Tag Archives: friends

311. You want me to do what? (TJ and Kim Part II)

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I shared some background about my new friends, TJ and Kim.   My relationship with them has evolved over the past 6-7 months.  While some of this should be in past tense, I write using a current tense as I am sharing it with you for the first time.  I think that makes it easier to follow, no?   Anyway, I babble too much. . .   

I left off stating that Kim began sharing details of her sex life with me.  More to the point, the lack of details.  Kim rarely has sex with TJ, and it’s been that way throughout their marriage.   Yes, they had sex enough to have two kids, so yes, they have sex.  But rarely.
As I learned, it was Kim that had a lot of sexual hangups.  Hangups she openly admitted. 

She grew up being told sex was dirty, naughty, and the only acceptable response to sexual desire was guilt and shame.   So, yeah, there’s that. 

I mentioned that she knew TJ and his ex-wife, Shelagh, even before they were married as they ran around the same circle of friends.   She said she always had a crush on TJ but felt she couldn’t “compete” with Shelagh.  She knew Shelagh well and knew Shelagh to be bisexual, open to threesomes, and basically open to anything sexual.  She wore her sexuality on her sleeve, which was in contrast to Kim, who locked it away buried deep inside her soul. 

Kim had limited sexual experiences before TJ.  She had sex “a few times” with a boyfriend that was fairly serious and they dated for almost six months.  She admits the break up had to do with her reluctance to have sex.   And it wasn’t about “saving herself for marriage.”  She made it clear to the then boyfriend that it was what he should expect from her always.  She even told him, “Sex is something I don’t enjoy.”   

She had a single one-night stand that she “forced herself to do” as she put it.  She just wanted to break out of her sexual shell and thought that might do it.  It didn’t.  It only made her feel worse about herself and about sex in general.   

She even “messed around,” as she called it, once with a woman, but stopped it before they went too far.  She said it was in reaction to trying to “be like Shelagh.”   

She admitted she had this admiration for Shelagh along with a simultaneous feeling of disgust, all wrapped in jealousy as Kim was attracted to TJ.   She always thought of TJ as unattainable and that he wouldn’t ever go for someone “like her.”  She saw Shelagh’s appeal to TJ as being 100% sexual and always imagined they had incredible, crazy, non-stop sex.   Kim said she felt so disconnected because she couldn’t even imagine the word “incredible” and “sex” could go together but just knew that it did for other people. 

Kim also doesn’t masturbate and had a traumatic experience as a child when she was caught touching herself.  It makes me angry to think about it.  She said she was only 8 or 9 and had no clue about what sex was or that it even existed as a thing people did.  She simply noticed one day that it felt good to rub down there.  She said in her mind it was no different than say, the feeling of a good stretch or a cool washcloth on a warm face.  It wasn’t sexual in her innocent mind.  It just felt good. 

To her parents, you’d think she had just strangled a baby.   They were mortified.  She says it took her years to even understand all the terrible things they told her as the thoughts her parents projected were so foreign and over her young head.   While she didn’t understand the meaning, she did understand they were terrible things.  She said her parents said a lot of things, but two words stuck with her.  Even though she didn’t understand what that meant at the time, she understood they were terrible things.  “Pervert.”  “Deviant.” 

Who would call a child such a thing?  And it wasn’t like they just overreacted and let it drop.  For years her parents, especially her mom, would bring up that incident as an example of her abnormal behaviors and thoughts.  

FAST FORWARD TO MARRIAGE
Shelagh and TJ got divorced and Shelagh dropped out of their social circle.  Kim and TJ always talked here and there, but the talks became more frequent and then turned into actual dates with just the two of them and not their group of friends.   Kim said that once it was clear they liked each other and were dating, she knew she would have to force herself to perform all the wild things she had conjured up in her head that TJ and Shelagh must have done. 

Kim said that once they had sex it was obvious to TJ that something was up.  He could tell she was “uncomfortable yet ambitious.”   She vividly remembers those two words because at the time she told herself, “That’s better than pervert and deviant.”   They then had a frank conversation about sex.  She remembers it as one of the most mortifying discussions she ever had.  Here’s this guy she has always had a crush on, who she thinks expects gymnastics in the bedroom.  And here she is, worse than a sexual novice, she was a sexual desert, void of any positive feelings about sex. 

He told her that the sex was not as important to him as simply being around her.  At the time she interpreted as “let’s just be friends” but, to her amazement, quickly realized that no, he still wanted to be dating her.  To be clear, he did tell her that he enjoyed the sex they had, and would enjoy more of it, but that he understood if it was something she didn’t want to do very often.   She said she didn’t have the courage to tell him, “Very often?  How about never?”   

They did have sex here and there but said it was always something “she allowed” TJ to do to her.  It wasn’t something she did to him or that the did together.   How sad. 

Clearly, TJ accepted this.  They got married and had sex enough times to have two kids within four years.   Kim said that at the time, having sex with the prospects of getting pregnant was the first time she had an inkling of enjoyment out of the sex.  She looked at as “sex with a purpose” and that purpose didn’t include feeling the pleasure that was “deviant or perverted.”

Oddly, Kim said that her feelings about sex are compartmentalized as to apply only to her.  She understands others enjoy it and wants others to enjoy it.  She said even thinking of her daughters as sexually active someday doesn’t bother her.   She said she knows Hailey masturbates and even offered to buy her a vibrator (which she said Hailey embarrassingly declined and said, “Mom!  Are you nuts? I don’t want to talk to you about that.”  Kim said she told Hailey there wasn’t any need to talk, but that it was okay and fine if she ever wanted to talk or wanted a vibrator.

To me, it’s incredible to hear that, and other examples she shared of being very sex-positive with her daughter.  I often find the “sins of the parents” are often instilled into their kids who can’t help but project the judgment of their own parents onto their kids.  And while I know it isn’t always like that, rarely is it the opposite extreme of openly rejecting that judgment.   Good for Kim, and if only she could reject that judgment on herself.

TODAY (as in a few months ago)
Kim told me that she and TJ have sex a few times a year.  She does oral on his birthday, and beyond that, it’s just penis-in-vagina sex.  She does let him finger her, but she rarely touches his penis.  She says she thinks she has climaxed a few times but isn’t sure (which to me, means she hasn’t).

She told me she really wishes she could open up sexually, but it just horrifies her.  I suggested counseling but she said that horrifies her even more.   She said she can barely talk about it with TJ, is totally weirded out by talking to me about it, and can’t imagine talking to a stranger.  She said she is only able to overcome her fear and talk to me because I seem so at ease with my sexuality.  (Yes, Kim asked me all sorts of details and I shared them as if sharing a favorite recipe).

Then, one day, she told me she had something to ask me.  I recognized her expression and awkwardness.  I’ve seen it before.  It meant that the topic had something to do with sex.   My mind raced with what it might be as I had been sensing she was wanting something sexually from me.  What she asked me was not the “something” that I was expecting.

Next: 312.  Oh, you want me to do THAT!

308. Another interesting acquaintance – Chelsea Part I

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PREAMBLE
I like to think that my vibe puts people at ease.  Comforted by my demeanor, they let their guard down and share things or ask for advice.  As a former school counselor, it fits in with my schooling and chosen profession (I did it for about 6 years before being a SAHM), but it’s always been my default personality that my schooling simply honed.

I’ve shared that, Pre-DD, somewhere along the way I lost perspective.  Instead of trying to guide people towards their answer and their truth, I simply laid down my answer and my truth.   The result was I became very invested in their outcomes. This caused me to be frustrated when they didn’t listen to my “amazing” advice as well as when they did listen but things didn’t work out.  Their problems became my problems.  

I am now more disciplined – as in, “more controlled”, not as in, “more punishments.” Although who am I kidding?  That applies too.  HA!   In fact, the latter has a lot to do with the former.  I digress…

Any who,  it’s not that I now avoid being a shoulder to lean on.  I simply better appreciate the difference between “lending a shoulder” and “bearing their burden.”  And yes, Mike is there to tell me to back off if he senses I am getting in too deep.  

I stated all of that because two new couples have entered our lives that basically started as me being their shoulder to lean on.   They both have such interesting stories that have ties to TTWD, thus my desire to share them with you. 

JAIME AND CHELSEA
The first couple I want to share is Jaime and Chelsea.  And that’s Jaime as in Hi-me, not Jay-me.   And in case you are keeping score, technically this started as Kayla being the shoulder to lean on, not me – and actually ends with Mike being the shoulder they lean on.  I surely didn’t see that coming. 

Chelsea is a friend Kayla met at school a little more than a year ago.  She was a freshman undergrad who met Kayla in a chance encounter, struck up a conversation, and they’ve been friends ever since.   Although a freshman at the time, Chelsea is actually Kayla’s age.   Chelsea got married right out of high school, worked her butt off, and started college at 21 or so.

It was unusual for Kayla to have friends of her own age group.  Kayla’s friends are almost exclusively 5-10 years older than her as  Kayla’s always enjoyed the company of older friends, even when she was little.  For whatever reason, she and Chelsea clicked and became friends, probably because in a lot of ways Chelsea is also wise beyond her years. 

Chelsea is one of these people with no filter.  Says whatever is on her mind, but not in an arrogant or demanding way.  It’s quite innocent, curious, and honest.  Authentic!  Yeah, that’s the best word for it.  And it wasn’t long before Chelsea picked up on various clues and came right out and asked Kayla if she was someone’s submissive or slave.  Yep, no filter.  

Kayla honestly answered any questions.  Not like every kinky detail, but sufficient to answer any particular question.  It wasn’t long before Chelsea confided in Kayla that she likes to be disciplined by her husband.  And, she shared that they have been struggling with it, in her words, “immensely struggling.”   

At some point, Kayla asked if I would talk to Chelsea.  Of course, I agreed.  I spoke to her on many occasions, even having her over to the house a few times.    She had a very different upbringing, thus my fascination with both her story and her situation.   So, before I get into what Chelsea is struggling with, here’s some scoop on her upbringing.

CHELSEA’S CHILDHOOD  
Chelsea got married right out of high school to Jaime, who is four years older… she was 18, he was 22.   Four years isn’t a lot, except for it is when, a month before their wedding, she was still in high school and he was 22.    That’s a big life experience gap!

Chelsea said she just couldn’t wait to get out of the house and be on her own, and getting married was the best way to sever the apron strings – AND THE BELT!  Yep, she grew up in a household where spanking wasn’t just the norm, it was a family institution.  Although – Chelsea always refers to it as “discipline” and not spanking.

She shared that her father would spank everyone, including her mom.  Chelsea is the second oldest of 5 kids – an older brother, a younger brother, and two younger sisters.     

And the discipline was almost always a family affair.   One was rarely spanked in private, and almost exclusively bare bottomed.  The exception was her mom, who mostly, but not always, would be spanked in private, but well within earshot.   Such discipline was the standard practice of her extended family as well.  It all seemed normal to her and her cousins.  They didn’t make it a topic of everyday conversation, but they didn’t hide it either. It was just normal.   When someone got in trouble it was like, “So what kind of disciplining did you get?”    

MISOGYNY RULES
The rules of her household were that the boy’s discipline would no longer include spanking once they turned 15, but would continue for the girls for as long as they lived under their parents’ roof.  Further, once her brothers were 16, her dad would make sure they observed any spankings he was giving.  He would break down the details for them, explaining why he chose a particular number of strikes or explaining the proper way to verbally chastise.   Clearly, it was to prepare them to take on a similar role in their own households one day.

Chelsea said on two occasions her dad even had her brothers spank her.  Once when she borrowed her older brothers car without asking.  The other was for “disrespecting” her younger brother.  That happened to be one of her last spankings.  It happened when her brother was 17 and Chelsea was 18 but not yet out of the house.   That one really upset her as she thought it ridiculous that her younger brother could be allowed to do such things. 

And while Chelsea couldn’t wait to get out from under that sort of discipline, she said she never had ill feelings about it and still doesn’t.   She feels her parents truly believe it is the right way to raise children, and neither she nor her siblings ever felt abused.    It wasn’t like they lived in fear of being disciplined, and not every disciplining was a spanking.  But with five kids, plus the mom, it was a rare week that someone didn’t get at least one spanking.    

She was spanked the most.  She admitted to a bit of a defiant streak, especially from about ages 13-16, plus her parents felt she needed to be an example for her younger sisters and thus held her to a higher standard.   

While she disliked it enough to seek a quick way out (getting married), she said it wasn’t just the discipline that she wanted to avoid.  It was that she did want to be subject to the many rules that often led to being disciplined.   Things like chores and curfews.  She couldn’t imagine going through college under her parents’ rules and consequences.   Marriage was a loophole where they agreed to still help with some of the schooling costs and it gave her the freedom she desired. 

Now that doesn’t sound fair to Jaime, but Chelsea said there was more to it.  It wasn’t like she was going to run off with the first guy that seemed halfway decent.  The two of them dated for two years (yes, a 16-year old dating a 20-year old),  and she said her parents very much approved of Jaime.   Although they didn’t approve at first, he grew on them.  That will have to be another story if I choose to share it.  

About two years or so into the marriage Chelsea realized she was missing something.  That’s where things got interesting.

Next: 309. Spanked Wife, Happy Life – Chelsea Part II

265. Joy without submission?

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The post before last I posed a question about why Mike was more in tuned than I was regarding our little bit of “drifting” from our regular DD routines.   I ask it because I find it curious.  I am not troubled by it.  In fact, I think the fact Mike noticed it before me is a milestone in our DD.  Up until then, I was the one either asking for more discipline or lamenting over something feeling “off.”   It’s great that Mike noticed it and was willing to say something – albeit a bit vaguely.

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken a philosophical self-analyzing trip into my DD journey.  So now is a good time to do that.   

THEN WHY SO JOYFUL?
It was odd that Mike noticed it first, but it was more odd that I wasn’t anywhere near sensing it.  My level of fulfillment and joy over the last several months has been sky high!  Does that mean I would prefer a softening of our DD and that I am not getting as much joy from it as I once was?  

Oh, and before I answer that.  I would not be bothered by either a yes or no answer.  Certainly, a “yes” would pose a challenge in that we would have to work to reconcile the different needs, but I am confident we could do so if needed.  It isn’t realistic to assume needs will never change, and we are committed to finding equitable solutions to any differences we face, kink or otherwise.   

HOWEVER, my needs haven’t changed, nor has Mike’s.  So, YES, I still want the level of D/s we attained before we drifted a bit.  Perhaps I am not yearning as much for it, but I not only enjoy it, I know I need it – emotionally and as part of being the wife, mother, and person that I want to be.   It is actually a good thing that I can find contentment in other aspects of my life.  It isn’t either I have D/s or I shrivel up and die.

Fulfillment has many facets, and being submissive is an important one, but not the only one.  I am sure there are times where I need to be more in my submissive headspace than other times.  Just like there may be times Mike needs to feel his dominance more than other times.  So why wasn’t I needing it as much lately?  Where has my fulfillment been coming from?

There are many joys in my life that transcend submission.

FAMILY!
I won’t re-hash all the great developments with my kids, but suffice to say, it is hard to not feel fulfilled when your kids appear to be happy.   Okay, I won’t re-hash them in detail, but here’s a summary as I can’t resist showing some pride in my kids! 

T1 bought a house, and is getting married to a great woman who I adore.  T2 graduating college, finding a great job, and growing into full adulthood.  J, who has exceeded all the expectations we had for him just a few years ago.  His growth and development despite his disability has been amazing.   

And then there is Kayla – I love her and she loves me.  I am so happy for her and all she adds to my marriage and my family.  And most importantly, she is happy.   Being out in the open about her has also been a great emotional booster for all of us.  

And there’s more – extended family!  A great relationship with my sisters, with whom I can be open and honest in sharing my life choices.  And re Kayla – my parents, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles — while not everyone is as accepting as I would like, it is still liberating to be open with it.   And their (well, some of them) willingness to give naturism a try further shows their openness and acceptance of my family.

FRIENDSHIPS AND FINANCES
And even more…
friendships!   A close friendship with John and Donna, our “unique” relationship with Matt, and a great group of pals in my “lunch bunch” friends.  I also think the relationship with Matt has been invigorating.  We are over the “honeymoon” phase of it so it has lost a bit of its mystique, but, I know I got an emotional boost from it all.  I still do, just not what it was when it was all new. 

And beyond the emotional fulfillment, Mike’s work has been going well, so finances haven’t been an area of stress.  And with T2 done with college — the finances look even better.  We can finally start ramping up funding our retirement and making sure J can be supported for his lifetime.

NUDISM
I have to give nudism some credit as well.  It really has had an amazing positive psychological impact on me and my family.  It has boosted everyone’s self-confidence, not that it was particularly lacking.  It also tightens the already strong emotional bond we share.   Can’t explain it – it just does.    Perhaps adopting nudism is the ultimate in “vulnerability.”  And if you read my countless posts about vulnerability, you’ll know all the positive results that come with allowing yourself to be vulnerable.   

SUBMISSION
And it isn’t like we took a hiatus from our DD.  I have remained very submissive throughout my daily activities and have had the occasional punishment.    Our “drift” was very subtle.  So my need for submission was still being fed, just perhaps a little bit smaller helpings.  

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT MY DD
Yes, I admit it.  Not every ounce of my joy and fulfillment comes from feeding my submissive mindset.  That’s a good thing.  My identity as a submissive defines my relationship with my husband, a relationship that is the largest contributor to my fulfillment – but not the only contributor.

I think sometimes when joy is lacking in one facet of life, you subconsciously try to make up for it somewhere else.  Perhaps that is why I sort of took my eye off of my DD.  I didn’t notice we had backed off a little because I am getting so much fulfillment elsewhere.  My submissive-mindset-fulfillment-meter could actually dip a bit and I didn’t notice it.  That’s okay.  Our needs are not a constant.

And to Mike’s credit, it isn’t like he wasn’t feeling fulfilled by our kids and aspects of life beyond just the two of us.  He recognized he also feels great about all of those things I have mentioned.  I think the difference is every day he was being the Dom that Kayla needed, giving him a point of reference for our D/s.  That vantage point allowed him to sense the widening gap between the fulfillment he was getting as her Dom versus the fulfillment he was getting as mine.  So he said something – and I am glad he did.

The result was the tweaks and refocusing that I shared on one of my previous posts.  You do know what that means, don’t you?  More opportunities to be disciplined.   And that is not just theoretical, but a fact.  Yes, there has been an increase in discipline. Hmm…maybe there is a spanking story coming up?

Next: 266. Domestic Discipline Throwback: A Spanking two-fer

239. Filters: As you sow, so shall you reap

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Yeah, that image evokes something BDSM-related, but sorry, no kinky story this time.  Just a tale of reflection, Jenny style. 

SLOWER PACE
I’ve slowed in my posting.  Part of a self imposed decrease in my attention to emails, social media, and blog.  I plan on resuming my “normal” obsession level soon – lol – but I am enjoying the break.  I started some new things.  I joined a yoga class and I am reading more and I started meditating — something I’ve never done before.   It’s been awesome.

While I won’t stop doing those things, I also won’t let those things keep me off my laptop!  I’ll be increasing my computer time soon, just at a more balanced level. 

SISTER TALK
I was talking to one my sisters who frequently reads my blog.  (
116. Revealing DD to my sisters121. 20 Questions from Sis136. Submitted Wife).   There are times I wish I hadn’t told her about my blog – there are just some things a sister doesn’t need to know.  But overall I am glad I did.  I can benefit from her sisterly advice and comments.  It’s great to have a sounding board from a “vanilla” who also has my best interests at heart.  And, she provided me with the fodder for this post!

She asked me if I ever reflect on how I ended up with the following:

  • Mike:  A husband willing to entertain and adopt my suggestion regarding Domestic Discipline.
  • John and Donna:  Friends (and neighbors) who share similar kinks and open to swinging and sharing with us.
  • Kayla:  A former babysitter turned friend and lover AND fellow submissive.
  • Lunch Bunch:  My group of “gal pals” who, instead of shunning me, accepted me when I shared the news of my sexcapdes and submission with them.  Even to the extent one of them has “consulted” with me on spicing up their sex life (and more to come on that in another post).
  • Matt:  A friend and former co-worker of Mike’s with whom I have sex with, as does Kayla, and who joins us at times with John and Donna. 
  • E:  My soon to be daughter-in-law is a third generation nudist (naturist).  We discover this just as I am suggesting to Mike that we try out a nudist resort or beach.

I told sis that I hadn’t specifically reflected on this, but my answer didn’t require deep reflection.  I immediately felt I knew the answer.  The following is what I shared with her. 

KARMA?
Yes, since adopting Domestic Discipline, it seems my life is filled with more “unique” experiences than I could have ever imagined.  It could be a karma type thing, or a “as you sow, so shall you reap” type of thing.  I’ve always believed in my own version of karma – I believe that if we want happiness, peace, friendship, and love…then we must first be those things — happy, peaceful, friendly, and loving.  Whatever we want to be around us, we must first be ourselves.  And I believe it is even more than that. 

  • What we CHOOSE for ourselves we also RETAIN — i.e., the things our filter lets in will stick with us.  
  • What we REJECT for ourselves we DISCARD – i.e., the things our filter removes won’t stick with us.  

The single most influential factor in our lives is the people who surround each day.  And we are surrounded and influenced by the people we have chosen to be in our lives.

Surround yourself with happy, peaceful, friendly, loving people, and it is much easier to be those things yourself.  They feed on each other.  Surround yourself with negative people..anxious, self absorbed, untrustworthy, mean spirited, cold, fearful, etc… and it is easy to become those things yourself.  They also feed on each other.

FILTER and CHOOSE WISELY
There are tons of emotional dust and negativity and other bits of self-defeating debris floating around in our daily lives.  I believe you can avoid ingesting this debris if you adopt the right “filters” in your life.

If someone is an emotional drainer… someone who makes me uneasy…. I can’t trust them, I am unsettled being around them…. well, I simply choose to not be around them – even if they are family!

My filter once had a glaring weakness.  My need to provide guidance (I was a guidance counselor after all) slowly morphed to a need to “fix” people.  I didn’t realize it at the time as I thought I was just being helpful, but I allowed myself to become too invested in their outcome — at times I was more invested in someone’s outcome than they were.  What a waste of time and energy.  I still like to help people, but I am much more in tune with whether or not they want to help themselves first.

This “filtering” I do means that at this point in my life I am left with a group of people that fulfill me and reflect the things I value the most.

VALUE VERSUS VALUES
Value means valuing the differences, not just valuing the things we agree with.  My friends and family are diverse in their religious beliefs or lack thereof, as well as political beliefs.  These can be incendiary topics to disagree on —  but — we agree on some core values regarding personal happiness, truthfulness, empathy, respect, and acceptance.  Our differences may be in how we “execute” those values, but those differences make for great conversations.

Simply put, we don’t “damn” each other for our differences.  Question, but don’t judge.  We accept each others “truths” as being fine for the other person, even if we reject them for ourselves.  The result is I haven’t necessarily filtered out those that are different than I am.  Instead, I have filtered out those that are intolerant of such differences.

Here are some specific things that I attribute to the openness and acceptance of the relationships my sister questioned. 

MIKE
I can write a novel on this.  Simply put, he is my soul mate, we compliment and complete each other.  We are one, but not the same.  We are willing to try, explore, and support anything the other asks. 

JOHN AND DONNA
They are just as surprised with me and Mike as we are with them.   They had been doing their version of D/s well before us.  We were friends and neighbors for many years prior to my DD and of course, prior to swinging and playing with them.   

KAYLA
She credits her fondness of me and Mike as coming from how warm, loving, and accepting our household has always been of her.  I mentioned before she had a crush on Mike when she was younger, but Kayla didn’t fully reveal to us until later just how deep that crush was, and that it also included me.

While a part of her looked at Mike as a father figure, she mostly fantasized about him as a mate.  When I shared my DD with her, she immediately saw it as an opportunity to explore — explore her fantasies about Mike, her feelings for other women, explore poly in a more comfortable way (she was already in a poly relationship), and of course, explore being submissive.  And the clincher for her was that she could do all of that in a safe, warm, and nurturing environment.

LUNCH BUNCH
I have been surprised by my lunch bunch friends level of acceptance (222. It’s only kinky the first time).  I thought some would be so uncomfortable that they would not want me to speak of it again — but they all have been eager to bring it up in and further the conversation.   I know they all don’t accept it as being something for them, but they all accept it as being something for me.   I would love to call that simply, “choosing good friends,” but frankly, I think some of it was just luck. 

MATT
Mike chose him to be in our life, not me.  I am still getting to know him, but I think Mike’s choice in inviting him into our “Circle of Trust” is based on similar things that I look for in people.  There hasn’t been anything about him that has concerned me and I enjoy his company.  The sex is great too – ha!

E
T1 chose E, so I can’t take the credit; however, it does make me think about how much T1’s upbringing may have influenced his attraction to someone like E.  In many ways E embodies the values I always wanted to instill in my kids, even though I wasn’t always consistent or good at doing so.  And this has nothing to do with the nudist stuff – although that sort of encapsulates it all.  She has no false pretenses, is sure of herself but not full of herself, and is empathetic and caring.  A perfect match for T1.  I can’t be more happy for him to have found someone like her.

While I’d like to credit T1’s upbringing for equipping him with a “filter” to attract and retain someone like E in his life, the truth is, I think it is mostly luck.  In my experience, children are as likely to reject their parent’s “filters” as they are to accept them.  Perhaps what helped with T1 is that we set filters based on broader issues of feeling good about yourself versus specific issues of say looks, finances, race, religion, politics, etc. 

EPILOGUE
My “filter” is not perfect.  I’ve let in plenty of the “wrong people” in my life or kept them around longer than I should.  And I don’t mean wrong as there is something bad about them in general, just something bad about them regarding my own happiness.  And I guess that is the best way to sum up my “filter.”  If you can’t provide me a certain amount of happiness and fulfillment, I filter you out; otherwise, I breathe you in!

Next: 240. Recovering my True Blogging Self

222. It’s only kinky the first time

222

SILVER LINING OF MY RESTRICTION
Mike went through my emails, blog, and social media while I was on restriction.  He knows all my accounts/passwords.  While he occasionally peruses them (and often reads my blog), he never spent a lot of time looking into my online world – until last week.  And it was very beneficial. 

He spent hours going through my stuff.  He admitted he got immersed into several blogs and into chains of various emails and text.  He said it’s like watching a television show or reading a novel and he wants to know what’s next.  He could see that I try to be helpful and it was clear to him people appreciate my insights.  He said it made him better understand the gratification I get from it all and the addictive nature of it.  

Not that I am going to have more “me” time, but, it was nice for him to acknowledge that he didn’t see my social media interactions as foolish or a waste of time.  Of course, he didn’t see the hours I wasted on Candy Crush and Two Dots.  Ha.  But seriously, he was very supportive of me continuing my interactions, so long as they don’t interfere with things. 

Not all of my interactions are with “virtual” friends.  Part of my recent time management challenge was that I also increased my time and attention with my real-world friends.  My focus on them began to escalate about two weeks ago, and I think this was the tipping point in being unable to manage my time wisely.

GAL PAL LUNCHEON
A couple of weeks ago I had a luncheon with my “gal pals.” (I almost didn’t get to attend per Post 211).   I told them some time ago that Mike and I “swap” with a couple.  While astonished, they weren’t offended or freaked out by it.  Hey, I still got invited to the next lunch!

At the time my revelation was against our rules (Post 132) but Mike and I are now more open about things.  Not a “shout it from the rooftops” openness, but, just not going out of our way to hide to it and honestly answering any questions.  Thus, I went into the luncheon with the mindset I was open to share whatever came up.  I expected questions in the wake of first telling Valerie I couldn’t attend because “Mike told me I couldn’t.”

MEET THE LUNCH BUNCH
Joining me at lunch was Jill, Shawna, Valerie, Barbara, and Gennie.  Yeah, pronounced “Jenny” but spelled differently.

Everyone is married (some on their second).  I knew Shawna in high school and Jill is her older sister.  Valerie is a former co-worker of mine and just a few years younger than me.  Barbara is a friend of Shawna’s while Gennie a friend of Valerie’s.  They both joined our circle a few years ago.  Gennie is the “youngster” of the group, in her early to mid-30’s.

Keep in mind us gals have talked about sex before.  No explicit details, lots of innuendoes and just fun giggly girl talk!   Yes, we tend to act very immaturely when we all get together.  Thus, while my revelation to them about swapping was “out there,” they all reacted well.  Shocked, but not like, “how dare you” shocked.

Casual dress code – for me that typically meant tee-shirts and blue jeans, just a bit of makeup.  I might even wear a spaghetti strap top and give no mind to whether I showed none, a little, or a lot of cleavage.  I never gave thought to “looking nice” for our lunch.  I mean, I wasn’t a slob, but my appearance was not a focus.    

LUNCH BEGINS
It didn’t take long for the conversation to turn towards me.   

“So Jenny, any hot foursomes lately?” Shawna has always been the direct one and loves to instigate controversial conversations.

“On occasion,”  I replied without hesitation or alarm. 

My response was greeted with some giggles, smiles, and at least one “oh brother” roll of the eyes (Jill has always been the more negative, judgmental one of the group).  But no one questioned me further. 

Several of the women complimented me on my appearance.  Yes I was rocking a dress from my new wardrobe.  Most of my dresses are jewel neck (no cleavage), elbow length in the arms, mid-calf length on the legs.  I also had on more makeup than usual and my hair was more neatly styled.

“You’re all dressed up for us?” I was asked.  ” Gosh Jen, feeling modest today?” says another with a laugh.   “Have a date afterward?” says one in a hopeful, excited manner.  Not to miss the opportunity for a jab, Jill added, “and is it with someone other than Mike?”

“Mike likes it when I make my outside appearance match what I am feeling inside.  Life is great, so why not look it on the outside and please Mike at the same time?”  I added, “And no, no date today with anyone but y’all.”  Yeah, I emphasized the word “today” for suggestive effect.  

That triggered Jill to ask in her typical “judgey” sort of way, “So, you can like date whomever you want and Mike is okay with it?”

Nonchalantly I answered, “No, it doesn’t work that way.  We just have a very small circle of friends that we have sex with.  And I leave it up to Mike to decide who is allowed in this circle.” 

And then Valerie said, “speaking of Mike, what was with him not allowing you to come, and then changing his mind.  Since when do you ask for his permission?”  And with that, the dam burst open.

REVEALING MY D/s
Without going into exhausting dialogue, there were lots of questions and answers that led me to share many aspects of our D/s dynamic – questions similar to those my sisters have asked. (Post 200 and others).  

I confidently and calmly answer questions, never getting defensive.  I see it as an opportunity to explain how I found a level of fulfillment and joy that I never thought possible.  Behind the salacious aspects of discipline and sexual adventure, the core of my submission is about fulfillment and I kept the focus on that.   

At some point, Shawna asked, “So are you bisexual?”  She had this grin because she knew the answer.  But, I also knew that she has had her share of experiences — we’ve been friends since high school.  I knew she was asking it just to see what kind of reaction it would get from the other women.  But instead of being the one to provide the shock she was looking to give the group, in fun, I turned the tables.    

“Yes, aren’t you?”  I said playfully.  She answered no, to which I followed in a very leading way, “Come on, never?  That’s not what I heard.  Not even experimented?

She tried to deflect, “Hey, we are talking about you!”

Knowing I “got” her, I triumphantly replied, “I think you all have heard enough about me.  Let’s talk about Shawna’s experience with being with another woman.  Do tell.”

EVERYONE SHARES
Long story short, Shawna proceeded to admit to her college experiences (yes, as in plural).  Instead of crossing a line in acceptable behavior, her answer broke the barrier I had weakened and suddenly everyone wanted to share.

Valerie, the more reserved one the bunch, fessed up she had multiple experiences, first in high school, another in college, and one she had in her mid-20’s.  Thus all eyes turned towards the three who hadn’t spoken of any experiences.  “No, not me,” said Barbara and Gennie.  “Not me,” said Jill, who surprisingly added, “but I did once take a shower with another woman and we played with each other’s boobs, but that was it.”   Of course, we had to ask for details, which she provided.  Ah, summer camp!

It led to more intimate questions and answers about threesomes and sex toys.  Valerie admitted one of her experiences with another woman was part of a threesome with her then boyfriend.  And Jill, who I think gained confidence in being forthcoming via her “playing with boobs” story,  then gave the group a shocker that I believe was bigger than anything I had shared.  I mean, the group already knew I was “different.”  Jill is a bit of a curmudgeon and typically not very forthcoming with personal details.

In a shocker, Jill then adds, “Well I had one with two guys.”  Turned out her first threesome was with her current husband and a friend of his before they got married.  Basically, it involved a lot of alcohol and they swore to each other to never bring it up again.  Then she added, “Okay, make that twice.  We did it one more time with the same guy before resolving to not do it again.”    

And as for sex toys, all but Valerie said they owned at least one.  Gennie shared they had a couple of toys, both his and hers, including blindfold and cuffs.  And while she didn’t share the details, Shawna said she had a “small arsenal” of toys.  As no one asked me for specifics, I didn’t provide details of my stockpile.

The conversations turned to more mundane things, what each other’s kids were doing, summer vacation plans, and what not.  Even so, I am sure anyone in the restaurant within earshot had a great story to tell their friends about the sexual exploits of this table of women they sat next to.

POST-LUNCH
There were follow up one-on-one conversations, emails, texts, and  Valerie even came over to my house to talk.  She is “somewhat” submissive by nature with her husband and the thought of some of the formal elements of D/s intrigues her.

By the way,  I have to get Mike’s permission to have a guest, and he decides about my attire or lack thereof.   In this case, he said since Valerie already knew so much, there was no reason for me to be clothed.  I forewarned her, and she said, “Fine, I get to see you in your natural habitat.”

While Valerie was the most inquisitive following the lunch, I did hear from some of the others.  It ranged from uneventful advice on a sex toy, to potentially life-changing advice on how to approach their husband with the idea of a threesome.  I have sort of become the de facto sex therapist for the group!

I love it!  It fed my need to help people solve their issues.  The absence of rejection from anyone in the group emboldens me even further.  I am energized and excited about sharing my insights, even more so than I always am.  However – I let that energy and excitement morph into compulsion, leading me to improperly manage my time – thus the punishment.

I am still going to keep talking with them, and my “internet” friends as well.  Just doing so once I have met my household duties and obligations.  It feels so good to be more out in the open about my submission.  It felt even better to see how my revelation led my friends to open up about some kink in their lives.

I told them, “it’s only kinky the first time.”  After that, it is just routine!

This is why everyone else’s kink is weird and gross and indicates something is wrong with them, while your own kink is totally healthy and normal.

Next: 223. Telling the kids: A natural/ist conversation

179. Kayla’s Social Life

social
I haven’t written much lately about Kayla.   With her permission, I thought I’d talk about an issue we had to address — Kayla’s social life.

Kayla has some new friends she met on campus.  Some are just casual friendships, but two in particular are evolving to more than that.   Nothing sexual, just her spending more time socializing with them.  It raises some new questions for us and I asked Kayla to talk to Mike about it.  I told Kayla I defer to Mike on any advice and guidance and I would support whatever Mike has to say about it. 

CHOOSING HER FRIENDS
Kayla and Mike talked.  Mike was supportive of her socializing with whomever she wanted.  His only condition was similar to a condition we have in our Contract.  If he feels the relationship isn’t healthy, he will talk with her about either modifying the relationship or ending it.

SHARING INFO ON HER DYNAMIC
They also discussed the amount of detail she should share with friends about our relationship with her.  This was more of a reminder.  Kayla is free to share with others that she is in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple.  She can share she is submissive if she chooses.  She can share that this means she follows various “house rules” and can be disciplined, including being spanked, if she does not.

The general rule of thumb is to provide as little information as necessary to satisfy questions and stop at providing details as to specific rules, punishments, and sex.  Yes/No responses are better than elaborating with details.  Mike and Kayla even role played some dialogue to ensure Kayla was on the same page as Mike.

SEX
Mike and Kayla also talked about Kayla having sex outside of our relationship.  This has been talked about before but with the casualness that comes with discussing the theoretical.  Not that she is having sex with others right now, but, she can see the potential for it and thus the need to revisit this with more seriousness.

Mike told Kayla she is free to pursue sexual relationships with anyone, just so long as she informs him of who these people are and of course, practices safe sex.  Kayla is also going back on the pill.   She had been off it – Mike and John both have had a vasectomy.

Mike made it a point to share with her that our relationship with her should never get in the way of things she wants to experience.  If she wants to travel, attend social events, go out with friends, or even have sex with whomever, he (as do I) will support her decisions.  The only caveat being that Mike must not see any of it as unhealthy for her.  Mike made it clear she will have to move out if she pursues a relationship he feels is toxic.  Kayla was more than fine with this and said it actually made her feel good to hear him say that. 

SUBMISSION
Kayla brought this up.  She made it clear she was not interested in having a D/s relationship with anyone else.  She can’t imagine being beholden to more than one Dom, and more importantly, she said that type of relationship is extra special to her and Mike is her Dom and “that is that.”  However, it did cause Mike to want to at least have a brief discussion on future possibilities.

Mike said that if she found a relationship where she wanted to be submissive to someone else, she needs to share those desires with him as soon as she is feeling them.  This way they can talk about them so that she does not feel more conflicted than she is likely going to feel.  Mike said he would have as hard a time “giving her up” as she would have with “giving him up,” but the worst thing to do would be to suppress such desires, if she were to feel them.  They would most certainly fester and manifest themselves in unhealthy ways.

Kayla was adamant she would never feel that way towards anyone else.  Mike and I know that, despite her current intentions, life happens and things change.  However, there was no need to discuss this further at this point as it was actually upsetting to Kayla.  

FORCED TO CHOOSE
They also talked about what would happen if the other person was not okay with her continuing our dynamic.  What then?  Kayla’s first response was simply, “I’d end it with that person.”  But, she also realized that love can be a powerful thing.  She then backtracked a bit and said, “I guess I would have to deal with it at that time and reconcile my love for you two with my love for that person.  I can’t fathom it right now.”

ALEXIS
Alexis is only 18, a freshman at the university.   They met in the library.  Alexis got married a month after graduating high school to a 24-year-old male.  This friendship is very different for Kayla as she has always had friends that were older than her, typically by four or more years.

They have met up several times, gone out to lunch, met up on campus, text back and forth, stuff like that.  Kayla said it feels more like a little sister/big sister type thing going on.  Nothing sexual, and she has never met the husband.   Kayla says she enjoys giving her advice and hearing about her past and her current situation.   

Kayla has shared with Alexis the basics of our relationship. and Alexis is “very” intrigued.  Alexis shared that spankings were part of her childhood up until she turned 16.  She never saw her dad spank her mom though and is unsure if that ever went on.  Alexis seems interested in incorporating some DD in her marriage and thus asked Kayla lots of questions about both Kayla’s D/s and about me and Mike.     

MICHAUD
Michaud is male, 25, single.  Michaud is actually his last name but everyone calls him by this.  I won’t share his first name, but it is a  pretty typical name.  Michaud does sound more mysterious!  And ooo-laa-laa, it is French!  He was actually born in France but has lived in the U.S. since he was about six or seven.

He is in one of her classes.  They have studied together, shared class notes, stuff like that.  They have also met for lunch and dinner, always preceding or following class or studying.  Nothing she would call an official “date.”  However, Kayla says she can see this relationship going further.

She shared her living arrangement with him, but he didn’t question it and thus she didn’t go further.  All he knows is she lives with an older couple.  She described it as, “I had to get out of the house and I moved in with an older couple I’ve known for a long time.”  That’s it.  He did ask her some questions about her relationship with her parents, but he didn’t ask more questions about who we were or why she lives with us or anything else.  Maybe it is a French thing?

Mike stopped short of telling Kayla that he must meet Michaud.  He did tell her that she needs to keep both he and I informed of their interactions.   Mike felt he wanted my perspective on Michaud with the hopes that between the two of us we could spot any red flags.  At this point, he seems normal and sincere.  Whatever “normal” is.

EXISTING FRIENDS
I’ve shared before that Kayla’s circle of friends before she moved in with us consisted primarily of people in their late 20’s.  This reflects Kayla’s penchant for having friends older than she is.  Kayla does go out on occasion, although it has been less and less frequent.   Part of that is due to Kayla being back in school, and part of it due to the schedules of those friends.

Kayla has told three of those friends about us, in great detail.  This includes her friend Daniel, who is gay, and includes her best friend, a female, who Kayla asked me to have rename nameless.  This is the friend that Kayla has had sex with and eventually was a third in her friend’s relationship with a man.  Kayla refers to that as a “poly-type” thing but it was more just threesomes than it was an actual relationship.   Anyway, that couple knows all about Kayla’s relationship with us.  Kayla still sees them occasionally, but stopped having sex with them shortly before she moved in with us.

ALL GOOD
Anyway, we are happy to see Kayla interact socially, both with her existing friends and with new ones.  We all recognize that relationships can get complicated, which is why open communication is so important.  All is well, whether it be with Kayla and her friends, Mike and Kayla, Mike and me, me and Kayla, or Mike, me, and Kayla. 

NEXT:  180.  Time for Discipline