Tag Archives: open marriage

353. On this date, March 153, 2020

So yes, I am alive. I really want to blog, but while it is mostly because I am lacking inspiration, I’ve come to understand that I am also lacking confidence. I’ve discovered that all bloggers, or anyone who creates a presence online, whether YouTube, Twitter, or whatever, need to have a level of confidence to continue that presence. A confidence that what they say matters, even if only to themselves.

For years my motivation for blogging was driven by knowing what I had to write mattered to me. I needed to get my thoughts out, think through experiences in more detail, and reconcile my new found lifestyle with who I once was. I’ve done that. Simply, I am at peace with my lifestyle. It’s really more than that. I am ecstatic with my life, but I am no longer intrigued by my inner workings and desires, nor amused by certain things. I don’t want to make it sound like I am bored – I am not. It’s just that my daily life seems routine to me.

For instance. My day today? This entire week was “deep clean” week. I moved all the furniture in each room, cleaned the floors, wiped all the baseboards, and even did paint touch ups of the nicks and scratches. I wasn’t even spanked once!

Yes, I am just a typical suburban submissive wife in a plural/poly open/swinging marriage that dabbles in BDSM and shuns wearing clothes unless absolutely necessary. What’s interesting about that?

And this terrible new editor in WordPress makes posting a chore!

I reviewed my FIVE half-written posts and figured I could at least put together something of interest. My mind just can’t seem to concentrate long enough to complete a full post. I go back and look at my drafts and find them uninspiring, unflattering, or disconnected ramblings. Hey, who said that? Was that you? I definitely heard someone say, “Well, Jen, that about sums up all your posts!”

Sigh.

CIRCLE OF TRUST HIATUS
Here’s an update on our swinging within our Circle of Trust. Swingset has been closed, thanks to Covid. We haven’t been together with our friends since our blow-out Swing-fest just prior to Covid. That was almost three months ago, but it feels like three years.

CALENDAR “MARCHES” ON
I heard someone say that today isn’t July 31. It is March 153. That’s about right. Well, since March 1, all three of my kids had birthdays. They are now 31, 24, and 20. It shocks me that J is 20! Wow!

Mike and I celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary! Albeit with a moonlight walk around the park and nearby lake, and maybe a little “funny business” in the woods. (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).

Mike just celebrated his 52 birthday, and my 51st is coming up. I don’t feel like I am in my 50’s. I still feel like, maybe 38? Whatever that means. Although, my lady-part problems are screaming, “Hey bitch, you are 51 and then some.” Yeah, I’ve had a return of my prior issues and a hysterectomy is in my future. I am fine with that, it’s just a bad time to schedule it re Covid and all. I am putting it off, maybe early next year if the discomfort doesn’t get too great.

Both Mike and Kayla’s jobs are secure for now, despite Covid. Both their companies had furloughs but they were not impacted. Kayla’s position is a bit tenuous and depending on how things go she might end up out of a job at some point. Mike’s position seems pretty solid. They both continue to work from home.

In some ways it been nice for the three of us to fully focus on just us. J has spent most of this pandemic at T1’s and E’s farm. Early on we visited a few times, and he came home for two weeks or so at one point. But he’s been “country-fied” and was dying to get back to the farm. He’s probably safer there if he keeps to T1 and E, but it’s L and the neighbors that worry me (aka, “The Nudies”).

With three kids and two adults, which include two young adults who can’t seem to stay away from their girlfriends, I am concerned about safety. J’s compromised immune system would likely struggle with Covid. We’ve put measures in place and it seems like everyone is adhering to them. So far, so good, but that’s of little solace knowing what the stakes are if someone gets careless. It worries me and I check in a lot, especially with Mrs. Nudie to make sure her and her family are acting responsibly.

Oh, and as I posted about previously, since March 1, we also celebrated our five years since adopting Domestic Discipline. Oh – and my blog turned 4 years old! So forget the hellscape that is America as we hurl towards civil war to fight a fascist take-over attempt in November, it’s all about ME and my milestones.

Yeah. I think my lack of enthusiasm for posting has something to do with that. I digress.

DISCIPLINE
Yes, I am still subject to Mike’s authority and discipline. I wouldn’t want it any other way. A spanking here, a spanking there. All in accordance with our Contract, which by default means, by my wishes. There have been a few “just because I need one” requests that I have made. I’ve found a good paddling is a tremendous release and distraction from world events. For me, reminding myself that my fulfillment comes from focusing on Mike and focusing on the things that make me happy (which is a redundant statement), helps reduce the stress and anxiety of living with a fascist leader of the country whose daily decisions kill people and put my own family at risk. Yeah, a spanking can actually make those thoughts melt away. At least for awhile.

I’ve share our Orgasm Control experiment in my last post. I made it through all of June without an orgasm. In fact, it wasn’t until July 2, that I came! Let’s just say fireworks came a little early, and cum they did! Mike then gave me “free reign” over my orgasms for almost two weeks, before restricting them again. Since then, I’ve been allowed here and there. I guess I could be posting more about it because that IS something that still amuses me and I am trying to fully understand my reaction.

I don’t want to repeat my prior post about it. Suffice to say that it still has had a very interesting and surprising impact on me. I think in a good way, but definitely in “a” way. Still sorting through that one. Strange indeed. Who knew?

Well, there you have it. That’s what’s been going on with me lately!

NEXT: 354. A SPANKING STORY

306. Cuck, Swinging, and NRE. Huh???

306

HELLO, IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?
I’ll save all the “I’ve been busy” stuff.    It will likely stay like that for a while, but today,  “Yea!  I got some ‘me’ time.” 

Mike decreed a day off for me.  No appointments, no commitments, no chores.  Mike took Kayla and J out for the entire day so it’s just me at home by myself.  So, I slept in a bit, which was really nice, and I surfed some television and had a relaxing morning.  And now I am blogging!    

With so much to share, I wasn’t sure where to start.   How about a bit of Jenny-rant on the topic of swinging?   Anyone?   Okay,  that’s one, two… alright, swinging it is!

CUCKS OR SWINGERS?
First a vocabulary check.  What’s the diff between cuck and swinging?  The line is fuzzy and there is overlap.  In my observation, like with most labels, the differences are more clear at the extremes. 

A “pure” cuckold never participates in the sex and either simply knows their partner is with someone or perhaps even watches.  They may not even have any say over who their partner is with. The less control, the greater the “cuck” and it can have strong feelings of humiliation for the cuck, which they thrive on.  Contrast that with a “pure” swinger who is a couple who likely agree on their own “rules of engagement” regarding the sex they both have with others.  No humiliation, just mutual sexual enjoyment with others.  

Thus, I describe TTWD to be both cuckolding and swinging, depending on the context.  Philosophically we feel more aligned with swinging than cuck, but, our swinging definitely can include cuck.  Clearly, we are not Swinger-purists.  So there you have it!  

WHY WRITE ABOUT THIS?!?
I was prompted to give this topic some thought because we recently expanded our “Circle of Trust” and have some new friends in our life.  I am sure I will write about them at some point.  As this couple was new to the lifestyle, I was put in a position to answer the question, “Why?” 

Great question.

WHY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE?
I shared a little bit about my thoughts on this topic back on Post 237.  Weird in a Good Way.   But I figured I should explore those thoughts a bit deeper. 

I researched swinging when we first opened up our marriage about three years ago because I had that same question.  But now I had to answer it to someone else.  I am sharing the concept that I shared with the couple who asked me this.  I’d love to give credit to wherever I first read about these concepts, but I don’t know where it was.  Of course, I’ve added my own opinions to it.  Here’s how I internalized all that I recall reading about and how I answered the question, “Why have an open marriage?”

Quick disclaimer – I am not saying why you SHOULD have an open marriage.  I am simply answering the question of why I do. 

DESIRE VERSUS COMMITMENT
It comes down to desire versus commitment

Desire:  It’s all the sizzle. . . 

  • It is the promise that comes with novelty
  • It is the anticipation that comes with mystery
  • It is the excitement that comes with the unknown  
  • It is the endless possibilities of our imagination
  • It is the pain of yearning that comes with distance from the object of your desire 
  • It is the challenge of a puzzle that beckons to be solved  
  • It is the power of attraction towards the person we desire

Commitment:   It’s all the “boring” stuff. . . 

  • It is the familiarity of routine
  • It is the security of the known and predictable
  • It is the comfort of a foregone conclusion
  • It is the constant closeness that precludes distance
  • It is the power of attraction towards the person to which we are committed

The “desire” that I describe is often summed up as NRE – New Relationship Energy.  It tends to ONLY exist at the beginning of a relationship.  If the relationship continues, it evolves into the Commitment phase.  The only constant is the attraction.  Yes, you are still attracted to the person, but, all the sizzle, all that NRE, is long gone.   Simply put, everything that really turns us about someone — I mean, really lights that fire of desire in our belly — eventually fades.  

Mystery becomes familiarity, novelty becomes routine, uncertainty becomes security, anticipation becomes a foregone conclusion, and the yearning of distance gets contracted into a near constant closeness.

The more attached we become to someone, the more we fear to lose them.  To keep from losing them, we increase our commitment to them.  In turn, if they fear losing us, they increase their commitment to you.   By default, this increase in commitment decreases desire.   Relationship rules and expectations begin to form to help us maintain commitment.  These rules and expectations become a subconscious way we place controls on each other.  Controls meant to add certainty, add familiarity, i.e., to add commitment.    

We think commitment alone will keep our relationship safe.  In fact, it can destroy the things that turned us on at the beginning of the relationship.  It’s ironic that we want to know everything about someone so that there is no mystery, and by doing so, we choke the life out of our desire for them. 

The relationship controls that we willingly accept in order to show and maintain our commitment can actually turn us off.  Those controls can eventually choke the desire out of our own daily routine and impact how we view ourselves.  They can fester and grow into resentments and feelings that actually undermine our commitment to the other person.         

WHAT CAN YOU DO?
About four years ago when I connected to all that I have stated here, in Jenny style I looked at it as a problem to be solved.  We adopted DD and eventually opened up our relationship.  Opened it first to each other, then to others.   We did it by increasing the desire in our relationship. 

We didn’t just increase one or two of those components but increased ALL of them.   I am sure there are countless other ways we could have done that, but, the way that resonated with me and with Mike was via sharing ourselves sexually.  First, 100% with each other (complete transparent communication and vulnerability)  and then, yes, even sharing ourselves sexually with others.   

This immediately and instantly increased every piece of the “desire equation” that I referenced in the above bullets. Instant NRE!   And the cuck element is that we each feed off the energy of the other and find immense pleasure in the others pleasure.  We also get a thrill from the taboo of it all.

Mike finds me irresistible when I find someone else attractive or I want to explore sexually with someone – or he tells me to explore and I comply.  It’s full of mystery…What will it be like?  Will I like it?  What does the future hold?    Everything is new, nothing is certain and the implicit danger and taboo enhances the erotic appeal.  It’s a full-on adrenaline release.  And I feel the same about him.  

And whether we are watching the other or simply knowing the other is with someone, the lack of togetherness actually stokes the flames of desire.  It raises the feelings of passion we have towards each other.  It revives our routine, it opens us up to further sexual experiences and exploration together.   BUT…

WARNING – RISKS!
It does have risks if you don’t have the right foundation for commitment.   And because we first started with 100% openness towards each other and made ourselves 100% vulnerable to the other,  we developed complete and total trust in one another.   That foundation of an unbreakable commitment to each other allows us to explore life in endless ways, including sexual, without fear of losing that commitment from the other person.   And all that exploration, whether sexual or not, only serves to flame our desire for each other.  Thus we maintain BOTH desire and commitment towards each other.  That’s very special and something we both cherish.

Next 307. Posting Blues

260. More Mike, Jen, & Kayla: Equity vs. Equality

260

OPEN MARRIAGE
Labels are always tricky.  I don’t like the word “open” in the context of my marriage.  It infers “always open” as in, no barriers to entry and just picking up whatever the wind blows in.  It’s not like that.

It is open in this context – we are open to the concept that love is not finite nor needs to be confined to just two people.  My marriage indeed has barriers – say, four walls and a roof – it is just that the doors aren’t sealed shut.   We are open to answering a knock and evaluating whether or not we let them in.

ANSWERING QUESTIONS
As we are now open about Kayla, a few brave souls have asked questions – both people in my family and, during our vacation, some of E’s family.  Neither Mike, Kayla, or I had any qualms about answering any questions. and most were directed to me.  I think being the wife they felt I had some sort of aggrieved status that made my answers more credible, or at least more interesting.  

Many of the questions inferred concerns which fell into the same three buckets as what my sister’s expressed about my DD.  It’s degrading, it’s unfair, it’s unhealthy.  I used some of the same responses I used on my sisters as shared in Post 136. 

People seemed generally receptive.  They at least seemed to respect that I had thought through those issues and at least reconciled them for myself.  I learned if I answer their questions truthfully and with conviction, they quickly go from being concerned to simply being curious.  That curiosity often led to discussions about our views on relationships in general.

As I mentioned, I used an approach similar to that in Post 136 in answering their questions.  However, as it just so happens, I came across an additional way I can express myself going forward and I wanted to share it. 

INSPIRATIONAL CREDIT
I credit livingwithx.wordpress.com as my inspiration (i.e., I copied a lot).  I encourage you to read his About section.   I love to reflect and get all esoteric – but I know I do it in a wordy and rambling sort of way.  I appreciate his ability to be succinct.  What takes me an entire post to try to convey, he accomplishes in a few words or bullet points.

The concerns people expressed to me were often rooted in confusing  FAIRNESS with SAMENESS (which I covered in Post 136).  But it is deeper than that, and livingwithx explained it in a way that I feel was more eloquent and powerful than delineating fairness from sameness.  Their concerns were also rooted in confusing EQUITY with EQUALITY.

You can pretty much substitute his word, Equity, with my word, Fairness, as well as his word, Equality, for my word, Sameness.  It isn’t so much the labels that were powerful to me, it was in how livingwithx defined them.  

Equity is giving your relationship everything it needs to be successful.
Equality is making sure everyone in the relationship is being treated the same.

It’s simple. In your relationship, do you value success, or do you value sameness?  The answer seems obvious, but society conditions us to focus on the latter.  People are quick to identify the injustice of the smallest inequality.  So much so that they often overlook the devastation that comes from a lack of equity. 

As I illustrated to my sisters in Post 136, their drive for equality in their relationship has led to a lot of inequities.  I am not saying they are miserable — they are happy in their marriages.  But I am saying their relationships with their husbands could be more fulfilling (and they agree!).   And part of the reason is their focus on equality over equity.

Next time I am posed with a “Kayla” question, I think I will start it with a statement that in my relationship with Mike, we value success over sameness.  Then let the conversation go from there.  I believe most people agree they want the former, not the latter.  If so, then it is simply about finding what it is that your relationship needs, and go for it.  So did my relationship actually “need” Kayla?   More on that in a bit. 

WHAT DOES EQUITY REQUIRE?
Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Ouch!  I think that deserves repeating.   Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Why do people stay in such relationships?  At least try to invest the equity it takes to improve things.  As someone who has always been very self-reflective and in constant state of investing equity, it is hard for me to relate to someone accepting an equal relationship over one that is equitable.

I’ll admit though that my investments in equity didn’t always pay off.  Partly because I wasn’t being honest with myself regarding what I really needed and partly because I wasn’t being honest with Mike in communicating what I thought I needed (i.e. I lacked vulnerability).  Oh, and partly because Mike wasn’t in an equitable state of mind because he was also focused on “equality” plus, he wasn’t always open and honest about what he needed (i.e he lacked vulnerability).  So yeah, just wanting and seeking equity doesn’t mean you’ll get it.

So if equity isn’t about seeking everything your relationship needs to be successful, what is it?   Oh!  It is about finding what it needs to be successful.  How do you do that?  It’s a learning process.  So how do you learn that?

IT STARTS WITH YOU – YOU ARE #1
I know it sounds selfish, but first, you have to know what you want and then, you must be willing to ask for what you want.  Simply put, you need to find a partner that fulfills YOUR NEEDS.  Nothing really selfish in that.  That is relationship 101.  Why would you want a partner that doesn’t do that?

In order to have your needs fulfilled, you have to communicate them (i.e. you have to be vulnerable).  My plethora of vulnerability posts can be found in the Finding My Happiness section of my Shortcuts.

IT THEN TURNS TO THE NEEDS OF THE OTHER
While it starts with you, it doesn’t end with you.   Equity requires that you focus on the needs of the relationship, which means – others in the relationship.  In order to have your needs fulfilled you have to be willing to fulfill your partner’s needs as well.  It is through that emotional and physical investment of fulfilling each other’s needs that you create EQUITY.  It doesn’t matter if the emotional and physical investments of each person were not EQUAL.    

In our case, there was a change in what I needed from our relationship and my life.  That change happened to involve DD.  I had to understand it first, then had to communicate it – that is, I had to ask for it.  That understanding/asking is laid out in my first half-dozen or so posts.

I was then fortunate enough to have a partner in Mike who was willing to invest his equity (efforts, emotions, actions, ) in fulfilling my needs as he saw that there was potential for my equity (efforts, emotions, actions) to fulfill his needs.   And what if there is a situation where partners don’t agree on the equity?   That’s where communication and give and take have to come in, and in our case, Mike’s role as HOH comes in.

What if you are having too many situations where we can’t agree things are equitable?  To me the result is that the relationship can’t be fulfilling.  Someone – maybe everyone – is settling for less than their needs require.  You can only do that for so long before resentment builds, leading to a downward spiral that self destructs the relationship.

DID MY RELATIONSHIP “NEED” KAYLA?
You can’t always define everything your relationship needs. It is more about addressing each of life’s situations and opportunities as they come.  So we didn’t “need” a third and then go looking for one.   Instead, our relationship has a need to remain open and honest about everyone’s wishes and desires.  This leads us to be open to life’s possibilities…in this case, the possibility of a third, such that when the right situation presented itself, it happened.  

Does that mean we are open to a fourth?  Why stop there.  A fifth?  Well, sure, why not? I don’t foresee that happening, but I know our relationship will take whatever path it needs to take to ensure success.  I can’t imagine how more people would add to our success, but frankly, I could have never imagined how Kayla could have done so.

So that is my long-winded way of laying out my thoughts on my marriage.  I don’t know that I specifically answered how it is that Kayla fits in to our “equity”  Or how say, John & Donna, or our overall sex life,  Matt, nudism, and oh yeah, and Domestic Discipline – how does all of that fit into our “equity?”    I think the simplest answer is, “It just works for us.”  Wow. This entire post could have probably been just those 5 words.  

With that settled. . . what of my inference to Mike’s Dominance perhaps evolving beyond where I would like it to be?   Well, that all makes for a good next post!

NEXT: 261.  A bit more on Kayla

259. More Mike

259

I recently gave updates on Matt and Kayla, so clearly I need to give an update on the most important person in my life – my husband Mike!  And in doing so, it is also an update on me and our relationship as a whole. 

If you have followed my journey since the beginning, you know that Mike has been amazing.  I got us into Domestic Discipline and while he had some reservations, he was willing to give it a try.  And try he did.

I am fortunate that he and I have stayed pretty much on the same page throughout our journey.  While I think our open communication has a lot to do with it, we have also just been lucky.

MIKE
Mike is happier than he has ever been in our marriage.  There is evidence beyond his demeanor, such as, he says it!  And it isn’t happiness of power, but happiness in the results of his influence – over me, over the family.   His satisfaction stems from seeing his significant investment of his emotional “equity” into our relationship pay off.    

I made a lot of the day-to-day decisions pre-DD, or at least heavily influenced Mike such that I usually got my way.   You may think it is easy to take the reigns of a household and start making decisions, but it isn’t.  In part it just wasn’t his nature — a nature that I influenced for 20+ years.  He also wasn’t confident in how I would react to his new role.  In other words, he was a bit hesitant and afraid of “being an asshole.”  I have never once thought such a thing.

I think Post 160 and Post 205 best sum of his evolution and how great he is.  Mike is timely and effective in making decisions, big and small.  He has sky-high confidence in his role as disciplinarian.  He made the transition of simply executing on my wishes for him to be dominant, to actually becoming a Dom.  In fact, he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be (more on that later).

Mike remains a wonderful father and an amazing husband.  He is a masterful Dom, both for me and Kayla – which is not easy as our needs as submissive are different.   And beyond just a Dom, he is a great husband.  He is loyal, trustworthy, sincere, a great listener, affectionate, empathetic, and the list goes on.  He is all those things to me, to our kids, and to Kayla.  It gives me great joy to share those things in him, with Kayla.

I mentioned before that Mike is an intensely private person.  He feels a lot of this stems from the childhood trauma from a robbery.   I shared before that his house was broken into and robbed when he was a child, and it was an extremely thorough robbery and what wasn’t taken was smashed and vandalized.

While he has come a long way in opening up to strangers, he still has a heightened distrust of people until he really gets to know them better.  — which is sometimes hard when he starts at a point of distrust.   Luckily he has a “tell all” wife who welcomes in anyone and everyone to help balance him out — although instead of “balance him out”, he tends to call it, “driving him crazy.”  lol.

JEN
Most of the journey was me pushing Mike to help me find my limits.  I found those limits.  I am where I want to be as his submissive and with DD.  This is one of the reasons my posts have lacked the yearning and self-revelations of my earlier posts.  I don’t yearn much and haven’t discovered some new revelation about myself.   

When I think back to what got me interested in DD, I never imagined how effective it would be in helping me be the person I wanted to be, nor what it would mean to my family for me to be that person.  My life feels tremendously purposeful and amazingly fulfilled.  So good that I feel a bit guilty in my pleasure when we are surrounded with so much suffering and injustice. 

My submissive mindset is sufficiently nourished, and not wanting.  But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?  Do we still have DD sympatico?  I mentioned he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be.   More on that in another post….hee hee.  I love a cliffhanger.

And before I get into resolving that cliffhanger, how can I write about my relationship with Mike without stating how I reconcile the little minor fact that, well, you know, it kind of includes a third person…someone who has evolved into being almost like a co-wife to Mike, and a partner to me.  Kayla! 

Yes, I gave you an update about her…but what can I say specifically about our triad in the context of how it impacts my relationship with Mike?   I don’t think I adequately addressed that in my updates.  Since fully coming out to everyone about Kayla, I have had to answer some questions from family.  So what of those questions and of my answers? 

 Sounds like a great next post, so that cliffhanger will have to wait as I next address this issue of how I explain my “open” marriage to those who ask.   

 

 

256. More Matt

256
THE LATEST WITH MATT

Mike and I talk about Matt with some frequency.  It is all about keeping in sync on our priorities and desires.  It’s been almost two months now since Matt and started our weekly date nights, plus we spent a weekend together at the coast.

Our dates consist of dinner followed up by some activity – we’ve done a comedy club, laser tag (I didn’t know those things were still around), and a painting class – so yeah, not just “dinner and a movie” although we’ve done that too.  And of course, sex!  In fact, we’ve sometimes skipped going out and just stayed in for lots of sex!

DATE NIGHTS WITH MATT
One night Matt took me to a strip club.  I had never been to one so was definitely curious, but also concerned.  The feminist in me still exists, and my concerns were about the young women being exploited.  This may irk some people for me to say, but, after my experience, frankly, I think it is the horny men that are being exploited.

Anyway, it was an interesting experience.  I actually asked Matt if we could repeat it.  I was very stand-offish and skeptical at first and didn’t really loosen up until the end after I had many conversations with the young women (costing Matt quite a few drinks to keep them interested in my boring questions).  I can see it could actually make for a fun and sexy date-night if I was more flirty and fun.  Next time!

That’s one of the reasons I enjoy myself with Matt — I can sort of be a different person and do things I wouldn’t normally feel comfortable doing.  I am not Jen-the-mom, Jen-the-wife, or Jen-the-anything.  I don’t seek to offend Matt and prefer he enjoy my presence, but frankly, I ultimately don’t care.  I can act out on impulse and be whomever I want for the night.  It serves as a nice break from my normal routine.  Hey – I heard that.  You just said, “Since when does ‘normal’ describe anything you do?

SLEEPOVERS
I am now spending the night at Matt’s on every other date-night, per Mike’s edict.  I’ve stayed with Matt three times now.  With J out of school, I think we will run out of excuses for where mom is in the morning.  Lots of early “doctor appointments” and “errands” lol.  On the off date-nights Matt and I come back to my place for sex.  Mike loves to watch.

We’ve talked about having Matt spend the night, but with J out of school, it will require some morning hi-jinks to keep Matt hidden.  And for now, T2 is home  — by the way, he graduated college and is leaving in a week to take a great job out-of-state. His girlfriend is moving with him.  Now back to our regular programming…

We will soon figure something out to make a Matt sleepover work because Mike is going to be out-of-town for work for several days in a few weeks.  Mike asked Matt to stay with me at our house and Matt agreed.  I accept it, but admit that it will feel weird.  I know it sounds dumb, but, having sex with Matt is one thing, having him sleep in “OUR” bed with Mike gone is another.  Funny, but I said to Mike, “I want Matt sleeping on my side of the bed and I will sleep on yours.”  Somehow that made me feel better.

SEX
I think I wrote a bit about this before, but sex with Matt is different from sex with Mike, and in a lot of ways mirrors the difference in the sex between Mike and Kayla.  With Matt, it is way more raw – more noisy, more sweaty, more raucous.   Mike and Kayla are a lot like that as well.

It isn’t that Mike and I can’t be those things together (sometimes we are), but, it just isn’t our preference.  I don’t know if it is 20+ years of vanilla sex that has conditioned us to prefer that from one another, or if we simply prefer our sex with each other to be more tender.  When we talk about it, I think the issue is when Mike and I have sex together we are more focused on the other person, whereas when we have sex with others, we are more focused on our own enjoyment.

That sounds selfish, especially about Mike and Kayla as we both love Kayla dearly, and what Matt and I have is not love at all.  But the D/s dynamic with Mike and Kayla is one that includes their sex – that is what Kayla desires of her submission.  Whereas with me, one-on-one sex with Mike and my submission to him are still more distinct.  Not totally mutually exclusive, but not totally inclusive as it is with Mike and Kayla.

Whatever it is, Mike and I find fulfillment in allowing the other to experience the joys of sex with other people.  He loves to see me as a sexual being – as someone who thoroughly enjoys sex – and I do.  When he watches Matt and I, he loves to give me directions.  He said it gives him a thrill to “order me” to do certain things with Matt.  In addition, there are times he tells me to be very explicit in telling Matt what I want him to do to me.  Mike loves hearing me ask for certain sexual acts.

Neither of us feels we are losing something when the other has sex with someone else.  I can’t explain it.  I am even surprised we both feel that way.  But we do, so it works for us.

JOHN AND DONNA
I haven’t mentioned them in a long time.  We still see them a lot and spend time each week at their house.  Those visits often, but not always, include sex.  In fact, at least on one of the nights Mike will be out-of-town, Kayla is going to spend the night at John and Donna’s.

I think the reason I don’t write much about them is that there isn’t anything new to write about.  Basically everything I shared before sums up our ongoing relationship with them and well, suffice to say it is ongoing!

UPCOMING EVENTS?
We are still talking to my parents about J’s annual stay at their house during the summer.  The last two years we’ve used his absence as an opportunity to explore some deeper forms of D/s, M/s, BDSM, or whatever (Post 31,  Post 150).   We hadn’t talked much about it until last night’s “Joint” Maintenance Session (Post 249).   We have some tentative plans, including some of the kinks we want to explore, which I’ll share on another post.

Next: 257. More Kayla

199. An Open Marriage!?

199

It’s about time for another general musing post, this time addressing my feelings about sex with Matt.  

Ultimately, yes, we have an open marriage.  Like any kink, when it comes to labels – what things are, what they mean, and how they make you feel – are going to be different for every person and couple.   I don’t think of our marriage as “open,” but it sure isn’t closed!  HA!  I like to think of it as being open to “possibilities” versus just wide open for all to come and go.   

IS IT CHEATING WITH PERMISSION?
No, that is not an accurate representation.  There is no cheating as we are always playing by the rules of behavior that Mike and I have established for ourselves.  It is only cheating if you break the rules. 

IS IT ALL ABOUT SEX?
No, it isn’t.  It’s about lots and lots of communication, trust, checking in with your own personal boundaries, and about having a great deal of confidence.  Confidence in yourself to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to you – and – confidence in your relationship to allow the other person to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to them.   Mike and I have great communication, clear definition of boundaries, high self-confidence, and high confidence in our relationship.  This leaves little room for accidentally crushing someone’s feelings or inciting jealousy. 

I’ve found that our sexual exploration with others has added to my sex life with Mike.  Being open creates opportunities to be exposed to new things that we may choose to incorporate in our relationship.   We can also explore sexual relationships or activities that involve both of us, such as threesomes, foursomes, or role-playing that require more than just the two of us.  I have desired and experienced things I never even gave thought to before DD.  And I have experienced things that I previously hid away in my head as pure fantasy.  

BOUNDARIES
Mike and I have boundaries, but there are no specific prohibited acts.  The boundary is simply that we have to both be aware of what the other is doing and be willing to talk about specifics if the other wants to know.   In other words, no secrets.  

This has been easy because most of our sex with others has been in the presence of each other.  The few times it hasn’t, we talk about it.   We talk about it because we are always interested in learning about what and why they liked or disliked what they did.  And we talk about it with a degree of indifference and nonchalance that you would think we were talking about some television show one of us saw without the other.  We don’t want to hear about every line in the show, but we want to know if it was enjoyable.  That, and, well, whether or not there were one or more orgasms and what orifice did they come in.   Yeah, exactly something you’d want to know about a show they saw without you.  HA!! 

I do have some additional “rules” that Mike doesn’t have.  Namely I can only be with others with his specific approval.  Contrast this with Mike who  is free to be with anyone at anytime, just so long as he tells me about it.  He only has to tell me in advance if the time being spent with the other person takes away from time with me.  For instance, if he were to go out while I was at home and he wanted to have sex with someone.  But, if say he was on a business trip and had the opportunity for sex, he can simply tell me about it later.  By the way, I came up with that rule, not Mike. 

Although we have these rules, we haven’t needed to implement them much.  But Mike and I have at least talked about it because we are aware that our relationship is such that these things could happen.  Neither of us are currently seeking sexual partners outside our current “circle of trust” but we aren’t adverse to it if the opportunity presents itself.   That current “circle of trust” includes Kayla, John, Donna, and at least for the moment, Matt.  

OTHER BENEFITS
Being open with sex means having more frank conversations.  Once sex lost all vestiges of taboo in our conversations, we both became comfortable admitting when we are or aren’t in the mood, and more comfortable talking about people we are attracted to and the things we enjoyed doing (or having done to us).  This led to learning new things about each other and made us closer. 

I was married to Mike for almost 25 years before I really understood what he liked the most about sex.  And the same is true for Mike fully understanding what I enjoyed most about sex.  How sad we went so long with “secrets” about what made us feel good. Why do people do that!?!?   We wouldn’t keep such secrets about anything else in life, so why keep them regarding sex? 

WHAT NEXT?
I don’t know.  It’s possible our “circle of trust” never grows further.  We both seem to prefer fewer, deeper relationships than many casual ones.  We haven’t really put ourselves in a position to have opportunities for more sexual partners.   We did “flirt” a bit with some FetLife functions and of course there was “the party.”  While they were fun, we just didn’t connect with the people with met.  

Mike and I share our sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies with each other.  When we got into DD we made this a priority, and honestly, it was very difficult and took time to fully evolve to where we share everything.  Here’s an excerpt from that post: 

Sit down with your partner and have a discussion on the differences between sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Then, if you are so bold, actually share your sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  

Once you get over the terror and embarrassment, it becomes some of the most amazing conversations you will ever have with your partner. 

REMAINING DESIRES? 
We define a sexual “fantasy” as something we actually don’t want to do (for now) or that may implausible or impossible.   Whereas, a sexual “desire” is something we aspire to experience.  Over time there are things that could move from the “fantasy” box to the “desire” box.

One such fantasy that made this move is my “stranger in the night” fantasy.  In it I have sex with some random stranger, man or woman, and never know who they are, not even a name.  This merged with a fantasy of Mike’s where he basically “pimps” me out (but obviously with no money being exchanged).   The experience with Matt  was close to this, but Matt isn’t a stranger.   In this merged fantasy Mike and I have talked about going out with the intent of seducing someone, man or woman, to have sex with me.  We could make this happen if we stayed engaged in FetLife activities, but both of us share the desire for this to be more organic.  That is, unexpected — not a kink event where such things are likely to occur, but just say a random encounter at a restaurant.

Even if we don’t ever fully act on this desire, sharing it and merging his desire with mine has provided some great titillation.   There are times we are out and one of us says to the other, “How about that one?”  And then we talk about how we would seduce them and what we would do.  Just talking about it gets us both all hot and bothered.  Perhaps some day will we actually try to make it happen.

FANTASIES?
One of Mike’s fantasies involves me as a “Center of Attention” with a lot of guys.  In his words, “like at least seven, if not ten.”   A hallmark of this fantasy is that it ends with me drenched in their cum.  Mike admits he likes the thought of it, but not actually wants me to do it.   Mike did ask me if it was something I would do.  I said yes, of course, but that didn’t change his views that this should stay a fantasy of his.   He sort of got an inkling of what it would actually be like and that was enough to convince him to keep it a fantasy.

Knowing that Mike had this fantasy, I had John come on my face.  When we were done, Mike was like, “Ew, please go wash up.”  He didn’t want to kiss me or get close to me, even after I scrubbed.  So yeah, the fantasy is almost always better than the reality because in the fantasy you don’t have to consider such things.

One of my fantasies includes Mike having sex with other men.  It’s something I know he isn’t into (I’ve asked!) and thus I leave it as a fantasy.  I wonder if this is common fantasy for women?  It really gets me off to think about sharing sucking a cock with him.  Did my stating that make you feel weird?  Well, that’s the thing about being completely open and honest with your partner.  You can say such things as if you simply asking if you wanted to share a piece of cake.  It’s no big deal if they say no.

Bottom line, both Mike and I feel 100% confident to ask for and enjoy anything sexually, whether with each other or someone else.

Next: Post 200.  Balloons and Submission?

115. My Abundant Life

abundance

I’ve realized that I prefer to blog about things that have happened several days ago and/or have reached some sort of conclusion versus blogging as events unfold or where the implications are uncertain.  I think I am just more eager to share something once I have reconciled it in my mind.  I guess that’s why I tend to be upbeat in my posts (or at least think I am).  With some exception, I tend not to post during times of indecisiveness or worry.  The result is I tend to write when I have good feelings about resolved situations and optimism about the future.  Not sure what that says about me, but, it’s a pattern I’ve noticed with myself.  This is defintely one of those posts!  

OPEN MARRIAGE?
Anyway, I thought I’d post about Kayla but in a different way than before.  More about what she has meant to me and my relationship with Mike.. You could call our marriage an “open marriage” but that label is not entirely accurate.  I would call it “situational openness.”  Thus far the only situations where we have swapped partners or had sex with others or threesomes has been with John and Donna, and with Kayla.  We are completely comfortable with that and plan to continue, but no plans to expand that – but also not adverse to it if the right situation came up.  

Whatever you call this openness, we are new to it.  It hasn’t been six months since our first “swinging” foray with John and Donna, and of course, the stuff with Kayla is just since the end of last year.  So while it is new to us, it also seems so natural and old hat to us.

NEW ENERGY!  Spankings as recreation?
Having Kayla living with us has injected a new energy into an already energetic household and relationship.  It’s like the thrill of a shiny new toy, and we all are serving as each others plaything in one way or another.  Not just sexual, although that is a big part of it, but even in just conversations about every day things and in sharing more about our ourselves and life experiences.  

Kayla has injected a greater playfulness than Mike and I have.  She likes to role play and set up scenes and roleplays for us.  Like a choreographer, she sets the music and lighting, and will pick out the toys.  Sometimes it is just us being us, but often she will give us a general idea as to the roles, from teacher/student, to doctor/patient, to master/slave, etc.  It is really fun and something I know Mike and I wouldn’t do on our own.  Not because we are adverse to it, but, it just isn’t something we do – but we do now – with Kayla!

The “scene” thing is entirely new to us.  Except for some “punishment” play with John and Donna, Mike and I have kept spankings and what not exclusive to punishments.  These scenes with Kayla are new in that spanking, flogging, etc., are all just in play.  A very different sensation.  I can’t explain it, because it may be the same intensity, or perhaps not, but the body reacts very differently.  It is more self-indulgent and more sensual.  

WE ALL ARE BARE DOWN THERE!
Another playful thing she did was to shave Mike’s pubes!  Mike never went bare down there and she was encouraging him to give it a try.  She finally just took it upon herself and hopped in the shower with him, scissors, razor, and shaving cream in hand, and he finally relented.  I think it makes him look a bit funny – not sure what it is – perhaps I am preconditioned to think of hair as masculine, and seeing him bare down there is emasculating.  I know that is just a personal bias, but it is how I reacted.  I never said anything and told Mike I was happy with whatever he decided regarding keeping it or not.  In my mind I was sure I would grow to like it and just needed to get used to it.  Mike kept it shaved for a little more than a week and just started to let it grow back.   

KAYLA’S SEX DRIVE
Kayla also has a pretty large sexual appetite.  She admits she has never had so much sex as she has had in the last month or so.  A day doesn’t go by that she isn’t involved in at least two or three acts, and she hasn’t slowed down.  She really loves to perform oral sex.  While she likes to perform it on me, she really loves to perform it on Mike.  I’ve “caught” her giving head on many occasions. Anytime there isn’t anyone else home, I can pretty much count on running into Kayla on her knees with Mike’s cock in her mouth.  I’ve even been awaken in the middle of the night from movement on the bed, only to roll over and see Kayla down in the sheets going at it.  I am perfectly fine with all of this.  I am not possessive of Mike when it comes to sex.  I get plenty of love and attention and sex from him and I am not threatened by him enjoying himself sexually without me.  I actually get a thrill from it. 

Last weekend Kayla had anal sex for the first time.  She enjoyed it.  She had been practically begging for it and Mike was putting her off, just to tease her.  Well, tease no more.  It was nice to watch someone, especially someone you love, experiencing something new for the first time.  It went well, and has been repeated several times.

MIKE AND KAYLA TAKE A ROAD TRIP
Today Mike and Kayla left for Orlando.  Mike has a business meeting and Kayla is tagging along.  Although he just has one meeting tomorrow and could return home tomorrow night, they are staying tomorrow night and Friday night.  They’ll be back Saturday.  I know it is weird and a bit hard to admit, but, I love this.  Much like Mike’s date night with Donna (shared in Post 90), I get a thrill from this.  I enjoy knowing Mike is having the time of his life, living a fantasy of being like a king.  I couldn’t be happier to allow him that experience.  

WHAT’S UP WITH JOHN AND DONNA? 
Oh, on the subject of Donna, Kayla joined us one time over to John and Donna’s.   Kayla hasn’t had sex with all of us — would 5 qualify as an orgy?  Anyway, while no sex, there is a “topless” rule at their house that Kayla adheres to, so me, Donna, and Kayla remain topless at all times – of course, often Donna and I are completely naked.  Kayla watched but didn’t participate.  She just wanted to get a sense of what all went on before deciding what she may be interested in doing.  Thus far she indicated she isn’t interested in sex with them, but would like to participate in the scenes.  She showed a particular interest in the bondage horse and other accoutrements they have.   I am certain on her next visit she will be trying out some of their toys and be more involved, perhaps as a spankee or other object of attention, excluding sex with John or Donna.    We shall see. 

THE CANE!
I mentioned in my last post that we got a cane. It is rattan with a crook, like you would imagine belongs in an old school house.   Kayla wanted it.  Both of us have since been spanked with it.  Gee, thanks Kayla!  I don’t like it.  I much more prefer the flat spanking implements (hand is still my favorite) than the sting of the cane.  However, I will say I enjoy watching it used on Kayla.  I admit the stripes it makes does something for me.  It’s a turn on.  Kayla likes it, and says she prefers it to the paddles.  The downside is she can’t take as many with the cane as she can with a paddle so the experience, while more intense for her, is shorter. 

CHORES GALORE!
Let’s see, what else?  I am just trying to give you a full download of the various things that Kayla has added to my DD household.  Oh, the chores!  It is great to have a second set of hands to help out, and Kayla takes her cleaning responsibilities as serious as I do.  In fact, she takes all her “acts of service” seriously.  She is highly organized, even more than I am and that is tough to do.  She gets a lot of fulfillment out of all the things she does every day.  Of course, with two of us it has meant that we run out of things to do. When that has happened, one of us, or Mike, will then come up with something new for us to add to our lists.  I must say my house has never sparkled so much!  My pantry, closet, drawers, garage, kitchen – you name it, looks a bit like an anal retentive s dream.  Make that wet dream, given we typically do all our housework in the nude!   

SPANKINGS GALORE!
I mentioned in my last post that Mike is becoming a bit of a hard ass.  I say that lovingly and is something I have said to him in loving jest.  Part because Kayla asked for greater rules and structure, and part because Mike is growing into a Dominant mind set.  He doesn’t just limit his greater dominance to dealing with Kayla.  I’ve been spanked for things I would never have thought I would be spanked for.  The hangers aren’t all facing the same way in the closet, something wasn’t ironed well enough,  or heaven forbid, I used something other than a loving tone in responding to him.   Oh my god – I love it!   Yes, as crazy as it sounds, I enjoy this.  I enjoy it, Mike enjoys it, and Kayla enjoys it.  While there is a lot of work that goes into all of this, it is packaged in a tremendous amount of love and play.  

LIFE GALORE!
No matter what the dynamics of a household or your life is, life happens.  That means there will be highs and lows along the way.  I know we have had them and will continue to have them, no different from your life or anyone else’s.   And don’t think I never have doubts.  There have been evenings I’ve laid in bed after an unfulfilling day, with my nipples sore from the clamps that were applied that day, my ass throbbing from a spanking, and my body just tired from the busy day and I’ve thought, “What am I doing?”  

Doubts don’t concern me.  In fact, I would be concerned if I never had them.  But each time I do I find it is simply an opportunity to reaffirm my confidence and love for the choices I have made.  

While almost two years into adopting DD, I still love it, have no regrets, and remain excited about each day.  I love life, every moment, every day!  I am living a life of abundance!

NEXT:  116.  Revealing DD to my Sisters