350. EQUITY AND FAIRNESS

I have several half-written posts.  Can’t seem to focus and am being overly self-critical over what I choose to write.  It’s as if I am expecting only great prose consistent with my history of keeping it short, writing clearly without repetition, culling my adjectives with literary precision, mixing my rhythms, ditching modifiers, letting the verbs do their magic, and throwing in some unexpected words to shock you into greater understanding.   AS IF!!  

That’s never described my writing style, so why start now?

One topic that’s been rattling around in my mind quite a bit lately is feminism.  And with recent events in the US, I’ve realized my views about it are deeper than I once thought.  I’ve posted about this before and will try not to repeat myself.  If you want to understand how a submissive woman who apparently has surrendered to the patriarchy rationalizes the feeling that she is a feminist, read that prior post.     This post takes a different angle to what feminism means to me.

MORE THAN FEMINIST… A HUMANIST
I consider myself a feminist with a little “f”, not Feminist in regards to what the word represents to most people. To me, feminism is a part of humanism, and I consider myself a Humanist (capital “H” for sure).

Humanism encompasses gender, race, and all other criteria society uses to identify and separate people.  It accepts that such identifiers can be helpful for statisticians or community psychologists to understand and quantify certain things, but it does not accept those labels as assigning values as to the level of goodness or purpose a person has.    

WE ARE ONE, BUT NOT THE SAME
Feminism, as a movement, has the noble goal of equality; however, for too many people the term “equality” gets interpreted as “sameness.” And to me, it is not about equality. It’s about equity and fairness, not equality and sameness. There’s a major difference between those as I covered in this post.

I don’t know any woman that wants to be the same as men, but plenty that what equity and fairness.

We should never strive for sameness. Not because one gender is different from another, or a particular race is different from another, or people with certain sexual preferences or sexual identify are different from those with other preferences or identify a certain way, or that people with or without certain religious beliefs are different, or people from certain parts of the world or regions within a country are different. We shouldn’t strive for sameness because WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS. We are different. I am not the same as everyone who shares my gender, race, sexual preferences, sexual identify, beliefs, or geographic location.

There is a sameness that unites us all. Where we are the same is that we are humans. Humanism is about not defining ourselves and not defining others by categories of gender, race, religion, geography, sexual preferences, you name it. It is about defining ourselves by how we treat others and define them by how they treat us and others. It’s about how we interact with others and how we make others feel and how they make us feel. It’s by the equity and fairness, both in how we treat others and how we expect others to treat us and everyone else. If we must categorize people, categorize them by “healthy or toxic,” nothing more.

I think that has been the secret sauce to my happiness. I have filtered out any toxic people and any toxic thoughts. I surrounded myself with people who are healthy for me and I focus on the things that fulfill me and give me purpose. I have found equity and fairness in my marriage and in my dealings with friends and family.

Advocating for the right of women to achieve equity and fairness is a no brainer. It’s simply being humane. That’s what feminism means to me . And if that equity and fairness comes from leading, working, or doing anything considered “man’s domain,” or comes from submitting, serving, or doing anything considered “traditional” woman’s roles, or anything in-between, that’s fine by me. It’s not for us to define what others should find equitable and fair for their lives — but it is up to society to ensure everyone has access to what is equitable and fair for them.

CURRENT EVENTS
I was going to end the post here, but recent events prompted me to dig a little deeper into my thoughts about this.   As I previously stated, it is more than something I believe about women.  I believe it is a right everyone deserves.  Regardless which label a person fits into regarding their gender, race, religion, region, or sexual desires, the only constraints anyone should have in their pursuit of equity and fairness is that the things they do should not infringe on the equity and fairness of others.   And that is where my ideal hits a wall.

Too many people feel an “affront to their sensibilities” is the same as as loss of equity or fairness. They equate their disdain for someone based on their gender, race, faith (or lack thereof), sexual preferences, or place they are from the same way others might look at someone who endangers their physical well being. Such people may even go so far as to accept an immoral and corrupt leader just so long as that leader allows them to act on their disdain for those they label “others.” They may even go so far as tolerate the murder of man as collateral damage towards protecting their sensibilities, protecting their status quo. 

They feel harmed by someone kneeling in reverence as a solemn reminder of injustice, but not kneeling to subdue, oppress, and kill, because at least the latter is consistent with their sensibilities. 

They feel harmed when someone in need is given help, unless they are the one in need. They feel harmed when others demand fair wages for their work.  They feel harmed when someone makes a choice about their life that is inconsistent with choices they would make for themselves. They feel harmed with other demand equity and fairness.

They have a mindset that THEY are the victim.  The victim of having to live with anyone or anything that is different from them.  

And the irony is, these “victims” are quick to become the victimizer, as forcing their mindset on others is the only thing that gives them purpose.   And the more they victimize the more their victims cry for justice.  And the louder those demands for justice, the more harmed the victimizer feels.   These are the people who should receive the full force of societies disdain.  Not a gender, not a race or religious belief, not a geography or sexual orientation – but a mindset that hurts everyone, physically and economically and the mindset that denies equity and fairness to others.

ASSHOLES
Yes, we will find that people who have that mindset tend to skew towards a certain gender, race, religion, etc., but to define them by those terms is to do to them what they are doing to everyone else. I may poke fun at white, male, reichwinger, closeted-gay Southerners clutching their guns like a two year old’s favorite teddy bear, but like all stereotypes, the semblance to the truth is tenuous. Let’s call those with this mindset by how they treat others and not by their gender, race, or other identifiers. They are cancers, they are inhumane, they are immoral, they are evil, they are unAmerican, and they are assholes. And we need to stop putting them in positions of power because empowering them allows their mindset to spread.

And once these assholes have usurped democratic institutions such as free and fair elections, we are no longer represented by the views of society at large, but by a group of assholes who represent a cancerous minority view.   And in all human history, minority rule can continue only by fraud and force, and such rule has NEVER ended well.    If the voice of the ballot box is voided by the assholes, what voice does the majority have left?   

The scarier proposition is that what’s going on today is nothing like what we are facing come November.    Whether the assholes win or lose, it will be bad.  And win or lose, we can only hope police, Justice Department, military, and the courts will side with the Constitution – but don’t be so sure that they will.  Those institutions have been stacked with assholes. Sadly, even our camo-wearing military leadership.

IT’S NOT ENOUGH
It’s no longer enough to not be a racist, we must be anti-racist.     It’s no longer enough to not be a fascist, we must be anti-facist.  It’s not enough to not be an asshole.  We must be anti-assholes.  

It’s not enough to just blog about this.  I am doing what I can within my power and ability to support organizations that facilitate and demand change.  And more than that, to challenge and call out those that do not.   This isn’t a political blog, so I don’t intend on sharing specifics or which organizations I think fall into each category.   

This post was intended to pound home my ideas about feminism, which are linked to ideas about equity and fairness, which are linked to current events. Through equity and fairness we can bring about a better neighborhood, a better community, a better country, and a better world.

That’s what feminism means to me.  That’s what humanism means to me.

NEXT: 351: Our FREE (three) time thanks to COVID

349. Immersion wrap up

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Time for some kink.

I am not feeling particularly “into it” regarding sharing our fun and frolic, our happiness and hedonism, our ecstasy and excitement, our. . . you get the picture.   I blame the pandemic for that.   I just can’t motivate myself to share that stuff.   Stress and uncertainty seem to bring the worse out of people, especially when people are seizing this opportunity to publicly fan the fears while privately doing all they can to make things worse.   He is just so stupid!   And the fact I don’t even have to say who “he” is, is tragic and sad.  I digress.

Whatever the cause of my own angst, I will be a bit light on the sexual details.  But in typical Jenny verbosity, that doesn’t mean light on other details.  I will also use this as an opportunity to recap and update you on our various friendships as well as give newer readers some background.

IMMERSION BACKGROUND
I’ve written about what is now an annual event we refer to as “Immersion.”  It began as a time we would set aside specifically to “immerse” ourselves into our kinks.  Explore things we were curious about, do things we weren’t necessarily committing to doing all the time, and just have a lot of fun.  By setting a specific and finite time to do this, we felt even freer to explore and push ourselves to try new things in a controlled and loving environment.   This year’s Immersion was in early March, better known as 10 years ago!   Wow, it certainly feels that way!

CIRCLE OF TRUST BACKGROUND
I’ve also written about our ever-expanding “Circle of Trust.”  This is the name we give our collective friends with whom we interact. . . um, er. . . interact as in, have sex with.  Well, it’s the truth, sort of.  It’s more than that, but sometimes not much more than that!   Okay, okay, it’s simply a group of friends where, when together, we don’t hide any of our kinks.  It doesn’t always mean there is sex involved.  Sometimes we might just watch a football game, watch a movie, have a barbecue. . . and then have lots of sex!   Ha!  Really, I am exaggerating.   Yes, there are often sexual activities, but not always, and even less does it involve swapping partners, but that can be part of it at times.

Before Immersion, there were some in the COT that had little to no experience in swinging.  And even today no one identifies as “swingers” and, thanks to Covid-19, none of us have had any follow up “interactions” since Immersion 2020.

Enough background, on to SWAPFEST!

SWAPFEST 2020
No one seems to remember who first pitched the idea for our theme this year, but the idea was simple.  A week-long wife-swap within the COT.  For more on that – 346.  Immersion in the year 2020 p.c. – Swapfest.  

When I refer to a “day” regarding Swapfest, I mean an entire day and overnight stay.  The days typically began at 10 a.m. and ended at 10 a.m. the next day.

RAULE AND VALERIE
Valerie is a former coworker of mine, married over 20 years, empty nester.  They had joined us in the 2019 Immersion where they had their first threesome which was with Donna.   I talk with Valerie now and then and pre-Covid her and Raul would sometimes come over or be part of our Sinday Football.  They limited their threesomes with just Donna and were often comfortable just observing the activities going on around them.   They are the most private of our group and the most reserved.  They opted not to join us in Swapfest.

JOHN AND DONNA
They are our best friends and neighbors I first mentioned back in Post 20.  Pre-Covid we interacted with them several times a week.  And by interact, I don’t mean fucking!  lol.  Well, maybe a little.  I mean, we would often just have dinner together or double-dates or Donna might come by for lunch or I would go to her house for lunch.  We do typical BFF stuff, and maybe sometimes throw in is some BDSM and sex stuff.  Ya’ know, like I stated, typical BFF stuff.

It’s been more than a month since we have met face-to-face with them other than a “hello” in the yard or brief conversations 6+ feet away.  We have done some video calls with them just to stay connected and see how each other is doing.  Platonic stuff.

As for Swapfest

  • I got a day with John as did Kayla. Since I already knew him very well, I can’t say I learned anything new about him.  I spent a lot of time alone with him in their “red room.”  John and Donna have always been more into BDSM than us.  And for me, most “impact play” is not play, but part of discipline as I tend to not mix sex with discipline.  I will dabble in some play and Immersion gave me the opportunity for lots of dabbling with John!   Who knew it could feel so good?  Lol!  John knew just how to do it, too!  Very fun!  Kayla said she had fun as well.

    Donna also had a day with Mike.  I understand Mike also took the opportunity to have extended “impact play” with her.   How thoughtful of Mike to accommodate her love of being whipped all over her body!  hee-hee.  He reported having a lot of fun and enjoying that experience.

TJ AND KIM
I first wrote about them about a year ago.  In that time they have opened up to each other in very dramatic ways regarding their sexual desires.   While oversimplifying it, she was very sexually repressed and the two of them rarely had sex.  

Our “COT” relationship began with her simply watching me and Mike have sex.  I wrote about the details of her sexual awakeningI won’t repeat it here.  It led her to understand she enjoyed being in control, and TJ enjoyed the submissive role!

They joined us in 2019’s Immersion where, for the first time, they got into some level of swapping.    Kim had sex with the women – me, Donna, and Kayla.  And TJ both gave and received oral sex from the women AND I got to try a strap-on on TJ, a first for me!

Throughout the past year, they would come over sometimes for our Football Sindays or otherwise hang out with us.  While there were times there was plenty of sex going on, the action was mostly the two of them having sex in front of everyone else who was having sex.  There were a few times where Kim would have sex with one or more of the women and one or more of the women would peg TJ.   However, Kim never had sex with any of the men and TJ never had anything but oral sex with the women.   That changed with Swapfest: 

  • TJ got a day with me, as well as a day with Kayla and a threesome day with me and Chelsea.  This was the most interesting experience for me because TJ likes to be dominated.  In addition to being pegged, he likes to have his penis slapped and whacked (especially with a ruler he has).   I’ve never been with a man who enjoyed that.  It was fun to sort of switch for a day.  While he enjoys being dominated, I wouldn’t call him submissive.  His submissiveness is limited to certain play and that is it.  He takes a more dominant role outside of play.  And even in play he could be a bit dominant.  He was always very exact in what he wanted and how he wanted it, even getting a little meanness to his tone re, “No, not like that.  I want you to…”  Hey!  At least he didn’t have a problem articulating his desires.

  • Kim got a day alone with Mike, and she also got a threesome with Kayla and John. Kim said that of all the men, she enjoyed her time with Mike the most.  Not because of the sex, but she said he was just more fun and interesting to talk with and “obey” compared to the others.  I may be biased, but Mike IS amazing, so why wouldn’t she feel that way!  I think it is because Mike is a submissive’s Dom versus a Dom’s Dom.  That is, he tries to tune into the needs and desires of the other person versus simply imposing his will, their needs and desires be damned.

  • TJ also had a day with Jill.  Of all the feedback we shared afterward, I think the two of them had the least enjoyable time together.  Their personalities just don’t click together.   Jill is almost too passive, expressionless, and unemotional.  TJ likes the woman to get into it.  That’s just not Jill.  There was no animosity, it was just clear they didn’t connect well.

The full swap experience was new for TJ and Kim.   Afterward they spoke of it in glowing terms – no regrets.  They feel it was a great outlet and made them appreciate each other even more.  They said they were open to the idea of swapping in the future with the caveat it is done while they were in the same room.

Oh – and as for where their kids were during Swapfest — Their eldest headed to the coast for spring break and their middle and youngest went to visit cousins in another state.   The spring break trip got Covid-canceled and their daughter decided to head to the lake where one her friend’s family had a house.  And, thanks to Covid, she ended up coming back earlier than expected, as did the two younger kids. as this was all going on just as Covid was upon us.   We ended Swapfest a little earlier than planned, but still got in all the swapping but didn’t get to some other planned events.

MATT AND JILL
You’ll know Matt as my one-time “boyfriend” of sorts.  Just a handful of dates.  He has been dating Jill now for at least a year.   Jill is a bit of an enigma.  She is quiet and reserved, but highly submissive.  She will tell you things about herself but you really have to pull it out of her.  And she’s very pretty!

As for Swapfest

  • I had a day with Matt while Mike had a night with Jill and a threesome with Jill and Kayla.   My time with Matt was fun but nothing new.  I’ve spent one-on-one time with him previously.   The only difference I noticed is that he is far more comfortable with his kinks and being Dominant than he was when we “dated.”

  • Mike had a hard time reading Jill’s reaction, as we all do.  She will tell you she had a great time, but she speaks so monotone and lacks expression such that there is always a disconnect between what she says she feels and what you feel that she feels.   We’ve come to understand that is just how she’s wired and if you want to know what she is thinking or feeling, you just have to ask, otherwise, she keeps it to herself.   Mike felt her demeanor had its own charm and turn on.  He admitted it was a bit of a turn on thinking she really didn’t want to do certain things but did them anyway.  Mike said she was open to everything, but again, rarely gave any signal she was “into it” other than when she orgasmed – but even then, her orgasm’s were subdued.   Kayla also gave similar feedback in that she got to have a threesome day with Mike and Jill.

Matt reported the both of them enjoyed Swapfest and were open to doing it again sometime.   Matt and Jill are both pretty much open to anything anyone suggests.

JAIME AND CHELSEA
 I got a day with Jaime and Mike got a day with Chelsea.  It was purposeful that Kayla was not paired with Jaime.   There’s a little jealousy issue that flares at times with Chelsea regarding Jaime and Kayla.  At least Chelsea is open about it and not passive-aggressive.  She has a solid friendship with Kayla and they are able to talk to each other about it.  Some feelings you can just explain away or easily reconcile and it works out best if everyone just recognizes it and honors those feelings.

Frankly, I believe she feels some jealousy around anyone with Jaime.  I was when they agreed to be part of Immersion 2020.  I can write an entire post (maybe I did) on how all kink can serves as an amplifier for how one already feels about themselves.   Whether submitting, objectifying yourself, swapping, or whatever the kink, said kink can either be a boost to your already high self-esteem, or for those with fragile or low self-esteem, it can create a post-kinky activity drop in your well-being.

Jaime had a threesome with Jill and Chelsea and one-on-one time with Donna, Kim, Jill, and with me.  Chelsea had one-on-one time with TJ, Matt, Mike, and another threesome but with me and TJ.   It was their first major foray into swapping.  

Before Immersion, all of us had a lot of conversations.  The entire group of us, various sub-groups of us, and even individual discussions.  Communication was important, but doubly so with Jaime and Chelsea.  I was concerned this was a bit too “advanced” for where they are in their relationship.   What made it worse is that because of Covid, we didn’t get a lot of follow up time to talk with them. We’ve done phone calls, chat, and video conference, but it isn’t the same.  I am still concerned that it may have been a bit much for them.   Perhaps in some ways, Covid has been a way for them to connect with just each other and stoke their passions as a couple.

In addition to the implications of the swapping, Jaime’s job has been severely impacted. He had a very large commercial contract get postponed that was going to be a major source of income.  He had freed up his calendar for that job and had to scramble to find whatever he could to fill the void — and there’s not much out there.  So they’ve got the financial concerns to deal with, which tend to be an amplifier of their own!   

Sooooo, there you have it.  Immersion 2020, P.C.   (Pre-Covid).

348. Blogo, Blogi, Blog-blog. A (semi) Self-indulgent Fourth Anniversary Post

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A FAMILY POST AND NOW THIS? 
At the risk of morphing into a vanilla blog (come on, not a chance!),  it just dawned on me I am approaching the FOURTH anniversary of this blog.   I already ignored a much more important anniversary — my FIFTH anniversary of Domestic Discipline in my marriage was officially March 17, 2020.   The good news for you in that, in so doing, you didn’t have to read a self-indulgent reflective post about my wonderful journey over five amazing years and blah, blah, blah.   Come on Jen, just tell us about your last spanking or some kinky sex!

I did promise at the end of the prior post that I would share a bit of kinky storytime in providing an update on our various relationships that make up our “Circle of Trust.”   Unfortunately, I changed my mind and that should be my NEXT post. 

IT’S A ‘THANK YOU’, REALLY
For this one, you’ll just have to deal with self-indulgent, “Look at me!” regarding my blog.  But it isn’t ALL about me.  I also want to give thanks to top commentors and referrers to my blog.   That’s it!  It’s a Thank You post!  Not self-indulgent at all.    I’ll never understand or fall into the “Look at me! culture that is starved for constant attention and validation.  (Ignore my past post inconveniently titled
326.  Look at me!  Validate me!).  Ahem.

I did an “Anniversary” post before in Post 241. Blogoversary and 134. 1yr Blogiversary, leading to the very important question that divides this world.  Is it “Blogoversary” or “Blogiversary?”   Or the more controversial, Blogaversary?

APRIL 23, 2016
My first post And the next day I made 11 posts IN ONE DAY.   Yeah, where did THAT Jenny go?   I was totally on fire to pour out my story.   Honestly, I saw this blog as “finished” once I posted my contract.  I was like, “And that’s how we adopted Domestic Discipline.  Thank you, and have a nice day!  The End.”  

Unfortunately for you, I continued, thus some of you have fallen down the DD Jenny rabbit hole of kinky debauchery.   If you’re going to go down a hole, that’s a pretty good one to go down.  (That’s what she said!)

So — as of just a few minutes before posting this — I stand at 1.3 million views from 250,000 visitors.   And almost every day over the last week has been a record day in views for me – topping over 3,000 per day.  I can only guess that Covid-fever has led to people hungry for entertainment and titillation.   Too bad they aren’t finding much of either of those things from me.   Maybe a little titillating?   If you’ve come here seeking titillation, don’t forget to do some titillation with whomever you’re with.  As the song goes, “If you can’t titillate the one you love, then titillate the one your with”  Or something like that.

WHERE THE PERVS ARE
As for geography, the top country for all time visitors is the sexually-repressed-closeted kink-capital of the world, the U.S.A. with 912k (Yeehaw  ‘Merica!).  U.K. next at 86, Canada 64k, India at 25k and Germany and Australia 23k.     To readers in those countries, here’s my way of saying hi, phonetically speaking — Ello! Ood day, eh.  Namaste’.  Ha-low, and Good-Eye, Might!

Djibouti has 43 all time.  Not all that noteworthy but I like saying “Djibouti” and thus had to include their stat.   Djibouti.  There, I just had to say it again.   It’s hard to say it without smiling.   I think with all the depressing news lately, the newscasters should end every segment with, “Djibouti!”

Viewer numbers from the Falkland Islands equal almost 5% of their population!   Either I am on my way to being the Submissive/Falkland Islands version of Jerry Lewis/France or there is one islander in serious need of of a spanking.  (I assume the latter).

WHO SENDS THEIR PERVS TO ME?
WordPress shows who your top referrers are, I assume based on clicking on a link from their page/site that sends viewers to my blog.  I have to give special thanks to one that over the last week has sent over 1,000 viewers my way. . .

Strict Julie Spanks!  A long time BlogSpot blogger who is both spanker and spankee and has over 10 million views.  Check her out!

And other notable sources of viewers came from Kinkly (awesome site where, look at me, I was ranked like #360-something out of 500 “top sex bloggers”),  My Bottom Smarts (a cornucopia of content and links to spank related content), and fellow WordPress bloggers  Collared Michael and Sayid’s Girl, and last, but not least, Sub-Missy.

I believe the importance of kink-related blogs isn’t just to tickle some prurient interest but to let those with such interests know that they are not alone.  Such thoughts are normal, and there are healthy ways to explore the immense pleasures that are locked within those interests.   So thank you, not just to those who sent viewers my way, but to all who decide to share sexually-oriented topics in their blogs.

And I want to take the opportunity to send whatever traffic I can one of my favorite places to go and read her take on sexuality, politics, dating, or whatever else strikes her fancy – Go Eat a CarrotPlease check her out.

SHARING THEIR THOUGHTS
Speaking of sharing, I want to give thanks to the brave souls who frequently comment on my posts.   I love the element of interaction that replying to comments provide.  Top stalkers…er, top commenters are Collared Michael, Naughty Nora, and Kdaddy.

WHAT’S THE MOST POPULAR?
Since it was first posted, post 25.  Intense Spanking Part II gets 3x the views than the next most popular page, 133. Intense Punishment.  Maybe the word “intense” has something to do with it?    People don’t just want to read about spanking or punishment unless it was “intense!”  Maybe?    Third most popular goes to, 247. Hey, my husband spanks me!.  Fourth and fifth go to the first and second versions of my contract.     I love that the contract is a popular topic as I believe it is the foundation for success in implementing a Domestic Discipline lifestyle.

THANK YOU
Thank you to all who read this, whether you just accidentally stumbled on it and are now queasy with no plans on returning, or are one of the cool and smart people who read it regularly, or if you are someone in-between.  I started this blog for me, almost like self-therapy.  I didn’t even consider whether it would resonate with anyone.  Nice to know that it has.  I guess I underestimated the kinky vibe that is just below the veneer of so many people all over the world.  Just remember, everyone’s kink is disgusting, except your own. 

Peel off that veneer and live your kink!  

Djibouti!

Post 349. Immersion Wrap Up

347. Update on the Fam

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MY APOLOGY TO PERVS
I know the last post disappointed the voyeuristic-perv segment of my readers, which accounts for 92.4% of you.  (Totally made up stat, but likely highly accurate).   I am feeling self-conscious about my hedonism given all that’s going on in the world.   But I do want to remind you that self-care is more important than ever!  I am all for anyone finding ways to experience pleasure to balance the stress and suffering of world events.   But sharing the details of over-the-top sexual reveille strikes me as a bit distasteful.  But since when have I been tasteful?

So. . .  Just kidding.  I am not going to go into the details of my recent sexcapades.  In fact, this post will be for the 7.6% of you who are here to more deeply connect with an immensely witty and open-minded sexual adventurer.   Okay, okay.   I admit that statement was a bit of puffery.   It’s more like 0.6% of you. As for the other 7%, I have no idea why you are here.

And as for my wit?  Okay,  it just might be slightly less than “immense?”  No? 

Well, at least I don’t think anyone would argue over “open-minded sexual adventurer?”  Although I just heard someone fake cough the word “slut!”    Was that you?  Now now.

FAMILY FRIENDLY
How do I segue from “slut” to “family friendly?”   Like this.

I mentioned I would post an update on family and friends given my four-month blogging hiatus from Nov to Feb.  What I will do is share a little bit about things I learned about some of my friends as I provide an update about them.   But consider that a tease because this post will be a quick update about family. 

THE KIDDOS
T1 is 31. 
No major update.  He’s been married to E for about a year-and-a-half now. Their farm now consists of some pigs, chickens, peacocks, and five beehives.  Their farm is next door to E’s cousins,
the Nudies.   They both were able to easily transition to work from home and while their respective businesses have seen a decline in activity, their jobs appear secure.

T2 is 24. 
Continues to live in the San Diego area with his girlfriend and I suspect perhaps a Polycule.  They moved into a big house with another couple as a way to share rent and expenses and afford a really nice place.   His job is defense-related and is secure, but too secure as he still has to go into work.  The good news is his employer has taken extreme precautions and T2 says he feels safe.  Most of the time he doesn’t have to interact with anyone and when he does, they can maintain distance.

The four of them had planned to trip to visit us and those plans were postponed due to Corona.  T2 and his girlfriend, G, were going to visit and they had decided to bring their “friends” along since their friends have never been to our city.   I have this sense that there’s more going on with the four of them.  Maybe because it is how my mind works giving my lifestyle choices, but there are things T2 has said that leads me to believe it.  I figure that conversation may be best face-to-face.   We shall see!

J is now 19.
I can’t believe it.  I’ve shared before he has a disability.  He pretty much lives full time with T1 and E on their farm.  He comes home now and then (my house will always be “home”).  What started as a bit of an experiment has turned into his life.  He has become their farmhand and helps out the Nudies as well.  He may have grown up in suburbia, but he’s taken to country living.  He was totally fascinated with the bees and has taken to beekeeping as a passion of his.  The only reason they have so many hives now is because of J.

While he needs people close by, he has shown a tremendous level of independence that we once thought impossible.  Years of hard work and therapies have definitely paid off.   The plan is to build him his own place on the property.  Something that could serve as a guest house in the future, or his house for as long as needed.   Maybe something along the lines of Texas Flip and Move.  We had just started seriously looking into our options and then Corona hit.  So maybe in the fall?!?

J’s absence has given us an empty nest.  His room is still here and intact as he comes home now and then, but it clear, the bird has left the nest!   I must admit I feel a bit lost and a range of emotions from joy and pride, to a sense of loss as well.  Maybe for another post?

My sisters. 
I’ve shared many
posts about their questioning my lifestyle.   They still do from time to time.  Not in a judgey way, but their typical sister-love sort of way.  One of my sisters feigns disgust in my “corrupting” one of her daughters.   My niece was one of many family members who visited T1 and E shortly after they moved to the farm.

This “exposed” many of them to naturism for the first time as almost everyone decided to ditch their clothes while at the farm (any they still do whenever they visit).   My niece became hooked and identifies as a nudist now.  By the way, my sister doesn’t think ill of it at all.  It is completely a joke when she says I corrupted her daughter. 

GET NAKED!
As my niece experienced, naturism is addicting!   Everyone who has been to the farm and donned their birthday suit has only had positive things to say about the experience.   Most left the nudity on the farm, but some admitted to a quasi-nude lifestyle at home.  And my niece is all in, having visited a nearby nude lakeside beach many times with her friends (pre-Corona) and who is naked every chance she gets.

With all the isolation-in-place, you and yours should try going clothes-free around the house.  Saves on laundry!   Days can go by where we never put on a stitch of clothing.  The exceptions are whenever Mike or Kayla have to put something on for a video conference.     They both have been tempted to just dress from the waist up, but both fear that they are so comfortable being naked that they will forget and stand up during the conference.   As funny as that sounds, I don’t think their employers would be amused.   There have been stories like that already floating around as people forget their camera is rolling while having video-conferences.  Best that they do not become one of those stories.

NEXT – Real Subwives of Texas?
Next post will be for you pervs.  I will share some kinky things I learned from
Immersion and give a rundown of what my friends within our Circle of Trust are up to.    I feel a bit like Andy Cohen and Watch What Happens, Live.  Maybe Pornhub would want to get into producing content?   Real Subwives?   Sign me up!

NEXT: 348. Blogo, Blogi, Blog-Blog. A (semi) Self-indulgent Fourth Anniversary Post

346. Immersion in the Year 2020 P.C. – Swapfest

346

Since I haven’t been posting regularly I plan on continuing doing an update on the people in my life.  I’ve posted about Mike and Kayla, and will share a family-friendly update about my kids, and then our friends within our “Circle of Trust,” and maybe my lunch bunch friends as well.  But before I do, I figured I should cover our 2020 Immersion. 

2020 P.C.?
There is a new way to mark time.  “PC” as in “Pre-Corona.”  (and conversely, AC for “After Corona).  Immersion was right on the cusp of Corona.  In hindsight, much closer than we imagined and we are fortunate we didn’t cause our own outbreak.  Immersion ran from March 6 – March 12, which in Corona time seems like years ago. 

I also want to mention that I put off writing about it because the idea of talking about overindulgent sexual gratification may be insensitive during these trying times.  However, I also feel it may be just the mental break we all need.  Dive into your fantasies and pick some to actually live out with a partner.   One positive of troubling times is that it underscores that that is no time like the present.

IMMERSION?
Our “Immersion” tradition began in 2016 as an idea we came up with to explore and experiment beyond our normal TTWD.   Setting aside specific “exploratory” time to fully immerse ourselves into all things kink is a great way to open your mind to new things.  There’s a psychological benefit to knowing that it is likely temporary and part of an experiment of sorts.   It allows us a greater psychological freedom to really explore our kinks.    

  • Our first immersion was about exploring a Total Power Exchange dynamic where I gave Mike ultimate control over everything.   Keep in mind up to that point we had been practicing a “DD for me” that was about discipline and rules that were on my terms, not Mike’s.
  • Our 2017 Immersion was dubbed “The Forbidden Zone” and was our first immersion with Kayla.   John and Donna even joined in part of it.   We explored all sorts of dynamics from Pet Play, Shibari, DD/lg.
  • For 2018 the theme was “Got Milk?”  Yep, exploring lactation fetish, among other things.   John and Donna also joined us and while we did explore other things, the notable “event’ was the lactation.
  • And last year, it was a group event with the main theme of Con/NonCon.  We jokingly refer to it as Con-NonCon-Con as in Consensual Nonconsent Convention.   The consensus is that this was our least favorite Immersion. No regrets, as Immersion is about new experiences and finding what turns you on or off.   The best part of it was the deepening of friendships within our Circle of Trust.  It had a total of 15 participants, although we weren’t all together at the same time.  

This year?  The theme was SwapFest!.  The idea was to take expand on the best of 2019’s Immersion and use it as an opportunity to better forge individual and collective relationships within our “Circle of Trust.”  We’ve become a very unique group of friends!

CIRCLE OF TRUST (COT)
If you’re new here, our COT is what we call our close group of friends with whom we kink.  This kink can involve swapping partners or various other sexually or kinky oriented play.   The official COT for us includes John and Donna, Matt and Jillian, TJ and Kim, and Jaime and Chelsea.  Auxiliary members include Valerie and Raul, with ad-hoc membership from Mister and Nurse Ann.   A cornucopia of debauchery!

IMMERSION 2020 PC: SWAPFEST
Not sure who exactly came up with the idea.  It was a collective idea that emerged from the guys.   It would include the three of us, of course, along with John and Donna, Matt and Jillian, TJ and Kim, and Jaime and Chelsea.

There was planning involved such that people took time off from work and TJ and Kim arranged for childcare.  TJ and Kim arranged to have all three of their kids visiting or vacationing elsewhere.  

The idea was simple, we would rotate through a mix of “couplings.”  These would be groups of two or three people who would spend the day and night together.  The idea of these swaps would be to get to know each other better and use that time to not only explore new activities but to learn more about each other.  I hope this image displays properly.  It shows how people were paired with each other:

Group

You read it like this – Day 1, Jill and Chelsea spent the day and night with Jaime, while Donna spent it with Mike, I spent it with TJ, Kayla with Matt, and Kim with John.  The women spent the day at the house/apartment of the respective man.  The rules were we (woman) would serve and submit to that man.   As always, limits and safe words were respected.

This was a big deal on many levels.  Not every couple considers themselves swingers.  They may have done some swap/soft swap here and there, but not as a lifestyle.  Not that we were intending for this to start such a lifestyle — it was meant as exploration and play.  But still, it was a big deal for many involved, especially Jaime and Chelsea.  But everyone was excited about it.  

Day 1 started at 10 a.m. when the women went to the homes of “their man.”  It didn’t end until 10 a.m. the next day when the women would go to their “next man.” 

It allowed us to get to know each other in a more meaningful way.  I learned more about certain kinks that some people have.  For instance, TJ surprised me the most in that he liked to be on the receiving end of certain humiliation play and punishments.  I guess I shouldn’t have been that surprised since I knew he liked being pegged, I just didn’t realize what else he was into in that regard.  

Being one-on-one with Jaime was also interesting.  He’s shy and quiet but once he got comfortable he let loose in ways that surprised me.   I could share details, but I think I’ll leave some things to your imagination.   It would take too long to give you a blow-by-blow (both literally and figuratively, hee-hee) of each of my pairings.

The threesomes were also interesting.  I drew one, with Chelsea and TJ.  I was glad I got to be with Chelsea on that one as she didn’t really know what to make of TJ and I was able to help her and keep her feeling safe and secure.   TJ is a freak – and I say that in a non-judgmental affectionate way.  I can enjoy a freak.  I can handle a freak.  Chelsea, well, she was a bit perplexed and unsure at times.   We got through it.  

In addition to my own fun,  Mike and Kayla loved the experience as well.  We all swapped lots of interesting and sometimes funny stories!

We had planned a Day 6 gathering of everyone and canceled it due to the oncoming Corona and the expected early return of Kim and TJ’s kids.   Oh, the things we have had to give up due to this pandemic!   

FILL IN THE ‘IN
Sorry that I was light on the explicit details.  Just know there was a lot of f’in and suckin’ and whippin’ and lickin’ and pokin’ and prodin’ and all sorts of in’in and out’in.   May your imagination run wild!  

Let’s hope life A.C. is as fun and kinky as life P.C.!

NEXT: 347. Update on the Fam

 

345. Kayla Part IV – Stories of first times

345

Picking up where we left off . . .

Jen:  So Kayla, speaking of semen… you did sort of mention semen…. let’s end this with questions about sex.   What do you think about your sex life?

Kayla:  It’s great, it’s plentiful, it’s great, it’s adventurous, it’s great, it’s fun, it’s great.  Did I say that it was great?  I enjoy sex.  I enjoy being sexual, and I enjoy that Mike enjoys all of that from me.  I am eager to please him in all ways, and sex is just one more way.

Jen: How adventurous were you before our relationship?  Tell us something about your first time and any other notable experiences before we so thoroughly corrupted you.

Kayla:  Maybe I was the one that thoroughly corrupted you?

Jen:  Touche’.

Kayla:  Let’s see. My first girl experience wasn’t much.  I kissed a girl when I was a freshman in high school.  She was a senior.  We kissed and rubbed each other over our clothing, but it didn’t go any further.  We did it a couple of times but then she got scared and said she wanted to stop.

I was fine with that.  I had my reservations and wasn’t bummed out by her wanting to stop, but I would have taken things as far as she was willing.  I didn’t think of myself as bisexual or gay.  I loved guys.  It was more like I was experimenting with a friend.  But the thoughts of sex with another girl didn’t turn me off, but it didn’t turn me on like guys did.

My earliest sexual experience – outside of touching myself or the “towel fun I previously mentioned – was when I was in middle school.  Seventh grade.  That would make me 12 or maybe I had turned 13.  How much detail do you want?  I could probably give you enough for an entire post.   I’ll cut to the chase.  It was in a treehouse with an older boy.  A freshman in high school, so like 15.  Really big stuff for someone in seventh grade.   Anyway, the short of it is that I got naked for him and let him touch, I then got dressed and he got naked for me and let me touch.  My first handjob.  And he came!   Success!  Ha.

We never got together after that.   Funny aside but he later came out as gay.  So I guess I was so bad I turned him gay?  And also, since we didn’t mess around after that one incident, maybe it counts as my first one night stand (laughing).

Jen?  Your first one-nighter?  So there were more?

Kayla:  Uh… no actually.  Oh, wait, one.  Yeah, and that one I don’t even remember his name.  I was about 19 or 20 and it was at a party.   And that was a for-real one-nighter.  Live and learn.

Jen:  And your first time having sex?

Kayla:  I was 16. He was 19.  I met him at a church retreat, but my first time didn’t leave me screaming, “Oh, God!”  (laughing).

The retreat was in the woods and there were a bunch of cabins.  He was one of the “counselors”  and, me being me, I befriended the older crowd who were all the counselors.  I was attracted to him and the short story is that he led me off to some unused cabins far from the main area and we had sex.   He brought a condom, so in hindsight, he was totally prepared.  I knew as we were walking there that we were going to mess around, but I didn’t think we would have sex.

Jen:  Why do you think you weren’t thinking of sex?

Kayla:  Inexperienced I guess.  But it wasn’t like I thought we weren’t going to have sex.  I just didn’t evaluate the situation one way or the other.  It was like, “Yea, this ‘man’ wants to fool around with me.”

I had boyfriends and had kissed and touched and been touched before.  But it was always up to the guy regarding how far things went.  I was always pretty passive.  I wanted to please and was too afraid to make a move they didn’t want. I figured if they wanted it, they would, well, it sounds bad, but, just take it.  Not in a rough way, but just, well, initiate it.  Maybe that’s a better word.  Initiate it.  Yes, much better.  Initiate, not take.  I have never felt someone “took” something sexually from me.  I’ve been fortunate that I have always been in a position to freely give, but they had to initiate.

Jen:  Going back to that experience in the treehouse, did he initiate it?

Kayla:  Oh, he did, for sure.  But I was for sure cool with it.  I wanted to please, even then.  And he sort of jokingly said something like, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”  That’s all it took.  I was like, “Okay.”  He said, “You first.”  I took my shirt off.  Very compliant. In hindsight I could have just snickered and said, “You wish” and that would have been the end of it.  But I am glad I didn’t.  I don’t regret the experience.

Jen:   What was that first time in the cabin like?

Kayla:  The guy was nice.  He wasn’t aggressive but didn’t have to be.  I didn’t resist anything, but he was clearly the initiator.  He totally pulled my pants and panties off, and after some foreplay, he pulled his pants down and well, did the deed.  My mind was not into the sexual pleasure of it.  I mean, parts of it felt good but my mind wondered and focused on the parts that were a bit uncomfortable or mundane. 

I was feeling some new sensations in my vagina and some nice swirls in my belly, but what I remember thinking of the most was the floor and the ceiling.  Yep.  Floor and ceiling, not fireworks and over the top passion.  It was an older unused cabin.  The planks that made up the floor were very rough, I kept thinking, “I am going to get a splinter!”   And I remember the ceiling.  I can picture it today.  Old planks of wood with occasional water stains.   No denying it,  I was not that into the sex and it was more like he was having sex with me than I with him.  He didn’t mind.

It seemed like he lasted a long time.  I would think about what I was feeling down there…combination of discomfort and delight…then think about the floor that was scratching my back, then think about the ceiling – almost like looking at clouds and imagine a bunny or funny face.  I was doing that with the water stains.   OH, and then back to the feeling between my legs for a moment, then back to staring at the ceiling.  As he got close I started to focus on his breathing.  I liked that part more than anything.  He let out the cutest noises that got louder and louder.  I didn’t fully understand it but knew that it was a sign he was enjoying it.  I liked that part more than anything.  Then he came.

Jen:  Did you go off to the cabins with him again after that.

Kayla:  Yes.  Twice more.  Also, it became the first time I gave and received oral sex.   He went down on me and afterward asked if I wanted to go down on him.  Again, that’s all I needed.  I was totally compliant as long as I didn’t have to initiate stuff.  He asked.  That was good enough for me.   I mean, I wanted to, I just didn’t want to have to initiate it. I know that was the insecurity in me.  I felt I didn’t deserve to ask or to presume he wanted what I wanted.  I only wanted to do what he wanted to do, so all he had to do was ask.

Jen: And your initial thoughts about oral sex?

Kayla:  Receiving?  Loved it.  I mean, really loved it.  No thoughts of the floor or ceiling during that.  He made me have an orgasm.  And while it felt incredible for me, I remember how happy it made him.  As someone who wanted to please, in my mind, I was like, “Oh, I get it.  I need to orgasm to make him that happy.”

At that point,  I think it was important to my psyche that my sexual pleasure was about the other person and not about me.  I told myself that my orgasms were for him.   In reality, believe me, they felt good to me.  I enjoyed them and wanted more of them, whether with a guy or by myself.  But I think at that point in my maturity I couldn’t admit that I owned my sexual desires or pleasure.  Maybe it was guilt or shame?  Not sure, but the way I reconciled my reluctance to accept my sexual desires was to rationalize they weren’t for me but for the person I was with.  I think that’s how I started finding my joy through their joy.

Jen: And what about giving oral sex?

Kayla:  As I said, he had to ask – but only had to ask once!  (laughing)

I remember that pretty vividly too.   If he loved my orgasm from eating me out, he took it to another level when I gave him head.  And his reaction during it all was totally turning me on.  I didn’t have an orgasm but I remember being very turned on after he finally came.  I was as out of breath as he was and I was wanting to go again.  I think if he lasted a little longer I would have cum.  To this day I’ve always been orgasmic when giving head.

Jen: So did you swallow?

Kayla: Yes.  I didn’t even think of it as an option.  I mean, I guess I would have spit it out if it had tasted gross.  It was fine and went right down.  No big deal.  In hindsight, he either didn’t cum a lot or it just slid right down.  The swallowing seemed uneventful at the time.

Jen:  What was your biggest takeaway from your cabin experience regarding your sexual evolution?  Any regrets?

Kayla:  Biggest take-ways from the camp were – Oral sex?  Totally rocks.  Penis-in-vagina?  Over-hyped.  But the most significant takeaway is that I actually had the ability to make someone feel that good and that someone could also take pleasure in me feeling that good.   No regrets.  He was a good guy to lose my virginity to.

Jen:  Interesting.  Even now you explain it in a way that is very focused on the other person.  Your ability to make THEM feel good.  THEIR finding pleasure in your feeling good.  All seem like submissive thinking.

Kayla:  Totally.  As I said, I was very compliant.  I was fortunate I generally hung around decent people.  Any of the guys, from the treehouse to the cabin, to first girl-on-girl kiss, could have asked me to do anything and I would have complied.   In reflection, it is easy to joke about, but no joke, I am lucky.  I don’t think I was ready for anything beyond what actually took place in each of those situations.  Of course, in hindsight, I think they weren’t either, which is why things happened the way they did.

Jen:  What of your first time with a woman, beyond the kissing and over the clothes stuff.

Kayla:  Shouldn’t I share my first threesome experience with two guys? I mean, if we are going about this chronologically?

Jen:   I don’t think my readers would object.  Do tell

Kayla: I was 17 and was dating a 20-year-old.  I met him in high school and he went on to college.  He seemed like a “man” and it was a big deal that I was dating someone in college.   We were having sex pretty regularly and all was good on that front.  His brother was my age and in my grade.   I was talking with my boyfriend and he told me his brother was a virgin.  I said something like, “maybe I could hook him up.”  My boyfriend said, “You’d do that for him?”  I was puzzled and was like, “Sure, why not.  He’s cute, he looks like you.”  My boyfriend then said, “Can I watch?” I was like, “What? Wait?  Watch what?”

Then it got awkward.  I had said, “Maybe I could hook him up,” which I meant to mean maybe I could find him a girlfriend.  But my boyfriend thought he heard me say, “Maybe I can hook up?”  which he interpreted as me saying, “Maybe I can hook up with your brother?”

Again, being the pleaser I was, and not finding the prospects the least bit objectionable, after a good laugh I told my boyfriend that if he wanted me to, I would do that.    Turned out that for my first time with his brother it was just me and the brother, no one watching.  But the next time it was all three of us — and no one was just just watching!  Yep, I had a threesome with two brothers.

Jen:  Was it a recurring thing?

Kayla:  No.  The threesome was just that one time.  But I did have sex with the brother again. That’s another story, but the short of it is that I bet I was the last girlfriend he shared with his brother (laughing).

Jen: What of your first time with a woman

Kayla:  That would be my friends I was living with right before I moved in with you.  I met her in my first year of college.   The short story is she wanted to surprise her boyfriend with a threesome and I said:  “Count me in.”   So my first time with another woman there was also a man involved, but eventually, just the two of us would get together.   They asked me to move in, which I did, and well, that’s where I was when this older couple took advantage of me, brainwashed me, made me join their marriage and be their sex slave.  Um, er, ah.  I mean, that’s when you confided in me about your dynamic and well, here we are today.

Jen:  And THAT’s the story of Kayla!

That will be the end of these interviews.  But I will post a quick rundown of where things are with our “Circle of Trust” couples since I haven’t shared much about them in a long time.  Oh, and of course, I still need to do a post about our Immersion 2020.

It’s so strange.  Our Immersion was just a few weeks ago, but it seems like a long time ago.  It was right on the cusp of our country taking COVID seriously.   We were being foolish as we were doing the exact opposite of social distancing.  Thankfully it was still within a limited number of friends, but still – dumb, dumb, dumb!  Anyways, we survived it unscathed and uninfected.  Which is the goal of any orgy!   It will be nice to remember the good ol’ days of a few weeks ago.

Hope you enjoyed the 4-mega posts with Kayla!

NEXT: 346. Immersion in the Year 2020 P.C. – Swapfest

 

 

 

 

 

344. Kayla Interview Part III

344

I know I’ve spent a lot of time posting about my “Interview with Kayla.”  Don’t you know that I am slightly fond of her?   Hee-hee.   Hopefully, you find that hearing from her is interesting and entertaining.    If you didn’t read the other parts, here ya go — Part I.    Part II.

PART III
Jen:  I had someone email me asking about finances.  They were in a long term committed poly relationship and found the finances to be a point of contention.

Kayla: I think whether it’s a traditional or non-traditional relationship, money can be a source of friction.   I think it is less about the type of relationship and more about any differences in how each person views money.  You probably understand the psychology better than I do.

Jen:   Yes, there is something universal about household finances as a potential point of conflict for any relationship.   Economic power is just one more area a couple in a power-exchange dynamic has to address.  Sometimes the submissive may be willing to submit in many ways except economically.   This can cause conflict if the Dom expects such submission.  No different than if talking sex or household rules of any kind.

There’s nothing wrong with a power-exchange that does not include an exchange of economic power.  There is no right way or wrong way for a submissive or a Dom to think about this.   The key is,  no relationship can ignore this topic and like EVERY aspect of their relationship, they have to find a solution that works for everyone involved.  You can assume a submissive is likely to submit financially, but they may not for many valid reasons.  No different than say a submissive who does not want to be sexually shared or that just doesn’t do windows.  Haha.  They just have to find a Dom that accepts it.  But this post isn’t about financial advice for kinksters, it’s about you.  So explain how your finances work.

Kayla: I think you posted about this (I did).   When I was going to school I paid you rent.  My dad was still giving me money for living expenses and I had a part-time job for a bit.  I would give all my money to Mike and he would give me an allowance.  He monitored my purchases and I had to get permission for most expenditures.  I didn’t have many expenses since you all took care of groceries, utilities, and stuff like that and my dad took care of school expenses.

When I started working a “career” job after finishing school, I didn’t hesitate to give all my money to Mike.  Direct deposit into his account.   We didn’t even discuss it ahead of time.   I just did it as it was natural to me and I expected it of myself, as much as Mike expected it of me.  The fact I was making significantly more money didn’t change this for me.

Jen:  Did he expect it?  What would you say to those that think he, or we, are taking advantage of you? 

Kayla:  If they are going to point to the money as the area of concern, and not all the other submissive things I do or that I am part of a relationship with a married couple, then to me that’s a positive.  At least they accept those other parts and if they want to focus on the finances, so be it.  To me, either I am being taken advantage of in every aspect of our relationship or I am not.  I know I am not.  What others think doesn’t bother me.  You all bought me a car (Post 283. We are three) with what I thought was rent money I was giving to you.  I have no reason not to trust you all. 

Jen:  I understand it, but what would you say to those that don’t?

Kayla:  I think they say that because they can’t understand how I could be secure in this relationship, emotionally or financially.  They assume my relationship with you all is tenuous and I should maintain an exit plan, including a financial one.  That’s b.s. to me.  I bet I am saving more money than my peers.  

Jen:  You have money in your own name?

Kayla:  Yes, Mike insisted.  But he does see my statement and I can not spend it – period.  But to be clear, I would have accepted having nothing in my name.  I was even willing to have the car in his name.  I was willing to have no assets to my name.  Mike was the one who insisted on an arrangement where I have money of my own.

Mike said that I deserved a semblance of financial security that you have as his legal wife.  While legally it can never be the same, he felt it important that I had a safety net.  I can’t get equity in the home, but I could build equity some other way.  His explanation made me feel better because honestly, I wanted to 100% submit financially – give everything to him.   Now, I cherish what I do have in my name because it represents a financial equity in this household and in our marriage, legal or not.

Jen:  Explain how the arrangement works.

Kayla:  All our money goes into our household “Bills” account that Mike controls.  He takes care of the mortgage, utilities, and any recurring monthly expenses.   There’s typically a set amount that he then transfers to our “Daily” account.  All three of us are on the Daily account and use it for groceries, gas, clothing, and things like that.   (I covered the basics of this is in Post 181.  Domestic Financial Discipline).   The two of us have rules on what we can buy without permission, like groceries and gas.  This account is like our allowance.  Mike rarely makes purchases from that account since we are responsible for day-to-day household needs.   We are free to spend that account down to zero if need be as it is the amount Mike has allocated for all those daily type household expenses.

And when he puts money in the Daily, he also puts some in our individual savings accounts and the family savings account.  That can be used for gifts for birthdays and Christmas and to build up for that rainy day.   So savings is already taken out as if it were its own expense.  Mike is so good with money.  I have no clue how to spend wisely or save anything.  Well, I do now.

I already have a nice savings balance, plus Mike was adamant I contribute a large amount to my employer’s 401(k).  Believe me, financially speaking I am way better off than most of my peers.  While it sounds ominous that my paycheck goes to Mike, I not only enjoy this arrangement, I am benefiting from it.  Mike also provides me a level of financial discipline I could not provide on my own. 

Jen:  Speaking of discipline, let’s talk DD, more precisely, how your journey into submission has evolved.   What’s your narrative to describe your journey?

Kayla:  The summary of it is, I was insecure, I was self-destructive and headed down a path of even greater destruction, I was scared, I was lost.  I was like a ship that on the outside seemed seaworthy but I had no rudder.  Then you all let me in.  From the moment you shared your dynamic with me I was intrigued.  Make that hooked(Post 77.  Heart to Heart with Kayla).  I remember immediately thinking, “I want Mr. H to treat me that way.”  I think I became very flirty in hopes of charming you.  I guess it worked!

Jen:  Ya’ think?   Speaking of me, at first, we dabbled with having me as a disciplinarian along with Mike.  Talk about that.

Kayla:  I liked the idea of being submissive and accountable to both of you.  In some ways I still do, but not to the degree I needed it at first.  I can’t explain it, but I think part of it was that I wanted to be accepted by both of you and a part of both of you.  I didn’t want just a one-way relationship that was only me and Mike while the two of you had your own relationship.  I wanted a three-way relationship and at the time I thought being submissive to you was one way to have that.   Over time I realized I could have a relationship with you that didn’t include being your submissive, and anyway, it was interfering with your submissive mindset, so we both sort of moved on from that.

Jen:  “Sort of?”  So would you prefer that I discipline you?

Kayla:  Sometimes.  But I know when I think through the implications, while I like the idea of it, I wouldn’t like the reality of it.  I love where things are between us and wouldn’t want to change it.  But, I wouldn’t mind a spanking from you now and then, even if just play.

Jen:  Noted.  We can make that happen.  How would you describe our relationship and your thoughts about the age difference?

Kayla:  You are my wife.  That’s how I describe it.  I love you.  Age exists but doesn’t change those feelings.  I figure there is probably some element of psychology at work regarding my relationship with my mom – or lack of.   When I was 12-15ish I thought of you as a motherly figure.  No escaping that.  I love the warmth of your nurturing soul, and I love to be the object of that nurturing.   And at one time that nurturing may have had more of a mother-daughter vibe, but that vibe completely changed when I became a part of the family.

Jen:  Thank you, and yes, it did.  You are confident and vibrant.  You are “adulting” very well.   You don’t need mothering.   But, you do like to be little?  What do you think that is about? (Post 279. And baby makes three)

Kayla:  We’ve talked about this a lot and I still can’t fully explain it.  I think the really young age play — infant level play — was part of “resetting” my childhood from the beginning.   I needed to start from that beginning.  Sort of role-playing it out where I got everything I needed psychologically.   And then eventually I “aged up” in that play from infant to toddler to young child.

Jen:  And where are you today in that play?

Kayla:  I don’t know any other littles, but from what I’ve read I am probably more in line with the more traditional little-play.  I still have that need to be little now and then.   It’s fun role play, but I get deeply into it, beyond a role.  I become little in my mind.  I’d say my little persona ranges from age 4 to 7 but occasionally may dip into age 2 or 3 regarding breastfeeding or diaper play.

Jen:  I love that breastfeeding and diaper play rolls off your tongue as if you were talking about a favorite dessert or dress.

Kayla:  What?  You mean they aren’t normal things to talk about?   If your readers could only hear some of our conversations!  Besides, those are my favorite desserts and dress. (laughing). 

Jen:  What about your need for discipline.  Do you think about why you need this lifestyle?

Kayla:  Not really.  I just accept it.  It fulfills me.  It just feels right.  It’s like if you asked a vanilla hetero woman what she thinks about why she needs her vanilla hetero lifestyle.  You just are what you are and should just be what you are.  Go with it if it fulfills you and doesn’t harm others.

Jen:  You’re right.  I think I project my feelings on this.  Coming from 20+ years of being that vanilla hetero wife, I guess it’s easier for me to think about why I changed.  I lived the other side for so long and thus it may be more natural to occasionally reflect.  But you never see a friend or co-worker or woman in the store or ever have thoughts of, “I wish I could do that.  I wish I could be free?”

Kayla:  Never.  I cherish my role in our marriage and love being submissive.  I am free!  Free to explore something that means everything to me.  Free to explore my submission and do so in a healthy and nurturing environment.  I wouldn’t want any other life or lifestyle.

Jen:  Your submission is deeper than mine, in terms of what you do and what fulfills you.  In kink terms, it is more Master/slave than simply Dominant/submissive.

Kayla:  Like you, I had to find my limits, that level of submission that fulfilled me and that Mike was comfortable with giving.  He’s such a perfect Dom in helping both of us find our individual limits and not dictating them.  I do love a more slave oriented dynamic than a submissive one.   It’s hard to explain.  I need Mike to know I am his in any and every way he wants.  It isn’t enough for him to feel it is true, I want him to demonstrate it is true.   No different than you.  It’s just a matter of degree.  Mike is awesome at recognizing the different degrees to set things for you compared to me.

Jen:  I agree, but I always like to note on my blog that while Mike is the perfect Dom, he’s our perfect Dom.  He’s perfect because he fulfills what we both need and want.  Someone else with different needs and wants may find him inadequate.  I like to tell my readers that the perfect Dom is the one that is perfect for you.  Fortunately, Mike is perfect for both of us.

Kayla:  Oh he sure is, and that makes it all the more fulfilling to serve him.  He deserves it.  He deserves you, and he deserves me, every ounce and fiber of me.  While I may have freely given myself to him, he has shown me that he deserves all of me.  It’s a wonderful feeling.

Jen:  Yes, it is.   When you first joined our family, I made several posts about adjustments I had to make, emotionally, dealing with feelings related to jealously.  Have you ever been jealous of me?

Kayla:  I don’t think so.  I love Mike.  But I don’t feel I need him all to myself.  Maybe I was fortunate that early on I was too insecure to consider jealousy.   That seems counter-intuitive as jealousy is rooted in insecurity.  But I felt so deeply insecure that I felt like I didn’t even deserve the feeling of jealousy.   Does that make sense? (yes!) 

He was your husband and I so much wanted to be a part of the two of you, that I didn’t give my mind the chance to think anything negative.  I never once felt in competition with you.  I didn’t feel I was even entitled to feel like I was competing.

By the time I knew my position in the family was cemented, there simply wasn’t a need for any negative feelings.  If such feelings were bubbling around somewhere in my mind, I was in a place where they didn’t matter and I could reconcile them.

And what is there to be jealous of?  What would I be competing for?   Not legally being his wife?   When I think that through I feel terrible, not jealous.  If I were his wife, you would not be.  I would never take that from you, or from him, or the kids.  Their parents are married and in love.   I could never want something that would require others to experience so much pain and anguish.  Besides, I have everything I need from him and from you.  I don’t feel anything is lacking.  Like you, I love anything that brings joy to Mike, and there isn’t anyone that brings him more joy than you.   

 Jen:  Thank you, and know that you bring him a lot of joy as well.  He loves you, and I love you, and we both love that the other loves you.  Lots of love to go around.  As I stated before, Love is not Pie.  It is not to be divided and rationed.  It is infinite and to be shared.

You do a lot for Mike.  Things I don’t even do.  You clean his car every day, you run to put towels in the dryer when he showers so you can bring him warm towels when he is done.  The two of you have a lot of rituals as well and he communicates a lot to you in simple gestures, like your own form of sign language.  Mike is also a lot more strict with you.  You probably get 2-3 times the spankings I do.  And your discipline mixes in a lot of sex.  Do you ever look at my dynamic with Mike and wish your submission was less deep?

Kayla:  The question is, do you ever look at mine and wish yours was deeper?

Jen:  No, that’s not the question.  (I said in a mock stern voice). But I think I understand that as an answer.  In other words, your submission is where you and Mike want it to be and that’s that.  I totally get that.  And for the record, I love watching the two of you interact.  It always brings me joy to witness your submission to him.

Changing gears. You are changing your last name to match ours.  This is an amazing commitment on your part and we are overwhelmed by your decision.  It never dawned on us to even consider such a thing.  It’s so special.  I don’t have the right words to express just how special a gift that is to us.  No question for you.  I just needed to state that for my readers.   On second thought, I do have a question.  What gave you that idea and why did you ask both of us for permission and not just Mike?

Kayla:  Thank you.  And it isn’t my gift to you, but your gift to me.  I was very nervous when I asked you all.  I thought one or both of you might get upset and think I was taking things too far.  But I kept telling myself that you all have been so supportive and transparent with our relationship – the ceremony, the tattoos.   As for how it came to me, it was very sudden, like this lightning bolt.   I friend of mine is friends with a gay male couple who were married.  She was telling me that when her friends married, they created a new last name that was a mixture of their two names.  (here’s a name-mixing tool I found that can help you with ideas) 

In an instant it hit me.  I need to change my name.  And it was more than just needing it, I had to do it.  I felt bad that I hadn’t thought of it before.  Like I was lacking in trust in our relationship and every day I kept my last name was another day of not demonstrating my full trust.   I think that’s why I got nervous.  I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if you said no.  I thought you all would be happy, but no one can be 100% sure about that.  And I was mostly worried about your reaction, Jen.  

You’ve always been so supportive and inclusive of me – as part of your family when I was a child, and as part of your marriage as an adult.  But I still worried you might think I was going too far, that changing my name was a way to put myself closer to your level.  It was a name you had taken, and that maybe you would think I was trying to minimize you taking his name.  I felt it was important that I ask both of you and not just Mike.   As much as I know Mike is the ultimate decider of all things in our family,  I wanted your immediate reaction.  I would feel guilty if I thought you were just going along with it because Mike agreed.  I didn’t want you to just go along with it.  I wanted you to honor it, to invite it, to welcome it.  And you did. 

Jen:  Yes, we both did.  Thank you for considering my feelings like that.  It is a very big decision, but one I did not hesitate to support.  The moment you asked I was like, “Oh my god, I love it. Why didn’t we think of this?  It’s perfect.”  You were there.  I got reprimanded by Mike for not letting him speak first.   Again, it’s a wonderful gift to give us and demonstrates your commitment to the three of us as a unified triad.   So where do you see yourself in five or ten years?  What about kids?

Kayla:  I see myself a part of this family.  We are three!  In my mind, it is “until death do us part.”  I know I am still young and that the road in life has a way of throwing unexpected curves or present divergent paths.  If that happens, we deal with them at that time.  But I am probably not much different than anyone who gets married.  They don’t think about it as, “Well, what will I do when this is over?”    The thoughts are, “What will WE be like in the future?”  

I think we will be a lot like we are today.  Our dynamic may evolve, but the three of us will remain three.   And kids?  Sure, I see them at some point.  There’s always artificial insemination or good old fashion natural insemination. (laughing).   So when the time comes there will be decisions we all will have to make and I do consider it a three-way decision since it impacts all of us.

Jen:  For the readers, I think I’ve written before, Mike has been snipped, as coincidentally has John, TJ, and Matt.  The only man in our COT who isn’t sterile is Jaime (condoms and/or birth control!).  And we’ve told Kayla that we are supportive of her having a child at some point.  We don’t feel now is a good time, nor does she, but we see it happening at some point.

So Kayla, speaking of semen… you did sort of mention semen…. let’s end this with questions about sex.   What do you think about your sex life?

AND WITH THAT

I think I will end this post and will most definitely wrap up this Q&A with Kayla on the next post.   I hope you all enjoy hearing from her and understanding more about her.  I am so proud of her and so happy to be a part of her life and her a part of mine.   Maybe I got too excited and am oversharing.  But I tend to be an over-sharer. It’s my brand for this blog and you wouldn’t want me to get off-brand would you?   So you’ll just have to accept it and skim through it or skip it if it is just too much blah-blah-blah for you.

Next Post: 345. Kayla Part IV – Stories of first times

343. Kayla Interview Part II – Kayla Ours, the new addition

343

Let’s dive right back in where I left off on the prior post.

Good thing many of you are isolated with nothing to do but read stuff like this because this is a long one.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy sharing more about my dear Kayla!

Jen:  Kayla, let’s fast forward 2016 when you became a part of us.   What were your thoughts about us before the events that led us to where we are today?

– – Kayla reminded me of a post she did on this blog.  I had forgotten.  Instead of repeating things, it turns out the answer to this question is covered in that post.  Check it out herePost 182.  Hello, my name is Kala. —

Jen:  Things moved pretty fast with us.  According to things I blogged about, it was October 2016 when I first told you about the “new” lifestyle we adopted.   About a month later, we were making plans for you to move in, which you did right after Christmas.
You went from the babysitter to a submissive in a triad with a married couple in a months time.

Kayla:  A month? That would be ridiculous, like, I was some kind of desperate and needy whore.  It was clearly six weeks!   Yeah, kinda fast.  A lot of thinking can get done in six weeks.  It really isn’t that fast.  And hey, I thought of myself as being more than just the babysitter.

Jen:  I didn’t say “just” the babysitter.  But sorry, you are right, you were much more than that.  It makes for a better narrative for my kinky readers.  But still, that was fast, wasn’t it?

Kayla:  I get it.  I know both of you thought fondly of me and I was always welcomed as part of the family, not just the babysitter.   I believe everything was just perfect timing for where I was in life, what I was needing and hoping for, and what you all were able to provide me.  I so much wanted to be a part of the two of you, beyond just a young family friend.  I had zero reservations.  Did you?

Jen:  Hey, I am the interviewer here.  I think I blogged plenty about some of the things I went through at that time.  (There’s probably about ten different posts about this beginning from Post 79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealousy, Guilt to about Post 101 Compersion with a side of Submission and Spanking.  Probably more after that as well).

– You can read those if you want the answer to Kayla’s question. Let’s move on. –

Jen:  Speaking of a good narrative for my kinky readers, you told us before your first orgasm was to thoughts of Mike.  Please elaborate.

Kayla:   Yes, pretty sure my first real masturbation and orgasm were to thoughts of Mike.  It wasn’t thoughts of sex with him, at least not at first.   Him just hugging me, which he did in real life, as well as thoughts of him just caressing my arm, which he did NOT do in real life.  Yes, the thoughts of a sexy man caressing my arm was enough to make young Kayla all warm and tingly inside. (laughing)

Jen:  In other words, no different than what it takes to make you that way today?  (more laughing).

Kayla:  I go way beyond warm and tingly today, but yeppers, it doesn’t take much, even today.   But those pubescent fantasies in my head eventually evolved beyond him caressing my arm.  At some point I imagined him disciplining me – as in spanking me.  Not at all in a kink way but like a real disciplining from someone who might spank their kids.  After running those thoughts through my head, well, I’d get all the tingles down there.  At first,my mind would shift to just focusing on the tingles and not thinking about Mike or about being spanked.  But that eventually changed.

Jen:  Why do you think that fantasy appealed to you?

Kayla:  I don’t know.  It’s hard to explain why something makes you feel a certain way, especially at that age when you can’t even comprehend what may be behind certain feelings.  But if I were to guess, I think I wanted his attention and for him to care enough about me to want to help me.  A fantasy of him being stern with me and spanking me was how those feelings were manifested. 

Jen:  At that time, did you ever think about what those fantasies might mean?

Kayla: Don’t forget, I was like 11 or 12 when those thoughts started creeping into my fantasies.   And a twelve-year-old isn’t going to self analyze.  Heck, most adults don’t even do that.  People aren’t like you, Jen, striving to get to the bottom of every feeling.   Most people are too afraid of what they’ll find.   But at that age, it wasn’t about fear or anything.  You just sort of feel how you feel and are confused by it.  At that age I lacked the ability to try and reconcile that confusion.  It’s called puberty!

I really didn’t understand sex or have a desire for it.  I would vacillate between being scared by those fantasies and being turned on by them.  I didn’t have thoughts of penis-in-vagina sex or penis-in-anything sex.  I recall that following my spanking fantasies, my earliest thoughts regarding anything remotely related to actual penetration sex was having fantasies of him knowing I touched myself.  I can’t remember the actual details of the fantasy, but it was basically like in my mind I would tell him that I do it and he would spank me for it.  Kind of messed up.  Part pleasure, part guilt, part older man fantasy.  And I didn’t even know the term at the time, but in hindsight, part submission fantasy. 

I also remember thinking how mortified and embarrassed I would be if I actually told him I touched myself.  But I also distinctly remember being turned on by the thoughts of being so mortified and embarrassed.  In your words, I guess I was pre-wired to be turned on by making myself vulnerable.  But I never fantasized about actual PIV or even oral sex with him.

Jen:  I think having mixed feelings of guilt and pleasure regarding sex is normal at that age.  It can be so confusing.   Even for adults who attach a lot of guilt to sex.  Did you feel guilty about those fantasies?

Kayla:   No.  I never associated those feelings with guilt or of them being naughty.  Maybe it goes back to my mom’s reaction when she walked in on me after a bath as I was rubbing myself rather aggressively with a towel.  She set the tone that it wasn’t a big deal, but something that was personal and private.  I do remember feeling a bit scared about my fantasies, like, “What does this mean?”  “Am I normal?”  “Is this weird?”   But I think every kid goes through that when it comes to everything, let alone something dealing with sexual desires. 

Jen:  As you said, a lot of adults still deal with those questions, especially when it comes to kink.   Do you remember your first orgasm?  You’ve said it was about those thoughts with Mike.

Kayla: I like to think my first was over thoughts of him, but honestly I am not 100% sure.  I think I had some mini-orgasms before I had the first big “O” regarding my fantasies about Mike.  I  just didn’t recognize them as orgasms until I had a really intense one.   Are we supposed to be talking about this?  I was like 11.  Mike had to be what, in his late 30’s?

Jen:  It’s your fantasies we are talking about, so spill the beans here.  What was going on regarding those mini-orgasms.”  Set the scene!  My readers like filth.  And the details of this will be news to me and well, I like filth too!

Kayla:  Okay.  My first sexual experiences may not qualify as sexual experiences.  I mean, can you have a sexual experience without knowing what sex is?  Is sex defined by the area of your body that is being aroused or is it defined by intent?   Don’t you have some committee that determines these things?

Jen:  Hum… I’d have to check with the kink authorities on that.  But continue.

Kayla:  Ew.  I don’t like to think of it as sex and I definitely don’t like to think of it as kink.  My earliest memories of anything we would call remotely sexual was when I was like eight-years-old for god’s sake!

Jen:  Okay, okay.  I’ll rephrase.  What was your first experience where today, you recognize it as something that felt good in a way that today you would equate to a sexual feeling?   Better?

Kayla:   Uh, that’s not much better, because there is nothing at eight years old that felt like what sex feels like today.  But I will quit arguing the point and answer your question.  I vividly remember it because it is actually one of the few mother/daughter memories I have where her actions may have had a positive influence on me.   It was the incident with the towel that I mentioned a few questions ago.

I remember drying myself off with a towel and liking the feeling when I dried between my legs.  I probably was even younger than eight but it was never more than just a passing thought of, “Oh, that felt pretty good” and I’d move on to dry the rest of my body.   But at some point, maybe when I was eight, definitely no more than nine, instead of just a quick wipe with the towel and fleeting thought of, “that was nice,” I decided, “Hum, I should give that another wipe.”   A few baths later and it became many wipes and eventually full on rubs.   Over time I spent more and more time drying between my legs than I did the time before.  Eventually, I would put the towel between my legs with one hand in front of me and one behind and sort of ride the towel like a horse.  A horse that moved rapidly back and forth under me, haha.  It became a bath-time ritual.

I didn’t equate what I was doing to anything sexual.  It just felt good, really good.  It’s like, you know how the warm sun can feel good on your face when you walk outside?  That’s not a sexual feeling, it’s just a good feeling.   It was like that, except it wasn’t my face that got warm.  Ew, did I just say that?   Anyway, I had no clue what sex was and didn’t equate it to anything other than just a good feeling.   And when I did it, I would just reach some point where I was like, “Okay, I’ll stop now.” Time to finish drying or getting ready for bed or whatever.  Never another thought about it.   

Then one day my mom walked in on me, humping away at this towel that was buzzing back and forth between my legs. 

Jen:  How did I never hear this story before?

Kayla:   It’s to your credit that you never asked me about my sexual experiences in second grade!  What kind of perv would that make you!    (laughing)   But for real, I thought I told you about this.  I guess not.

Jen: So how did your mom react and how did you react?

Kayla:  I was cool.  I was like, “Oh, hi mom.”  I didn’t even know enough to think what I was doing was a big deal.  I don’t think I even stopped.  Maybe I slowed down a bit.   And the fact I don’t clearly remember much about her reaction sums up her reaction.  She didn’t have much of one.  She just calmly said, “If you’re going to play between your legs its best done in private, so lock the door when you do that.”

And two things stuck with me.  For a long time, I thought “play between your legs” was an actual phrase meaning to rub or touch yourself down there.  And in my mind, it was just play.  I didn’t know it could be sexual, because I didn’t even know that term.  More importantly, my mom’s reaction was such that it did not equate what I was doing with something should evoke shame or embarrassment.

But I guess as a kid you still sort of pick up on certain things.  While I felt it was normal enough to keep doing it and not feel guilty about it, I not only now knew from my mom that it was supposed to be a private thing that I did behind locked doors, but somehow I also knew it wasn’t something you talked about.  Fortunately, I didn’t go around to my friends and ask them if they also played between their legs.  I was already a bit of the weird kid anyway.  That would have been disastrous.

Jen:  So did you do it more often after that?

Kayla:  Eew, no.  I am telling you, it wasn’t a sex thing!  It was just a way to feel extra good after a bath.

Jen:  But you certainly didn’t stop doing it?

Kayla:  Hell no. 

Jen:  So let’s switch gears.  You said you were a weird kid.  In what way?

Kayla:  There’s the 10-year old Kayla answer and the current Kayla answer.  Which perspective do you want?

Jen:  Too much to ask for both?  Let’s start with kid-Kayla.

Kayla:  Kid Kayla thought everyone else was weird.  Well, I mean, I knew I was the oddball, but I felt I was odd because my supposed cohorts were weird.  I didn’t like kids my age.  I think it goes back to me wanting to be as small as possible so as not to upset my parents.  Be that perfect kid, be mature, be thoughtful.   Not that 14-year-olds are any of those things, but at age 10 I modeled myself after what I thought a 14-year-old should be.  I befriended older kids and they seemed to accept me.  Probably because in my mind they were the “better” kids in terms of the “right way” to be.  I admired them, looked up to them, emulated them.   That made it easy for me to be their friend because they liked how I treated them.  

As I got older, my friends always stayed older.  As a freshman in high school, my friends were seniors.  And the following year when many of them went off to college, their new college friends became my friends and so when I was 16 I had friends who were 20 to 23.

Jen:  Okay, what does the current Kayla think about why Kid Kayla was like that?

Kayla:  Honestly, it wasn’t until the last year or so I’ve figured that out, thanks in large part to you.  It was a self-esteem thing.  I was never truthful with my feelings as a kid.  The truth was too frightening.  A mom who cared more about drinking than about me.  More about making our lives miserable than about me.  A dad who may have tried his best, but couldn’t compensate for all that was missing for me.  I was fortunate that the way I reconciled this turned out to be somewhat productive.  Instead of acting out and being a wild child, I worked harder to be what I thought was the best child. 

At that moment I felt like I had high self-esteem.  I just “knew” I was a good kid, even though it wasn’t enough to bring about change in my mom.  But I know now that our self-esteem depends on how truthful we are with ourselves.  Because I was avoiding my true feelings and pretending that what I was doing was actually making a difference.  Not just pretending my actions helped my parents, but pretending my actions were helping me.  I was pretending I wasn’t being emotionally neglected.  And all the things I was doing to cope with that was not really addressing that.  When we aren’t truthful with ourselves, our self-esteem goes down.

I now know that is what led me to turn to alcohol as well.  You could say it was genetics, and maybe that played a part, but for me, I think it was the environment.  I didn’t feel good about myself because I didn’t know myself, I never faced my emotions.  As I felt those emotions coming to the surface I had to work harder to drive them down, and drinking helped do that for me.   Fortunately, I had you all to stop that from ever reaching a critical point.   

And that is why, as a child, I loved being around you guys.  I felt loved, I felt respected, I felt valued.  Not just from the two of you but from all three of the kids.  It was such a warm and nurturing environment.

Jen:  Thank you for saying that.  At the time, we knew things weren’t good for you on the home front.  We didn’t know all the details, but knew we were your respite.  And it wasn’t like you were just a charity case.  We truly loved having you around.  You were so good with J and T1 and T2 enjoyed your company.

Let’s fast forward to the day I shared with you that me and Mike adopted Domestic Discipline.   It really seemed to connect and resonate with you.  Things happened so fast from that day forward.  Why was that?

Kayla:  Well, first, maybe it helps to understand I already knew I was bisexual.  I had been with other girls, and at the time was living with a friend of mine and her husband and we would have threesomes.   While I was basically a “friend with benefits” to them, I found I liked the idea of being part of three.  I don’t know why.  Two friends are just better than one, right?  And then, of course, there’s the sex.   But it was more than that.  I just really liked being part of three.  However, I was not really that close to them.  I was definitely not in love with them.   Deeply in-like?  Is that a thing?

Jen:  It is now

Kayla:  So I was already predisposed to love the idea of being in a thruple.  Then you add in the fact that by far the two of you are my favorite couple.  Like, “favorite” didn’t even come close to describing it.  I idolized your relationship.  So the thought of being any part of it as an adult, not just a babysitter or kid?  Count me in!

And I was feeling a lack of control at the time.  I wanted to still be the perfect daughter but was drinking more and more myself, and I would feel guilty about that.  It was this loop of working hard to be perfect to cover up my feelings of being neglected, drinking to cope with my true feelings, feeling guilty about drinking, thus, once sober, working even harder to cover up my feelings.  And the loops got bigger and bigger.  I wanted off that roller coaster.  

And I was just getting ready to finish up my undergrad and was facing a decision to get a job, go to grad school, or move back home.  I didn’t feel prepared to make that decision, mainly because of my drinking.  I was feeling very anxious about that.  Everything about the two of you just felt right.  It felt safe, it felt sane.  I was attracted to the two of you, you to me, and it all just felt so right.  I really was in awe and so excited.

Jen:  Beyond the more meaningful relationship with us, what were your thoughts about DD?

Kayla:  It also resonated with me.   Perhaps because of my earlier fantasies, but also because I had always been so self-disciplined for all the wrong reasons, I loved the idea of striving to be self-disciplined as a way to serve someone else.  It’s like I had this power of self-discipline and could finally use it for good, and in return, focus that discipline on what is truly good for me.  I just knew the two of you had my best interests at heart. 

Jen:  Thank you.  We did, and we still do.

There’s so much more we could cover.  And I received a few emails with questions specifically for Kayla.  Some were practical things like how finances work, others about where she sees herself in 5 years, 10 years and beyond.   And then a few sex-related questions.   So — we will just have to do a Part III!

WONDERFUL NEWS
And the answer to some of those questions are revealed in some wonderful news that Kayla shared with us.  Should I wait for Part III to share it here?

Yes, I should. 

 

But, I won’t.

There will soon be a new addition to our family!

How long should I let that sentence linger?

A little longer?

Longer still?

Okay, long enough.

No, it’s not what you think.  Hum.  I really should save this for another post.

 

Okay, okay.  I will say it here.

The new addition isn’t really new, just new in name.

Kayla asked us, and we agreed, if she could legally change her last name to ours. 

Her name will soon officially be, Kayla Ours!   

Just kidding.  You know what I mean.  Her last name will be our last name.   It was something she thought of and very much wanted.  I will elaborate more on that in the next post.

What, you thought maybe the news was something different?

Next: 344. Kayla Interview Part III

342. Kayla Interview – Part I

342
Although I haven’t been posting much, I feel a renewed energy to do so.   It’s just that, well, things have been a little strange lately.  Do you sort of feel it too?  Can’t quite put my finger on what it is.   Just a different vibe in the world.   It’s probably just me.  

Mike and Kayla are both working from home.  Nothing new for Mike as he often worked from home.  His business pretty much runs as a virtual office.  Also, we’ve been fortunate that his business hasn’t slowed (yet).  For Kayla, the whole work from home is new for her company, but as I think many people are learning, there was no reason not to have previously allowed it.  She can do almost her entire job virtually.

Anyway, it’s different having them both home, although we don’t always stay at our house.  We are isolating within the family, limiting it to just the three of us and T1’s farm.  That means E, J, and by extension, interaction with E’s cousin’s next door to them.  That’s a group of 11 individuals.  A bit large but no different than a large family would have, and we all have become that – one large family.   In addition to the three of us spending more time at the farm, I’ve been going out to there a lot more just by myself, leaving Mike and Kayla at home for days on end.

I want to get you all caught up on my menagerie of relationships.   At some point, I want to share our Immersion 2020 experience.   And I wanted to at least acknowledge a very big anniversary for me — March 17 marked 5 years since we formally adopted a Domestic Discipline lifestyle. That is certainly worthy of a classic Jenny esoteric ramble!  But that will have to wait for another post.

Until then – I’ll catch you up with the latest from Kayla including some VERY BIG NEWS.  Suffice to say, we’ve come a long way since Meet the Baby Sitter.

KAYLA UPDATE
Kayla is now 25.  In October we celebrated a
one-year commitment anniversary with her after she moved in with us at the end of 2016.  It’s been an amazing three years  (and three months) and the three of us are closer than I could have ever imagined.  It feels like she’s always been a part of us.  Incorporating her into our marriage and lives happened quickly and, by and large, very smoothly.

I shared that she started a full-time job last fall after completing her Master’s degree.  It was an adjustment as it was her first real job.  40 hour work weeks (sometimes more) can be quite the adjustment for anyone.  And for Kayla, who gets so much satisfaction from serving Mike, it meant adjusting to significant time away from that service.   She had to get creative to find ways to serve him while at work.

Some things that helped her with that transition include

  • Love letters:   Sometimes from me, sometimes from Mike, sometimes from both of us.  Just a little letter that we put in an envelope that she opens on her lunch break.  It gives her something to look forward to and feel connected and thought of. . . and sometimes they are more lust-letters than love letters!   She sometimes leave us letters of her own.  Sure we could text, but letters are better!
  • Sexy Selfies:   Simple and effective, both to her and from her!  She loves to send pics of herself flashing a boob or her butt. Normally from the bathroom, but sometimes a conference room.  Hopefully they don’t have cameras!   We don’t want her to get fired.
  • Masturbation on command.  Mike may text her at any time and require she masturbate via Face Time.  She’s had to learn to quietly orgasm in the bathroom stall!  Mike does allow her to stay no if she has a meeting or working against a deadline.  Career over kink!

Jen:   Kayla, how do you explain your relationship status to people at work?

Kayla:  I’m married.  That’s where I start and usually, that’s where it ends.   Some end up asking, “What does your husband do?”  And the more “with it” coworkers keep it gender neutral and say, “What do THEY do?”  I will say, what he does, but then  I might add, “and my wife does x.”   That usually takes the conversation from casual small talk to one of significant intrigue on their part. 

I am open and honest.  I look to answer any question accurately, but only with enough information to satisfy the question.  It’s our policy!

(She’s referring to the policy we follow regarding “Tell if asked.”  The caveat is to only “tell” as much as needed to appropriately answer their question, which sometimes is a fine line such as her throwing in….”and my wife does x.”)

Jen:  I imagine it didn’t take long for the whole office to know.

Kayla:  Nope!  And I have a few pictures of us on my desk, so there’s that too.  Of course, I get a few, “Is that your parents?” comments, to which I answer, “No, it’s my partners.”

Jen: So do you describe us as your husband and wife or as partners?

Kayla:  It depends.  While legally I am not your wife, I believe the term husband or wife best describes the relationship, but sometimes “partners” is less shocking to the other person and they don’t seem to ask me as many questions.   If I am asked, “are you married” it is easier to just say “Yes” as that often ends the questioning.  If I said, “No, not legally, but…” well, then I just invite too many questions.  I am not opposed to answering questions, but sometimes the situation doesn’t warrant inviting the questions.  Typically the setting is just office small talk and thus not conducive to a longer conversation.  If it’s over lunch or something like that, I might respond in ways that invite more questions.

Jen:   Mike would be happy as that is our rule.  So, do you read my blog?

Kayla:  I have, here and there, but, I live those things with you and the things you blog you often talk about, so it’s like stuff I already know.  I sometimes like to just read the comments or the stuff that is about me.  Is that bad?

Jen:  Hum… if I say yes should you be spanked?  (laughing).   Of course not.  I haven’t provided a lot of background about you as I’ve always felt it is not my story to tell.  Well, now you can tell it.   I think… make that, I KNOW readers like the sizzle so give me a summary of what you see as your sexual evolution.

Kayla:  Sexual evolution?  That sounds so comprehensive.  How about I start first with some non-sexual stuff about my childhood?

Jen:  Sure, take it away.

Kayla:  My mom was emotionally absent and an alcoholic.  She was a closet alcoholic most of my early years but I always knew something was off.  As I got older she would be drunk more often.  She wasn’t an abusive drunk – more a nonsensical one and a depressed “woe-is-me, look what I’ve done with my life” one.   It always made me feel helpless since there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  I guess the one thing I was able to do was to try and be the perfect daughter.   I got excellent grades, stayed out of trouble, stayed pretty quiet and didn’t ask for much, which is good, because she had nothing to give emotionally.

Dad, on the other hand, was “normal,” whatever normal is.  He worked a lot which meant he wasn’t around, and I always longed for him to come home.  I felt excited when he would come through the door.  Like, “Yea! It’s time for normal!”   And he always tried to spend time with me.  If mom was particularly checked out, he would take me out for dinner.  Saturdays were “father-daughter” days.   We would always go do something that took all day.  Movies, zoo, museum, shopping, theme park, whatever.  He also tended to spoil me, giving me the material things I wanted.  Once I moved out he helped financially and every time I would see him he would give me whatever he had in his wallet.  I think he felt guilty.  A little about the fact he couldn’t do even more with me because of work, but mostly because he knew my mom couldn’t and didn’t contribute much to my well being.

Jen:  They eventually divorced.  How did that impact you?

Kayla:  Eee, yeah.  It did impact me, that’s for sure.  I was 15 and 16.   It was a mixed bag of emotions.  I think the uncertainty was the hardest part, but the actual news was a relief.  I saw it through my dad’s eyes as something he deserved to get out of.  But still, there was some anger as well, directed mostly at my mom since she was the root cause of it.  But even some anger at my dad, like, why couldn’t he have fixed her or even thinking why didn’t he just leave sooner.  Of course I know now that it wasn’t right to think that way, but that’s how I felt and thought at the time.  I also remember thinking maybe it would change my mom for the better.  That was wishful thinking.  She just doubled down on her drinking and depression.

Jen:  How did that make you feel?

Kayla:  I don’t remember ever feeling sorry for her. I reserved that feeling for my dad.  But in hindsight, I understand her choices better now.  They were still the wrong choices and she was weak for having behaved as she did.  But I now see her through the lens of her being a person, not a mom, if that makes sense.  I mean, as a kid, your parents are people you think have some special powers given to parents.  Like,  they are supposed to be endowed with special insights and knowledge about parenting.  As a kid you don’t realize they are just people, with their shortcomings as well as their own strengths.  The thought that they actually lack anything that qualifies them for parenting other than they were able to make a baby is too scary for a child to ever consider. 

Jen: So that’s now.  But what about then.  How did you deal with the various emotions you went through?

Kayla:  While most kids probably end up acting out like, I did what I normally did as a kid.  I doubled down on my goody-two-shoes persona.  I remember thinking, “If I can just make myself as small as possible, my problems will be smaller.”    I studied even harder, did more things around the house for both my mom and my dad, I didn’t complain, didn’t speak unless spoken to..  Let them complain to me.   That’s really where you and Mike come in.

Jen: How so?

Kayla:  I had been babysitting for you all for three or four years at that point, and you all always let me hang around.  I never had to be small around your family.   You, Mike, T1, T2, and J…everyone was so fun to be around.  It was my personal getaway and my chance to be big, not small.   Ha.  The irony just dawned on me.   Now I like to play “little,” yet you and Mike were the ones that gave me the confidence to be “big,” to be heard, to want to engage people around me.  Of course, it’s a different type of little and big, but still, that’s funny to me.

Jen:  Kink humor!   Before we get into our kinds and our relationship, how’s your relationship with your parents now?

Kayla:  Mom is about six years sober now, recently got a boyfriend, and I feel like I am getting to know her for the first time.  It’s strange and awkward at times, but she’s apologized and seems to be a good place emotionally and mentally.   I try to at least call her once a month and stop by maybe once a month or every other month.  We text more frequently lately.    

Dad is dad.  He checks in with me if I haven’t checked in with him recently.  You know I make it a point to see him, probably a week doesn’t go by where I don’t see him.  We have him over here now and then which I really like.

Jen:  That’s a good segue into our relationship.  How did your parents handle that?

Kayla:  As much as you say kids don’t want to know about their parent’s kink, it’s also true that parents don’t want to know about their kid’s kink.  They basically both knew I was bisexual.  I mean, I had never announced it in some declaration.  But I never hid it either.  And before moving in with you I was living with a friend and her husband in sort of a poly-light type relationship.   As you know, in that relationship I was more of a third wheel that was a friend with benefits. It wasn’t really a deep and meaningful relationship.

But no surprise, they were a bit shocked and concerned when I told them I was doing more than just living at your house.  They had initially just thought of it as the two of you just helping me out.  I let them think that for a while.  It was just easier, and I didn’t know where things would really go in our relationship.   But I eventually told them, very straightforward.  “I am in a relationship with Mike and Jen.”   

Because they knew you and already had positive thoughts about you, they didn’t seem to focus on thoughts of perhaps you all were taking advantage of me.   There was a little bit of that, but not much.  It was mostly, “Are you sure?”  “Why would you want that?”  “What’s in it for you?”   “Be careful.”   They both were more focused on me and my decision, which I expected.   My parents were never much about getting mad at others or blaming others.

The one behavior they both modeled for me was personal responsibility.  This may sound odd from an alcoholic mom, but even in her drunken stupors or non-drunk depressive moods, she never railed against the world.   She always blamed herself for her situation.  I guess in some weird ways that had a positive impact on me.   And dad, of course, was always big on personal responsibility.   If I could show him I gave a decision its’ proper consideration, he always supported me.

Jen:   It’s time to throw a bone to my readers, or a boner to the male readers, and use this to segue to more kinky stuff.

UNFORTUNATELY, this post is already pretty epic.  Some I am going to end it here and do a Part II with Kayla, including some pretty amazing and meaningful news that she announced.

NEXT 343:  Kayla Part II.  Kayla Ours – A New Addition

 

341. Dealing with Covid 19. Anxiety, Control, Donating, Talking, . . . and Blanket Forts!

covid

I feel a bit like Nero playing the fiddle while Rome burned.  Of course, my fiddling involves my clit! LOL.

Seriously though, with all that’s going on it seems rather self-indulgent to talk about my sexploits.  We had our annual Immersion the week of March 8.  The theme of Immersion 2020 was “Swapfest.”  Think of it as the complete opposite of  “social distancing.”  At least our “fluid exchange” was limited to just a small group of friends who all were, and are, reporting that they are completely healthy.   In hindsight, it was dumb of us to have done that, but March 8, was a different world than March 23.

I had a TTWD-related post ready to go,  but before I post that one I felt compelled to throw in my Covid-19 commentary.   So let’s put aside the kink and get serious for a moment and remind ourselves of some things we may easily forget in these times —

ANXIETY
People
who deal with anxiety, depression, cognitive impairments, or mental illness may be more severely impacted by the added stress and worry.
Even if you or a family member doesn’t have any of those issues, anxiety levels are higher for all of us, even the otherwise “normally” functioning people.  (Hey, who just said, “Jen, sorry to tell you, but YOU are NOT “normally functioning!”  I heard that.  Come on, admit it.  It was you!).

CHILDREN
Children process information differently and can be more stressed than adults, which in turn can cause added stress for the parents.   Creating a routine can reduce stress, so find a way to structure their days at home and give them something fun and exciting to look forward to.  A family game night, or movie night (pretty much endless movies available on streaming services).

Your family may be distancing from society, but don’t isolate from each other within a household.  Find things to do collectively.  

Use it as an opportunity to teach kids how to prepare a meal (or if that doesn’t excite them, make a cake or cookies).  There are all sorts of things you can do to try and keep the kids from bouncing off the walls.   Go through old photo albums or your high school yearbook with them.  Walk around the block together, google arts and crafts – it’s amazing what you can do with a toilet paper roll and some glue.  Build an awesome blanket fort with them, google how to make cool paper airplanes…. there’s a lot of fun things you can do to keep kids entertained beyond video games.    And finding things you can do with them will allows you an opportunity to do this thing with them called “talking” which is the very best activity you can do with them right now.   

Even if there aren’t kids at home, it might be fun to do some of these things with a spouse or an older child.  Who doesn’t love a cool blanket fort?  

CERTAINTY AND CONTROL
Everyone deals with uncertainty by trying to add a level of certainty and control to whatever they can
.   For some it may be subtle and positive – organize that closet, garage, or room that is in disarray, or simply re-arrange the furniture in your house.  For others it may not be so subtle or positive – demand those around us behave and act a certain way, become controlling, demanding.   Or it may be more innocuous – buy all the toilet paper you can get your hands on.

Another constructive thing is to sit down and review your finances – make a budget for the first time – look and see where you money has been going.  Look into any insurance you may need, assuming you feel good about your income and ability to pay for it.   We are all living the unexpected, so some people may feel better about owning insurance that deals with other unexpected things in life.

All of these are things some people may do to try and feel a sense of control in the face of uncertainty.   It’s our way of coping and saying, “you may have disrupted a significant part of my life, but I’ll be damned if I have get reduced to using an old t-shirt to wipe my butt.”  That sounds like it is a joke, but it isn’t.  Really.  Buying certain essentials, like toilet paper, has a positive psychological benefit in times of uncertainty.

What have you done to get your mind of things and that gives you some semblance of order and control? Would love to see you share that in the comments.

DONATE
Donating can give us a positive emotional lift!  Social services will be stressed in many areas.   Donate to Meals on Wheels or some other local charity that will be challenged to provide more services.  If you prefer to help animals, most Zoo’s are ran as non-profits relying on attendance to stay afloat.  Close the zoo and their primary source of revenue stops. They need donations.

Even if it is just $10, it feels good and makes you feel like you are doing something more than just organizing a closet or buying toilet paper.  

Realize that most businesses are NOT multi-billion dollar corporations.  They often have enough cash on hand that if they close their doors they might be able to make payroll once, maybe twice if they are lucky.  Then – they are done.  And that small business that supplies services or materials to larger businesses — if the small business is gone, the larger business can’t get what they need.  I am no financial prognosticator, but 4 out of 5 submissive kinky housewife’s agree that we could see 20% unemployment in the U.S.   While the government works out stimulus and bail out options, WE can all choose empathy and compassion.  It’s free, but admittedly can be in short supply.

TALK!
Another free activity!  We don’t always know what the next person or family member is dealing with or how they are dealing with it, so be extra compassionate.    Don’t add the their dread.  Throwing a pity party will only bring both of you down.  Sometimes just asking someone how they are doing can be very therapeutic.    Call friends, call family members, even those you haven’t connected with in a long time.  They may not want to talk, which is fine, but you might be surprised.  If they do talk, then just talk to them.    Just show empathy and compassion and try not to project your own worry and stress on them – because here’s a tip — they’ve got plenty already!

Don’t add to the uncertainty by saying, “I heard this happened,  I heard that is going to happen…”   Be in listen only mode.  Think of it as an  opportunity to be a calm and friendly voice.   These folks may have only talked to other concerned friends and relatives, or is getting all their news from Facecrook, er, Facebook.  You might be the only person they’ve talked to who hasn’t freaked out over the fact that, most certainly, the virus is a precursor to a bigger attack by alien demons who are controlled by the devil who has been set free because of gay marriage.

HELP MAY BE OUT THERE
People often aren’t aware of the social services that may be available in their area, so remind them they shouldn’t hesitate to reach out to local services if they or a family member needs help.   Almost every community has Meals on Wheels type programs for elderly.   There’s typically mental health crisis support and a host of other services, many of which can be accessed just by phone.  A google search is typically all it takes to find out what social services or charity services are available in a given city.   

There may be a wait lists and it’s not an end-all be-all solution, but it’s worth knowing and they can start looking into it if they are concerned about an elderly relatives access to food (or their own access).   Or, they may not have ever used Grub Hub or other food delivery service (if available in your area).   If you have, share with them how easy it was.  It can be expensive to eat that way all the time, but having occasional take-out at home can at least break up some monotony (assuming restaurants are open, and in some areas they are for take-out only).                  

So if you’ve already stocked up on toilet paper, it’s time to clean your closet. . . or build that blanket fort!  

Stay safe, and for now, suspend the kink, unless it is with someone you are isolating with.  (Hum…worldwide baby boom in December?)

Next: 342. Kayla Interview – Part I