204. Returning to Submissive Headspace

204

I mentioned in my last post that the holidays have pushed me out of my submissive mindset.  Having to focus on all the things surrounding Thanksgiving and Christmas, having to put off a lot of TTWD because of kids being home, visits to and from family, etc.   It made me realize I need to do two things.   

  1. Get back in my submissive head space
  2. Think about how I can do better the next holiday season.

WHAT IS SUBMISSIVE HEAD SPACE
Disclaimer:  Definitions are tricky as words mean different things to different people.  My definitions may not fit yours.  I am interested in people’s perspectives as to what labels or words mean to them, so if you disagree, please respectfully comment. 

It may help to differentiate Subspace from Headspace.  To me; 

  • SUBSPACE:  In a word, “intense.”
    An alternated mental state which some submissives achieve during very intense play.  It’s like a high, a dream, a dissociation with mind and body.  It involves a lot of endorphins and euphoria.
    I’ve never experienced it, nor see it as something I must experience.  I believe it is more for those that use D/s as play, and could result from a specific scene or play session.  We really don’t “play” like this in our dynamic.  Our D/s is heavily weighted towards DD versus BDSM.   
  • HEADSPACE: In a word, “connected.”
    A trusting, accepting and peaceful space where I am singularly focused and connected with Mike.  This clarity makes me feel like my submission is at its peak and gives me great joy – a bliss in service and submission.

GETTING BACK
I shared with Mike that I need help in getting back in submissive focus.  I asked Kayla if she felt that way too.  She did, but for her, the holidays didn’t “mess her up.”  She said he relationship with Michaud has.

While she loves being with Michaud, a part of her feels like every moment with him is a moment not serving Mike.  Her and Mike have talked about this and Mike reassured her that he was okay with it and he wants her to pursue relationships.  But as the three of us talked, it became clear to me that the solution isn’t Mike’s acceptance of her relationship, it is about Kayla’s need to serve Mike.  Thus, the three of us decided to tackle this “headspace” issue together.  

Whether it is the holidays, another love interest, or whatever you have going in life, I am sure every submissive has their moments where they just feel out of their submissive headspace.   Maybe you even just wake up “not feeling it” for some unknown reason.  Whatever the cause, here are some things we came up with to help us get back on track. 

  1. TALK ABOUT IT – This is a simple one but easy to overlook.
    Acknowledge it and share it.  Mike, Kayla, and I already did this, which is why we came up with this list!

  2. COMPLETE BREAK
    This is counter-intuitive.  A “time-out” from being submissive.
    I have this theory that it can be harder to go from 50% headspace to 100% than it is to from 0% to 100%.  Clearly is sounds like you have further to go in the latter equation, thus it must be harder than the former.  I say, “Not so!”   It’s about motivation and momentum.   Starting from zero you can zoom up to 50 in no time, momentum from positive vibes and feelings of accomplishment then take you to 80, 90, then back at 100
    Taking a break also gives you a clear starting line.  You take a break and the moment the break is over, it is time to get to work on your mindset.   The break forces you to give this your full attention.  Without it, you may just incrementally go about it.  
    Kayla and I are going to implement this one tomorrow with a girls day out, courtesy of Mike.  Yes, a Spa Day!!  Hair, nails, facial, massage, and some shopping.  Just the two of us, not thinking about what Mike wants or needs for the day.

  3. RITUALS
    Starting the morning after we complete #2, we add a lot more rituals, at least temporarily, to help us get back into our mindset.   

    1. Mantras: I’ve shared before that both Kayla and I have various Mantras we recite at various times.  I only started doing this with our October 2017 contract and have found them to be highly effective at focusing my mind on submission.  You can read my Mantras on Post 173.
      We added a “Greeting” Mantra.  We already have an “Entering the House Ritual” so this just codified a greeting we will use when Mike gets off work.  Still working on the words but you get the point.
    2. Declarations of Service:  Similar to a mantra, we are to thank Mike each time we do something for him.  It can be as simple as, “Thank you, Sir, for allowing me to prepare and serve your dinner.” 
    3. Kneeling:  When he is seated, we will kneel next him, quietly awaiting any command, and asking permission before we attend to anything else.  As part of this we are to “overly ask for permission.”  It may border on annoying to Mike, and he will let us know if it does, but we literally are to ask him permission for anything we do in his presence.    
    4. Collaring:  I don’t have a collar.  Kayla has a discreet one she wears all the time.  Well, make that, I “didn’t” have a collar.  Mike went to an adult store and purchased one for each of us and they are definitely not discreet.  Thick black collar with large ring pendant, much like the image I used in this post.   We will wear it at home, and Kayla is to wear it when she is at Michauds.
    5. Leaving Home Reminder:  I already have this per our latest contract, where Mike will give me short, but firm spankings anytime the two of us are leaving the house to go somewhere.  These are to remind me to focus my submissiveness while out in public.   Now, Mike will do this anytime we leave the house for any reason, with or without him.  And for Kayla, the spankings will be even longer and more firm when she is going to see Michaud.   
    6. Bathing, Dressing:  We took a page from our Immersion days, and with Kayla and I are not allowed to bathe or dress ourselves. This is also a bit counter-intuitive as it would appear Mike would therefore be serving us – but the context is not service to us, but a sense of helplessness for us.   At least we left off the assistance with eating and toileting – I’ll wipe my own ass thank you!

  4. SET REALISTIC GOAL
    It isn’t realistic to assume 100% submissive headspace 100% of the time.  Recognize the goal isn’t 24×7 bliss.  That’s unreasonable…but I know I can at least attain an everyday normal that just feels submissively-good to me.  Right now I am not there, but with these steps, I know I will be soon. 

Of course, all of these require some adjustments on weekends and when J is home from school.  And, of course, failing to perform any of these subjects us to punishments.

Mike said we will do this for a week and then he will evaluate.  Some elements of it we may continue permanently.  For example, Kayla liked the idea of a spanking before she sees Michaud.

HOW TO DO BETTER NEXT HOLIDAY SEASON?
We all agreed that, whether it is next holiday season or various things that happen throughout the year, the three of us need to communicate and be more aware of  the things that may distract us from our D/s.  It can help if we preemptively implemented some of the steps I shared above (especially lots of spa days, lol).  But more than trying to prescribe a remedy in advance, it really is about communication and determining the right steps to take based on the circumstances of that moment.   

I look forward to getting this started, especially the “day off.”   This made me wonder, does Mike ever need a break or help with getting back into a Dominant headspace? That will be for another post!

NEXT:  Post 205. In Praise of my Dominant

203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

203
This is the postscript on Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year.

THE MYSTERY
I’ll start with revealing the mystery behind Kayla’s response, then I’ll then share my reflections on my behavior. Then for you pervs out there I’ll wrap it up with the final part of the punishment I received. 

When Kayla shared her thoughts, she ended it with, “It was exactly the kind of thing we talked about.”  While it was clear to me that Kayla appreciated what Mike did, I had no idea what she was referring to.  So I asked Mike and Kayla if they were willing to share what it was they talked about that made her appreciate the impromptu “suck and fuck” as we have come to jokingly calling it.

CATCHING UP WITH KAYLA AND MICHAUD
First some background to catch you up on Kayla and Michaud. (I wrote about the beginnings of their relationship in Post 186. Kayla gets a Boyfriend).  Kayla has shared her big attraction to Michaud is his laid back, accepting style.  She feels so comfortable talking with him and they see eye to eye on so many issues.  However, she has made it clear she doesn’t think of him as potentially being “the one.”  She says she doesn’t see herself considering marrying anyone until she is at least 27, if not 30.  She wants to enjoy and explore life, unencumbered.  She has shared those sentiments with Michaud.

Kayla recently told Michaud she wants to explore a “unique” relationship with him, sort of an experiment – as if their relationship wasn’t already unique enough.  Inspired by Mike and I, Kayla told Michaud she wants them to share everything — every thought, every desire, every pet peeve, every impulse, every fantasy.   Not necessarily act on them, but share those things verbally.   Even down to a quirky thing that we do in our household (when no kids are home).  She asked Michaud to accept a “no closed doors” policy.  That is, you don’t close doors to the bathroom, whether someone is showering, using the toilet, or whatever.  Basically, there is no “personal space” as all space is shared, even when using the crapper!  

Michaud was game and they implemented this “openness” about three weeks ago. What I didn’t know is that Michaud shared some things with Kayla regarding his sexual turn on’s.  Apparently he is turned on by Kayla telling him about sexual acts she performs with us.  He likes her to tell him every detail.  Kayla said it makes for great foreplay with Michaud.

Kayla also shared her sexual fantasies with Michaud, including the one about having four guys at one time.  With that in mind, Michaud told her that he wouldn’t mind “sharing her” at the same time with Mike.  Kayla told him that this wouldn’t happen, as Mike and I already told Kayla we don’t want Michaud to be part of our dynamic or play.  Nothing against him  We just don’t want to get entrenched in a relationship she has.  We believe it is good for her to explore her relationships on her own.  In addition, our dance card is pretty full and life is good.  We don’t want to complicate things.

MYSTERY UNVEILED
I was generally aware of Kayla’s “openness” experiment with Michaud, but I wasn’t aware of Michaud’s turn on regarding Kayla sharing her sexual experiences or his thoughts on sharing her with Mike.  Kayla didn’t purposely keep this information from me.  There just wasn’t an opportunity for her to bring it up to me and she isn’t compelled to tell me such details.

She told Mike about it during one of her Maintenance Sessions.  When she did that, Mike suggested that they do something specifically for Michaud’s benefit.  That way, not only would she have a juicy sexcapade to share with him, but she can let him know that Mike arranged it with him in mind.  Kayla loved the idea.  Mike simply told her that he would think about the details and let her know.   Well, apparently he thought about them and thus the now infamous “suck and fuck.”

DOUBTING MIKE’S INTENTIONS
Clearly, Mike’s action had Kayla’s support and endorsement, at least in general, if not specifically.   I felt so foolish for reacting as I did and doubting Mike’s intentions.  This is not the first time my doubts have got me into trouble.  I thought I was past having these moments of doubt.  At a minimum, I thought I was at least past ACTING on any doubts without first calmly and respectfully clarifying the situation.   Clearly I am not.

I think it was a combination of factors that led me to have that doubt. 

  • It caught me by surprise.  Kayla was practically heading out the door when Mike stopped her for the blow job.  
  • Kayla’s reaction didn’t seem joyful to me.  I now realize that I was reading too much into it.  Sure she didn’t jump for joy, but she often has a resolute look about her.  In hindsight I can see that her reaction was simply that of a compliant submissive.   
  • I have a “mama bear” instinct about Kayla, and if I think she is unhappy or being mistreated, I react, often without additional thought. 
  • Instead of assuming loving intentions, in an instant I created this false narrative in my mind.  I assumed Mike was just being a stupid alpha-male, flaunting his power and authority over Kayla as a “take that” to Michaud by in effect telling him all he can have is “sloppy seconds.”   Not only does such behavior repulse me, but using Kayla in that way also triggered “mama bear” to come out. 
  • I wasn’t in a particularly deep submissive mindset.  The holidays messed with our D/s routine.  I couldn’t even do simple things like being naked around the house.  Since before Thanksgiving a lot of my energy and focus was on holiday activities and not on submission.  Not that that is wrong, as such focus is good for my kids and the family overall.  But still, it softened my submissive mindset, leaving me vulnerable to mistakes. 

Whatever the reason(s), I am more committed than ever to stay diligent and not repeat this.  Ideally I wish I never have such thoughts again, but realistically, it is not about never having those thoughts.  It is about recognizing when I have them and controlling my reaction so that it is loving, purposeful, and effective in facilitating a healthy and respectful conversation.  I know I can do that!

This issue is a big one for me as it is not something that just arose with our DD.  I have always had this problem.  Pre-DD it was a common occurrence — jumping to conclusions, feeling attacked or feeling Mike had ill intentions.  I credit Domestic Discipline with helping me towards eradicating this terrible habit.

As Mike often reminds me, “Progress, not perfection!”   

FINAL PUNISHMENT – CLOSING CEREMONY
I shared with you that my punishment was not complete.  Mike gave me until the next day to write my 100 lines, which I completed.  As in keeping with our “lines rules,” I am spanked for mistakes or sloppy lines – two spankings for each error.  Mike “grades’ me very strictly.  He counts it as a mistake if words don’t line up very closely underneath the matching word in the row above.

I was thankful to have the entire day to work on the lines, thus I didn’t have to do them in one sitting.  This was a first, but was necessary because the family interruptions that occurred throughout the day.  Thus I didn’t become as fatigued in my writing and the result was Mike only found three errors, thus six spankings.

Because our middle child hung around the house most of the day, we had to arrange to go over to John and Donna’s for me to be spanked.  They are accustomed to us using their house as a get-away when a spanking is needed.  When we use their house the spankings are always done in one of their bedrooms.  We don’t let them watch.  These are solemn occasions.  I am not allowed to make eye contact or speak with John or Donna until after our Closing Ceremony.  Mike simply asks them, “Can we use your room for moment.”  They know what that means.  Once the punishment is over, we then “turn off” punishment mode and act as if we are on a social visit.

Mike brought a small paddle with him.  Thankfully Mississippi is too big to smuggle out of the house discreetly!  I couldn’t have taken any more with that beast.  As is our protocol I immediately get undressed when I enter their house.  My bottom was very bruised from the night before and I know they saw it as I walked past them towards a bedroom.  I am sure they were like, “Wow, what did she do!?”

Once in the room Mike had me lay across his knee.  He even commented how bruised my ass was, “Wow, I’ve never seen it this bad.  I have a feeling these six are going to hurt.”
He then proceeded to lecture me as he rubbed my bruised and sore butt.  I thought I was over the extreme emotions of the events but I started to cry, even before he spanked me.
He then spanked me.  I let out a shrill on number three and dramatically increased the volume on numbers four,  five and six.   I know John and Donna could hear me. 

We then had our Closing Ceremony.  It felt so good to completely put this behind me.  Mike told me to go wash my face and get my clothes on.   He said I could take a few minutes and he left the room to go talk to John and Donna.  I composed myself, got dressed, stopped off at the bathroom to wash my face, and emerged as if nothing happened.  We talked about what each of us did to ring in the New Year (the family and festivities stuff, not the “suck and fuck” or punishment).  Then we returned home.  All is forgiven.   

I love my Domestic Discipline!

Oh, almost forgot  – I asked Kayla, “So, what did you tell Michaud and how did he react? Did he actually get turned on by it?”   That’s for another post!

 

202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

202

There are several things I want to write about.  I want to “unpack” some emotions and reflections on my misbehavior per my prior post.  I also want to talk about Kayla and what she was referring to in the statement she made (also from my prior post).   So, with that, I think I’ll start with something else completely. HA HA!

QUARTERLY GOAL
Our new DD Contract provides for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me.  “Such goals are to be focused on Jennifer’s self improvement…”   As I shared, Mike’s first goal for me was to lose 18 pounds by January 18.  The Quarterly Goal falls under the Respect Mike as Head of Household subsection of our Obedience clause.  Missing the goal would result in a punishment since it would be disobedient of me to fail.

18.3 pounds to be exact.  I started at 153.3 pounds, goal is 135. I am 136.8

I am confident I’ll make it.  The pounds have come off more slowly lately but 1.8 pounds in two weeks is doable.   Mike is going to weigh me three times on the 18th (morning, afternoon, and evening) and take an average.  Oh, in case you are wondering, I am 5’6″.  By the way, I weighed between 160-165 for most of my 40’s.  I slowly lost weight about the time our DD started in 2015.  I wasn’t dieting or focusing on it.  It was the byproduct of simply taking better care of myself and being more active.

I feel great and found it easier to lose than I anticipated.  I think my submissive mindset helped.  It also helped that Mike held me to an exercise regimen else I could be punished – I always kept to my exercise schedule.  Also, Mike made me ask him for permission if I wanted a treat — an occasional cookie or whatever.  I never had to ask because I never wanted such treats.  

HOLD ON, DID YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND MADE YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
I feel compelled to share my thoughts on Mike’s choice of weight loss as my first goal.  If you think the topic of being a submissive wife isn’t incendiary enough, throw in a husband’s demands about their wife’s appearance and you have a very incendiary topic.  It reeks of self-serving misogyny,  a furthering of the chauvinistic patriarchy.   It serves to objectify women which deepens the blame women get for the lustful and licentious urges of men.  It promotes women as vixens, as sirens, as monsters.

Or not.   Yeah, I guess it could be all those things, or could just be that Mike has a preference regarding my appearance and I am happy to oblige. 

My submission is about Mike’s preferences; mundane preferences regarding the household or bigger topics like sex, my behavior, or even about my personal appearance and weight.   I’ve loved the new “dress code” and I love the thinner me.  And it’s not like I am thin.  I am a good weight, not thin, not to fat.

If Mike were to ask me to lose more I would consider it, but could “veto.”  We agreed that I can use a safe word on any Quarterly Goal if I felt I could not handle it or it became too burdensome to continue.  As for the next Quarterly Goal, well, Mike hasn’t said what he has in mind.

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE?
If you recall, Mike committed to losing 12 himself.  He didn’t have to but said he wanted to provide a “supportive” environment.  Well, he is falling short.  He has lost eight and I don’t see four coming off in the next two weeks.  Obviously there is no consequences for him other than I win bragging rights.   Now is that fair?   

FAIRNESS IN D/s
I first wrote about the concept of fairness in D/s in Post 136. Submitted Wife.  I’ll try not to repeat myself.

Is it fair that Mike does not have to suffer consequences for not meeting his weight commitment?   In fact, is it fair that he doesn’t have consequences for any of his mistakes or negative behavior?  Why should I get spanked while he gets off without even a slap on the wrist?   D/s seems inherently unfair.

I imagine this idea of “unfairness” is hard for some new submisssives to accept.  To those who see it as unfiar I say that D/s is very fair.  Any idea of unfairness, while understandable, is framed in a distorted view of what “fair” means.       

I believe those who see it as unfair are confusing Fairness with Sameness.  Yes, roles and responsibilities are not the same in D/s, but that doesn’t make them inherently unfair.  I have taken on a unique role in our household, and Mike also has a unique role.  They are not the same, they require different types of commitments, thus must be judged by different criteria.  They both have consequences, but those consequences are different.

It has happened many times where I have been punished for a behavior that Mike has been guilty of too.  That is not the point.  His behavior is not in question with the roles and responsibilities we have established.   His behavior is not relevant to my Duties and Obligations – Duties and Obligations that I helped create and that I committed to.  It is no different from if some other woman behaved contrary to my rules.  So what!?!!?  It is not relevant to my performance of my Duties and Obligations.

Mike has said that punishing me for behaviors he is guilty of actually has an impact on him.  He does reflect on it and it gives him resolve to not repeat it.  But that is a by-product of a healthy D/s relationship.  It isn’t a stated requirement.

And consider that Mike has his own set of duties and obligations that differ from mine.  He has to consider the impact of his decisions.  The impact on me, on Kayla, on our relationship.  It is a big responsibility.  He has to make difficult decisions, such as what occurred in the last post, knowing those decisions could anger or disappoint me or Kayla.  With power comes great responsibility.

Yes, I find it fair that Mike is subject to his own self-discipline regarding his behavior, and that I am subject to his physical discipline regarding mine.   That’s how D/s works.  Sure, corporal punishment is the technique used to guide my behavior and reduce conflict, but that reduction in conflict gives space to love, adoration, respect, and fulfillment.  The “Discipline” in Domestic Discipline is love. Sounds fair to me.

NEXT: 203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year

2018

Holidays are a busy time.  The comings and goings of family members mean less time for TTWD.   Add to it – nothing very notable going on to write about.  Until now.

I’ve shared that since adopting Domestic Discipline almost three years ago, arguments between Mike and I are rare.   Post 44. Argument and Post 131 are the only two that come to mind.  Hummm…perhaps there are a few others.  Oh well, you get the point – rare!   

Some credit goes to my deference to Mike – more deference=less disagreement.  But the main credit is simply adopting a better communication style.  It comes down to remaining calm and respectful, thinking before you speak, and most importantly, to come from a place of inquiry – seeking to understand before being understood.  That is, make sure you get the facts on the other person’s point of view before promoting your own.  EVERYONE can do this, even outside a D/s dynamic.  Mike has always been pretty good at communicating this way, well before DD.  But for a previous control freak like me, no way.  It was not my style and without a focus on being submissive, it never would be my style.   

While it is now “my style,” I am not always perfect!   Technically this event wasn’t an argument.  I think “disagreement” is a better term as Mike never really argued his point, he simply “enforced” it.  Ha!  That’s getting ahead of the story.  Let me start from the beginning.  

NEW YEARS EVE
To ring in the new year, Mike and I and our kids were going to spend the evening at my sister’s, along with my other sis and all their kids.  The cousins all get along and would have fun with fireworks and just hanging around.

The kids were already over at my sisters and Mike and I would soon join them.  Mike and I used the opportunity to have our Sunday Maintenance Session which we had without anything noteworthy.  We were in the kitchen talking, preparing to leave in about an hour to go to my sisters. Kayla came out, dressed and ready to leave for her New Year’s night out with Michaud.  We all chit-chatted a bit when Mike, out of nowhere, told Kayla to get on her knees and give him a blow job.   Kayla had a look of surprise but didn’t hesitate to comply.

I was puzzled and while such activities were not foreign to us, it was just so unexpected, sort of mid-conversation about nothing in particular, Kayla ready to leave out the door, and then, blow job?   After a couple of minutes Mike told her to follow him to our bedroom where they then had sex.   I was perplexed and puttered around the kitchen for a while and eventually went to the bedroom to check in on them.

I walked in as they were finished and heard Mike tell her to get dressed and she could now leave to Michaud’s.  He told her not to “clean up” and to “Leave my cum inside you.”  Kayla responded with a monotone “Yes, Sir,” to which he replied, “I think that deserves more than just an acknowledgement don’t you?  What do you say to me for allowing my cum to stay inside of you?”

Kayla said, “Thank you, Sir,” in another monotone response.  She appeared very expressionless to me, no sign of anger or fear or resentment, but no sign of joy either.

OBEDIENCE FAIL
I was in full WTF mode.  I was angry.  I was not in the mindset of looking for loving intentions.  I was not seeking to understand why.  I reached my conclusions and reacted.

Kayla headed out of the bedroom – but was still within ear shot – and in a raised voice I said, “Mike, what was that about?  Why would you do that to Kayla?”

Mike immediately told me he didn’t like my tone and made it clear he didn’t “owe” me an explanation.

My tart retort was, “You may not owe me one, but you sure as hell owe her one.”  It was about that time that I could hear the front door close as Kayla left.   

Mike heard enough.  “I told you I didn’t like your tone yet you persist with the ugliness.  Drop your panties, lift your skirt, and bend over.”

I did not do so.I disagree.  I want to talk about this first.  Really, Mike, what was that about?”

Mike’s response was even more stern, “Jen, you are not in a position to disagree.  Not only are you talking disrespectfully, but you are disobeying me by not taking position for a spanking and by continuing to rudely question me .  Are you going to comply or not?”

In a defiant huff I said, “Fine, but I still disagree.” and did as he commanded. 

COMMENCE THE SPANKING
He spanked me very hard by hand, perhaps 35-40 times, and then told me.  “Now go to your room, unless you want to disagree some more.”  I restrained myself enough such that I didn’t verbally say more, but I had that disapproving scowl that said plenty.

Once in the room I disrobed and stood in the corner to wait for him, as is our normal punishment protocol.  When he came in, I immediately spoke, which is NOT in keeping with protocol. 

“Mike, I really want to understand…”

He cut me off, “Jen, I do not have to explain my treatment of Kayla.  I would have gladly shared my reasons with you had you respectfully inquired.  Since you did not, not only are you being punished, but I don’t want to reward your disobedience with an explanation of my actions.  Now, stay quiet with your nose in that corner.”  As angry as I was feeling, his stern commands actually nudged me a bit into a submissive state, albeit slightly so. (I really do thrive on his control).

He went to the closet and emerged with a paddle I affectionately call, “Mississippi.”  It is our widest paddle (as in the wide Mississippi River).  It is 4.5 inches wide and 18 inches long.  It’s not very thick – I suspect one day it may just break apart on my ass – but it sure covers a whole lot of surface area.  Is it common to have nicknames for your toys and implements?  I digress, that’ll be for another post.

ONE MISSISSIPPI, TWO MISSISSIPPI. . . 
He walked over to me in the corner and quickly spanked me three or four times very hard with the paddle.  “Now take a few steps backwards and lean forward, hands on the wall, ass out as far as you can stick it.”

Mike had me count as he spanked me and in keeping with the nickname we have for this paddle, I counted,  TWHACK, “One Mississippi,”  TWHACK,  “Two Mississippi”. . . all the way to ten.  At three my butt was already on fire, and at each one after five I let out a little shriek.  I was crying by the time I got to ten.   These were hard spankings. 

ON TO THE LECTURE
Mike lectured me.  I’ve written before that lectures are a bit new to us, something we talked about doing more of since our new Contract.  Well, he gave a me a top-notch lecture expressing his disappointment in my behavior.  As he lectured, he would pause between thoughts and spank me two or three times with the Mississippi, then proceed with his lecture.

Although my crying persisted through the lecture, I was still not in a remorseful state.  This was a new experience for me.  I’ve written before that my likelihood or degree of crying tends to correlate to the amount of shame or embarrassment I feel (Post 178. Embracing Shame).   I wasn’t feeling either of those things.  My crying was more about my frustration over the lack of control I had in getting what I wanted.  Oh, and also about the painful spanking I was getting.  I think this was the first time I just didn’t agree with why I was being punished.  After all, it was Mike’s actions that prompted this.  I was still mad and focused on wanting Mike to explain himself.

My emotions were obvious and could be seen in my continued disapproving scowl and demeanor.  I think I need to learn to fake being remorseful.  Ha!  Just kidding.  That would be disingenuous and thus dishonest. But it might save me from a sore bottom some day.  Anyway. . . 

WRITING LINES
My butt was plenty red and on fire.  Mike told me to sit down and write lines. He had me alternate lines of “I  will use a respectful tone at all times when speaking with Mike.” Then “I will promptly do ask Mike commands.”  Then “I will never express concern or complaint about Mike in front of others.”  And finally, “Mike knows what is best for Kayla’s submissive needs and desires.”

He had me bend over and prop my arms on the chair and he set me off to my writing with four or five more hard swats with Mississippi.  After I wrote each phrase one time, he had me stand and he swatted me once more, then had me sit and write each phrase one time again.  Again he told me to stand, swatted me once, and then sit and write again.  This went on.     

In addition to still being angry, his hovering over me and the interruptions for the spanking between sets made it very difficult for me to focus.  Writing lines is typically a calming and focusing exercise.  It deepens the feeling of contrition – but not this time.  I wanted him to go away and just let me write, and I keep thinking about what he did instead of focusing on my writing.  I wrote in a very exaggerated manner.  My hand dotted each “i” with a “so there” staccato.  Each ‘t’ was crossed with a “take that” slash to it. My body language was anything but submissive.

I wrote 36 lines when Mike had enough.  He took the paper from me and said none of them counted.  (When I have to write lines, Mike reviews it and I am spanked for errors or sloppiness).    

SOAPING AND SPANKINGS
Mike said he didn’t want to be late to my sisters so we needed to “wrap this up.”  He took me into the bathroom, turned on the sink, lathered up a bar of soap, and told me to open my mouth.  “This is to help remind you to think before you speak.”  He rubbed the bar on my tongue then had me bite down on it and hold it in my mouth.

Mike said sternly, “The lingering taste in your mouth and sting on your butt can be your reminder the rest of the night to reflect on your behavior, now bend over.”

I bent over the bathroom sink, soap still in my mouth.

“Keep your head up and look at yourself in the mirror,” he commanded.  “You are getting 36 more since that is the number of lines you wrote in an unacceptable manner.  You are lucky I didn’t double it.” 

SURRENDER (Sort of)
36 with Mississippi is an eternity, especially after having received so many already.  Mike varied the intensity, alternating between fairly soft strokes, some medium ones and some extremely hard ones.  It was more than enough to make me start crying again.  And for the first time I got the shakes during a spanking. Mike even paused to ask me if I was okay, to which I said “Yes, Sir, you may continue.”  My body language was very submissive by the end of it.  I just wanted it over.

While I was physically surrendered, I still wasn’t mentally surrendered.  If this were a typical punishment I probably would have used a safe word to pause or even stop the spanking.  It reached an unbearable stage somewhere in the upper teens, but, I my inner voice told me that if I used a safe word I was letting him “win.”   I still felt entitled to an explanation.  I told myself if I could hold on, I would be preserving my “right” to an explanation.  Yes, very foolish to think that way, but in that moment, nothing would have convinced me to think otherwise. 

I have had punishments in the past with more spankings than this one, and even some with harder spankings than these.  But the combination of the number of them and the intensity of them along with the implement that was used made this one of my worst spankings ever.  I think overall I ended up receiving 70-75 with Mississippi – plus the 35-40 by hand to start with, and the handful I got during my Maintenance Session just a few hours earlier.  My ass was very much afire and sore.  It’s been four days and the bruises are still big and evident.

When he was finished, complete with pee rinse, he told me that he does not consider the punishment complete.  He said he expects me to stay up after we got home and start over with the lines and he wants 100 before I go to bed.   This meant the potential for even more spankings as I am spanked for any errors or sloppiness in my lines.

He also told me, “For the rest of the night, anything short of a cheerful disposition from you will be considered additional disobedience.  I want you to forget about this and get about your normal routine in your normal joyous way.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir”

Wow.  This was the most direct, demanding, and dismissive way he has ever spoken to me.  Odd thing is, I kinda liked it.  I mean, I still wanted to know why he did what he did.  But, I was turned on by his Dominance… oh, only a submissive would understand!

Even though his sternness brought a slight tingle to my nether-regions, I still wanted to know what was going through his mind to order Kayla to have sex with him.  I figured I would have to wait for our next Maintenance Session to bring this up — respectfully bring this up!

Even though the issue was not settled in my mind, I was able to put all my thoughts on hold and cheerfully go about the evening.

HAPPY NEW YEAR
Despite a very sore bottom and lingering soapy taste in my mouth, I had  a lot of fun at my sisters, as did everyone else.  By the time we got settled in back at home it was nearly 2 a.m. Mike told me to skip the lines for the night and he gave me until the end of the day to get them completed.  

Kayla got home a little after 2, Mike and I were still up.   We chatted briefly and she shared she also had a fun night.  She was in the shower as Mike and I were laying in bed when Mike brought up the subject of the days events.  

THE EXPLANATION
“Jen, I know you still want to discuss what happened.  The simple answer is that I am Kayla’s Dom and she is my submissive.  You are not entitled to anything more than that answer.   If she has questions of me then she has the ability to discuss it with me.  Do you accept that?

“I accept it, Sir.” I responded.

“I can hear the ‘butin your response,” said Mike as he easily read my body language  ( I really do need to learn how to put on a poker face).   I had to collect my thoughts as I did not want further spankings.   I kept telling myself I really want to have a discussion and to do that I must remain respectful.  I kept thinking to myself, “Loving intentions, loving intentions.  Assume loving intentions!”

“Mike, I accept you are Kayla’s Dom and she is your submissive.  I am sorry for demanding an explanation from you.  I should always assume your intentions are based on what Kayla needs and based on what she will accept from your dynamic with her.  If you are willing to share your thoughts with me about what prompted your actions, perhaps I can better understand you as a Dom, and Kayla as a submissive.  That can help me be a better submissive to you, and a better friend of Kayla’s.”   Phew, I was glad I was able to be calm and collected in my statement. 

It was about that time that Kayla got out of the shower.  Mike called Kayla over to us.  Mike asked her, “Kayla, you are aware that Jen took exception to me having sex with you before you left, aren’t you?

Yes, Sir, I heard her as I was leaving.”

“Tell me, what did you think about it?   If we were able to play that night over, knowing what you know now, would you have wished I simply let you go out without having sex with you?”

“Sir, to be honest,” Kayla calmly stated, “I was perfectly fine with it.  It took me a second to process your request simply because it was unexpected and my mind was focused on my evening with Michaud.  But it was no more than a second.  And I am grateful for what you did, no regrets.  It was exactly the kind of thing we talked about.”  

Mike smiled and said he was relieved to hear that.  He said he knew it was an “aggressive” move on his part and that there was risk.  “I know I took a risk with you emotionally, and I am happy to hear you say that I read your needs correctly.  Although it gives me a great sense of accomplishment to serve your submissive needs, please always tell me if I fail you, even in a small way.”  Mike then looked at me and said, “I don’t want to just be a Dom to either of you,  I want to be the right Dom to each of you.”

Holy shit, I feel terrible!  I can probably go an entire post for how shitty I feel about my behavior.  Mike’s behavior was in such sharp contrast to my own.  He excelled at his Dominance.  He excelled in how he maintained a calm and Dominant composure throughout me throwing my fit.  He excelled in treating Kayla in a way that she apparently appreciated and was needing from him as his submissive. Contrast that with my behavior which was a complete submissive fail.

I apologized profusely.  Mike has always been reliable when it comes to having good intentions, even before DD.  I should know to not doubt him the way that I did.  Any questions from me must always be done inquisitively, from a point of curiosity and seeking knowledge.  This is a basic foundation of any relationship built on good communication, with or without DD – and I failed.

I really should have learned by now not to doubt Mike.   Perhaps more reflections on this in another post.  Yeah, it may take a couple of posts to fully unpack emotionally.   

PS. WHAT WAS KAYLA REFERRING TO?
Of course, I had to know what Kayla meant when she told Mike, “It was exactly the type of thing we talked about.”  I respectfully asked Mike and Kayla to share what that meant.  What I learned was very interesting and unexpected.  That will also be for another post!

Yea me!  Lot’s to write about!

NEXT:  Post 202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

200. Balloons and Submission?

200

Welcome to post #200!  I thought I’d celebrate with some balloons.  And it turns out they are very appropriate for this post – they just might mean more than just a celebration.  Read on!

It amazes me that in 200 posts I have given so many people a glimpse into the evolution of my unconventional life over the last 20 months.  While the rate of my posting has slowed, I guess the interest level hasn’t.  I actually had my most views in a single day just a few days ago (1,365 views from 289 visitors).   

My slower pace isn’t due to a lack of enthusiasm over posting — I love writing and sharing about my experiences!  It is more due to my decreasing wonderment over my day-to-day routines.  Submission, spankings, and an active and energetic sex life have become normalized to the point I have to remind myself that others may find it shocking, erotic, or just overall interesting.  Alas, if I ever start to forget, I can usually count on one of my sisters to remind me.     

UNSETTLED SIS!
I was talking to one of my sisters again (Post 116. Revealing DD to my sisters, as well as Post 120, Post 136Post 165).  Most of the follow up discussions have been with Sis2 (the younger of the two).  Sis1 never asked much or commented much, until now.

I was talking with her and it was clear she is unsettled by my lifestyle.  It’s been ten months from when I shared my choices with her and she was finally at the point she wanted to share a more harsh critique.  She did it in a way that was a nice as you could hope for, but it was clear that at a minimum, she was frustrated and astonished, and at worst, she was appalled and disgusted.

She felt my choices reflected some larger issue with womanhood – a poor example to young women and girls who should be expected to demand better and not settle regarding men’s behaviors.  It was also clear that her comments were fueled by what is going on in society regarding women finally being taken seriously on issues of sexual harassment (let alone outright sexual assault).

The root of her issue was that in her mind, my DD was an example of a woman being “less than” a man.  By allowing myself to be “less than” I was allowing myself to be dismissed as an equal.  By doing that, I was “buying in” to the mindset of a misogynistic culture that does little to discourage sexual misconduct by men.   Going even further, she feels my choices actually validate that culture and give it “fuel.” 

WOW 
So yeah, time for a bit of a rant.  I’ve shared similar ideas before – I guess that happens when you are 200 posts into a blog.   But while a bit “rant-like,” the discussion with my sister was still amicable.  We are accustomed to telling each other like it is. . . at least, like we see things.  So even though we don’t always agree, we always appreciate and recognize the loving intentions.    

My response to her was that I completely understand why she feels that way.   I can totally relate to thinking that way, as I would have been right there with her saying such things to someone just a few years ago.   But, I now understand that while DD, D/s, or M/s COULD represent the things she was talking about, it does not mean they always do.

My DD is not borne out of Mike’s feelings of superiority over women.  It is not rooted in some ancient misogynistic edict passed on through family folklore and fables.   It is not rooted in anyone thinking women are “less than.”   MY DD is simply rooted in one thing —  MY need to serve Mike.

It fulfills me.   It strengthens me.  It motivates me.  It allows me to flourish and act and think in a way that I feel accomplished.  Accomplished as a person.  Accomplished as Mike’s partner.  Accomplished as a mother. 

I don’t advocate a D/s dynamic for anyone.  What I do advocate is for everyone to find what fulfills them, what strengthens them, what motivates them.  At the same time, I strongly encourage a 100% open and honest dialogue with your partner in life.  Not 99%, not 99.9%.  A 100% openness about everything – sexual and non-sexual.   

It is about being 100% authentic, and with that authenticity comes a power that is greater than any power in a relationship.   It is the power to be your authentic self and the immense satisfaction of being accepted as your authentic self.   This isn’t about man versus women.  It is about ourselves versus ourselves – with the goal of allowing our authentic self to win!

It just so happens my authentic self is submissive to Mike.  That’s not an indictment of women rights.  That’s not settling for bad behavior by Mike.  That’s not saying I am unequal to Mike.  That is not condoning sexual misconduct by anyone, and it certainty is not validating a misogynistic culture.

Warning: This analogy may have holes and be silly.  It was not well thought out.  It simply came to mind in the moment I was speaking with my sister. 

99 LUFTBALLOONS
I asked my sister to visualize herself carrying a balloon.  Without any other context, what does carrying a balloon mean?   Nothing much.  Kind of nice.  It’s festive, right?  It may make you smile or make anyone seeing you smile.  Nothing negative.   And let’s say you are someone who gets immense enjoyment from holding a balloon.  You love the feeling.  You love everything about it.  Does this love of balloons mean something about womanhood?   Of course not.

Now what if I tell you there is a culture that requires women to carry balloons at all times as a sign of women’s “silly minds.”  And let’s say this culture has evolved to the point few women will hold balloons anymore.  The only ones that do are “forced” to because they cling to a family or religious tradition.  Then along comes Jenny who wants to hold one just for the enjoyment she gets out it, and she finds her husband gets joy from it, and she finds it allows her to be more joyful and fulfilled as a person, a wife, a mother.  Should she give up her balloon?

CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING
The point I was trying to make to my sister is that it is all about context.  And the context of my D/s dynamic is not rooted in all the things she believes it is rooted in.    In our discussion I also revisited many of the things I wrote about in other posts, especially Post 136.

Like I wrote before, I think sharing my dynamic with my sisters is much like teaching them a foreign language.  You need repetition in order for it to fully sink in.  Thus, I didn’t mind my sister’s doubts and questions.  It gave me an opportunity to reinforce what submission means to me and hopefully gets her one step closer to understanding and accepting that.  I think our conversation did that, a least a little bit. 

NEXT: Post 201.  Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year

199. An Open Marriage!?

199

It’s about time for another general musing post, this time addressing my feelings about sex with Matt.  

Ultimately, yes, we have an open marriage.  Like any kink, when it comes to labels – what things are, what they mean, and how they make you feel – are going to be different for every person and couple.   I don’t think of our marriage as “open,” but it sure isn’t closed!  HA!  I like to think of it as being open to “possibilities” versus just wide open for all to come and go.   

IS IT CHEATING WITH PERMISSION?
No, that is not an accurate representation.  There is no cheating as we are always playing by the rules of behavior that Mike and I have established for ourselves.  It is only cheating if you break the rules. 

IS IT ALL ABOUT SEX?
No, it isn’t.  It’s about lots and lots of communication, trust, checking in with your own personal boundaries, and about having a great deal of confidence.  Confidence in yourself to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to you – and – confidence in your relationship to allow the other person to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to them.   Mike and I have great communication, clear definition of boundaries, high self-confidence, and high confidence in our relationship.  This leaves little room for accidentally crushing someone’s feelings or inciting jealousy. 

I’ve found that our sexual exploration with others has added to my sex life with Mike.  Being open creates opportunities to be exposed to new things that we may choose to incorporate in our relationship.   We can also explore sexual relationships or activities that involve both of us, such as threesomes, foursomes, or role-playing that require more than just the two of us.  I have desired and experienced things I never even gave thought to before DD.  And I have experienced things that I previously hid away in my head as pure fantasy.  

BOUNDARIES
Mike and I have boundaries, but there are no specific prohibited acts.  The boundary is simply that we have to both be aware of what the other is doing and be willing to talk about specifics if the other wants to know.   In other words, no secrets.  

This has been easy because most of our sex with others has been in the presence of each other.  The few times it hasn’t, we talk about it.   We talk about it because we are always interested in learning about what and why they liked or disliked what they did.  And we talk about it with a degree of indifference and nonchalance that you would think we were talking about some television show one of us saw without the other.  We don’t want to hear about every line in the show, but we want to know if it was enjoyable.  That, and, well, whether or not there were one or more orgasms and what orifice did they come in.   Yeah, exactly something you’d want to know about a show they saw without you.  HA!! 

I do have some additional “rules” that Mike doesn’t have.  Namely I can only be with others with his specific approval.  Contrast this with Mike who  is free to be with anyone at anytime, just so long as he tells me about it.  He only has to tell me in advance if the time being spent with the other person takes away from time with me.  For instance, if he were to go out while I was at home and he wanted to have sex with someone.  But, if say he was on a business trip and had the opportunity for sex, he can simply tell me about it later.  By the way, I came up with that rule, not Mike. 

Although we have these rules, we haven’t needed to implement them much.  But Mike and I have at least talked about it because we are aware that our relationship is such that these things could happen.  Neither of us are currently seeking sexual partners outside our current “circle of trust” but we aren’t adverse to it if the opportunity presents itself.   That current “circle of trust” includes Kayla, John, Donna, and at least for the moment, Matt.  

OTHER BENEFITS
Being open with sex means having more frank conversations.  Once sex lost all vestiges of taboo in our conversations, we both became comfortable admitting when we are or aren’t in the mood, and more comfortable talking about people we are attracted to and the things we enjoyed doing (or having done to us).  This led to learning new things about each other and made us closer. 

I was married to Mike for almost 25 years before I really understood what he liked the most about sex.  And the same is true for Mike fully understanding what I enjoyed most about sex.  How sad we went so long with “secrets” about what made us feel good. Why do people do that!?!?   We wouldn’t keep such secrets about anything else in life, so why keep them regarding sex? 

WHAT NEXT?
I don’t know.  It’s possible our “circle of trust” never grows further.  We both seem to prefer fewer, deeper relationships than many casual ones.  We haven’t really put ourselves in a position to have opportunities for more sexual partners.   We did “flirt” a bit with some FetLife functions and of course there was “the party.”  While they were fun, we just didn’t connect with the people with met.  

Mike and I share our sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies with each other.  When we got into DD we made this a priority, and honestly, it was very difficult and took time to fully evolve to where we share everything.  Here’s an excerpt from that post: 

Sit down with your partner and have a discussion on the differences between sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Then, if you are so bold, actually share your sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  

Once you get over the terror and embarrassment, it becomes some of the most amazing conversations you will ever have with your partner. 

REMAINING DESIRES? 
We define a sexual “fantasy” as something we actually don’t want to do (for now) or that may implausible or impossible.   Whereas, a sexual “desire” is something we aspire to experience.  Over time there are things that could move from the “fantasy” box to the “desire” box.

One such fantasy that made this move is my “stranger in the night” fantasy.  In it I have sex with some random stranger, man or woman, and never know who they are, not even a name.  This merged with a fantasy of Mike’s where he basically “pimps” me out (but obviously with no money being exchanged).   The experience with Matt  was close to this, but Matt isn’t a stranger.   In this merged fantasy Mike and I have talked about going out with the intent of seducing someone, man or woman, to have sex with me.  We could make this happen if we stayed engaged in FetLife activities, but both of us share the desire for this to be more organic.  That is, unexpected — not a kink event where such things are likely to occur, but just say a random encounter at a restaurant.

Even if we don’t ever fully act on this desire, sharing it and merging his desire with mine has provided some great titillation.   There are times we are out and one of us says to the other, “How about that one?”  And then we talk about how we would seduce them and what we would do.  Just talking about it gets us both all hot and bothered.  Perhaps some day will we actually try to make it happen.

FANTASIES?
One of Mike’s fantasies involves me as a “Center of Attention” with a lot of guys.  In his words, “like at least seven, if not ten.”   A hallmark of this fantasy is that it ends with me drenched in their cum.  Mike admits he likes the thought of it, but not actually wants me to do it.   Mike did ask me if it was something I would do.  I said yes, of course, but that didn’t change his views that this should stay a fantasy of his.   He sort of got an inkling of what it would actually be like and that was enough to convince him to keep it a fantasy.

Knowing that Mike had this fantasy, I had John come on my face.  When we were done, Mike was like, “Ew, please go wash up.”  He didn’t want to kiss me or get close to me, even after I scrubbed.  So yeah, the fantasy is almost always better than the reality because in the fantasy you don’t have to consider such things.

One of my fantasies includes Mike having sex with other men.  It’s something I know he isn’t into (I’ve asked!) and thus I leave it as a fantasy.  I wonder if this is common fantasy for women?  It really gets me off to think about sharing sucking a cock with him.  Did my stating that make you feel weird?  Well, that’s the thing about being completely open and honest with your partner.  You can say such things as if you simply asking if you wanted to share a piece of cake.  It’s no big deal if they say no.

Bottom line, both Mike and I feel 100% confident to ask for and enjoy anything sexually, whether with each other or someone else.

Next: Post 200.  Balloons and Submission?

198. Sex with Mike, I mean, with Matt

198

Ok, so those in this picture are way younger than we are, but hey, it’s a nice pic.

I wrote in my last post of Mike’s “request” that I have sex with his friend Matt.  I said “yes” without hesitation.  For starters, I have already agreed to perform any sexual act on anyone that Mike requests.  In addition, I love performing sexually for him, as well as for anyone as I have an exhibitionist side.  And it helps that Matt is attractive, and single.  As I stated before, the one caveat to my sexploration is that it never involve someone in a relationship unless their partner or spouse is away and condones such activities. 

Mike and I had our date night and went out for a nice dinner.  As planned we stopped by Matt’s to see his new place and for a night cap.  As we pulled up and before I got out of the car, Mike told me to take my panties off, and of course I complied. 

We went in and Mike and I were sitting on his couch, with Matt sitting in a nearby chair.  We were making small talk, asking him what “single” life felt like after twenty-something years of marriage.  I asked Matt if he was dating and he said no, not yet.  He said he hadn’t really been trying but only now feels ready to give it a shot.  Mike then made some comment like, “So, I guess you haven’t had sex in some time then.  That must be something new to get used to, right?” 

Matt just laughed and said something like, “Yeah, I guess so.”  

Mike then said, “Well, we have something somewhat new in our relationship.”  Mike went on to explain to journey into Domestic Discipline and our Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  Matt didn’t say much.  He was just wide-eyed and said, “Wow, really?” or, “Our you serious?” quiet a bit. 

 Mike then said, “In fact, I told her to take her panties off in the car just before we came in.  Honey, stand up and life up your skirt to show him.”

I immediately stood up and did as Mike told me.  Mike said, “So Matt, I guess that’s the first pussy you’ve seen in awhile, isn’t it?”

Matt had this half-laugh and shook his head from side to side and said, “I don’t know what to make of this, but, yeah, it’s been awhile.”  

Mike then told me to remove my skirt.  Mike stood up and walked over to another chair and sat down.  He told me to lay on the couch. 

“You know Matt, Jenny likes people to watch her masturbate.  Are you interested?”  To which he responded, “Um, sure Mike, if that’s okay with you two.”

It has been awhile since I did anything sexual in front of someone for the first time.  (Post 20  and Post 139).  Mike walked over to me and unbottoned my top and I sat up just enough so he could take it off.  He pushed my bra up and exposed by tits and then he sat back down.  

I continued to finger myself and play with my tits.  I removed my bra after asking Mike for permission to do so.  I was looking intently back and forth at Mike and Matt.  I love to make eye contact with whomever is watching me.  Mike had smile, and Matt’s look was priceless.  His eyes were as big as saucers and he had his bottom lipped curled under his top lip and he was slightly moving his head up and down as if to say, “yes, i really like this.”

“Would you like to fuck her?” Mike asked Matt.  

“Uh, what?  Like, right now?  Right here?” Matt stammered. 

“Sure,” Mike said nonchalantly,  “Right her, right  now.”

Matt was hesitant and asked Mike, “Do you have to watch?” 

I just kept masturbating as the two of them had a conversation about the logistics of Matt having sex with me.  Matt wanted reassurance from Mike that he was cool with it and that I was cool with it.  At one point Mike even asked me if I was okay with it to which I replied, “Absolutely.”   Matt’s last hangup was having it there with Mike watching, so Mike told him to go ahead and take me to his bedroom if that made him more comfortable.   It did, so Mike told me to follow Matt to his room. 

I was a little disappointing that Mike wasn’t going to be watching.   That’s part of the thrill.  Also, I was hoping Mike would join in at some point, but now that didn’t seem likely.  Oh well, can’t always have everything you want! 

Mike tossed me a condom as I followed Matt to his room.  When we got there he closed the door and again asked me if I was okay with this.  I told him not only was I okay but he could do me any way he wanted but I wanted to leave the door opened.  I said, “At least let Mike hear what’s going on.”  Matt complied and opened the door.

I kissed Matt as he and i both started unzipping and removing his pants.  I dropped my knees and pulled his underwear down and there it was!  Matt has a big penis.  I immediately began sucking him and he quickly grew fully erect.  I had never had a penis this size in my mouth (I later confirmed with Matt that it was 8.4 inches).  I know that isn’t like gargantuan porn-star huge, but  still, a personal record for me!   

For a moment I wondered if the condom would fit, but it did.  And once affixed I got on the bed and laid down on my back and he got on top of me and started fucking me.  I was a bit distracted as I was concentrating on the feeling I was getting, trying to determine if his big cock actually felt different.  It felt good, very good, but it didn’t really feel different.  I kept focusing on what I was feeling hoping to discern some different sensation.  I guess after all these years of fucking my vagina is loose enough to accept whatever sized dick without feeling any different.  Ha. 

I finally gave up trying to identify any different feelings and got back into just enjoying the sex.  At some point he flipped me around and entered me doggy style.  He then came, but I still had a ways to go.  He fingered me for awhile.  I asked him if Mike could join us.  He said he’d rather “finish me off” on his own.   Okay, who am I to complain about that? 

He went down on me and I orgasmed about five minutes later.  We laid there for awhile, and eventually he said, “Now what?” 

I said, “I dunno, I have never done this.”  I clarified that I have had sex with other people with Mike’s consent, but I never had it like this, in another room, with Mike waiting.  I told him if he was up for another round that I could call Mike in and they both could have me.  Matt said maybe later and let’s take this one step at a time.   I felt like saying, “Well, what we just did was a mega giant step, so what’s the big deal?”  But I kept myself from saying it as that would be rude and I realized Matt was still in a bit of shock over this. 

I reassured him this was all very okay and more than just okay, is something I enjoyed tremendously.  He got dressed and we walked out of the room together.  I was still naked as my clothes were still back in the living room.  I surprised Matt when I grabbed his hand and told him I wanted I wanted to hold his hand as we walked back to the living room. 

Mike said, “I assume you both enjoyed yourselves?”   I replied with a “Yes, Sir,” while Matt sheepishly said, “Yeah, you can say that again.”   

Matt sat down and Mike instructed me to kneel next to Matt.  Mike asked Matt what he thought about all this and Matt admitted he wasn’t sure what to think as he still isn’t sure what just happened.   Mike laughed and said, “Sex with my wife just happened.” 

Mike went on to reassure Matt that this was all okay, and that if Matt was okay with it, he could do it again sometime, even that night.  Mike told him that I really enjoyed two men at once so if he could join them next time it would be all the more pleasurable to me.  Matt said, “I’ve never done that, but sure, we could do that.”    

Mike said, “Why not now?”  Matt laughingly said, “No, I need more time to recoil.  And frankly, I am still in a bit of shock.  Let’s just relax a bit and see how it goes.”   

Mike agreed and the conversation slowly turned to just mundane talk of what other mutual friends are up to, current events, and stuff like that.   At some point Mike again asked Matt if he all three of us should go to his bedroom.  Matt said that we should just save that for next time to which Mike responded, “Look, watching Jenny masturbate and hearing you all in the bedroom has me horny, so if you aren’t ready to go again Matt, I sure am.  Jen, hon, come suck my dick.” 

I got up and went over to where Mike was sitting.  I pulled his pants and underwear down, and sucked him where he sat.  I kept at it until he came in my mouth.   He stood up, pulled up his pants, and said, “Thank you Jen, now get dressed as it is about time to go.”     

We stayed about another thirty minutes talking.  I wasn’t sure what Matt was making of all of this and whether he was really comfortable with everything that transpired.  But he made that clear as we were leaving as he said, “So, are you all free tomorrow night?”

Unfortunately we weren’t, but Mike added, “Matt, you are free to come by our house any evening.  Just let me know what works for you. Oh, and by the way, what are you doing Sunday.  Want to come to my buddies house and watch football?”    Oh my, now there will be Mike, John, and Matt watching the game.  Matt is in for one hell of a halftime!  

So what do I think of all of this?  Well, I share those ruminations on my next post (as well as what happened today during football).   Suffice to say, I really enjoy my sex life!!! 

NEXT: 199.  An Open Marriage!?