt.  I’ve known Matt casually for about 10 years – he used to work with Mike.  I would see him at company functions and he and his then wife attended a party we threw at our house.

He divorced about two years ago, is 51, kids are grown and on their own.  Since getting “re-acquainted,” I obviously have been able to get to know him better.  At first I didn’t think anything noteworthy about him.  He is quiet, reserved.  Frankly, can be boring.

He has a quick, dry wit and is caring and compassionate.  In a lot of ways he reminds me of how Mike used to be when we first got married.  There is this “aw shucks” innocence, and this shyness that you pierce if you simply talk to him first.

While some of this is just the way he is – he was never known as having a boisterous personality – some of it is the situation.  I mean, he is having sex with his friend’s wife with his friend’s permission.  His awkwardness and seemingly lack of confidence was him simply trying to figure out exactly what Mike, or me, would allow him to do.   He has since loosened up a little.  

SEX WITH MATT
The first time we had sex was in his bedroom while Mike waited in the living room.  The next time I had sex with him was when he joined us for some fun at John and Donna’s.  He had sex with Kayla and I, but not Donna.  John had only met him once before and felt he needed to know him better.   

Matt’s been over to our house once where we had sex and Mike and I have been back to his apartment several more times.  Mike has also stopped by Matt’s as part of a date night with Kayla.  So Kayla and Matt have also had sex when I wasn’t around. 

The two times when all four of us were together and Mike and Matt would swap between Kayla and I and Kayla and I would also “entertain” them with some woman-on-woman play.  So in other words – yeah, plenty of sex. 

My favorite thing to do sexually with Matt is to be on the bed on my back, legs spread and dangling over the side.  He is standing and entering me.  Mike is behind me, often holding my arms above my head, watching and talking to me as Matt goes in and out.

At first, sex with Matt felt much like sex with John.  More mechanical, more focused on my own pleasure and whether or not Mike was enjoying watching.  Not really focused on Matt.  Not emotionally connected to him.

But the way Mike was reacting…Mike was much more intimate, holding my hands or arms while Matt entered me.  Mike talks a lot to me during it, and it is just all more intimate.  I didn’t sense it at first, but Matt is part of that intimate feeling.  Yes, the last couple of times I had sex with Matt I felt very connected to him.

GROWING ATTRACTION
I didn’t fully realize that I was attracted to him until a few weeks ago.  Mike had a short out-of-town business trip – gone for just one night.  He said he asked Matt if he would stay the night with me at our house.  Matt would either leave before J got up or after J left for school.  Matt couldn’t do it as he had a family commitment.  I remember feeling so disappointed and it was in that disappointment that I realized I had feelings for Matt.

I found myself thinking about when we might get together next.  I realized that I wanted to see him and could not wait for Mike to arrange the next rendezvous.   What is more surprising to me than feeling attracted to Matt is that I didn’t hesitate to admit to it, whether to myself or Mike. 

“Mike, I think I like Matt.  Like, really like him.  I am asking for your permission to go out with him.”  

“You mean like your own date night?” was Mike’s response.  

“Exactly.”  

More on my next post!  I’ll try to get it up this afternoon!

NEXT:  244. I got a boyfriend – Part 2

242. On the Nudie Farm

242

I just realized that I rarely share Mike’s take on things.  I am not sure why.  The things I ponder in my blog I mull over with him.  His feedback often influences my perceptions, mood, and acceptance or rejection of the meaning of various things.  And it might be interesting to read about the times his views are different from mine.  It’s settled then.   My posts aren’t long enough (sardonic), so expect more insights into Mike.

Still catching up on the various happenings in my life since taking a mini-break from steady blogging.  Two weekends ago we took a trip with T1 and E to visit her cousin’s farm.  It is just under a four-hour drive.  We got in late on a Friday and spent Friday and Saturday night with them before returning home.  Yes, this is the “Nudies” I wrote about in  233. Meet the Nudies.

I hope my calling them “the nudies” is interpreted in the way I intend.  I say it to honor the fun and unapologetic way they go about being nudists.  I admit I am a bit obsessed with the Nudies at the moment.  I am in awe and it makes me even more eager to meet the rest of E’s family at the nudist resort this summer. So no story of discipline here, just more about the Nudies and a cliffhanger!  

BACKSTORY – THE REASON FOR OUR VISIT
My son wanted to show Mike and I a property that they put a bid on.  It is a farm adjacent to the Nudies. 

As E puts it, “her family loves the land.”  One set of grandparents have a ranch, and most of her aunts, uncles, and cousins from that side of the family live on farms or ranches.  And, another little E-family factoid – her grandfather fell for a lot of get rich quick schemes and lo’ and behold, one of them worked.  He ended up a part owner in an oil exploration company that, sure enough, found oil.  Although he is still alive, he has provided his grandkids like E with a nice financial head start in life.  Not like “never have to work” type money, but enough to have a lot of choices when it comes to where to live, which is the point of this — 

The property adjacent to her cousin’s came up for sale and T1 and E are looking to buy it.  It’s 50 acres of mostly trees and brush.  There is a small house on it that they plan to remodel, some pens, a stable and a chicken coop.  It needs a lot of work.  The previous owners were elderly and hadn’t kept up with maintenance needs for years.  A real fixer-upper!

It makes me laugh to think of T1 tending to animals.  He was born and raised in suburbia. As they both work they don’t plan to have a lot of animals, maybe a couple of horses and some goats and or pigs, and chickens.  T1 is a pretty good DIY’er when it comes to home improvements, and apparently E is pretty good herself.  It will also be nice to have her cousin’s next door, although the “door” is about a third of a mile away. 

Now the interesting stuff
When we pulled up to the Nudies house, Mrs. Nudie and Daughter2 (their youngest daughter, now aged 11 as she just had a birthday!)  were outside, naked of course.  Their house isn’t visible from the road or any adjacent properties.  AHA!  So that’s why E’s family likes to live on large properties!

Very quickly Mr. Nudie, Son (age 17), and Daughter1 (middle child, age 15) came out to greet us.  It was not lost on me that this is unusual and yet another sign of their warmth.  They could have stayed inside, but no, they came out to greet us and give us a warm welcome.  The kids greeted J like he was a long-lost sibling, and of course J was eager to ditch his clothes and made me help him get naked right there in the car.  J has really taken to nudism.

Mike and I waited to get inside before disrobing.  T1 and E soon pulled up and in no time everyone was in their birthday suits.  Once again the kids treated J wonderfully.

BTW, Kayla didn’t join us.  She had a big paper to work on for school.  Yes, that what it was, a paper.  It had nothing to do with two very prominent purplish rings on her butt.  But that’s another story. 

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS
J was sleeping on air mattress in the same room as Mike and I.  T1 and E got the fold out couch.  The youngest daughter wanted J to sleep in her room.  She got very attached to J both during the first time we met them and this visit.  I think it makes her feel good and important as she can “take care of J” if he needs help.  Mike said, “No, he is going to sleep with us, but you can wake him up if you get up before him.”

Our reasoning for having him sleep with us is that simply he was in a strange house and we needed to be able to respond if he needed something at night.  It’s just too much responsibility to put on someone else, let alone a child.   Her response was interesting.

“I know you all are still trying out being naked, but I don’t like boys that way.  We wouldn’t do anything we are not allowed to.”  

She said it in such an innocent way, as if she was trying to reassure us.  I told her, “Yes, we are new, and we really like the way you and your family has made us feel so comfortable.  You are a great example for J but he may need something during the night and that is my job and his dad’s job to take care of him.”  She didn’t argue and just said, “okay.”

Her choice of words intrigued me.  She didn’t say “we wouldn’t do anything bad.”  She said, “not allowed to.”  Later, when the kids were off in another room playing, I asked the Nudies about how do they deal with the topic of sex and at what age?  

BIRDS AND THE BEES WHEN THE BEAK AND THE HONEY ARE IN FULL VIEW?
Their approach to sex ed was fascinating.  I won’t go into all the details.  I will summarize it by saying it was nonchalant, non-judgmental, and very open.  Kind of like their nudism.

The information they provided their children was more detailed, more accurate, and used proper words like penis and vagina instead of baby-talk slang terms.  However, it was also age appropriate.  Once the kid’s curiosity could no longer be satisfied with “babies happen when parents decide they want a child and love each other very much,” they would explain fucking.

Ha!  No they didn’t. I just typed that to see if you were still awake.  Got ya!  No, they didn’t explain fucking.   But at some point in the child’s development they would explain about daddy’s penis touching their mommy’s vagina and if they are lucky, a baby happens, and they were lucky because that is how they happened.  Yeah, in other words, fucking.  lol.

ENOUGH SEX ED, WHAT ABOUT THE VISIT 
The next day the girls wanted to take J exploring around the property — J learned that even a nudist has to wear shoes!  Ha.  I was hesitant as J can lose his balance easily, and the terrain isn’t completely flat, so Mike agreed to join them in their exploring.

I stayed and talked with T1, E, and Mr. & Mrs. Nudie.   Eventually all of us, and Son, went on a tour around their farm. It was so amazing to be walking naked outside.  It reminded me a bit of the time last year when we rented a remote place and were naked outside (151. Immersion 2017 – Forbidden Zone).   It feels so odd, but feels so good.  It really is addicting and writing this give me a craving to do it again. 

As they were showing me around we met up with Mike and the kids.  I already had this wonderful feeling from my own nakedness as well as walking with the others who were naked.  Then, coming across Mike and the kids who were also naked . . . ten of us of varying ages, outside on a lovely day, naked.  There is such an immense beautiful deep sense of innocence, vulnerability, and warmth, in witnessing such a thing.  I can’t fully describe it.

Never once did I have a feeling of inappropriateness or of anything sexual.   While I rationally understood that nudism is not sexual, it was only then that I fully felt it.  It never crossed my mind that any of this was inappropriate or sexual in nature.  My only thoughts were of the beauty of it and of being part of it.

The distinction being that prior to that moment, I was very aware of the awkwardness and novelty of everyone being naked, and very aware of my mind saying, “see, this doesn’t feel sexual.”   But in that moment, I lost the awkwardness, I lost the novelty of it, and the mind only thought of the beauty.  I think in that very moment I crossed over to becoming a nudist!  

THEIR NEW HOMESTEAD
The next day we visited the property that E & T2 bid on.  The realtor met us there and E told us in advance that we don’t have to get dressed for him.  The realtor is a friend of her cousin’s and while not a full-fledged nudist, he has been to their house many times and not only witnessed their nudism, but partook in it.  As they told us before, they have introduced a lot of people into at least experimenting with the lifestyle.

It was really odd getting in the car naked and driving to the neighboring property.  A tip we learned was to take our clothes with us, just in case there is car trouble or something unexpected.  (nothing unexpected occurred, but, at least we were prepared if it did). 

The realtor stayed clothed as he showed us around.  It was another odd moment, walking around naked with this clothed stranger.  Perhaps I was premature in calling myself a nudist as clearly I am still very aware of my nudity in such a situation.  And I was watching E and the Nudies closely.  It was clear they had no reservations or uneasiness about their nudity.  Yep, I still have some learning and adjusting before I am fully comfortable as a nudist.  

MIKE’S TAKE
I took to nudism like a fish to water.  I was already looking to go to a nudist resort when we discovered E was a third generation nudist.  Mike has jumped aboard for the ride but it was at my urging.  Mike tends to be less of an initiator when it comes to being adventuresome, but he is quick to climb aboard with my wild ideas.  You don’t have to look further than our DD as an example of that.  (8. Now I am ready to get hubby aboard).

When the opportunity to get naked arose, Mike had more reservations regarding J than I did.  While ultimately I defer to Mike’s authority, we have meaningful and respectful discussions on many topics, even those we differ on.  And it wasn’t that we differed regarding the nudity, it was just that he was uncertain. 

In situations that concern the kids, Mike tends to give more weight to my feedback than to his own.  Not that he doesn’t have great parenting skills, but he values my motherly instincts.  That doesn’t mean I always get my way regarding issues with the kids, but, I mostly do.

And he admits to feeling awkward, just like I do, but that like me, it is quickly fading.  At first he felt awkward just in his own skin.  No more.  Then he felt awkward around E — his soon-to-be daughter-in-law. . . it just seemed weird.  But E’s comfort with it has rubbed off.

He said he still feels a bit awkward around the Nudies kids, especially the girls.  He is afraid of saying or doing something that could be misinterpreted.  He told me that while they were walking around the property he was thinking, what if one of them fell or he had to carry them, or god forbid, what if he got an erection and he isn’t somewhere he can excuse himself?   Not that he felt anything sexual, but, the comfortness of the walk, a nice breeze.  I mean, it wasn’t likely to happen, but, what if, and it weighed on his mind.

Enough about being nudism and the Nudies. 

SAY WHAT???
How about something salacious for my next post?   I mentioned two posts back that there were two things I was reluctant to share.  One rhymed with ski, and I wrote about it in my previous post.  The other rhymed with bartend, and I will write about it in my next post.

What rhymes with bartend?  Could it be “boyfriend?”   Perhaps Kayla got a boyfriend?

Well, that would be half right.   Could it be she got a girlfriend?  Or wait, what if someone else got a boyfriend?  Who could that someone else be?   I wonder?  !!! ???  !!!

Next: 243. I got a boyfriend!

241. Blogoversary, Anno Blogini 2

cake

Blogoversary or Blogiversary?  Is there an international arbiter of such things?  The WPCC  (Word Press Central Committee)?  Or perhaps the IBBV (International Bureau of Blogging Vernacular)?   I used “Blogiversary” last year, but I like “blogo” better as it sounds funnier to me.  So, blogoversary it is! 

On my first blogoversary I wrote about my favorite topic – Vulnerability!  I have so many posts dedicated to that topic.  Some of my favorites can be found under Finding my Happiness in my Shortcuts.   I think it’s an appropriate topic again.

LOVE BEING VULNERABLE, EXCEPT. . . 
The anonymity of blogging allows me to share personal and intimate parts of me without the IRL implications.  Unfiltered writing also provides me greater insights into my own feelings, motivations, and desires.  Insights you can’t get by thinking as such thinking is never as thorough, as focused, or as organized as writing. 

I don’t give it a second thought to share that I submit to my husband and allow him to discipline me.  There is no hesitation to share the sexual experiences I have with Mike, other men, or the experiences we both have with other women.  I don’t hesitate to share details on various punishments or rituals that we have.  Yep, I pretty much tell all without pause, even though I know that any one of those things are likely abhorrent to some of you (let alone those who abhor every one of those things).

DON’T (YELLOW) RAIN ON MY BLOGOVERSARY PARADE
I am undeterred, unapologetic, and share without hesitation.  That is, except for punishments related to drinking pee.   Yeah, sorry.  That festive feeling of a “blogoversary” post has just left the building! 

Pee is not a “go to” punishment from Mike’s, but, it happens more than I let on.  When I write about a punishment that includes it, I either give it slight mention (so as to diminish it), or even omit it entirely.  Mike is aware of this and as part of my “honesty” rule he has told me that I am not to omit “integral” parts of any punishment I chose to write about.  I don’t have to write about it, but if I chose to right about a punishment where it is included, I am not to omit it.  I’ve even been punished for omitting it.  You can imagine how (see, I sort of mention it, but I don’t give details).

I can share details of how many spanks or other whacks I got, my feelings about each one, whether or not there was lasting soreness, my remorse, etc.  But, not when it comes to drinking piss.

HARD LIMIT?
I’ve often thought of having pee as a hard limit.  I’ve hesitated because part of me likes giving Mike the ability to do something I find so distasteful.  It’s a bigger deterrent than spanking.  If he ever chooses to give me a warning about something, all he has to say is something like, “Do you need a drink to help adjust your attitude?”  While always quick with my responses, I am extra quick with an emphatic, “No, Sir.”

Instead of making it a hard limit, I told Mike I simply want to add a hard limit in that I do not want to have to write about this element of my discipline in my blog.  That is, no punishing me if I omit it as part of any discipline I share here.  

CAN I DO THAT? 
We consulted the Domestic Discipline Assembly on Hard Limits (known as AssHal, of course).  Assembly Chair, Neil Inlick, agreed that I could, but also ruled I had to explore why I felt this was necessary.   By the way, he also ruled that because Hard Limits are so important and must remain under the full control of the sub, I was allowed the exception of “telling” Mike what I wanted regarding hard limits, versus “asking” or “requesting” it.  He did however, let me off with a warning that in the future, I should start such conversations with, “Sir, I would like to discuss a hard limit that I am considering.”  This way there can be a respectful conversation before I “tell” Mike of my decision.   Warning noted!    

WHAT’S MY PROBLEM?
I believe my desire to avoid sharing this is that I attach deeply negative things to the act.  It goes beyond feelings of vulnerability, humbleness, or shame.  For me it comes too close to feelings of humiliation and degradation.  (Feelings explored in 178. Embracing Shame).

Pee as a discipline began with our last immersion when Kayla brought it up.  She subsequently agreed to make it a part of Mike’s options for disciplining her.  I was open to trying it, and ultimately agreed as well.  I wanted to test and push myself and I still do.  I just don’t want to write about it.

Writing about it gives me a feeling of being negatively judged.  I know the judgment is 100% my own.  Let’s be honest, I am not concerned about judgement from you.  Spank my butt, bind my breasts, clamp my nipples and clit, stick a butt plug in me, give me an enema, scold me, send me to my room to stand in the corner, whip my boobs, slap my palms, watch me go to the bathroom and the list goes on.  I’ve shared all those details without reservation.  But pee?  It’s just different for me.  Ultimately, it is my own judgement that I am concerned with, and frankly, I haven’t reconciled what this punishment really means to me. 

I have the right to make this a hard limit such that I don’t have to ever write of it again.  Problem solved.  But, a funny thing happened.  As I was writing my last post,  I had this urge build inside me.  Even though I now have this clear “out” and don’t have to write about it, I suddenly have this desire to push and test myself even more.  So, I am going to write about it in detail right now and see how it feels.

YOUR IN URINE
The pee related punishments I receive typically consist of a one-time drink that is straight from the source – Mike pees directly in my mouth.  There have been some extended pee punishment such that I must drink throughout an entire day.  I can be called over at any time to partake, sometimes directly, sometimes from a glass he fills.  If he sees me drinking something else, he might stop me and top off my cup with pee.  Yeah, the day long pee punishments are the worst.     

I have the right to use safe words to slow down how quickly I must drink and can even call “red” to stop it entirely.  It may be surprising to learn but most of the time pee is almost tasteless. . . just a little “off.”  Rarely it is putrid and undrinkable. (226. Kink Research).  When it’s been bad, Mike will allow me to dilute it with water or some other drink, which helps.  Only once have I had to call red when it was just too much. 

Whew!  You know, sharing that wasn’t so bad.    It feels very uncomfortable, yet also feels good, to “own it.”  Maybe I will keep sharing when this happens.  As it isn’t a common thing, I guess you’ll never know if I do or don’t share.   Okay, enough pee pee talk. 

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF BLOG 
Switching gears back to the blogoversary  – April 23, 2016 was my first post.   Thank you to everyone who reads, likes, and comments.  

I am just over 400,000 views and this year have been getting at least 40,000 views each month off of around 7,000 visits each month.  That is 3x the views and 2x the visits of what I was getting a year ago.  I like it that I get 5 to 6 views per visitor each month as I suppose it means you all are intrigued enough to read/re-read multiple posts.

I had no idea if there was an audience for what I wanted to write.  When I made my first dozen or so posts I hadn’t research or read many blogs and most were pretty tame and far from lascivious.  I didn’t care, I started this blog for myself.   I had a deep desire to write out my story for no one other than myself.  As self centered as this may sound, I was amazed with myself – my decisions, my desires, and of course, with my DD.  It was so opposite of me.  I was vanilla, and in an instant was transported to, well, to any of these wonderful flavors.  Clearly not vanilla!   

It was akin to leaping from black and white Kansas to polychromatic Oz, and instead of the scare crow, tin man, and the lion, Mike and I have had adventures with Kayla, John&Donna, and now Matt.  
 
I dove into my blog much like I dove into Domestic Discipline.  I learned that there is a wide kink community online and on WordPress.  Writing continues to be very fulfilling, and like I wrote last year,  I strive to be even more vulnerable in my future posts, even if that means writing about, um, er, well, you know.  Do I really have to say it?  Um..er.. well, okay.  Pee.  There, I said it. 

THANKS TO. . . 
My top commenters are NaughtyNora, Lurvspanking, and CollaredMichael.  I’ve had the most traffic off clicks from a link to my blog that is on My Bottom Smarts (Thank you Smarts!)  If you want to find links to a bunch of spanko blogs in one place, visit My Bottom Smarts.  Honorable mention goes to Our Naturist Blog whose link to a recent post of mine has driven 250 visitors this month.  Yea for the nudies

AND THANK YOU!
It thrills me that my experiences and thoughts have resonated with a few people, let alone the numbers represented by the stats.  I know most of you are lurkers and some of you probably read because I am a freak show curiosity.  For the rest of you I think I am either an interesting resource for your own DD or D/s journey or just an escape of some sort.  Whatever the reason – thank you!  For those who lurk but never comment, I’d love to hear why you come here.  If you are afraid to comment, email me.  My email is in my About section. 

Two years of sharing and I still get the same fulfillment in blogging that I got when I started.   Thank you for being part of that.

Next: 242. On the Nudie Farm

240. I recovered my True Blogging Self

GET ON WITH IT
I plan to get back to more regular posting soon.  I do have a lot I want to share.

If you’ve been following me for awhile, you know that self-reflecting is a “thing” with me.  This time I’ve been reflecting while pretty much abstaining from social media and my blog (with a few exceptions).  I haven’t even watched much tv or the news.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading, yoga, and meditating.  Cutting out all this “noise” allowed for some intense reflection.  

MY FALSE NARRATIVE
During the hiatus I had a few things occur that I wanted to share with you.  About half way through writing I thought, “Nah, that doesn’t fit with my blog.”  So I wrote about something else.  “Nope, don’t want to go there as that isn’t who I am on my blog.”   So I wrote something else.  Same thing.  “I shouldn’t share that.”  Then, “I can’t share this.”  And so on.  I would also tell myself, “It’s been about two months since you shared about being disciplined.  It is a DD blog after all, write about  being disciplined.  My blog is
“supposed” to be about DD!”  Then it hit me.  Why am I editing myself?

I realize I created this narrative in my head about what my blog was

BULLSHIT!
This narrative was getting stronger in my head.  It made me start to think that too many of my posts were straying from this narrative, thus I shouldn’t post them.  I don’t know what caused me to fall into this thinking.  I have finally woke up and am calling bullshit on myself!

The true narrative is much more simple.  It is a blog about me and what I choose to write about.   Period.    

Mostly I choose to write about experiences that surprise me, enlighten me, and help me be the wife, mother, and person that I want to be.  And what I want to be is someone who fulfills their husband while also filling themselves, and doing so with abandon!   I love that some people follow me and even engage in comments (and some emails!).  But ultimately, I started writing simply for me, and need to continue to write simply for me. 

SHY JENNY?
I will get my many half-written posts finished.  Two are on topics I find hard to share.  What’s odd is these two particular things make me feel negatively judged.  That’s dumb when you consider I obviously don’t care about any judgement from readers.  Spank my butt, bind my breasts, clamp my nipples and clit, stick a butt plug in me, give me an enema, scold me, send me to my room to stand in the corner, whip my boobs, slap my palms, watch me go to the bathroom, have threesomes, foursomes, and the list goes on.  I share all those details without reservation.  But these two things??

Maybe because I am still trying to figure out what they really mean about me and what I think they represent.  That’s it!  I am pretty sure anyway.  I am not yet convinced they represent what I want.  Maybe they do…at least enough that I continue to pursue them, but, maybe they don’t?   What are these things?  You’ll have to wait for those posts!  Here’s a hint…one rhymes with ski, the other with bartend.

Domestic discipline, D/s, poly, and the swinging are definitely the salacious parts of my blog.  But frankly those things represent part of how I choose to fulfill the mantra my mom instilled in me of love life, every moment every day.   And sometimes I like to add, “and LIVE life, every moment, every day.

VIVA LA REVOLUTION
And as I think about the true narrative of my blog, I arrive at this.  It represents elaborating on what that mantra means to me.  It means that
life should be free to live in a way we desire it, not based on what others may desire for us.  (I think that is why I am currently so fascinated and excited with nudism).  We are all unique, with our own desires.  We should not be shackled in the prison that society can often be.

It’s amazing when you consider that anything short of a rule of law is a cage we self impose on ourselves and agree to be confined to.  Maybe because it is family tradition, or we are concerned what the neighbors would think?   Frankly, I would much rather be submissive to my husband, than submissive to a false set of every changing moods and preferences of our institutions and the population at large.

It can be uncomfortable at times, as we all like to feel accepted.  But for me, I’d rather explore life as I want to explore it, embraced by a few meaningful relationships, than live life as others expect it, and be accepted by the faceless masses.

PERHAPS NOT THE REVOLUTIONARY
I laughed a little at what I just wrote.  I believe in what I wrote, but it sounds like I am a raving non-conformist.  Clearly much of my personal life does not conform, but it is in a very conforming wrapper; suburbia, mini-van, PTA, etc.  And frankly, both Mike and I like it that way. 

We were raised to be more conforming and we bought into living and being a certain way that is conforming.  We still find some comfort in holding on to certain societal shackles (i.e. “traditions and expectations) – but we sure have broken..or more accurately, obliterated.., many other such shackles.

Or have we?  Just look around.  I am beginning to suspect the non-conformist is a silent majority, wrapped in various camouflaging shackles that make them hard to spot.  But as they grow in confidence to loosen their shackles, even shed them entirely, their non-conformity begins to turn to a “new normal.” 

It’s slowly becoming more about how you choose to non-conform versus whether or not you are a non-conformist?  And as for kink and conforming to sexual “norms.” Well, hey, it’s been six years since this Newsweek!   I just may be a conformist after all!

Next: 241. Blogoverary, Anno Blogini 2

239. Filters: As you sow, so shall you reap

239

Yeah, that image evokes something BDSM-related, but sorry, no kinky story this time.  Just a tale of reflection, Jenny style. 

SLOWER PACE
I’ve slowed in my posting.  Part of a self imposed decrease in my attention to emails, social media, and blog.  I plan on resuming my “normal” obsession level soon – lol – but I am enjoying the break.  I started some new things.  I joined a yoga class and I am reading more and I started meditating — something I’ve never done before.   It’s been awesome.

While I won’t stop doing those things, I also won’t let those things keep me off my laptop!  I’ll be increasing my computer time soon, just at a more balanced level. 

SISTER TALK
I was talking to one my sisters who frequently reads my blog.  (
116. Revealing DD to my sisters121. 20 Questions from Sis136. Submitted Wife).   There are times I wish I hadn’t told her about my blog – there are just some things a sister doesn’t need to know.  But overall I am glad I did.  I can benefit from her sisterly advice and comments.  It’s great to have a sounding board from a “vanilla” who also has my best interests at heart.  And, she provided me with the fodder for this post!

She asked me if I ever reflect on how I ended up with the following:

  • Mike:  A husband willing to entertain and adopt my suggestion regarding Domestic Discipline.
  • John and Donna:  Friends (and neighbors) who share similar kinks and open to swinging and sharing with us.
  • Kayla:  A former babysitter turned friend and lover AND fellow submissive.
  • Lunch Bunch:  My group of “gal pals” who, instead of shunning me, accepted me when I shared the news of my sexcapdes and submission with them.  Even to the extent one of them has “consulted” with me on spicing up their sex life (and more to come on that in another post).
  • Matt:  A friend and former co-worker of Mike’s with whom I have sex with, as does Kayla, and who joins us at times with John and Donna. 
  • E:  My soon to be daughter-in-law is a third generation nudist (naturist).  We discover this just as I am suggesting to Mike that we try out a nudist resort or beach.

I told sis that I hadn’t specifically reflected on this, but my answer didn’t require deep reflection.  I immediately felt I knew the answer.  The following is what I shared with her. 

KARMA?
Yes, since adopting Domestic Discipline, it seems my life is filled with more “unique” experiences than I could have ever imagined.  It could be a karma type thing, or a “as you sow, so shall you reap” type of thing.  I’ve always believed in my own version of karma – I believe that if we want happiness, peace, friendship, and love…then we must first be those things — happy, peaceful, friendly, and loving.  Whatever we want to be around us, we must first be ourselves.  And I believe it is even more than that. 

  • What we CHOOSE for ourselves we also RETAIN — i.e., the things our filter let’s in will stick with us.  
  • What we REJECT for ourselves we DISCARD – i.e., the things our filter removes won’t stick with us.  

The single most influential factor in our lives is the people who surround each day.  And we are surrounded and influenced by the people we have chosen to be in our lives.

Surround yourself with happy, peaceful, friendly, loving people, and it is much easier to be those things yourself.  They feed on each other.  Surround yourself with negative people..anxious, self absorbed, untrustworthy, mean spirited, cold, fearful, etc… and it is easy to become those things yourself.  They also feed on each other.

FILTER and CHOOSE WISELY
There are tons of emotional dust and negativity and other bits of self-defeating debris floating around in our daily lives.  I believe you can avoid ingesting this debris if you adopt the right “filters” in your life.

If someone is an emotional drainer… someone who makes me uneasy…. I can’t trust them, I am unsettled being around them…. well, I simply choose to not be around them – even if they are family!

My filter once had a glaring weakness.  My need to provide guidance (I was a guidance counselor after all) slowly morphed to a need to “fix” people.  I didn’t realize it at the time as I thought I was just being helpful, but I allowed myself to become too invested in their outcome — at times I was more invested in someone’s outcome than they were.  What a waste of time and energy.  I still like to help people, but I am much more in tune with whether or not they want to help themselves first.

This “filtering” I do means that at this point in my life I am left with a group of people that fulfill me and reflect the things I value the most.

VALUE VERSUS VALUES
Value means valuing the differences, not just valuing the things we agree with.  My friends and family are diverse in their religious beliefs or lack thereof, as well as political beliefs.  These can be incendiary topics to disagree on —  but — we agree on some core values regarding personal happiness, truthfulness, empathy, respect, and acceptance.  Our differences may be in how we “execute” those values, but those differences make for great conversations.

Simply put, we don’t “damn” each other for our differences.  Question, but don’t judge.  We accept each others “truths” as being fine for the other person, even if we reject them for ourselves.  The result is I haven’t necessarily filtered out those that are different than I am.  Instead, I have filtered out those that are intolerant of such differences.

Here are some specific things that I attribute to the openness and acceptance of the relationships my sister questioned. 

MIKE
I can write a novel on this.  Simply put, he is my soul mate, we compliment and complete each other.  We are one, but not the same.  We are willing to try, explore, and support anything the other asks. 

JOHN AND DONNA
They are just as surprised with Mike and I as we are with them.   They had been doing their version of D/s well before us.  We were friends and neighbors for many years prior to my DD and of course, prior to swinging and playing with them.   

KAYLA
She credits her fondness of Mike and I as coming from how warm, loving, and accepting our household has always been of her.  I mentioned before she had a crush on Mike when she was younger, but Kayla didn’t fully reveal to us until later just how deep that crush was, and that it also included me.

While a part of her looked at Mike as a father figure, she mostly fantasized about him as a mate.  When I shared my DD with her, she immediately saw it as an opportunity to explore — explore her fantasies about Mike, her feelings for other women, explore poly in a more comfortable way (she was already in a poly relationship), and of course, explore being submissive.  And the clincher for her was that she could do all of that in a safe, warm, and nurturing environment.

LUNCH BUNCH
I have been surprised by my lunch bunch friends level of acceptance (222. It’s only kinky the first time).  I thought some would be so uncomfortable that they would not want me to speak of it again — but they all have been eager to bring it up it conversations and further the conversation.   I know they all don’t accept it as being something for them, but they all accept it as being something for me.   I would love to call that simply, “choosing good friends,” but frankly, I think some of it was just luck. 

MATT
Mike chose him to be in our life, not me.  I am still getting to know him, but I think Mike’s choice in inviting him into our “Circle of Trust” is based on similar things that I look for in people.  There hasn’t been anything about him that has concerned me and I enjoy his company.  The sex is great too – ha!

E
T1 chose E, so I can’t take the credit; however, it does make me think about how much T1’s upbringing may have influenced his attraction to someone like E.  In many ways E embodies the values I always wanted to instill in my kids, even though I wasn’t always consistent or good at doing so.  And this has nothing to do with the nudist stuff – although that sort of encapsulates it all.  She has no false pretenses, is sure of herself but not full of herself, and is empathetic and caring.  A perfect match for T1.  I can’t be more happy for him to have found someone like her.

While I’d like to credit T1’s upbringing for equipping him with a “filter” to attract and retain someone like E in his life, the truth is, I think it is mostly luck.  In my experience, children are as likely to reject their parent’s “filters” as they are to accept them.  Perhaps what helped with T1 is that we set filters based on broader issues of feeling good about yourself versus specific issues of say looks, finances, race, religion, politics, etc. 

EPILOGUE
My “filter” is not perfect.  I’ve let in plenty of the “wrong people” in my life or kept them around longer than I should.  And I don’t mean wrong as there is something bad about them in general, just something bad about them regarding my own happiness.  And I guess that is the best way to sum up my “filter.”  If you can’t provide me a certain amount of happiness and fulfillment, I filter you out; otherwise, I breathe you in!

Next: 240. Recovering my True Blogging Self

238. Mystery Blogger Award

mba

It’s been more than a week since my last post.  Sort of self-imposed social media exile – not on purpose – but I simply was giving my blog and other social media a low priority lately.   The upside is I have several things from which to choose that I can share.  But before I do, I am overdue for accepting and passing forward a Mystery Blogger nomination from Naughty Nora.   

Thank you, Nora, and thank you for following me since just about the beginning, and providing your frequent comments to my posts.  You’re #1 in commenting on my posts with 115!

This award was Created by Okoto Enigma to highlight blogs that may be less well-known.

RULES

  • Put the award logo/image on your blog.   Easy! Done!
  • List the rules.   Well, you’re reading them!
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.  Done and done!
  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.   Nailed it!
  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.   Keep reading.
  • Answer the questions you were asked.   Will do!
  • You have to nominate 10 people. Wa? Huh? Er?  I don’t think I’ll do 10.  So, does that mean the MBA committee will revoke my nomination?  It’s a chance I’ll have to take.
  • Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.  Okay.
  • Ask your nominees any five questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question.  As if I have to be prompted to be weird!

THREE THINGS ABOUT ME
For someone with a ridiculously long About Me section, I can only give 3 things?  Okay,  how about something different?  Here’s three “philosophies” that reveal big parts of me:

  1. The older I get, the more I understand that it is not only okay to live a life others don’t understand, but finding the confidence to do so is extremely self affirming, rewarding, and fulfilling. (Confidence in revealing yourself, allowing yourself to be vulnerable = amazing feelings).
  2. An unimaginable array of pleasure and oneness awaits us when we let go of inhibitions, tune into our bodies, trust our partners (be vulnerable to them!), and broaden our ideas about love, compassion, and sex. (Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable to your partner).
  3. There is an amazing power in being present and mindful.  Sort of zen-thing, and it is about letting go of intentions and no longer mortgaging the present for the elusive promise of the future.  (stuff I shared back in Post 30. I Found my Thrill).

And while perhaps this violates the “rules” as it technically would be a fourth thing, these philosophies were only revealed to me and embraced by me with the advent of my DD three years ago.  These philosophies were foreign to the pre-DD Jenny.

Funny, but Mike, Kayla, and I happen to watch “Yes Man” yesterday as it was on HBO.   Mike and I both saw it years ago (pre-DD).  Watching it now, I really related to the premise of the movie, as my life since adopting DD has been a lot like simply saying “yes” and embracing what life has to offer.

QUESTIONS I WAS ASKED BY NAUGHTY NORA

  1. What would you say is your most endearing quality?
    Ability to empathize.  I think this ability is also something I seek out in those that I surround myself with.  I believe this is why I have a lot of friends that, on the surface don’t share a lot in common with me (political views,
    religious views, social views, kinks, various likes and dislikes) yet we find friendship via the mutual respect and fun we have when we get together.   Oh, also, I have to mention my endearing quality to be succinct and always follow the rules.  Not!!
  2. What is something about yourself you’d like to change/improve?
    I would like to be more present (See #3 in the About me section above).   I have made huge strides in this.  Unimaginable strides when I look back at it.  But it continues to be a work in progress.  I have come to realize it is the bedrock of what my DD is about. 
  3. If your house was burning down and you only had time to grab one material possession (let’s assume your entire family & pets are already safely out), what would you save?
    Large box of my family photos that include all my childhood family photos
  4. What is something that makes you feel nostalgic?
    Looking through my large box of family photos that include from my childhood.
  5. Favorite dessert?
    Whipped cream, if I get to lick it off off… ahem.  Uh, keep it clean Jen.  Pumpkin pie, yes, definitely, pumpkin pie.  And no, pumpkin is not a nickname for Kayla. Oh well, so much for keeping it clean.  

MY NOMINATIONS
So Nora and I follow and comment on a lot of the same blogs, so I won’t replicate any of her nominations.  So if she nominated you, please understand I am not over looking your continued support of my blog.

melwoodblog: a true mystery as he has yet to share via his blog — but from a few emails we have exchanged, it is clear he has lots of interesting and entertaining insights.

jadescastle I’ve been reading her blog ever since I started mine.  Very open and revealing insights into her journey. 

kdaddy23’s: I haven’t come across blogs from a bisexual male other than his.  Different perspective, different issues and challenges, all addressed in a very open and honest manner.  

The Indecisive WriterGreat accounts of various kinky fuckery!

QUESTIONS FOR MY NOMINEES

  1. When you last sang to yourself (or hummed, if you aren’t the singing type), what song was it?  Give details, the name of the song, the artist who recorded it (if you know), and what feeling it evoked in you.
  2. Name three things you and your partner have in common.  If not currently in a relationship, then what about with your last partner? 

  3. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

  4. What is your most treasured memory?
  5. What would be the coolest animal to scale up to the size of a horse?

That’s it! 

Next: 239. Filters: As you sow, so shall you reap