Tag Archives: D/s

277. Understanding myself and my submission

277

I think if my blog has one consistent lesson, it is this:

Don’t suggest your husband spank you as you may get what you asked for. 

Ha!  No, that’s not it.  It’s this:

Don’t chew ice.

Okay, not that one either, although if the consequences are “chilling” enough, you might not ever chew ice again.   

Alright, maybe the lesson isn’t a lesson, but a question. 

That question is  —  It is more fruitful to understand our emotions and actions than to hate, ridicule, or ignore them?

Aha!  Yes, that’s it!  And maybe there should be a second part to that sentence of, “… and whether you understand them, hate them, or ignore them, a good spanking can cure what ails you.”   LOL!

IT’S ESOTERIC RAMBLE TIME
It’s been a while since I’ve dropped some Jenny-style psycho-babble.   I’ll do my best to try and make this a coherent as possible, as I have a lot of disparate thoughts rolling around my head.  

I was doing some thinking as I am prone to do, trying to come up with one idea or theme that I felt was the predominant thread in my blog.  Sure, it is a blog about Domestic Discipline, but I feel a consistent theme I’ve gone back to time and time again is that we should take the time to understand our emotions and actions.

Another word for this can be self-awareness, but this word can be tricky.  Your awareness of yourself is always limited.  It is limited by, well. . . by your awareness of yourself.  While you can do things to be more aware – complete awareness can not exist (any Buddhist’s out there may respectfully disagree).   To me, what can exist is a better understanding of yourself.  This becomes a constant journey and not a final destination of 100% self-awareness.

And if you are a long time reader, I will flunk you now and send you to the principals office if you can’t answer the question, “And how does one better understand themselves?   It’s all about the “V'” word –  vulnerability.   

WHAT SELF AWARENESS MEANS TO ME
I don’t want to repeat myself as there are probably a dozen posts dedicated to the “V” word and a dozen others that touch on it.  (Beavis:  “Aa-huh. . . she said touch the V.”  If you need a refresher, here’s one post I often find myself referring back to Post 67.

Vulnerability is only the catalyst.  It is not the end-all, be-all.  It is the catalyst that helps me increase my self-awareness.  And if you buy my definition of self-awareness as being  a “better understanding of oneself,” then vulnerability allows me to better understand myself.

This begs the question, What is it about myself that I am trying to understand?”   

I believe it comes down to me trying to answer this question, “What is giving rise to the different feelings I am having?”   I’ve always been highly self reflective, but I have only been fully honest in my reflection for the last 3-4 years.   It can be very difficult as the things that give rise to your feelings can be highly complex and a combination of external influences and things that are just from our own nature.   Navigating that complexity is made even harder due to the many built in bias’ we all have. 

Here’s a great article on bias.   While not tied to self-awareness, it gives a great lesson on the bias’ we all have.   The point this article helps make is that if you don’t take time to really question yourself, your motives, your feelings, your reactions, you likely will never get to the root of what gave rise to them.  You will discount/ignore any “bad” or unhealthy motivations and assume only the “good” or positive motivations applied to you. Thus transformation/growth is not possible, and ultimately happiness and fulfillment will allude you.  

My drive to try and understand myself comes from a perspective of boiling life down to two choices:

  1. Understand your emotions and let that understanding be transformative and manifest themselves in positive ways. 
  2. Suffer your emotions – hate them, ridicule them, or ignore them, and let them manifest themselves in negative ways.     

And recently I added a third part to this:

3. Understand that #1 and #2 can also apply to those you allow into your life re “understand their emotions or suffer their emotions.” 

If you strive for #1 as I do, keep in mind that if you have done #2 for too long, you may need professional help to break out of it.  That’s the core of what a psychologist and psychiatrist does – it is about helping you understand your emotions.  Doing so requires you to be honest (vulnerable) to them and pour out all your “truths” to them.  Or, you can just be vulnerable to your significant other and let them spank you.  lol

Thus, I am compelled to try and understand my thoughts and emotions behind Active submission vs Passive submission which I wrote about in Post 275.

ACTIVE SUBMISSION?
I think I used the word “Active” because up until recently, practically all my submissive acts were caused by me.  The motivation of those acts were borne in me.  They flowed from within me, and flowed out of me. 

PASSIVE SUBMISSION?
Contrast that with “Passive.”   That is where I find my submissive acts are becoming only partially from me or even not all from me.  That is, they are requirements of Mike to which I am willing to meet.

Both are worthy submissive acts.  Both are fulfilling.  One is not better than the other.  They are like water from a different well.   There is no substantial reason they are different.  But emotions are typically not reasonable.  It is in the emotions where you find the difference.   

If  you are a submissive, it doesn’t matter if you more closely identify as Active vs Passive.  There is no right or wrong way, or even an absolute.  You can be half-and-half, or lean a little, or completely, one way or the other.  It isn’t about what I have come to understand about my emotions.  It is about what you discover when you come to understand yours.   Of course, this is my blog so I will talk about what I’ve come to understand fro mine.

POWER EXCHANGE IS ABHORRENT?
I’ve written that I am finding passive submission is as equally rewarding as active.  As I am beginning to understand it better, the truth is, at least for now, it isn’t!    Passive submission is MORE rewarding to me.  I think the reason has to do with power, and as a submissive, I thrive in giving up power to my husband.

As humans, I think we are wired to derive joy from power.  It’s what makes wanting to be submissive so counter-culture (Post 27. Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission).   It doesn’t have to be overwhelming power, unless you are an egotistical, unstable, self-absorbed narcissist, but enough about Trump.  It can be as simple as the power of persuasion. Think of the little shot of joy we all get when someone “likes” a post.  It’s like, yeah, at a minimum, I persuaded them to consider what I had to say.   

Whatever it is, it is human nature to derive joy from power.   If you agree, then the antithesis of this is that there is sadness when power is diminished.  Thus, if we lose influence, lose certain controls, it is human nature to become sad.

Therefore — now stick with me — whatever increases our power makes us happy and we value those things as being “good.”  And whatever decreases our power make us sad and we value those things as being “bad.”   

Thus – a person who voluntarily gives up power must be sad, bad, and violating  human nature.   It is only natural to conclude that Domestic Discipline or a Dominant/submissive relationship is abhorrent.   

But for a submissive, there is no joy in retaining and demonstrating power.  It’s more clear said in the positive  — for a submissive, there is joy when power is given away. 

Clearly a submissive defies our natural instinct to enjoy power.   I find it odd that society looks down upon someone who gives up so much power, and looks up to someone who craves total power – even abusing that power along the way.   It is the power-hungry who destroy lives, oppress and harm people for inhumane reason simply because they can.  Far from submissives being “abhorrent,” there is something wrong with those who derive all their joy from power…and that goes for people who idolize (and vote) those that do so.  Deplorables indeed!  I digress. 

Like most things, this is not an absolute.  It is not a choice between “all powerful” and “completely powerless.”   I do not seek to be completely powerless.  I have a voice and I have influence over Mike.  But by evolving from my active submission to my passive submission, I have given up more power.  And that was the final step in reaching the level of submission I was looking for.   

IN CONCLUSION
I’ve been fulfilled each step of our DD journey.  And every step was critical to allowing me to reach this destination point in my journey.  I’ve stated before that when we started, I would have never accepted the level of submission I was at a year into our DD, or two years into it, or now, three-and-a-half years into it. 

I’ve been fortunate in that it seems like I have always had the level of submission that I needed at the time. I believe it is because I remained vulnerable to Mike, and he to me, and we’ve cherished being completely open and honest with each other and most importantly, with ourselves.  It’s about taking time to reflect and trying our best to understand our emotions and actions, and the emotions and actions of each other, rather than hate, ridicule, or ignore them.  

Here’s a quote I found that connects the importance of honesty in D/s.  It is from Byron Cane: 

D/s is a true partnership between equals who find things they both enjoy in a loving, respectful and most importantly, honest relationship with full knowledge, consent and trust.

Next: 278. Spanksome before you threesome

276. “My submission” becomes “His Dominance”

276

You’ll want to read the prior post as this picks up where that left off.    Once again, a post filled with arcane thoughts rolling around in my head.  

I WANTED HIM TO FEEL DOMINANT
I’ve had very few punishment spankings the last several months.   I’ve been an extremely compliant submissive!   I was looking forward to the Maintenance spanking with the thought that I’d like Mike to spank me hard.   In addition to just “needing it,” it was the perfect opportunity  – J was away and not to return for a week.  We not only didn’t need to worry about any noise, but I had time for marks to heal.      

I remember telling myself I shouldn’t wish for such a thing since we were starting Immersion the next day.  Surely it will be filled with spanking and assorted physical demands.  But I told myself that those would all be in the context of Immersion.  I wanted one in the context of our “everyday” domestic discipline.  Make sense?  Of course not, but such is the mind of this submissive!

I didn’t say anything to Mike, so I was pleasantly surprised when he used the cane as hard as he did.  (again, refer to prior post for the details of that spanking).  Perfect!  Just what I was hoping for.  And when he repeated it the first time – it was surprising but a perfect surprise!   But the third time?  Then the extra hard ones at the end?   Not what I had in mind.   But something in my head flipped.   Actually, two things flipped

One – I had this feeling of being dominated.  I’ve never felt that.  Instead of me being and feeling submissive, this spanking gave me a feeling of being dominated.   There is a difference.  In that moment this new feeling of being dominated cascaded over me and I loved it and wanted more.   

Two – I had a sense that Mike was feeling dominating.  I’ve never sensed that.  And in that flash of a moment I felt some shame.  Shame in being selfish in my submission.  Up to that point, I always thought of our DD as revolving around my submission.  For the first time, I was seeing it, feeling it,  based fully on Mike’s dominance.   Again, sounds subtle, but the difference is significant.    

And I loved it.  I wanted to feel every ounce of his dominance and wanted to sense every bit of dominance he was feeling.  Thus my request to repeat the caning.

The amount of pain was surpassed by the amount of pleasure.  It was like a whole new sensation for me.  It’s been years since a spanking evoked a new feeling, let alone one this intense and satisfying.  

HE WANTED TO DOMINATE
Afterwards when we talked, Mike said the most amazing thing.  Now remember, I hadn’t said a thing to him about what was going through my head.  Mike said, “Gosh Jen, when we started I planned on just the typical amount for a Maintenance, maybe a little harder, but not more strikes.  Then, I just had this need to give you more, then more, and more again.  Something told me I needed to really get your attention and demonstrate I am in charge.  I don’t know where that came from.  Are you okay?”   

As we talked, it basically came down to a change in Mike in that moment.   Instead of me being his submissive, he wanted to be my Dominant.   He was feeling the exact same thing I was!  It is a spooky coincidence.  Consider that we adopted Domestic Discipline three and half years ago and simultaneously arrived at this need for a monumental shift in our thinking.   Really amazing – at least to me.

He said he felt he needed to give a meaningful Maintenance to instill that Dominance.  There wasn’t anything going on that made him feel like his dominance had been slipping, or that my submission had been lacking.  Far from it, we both have been very happy with where we were.  But, clearly there was something in our subconscious that recognized a need to change the dynamic.   And we amazingly had this “thing” erupt from us at the same time.  It’s more amazing than cumming together!  LOL!

MIKE IS A DOM
With Mike fully recognizing and acknowledging the need to feel Dominant, I suddenly felt the final piece of the puzzle click in.   Coupled with all that I shared previously about “passive submission” I knew I finally arrived.  I was at the level of submission I was always seeking.

This wasn’t a journey to be more submissive for him, it was a journey to be his submissive.   

I’ve touched on that theme before.  I sort of sensed this last October, leading up to our new Agreement.  I even posted about it – Post 171.  Submissive to Mike or Mike’s submissive?  But it took ten months to really get connect with that feeling and both both of us to recognize it’s where we want to be.   Previously, my submission flowed from my desire to be submissive.  Now it flows from my desire for Mike to be my Dominant.   My DD is truly no longer mine.  

I AM CONCEITED – ANOTHER EPIPHANY
There were other contributing factors to my writing funk.  Another is that I was feeling like I sort of betrayed my prior writings.  All the stuff about “My DD” and being the one in control of my dynamic – and now this revelation?  I just felt like a different “DD Jenny,” and in some ways wasn’t unique or special.  As if I was special for doing DD “my way” versus Mike’s way.  I know that sounds so conceited, but I am being honest.

I know that  all the things I’ve learned along the way have contributed to, and were absolutely necessary ,to get me where I am today.  Every experience and emotion shared was authentic and true in that moment.   And who is to say it won’t continue to evolve?   Maybe even devolve back to “My DD.”   I don’t see that happening, but I didn’t see this happening either.

So yeah, that sounds rational, but emotions are rarely rational.  And like I wrote in Post 33, emotions reveal your true essence.  And as part of this epiphany I realize  how conceited and self-centered I can be.  I’ve always sort of known it, but tried to justify it as a positive trait.  It’s probably what makes me so open and is what gives me my bouts of “verbal diarrhea” as Mike calls it when I feel compelled to share every fleeting thought I have.  It isn’t from a lack of shame or over abundant confidence.  It is because I am vain!   There, I admit it.

It was my self-centered thinking that created the condition my marriage was in pre-DD.  It was my self-centered thinking that got us into DD as this was 100% my idea and was started 100% on my terms.   Sure, it all worked out, but unlikewhore,vain is not a term I want to own.

Thus, my new journey in submission is to be the sub that Mike wants me to be, not the sub I want to be.   Sort of a chicken-and-egg thing because the sub I want to be is the sub Mike’s wants me to be.   But unlike the chicken/egg conundrum,  in this case, we know what comes first – Mike!    Yes, there is some balance in order for it to work, but the scales will be tipped less towards me and more towards Mike.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME
As monumental as I made all this out to be, the reality is, nothing has changed except my perception.    Even though it feels very comfortable and “perfect” to both me and Mike, our dynamic is still a journey.   It’s now had the benefit of three and half years of being on this trek, so the scenery is familiar, the path is more clear, and there are fewer unknowns.

We follow our typical routines and rules and nothing notable is different.  Mike has said he is very happy where things are and if he feels his dominant mindset is in need of a boost,  he wouldn’t necessarily look to my butt as the remedy!   Much like I would verbalize my need for more submission, he will do the same regarding any need for Dominance.  The result of which is that I may very well offer my butt as remedy!   Hee-hee.   Although I probably shouldn’t laugh as that statement is not rhetorical. 

NEXT!!
This all got me thinking.  I am long overdue for posting an esoteric ramble!  I am already thinking of a doozy!    I’ve been searching deep within myself to better understand my neediness regarding my new perceptions on submission.   I’ve come up with a theory. 

And hey, if you want to start on your own esoteric ramble, here’s some fodder as this is what I think I will write about next — 

We are better off understanding our emotions and actions versus hating them.

Post 277. Understanding myself and my submission

261. A bit more Kayla

I left a bit of a cliffhanger with inference there is a disturbance in the DD force with Mike and I.  I will get to that in my next post – promise!  I was re-reading my prior posts and felt I left a bit out that I want to add regarding Kayla. 

HOW DOES KAYLA FIT IN TO OUR EQUITY? 
We weren’t looking for a relationship with Kayla, and it wasn’t like we were “needing” it.  But our willingness to continually put our equity into our relationship means our relationship is open to so many new and wonderful things.

To re-visit my prior analogy, our marriage is not a closed box containing the two of us, it has a door and windows, and if someone rings the doorbell, we check out who it is.  Maybe, just maybe, they get invited in.  Some temporarily, like John, Donna, and Matt.  Some..or make that one, stay indefinitely, like Kayla.

And what does it mean to have Kayla as part of my relationship with Mike….well, not just a relationship, but a marriage?

We both feel strongly connected to Kayla.  She is part of us. “Us” in my marriage is three.  I shared some of the things we have done to further “bond” her to “us.”  Here are a few more things –

SOME SIMPLE THINGS
Public displays of affection — holding hands, putting arms around each other, or even the quick little pecks on the lips.  Yeah, they happen, whether Mike and her, or me and her, or the three of us.  Pda’s can happen, but generally aren’t in our nature, so not a lot of that, but, they aren’t forbidden.  Both Mike and I try to do it a little more with Kayla, as it is a simple gesture to show her we aren’t hiding her.

It also isn’t uncommon you hear us use various terms of endearment here and there… a “luv” here, a “babe” there, or even a “sweetie” at times.  Any one of us may be directing it at any one else.  It has even been a bit funny when someone says something and throws in a “babe” and the other two are like, “which babe are you talking to?”

SOME SEXY THINGS
Of course there is also the sex.  Kayla sleeps in our bed all the time now.  Sex is an every night thing.  Sometimes it can be more Mike and Kayla or more Mike and me, or more Kayla and I…it simply is whatever it evolves to be for the night.  I do love watching the two of them.  There are times I tell Mike I am fine with just the two of them having sex and I will just watch and masturbate.

We still have our one night a week alone with Mike.  Kayla or I sleep in the guest room on alternate weeks on the nights the other one has their date night with Mike.  Mike occasionally gives Kayla and I our own night out as well and he sleeps in the guest room.  It’s nice we all get to pair up and have our own one-on-one time.  We also all three go out on occasion when we have someone to stay with J.

SOME FURNITURE THINGS
And as part of her moving her things into our room, we went shopping this week for new sheets and bedspread and we let her pick it out.  We also got a new dresser that better compliments our decor so that Kayla could move all of her stuff into our room.  Another little thing we did is that instead of  “Kayla’s dresser” and “Jen’s dresser,” we alternated the drawers such that some of our stuff is in each dresser.  No “her’s” and “mine.”

Lastly we made room for her knick-knacks and some pictures.  Overall the feel is probably still a bit more Mike’s and I age, but it clearly has a Kayla touch.

SOME D/s THINGS
I find happiness in Kayla’s happiness and in all her
growth and happiness our relationship has brought her.   Further, I am so proud of Mike of finding it within himself to be able to give Kayla what she needs and desires – even when those things differ from what I need and desire.  It can’t be easy to deal with two women who have different needs – but it sure helps when, in our case, the two women share a #1 need of pleasing him.

Their D/s has continued to evolve and has a lot more M/s elements to it.  I joke that Kayla doesn’t breath without Mike’s permission.  That’s an obvious overstatement, but, there isn’t much she can do without his permission or command.  From speaking when he is around, to eating, to using the restroom – you can pretty much name it.  

EQUITY IN OUR MARRIAGE
Overall our “open” marriage means we were open to all the things that we have subsequently experienced since adopting DD. 

  • Open to people – obviously the deep relationship with Kayla, and the sexual/friendship relationships with John, Donna, and Matt. 
  • Open to life –  Our recent adoption of nudism is a good example of us finding something we weren’t even looking for.

EQUITY FOR KAYLA?
How does Kayla feel about her relationship with Mike and I?  I shared that she is happy and fulfilled, but what specifically does she find fulfilling.  I asked her.

In Mike – she admits there is a bit of a fulfilling father-figure to him.  His intense interest in who she is and how she feels, and his eagerness, not just willingness, to focus on her needs.  She felt these things even when she was a little girl, and those feelings ended up serving as the foundation for her puppy love to become amorous and more.

She loves serving him, and craves his approval.  At first it devastated her when he disapproved of something (punished her).  That’s why she use to be a big crier.  But she quickly learned that the thrill of doing better, serving him better, and being the person she desires to be, all make the punishments worth it.  She learned they didn’t mark a failure as much as mark an opportunity. 

She still tends to be a bit of crier, but she says her tears are different.  They are often out of immense thankfulness and joy.  A recognition that she is worthy of his guidance, expectations, and love.  I know that phrase probably sickens those who are unfamiliar with DD or D/s.  But I completely understand why she feels that way. 

In me – Kayla also admits I serve a a bit of a mother figure to her, more so than she says Mike serves as a father figure.  Probably because she feels a bit closer to her own father than her own mother.   Kayla says she yearned for a mother figure. Someone to show pride when she did well, give unconditional acceptance, even when she did “dumb shit” as she puts it.  Someone who cares when she suffered and who not only made efforts to help her feel better, but whose efforts actually succeeded in doing so.

Yeah, basically all the stuff a mom would do, she said she got that from me. And like with Mike, those things preceded our “adult’ relationship.  We were those things to her when she was 11, 12, 13, etc.  Again, all serving as a foundation for a love that eventually turned amorous.      

And just to clarify, Kayla said while she feels “let down” by her parents, they were not abusive in the typical meaning of the word.  Numb, not caring, not nurturing, yes – so she feels fortunate they were not abusive other than the abuse of disinterest.

WHAT NEXT?
Who knows what’s next…or even if there is a next.  But whether or not there is, or whatever it may be, I know we are receptive to exploration – so much so that if only one of us wants to explore, they are free to do so, without the others.

I believe the roles, responsibilities, and relationships that Mike and I have, with each other and with others, is highly equitable.  But, what if Mike or I wanted something that wasn’t equitable?   See that?  A nice segue into what I alluded to in the prior post regarding DD sympatico. . .  Next post, I promise!

248. Secret Ingredients Revealed

248

If you thought I could end my last post the way I did and move on to something else, you must be new here.   I was dying to elaborate!  And in doing so, I’ll share two of the secret ingredients that I feel helped Mike and I flourish in Domestic Discipline.

My last post shared several “trivial” things for which I was punished.  Early on in our DD it was these “trivial” things where Mike had the most difficulty.  He didn’t want to be seen as being mean.  Even with me telling him it was okay and that it was what I wanted, it took time for him to be convinced.  I don’t think that is out of the ordinary for a DD dynamic that began at the wife’s behest.

But frankly, early on, I also had difficulty with accepting discipline for these “smaller” indiscretions for all the reasons I wrote on my post before last (in the “Smells Like Jens Spirit” section).  

INGREDIENT ONE:  CONSISTENCY
I hear sometimes from people who are struggling with adopting DD.  I remind them that I didn’t start from where Mike and I are today.  We had to go through a process of learning and accepting our roles.  It didn’t just happen over night, but what helped us immensely was a commitment to consistency.

I was extremely fortunate as a newbie sub, in that, while not perfect, Mike was highly consistent from the start.  He put aside his reservations and just “went for it” as he puts it.   He would overcome his hesitancy by telling himself, “Well, this is what she said she wanted.”  

Mike was extremely fortunate as a newbie Dom in that, while not perfect, I was highly consistent from the start. I put aside my reservations and just trusted my instincts.  Those same instincts that gave me my DD epiphany.

When you both adopt a firm commitment to consistency, it helps you overcome your doubts and anything that may cause you to otherwise hesitate (such a the things I shared in 246. Subconsciousness of Wrong).  Over time it all became more natural to us and more fulfilling and second nature for us.  Mike is a wonderfully consistent Dom and, if I do say so myself, I am a very consistent submissive.

INGREDIENT TWO:  COMMUNICATION
Our commitment to consistency was backed by our commitment to frequent, open, honest, and
complete transparency in communicating our thoughts, dreams, and desires.

What’s tricky about this ingredient is that it isn’t an ingredient by itself.  It is a compound that is formed from lots of other ingredients.  The primary one being, you guessed it, vulnerability.   Showing all your vulnerabilities and accepting all of your partners vulnerabilities requires love, trust, compassion, empathy, respect, understanding, and host of other ingredients.  And guess what, you can’t just feel those things towards your partner.  You have to feel them towards yourself – and that is even more difficult. 

Love your partner?  Trust them?  Respect, empathize, etc, etc?  No problem.  Now, love yourself?  Trust yourself?  Respect yourself?   Humm, sometimes that’s really difficult.

Yeah, getting all those mixed into the powerful “communication” recipe is not easy.  You may be great in some, and need work in others, and if any aren’t “just right” then it will show in how fulfilling your final baked product is.

And both Mike and I agree that our Maintenance Sessions were invaluable in the successful development of our DD.  Not only are they phenomenal communication tools, but they aided early on in making our commitment to consistency easier.  Knowing that we were never more than six days away from discussing our concerns, allowed us to worry less about what happened in between those six days, giving us confidence to do what was necessary to be consistent in applying and accepting discipline.

Ultimately, communication comes back to vulnerability.  I won’t repeat all my thoughts on vulnerability, other than to say it is the most elusive yet most powerful ingredient in any relationship, DD or otherwise.  (several posts on Vulnerability are linked in FINDING MY HAPPINESS section of my Shortcuts).

And getting this recipe right is not a destination.  It is the proverbial journey.  It’s never perfect, and perfection can not be the goal.   Progress, not perfection!

MIKES PERSPECTIVE
Mike has told me that once he fully understood what I wanted — not just heard me say it, but understood it in his mind and soul – he found it easy to be consistent.  And what helped him understand it was my consistent feedback to him – especially when I would thank him.  He said he desperately needed my approval and gratitude.  Without it, he believes he would still be struggling with consistency.   And THAT is why a sub giving thanks is part of my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline.

And the other part of my golden rule is for the Dom to give the sub praise, and I told Mike that his praise was equally as valuable as my thanks was to him.  He never fed into my own “consciousness of wrong.”  He was always supportive, praising my efforts and my commitment to “finding myself.”

I realize Mike is Mike.  Everyone is different.  There are newbie Doms who don’t need such reassurance, and newbie subs who don’t need such praise.  Thus, while I believe the basic ingredients of my recipe can help improve all relationships, D/s or vanilla, the mix of those ingredients must be based on what works for each individual person and couple.  And you can’t figure out that mix if you don’t communicate.  So if you are looking where to start, start with communication.

MIKE LIKES TO DOMINATE ME
Mike told me that he realizes now that 
he enjoys the power and influence over me.  He didn’t always feel that way.  Just as I had to overcome my “subconsciousness of wrong,” so did Mike.  Just as society tends to view my submissiveness as a defect, they view Dominance as mean at best, brutal at worst. And those views once weighed on him. 

Even for those who accept D/s, I sense that there is a tendency to more readily accept the joy the submissive gets from being submissive than there is to accept the joy the Dom gets from being dominant.  Somehow the latter is more likely to be deemed as inappropriate.  Submission is soft, beautiful, vulnerable, evoking empathy.  Dominance is hard, brutal, and invulnerable, evoking disdain.  That’s unfair. 

It took Mike a long time to admit he enjoys disciplining me.  As he explained it, he misconstrued enjoyment as being a preference; meaning a preference to spank me, find reasons to do it, lookto do it above all else, delighting in my pain.  No, it is NOT any of that. It is not a preference he has.  But, he does enjoy it.

I can enjoy my submission, not because of the pain, but because it represents fulfillment, joy, and pleasure in my oneness with Mike. Yet, somehow we want to deny the Dom from enjoying his Dominance for the fulfillment, joy, pleasure in his oneness with the sub.  The truth is, Mike can enjoy it.  And he does.  It’s not a preference to the act of discipline.  It is simply my preference to be submissive and his preference to be Dominant.

TRIVIAL THINGS
So back to the topic that started this rant.  When it comes to “trivial” things for which I am punished – there really is no such thing.  A failure in a commitment is a failure in a commitment, no matter how small or large.  While t
he significance of the failure may influence the type of discipline, it should never influence whether or not I am disciplined. 

Not every transgression requires a physical punishment.  Sometimes sufficient discipline is simply Mike’s disapproval – a verbal discipline.  Mike sometimes gives me a warning when he believes my actions are inappropriate or teetering on the edge – but a warning is not the same as ignoring – and frankly, sometimes his disapproving words are as powerful as a smack on the bottom.

Consistency is sacred.  It is more important to be consistent than to give thought to ignoring a transgression.  And if you agree with that, then remember what it takes to be consistent. . . communication.  And what does it take to have great communication? All that stuff I already wrote about.

Experiment with your own recipe using my ingredients.  See what wonderful things you and your partner can create for your relationship. 

Next: 249. Sometimes Reminders don’t have to be Spankings

232. Our Final “outing”

We told our middle child about our relationship with Kayla and a bit more about our dynamic.  If that wasn’t enough, we shared our plans to meet E’s family at a naturist resort, likely in June.   

WHAT WE SAID RE KAYLA
We simply said that our relationship has evolved such that he would likely best understand it as a polyamory thing.  I didn’t explicitly say it was sexual, but it was very clearly understood as you will soon read.

We told him we wouldn’t be hiding our relationship from anyone — not that we would shout it from the rooftops, but we wouldn’t go out of our way to hide it. 

WHAT WE SAID RE D/s
We had already shared the basics back in December and he was able to see it in practice, so he pretty much gets the picture.  We added was that Kayla was part of this “deferring to, and service to”, his dad.  We also injected the word “accountable” which I don’t think we had used before.  He didn’t ask in what ways we are accountable to his dad and that’s fine by me.  We wanted him to have a general understanding and it seems to us that he does.  If he asks more questions later, we will answer them.   

WHAT WE SAID RE NUDIST RETREAT
We brought up the opportunity to meet E’s family by having a family vacation along with them at a resort, likely in early June… and, that it was a nudist resort. 

We talked about meeting E’s cousin’s family who were practicing nudists.    We shared with him that we partook in the clothing free option.  We explained we aren’t planning to be clothes free around the house, but that there may be more nudity as we also may not rush to wear clothes.  He connected the dots back to his experience of seeing Kayla naked. 

T2 REACTS RE KAYLA
He said he basically already knew – sort of!   Turns out, one his friends is the brother of Michaud’s roommate.

T2 never met Michaud, but has met the roommate.  By chance the group of them were talking about relationships and the roommate mentioned Michaud dating a “poly” girl who was also in a relationship with an older couple.  The roommate mentioned her name – Kayla – but at the time T2 didn’t think it was the Kayla he knew. 

When T2 eventually learned that Kayla was dating someone named Michaud, he immediately connected everything, including the fact the “older couple” was likely his parents!  He didn’t say anything to anyone…as he didn’t know what to say nor really want to know more.

T2 tends to be pretty reserved.  He will say what is on his mind but you have to work at prying it out.    We weren’t expecting much behind a nod and an “okay,” but he actually asked a lot of engaging questions – more than T1 asked us when we told him.  This was welcomed but was also surprising.

T2 bluntly said, “So, you all have sex and everything like a typical relationship?”   Our answer was a simple, “Yes, we do.”  He said it was “Pretty wild,” and “a lot to process,” but it didn’t bother him.  He joked he didn’t know he had such “trendy” parents.

I told him it wasn’t about trying to be in vogue. Things just evolved and we didn’t feel it was necessary to suppress our feelings.  While the desire not to suppress our feelings may be helped by increasing social acceptance, social views are not what created our love and affection.  We also apologized for not saying something sooner as part of reason for telling him was so that he didn’t find out some other way.

He did ask the, “isn’t she young for you guys” question… although his version was, “aren’t you old for her?”   He was more interested into what the appeal was for Kayla, which she answered.  She reminded him of her lifelong attraction to people older than her and the affection she has always felt from and towards us became something much deeper.  She said that perhaps it is the age difference that allows her to connect to us in a way she can’t with anyone else.  

He did ask about the long-term plans and we all admitted that those were up in the air and would evolve however they are meant to evolve. Oh, and he asked me if this means I was bisexual and have I always been that way.  Very pointed questions I wasn’t expecting, but I was happy to answer.   Yes, and yes, with the caveat it was something I haven’t explored since college.  

T2 REACTS TO D/s
He didn’t react beyond an “okay.”  We weren’t anticipating much here since he had been witness to my more subservient role in the household.

T2 REACTS TO NUDIST RETREAT
It wasn’t a complete shocker.  T1 had told him before that E’s family “used to vacation at a nude resort growing up.” (mild understatement to say the least).  T2 took it to mean as a one-off thing, not an actual lifestyle.  So he was a little surprised, but not that much and gave it his typical well thought out and elaborate response of “Cool.”  

He was “game” for attending if his work situation allows it.  That was great to hear — we were thinking it was 50/50 as to whether or not he would be open to going.  The shocker was he asked if he could bring his girlfriend.  Now that was awkward for us!

TABLES TURNED
Here we are expressing our “progressive” lifestyle regarding our relationships, plus we already having T1 living with his girlfriend (now fiancée) — yet, we were hesitant to have T2’s girlfriend along.  What of the sleeping arrangements?   I am fine with them having sex (which they have had), but, having her share a room with him makes me feel like I am somehow facilitating it.   T2 just turned 22.

Of course, when Mike said it felt a bit “creepy” to him, T2 was quick to add in jest, “You mean, like mom and dad sleeping with the babysitter?”   Touché

This led to a very frank discussion about a variety of things.  T2 shared some stuff about his prior relationship (he dated his last girlfriend for a long time), stuff about himself, and his outlook on relationships, etc.   It was all a good family bonding experience and at times, probably a bit “creepy” for all of us.  

In the end, we agreed that if he is able to come, is girlfriend is welcomed.  T said he doesn’t have any qualms about asking her, but that she may not want to or be able to attend.  We shall see. 

And in fact, apparently we shall see an awful lot!  Ha.  That’s a nudist joke in case you missed it.  

IN CONCLUSION
It went well, which I expected, but it went even better than any of us expected.  We are all feeling very good and very excited about being more ourselves around friends and family.   Technically this isn’t our “final outing” as we have other family members to deal with regarding our relationship with Kayla.  But the kids were defintely the priority and the most meaninful for us.  The others will come in time and frankly, while we obviously prefer acceptance, their reactions are less important to us.

Next: 233. Meet the Nudies

194. Primal Scream!

194


CAME OUT
In Post 132 I wrote about being with a group of my girl friends and telling them that Mike and I had “this couple”  (John and Donna), with whom we would swap and have sex with.  I didn’t tell them about my submission at that time.  My revelation was still contrary to the agreement Mike and I have so I was subsequently punished.  

BEING OUT
Our new Contract marks a phase of a bit more openness with our submission.  I am very submissive to him even in public.  I’ve found most people are oblivious or just don’t care.  A rare wrinkled eyebrow or wide-eyed look.  I actually enjoy answering a waiter or waitress with, “My sir will choose my order for me.”  I often think that they assume his name must by Mycer.  Ha. 

COMING OUT
Around family, I tone it down a little, but not much.  We anticipate with the holidays approaching our two older sons will be around us quite a bit.  We will probably have some explaining to do.   We are prepared to talk with them, albeit at a high level.  I don’t have concerns about it.  I expect bewilderment, but they’ll accept it and move on.  

We really do need to tell them because we want to make sure they hear it from us.  Another recent change is that Mike has allowed Kayla to tell anyone she wants.  The caveat being not just shouting it out for now reason, but if she is questioned, she is to answer truthfully.  Mostly just yes/not stuff, not like a complete download on everything involved in our relationship and her dynamic.  

By the way, I have an upcoming luncheon with my “gal pals.” I asked Mike if , for this luncheon, I could be subject to the guidelines he gave to Kayla.  They already know about our “swinging,” and if the conversation came up again, I want to be able to honestly answer questions about that and even DD, D/s. Mike said he would allow it.  Knowing these friends as I do, I can guarantee it will come up. 

ROSE COLORED GLASSES
I’ve written before about explaining my dynamic to my sisters (Post 116 and Post 121).   I was recently talking with my sister, the one who reads my blog, and she observed that I seem to put such a happy and joyful “spin” on my discipline.  I told her it was not spin.  I do find happiness and joy in it.   She said, “I get it, but come on, all the time?”

Hum.  I know I’ve shared some of the challenges on my blog.  I think I’ve been fair and showing it is not always never-ending joy.  There are some pit stops along the joyful path and I believe I share the ones that have the most impact on the journey.  But it got me thinking.  In reviewing my posts, especially the more resent ones, I have to agree with sis.   I have a bias towards sharing the good.  But that’s mainly because there has been so much good lately.  But even if there’s some down spots, so what?  It’s my blog and I’d rather share the triumphs, not the tragedies. 

Well sis, I’ll take those rose-colored glasses off for a moment and see what it is I can see.

FREAKING OUT
I know I’ve shared before that there are a lot of inconveniences in this dynamic.

Here’s one.  We keep robes in our closet by our front door since Kayla and I are naked most of the time.  We need quick access to cover if someone comes knocking.  I’ve gone to get the robe only to realize I put it in the wash. I run quickly, naked through the house to my closet to find something I throw on.

And strictly adhering to all the rules and scheduling can be stressful when you are having “one of those days” where, despite your best efforts, the surprise-gods keeps challenging your adherence.  And the journals?  I got into the habit of carrying sticky notes and a pen with me so I can jot down things that I need to put in my journal.  Oh but wait, I CAN’T CARRY IT AROUND. I am naked!   Where did I put that notepad? Where’s a pen?  By the time I find it, several more unsubmissive thoughts come to mind that I now need to write down. Let alone the self-reported acts of disobedience.  Like I am not spanked enough?  

And what is with the very hard spankings with the same implement over and over?  Mike tends to alternate his go-to implement, but it’s time to go to the next one in the rotation.  His current favorite is a beast! It hurts, and he is striking hard.  While Mike is delivering fewer spanks, they are way harder than before.  What, he doesn’t want to be bothered a few extra minutes to give a more prolonged, but lower impact, spanking? 

Okay, I will admit there is an upside to that.  I know exactly what I am in for when I disobey.  While the unknown can be unsettling and add to the anticipation that feeds my submissive mindset, sometimes the known can have the same impact.  Knowing what he is going to use and how hard it is going to be also adds anticipation that feeds my submissive mindset.  So i guess it is a win-win, but still, can we change it up a little?What’s happened to the tack bra or various other alternative punishments?   

And all these soapings.  Any act of disobedience that involves something I say now results in a soaping.   I get the connection. The words came from my mouth, let’s clean your mouth.  Okay, that was clever the first half-dozen times.  And the pee rinse and drink? Isn’t that just a bit excessive?  

And really, I get that I want to submit fully, without exceptions. But at times it feels like Mike is looking for reasons versus just dealing with the things that are obvious.  Yes, I get a tickle in my submissive mindset and nether-regions when Mike is so authoritarian and demanding, but still, my butt needs a break.  

And doesn’t Mike realize that many skirts and dresses require special washing or drying instructions? I can’t always throw them in the washer or dryer without risk of  ruining them.  Hand wash or wash separately?  Tumble dry low or hang to dry?  I can’t spend all day doing laundry.   

Oh, and “gracefulness.” Oh my, gracefulness. Really?  I can’t even sit and relax without thinking, “Watch your posture,” Don’t cross at the knees,” “Where do my hands go again?”  Christ, I am just trying to sit down!   

And another thing, putting make up on first thing in the morning?  Sure, I’ve mastered the 4-minute makeup routine, sometimes get it done in three. Here’s a great tip, to look immediately more awake, I apply a nude-colored eye liner directly to my waterline.  — Makeup- Jenny Style!  I digress.   Unless Mike is working from home I see him all of a few minutes in the morning.  All that rush for him?

And finally this weight loss thing.  What?  You think I am fat?  You want me at my “wedding day weight?”  Well bud, I lost about 8 pounds to look like I did on our wedding date. That’s not my baseline weight.  Now I have to lose 18 in three months?  Or what, I get my fat ass spanked?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phew!    That felt good. 

Well sis, how about ‘dem rose colored glasses?   HA!

DISCLOSURE
This post was with the full consent and permission of Mike, my loving Sir. He told me to use my sisters comment as an opportunity to say what I think pre-DD Jenny would have to say about our dynamic.  He felt it would be good to just let it rip and said it would probably match what a lot of vanilla readers think when they read my blog.   

Consider it a parody.  As with all parody’s, there is an element of truth.  Yes, being submissive can be hard. But honestly, I LOVE every one of the things I riled against. I love serving my husband in crazy, extreme ways. I love the challenge, and I love the level of attention it requires.

There is a dichotomy in submission.  Despite the fact it is challenging and requires a lot of attention, it can also be very effortless.  And recently, it has felt that way — effortless.  I think when my DD crossed over from effort to effortless, I knew I achieved the level of submission that was right for me.  The work and attention it requires is now a reflex.  Not a 100% reliable reflex, but still a reflex.  Remember, progress, not perfection!

NEXT: 195. In Memoriam

174. My DD 3.0: Domestic Discipline Contract

Sign
I am proud of my Contract and strongly encourage every couple to codify their obligations to each other, with or without the kink.  The process itself is such an amazing and bonding experience.

Want to see our prior agreement?  Click here

WHY 3.0?
Our first agreement, good for 30 days, was March 17, 2015, followed by our second that was for six months.  Those constitute “1.0” versions of our dynamic.  Our third and much more comprehensive Agreement was for two years, expiring October 17, 2017.  That was our “2.0” version.   Our new Agreement, marking a significant shift in our dynamic, is therefore  “3.0,” and runs through March 17,  2019 (I’ll use another post to share why we picked that date).

I shared tips on how we approached our 2015 contract (Post. 10. My Approach to Our DD Contract), and while those tips still apply, there were different considerations this time.    This was waaaay longer than we intended, but we introduce things that are unfamiliar to us and thus they required more specificity to properly communicate expectations – especially in defining Obedience and what it means to respect Mike as Head of Household.  (oh boy – that section is the longest!)

SIGNING CEREMONY
We call a Renegotiation Session into order, meaning all rules are suspended.  We review and make sure we are both ready to sign.  We then get the existing agreement and we go outside, put it in the barbecue pit, and light it on fire.  We watch it completely burn.  In that moment, our relationship has no written commitment codifying what our DD means to us.  We then go inside and sign the new agreement.

This ceremony symbolizes the new Agreement is not just a continuation of our DD, but a new beginning for our DD.   Sappy I know, but this ritual, like most rituals, is a powerful and uplifting thing for the mind.

Hopefully the formatting is okay as WordPress does some funky things when you cut and paste.  Also, we are signing it tonight and may still find a few typos and things which we will correct before signing.  But here is where it stands as of this posting.  Without further babbling, get out your popcorn and settle in, as this is a long one.

OUR DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE CONTRACT

TABLE OF CONTENTS

I. Purpose
II. Definitions
III. Effective Date, Term, and Renegotiation
IV. General Duties and Obligations
V. Jennifer’s Specific Duties and Obligations
VI. Discipline
VII. Maintenance Sessions
Exhibit A.  Mantras

Whereas Mike and Jennifer voluntarily and without pressure from the other or from anyone else, are entering into a loving, caring, and consensual agreement regarding their obligations to one another for the Purpose stated below.

SECTION I. PURPOSE

Through this Agreement, Mike and Jennifer create a caring, consensual, and fair set of obligations and duties that reinforce their commitments to one another.  This Agreement facilitates Jennifer’s desires to serve Mike in ways that help Jennifer live the life she desires for herself and to allow her to love life, every moment, and every day.

Mike’s statement of intent: Jennifer, I love you without limitation or condition.  I admire and respect all that you do for me and our family.  I commit to always treating you in the manner you want to be treated.  Thank you for the incredible trust and confidence you place in me, and most importantly, for your love.  I intend to consistently adhere to your wishes in helping you be the person you strive to be. 

Jennifer’s statement of intent: Mike, words fail to fully express my thanks and the  joy, admiration, and fulfillment I receive in all you have done and continue to do for me.  I wholeheartedly enter into this Agreement with you as the next chapter in my desire to submit to you.  I look forward to consistently meeting my commitments with your leadership to guide me.  I intend to surrender myself to you because my love, respect, and trust in you is without end.

SECTION II. DEFINITIONS

  1. DISOBEDIENCE:  A violation by Jennifer of her Duties and Obligations. 
  2. DISCIPLINE: A consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience. Other commonly understood terms for such consequences include but are not limited to “punishment,” “penalty,” spanking,” and “reprimand.”   The forms of Discipline are  specified in Section VI.7.  

SECTION III. EFFECTIVE DATE, TERM, AND RENEGOTIATION

  1. TERM: Mike and Jennifer agree to these terms effective October 17, 2018.  These terms remain valid until changed by the Renegotiation Process and subject to the Renegotiation Date.
  2. RENEGOTIATION DATE:  Mike and Jennifer shall meet no later than March 17, 2019 (“Renegotiation Date”), to discuss renegotiation of this Agreement. If the parties are unable to meet by the Renegotiation Date, both parties must mutually agree on an alternative Renegotiation Date.  Any alternative date must be set no later than April 17, 2019.  Failure to meet or renegotiate by that date will result in automatic renewal of the contract under its present terms and the Renegotiation Date will be reset by one full year, to March 17, 2020.  If future Renegotiation Dates do not result in completion of the Renegotiation Process, the contract will continue to automatically renew in one-year increments in perpetuity with the Renegotiation Date date being reset each renewal by one full year.  If either party purposely avoids a Renegotiation, this contract can be terminated with cause by either Jennifer or Mike by April 17, in the year the Renegotiation was avoided.
  3. RENEGOTIATION MEETING:   Mike and Jennifer will  discuss and agree upon any desired changes to this Agreement.  It is not a critique of anyone’s past performance under the Agreement and discussions are focused on what is desired for the future.  Notwithstanding, Jennifer is free to express herself, bound only by Section III of this Agreement.  She begins the Renegotiation Discussions on equal terms as Mike, no longer submissive to him.   Jennifer speaks first to recognizes that she is the author of this Agreement and can consider Mike’s input at her discretion.  If the meeting must continue into a second or subsequent meeting, Jennifer will declare, “This Renegotiating Meeting will continue on {stated date and/or time} and I am once again bound by our existing Agreement.”  Upon that declaration, the Suspension of Agreement ends and this entire Agreement is in full effect until  Mike calls the next Renegotiation meeting to order.  Once the Agreement is signed, Jennifer will then declare, “This Renegotiation Meeting is now over and I am bound by our new Agreement.” 

SECTION IV. GENERAL DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

  1. FOR JENNIFER:  Jennifer shall, at all times, be Honest, Obedient, and Safe in her daily life, and to adhere to all aspects regarding the moral commitments she has made under this Agreement.  It is Jennifer’s expressed and unqualified intent to be accountable to Mike for any and all of her behaviors.  Jennifer shall defer to Mike’s judgement in determining if her behavior is Disobedient and defer to Mike’s judgement in determining proper Discipline.  If Jennifer has any concerns about Mike’s execution of her Discipline, she will respectively discuss it only during Maintenance Sessions.  Jennifer accepts Mike’s commands not because she is any less than Mike, but because Jennifer accepts Mike’s authority over her
  2. FOR MIKE:  Mike shall strive to never hesitate to hold Jennifer accountable for her behavior.  Mike commits to sharing his desires with Jennifer, however prurient, patriarchal, or misogynistic they may be interpreted by Jennifer or others, and Mike will inform Jennifer if he demands her to help fulfill those desires.  When Disciplining Jennifer, Mike will strive to maintain a professional businesslike tone, avoiding a condescending or degrading tone.  This reflects that Mike is in control of both Jennifer and himself.

V.  JENNIFER’S SPECIFIC DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

Jennifer’s Duties and Obligations consist of Honesty, Obedience and Safety.

  1. HONESTY:  Jennifer’s shall always be unquestionably honest with Mike.  Evaluating her honesty is at Mike’s discretion.  Any doubt as to Jennifer’s honesty is sufficient to be labeled as dishonest.  Dishonesty includes embellishment, withholding whole or part of the truth, and failure to share with Mike things he deems important for him to know.
    .
  2. OBEDIENCE:  Includes (1) Respect Mike as Head of Household, (2) Physical Self Care, (3) Emotional Self-Care, (4) Finances.
    1. .RESPECT MIKE AS HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD consists of 10 (ten) components:
      1.  Respectful Tone and Acknowledgement:  Jennifer shall maintain, at all times, whether in public or in private, a respectful tone in speaking to Mike; avoiding a tone that Mike interprets as rude, dismissive, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to him;  responding to Mike with “Yes Sir” or “No Sir” or “Thank you, Sir” as appropriate;  never cuss at Mike.
      2. Promptness:  Jennifer shall do what Mike tells her without hesitation and without body language that Mike may interpret as rude, dismissive, or that conveys that Jennifer is in any way inconvenienced by Mike’s request, or is in any way displeasing to Mike.  This includes  instructions Mike gives on any topic, any time, in any place.
      3. Sexual Obedience:  Mike may demand any sexual or physical act to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Jennifer may use the next Maintenance Session to air her concerns and request any modifications or cessation of a particular act that Mike demanded.  Mike shall comply with Jennifer’s request.  Jennifer must share all sexual thoughts, dreams desires, or fantasies she has.
      4. Homemaker:  Jennifer shall remain joyfulscheduled, and optimized regarding her homemaker duties which include but are not limited to; laundry, dishes, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, ironing, cleaning bathrooms and organization of rooms, drawers, closets, pantry, refrigerator, etc.   
        1. Joyful: Jennifer shall never refer or imply to anyone that her Homemaker duties are a burden or inconvenience. 
        2. Scheduled:  Jennifer shall create, maintain, and adhere to a written schedule of chores, errands, and events and submit the schedule and any changes for Mike’s editing and approval.  The schedule shall include at least one schedule masturbation by Jennifer per Section V.2.3.4  Jennifer will not watch television, talk on the phone, or do anything to otherwise “relax” when the schedule is not complete.  Jennifer is allowed to have the radio on while she performs her duties and can ask Mike’s permission to have the television on.  Jennifer shall not behave in a manner that increases any household chores such as leaving trash on tables or counters, leaving dishes or cups out on end tables, towels on the floor, etc.
        3. Optimized: Jennifer shall research the optimal way to perform various duties, such as folding fitted sheets or any other household task.  She will share such research with Mike and incorporate what she learned, as well as Mike’s preferences, into her methods.
      5. Mantras Jennifer shall begin each morning and end each evening by reciting Morning Mantra or Evening Mantra three times as per Exhibit A.  If Mike is home she will recite it in his presence.   If Mike is not home, she will recite them out loud to herself and text Mike that she has completed her Mantra.  Jennifer’s Morning Mantra shall be the first words she speaks for the day, and her Evening Mantra shall be her last.  If she speaks again that evening, she will again have to repeat her Evening Mantra so that it remains her last spoken words of the day.  Any mistakes or failure to recite the Mantra subjects Jennifer to Discipline.
      6. Availability and Awareness. Jennifer shall let Mike know where she is going to be if she is not home or attending a scheduled event.  She is to provide Mike an appropriate and timely reminder of scheduled events she attends outside the house.  She must keep her cell phone battery charged and have a way for Mike to reach her at any time.  Jennifer shall ask Mike’s permission before doing something that could mean a change in the usual routine or that implies a delay in the performance of her Duties and Obligations.
      7. Permission: Jennifer shall ask Mike’s permission when; leaving the house for other than scheduled errands, faced with decisions regarding her social calendar, such as friends asking her to lunch, when a repairman asks for approval on work to be done, or when family members make a request of her time.  When such decisions are needed she is to let the person know using wording similar to:  “I need to check with my husband.” or, “I’d love to, let me check with Mike.”
      8. Deference:  Consistent with the respectfulness, dutifulness, and obedience that Jennifer desires, Jennifer shall defer to Mike’s judgement on any matter that Mike and Jennifer may disagree on.  She may calmly discuss the matter at a Maintenance Session and any discussion ends when Mike says it ends, and any decision he makes will be accepted by Jennifer. 
      9. Loyalty:   Jennifer shall never complain to others about Mike or her Duties and Responsibilities.  Complaining includes coming across as burdened, frustrated, annoyed, or inconvenienced by Mike or by her Duties and Responsibilities.  Any of Jennifer’s concerns or complaints should be aired only to Mike.   Further, accounts Jennifer provides to others regarding Mike or her Duties and Obligations should always be done in positive terms with reverence and joy.
      10. Quarterly Goals  Every three months Mike shall set a specific goal or assignment for Jennifer that is focused on her inner peace or development as a submissive.   It may take any form Mike requires as accepting any task is part of Jennifer’s development as a submissive. 
    2. PHYSICAL SELF-CARE  consists of four components:
      1. Physical Well-Being:  Jennifer shall look after her physical well-being; bathing, brushing and flossing teeth (no cavities),  maintaining weight acceptable to Mike, exercising to Mike’s satisfaction, going to regular doctor, dental, optometrist, or other medical appointments, taking medications as prescribed, getting the flu shot, maintaining OTC meds (vitamins, etc.), and getting good rest, including adhering to a bedtime prescribed by Mike.
      2. Physical Appearance Jennifer shall maintain a physical appearance pleasing to Mike and subject to all his demands.  These demands include but are not limited to; maintaining hair that is combed, neat, and styled to Mike’s liking, maintaining or attaining a healthy weight, putting on sufficient make up as early in the morning as reasonable, and maintaining pubic hair according to Mike’s wishes, whether that be to partially or wholly shave, trim, shape, or grow out.
      3. Attire:  Jennifer shall be fully nude unless given permission by Mike to the contrary, with Mike’s implied permission whenever children or company is present or expected.  When dressed, whether in public or in private, Jennifer shall dress consistent to Mike demands, including whether or not she is to wear a bra or panties.  Jennifer shall always ask Mike’s permission to remove her nipple piercings.
      4. Gracefulness: Jennifer shall Walk Gracefully, Sit Down Smoothly, and assume a Pretty Sitting Posture, both in public and in private.  Exception:  Section VI.3 applies in lieu of this section 4. Gracefulness regarding her demeanor when being disciplined.
        1. Walk Gracefully:  Jennifer shall glide as she walks, holding her head high, remain vertical from hips up, swing out from hips smoothly, keep stride moderate, point feet in a straight line.  She will not drag or click heels or feet, over swing arms, over reach stride, or drop heels or feet with a thud.  Her head will be up, not slanted to either side, and she will not sway her hips unnecessarily.  
        2. Sit Down Smoothly: When preparing to sit, Jennifer shall touch the back of her knees to the seat of the chair, then, without sticking her buttocks out, gently lower herself keeping erect.  Once lowered, she will smoothly glide back into the chair, avoiding wiggling back into the chair with snake hips. If her skirt needs straightening, she failed to sit down smoothly and can gently and discreetly adjust her skirt as needed, avoiding flinging or flopping it in the air. 
        3. Pretty Sitting Posture:  Jennifer shall keep her ankles together or cross, and shall not cross at the knee.  She is to sit tall, with one hand over the other, either in her lap or just to the left or right.
    3.  EMOTIONAL SELF-CARE Consists of five components: 
      1. FeelingsJennifer shall avoid overextending her time and emotions to other family members or friends. Jennifer shall comply with any demand from Mike regarding decreasing or eliminating her attention on others.  Jennifer shall always share negative feelings she may be having about any person, experience, or subject.  Such negative feelings include but are not limited to anxiety, boredom, irritation, sadness, stress, and jealousy.  Any cussing by Jennifer for any reason at any time will be deemed a failure to properly express her feelings. 
      2. Relationships: Jennifer shall maintain healthy, positive relationships with friends and family.  Jennifer will cutoff from relationships that Mike believes are unhealthy; however, Maintenance Sessions can be used for open and respectful dialogue and Mike must allow Jennifer to make reasonable attempts to improve a questionable relationship before Mike forbids the relationship.
      3. Workload:  Jennifer shall only take on tasks she can handle.  It is at Mike’s discretion to determine if she has taken on too much.  Behaviors Jennifer is known to exhibit when over worked include but are not limited to: missed deadlines, missed appointments, leaving the house without her cell phone or other items needed for that errand, not keeping personal belongings clean and in working order (if broken, repairs must be quickly arranged).  Other indicators are at Mike’s discretion to identify and for Jennifer to self-report as soon as she begins to feel burdened, even if her feeling of burden is in relation to her Duties and Obligations.
      4. Masturbation: Jennifer shall masturbate alone and to climax twice a week not including any demands from Mike that she masturbate.  One masturbation session must be written into her weekly written Homemaker Schedule per Section V.2.1.4.2.
      5. Journaling: Jennifer must maintain a hand written daily journal addressing these topics
        1. Jennifer’s reflection on significant events of the day, including any Discipline she may have received that day. 
        2. Any Disobedient act of Jennifer’s that Mike was not aware of.
        3. Insights into her twice-weekly required masturbations, including details of when, where, how, and for how long she masturbated. 
        4. Detailed account of any sexual activity she had with anyone other than Mike if Mike was not present during the activity.
        5. Points of clarity she is seeking regarding any topic Jennifer wants to address at Maintenance.
      6. Unsubmissive Daily Journal: Separate from the journal per Section V.2.3.5, Jennifer must maintain a hand written journal of any unsubmissive thoughts she had that day
    4. FINANCES: Jennifer  shall keep within her budget and never make household purchases beyond basic necessities, as defined by Mike, such as food and toiletries without Mike’s permission, regardless of the cost of the item.  If something needs to be returned, she is to promptly return it.  She is not leave lights on in a room if she is the last to exit and she is not to waste water or any household materials.
  3. SAFETY consists of the following:
    1. RISK OF ACCIDENT, INJURY, OR THEFT: Jennifer shall not engage in activities that increase the risk of accident or injury to herself or others.  This includes but is not limited to any traffic violations whether ticketed or not, leaving a pan on the stove, texting while driving, using the cell phone in other than hands free while driving, or unsafe activities such as leaving things on the floor that present a trip hazard (whether or not anyone actually has tripped), or standing on a ladder without someone being there for support. Further, if Jennifer breaks something, Mike will determine if it was reasonable to assume her action could have led to the breakage.  Jennifer shall never run out of gas while driving, shall make sure the house is locked when she leaves it unoccupied, and shall make sure the garage door is closed after she comes home.
    2. RISK OF JUDGMENT OF FAMILY OR FRIENDS:  Jennifer and Mike recognize that others may unfairly judge them for their DD lifestyle, or may misconstrue the meaning of that lifestyle such that Jennifer or Mike may be at risk of harm or being thought ill of.  However, Jennifer and Mike do not want the burden of hiding their true relationship.  Therefore, Jennifer and Mike will adhere to the terms of this Agreement in public.  While in public, Mike may choose to defer Discipline as he deems appropriate.  Jennifer shall not share aspects of their relationship that are considered Domestic Discipline, Dominant/submissive, Polyamorous, Swinging, or any other kink, unless Jennifer has Mike’s permission.   

SECTION VI: DISCIPLINE

  1. GENERAL GUIDELINES:
    1. MIKE’S AUTHORITY:  Jennifer grants Mike full and ultimate authority to determine the appropriate Discipline Jennifer is to receive.  Mike may use his discretion to provide any Discipline not explicitly defined or explained in this Agreement.
    2. DISPUTES: If Jennifer feels her Discipline was not consistent with the intent or spirit of this Agreement, she is to say nothing at the time of the Discipline and accept it without complaint or use her Safe Words to modify or stop the Discipline.  She can then use the next Maintenance Session to discuss her concerns about the Discipline she received.
    3. SAFE WORDS:  Jennifer can use two safe words when receiving Discipline.  Use of a safe word will not subject Jennifer to additional Discipline for her use of said safe word.
      1. Yellow instructs Mike to pause.  Mike will ask Jennifer if it is okay to resume that specific activity that caused her to call “Yellow” or if he needs to alter the Discipline.  The Discipline will not resume until Jennifer indicates it is okay to either proceed with the Discipline that was being given or she indicates that different Discipline is needed.
      2. Red instructs Mike to stop. Mike can choose to defer the Discipline until a later time or call the Discipline as complete. If Mike wishes to resume the Discipline at a later time, Jennifer is free to continue using safe words to pause or stop the Discipline.    
    4. HARD LIMITS:  Jennifer may alter, add, or remove any Hard Limits at any time.  Current hard limits include:  Blood, Branding, Breath Play, Gun Play, Fire Play, Knife Play, Piercing (in the context of play or Discipline), and Scat.
  2. DISCIPLINE TIMING/LOCATION: Mike will strive to promptly administer all Discipline.  When Mike determines it is not possible to quickly administer Discipline, it will be administered as soon as reasonably possible.  Jennifer agrees to be subject to Discipline at any time, at any place, without regard to how public or private it may be, regardless who else may be present, and regardless the type of Discipline Mike chooses to administer, whether verbal, physical, bare bottom, or otherwise.  If Mike is comfortable administering the Discipline at a given time and place, Jennifer must accept the Discipline in that given time and place.  When Discipline is provided at home and Mike directs Jennifer to go to her room, it will follow the Discipline Ceremony as per Section V.4.; otherwise, it will follow Section V.5. 
  3. DISCIPLINE INTEGRITY: Discipline shall be given in a calm, purposeful, and resolved manner.  Mike shall determine the type, duration, and intensity of the Discipline necessary for Jennifer to be Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered.  Jennifer’s demeanor and body language shall be consistent with being Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered, and is subject to Mike’s interpretation.  Mike shall perform appropriate After Care and perform the Closing Ceremony to mark the end of that Discipline.
    1. Remorseful: Jennifer should feel remorse, not sorrow. Her remorse is expected to be for both letting Mike down for failing to be Obedient, and for letting herself down for failing to be submissive to Mike’s needs. Jennifer encourages Mike to lecture her to help her feel remorse for her behavior and mold future behavior, subject to Section IV. 2.
    2. Surrendered: Jennifer must be physically surrendered while being Disciplined, granting Mike the complete ability to deliver the Discipline.  This means no pulling away, pushing Mike’s hand, or in any way interfering with the Discipline. Unless instructed otherwise, Jennifer will avoid eye contact with Mike.  If she is standing, her head and eyes should be facing downward with her hands clasped behind her back. Jennifer encourages Mike to verbally demand her to present and maintain specific surrendered postures.
    3. .After care: Mike is to comfort Jennifer by cuddling her and maintaining a comforting mindset with affirming words of love and commitment. No lecturing during After Care as all the focus is on expressing love for Jennifer and reassuring all is forgiven. 
    4. Closing Ceremony:  At the completion of the Discipline, Mike will say, “All is forgiven.”  Jennifer will respond, “All is forgiven.”  This serves as a sign that Mike has forgiven her and that Jennifer has forgiven herself.   Further, Mike harbors no negative feelings towards Jennifer for her need for Discipline, and Jennifer harbors no negative feeligns towards Mike for his administering Discipline.  Life moves on in peace.   
      .
  4. DISCIPLINE CEREMONY:  When Jennifer is directed to go to her room to be Disciplined.
    1. Upon entering the room Jennifer will lock the door if children are in the house and completely disrobe. 
    2. Jennifer shall stand facing the designated corner waiting for Mike. Absent any other instructions from Mike regarding her posture, her default posture will be to stand upright, with her hands to her side, palms open and touching the side of her legs. 
    3. Jennifer will unlock the door upon Mike’s knock and without making eye contact, return to her corner.  Mike may remain silent and leave Jennifer in the corner until he is ready to continue.  Jennifer is to remain silent. Mike may instruct Jennifer to retrieve an implement or he may have already retrieved one.  Mike will call Jennifer over.
    4. Jennifer is to remain silent and kneel down in front of Mike with her eyes open and her head bowed.
    5. Mike speaks first and asked Jennifer to state why she is being Disciplined.  Jennifer must look up and into Mike’s eyes and accurately state why.   If she does not know or is inaccurate, Mike may choose to increase the severity of the Discipline.  When Jennifer speaks she must speak clearly and matter-of-factly so that Mike can easily hear.  While maintaining eye contact with Mike, Jennifer must recite her Discipline Mantra per Exhibit A.  Jennifer is then to return to bowing her head and avoiding eye contact until After Care.
    6. Mike shall thank Jennifer for recognizing her Disobedience and her acceptance of his leadership and authority.  Mike may begin or continue to lecture Jennifer, subject to Section IV. 2.  
    7. Mike will instruct Jennifer as to the position she must take.  Mike will then administer the Discipline and may continue lecturing throughout.  
    8. Appropriate After-Care and Closing Ceremony as per Section VI.3.3 and Section VI.3.4.
      .
  5. IMMEDIATE DISCIPLINE:  When Mike administers Discipline on the spot, without sending Jennifer to her room.
    1. Mike will provide Jennifer instructions regarding a location suitable to him to provide the Discipline, including on the spot she where she stands.  She is to follow Mike’s instructions regarding the removal of any or all clothing and as to what position she is to take.     
    2. Jennifer is not to object or speak. She is only to immediately comply without regard to the surroundings.
    3. Mike will deliver her initial Discipline.  Immediate Discipline is given without warm up, with strokes that are in quick succession and continue as long as Mike wishes.   The intent is to create a sort of “Shock and Awe” such that Jennifer knows that she may be subject to quick and immediate Discipline the moment she is Disobedient. 
    4. Mike will ask Jennifer why she is being Disciplined.  Mike will administer additional Discipline if Jennifer is uncertain or incorrect.  Mike will then explain to Jennifer why she earned the Discipline. 
    5. Mike will then Discipline Jennifer a final time. 
    6. Appropriate After Care and Closing Ceremony per Section VI.3.4 and Section VI.3.5.
      .
  6. MAINTENANCE DISCIPLINE: All Maintenance Sessions will begin and end with a spanking at Mike’s discretion.  These are not intended as punishment, but as a reminder of Jennifer’s submission and to provide her appropriate release as per Mike’s discretion. 
  7. CATEGORIES OF DISCIPLINE 
    1. SPANKING DISCIPLINE consists of Jennifer being spanked with an implement of Mike’s choice, or by hand.  She may be spanked on any part of her body that Mike determines is appropriate for her Discipline.
    2. NON-SPANKING PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE consists of any physical discipline other than a spanking.  It includes but is not limited to breast bindings, nipple clamps, tack bra, butt plug, nipple and/or clit clamps, enemas, or any other device or implement intended to cause appropriate discomfort consistent with the Discipline Mike wants to administer.
    3. NON-PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE includes but is not limited to corner time, kneeling, loss of privileges such as television or internet or seeing family or friends.  Any restrictions on seeing family or friends is not to exceed one week. 
    4. VERBAL DISCIPLINE consists of any verbal admonishing and/or lecturing Mike may direct at Jennifer.  It is rarely given by itself as behaviors requiring Verbal Discipline most often require other forms of Discipline be administered.

SECTION VII. MAINTENANCE SESSIONS

  1. SUNDAY SESSIONS consist of  Mike and Jennifer meeting to discuss certain topics allowing Jennifer to seek clarification on any Discipline or any other aspect of their dynamic, have Mike review Jennifer’s behavior and progress, have Jennifer present her Primary Daily Journal for inspection, and for Jennifer to receive Maintenance Discipline as per guidelines in Section VII.3.
  2. THURSDAY SESSIONS consist of Mike and Jennifer meeting to review any unsubmissive thoughts Jennifer has had and answer any questions Mike may pose as per guidelines in Section VII.3.  
  3. MAINTENANCE SESSION CEREMONY Jennifer shall be nude throughout and will begin with Mike administering her first Maintenance Discipline.
    1. Much like After-Care, Mike and Jennifer will embrace and Jennifer will speak, reaffirming her love and respect for herself, her family, and for Mike.  Mike will in turn express his love for Jennifer and thank her the commitment of personal responsibility she has made and state his continued support to help her become the person she wants to be.   
    2.  SUNDAY SESSIONS:  They will then discuss Jennifer’s behaviors and Discipline that week.  All discussions will focus only on that week.  Jennifer will not bring up past issues as those issues are considered resolved.
    3. SUNDAY SESSIONS:  Jennifer will present her Primary Daily Journal to Mike for his review and inspection.   Jennifer will self-report on any Disobedience that occurred that week for which Mike was unaware.
      THURSDAY SESSIONS:  Jennifer will present her Unsubmissiveness Daily Journal to Mike for his review and inspection    
    4. SUNDAY SESSIONS:  Mike will administer any Discipline he deems necessary for any of Jennifer’s self-reported Disobedience, as well as for any Journal shortcomings.  Mike will lecture Jennifer as to his expectations of her for the coming week and may choose to dialogue with Jennifer.
      THURSDAY SESSIONS:  Mike will lecture Jennifer as to her unsubmissiveness thoughts and may choose to dialogue with Jennifer. 
    5. SUNDAY SESSION:  Jennifer will be given self-reflection time as determined by Mike.  Jennifer will be given a specific amount of corner time.  When that time is up she is to masturbate to climax.  Jennifer will choose the location in the bedroom where she wishes to masturbate and may ask Mike if she can use an aide such as a vibrator.  Mike may be present during her masturbation or even come and go from the room but he will remain silent and away from her immediate proximity.  After Jennifer’s orgasm she is to lay in bed, meditate, and it is acceptable for her to fall asleep as she waits for further instruction.  
    6. SUNDAY SESSION:  When Mike determines her self-reflection time is complete, he will call Jennifer over.  She is to kneel in front of him, look up into his eyes, and recite her Morning and Evening Mantras per Exhibit A.  She will then bow her head and reach out her hands.  Mike may wait for as long as he chooses before holding her outstreatched hands.  While holding her hands, Jennifer will remain kneeling with her head bowed.
    7. SUNDAY AND THURSDAY SESSION:  When Mike is ready, he will instruct Jennifer to take position and receive her last Maintenance Discipline. 
    8. Appropriate After-Care is administered per Section IV 3.3. and the Maintenance Session is over.

EXHIBIT A:  MANTRAS

  1. MORNING MANTRA
    “Today I desire submission;

    through humility, not humiliation,
    through service, not suffering, 
    through being present, not in pain
    through being useful, not used,  
    through discipline, not punishment, 
    through focusing on Mike’s desires, my only need and purpose.” 
  2. EVENING MANTRA
    “Thank you Mike. 
    Thank you Mike for leading, as I follow you.
    Thank you Mike for working, as I serve you.

    Thank you Mike for providing, as I appreciate you.
    Thank you Mike for guiding, as I trust you.
    Thank you Mike for deciding, as I obey you.
    I look forward to tomorrow when we get to do it all again.

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NEXT:  Post 175.  Bundle of Nerves