Tag Archives: D/s

194. Primal Scream!

194


CAME OUT
In Post 132 I wrote about being with a group of my girl friends and telling them that Mike and I had “this couple”  (John and Donna), with whom we would swap and have sex with.  I didn’t tell them about my submission at that time.  My revelation was still contrary to the agreement Mike and I have so I was subsequently punished.  

BEING OUT
Our new Contract marks a phase of a bit more openness with our submission.  I am very submissive to him even in public.  I’ve found most people are oblivious or just don’t care.  A rare wrinkled eyebrow or wide-eyed look.  I actually enjoy answering a waiter or waitress with, “My sir will choose my order for me.”  I often think that they assume his name must by Mycer.  Ha. 

COMING OUT
Around family, I tone it down a little, but not much.  We anticipate with the holidays approaching our two older sons will be around us quite a bit.  We will probably have some explaining to do.   We are prepared to talk with them, albeit at a high level.  I don’t have concerns about it.  I expect bewilderment, but they’ll accept it and move on.  

We really do need to tell them because we want to make sure they hear it from us.  Another recent change is that Mike has allowed Kayla to tell anyone she wants.  The caveat being not just shouting it out for now reason, but if she is questioned, she is to answer truthfully.  Mostly just yes/not stuff, not like a complete download on everything involved in our relationship and her dynamic.  

By the way, I have an upcoming luncheon with my “gal pals.” I asked Mike if , for this luncheon, I could be subject to the guidelines he gave to Kayla.  They already know about our “swinging,” and if the conversation came up again, I want to be able to honestly answer questions about that and even DD, D/s. Mike said he would allow it.  Knowing these friends as I do, I can guarantee it will come up. 

ROSE COLORED GLASSES
I’ve written before about explaining my dynamic to my sisters (Post 116 and Post 121).   I was recently talking with my sister, the one who reads my blog, and she observed that I seem to put such a happy and joyful “spin” on my discipline.  I told her it was not spin.  I do find happiness and joy in it.   She said, “I get it, but come on, all the time?”

Hum.  I know I’ve shared some of the challenges on my blog.  I think I’ve been fair and showing it is not always never-ending joy.  There are some pit stops along the joyful path and I believe I share the ones that have the most impact on the journey.  But it got me thinking.  In reviewing my posts, especially the more resent ones, I have to agree with sis.   I have a bias towards sharing the good.  But that’s mainly because there has been so much good lately.  But even if there’s some down spots, so what?  It’s my blog and I’d rather share the triumphs, not the tragedies. 

Well sis, I’ll take those rose-colored glasses off for a moment and see what it is I can see.

FREAKING OUT
I know I’ve shared before that there are a lot of inconveniences in this dynamic.

Here’s one.  We keep robes in our closet by our front door since Kayla and I are naked most of the time.  We need quick access to cover if someone comes knocking.  I’ve gone to get the robe only to realize I put it in the wash. I run quickly, naked through the house to my closet to find something I throw on.

And strictly adhering to all the rules and scheduling can be stressful when you are having “one of those days” where, despite your best efforts, the surprise-gods keeps challenging your adherence.  And the journals?  I got into the habit of carrying sticky notes and a pen with me so I can jot down things that I need to put in my journal.  Oh but wait, I CAN’T CARRY IT AROUND. I am naked!   Where did I put that notepad? Where’s a pen?  By the time I find it, several more unsubmissive thoughts come to mind that I now need to write down. Let alone the self-reported acts of disobedience.  Like I am not spanked enough?  

And what is with the very hard spankings with the same implement over and over?  Mike tends to alternate his go-to implement, but it’s time to go to the next one in the rotation.  His current favorite is a beast! It hurts, and he is striking hard.  While Mike is delivering fewer spanks, they are way harder than before.  What, he doesn’t want to be bothered a few extra minutes to give a more prolonged, but lower impact, spanking? 

Okay, I will admit there is an upside to that.  I know exactly what I am in for when I disobey.  While the unknown can be unsettling and add to the anticipation that feeds my submissive mindset, sometimes the known can have the same impact.  Knowing what he is going to use and how hard it is going to be also adds anticipation that feeds my submissive mindset.  So i guess it is a win-win, but still, can we change it up a little?What’s happened to the tack bra or various other alternative punishments?   

And all these soapings.  Any act of disobedience that involves something I say now results in a soaping.   I get the connection. The words came from my mouth, let’s clean your mouth.  Okay, that was clever the first half-dozen times.  And the pee rinse and drink? Isn’t that just a bit excessive?  

And really, I get that I want to submit fully, without exceptions. But at times it feels like Mike is looking for reasons versus just dealing with the things that are obvious.  Yes, I get a tickle in my submissive mindset and nether-regions when Mike is so authoritarian and demanding, but still, my butt needs a break.  

And doesn’t Mike realize that many skirts and dresses require special washing or drying instructions? I can’t always throw them in the washer or dryer without risk of  ruining them.  Hand wash or wash separately?  Tumble dry low or hang to dry?  I can’t spend all day doing laundry.   

Oh, and “gracefulness.” Oh my, gracefulness. Really?  I can’t even sit and relax without thinking, “Watch your posture,” Don’t cross at the knees,” “Where do my hands go again?”  Christ, I am just trying to sit down!   

And another thing, putting make up on first thing in the morning?  Sure, I’ve mastered the 4-minute makeup routine, sometimes get it done in three. Here’s a great tip, to look immediately more awake, I apply a nude-colored eye liner directly to my waterline.  — Makeup- Jenny Style!  I digress.   Unless Mike is working from home I see him all of a few minutes in the morning.  All that rush for him?

And finally this weight loss thing.  What?  You think I am fat?  You want me at my “wedding day weight?”  Well bud, I lost about 8 pounds to look like I did on our wedding date. That’s not my baseline weight.  Now I have to lose 18 in three months?  Or what, I get my fat ass spanked?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phew!    That felt good. 

Well sis, how about ‘dem rose colored glasses?   HA!

DISCLOSURE
This post was with the full consent and permission of Mike, my loving Sir. He told me to use my sisters comment as an opportunity to say what I think pre-DD Jenny would have to say about our dynamic.  He felt it would be good to just let it rip and said it would probably match what a lot of vanilla readers think when they read my blog.   

Consider it a parody.  As with all parody’s, there is an element of truth.  Yes, being submissive can be hard. But honestly, I LOVE every one of the things I riled against. I love serving my husband in crazy, extreme ways. I love the challenge, and I love the level of attention it requires.

There is a dichotomy in submission.  Despite the fact it is challenging and requires a lot of attention, it can also be very effortless.  And recently, it has felt that way — effortless.  I think when my DD crossed over from effort to effortless, I knew I achieved the level of submission that was right for me.  The work and attention it requires is now a reflex.  Not a 100% reliable reflex, but still a reflex.  Remember, progress, not perfection!

NEXT: 195. In Memoriam

149. Kayla Rises. A Submissives Manifesto

149

A few months ago Kayla “came out” to a male friend of hers, Daniel.  I point out that he is gay, not because it matters, but he is still in the closet to friends and family, except he has shared with Kayla.  They have a sibling-like relationship, always platonic, and we have met him on a few occasions.  When Kayla asked to share her (and ours) dynamic with him, Mike and I agreed.  

Kayla said that Daniel never asked a lot of questions when she told him and just accepted that she was in a relationship with an older couple and it involved some kink, namely Kayla being submissive.  

Daniel was over this afternoon visiting with Kayla and I guess it gave him an opportunity to see certain things and thus ask more questions about our dynamic.  It was a very respectful conversation, no judgement – just curiosity.   His visit and that conversation was uneventful to the point it wouldn’t even warrant a post about it, sans one bit of the dialogue.  

Daniel said something to Kayla like, “By becoming submissive aren’t you basically agreeing to allow yourself to be violated?”

Kayla’s response touched me and I felt I had to share it.

Kayla’s Response
 “Yes, Daniel, you could use that word, ‘violated,’ but I believe that word implies a lack of consent.  A better word is ‘challenged.’  I allow my character, my beliefs about myself, my personal integrity, my morals, my ethics – all of that — I allow all of that to be challenged.” 

“What it has meant to me is that I have found a new way to express the feelings and emotions that I have always had.  I express them in ways that are not self-destructive.  And I don’t believe I have “become a submissive.”  I believe I was always a submissive, but I just didn’t know it and had to find it buried inside of me.  I believe the only way to be a real submissive is to be real.  Be who you are, and for me, this is who I am.”  

“For the first time in my life I am truthful with myself.   My submission is about dedication to the truth – the truth in who I am.  I find I answer the questions I pose to myself with more honesty than ever before.  Because I must share my feelings with Mike and Jen, I have to give more thought to what I am truly feeling.  I can’t just give those feelings a fleeting thought and a hasty, ill-conceived and overly self-negative, conclusion.  I have to think through them more deeply as I have to be able to articulate them to Mike and Jen.”   

“Honesty is a harsh and harrowed path, but is the only path that allows happiness to bear its greatest fruit.  I have found that delivering the fullness of myself to Mike, and allowing that fullness to be challenged, or in your words, violated, I am able to find out who I truly am.  More importantly, I discovered that honesty and myself are enough.  Who I am is enough.  Enough for me, enough for Mike, enough for Jen, and enough for this world.”   

“And it isn’t as if I have reached some ultimate destination.  My excitement is that while I now feel “enough,” I know there is so much more for me to learn about myself and the world.  That my “enough” will not only continue to expand, but it will do so without me ever again feeling “less than.”  Life’s uncertainties no longer scare me.  Poor decisions and bad experiences of the past don’t weigh me down.”  

“I am a submissive, which is not to say I am submissive.  I am Mike’s submissive, but to the world I am Kayla, and I am strong, and I am smart, and I am worthy, and I am enough.”

WOW
I was practically crying when she finished.  Even now I have a hard time putting into words what her statement meant to me.  Frankly, what it means to me is secondary to what it meant to Kayla.  Of course, I had to have her repeat much of this so that I could get it all down.  I told her how much it moved me and made me feel so good that Mike and I played our part in helping her with this.

I shared before that Kayla was a bit of a wallflower, a bit shy, and very insecure,  “Was” being the operative word.  That Kayla is no more.  As she said, Kayla is strong, smart, worthy, and enough!   

NEXT: 150. Entering the Forbidden Zone

 


 

 

93. Post Inspection. Defining Needs.

needshierarchy

MY THOUGHTS ON THE EVENTS
Regarding the events shared in my prior post, I was elated with the outcome of our visit with Kayla. I could not have wished for any better way to have handled the conversation than the way Mike handled it. I don’t have enough superlatives to do Mike justice, so will just leave it at that.

While the inspection was a complete ad-lib, Mike told me he was trying to come up with some way to have Kayla demonstrate some level of submissiveness during our visit. He couldn’t think of anything that would avoid pushing Kayla too far, too fast. The inspection idea just suddenly hit him as Kayla was pressing us for suggestions. He figured there was nothing to lose when he asked Kayla to undress. She could have said no, which would have been fine, and the conversation would have continued absent “the inspection.” But, since Kayla was open to it . . . well, you read what happened next.

HOW MUCH ABOUT KAYLA?
As Kayla becomes more important to my life it seems natural that I share more about her. I need to remain mindful that it is one thing to share some insights about an acquaintance within the context of my experience with them. It is another to delve into the highly personal details of so many aspects of their life and psyche.

She reads my blog and has encouraged me to share whatever I like. I think it allows her to vicariously get herself “out there.” I encouraged her to start her own blog as she loves to write. It’s been my experience thus far that people like YOU in the blogosphere are highly positive and supportive of one another, even when discussing a topic that is not akin to your personal taste. Maybe I’ve been fortunate? She seemed lukewarm to the idea. We’ll see.

Kayla stayed with us all day on Friday, having dinner with us and not leaving until the evening. Mike had us remain naked the entire time. Nothing sexual went on and she was never spanked. There were some opportunities where Mike could have given her one, or even just a play one, but Mike said he purposely wanted to avoid giving her one. He thinks that prolonging it as long as possible will build an anticipation within Kayla that will make it all the more positive and pleasurable for her.

CRYBABY
There was a point after lunch that Kayla stayed in the restroom quite a while. When she came out it is was clear she had been crying. She explained that nothing was wrong and that she cries a lot anytime she has been nervous or anxious for a period of time. “I can’t help it. I am a big crybaby. I am not sad, it just happens and I feel so much better when I am done. I had a lot of anxiety about this visit and I am anxious to move in here, not just because I want out from living with my mom, and not just because I love you all so much and feel so safe and happy when I am around you, but also because of this submission thing. It is all just overwhelming and exciting that I can’t wait.”

She went on to share that she rarely cries in the moment. She thinks she somehow trained herself to hold back in the moment, then burst out in tears when she is alone. She said sometimes these outbursts just happen out of nowhere, and other times she knows it is just there under the surface and she can hold it until she is ready to release it.   That got us talking about how she thinks she will take a punishment.

She said that she is crybaby when it comes to physical pain as well, but often in the same way as emotional stress. She recalled breaking her arm when she fell off a bike as a child and not crying much more than a whimper. Once they had gone to the hospital and she was home all comfy in bed, she cried as if she had just broken it.   It will be interesting to see how she reacts to a spanking.

KAYLAS DOCUMENT – WHAT SHE WANTS HELP WITH
She talked about the things she wants to emotionally improve about herself. She wants help in expressing her emotions in the moment. She knows she is calculating, even with her feelings, and she holds back a lot. She figures it can’t be healthy long term, and she believes it results in stunting her feelings…she misses out on feeling anything at times because she defers or defeats the emotion.

Not sure exactly how we best deal with that, other than encourage her to express herself in the moment. I can tell this will be easier said than done as it will take really challenging her on what she is truly feeling. I already know she has a tendency of identifying an emotion that is clearly just the veneer of what she is truly feeling. As I said before, any emotions come with an entourage of associates.

She also wants help in not drinking. Her mom drinks too much and Kayla has slowly seen a tendency towards drinking too much in herself.   What was just a social thing, rarely drinking to excess, has turned into more occasions of excess. She said the real awakening for her was when she drank alone for the first time, just because she wanted it. She said this scared her and she wants to stop now before “she turns into her mother.”

Lastly, the most surprising thing she asked for help in is in being more empathetic.
She shared that in some ways she feels her compassion is an act. In her mind, it’s brought about as an act of contrition to balance out the negative things she feels about herself. She said that her desire to help or to try to understand the pain of another does not come from love, but from self-pity.  She says there are times she feels she can’t relate at all to someone’s dilemma and feels like giving them a bop on the head and saying, “get it together.” She suppresses that urge and feigns compassion.   Then, although she did something kind for the person, she feels bad because her motivations were not pure.

I would have thought of her as one of the most compassionate people I know – no, let me rephrase that.  She is the most compassionate person I know, even if it comes from a not so loving place.  Not sure how we can help with this one.  Clearly this and all of her other issues she wants help with are tied to her self-esteem.

Does being submissive and being spanked help or hurt that? I came into DD from a foundation of self-assuredness. Kayla believes submission will help her. She approaches things like she would approach a math problem, you just have to solve it. She thinks the accountability and pure vulnerability will allow her to let go and feel in the moment. While I can relate to that, I just don’t know if it will do that for her. Several times we reminded her that there was no expectation that she do anything of this. She is free to live here and not be submissive. She is determined to give submission a try. She actually used the word “craves” when describing submission.

On the next post I’ll talk about the framework we collectively came up with regarding a D/s contract for Kayla. It is fairly consistent with the framework of my Contract.  She is writing it this week – and yes – it includes Kayla’s submission to me, at least to some extent. More on that on the next post.

NEXT: 94. Kayla’s Contract: Defining her Submission.

91. Undressing Kayla

undress

What a whirlwind of delightful debauchery!  As the time with Donna as a house guest has ended our attention turns to Kayla who will likely move in with us.

I’ll admit my title for this post is a bit of click bait.  I am referring to undressing Kayla in a metaphorical way, as in revealing more about the true Kayla, and not about physically undressing her (yet).  Sorry, for the tease!

I preface this by saying that no written description of her, or anyone, is complete.  We are all more than a page full of labels and adjectives.  Whatever words I use are bound to have various connotations for each reader.  As much as possible I am using Kayla’s words in how she describes herself, with some of my perspective added in.  I got her permission to share these details with you.

RECAP
Here’s a quick recap up of what I previously shared.  I introduced her in Post 76 and wrote more about her in Posts 77, 78, 79, and 80.   Yep, lots about Kayla lately.  She is 22 and has grown up with a consistent presence in our household.   She’s been a babysitter for my youngest but was always more than that – she was an extension to our family.  Over the years she spent a lot of time in my house, even went on some vacations with us.  We’ve helped her emotionally through tough times, and watched as she blossomed into an intelligent and caring young adult.  I recently revealed my DD lifestyle with her and she was highly curious.  Lastly, she is soon moving in with us.   There, that’s the recap.

“Naked” Truth.
Kayla has always been wise beyond her years, and since childhood she always had friends that were older than her.  Growing up she interacted and related more to my oldest son who is four years older than her, versus my middle child who is basically her same age.  Their interaction and friendship was always platonic and they behaved more like cousins than friends.  Kayla had unique interests that my kids didn’t share.  While they enjoyed her company, she likely would not be someone they would have been friends with if not for the inclusion that Mike and I sought to provide her.

She readily admits to being the “quirky girl,” a bit of a bookworm, and on the shy side.  She’s beautiful but carries a lot of negative thoughts about her body image.  She is 5’4 and wishes she was taller, her weight is fine for her height, but she wishes she was skinnier, her 32c bust in her words are, “just barely a C-cup and overall just unremarkable.”  She is self-conscious of her complexion.  Had some bad acne that left very slight scaring, not very noticeable, easy to cover with makeup, but the slight imperfections are massive craters in her mind, not to mention two small chicken pox scars that add to her insecurities.

She admits to feeling “dismissed” by her parents.  They were not overtly mean and while she has many positive memories, they weren’t as numerous as she’d like and were also mixed in with a lot of not so positive ones.  The way she puts it is that they were outwardly loving when they “had” to be.  She describes it as a sort of benign neglect.  She knows her parents had their own hang-ups and shortcomings and feels perhaps their lack of high involvement and interest in her was a reflection of her parents attempt not to repeat their own messed up childhood.  In other words, she feels her parents felt they probably couldn’t parent well, so they tried not to parent at all.  She recognizes that it is possible that actually gave her a better childhood than if her parents reverted to parenting the way they were brought up.

She is empathetic to a fault with a high “emotional radar” where she can quickly sense the emotions a person is feeling.   I have often been concerned she was a co-dependent in the making as she would often take on the problems of other people.  In trying to help others fix themselves, their problems became her problems (I can relate!!).  Unfortunately, often her love and empathy was twisted into leverage that simply enabled the other person to never take responsibility and truly fix their own problems, or worse, project onto her the blame for their ongoing problems.

She is sweet, kind, and thoughtful.  She can be bubbly and funny on rare occasions, but too often you can sense the weight of the problems that she is carries on behalf of others.  There are occasions where you can see a void in her eyes, as if joy and acceptance eludes her.  She is very shy around people she doesn’t know, but is very open with her thoughts and feelings when talking to me or Mike.

She talks about the years of growing up around our household in very glowing terms.  The warmth of my family, the joy of just hanging around us, even when we weren’t doing any particular fun activity.  According to her my household is “light and non-judgmental, where satisfaction replaces shame, and affection replaces disregard.”  I would be happy with the nice complement if I wasn’t saddened that she couldn’t have that in her home.

Most of her small circle of friends are either married or living with boyfriends/girlfriends.  She yearns to get out of her mom’s house and didn’t like the few choices she had for potential roommates to share an apartment.  She loves the idea of moving in with us as a good first step towards getting out on her own.  She said she could never feel as secure living anywhere else but with us.  And none of her reasoning has to do with submission or sex.  It is love, respect, and admiration (with a potential side-order of kink, hee-hee).

As for the kink, Kayla knows all about my submissiveness and has read my blog, as explained in Post 77.  Obviously if she moves in with us she will be a witness to my submissiveness.  I told her that she can have nothing to do with it if she chooses.  It is my life and my choice, and she is free to live as she chooses.  She indicated she is very intrigued by DD or D/s.  Being as studious as she is, she has been reading a lot about it since we first talked.  She says she is excited and curious about exploring some facets of submission for herself.   All of the discussion has been between her and I. I encouraged her to talk to Mike, but she admits being nervous and embarrassed about talking to him.  She said she just finds it hard to talk to him about her specific needs and desires.

I told her it that if she decides to become a submissive she needs to articulate what submission means to her.  Mike needs to understand how to best be her Dom and it can help me in helping her as well.  I told her if it were easier she could just write it all down.  It didn’t have to be like my contract, it could be more like an essay or even just bullet points.  Whatever way she feels comfortable in communicating it.

She liked that idea and has been working on “her document” as she calls it and plans to give it to Mike and I soon.  She also asked both Mike and I to prepare something for her and we can “exchange” documents.  She wants us to write out our suggestions on what we think would work for her.   Her hopes are after sharing the documents and talking through them that she can come up with a final document, akin to having her own contract.

Mike and I are working on our suggestions and we will be exchanging documents soon, hopefully this week.  With some risk she could read this before then, my list is not going to be very specific.  It is not for me to request any particular acts of submission from her.  My suggestions will be about letting go and approaching her submission as simply allowing herself to risk her vulnerability.  It is through becoming vulnerable that I have received the greatest joy and growth in my submission and believe she can receive the same.  I will share my observations on what I believe makes her feel vulnerable, but ultimately, it should only be about things that are true to her regardless of my thoughts or Mike’s.

Oh, and we talked about the living arrangements.  At first we were thinking of putting her in a spare bedroom that is actually an extension of our master bedroom.  I mentioned before this room is normally a separate bedroom with an entry in the hallway, but we opted to put a door to that room into our master bedroom.  It was a great room to have when our son was little.   We have two large doors that open to the master and when you immediately step into our bedroom, to the left is the door to the spare room, and to the right is the master bedroom.

Anyway, in talking with Kayla we decided it best that she have something that is more physically separated from us so that it feels more like her own space.   Mike may move his office into the spare room off the master and have Kayla take what is now his office as her bedroom.   We also talked about simply relocating the door to that spare room next to the master.  It isn’t all that much work to dry wall up the existing door and install a door in the hallway.  It’s something Mike feels he can do himself over a weekend.   We’ll see.

She wants to move in on 12/26.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

92. The Inspection.  Defining Necessary.

47. Birth of a Dom

As with many posts, to fully understand some of my references you may want to refresh yourself with my Contract, especially regarding Immediate Rewards and our Rewards Ceremony, and be aware of our temporary Attitude Adjustment reminders.

This is a long post, which I really try to avoid, but I think it has something for those that like the added insights, context, and emotions, and for those that like the saucy spanking stories.

I’ve created a Dominant!  As my Domestic Discipline has become more focused on Service and Submission and as I become more submissive, it stands to reason my husband therefore has become more Dominant.   Recent events made the transition official.

Let me preface this by saying that there are likely some of you in a D/s relationship who wouldn’t identify what we are doing as D/s.  I get it.  Labels can be difficult to affix to any relationship, as there are likely many inconsistencies you can find with any label you use for your relationship, but ultimately you settle on the one that seems to be the most consistent, but not exact.   I still think of TTWD as DD, and probably will for some time, but clearly, there is a march towards a more D/s relationship as evidenced by what I am sharing today.

Our recent Argument marked a transition from Mike taking his lead from me, where he responds to my duties and obligations, to one where he simply takes the lead, and creates my duties and obligations. The bit of irony in this is that a lot of the behaviors Mike exhibits are the same ones I used to call our neighbor a jerk for doing to his wife.  Of course, that was before I knew they had their own version of DD, D/s, M/s going on.  It may sound like I don’t like this transition in Mike, but far from it.  I am just pointing out that bit of irony.  Something I once saw in someone as “jerkiness,” I now see in my husband as loving – and in fact, I want it and crave it from him.

Here’s what happened:

If you’ve read most of journey you know I often refer to this as “My version of DD” and that “my DD” is all about me.  That’s been very true.  Mike has followed my lead when it comes to setting rules and punishments.  It wasn’t lost on me that when I asked him to come up with ideas for the “Attitude Adjustments” that he came up with all of them without my input.  And he didn’t present them as options or in a way that conveyed they were up for discussion.  He just said what they were going to be and that was that.  I really liked that!

What I didn’t like was that he has been very strict with me since implementing those “adjustments.” I’ve received countless more punishments over the last few days and at first began to feel there was an overtone of anger or resentment coming from Mike.    I’ve learned to dismiss those feelings in the past as his intentions have always been nothing more than loving when it comes to our DD.  If you read other stories, hopefully you see just how true that is.  However, it got to the point that it was getting hard for me to dismiss those feelings.

To keep this post short, I created a separate post that gives you an example of the events of the last few days.    Click here to read about those last few days.  
If you want to skip the details (those that like punishment stories should not skip), read on now. If you are returning from reading the details, welcome back!
. . . . .
. . . . .
Mike:  “I was going to wait until your Maintenance Session to explain, but I just couldn’t let you go on feeling what I can see in your eyes that you are feeling.  So, I decided we will have that talk now.”

He said he feels he has “consistently been inconsistent” since we started DD, and part of that is because he was always trying to follow what I explicitly wanted.  Even though the contract gave him a lot of latitude, if there was some behavior that wasn’t explicitly in the contract, he would either let it go, or get clarification from me first.  He said the reason he knew the contract so well was because he read it a thousand times.  He always wanted to make sure he was only doing what I wanted.  He told me that he has come to believe that what I now truly wanted was not for him to just follow my lead, but to actually just lead.  That meant he needed to go beyond just seeing if I failed to meet my own expectations, and then tying MY intended consequence to that transgression.  He had to actually set his own expectations of me and set my consequences.

He explained it best something like this,

“Think of it this way, Jen.   You expect ‘x’ of yourself and if you don’t do ‘x’ you have asked me to deliver the “y” as a consequence.   What did I bring to that event?  Just my body to give a punishment.  Not my mind, not my feelings, not my expectations.  That has worked up until recently, especially because I had no idea what I was doing at first or what it was you really wanted.  But we have both grown to a new level of understanding about what our DD means to us and how to use it, and you have grown to want more service and submission.  I believe in order to truly serve and submit the way you now want and need it, we need to change the equation.  The equation should be, I expect ‘x’ of you and if you don’t do ‘x’ then I deliver whatever “y” consequence I deem appropriate.”

Wow.  Yes, he was asking to lead.  He was asking to be Dominant.

He asked, “So, is that what you want from me?”

“Yes, Sir, absolutely,” I answered enthusiastically.

“So how am I doing,” he asked?

“Wonderfully.” And with a slight pause I added with the tone of a verbal approving wink, “Sir.”

We talked some more and at least for now, no dramatic changes in my rules, just a strict enforcement.  With that he said my “Adjustment” period was over and he said, “That doesn’t mean we get rid of the tack bra.  In fact, I want you to use your sewing and craft skills to make a better one.  That’s your first new order.”

“Yes, Sir!”

Next:  48. Birth of Dom. Back story.  If you didn’t read it, you can read it now!