Tag Archives: open marriage

386. Immersion 2022 – COT Reunion Drama?

Time for some kink.

Ha. Same image and title as I used when sharing our last “Immersion” fun back in 2020. Here’s the post about the 2020 funfest and it includes links to 2019 and other Immersions.

This will be a bit of rambley post (is that word? It is now). But that’s just to show you I haven’t changed! ūüôā

For the DDJenny uninitiated:

IMMERSION
Immersion started off as a once a year time for us to test limits, to explore deeper, often darker, forms of submissions. More Master/slave than Dominant/submissive, more BDSM than DD. We then started combining our Immersion with gatherings of our COT.

COT (Circle of Trust)
COT is the term we use to refer to our “like-minded” friends that we “play” with. In other words, kinky friends with whom we fuck together. Gosh, that doesn’t sound as nice as that first sentence. Oh well, truth hurts! LOL. Our COT is basically 4 couples and the three of us. That’s the core group, but there are a few “guests” at times.

IMMERSSION / COT GATHERING 2022
This year we spent a week at our “place in the woods.” A now, often used place we love to rent to get away from it all. As the name implies, it is remote and fairly isolated. With binoculars you can see another home, otherwise, you see trees and dirt.

We spent the first two days doing some of the M/s type things we’ve done in past Immersions. I won’t go into it, not because I don’t want to share, but, I have other things to share in this post. If you want to get an idea as to what those activities are, use the link at the start of the post to see the 2020 details and links to prior years.

We really haven’t deepened our exploration of new things in the last few immersions. I think the three of us have found our limits as well as found the limits we are comfortable relaxing during Immersion. The first two days of our stay was just the three of us revisiting (exploring) those limits. Then, our COT began to arrive and the fun really began.

COT’S TAKE TEAMWORK AND COOPERATION
I really liked the image on this post as it evokes thoughts of teamwork and cooperation. And with 5 couples in our Circle of Trust (COT) – okay 4 couples and 1 triad if you want to be technical. . . With 11 people sharing several days together and sharing way more than just their time (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), it takes teamwork and cooperation to hold things together.

Despite the time apart the relationships between everyone appears to be strong. Everyone is open about their individual needs and their needs within their own relationships and everyone is equally respectful of every one else’s needs. But, as we learned, needs change, and we all needed to share those changes. More on that in a bit.

One of our COT rules is that the women don’t get to complain. They can bring issues to their man, but they don’t bicker or complain to other men or the other women, and definitely do not talk bad of anyone. Maybe that’s why our COT works? The women aren’t allowed to be bitchy. LOL.

Okay, okay. I didn’t mean that as a misogynistic dig at us women. Honestly, I feel it is less about gender and more about the fact that because a group, which happens to be women, defers to a smaller group, conflicts can get resolved more easily Instead of 11 personalities advocating for their needs, it’s 5. And those 5, (the men), are savvy enough Dom’s to appropriately incorporate the needs of their women and balance the “greater good” of the fun everyone has in the COT.

Another rule is that issues are often aired publicly, for all to hear. I am not sure who first came up with the concept, but the men decided that it was best to share conflicts, and their resolution, with everyone. So if you do complain, everyone is going to know about it. It doesn’t prevent complaints, but it definitely creates an environment where concerns are respectfully aired.

MIKE DISCIPLINES CHELSEA
Our gathering began as any social gathering of friends may begin, except the women were naked. Minor exception, right? hee-hee. Point is, there was a lot of small talk, catching up on family, work, and life stuff.

During the chit-chat, Chelsea complained to me and Kayla about something irking her about Kim. I told her after her first comment that she needed to talk to Jaime about it. The second time she did it I told her that if she doesn’t go to Jaime, I would need to go to Mike about her behavior (per our standards, I would not bring a complain to another person, only to my husband).

When Chelsea commented about Kim for the third time, I had to tell Mike. After I did that, Mike talked to Jaime and to my surprise (maybe I should have expected it), Mike called Chelsea out of the living room with everyone around. “Chelsea, come with me right now.” It was stern and anything but discreet. The room got silent for a minute or two as Mike took Chelsea by the hand and directed her to one of the bedrooms.

The chatter in the room resumed but soon, even with the idle chatter, you could hear that someone was being spanked, and you knew it wasn’t Mike. I could see people looking over at Jaime, a bit puzzled. It didn’t dawn on me until then that, other than John and Donna, no one was fully aware of Mike’s role within Jaime and Chelsea’s dynamic. They would be now.

When Mike and Chelsea emerged, you could see the tears in her eyes and the redness of her bottom. Chelsea then apologized to everyone for disrupting the fun and then admitted she had done wrong by complaining about someone to me and Kayla. She then had to say who and what it was that was bothering her.

Chelsea didn’t like the way Kim was talking to TJ. It didn’t sound “submissive enough” to her. She noticed Kim would interrupt TJ mid-sentence, or correct certain things he said. Chelsea apologized to TJ and to Kim, admitting it was improper for her to go to me and Kayla and she should have gone to Jaime with her concerns. She also apologized and thanked me and Kayla for putting us in a position of having to hear her complaints. Mike then spanked her about ten more times right in front of everyone.

TJ accepted the apology and Kim even apologized for making Chelsea feel uneasy. They both explained their dynamic had evolved a bit over the last two years and apparently it showed. They went on to explain they identify more as swingers than D/s. There is still some Domestic Discipline that goes on, but Kim doesn’t get spanked very often. And she isn’t subject to many rules, especially when it comes to deferring to TJ. They didn’t realize it was that obvious. Kim even said that maybe some bad habits have creeped in that the two of them will need to talk about as, D/s or no D/s, she doesn’t want to come across as disrespectful. All in all it was a productive exchange. Teamwork and cooperation!

BUT, WHAT ABOUT MIKE AND CHELSEA?
Then, Kim brought up the elephant in the room. A no, it wasn’t the large, wood carved elephant decoration in the room. She said, “Now, that we’ve explained what’s going on with us, Jaime, why did Mike discipline your wife?”

The way Kim said it could have been taken two ways. It could have been interpreted as snarky, like, “Girl, you gonna’ question MY husband about what he expects from me when YOUR husband can’t address what is expected of YOU! Or, it could have been taken as truly being inquisitive.

Jaime interpreted it as the latter, thankfully. I think that’s another magic ingredient of our COT. People assume the best intentions of others. I think it is easier for us to do that because generally everyone is honest, to a fault. If someone doesn’t like something, you’ll know it in clear terms, no anal-retentive, passive-aggressive behavior. ANYWAY, he took her question in good faith and said, “We’ve had some changes too. Consider the Domestic Discipline in my house as being outsourced to Mike.” People nodded and that was that. Teamwork and cooperation.

That was the only drama of the gathering, and there was one surprise. On the last day everyone was there, two mystery guests arrived! Two men. So for the first time, the men outnumbered the women, seven to six. Who were they? What did they partake in, if anything? And, why did Kayla never get to see them? That, and more, on my next post! Sorry to leave you with that cliffhanger twice in a row, but I wanted to share the Chelsea incident first. I promise, next time I’ll share what, if any, kink-action the two penises, uh, er, ahem. . . I mean, the two men, saw.

385. COT Congregation and Immersion 2022

So much to catch you all up on after a year long hiatus. Will just skip to more current events. And will skip trying to find an image to go with this post.

COT CONGREGATION / IMMERSION
We had our first congregation of our “Circle of Trust” since Covid. Can’t believe two years went by! While we saw John and Donna quite a bit during the Covid-times, and as things improved we saw Jaime and Chelsea, and Matt (without Jill), we had yet to get together as a full group until the first weekend in April. If fools are kinky, we definitely lived up to April Fool’s!

It was the first time we saw TJ and Kim in two years. We’ve kept in touch via text and phone calls. We did a few video calls early on in Covid but none of us found them particularly fun, despite our best efforts (wink wink, nudge nudge). So it was great to catch up with them face-to-face, and um, tbh, penis to vagina! Yeah, it may have been two years but we found it easy to pick up where we left off.

It was the three of us, of course, and John and Donna, Matt and Jill, Jaime and Chelsea, and TJ and Kim. We invited Raul and Valerie but they opted out. They didn’t join us last year either. They are not averse to “extra-marital activities” but don’t like the group scene. We respect that but still invite them in case the mood hits them. We invited them to over with just the three of us, and they came back and asked if I would just visit them. Of course! I’ll be going over later this week!

Everyone in the group is fully vaccinated and boosted, but not without a little drama. Jill put off hers for some time. She’s sweet and all, and educated, but doesn’t follow the news at all. Unfortunately, she ends up relying on her Facebook friends to keep her informed. It’s more that she just didn’t know any better and after some educating by Matt and others, she eventually woke up and realized the value of being vaxed. Yep, Jill, no tracker was put into your DNA, despite what your FB “expert” friend McKaleigh says. I digress.

The real drama has been Jaime and Chelsea. Chelsea stayed with us for almost two months at the start of this year. The second time she has done so as Jaime was off on a contracting job. I believed I mentioned he is a plumber. Self-employed and often gets work on a crews that do large commercial properties. He might be gone for days or weeks when he gets an out of town job.

I wish I had been blogging during her visit as I think it would be have been great blog fodder. Much of the visit is now a blur but there was a time during her stay that I thought perhaps her stay might become permanent. Yep, our trio becoming a quartet. But Mike assured me that was not the case.

Jaime and Chelsea have had problems but seem to have finally reconciled them. I chalk it up to a combination of immaturity and lack of 100% communication. Despite all they have shared with each other, they were both still holding back regarding their feelings, needs, and desires. What came of their last visit is that essentially Mike is Chelsea’s Dom. Chelsea submits to Jaime but Mike is the disciplinarian. I wouldn’t fully describe Jaime as a cuck, but definitely cuck-ish. I think it took him time to fully admit that to himself and others. And now that he has, things are better with them. He readily admits that before he could accept that about himself, he would resent Chelsea doing the very things he enjoyed seeing her do with other men.

And Chelsea also had her own revelation in that she admitted that while she loves submitting to her husband, she didn’t like him performing the discipline. She had been conflicted, wanting to be disciplined and resenting when he wouldn’t do it, and then resenting it when he would.

I’ve shared before that she grew up in a household where her dad spanked the kids and her mom. As much as she hated it and couldn’t wait to leave home, she feels she needs that kind of discipline but doesn’t want it from her husband. And from the start Jaime admitted that spanking her is not something he particularly enjoys. But he does enjoy her obedience and accepting discipline, even if he isn’t going to give it.

It wasn’t like they were purposely hiding these feelings. They just didn’t want to recognize what it is they were feeling. They both tried to suppress those feelings as they both were feeling guilty for what they were needing and feeling. And more than guilt, they felt weird, odd, even defective, for feeling those things. It’s hard to admit things to yourself and as long as you are unable to do so, you definitely can’t admit them to others. But your “truth” will eat at you and denying your truth will manifest itself in unhealthy ways. For them, that manifestation was in how they often treated each other. The resent they would show for each other was really a resentment of their own needs and desires.

Once they let go of that and recognized they needed to embrace their feelings as valid, no matter how weird, odd, or “defective” they were, they were able to heal – together – and “codify” changes in their relationship that removed all resentments.

Today they maintain an open marriage where she has sex with others, with his permission, and Mike provides her discipline. Mike will go over to their apartment or sometimes they drop by the house when it’s needed. He also goes over on the weekend for a sort of “Maintenance” session. I like to say that Jaime has outsourced Chelsea’s discipline to Mike.

Weird I know. But so is your kink! It works for them, it works for Mike, so what of it? I love that another couple trusts Mike so much that they have him performing this role in their relationship. We all got to see this in action during our “COT Congregation” when Mike had to discipline Chelsea for her behavior. But maybe that will be for another post?

Speaking of another post, another one will also be required to talk more of our 2022 Congregation and “Immersion.” But I’ll leave you with this teaser. . .

Mike rented our “place in the woods” yet again. And while our COT is comprised of 5 men and 6 women, then men actually outnumbered the women for some time! Two mystery guests were invited! Hey, we had to do something to make up for lost time!

NEXT POST: 386. IMMERSION 2022 – COT REUNION DRAMA?

383. Baby Daddy

Jumping right in and picking up from my last post. . .

THE FRO-ZONE

Mike had a vasectomy a long time ago. At my urging he stored some man juice. At the time he thought it was dumb, but I insisted. And fortunately at that time, I ruled!! Those were the days! LOL. Seriously though, I felt strongly that if something ever happened to me I didn’t want to deprive him, or some other woman, of at least having the option of having kids.

So Mike put some sperm on ice! It wasn‚Äôt that expensive to be storing it and, periodically when the bill came due Mike would talk about ending it. I kept insisting he hold on a few more years.  Then, when Kayla came into our lives as a lover and wife, we both felt, ‚ÄúWell, you never know.‚ÄĚ  Even though Kayla was originally of the mindset of never having kids, we knew that mindset could change.   And right we were.

TELLING KAYLA

Kayla knew Mike had a vasectomy and her thoughts were to have a sperm donor. We purposely never told her of the Mike’s special savings account because we never wanted her to feel pressured to have to make a withdrawal. And even though she now wanted a baby, we were uncertain she would embrace the idea. Sharing this with her wasn’t easy for Mike and me. But we knew we had to tell her this was an option.

We were concerned she would feel pressured. That she would HAVE to say yes. We were also concerned the other way – that she would feel offended that we didn’t just assume that this was the way to go. Perhaps she would feel insulted such as, ‚ÄúWhy wouldn‚Äôt I want that?” and “Why wouldn‚Äôt you want that for me?‚ÄĚ    

While both of us were okay with whatever Kayla decided, we DID have a preference. It was our preference for Mike to be the father. We both consider Kayla a permanent presence in our life. If there is to be a child, why not Mike’s?

Mike handled the talking and there was a lot of prefacing the “surprise” with a lot of, “We support you.” So much so that she finally say, “I feel a giant ‘but’ coming, so what’s up?” Mike said something like, “It’s not a ‘but,’ it’s an ‘and.’ AND what would you say about the possibility of me being the father?”

The news made her cry. A lot. And for quite some time. And they were all happy tears. She didn’t give us an scintilla of grief for keeping this from her or from implying she had the option of saying no. This took her baby fever, and ours, from a fever to a full on possession! We all immediately went into overdrive on the planning and preparations.

I thought of stopping here and picking up on another post per my stated intentions of trying to make my posts smaller but more frequent. Oh well, that didn’t last. At least the smaller part. As for frequency, that remains to be seen (so far so good though). So. . . .

LOTS TO DO

Doctor visits! The insemination process is simple. She will have intra-uterine insemination (IUI). The date is semi-set for late July. Exact date will depend on when tests show it’s the optimal time for successful conception. If it takes on the first attempt, well — duh, baby in about nine months, around April. If it doesn’t take, we’ll repeat it and even repeat it again.

The doctor feels the chances are good as all the preliminary tests for Kayla look good and the tests done back when Mike made his “deposit” showed strong counts. But still, sometimes it can still take a few attempts. There enough Mike-spunk for probably six attempts.

In addition to the mechanics of conception, there are some legal things we are addressing. Mike is in charge of that. He has a family law attorney working on making sure everything gets addressed for everyone’s protection, especially for the child. Mike and Kayla will be the legal parents. And we will be updating wills and other things so that there is a blueprint to follow if live throws us a curve.

Family law as it pertains to non-monogamous/polyamorous parenting is in its’ infancy but evolving quickly. As the biological parents, Mike and Kayla are pretty much covered. Not being legally married can create some issues, but ones we are addressing in advance. And for me, well, we will just have to wait for laws to catch up with the wider reality of relationships.

It’s weird that the baby will have such an old father. I know, I know. You’re saying, “Jen, THAT ain’t the weird thing!” Okay, so yeah, the weird thing is my grandson will have an uncle that is younger than he is. What, that’s not it either? Then what is it?

Oh, you mean the whole, “The baby will have a dad with two submissive wives” thing? And the fact that MY husband is going to father a baby with another woman that I will take part in raising?

That’s not weird, that’s just practical. I can’t have any more babies coming out of me. That whole thing is shut-down, LOL.

It wasn’t as hard of a choice as you might have thought. I wish I was blogging back when we made this decision (which was only a few months ago) because honestly, I am so excited and at peace with this that I don’t recall all the dialogue, whether internal or with Mike and Kayla.

We’ve been reading books and articles on families raised in polyamory and we feel very much “ahead of the game” in the planning we’ve done. We’re pretty much ready!

Oh, and work-wise, Kayla plans to stay home. She will take as long as she can off, even an extended leave of absence, and then see. Maybe eventually work part-time from home, more freelance. No need to solve for this right now as we don’t know yet if the IUI will work.

WHO AM I?

We talked about titles. I mean, who am I to the baby? Kayla put that to rest and said, “You’re Mama Jen.” Works for me.

Yes, this is totally big news. The biggest! It changes the trajectory of the rest of our lives, and creates a trajectory for a soon-to-be human. We know that as the baby grows up we will have to make adjustments, but so does every family.

Oh, speaking of family. We haven’t shared this with anyone yet. Want to wait until Kayla is actually pregnant before announcing it.

Okay. Enough baby talk. Let’s talk about, oh, I don’t know… MY DD! Or more correctly, DD that’s for me! Next post.

NEXT: 384. WHAT’S UP WITH FAM AND FRIENDS

368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

Figured I’d close the loop with you all on what happened/is happening with Chelsea. As shared in several posts, she stayed with us for while as her husband worked on out-of-town job. (Post 357, Post 358, and Post 359).

I am sharing this in part because I find it fascinating and I think others might relate to bits and pieces of this. Even if you don’t, it may satisfy the voyeur in you that likes to peer into the lives of others.

Her time with us was full of personal revelations for her as I detailed in 359. There was one revelations that was not on the list as she didn’t come to it until later in her visit. That is, she realized she had a lot of controlling behaviors when it came to how she treated her husband, Jaime.

She is controlling, but not in a “tell him what to do” sort of way. She tries to control how he feels about her and how he reacts to her. She is submissive in that she likes to be under his guidance and be told what to do and have to meet his expectations. But even with that, she still wants control over his reactions to her. She wants to be recognized as nice, loving, and caring. Of course, who doesn’t? But for her, it creates two sets of consequences.

One, when she doesn’t get the reaction she wants, she sulks, she misbehaves, and her body language is disapproving. She is likely to start a debate about something he asks of her. Simply, she undermines the dominance she wants from him.

The second consequence of her actions is that it causes Jaime to become uncertain, hesitant, and insecure about whether he is “doing it right” as far as being the Dom she desires. Jaime is a bit shy and reserved by nature. When Chelsea does something he perceives as a rejection or challenge to his role, he backs off from the responsibilities of that role. And in turn, that cascades into several other consequences.

His backing off means Chelsea doesn’t get the consistency she wants from him. In frustration, Jaime has turned to Mike to provide that consistency. I’ve shared before that Mike has become the surrogate Dom to Chelsea and often administers her discipline. And as Mike observed, it was causing both of them to become more passive-aggressive towards each other. Effective communication was breaking down in the process.

One of the things I’ve observed in Mike is that when it comes to communication with me or with Kayla, it is aggressive-agressive, not passive-aggressive. And I don’t mean it as “aggression.” There is no hostility or anger. I mean it in the way aggressive means decisive, clear, assertive, unambiguous, with clearly stated, and more importantly, clearly understood, intentions.

For example:

Passive Aggressive: “Isn’t that a lot of makeup?”
Aggressive-aggressive: “I don’t want you wearing so much make up.”

Sure, aggressive-aggressive is controlling. That’s what D/s is full of. But it is not passive-aggressive. Aggressive-Aggressive is about taking the wheel and driving right to your destination. Passive-Aggressive is hinting and mumbling about your desired destination, and then whining and resenting it when you don’t arrive there.

Chelsea realized that while she still thrives at being submissive, she needs explicit words of encouragement and appreciation from Jaime. All it took was sharing that with Jaime and Jaime was like, “Yeah, I can do that, because I am amazed by you and all you are willing to do for me. ”

Funny, she had fewer reservations about asking Jaime to be spank her and bring Domestic Discipline into their marriage than she did about simply admitting to him she needed more words of encouragement from him. Humans!

It might be easy to blame Jaime for not being more outwardly supportive. But he tends to be a person of few words, and it is just not his demeanor to verbally praise. It reminds me of something I posted several years ago – Post 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline. As well as what is in the two posts right after that one, 159. Follow the Leader. and 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. as well as the post right after that one.

That “Golden Rule” is: Make sure you both recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, it means giving praise. ¬†For the Sub, it means giving thanks.¬†

Since Chelsea has returned to Jaime, Mike continues to check in with them almost daily. They have both made an effort to work on this issue and apparently it is paying dividends. They both report a new energy and connection in their marriage.

HOWEVER, this post just talked of this newer epiphany regarding Chelsea realizing the impact of her controlling behavior mixed with Jaime’s reserved personality. What of the other realizations Chelsea had as I previously shared?

Her sexuality? She said she really wants Jaime in her life and as her husband, but she would love an open marriage with a third like what I have. And she feels very in love with Kayla. Kayla enjoys Chelsea company and considers her her best friend, but the “love connection” is not 100% mutual. And Kayla told her she is not interested in being their “third” as she is committed to our relationship. But, as ours is an open relationship, that doesn’t mean Kayla can’t be a “friend with benefits.” And for now, that is how that stands. Chelsea shared her feelings with Jaime and reassured him she has no intentions of leaving him – ever. And her desire for a relationship with a woman would always be within the context of their marriage and whatever Jaime would allow.

Chelsea feels relieved to have shared this with Jaime and for Jaime to have accepted it. She said she thinks some of her passive-aggressive tendencies was her trying to suppress or keep her strong feelings about this issue to herself.

I won’t go point-by-point through the remaining realizations shared in those other posts about Chelsea. But, to sum them all up —

While not completely gone, she is definitely on the road to reconciling every one of those issues and doing so with Jaime’s love and support. It’s amazing what 100% transparent communication and allowing yourself to be fully VULNERABLE to your mate can do for a relationship, especially when that vulnerability is reciprocated.

And if by chance it isn’t reciprocated or that the “full you” is not appreciated. . . well, isn’t that an invaluable thing to learn about your mate? It may hurt, but it hurts a lot less than a lifetime of negative behaviors and being unfulfilled.

Next: 369. Make Feeling Good Great Again

353. On this date, March 153, 2020

So yes, I am alive. I really want to blog, but while it is mostly because I am lacking inspiration, I’ve come to understand that I am also lacking confidence. I’ve discovered that all bloggers, or anyone who creates a presence online, whether YouTube, Twitter, or whatever, need to have a level of confidence to continue that presence. A confidence that what they say matters, even if only to themselves.

For years my motivation for blogging was driven by knowing what I had to write mattered to me. I needed to get my thoughts out, think through experiences in more detail, and reconcile my new found lifestyle with who I once was. I’ve done that. Simply, I am at peace with my lifestyle. It’s really more than that. I am ecstatic with my life, but I am no longer intrigued by my inner workings and desires, nor amused by certain things. I don’t want to make it sound like I am bored – I am not. It’s just that my daily life seems routine to me.

For instance. My day today? This entire week was “deep clean” week. I moved all the furniture in each room, cleaned the floors, wiped all the baseboards, and even did paint touch ups of the nicks and scratches. I wasn’t even spanked once!

Yes, I am just a typical suburban submissive wife in a plural/poly open/swinging marriage that dabbles in BDSM and shuns wearing clothes unless absolutely necessary. What’s interesting about that?

And this terrible new editor in WordPress makes posting a chore!

I reviewed my FIVE half-written posts and figured I could at least put together something of interest. My mind just can’t seem to concentrate long enough to complete a full post. I go back and look at my drafts and find them uninspiring, unflattering, or disconnected ramblings. Hey, who said that? Was that you? I definitely heard someone say, “Well, Jen, that about sums up all your posts!”

Sigh.

CIRCLE OF TRUST HIATUS
Here’s an update on our swinging within our Circle of Trust. Swingset has been closed, thanks to Covid. We haven’t been together with our friends since our blow-out Swing-fest just prior to Covid. That was almost three months ago, but it feels like three years.

CALENDAR “MARCHES” ON
I heard someone say that today isn’t July 31. It is March 153. That’s about right. Well, since March 1, all three of my kids had birthdays. They are now 31, 24, and 20. It shocks me that J is 20! Wow!

Mike and I celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary! Albeit with a moonlight walk around the park and nearby lake, and maybe a little “funny business” in the woods. (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).

Mike just celebrated his 52 birthday, and my 51st is coming up. I don’t feel like I am in my 50’s. I still feel like, maybe 38? Whatever that means. Although, my lady-part problems are screaming, “Hey bitch, you are 51 and then some.” Yeah, I’ve had a return of my prior issues and a hysterectomy is in my future. I am fine with that, it’s just a bad time to schedule it re Covid and all. I am putting it off, maybe early next year if the discomfort doesn’t get too great.

Both Mike and Kayla’s jobs are secure for now, despite Covid. Both their companies had furloughs but they were not impacted. Kayla’s position is a bit tenuous and depending on how things go she might end up out of a job at some point. Mike’s position seems pretty solid. They both continue to work from home.

In some ways it been nice for the three of us to fully focus on just us. J has spent most of this pandemic at T1’s and E’s farm. Early on we visited a few times, and he came home for two weeks or so at one point. But he’s been “country-fied” and was dying to get back to the farm. He’s probably safer there if he keeps to T1 and E, but it’s L and the neighbors that worry me (aka, “The Nudies”).

With three kids and two adults, which include two young adults who can’t seem to stay away from their girlfriends, I am concerned about safety. J’s compromised immune system would likely struggle with Covid. We’ve put measures in place and it seems like everyone is adhering to them. So far, so good, but that’s of little solace knowing what the stakes are if someone gets careless. It worries me and I check in a lot, especially with Mrs. Nudie to make sure her and her family are acting responsibly.

Oh, and as I posted about previously, since March 1, we also celebrated our five years since adopting Domestic Discipline. Oh – and my blog turned 4 years old! So forget the hellscape that is America as we hurl towards civil war to fight a fascist take-over attempt in November, it’s all about ME and my milestones.

Yeah. I think my lack of enthusiasm for posting has something to do with that. I digress.

DISCIPLINE
Yes, I am still subject to Mike’s authority and discipline. I wouldn’t want it any other way. A spanking here, a spanking there. All in accordance with our Contract, which by default means, by my wishes. There have been a few “just because I need one” requests that I have made. I’ve found a good paddling is a tremendous release and distraction from world events. For me, reminding myself that my fulfillment comes from focusing on Mike and focusing on the things that make me happy (which is a redundant statement), helps reduce the stress and anxiety of living with a fascist leader of the country whose daily decisions kill people and put my own family at risk. Yeah, a spanking can actually make those thoughts melt away. At least for awhile.

I’ve share our Orgasm Control experiment in my last post. I made it through all of June without an orgasm. In fact, it wasn’t until July 2, that I came! Let’s just say fireworks came a little early, and cum they did! Mike then gave me “free reign” over my orgasms for almost two weeks, before restricting them again. Since then, I’ve been allowed here and there. I guess I could be posting more about it because that IS something that still amuses me and I am trying to fully understand my reaction.

I don’t want to repeat my prior post about it. Suffice to say that it still has had a very interesting and surprising impact on me. I think in a good way, but definitely in “a” way. Still sorting through that one. Strange indeed. Who knew?

Well, there you have it. That’s what’s been going on with me lately!

NEXT: 354. A SPANKING STORY

306. Cuck, Swinging, and NRE. Huh???

306

HELLO, IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR?
I’ll save all the “I’ve been busy” stuff.¬† ¬† It will likely stay like that for a while, but today,¬† “Yea!¬† I got some ‘me’ time.”¬†

Mike decreed a day off for me.¬† No appointments, no commitments, no chores.¬† Mike took Kayla and J out for the entire day so it’s just me at home by myself.¬† So, I slept in a bit, which was really nice, and I surfed some television and had a relaxing morning.¬† And now I am blogging!¬† ¬†¬†

With so much to share, I wasn’t sure where to start.¬† ¬†How about a bit of Jenny-rant on the topic of swinging?¬† ¬†Anyone?¬† ¬†Okay,¬† that’s one, two… alright, swinging it is!

CUCKS OR SWINGERS?
First a vocabulary check.¬† What’s the diff between cuck and swinging?¬† The line is fuzzy and there is overlap.¬† In my observation, like with most labels, the differences are more clear at the extremes.¬†

A “pure” cuckold never participates in the sex and either simply knows their partner is with someone or perhaps even watches.¬† They may not even have any say over who their partner is with. The less control, the greater the “cuck” and it can have strong feelings of humiliation for the cuck, which they thrive on.¬† Contrast that with a “pure” swinger who is a couple who likely agree on their own “rules of engagement” regarding the sex they both have with others.¬† No humiliation, just mutual sexual enjoyment with others.¬†¬†

Thus, I describe TTWD to be both cuckolding and swinging, depending on the context.  Philosophically we feel more aligned with swinging than cuck, but, our swinging definitely can include cuck.  Clearly, we are not Swinger-purists.  So there you have it!  

WHY WRITE ABOUT THIS?!?
I was prompted to give this topic some thought because we recently expanded our “Circle of Trust” and have some new friends in our life.¬† I am sure I will write about them at some point.¬† As this couple was new to the lifestyle, I was put in a position to answer the question, “Why?”¬†

Great question.

WHY HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE?
I shared a little bit about my thoughts on this topic back on Post 237.  Weird in a Good Way.   But I figured I should explore those thoughts a bit deeper. 

I researched swinging when we first opened up our marriage about three years ago because I had that same question.¬† But now I had to answer it to someone else.¬† I am sharing the concept that I shared with the couple who asked me this.¬†¬†I’d love to give credit to wherever I first read about these concepts, but I don’t know where it was.¬† Of course, I’ve added my own opinions to it.¬† Here’s how I internalized all that I recall reading about and how I answered the question,¬†“Why have an open marriage?”

Quick disclaimer РI am not saying why you SHOULD have an open marriage.  I am simply answering the question of why I do. 

DESIRE VERSUS COMMITMENT
It comes down to desire versus commitment

Desire:¬† It’s all the sizzle. . .¬†

  • It is the promise that comes with novelty
  • It is the anticipation that comes with mystery
  • It is the excitement that comes with the unknown¬†¬†
  • It is the endless possibilities of our imagination
  • It is the pain of yearning that comes¬†with distance from the object of your desire¬†
  • It is the challenge of a puzzle that beckons to be solved¬†¬†
  • It is the power of attraction towards the person we desire

Commitment:¬† ¬†It’s all the “boring” stuff. . .¬†

  • It is the familiarity of routine
  • It is the security of the known and predictable
  • It is the comfort of a foregone conclusion
  • It is the constant closeness that precludes distance
  • It is the power of attraction towards the person to which we are committed

The “desire” that I describe is often summed up as NRE – New Relationship Energy.¬† It tends to ONLY exist at the beginning of a relationship.¬† If the relationship continues, it evolves into the Commitment phase.¬† The only constant is the attraction.¬† Yes, you are still attracted to the person, but, all the sizzle, all that NRE, is long gone.¬† ¬†Simply put, everything that really turns us about someone — I mean, really lights that fire of desire in our belly — eventually fades.¬†¬†

Mystery becomes familiarity, novelty becomes routine, uncertainty becomes security, anticipation becomes a foregone conclusion, and the yearning of distance gets contracted into a near constant closeness.

The more attached we become to someone, the more we fear to lose them.  To keep from losing them, we increase our commitment to them.  In turn, if they fear losing us, they increase their commitment to you.   By default, this increase in commitment decreases desire.   Relationship rules and expectations begin to form to help us maintain commitment.  These rules and expectations become a subconscious way we place controls on each other.  Controls meant to add certainty, add familiarity, i.e., to add commitment.    

We think commitment alone will keep our relationship safe.¬† In fact, it can destroy the things that turned us on at the beginning of the relationship.¬† It’s ironic that we want to know everything about someone so that there is no mystery, and by doing so, we choke the life out of our desire for them.¬†

The relationship controls that we willingly accept in order to show and maintain our commitment can actually turn us off.  Those controls can eventually choke the desire out of our own daily routine and impact how we view ourselves.  They can fester and grow into resentments and feelings that actually undermine our commitment to the other person.         

WHAT CAN YOU DO?
About four years ago when I connected to all that I have stated here, in Jenny style I looked at it as a problem to be solved.  We adopted DD and eventually opened up our relationship.  Opened it first to each other, then to others.   We did it by increasing the desire in our relationship. 

We didn’t just increase one or two of those components but increased ALL of them.¬† ¬†I am sure there are countless other ways we could have done that, but, the way that resonated with me and with Mike was via sharing ourselves sexually.¬† First, 100% with each other (complete transparent communication and vulnerability)¬† and then, yes, even sharing ourselves sexually with others.¬† ¬†

This immediately and instantly increased every piece of the “desire equation” that I referenced in the above bullets. Instant NRE!¬† ¬†And the cuck element is that we each feed off the energy of the other and find immense pleasure in the others pleasure.¬† We also get a thrill from the taboo of it all.

Mike finds me irresistible when I find someone else attractive or I want to explore sexually with someone – or he tells me to explore and I comply.¬† It’s full of mystery…What will it be like?¬† Will I like it?¬† What does the future hold?¬† ¬† Everything is new, nothing is certain and the implicit danger and taboo¬†enhances the erotic appeal.¬† It’s a full-on adrenaline release.¬†¬†And I feel the same about him.¬†¬†

And whether we are watching the other or simply knowing the other is with someone, the lack of togetherness actually stokes the flames of desire.¬† It raises the feelings of passion we have towards each other.¬† It revives our routine, it opens us up to further sexual experiences and exploration together.¬† ¬†BUT…

WARNING – RISKS!
It does have risks if you don’t have the right foundation for commitment.¬† ¬†And because we first started with 100% openness towards each other and made ourselves 100% vulnerable to the other,¬† we developed complete and total trust in one another.¬† ¬†That foundation of an unbreakable commitment to each other allows us to explore life in endless ways, including sexual, without fear of losing that commitment from the other person.¬† ¬†And all that exploration, whether sexual or not, only serves to flame our desire for each other.¬† Thus we maintain BOTH desire and commitment towards each other.¬† That’s very special and something we both cherish.

Next 307. Posting Blues

260. More Mike, Jen, & Kayla: Equity vs. Equality

260

OPEN MARRIAGE
Labels are always tricky.¬† I don’t like the word “open” in the context of my marriage.¬† It infers “always open” as in, no barriers to entry and just picking up whatever the wind blows in.¬† It’s not like that.

It is open in this context – we are open to the concept that love is not finite nor needs to be confined to just two people.¬† My marriage indeed has barriers – say, four walls and a roof – it is just that the doors aren’t sealed shut.¬† ¬†We are open to answering a knock and evaluating whether or not we let them in.

ANSWERING QUESTIONS
As we are now open about Kayla, a few brave souls have asked questions – both people in my family and, during our vacation, some of E’s family.¬† Neither Mike, Kayla, or I had any qualms about answering any questions. and most were directed to me.¬† I think being the wife they felt I had some sort of¬†aggrieved status that made my answers more credible, or at least more interesting.¬†¬†

Many of the questions inferred concerns which fell into the same three buckets as what my sister’s expressed about my DD.¬† It’s degrading, it’s unfair, it’s unhealthy.¬†¬†I used some of the same responses I used on my sisters as shared in Post 136.¬†

People seemed generally receptive.  They at least seemed to respect that I had thought through those issues and at least reconciled them for myself.  I learned if I answer their questions truthfully and with conviction, they quickly go from being concerned to simply being curious.  That curiosity often led to discussions about our views on relationships in general.

As I mentioned, I used an approach similar to that in Post 136 in answering their questions.  However, as it just so happens, I came across an additional way I can express myself going forward and I wanted to share it. 

INSPIRATIONAL CREDIT
I credit livingwithx.wordpress.com as my inspiration (i.e., I copied a lot).  I encourage you to read his About section.   I love to reflect and get all esoteric Рbut I know I do it in a wordy and rambling sort of way.  I appreciate his ability to be succinct.  What takes me an entire post to try to convey, he accomplishes in a few words or bullet points.

The concerns people expressed to me were often rooted in confusing  FAIRNESS with SAMENESS (which I covered in Post 136).  But it is deeper than that, and livingwithx explained it in a way that I feel was more eloquent and powerful than delineating fairness from sameness.  Their concerns were also rooted in confusing EQUITY with EQUALITY.

You can pretty much substitute his word, Equity, with my word, Fairness, as well as his word, Equality, for my word, Sameness.¬† It isn’t so much the labels that were powerful to me, it was in how livingwithx defined them.¬†¬†

Equity is giving your relationship everything it needs to be successful.
Equality is making sure everyone in the relationship is being treated the same.

It’s simple. In your relationship, do you value success, or do you value sameness?¬† The answer seems obvious, but society conditions us to focus on the latter.¬†¬†People are quick to identify the injustice of the smallest inequality.¬† So much so that they often overlook the devastation that comes from a lack of equity.¬†

As I illustrated to my sisters in Post 136, their drive for equality in their relationship has led to a lot of inequities.¬† I am not saying they are miserable — they are happy in their marriages.¬† But I am saying their relationships with their¬†husbands could be more fulfilling (and they agree!).¬† ¬†And part of the reason is their focus on equality over equity.

Next time I am posed with a “Kayla” question, I think I will start it with a statement that in my relationship with Mike, we value success over sameness.¬† Then let the conversation go from there.¬†¬†I believe most people agree they want the former, not the latter.¬† If so, then it is simply about finding what it is that your relationship needs, and go for it.¬† So did my relationship actually “need” Kayla?¬† ¬†More on that in a bit.¬†

WHAT DOES EQUITY REQUIRE?
Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Ouch!  I think that deserves repeating.   Many people have relationships where they settle for less than what their needs require.

Why do people stay in such relationships?  At least try to invest the equity it takes to improve things.  As someone who has always been very self-reflective and in constant state of investing equity, it is hard for me to relate to someone accepting an equal relationship over one that is equitable.

I’ll admit though that my investments in equity didn’t always pay off.¬† Partly because I wasn’t being honest with myself regarding what I really needed and partly because I wasn’t being honest with Mike in communicating what I thought I needed (i.e. I lacked vulnerability).¬† Oh, and partly because Mike wasn’t in an equitable state of mind because he was also focused on “equality” plus, he wasn’t always open and honest about what he needed (i.e he lacked vulnerability).¬† So yeah, just wanting and seeking equity doesn’t mean you’ll get it.

So if equity isn’t about seeking everything your relationship needs to be successful, what is it?¬† ¬†Oh!¬† It is about finding what it needs to be successful.¬† How do you do that?¬† It’s a learning process.¬† So how do you learn that?

IT STARTS WITH YOU – YOU ARE #1
I know it sounds selfish, but first, you have to know what you want and then, you must be willing to ask for what you want.¬† Simply put, you need to find a partner that fulfills YOUR NEEDS.¬† Nothing really selfish in that.¬† That is relationship 101.¬† Why would you want a partner that doesn’t do that?

In order to have your needs fulfilled, you have to communicate them (i.e. you have to be vulnerable).  My plethora of vulnerability posts can be found in the Finding My Happiness section of my Shortcuts.

IT THEN TURNS TO THE NEEDS OF THE OTHER
While it starts with you, it doesn’t end with you.¬† ¬†Equity requires that you focus on the needs of the relationship, which means – others in the relationship.¬† In¬†order to have your needs fulfilled you have to be willing to fulfill your partner’s needs as well.¬† It is through that¬†emotional and physical investment of fulfilling each other’s needs that you create EQUITY.¬† It doesn’t matter if the emotional and physical investments of each person were not EQUAL.¬† ¬†¬†

In our case, there was a change in what I needed from our relationship and my life.  That change happened to involve DD.  I had to understand it first, then had to communicate it Рthat is, I had to ask for it.  That understanding/asking is laid out in my first half-dozen or so posts.

I was then fortunate enough to have a partner in Mike who was willing to invest his equity (efforts, emotions, actions, ) in fulfilling my needs as he saw that there was potential for my equity (efforts, emotions, actions) to fulfill his needs.¬† ¬†And what if there is a situation where partners don’t agree on the equity?¬† ¬†That’s where communication and give and take have to come in, and in our case, Mike’s role as HOH comes in.

What if you are having too many situations where we can’t agree things are equitable?¬† To me the result is that the relationship can’t be fulfilling.¬† Someone – maybe everyone – is settling for less than their needs require.¬† You can only do that for so long before resentment builds, leading to a downward spiral that self destructs the relationship.

DID MY RELATIONSHIP “NEED” KAYLA?
You can’t always define everything your relationship needs. It is more about addressing each of life’s situations and opportunities as they come.¬† So we didn’t “need” a third and then go looking for one.¬† ¬†Instead, our relationship has a need to remain open and honest about everyone’s wishes and desires.¬† This leads us to be open to life’s possibilities…in this case, the possibility of a third, such that when the right situation presented itself, it happened.¬†¬†

Does that mean we are open to a fourth?¬† Why stop there.¬† A fifth?¬† Well, sure, why not? I don’t foresee that happening, but I know our relationship will take whatever path it needs to take to ensure success.¬† I can’t imagine how more people would add to our success, but frankly, I could have never imagined how Kayla could have done so.

So that is my long-winded way of laying out my thoughts on my marriage.¬† I don’t know that I specifically answered how it is that Kayla fits in to our “equity”¬† Or how say, John & Donna, or our overall sex life,¬† Matt, nudism, and oh yeah, and Domestic Discipline – how does all of that fit into our “equity?”¬† ¬† I think the simplest answer is, “It just works for us.”¬† Wow. This entire post could have probably been just those 5 words.¬†¬†

With that settled. . . what of my inference to Mike’s Dominance perhaps evolving beyond where I would like it to be?¬† ¬†Well, that all makes for a good next post!

NEXT: 261.  A bit more on Kayla

259. More Mike

259

I recently gave updates on Matt and Kayla, so clearly I need to give an update on the most important person in my life Рmy husband Mike!  And in doing so, it is also an update on me and our relationship as a whole. 

If you have followed my journey since the beginning, you know that Mike has been amazing.  I got us into Domestic Discipline and while he had some reservations, he was willing to give it a try.  And try he did.

I am fortunate that he and I have stayed pretty much on the same page throughout our journey.  While I think our open communication has a lot to do with it, we have also just been lucky.

MIKE
Mike is happier than he has ever been in our marriage.¬† There is evidence beyond his demeanor, such as, he says it!¬† And it isn’t happiness of power, but happiness in the results of his influence – over me, over the family.¬† ¬†His satisfaction stems from seeing his significant investment of his emotional “equity” into our relationship pay off.¬† ¬†¬†

I made a lot of the day-to-day decisions pre-DD, or at least heavily influenced Mike such that I usually got my way.¬† ¬†You may think it is easy to take the reigns of a household and start making decisions, but it isn’t.¬† In part it just wasn’t his nature — a nature that I influenced for 20+ years.¬† He also wasn’t confident in how I would react to his new role.¬† In other words, he was a bit hesitant and afraid of “being an asshole.”¬† I have never once thought such a thing.

I think Post 160 and Post 205 best sum of his evolution and how great he is.  Mike is timely and effective in making decisions, big and small.  He has sky-high confidence in his role as disciplinarian.  He made the transition of simply executing on my wishes for him to be dominant, to actually becoming a Dom.  In fact, he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be (more on that later).

Mike remains a wonderful father and an amazing husband.  He is a masterful Dom, both for me and Kayla Рwhich is not easy as our needs as submissive are different.   And beyond just a Dom, he is a great husband.  He is loyal, trustworthy, sincere, a great listener, affectionate, empathetic, and the list goes on.  He is all those things to me, to our kids, and to Kayla.  It gives me great joy to share those things in him, with Kayla.

I mentioned before that Mike is an intensely private person.¬† He feels a lot of this stems from the childhood trauma from a robbery.¬† ¬†I shared before that his house was broken into and robbed when he was a child, and it was an extremely thorough robbery and what wasn’t taken was smashed and vandalized.

While he has come a long way in opening up to strangers, he still has a heightened distrust of people until he really gets to know them better.¬† — which is sometimes hard when he starts at a point of distrust.¬† ¬†Luckily he has a “tell all” wife who welcomes in anyone and everyone to help balance him out — although instead of “balance him out”, he tends to call it, “driving him crazy.”¬† lol.

JEN
Most of the journey was me pushing Mike to help me find my limits.¬† I found those limits.¬† I am where I want to be as his submissive and with DD.¬† This is one of the reasons my posts have lacked the yearning and self-revelations of my earlier posts.¬† I don’t yearn much and haven’t discovered some new revelation about myself.¬† ¬†

When I think back to what got me interested in DD, I never imagined how effective it would be in helping me be the person I wanted to be, nor what it would mean to my family for me to be that person.  My life feels tremendously purposeful and amazingly fulfilled.  So good that I feel a bit guilty in my pleasure when we are surrounded with so much suffering and injustice. 

My submissive mindset is sufficiently nourished, and not wanting.¬†¬†But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?¬† Do we still have¬†DD sympatico?¬† I mentioned he¬†may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be.¬† ¬†More on that in another post….hee hee.¬† I love a cliffhanger.

And before I get into resolving that cliffhanger, how can I write about my relationship with Mike without stating how I reconcile the little minor fact that, well, you know, it kind of includes a third person…someone who has evolved into being almost like a co-wife to Mike, and a partner to me.¬† Kayla!¬†

Yes, I gave you an update about her…but what can I say specifically about our triad in the context of how it impacts my relationship with Mike?¬† ¬†I don’t think I adequately addressed that in my updates.¬† Since fully coming out to everyone about Kayla, I have had to answer some questions from family.¬† So what of those questions and of my answers?¬†

¬†Sounds like a great next post, so that cliffhanger will have to wait as I next address this issue of how I explain my “open” marriage to those who ask.¬† ¬†

 

 

256. More Matt

256
THE LATEST WITH MATT

Mike and I talk about Matt with some frequency.¬† It is all about keeping in sync on our priorities and desires.¬† It’s been almost two months now since Matt and started our weekly date nights, plus we spent a weekend together at the coast.

Our dates consist of dinner followed up by some activity – we’ve done a comedy club, laser tag (I didn’t know those things were still around), and a painting class – so yeah, not just “dinner and a movie” although we’ve done that too.¬† And of course, sex!¬† In fact, we’ve sometimes skipped going out and just stayed in for lots of sex!

DATE NIGHTS WITH MATT
One night Matt took me to a strip club.  I had never been to one so was definitely curious, but also concerned.  The feminist in me still exists, and my concerns were about the young women being exploited.  This may irk some people for me to say, but, after my experience, frankly, I think it is the horny men that are being exploited.

Anyway, it was an interesting experience.¬† I actually asked Matt if we could repeat it.¬† I was very stand-offish and skeptical at first and didn’t really loosen up until the end after I had many conversations with the young women (costing Matt quite a few drinks to keep them interested in my boring questions).¬† I can see it could actually make for a fun and sexy date-night if I was more flirty and fun.¬† Next time!

That’s one of the reasons I enjoy myself with Matt — I can sort of be a different person and do things I wouldn’t normally feel comfortable doing.¬† I am not Jen-the-mom, Jen-the-wife, or Jen-the-anything.¬† I don’t seek to offend Matt and prefer he enjoy my presence, but frankly, I ultimately don’t care.¬†¬†I can act out on impulse and be whomever I want for the night.¬† It serves as a nice break from my normal routine.¬† Hey – I heard that.¬† You just said, “Since when does ‘normal’ describe anything you do?

SLEEPOVERS
I am now spending the night at Matt’s on every other date-night, per Mike’s edict.¬† I’ve stayed with Matt three times now.¬† With J out of school, I think we will run out of excuses for where mom is in the morning.¬† Lots of early “doctor appointments” and “errands” lol.¬† On the off date-nights Matt and I come back to my place for sex.¬† Mike loves to watch.

We’ve talked about having Matt spend the night, but with J out of school, it will require some morning hi-jinks to keep Matt hidden.¬† And for now, T2 is home¬† — by the way, he graduated college and is leaving in a week to take a great job out-of-state. His girlfriend is moving with him.¬† Now back to our regular programming…

We will soon figure something out to make a Matt sleepover work because Mike is going to be out-of-town for work for several days in a few weeks.¬† Mike asked Matt to stay with me at our house and Matt agreed.¬† I accept it, but admit that it will feel weird.¬† I know it sounds dumb, but, having sex with Matt is one thing, having him sleep in “OUR” bed with Mike gone is another.¬† Funny, but I said to Mike, “I want Matt sleeping on my side of the bed and I will sleep on yours.”¬† Somehow that made me feel better.

SEX
I think I wrote a bit about this before, but sex with Matt is different from sex with Mike, and in a lot of ways mirrors the difference in the sex between Mike and Kayla.  With Matt, it is way more raw Рmore noisy, more sweaty, more raucous.   Mike and Kayla are a lot like that as well.

It isn’t that Mike and I can’t be those things together (sometimes we are), but, it just isn’t our preference.¬† I don’t know if it is 20+ years of vanilla sex that has conditioned us to prefer that from one another, or if we simply prefer our sex with each other to be more tender.¬† When we talk about it, I think the issue is when Mike and I have sex together we are more focused on the other person, whereas when we have sex with others, we are more focused on our own enjoyment.

That sounds selfish, especially about Mike and Kayla as we both love Kayla dearly, and what Matt and I have is not love at all.  But the D/s dynamic with Mike and Kayla is one that includes their sex Рthat is what Kayla desires of her submission.  Whereas with me, one-on-one sex with Mike and my submission to him are still more distinct.  Not totally mutually exclusive, but not totally inclusive as it is with Mike and Kayla.

Whatever it is, Mike and I find fulfillment in allowing the other to experience the joys of sex with other people.¬† He loves to see me as a sexual being – as someone who thoroughly enjoys sex – and I do.¬† When he watches Matt and I, he loves to give me directions.¬† He said it gives him a thrill to “order me” to do certain things with Matt.¬† In addition, there are times he tells me to be very explicit in telling Matt what I want him to do to me.¬† Mike loves hearing me ask for certain sexual acts.

Neither of us feels we are losing something when the other has sex with someone else.¬† I can’t explain it.¬† I am even surprised we both feel that way.¬† But we do, so it works for us.

JOHN AND DONNA
I haven’t mentioned them in a long time.¬† We still see them a lot and spend time each week at their house.¬† Those visits often, but not always, include sex.¬† In fact, at least on one of the nights Mike will be out-of-town, Kayla is going to spend the night at John and Donna’s.

I think the reason I don’t write much about them is that there isn’t anything new to write about.¬† Basically everything I shared before sums up our ongoing relationship with them and well, suffice to say it is ongoing!

UPCOMING EVENTS?
We are still talking to my parents about J’s annual stay at their house during the summer.¬† The last two years we’ve used his absence as an opportunity to explore some deeper forms of D/s, M/s, BDSM, or whatever (Post 31,¬†¬†Post 150).¬† ¬†We hadn’t talked much about it until last night’s “Joint” Maintenance Session (Post 249). ¬† We have some tentative plans, including some of the kinks we want to explore, which I’ll share on another post.

Next: 257. More Kayla

199. An Open Marriage!?

199

It’s about time for another general musing post, this time addressing my feelings about sex with Matt.¬†¬†

Ultimately, yes, we have an open marriage.¬† Like any kink, when it comes to labels – what things are, what they mean, and how they make you feel – are going to be different for every person and couple.¬† ¬†I don’t think of our marriage as “open,” but it sure isn’t closed!¬† HA!¬† I like to think of it as being open to “possibilities” versus just wide open for all to come and go.¬† ¬†

IS IT CHEATING WITH PERMISSION?
No, that is not an accurate representation.  There is no cheating as we are always playing by the rules of behavior that Mike and I have established for ourselves.  It is only cheating if you break the rules. 

IS IT ALL ABOUT SEX?
No, it isn’t.¬† It’s about lots and lots of communication, trust, checking in with your own personal boundaries, and about having a great deal of confidence.¬† Confidence in yourself to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to you – and – confidence in your relationship to allow the other person to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to them.¬† ¬†Mike and I have¬†great communication, clear definition of boundaries, high self-confidence, and high confidence in our relationship.¬† This leaves little room for accidentally crushing someone’s feelings or inciting jealousy.¬†

I’ve found that our sexual exploration with others has added to my sex life with Mike.¬† Being open creates opportunities to be exposed to new things that we may choose to incorporate in our relationship.¬† ¬†We can also explore sexual relationships or activities that involve both of us, such as threesomes,¬†foursomes, or role-playing that require more than just the two of us.¬† I have desired and experienced things I never even gave thought to before DD.¬† And I have experienced things that I previously hid away in my head as pure fantasy.¬†¬†

BOUNDARIES
Mike and I have boundaries, but there are no specific prohibited acts.  The boundary is simply that we have to both be aware of what the other is doing and be willing to talk about specifics if the other wants to know.   In other words, no secrets.  

This has been easy because most of our sex with others has been in the presence of each other.¬† The few times it hasn’t, we talk about it.¬† ¬†We talk about it because we are always interested in learning about what and why they liked or disliked what they did.¬† And we talk about it with a degree of indifference and nonchalance that you would think we were talking about some television show one of us saw without the other.¬† We¬†don’t want to hear about every line in the show, but we want to know if it was enjoyable.¬† That, and, well, whether or not there were one or more orgasms and what orifice did they come in.¬† ¬†Yeah, exactly something you’d want to know about a show they saw without you.¬† HA!!¬†

I do have some additional “rules” that Mike doesn’t have.¬† Namely I can only be with others with his specific approval.¬† Contrast this with Mike who¬† is free to be with anyone at anytime, just so long as he tells me about it.¬† He only has to tell me in advance if the time being spent with the other person takes away from time with me.¬† For instance, if he were to go out while I was at home and he wanted to have sex with someone.¬† But, if say he was on a business trip and had the opportunity for sex, he can simply tell me about it later.¬† By the way, I came up with that rule, not Mike.¬†

Although we have these rules, we haven’t needed to implement them much.¬† But Mike and I have at least talked about it because we are aware that our relationship is such that these things could happen.¬† Neither of us are currently seeking sexual partners outside our current “circle of trust” but we aren’t adverse to it if the opportunity presents itself.¬† ¬†That current “circle of trust” includes Kayla, John, Donna, and at least for the moment, Matt.¬†¬†

OTHER BENEFITS
Being open with sex means having more frank conversations.¬† Once sex lost all vestiges of taboo in our conversations, we both became comfortable admitting when we are or aren’t in the mood, and more comfortable talking about people we are attracted to and the things we enjoyed doing (or having done to us).¬† This led to learning new things about each other and made us closer.¬†

I was married to Mike for almost 25 years before I really understood what he liked the most about sex.¬† And the same is true for Mike fully understanding what I enjoyed most about sex.¬† How sad we went so long with “secrets” about what made us feel good.¬†Why do people do that!?!?¬† ¬†We wouldn’t keep such secrets about anything else in life, so why keep them regarding sex?¬†

WHAT NEXT?
I don’t know.¬† It’s possible our “circle of trust” never grows further.¬† We both seem to prefer fewer, deeper relationships than many casual ones.¬† We haven’t really put ourselves in a position to have opportunities for more sexual partners.¬† ¬†We did “flirt” a bit with some FetLife functions and of course there was¬†“the party.”¬† While they were fun, we just didn’t connect with the people with met.¬†¬†

Mike and I share our sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies with each other.¬† When we got into DD we made this a priority, and honestly, it was very difficult and took time to fully evolve to where we share everything.¬† Here’s an excerpt from that post:¬†

Sit down with your partner and have a discussion on the differences between sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Then, if you are so bold, actually share your sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  

Once you get over the terror and embarrassment, it becomes some of the most amazing conversations you will ever have with your partner. 

REMAINING DESIRES? 
We define a sexual “fantasy” as something we¬†actually don’t want to do (for now) or that may implausible or impossible.¬† ¬†Whereas, a sexual “desire” is something we aspire to experience.¬† Over time there are things that could move from the “fantasy” box to the “desire” box.

One such fantasy that made this move is my “stranger in the night” fantasy.¬† In it I have sex with some random stranger, man or woman, and never know who they are, not even a name.¬† This merged with a fantasy of Mike’s where he basically “pimps” me out (but obviously with no money being exchanged).¬† ¬†The experience with Matt ¬†was close to this, but Matt isn’t a stranger.¬† ¬†In this merged fantasy Mike and I have talked about going out with the intent of seducing someone, man or woman, to have sex with me.¬† We could make this happen if we stayed engaged in FetLife activities, but both of us share the desire for this to be more organic.¬† That is, unexpected — not a kink event where such things are likely to occur, but just say a random encounter at a restaurant.

Even if we don’t ever fully act on this desire, sharing it and merging his desire with mine has provided some great titillation.¬† ¬†There are times we are out and one of us says to the other, “How about that one?”¬† And then we talk about how we would seduce them and what we would do.¬† Just talking about it gets us both all hot and bothered.¬† Perhaps some day will we actually try to make it happen.

FANTASIES?
One of Mike’s fantasies involves me as a “Center of Attention” with a lot of guys.¬† In his words, “like at least seven, if not ten.”¬† ¬†A hallmark of this fantasy is that it ends with me drenched in their cum.¬† Mike admits he likes the thought of it, but not actually wants me to do it.¬† ¬†Mike did ask me if it was something I would do.¬† I said yes, of course, but that didn’t change his views that this should stay a fantasy of his.¬† ¬†He sort of got an inkling of what it would actually be like and that was enough to convince him to keep it a fantasy.

Knowing that Mike had this fantasy, I had John come on my face.¬† When we were done, Mike was like, “Ew, please go wash up.”¬† He didn’t want to kiss me or get close to me, even after I scrubbed.¬† So yeah, the fantasy is almost always better than the reality because in the fantasy you don’t have to consider such things.

One of my fantasies includes Mike having sex with other men.¬† It’s something I know he isn’t into (I’ve asked!) and thus I leave it as a fantasy.¬† I wonder if this is common fantasy for women?¬† It really gets me off to think about sharing sucking a cock with him.¬† Did my stating that make you feel weird?¬† Well, that’s the thing about being completely open and honest with your partner.¬† You can say such things as if you simply asking if you wanted to share a piece of cake.¬† It’s no big deal if they say no.

Bottom line, both Mike and I feel 100% confident to ask for and enjoy anything sexually, whether with each other or someone else.

Next: Post 200.  Balloons and Submission?