Tag Archives: D/s

261. A bit more Kayla

I left a bit of a cliffhanger with inference there is a disturbance in the DD force with Mike and I.  I will get to that in my next post – promise!  I was re-reading my prior posts and felt I left a bit out that I want to add regarding Kayla. 

HOW DOES KAYLA FIT IN TO OUR EQUITY? 
We weren’t looking for a relationship with Kayla, and it wasn’t like we were “needing” it.  But our willingness to continually put our equity into our relationship means our relationship is open to so many new and wonderful things.

To re-visit my prior analogy, our marriage is not a closed box containing the two of us, it has a door and windows, and if someone rings the doorbell, we check out who it is.  Maybe, just maybe, they get invited in.  Some temporarily, like John, Donna, and Matt.  Some..or make that one, stay indefinitely, like Kayla.

And what does it mean to have Kayla as part of my relationship with Mike….well, not just a relationship, but a marriage?

We both feel strongly connected to Kayla.  She is part of us. “Us” in my marriage is three.  I shared some of the things we have done to further “bond” her to “us.”  Here are a few more things –

SOME SIMPLE THINGS
Public displays of affection — holding hands, putting arms around each other, or even the quick little pecks on the lips.  Yeah, they happen, whether Mike and her, or me and her, or the three of us.  Pda’s can happen, but generally aren’t in our nature, so not a lot of that, but, they aren’t forbidden.  Both Mike and I try to do it a little more with Kayla, as it is a simple gesture to show her we aren’t hiding her.

It also isn’t uncommon you hear us use various terms of endearment here and there… a “luv” here, a “babe” there, or even a “sweetie” at times.  Any one of us may be directing it at any one else.  It has even been a bit funny when someone says something and throws in a “babe” and the other two are like, “which babe are you talking to?”

SOME SEXY THINGS
Of course there is also the sex.  Kayla sleeps in our bed all the time now.  Sex is an every night thing.  Sometimes it can be more Mike and Kayla or more Mike and me, or more Kayla and I…it simply is whatever it evolves to be for the night.  I do love watching the two of them.  There are times I tell Mike I am fine with just the two of them having sex and I will just watch and masturbate.

We still have our one night a week alone with Mike.  Kayla or I sleep in the guest room on alternate weeks on the nights the other one has their date night with Mike.  Mike occasionally gives Kayla and I our own night out as well and he sleeps in the guest room.  It’s nice we all get to pair up and have our own one-on-one time.  We also all three go out on occasion when we have someone to stay with J.

SOME FURNITURE THINGS
And as part of her moving her things into our room, we went shopping this week for new sheets and bedspread and we let her pick it out.  We also got a new dresser that better compliments our decor so that Kayla could move all of her stuff into our room.  Another little thing we did is that instead of  “Kayla’s dresser” and “Jen’s dresser,” we alternated the drawers such that some of our stuff is in each dresser.  No “her’s” and “mine.”

Lastly we made room for her knick-knacks and some pictures.  Overall the feel is probably still a bit more Mike’s and I age, but it clearly has a Kayla touch.

SOME D/s THINGS
I find happiness in Kayla’s happiness and in all her
growth and happiness our relationship has brought her.   Further, I am so proud of Mike of finding it within himself to be able to give Kayla what she needs and desires – even when those things differ from what I need and desire.  It can’t be easy to deal with two women who have different needs – but it sure helps when, in our case, the two women share a #1 need of pleasing him.

Their D/s has continued to evolve and has a lot more M/s elements to it.  I joke that Kayla doesn’t breath without Mike’s permission.  That’s an obvious overstatement, but, there isn’t much she can do without his permission or command.  From speaking when he is around, to eating, to using the restroom – you can pretty much name it.  

EQUITY IN OUR MARRIAGE
Overall our “open” marriage means we were open to all the things that we have subsequently experienced since adopting DD. 

  • Open to people – obviously the deep relationship with Kayla, and the sexual/friendship relationships with John, Donna, and Matt. 
  • Open to life –  Our recent adoption of nudism is a good example of us finding something we weren’t even looking for.

EQUITY FOR KAYLA?
How does Kayla feel about her relationship with Mike and I?  I shared that she is happy and fulfilled, but what specifically does she find fulfilling.  I asked her.

In Mike – she admits there is a bit of a fulfilling father-figure to him.  His intense interest in who she is and how she feels, and his eagerness, not just willingness, to focus on her needs.  She felt these things even when she was a little girl, and those feelings ended up serving as the foundation for her puppy love to become amorous and more.

She loves serving him, and craves his approval.  At first it devastated her when he disapproved of something (punished her).  That’s why she use to be a big crier.  But she quickly learned that the thrill of doing better, serving him better, and being the person she desires to be, all make the punishments worth it.  She learned they didn’t mark a failure as much as mark an opportunity. 

She still tends to be a bit of crier, but she says her tears are different.  They are often out of immense thankfulness and joy.  A recognition that she is worthy of his guidance, expectations, and love.  I know that phrase probably sickens those who are unfamiliar with DD or D/s.  But I completely understand why she feels that way. 

In me – Kayla also admits I serve a a bit of a mother figure to her, more so than she says Mike serves as a father figure.  Probably because she feels a bit closer to her own father than her own mother.   Kayla says she yearned for a mother figure. Someone to show pride when she did well, give unconditional acceptance, even when she did “dumb shit” as she puts it.  Someone who cares when she suffered and who not only made efforts to help her feel better, but whose efforts actually succeeded in doing so.

Yeah, basically all the stuff a mom would do, she said she got that from me. And like with Mike, those things preceded our “adult’ relationship.  We were those things to her when she was 11, 12, 13, etc.  Again, all serving as a foundation for a love that eventually turned amorous.      

And just to clarify, Kayla said while she feels “let down” by her parents, they were not abusive in the typical meaning of the word.  Numb, not caring, not nurturing, yes – so she feels fortunate they were not abusive other than the abuse of disinterest.

WHAT NEXT?
Who knows what’s next…or even if there is a next.  But whether or not there is, or whatever it may be, I know we are receptive to exploration – so much so that if only one of us wants to explore, they are free to do so, without the others.

I believe the roles, responsibilities, and relationships that Mike and I have, with each other and with others, is highly equitable.  But, what if Mike or I wanted something that wasn’t equitable?   See that?  A nice segue into what I alluded to in the prior post regarding DD sympatico. . .  Next post, I promise!

248. Secret Ingredients Revealed

248

If you thought I could end my last post the way I did and move on to something else, you must be new here.   I was dying to elaborate!  And in doing so, I’ll share two of the secret ingredients that I feel helped Mike and I flourish in Domestic Discipline.

My last post shared several “trivial” things for which I was punished.  Early on in our DD it was these “trivial” things where Mike had the most difficulty.  He didn’t want to be seen as being mean.  Even with me telling him it was okay and that it was what I wanted, it took time for him to be convinced.  I don’t think that is out of the ordinary for a DD dynamic that began at the wife’s behest.

But frankly, early on, I also had difficulty with accepting discipline for these “smaller” indiscretions for all the reasons I wrote on my post before last (in the “Smells Like Jens Spirit” section).  

INGREDIENT ONE:  CONSISTENCY
I hear sometimes from people who are struggling with adopting DD.  I remind them that I didn’t start from where Mike and I are today.  We had to go through a process of learning and accepting our roles.  It didn’t just happen over night, but what helped us immensely was a commitment to consistency.

I was extremely fortunate as a newbie sub, in that, while not perfect, Mike was highly consistent from the start.  He put aside his reservations and just “went for it” as he puts it.   He would overcome his hesitancy by telling himself, “Well, this is what she said she wanted.”  

Mike was extremely fortunate as a newbie Dom in that, while not perfect, I was highly consistent from the start. I put aside my reservations and just trusted my instincts.  Those same instincts that gave me my DD epiphany.

When you both adopt a firm commitment to consistency, it helps you overcome your doubts and anything that may cause you to otherwise hesitate (such a the things I shared in 246. Subconsciousness of Wrong).  Over time it all became more natural to us and more fulfilling and second nature for us.  Mike is a wonderfully consistent Dom and, if I do say so myself, I am a very consistent submissive.

INGREDIENT TWO:  COMMUNICATION
Our commitment to consistency was backed by our commitment to frequent, open, honest, and
complete transparency in communicating our thoughts, dreams, and desires.

What’s tricky about this ingredient is that it isn’t an ingredient by itself.  It is a compound that is formed from lots of other ingredients.  The primary one being, you guessed it, vulnerability.   Showing all your vulnerabilities and accepting all of your partners vulnerabilities requires love, trust, compassion, empathy, respect, understanding, and host of other ingredients.  And guess what, you can’t just feel those things towards your partner.  You have to feel them towards yourself – and that is even more difficult. 

Love your partner?  Trust them?  Respect, empathize, etc, etc?  No problem.  Now, love yourself?  Trust yourself?  Respect yourself?   Humm, sometimes that’s really difficult.

Yeah, getting all those mixed into the powerful “communication” recipe is not easy.  You may be great in some, and need work in others, and if any aren’t “just right” then it will show in how fulfilling your final baked product is.

And both Mike and I agree that our Maintenance Sessions were invaluable in the successful development of our DD.  Not only are they phenomenal communication tools, but they aided early on in making our commitment to consistency easier.  Knowing that we were never more than six days away from discussing our concerns, allowed us to worry less about what happened in between those six days, giving us confidence to do what was necessary to be consistent in applying and accepting discipline.

Ultimately, communication comes back to vulnerability.  I won’t repeat all my thoughts on vulnerability, other than to say it is the most elusive yet most powerful ingredient in any relationship, DD or otherwise.  (several posts on Vulnerability are linked in FINDING MY HAPPINESS section of my Shortcuts).

And getting this recipe right is not a destination.  It is the proverbial journey.  It’s never perfect, and perfection can not be the goal.   Progress, not perfection!

MIKES PERSPECTIVE
Mike has told me that once he fully understood what I wanted — not just heard me say it, but understood it in his mind and soul – he found it easy to be consistent.  And what helped him understand it was my consistent feedback to him – especially when I would thank him.  He said he desperately needed my approval and gratitude.  Without it, he believes he would still be struggling with consistency.   And THAT is why a sub giving thanks is part of my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline.

And the other part of my golden rule is for the Dom to give the sub praise, and I told Mike that his praise was equally as valuable as my thanks was to him.  He never fed into my own “consciousness of wrong.”  He was always supportive, praising my efforts and my commitment to “finding myself.”

I realize Mike is Mike.  Everyone is different.  There are newbie Doms who don’t need such reassurance, and newbie subs who don’t need such praise.  Thus, while I believe the basic ingredients of my recipe can help improve all relationships, D/s or vanilla, the mix of those ingredients must be based on what works for each individual person and couple.  And you can’t figure out that mix if you don’t communicate.  So if you are looking where to start, start with communication.

MIKE LIKES TO DOMINATE ME
Mike told me that he realizes now that 
he enjoys the power and influence over me.  He didn’t always feel that way.  Just as I had to overcome my “subconsciousness of wrong,” so did Mike.  Just as society tends to view my submissiveness as a defect, they view Dominance as mean at best, brutal at worst. And those views once weighed on him. 

Even for those who accept D/s, I sense that there is a tendency to more readily accept the joy the submissive gets from being submissive than there is to accept the joy the Dom gets from being dominant.  Somehow the latter is more likely to be deemed as inappropriate.  Submission is soft, beautiful, vulnerable, evoking empathy.  Dominance is hard, brutal, and invulnerable, evoking disdain.  That’s unfair. 

It took Mike a long time to admit he enjoys disciplining me.  As he explained it, he misconstrued enjoyment as being a preference; meaning a preference to spank me, find reasons to do it, lookto do it above all else, delighting in my pain.  No, it is NOT any of that. It is not a preference he has.  But, he does enjoy it.

I can enjoy my submission, not because of the pain, but because it represents fulfillment, joy, and pleasure in my oneness with Mike. Yet, somehow we want to deny the Dom from enjoying his Dominance for the fulfillment, joy, pleasure in his oneness with the sub.  The truth is, Mike can enjoy it.  And he does.  It’s not a preference to the act of discipline.  It is simply my preference to be submissive and his preference to be Dominant.

TRIVIAL THINGS
So back to the topic that started this rant.  When it comes to “trivial” things for which I am punished – there really is no such thing.  A failure in a commitment is a failure in a commitment, no matter how small or large.  While t
he significance of the failure may influence the type of discipline, it should never influence whether or not I am disciplined. 

Not every transgression requires a physical punishment.  Sometimes sufficient discipline is simply Mike’s disapproval – a verbal discipline.  Mike sometimes gives me a warning when he believes my actions are inappropriate or teetering on the edge – but a warning is not the same as ignoring – and frankly, sometimes his disapproving words are as powerful as a smack on the bottom.

Consistency is sacred.  It is more important to be consistent than to give thought to ignoring a transgression.  And if you agree with that, then remember what it takes to be consistent. . . communication.  And what does it take to have great communication? All that stuff I already wrote about.

Experiment with your own recipe using my ingredients.  See what wonderful things you and your partner can create for your relationship. 

Next: 249. Sometimes Reminders don’t have to be Spankings

232. Our Final “outing”

We told our middle child about our relationship with Kayla and a bit more about our dynamic.  If that wasn’t enough, we shared our plans to meet E’s family at a naturist resort, likely in June.   

WHAT WE SAID RE KAYLA
We simply said that our relationship has evolved such that he would likely best understand it as a polyamory thing.  I didn’t explicitly say it was sexual, but it was very clearly understood as you will soon read.

We told him we wouldn’t be hiding our relationship from anyone — not that we would shout it from the rooftops, but we wouldn’t go out of our way to hide it. 

WHAT WE SAID RE D/s
We had already shared the basics back in December and he was able to see it in practice, so he pretty much gets the picture.  We added was that Kayla was part of this “deferring to, and service to”, his dad.  We also injected the word “accountable” which I don’t think we had used before.  He didn’t ask in what ways we are accountable to his dad and that’s fine by me.  We wanted him to have a general understanding and it seems to us that he does.  If he asks more questions later, we will answer them.   

WHAT WE SAID RE NUDIST RETREAT
We brought up the opportunity to meet E’s family by having a family vacation along with them at a resort, likely in early June… and, that it was a nudist resort. 

We talked about meeting E’s cousin’s family who were practicing nudists.    We shared with him that we partook in the clothing free option.  We explained we aren’t planning to be clothes free around the house, but that there may be more nudity as we also may not rush to wear clothes.  He connected the dots back to his experience of seeing Kayla naked. 

T2 REACTS RE KAYLA
He said he basically already knew – sort of!   Turns out, one his friends is the brother of Michaud’s roommate.

T2 never met Michaud, but has met the roommate.  By chance the group of them were talking about relationships and the roommate mentioned Michaud dating a “poly” girl who was also in a relationship with an older couple.  The roommate mentioned her name – Kayla – but at the time T2 didn’t think it was the Kayla he knew. 

When T2 eventually learned that Kayla was dating someone named Michaud, he immediately connected everything, including the fact the “older couple” was likely his parents!  He didn’t say anything to anyone…as he didn’t know what to say nor really want to know more.

T2 tends to be pretty reserved.  He will say what is on his mind but you have to work at prying it out.    We weren’t expecting much behind a nod and an “okay,” but he actually asked a lot of engaging questions – more than T1 asked us when we told him.  This was welcomed but was also surprising.

T2 bluntly said, “So, you all have sex and everything like a typical relationship?”   Our answer was a simple, “Yes, we do.”  He said it was “Pretty wild,” and “a lot to process,” but it didn’t bother him.  He joked he didn’t know he had such “trendy” parents.

I told him it wasn’t about trying to be in vogue. Things just evolved and we didn’t feel it was necessary to suppress our feelings.  While the desire not to suppress our feelings may be helped by increasing social acceptance, social views are not what created our love and affection.  We also apologized for not saying something sooner as part of reason for telling him was so that he didn’t find out some other way.

He did ask the, “isn’t she young for you guys” question… although his version was, “aren’t you old for her?”   He was more interested into what the appeal was for Kayla, which she answered.  She reminded him of her lifelong attraction to people older than her and the affection she has always felt from and towards us became something much deeper.  She said that perhaps it is the age difference that allows her to connect to us in a way she can’t with anyone else.  

He did ask about the long-term plans and we all admitted that those were up in the air and would evolve however they are meant to evolve. Oh, and he asked me if this means I was bisexual and have I always been that way.  Very pointed questions I wasn’t expecting, but I was happy to answer.   Yes, and yes, with the caveat it was something I haven’t explored since college.  

T2 REACTS TO D/s
He didn’t react beyond an “okay.”  We weren’t anticipating much here since he had been witness to my more subservient role in the household.

T2 REACTS TO NUDIST RETREAT
It wasn’t a complete shocker.  T1 had told him before that E’s family “used to vacation at a nude resort growing up.” (mild understatement to say the least).  T2 took it to mean as a one-off thing, not an actual lifestyle.  So he was a little surprised, but not that much and gave it his typical well thought out and elaborate response of “Cool.”  

He was “game” for attending if his work situation allows it.  That was great to hear — we were thinking it was 50/50 as to whether or not he would be open to going.  The shocker was he asked if he could bring his girlfriend.  Now that was awkward for us!

TABLES TURNED
Here we are expressing our “progressive” lifestyle regarding our relationships, plus we already having T1 living with his girlfriend (now fiancée) — yet, we were hesitant to have T2’s girlfriend along.  What of the sleeping arrangements?   I am fine with them having sex (which they have had), but, having her share a room with him makes me feel like I am somehow facilitating it.   T2 just turned 22.

Of course, when Mike said it felt a bit “creepy” to him, T2 was quick to add in jest, “You mean, like mom and dad sleeping with the babysitter?”   Touché

This led to a very frank discussion about a variety of things.  T2 shared some stuff about his prior relationship (he dated his last girlfriend for a long time), stuff about himself, and his outlook on relationships, etc.   It was all a good family bonding experience and at times, probably a bit “creepy” for all of us.  

In the end, we agreed that if he is able to come, is girlfriend is welcomed.  T said he doesn’t have any qualms about asking her, but that she may not want to or be able to attend.  We shall see. 

And in fact, apparently we shall see an awful lot!  Ha.  That’s a nudist joke in case you missed it.  

IN CONCLUSION
It went well, which I expected, but it went even better than any of us expected.  We are all feeling very good and very excited about being more ourselves around friends and family.   Technically this isn’t our “final outing” as we have other family members to deal with regarding our relationship with Kayla.  But the kids were defintely the priority and the most meaninful for us.  The others will come in time and frankly, while we obviously prefer acceptance, their reactions are less important to us.

Next: 233. Meet the Nudies

194. Primal Scream!

194


CAME OUT
In Post 132 I wrote about being with a group of my girl friends and telling them that Mike and I had “this couple”  (John and Donna), with whom we would swap and have sex with.  I didn’t tell them about my submission at that time.  My revelation was still contrary to the agreement Mike and I have so I was subsequently punished.  

BEING OUT
Our new Contract marks a phase of a bit more openness with our submission.  I am very submissive to him even in public.  I’ve found most people are oblivious or just don’t care.  A rare wrinkled eyebrow or wide-eyed look.  I actually enjoy answering a waiter or waitress with, “My sir will choose my order for me.”  I often think that they assume his name must by Mycer.  Ha. 

COMING OUT
Around family, I tone it down a little, but not much.  We anticipate with the holidays approaching our two older sons will be around us quite a bit.  We will probably have some explaining to do.   We are prepared to talk with them, albeit at a high level.  I don’t have concerns about it.  I expect bewilderment, but they’ll accept it and move on.  

We really do need to tell them because we want to make sure they hear it from us.  Another recent change is that Mike has allowed Kayla to tell anyone she wants.  The caveat being not just shouting it out for now reason, but if she is questioned, she is to answer truthfully.  Mostly just yes/not stuff, not like a complete download on everything involved in our relationship and her dynamic.  

By the way, I have an upcoming luncheon with my “gal pals.” I asked Mike if , for this luncheon, I could be subject to the guidelines he gave to Kayla.  They already know about our “swinging,” and if the conversation came up again, I want to be able to honestly answer questions about that and even DD, D/s. Mike said he would allow it.  Knowing these friends as I do, I can guarantee it will come up. 

ROSE COLORED GLASSES
I’ve written before about explaining my dynamic to my sisters (Post 116 and Post 121).   I was recently talking with my sister, the one who reads my blog, and she observed that I seem to put such a happy and joyful “spin” on my discipline.  I told her it was not spin.  I do find happiness and joy in it.   She said, “I get it, but come on, all the time?”

Hum.  I know I’ve shared some of the challenges on my blog.  I think I’ve been fair and showing it is not always never-ending joy.  There are some pit stops along the joyful path and I believe I share the ones that have the most impact on the journey.  But it got me thinking.  In reviewing my posts, especially the more resent ones, I have to agree with sis.   I have a bias towards sharing the good.  But that’s mainly because there has been so much good lately.  But even if there’s some down spots, so what?  It’s my blog and I’d rather share the triumphs, not the tragedies. 

Well sis, I’ll take those rose-colored glasses off for a moment and see what it is I can see.

FREAKING OUT
I know I’ve shared before that there are a lot of inconveniences in this dynamic.

Here’s one.  We keep robes in our closet by our front door since Kayla and I are naked most of the time.  We need quick access to cover if someone comes knocking.  I’ve gone to get the robe only to realize I put it in the wash. I run quickly, naked through the house to my closet to find something I throw on.

And strictly adhering to all the rules and scheduling can be stressful when you are having “one of those days” where, despite your best efforts, the surprise-gods keeps challenging your adherence.  And the journals?  I got into the habit of carrying sticky notes and a pen with me so I can jot down things that I need to put in my journal.  Oh but wait, I CAN’T CARRY IT AROUND. I am naked!   Where did I put that notepad? Where’s a pen?  By the time I find it, several more unsubmissive thoughts come to mind that I now need to write down. Let alone the self-reported acts of disobedience.  Like I am not spanked enough?  

And what is with the very hard spankings with the same implement over and over?  Mike tends to alternate his go-to implement, but it’s time to go to the next one in the rotation.  His current favorite is a beast! It hurts, and he is striking hard.  While Mike is delivering fewer spanks, they are way harder than before.  What, he doesn’t want to be bothered a few extra minutes to give a more prolonged, but lower impact, spanking? 

Okay, I will admit there is an upside to that.  I know exactly what I am in for when I disobey.  While the unknown can be unsettling and add to the anticipation that feeds my submissive mindset, sometimes the known can have the same impact.  Knowing what he is going to use and how hard it is going to be also adds anticipation that feeds my submissive mindset.  So i guess it is a win-win, but still, can we change it up a little?What’s happened to the tack bra or various other alternative punishments?   

And all these soapings.  Any act of disobedience that involves something I say now results in a soaping.   I get the connection. The words came from my mouth, let’s clean your mouth.  Okay, that was clever the first half-dozen times.  And the pee rinse and drink? Isn’t that just a bit excessive?  

And really, I get that I want to submit fully, without exceptions. But at times it feels like Mike is looking for reasons versus just dealing with the things that are obvious.  Yes, I get a tickle in my submissive mindset and nether-regions when Mike is so authoritarian and demanding, but still, my butt needs a break.  

And doesn’t Mike realize that many skirts and dresses require special washing or drying instructions? I can’t always throw them in the washer or dryer without risk of  ruining them.  Hand wash or wash separately?  Tumble dry low or hang to dry?  I can’t spend all day doing laundry.   

Oh, and “gracefulness.” Oh my, gracefulness. Really?  I can’t even sit and relax without thinking, “Watch your posture,” Don’t cross at the knees,” “Where do my hands go again?”  Christ, I am just trying to sit down!   

And another thing, putting make up on first thing in the morning?  Sure, I’ve mastered the 4-minute makeup routine, sometimes get it done in three. Here’s a great tip, to look immediately more awake, I apply a nude-colored eye liner directly to my waterline.  — Makeup- Jenny Style!  I digress.   Unless Mike is working from home I see him all of a few minutes in the morning.  All that rush for him?

And finally this weight loss thing.  What?  You think I am fat?  You want me at my “wedding day weight?”  Well bud, I lost about 8 pounds to look like I did on our wedding date. That’s not my baseline weight.  Now I have to lose 18 in three months?  Or what, I get my fat ass spanked?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phew!    That felt good. 

Well sis, how about ‘dem rose colored glasses?   HA!

DISCLOSURE
This post was with the full consent and permission of Mike, my loving Sir. He told me to use my sisters comment as an opportunity to say what I think pre-DD Jenny would have to say about our dynamic.  He felt it would be good to just let it rip and said it would probably match what a lot of vanilla readers think when they read my blog.   

Consider it a parody.  As with all parody’s, there is an element of truth.  Yes, being submissive can be hard. But honestly, I LOVE every one of the things I riled against. I love serving my husband in crazy, extreme ways. I love the challenge, and I love the level of attention it requires.

There is a dichotomy in submission.  Despite the fact it is challenging and requires a lot of attention, it can also be very effortless.  And recently, it has felt that way — effortless.  I think when my DD crossed over from effort to effortless, I knew I achieved the level of submission that was right for me.  The work and attention it requires is now a reflex.  Not a 100% reliable reflex, but still a reflex.  Remember, progress, not perfection!

NEXT: 195. In Memoriam

149. Kayla Rises. A Submissives Manifesto

149

A few months ago Kayla “came out” to a male friend of hers, Daniel.  I point out that he is gay, not because it matters, but he is still in the closet to friends and family, except he has shared with Kayla.  They have a sibling-like relationship, always platonic, and we have met him on a few occasions.  When Kayla asked to share her (and ours) dynamic with him, Mike and I agreed.  

Kayla said that Daniel never asked a lot of questions when she told him and just accepted that she was in a relationship with an older couple and it involved some kink, namely Kayla being submissive.  

Daniel was over this afternoon visiting with Kayla and I guess it gave him an opportunity to see certain things and thus ask more questions about our dynamic.  It was a very respectful conversation, no judgement – just curiosity.   His visit and that conversation was uneventful to the point it wouldn’t even warrant a post about it, sans one bit of the dialogue.  

Daniel said something to Kayla like, “By becoming submissive aren’t you basically agreeing to allow yourself to be violated?”

Kayla’s response touched me and I felt I had to share it.

Kayla’s Response
 “Yes, Daniel, you could use that word, ‘violated,’ but I believe that word implies a lack of consent.  A better word is ‘challenged.’  I allow my character, my beliefs about myself, my personal integrity, my morals, my ethics – all of that — I allow all of that to be challenged.” 

“What it has meant to me is that I have found a new way to express the feelings and emotions that I have always had.  I express them in ways that are not self-destructive.  And I don’t believe I have “become a submissive.”  I believe I was always a submissive, but I just didn’t know it and had to find it buried inside of me.  I believe the only way to be a real submissive is to be real.  Be who you are, and for me, this is who I am.”  

“For the first time in my life I am truthful with myself.   My submission is about dedication to the truth – the truth in who I am.  I find I answer the questions I pose to myself with more honesty than ever before.  Because I must share my feelings with Mike and Jen, I have to give more thought to what I am truly feeling.  I can’t just give those feelings a fleeting thought and a hasty, ill-conceived and overly self-negative, conclusion.  I have to think through them more deeply as I have to be able to articulate them to Mike and Jen.”   

“Honesty is a harsh and harrowed path, but is the only path that allows happiness to bear its greatest fruit.  I have found that delivering the fullness of myself to Mike, and allowing that fullness to be challenged, or in your words, violated, I am able to find out who I truly am.  More importantly, I discovered that honesty and myself are enough.  Who I am is enough.  Enough for me, enough for Mike, enough for Jen, and enough for this world.”   

“And it isn’t as if I have reached some ultimate destination.  My excitement is that while I now feel “enough,” I know there is so much more for me to learn about myself and the world.  That my “enough” will not only continue to expand, but it will do so without me ever again feeling “less than.”  Life’s uncertainties no longer scare me.  Poor decisions and bad experiences of the past don’t weigh me down.”  

“I am a submissive, which is not to say I am submissive.  I am Mike’s submissive, but to the world I am Kayla, and I am strong, and I am smart, and I am worthy, and I am enough.”

WOW
I was practically crying when she finished.  Even now I have a hard time putting into words what her statement meant to me.  Frankly, what it means to me is secondary to what it meant to Kayla.  Of course, I had to have her repeat much of this so that I could get it all down.  I told her how much it moved me and made me feel so good that Mike and I played our part in helping her with this.

I shared before that Kayla was a bit of a wallflower, a bit shy, and very insecure,  “Was” being the operative word.  That Kayla is no more.  As she said, Kayla is strong, smart, worthy, and enough!   

NEXT: 150. Entering the Forbidden Zone

 


 

 

93. Post Inspection. Defining Needs.

needshierarchy

MY THOUGHTS ON THE EVENTS
Regarding the events shared in my prior post, I was elated with the outcome of our visit with Kayla. I could not have wished for any better way to have handled the conversation than the way Mike handled it. I don’t have enough superlatives to do Mike justice, so will just leave it at that.

While the inspection was a complete ad-lib, Mike told me he was trying to come up with some way to have Kayla demonstrate some level of submissiveness during our visit. He couldn’t think of anything that would avoid pushing Kayla too far, too fast. The inspection idea just suddenly hit him as Kayla was pressing us for suggestions. He figured there was nothing to lose when he asked Kayla to undress. She could have said no, which would have been fine, and the conversation would have continued absent “the inspection.” But, since Kayla was open to it . . . well, you read what happened next.

HOW MUCH ABOUT KAYLA?
As Kayla becomes more important to my life it seems natural that I share more about her. I need to remain mindful that it is one thing to share some insights about an acquaintance within the context of my experience with them. It is another to delve into the highly personal details of so many aspects of their life and psyche.

She reads my blog and has encouraged me to share whatever I like. I think it allows her to vicariously get herself “out there.” I encouraged her to start her own blog as she loves to write. It’s been my experience thus far that people like YOU in the blogosphere are highly positive and supportive of one another, even when discussing a topic that is not akin to your personal taste. Maybe I’ve been fortunate? She seemed lukewarm to the idea. We’ll see.

Kayla stayed with us all day on Friday, having dinner with us and not leaving until the evening. Mike had us remain naked the entire time. Nothing sexual went on and she was never spanked. There were some opportunities where Mike could have given her one, or even just a play one, but Mike said he purposely wanted to avoid giving her one. He thinks that prolonging it as long as possible will build an anticipation within Kayla that will make it all the more positive and pleasurable for her.

CRYBABY
There was a point after lunch that Kayla stayed in the restroom quite a while. When she came out it is was clear she had been crying. She explained that nothing was wrong and that she cries a lot anytime she has been nervous or anxious for a period of time. “I can’t help it. I am a big crybaby. I am not sad, it just happens and I feel so much better when I am done. I had a lot of anxiety about this visit and I am anxious to move in here, not just because I want out from living with my mom, and not just because I love you all so much and feel so safe and happy when I am around you, but also because of this submission thing. It is all just overwhelming and exciting that I can’t wait.”

She went on to share that she rarely cries in the moment. She thinks she somehow trained herself to hold back in the moment, then burst out in tears when she is alone. She said sometimes these outbursts just happen out of nowhere, and other times she knows it is just there under the surface and she can hold it until she is ready to release it.   That got us talking about how she thinks she will take a punishment.

She said that she is crybaby when it comes to physical pain as well, but often in the same way as emotional stress. She recalled breaking her arm when she fell off a bike as a child and not crying much more than a whimper. Once they had gone to the hospital and she was home all comfy in bed, she cried as if she had just broken it.   It will be interesting to see how she reacts to a spanking.

KAYLAS DOCUMENT – WHAT SHE WANTS HELP WITH
She talked about the things she wants to emotionally improve about herself. She wants help in expressing her emotions in the moment. She knows she is calculating, even with her feelings, and she holds back a lot. She figures it can’t be healthy long term, and she believes it results in stunting her feelings…she misses out on feeling anything at times because she defers or defeats the emotion.

Not sure exactly how we best deal with that, other than encourage her to express herself in the moment. I can tell this will be easier said than done as it will take really challenging her on what she is truly feeling. I already know she has a tendency of identifying an emotion that is clearly just the veneer of what she is truly feeling. As I said before, any emotions come with an entourage of associates.

She also wants help in not drinking. Her mom drinks too much and Kayla has slowly seen a tendency towards drinking too much in herself.   What was just a social thing, rarely drinking to excess, has turned into more occasions of excess. She said the real awakening for her was when she drank alone for the first time, just because she wanted it. She said this scared her and she wants to stop now before “she turns into her mother.”

Lastly, the most surprising thing she asked for help in is in being more empathetic.
She shared that in some ways she feels her compassion is an act. In her mind, it’s brought about as an act of contrition to balance out the negative things she feels about herself. She said that her desire to help or to try to understand the pain of another does not come from love, but from self-pity.  She says there are times she feels she can’t relate at all to someone’s dilemma and feels like giving them a bop on the head and saying, “get it together.” She suppresses that urge and feigns compassion.   Then, although she did something kind for the person, she feels bad because her motivations were not pure.

I would have thought of her as one of the most compassionate people I know – no, let me rephrase that.  She is the most compassionate person I know, even if it comes from a not so loving place.  Not sure how we can help with this one.  Clearly this and all of her other issues she wants help with are tied to her self-esteem.

Does being submissive and being spanked help or hurt that? I came into DD from a foundation of self-assuredness. Kayla believes submission will help her. She approaches things like she would approach a math problem, you just have to solve it. She thinks the accountability and pure vulnerability will allow her to let go and feel in the moment. While I can relate to that, I just don’t know if it will do that for her. Several times we reminded her that there was no expectation that she do anything of this. She is free to live here and not be submissive. She is determined to give submission a try. She actually used the word “craves” when describing submission.

On the next post I’ll talk about the framework we collectively came up with regarding a D/s contract for Kayla. It is fairly consistent with the framework of my Contract.  She is writing it this week – and yes – it includes Kayla’s submission to me, at least to some extent. More on that on the next post.

NEXT: 94. Kayla’s Contract: Defining her Submission.

91. Undressing Kayla

undress

What a whirlwind of delightful debauchery!  As the time with Donna as a house guest has ended our attention turns to Kayla who will likely move in with us.

I’ll admit my title for this post is a bit of click bait.  I am referring to undressing Kayla in a metaphorical way, as in revealing more about the true Kayla, and not about physically undressing her (yet).  Sorry, for the tease!

I preface this by saying that no written description of her, or anyone, is complete.  We are all more than a page full of labels and adjectives.  Whatever words I use are bound to have various connotations for each reader.  As much as possible I am using Kayla’s words in how she describes herself, with some of my perspective added in.  I got her permission to share these details with you.

RECAP
Here’s a quick recap up of what I previously shared.  I introduced her in Post 76 and wrote more about her in Posts 77, 78, 79, and 80.   Yep, lots about Kayla lately.  She is 22 and has grown up with a consistent presence in our household.   She’s been a babysitter for my youngest but was always more than that – she was an extension to our family.  Over the years she spent a lot of time in my house, even went on some vacations with us.  We’ve helped her emotionally through tough times, and watched as she blossomed into an intelligent and caring young adult.  I recently revealed my DD lifestyle with her and she was highly curious.  Lastly, she is soon moving in with us.   There, that’s the recap.

“Naked” Truth.
Kayla has always been wise beyond her years, and since childhood she always had friends that were older than her.  Growing up she interacted and related more to my oldest son who is four years older than her, versus my middle child who is basically her same age.  Their interaction and friendship was always platonic and they behaved more like cousins than friends.  Kayla had unique interests that my kids didn’t share.  While they enjoyed her company, she likely would not be someone they would have been friends with if not for the inclusion that Mike and I sought to provide her.

She readily admits to being the “quirky girl,” a bit of a bookworm, and on the shy side.  She’s beautiful but carries a lot of negative thoughts about her body image.  She is 5’4 and wishes she was taller, her weight is fine for her height, but she wishes she was skinnier, her 32c bust in her words are, “just barely a C-cup and overall just unremarkable.”  She is self-conscious of her complexion.  Had some bad acne that left very slight scaring, not very noticeable, easy to cover with makeup, but the slight imperfections are massive craters in her mind, not to mention two small chicken pox scars that add to her insecurities.

She admits to feeling “dismissed” by her parents.  They were not overtly mean and while she has many positive memories, they weren’t as numerous as she’d like and were also mixed in with a lot of not so positive ones.  The way she puts it is that they were outwardly loving when they “had” to be.  She describes it as a sort of benign neglect.  She knows her parents had their own hang-ups and shortcomings and feels perhaps their lack of high involvement and interest in her was a reflection of her parents attempt not to repeat their own messed up childhood.  In other words, she feels her parents felt they probably couldn’t parent well, so they tried not to parent at all.  She recognizes that it is possible that actually gave her a better childhood than if her parents reverted to parenting the way they were brought up.

She is empathetic to a fault with a high “emotional radar” where she can quickly sense the emotions a person is feeling.   I have often been concerned she was a co-dependent in the making as she would often take on the problems of other people.  In trying to help others fix themselves, their problems became her problems (I can relate!!).  Unfortunately, often her love and empathy was twisted into leverage that simply enabled the other person to never take responsibility and truly fix their own problems, or worse, project onto her the blame for their ongoing problems.

She is sweet, kind, and thoughtful.  She can be bubbly and funny on rare occasions, but too often you can sense the weight of the problems that she is carries on behalf of others.  There are occasions where you can see a void in her eyes, as if joy and acceptance eludes her.  She is very shy around people she doesn’t know, but is very open with her thoughts and feelings when talking to me or Mike.

She talks about the years of growing up around our household in very glowing terms.  The warmth of my family, the joy of just hanging around us, even when we weren’t doing any particular fun activity.  According to her my household is “light and non-judgmental, where satisfaction replaces shame, and affection replaces disregard.”  I would be happy with the nice complement if I wasn’t saddened that she couldn’t have that in her home.

Most of her small circle of friends are either married or living with boyfriends/girlfriends.  She yearns to get out of her mom’s house and didn’t like the few choices she had for potential roommates to share an apartment.  She loves the idea of moving in with us as a good first step towards getting out on her own.  She said she could never feel as secure living anywhere else but with us.  And none of her reasoning has to do with submission or sex.  It is love, respect, and admiration (with a potential side-order of kink, hee-hee).

As for the kink, Kayla knows all about my submissiveness and has read my blog, as explained in Post 77.  Obviously if she moves in with us she will be a witness to my submissiveness.  I told her that she can have nothing to do with it if she chooses.  It is my life and my choice, and she is free to live as she chooses.  She indicated she is very intrigued by DD or D/s.  Being as studious as she is, she has been reading a lot about it since we first talked.  She says she is excited and curious about exploring some facets of submission for herself.   All of the discussion has been between her and I. I encouraged her to talk to Mike, but she admits being nervous and embarrassed about talking to him.  She said she just finds it hard to talk to him about her specific needs and desires.

I told her it that if she decides to become a submissive she needs to articulate what submission means to her.  Mike needs to understand how to best be her Dom and it can help me in helping her as well.  I told her if it were easier she could just write it all down.  It didn’t have to be like my contract, it could be more like an essay or even just bullet points.  Whatever way she feels comfortable in communicating it.

She liked that idea and has been working on “her document” as she calls it and plans to give it to Mike and I soon.  She also asked both Mike and I to prepare something for her and we can “exchange” documents.  She wants us to write out our suggestions on what we think would work for her.   Her hopes are after sharing the documents and talking through them that she can come up with a final document, akin to having her own contract.

Mike and I are working on our suggestions and we will be exchanging documents soon, hopefully this week.  With some risk she could read this before then, my list is not going to be very specific.  It is not for me to request any particular acts of submission from her.  My suggestions will be about letting go and approaching her submission as simply allowing herself to risk her vulnerability.  It is through becoming vulnerable that I have received the greatest joy and growth in my submission and believe she can receive the same.  I will share my observations on what I believe makes her feel vulnerable, but ultimately, it should only be about things that are true to her regardless of my thoughts or Mike’s.

Oh, and we talked about the living arrangements.  At first we were thinking of putting her in a spare bedroom that is actually an extension of our master bedroom.  I mentioned before this room is normally a separate bedroom with an entry in the hallway, but we opted to put a door to that room into our master bedroom.  It was a great room to have when our son was little.   We have two large doors that open to the master and when you immediately step into our bedroom, to the left is the door to the spare room, and to the right is the master bedroom.

Anyway, in talking with Kayla we decided it best that she have something that is more physically separated from us so that it feels more like her own space.   Mike may move his office into the spare room off the master and have Kayla take what is now his office as her bedroom.   We also talked about simply relocating the door to that spare room next to the master.  It isn’t all that much work to dry wall up the existing door and install a door in the hallway.  It’s something Mike feels he can do himself over a weekend.   We’ll see.

She wants to move in on 12/26.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

92. The Inspection.  Defining Necessary.