379. IT’S DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE CONTRACT TIME

When we first adopted Domestic Discipline (DD) in 2015, we felt it was important to codify our meaning of DD. Thus we created a written agreement.

I won’t repeat our history of agreements. You can read Post 320 where I go over that history in the first few paragraphs. And our approach to the agreement hasn’t change much from what I shared back in Post 10 or Post 11.

Our newest agreement is shaping up to be similar to the current one, thus I would classify it as a 3.2 version of our agreements.

WORDS ARE POWER

I don’t really like the term “renegotiation.” That sounds too adversarial; an exchange of point / counter points with each point requiring concession. Sure, there is an element of that, but, the exercise is more of an updating, validating, and reinforcing of our commitments to each other.

This exercise requires completely open and honest discussion about our needs and desires . No hidden agenda, no keeping chips in our back pocket, or any other common negotiation tactics. It’s not a zero sum game. His gains are my gains, my gains are his gains, and losses hurt both of us. I don’t know the right term for such a situation, so for now, I am stuck with “Renegotiation.”

Maybe you can help? It’s more like a time of discovery and validation. An attempt to discover facets of our relationship and of ourselves that we want to explore, codify, and outwardly commit to. Maybe that’s the word. Discovery! We sit down and discover ways to enhance what we are doing and adjust our agreement accordingly. Discovery & Calibration perhaps? I kind of like that. Open to your thoughts.

Why is it important to think about the word, “Renegotiation?” Because words are power. Words can have different meaning to different people. They set a narrative in our mind as to what we think was truly meant by the other person. “Negotiation” always has a negative connotation, so I want to replace it.

While this word is not that big of deal in the overall context of our Domestic Discipline, it illustrates that every word in our agreement should receive the same scrutiny. For the most part we’ve done that with each agreement. The result — we are both highly calibrated as to the needs and expectations of the other. I believe this calibration is the foundation of our success in DD.

SIMPLIFY, or EVEN CHUCK, THE AGREEMENT?

Each time we go over our agreement one of the first things we tell each other is that it seems more intricate than it needs to be. But as we go through it, we find we don’t want to remove much.

Ultimately, it isn’t about the length, it’s about girth (That’s what she said! lol). I mean to stay, it doesn’t matter if it is short or long, as long as each person feels their needs and desires have been communicated clearly and concisely. As some topics are complex, “concise” is a matter of opinion as it may take a lot of words to fully convey what you mean in order for the other person to understand. If you can communicate fully in fewer words, fine.

We’ve been at this long enough now that we could just get rid of our Agreement. We both have come to adhere to the Agreement as a reflex, like breathing. Do we really need to write it down anymore to remember what is expected?

I say, Yes! Mike agrees. It’s not about having the piece of paper to refer to. It’s about the exercise of putting that paper together. That process is invaluable. In fact, other than very early in our DD, the agreement itself is rarely looked at. When it is, it’s more of, “Hey, let’s read through it and see if we are living it as we expected.” Sometimes we find something and are both like, “Oh yeah, I forgot we agreed to do that. Do you want to start that today?”

My point is, I know some will say an agreement is unnecessary. For me, it was absolutely necessary and a critical part of our foundation to a successful DD dynamic. You won’t be kicked out of the DD club for not having an agreement. As with every part of your relationship – go with what works for the both of you. My only caution is I’ve found that people tend to struggle without having an agreement because they never went through the EXERCISE of fully articulating their needs and expectations.

RENEGOTIATION DISCOVERY & VALIDATION

We each took a copy of the current agreement and went through it and made our own notes and circling things we wanted to discuss. We then sat down and talked through those notes.

During a “renegotiation session,” all my rules are suspended. This is to ensure I have no influences over expressing myself other than my own personal choices. It’s my time to call him a power-hungry prick without fear of a spanking.

LOL. That was a joke. He is nothing of the sort, and our sessions are all positive! There is never a “I wish you would have…” or, “How come you didn’t…” It’s always FORWARD thinking. “Going forward I’d like…” as well as THOUGHT PROVOKING, “How do you think that would benefit you/me/us?”

By suspending our Agreement, it puts us in the mindset that we are NOT in a DD relationship at that moment. It puts our focus on what we need to codify in order to have a fulfilling and purposeful DD relationship going forward. Thus, we end up not making nearly as many edits as we thought we would.

WHAT’S CHANGING?

  • Orgasm Control. Although well within the “sex” clause of our current agreement, OC was not specifically mentioned. It will be now
  • We are going to make this one for three years. That’s the longest term we’ve ever used. It reflects that we have reached a bit of a plateau in terms of the evolution of TTWD. We’ve both found our comfort zone in DD, D/s, and all TTWD. We don’t anticipate significant changes going forward.
  • We will be making some other changes to the “Sex Clause,” “Self Care” (i.e. masturbation), and to the “Dress code.” Minor things to codify what we already do but either didn’t specifically address in the contract or we were no longer adhering to nor want to going forward. Why add these things? Because they are fun to talk about and clearly and unambiguously committing to them gives me good chills and tingles.
  • Two areas we plan to condense are the Discipline section and the Maintenance section. We’ve so engrained these in our routine of daily life that we don’t feel the need to be so specific with these topics. They are like breathing. We don’t need it in the agreement to remember what/how to do it.
  • The Mantra’s. Mike asked me to take a hard look at them to see if I want to change them. He didn’t say to change them just for the sake of change, but simply to make sure they say all that I want them to say. I am not sure I will change them. I really like them. They are like little prayers to start and end my day, or to start a spanking I earned.

I’ll post the latest agreement once it is done!

Here’s a list of the contract’s I’ve posted before:

12. Our Domestic Discipline Contract (Oct 2015 – Oct 2017)
174. My DD 3.0: Domestic Discipline Contract (Oct 2017 – Mar 2019)
320. Domestic Discipline Contract Version 3.1  (Mar 2019 – Mar 2021)

Next: 380. Our Domestic Discipline Contract, version 3.2

13 thoughts on “379. IT’S DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE CONTRACT TIME”

  1. I like Calibration, may I suggest Evolution or Progression? You are open to change and adaptation without diminishing that which you had before. I was very much taken by sexy Swedish dramedy series Love and Anarchy earlier in the year, and the female protagonist talks about how she was a seed, and then a flower and a tree, and now she’s becoming a forest.

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  2. Reconfirmation? Affirming all that has gone before and detailing specifics for going forward? Reaffirmation? It is very important to have a contract or agreement, because it does force open conversation about needs and expectations. We didn’t have it first go around and suffer for it. This time we basically copied your outline in your contract with changes in specifics that pertain to us and we don’t have the rituals. The only ritual is specific words to begin and end discipline, maintenance, etc. We felt we would become too bogged down trying to follow rituals then growing in Dd and we developed rituals naturally before as the dynamic progressed. One spontaneous ritual was every time he spanked me he would start with his hand lightly on my lower back and he would pause at some point and softly kiss my the same spot before continuing. It always caused all resistance/tension to melt from my body and some how reaffirm our connection. Happy recontracting?!!!lol!

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    1. So cool! Reconfirmation. Reaffirmation. Both are better than renegotiation but maybe still not quite it. I am probably over thinking things!! I tend to do that. Thank u for sharing and i am happy to hear my outline inspired your approach to things. I love that spontaneous ritual! Thanks again!

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      1. Maybe it’s not renegotiation that needs to be changed but the word contract. The two together “renegotiating our contract” evokes arguing about minute details to get the most and not being screwed over. Maybe renegotiating our agreement, renegotiate our commitment,….our🌈promise🦄. Lol. What best describes your document other than contract? Just a thought.

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        1. Good point and we actually refer to it as, “our Agreement.” I tend to use “contract” when referring to it in my blog. We like “Agreement” for exactly the reason you stated. It’s a mutual commitment/promise. And interesting you mention “promise.” While we added a “Purpose” statement a few versions back (we call it a Statement if Intent), we are adding the word “Promise” to that statement. So you’ve nailed it re wording we should be considering. I know some people roll their eyes over the wordsmithing but what is communication if not words? And as every word can have a different connotation to each person, it’s important to use several words to paint a complete picture of what you feel or intend.

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  3. Another great read, Jenny! I was surprised to hear that you have negative connotations associated with the words “negotiation” and “renegotiation”. I have always felt positively about these words and really enjoy the process of negotiating boundaries and rules with a Dom. I like discovery and validation too, it just feels a little less like “power exchange” terminology to me. In any case, it sounds like you and Mike are hard at updating your agreement. I was wondering…. does Kayla have a contract too?

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    1. Thanks, Nora. Interesting insight re it doesn’t sound like PE vernacular. You are right. It’s a bit “rainbows and butterflies” type wording re “Discovery & Calibration. “. But our approach to our contract and the renegotiation is not very PE-like. We bring an equality to the process that is not PE. It works for us. It seems counter intuitive that a process of equality and equity can bring about a fairly significant PE. It was, and remains, important to us that I have a significant voice in TTWD. That voice is expressed in the agreement, and then, for the most part, I shut up and comply until the next one (Maintenance being my time to speak).
      One more thought. – it’s a Power Exchange not a Power Grab. It isn’t just the Dom or HoH saying, “This is what I want, give it to me.” It’s also the sub saying, “This is what I am willing to give.” By default, that becomes a negotiation. It’s just for me, that term doesn’t represent what we go through when putting a new contract together. It’s less “his power” vs “my power.” It’s how can we have the most powerful marriage together. Thanks again, Nora. I love pondering this stuff.

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      1. Thank you for the thoughtful response, Jenny! I COMPLETELY agree that the sub absolutely needs to have an equal voice during this process (and then, as you said- shut up until it is his his/her turn to speak again). In my mind, the term “negotiation” does promote this equality. But, what matters is that you connect with the terms that you and Mike are utilizing. It fascinates me how we each hold our own connotations for the word. Great discussion, thank you!

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      1. Is her contract similar to yours with regard to form and intent? I imagine the content would be different, as you have expressed in the past that her and your submission look very different.

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