Tag Archives: circle of trust

278. Spanksome before you threesome

278

Things are in such a good groove!  School year has started off well for J, as well as for Kayla.   We are in a nice routine in all aspects of the household, including the DD.  Yes, an occasional punishment here and there for me, but nothing transformative or worth writing about.   Except perhaps to mention that twice I’ve had to wear clothes during the day to cover marks.   

Right after Immersion I still had some noticeable marks on my butt and thighs, so I only went topless around the house.  J didn’t even ask as he knows we dress (or don’t dress) based on whatever we feel like that day (Reality — any given day Kayla and/or me might need a day or two for marks to fade).    However, J questioned me when I went without bottoms but kept a shirt on.   Yeah, I got a breast punishment recently that left a bruise or two.  It fully faded in a few days.  My answer was that my back was bothering me and I wanted to wear a bra for extra support.   Oh the lies we must tell!

REMEMBER VALERIE?
Without anything noteworthy to report in my DD, I thought I’d talk about someone else’s.   Back in Post 267 I shared that my friend, Valerie, came to me for some “martial advice” of sorts, namely, a “how to” on introducing some elements of DD in her marriage.

Before I get into an update on her….

I re-read Post 267 and saw that it connected a lot of dots with my prior post.  In the post about Valerie I even used the word “suffering” to describe her – she has been “suffering her emotions” for 20-ish years because of society/family/religious influences told her that suffering was righteous and fulling.  That’s just total b.s. and is exactly what those in power want us all to believe.   Anyway, as I shared in the post about her, she had this drive to be “free to be me” as she put it.  She had this burning desire to take all of who she was and present that to her husband, and in return, she wanted all of who he is.  In other words, be 100% vulnerable to each other.  (There, I met my DD Jenny requirement of bringing up vulnerability on every post – hee hee).

I ended that post without insight into how things went when she finally opened up with her husband.  I thought I’d share some insights now that I have them. 

JENNY, DD ESQUIRE 
I helped her in creating a contract of sorts for them.  It wasn’t as formal as mine, but spelled out her Duties and Obligations and gave her husband latitude in determining the punishments.  From everything she says, they are enjoying their journey and feel closer than ever – and they are having more sex than they’ve ever had!   Vulnerability can be very sexy!!    

This led them to also open up with each other about their sexual history and fantasies.  Valerie shared with him that she had sex with women before they were married – and it was more than just a one-time thing.   Her first experience was in high school, then another in college, and one just before they got married – but they were engaged at the time.  She was prepared for him to get upset.  He did not and, in stereotypical style, he thought, “You know, I’ve always wanted to try a threesome.”  

As a quick aside — While it may not be 100%, I bet the 80/20 rule applies here.  Anytime a woman shares with her male partner that she had sex with another woman, 80% of the time the male partner will ask for a threesome.  And the other 20% – well, they will definitely think it in their head!   Men!  hee-hee. 

SEEKING A THIRD?
I took it as a good sign that her husband verbalized this.  It shows a level of vulnerability and trust – or maybe just a level of, “finally, my chance to have a threesome!”   Well, whatever the motivation, he said it.  

I asked her what she thought about it.  She said she’s on board and the deal is Raul (her husband) could watch her and the other woman, and could have sex with her (Valerie), but not the other woman.  With those terms, she was all for it if they could find the right person. 

Valerie said she wasn’t asking me, “since I was married.”  Keep in mind she knows all about  Kayla’s relationship with me and Mike and know that we “swap” in a foursome.  I didn’t question her reasoning and figure she just didn’t want me to be the “third.”  However, she did want my ideas on who might be a good match.   Valerie is a very reserved person, even though she has obviously opened up to her husband, and shared a lot with me.  I could tell that she would be mortified at actually approaching anyone else with this idea.

We ruled out our lunch bunch gal pals because according to her criteria, they are all married.  And she also felt she didn’t want to include any closer friend as it would just be weird and she didn’t know if she could trust her friends to keep quiet as they don’t want this “getting out.”   

I don’t know Valerie and her husband, Raul, well enough to feel I could help play matchmaker with anyone else I know that they don’t know.  I knew right away that I might be the right person for them and I sensed she felt that way too.   I was not in a position to offer that without Mike’s approval.  So I tucked that idea away until talking with Mike. 

Mike said no, for now.  We need to get to know them better – so Raul and Valerie were invited to our first “football day”  last Sunday.  John and Donna agreed we would tone it down as the purpose was just to get to know them better.  There wasn’t any nudity or sex or kink of any kind.  Yawn!!  LOL.   It was just a sort of meet-and-greet.  Even though the only consideration is whether to offer me as a “third” for them, in a lot of ways they would be part of our “Circle of Trust,” or at least partial-members, so certainly we all needed to know them better, especially Mike.

I didn’t tell Valerie that Mike was evaluating them or that I was considering offering myself as their third.   Doing so would be awkward if Mike eventually says no.  And if Valerie flat-out asks me at some point, I will just politely decline, figuring I could always come back later and say I reconsidered.    

NOT ME!
It’s too early to know for sure, but for now, it’s still a “No” from Mike.  We plan on hanging out more with Raul and Valerie, so we will see how it goes.  They are nice, but they do have a different vibe than our current Circle of Trust.   We sense that while clearly they have opened up to each other, they are still uncomfortable (afraid?) to admit it or demonstrate it in any way.   They still put on a very conservative, vanilla front.

Mike feels it’s one of two things.  One, they are unable to be honest in who they are, thus too risky for us to get involved with.  Or Two, they are not being honest with each other, and thus still too risky for us to get involved with.   Not that he expects them to shout their kink from the rooftops, but, they come across as still coming to terms with their own kinks.   That’s just not a good environment to drop a “third” into.

And during our meet and greet another idea came to me.   It just might be that Donna would be a good candidate as their third.  It’s not really Donna’s thing, and I suspect John would have to be there which may be a no-no to Raul and Valerie.  But Donna seemed to hit it off pretty well with Raul and Valerie.  So who knows what’s to come?!

Going back to my prior post, they need to get  to the point they understand their emotions and actions, rather than hate, ridicule, or ignore them.  And they just don’t seem to be there yet, not that they can’t get there.   Simply put, they need to gain more confidence in their newfound DD.

They need to walk before they run.  Or is it, look before they leap?  No wait, I got it, it’s spanksome before they threesome!  

ha ha ha ha 

Next: 279. And baby makes three

229. Heading to Splitsville?

229

Drama alert!  I know I often paint a picture that we have achieved some nirvana in my household.  Poly-bliss, D/s perfection!  Of course not!  As I recently wrote, we are human and thus subject to normal human frailty.

We’ve hit a little bump involving Kayla and her boyfriend, Michaud.  I wrote before that Kayla asked us to allow Mike in our “circle of trust.”  (our nickname for those with whom we engage with sexually, currently consisting of the three of us, John, Donna, and most recently, Matt).  I won’t rehash our concerns (you can read the post), but Mike told Kayla no; but left it open for the future if we could get to know him better. 

In the last month we have been able to get to better know Michaud.  He is nice – good boyfriend material for Kayla.  But that is different from “circle of trust” material.   He just doesn’t seem comfortable with it all – which is totally understandable. 

The frustrating part to me was that he would say he was “good with it” but I just didn’t feel it, nor did Mike.   It feels like Michaud is going through the motions, trying to say the “right” things, but really isn’t happy.  Not just unhappy with thoughts of our “circle,” but unhappy with his relationship with Kayla.  

I can be very direct and would ask him very blunt questions, but frankly, Mike asked him way tougher questions than I did.   But Kayla got annoyed at me for “intimidating” Michaud.  That’s never my intent, but if honest intimidates (and it does!), then I am guilty.

I believe it serves no useful purpose to minimize what it is we are considering here.  It is serious stuff, at least to Mike and I.   If it is going to sour, then it needs to be now, not later.   There is no benefit of putting lipstick on the pig and calling it something it isn’t.  He needs to be honest with us and with himself.  

Before Kayla brought any of this up to Michaud, we warned her of what might happen if we “rejected” him.   And it isn’t like we are rejecting him – we are still evaluating him.  Kayla finds it easier to blame me that his “evaluation” isn’t going well.   

THE METAMOUR – POLY PLOT THICKENS
Adding to this is that Michaud has started dating another girl – with Kayla’s full knowledge and consent (and initial encouragement).  Thus the growing complexity of metamours!

We will call her “X.” 

X is aware of Kayla and they have met several times.  Kayla’s take on X is that she is intrigued because it is “trendy” to date someone who is dating someone else. But she feels X doesn’t have the right heart or mindset for poly. 

X is putting a lot of pressure on Michaud to spend more time with her and less with Kayla.  And Kayla feels X is trying to get Michaud to dump her.  Of course, Michaud says that isn’t true, thus Kayla feels like he is calling her paranoid.  Adding to that, Kayla then feels Michaud is purposely ignoring X’s subterfuge, making her angry at Michaud.   

The appearance of X makes the timing of Kayla’s request suspect.  I accept Kayla’s word that these aren’t connected, but I also know sometimes our motivations aren’t always apparently to ourselves.  Would she be asking for his inclusion had he not found a second girlfriend?  X has made it clear she isn’t quite comfortable with this poly-thing, so having Michaud in our circle clearly has implications for his relationship with X.   It’s just all to potentially messing — that is not the right foundation for admittance into our circle?  Nope!  No way! 

Then, Kayla has said Michaud is getting more annoyed with her whenever she has other obligations, especially with us/Mike.   Michaud got very annoyed with her when Kayla shared the nude resort plans with him.  His reaction made her feel badly such that she asked Mike if she could invite him and they would get their own room.  Mike agreed, thinking perhaps it would be a good step towards us getting more comfortable with him.

Ultimately it made things worse.  Michaud said no.  He was not only upset that Kayla didn’t invite him to start with, but that she had to get Mike’s permission to do so.  And there it was.  It is becoming clear that Kayla’s relationship with Mike is wearing on Michaud.

There’s more examples of this – but simply, currently Michaud can not be in our “circle,” but more so, maybe he isn’t prepared to continue his relationship with Kayla. 

Neither Kayla nor Michaud are ready to admit that things are untenable.  It frustrates me a bit because to me it is very clear and they are just being dishonest with themselves.  Deep down they both see it, they just aren’t ready to admit it yet.  So instead of moving on, they are becoming increasingly passive aggressive with each other.  

Of course, Kayla doesn’t want to hear it from me.  It is easier for her to just blame me for the strain with Michaud.  I don’t like it, but that’s okay.  She knows she can feel safe in blaming me as it won’t change my love for her.   She will realize it soon enough and end things with Michaud (if he doesn’t end it first).  And she might blame me for a bit, but I believe she will soon see I had nothing to do with it. 

Adding to her feelings of acrimony towards me is that Mike actually spanked her for how she was treating me.  She got very disrespectful in one of our conversations.  Of course, she blamed me for that too.  I recognize it is easier for Kayla to blame me than it is for her to blame herself, Michaud, or Mike.  I am the safe one to blame.  I’ll accept that for now.  

My preference would be for them to realize that they give each other a lot of joy and fulfillment and thus cherish their moments together and look for more opportunities to express their love for each other.  BUT — only if that is actually how they feel.  Frankly, I don’t think it is and they just won’t admit it yet.  But their realization of it is coming soon!

Next: 230. My Happiness Formula

146. Slow Down!

SlowDown

Yesterday was a busy day and the five of us spent the evening out as a family, getting home later than usual and thus pushing our nighttime routine to later than usual.  Last night, after I finished up publishing my last post, Mike told Kayla and I that we would have a meeting in our bedroom.       

He said, “Both of you get naked and move the chair to the middle of the room.  Assume a submissive pose on the floor in front of the chair and wait for me to come in.”  

He went on to instruct us not to talk to each other or even giggle or smile.   Once in position we are to stare forward, even after he enters the room.  We were not talk to each other at any time. He said he wants our expressions and demeanor to remain solemn.  Humm..serious stuff?!?  We of course did as we were told. 

It was about ten minutes before Mike entered the room.  Our backs were to him when he walked in.  He walked up behind us and told us to close our eyes and listen intently to what he had to say.  

He said he had been doing a lot of thinking about how our dynamic has rapidly evolved. He shared that he is concerned that all three of us are moving too fast.  He said he is not concerned about where it could be headed, just that it is heading there too fast.  He felt we all needed to be more deliberate in our thinking about the fantasies we want to explore in real life and more deliberate in thinking through all the consequences, good and bad.  He also said that as we defer to him for many decisions, that what he was telling us actually applied more to him than to us.    

He pointed out my “coming out” to my sisters as an example of perhaps not thinking things through.  He took some accountability for that since he did, after all, approve my request to tell them.  He pointed out the “Rudy” incident as a warning signal of what could happen if we, and more specifically, if he, expanded our “circle of trust” in an undisciplined manner.   We were fortunate in that all of us read the clear “danger” signals that Rudy exuded, but what if he had been more subtle and what if one of us, especially him (Mike), didn’t pick up on that?   It could have resulted in a bad experience for me or for Kayla.  

Mike went on to say that he and I had attended some FetLife type functions in the past, and while we enjoyed them, concluded that they just weren’t for us.   His feelings were not changed after that recent party.  Our social circle and sex lives are very fulfilling and at this time he sees no upside to the potential risks or complications of pursuing those types of activities with others.  We are fortunate enough to have the three of us, and John and Donna, to explore various sexual adventures.   Per Mike, going beyond our “circle of trust” any time soon would be reckless.  

Thus he said we would not be attending any such functions in the near future.  Further, he told Kayla that she is not to pursue her “gang bang” fantasy and he would not be arranging it.  He told her that this was in no way a judgment on the fantasy itself.  He supports her safe sexual exploration and right now feels it is not the safest time for her to explore that.  He felt it wasn’t safe for her emotional development and that the risk factors were only compounded by the fact he just doesn’t trust anyone else beyond John.

He reminded Kayla that she has only been with us for five months, and in that time has transformed herself in so many amazing ways.  Physically she has transformed – losing 12 pounds, and shaving her head and eyebrows (which have already grown back quite a bit. She looks adorable in super short hair!).  And emotionally she has transformed – she is more willing to pursue new experiences, she is more extroverted, more conscientious of her own well-being, and just overall more self-confident.  He told her he doesn’t want to lose any of that momentum and right now he believes the timing is bad for her to pursue that particular fantasy.     

He then told us we can open our eyes as he took a seat in the chair in front of us.  He bent down a bit, with his forearms resting on his thighs with his hands clasped between his legs.  His face was close to us, just above our eye level.  He alternated looking intently into our eyes and told us he did not want to hear any comments about what he just stated.  He said he put a lot of thought into what he said, and out of respect, we need to put the same amount of thought into understanding, then expressing, our reaction.  He said we could share our thoughts at our next respective Maintenance Sessions.

He then said he loved us both, and was looking forward to the Immersion and that none of what he just talked about will take away from the intensity of what he has planned for us.   He then told us to face each other and remaining in our otherwise submissive pose, hold each others hands.  He set the timer on his phone for 15 minutes and told us to simply sit there quietly looking at each other while remaining in that pose.  When the time is up, we can then resume our bedtime routine.  He was going to take a shower and did not want to hear us talking the rest of the night unless he asked us something.  He wanted quiet and for each of us to reflect on the things he talked about.    

And reflect I have.  It’s all good, very good, at least for me.  I believe he is right in that we have been moving 100 miles an hour and need to take a pit stop.  That doesn’t mean we don’t resume our previous speed at some point, but a respite is warranted so we all can reflect and make good decisions.  Ultimately, I believe that Mike was saying, as our primary “decider,” that he needed us to slow down so that he can make the best decisions as possible on our behalf.  Another example of how wonderful Mike has been as a husband and as a Dom!

I don’t know for sure how Kayla feels yet.  We were not allowed to discuss it until our respective Maintenance Sessions with Mike.   Her demeanor seemed to indicate she fully accepted it as the loving geasture it was.  I’ll let you know if that was not the case!

NEXT:  147.  Submissive Roller Coaster